— Here’s What You Need to Be Talking About
By Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST
When sex fades within a romantic relationship, many people think the relationship is doomed to failure, and that may lead to distress, confusion, or an appointment with a sex therapist. But the truth is, there are many healthy reasons a couple may stop having sex. It may be due to illness, a change in physical ability, or other shifts that have an impact on sexual functioning or pleasure (for example, pregnancy or menopause). It can also happen when stress gets in the way for one or both partners, other parts of the relationship are taking priority, or a major life transition, such as having kids or taking care of a parent, takes up time and energy. Or it may be that one or both partners are on the asexuality spectrum or just not currently interested in being sexual. All are valid reasons.
If both partners are satisfied and happy, there’s no issue. The problem comes when one or both partners are distressed by the status quo. When that’s the case, the best place to start is to have a vulnerable and curious conversation about how each of you is feeling.
How to talk about one partner not wanting sex
Is it your partner who’s not interested in sex? Ask if they’re open to exploring what might be getting in the way. The block may be something that’s temporary or fixable—in which case, be patient and allow your partner lots of grace as they navigate through it. