Category: Sexual Performance Issues

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Low Sex Drive (Loss of Libido)

By Heather Jones

Libido (also called sex drive) means the overall interest a person has in sexual activity. It is separate from sexual arousal, which is the body’s response to sexual stimuli. A low libido does not always indicate a problem, but it may be related to a medical condition or can cause a person distress, particularly if there has been a drop in libido.

Statistics vary, but up to 20% of men experience low libido sometime in their life. Up to 43% of women experience sexual dysfunction—a problem that occurs during any part of sexual activity, from arousal to orgasm—at some point, including low libido. About 1 in 3 women report having a low sex drive.123

Low libido itself is not considered a condition. If certain criteria are met, however, a woman with low libido may be identified as having female sexual interest/arousal disorder (FSIAD).4

Some references, particularly those published before 2013, refer to low libido as hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). Since then the definitions for low libido and HSDD conditions have changed. In 2013, the official handbook that classifies mental health disorders, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5), combined the two diagnoses and now refers to it as sexual interest/arousal disorder.45

Read on to learn about low libido, when it’s considered a problem, and what can be done about it.

Symptoms of Low Libido

A person with low libido may experience:6

  • Little or no interest in any type of sex, including masturbation
  • Rare, if any, thoughts about sex or sexual fantasies

FSIAD is marked by a lack (or serious reduction) of sexual interest or arousal in women. To meet the criteria for FSIAD, a person must show an absence or reduction in at least three of the following, for at least six months:5

  • Interest in sexual activity
  • Initiation of sexual activity and being unreceptive to a partner’s attempts to initiate
  • Sexual or erotic thoughts and fantasies
  • Sexual interest/arousal in response to sexual or erotic cues
  • Sexual excitement or pleasure during sexual activity
  • Genital or nongenital sensations during sexual activity

The symptoms the person experiences also must cause them clinically significant distress and not be better explained by factors such as a nonsexual mental health disorder, severe relationship distress, or another significant stressor.
<h3″>What Is the Sexual Response Cycle?

A person’s sexual response cycle has four phases:7

  • Sexual desire: A person’s interest in sexual activity
  • Sexual arousal: Excitement/physical response
  • Orgasm (climax): Peak of sexual excitement (when pleasure is highest), and ejaculation occurs
  • Resolution: The body recovers and returns to its usual state

Causes of Low Libido

A number of factors can cause low libido, including that it may be a person’s natural preference. Libido commonly lowers with age for all genders.3

>Most research on low libido focuses on cisgender men or cisgender women. More research is needed to examine low libido in people who do not fall within this narrow gender binary.

Causes of low libido may include:8916235

  • Hormonal changes: Such as reduced sex hormones with aging, with hormonal contraception use, or with antihormone therapy
  • Medical conditions: Such as diabetes, cardiovascular disease, fibroids, underactive thyroid, endometriosis, premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
  • Medications: Including many antidepressants and antipsychotics
  • Psychological distress: Stress, anxiety, exhaustion, problems with body image, etc.
  • Depression: Can cause a loss of interest in things once enjoyed, including sex
  • Relationship problems: Overfamiliarity with partner in long-term relationships, conflict, partner’s lack of interest/functioning in sex, etc.
  • Dissatisfaction or discomfort during sexual activity: Such as erectile dysfunction, problems with ejaculation, vaginismus (involuntary tightening of the muscles around the vagina before penetration), difficulty with orgasm, vaginal dryness, or pain
  • Substance misuse: Excess amounts of alcohol can affect libido, as can drug misuse and/or smoking
  • Life stage or event: Such as menopause, pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, loss of a loved one, retirement, job loss, divorce, illness, etc.
  • Trauma: Such as a history of unwanted sexual contact or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

A 2017 study also identified high levels of chronic, intense, and greater durations of endurance training on a regular basis, as a possible contributor to decreased libido in men.10

What Medications Can Cause Low Libido?

Medications that may cause low libido include:31112

  • Serotonin-enhancing medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs)
  • Antipsychotics, such as Haldol Decanoate (haloperidol)
  • Blood pressure medications, including diuretics and beta-blockers
  • Medications used to treat seizures
  • Medications that block the effects or reduce the production of testosterone, such as Tagamet HB (cimetidine), Propecia (finasteride), and Androcur (cyproterone)

Is Low Libido Always a Problem?

Having a low (or no) libido in and of itself can be perfectly normal for a person. Comparing your libido to someone else’s, including your partner’s, is not an accurate way to determine if your libido is “too low.”12

There is no set amount of sex that’s considered “normal.” A person may be content thinking about or having sex once a year, while another person may be unhappy with sexual activity once a week.136

Unless your low libido is a symptom of a health condition that needs to be addressed (such as diabetes, depression, etc.), the level of your libido is only a problem if it is bothering you.2

How to Treat Low Libido

If a person wants to treat their low sex drive, there are a number of approaches that can be tried.

Hormones

Supplementation of testosterone in those with low testosterone levels may help with low libido, but should only be attempted under the guidance of a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about this treatment.11

Those who have been through menopause (either naturally or surgically) with low libido may benefit from transdermal testosterone therapy (with or without accompanying estrogen therapy). However, data on the benefit of testosterone therapy are limited and inconsistent, and there is a lack of long-term data on safety and effectiveness.

Hormone treatment comes with risks as well as benefits. Talk to your healthcare provider about whether taking hormones is appropriate for you.1

Medication

If low libido is a side effect of medication, talk to your healthcare provider about changing the dose or type of medication you are on. In some cases, another medication, such as the atypical antidepressant Wellbutrin (bupropion), may be added to help address the sexual dysfunction.12

Flibanserin

In 2015, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved the medication Addyi (flibanserin) for use in the treatment of FSIAD of any severity in people who are premenopausal.5

Reported side effects include:

  • Headache
  • Dizziness
  • Fatigue
  • Drowsiness
  • Nausea

Flibanserin carries a boxed warning (the strongest FDA warning) for hypotension (low blood pressure) and syncope (fainting) in certain settings, particularly with the use of alcohol and/or moderate or strong CYP3A4 (an important drug-metabolizing enzyme) inhibitors, and for people with liver impairment.

Alcohol should be avoided during the entire course of treatment with flibanserin.

Flibanserin is taken daily as an oral pill.2</span

Long-term studies on flibanserin are needed. The benefits of flibanserin in improving sex drive are minimal compared to placebo, and in many cases are outweighed by the risks of using it.

Before taking flibanserin, it’s important to discuss these benefits vs. risks with a healthcare provider who is knowledgeable about this medication.

Bremelanotide

Vyleesi (bremelanotide) was approved in 2019 for treatment of HSDD in people who are premenopausal.14

Bremelanotide is taken as needed, about 45 minutes before sexual activity, as an injection in the thigh or abdomen.2

Evidence on efficacy is limited, and shows minimal effect on the number of satisfying sexual events compared to placebo.

The most common side effects of bremelanotide are:14

  • Nausea (about 40% of people who took bremelanotide in clinical trials experienced nausea and 13% needed medication to treat the nausea)
  • Vomiting
  • Flushing
  • Injection site reactions
  • Headache

People with uncontrolled high blood pressure, with known cardiovascular disease, and those at high risk for cardiovascular disease should not take bremelanotide.

Address Underlying Medical Conditions

If your low libido is caused by a health condition, managing that condition may improve your libido.111

Therapy

Therapy such as cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) with a therapist or counselor who specializes in sexual and relationship issues may help with sexual dysfunction.121

Therapy can help you address psychological issues that may be affecting your sex drive, including:13

Lifestyle Changes

General healthy lifestyle practices, such as eating nutritious foods, being physically active, and getting enough quality sleep, may help improve your libido.6

Mindfulness exercises, relaxation techniques, and other ways to reduce and manage stress may also be beneficial.1

For some people, engaging in sexual stimulation and triggering the arousal response can help the person “get into it,” even if they weren’t desiring sex before. While this may be helpful for some people, no one should feel pressured to engage in sexual activity if they don’t want to.12

Relationship Strategies

Open and honest communication with your partner about your sexual desires can help both of you feel sexually fulfilled.11

You may also benefit from psychosexual counseling, which can help you and your partner work through sexual, emotional, and relationship issues that may be affecting your libido.3

Remember that sex is more than intercourse. There are activities you can do together that can “spice things up” or let you engage in intimacy without having sex. Some things to try include:136

  • Exploring each other’s bodies through caressing, kissing, etc.
  • Giving and receiving massages
  • Bathing or showering together
  • Experimenting with different sexual techniques
  • Using aids such as toys or massage oils
  • Planning romantic activities or taking a weekend away

You may also find that self-exploration helps you find what works for you.

Are There Tests to Diagnose the Cause of Low Libido?

To look for a cause of low libido, your healthcare provider may:11

  • Ask about history of low libido (when it started, severity, situational and/or medical factors around the time it started, previous treatments, and if there other sexual problems present, etc.)
  • Get a general medical history, including medications and mental health
  • Perform a physical examination
  • Discuss your partner(s)
  • Run laboratory tests, such as a blood test to check hormone levels
  • Refer you to a specialist if needed (such as a mental health professional if FSIAD is suspected)

When to See a Healthcare Provider

loss of libido, especially if prolonged or recurring, may be an indication of an underlying problem. It may be a good idea to see if there are potential medical or psychological reasons that should be explored.3

Even without a medical reason, if your low libido bothers you, talk to your healthcare provider.

Summary

A low libido means little or no desire to engage in sexual activities. It may be linked to a medical condition, medication, relationship issues, hormones, and other factors. It may also be normal for that person.

Unless there is an underlying medical condition, low libido is only a problem if it causes the person distress.

Treating unwanted low libido depends on the cause, but may include medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, hormone therapy, and/or relationship building.

A Word From Verywell

If you have a low sex drive that is not caused by a medical condition and isn’t bothering you, then it is not a problem. If you are bothered by your low libido or are concerned about what may be causing it, talk to your healthcare provider. A medical professional can help you figure out what is going on and how best to approach it.

Frequently Asked Questions

  • Is low libido the same as low arousal?While related, libido and arousal are different. Libido refers to a person’s overall interest in sexual activities. Sexual arousal is how the body responds to sexual stimuli (“turned on”).
  • Is low libido normal?For some people, having a low libido is normal. A low libido is only a cause for concern if it is caused by a medical condition or if the person does not want to have a low libido.
  • Does low libido vary by gender?
    Women are more likely than men to experience low libido. The causes of low libido can also depend on gender.

Most studies on low libido include cisgender people only. More research is needed to understand how libido affects people across the gender spectrum.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Anorgasmia

— The reason why you find it difficult to orgasm

Understanding why you find it difficult to orgasm is key to finding a solution.

By Ashley Jones

TV shows especially romcoms make it look like orgasm is a given for everyone who engages in sex. But for a lot of people, reaching the peak of sexual pleasure is not an experience they often get during intercourse. If you have difficulty climaxing regardless of how much sexual stimulation you get, you might have a condition called anorgasmia.

What is anorgasmia?

It is a well established fact that the frequency and intensity of orgasms vary from one person to the other, so is the type of stimulation needed to get people off. According to Mayo Clinic, anorgasmia may be responsible for some people, especially women, not having orgasm during sex.

Anorgasmia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.

The emphasis here is on the word ‘distress’. So, for a diagnosis of anorgasmia to be made, a person who is unable to orgasm may also exhibit feelings of frustration, self-doubt, shame, inadequacy and anger, according to Healthline.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 5th Edition (DSM-5), states that people can be diagnosed with anorgasmia if they experience significant ‘delay in, infrequency of, or absence of orgasm’ during at least 75% of sexual intercourse for a minimum of six months. Certified sex therapist Diana Urman, Ph.D. explains:

…generally speaking, any difficulties with achieving orgasm over a short or extended period of time can be called anorgasmia without having a medical professional to diagnose it.

Without seeking medical examination, you can tell if you have the condition based on these factors listed in an article on MindBodyGreen:

  • Consider whether you’ve ever had an orgasm: If you orgasm during certain situations like masturbation, oral sex or sex with other partners, then an absence of an orgasm could be situational.
  • Consider the breadth of your sexual experiences: what form of stimulation do you require, what positions do you find enjoyable, what type of sex gets you off (rough, sensual or tantric sex)?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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3 Things to Do When the Sex Was Mind-Blowingly…Bad

It doesn’t mean it can’t get so much better.

By Cathryne Keller

Apologies to Bridgerton, but first-time sex isn’t always the mind-blowing, corset-busting stuff of historical romance novels. In real life, hooking up with a new partner—even one you’re super into—can be awkward, uncomfortable, or otherwise…not good. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it can’t get so much better.

I’m not talking about the sex that’s bad in that they didn’t respect your boundaries or otherwise made you feel unsafe, of course. (No second chances in that situation.) And maybe the sexual sparks just aren’t there—in which case you can trust your instincts and don’t need us to tell you what to do. But it’s also possible that you just need to work out some, ahem, kinks.

To help you figure out if your unsatisfying experience was merely a stumbling block on the road to a much more pleasurable connection, we asked Chamin Ajjan, LCSW, a Brooklyn-based cognitive behavioral therapist and certified sex therapist, for her best advice on what to do if sex with a new partner left a lot to be desired.

Try to get out of your head.

When you’re excited about getting naked with someone for the first time, it’s normal to fantasize about how it’ll go down. The problem is, setting your expectations too high can also set you up for a possible letdown, Ajjan says. If your first hookup was, uh, anticlimactic, she recommends asking yourself, Was I in the moment, or was I focused on the experience that I built up in my mind?

“If you’re comparing this sexual experience with the one you imagined or with others you’ve had with past sexual partners, you’re missing out on what’s actually happening in the here and now,” Ajjan says. Of course, maybe what was happening right in front of you really wasn’t so hot, but if you’re into your new partner and willing to give it another go, staying present can help you decide if there’s more sexual chemistry between you two than you initially thought.

Ajjan’s best advice for tuning into the moment during sex: Focus on your senses by paying attention to what you’re hearing, smelling, tasting, and feeling. “This mindful approach to sex can increase your pleasure by making it a wonderfully sensory experience where you’re more in sync with your partner,” she says. Basically, you’re getting out of your head and into your body.

Get clearer about what you both want in bed.

“Bad sex is often just a case of bad communication,” Ajjan says. “Speaking up seems simple enough, but we often worry about hurting our partner’s feelings and shy away from advocating for our sexual preferences and desires.” However, avoiding the conversation after a lackluster hookup ends up being a disservice to everyone and minimizes your chances for real pleasure, she adds.

Communication with a sexual partner can be verbal or nonverbal, and you don’t need to be harsh to get your point across, according to Ajjan. Instead of telling them what you didn’t like (“It turned me all the way off when you nibbled on my ear”), try sharing what you did or do enjoy (“It was so hot when you kissed me here”). “Being explicit about your turn-ons can be a turn-on itself,” Ajjan says. “You can also try gently moving their hand or body to where you’d like it to be and show them how you’d like to be touched or let them know what you’re enjoying with a sexy sound or outright telling them, ‘This feels so good.’”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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12 ways to boost libido and improve your sex life

By Ashley Laderer and Shannon Ullman

  • You can increase your sex drive with diet, exercise, sleep, relaxation, herbs, and more.
  • Everyone’s sex drive is different, and there is no “normal” or “abnormal” desire for sex.
  • Low libido can be caused by health conditions, medication, mental health issues, and more.

Media and societal norms lead people to believe that they should be ready to have sex at any given moment. While this is the experience of some people, it certainly isn’t the case for everybody.

If you’re looking to increase your sex drive or libido, there are a few things you can do to boost your desire. Here is what the research says.

What is libido?

Libido is a person’s sexual desire or appetite. A person’s libido can be affected by hormones, mental state, stress, brain function, and behavior patterns.

Everyone’s libido is different, and the same person’s sex drive might fluctuate over time, depending on circumstances. This is normal.

According to sexologist and sexuality counselor Jess O’Reilly, Human Sexuality Ph.D. and host of the Sex With Dr. Jess Podcast, there’s no universal standard or rule of thumb when it comes to sexual desire.

“Low desire is only a problem if you deem it one or you find it distressful. Some people want sex several times per day, and others don’t want it at all, and all experiences can be perfectly healthy,” says O’Reilly.

However, if you do find your lack of sexual desire distressing and you want to be more interested in sex, O’Reilly recommends looking at whether your libido is low due to lifestyle or relational factors, which could range from trouble communicating with each other, lacking emotional connection, or dealing with existing conflicts such as fighting over money or kids.

Try these 12 tips to increase your libido:

1. Reduce stress levels

Stress can cause various physical symptoms, including a lower libido.

O’Reilly says your levels of cortisol — commonly referred to as the stress hormone — rise when you’re stressed out, and this can interfere with your sexual desire and arousal. A 2018 survey conducted by the BBC found that 45% of respondents said that stress negatively affected their sex drive. A low sex drive in women can be caused by stress, more so than in men, according to research.

However, learning to reduce or manage stress can be difficult. Don’t be afraid to ask for help and support, whether it’s from your partner or a therapist. A few options for relieving stress include:

2. Understand arousal and learn what turns you on

For many people, the desire for sex isn’t there 24/7.

“Desire does not always occur spontaneously. Most people need to get aroused first, and then they might experience desire. If you sit around waiting for sexual desire to occur on its own, it simply may not happen,” says O’Reilly.

There are plenty of ways you can ramp up arousal and, thus desire. Try some of the following:

  • Fantasizing
  • Sexting
  • Watching porn
  • Reading erotic stories
  • Masturbating
  • Having your partner kiss and touch you without the expectation of sex
  • Listening to erotica
  • Enjoying music that feels sexual to you
  • Sex toys

Get creative and experiment with what turns you on most and increases your desire. O’Reilly says that once you’re aroused, it’s much more likely that desire for sex will follow.

Expanding your definition of what sex means can also be helpful. If you are not excited by the type of sex you have been engaged in, trying something new can be exciting.

3. Let go of performance anxiety

Performance anxiety, pressure, and stress surrounding sex are likely to curb your arousal and your desire.

“Pressure is the antithesis to pleasure, so if you feel pressure to have sex in a certain way, look a certain way, have an orgasm, get hard, get wet, make specific sounds or want sex with a specific frequency, you may find that you lose interest altogether,” says O’Reilly.

Take time out to really get to know yourself sexually. O’Reilly says that spending time better understanding your body’s unique responses through masturbation can help you to be more at ease when you’re with a partner. She also highly recommends using mindfulness during masturbation, and mindfulness in general, which will result in benefits in partnered sex.

Practicing mindfulness has been studied with great results in regard to libido. A 2014 study examined 117 women who struggled with low desire. After mindfulness training, there was a significant decrease in “sex-related distress.”

4. Get enough sleep

Sleep affects many aspects of your health and behavior, including your sex drive. A 2019 study found that lack of quality sleep is correlated to low libido, as well as difficulty orgasming in women.

O’Reilly says exhaustion can lead to a lack of desire for sex. In this case, you should be prioritizing sleep over sex. Once you take care of your sleep habits, you may notice a difference in your libido, according to O’Reilly.

A few ways to improve your sleep habits include:

  • Limiting screen time before bed
  • Limiting caffeine intake to early in the day
  • Going to bed at a consistent time each night
  • Regular exercise
  • Limiting alcohol
  • Sleeping in a cool, dark room

5. Address relationship dissatisfaction

When you’re in a relationship, and you’re experiencing issues with your partner, it’s likely that those problems will spill over into the bedroom and leave one or both of you less likely to want sex.

“If you’re harboring resentment, dealing with a partner who doesn’t want to engage, struggling with ongoing conflict, recovering from hurt and trauma, it’s unlikely that you’ll want sex spontaneously,” says O’Reilly.

It’s best to work on these issues with your partner rather than sweep them under the rug and hope they go away. O’Reilly suggests talking about underlying sources of tension and being open about issues.

6. Reduce negative anticipation

You might not be looking forward to sex if you are worried about potential or actual negative consequences.

If you don’t want to get pregnant or are worried about sexually transmitted infections (STIs), use barrier methods such as condoms and hormonal birth control. Be sure to have conversations with any partner about your comforts and concerns.

Some people also experience unwanted pain with sex. Ask your doctor about any pain or discomfort you experience.

If you regularly have issues with getting or maintaining erections and control over orgasms, you might be worried about sex being pleasurable for you and your partner. Make an appointment with a urologist if you have any issues with erections or orgasms.

7. Talk to a therapist

Talking to a general therapist or a sex therapist can help you deal with underlying psychological reasons that you might be experiencing low sex drive. O’Reilly says this can be particularly helpful if you’re dealing with shame surrounding sex, body image, or trauma.

There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about regarding sex or seeking therapy to help with your sex life. This can be a way to examine the sources of your distress.

If there is an underlying psychological cause, then simply trying to boost your libido probably won’t help. You need to address the fundamental issue at hand first.

