Tag: Relationship Advice

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How a New Wave of Inclusive Sexual Wellness Products Ensures Pleasure Is for All

By Mary Grace Garis

Sexual wellness brand Cake was founded in June with two guiding intentions in mind. The first is that, like Cake’s frosted namesake, sex is something to be enjoyed guilt-free. And the second is that, by creating specialized, high-quality products that are accessible to all genders, sexual preferences, and relationship structures, the pleasure market could be a more inclusive place.

To be sure, there’s a lot of work to be done regarding inclusivity in the sexual wellness industry, specifically in the way products are marketed. “As a gay man, I knew how beneficial lubricants were, but there just weren’t any on the market that stood out as the best [for me],” says Cake co-founder and CMO Mitch Orkis. “As a straight man, Hunter [Morris, Cake’s co-founder] knew about lubricants, but often found the many offerings and strange ingredients confusing. As we began to ask others about their sex life and preferences, it became clear that there was an opportunity to offer something better.”

Cake’s lubricants are geared toward different sexual activities, rather than just a “his/hers” approach. This not only validates varying identities, but also acknowledges a range of preferences and experiences in a way that maximizes pleasure for all. “Someone trying butt play for the first time should not reach for the traditional lube they use for penis or vaginal play, and those who use toys will want specially formulated ‘non-drip’ lube to avoid unwanted messes,” Orkis says. “The ‘Aloe’ lubricant is organic, including quinoa and oat extract, and aloe-based for vagina play, whereas the ‘Backside Slide’ product includes non-absorbing, long-lasting silicone ingredients ideal for anal play.”

And that specificity matters. While it’s great that, on a cultural level, the understanding of sex is expanding beyond a heteronormative, monogamous, P-in-V approach, there’s still room for growth. The next phase of making pleasure accessible to all people focuses on the growth of inclusive sexual wellness products, like Cake’s, so everyone’s specific needs can be recognized and celebrated.

The current problem with labels and oppressive language in pleasure products

My first encounter with personal lubricant was with a “his/hers” two-pack I snagged from a drugstore shelf. The not-so-subtle messaging of this product? There are two genders, and they are the only ones that can please each other. The packaging and marketing conveys that there’s no space for solo play, for same-sex loving, for people who don’t subscribe to the gender binary. Unfortunately, the “For Her Pleasure,” “For His Pleasure” dichotomy remains rampant and is certainly not limited to drugstore brands.

Take the beloved Sliquid Sassy lube for example: A quick peek at the hot pink bottle immediately signals to me that it’s for those who identify as women, and the vaginal-looking flowers with the “women” symbol on the label really drive that point home. This needlessly genders the product, leaving trans, genderqueer, non-binary folks entirely out of the conversation.

And remember, identifying as a woman and having a vagina aren’t the same thing. That why Alexandra Fine, CEO and co-founder of pleasure-product company Dame Products and Well+Good Changemaker, notes how important it is for products and brands to be mindful of the differences between sex and gender (sex refers to a biological genitalia, whereas gender refers to how a person identifies). Accordingly, Dame’s products cater to those who are “vulva-havers,” not women. “Especially when talking about sex products, clearly communicating which body part a product was designed for helps us to best share how to use the product in the most pleasurable and safe way possible,” says Fine. “By using this language, we aim to make all people with that body part feel seen and welcomed into our Dame family, no matter their gender identity.”

“Especially when talking about sex products, clearly communicating which body part a product was designed for helps us to best share how to use the product in the most pleasurable and safe way possible.” —Alexandra Fine, CEO, Dame Products

Since sex toys are for all bodies—just used differently for different bodies—the packaging needs to reflect that reality. When we gender pleasure products and, by proxy, people, it can harm someone’s mental health as well as their sexual health.

“Psychologically, it can cause folks to distrust and discount their own feelings and desires, which, over time, can lead to folks struggling in many other ways sexually,” says sex educator and trauma specialist Jimanekia Eborn, who adds that gendering people who are keen to explore new sexual possibilities does them a disservice and can make them doubt themselves.

And as Step Tranovich, creator of sex-positive toy brand Cute Little Fuckers, points out, people of all identities and sexualities enjoy sex—and product offerings need to reflect that. “It’s time for inclusivity, time to make toys that don’t just make people’s bodies feel good, but also to make people feel good about who they are,” they say. Cute Little Fuckers aims to do just that with its language and design. The toys are shaped like aquatic monsters (Starsi, $79, is a starfish-shaped vibrator), and the brand even has a companion comic strip where the CLFs go exploring. Injecting a sense of playfulness can help bring an arms-wide-open approach to sexuality.

In addition to a product’s appearance and language choice, the sexual-wellness products can be more inclusive by offering education as a facet of the brand. Kiana Reeves, chief brand educator at sexual wellness company Foria Wellness, says education and storytelling are crucial to the brand’s ethos (it offers sexual health information via its on-site blog).

“One of our main focuses is making sure our language and visuals are inclusive and represent a range in age, body, gender identity, race, and sexual orientation, especially when it comes to our intimacy products,” says Reeves. “Most of our intimacy line was developed for people with vulvas, some of whom identify as women, and some who don’t. We’re careful with our language not to encourage gender binary or heteronormative narratives.”

How can sexual-wellness brands be more inclusive?

According to Eborn, brands need to listen to consumers—their needs, their desires, their voices percolating in comments sections. There’s also a powerful need for companies to not only reflect diverse identities, but be composed of diverse individuals.

“Hire folks that are not white, cis, and hetero to work for the companies, not just because you want them to fill a spot on a checklist, but because your company genuinely wants to be better and grow and supports all humans,” says Eborn. These are the leadership moves that can help democratize sexual pleasure, which is key.

By exercising specificity in language, amplifying diverse voices and visuals, employing people of all identities, and just giving a damn about providing access to pleasure for all people, brands can be more inclusive. “[A brand’s] responsibility is to show up and respect the consumer. Create things for the consumer, and not just the consumers that look like you,” says Eborn.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Beginner’s Guide to Spanking Therapy

by Gabrielle Kassel

Erotic. Painful. Punitive. These are some of the ways you might describe a good ol’ bum whooping. But therapeutic? Well, that’s the idea behind spanking therapy.

Below, two kink educators explain WTH spanking therapy entails and why people are into it.

While it always involves bum bumping, what qualifies as spanking therapy is up for debate.

For example, as sex worker and sex educator Corey More explains, spanking therapy is any BDSM spanking scene.

Because according to them, any consensual risk-aware spanking session is going to have therapeutic benefits.

Pleasure-based, queer-inclusive kink educator Lateef Taylor says that the difference between a regular spanking session and a spanking therapy scene is intention.

“Just like all therapy, for it to count as spanking therapy, you have to go into it with the intention to move through something,” they say.

Regardless of which definition you choose, spanking therapy is the use of spanking to:

  • create a sensation of release
  • explore power play and relinquishment
  • work through trauma
  • process negative emotions
  • begin to understand your full potential

“There’s a difference between slapping someone’s rear end willy-nilly and spanking therapy,” says Taylor. In other words, spanking therapy requires skill!

And it isn’t a skill you learn while training to be a licensed marriage family therapist, for instance. Spanking therapy typically doesn’t involve going to a credentialed or licensed therapist.

So who do you go to? Usually a sex worker, according to More.

“There are a plethora of incredibly skilled sex workers who specialize in BDSM, some of who do full-service work, and some of who only do spanking,” explains More.

A session with a sex worker will typically cost you $200 to $400 (per hour or scene, depending) and insurance won’t cover it (ugh).

So, if that’s not in your budget, More recommends finding a skilled spanker through FetLife, which is described as, “Facebook…. for kinky folks.”

“Just be careful and use your common sense,” says More. “Just like any social media platform or dating app, there are some great folks and some creeps.”

Social distancing protocols permitting, sex parties are another great option. To find out how to get into and where to find a sex party near you, ask your local sex shop employees — they’re usually in the know.

“The best part about a sex party is you can watch someone who you want to spank you, spank someone else,” says More.

Finally, if you’re already familiar with the BDSM scene, word of mouth is a great resource! Kinksters are a gossipy group. Let a few know you’re on the hunt for some therapeutic tushy spanking, and word will spread.

Spanking has a reputation as being all about pain and punishment.

“But spanking can be incredibly erotic, freeing, and powerful when done in a controlled and consensual environment,” says More.

“When you’re feeling flattened by life, spanking therapy can be a way to remind you of the fullness of your humanity and the joy of life,” they say. “It can bring you back to your inner fire.”

So why are people into it? Because those (^) are some pretty damn powerful feels.

Depends on the spankee’s objectives!

It can provide a number of things, including:

How spanking has these effects comes down to the release of feel-good endorphins and hormones such as oxytocin, dopamine, and adrenaline.

“No,” says Taylor. “There’s an intimacy there, of course, but it isn’t necessarily sexual.”

They offer an analogy: “You don’t go see your physical therapist because you want to have sex with them. You see them for a specific kind of release.”

So even though the exact same kinds of contact and touch could be sexual in one context, during the therapy session, it’s not, they say.

Really, though, it comes down to your individual definition of “sexual” and “sex.”

Does spanking feel like sex to you? Does sex only occur if there’s genital contact? Is spanking sex if the spankee is bare-bottomed? These are questions all spankees and spankers will have to contend with themselves.

Most of the time the bum is the only part of the body spanked during a spanking therapy session. Why? Because it’s fleshy AF.

How do you spank someone’s tush? Think about each cheek as being split up into four different quadrants.

The lower, innermost quadrant is the most sensitive. This is where the spanker will aim for the greatest response.

But (!) you need to get the bottom and body a chance to warm up to the sensation first.

In fact, More says, if someone doesn’t warm up with you first, it’s a red flag to get out of dodge.

Do you use your hand or… ? “If you’re new to spanking, you should start with your hand,” says More.

As you become more advanced, you can invest in paddles, which will offer different sensations. For example, a silicone paddle = stingy, while a wood paddle = thuddy.

“The rhythm is the most important part,” says Taylor. “The speed can vary, but you want the spanker to get into some sort of rhythm.”

Actually, all sessions should, more or less, follow the same general structure.

The beginning: Scene negotiation

All good BDSM begins with communication. So before the whacking starts, chat about:

  • what you’re hoping to get out of the scene
  • any physical limitations or injuries you have
  • verbal and nonverbal safe words
  • whether you’ll be bare-bottomed or not
  • how you want the scene to end (for example, are you going for a certain number of spanks? Until a certain emotion is reached?).

“The more you communicate before the scene starts, the more likely it is that you’ll get what you want out of the scene,” says More

The middle: The spanking session

Surprise: This is where the aforementioned ~therapeutic magic~ happens.

