Tag: Relationship Advice

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34 erogenous zones and how to stimulate them

We get you acquainted with these subtle and not-so-suble pleasure points.

by Rosie Saunders

Put simply, erogenous zones are extra-sensitive areas of the human body that generate a sexual response when stimulated.

They’re located all over, from your eyelids to your ankles. Though sexual in nature, your body’s response might not necessarily be an out-and-out orgasm – it could be subtle arousal or even deep relaxation.

To get you acquainted with these subtle and not-so-suble pleasure points, we asked Mia Sabat, sex therapist at sexual wellbeing audio app Emjoy, and Marlena Segar, sex and relationships educator and community manager for the Healthy Pleasure Group, to share their tips for locating and stimulating 36 erogenous zones:

36 erogenous zones you should know

‘We’ve likely all experienced the feeling where someone has touched a part of your body in just the right way, and it’s felt so good that it may have sent a shiver down your spine,’ says Segar. ‘That would be an erogenous zone. An area of the body, that when stimulated sends signals to the brain that translate as pleasurable sensations.’

‘Everyone’s erogenous zones are slightly different, both in location and sensory response.’

The sensitivity varies from individual to individual, according to the concentrations of specific nerve endings in that particular area. ‘Everyone’s erogenous zones are slightly different, both in location and sensory response,’ she continues. ‘They’re also context-specific. Exploring both where on your body you want to be touched, and how you want to be touched is the only way to discover what you enjoy.’

Here, we’ve picked out 32 erogenous zones – from the obvious to the overlooked – with advice on how to approach them. Numbers 1-20 are shared spots; 21-28 are specific to women and people with vaginas; while 29-34 refer to men and people with penises.

1. Scalp

The scalp is full of nerve endings, and is especially sensitive just behind the ears and on the nape of the neck. ‘Start by gently stroking or running your fingers through your partner’s hair, always starting at the roots and maintaining a consistent motion and pressure to simulate the scalp directly,’ says Sabat.

2. Earlobes

The earlobes are made up of thin skin, which typically means increased sensitivity. ‘Some enjoy a gentle kiss or nibble on the earlobe, while others might prefer more intense sensations, such as sucking, pinching, biting or pulling,’ says Sabat.

3. Armpits

It might be a little ticklish, but your armpits are chock-full of nerve endings. ‘Caressing, kissing and even licking this area can be equal parts playful and erotic,’ says Sabat. ‘Approach the area with a gentle-but-firm touch, using circular motions and long strokes for maximum pleasure.’

4. Inner arms

This area lends itself to increased sensitivity thanks to the thin, soft skin that makes up the area. ‘Stroking the region, starting just inside the inner shoulder, and moving gently down to the inner elbow can be overwhelmingly pleasurable,’ says Sabat.

5. Small of the back

The intersection of the spine and pelvis, known as the sacrum, is a highly sensitive spot. ‘Treat your partner to a gentle massage, or engage with temperature and sensory play with objects like ice, feathers, warming oils, and silk to elicit an incredible response,’ says Sabat.

6. Lower stomach

The lower stomach is filled with nerve endings that become more and more concentrated towards the genital area, ‘so it’s a great place to show affection and attention,’ says Sabat. ‘You can tease and stimulate this area with a very wide variety of techniques including kissing, gentle biting, and temperature play.’

7. Inner wrist

It mightn’t be the first spot that comes to mind when you think of erogenous zones, but the inner wrist is incredibly sensitive, says Sabat. ‘Feeling your partner’s heart rate increase as you caress this area will turn you on, too,’ she explains. ‘Stroking or kissing this area, especially in public, is a great way to signal that you’re feeling sensual.’

8. Palms and fingertips

Your hands are full of nerve endings – in fact, they’re one of the most sensitive areas of your body. ‘Take your partner’s palm in your hand and gently trace along the edges and lines of their palm with your fingertips,’ Sabat suggests, before kissing or tightly sucking their fingertips.

9. Behind the knee

In a way that’s similar to the inner wrist and arm, caressing and kissing the skin behind the knee can be incredibly erotic thanks to the thin, nerve-packed skin, says Sabat. ‘Gently run your fingers over this area, or engage with it during penetrative sex by touching, stroking or applying pressure,’ she says.

10. Bottoms of feet

Yep, you guessed it – your feet are full of nerve endings, too. ‘Stimulate pressure points through massage, focusing on the arch and pad of the foot as these spots help increase blood flow and promote arousal, before working your way up to kissing and caressing the area with your lips,’ says Sabat.

12. In-between toes

This area is best stimulated through massage, says Sabat, and massage oils can make this experience even better. ‘I recommend a gentle but firm pressure, using your hands to massage each toe individually, focusing on the sides of the toes to engage with the most sensitive points,’ she says.

13. Inside of ankle

It’s unlikely to be an area you’ve thought about before, but the inside of your ankle is an under-stimulated spot that’s sensitive to touch. ‘Focus on stroking either side of the Achilles tendon – more of a caress than a massage, as the area is quite sensitive,’ says Sabat. ‘If your partner likes the sensation, kissing the area can also be highly erotic.’

14. The brain

An underrated sensory spot. Stimulate the brain and the body will follow. ‘Engage with alternative forms of pornography, like audio erotica, that immerse your mind in an experience, or craft your own sexy fantasy,’ says Sabat. ‘Make it a habit to engage with your mind first in intimate moments.’

15. Anus

This less-explored region is packed with nerve endings. ‘Start by playing with the buttocks,’ says Sabat. ‘Stroke the entire area and place your hands on the folds where the legs and buttocks meet, then slide your fingers along the fold, from the inner thigh to the outer area, before caressing the outside of the anus.’

16. Areola and nipples

The nipples are very sensitive because of their thin, highly responsive skin. ‘Many like this region to be stimulated with strokes, licks, kisses and gentle nibbles, but they’re also responsive to sensory play, so don’t be afraid to break out the vibrator, ice cubes, silk, or feathers,’ says Sabat. ‘However, be careful with overly-warm sensory products to avoid discomfort, and note that their sensitivity can change daily.’

17. Mouth and lips

Your lips are packed with more nerve endings than your fingertips, says Sabat, but with much thinner and more sensitive skin. ‘Trace the outline of your partner’s lips with your finger before using your teeth to gently pull on their bottom lip, engaging in an intense kiss,’ she suggests.

18. Neck

A key erogenous zone, your neck is also incredibly sensitive and highly responsive to stimulation. ‘Place your hands on either side of your partner’s neck while kissing them, or stroke the back of their neck lightly with your fingertips to send shivers down their whole body,’ says Sabat. ‘Kissing and licking this area can also be highly pleasurable – start at the base of your partner’s ear and kiss or lick down to their collar bone.’

19. Inner thighs

The skin on your inner thighs is delicate, warm, and full of nerves, says Sabat, so show this spot some attention, especially when leading up to oral sex. ‘Caress, kiss, lick, and even dig your fingers into this area gently to give your partner a range of sensations – being sure to caress the whole area, from inner knee, to upper-inner thigh,’ she says.

20. Groin

Given its close proximity to the genitals, teasing the groin – the area that connects your abdomen to your lower body and legs – can be electrifying. ‘Packed with nerve endings, it’s an exciting spot to kiss and caress when exploring your partner’s body,’ says Sabat. ‘Tease them further by running your fingers over their underwear before slowly moving in to touch their skin.’

Erogenous zones for women

21. Breasts

Massaging, caressing, kissing and licking the breasts indirectly stimulates the nipples, triggering the same area of the brain as the genitals, says Segar. ‘Starting with the breast rather than going straight for the nipple can help build arousal by drawing out the stimulation,’ she says.

22. Pubic mound

Also known as the mons pubis, this area is the fleshy part just above the clitoris. ‘It’s the perfect area to indirectly stimulate the clitoris and encourage blood flow to the genitals,’ says Segar. ‘Try massaging in circular motions and experiment with light and firm pressure.’

23. Clitoris

The clitoris is packed with more than 8,000 nerve endings, and is the only human organ designed entirely for pleasure, says Segar. ‘The most sensitive part of the clitoris is the glans – located at the top of the vulva above the urethral opening, usually covered by the clitoral hood,’ she says. ‘Slow circles tracing around the glans or running your fingers either side is an effective way to gently stimulate the clitoris.’

24. Labia minora

Also known as the inner lips, the labia minora contain numerous nerve endings that can be extremely pleasurable to touch, says Segar. ‘Gently run your index and middle finger along both the inside and outside of the lips,’ she suggests.

25. A-spot

While the exact location will vary slightly from person to person, the A-spot can be found around four to six inches above the entrance to the vagina, on the front wall. If your fingers aren’t long enough to reach this pot, use a toy – especially one with a curved tip – to stimulate it, Segar suggests.

26. G-spot

This erogenous zone is sometimes capable of inducing female ejaculation. ‘You can reach the G-spot by placing one or two fingers inside the vagina about two inches up, using a beckoning or ‘come hither’ motion against the front wall,’ says Segar. ‘The texture often feels a bit rougher than the surrounding area, which is usually a lot smoother.’

27. C-spot

The cervix sits at the deepest point of the vagina, so stimulating this area will often require a toy to reach, says Segar. You can also reach the C-spot during penetrative sex, especially in the woman-on-top position. While not everyone enjoys deep penetration, she adds, this position puts the receiver in charge of the movements.

28. V-spot

Often overlooked, the V-spot refers to the opening of the vagina, which is packed with nerve endings. ‘Using a toy, a finger, or the head of a penis, slowly circle around the vaginal opening,’ she says. ‘You can also experiment with very shallow penetration – only going in an inch or so – to enhance the sensation.’