8. Consider hormone therapy

If your low libido stems from symptoms of menopause, hormone therapy could help. Vaginal dryness and atrophy can make sex painful, but hormonal patches, gels, sprays, and medications can all help.

Learning how to increase sex drive in women can be a matter of speaking with a doctor to receive hormone therapy. These therapies include:

  • Estrogen
  • Prasterone
  • Testosterone
  • Ospemifene

9. Eat foods that boost libido

Eating libido-boosting foods isn’t a quick fix for low sex drive. However, there is some truth behind the concept of aphrodisiacs. According to research, certain nutrients can help boost sex drive and fertility.

For example, diets high in animal protein, trans-fatty acids, and carbohydrates can have a negative impact on fertility. Diets high in vegetable protein, omega-3 fatty acids, and antioxidants could improve fertility.

Getting an adequate amount of these nutrients could help boost sex drive in some people. Some foods with the potential to boost libido include:

  • Citrus fruits
  • Legumes
  • Whole grains
  • Fresh vegetables
  • Nuts
  • Seafood

Foods that could contribute to a low sex drive may include:

  • Saturated fats like those found in fried food
  • Polyunsaturated fats like those found in vegetable oil
  • White flour and sugar
  • High sodium items

10. Try herbs for sex drive

If you prefer to stick with natural remedies for a low sex drive, herbs can be a great option. Some studies show that select natural herbs have the potential to boost libido.

Some herbs with the potential to boost your sex drive include:

  • Ginseng: Especially Korean Red Ginseng, which has been shown to help improve sex drive in women with menopause.
  • Maca: There is anecdotal evidence that this Peruvian root is an aphrodisiac.
  • Ginkgo Biloba: This extract has been shown to increase blood flow to the genitals.

Many of these herbal supplements can be found online or in natural health food stores.

11. Practice body acceptance

A low sex drive in women and men could be caused by a person’s body confidence.

Societal pressures, the media, upbringing, and mental health issues can cause some people to dislike their bodies. When you’re not feeling comfortable in your skin it may lower your sex drive. Practicing acceptance of your body can help you feel grateful for the skin you’re in, and boost confidence.

Body acceptance is definitely a practice, so don’t get too frustrated with yourself if you find it’s a challenge. Ways to practice body acceptance include:

  • Writing in a gratitude journal.
  • Consuming healthy foods that make you feel good.
  • Moving your body and getting exercise in ways you find enjoyable.
  • Working with a therapist.
  • Dressing in a way that makes you feel confident and comfortable.
  • Limiting media that makes you feel bad about yourself or your body.
  • Practicing positive self-talk.

12. Limit alcohol

Sure, alcohol may temporarily lower your inhibitions, but it can lower your libido and disrupt sexual functions.

One 2016 study showed that women reported less lubrication and difficulty reaching orgasm after drinking. Males reported that they felt less sensation in their genitals — also known as “whiskey dick” — when having sex under the influence of alcohol.

If you’re going to drink and are hoping to boost your sex drive, try to stay within one to three drinks.

What causes low sex drive?

There are many reasons someone may experience a low sex drive. Some of these reasons include:

Insider’s takeaway

Everyone’s sex drive is different, and that’s okay. If you’re experiencing a lower sex drive than what is normal for you, there can be many reasons. Health conditions, medications, psychological issues, and relationship problems can all cause low libido.

There are plenty of ways to boost your sex drive, though. Healthy lifestyle habits like exercise, diet, mindfulness, and self-love can get your libido up and running. Whether your libido is low or high, it doesn’t really matter, as long as you’re happy and satisfied with your sex life. If you’re not, there are plenty of ways to make a change.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to last longer in bed

— 20 ways for men to delay ejaculation

if you nearly always ejaculate after less than a minute of sex, you may be diagnosed with premature ejaculation.

By Madeline Kennedy

  • It’s common to feel like you want to last longer in bed, especially if you ejaculate prematurely.
  • To last longer in bed naturally, slow down movement and use condoms or the pause-squeeze method.
  • You can ask your doctor about pelvic exercises, numbing medications, Viagra, and SSRIs.

If you are worried that you finish too quickly in bed, you’re not alone — around one in three men in the US report having issues with premature ejaculation. It’s unclear why this happens, but scientists think it’s a combination of psychological and biological factors.

If you aren’t able to have sex for as long as you would like, there are several strategies that can help.

How to last longer during sex

If you are struggling with finishing too early, here are 20 things you can do that may help.

1. Get support from your partner

Getting support from your partner can be an important part of the process. “To begin with, tell your partner that you want to try lasting longer, and ask your partner if they’re interested in that,” says Vanessa Marin, MFT, a licensed sex therapist in private practice.

This may help your partner understand what’s going on and help you talk openly about any feelings of frustration. Once communication is open with your partner, you can discuss exactly what triggers your orgasm and try practicing the following methods.

2. Use condoms

Since premature ejaculation may be a result of hypersensitivity, using a condom is a simple solution that may make sex last longer. The condom forms a barrier around the penis that dulls sensation and may lead to delayed ejaculation.

3. Try desensitizing condoms

Desensitizing condoms come with numbing agents such as Benzocaine or Lidocaine that reduce sensitivity in the genitals and are designed to numb the penis during sexual activity

Although these numbing agents are safe and effective in countering premature ejaculation, side effects can include allergic dermatitis and penile gangrene.

4. Learn the pause-squeeze method

The pause-squeeze method can be done while having sex or masturbating and involves:

  1. Having sex until you feel that you are about to ejaculate.
  2. Then, pulling out and squeezing the tip of your penis for several seconds, or until the need to ejaculate passes.
  3. And finally, continuing to have sex and repeating the technique as needed.

“The theory is you stop the flow, let the penis rest, and then go back at it to increase your time,” Brahmbatt says.

Brahmbatt says that this can be one of the more difficult treatments for premature ejaculation because it takes a lot of self-control. Practicing repeatedly and communicating clearly with your partner may help ease the process.

5. Do pelvic floor exercises

Your pelvic floor muscles lie just below your prostate and your rectum, and just like other muscles, they can be strengthened through exercise. Experts believe that if pelvic floor muscles are too weak, it may be harder for you to delay your ejaculation.

To flex your pelvic floor muscles, act as if you are trying to stop yourself from peeing or passing gas and feel which muscles move. To tone these muscles, follow these steps:

  1. Tighten the pelvic floor muscles – you can lie down or sit if this makes it easier.
  2. Hold the muscles taut for three seconds.
  3. Relax the muscles for three seconds.
  4. Repeat the exercise as many times as needed.

To get good results, you should try to do three sets of 10 repetitions each day.

6. Slow down

Thrusting quickly creates intense stimulation and may make you more likely to orgasm after a short time. Thrusting quickly can also make it harder to recognize more subtle sensations in your body, and you may not realize that you’re getting close to orgasm, Marin says.

“Try to move at a slower pace and regularly take little breaks to move extra-slow,” says Marin. You may be surprised that some partners might like slower movement, especially at the start of sex.

Positions that limit your movement, like having your partner on top, can also be helpful because you aren’t able to lose control and start thrusting too quickly.

7. Change up positions

When you change positions, it requires you to take a bit of a break and slow your movements.

“You’re not getting as much stimulation during the transition, so it allows your body to cool off and get further from orgasm,” says Marin.

Positions where you can’t penetrate as deeply may also help, such as a spooning position where you are the “big spoon.”

8. Spend more time on foreplay

Spending more time on foreplay can help you last longer in bed. In a confidential survey conducted in the U.S about peoples’ experiences with orgasm, sexual pleasure and genital touching, more than a third responded that stimulation was necessary for orgasm.

9. Try edging

Edging is the process of getting right up to the edge of an orgasm, then stopping yourself to cool down before starting up again.

To last longer during sex, repeat the edging process as many times as possible, says Marin. Since you’re not allowing yourself to orgasm and taking periodic breaks, you’ll naturally last longer.

10. Masturbate before sex

Masturbating before sex can help you last longer since your body won’t be as sensitive to sexual stimulation, Marin says.

It may take some trial and error to find out how long before sex you should masturbate. Because if you masturbate right before sex, it might be difficult to get an erection again so soon. But if you orgasm too many hours beforehand, you might be completely reset by the time you have sex and ejaculate too quickly.

Basically, you want to find that sweet spot where you lower your stimulation but don’t kill your sex drive, Marin says.

11. Try sex toys

There are several ways sex toys can help you with premature ejaculation. You can use these toys to practice managing your orgasm by masturbating with them and stopping right before reaching orgasm.

On the other hand, sex toys could also be used to satisfy your partner if you cannot sustain an erection long enough for your partner to reach orgasm.

12. Distract yourself

Another option is to distract yourself with other thoughts, including something mundane like what you’ll eat for dinner or a movie you saw last week. This can help bring your mind away from the pleasurable sensations you’re having and may briefly delay ejaculation.

However, it may also take away from your enjoyment of sex and your intimacy with your partner. You can try and see if this method helps you last longer at certain times, but overall, remember to stay present and connected to your partner during sex.

13. Ask your doctor about numbing medications

Prescription numbing medications use ingredients like lidocaine and prilocaine, which generally come as creams or sprays that will decrease sensitivity and can be a helpful way to treat premature ejaculation.

Numbing creams or sprays should be carefully applied to the penis 20 to 30 minutes before sex to be most effective. You should also wash the cream away before having sex, so it doesn’t affect your partner.

“Make sure your partner knows you are using it — as a heads up and also to make sure they don’t have a history of allergic reaction or problem with its use,” Brahmbatt says.

14. Talk to a professional about your diet and weight

Although a poor diet is not directly linked to premature ejaculation, having the right diet can help prevent metabolic syndrome (MetS), which could be involved with premature ejaculation (PE).

MetS is a health condition which raises the risk of several diseases such as diabetes, coronary heart disease, stroke and other serious health issues. This is associated with health problems such as obesity, high blood pressure and blood sugar levels, high blood triglycerides and low HDL cholesterol.

In a study on the relationship between MetS and PE, the analysis revealed that MetS components can significantly affect sexual performance due to premature ejaculation. Studies are not conclusive on why MetS affects PE exactly, but it may involve hormones, depression, and vitamin deficiencies.

15. Take Viagra

Though sildenafil (Viagra) is usually prescribed to treat people who have trouble keeping an erection, research shows that it can help with premature ejaculation as well.

A 2007 study found that Viagra helped men with premature ejaculation last longer and was more effective than the stop-squeeze technique. At the end of the study, 87% of subjects using Viagra said they wanted to continue this treatment, compared with 45% of subjects using stop and squeeze.