The end: Aftercare

BDSM-speak for pillow-talk, “aftercare involves checking in with each other and sitting in mutual space as you both come down from the hormonal rush the scene can create,” says More.

(This is often known as sub-drop and top-drop).

Once more for the peeps in the back: Spanking requires skill.

And to be blunt, your boo probably doesn’t (yet) have that skill.

Taylor notes: “Just as you wouldn’t go into talk therapy with your partner [as your therapist], it’s best not to try spanking therapy with your partner.”

So, can you do it with your partner? Sure, if you’re seeking stress release or pleasure. But you both have to be willing to learn:

  • how to try spanking safely
  • how to communicate effectively
  • how to construct a scene

One of the best ways to learn? Hire a sex worker who specializes in spanking to teach you!

They’ll be able to teach you techniques, including:

  • where on the bum is safe to spank
  • how to start a spanking session
  • how to spank someone using a device like a paddle

Sex parties are also an option. Many advanced spankers will be pleased to have an opportunity to show off their skills.

You and your partner can also take a more, well, classic approach to learning:

  • Read the book “The Pleasure Mechanics Guide To Erotic Spanking” (which you can buy online),
  • watch spanking tutorials
  • attend a spanking 101 class at your local sex shop

Now that you’ve read to the bottom (heh) of this article, odds are you know whether spanking therapy is something you want to explore.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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4 Tips For Proudly Introducing Kink Into Your Relationship

By Mary Grace Garis

If during this time in quarantine, you’ve done some sexual exploring about what gets you going—great. Maybe you’ve dedicated some self-care sessions to self-pleasure, had some mind-blowing staycation sex, or taken the BDSM test to explore your NSFW interests. And just maybe, all the sexploration has you wanting to learn how to introduce kink into your relationship as well. If what’s stopping you is a sense of feeling overwhelmed or even embarrassed, stop right there: Sex educators agree that kink is a perfectly healthy and safe form of sexual expression and pleasure, and talking about it with a partner is the first step for removing any level of stigma that may surround it so everyone involved can get to the important part of enjoying it.

Of course, the first step is understanding what kink is. Kink can be construed as a wide variety of consensual sex acts that aren’t vanilla, penetrative, heteronormative sexual intercourse. “Kink is anything that falls outside the bounds of culturally defined expectations, which, because of often wildly puritanical societies, could basically be anything that’s not penile-vaginal intercourse,” sexual-health consultant Francisco Ramirez previously told Well+Good. For some examples, it can include a blindfold, getting tied up, spanking, temperature play, choking, and more. Kink also encompasses BDSM—which stands for “bondage,” “dominance” or “discipline,” “sadism” or “submission,” and “masochism”—which usually involves power play with clear dominant and submissive roles, and sometimes might not even directly involve sex play at all.

Below, Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist with sexual-wellness brand Royal, shares four golden rules for how to introduce kink into a relationship.

4 tips for how to introduce kink into a relationship, according to a sexologist.

1. If you’re afraid to bring it up, say so from the outset

Many of us have to unlearn shame around sexuality, and everyone’s barometer for what constitutes “kink” is different. Before bringing up anything to a partner, know that your interests and preferences are valid. V also recommends coming from a place of vulnerability. “Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you,” says V.

“Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you.” —Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist

She suggests saying something along the lines of, “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about, but it’s hard for me because I’m afraid that maybe you’ll think I’m weird. Do you have some time to talk?” or “Hey, do you have the bandwidth to talk about something? I’ve been hesitant to bring it up because I’m scared, but it’s really important to me.”

2. Be specific about what you’re interested in

Since, as previously mentioned, everyone’s barometer for what constitutes kink is different. That’s why clarity about what you want to you want to introduce into your relationship is so important.

“Once the subject is broached, start small. Give examples, and be willing to explain why you’re interested in something,” says V. “When you use the words ‘kink’ and ‘BDSM,’ many people imagine dungeons and ball gags, which make up a small and very extreme percentage of kinky play.”

3. Use mental imagery as a way of approaching the idea

V suggests prompting specific sex plays with images and speaking in hypotheticals to get the conversation going. An example? “Wouldn’t it be fun for us to play with a little spanking?” The idea of you doing that during sex is so hot! Is that something you’d be open to exploring?” And the conversation can (hopefully) flow from there.

“It helps to have done your research and to come to the conversation with specific examples of what you want and why, as well as what the benefits are to your partner,” V says. “If you can clearly articulate a desire and are able to focus on the potential benefits for both of you and your relationship, you are more likely to be met with enthusiasm.”

4. Be prepared for friction, but don’t get hung up on it

According to V, many great partners will hear out your desires, ask any necessary clarifying questions, and want to make them come true so long as they feel safe doing so. However, not everyone will start with a positive reaction. Be prepared for this, and be willing to forgive your partner if their immediate response comes from a place of shame or judgment.

“Remember that there’s a lot of shame around this subject, and their response will be informed primarily by their culture and their upbringing—not by their best selves—unless they’ve already done some personal work on this,” says V. “If they don’t change their tune, and they continue to judge you for your kinky desires, it might be time to show them the door and find a new partner who can give you an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to exploring.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why is my sex drive so high?

6 reasons for increased libido — and when it might be too high

By Sarah Fielding

  • If your sex drive is higher than normal, it may be due to a fluctuation in hormone levels, your age, or an increase in exercise. 
  • A decrease in stress levels or stopping certain medications might also explain an increased sex drive. 
  • There is no such thing as a “normal” sex drive, but if you feel your libido is impacting your relationships or career, reach out to a sex therapist or consult with your doctor.

While a high libido is often considered healthy, sometimes you might wonder why your sex drive seems higher than normal or has suddenly increased. Here are six reasons why your sex drive may feel unusually high:

1. Your hormone levels are changing

The sex hormones estrogen, progesterone, and testosterone levels can vary during your lifetime — but also within the course of a day — affecting your sex drive along with them.

For women, estrogen levels rise before and during ovulation, causing an increase in sex drive. Meanwhile, high testosterone levels in men have been linked to higher libido. High levels of testosterone are common in younger men and athletes using steroids.

A 2016 report found that being on estrogen therapies, like for menopause or bone loss, may be the reason for a higher sex drive in women. Additionally, if you’re taking testosterone with low-dose estrogen therapy for postmenopausal purposes it may also heighten your sex drive.

2. You’re going through puberty or aging

Those who are younger may have a higher sex drive than older adults. For example, testosterone production increases 10 times in adolescent boys, which explains the increase in arousal or interest in sex at that period in development.

However, middle-aged women may have a higher sex drive than younger women. A 2010 study of adult women found that people between 27 and 45 were more likely to think about sexual activities, have frequent sexual fantasies, a more active sex life, and more intense sexual fantasies than those aged 18 to 26.

3. You’re exercising more

One reason your sex drive may be higher than usual is an increase in physical activity or weight loss. A small 2018 study revealed a positive relationship between physical fitness and a higher sex drive. In fact, the researchers found that in women, arousal was heavily influenced by cardiovascular endurance. 

“Physical activity may make us feel more connected to our bodies and could increase self-image,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California. “When we feel good about ourselves, we’re likely to want to engage in partnered sex more frequently.”

4. You’re in a healthy sexual relationship

Some people may experience a boost in libido if they find themselves in a sexual relationship that’s more enjoyable than their past ones.

“If [sex is] a good and pleasurable experience, then it’s going to make you want to do more of it. If it’s a bad experience or it’s not pleasurable, then a lot of times people will develop an aversion to sex,” says Tamika K. Cross, MD, FACOG, an OBG-YN at Serenity Women’s Health & Med Spa in Pearland, Texas. “You’re going to want more of something that feels good, and that’s pleasurable to you.”

5. You’re less stressed

Your sex drive might be higher than usual because you’re experiencing less stress. Higher stress levels release more cortisol — your fight or flight hormone — which can negatively impact your sex drive, says Cross.

In a small 2008 study, 30 women had their sex drives and cortisol levels measured before and after watching an erotic film. It found that women who had a decrease in cortisol had higher sex drives.

If you’ve recently noticed a dip in your stress levels, that may also explain an increase in sex drive. “Although sex is very physical, it’s very mental and psychological as well,” says Cross.

6. You’ve changed your medication

If you noticed a sudden change in libido it may be because you recently stopped using medication or decreased your dose. Antidepressants, in particular, can negatively impact your sex drive, says Cross. In a 2016 report, 40% of people experiencing sexual dysfunction could attribute it to anti-depressant use.

Other medications that may hinder your sex drive include:

  • Anti-hypertensive medications, which are used to treat high blood pressure
  • Anti-mania medications like lithium
  • Hormones like Lupron or Zoladex

Therefore, if you recently stopped one of these medications, it might explain your higher than normal sex drive. Some people may prefer to discontinue or change a medication because it is impacting their sex life so significantly. Talk to your doctor if you think this may be an issue for you or your partner, as there are many safe alternatives to medications that impact libido.

Can my sex drive be too high?

Just as there is no right amount of sex to be having, no “normal” sex drive exists. “There is a lot of shaming language around those with higher sex drives,” says Lewis. People use terms like ‘sex addict’ and ‘nymphomaniac’ too often, she says, to describe others who have a natural, healthy sex drive.

Finding partners who have a similar sex drive can be a positive way to explore your sexuality, but if your partner and you have fundamentally different sex drives, that doesn’t mean you’re incompatible.

However, “if your high sex drive is getting in the way of commitments such as work, family, or relationships, you might want to see a sex-positive sex therapist to find support on how to manage your sex drive without shame,” says Lewis.

Cross says if you and your partner are not on the same page, as far as sex drive, it can put a stress on the relationship. Receiving help from a sex therapist early on can help you and a partner find a balance that works for both of you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Aging and Sex

By Korin Miller

Sex advice is often geared toward people who are having it for the first time, but it’s understandable that you might still have questions, even when you’re a sex veteran. After all, your body changes as you get older, and you’re not born knowing how to navigate all of this.

>“Our bodies change over time, so it’s very normal to have questions about sex and sexual health at any age, no matter how experienced you are,” women’s health expert Dr. Jennifer Wider, tells Yahoo Life.

But figuring out your “new normal” in your sex life can be “even even more sexually satisfying once you learn how to navigate the hormonal and physical changes that occur with age,” Dr. Lauren Streicher, an associate professor of clinical obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine and author of Sex Rx: Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever, tells Yahoo Life.

Whether you’re in a steady relationship or are single, experts say these are important things to consider to keep your sex life—and sexual health—in top shape, no matter what your age.

Don’t shy away from lubrication

“As women get older, the ovaries make less estrogen,” Dr. Mary Jane Minkin, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology and reproductive sciences at Yale Medical School, tells Yahoo Life. “That can cause [a woman] to be drier.” That’s why Minkin says that lubrication “is key” to having comfortable sex.

Lubrication is also important for lowering your risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections (STIs), Wider says. If you’re not well lubricated during sex, you can be vulnerable to experiencing micro-tears that can open you up to contracting an STI, she explains. “It’s important to be aware of this and to use personal lubrication products,” Wider says.

Use protection with a new partner

Yes, protection is still important when you’re older. And yes, you can get pregnant, which is why birth control is still important in your late 30s and early 40s. “While pregnancy is a lot less likely after 40, it can, and does, happen,” Streicher says. She points to data published in the New England Journal of Medicine that found that 45% of pregnancies in the U.S. are unintended. “Not surprisingly, the highest rate of unintended pregnancy is among women aged 24 and younger,” she says. “Surprisingly, the second-highest rate is among women over 40. In fact, unplanned pregnancies in women over 40 have recently increased because so many women in that group assume they are no longer fertile.”

STIs are still a risk, too, Streicher says. “You shouldn’t be lulled into safety, even if someone tells you they’re low risk because they just got a divorce or something,” she says. “Who knows who else they’ve been with?”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) recommends using condoms to protect against the spread of STIS, nothing that “consistent and correct” use of latex condoms reduces the risk of contracting STIs and HIV. However, the CDC says, condoms, “cannot provide absolute protection.”

Minkin agrees that condoms are not perfect. “They don’t cover everything down there,” she says. “People can still transmit herpes with a condom, for example.” Still, she says, “they’re a good option.”

Keep up your Kegel exercises

Kegel exercises, which can help make the muscles under the uterus, bladder, and bowel stronger, can make sex more enjoyable, Wider says. “Strong pelvic floor muscles are important during sex,” she says. “Doing daily exercises can help strengthen and improve the tone of this muscle group.”

To do the exercises, Medline Plus recommends pretending you have to pee and then holding it. Relax and tighten the muscles that control urine flow—these are your Kegel exercises.

“The pelvic floor is challenged by pregnancy and age,” Minkin says. “It’s good to do these exercises any time, and it’s never too early to start.”

Take your time during sex

This is important at any age, Minkin says. “Most women need time to get things going, and many women and their partners are unaware of that,” she says. She recommends that couples start slowly and incorporate elements of touch and relaxation in foreplay, like giving a gentle massage.

Wider says patience during sex is also crucial. “Many women take longer to reach [climax] when compared with a male partner,” she says. “Giving yourself time to climax is important to sexual satisfaction.”

Get your HPV vaccine

The vaccine against human papillomavirus (HPV), an STI that’s linked to certain forms of cancer, is largely recommended for people under the age of 26, per the CDC. However, people up to age 45 who are not vaccinated may decide to have the vaccine to lower their risk of contracting HPV. “I advise women to get the vaccine, particularly if they’re newly single and not in a monogamous relationship,” Streicher says.

While the HPV vaccine has been tested in and approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for use in people up to age 45, Streicher says she will sometimes give it to patients who are older than that if they’re at a higher risk of contracting HPV. If you’re unsure if you need this, she recommends talking to your doctor.

Get tested for STIs

If you have multiple sexual partners, Minkin recommends that both you and your partners get tested regularly. “There is no absolutely safe hookup,” she says. The CDC recommends that all adults up to age 64 get tested at least once for HIV, and that sexually active women with risk factors like new or multiple sex partners get tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia every year.

Have open communication with your partner</strong

This is a big one, per Minkin. “One of the problems with satisfying sex is boredom,” she says. Minkin recommends having regular conversations with your partner about what you do and don’t like in bed. “If there’s no communication, there’s not going to be good sex,” she says. “Talking and working to liven things up is a good thing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Maximize the Mental Health Benefits of Masturbation

Experts weigh in on the art of mindful masturbation at a time when we can all use it

By Kayla Kibbe

You’ve gotta hand it to masturbation’s PR team. Since 1894, when one William Kellogg intentionally engineered a cereal so bland as to quell sexual excitement and curb masturbatory habits then deemed not only shameful, but harmful, cultural attitudes toward masturbation have done a near 180, with the ultimate physical expression of self-love transformed from an act of self-abuse to one of self-care.

While god-fearing sexual mores and myths of yore linked masturbation to myriad health consequences including blindness, mental illness, hairy palms and even death (followed, of course, by eternal damnation), masturbation’s post-corn-flakes rebrand has seen the act of getting oneself off absolved and proclaimed not only harmless, but downright good for you. Unlike sexphobic cereal makers of centuries past who aimed to save masturbators from certain mental, physical and spiritual demise, experts today tout the various health benefits of what Kellogg and his late-Victorian ilk once called “the solitary vice.” Today, after centuries of bad PR courtesy of — among other entities — the Roman Catholic Church, masturbation is finally recognized as a fun, pleasurable activity that can actually improve your physical, sexual and yes, mental health.

“Masturbation, when devoid of guilt and shame, can have loads of positive benefits on both our mental and physical health,” says Amy Weissfeld, Certified Sex Coach & Somatic Sex Educator. “During masturbation, feel-good chemicals including dopamine and oxytocin are released into the body. Dopamine, a neurotransmitter, makes you feel good and puts you in a better mood. Oxytocin, also known as the love hormone, contributes to feelings of well-being and attachment,” she explains, adding that both dopamine and oxytocin help block the release of cortisol, a hormone associated with stress and anxiety.

In addition to stress relief, this “cocktail of chemicals” — as Bruce P. Grether, masturbation coach and founder of Erotic Engineering puts it — can also improve self-esteem and confidence, “enhanc[ing] happiness and even social harmony with others,” Grether explains.

Suffice to say, stress relief, happiness and social harmony are all things we could use a little more of these days, and masturbating your way there seems like a win-win. That said, there’s a difference between mindlessly rubbing one out and actually masturbating with improved mental health as the goal.

“Masturbating more mindfully is the secret to gaining these mental health benefits,” says Weissfeld. “Don’t just pound it out or try to get it over with,” she adds. “This kind of masturbation is very different from ‘having a wank’ or ‘getting it out of the system.’”

Fortunately, there are ways to hack your masturbatory practice for a more mentally rewarding experience. While — as sex hacker, international sex expert and sex educator Kenneth Play points out — masturbation is no substitute for professional treatment, there are still plenty of mental health benefits to be reaped from your favorite solo pastime if you know how to do it right.

Here, experts offer tips on how to masturbate your way to better mental health, or at least a better state of mind.

Slow Down

“Way the fuck down,” says Weissfeld. “Remind yourself that it’s not about the orgasm or how quickly or slowly you get there. It’s actually about the pleasure — about allowing and inviting pleasure to spread throughout the whole body.”

In a society that tends to prioritize orgasms — especially male ones — as the goal of any sexual encounter, partnered or solo, it can be difficult not to treat masturbation as a race to get yourself off. Reframing this orgasm-centric view is key to more mindful masturbating. Rather than thinking of every stroke as a step toward orgasm, instead focus on paying attention to how each physical sensation actually feels in the moment.

“Too much focus on ejaculation can limit enjoyment,” says Grether, whose approach to mindful masturbation emphasizes the importance of “retraining yourself to focus on your own body in the here and now.”

“Mindfulness really just means alertness, paying full attention to what you are actually doing and feeling, and not getting lost in distraction or fantasy,” he adds.

According to Kenneth Play, this involves “releasing expectations and being open to your body’s messages moment to moment.” By “consciously training yourself to learn to pay more attention to the body’s signals,” he explains, you become more attuned to both mental and physical feelings and the ways they interact. “This may be a feeling of pleasure, or it could be some emotional discomfort that you haven’t really tuned into during your busy day and are only now noticing when you slow down enough.”

After years of jack-hammering yourself to a rapid-release orgasm, however, slowing down may be easier said than done. To remind yourself to stay slow and steady, Weissfeld recommends focusing on your breathing, “which can be used to both increase desire and arousal and to slow things down to a more relaxed sort of savoring.”

And remember, she says, it’s not about how fast you make it to the finish line. “Treating masturbation as the self-love and care it actually is means taking some time.”

Relax

“So many of us are in a chronically stressed-out state, especially during this pandemic. If you’re too stressed out, you may not even feel super sexual in the first place, or you may be used to using sex as a way of relieving stress rather than a way to get in touch with your body,” says Kenneth.

While replacing a midday snack or smoke break with masturbation has become increasingly common in the age of perpetually working from home, (and masturbation is definitely a healthy way to relieve stress during the work day, as long as you keep it off Zoom), it’s important to find time to enjoy masturbation as its own pleasurable act, independent from work or other stressors. In order to set the mood, even if it’s just a party of one, Kenneth suggests lighting candles, taking a bath, working out first or masturbating when you’re feeling sleepy or less energized.

“The body operates differently in states of relaxation, and your sexual responses will be completely different,” he explains. “As men, we often think of sex as a performance or a time to be in a very alert state. But there is another kind of arousal — that which comes from a relaxed body.”

According to Kenneth, many men have never even tapped into this more relaxed state of arousal, but doing so can have huge benefits for both your partnered and solo sex life.

“It’s really worth experimenting to see if you can find this new doorway into pleasure,” he says. “It’s great to try to develop this skill solo so you can bring this more relaxed form of arousal to your partners, but also just so you can experience it for yourself.”

Try something new

Even if you were raised on a steady diet of unhorny corn flakes, there’s a good chance you began masturbating at a young age. This is great and healthy and we should obviously encourage young people to begin expressing and exploring their sexuality in safe and consensual ways as early as they display an interest. That said, many adults are still holding firm to rigid masturbatory habits they formed years if not decades ago, which may be keeping them from a more physically and mentally satisfying experience.

“Men often get stuck in one position using a standard one-handed piston-stroke, and race to the finish-line, focused on ejaculation,” says Grether. “These are learned habits.”

Indeed, while not the addictive societal ill it was once thought, “masturbation does reinforce habits,” says Kenneth. “If you continually masturbate the same way, you are training yourself to be in that state of consciousness while having sex and for your body to perform [a certain] way.”

Fortunately, habits can be broken, and introducing a little novelty into your masturbation routine is probably a lot more fun (and easier) than trying to kick whatever other habits you’ve been reinforcing since childhood.

Mixing things up can be as simple as “touching yourself in a different way,” says Weissfeld. “If you always use your right hand, try your left. If you always use a massage stroke, try squeezing and releasing, or feather-light touch.”

Of course, you could also try introducing toys, adding, changing or removing porn from the equation, or masturbating with a partner.

Get Loud

Again, many of us have been masturbating from a young age, at which point we probably internalized some residual corn flakes-era masturbation shame. These lingering mentalities may have contributed to certain habits designed to keep our self-pleasure sessions quiet and secret, like “silencing ourselves or trying to be very small, quick and doing it in the dark,” says Weissfeld.

