Those days are OVER.
There’s no denying the statistical proof of an ‘orgasm gap’ between men and women, but while performing a climax might ease tensions in the short term, it won’t do much for your future pleasure.
We all remember that iconic scene from the 1989 hit film When Harry Met Sally, during which Meg Ryan’s character Sally sits in the middle of a crowded diner and fakes an orgasm.
When Harry, played by Billy Crystal, says he would know if a woman faked it, Sally responds, “All men are sure it never happened to them, and most women at one time or another have done it, so you do the math.” Thirty three years on, and women still face an orgasm gap.
A study in the Archives Of Sexual Behavior from the International Academy Of Sex Research found that heterosexual men were most likely to report they “usually- always” orgasm during sex (95 per cent), compared to 65 per cent of heterosexual women.
According to Christine Rafe, sex and relationship expert for Womanizer, there are a few patterns that could explain these statistics. “Many women have not learnt how to ask for what they want and need to orgasm,” she explains, adding that it is sometimes easier to fake it than explain why it isn’t happening. “A recent study found that the perceived ego of a sexual partner impacts the likelihood of faking orgasms.”
There is also the issue of a lack of education. “Society still perpetuates a narrative that penetrative sex is the most pleasurable… which does not align with what we know to be the anatomy of pleasure for a vulva and vagina owner. External clitoral stimulation is an essential part of orgasm for many vulva owners,” she says.
Rafe adds that pornography has its part to play, often misrepresenting climax for women.
“People describe being left feeling that there is something wrong with their body for not responding the way that bodies in pornography do.”
The burgeoning sexual wellness movement places greater awareness on the “orgasm” as a goal for both partners, which can encourage a healthy effort on both sides. Rafe says she has noticed a decrease in women faking orgasms in her practice.
But, is this growing awareness around “orgasm” a help or a hindrance?
Dr Suzanne Belton PhD, a medical anthropologist and midwife who worked closely with Dr Helen O’Connell (the Australian medical pioneer who first mapped the clitoris), celebrates these gains in recent times.
“It is possible for men and women to enjoy sensuality and sexual intercourse without orgasm. However, I find it interesting that we don’t think it is OK to ask men to enjoy sexual intercourse without orgasm. Why do we suggest that for women?” she asks.
There is nuance, though, because painting climax as a “goal” or a “gift” men must bring to their partners creates an uncomfortable sense of ego and responsibility in the bedroom.
“More focus on everyone’s pleasure and orgasm is absolutely a great thing,” says Rafe, however, “those socialised as men have grown up with the narrative that sexual prowess is a key factor in masculinity. The ego enters many sexual dynamics and this can increase performance anxiety, which can result in difficulty remaining present and a reduction of their own pleasure, difficulty getting and maintaining an erection, as well as sexual avoidance.”
On the flipside, women can feel the pressure to validate their partner’s effort by showing their pleasure, or even faking orgasms. While it’s great to strive for climax, sometimes it’s just not going to happen and that’s OK, too. “The irony of orgasm for many is that the more pressure we place on getting there, the harder it actually becomes,” Rafe explains.
“The reality for some vulva and vagina owners is that they are happy to enjoy sexual intimacy with their partners without necessarily achieving orgasm… A real or perceived pressure or expectation to orgasm for their partner can result in them saying no to sexual advances from their partner where they otherwise may have been interested in some sexual play, as well as sexual avoidance, and body shaming because they cannot experience orgasm easily.”
Rafe believes the answer is for each partner to be responsible for their own pleasure.
“This means that we are responsible for learning about what we need to have an orgasm (this can include context, environment, mood, arousal and touch/pleasure), and actually communicate with our partner what we want or need. Our partners are not mind readers, and if we don’t know about our own desire, arousal and pleasure, how on earth are they supposed to know?”
The compliment sandwich of telling your partner you won’t orgasm, rather than faking it
Communicating about not reaching climax has the potential to bruise the ego, but Rafe says it’s integral. Here’s how to do it
Be specific
Use phrases such as “I love it when you/we…”. Frame things you don’t like with a swap, “sometimes (the action) doesn’t feel as good as (something you like)”.
Talk history
If you know orgasm is sometimes difficult, voice it, and take away the pressure – which in turn can increase orgasmic potential.
Acknowledge physiology
Talk about how your body responds throughout the intercourse – including foreplay. Try saying, “I’ve learned that my body can take longer to warm up and get aroused than someone with a penis, can I tell you or show you what I know turns me on and feels amazing for me?”
Be honest about pressure
If you get in your head about an orgasm goal, move the goalposts. Explain it with, “I notice I can get in my head when it comes to having an orgasm, and when I do that, it makes it really difficult to get there. It would really help me get out of my head if we didn’t focus on having an orgasm every time”.
How to teach your partner to pleasure you
Dr Belton says the first step is to explore an orgasm for yourself. It doesn’t help that women masturbate less than men, with a Womanizer study finding on average, Aussie men will masturbate 139 times a year, compared with women at 79 times.
Then, explain it in detail. “Talking about needs and desires and explicit techniques before you are in the bedroom is helpful to remove that performance pressure for everyone,” she says.
Rafe agrees, adding, “You will need to be more specific than something like ‘clitoral stimulation’. Think about the specific type of touch, pressure, speed, consistency, patterns etc., that increase your pleasure.”
Some may find watching self-touch helpful. “If it feels too much to have them watch you front-and-centre, start with them lightly placing their hand over yours while you masturbate,” she says. “Many people find it super sexy to see someone self-touch, so remind yourself of this.”
Finally, Rafe recommends couples try out two different ‘goals’ in their sessions, one as a ‘practice’ (to learn and provide feedback) and the other as a ‘play’ (to take what you learned into a non-structured experience).
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