16. Talk to your healthcare provider or a sex therapist

Talking to your healthcare provider can help review your health history and determine which of the above options are best for you.

A sex therapist can also be a valuable resource, especially if you think your premature ejaculation is linked to an issue like anxiety or lack of experience.

For example, sex therapists can help you identify your emotions before or during sex that may be affecting how quickly you orgasm or help teach you how to do kegel exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor.

17. Take the focus off of penetration

Focusing more on foreplay and less on penetration can help you last longer for several reasons.

For one, you’re likely to be taking breaks to change positions or to attend to your partner.

It also gives you opportunities to employ techniques like the pause-squeeze method.

Plus, by delaying penetrative sex, you’re prolonging the build up to orgasm, similar to edging, which can make climaxing feel more intense.

18. Take a deep breath

Taking a moment during sex to breathe deeply can actually stop your body’s reflex to ejaculate.

Deep breathing also forces you to slow the rapid breathing and heart rate associated with reaching climax.

19. Do yoga regularly

Adopting a regular yoga practice may help people struggling with premature ejaculation.

A review of yoga’s potential effects on sexual dysfunction points out that it’s been found to improve overall sexual health by regulating hormones, which influence performance in bed.

The review also claims that yoga’s emphasis on mindfulness and bodily discipline can help people struggling with premature ejaculation gain more control and self-awareness around how they experience pleasure and their ejaculatory functions.

In one study, men who were taught how to integrate yoga and breath regulation into their lifestyles for one month were better able to prolong ejaculation compared to men who tried a stop-start technique.

20. Ask your doctor about taking an SSRI

The presence of more serotonin in the brain has been shown to slow down ejaculation.

If you continue to struggle with premature ejaculation after trying other methods, your doctor may prescribe a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) like dapoxetine (brand name Priligy).

However, it’s important to note that research around SSRIs and premature ejaculation is ongoing, and you may actually benefit more by combining an SSRI with other methods or medications:

  • In a 2019 analysis, Paroxetine (Paxil) was also shown to improve premature ejaculation, and it was found to be even more effective when combined with behavior therapy or tadalafil (Cialis), a drug used for erectile dysfunction.
  • In one 2021 clinical trial, tadalafil combined with either paroxetine or dapoxetine was found to be more effective at treating premature ejaculation than either SSRI taken alone.

How long does the average person last during sex?

According to a 2005 study conducted across five countries, vaginal sex generally lasts for around 5 to 6 minutes.

That’s a lot shorter than what the adult film industry often depicts: sex going on for hours, which can give a false idea of how long sex should last, says Jamin Brahmbhatt, MD, a urologist at the Orlando Health Medical Group Urology PUR clinic.

However, it’s important to note that there’s no correct amount of time for sex to last, and it’s up to you and your partner to decide the optimal time for you both.

What causes premature ejaculation?

It’s common for men to finish too quickly once in a while, but if you nearly always ejaculate after less than a minute of sex, you may be diagnosed with premature ejaculation.

It may be difficult to pinpoint exactly why this happens to you, but here are some common culprits:

  • Psychology: Studies show that anxiety, particularly anxiety about your sexual performance, is linked to premature ejaculation. Feeling depressed, stressed out, or guilty can also make you more likely to finish quickly. Men may also experience premature ejaculation at higher rates if they have poor body image or are victims of sexual abuse.
  • Experience: Your level of sexual experience can also affect how long you last in bed. “Men may also climax faster if they are not having sex often or this is their first time engaging in any sexual activity,” Brahmbhatt says.
  • High amounts of free testosterone: Studies show that men with premature ejaculation tend to have higher levels of free testosterone, which can lead to symptoms like loss of energy and low sex drive. However, scientists say that more research is needed to determine why this is the case.
  • Hyperthyroidism: Premature ejaculation can also be caused by hyperthyroidism, a condition in which the thyroid gland in your neck produces too much of a hormone called thyroxine. Researchers aren’t sure why thyroid issues affect your sex stamina, but after being treated for hypothyroidism, men are much less likely to experience premature ejaculation.

Insider’s takeaway

Premature ejaculation is common, and it can cause difficulties in your sex life or relationships. Luckily, however, there are many methods to last longer in bed, including medications, physical exercises, and sexual techniques.

You may also want to talk to your partner about the issue so that you can work on it together. And if all else fails, consider seeing a doctor or sex therapist who can help you navigate the process.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Should Sex Be Funny?

Laughter in the bedroom can enhance or seriously kill the mood. Here’s how to achieve comedic bliss.

As long as you’re both laughing, your hilarious sex life is fine

By Kirk Miller

For something we think about so much, nobody really focuses on the truth that sex is… well, fucking ridiculous.

The sounds. The smells. The vocabulary (say “balls” and try not to laugh).

So should we embrace the bedroom absurdity or ignore it?

I’m not equipped to answer this question — and yes, if you read “equipped” in an article about sex and slightly chuckled, you are me. So I cast a wide net, talking to comedians, podcasters, adult film stars, sexologists, therapists and other professionals of all persuasions, ages and gender identities to figure out if and when you can bring humor to bed.

My mission did not start well. “I don’t even understand what you’re asking,” said a former sex editor for InsideHook (I’ll take her answer as a “no.”) But that reticent editor did put me in touch with Courtney Kocak, a writer who co-hosts a podcast called Private Parts Unknown, which tackles sexuality around the world in ways both funny and serious.

“Humor absolutely belongs in the bedroom,” says Kovacs. “Sex is primal and sometimes awkward. I mean, c’mon, you can’t take yourself too seriously while engaged in a position called “doggy style.” Plus, our bodies tend to keep us humble with a queef, a guttural moan, or a ridiculous O-face — some of those moments are genuinely funny. Occasionally dirty talk is laugh-out-loud hilarious. Allow yourself to be authentic and laugh if something funny happens in the sack. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on the wonderful intimacy that comes from being vulnerable.”

Vulnerability is a key point here — as many people I talked to were quick to mention, humor does not lead to demeaning or laughing at someone.

“Obviously, laughter can be an expression of discomfort,” says Emme Witt, a sex and relationships writer who’s also an experienced dominatrix. “I was once laughed at for masturbating during sex because a man was unable to make me orgasm through penetration. I wasn’t too happy about that. He was laughing. I wasn’t. The relationships ended.”

However, there can be a place for mockery, if specifically requested. Notes Witt: “As a pro-domme, I’ve also had clients request humor in our sessions. They want to be laughed at because they enjoy being degraded to give me pleasure. Laughing, therefore, is a fetish in and of itself.”

“Unless it’s a negotiated kink scene and everyone is on board or you are 100% confident that your partner is okay with it in a sexual setting, I typically tell people that body image, abilities, intellects and identities are off-limits for teasing,” adds Amy Julia Cheyfitz, a sex therapist and BDSM educator in the D.C. area (Cheyfitz also admits that, in her own life, she’s a fan of “good-natured, silly teasing” and, in the best answer I received, “Having a weak spot for terrible puns.”)

Humor actually might be the only way a relationship can thrive. “There is almost no way a couple can sustain a long-term, fun and healthy sex life without a sense of humor,” says Dr. Bat Sheva Marcus, a therapist with a specialization in sexual health and the former clinical director of the largest independent women’s sexual health center in the U.S. “Sex, at its best, puts all of us in awkward, odd and sometimes downright embarrassing situations. If it isn’t, you are probably stuck in a boring rut. So one of the first things I do with couples in normalizing all of this and ask them to tap into the humor or sex, let go and learn to ‘play.’”

Unfortunately, there aren’t many examples we can easily point to where sex and humor collide in a way that’s, well, fun and stimulating. “Media often portrays sex in a one-dimensional way, serious and seductive, and it can be, but that’s not the only expression,” says Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, a sexual wellness expert and head of communications at MysteryVibe. “It’s important that people feel empowered to express themselves in ways that are authentic and reflective of their life experiences and not conform to a model.”

Still, laughter can go both ways — it can be a sign of euphoria or complete comfort, or a signal that one partner is nervous or unsure. “Laughing during sex can be a good indication of satisfaction, pleasure and overall happiness,” says Amber Shine, an ACS Certified Sex Educator and media manager at XFans Hub. “It can be triggered while you and your partner are teasing one another verbally or physically, perhaps including an inside joke, or even when something silly happens in the heat of it all – which is not a bad thing. But if jokes are used to cover up nervousness, performance anxiety, or worse, to shame the other person, then it’s best to keep them at bay and focus on the deed.”

So, what specifically is funny during sex? Almost everyone I spoke with mentioned sounds or unintended bodily functions. “Humor allows us to laugh at funny sounds like queefs, farts and sweaty bodies smacking together rather than being consumed by self-consciousness around having human bodies,” says Yael R. Rosenstock Gonzalez, an intimacy, relationship and identity coach/educator (and founder of Sex Positive You). “Besides, when sex is taken too seriously, it adds a level of stress. It becomes performative rather than pleasure-focused.”

So far, these seem like pretty simple rules to follow. However…“You do have to be careful,” warns Valentina Bellucci, a porn and fetish performer. “If you are more comfortable in bed than your partner, then you might kill the vibe even with one joke. But if you are with someone who is very confident and you both have a great relationship and can talk and joke about everything, you can move it to the bedroom and make jokes from time to time. It can be something that makes you laugh, role-playing or acting as if you were in a porn parody scene.”

So what ruins it for Belluci? “Very often I pick up a part of a song or a line from a movie and joke about it during the day. My partner knows exactly what it is and when we start having sex, all it takes is him repeating this one sentence and he knows I will not stop laughing for two or three minutes. When he does it during sex, it’s even worse because I have to stop. But when he does it when I’m close to orgasm, I have extremely mixed emotions because I can’t be mad at him because he made me laugh but also I’m pissed off because I know I was about to cum.”

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This Is the Key to Unlocking Your Best Sex Yet

— Solo or Partnered

By Crystal Raypole

Sex is a natural human desire. Many people enjoy physical intimacy and want more of it. Sex with new or multiple partners, different kinds of sex, better sex with your current partner — all are completely normal goals.

Yet, sometimes, it can feel as if improving your sex life is easier fantasized about than done.

Sure, you can find plenty of practical guides offering physical tips for better sex to people of any gender or anatomy.

But good sex doesn’t just involve your body. Your emotions and mood also play a pretty big part.

Like other aspects of wellness, good sexual health relies on the mind-body connection.