“At first this might be because we don’t want our caregivers or siblings to hear or discover us,” she explains. “Then perhaps because we don’t want our roommates or partners to hear us, and eventually we might be grown up and have kids of our own we silence ourselves for.”

While it’s obviously important to be respectful of the fact that the people you share your home or the other side of the wall in your apartment with may not want to be privy to your self-pleasure sessions, this continually reinforced inhibition can keep us from fully enjoying the experience.

“This is kind of like going to eat fast food in your car every day while trying not to make a mess,” says Kenneth. “Once you are at a nine-course Michelin-star meal, you might forget how to relax and actively enjoy your food. It’s important to practice enjoying your body some of the time so you don’t get stuck in a certain mode, unable to really enjoy yourself.”

Part of this comes from allowing yourself to be loud, or generally take up space you normally wouldn’t when you’ve been hardwired to approach masturbation like a dirty secret.

“Learn to be louder, take up more space,” says Weissfeld, who adds that the act of producing sound can actually have a physical effect on the erotic experience. “Allow yourself to make sound on the exhalation of breath and to moan deeply in the back of the throat,” she advises. “This activates the vagus nerve, which helps move those feel-good chemicals throughout the body.”

If being more vocal isn’t an option, there are other ways to make masturbation feel more like an experience than a secret.

“Perhaps you’d like to dim the lights, or lie on a blanket that’s especially cozy and soft, or listen to some incredibly sexy music, or wear something that turns you on, or use oil that makes your skin feel slippery and soft, or add sex toys to your play, or take a bath, or simply pause in the shower to feel how incredible the warm water feels cascading down your back,” she suggests. “Give yourself permission to spend some time on you, and to notice and savor every little sensation that brings you pleasure while you masturbate.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How The Pandemic Has Changed Our Sexuality

By Kim Elsesser

Sex lives have changed dramatically since last March.  Sales of sex toys are on the rise and a new survey reveals that singles are turning to masks, videos and roommates to help meet their sexual needs while staying safe from Covid-19. For couples, increased time together can mean more freedom for intimacy, but the increased stress from the pandemic can also be a libido killer. Here’s the scoop on what has changed in the last seven months.

A new Singles in America survey from Match confirms that sexual behavior has changed dramatically since the pandemic took hold.  Although many are abstaining from sex completely (Match reports that 71% of singles haven’t had sex since the pandemic started), other singles are turning to roommates to meet their intimacy needs. Of the singles who have been sexually active during the pandemic, almost a quarter of them (24%) reported having sex with a non-romantic roommate. The percentage hooking up with a roommate was higher for the younger generations, with a whopping 46% of Gen Z and 33% of Millennials saying they had sex with a non-romantic roommate. Even local governments have been encouraging roommate sex. New York City told its residents who were looking to stay safe from Covid-19, that “you are your safest sex partner,” adding, “the next safest partner is someone you live with.” While roommate sex may limit virus exposure, it does seem fraught with other pitfalls.

Sexologists call a shift in behavior, like this move to roommate sex, situational sexual behavior. Dr. Helen Fisher, Match’s scientific advisor on the survey, describes, “Situation sexual behavior is sexual behavior that one expresses in situations or circumstances in which they are unable to express their normal, preferred patterns of sexuality. It is common among prisoners, among those in other confining institutions, in wartime settings, among travelers in unfamiliar places and in other situations in which an individual is not able to pursue their normal and/or preferred habits, behaviors and patterns of sexuality.”

Sales of sex toys have also increased during the pandemic. In April, just after the shutdown started, Wow Tech Group, owner of We-Vibe and Womanizer, reported online sales for both brands had increased over 200% compared to last year. On the day that the WHO declared Covid-19 a pandemic, Adult Toy Megastore saw sales triple in New Zealand, Australia, and Britain. Emily Writes, a spokesperson for the Megastore, told The Guardian, “We’re selling a lot of beginner toys … all our beginner ranges are very popular. It definitely looks like people are saying: ‘I’ve got time, I might try something new.’”

Rachel Braun Scherl, vagipreneur (her trademarked label for someone in the business of female sexual health) and managing partner at SPARKS Solutions for Growth says part of the increase in sex toy use is due to logistical realities during the pandemic. “People are with their partners hours and hours more every day than they have been for years. No one is traveling, no one is going out to dinner, the physical proximity is greater, so there are many more opportunities for engaging in intimacy,” she says.

The increase in sex toy sales is also likely related to an increase in self-pleasure during the pandemic. Scherl says one reason may be the additional focus on health and wellness during the pandemic. “We’re hearing so much during the pandemic about self-care and how important that is. And that narrative has been extended to include pleasure, ” she says. Adding one more potential reason for the uptick in self-pleasure, she says, “It’s also much scarier to be dating casually right now. In place of casual sexual encounters, people are now focusing on self-pleasure.”

For those who are engaging in sex with those outside of their households, there has been a shift as well. In September, the Chief Public Health Officer of Canada, Dr. Theresa Tam, issued a statement that included recommendations for those having sex with anyone outside of the household. Tam writes,  “Sex can be complicated in the time of Covid-19, especially for those without an intimate partner in their household or whose sexual partner is at higher risk for Covid-19. Like other activities during Covid-19 that involve physical closeness, there are some things you can do to minimize the risk of getting infected and spreading the virus.” She recommends skipping the kissing and wearing a mask.

Match didn’t ask about mask-wearing during sex specifically, but 20% of singles in their survey report wearing mask throughout their dates. Singles have also adopted other safety measures, like video screening of potential dates. Match reports that 68% of singles reported using video dating to determine whether they wanted to meet someone in real life, and video dating has increased 25% in the last three years.

In order to stay safe, singles could also be asking potential dates to be tested for the virus prior to intimacy. “Where they used to say, show me your HIV test, now they could be asking, ‘please show me your negative Covid test,’” Scherl says. There’s also evidence people are talking to their partners about the extent of their potential exposure to the virus. Dr. Abraar Karan of Harvard Medical School agrees and suggested to NPR that daters should approach the conversation about their partner’s health the same way they would talk about sexually transmitted diseases before being intimate with someone for the first time.

It’s also important to note that not everyone is increasing their sexual activity during the pandemic. “There are people who are going to town and having more sex and buying more toys, and there are people for whom the stress of the pandemic is so great it has the opposite reaction,” Scherl says. In particular, stress related to family health or financial stress incurred during the pandemic can have a negative impact on libido.

Scherl believes the best news about sexuality in pandemic times is the greater emphasis on women’s health and the impact that sexual behavior can have on health. She adds another benefit, “Sexual health and sexual pleasure and sexual enjoyment are becoming much more comfortable topics in our society.” Openness and more discussion about these topics will hopefully lead to better health outcomes and more enjoyment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Dating All Genders for the First Time?

Here’s Where To Start.

Explore dating new people with care and compassion front of mind.

by Taylor Hartman

Sara Saito was nervous. Her palms were sweating as she sat at a crowded bar, waiting for her date.

Saito had been in the U.S. for a semester studying business abroad at the University of Utah, and she was about to go on her first real date since starting school.

The date itself wasn’t what was giving Saito nerves — after all, she’d dated people in high school and had a boyfriend for a year.

She was nervous because after struggling with her sexual identity for years, this was the first time she was going on a date with a woman.

“I’d always been attracted to women but I was too scared of the unknown,” Saito said. “I’m a pretty shy person, so doing something social that’s new is scary for me.”

As a single person in a new city, Saito said she was finally ready to better understand herself and explore dating a wider variety of people. When she first found out she wanted to start date women, Saito felt lost, unsure of where to look or how to begin.

“I can download Tinder and change the gender to women, but for me, I was still nervous,” Saito said.

“What if I say the wrong thing or break a ‘rule?’ What if I find out I am less attracted to girls [than I thought]? Those were real concerns for me because I was so new to everything, it all was overwhelming and scary.”

Ready to date different genders? Self knowledge is key

Like Saito, many young people feel more comfortable with exploring their sexuality these days, but navigating a new social landscape can be a scary prospect.

For mental health experts like Sorin Thomas, exploring and understanding one’s gender is a beautiful part of life. But it should be done with care and other people’s well-being in mind, and always remembering hearts are at stake.

Thomas is the founding and executive director of QUEER ASTERISK, a Colorado-based nonprofit organization providing queer-informed counseling services, educational training and community programming.

“When we explore dating different genders the danger is people can get tokenized,” Thomas says,

“And then that could become further harmful when the person doesn’t have a good framework for how to validate another person’s gender, body, sexual identity and more.”

Thomas points out if a person isn’t sure what gender they’re attracted to, it may not be the best time to experiment with other people.

“It comes from that person unlocking things in themselves first,” Thomas said.

Get rid of misconceptions in you and others

One of the most common misunderstandings Thomas sees in counseling queer individuals and their families is that biological sex, gender and sexual orientation are all the same part of a person’s identity. In reality, the notions of gender, sex and attraction are much more nuanced, and often act independently of each other.

For example, Thomas said many people assume a transgender man would identify as heterosexual.

“The parent who’s saying something in their head like, ‘Gosh, I can’t imagine my child as a trans boy, they’ve always been attracted to boys,'” Thomas said.

“We try to help people understand that these things aren’t determined by each other.”

Thomas says the first step in dating new genders is to do some self-searching, and find out how you may identify, and how your biology, gender, and sexuality relate. When we understand how we’re oriented in the world, we can better understand how other people are.

Find inclusive resources and communities

No matter who we date, getting out there and meeting potential partners is a challenge. For folks who are just starting to date all genders, the usual resources for meeting people can be overwhelming.

Jake Arnold came out of the closet in December 2018, his senior year of college.

“I decided to download Grindr because I figure that’s where I’d meet people,” Arnold said.

“I was immediately bombarded with d*** pics and messages of people wanting to hook up. It was overwhelming.”

Arnold took a step back from Grindr and decided to research other dating platforms that were queer-friendly. He joined OkCupid, an app long hailed as an inclusive dating service, and felt less pressured. He eventually met his boyfriend on the site.

Arnold now volunteers with his local pride organization to provide a safe, pressure-free space for queer people — a space he felt he missed.

“I know how scary it is to come out and start looking,” Arnold said. “I want to be there for those people who are scared and say ‘I know what you’ve been through, I know how crazy gay dating can get, here’s what I did.”

Dating services and resources tailored to include queer people are becoming more common, Thomas said. At the end of the day, it’s important to realize that one’s sexual journey is just that — a journey.

Most of the time, we never arrive exactly where we thought we would, and the journey itself is something to celebrate.

“No one is a polished finished product,” Thomas said. “Trying something is messy. But to be able to do this with as much grace and integrity as possible is really great.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Case for Being Upfront About Your Sexuality On the First Date

If you don’t exclusively date one gender, it can be tricky to know when it’s time to come out to a new potential partner. Here, tips for doing it, and why you might want to sooner rather than later.

By Gabrielle Kassel

It was the end of the first date. So far, things had been going well. We’d touched on dating histories, confirmed our compatible relationship orientations (both monogamous), discussed our individual vices, bonded over a shared love of yoga and CrossFit, and giddily shared photos of our furbabies. I was definitely connecting with this man — we’ll call him Derek — but there was still one major thing we hadn’t yet talked about: My bisexuality.

My previous partner had pretended that my dating resume didn’t feature folks of various genders, and our silence about it contributed to me not feeling queer enough. I wanted to avoid that dynamic again, so on date number one with Derek, I said it plainly.

“It’s really important to me that you understand that I am bisexual and that I will still be bisexual if we date.”

Like the rockstar he is, Derek responded, “Of course, being with me isn’t going to change your sexual orientation.” He and I went on to date for nearly a year. While we’ve since broken up (due to mismatched long-term goals), I strongly believe that sharing my sexuality with him from the beginning is part of why I felt so loved and seen when we were dating.

Because of that, I’ve since made it a rule to come out as bisexual on the first date (and sometimes, even earlier). And guess what? Experts agree. Both psychotherapist and marriage and relationship expert Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T. and licensed professional counselor Maggie McCleary, L.G.P.C., who specializes in queer-inclusive services, say that coming out to a potential partner sooner rather than later is a good move — so long as you feel safe doing so.

Read on to learn the benefits of coming out to a new potential partner ASAP. Plus, tips for how to handle it, whether you’re bisexual, pansexual, asexual, or any other part of the queer rainbow.

The Benefit of Coming Out On a First Date

“Sharing your sexuality allows your potential partner to get the fullest picture of you as early as possible,” says McCleary. “And for a relationship to be healthy, you want to be able to be your full self,” they say.

Coming out also allows you to see if the person will be accepting of your sexuality. If you come out to your date and they don’t respond well or you get a sense that they won’t, “that’s a sign that they aren’t someone who isn’t going to accept all of you,” says McCleary. And in an ideal, healthy relationship you want (and need!) that acceptance.

Note: “If they don’t respond well and that’s not a deal-breaker for you, then there might be other things you need assess internally,” considering that signals you’re willingly entering into a potentially unhealthy relationship, says McCleary. (For that, a queer-inclusive mental health professional may be helpful. You can find one on Psychology Today.)

Coming out right away also saves you from the anxiety of *not* being out to somebody you’re going to continue dating. “The longer you avoid sharing your sexuality with them, the more anxious you can become about how they’re going to respond,” explains McCleary.

Considering anxiety is often accompanied by emotional symptoms such as feelings of sadness, panic, or fear, and even physical symptoms, that’s — understatement alert — no good. (See More: What Anxiety Disorder Is—And What It Isn’t ?)

What If I Don’t Feel Safe Coming Out — Or They Respond Poorly?

First things first, remember that you never need to come out! “You never owe coming out to anyone — and you especially don’t owe it to someone you’re on a first date with,” says Wright.

So if you don’t want to tell them, don’t. Or if your gut is telling you this person *isn’t* accepting, don’t. In fact, in the latter case, McCleary says you absolutely have permission to leave the date right smack dab in the middle.

You might say:

  • “What you just said is a dealbreaker for me, so I’m going to respectfully remove myself from this situation.”
  • “It’s a rule for me not to date transphobes and what you just said is transphobic, so I’m going to call off the rest of this date.”
  • “That comment doesn’t sit well in my gut, so I’m going to excuse myself.”

Can you stick the date out until the end and then send a similarly-worded text when you get home? Sure. “Your safety has to be your number one priority, but there’s no wrong way to prioritize your safety, so long as you do,” says Wright.

What If They’re Accepting…But Don’t Know Much About Being LGBTQ+?

If the person you’re on a date with isn’t familiar with what it means to be LGBTQ+, whether you continue to date them is really personal decision. It ultimately it comes down to two main things.

First, how much emotional labor do you want to put into educating this person about your identities? If, for example, you’re you’re still exploring your own bisexuality, learning about bisexuality with your new boo could be a fun bonding activity. But, if you’ve been a bisexual activist for decades or teach about LGBTQ+ history for work, you may have less interest in taking on an educational role in your relationship.

Second, how important is it to you that the people you’re dating be both accepting of and knowledgeable about your queerness? “If you’re incredibly involved in your local LGBTQ community, it may be much more important to you to date someone who understands bisexuality than someone who’s bisexuality hasn’t played as big a role in their social circles or life,” says Wright.

How to Come Out On the First Date (or Even Before That)

These tips prove that coming out doesn’t have to be as daunting as it sounds.

1. Put it in your dating profiles.

With social distancing orders still in place, the opportunities to meet folks at the bar or gym have dwindled. So if you’re meeting new potential lovers, odds are high it’s happening on apps. In that case, McCleary recommends putting your sexuality right in your profile.

These days, most dating apps (Tinder, Feeld, OKCupid, etc.) make it easy, allowing you to choose from a wide variety of gender and sexuality markers that’ll appear right in your profile. Tinder, for instance, allows daters to select up to three terms that best describe their sexual orientation, including straight, gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, demisexual, pansexual, queer, and questioning.

“You can also signal more subtly with the rainbow 🌈, rainbow flag emojis 🏳️‍🌈, or hearts the color of the bisexual pride flag 💗💜💙,” says McCleary.

If you’re currently exploring your sexuality and haven’t yet settled on a label (or many), you can write as much in your profile, notes Wright. For example:

  • “Exploring my sexuality and looking for friends and lovers who want to come along on the journey.”
  • “Recently came out as not straight and here to explore what that means to me.”
  • “Homophobes, misogynists, racists, and biphobes please do this fluid babe a favor and swipe left.”

“Displaying your sexuality right from the get-go will alleviate any of the pressure or anxiety you have around needing to come out on the first date,” says McCleary. If they swipe right, they already know your sexuality because it was right there in your profile. Plus, it acts as some kind of asshole filter, keeping you from matching with folks who won’t accept you.

2. Share your socials.

Are you out on social media — meaning you frequently talk about your sexuality when you post on social? If so, Wright recommends sharing your social media handles ahead of meeting up in person. (You can also consider doing a quick video chat first date to judge this and your general chemistry as well.)

“Obviously, an online persona is only a small portion of who I am as a person, but I’m active on Instagram so sharing my handle is a great way for someone to learn that I’m bisexual, queer and polyamorous… while also getting a feel of my overall energy,” explains Wright.

3. Slip it in casually.

Did your recent match ask you if you’ve seen any good movies recently? Did they ask you what you’re reading? Answer them honestly, but nod to your sexuality while you do so.

For example: “I’m queer, so I’m a big fan of queer documentaries and I just watched Disclosure,” or, “since I came out as bisexual, I’ve been reading bi memoirs nonstop. I just finished Tomboyland by Melissa Faliveno.”

The benefit of this approach is that it keeps your sexuality from feeling like this big confession, says McCleary. “It shifts the ‘coming out’ process from something serious to a passing topic,” the same way you’d discuss another part of your identity, such as where you grew up.

4. Spit it out!

Don’t let your desire to be smooth keep you from dishing your truth. “Honestly, someone who’s actually worth dating isn’t going to care how you tell them that you’re bi or queer,” says Wright.

These examples prove that clunky can be just as effective as smooth:

  • “I don’t know how to bring this up but I just wanted to let you know that I’m bi.”
  • “This is totally unrelated to what we’re talking about but I liked to tell the people I’m going on dates with that I’m bi. So, here I am telling you!.”
  • “This date was great! But before we make future plans, I just want to let you know that I’m bisexual.”

5. Ask a leading question.

“If you can get a general gauge on this person’s views or politics, you’ll probably get a good sense of whether or not they’ll be accepting of the marginalized (sexual or gender) identities that you claim,” says McCleary.

You might ask, for example: “Which BLM marches or events have you attended this month?” or “What did you think of the latest presidential debate?” or “Where do you get your morning news?”

From all this info, you can slowly piece together whether the person you’re chatting with is waving red flags or rainbow flags — and decide for yourself whether you want to keep them around.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is your sex life in a lockdown rut?

How to spice things up and feel empowered in the bedroom again (whether you’re single or in a relationship)


By Bianca London

Whether you’re single or in a relationship, lockdown has been a bizarre old time for everyone’s sex life. If you’re sex life is better than ever, we’re happy for you, but for the rest of the nation, either you’re living with a partner and really CBA to keep the magic alive or you’re single and struggling to indulge in sex because, well, lockdown.

With vast times apart or too much time together (!), this year has had a knock-on effect on the sex lives of the nation, according to research.

Brook, the sexual health charity, has partnered with intimate health brand, Canesten, to explore some of the themes that are impacting the sex lives of young people in the UK. According to their new research, almost half (49%) of young women felt that their body confidence has been knocked in the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, which was leading to a negative impact on their sex lives.

To get the lowdown on how lockdown has left the nation’s sex lives in a rut – plus to garner some tips on fixing the issue – we spoke to a range of experts – from Confidence Expert Jo Painter to Psychosexual Therapist Kate Moyle, and Brook Education and Wellbeing Expert Amber Newman-Clark.

Low Desire & Libido

One of the biggest impacts of isolation is low desire, which can put an instant blocker on our libido. As Psychosexual Therapist Kate Moyle explains: “The recent pandemic and lockdown has presented a problem for lots of people in that one of the most common presentations for therapy is the description of low desire, or low libido. What we now know is that female sexual desire is largely responsive and for many people being in lockdown has possibly taken away opportunities in which for these responsive desire opportunities to occur.”

This theme isn’t exclusive to those who physically don’t have the opportunity; couples have been impacted too. As Kate continues: “For couples locked down together, a lack of distance and difference stifles desire, which thrives on novelty, excitement and anticipation.” We hear ya.

Kate maintains that being able to talk to our partners about what is going on, what we like and being able to explore together, is a quick-fix for this issue. “We are not mind readers and there is no way we can see into each other’s heads unless we invite them in by telling them. Communication is key to sexual wellbeing and sexual wellness,: she said.

Virtual Comparison Culture

We spent a lot of time online before the pandemic, but ultimately this has increased exponentially continuing to impact our sex lives, as Kate continues: “We now spend so much of our lives online, and are able to see so much of the lives of others through social media. The vulva is most commonly seen in pornography rather than on mainstream television. This can cause women to lack vulva confidence, and stop them loving themselves just as they are. It’s human nature to compare ourselves against others and the challenge when it comes to vulvas in this instance is that so often, we are left with the feeling that how we look is ‘not normal’.