Erogenous zones for men

29. Glans

The glans – also called the head or tip – is the most sensitive part of the penis. ‘Using lube, run your fingers and thumb from the urethral opening down the head, spreading your hand open as you do, until your palm touches the head,’ says Segar. ‘Bring them slowly back up and repeat. Start with light pressure that you can increase as preferred.’

30. Frenulum

This is the elastic band of tissue on the underside of the glans, and looks similar to the frenulum that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. ‘This tiny area is extremely sensitive to touch,’ says Segar. ‘Running your thumb up and down the frenulum can be extremely pleasurable, though be cautious not to overstimulate.’

31. Foreskin

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the foreskin is packed with nerve endings. ‘As the foreskin retracts when the penis is erect, using a hand to move it up and down the glans can be an extremely enjoyable sensation,’ says Segar. ‘For circumcised people, there are toys that can mimic the feeling of the foreskin as well as adding enhanced sensation.’

32. Scrotum and testicles

This is one of the most sensitive areas of the body, so go carefully. ‘Start with some gentle cupping and light strokes or kiss and lick them,’ says Segar. ‘You can experiment with increasing the pressure and type of stimulation, such as tugging or squeezing, but this is definitely not for everyone.’

33. Perineum

This is the area of skin that stretches from the scrotum to the anal opening. ‘Running your fingers up and down this area, particularly when you are close to orgasm, can increase the intensity of your climax,’ says Segarr. ‘It is also possible to indirectly stimulate the prostate by playing with this area.’

34. P-spot

Located inside the anus, the prostate can be a source of immense pleasure. ‘Using lots of lube, gently trace a finger around the anal opening to relax the muscles,’ says Segar. ‘When you feel ready, slip a finger inside and gently move it approximately two inches upwards and use a ‘come hither’ coaxing motion. If you’re struggling to reach, anal beads or a butt plug can be a really fun addition – just make sure your toy has a flared base.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual Aftercare Isn’t Just a BDSM Thing

—Here’s Why Everyone Should Try It

By Mary Grace Garis

If you’ve ever experienced postcoital dysphoria (or felt the post-sex blues)—an hour, day, or even three days after an encounter—it might be because you’re not practicing appropriate aftercare. For the uninitiated, aftercare is a concept that originated in the BDSM community, and it generally refers to the things you do to make sure everyone is okay and taken care of after sex play. (BDSM, which can include bondage, sadism, and/or submission, sometimes involves paddles. When it does, participants might need a little TLC afterward.) But there’s a scientific reason to consider aftercare for all types of sexual encounters: It helps to prevent you from completely crashing after a feel-good chemical rush.

“During sex, chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, and prolactin are released,” says sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW. Aftercare may help to regulate how your body responds as those chemicals dissipate. In this way, aftercare after sex can be helpful for maintaining a feeling of closeness in a relationship—because intimacy, vulnerability, and connection shouldn’t end with orgasm, says sexologist Chris Donaghue, PhD, an intimacy expert for the sexual wellness company Skyn.

“A healthy sexual model is pleasure-based and acknowledges that post-sex aftercare is a way to continue that pleasure and intimacy.” —sexologist Chris Donaghue, PhD

Essentially, how partners respond after sex can affect whether or not people feel safe and comfortable or rejected. “Our culture uses a performance model for sex: It’s treated as though there is a goal, one right way to achieve it, and anything else is a failure,” say Dr. Donaghue. “A healthy sexual model is pleasure-based and acknowledges that post-sex aftercare is a way to continue that pleasure and intimacy. Anything less is a severe and spontaneous disconnection from the sexual connection just achieved.”

How to practice aftercare after sex of any kind:

Before practicing any kind of aftercare, remember that consent is a paramount prerequisite. To attain consent, ask how your partner likes to be approached after sex. “Some people like a lot of closeness and snuggles, other people require lots of space and grounding, and some like both in no particular order,” says sexologist Caitlin V. Neal, MPH.

Other ideas for practicing aftercare after sex? Cuddling is a big one, as is pillow talk, getting a cup of tea, or ordering pizza—basically whatever makes you smile. “One of the best aftercare strategies I have heard of involved having warm towels next to the bed for a full-body wipe down and cookies baking in the oven that are delivered to your lover in bed,” says Neal. “For you, aftercare could mean a steamy scrub down in the shower, meditation, heaping praise upon each other, or reviewing the video footage. There’s no wrong way to practice aftercare, and there’s no upper limit to how much pleasure it can create.”

And the practice isn’t just for madly-in-love, long-term couples who live together. Everybody from casual partners just hooking up and those practicing solo sex to people in long-distance relationships can practice aftercare after sex. “Those who are unpartnered or who are in long-distance relationships can create space for aftercare by using weighted blankets after sexual intimacy or cuddling with clothing or other objects that belong to your partner,” Howard says.

What’s key to remember, though, is that what you do after sex can really change your relationship—and/or your relationship with pleasure—for the better.  “After care doesn’t need to be a mystery, or even a challenge,” Neal says. “With a little planning in advance, it can be as meaningful and pleasurable as intercourse itself.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why you need to prioritise your own orgasm

– and it’s not only because they feel amazing

Sadly, no one else will do it for you.

by Faye M Smith

Can’t remember the last time you had an orgasm? For most women, they last just 10.9 seconds. And, while that may seem rather quick, orgasms can do more than just make you feel good in that short space of time. So you could be missing out on vital health benefits!

If you need help to prioritise your own orgasm, then trying one of the best vibrators could be for you. More than a quarter of British women claim they are “more likely” to orgasm if they use one, found sexual wellness brand Lovehoney.

So, why should you prioritise your own orgasm? Well, not only do the endorphins released during arousal help ease pain, but a study in Israel found that women who had two orgasms per week were 30% less likely to have heart disease. Plus, American research found that menopausal women who had an orgasm every week had oestrogen levels twice as high as those who didn’t, which is essential for protecting bones.

But, with the average woman taking 13 minutes and 25 seconds to climax, according to the Kadave Institute of Medical Sciences, many women don’t feel they have time to fit more sex or masturbation into their already busy lives. “Too many women are afraid to address this fundamental issue and enjoy the sex they deserve,” says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert with Lovehoney.

This is why you need to prioritise your own orgasm. Ready? Here’s how to make sure you have an orgasm every time…

Learn to de-stress and prioritise your own orgasm

Pressures with work or family will directly affect when (or if) you reach climax. “The biggest psychological barrier to orgasm is stress – it’s essentially a sexual poison,” says Annabelle.

Timing is key, so choose a time to have sex or masturbate when you’re not rushing around. Plus, remember to breathe deeply throughout; it will help you block out distractions. A belter of an orgasm is achievable – you just need to relax.

Tightening your pelvic floor can help you orgasm

A weakened pelvic floor can cause a loss in sensation, yet a third of women are too embarrassed to bring the topic up with their GP, found a survey by wellness charity Jo’s Cervical Trust.

“Learning to control your pelvic floor can help you climax,” says Annabelle. Tone up by doing 100-200 pelvic floor contractions daily. Never done them before? Imagine you are stopping a fart, then a wee, then draw these two feelings in together.

Changing positions can help you prioritise your own orgasm

Is your sex life predictable? If it’s the same position every Tuesday after EastEnders, then, sadly, it is. Mixing things up could make accessing your G-spot easier. Need inspiration? Then have sex somewhere different, such as outside or in the shower.

“Trying new positions is important for increasing your orgasm potential, as is remembering that 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm,” says Annabelle. “Some positions are better for this than others, such as missionary. Make sure that you and your partner move in a circular motion, rather than thrust, as this maximises stimulation.”

Faking an orgasm is a waste of time when it comes to your pleasure

Faking your orgasms because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings? “It’s one of the most damaging things a person can do to their own sexual happiness,” warns Annabelle.

“If your partner’s doing something good in bed, tell them. If they’re not, remind them of a time you experienced pleasure and express a desire to repeat this. Reading erotic fiction together can help, as it includes scenarios you could both explore. This also removes sexual responsibility and eliminates any blame your partner might feel if you were to talk directly to them about something you don’t like.”

Eating right can help you prioritise your orgasm

Feeling hungry? Oysters, chocolate, peppers, eggs and spinach can improve your chances of reaching orgasm. “Aphrodisiacs create a sense of heightened sexual state – sometimes just thinking about an aphrodisiac may work as one,” says Annabelle.

“They can also work by producing chemicals linked to sexual desire and increase blood flow, meaning our genitals have access to a ready supply of blood, which makes them engorged and leads to sexual arousal.”

Knowing that you deserve an orgasm will help you have one

“Women have had a rough deal when it comes to sexual pleasure and many struggle with issues, such as shame,” says Annabelle. In fact, a survey by sex-toy brand Tenga found that only 14% of British females were taught about pleasure as part of their sexual education.

“At school, anything to do with sex is discussed with the view that it’s for procreation and nothing else,” says Annabelle. “This delivers a damaging message to women that their pleasure is not only unimportant, but also not to be expected.”

Why you should seek help if you struggle to orgasm

Feel your sex-to-orgasm ratio isn’t sufficiently balanced? Don’t be afraid to seek help from a professional. “A woman who doesn’t think she has had an orgasm should see her GP. She’s denying herself one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer,” says Annabelle.