This interaction between mind and body can have some significant implications for emotional and physical health, both in and out of the bedroom.

Positive emotions such as joy, relaxation, and excitement help boost physical pleasure and satisfaction.

At the same time, distraction, irritability, and stress can all settle into your body, affecting your ability to remain present and fully enjoy experiences — from G- to X-rated — as they come.

Here’s the good news about the mind-body connection: Improvements in one area often yield similar improvements in the other.

In other words, increased emotional awareness could just help you have the best sex of your life. Nurturing this connection may take a little work, but these tips can help you get started.

Mindfulness refers to your ability to stay present in the moment.

Robyn Garnett, LCSW, a psychotherapist based in Long Beach, California, who specializes in sex therapy, describes mindfulness as “being fully engaged in an activity, fully experiencing the moment with physical senses rather than the thinking mind.”

You can probably imagine how a lack of mindfulness can detract from a sexy experience.

You might try to stay focused, for example, but thoughts of that midterm you need to study for, the pile of dishes in the sink, or how early you have to get up in the morning keep creeping in.

This fragmented awareness is incredibly common, but learning to boost powers of observation in other areas of life can help you overcome it.

As you go about your day, pay more attention to your body. How do you feel when you exercise? Eat breakfast? Walk to work? Do chores?

Notice the physical and emotional sensations that come up. What feels good? Not so good? If your thoughts start to wander away from the activity, gently return them to what you’re doing.

Many people find meditation and yoga make it easier to get in tune with emotions and practice mindfulness throughout the day.

If you have trouble expanding your awareness alone, giving these wellness practices a try could help.

It can take some time to get the hang of mindfulness, but the increased self-awareness that develops as a result can facilitate greater connection during sex.

Generally speaking, great sex means everyone involved is getting their needs met on some level.

It’s fine to want to please your partner(s), but you should also have some idea of what you enjoy and want from a sexual encounter.

Staying present during sexual encounters, whether solo, partnered, or multipartnered, can help you notice:

  • what types of touch feel best
  • how your body feels from moment to moment (let yourself move naturally)
  • the noises you and your partner(s) make (don’t be afraid to make noise, even when on your own!)
  • how your breath and movements speed up and slow down (take time to enjoy yourself instead of rushing toward climax — unless that’s what you’re into!)

When something feels good, don’t be shy about speaking up. Discussing what you like and want more of can strengthen your connection and lead to even better sex.

The same goes for things you don’t love. Participating in activities you dislike, just for a partner’s benefit, can lead to disconnection (or dread) during sex.

Also keep in mind: Good sex doesn’t always require a partner. In fact, exploring sexual interests through masturbation can help you get more comfortable with your desires.

It becomes much easier to communicate with partners when you know exactly what you enjoy — if you do choose to share with a partner, that is. Solo sex can be equally fulfilling!

First of all, you can have fantastic sex without maintaining a romantic relationship.

(That said, if you’ve tried no-strings-attached sex and find it somewhat lacking, it’s worth considering that you may need more of an emotional connection.)

If you are in a relationship, though, you’ll want to take into account the ways stress and conflict can affect not just individual well-being but also partner interactions.

It’s often easier to recognize serious issues threatening your relationship, but smaller concerns can also build up, adding to worry and anxiety.

If you don’t know how to bring these issues up, even minor problems can cause strain and affect overall emotional wellness over time.

These effects can make it more challenging to connect with your partner and enjoy intimacy.

If you’re struggling to connect with your partner — physically or emotionally — couples counseling can offer a safe, judgment-free space to explore the issue and work on healthy, productive communication.

Arousal takes time and effort for many people. Some days, you might just not feel it (totally normal, in case you wondered). Regardless, you might want to go ahead with it anyway.

Maybe you don’t get a lot of chances to have sex and think you should make the most of it, or perhaps you don’t want to let your partner down.

Keep in mind, though, your body usually knows what it’s talking about.

Remember, your mind and body work together, so pushing yourself to connect intimately when you’re drained, tired, achy, or unwell generally doesn’t end well.

Instead of fully engaging with your partner, you might get distracted, notice physical discomfort or annoyance at being touched a certain way, or have difficulty maintaining arousal and having an orgasm.

Your good intentions could even trigger conflict if your partner notices you’re less than enthusiastic.

It’s always better to communicate instead of trying to force a mood you don’t feel. You can still enjoy yourselves without having sex.

In fact, Garnett explains, exploring nonsexual activities together could promote more meaningful connection that can, in turn, lead to an improved sexual relationship.

Don’t forget: A sexual partner who doesn’t respect your physical needs and tries to pressure you into having sex anyway is not one worth keeping.

Sex therapy might sound a little terrifying when you don’t know what to expect, but it’s basically just talk therapy.

“It provides a space for you to openly discuss concerns and potential barriers so you can better understand your own needs,” Garnett says.

“Sometimes the inability to enjoy sex comes down to a misunderstanding of your own body, so psychoeducation is often where the conversation starts,” she says.

Garnett explains that while your sex therapist might suggest activities for you to try outside of therapy, by yourself or with a partner, sex therapy itself doesn’t involve touch or demonstrations.

Your primary goal in sex therapy is exploring any issues potentially affecting your sex life, such as:

Although mental health symptoms can affect sexual desire and contribute to difficulties enjoying intimacy, the reverse is also true.

If you find intimacy challenging, for whatever reason, you might become anxious when thinking of sex or feel so low that your arousal fizzles out.

This can create an unpleasant cycle. Not only can missing out on the benefits of sex bring your mood down further, you might notice tension between you and your partner if you don’t communicate what you’re feeling.

A professional can help you take a holistic look at the challenges in all areas of life, from work stress and sleep troubles to normal life changes, and consider how they could be holding you back from a more fulfilling sex life.

Better sex might not happen overnight, but dedicated efforts toward increased mindfulness can help you employ the mind-body link to improve self-awareness.

This stronger connection within yourself can pave the way toward a powerful, more deeply satisfying sexual connection with others.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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When One of You Doesn’t Want Sex

— Here’s What You Need to Be Talking About

By Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST

When sex fades within a romantic relationship, many people think the relationship is doomed to failure, and that may lead to distress, confusion, or an appointment with a sex therapist. But the truth is, there are many healthy reasons a couple may stop having sex. It may be due to illness, a change in physical ability, or other shifts that have an impact on sexual functioning or pleasure (for example, pregnancy or menopause). It can also happen when stress gets in the way for one or both partners, other parts of the relationship are taking priority, or a major life transition, such as having kids or taking care of a parent, takes up time and energy. Or it may be that one or both partners are on the asexuality spectrum or just not currently interested in being sexual. All are valid reasons.

If both partners are satisfied and happy, there’s no issue. The problem comes when one or both partners are distressed by the status quo. When that’s the case, the best place to start is to have a vulnerable and curious conversation about how each of you is feeling.

How to talk about one partner not wanting sex

Is it your partner who’s not interested in sex? Ask if they’re open to exploring what might be getting in the way. The block may be something that’s temporary or fixable—in which case, be patient and allow your partner lots of grace as they navigate through it. Remember, no one should be pressured or coerced into having sex. If you can hold space for your partner to go through phases of not craving sex—whether due to stress, fatigue, or something else—you may be able to prevent a temporary sexual slump from becoming a much longer state of being.

If it’s you who are not interested in sex right now, that’s OK. You never owe your partner sex. Try to have the same sort of open conversation about what’s blocking you—and ask for and expect the same sort of grace and space. No matter which person has lost interest, it’s smart to get specific about boundaries. Often people use “sex” and “intercourse” interchangeably, so it’s important to clarify the forms of sexuality, intimacy, or touch that still feel good and accessible to both of you. Are you each open to kissing and cuddling? What about caressing other body parts?

Also discuss nonphysical activities that help you feel super connected. Do you like to go on long walks together? Have deep conversations? Go to concerts? Upping the frequency of these activities will help keep the romance alive and give you a menu of ways to reach out to each other when you’re craving closeness.

Deciding what to do about sex as a couple

If one partner feels that their lack of interest in sex is a permanent state, the other person needs to respect that. For some couples, the answer is a nonmonogamous or open relationship—but for this to work effectively, both partners must agree that this is what’s best.

What if your honest conversation reveals that one partner’s desire for the other person has faded? That’s a good time to talk to a couples therapist. In any case, you’ll each have to decide whether a lack of sex or a difference in desire is a deal-breaker for you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I watched the first episode of reality series ‘Good Sex,’ and seeing men ask for sex help was really hot

On the television series “Good Sex,” couples agree to put cameras in their bedrooms during sex and talk about the footage with a coach after.

By Julia Naftulin

  • The new discovery+ series “Good Sex” has couples put cameras in their bedrooms. A sex coach uses the footage to help improve their intimacy.
  • In the first episode, men reveal their sexual issues, like erectile dysfunction and overall inexperience.
  • The show is a reminder that sex should be a safe space to explore desire and pleasure.

On the new television series “Good Sex,” couples willingly plant video cameras in their bedrooms while they have sex, then fork the tapes over to a sex coach for help.

Caitlin V. Neal, the show’s resident sex coach, has spent more than 10 years helping men with erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and pleasuring women.

Minutes into the first episode, a 48-year-old man named Ben admits he has trouble getting out of his head during sex with his partner Annie, which has led to erectile dysfunction. When Neal later examines video footage of their lovemaking, she finds out Annie’s dog is in the room while they’re getting it on, which interferes with Ben’s ability to focus. In the same episode, a man in his 20s reveals he’s never had sex, and wants to learn how to please a woman before he does, so Neal walks him through different pleasure points by caressing an anatomical model of female genitals.

As Insider’s sex and relationships reporter and advice columnist, I constantly read questions from women who want to save their sex and love lives. So it was refreshing to watch men get candid about their sexual concerns, like when Ben said a disconnect between his brain and body was likely the reason for his “limp dick.”

To me, “Good Sex” is a reminder that sex can be awkward and fulfilling all at once. Like the willingness to ask for help, good sex requires self-awareness, self-love, and feeling safe enough to show you’re still figuring it out.

“Good Sex” takes a raw approach by showing couples in the midst of their sexual mistakes, not just how they resolve them.

A 48-year-old named Ben opened up about difficulty achieving orgasm during sex

Ben said he’s only been with three women in his life, including his current partner of two years, Annie. They said they were both previously married to their college sweethearts.

“As great as our sex is, I’m not able stay hard, or even get hard, sometimes,” Ben told the camera during the first episode. He said current erectile dysfunction issues have made sex feel disheartening and distressing, especially coming from a previous marriage where he wasn’t having a lot of sex.

During their first session with Neal, Ben said erectile dysfunction medication hasn’t helped, and he wants to orgasm during sex with Annie.

According to Neal, the pursuit of good sex challenges people, especially men, to be more emotionally open.

“Sex is an inherently vulnerable act. And so if you’re looking to improve your sex life and you’re serious in your commitment to improving your intimacy, vulnerability is a requirement to getting the results that they want,” Neal said.

According to Neal, the showrunners’ idea to use cameras along with sex coaching made for “exponentially faster transformations, growth, and impact” because she could see what was actually happening, not just hear it from the couple’s blurry recollections.

“Imagine trying to explain, step by step, what happened the last time you had sex with your partner. Especially if you don’t have something to compare it to, it’s really difficult for someone to articulate what actually happened,” Neal, who also has a YouTube channel dedicated to sex advice, told Insider.

Healthy sex and relationships require work

The show offers snippets of each couples’ sex-coaching sessions and the bedroom homework Neal assigns them, but there’s a lot more work going on between scenes, she told Insider.

Each coaching session is between 90 minutes and two hours. It also takes time for a couple to unlearn the sex routines they’ve grown accustomed to over the past five to 30 years, Neal said.

When viewers watch “Good Sex,” Neal hopes they walk away with the realization that a fulfilling sex life requires commitment and help.

“We have no problem hiring career coaches, mechanics, people to install things in our homes. But for some reason, we have the story that sex is something we have to deal with privately, without any help. By putting cameras inside of those closed bedroom doors, we’re able to see this isn’t something you have to deal with in isolation. It’s not something that should be a source of shame,” Neal said.

A dedication to honesty and emotional openness in the name of self-improvement? Now that’s hot.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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List of Erogenous Zones for Better Intimacy

By Molly Burford

Sexual health is important for your overall health and well-being. Sexual health encompasses everything from getting routinely screened for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) to simply knowing what you like in the bedroom. One way to improve your sex life is by knowing your erogenous zones.

Essentially, an erogenous zone is any part of the body that can trigger sexual arousal when touched.1 For example, the nape of your neck or your wrist can potentially elicit pleasurable feelings when stimulated. That said, everyone’s erogenous zones are different.

Knowing both your and your partner’s erogenous zones will enhance your sexual experiences. This article will discuss what you need to know about erogenous zones.

Why Are Erogenous Zones Stimulating?

Certain areas of the body, including the erogenous zones, have a higher density of touch receptors. This is why your fingertips are more sensitive to touch than your elbow. Touch receptors respond to touch and convey the information via your nervous system to an area of the brain called the somatosensory cortex. Not only does the somatosensory cortex process sensory information, but it’s also involved in regulating our emotions and moods.2

Immediate Gratification vs. Foreplay

When it comes to sex, the build-up is everything. While reaching orgasm immediately may sound appealing to some, foreplay is a crucial component for both reaching orgasm and experiencing one to its fullest potential. Try using slow, erotic touching to explore your and your partner’s erogenous zones and build arousal.

Nerve Bundles

Nerves are the nervous system’s main communicators, carrying electrical signals to and from different parts of the body. A collection of nerve endings is known as a nerve bundle. Erogenous zones are thought to contain many nerve bundles, which is why they are so sensitive to touch.

Non-Genital Zones

Everyone is different, but in general, these are believed to be the most common non-genital erogenous zones:3

  • Head and hair
  • Eyes and temples
  • Cheeks
  • Mouth/lips
  • Ears
  • Nape of neck
  • Shoulder blades
  • Upper back
  • Upper arms
  • Breasts/chest
  • Nipples
  • Stomach
  • Belly button
  • Forearms
  • Wrists
  • Hands
  • Fingers
  • Sides
  • Lower back
  • Hips
  • Outer thighs
  • Buttocks
  • Back of thighs
  • Inner thighs
  • Pubic hairline
  • Behind knees

Below the Waist

When it comes to genital erogenous zones, the most common include:3

Try Solo-Play

Solo-play, aka masturbation, is a great way to explore your sexuality, learn about your body, and become in-tune with what you might enjoy during partnered sex. After taking time to learn about your bodies individually, you can decide to give mutual masturbation a go.

Some tips for a healthy masturbation practice include:

  • Washing hands before and after
  • Keeping nails clean
  • Avoiding eye area while masturbating
  • Not sharing sex toys
  • Properly cleaning sex toys after each use

Summary

Erogenous zones are parts of the body that trigger sexual arousal when stimulated. These include both genital and non-genital areas.

Knowing your and your partner’s non-genital erogenous zones can help enhance your sex life. But, of course, everybody will have different erogenous zones, which is why exploration, partnered or otherwise, can be helpful.

Communicating with your sexual partners about each other’s preferences is absolutely key to a safe, happy, and healthy sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to never fake an orgasm again

Those days are OVER.

by Cassandra Green

There’s no denying the statistical proof of an ‘orgasm gap’ between men and women, but while performing a climax might ease tensions in the short term, it won’t do much for your future pleasure.

We all remember that iconic scene from the 1989 hit film When Harry Met Sally, during which Meg Ryan’s character Sally sits in the middle of a crowded diner and fakes an orgasm.

When Harry, played by Billy Crystal, says he would know if a woman faked it, Sally responds, “All men are sure it never happened to them, and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math.” Thirty three years on, and women still face an orgasm gap.

A study in the Archives Of Sexual Behavior from the International Academy Of Sex Research found that heterosexual men were most likely to report they “usually- always” orgasm during sex (95 per cent), compared to 65 per cent of heterosexual women.

According to Christine Rafe, sex and relationship expert for Womanizer, there are a few patterns that could explain these statistics. “Many women have not learnt how to ask for what they want and need to orgasm,” she explains, adding that it is sometimes easier to fake it than explain why it isn’t happening. “A recent study found that the perceived ego of a sexual partner impacts the likelihood of faking orgasms.”

There is also the issue of a lack of education. “Society still perpetuates a narrative that penetrative sex is the most pleasurable… which does not align with what we know to be the anatomy of pleasure for a vulva and vagina owner. External clitoral stimulation is an essential part of orgasm for many vulva owners,” she says.

Rafe adds that pornography has its part to play, often misrepresenting climax for women.

“People describe being left feeling that there is something wrong with their body for not responding the way that bodies in pornography do.”

The burgeoning sexual wellness movement places greater awareness on the “orgasm” as a goal for both partners, which can encourage a healthy effort on both sides. Rafe says she has noticed a decrease in women faking orgasms in her practice.

But, is this growing awareness around “orgasm” a help or a hindrance?

Dr Suzanne Belton PhD, a medical anthropologist and midwife who worked closely with Dr Helen O’Connell (the Australian medical pioneer who first mapped the clitoris), celebrates these gains in recent times.

“It is possible for men and women to enjoy sensuality and sexual intercourse without orgasm. However, I find it interesting that we don’t think it is OK to ask men to enjoy sexual intercourse without orgasm. Why do we suggest that for women?” she asks.

There is nuance, though, because painting climax as a “goal” or a “gift” men must bring to their partners creates an uncomfortable sense of ego and responsibility in the bedroom.

“More focus on everyone’s pleasure and orgasm is absolutely a great thing,” says Rafe, however, “those socialised as men have grown up with the narrative that sexual prowess is a key factor in masculinity. The ego enters many sexual dynamics and this can increase performance anxiety, which can result in difficulty remaining present and a reduction of their own pleasure, difficulty getting and maintaining an erection, as well as sexual avoidance.”

On the flipside, women can feel the pressure to validate their partner’s effort by showing their pleasure, or even faking orgasms. While it’s great to strive for climax, sometimes it’s just not going to happen and that’s OK, too. “The irony of orgasm for many is that the more pressure we place on getting there, the harder it actually becomes,” Rafe explains.

“The reality for some vulva and vagina owners is that they are happy to enjoy sexual intimacy with their partners without necessarily achieving orgasm… A real or perceived pressure or expectation to orgasm for their partner can result in them saying no to sexual advances from their partner where they otherwise may have been interested in some sexual play, as well as sexual avoidance, and body shaming because they cannot experience orgasm easily.”

Rafe believes the answer is for each partner to be responsible for their own pleasure.

“This means that we are responsible for learning about what we need to have an orgasm (this can include context, environment, mood, arousal and touch/pleasure), and actually communicate with our partner what we want or need. Our partners are not mind readers, and if we don’t know about our own desire, arousal and pleasure, how on earth are they supposed to know?”

The compliment sandwich of telling your partner you won’t orgasm, rather than faking it

Communicating about not reaching climax has the potential to bruise the ego, but Rafe says it’s integral. Here’s how to do it

Be specific

Use phrases such as “I love it when you/we…”. Frame things you don’t like with a swap, “sometimes (the action) doesn’t feel as good as (something you like)”.

Talk history

If you know orgasm is sometimes difficult, voice it, and take away the pressure – which in turn can increase orgasmic potential.

Acknowledge physiology

Talk about how your body responds throughout the intercourse – including foreplay. Try saying, “I’ve learned that my body can take longer to warm up and get aroused than someone with a penis, can I tell you or show you what I know turns me on and feels amazing for me?”

Be honest about pressure

If you get in your head about an orgasm goal, move the goalposts. Explain it with, “I notice I can get in my head when it comes to having an orgasm, and when I do that, it makes it really difficult to get there. It would really help me get out of my head if we didn’t focus on having an orgasm every time”.

How to teach your partner to pleasure you

Dr Belton says the first step is to explore an orgasm for yourself. It doesn’t help that women masturbate less than men, with a Womanizer study finding on average, Aussie men will masturbate 139 times a year, compared with women at 79 times.

Then, explain it in detail. “Talking about needs and desires and explicit techniques before you are in the bedroom is helpful to remove that performance pressure for everyone,” she says.

Rafe agrees, adding, “You will need to be more specific than something like ‘clitoral stimulation’. Think about the specific type of touch, pressure, speed, consistency, patterns etc., that increase your pleasure.”

Some may find watching self-touch helpful. “If it feels too much to have them watch you front-and-centre, start with them lightly placing their hand over yours while you masturbate,” she says. “Many people find it super sexy to see someone self-touch, so remind yourself of this.”

Finally, Rafe recommends couples try out two different ‘goals’ in their sessions, one as a ‘practice’ (to learn and provide feedback) and the other as a ‘play’ (to take what you learned into a non-structured experience).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Medicines and Sex

— Not Always a Good Mix

By Chris Woolston

For both men and women, it takes a complicated chain of events to move from arousal to a satisfying orgasm. The mind has to stay focused, nerves have to stay sensitive, and blood has to flow to all the right places. Unfortunately, many things can break the chain — including, perhaps, the pills in your medicine cabinet.