Yet, there is NO normal and if you can bust this, you’re on your way to being sexually confident: “Reinforce the idea that there is no such thing as normal. Try to break away from the stylised images and representations and look at something more realistic like ‘The Labia Library’ or Laura Dodsworth’s book ‘Womanhood, and The Great Wall of Vagina’.”

Vulval Vulnerability

The decline in body and vulval confidence during the pandemic, can make us feel less inclined to be vulnerable with our vulvas, as Kate tells us: “To be sexual with someone is to be vulnerable. Bodies are a range of shapes, colours, sizes, they have different smells and they make noises – that is normal, but so often we fear what may happen when they do.”

We’ll give ourselves positive affirmations when it comes to feeling low generally, but what about extending this to your vagina?

“It might sound cheesy but the way that you talk to yourself matters and is very important. Especially at the moment when we have all been living in a time of high stress and uncertainty. Offer yourself a set of affirmations every morning to get your day started and include your vulva in that. For example, my body is unique. My body is designed to experience pleasure. My vulva and vagina are a part of me”.

Vulval Familiarity

How well do you think you know your vulva? Part of the discomfort and vulnerability we feel around our vulvas is that we just don’t know them well enough, as Kate tells us: “The anxiety that someone might feel about being naked in front of a partner or their partner seeing their vulva can completely inhibit a sexual experience. It stops them from fully being in the moment and experiencing pleasure as they are distracted by negative thoughts. This is because we only have enough available attention at any one time, and so if we are in our heads, we can’t also be fully in our bodies.”

However, there are ways you can overcome this as Kate continues – and lockdown could be the perfect time for a little sexual exploration:

“Get to know your body more. When you are in the bath, shower or just lying in bed at night, familiarise yourself with your body. Just hold your hands on your vulva, and explore it; not necessarily with the focus of it being sexual, pleasurable (which it may well be), or orgasm but just to get to know your body better.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to practice tantric sex

— a slow, meditative form of intimacy that can improve relationships

By Sarah Fielding

  • Tantric sex is a slow, meditative form of intimacy that’s focused on strengthening the bond between you and a partner. 
  • To practice tantric sex, slow down the pace, focus on your breath, and engage all five senses. 
  • Have you ever wanted to slow things down in the bedroom and gain a more intimate connection with a partner? If so, you may want to consider tantric sex — a form of intimacy focused on strengthening the ties between you and your partner. Here’s how to practice tantric sex and tips to integrate the practice into your sex life.

    What is tantric sex?

    Tantric sex is a slowed-down version of sex designed to enhance intimacy. It stems from the Sanskrit word tantra, which means woven together, and is rooted in Hindu and Buddhist teachings.

    In tantric sex, the goal is not about reaching orgasm quickly (if at all) or about feeling incredible physical pleasure. Instead, tantric sex focuses on creating a genuine mindful connection within yourself and then between you and your partner.

    “You feel as if you’re merging together or, rather, that the things that separate you are illusions of the material world,” says Stefani Goerlich, a licensed master social worker and sex therapist. “The result of tantric practice is the creation of close bonds with one’s partner, greater awareness of one’s body, and the development of skills such as mindfulness, restraint, and communication.”

     Another benefit of tantric sex is its ability to ease anxiety. Traditionally, intimacy can cause performance anxiety around premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, and the worry about ensuring orgasm.

    “That pressure… takes you from being in the moment and in your body, to being in your head,” says Kamil Lewis, a sex and relationship therapist in Southern California.

    Tantric sex removes those anxieties. “When [you] are able to redirect [your] focus towards experiencing the sensations of simply being present and connected together, [you] are able to enjoy sex without anxiety or fear,” says Goerlich.

    How to prepare for tantric sex

    1. Learn about its history

    As with any practice rooted in a specific culture, taking the time to understand its history shows respect for its origin and allows you to embrace it with a fuller understanding.

    “We cannot take on the spiritual and religious practices of other cultures without taking the time to honor the origins and understand what we’re doing,” says Goerlich. A great place to start could be this cultural and historical overview of tantra.

    2. Practice mindfulness

    To prepare for tantric sex, Lewis recommends doing a mindfulness practice to connect with your body, become aware of senses, and slow down — all integral aspects of tantric sex.

    This can be done through yoga, meditation, or intentionally focusing on sensations and movements throughout the day.

    3. Create a safe environment

    If trying tantric sex, create a safe environment where you and a partner feel free to connect with yourselves and each other.

    “Somewhere where you can feel uninhibited by distractions, and somewhere that you don’t feel self-conscious about sounds you may make,” says Lewis. “Moaning, grunting, and vocalizing are encouraged with tantric sex, so consider a time when roommates, parents, or children aren’t home.”

    Lewis also suggests incorporating calming sensual elements into the space, such as lit candles and essential oils.

    How to practice tantric sex

    1. Focus on breath

    Focusing on breath is an essential component of tantric sex, as it allows for deeper connection.  Partners are encouraged to synchronize their breaths, so it almost becomes one movement, says Molly Papp, LMFT, sexologist, a certified sex addiction therapist, and owner of Bella Vida Therapy.

    As with most mindfulness practices, the breath also grounds you in the present moment. Try paying attention to a part of your body where you feel the breath, like the belly or chest, and refocus your attention to this part.

    2. Gaze into each other’s eyes

    Spend time gazing into a partner’s eyes. While continual eye contact isn’t necessary for tantric sex, Papp highly recommends it occur often to help build an intimate connection. Eye gazing is another way of synchronizing to each other’s energy. To gaze deeper, try focusing on having your right eye connect with their right eye.

    3. Slow down

    Tantric sex is not a race to an orgasmic finish line, but a chance to slow down and explore each other’s bodies. It can last until you reach orgasm, feel connected, or are emotionally satisfied.

    This attitude change relieves a lot of typically felt anxiety. “It is especially great for women because of its focus on slowing things down and waiting for arousal to build,” says Papp. “In an age where we are flooded with unrealistic pressure to feel orgasmic pleasure within minutes, this is freeing for many women.”

    Papp suggests having lube, oils, or lotion nearby to ensure slow movements aren’t painful.

    4. Engage all five senses

    The only “goal” of tantric sex is remaining present and being aware of sensations in the body. To do this, Lewis suggests paying attention to all five of your senses, not just touch.

    “Notice how your partner smells, what the curves of their bodies look like, what tastes you pick up in your mouth as you kiss, what it sounds like when they or you moan,” Lewis says. “These are all great ways to become grounded in your body and present in the moment.”

    5. Incorporate massage 

    Sex does not need to be penetrative. “Kissing, touching, holding, rubbing, and more can all lead to a full tantric sexual experience, no penetration necessary,” says Lewis.

    Even if you want to incorporate penetrative sex, Goerlich says there’s no reason to rush into it. Start by focusing on markers that keep you present and connected, like massaging or cuddling.

    “Prolong this sensory exploration and carry it over into your penetrative sex — if indeed you have penetrative sex,” says Goerlich.

    In fact, focusing on other forms of intimacy can help keep anxiety levels down. “Something more sensual rather than sexual could help calm one or both partners,” says Papp. “A cuddle session or massage would help relieve that anxiety and ease the experience.”

    Takeaways

    Tantric sex slows down an intimate experience and emphasizes the connection between you and a partner. The practice involves focusing on the breath, staying present, and creating a safe environment to explore sensual intimacy.

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34 erogenous zones and how to stimulate them

We get you acquainted with these subtle and not-so-suble pleasure points.

by Rosie Saunders

Put simply, erogenous zones are extra-sensitive areas of the human body that generate a sexual response when stimulated.

They’re located all over, from your eyelids to your ankles. Though sexual in nature, your body’s response might not necessarily be an out-and-out orgasm – it could be subtle arousal or even deep relaxation.

To get you acquainted with these subtle and not-so-suble pleasure points, we asked Mia Sabat, sex therapist at sexual wellbeing audio app Emjoy, and Marlena Segar, sex and relationships educator and community manager for the Healthy Pleasure Group, to share their tips for locating and stimulating 36 erogenous zones:

36 erogenous zones you should know

‘We’ve likely all experienced the feeling where someone has touched a part of your body in just the right way, and it’s felt so good that it may have sent a shiver down your spine,’ says Segar. ‘That would be an erogenous zone. An area of the body, that when stimulated sends signals to the brain that translate as pleasurable sensations.’

‘Everyone’s erogenous zones are slightly different, both in location and sensory response.’

The sensitivity varies from individual to individual, according to the concentrations of specific nerve endings in that particular area. ‘Everyone’s erogenous zones are slightly different, both in location and sensory response,’ she continues. ‘They’re also context-specific. Exploring both where on your body you want to be touched, and how you want to be touched is the only way to discover what you enjoy.’

Here, we’ve picked out 32 erogenous zones – from the obvious to the overlooked – with advice on how to approach them. Numbers 1-20 are shared spots; 21-28 are specific to women and people with vaginas; while 29-34 refer to men and people with penises.

1. Scalp

The scalp is full of nerve endings, and is especially sensitive just behind the ears and on the nape of the neck. ‘Start by gently stroking or running your fingers through your partner’s hair, always starting at the roots and maintaining a consistent motion and pressure to simulate the scalp directly,’ says Sabat.

2. Earlobes

The earlobes are made up of thin skin, which typically means increased sensitivity. ‘Some enjoy a gentle kiss or nibble on the earlobe, while others might prefer more intense sensations, such as sucking, pinching, biting or pulling,’ says Sabat.

3. Armpits

It might be a little ticklish, but your armpits are chock-full of nerve endings. ‘Caressing, kissing and even licking this area can be equal parts playful and erotic,’ says Sabat. ‘Approach the area with a gentle-but-firm touch, using circular motions and long strokes for maximum pleasure.’

4. Inner arms

This area lends itself to increased sensitivity thanks to the thin, soft skin that makes up the area. ‘Stroking the region, starting just inside the inner shoulder, and moving gently down to the inner elbow can be overwhelmingly pleasurable,’ says Sabat.

5. Small of the back

The intersection of the spine and pelvis, known as the sacrum, is a highly sensitive spot. ‘Treat your partner to a gentle massage, or engage with temperature and sensory play with objects like ice, feathers, warming oils, and silk to elicit an incredible response,’ says Sabat.

6. Lower stomach

The lower stomach is filled with nerve endings that become more and more concentrated towards the genital area, ‘so it’s a great place to show affection and attention,’ says Sabat. ‘You can tease and stimulate this area with a very wide variety of techniques including kissing, gentle biting, and temperature play.’