Thankfully, there are simple changes that can solve the situation. “Certain medications and medical conditions can contribute to lack of orgasm,” says Annabelle. “Usually, though, it’s purely down to poor sexual technique and not enough lubrication, which can make foreplay and intercourse painful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to seduce a man you’ve been with for a long time

It’s easier than you think!

by Faye M Smith

No couple’s sex life stays the same as it was in the early days, but that doesn’t mean it has to fizzle out completely.

Want to spice things up again? It doesn’t have to be hard. The easiest way to seduce a man could be as simple as introducing a sex toy into the bedroom or trying one of the best vibrators to use with your partner.

“Using sex toys can be a great way for a woman to seduce her partner,” says sexual wellness expert Megwyn White, who works with the innovative sex-toy brand Satisfyer. “A toy creates a bridge to new parts of the body. It can also spark a creative connection that allows you both to try out new things.”

But that’s not the only way to seduce a man. There are some other easy tricks to help.

How to seduce a man

“Seduction is about more than pumping out Barry White and wearing stockings – although those things can help,” says Sammi Cole, sex and relationship expert at sexual wellness brand Lovehoney. “To seduce a man, you have to make the thought of sex with you the most appealing thing in the world. And, when you’ve been with someone for a long time, that means reminding them of how much you still desire them. Plus, what it is about you that they fell in love with.”

Want to give it a try? Following these rules could transform you from his significant other to his seductress in seconds.

To seduce a man you need to become a detective

First rule of seduction? In the words of the Spice Girls, you have to know what your partner wants – what they really, really want. Often worry that your partner never opens up enough about how he really feels about things in the bedroom? “Seduction has to do with guiding someone into what they secretly wish they could give themselves,” says Megwyn. “You have to be a bit of a detective to figure out what this is. And then figure out how you can bring their fantasies to life.”

And if your partner is still reluctant to open up? Don’t rush them. When it comes to seducing a man, any type of pressure or pushy behaviour could actually do more harm than good. “It can take patience to seduce someone,” says Megwyn. “Create a space for communication and if what you’re trying doesn’t work, then try it a new way the next time. For instance, you might explore reading erotica together and find something that sparks your interest and decide to play it out.”

Why you need to forget sexy lingerie if you want to seduce a man

When it comes to how to seduce a man, you need to think about awakening all his senses first. “Great sex should be a multisensory experience so awakening all his senses will really help,” says Sammi. “Sure, treat yourself to some lingerie that makes you feel fantastic, but think about all the other senses, too.”

Need some extra inspiration? “You could dab on some new perfume or scented body lotion,” says Sammi. “Plus, go for soft lighting, pick out music that helps to get you both in the mood and swap out your usual bedsheets for something a bit more luxurious. The more senses you can delight, the better!”

Then, when you’ve successfully aroused all his senses so he’s putty in your hands, you need to try taking the stimulus away. “Withholding one of the senses, such as blindfolding a partner so he can’t see, will actually help activate the others,” recommends Megwyn.

Getting out of your comfort zone helps with seduction

Feel like you are stuck in a sex rut? “Being familiar with your partner and their body is both a blessing and a curse,” says Sammi. “It’s sometimes hard to feel like a sex goddess when you’re surrounded by reminders of everyday life, and it’s the same with our partners.” The solution? “Do things outside of your usual comfort zone and do them together,” says Sammi. “Whether it’s as simple as a night away in a different setting, it can be enough to renew the way you see each other.” You could even try just moving sex from the bedroom to the sofa.

And while you are having that one night away? It might be a cliché, but pretending to be something you’re not, such as mysterious strangers, can be a seduction technique worth trying. “Lots of couples find role play an easy way to switch up their sexual routine. It helps you to see each other in different ways and free your inhibitions,” says Sammi. “The great thing about the ‘strangers meeting in a bar’ role-play situation is that it can help to recreate that fizz of excitement from when you first met.” Keen to give it a try? “Determine the story ahead of time and decide how the story will end,” recommends Megwyn.

Talking dirty can really help to seduce a man

“Talking dirty is a great way to spice things up,” says Megwyn. Not sure where to start? Don’t worry, there is an easy trick! Simply think about the way your partner speaks and then copy it. “Consider if there are certain sexy words you’ve heard them say over others,” says Sammi. “Chances are, those are the ones that they’re most comfortable hearing and saying, so that’s a great jumping-off point.”

Feeling timid? Try dirty texting. “Not only does it take away the face-to-face fear, but it gives you time to think about what you want to say or do next,” says Sammi. “You could tell them about an X-rated dream you had about them.”

And while this might sound a bit crazy, if you’re willing to give it a go then naming his genitals can actually help to seduce a man. “Try using a name that your partner prefers their genitals to be called,” says Megwyn. “It allows your partner a sense of ownership over their parts. Plus, it invites you to understand the specific way they want to experience their bodies in the moment.”

Just doing nothing can help with seduction

Not feeling confident in your ability to seduce a man? Don’t worry. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. In fact, not putting on too much pressure can help. “Firstly, relax,” says Sammi. “It’s meant to be you and your partner having fun and, if you’re nervous, you won’t enjoy it as much. Besides, laughter is a great aphrodisiac.”

Then, put down your phone. “One of the sexiest things that you can do is make time for each other,” says Sammi. “When was the last time you paid proper attention to each other, without looking at your phones or other background distractions? Put aside some time, be it an hour, an evening or a weekend, and spend it reconnecting. You’d be surprised what a difference it can make.”

Still not feeling confident? Humming can help. “All women are sexy, but not all women are comfortable in their skin,” says Megwyn. Sounds like you? Try using primal sounds to express your sexuality. “Humming or mmm-ing can act as a bridge to you using your own voice to self-stimulate through the resonance field of the body,” says Meg. “These sounds will naturally be felt in your sexual centre and feel exciting.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Ways To Have Better Sex In Your 40s, 50s & Beyond

by Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD

As a practicing gynecologist for over 20 years, I’m all too familiar with the struggles that women face in midlife, especially when it comes to decreased (or nonexistent) libidos and disconnected, unsatisfying relationships. In fact, this issue is one of the core focuses of my medical practice, which is dedicated to women in midlife.

When you look at the perfect storm that we face beginning in our 40s and 50s—disappearing fertility, hormonal changes, children leaving the nest, aging or dying parents—it’s no wonder that our relationships and our sex drive get put on the back burner and begin to wilt. After a while, we feel as if we have completely lost our sexual being, which is a depressing conclusion to come to, and one that I sought to challenge.

I’ve been there personally, and I’m here to tell you with confidence that your life does have the potential to grow richer over the years, and that includes having the best sex of your life after 40, 50, 60, and beyond! No matter how you might feel right now, know that your sexual being has not died. It is just “taking a nap,” as I say to my patients.

I know this to be true from my own personal transformation as well as through the extensive research study I conducted for my book Sexually Woke. I studied a group of over 1,000 women between the ages of 45 and 65 and discovered that 7% of women in midlife have fulfilling sex lives and relationships. (Other studies have found up to 1 in 5 women saying the same!) While this percentage might seem small, the fact that this is true for some women—whom I call the “sexually woke”—means that it is possible for all of us.

Here are six ways you can begin to reawaken your sexual being and enjoy pleasure in your 50s and beyond:

1. Shift your mindset about what “sex” means.

We typically think of sex as vaginal intercourse. However, we should shift our mindset to define it as “intimate physical contact.” Physical intimacy is key in healthy relationships, and vaginal intercourse is not always a pleasurable way to express this. In fact, only 4 out of 10 women regularly have an orgasm through vaginal intercourse.

As we experience hormonal and physical changes in midlife, vaginal intercourse becomes increasingly difficult, if not agonizingly impossible. There are countless other ways to express intimate physical contact—the only criteria is that it creates pleasure for both parties. This could include cuddling, touching, and rubbing the genitalia together. Focus on whatever expression of sexual intimacy conveys a feeling of connection equally to you both.

2. Prioritize connection.

As we age, orgasm becomes increasingly difficult to achieve, and when it is our final goal, this can cause stress and disconnection that prevents physical intimacy. Instead of fixating on the climax itself, focus on connecting with your partner. The process of connection can be as enjoyable as orgasm itself as you and your partner grow closer together in your physical intimacy.

Research shows that the most reliable way for a woman to achieve orgasm after 50 is with a vibrator or toy, so it’s time to try this out if you haven’t already—partner or not!

Not only do we require more stimulation as we age, but we also can benefit from new types of stimulation. This can be a fun new experience and way to reawaken your sexual being—with or without a partner—as you explore your body in a different and exciting way.

4. Love yourself as you are.

One of my key findings about women in midlife with vibrant sex lives is that they are comfortable in their own skin and familiar with their bodies and what they like and don’t like when it comes to sex. Changes to our bodies and to our sexual anatomy are inevitable as we age, especially if we have children. It’s important that we accept these changes and feel content and deeply connected to ourselves; otherwise, a deep connection with our partner is impossible.

While I believe in loving yourself as you are, I also believe in the power of taking the initiative to address the changes in our sexual bodies that happen due to aging—like vaginal dryness and decreased sensitivity. There are a number of products available to improve sexual desire and functioning, both topically in the form of lubes and creams as well as more in-depth surgical and nonsurgical treatments. Talk to your doctor about what the procedures, products, or other options might be helpful for you.

5. Tune in to your spirituality.

My research affirmed a connection between spiritual wellness and sexual satisfaction. Spirituality looks different for everyone—it can be God, yoga, meditation, nature, or conscious generosity practices. The essential common thread is a deep understanding of connection to something bigger than yourself based in love, connection, and compassion.

While our 30s and 40s are often devoted to work, raising kids, or both, giving us little time for self-reflection, our midlife years offer an opportunity to start relieving ourselves of those burdens, hardships, and resentments. Journaling and meditation can help with this process. Resentment is the No. 1 libido crusher for women, so forgiveness and restoring our relationships are key for healthy, satisfying sex lives in our 50s and beyond.

6. Communicate and be intentional.

Being intentional with your partner is sexy. Small, daily moments of presence, attention, and recognition keep the fire of love alive. Something as small as how you greet each other and say goodbye can make a huge difference in your passion levels. Giving your partner your full attention, even if for a minute, acknowledges that you care about their happiness, and this communication will increase desire in your physical relationship as well.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to make wearing a face mask sexy in the bedroom

Don’t live with your partner, single or just in a casual relationship? Then combining social distancing with sex can be tricky. And sweaty.

By Faye M Smith

But there are – amazingly – things you can do to help make wearing a face mask sexy. Which means, you can still stay protected from Covid-19, but have fun at the same time. Not sure if they will work for you? Then get your hands on one of the best vibrators – potentially one which can be controlled via Bluetooth – and enjoy some solo fun instead. Win, win.

But you don’t have to just take our word for it. These top tips are thanks to sex expert Kate Moyle, who has joined forces with sexual wellness brand Lelo UK. So, here’s everything you need to know about staying sexy while wearing a face mask. Plastic gloves or hand gel: optional!

1 How to make a face mask sexy: use distraction

Let’s be honest. There’s no hiding the fact that you’re wearing a face mask. But, as they have become the new norm, it’s definitely easier to blend in while wearing one. And that’s the same in the bedroom. You just need a few clever distraction techniques to help.

“If you’re finding that incorporating a mask into your routine is distracting, then try and change your environment to take away from that,” says Kate. “Dim the lights, use candles or put on music to introduce more sensual cues. This will also help you to relax and be more in the moment. Adding an eye mask or blindfold too, can completely help you get into the moment.”

2 Have fun with the mask

Luckily, things have moved on from when masks first became mandatory, and now there are endless designs to choose from. Want to live out one of your sexual fantasies? Now is the time. “You can use the mask playfully as a part of a theme, outfit or character play and this can incorporate it into the sexual experience rather than it being the standout feature,” says Kate. “Incorporating it into an outfit/role play can make it feel like a funner and more playful way of introducing it into the bedroom space.”

3 Tease and build anticipation

Sometimes it’s the thought of something that is more erotic than the actual event. Use that to your advantage and focus on other areas of the body. If you’re not face to face, then the masks won’t seem as important. “Anticipation is the most natural aphrodisiac that we have,” says Kate. “Building that up will increase desire and arousal. Spend time focusing on the areas of the body that you wouldn’t usually during sex. This can help to make you explore erogenous zones and take your attention elsewhere.”

4 Try different positions

Hate not kissing during sex? Then take it completely off the table by switching positions. “To achieve kissing-free sex you may find it easier to have sex in positions like the reverse cowgirl, or doggy style,” says Kate. “This is where your faces aren’t close together, and you aren’t directly looking at each other so it takes away the attention drawn to the mask.” Being away from the bedroom, outside or even on the sofa can also help.

5 How to make a face mask sexy? Go tantric

Never tried tantric sex? Now is the perfect opportunity. “Try connecting together in other ways,” says Kate. “This could be synchronised breathing, or touch and play that is with your eyes closed and uses the sensation of touch. The basics of tantric sex are about connection, which can be done through breathing and eye contact.”

6 Utilise sensory props

From feathers to massage, sensory props are great for distracting from the face mask you’re wearing. “Novelty is an important factor of sex lives, and use this as an opportunity to get creative and work around the mask,” says Kate. “Texture, pressure, speed and temperature are all ways that you can mix it up and explore together. Sex toys, such as rabbit vibrators, can be used all over the body. They are great for teasing the thighs, and running up and down the spine, rather than just focusing on the genitals.”

7 Add some viewing or listening pleasure

Still worried about wearing your mask and not looking sexy? “You can also use prompts like audio erotica,” says Kate. “Or, try watching porn together. It can help to boost your imagination, desire and arousal by adding a different type of sexual stimulation.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s what you need to know about sexual anxiety

Feeling anxious about sex is normal, but you don’t have to live with it forever.

By Faye M Smith

Just started dating someone new? Then most of us can relate to feeling nervous about taking things to the next level. But what happens if you have been married for years and you suddenly start to feel sexual anxiety? Turns out, these feelings can develop at any time. And, you can’t simply get over it by spicing things up with one of the best vibrators or acting out a sexual fantasy with your partner. Expert advice is key. But, the good news is we’ve asked a sexuality educator for their best tips on how get a handle on sexual anxiety.

“Anxiety associated with sex or sexual activity can be experienced by people of all ages in all sorts of relationships,” says experienced therapist Dr Katherine Hertlein, expert advisor at Blueheart. “Whenever it happens and whoever it happens with, it’s often rooted in fear or discomfort of a sexual encounter.”

Here’s everything you need to know:

How to tell if you have sexual anxiety

Not sure if you have developed anxiety around sex, or just have “normal” nerves about a sexual relationship? Knowing the signs to look out for can really help.

“Feeling anxious about sex can manifest in different ways,” says Dr Hertlein. “This is mainly through symptoms of sexual dysfunction. For example, those who suffer from sexual anxiety can report an inability to hold an erection (for men). Or, both men and women might have the inability to climax. And this may still be the case if you find your partner sexually appealing. Sometimes it can also cause premature ejaculation or a disinterest in sex. “

What causes sexual anxiety?

The causes of anxiety around sex differ. “It can be related to your state of mind and the fear of being unable to please your partner when it comes to being intimate,” says Dr Hertlein. She explains, that this might stem from:

  • Body image issues. Especially if you’re self-conscious about the way you look.
  • Low sexual confidence. This is a feeling of inadequacy when it comes to ‘performing’ in bed. It can sometimes be caused by a previous negative experience.
  • Increased amounts of stress. Stress in your daily life, from work, relationships, or general life, can cause you sexual anxiety.
  • Loss of sexual desire. Loss of libido might be because of stress or even a side-effect of medication.

Plus, there are other reasons why you may be experiencing sexual anxiety. “Sexual problems can also be the result of an underlying medical condition,” says Dr Hertlein. “It could be relationship factors, power struggles, fears, mood disorders and other mental health issues. Or even cultural or religious factors.”

Going slow can help you deal with sexual anxiety

Keen to make your sexual anxiety a thing of the past? Patience is key. “Try to move away from making sex a goal-oriented experience,” says Dr Hertlein. “It’s about taking your time, enjoying each other and finding intimacy and connection. Not only will this take the pressure off of yourself and your partner, but it’s also a chance to learn what you find sensual. Think of it as a blank slate. This is a chance to explore what you enjoy without the time pressure or end goal.”

Try to improve your lifestyle

Constantly rushing about during the day? It won’t be helping things at night. “Our life events can sometimes cause us to feel stressed or anxious, leaving our minds running even when we’re trying to relax,” says Dr Hertlein. “You might experience stress or anxiety because of something that happened at work, an argument with your family, or perhaps something else. Unfortunately, we cannot always take the stress out of our lives, but you can make lifestyle changes to help with how you deal with them.”

Luckily, the best ways are the easiest to implement. “Some of my best advice is to make sure you’re getting the advised seven to eight hours sleep every night,” says Dr Hertlein. “And make sure you are having a healthy balanced diet, and regular exercise even if it’s just an hour of walking per day. These lifestyle changes sound simple, but they enable us to put our best selves forward to deal with whatever life throws at us.”

There are techniques to help reduce sexual anxiety

Feelings of panic rising? “The goal here is to move away from focusing on the anxiety around our body and sex,” says Dr Hertlein. “General anxiety reducing strategies include mindfulness, breathing, and getting grounded. There are many resources, books, and apps that can help you to become more grounded and less anxious.” But make sure you stick with them. “It helps if you do them for a period of time,” adds Dr Hertlein.

Talk to your partner

Hiding the fact that you’re feeling anxious around sex? The best thing to do is speak up, however embarrassed you feel. “Anxiety in your relationship is likely not a comfortable thing,” says Dr Hertlein. “But, it may be helpful to talk to your partner about your anxieties, especially if your initial reaction is to avoid sex. This will help them understand what you’re experiencing so you can work through it together. The more clarity and communication you have around the topic, the easier it will be for you to both work through it.”

Don’t shy away from professional help

“Finally, if you still experience some issue with your body or sex, it’s important to talk with your GP,” says Dr Hertlein. “It might be the result of an underlying health condition or a result of any medication you’re taking.”

And don’t be scared about talking to a sex therapist. “Seek out help,” says Dr Hertlein. “Therapy for anxiety-reduction or a therapist who specialises in sexual health and couples therapy can be a life-changing method of support. Don’t suffer in silence.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to trying BDSM for the first time

How would you even bring it up with your partner?

By Natalie Morris

For total beginners. the world of BDSM can seem incredibly intimidating and miles out of your comfort zone – but there simple ways to ease yourself into it, if you’re curious.

If you only have the vaguest sense of what BDSM actually is, you might ask yourself a number of questions before you give it a try: How can I be dominant? Do I want to be submissive? What equipment will I need? How do I bring this up with a partner? How ‘kinky’ should I be?

As with any sexual exploration with a partner, the key thing here is communication. Talking to your partner about your desires, their desires and what both of you do and don’t want, should be the starting point for exploring BDSM.

Once you’ve covered that conversation, it can be hard to know where to actually get started, and hard to build up the courage.

But, if you’re interested in giving BDSM a try from a novice perspective, the sexperts at Satisfied Box are on hand to answer all of your awkward questions:

What is BDSM?

This is, of course, the first question that needs to be answered.

There is a bit of a debate on exactly what this four-lettered acronym means:

  • B&D – Bondage and Discipline
  • D&S – Dominance and Submission
  • S&M – Sadism and Masochism

The first thing to acknowledge is that just because you’re interested in BDSM, it doesn’t mean you need to practice all of the above. You certainly can, if you would like, but BDSM involves engaging in any one or more of these elements.

‘The way you choose to practice BDSM depends entirely on your, and your partner’s, preferences,’ say the sexperts. ‘No two dynamics are the same, and communication will be an integral part of your kinky endeavors.’

Communication, trust and consent

Communication isn’t the only important thing between you and your partner, you also need a great deal of trust and, of course, consent.

The Satisfied Box sexperts explain that there are a couple of community guidelines that stress the necessity of these concepts:

  • RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
  • SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual)

‘Regardless of what tools, toys or techniques you choose to experiment with, we can’t emphasise enough just how important these guidelines are,’ they add.

‘Whilst many (especially beginners) will engage in a considerably light and playful form of BDSM, it’s important to understand that there are risks of both physical and mental harm when engaging in this erotic practice.’

How to talk to your partner about BDSM

Despite the fact that our significant other should be the one person we can talk to about anything, deep down we all know it’s not that simple.

‘It can be incredibly daunting to bring up an interest in something that society is typically judgmental about,’ the sexperts tell us. ‘Especially with the one person you never want to be judged by.

‘If you want to try out some BDSM, however, communication is the first step. After all, the most successful relationships rely on honest, compassionate communication.’

They explain it like this – if you already have a poor level of trust with your partner, you probably shouldn’t engage in BDSM anyway. If you have a good level of trust with your partner, then (although it may still seem daunting) there should be no issue in making them aware of your fantasies and desires.

‘Bringing this up doesn’t have to mean straight-forward verbal communication, if this feels way too scary,’ the experts add.

‘You could leave them a saucy note, or watch a particularly kinky film together,’ suggest the sexperts.

‘You could even begin by asking them if they have any unexplored kinks or fantasies themselves. Who knows, they might even suggest BDSM first.

‘Just remember that for BDSM to work, it’s essential that both parties are interested and no one feels pressured into doing something they don’t want to do.

‘You both need to be incredibly open with how you feel and what you want – before, during and after.’

Introducing BDSM to your relationship

If you’ve got past the most difficult stage – bringing up your desire in the first place – you now need to work out exactly how to introduce BDSM into your relationship.

The sexperts say that it is important to stress that BDSM doesn’t have to involve the cliché latex outfits and whips, let alone anything as dramatic as sex dungeons or humiliation (although this is all perfectly acceptable if you’re both into it).

‘In fact, it’s more than likely that, if assessing your regular sexual habits, you have already engaged in a little BDSM already,’ they explain.

‘Do you and your partner ever like to pin each other down during sex? Or maybe scratch and bite at each other a little, or even experiment with some light spanking? All this falls into the considerably broad category of BDSM, albeit very lightly.

‘If you do any of the above, a natural progression should be quite clear. You shouldn’t rush anything. There’s no need to jump to the extremes straight away.

‘If you like pinning each other down, why not try tying each other up? If you like a bit of spanking and biting, why not try a bit of hair pulling, or even just spanking and biting a bit harder.

‘Just make sure that everyone involved is consenting, and that you have a safe-word prepared just in case things get a bit too much.’

And remember – you definitely don’t have to try BDSM. If the idea of it is just way too intimidating or stresses you out, it is fine to decide that it isn’t for you. It doesn’t make you a ‘prude’ or unadventurous.

Similarly, if you try BDSM and realise that you’re not enjoying it, or you change your mind, it’s also fine to stop and never try it again.

Trying new things in the bedroom should come from a place of pleasure and security, you should never feel pressured to do anything.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Your Guide To Ethical Porn

— What Makes It Different & Where To Find It

by Alex Shea

There are a lot of issues with mainstream porn: It tends to be totally centered on what’s hot for men, can often depict women in a degrading or dehumanizing way, and isn’t always made or shared in a way that’s fair or respectful to the performers. So if you’ve been dissatisfied with most mainstream porn you’ve come across, ethical porn might be the answer. Here’s what makes ethical porn different and where to find it.

Ethical porn (sometimes called feminist porn or fair trade porn) is pornography that is made consensually, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and filmmakers fairly for their work. There is a mutual understanding among everyone on the film set—everyone knows and feels comfortable with what’s happening.

“The whole crew needs to be aware of the inherent complexities of sex work” in order for there to be an understanding of consent between everyone on set, indie erotic adult filmmaker Erika Lust tells mbg.

Ethical porn also often shows more realistic depictions of sex, including people with diverse body types, queer relationships, and real female pleasure. One study found every one in four people who visit porn websites are women. Ethical porn attempts to cater to that, offering scenes that aren’t solely centered around the male gaze.

“I want to change the rules of porn by subverting harmful gender stereotypes and put seduction, artistry, and realness back into adult movies,” Lust says.

Shoot, so do we.

Components of ethical porn.

As an alternative to mainstream porn, ethical porn takes certain items into consideration when producing a film. But how do you know if a platform is adhering to ethical standards, and what ethical standards are they adhering to?

1. The performers and filmmakers get paid fairly.

Ethically produced adult films recognize performers as workers who must be fairly compensated, just like any other actor or any other type of employee in the world. The same goes for everyone else on set: “Everyone who is involved in making them—from performers on set to interns in the office—is rewarded appropriately,” says Lust. This is why you generally have to pay for these platforms.

2. It’s usually not free.

There are some exceptions to this, but in general, there’s usually a cost involved to view ethical porn films to make sure performers and filmmakers are paid fairly. The money is used to pay everyone included in the process and to ensure a film is created in a safe space.

3. It’s made in a safe environment that treats performers with respect.

Sex therapist Kamil Lewis, AMFT, says, “centralizing the physical and emotional safety of performers is essential in creating ethical porn.” That means performers aren’t pressured into doing things they don’t want to do or put in unsafe or compromising situations, ever.

On her adult film sets, Lust says performers can “stop the shooting whenever they feel uncomfortable for any reason.” Performers are people with feelings and opinions that deserve to be listened to just like anyone else. Making sure they’re comfortable and relaxed is necessary to create anything ethical.

4. It shows real sexual pleasure.

A key component of ethical porn is accentuating what pleasure looks like, particularly pleasure for people with vaginas. A lot fewer fake orgasms and immediate arousal and a lot more giggling and skin-to-skin closeness. Sex can be messy and romantic and passionate.

5. It’s created for all kinds of viewers.</h3.
Mainstream porn has left us with a male-dominated outlook on what sex is meant to look like, feel like, and even sound like. Ethical porn, on the other hand, often showcases what sex looks like from various perspectives and understands that people with vaginas not only watch porn but enjoy porn. It’s crucial to “broaden the range of perspectives on sex” by including different voices in the process of filmmaking, Lust explains.

6. It shows diversity across body size, race, sexuality, age, and ability.

Mainstream porn tends to forget about the way the rest of the world looks, the fluidity of sexuality, and the fact that every age group has sex. But ethical porn platforms aim to feature people from all walks of life. The more inclusive, the better. After all, it’s nice to see someone who looks like us in the erotic film we’re watching.

7. Everything is created and shared consensually.

Consent is such a crucial part of what makes mainstream porn seem icky. Sometimes it seems unclear whether the people in a film had agreed to what was happening, and there are many stories of performers who are hit with last-minute scene changes that led to tension on set. Ethical porn has none of that: Everything is created with enthusiastic consent from everyone involved and shared with everyone’s consent. Everyone involved is old enough to consent to sex and given the opportunity to state what sexual activities they do or don’t feel comfortable doing at any time. 

Places to watch ethical porn.

Here’s a list of 14 platforms to help get you started on looking for ethical porn. That said, it’s a good idea to put in your own research to truly dig into any platform you’re considering using to make sure they’re truly ethical (and not just using the label!) and align with your values.

Warning: These are all obviously NSFW links.

PinkLabel.TV by filmmaker Shine Louise Houston is a platform that explores the fluidity of sexuality and features performers who are queer, trans, people of color, people with disabilities, and older folks. Houston created PinkLabel.TV to provide emerging filmmakers with access to ethical production, sexual health resources, and a global audience.

Bellesa is a porn company run by women and making films that cater to women. “At Bellesa, we believe that sexuality on the internet should depict women as we truly are—as subjects of pleasure, not objects of conquest,” according to their website. They offer videos, cams, and written erotic stories.

Kink.com is a platform that highlights BDSM and fetishes. This platform works to destigmatize the shame that surrounds kink and represent various members of society, particularly people of color.

Bright Desire strives to illustrate all of the things we love about sex: the intimacy, the fun, the passion. The platform includes scenes of real-life couples exploring themselves sexually and embracing the pleasure they feel without a script. Filmmaker Ms. Naughty says her films are holistic in that more than genitals are shown—you see the sweat, shudders, and vinegar stroke expressions, too.

