Better clear your diary…
Kinky sex covers a whole host of sexy things, from BDSM and power play to fetish and role play. It can be confusing to understand exactly what counts as kinky sex, and how you can do it yourself. So if you’re looking to get into kink for the first time, or you want more tips on how to do it safely, here is everything you need to know.
What is kinky sex?
Kinky sex basically includes any kind of sexual activity that is related to power, says Lianne Young, sex and relationships expert and counsellor, and writer for House of Ardent. A big part of this is BDSM, which stands for dominance and submission, bondage and discipline, and sadomasochism, though BDSM isn’t the only thing that qualifies as kink.
What does kinky sex include?
There are plenty of sexual acts that can be counted as kink. These can include:
- BDSM, including dominance and submission, and humiliation and power.
- Role playing.
- Fetishes, for example, foot fetishes.
- Dressing up, including wearing latex, leather and uniforms.
- Bondage, using handcuffs, ropes, chains or blindfolds.
- Accessories. This can include anything from bondage materials, to latex gloves, cock rings, pin wheels, and even “putting someone in a cage and treating them like a dog,” says Lianne. If you want to involve pain or humiliation, try spitting on someone or spanking them using a cane, whip, ruler and paddle, Lianne continues.
- Electric shocks. Taking kink play to the extreme, some companies like Electrastim sell electric shock apparatus to be used for sexual pleasure, adds Lianne.
What are the origins of kinky sex?
The term ‘kink’ was historically used to describe any sexual activity that bends or ‘kinks’ away from the norm. Even today, some aspects of psychiatry still refer to kinky activities like fetishism, sadism and masochism as “paraphilias“, or “abnormal sexual desires”, with these normal and consensual behaviours listed alongside things like paedophilia. However, ‘kink’ is generally now used as a positive term.
“We can really question this whole idea of ‘abnormal’ sex,” says Meg-John Barker, author of Enjoy Sex and host of the Meg-John and Justin podcast. “Actually the number of people who feel some desire for being tied up, or spanked, for example, is higher than the number of people who don’t.”
How is kinky sex different from adventurous sex?
Adventurous sex means venturing outside of your normal boundaries or activities, while kinky sex is more to do with power play, says Lianne. Adventurous sex might be something simple like introducing a vibrator or having a threesome, while kink is often more about power and fantasy.
However, Lianne adds that kink isn’t just about power. “It’s also an important way of enhancing a couple’s relationship through consensual acts involving pain, control and role play.”
Kinky sex ideas to try
Keep things simple
Lianne suggests starting with an easy role playing scenario, like pretending you don’t know each other and chatting each other up in a bar.
Combine pain and pleasure
Pain and pleasure really compliment one another,” says Lianne. “Try ass spanking and then clit stimulation instantly after one another and keep repeating this.” If you’re new to pain, Lianne recommends building up your pain resistance rather than going all out straight away.
Try bondage
Start with a beginners’ bondage kit if you want to experiment with restraint, but make sure you read the instructions to stay safe. “Being tied up can feel adventurous, and if added with a blindfold you can play with the senses of sight, hearing, taste, touch and imagination. The brain is the biggest sex organ,” explains Lianne.
If you’re trying any kind of bondage or dominance and submission, it’s crucial that you discuss boundaries and establish a safe word or signal before starting.
Dress up and use accessories
Good costumes to start with can be latex or PVC, says Lianne, or you can try dressing up as a character. It can also be fun to include accessories, like vibrators, cock rings, candle wax and lotions.
Read erotic stories
If you’re new to kink, reading erotic stories online can give you ideas of different scenes to play out, suggests Lianne.
Do what feels right
While a list of kinky ideas might be useful for some people, Meg-John says it’s better to start with what excites you personally. “For most people it’s not about specific positions or scenarios, but rather playing with different roles or sensations. A great idea to start with is to do something like Betty Martin’s three minute game because that enables you to practice consent as well as figuring out what roles and sensations you might enjoy.
“You might also find Justin and my ‘Make Your Own Sex Manual’ and ‘Erotic Fantasies’ zines helpful for tuning into what you’re into and communicating it. These include making your own ‘yes, no, maybe’ list of things you’d like to try, and as well as plenty of suggestions for fantasies, erotic fiction, or ethical porn,” they continue.
Kinky sex positions to try
Sex positions for kinky sex depend on the scenario being played out, but Lianne suggests being bent over a counter, chair, bed, or specialised sex apparatus, especially if you’re trying bondage or spanking.
“Try being tied to a chair with legs spread apart and hands tied behind you. Get your partner to add a blindfold so you don’t know what’s going to happen next. Kink play is about using your imagination and letting someone take control, or being in control, with someone you trust,” says Lianne.
Positions that help you look into each other’s eyes can be great, as this enhances the feeling of being submissive or dominant, and kneeling also has the same effect, Lianne adds.
Safety tips for kinky sex
“Discuss what you’re going to do before you do it, have a safe word ready and don’t push boundaries,” says Lianne
However, it’s important to remember that a lot of the rules for kinky sex still apply to all sex. “For all sex it’s a great idea to talk ahead about what you like and dislike, and any limits that you have,” says Meg-John.
When it comes to safe words and signals, plan how you’ll check in beforehand. Meg-John suggests the traffic light system (red for stop, yellow for slow down, or green for keep going). If you want to use a non-verbal stop signal, tapping your partner to an agreed rhythm is a good idea.
It can also be useful to discuss any trauma experiences you’ve had and what your triggers might be.
Consent is also crucial, and of course this applies to any kind of sex. Meg-John suggests using their consent checklist if you are unsure.
What you should know if you’re trying kink for the first time
If you’re interested in trying something kinky, you need to make sure your partner is on the same page first. Lianne suggests sitting them down and explaining your fantasy to them first. Don’t worry if it’s not as great as you expected first time around. Practise makes perfect.
Why do people enjoy kinky sex?
Kink is a great way of experimenting and mixing things up in the bedroom. As Lianne puts it, “do you eat the same cuisine every evening? Or do you occasionally treat yourself to take away?
“Sex play is the same and should have added spice occasionally – and it’s very healthy. Sex is about enjoyment.”
Meg-John adds that kink can reveal a lot about our subconscious desires. “Many of us eroticise the tough things that have happened in our lives, so it’s very common for people to be turned on by the idea of being controlled, or someone having power over them, or some kind of punishment or humiliation,” they explain.
However, kink doesn’t just have to be about your subconscious psyche. “The things we enjoy can simply be fun and playful, things that feel nice to our bodies, or things that help us to connect to another person. There can be many reasons why we’re into what we’re into, and it shouldn’t really matter as long as we’re acting on it consensually,” they add.
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