7. Inner wrist

It mightn’t be the first spot that comes to mind when you think of erogenous zones, but the inner wrist is incredibly sensitive, says Sabat. ‘Feeling your partner’s heart rate increase as you caress this area will turn you on, too,’ she explains. ‘Stroking or kissing this area, especially in public, is a great way to signal that you’re feeling sensual.’

8. Palms and fingertips

Your hands are full of nerve endings – in fact, they’re one of the most sensitive areas of your body. ‘Take your partner’s palm in your hand and gently trace along the edges and lines of their palm with your fingertips,’ Sabat suggests, before kissing or tightly sucking their fingertips.

9. Behind the knee

In a way that’s similar to the inner wrist and arm, caressing and kissing the skin behind the knee can be incredibly erotic thanks to the thin, nerve-packed skin, says Sabat. ‘Gently run your fingers over this area, or engage with it during penetrative sex by touching, stroking or applying pressure,’ she says.

10. Bottoms of feet

Yep, you guessed it – your feet are full of nerve endings, too. ‘Stimulate pressure points through massage, focusing on the arch and pad of the foot as these spots help increase blood flow and promote arousal, before working your way up to kissing and caressing the area with your lips,’ says Sabat.

12. In-between toes

This area is best stimulated through massage, says Sabat, and massage oils can make this experience even better. ‘I recommend a gentle but firm pressure, using your hands to massage each toe individually, focusing on the sides of the toes to engage with the most sensitive points,’ she says.

13. Inside of ankle

It’s unlikely to be an area you’ve thought about before, but the inside of your ankle is an under-stimulated spot that’s sensitive to touch. ‘Focus on stroking either side of the Achilles tendon – more of a caress than a massage, as the area is quite sensitive,’ says Sabat. ‘If your partner likes the sensation, kissing the area can also be highly erotic.’

14. The brain

An underrated sensory spot. Stimulate the brain and the body will follow. ‘Engage with alternative forms of pornography, like audio erotica, that immerse your mind in an experience, or craft your own sexy fantasy,’ says Sabat. ‘Make it a habit to engage with your mind first in intimate moments.’

15. Anus

This less-explored region is packed with nerve endings. ‘Start by playing with the buttocks,’ says Sabat. ‘Stroke the entire area and place your hands on the folds where the legs and buttocks meet, then slide your fingers along the fold, from the inner thigh to the outer area, before caressing the outside of the anus.’

16. Areola and nipples

The nipples are very sensitive because of their thin, highly responsive skin. ‘Many like this region to be stimulated with strokes, licks, kisses and gentle nibbles, but they’re also responsive to sensory play, so don’t be afraid to break out the vibrator, ice cubes, silk, or feathers,’ says Sabat. ‘However, be careful with overly-warm sensory products to avoid discomfort, and note that their sensitivity can change daily.’

17. Mouth and lips

Your lips are packed with more nerve endings than your fingertips, says Sabat, but with much thinner and more sensitive skin. ‘Trace the outline of your partner’s lips with your finger before using your teeth to gently pull on their bottom lip, engaging in an intense kiss,’ she suggests.

18. Neck

A key erogenous zone, your neck is also incredibly sensitive and highly responsive to stimulation. ‘Place your hands on either side of your partner’s neck while kissing them, or stroke the back of their neck lightly with your fingertips to send shivers down their whole body,’ says Sabat. ‘Kissing and licking this area can also be highly pleasurable – start at the base of your partner’s ear and kiss or lick down to their collar bone.’

19. Inner thighs

The skin on your inner thighs is delicate, warm, and full of nerves, says Sabat, so show this spot some attention, especially when leading up to oral sex. ‘Caress, kiss, lick, and even dig your fingers into this area gently to give your partner a range of sensations – being sure to caress the whole area, from inner knee, to upper-inner thigh,’ she says.

20. Groin

Given its close proximity to the genitals, teasing the groin – the area that connects your abdomen to your lower body and legs – can be electrifying. ‘Packed with nerve endings, it’s an exciting spot to kiss and caress when exploring your partner’s body,’ says Sabat. ‘Tease them further by running your fingers over their underwear before slowly moving in to touch their skin.’

Erogenous zones for women

21. Breasts

Massaging, caressing, kissing and licking the breasts indirectly stimulates the nipples, triggering the same area of the brain as the genitals, says Segar. ‘Starting with the breast rather than going straight for the nipple can help build arousal by drawing out the stimulation,’ she says.

22. Pubic mound

Also known as the mons pubis, this area is the fleshy part just above the clitoris. ‘It’s the perfect area to indirectly stimulate the clitoris and encourage blood flow to the genitals,’ says Segar. ‘Try massaging in circular motions and experiment with light and firm pressure.’

23. Clitoris

The clitoris is packed with more than 8,000 nerve endings, and is the only human organ designed entirely for pleasure, says Segar. ‘The most sensitive part of the clitoris is the glans – located at the top of the vulva above the urethral opening, usually covered by the clitoral hood,’ she says. ‘Slow circles tracing around the glans or running your fingers either side is an effective way to gently stimulate the clitoris.’

24. Labia minora

Also known as the inner lips, the labia minora contain numerous nerve endings that can be extremely pleasurable to touch, says Segar. ‘Gently run your index and middle finger along both the inside and outside of the lips,’ she suggests.

25. A-spot

While the exact location will vary slightly from person to person, the A-spot can be found around four to six inches above the entrance to the vagina, on the front wall. If your fingers aren’t long enough to reach this pot, use a toy – especially one with a curved tip – to stimulate it, Segar suggests.

26. G-spot

This erogenous zone is sometimes capable of inducing female ejaculation. ‘You can reach the G-spot by placing one or two fingers inside the vagina about two inches up, using a beckoning or ‘come hither’ motion against the front wall,’ says Segar. ‘The texture often feels a bit rougher than the surrounding area, which is usually a lot smoother.’

27. C-spot

The cervix sits at the deepest point of the vagina, so stimulating this area will often require a toy to reach, says Segar. You can also reach the C-spot during penetrative sex, especially in the woman-on-top position. While not everyone enjoys deep penetration, she adds, this position puts the receiver in charge of the movements.

28. V-spot

Often overlooked, the V-spot refers to the opening of the vagina, which is packed with nerve endings. ‘Using a toy, a finger, or the head of a penis, slowly circle around the vaginal opening,’ she says. ‘You can also experiment with very shallow penetration – only going in an inch or so – to enhance the sensation.’

Erogenous zones for men

29. Glans

The glans – also called the head or tip – is the most sensitive part of the penis. ‘Using lube, run your fingers and thumb from the urethral opening down the head, spreading your hand open as you do, until your palm touches the head,’ says Segar. ‘Bring them slowly back up and repeat. Start with light pressure that you can increase as preferred.’

30. Frenulum

This is the elastic band of tissue on the underside of the glans, and looks similar to the frenulum that connects your tongue to the bottom of your mouth. ‘This tiny area is extremely sensitive to touch,’ says Segar. ‘Running your thumb up and down the frenulum can be extremely pleasurable, though be cautious not to overstimulate.’

31. Foreskin

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the foreskin is packed with nerve endings. ‘As the foreskin retracts when the penis is erect, using a hand to move it up and down the glans can be an extremely enjoyable sensation,’ says Segar. ‘For circumcised people, there are toys that can mimic the feeling of the foreskin as well as adding enhanced sensation.’

32. Scrotum and testicles

This is one of the most sensitive areas of the body, so go carefully. ‘Start with some gentle cupping and light strokes or kiss and lick them,’ says Segar. ‘You can experiment with increasing the pressure and type of stimulation, such as tugging or squeezing, but this is definitely not for everyone.’

33. Perineum

This is the area of skin that stretches from the scrotum to the anal opening. ‘Running your fingers up and down this area, particularly when you are close to orgasm, can increase the intensity of your climax,’ says Segarr. ‘It is also possible to indirectly stimulate the prostate by playing with this area.’

34. P-spot

Located inside the anus, the prostate can be a source of immense pleasure. ‘Using lots of lube, gently trace a finger around the anal opening to relax the muscles,’ says Segar. ‘When you feel ready, slip a finger inside and gently move it approximately two inches upwards and use a ‘come hither’ coaxing motion. If you’re struggling to reach, anal beads or a butt plug can be a really fun addition – just make sure your toy has a flared base.’

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Sexual Aftercare Isn’t Just a BDSM Thing

—Here’s Why Everyone Should Try It

By Mary Grace Garis

If you’ve ever experienced postcoital dysphoria (or felt the post-sex blues)—an hour, day, or even three days after an encounter—it might be because you’re not practicing appropriate aftercare. For the uninitiated, aftercare is a concept that originated in the BDSM community, and it generally refers to the things you do to make sure everyone is okay and taken care of after sex play. (BDSM, which can include bondage, sadism, and/or submission, sometimes involves paddles. When it does, participants might need a little TLC afterward.) But there’s a scientific reason to consider aftercare for all types of sexual encounters: It helps to prevent you from completely crashing after a feel-good chemical rush.

“During sex, chemicals like oxytocin, dopamine, and prolactin are released,” says sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW. Aftercare may help to regulate how your body responds as those chemicals dissipate. In this way, aftercare after sex can be helpful for maintaining a feeling of closeness in a relationship—because intimacy, vulnerability, and connection shouldn’t end with orgasm, says sexologist Chris Donaghue, PhD, an intimacy expert for the sexual wellness company Skyn.

“A healthy sexual model is pleasure-based and acknowledges that post-sex aftercare is a way to continue that pleasure and intimacy.” —sexologist Chris Donaghue, PhD

Essentially, how partners respond after sex can affect whether or not people feel safe and comfortable or rejected. “Our culture uses a performance model for sex: It’s treated as though there is a goal, one right way to achieve it, and anything else is a failure,” say Dr. Donaghue. “A healthy sexual model is pleasure-based and acknowledges that post-sex aftercare is a way to continue that pleasure and intimacy. Anything less is a severe and spontaneous disconnection from the sexual connection just achieved.”

How to practice aftercare after sex of any kind:

Before practicing any kind of aftercare, remember that consent is a paramount prerequisite. To attain consent, ask how your partner likes to be approached after sex. “Some people like a lot of closeness and snuggles, other people require lots of space and grounding, and some like both in no particular order,” says sexologist Caitlin V. Neal, MPH.

Other ideas for practicing aftercare after sex? Cuddling is a big one, as is pillow talk, getting a cup of tea, or ordering pizza—basically whatever makes you smile. “One of the best aftercare strategies I have heard of involved having warm towels next to the bed for a full-body wipe down and cookies baking in the oven that are delivered to your lover in bed,” says Neal. “For you, aftercare could mean a steamy scrub down in the shower, meditation, heaping praise upon each other, or reviewing the video footage. There’s no wrong way to practice aftercare, and there’s no upper limit to how much pleasure it can create.”