Cindy Gallop created Make Love Not Porn (MLNP) in order to showcase what real sex looks like, in every flavor. Real couples and individuals send in their erotic videos and get paid for them. People can remain anonymous if they choose, and they can also remove their videos from the platform at any time.

Ifeelmyself is a platform that shines a light on female self-pleasure. Yes, this includes portraying the female orgasm in its most raw form. This platform allows contributors to share their videos in exchange for payment. Ifeelmyself offers a forum for consumers to interact with one another about the content they’re watching.

Sssh is a crowdsourced erotic film platform that dives into the fantasies and desires shared among their members by combining porn and artistry. Through the use of storytelling techniques like virtual reality (VR) and narrative, their storylines stimulate both the mind and the body.

Lightsouthern is an Aussie platform created by Michelle Flynn that strives to create “really good porn for everyone” and does that by showcasing realistic sex—bodies touching, various positions, and intimate situations. It’s one of the few porn platforms that offers consumers access to features like directors cuts, film festival cuts, and behind-the-scenes footage.

Lust Cinema, Else Cinema, and XConfessions

XConfessions is the first project created by Erika Lust, followed by Lust Cinema and Else Cinema, each catering to a slightly different audience. XConfessions is for viewers who want to send anonymous sex confessions and possibly have an erotic film created from them. Lust Cinema integrates artistry and pornography for storytelling enveloped in passion. And Else Cinema is for anyone who enjoys soft erotica and the sensual aspects of sex. 

Frolicme was created with couples and people with vaginas in mind. This platform depicts the art of mutually consenting sex between adults with a focus on female pleasure and passion. In addition to adult films, Frolicme offers other erotic mediums like articles and audio.

Audio porn is easier to produce ethically because performers don’t need to physically engage in sex acts and have their image shared. Erotic audio platforms also tend to cater to women and genders other than men, as they focus more on storytelling

Dipsea is audio porn that celebrates healthy sex by offering clips for every flavor, interest, or fantasy. They have a story studio where scripts are written in-house, and they partner with voice actors—all of which are paid. Monthly subscriptions start at $9.

In an effort to make people feel comfortable in their bodies and with their sexuality, Carolina Spiegel created Quinn. It’s a free audio platform that has every ounce of eroticism without the length— think quick clips of porn without the visuals.

Sounds of Pleasure is a free audio platform hosted on Tumblr that has a set list of clips that feature the titillating aspects of sex like heavy breathing, raspy voices, and moaning.

Issues with ethical porn.

Just because a platform or film production house labels their films “ethical porn” does not necessarily mean that it’s really made ethically, especially since not everyone agrees on what exactly makes a film and its production ethical.

“Much like ‘organic’ seems to have no clear meaning for food, I am not sure what ‘ethical’ means for porn,” researcher and neuroscientist Nicole Prause, Ph.D., says.

She says “ethical porn” platforms or film companies should clarify their stance on what exactly makes their films ethical and “help consumers by being more specific about how they think they are honoring ethical concerns.” Whether that be how they pay their performers or how they prioritize consent, plainly laid out explanations would ease many concerns consumers have about finding an ethical porn platform to support.

In an effort to change the way our society perceives sex, ethical porn provides the opportunity to bask in sex-positive experiences without feeling guilty about our search history.

However you prefer to engage in porn, make sure you’re paying attention to the company you’re supporting. Opt for companies who are inclusive, treat their performers with respect, and encourage a sex-positive message. All it takes is a little digging and diligence.

And Prause adds, “When you identify one that fits your values, support its production by consistently paying or rating the content well.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Women Over 40 With Amazing Sex Lives Have In Common

by Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD

When it comes to midlife and sexuality, what are the stories that need to be challenged if we want to be among the sexually woke? Inasmuch as these stories are causing harm or are not true, what might be a healthier way to view the same situation?

As an example, let me tell you how this worked for me. In my early-40s, life felt like I was on a conveyor belt going in one direction and largely out of my control. I was driven by a list of things I was supposed to do. Financial planners told me how much money I needed to earn and save to live to 95, to send my kids to an average of six years of private college, and to keep my invented life looking perfect from the outside. We predicted the rise and fall of the stock market for the next 50 years. Every morning, I got up and did what I was supposed to do. I made lots of money, won lots of awards, and made things seem amazing on Facebook.

My then-husband and I had complex wills, life insurance policies, disability policies, and every other imaginable tool to create the illusion that we had this life figured out and under control. I knew the precise date I was going to retire, as well as the date we were going to sell our home. I knew the dates our kids would get married, how much their weddings would cost, when I would become a grandparent, and the date each of us would probably die. Nothing was unknown.

If the goal of all this planning and attempting to manipulate the future was to provide a sense of safety and security, why did the idea of getting old fill me with dread? Why did following this nicely mapped-out path feel like I was being buried in an early grave? The fact was I had nothing to look forward to. There was nothing exciting or surprising to anticipate. Life had been wrapped carefully and stuffed into a box. Looking into the future felt like looking down a long, dark, narrowing tunnel. It was a death march.

At that same time, I was struggling with getting older. I was getting crow’s feet. Gray hairs became too many to pluck out. My sex drive was nonexistent. Women much younger than me were enjoying leadership roles and accolades and were prominently featured in the media. I could feel myself slowly being pushed out of the picture of what matters.

The real reason women’s sex lives decline over time.

After hearing Ben Zander talk about his book The Art of Possibility in 2010, the wall of that tunnel started to be a little more opaque. A little light started to come in. If there was light on the other side of those tunnel walls, what was out there? I read Zander’s book, and my curiosity started to rise. Within a few months, I was devouring a book every week and attending every seminar I could find on the subject of personal growth and spirituality. As my self-invented tunnel started to crumble, the future began to look quite different: an open field of possibility, openness, emptiness—a blank canvas ready for me to paint.

The degree to which this changed my life cannot be overstated, and all I did was change my perspective. Nothing “out there” changed. The only thing that changed was my ability to see it. I woke up.

Here’s an observation from 20 years as a gynecologist and 52 years as a woman. When you feel trapped in a box, you don’t want to have sex. Truly making love is generative, free, expressive, and creative. It’s a dance that takes place in an open field, not a dark tunnel. Love cannot be confined within walls. Trying to do so makes it die.

This observation points to one of the key findings of my research and perhaps the most important “secret.” It’s not aging that causes our sex lives to decline. It’s the feeling, conscious or subconscious, that we are trapped.

This is why women of all ages invariably have a spike in libido when they start a new relationship and why having a deep spiritual understanding (of something bigger than ourselves) is associated with a better sex life. The truth is we are not and never were trapped. We put ourselves in a prison but forget we hold the key. Outside those walls is a world of infinite possibility.

The sexual freedom that can come with age.

As I talked with the sexually woke, this theme came up over and over again. These women did not complain about aging; rather, they appreciated their newfound wisdom and freedom and universally described this as the best time of their lives. Surprisingly to me, many women shared similar images and metaphors to describe their own awakening. In Robin’s words:

“The idea of the fullness in life when we are younger is paradoxical because we tend to think of fullness related to success, achievement, money, and status. Then we find the futility when we get to menopause—the futility of trying to hold it all together. The first half of my life, I felt like I was building a very solid structure. That gave me some comfort. But then we literally start to see our bodies fall apart and realize that it’s all falling apart really. That solid structure was not based on anything real. My new house got old, my perfect kids grew up and didn’t do what the plan dictated, and my marriage fell apart. For me, the acceptance of that and letting go of the fantasy of solidity really let me enter the fullness of life. With the solidity of the walls I had created, I had no access to other possibilities. I was pretty delusional that life was solid. After my divorce, I was free—finally free to have that fullness of life and be available to meet someone I could be my full self with as my full sexual being. I’m 55, and life has never been better. As for sex, I’m only just beginning to find out where I can go with that. There’s no road map, no walls. I can go wherever I want. It’s beautiful.”

All of a sudden you have some space. You can finally ask those questions like, “What am I really here to do?” With that space to reflect, you can integrate yourself, pull all those pieces together, and really show up. People might call it a midlife crisis, saying, “Oh, she went nuts, left her husband, and moved to France.” But I don’t think that’s what it is. It’s an awakening. More like, “Oh, I’ve only been half here all this time.” When you’ve cut off your sexual being and then find it, it’s like you’ve been walking around without one arm then realizing that you have both. “Wow! Look at all these things I can do now with two arms!” Alexa shares another beautiful metaphor:

“I think of my sexuality as a sea snail, the kind with the coiled shell. For most of my life, my sexuality had lived inside a shell. For one thing, it’s not safe to be gay, so I hid. But now when I feel safe and happy, the snail will venture out of her shell and start to venture across the ocean floor and explore this unknown new world. I used to think the shell was a prison, but it’s really just a place to be safe if there’s real harm around. When I feel safe, there’s a door that I can venture out of and go as far as I want.

I’m 61, and I was thinking about women my age whose sexuality has gone out like the tide or at least they think it has. Then I started thinking about spaciousness, to live in the spaciousness of the unknown, of possibility. Inside the shell can feel safer, but I think an existence with spaciousness is what we are hopefully evolving into. There’s this ‘letting go of certainty’ aspect in sexuality that mirrors letting go into the spiritual life. For me, I think that’s how those two come together. There’s a huge element of letting go around the time of menopause. The reality of our finite life can be very freeing. There’s a letting go of needing to be a certain way, the way that conforms to being young. Instead of framing that as loss, to me it’s letting go of a whole lot of baggage and realizing your shell has a door. It’s freedom.”