Medicines often work by altering blood flow and brain chemistry, so its no surprise that they can affect sexual function, and not always for the better. Medications can shut down a person’s sex drive, delay orgasms, or prevent orgasms entirely. Medications are also a leading cause of erectile dysfunction in men.

If you’ve noticed a drop in your ability to have or enjoy sex, talk to your doctor about possible causes. Be sure to bring a list of every medication you’re taking. A simple change of drugs or doses could be all it takes. But never stop taking a prescription drug or change dosages on your own. Your doctor can help you determine if a drug you’re taking is the problem — and help you switch to another medication safely.

What drugs can affect sexual function?

SSRIs (antidepressants) You may have noticed that television ads for common antidepressants such as Paxil (paroxetine) or Zoloft (sertraline) mention “certain sexual side effects.” The full story is that for some people, SSRI antidepressants can put desire on hold and make it difficult to achieve orgasm. A study of nearly 600 men and women treated with an SSRI, published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy, found that roughly one in six patients reported new sexual problems. The number-one complaint? Delayed or absent orgasms. Many patients also reported declines in desire. Overall, men were more likely than women to report sexual problems while on SSRIs.

As reported in The American Family Physician, other studies have found that up to one-half of patients taking SSRIs have reported sexual problems. Study results vary depending on the patients studied and the questions asked, but the final message is the same: Sexual side effects caused by SSRIs are common.

If SSRIs are affecting your sex life, talk to your doctor. As reported in Current Psychiatry Reports, there are several options to get you back on track. Your doctor may suggest switching to Wellbutrin (bupropion), or another non-SSRI antidepressant that is less likely to cause sexual side effects. If your current medication is working well and you don’t want to make a switch, your doctor may want to lower the dose or give you a break from taking drugs. A few studies have suggested that men who develop erectile dysfunction while taking SSRIs may respond to Viagra (sildenafil), Cialis (tadalafil), or Levitra (vardenafil) added to their overall treatment plan.

Blood pressure medications

Many drugs that control high blood pressure — including commonly prescribed diuretics and beta blockers — can also put the brakes on a person’s sex life. The drugs can cause erectile dysfunction in men and, when taken by women, they can diminish sexual desire.

In many cases, the best way to overcome sexual problems caused by blood pressure medication is simply to switch prescriptions. ACE inhibitors and calcium antagonists seem less likely than diuretics or beta blockers to cause sexual side effects.

Keep in mind that not every blood pressure medication is right for every person. Your doctor will help you determine whether a different prescription would be the best option for you, and can recommend the right one for your particular circumstances.

Opioid (narcotic) painkillers Opioids such as morphine or OxyContin (oxycodone) do more than just ease pain. As an unfortunate side effect, the drugs can also reduce the production of testosterone and other hormones that help drive sexual desire in both men and women.

The sexual side effects of opioids haven’t been thoroughly investigated, but preliminary studies paint a disappointing picture. As reported in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism, a study of 73 men and women receiving spinal infusions of opioids uncovered widespread sexual problems. Ninety-five percent of the men and 68 percent of the women reported a drop in sex drive, and all of the premenopausal women either developed irregular periods or stopped menstruating completely.

If you think opioids might be undermining your sex life, ask your doctor if it’s possible to get similar pain relief from non-opioid medications. Even if you don’t quit opioids completely, merely cutting back could help you regain your spark. Your doctor may be able to suggest other methods of pain relief such as massage or biofeedback that will make it easier for you to scale back on your opioids. If blood tests show that you’re low in testosterone, your doctor may want to prescribe testosterone shots or patches to help rekindle your sex drive.

Antihistamines Even some over-the-counter drugs can affect your sex life. Antihistamines are a prime example. As reported by the Cleveland Clinic, these drugs can cause erectile dysfunction or ejaculation problems in men. For women, antihistamines can cause vaginal dryness.

This is only a partial list. Other drugs that can affect a person’s sex life include oral contraceptives, tricyclic antidepressants, antipsychotics, and cholesterol medications. You and your doctor should take sexual side effects seriously, but you should be able to find a way to restore sexual abilities and desires without compromising your treatment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Low Sex Drive?

It’s Not You, It’s the “Sex Recession”

Why desire and hookups are trending downward and what we can do about it

By Sarah Laing

There’s a recession afoot. Not the looming financial one that rising inflation and a bear market seem to grimly foretell, but another one that’s even more obvious to anyone who’s in a monogamous relationship with a vibrator named Bunny, or whose most exciting recent sexual encounter was watching Normal People back in the first lockdown.

We are, apparently, in the midst of a “sex recession.”

It’s been brewing for a while. The advent of dating apps, a seeming lifting of many taboos and the sheer convenience of hooking up in the era of DMs and Snapchat make it seem as though sex should be at an all-time high. But as early as 2018, young people were having less sex than any generation before them, according to writer Kate Julian’s research for her 2018 story in The Atlantic that coined the term. Then, people in their early 20s were 2.5 times more likely to be abstinent than Gen X-ers at a similar age, according to psychology professor Jean M. Twinge’s research, and older adults’ intercourse index was also in the red, with the average adult in 2014 having sex 54 times a year, down from 62 in the late 1990s.

That was before social distancing put an effective stop to in-person meet cutes, and we all spent two years in a groundhog day of our pre-existing sexual and romantic circumstances. There was a vague hopefulness that there might be a sexual silver lining to COVID—shacked-up couples would grow more intimate after all that one-on-one time, or dating would be “better” after all that alleged personal growth we’d been through. But, alas, the research indicates the pandemic may have accelerated the downward trend. A Kinsey Institute study found that 75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine. As for singles, a February 2022 survey by the Pew Research Center found 64 per cent said dating has gotten harder, and 56 per cent said it wasn’t worth it and that they’re off the dating market, up 6 per cent from 2019. This will come as no surprise to anyone who suffered through the supreme awkwardness of a video first date.

75 per cent of co-habitating couples reported their sex life “declined” during the 2020 quarantine.

“There’s been a lot of stress, loss and grief during this time,” says Shan Boodram, an intimacy educator and podcaster. “Many people have been forced into self-isolation and had a lot of time to think about their desired outcomes when it comes to sex and dating. People aren’t rushing and see value in taking the time to be careful and figure out what they want from potential partners.” Boodram is dating app Bumble’s resident sex and relationship expert, and she points to its recent stats showing that 40 per cent of Canadians have “changed their approach to sex in the last year,” with 17 per cent indicating that means adding in more steps to screen sexual partners. (Vaccine passports: Not just for restaurants, it would seem.)

“‘Social distancing’ was the consistent slogan for the past two years; we were encouraged to keep a tight social circle, and we were told that being around new people could put the ones that are closest to us in danger. It’s apparent why many people aren’t racing into new sexual experiences,” says Boodram. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, she notes. “This reluctance may not come out of fear but out of empowerment. People are more intentional about their romantic lives, and we’re even finding that people have become comfortable being on their own.”

The sex recession may also be attributable to something much bigger at play, especially if you’re in a heterosexual relationship. “Women partnered with men often have lower desire to be sexual with their men partners because of the ways heteronormativity pushes them and their men partners into a set of roles, cognitions and behaviours that are harmful and/or undermine the women’s desire,” says Dr. Sari Van Anders. She’s a professor of psychology, gender science and neuroscience at Queen’s University, and lead author of a recent paper about “the heteronormativity theory of low desire.”

Basically: The patriarchy is killing the vibe. Gender inequality’s consequences—women bear the the burden of housework, childcare and emotional labour; norms around men being the ones to initiate sex—make it much harder for a woman in a relationship with a man to desire sex with him. That’s not to say they’re not having sex, though, because as Van Anders points out, “people can have sex they don’t want, and want sex they’re not having.” 

Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in relationship with a man.

One of the key gender norms the study points to is how “we are all taught to see sex as something men do to women, and/or something women do to please men.” This affects how sex gets initiated between a man and a woman. “Women are taught to respond to men’s sexual initiations but not to initiate sex themselves, and are often punished or stigmatized when they don’t follow these ‘rules,’” Van Anders says. “Think [of the] pejorative usages of ‘slut’ or ‘frigid.’” Sex can feel like “a job requirement” for a woman in a relationship with a man.

Note that the focus here is on heteronormativity, not heterosexual men, “because it’s about how that system impacts us all,” clarifies Van Anders. “Neither heterosexual men nor heterosexuality are problems. Heteronormativity and the costs it places especially on women are the issue.” She adds that “there are also costs for men, not least in having women partners who often don’t want to be sexual with them.”

Like Boodram, Van Anders emphasizes that having low or no sexual desire “is and can be an unproblematic part of people’s existences” despite the way society often pathologizes it. “It’s like, ‘How do we get these women to do more of the sex their men partners want!?’” she says. “Almost none of this concern is about, for example, women’s desire to masturbate. It’s all in the context of having low desire to have sex with men, which is telling!”

It is a problem, however, when low desire is a symptom of structural inequality. Van Anders and her co-authors have some suggestions for this—and they come in the form of tips for men who want to be sexual with women. First, pay attention to gender inequities in household labour. Second, don’t put your partner “in a position where they have to be your mother.” (Think: picking up your socks, remembering important appointments.) Third, do your part in supporting women to be “full humans,” and not just “sexy, good times.” Fourth, put her “sexual pleasure and agency front and centre.”

If you’re not sure where to start with prioritizing your own sexual pleasure and agency, it’s time to do some reflecting. “Take stock of your whole life today and see how you feel about it. Now, envision your life where sex plays more of a role in your experience—how does that vision make you feel?” Boodram suggests. “If it excites you, look for the next natural step to getting there. Maybe that’s masturbation; perhaps that’s simply downloading Bumble and leaving it at that. However, if you don’t feel ready to explore connections that may lead to a new sexual partner, that’s completely okay! Take all the time you need, and when you’re ready to experiment with sexual activities again, you’ll feel it.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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All About Arousal

By Eleanor Hadley

Do you ever feel like you and your partner are on totally different wavelengths when it comes to sex? Hands up who can relate to this? You get home, see your girlfriend curled up on the couch. You feel horny, so you go over and start laying on the moves. But she’s not up for it and shuts you down. Again. You feel rejected and sexually frustrated. Why doesn’t she want sex?

