By Natalie Morris
For total beginners. the world of BDSM can seem incredibly intimidating and miles out of your comfort zone – but there simple ways to ease yourself into it, if you’re curious.
If you only have the vaguest sense of what BDSM actually is, you might ask yourself a number of questions before you give it a try: How can I be dominant? Do I want to be submissive? What equipment will I need? How do I bring this up with a partner? How ‘kinky’ should I be?
As with any sexual exploration with a partner, the key thing here is communication. Talking to your partner about your desires, their desires and what both of you do and don’t want, should be the starting point for exploring BDSM.
Once you’ve covered that conversation, it can be hard to know where to actually get started, and hard to build up the courage.
But, if you’re interested in giving BDSM a try from a novice perspective, the sexperts at Satisfied Box are on hand to answer all of your awkward questions:
What is BDSM?
This is, of course, the first question that needs to be answered.
There is a bit of a debate on exactly what this four-lettered acronym means:
- B&D – Bondage and Discipline
- D&S – Dominance and Submission
- S&M – Sadism and Masochism
The first thing to acknowledge is that just because you’re interested in BDSM, it doesn’t mean you need to practice all of the above. You certainly can, if you would like, but BDSM involves engaging in any one or more of these elements.
‘The way you choose to practice BDSM depends entirely on your, and your partner’s, preferences,’ say the sexperts. ‘No two dynamics are the same, and communication will be an integral part of your kinky endeavors.’
Communication, trust and consent
Communication isn’t the only important thing between you and your partner, you also need a great deal of trust and, of course, consent.
The Satisfied Box sexperts explain that there are a couple of community guidelines that stress the necessity of these concepts:
- RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
- SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual)
‘Regardless of what tools, toys or techniques you choose to experiment with, we can’t emphasise enough just how important these guidelines are,’ they add.
‘Whilst many (especially beginners) will engage in a considerably light and playful form of BDSM, it’s important to understand that there are risks of both physical and mental harm when engaging in this erotic practice.’
How to talk to your partner about BDSM
Despite the fact that our significant other should be the one person we can talk to about anything, deep down we all know it’s not that simple.
‘It can be incredibly daunting to bring up an interest in something that society is typically judgmental about,’ the sexperts tell us. ‘Especially with the one person you never want to be judged by.
‘If you want to try out some BDSM, however, communication is the first step. After all, the most successful relationships rely on honest, compassionate communication.’
They explain it like this – if you already have a poor level of trust with your partner, you probably shouldn’t engage in BDSM anyway. If you have a good level of trust with your partner, then (although it may still seem daunting) there should be no issue in making them aware of your fantasies and desires.
‘Bringing this up doesn’t have to mean straight-forward verbal communication, if this feels way too scary,’ the experts add.
‘You could leave them a saucy note, or watch a particularly kinky film together,’ suggest the sexperts.
‘You could even begin by asking them if they have any unexplored kinks or fantasies themselves. Who knows, they might even suggest BDSM first.
‘Just remember that for BDSM to work, it’s essential that both parties are interested and no one feels pressured into doing something they don’t want to do.
‘You both need to be incredibly open with how you feel and what you want – before, during and after.’
Introducing BDSM to your relationship
If you’ve got past the most difficult stage – bringing up your desire in the first place – you now need to work out exactly how to introduce BDSM into your relationship.
The sexperts say that it is important to stress that BDSM doesn’t have to involve the cliché latex outfits and whips, let alone anything as dramatic as sex dungeons or humiliation (although this is all perfectly acceptable if you’re both into it).
‘In fact, it’s more than likely that, if assessing your regular sexual habits, you have already engaged in a little BDSM already,’ they explain.
‘Do you and your partner ever like to pin each other down during sex? Or maybe scratch and bite at each other a little, or even experiment with some light spanking? All this falls into the considerably broad category of BDSM, albeit very lightly.
‘If you do any of the above, a natural progression should be quite clear. You shouldn’t rush anything. There’s no need to jump to the extremes straight away.
‘If you like pinning each other down, why not try tying each other up? If you like a bit of spanking and biting, why not try a bit of hair pulling, or even just spanking and biting a bit harder.
‘Just make sure that everyone involved is consenting, and that you have a safe-word prepared just in case things get a bit too much.’
And remember – you definitely don’t have to try BDSM. If the idea of it is just way too intimidating or stresses you out, it is fine to decide that it isn’t for you. It doesn’t make you a ‘prude’ or unadventurous.
Similarly, if you try BDSM and realise that you’re not enjoying it, or you change your mind, it’s also fine to stop and never try it again.
Trying new things in the bedroom should come from a place of pleasure and security, you should never feel pressured to do anything.
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