I was amazed at how frequently words like freedom and liberation were used by the sexually woke in relation to midlife. This certainly wasn’t what I was taught! Freedom came in many forms: freedom from limiting beliefs, freedom from fear of pregnancy, and even freedom to make more noise or be more spontaneous without family in the house. Christine adds:

“Sex is so liberating now. I am past the baby stage. There’s no more waiting for a period to either get here or not and no more worrying about getting pregnant. I know what I like, and we are comfortable with each other. His body knows my body; it ‘listens,’ and it’s learned when to move left or right, keep going, stop, or try something else. Although we talk openly about sex, sometimes he just knows exactly what to do by the way my body is responding. It’s like we are in our 20s again but better because we’ve both learned so much and look forward to just being together.”

“It seems to me there are two possibilities. One is that you are still in a fog of years of youthful, idiotic, and delusional thinking, not really understanding things. On the other hand, now with some years and experience under your belt, you have a certain strength, clarity, and wisdom. I am starting to understand things. In the old days, they would have called me a crone. The wise old woman that the village would go to for advice. But maybe I can be a sexy crone. I feel better than ever. I don’t care so much what other people think. I am free to be myself. I can make love with my husband, and I am all here.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk about STI status with your sexual partner

By Julia Naftulin

  • Talking about STIs with a new sexual partner can feel uncomfortable because it’s not something we were taught to do, but the conversation is essential for your health.
  • First consider what type of confirmation you need from your partner, whether it’s their word or written documentation. Then, be straightforward in asking.
  • You should also consider how often you should revisit the topic, especially if you and your new partner aren’t exclusive. 
  • This story is part of a series tackling sex education for adults, making it more inclusive, informative, and shame-free.

When you’re in the heat of the moment with a new partner, discussing the last time you got tested for sexually transmitted diseases isn’t likely at the top of your mind.

But having this discussion with every regular partner you have will make your sex life safer and more carefree.

If left untreated, STIs can lead to health complications like infertility, organ damage, cancer, or death, according to the Mayo Clinic. And if you unknowingly contract an STI, you could pass it to another sex partner.

That’s why it’s never too soon to discuss STD status with a new sexual partner, according to New York City-based therapist Rachel Wright who recently launched a sex-ed workshop series for adults. In fact, the sooner, the better.

Ask yourself: What do I need to feel safe?

Before approaching your new boo, you should figure out exactly what you need from them to feel safe enough to have sex, Wright said.

For some folks, taking a sexual partner at their word is enough to proceed. But for someone else, seeing documentation from a partner’s most recent STD exam may make them more comfortable about sex.

Whatever you need is valid, and “everybody’s all over the spectrum, so we need to know that about ourselves first so that we know what to ask for,” Wright told Insider.

Schedule a time to talk, ideally before you have sex

Next, it’s time to alert your partner that you want to chat. Ideally, you should have this conversation before you have sex with a new partner for the first time.

You shouldn’t immediately dive into the conversation, but instead say, “Hey, I would love to find 15 minutes for us to sit down and have a discussion about STIs,” Wright said.

Though it can feel uncomfortable to be so straightforward if you’ve never broached the topic before, the more you assert yourself, the more natural it will feel, according to Wright.

“The more overt you can be, it’s so much less awkward. It’s less awkward than skirting around it,” she said, adding that it only feels uncomfortable because most people were never taught how to discuss sexually transmitted diseases or infections.

Keep emotions out of it

When you launch into discussing STI status, you don’t need to define your relationship or bring emotions into the situation, said Wright, because it’s a conversation about sexual health and nothing more.

Instead, frame it as, “I’ve enjoyed getting to know you so far, and we don’t need to have a relationship-status conversation. But I’d like to know if there are other people in your life, for STI reasons. Am I at risk for any exposure?” said Wright.

This framing also keeps the conversation open, so if you or your sexual partner see other people, you’ll both feel inclined to share since you created space for these conversations early on in your relationship, according to Wright.

You should also take this time to share your own STI testing and status.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex after heart attack boosts survival prospects, study suggests

Sex can be a workout in itself.

By Alexandra Thompson

Heart attack patients may have better long-term survival prospects if they start having sex again within a few months of their health scare, research suggests.

Scientists from Tel Aviv University looked at 495 sexually active people aged 65 or under who were hospitalised with their first heart attack between 1992 and 1993.

Results revealed the patients who maintained or even increased their sexual activity in the six months following the life-threatening event were 35% less likely to die over the next 22 years than those who abstained or cut back from intimacy.

An active sex life is often a marker of wellbeing, with the scientists wondering if intercourse soon after a heart attack helped the participants see themselves as a “functioning, young and energetic person”, which could aid adherence to a healthy lifestyle.

Sex is also a workout in itself, which boosts cardiovascular health, added the team.

More than 100,000 heart attack hospital admissions occur each year in the UK – one every five minutes.

In the US, someone has a heart attack every 40 seconds.

Like all vigorous exercise, sex temporarily raises a person’s heart rate and blood pressure.

Sudden bursts of intense activity can trigger a heart attack, which may put some survivors off intercourse. The risk is lower, however, among those who exercise regularly.

“For this and other reasons, some patients (including younger ones) hesitate to resume sexual activity for long periods after a heart attack,” said study author Professor Yariv Gerber.

To better understand the benefits of sex after a heart attack, the Tel Aviv scientists analysed data from the Israel Study of First Acute Myocardial Infarction.

The participants’ average age was 53 and nine in 10 (90%) were men. A 2016 Harvard study found heart attacks are around twice as common in men as women.

While in hospital, the patients were asked about their sexual activity in the year before their heart attack. The same participants were then interviewed three to six months after being discharged.

Just under half (47%) claimed to have abstained or cut back from intimacy following their health scare, while 53% returned to their normal level of intercourse or even increased how often they were sexually active.

Over a follow-up period of around 22 years, 211 (43%) of the patients died.

Results – published in the European Journal of Preventive Cardiology – revealed maintaining or increasing the frequency of sexual activity within the first six months of a heart attack reduced the risk of death over the follow-up by 35%, compared with abstaining or cutting back.

The survival benefit was most marked for non-cardiovascular deaths, like cancer.

The results remained the same after the scientists accounted for other factors that affect mortality, such as obesity, depression and the severity of the heart attack.

“Sexuality and sexual activity are markers of wellbeing,” said Professor Gerber.

“Resumption of sexual activity soon after a heart attack may be a part of one’s self-perception as a healthy, functioning, young and energetic person.

“This may lead to a healthier lifestyle generally.

“Patients who perceive their health as poor might be less likely to start having sex again.

“They may also be less likely to adhere to cancer screening tests and other prevention practices during follow-up.”

Sex can also have more direct benefits.

“Improved physical fitness, stronger spouse relations and a mental ability to ‘bounce back’ from the initial shock of the event within a few months are among the possible explanations for the survival benefit observed among the maintained/increased group,” added Professor Gerber.

The scientists noted the study involved few female and young participants, which may prevent the results being applied to the general population

Nevertheless, Professor Gerber added: “These findings should serve to reduce patients’ concerns about returning to their usual level of sexual activity soon after a heart attack.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Exactly what happens to your body when you don’t have sex for a long time

– or at all

by Paisley Gilmour

We often hear terms like ‘blue balls’ and ‘sexual frustration’ – but what are the real physical and mental effects of a dry spell?

In our sex-obsessed society, people who don’t have sex ever or for a very long time are often seen as abnormal or unusual.

For people who find pleasure and enjoyment in masturbating and having partnered sex, the idea that someone chooses not to or just doesn’t feel sexual attraction can be quite hard to understand. But many asexuals and people who are celibate are perfectly healthy despite not having sex for long periods (or ever, in some cases).

Yet still, people feel concerned about the effects – both mental and physical – of not having sex for a long time. We all often overhear people using terms like ‘blue balls’ and ‘sexual frustration’ – so what exactly are the effects of not having sex for a long time?

Asexuality and celibacy

Asexuals are people who do not feel or experience sexual attraction. Asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, and is not a choice despite being regularly confused with celibacy. Some asexual people do still masturbate and have sex. Asexuality is a spectrum and everyone experiences it differently.

Celibacy is when someone chooses not to have sex, for an extended period of time or forever. People choose to be celibate for a number of reasons, ranging from religious beliefs to simply wanting to focus more on other aspects of life.

Physical effects of not having sex for a long time

When someone does not have sex for a while, it is unlikely there will be a negative physical side effect, according to Dr Earim Chaudry, medical director at Manual. ‘A study showed that compared males and females who have not had sex in the last year against males and females who have not had sex for more than five years. Results showed that “sexless Americans reported very similar happiness levels as their sexually active counterparts”.’

However, Chaudry points out that there are physical benefits that are associated with sex. ‘Sex can make your body release hormones, like oxytocin and endorphins which are known as “happy hormones” which help with reducing your blood pressure and lowering stress levels.’

Stress and sexual frustration

‘Not having sex for a long time can result in sexual frustration and pent up emotions because the hormone changes that occur during sex and orgasm are not happening. This is more common in men but applicable for all genders,’ says Dr Shirin Lakhani, a cosmetic doctor and a recognised expert in the field of intimate health at Elite Aesthetics.

Research has shown that sexual intercourse is more effective at relieving stress than masturbation.

This can result in people of all and any genders feeling frustrated and experiencing dips in their mood. ‘Research has also shown that sexual intercourse is more effective at relieving stress than masturbation, so people who are not having sex may feel more stressed than usual,’ she adds. ‘This is because sex increases the levels of endorphins and the hormone oxytocin produced by the brain. Oxytocin can offset the effects of the stress-causing hormone cortisol.’

Arousal and orgasm

Lakhani says women and people with vaginas may experience changes in their bodies as a response to a decrease in sexual intercourse and orgasm. ‘Women who are less stimulated may experience a loss of lubrication, and it can also lead to problems getting aroused or reaching orgasm,’ she explains.

Circulation

Not having sex regularly can also negatively affect the circulation and blood vessels, according to Lakhani. ‘Studies have shown that having sex just twice a week halves a man’s chances of getting clogged arteries, compares to those who only do it less than once a month,’ she says.

‘A study showed that males who regularly ejaculate have shown a reduction in the risk of prostate cancer,’ says Chaudry.

Incontinence

For women and people with vulvas, Chaudry says ‘regular sex can strengthen the pelvic floor and in turn reduce likelihood of incontinence’.

Blue balls or epididymal hypertension

The term blue balls is actually an informal and colloquial term used to describe the condition epididymal hypertension (EH). ‘It affects people with male genitals and causes pain and aching of the testicles after having an erection without an orgasm,’ Lakhani explains. ‘It is often accompanied by a faint blue colour in the testicles, which is where it gets the nickname. It’s not serious but can cause pain and aching.’

Treatment for EH is by becoming unaroused and therefore moving blood flow to another area. Lakhani suggests exercising or taking a cold shower as well as listening to music or engaging in any activity that provides a distraction.

If you are easily stimulated you’re more likely to develop the condition, she adds, explaining that you don’t typically need to see a doctor unless it is regularly causing pain and impacting the enjoyment of your sex life.

Can women get blue balls?

‘Females and people with a vulva can experience a condition that is referred to colloquially as “blue vulva”,’ Lakhani says. The medical name for this condition is vasocongestion. In the same way as blue balls does, it occurs when the blood flow to the genitals increases with sexual arousal.

‘It can result in an aching feeling or a sensation of heaviness around the clitoris and vulva. It can be treated in a similar way to blue balls, with distraction techniques,’ she says.

Mental health effects of not having sex for a long time

‘Sex is a vital component of overall health. Not only does sex allow for human connection and intimacy, but it is important for a series of biological and psychological processes that contribute to our continuing wellbeing. Sexual frustration and the associated difficulties which arise can cause a great deal of distress and sadness,’ explains Daniel Sher, clinical psychologist and sex therapy expert at Between Us premature ejaculation clinic.

Depression and anxiety

Sher says the phenomenon of sexual frustration is an important one to consider from a psychological perspective, however he points out that research into this topic is sparse.

‘Animal studies have suggested that sexual frustration leads to a spike in cortisol levels. It is likely that the same is true for humans. Cortisol is a stress hormone and chronic activation of this chemical can lead to a series of psychiatric health problems. These include depression, anxiety, weight gain, elevated blood-sugar, insomnia and heart problems.’

He adds that for people who already experience low self-esteem, ‘sexual frustration can lead to severe feelings of shame and isolation. People in this situation frequently express a sense of being different, alone and unloveable.’

Low libido and sexual desire

A Between Us Clinic survey found women rated low libido as the most distressing sexual disorder in their male partner. Sher says this ‘likely speaks to the level of distress that can arise in a “sexless” relationship.’ He adds, ‘In fact, 29 per cent of the sample said that having a partner with low libido could lead them to end the relationship, which again demonstrates the psychological importance of having a healthy sexual relationship.’

Celibacy and mental health

Those who choose to be celibate are ‘likely to have alternate support structures in place in order to compensate for this,’ he says. ‘For example, someone who abstains for religious reasons is able to frame their experience of frustration in the context of their spiritual needs, which will make that experience of frustration more bearable.’

If someone is in involuntarily celibate, they may experience often experience shame, anger and disconnectedness. ‘They may feel embittered toward and shunned by mainstream culture. Within the online incel communities, for example, these sorts of feelings and experiences have inspired dangerous ideology that has led people (such as Eliot Roger, for example) to commit murder.’

If sexual frustration is causing you emotional distress

Sher says sexual frustration is easy to treat by ‘having massage or masturbating more frequently’. He adds, ‘It’s also important to remember that the psychological underpinning of sexual frustration is a sense of disconnection. Therefore, it’s a good idea to find alternate ways of connecting socially. Reach out to friends and family members. Volunteer with people or do some charity work. Alternatively, speak to a therapist in order to experience some of that much needed connection, while also exploring other proactive ways of coping.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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BDSM is fun, science confirms

By Thom Waite

For people who aren’t particularly open when it comes to sex and sexuality, BDSM can be difficult to understand, even though previous reports suggest that its practitioners tend to have better sex. Now, a new study suggests that the pleasure associated with BDSM is also scientifically provable.

Published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, the research involved taking blood samples from 35 Belgian couples – recruited via FetLife, a popular social network for the fetish community – before a consensual BDSM “play” session at a sex club. More blood samples were taken after the end of the session, then analysed to measure the change in hormone levels. Meanwhile, a group of 27 people not interested in BDSM (the control group) ran similar tests at a sports club.

The results show that the biological effects of a BDSM interaction are a clear indicator of increased pleasure. For dominant partners, this is mainly linked to the power play aspect of the interaction, which caused a rise in endocannabinoid levels (which are linked to feelings of bliss and contentment). For submissive partners, on the other hand, the results showed that the hormonal change isn’t associated with power play, but with pain play.

Another finding was the increased release of cortisol – typically a response to stress – in submissive partners, but not their dominant counterparts. The researchers say that the findings: “confirm our hypothesis that a BDSM interaction seems to elicit a stress response from the body.” The study also concludes that this increase in stress is related to the provable experience of pleasure in BDSM interactions.

According to the researchers, demonstrating this biological drive behind sexual behaviors that many people find “aberrant” or abnormal is a first step in deconstructing the stigma.

Elise Wuyts, the author of the study, tells PsyPost: “Even though the idea of including power imbalances and pain in (sexual) intimacy is something many people struggle with, enjoying these practices has a biological basis and could for instance be compared to the pleasurable high that long-distance runners experience.” 

“Because this is a pilot study,” Wuyts adds, “it is only scratching the surface of what can be said about the biology of BDSM… It would be interesting to see if the results can be reproduced with other cultures or larger sample sizes.” Presumably, FetLife has plenty of willing participants if a future study were to come around.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Anxiety Totally Ruined My Sex Life —

But Then It Made My Relationship Even Better

By Madeline Howard

These are the strategies that worked for me…

I’ve had anxiety on and off for as long as I can remember. As a kid, I’d stay awake worrying that my family and I would literally die in our sleep for no reason at all. I’ve always felt the worst at night, alone with my thoughts. When I was younger, that meant staring at the ceiling and feeling the beat of my racing heart, but as an adult, it actually affected my sex life.

Alejandro (‘Ale’ for short), now my boyfriend of two years, knew about my anxiety the moment we started dating, but about a year into our relationship, I had a terrible flare-up that lasted for weeks. I’d hop into bed, my chest would tighten, and my heart rate would skyrocket. Sex was the absolute last thing on my mind. I just wanted to calm the heck down and not feel like the world was about to end. (Not exactly a recipe for intimacy, hah.)

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One night, Ale tried to initiate sex and I straight up burst into tears. We stayed up talking about how my nerves were ruining my libido, and we knew we needed a concrete solution—sex is veeery important to both of us—and we committed to finding one that works.

63 percent of anxiety sufferers worldwide are women, with many cases going unreported.

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So we tried deep-breathing exercises…

First up: Every night before bed, we did five minutes of deep-breathing exercises and “body scans,” during which we would lie back and tense each muscle until we zen’d out (my S.O. learned this technique from doing yoga with his mom).

We’d use guided scans from the Calm app, and they generally lasted long enough that by the time we realized the scan was over, we were about to pass TF out. So yeah, it helped my anxiety, but we usually fell asleep. Definitely useful, but not so much ~sexy~. Back to the drawing board.

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But cardio was key

We tried moving our anti-anxiety practices to earlier in the day, starting with a run. My doc had told me cardio could rev my arousal levels and Ale is an *avid* runner, so we’d take long jogs along the river once I got back from work.

While running, we’d give each other the details of our respective days. I’d feel my stressors fall away as our feet clapped the pavement. By the time we got back to the apartment, my mood was definitely lifted.

We’d make dinner after exercising, shower together, watch our favorite shows, and just talk. The runs put me in a good mood for the rest of the night until my head hit the pillow. Things were definitely looking up, but not quiiite there yet. It was a li’l glimmer of hope, though.

And we went to bed earlier

One of the last things we tried was heading to bed a bit earlier. I thought this would help me establish more of a routine (I’m a night owl) instead of constantly laying awake in my ruminating thoughts.

Plus, it would give me a chance to ~chill~ for a while, wrapped up in his arms, and get in a sexual mood, free of any pressure to start sex quickly in the name of going to sleep ASAP.

Time made all the difference

This early-to-bed strategy turned out to be crucial because it allowed us the time to cuddle and experiment. We tried incorporating more vibrating toys that offered an easy (and fun) distraction from my dread, and spent more time on foreplay. Soon, this intentional, extra-intimate sex became as ingrained in our routine as brushing our teeth.

A year later, the benefits extend way beyond a better mood. Since we made sex such a priority early in our ’ship, we learned a ton about what we like and don’t like and set the tone: no convo is off-limits.

We still talk about what’s working and what’s not, both in and outside the bedroom, and in a weird way, I have my anxiety to thank for that.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!