What if I told you that the issue isn’t necessarily that she doesn’t want sex at all, or that she isn’t into you anymore. But instead, it’s all about context. A fundamental mismatch in libido is really common in relationships where one partner seems to always be horny at the drop of a hat, but the other doesn’t feel that same pull. There are a lot of factors that can impact our level of arousal and our desire for sex, and most of them fall into whether we are actively turned on or turned off.

In my work with women, some of the biggest concerns they come to me with is a lack of desire, connection to their pleasure, struggles with sex drive and mismatched libido with their partners. This all gets exacerbated of course if their male partner is pressuring them in any way, or making them feel like there’s something inherently wrong with them. They tell me they feel like they’re “broken”, that they need fixing or that there’s something wrong with them if they no longer feel like sex as much as they once did.

Understanding Arousal: The Car Analogy

Let’s think of our libido, our ‘sex drive’ like a car. We need a good balance between using the brakes and the accelerator, and it all depends on the situation as to which we need. Now, if we have our foot slammed on the brakes, no matter how much you rev the engine, the car won’t move, right? Similarly, the car won’t move by simply taking our foot off the brake without pressing down the accelerator. The same goes for arousal. In order for us to feel ready and excited for sex, we need to first take our foot off the brake, and then accelerate. Essentially, we need to turn off the things that turn us off and turn on the turn-ons.

Sounds simple right? Well, everyone’s brakes (what turns them off) and accelerators (what turns them on) are different. Not only do we all have unique and individual turn-ons and turn-offs, but the sensitivity of our brakes and accelerators will vary widely between people too. To have the best, most nourishing and pleasurable sex we can have, what we want to do is activate our accelerator AND deactivate our brakes. Let’s explore the difference between the two sexual arousal systems.

The Accelerator

The Sexual Excitation System (SES) is your sexual accelerator or your turn-ons. It’s in constant pursuit of pleasure, working below the level of consciousness and scanning the environment for sexually relevant stimuli. It looks for things in your sensory world – what you can see, smell, taste, touch, hear – and sends a message to your brain (and sometimes your genitals) to turn on.

Possible turn-ons could be things like:

  • Mood lighting
  • Seeing a partner’s naked body
  • Feeling desired by their partner (without pressure)
  • The smell of your lover’s fragrance
  • Sexy music
  • Seeing your lover in their element
  • Certain types of touch (sexual and non-sexual)
  • Eye contact
  • Deep conversation
  • Sex Toys
  • Imagined scenarios

The Brakes

The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is your sexual brake, or your turn-offs. This system is perpetually scanning your environment for possible threats and reasons not to be aroused because nobody wants a random boner at a family dinner, right? This system is incredibly important in our everyday life, but if our brakes are highly sensitive then they can hinder our sexual experience. This is why we want to do what we can to take our foot off the brakes when it comes time to get down. Our SIS can be split into two categories, internal and external.

Internal:

  • Body image insecurities
  • Performance anxiety
  • ‘Meaning’ (eg: are we dating?)
  • Being up in your head
  • Feeling distracted or rushed
  • Feelings toward the person
  • Not feeling seen or appreciated
  • Social consequences

External:

  • Harsh lighting
  • Fear of being caught
  • Concern around lack of protection/catching an STI
  • Fear of unwanted pregnancy
  • Temperature in the room
  • Messy environment
  • Safety in general (physical AND emotional)
  • Inappropriate context (eg a family dinner)

So, to be in a state of arousal is essentially to be able to turn on the ONs, and turn off the OFFs. But of course, whether you’re turned on or off will depend largely on the context. Everyone’s accelerators and brakes are different and have different levels of sensitivity, but these lists might give you more of an understanding of what your own turn-ons and turn-offs are so that you can share them with your partner. And similarly, discover what theirs may be.

So, the next time you’re wanting to get it on with your lover – pause and consider what you each might need in order to release the brakes and rev the engine. Enjoy!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Get Through a Dry Spell in Your Relationship

It’s completely normal, but it’s also important that you address it with your partner.

By Brianne Hogan

Everything seems better at the beginning of a relationship, but especially the sex. Impromptu romps in the sack are the norm as you and your partner are excited to explore each other’s bodies. You’re never too tired or bored either—you’re almost always in the mood.

But now you’ve hit a drought. Maybe you’re stressed and busy or maybe you’ve hit a rough patch with your partner and your timing is off. Whatever the reason, the sex is infrequent or has stopped altogether. It could be a few weeks or a few months or even a few years. Yep, you’re in the middle of the dry spell. Now what?

“Dry spells are completely normal whether you’re in a relationship or single, whether intentional or not. There will always be times in your life and relationships where you want to take a break from sex and that’s completely OK,” Aliyah Moore, a certified sex therapist, tells Lifehacker. “It all boils down to how you choose to respond to it as an individual and as a couple.”

A lot of the shame attached to having a dry season comes from the social construct on how much sex we should be having rather than focusing on what is right for our current situation.

And although dry spells happen within all relationships, according to Moore, many couples ignore the signs and don’t take the time to understand why it’s happening and how to remedy the situation. “If you avoid the problem and distance yourself from your partner, you’re just making it harder for the both of you to figure out how you can get back into the game,” she says.

While dry spells are completely normal and are nothing to be ashamed about, if your dry spell is bothering you, Moore provides insight on how to break out of it.

What causes a dry spell in a relationship?

“Dry spells often happen after the ‘honeymoon’ phase in relationships. This phase varies from couple to couple, but usually, this ‘euphoric’ stage in the relationship lasts a couple of months to two years,” Moore explains.

Once this phase ends, Moore says, couples start to see their partners for who they truly are—their imperfections, quirks, etc. “Some get annoyed by them and leave their partners, while some choose to stay and accept their partners despite their flaws.”

But then, for some, a long-term partner can also turn into a constant presence that often doesn’t make them very sexy.

“They become a part of your routine to the point that sex gets boring,” she says. “Plus, it no longer becomes a priority with everything else happening in life, like a new job or kids.”

Factor in partners being taken for granted and couples dealing with many major issues in their lives including everything from demanding jobs to family problems to health issues, and sex taking a back seat is very common for many couples.

Why sex is important in relationships

Maybe you’re thinking that a dry spell isn’t a big deal; that you can do without sex so long as you and your partner are still committed and sharing a life together. So why is sex necessary in our relationships?

“Sex is a vital part of life. Any sexual activity (solo or with a partner) offers many benefits to the person’s overall health and well-being,” Moore says. “In relationships, having sex increases the levels of intimacy, trust, and love between partners.”

Aside from increasing each other’s confidence levels in bed, according to Moore, sex between partners also empower couples to open up and be vulnerable to each other.

“Having regular sex improves a couple’s ability to perceive and identify their partners’ emotions. As a result, couples become better at expressing their feelings toward not only each other but also other people.”

Additionally, when a person orgasms from sex, the process triggers the release of the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which plays a vital role in creating a bond between partners.

Moreover, says Moore, most if not all couples feel more satisfied in their relationships when they can fulfill each other’s sexual desires. “Relationships tend to grow when partners can freely express themselves, as well as their sexual needs, desires, and even their fantasies.”

Figure out what’s causing the dry spell—and address it

First, you need to figure out why you’re not having sex as often or not having sex at all anymore. Dry spells happen for many reasons, ranging from minor problems (like being apart from your partner due to travel or job restrictions) to more serious ones (like trauma, health issues, or problems within the relationship).

“Taking a step back to assess the situation and identify the root cause makes it easier for all parties to understand the dry spell and remedy it,” Moore says, who suggests identifying and address these issues alone or with your partner. But either way, you must communicate to your partner next.

“I can’t stress the importance of being open with your partner enough. If you still haven’t learned the cause of your dry spell, you could discuss it and figure it out.”

If you have identified the potential cause, Moore says don’t wait for it to blow out of proportion without doing anything about it or talking about it. “Sharing your concerns and hearing what your partner has to say about them (and vice versa) may surprisingly resolve your dry spell issues. Moreover, communicating with your partner regularly helps you feel closer. Also, it relieves couples from talking to each other about anything—the good and the bad.”

So how do you broach such a subject? Moore cautions against starting the conversation with your partner if your emotions are high. “You’ll only end up saying hurtful things to them that you can’t take back and end up regretting.”

Also, try to avoid opening up this conversation when your partner just got home from work or is stressed because the conversation isn’t likely to be productive, and both of you will end up being more frustrated.

Once you find the best moment to talk to your partner, Moore recommends simply talking about how you feel without blaming or pointing fingers. “Don’t be afraid to say something in the present. Something like, ‘This has been a struggle for me.’ or ‘The past few weeks/months have really been hard for me because of…” And then express to your partner what you need right now. This approach allows couples to really express how they feel about the situation and with each other.”

It’s OK to take things slow

After having the dry spell conversation with your partner, Moore recommends taking things slow in the bedroom. “Don’t rush things, and don’t expect that you’ll immediately go from zero sex to five times a day.”

Instead, she suggests focusing on quality time and quality sex with your partner. “Make sure you have the right mindset, especially if lack of sleep, stress, or a demanding job is the root cause of the dry spell.”

What might also help reignite the spark is remembering how your courtship first started. “I’m talking about all the flirting and lovey-dovey things you did when you were still starting out as a couple (aka, the honeymoon phase),” Moore says. “Don’t be afraid to go back to basics. Go on a date, and make conversations. The touching part can always follow, as well as kisses, hugs, and cuddles. Savor the moment. Remember, each act shouldn’t always end up with sex. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable at the moment.”

If having sex feels right, Moore suggests initiating sex with words like, “Do you want to do something tonight?” or “do you want to play?”

Once things return to how they used to, Moore says don’t be afraid to experiment and explore different ways you can pleasure each other from time to time. “If you’ve reached this point in your relationship, you have to cultivate intimacy on a much deeper level. And by trying something new together, you’ll be surprising yourselves each time.”

Moore emphasizes it’s key to not expect that sex will be the same as it used to be when you started as a couple, because that can lead to disappointment for both of you.

“You have to remember that many things that have happened to you (or your partner) in the past contributed to the dry spell. Stress, lifestyle changes, and physical, emotional, and psychological factors are things you don’t easily resolve overnight. So again, take it slow and be patient with your partner.”

Moore says it’s important to focus on cultivating intimacy and a deeper connection with your partner without the pressure of making it all about sex all the time. “Do what’s comfortable for you at the moment. If you only feel like hugging or kissing one day, then feel free to do so. If you feel like doing it roughly the next day, so be it. And if you just feel like cuddling and talking about random things, do those, too. At the end of the day, it’s the bond you share with your partner that matters most.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!