And the practice isn’t just for madly-in-love, long-term couples who live together. Everybody from casual partners just hooking up and those practicing solo sex to people in long-distance relationships can practice aftercare after sex. “Those who are unpartnered or who are in long-distance relationships can create space for aftercare by using weighted blankets after sexual intimacy or cuddling with clothing or other objects that belong to your partner,” Howard says.

What’s key to remember, though, is that what you do after sex can really change your relationship—and/or your relationship with pleasure—for the better.  “After care doesn’t need to be a mystery, or even a challenge,” Neal says. “With a little planning in advance, it can be as meaningful and pleasurable as intercourse itself.”

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Why you need to prioritise your own orgasm

– and it’s not only because they feel amazing

Sadly, no one else will do it for you.

by Faye M Smith

Can’t remember the last time you had an orgasm? For most women, they last just 10.9 seconds. And, while that may seem rather quick, orgasms can do more than just make you feel good in that short space of time. So you could be missing out on vital health benefits!

If you need help to prioritise your own orgasm, then trying one of the best vibrators could be for you. More than a quarter of British women claim they are “more likely” to orgasm if they use one, found sexual wellness brand Lovehoney.

So, why should you prioritise your own orgasm? Well, not only do the endorphins released during arousal help ease pain, but a study in Israel found that women who had two orgasms per week were 30% less likely to have heart disease. Plus, American research found that menopausal women who had an orgasm every week had oestrogen levels twice as high as those who didn’t, which is essential for protecting bones.

But, with the average woman taking 13 minutes and 25 seconds to climax, according to the Kadave Institute of Medical Sciences, many women don’t feel they have time to fit more sex or masturbation into their already busy lives. “Too many women are afraid to address this fundamental issue and enjoy the sex they deserve,” says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert with Lovehoney.

This is why you need to prioritise your own orgasm. Ready? Here’s how to make sure you have an orgasm every time…

Learn to de-stress and prioritise your own orgasm

Pressures with work or family will directly affect when (or if) you reach climax. “The biggest psychological barrier to orgasm is stress – it’s essentially a sexual poison,” says Annabelle.

Timing is key, so choose a time to have sex or masturbate when you’re not rushing around. Plus, remember to breathe deeply throughout; it will help you block out distractions. A belter of an orgasm is achievable – you just need to relax.

Tightening your pelvic floor can help you orgasm

A weakened pelvic floor can cause a loss in sensation, yet a third of women are too embarrassed to bring the topic up with their GP, found a survey by wellness charity Jo’s Cervical Trust.

“Learning to control your pelvic floor can help you climax,” says Annabelle. Tone up by doing 100-200 pelvic floor contractions daily. Never done them before? Imagine you are stopping a fart, then a wee, then draw these two feelings in together.

Changing positions can help you prioritise your own orgasm

Is your sex life predictable? If it’s the same position every Tuesday after EastEnders, then, sadly, it is. Mixing things up could make accessing your G-spot easier. Need inspiration? Then have sex somewhere different, such as outside or in the shower.

“Trying new positions is important for increasing your orgasm potential, as is remembering that 70% of women need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm,” says Annabelle. “Some positions are better for this than others, such as missionary. Make sure that you and your partner move in a circular motion, rather than thrust, as this maximises stimulation.”

Faking an orgasm is a waste of time when it comes to your pleasure

Faking your orgasms because you don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings? “It’s one of the most damaging things a person can do to their own sexual happiness,” warns Annabelle.

“If your partner’s doing something good in bed, tell them. If they’re not, remind them of a time you experienced pleasure and express a desire to repeat this. Reading erotic fiction together can help, as it includes scenarios you could both explore. This also removes sexual responsibility and eliminates any blame your partner might feel if you were to talk directly to them about something you don’t like.”

Eating right can help you prioritise your orgasm

Feeling hungry? Oysters, chocolate, peppers, eggs and spinach can improve your chances of reaching orgasm. “Aphrodisiacs create a sense of heightened sexual state – sometimes just thinking about an aphrodisiac may work as one,” says Annabelle.

“They can also work by producing chemicals linked to sexual desire and increase blood flow, meaning our genitals have access to a ready supply of blood, which makes them engorged and leads to sexual arousal.”

Knowing that you deserve an orgasm will help you have one

“Women have had a rough deal when it comes to sexual pleasure and many struggle with issues, such as shame,” says Annabelle. In fact, a survey by sex-toy brand Tenga found that only 14% of British females were taught about pleasure as part of their sexual education.

“At school, anything to do with sex is discussed with the view that it’s for procreation and nothing else,” says Annabelle. “This delivers a damaging message to women that their pleasure is not only unimportant, but also not to be expected.”

Why you should seek help if you struggle to orgasm

Feel your sex-to-orgasm ratio isn’t sufficiently balanced? Don’t be afraid to seek help from a professional. “A woman who doesn’t think she has had an orgasm should see her GP. She’s denying herself one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer,” says Annabelle.

Thankfully, there are simple changes that can solve the situation. “Certain medications and medical conditions can contribute to lack of orgasm,” says Annabelle. “Usually, though, it’s purely down to poor sexual technique and not enough lubrication, which can make foreplay and intercourse painful.”

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How to seduce a man you’ve been with for a long time

It’s easier than you think!

by Faye M Smith

No couple’s sex life stays the same as it was in the early days, but that doesn’t mean it has to fizzle out completely.

Want to spice things up again? It doesn’t have to be hard. The easiest way to seduce a man could be as simple as introducing a sex toy into the bedroom or trying one of the best vibrators to use with your partner.

“Using sex toys can be a great way for a woman to seduce her partner,” says sexual wellness expert Megwyn White, who works with the innovative sex-toy brand Satisfyer. “A toy creates a bridge to new parts of the body. It can also spark a creative connection that allows you both to try out new things.”

But that’s not the only way to seduce a man. There are some other easy tricks to help.

How to seduce a man

“Seduction is about more than pumping out Barry White and wearing stockings – although those things can help,” says Sammi Cole, sex and relationship expert at sexual wellness brand Lovehoney. “To seduce a man, you have to make the thought of sex with you the most appealing thing in the world. And, when you’ve been with someone for a long time, that means reminding them of how much you still desire them. Plus, what it is about you that they fell in love with.”

Want to give it a try? Following these rules could transform you from his significant other to his seductress in seconds.

To seduce a man you need to become a detective

First rule of seduction? In the words of the Spice Girls, you have to know what your partner wants – what they really, really want. Often worry that your partner never opens up enough about how he really feels about things in the bedroom? “Seduction has to do with guiding someone into what they secretly wish they could give themselves,” says Megwyn. “You have to be a bit of a detective to figure out what this is. And then figure out how you can bring their fantasies to life.”

And if your partner is still reluctant to open up? Don’t rush them. When it comes to seducing a man, any type of pressure or pushy behaviour could actually do more harm than good. “It can take patience to seduce someone,” says Megwyn. “Create a space for communication and if what you’re trying doesn’t work, then try it a new way the next time. For instance, you might explore reading erotica together and find something that sparks your interest and decide to play it out.”

Why you need to forget sexy lingerie if you want to seduce a man

When it comes to how to seduce a man, you need to think about awakening all his senses first. “Great sex should be a multisensory experience so awakening all his senses will really help,” says Sammi. “Sure, treat yourself to some lingerie that makes you feel fantastic, but think about all the other senses, too.”

Need some extra inspiration? “You could dab on some new perfume or scented body lotion,” says Sammi. “Plus, go for soft lighting, pick out music that helps to get you both in the mood and swap out your usual bedsheets for something a bit more luxurious. The more senses you can delight, the better!”

Then, when you’ve successfully aroused all his senses so he’s putty in your hands, you need to try taking the stimulus away. “Withholding one of the senses, such as blindfolding a partner so he can’t see, will actually help activate the others,” recommends Megwyn.

Getting out of your comfort zone helps with seduction

Feel like you are stuck in a sex rut? “Being familiar with your partner and their body is both a blessing and a curse,” says Sammi. “It’s sometimes hard to feel like a sex goddess when you’re surrounded by reminders of everyday life, and it’s the same with our partners.” The solution? “Do things outside of your usual comfort zone and do them together,” says Sammi. “Whether it’s as simple as a night away in a different setting, it can be enough to renew the way you see each other.” You could even try just moving sex from the bedroom to the sofa.

And while you are having that one night away? It might be a cliché, but pretending to be something you’re not, such as mysterious strangers, can be a seduction technique worth trying. “Lots of couples find role play an easy way to switch up their sexual routine. It helps you to see each other in different ways and free your inhibitions,” says Sammi. “The great thing about the ‘strangers meeting in a bar’ role-play situation is that it can help to recreate that fizz of excitement from when you first met.” Keen to give it a try? “Determine the story ahead of time and decide how the story will end,” recommends Megwyn.

Talking dirty can really help to seduce a man

“Talking dirty is a great way to spice things up,” says Megwyn. Not sure where to start? Don’t worry, there is an easy trick! Simply think about the way your partner speaks and then copy it. “Consider if there are certain sexy words you’ve heard them say over others,” says Sammi. “Chances are, those are the ones that they’re most comfortable hearing and saying, so that’s a great jumping-off point.”

Feeling timid? Try dirty texting. “Not only does it take away the face-to-face fear, but it gives you time to think about what you want to say or do next,” says Sammi. “You could tell them about an X-rated dream you had about them.”

And while this might sound a bit crazy, if you’re willing to give it a go then naming his genitals can actually help to seduce a man. “Try using a name that your partner prefers their genitals to be called,” says Megwyn. “It allows your partner a sense of ownership over their parts. Plus, it invites you to understand the specific way they want to experience their bodies in the moment.”

Just doing nothing can help with seduction

Not feeling confident in your ability to seduce a man? Don’t worry. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. In fact, not putting on too much pressure can help. “Firstly, relax,” says Sammi. “It’s meant to be you and your partner having fun and, if you’re nervous, you won’t enjoy it as much. Besides, laughter is a great aphrodisiac.”

Then, put down your phone. “One of the sexiest things that you can do is make time for each other,” says Sammi. “When was the last time you paid proper attention to each other, without looking at your phones or other background distractions? Put aside some time, be it an hour, an evening or a weekend, and spend it reconnecting. You’d be surprised what a difference it can make.”

Still not feeling confident? Humming can help. “All women are sexy, but not all women are comfortable in their skin,” says Megwyn. Sounds like you? Try using primal sounds to express your sexuality. “Humming or mmm-ing can act as a bridge to you using your own voice to self-stimulate through the resonance field of the body,” says Meg. “These sounds will naturally be felt in your sexual centre and feel exciting.”

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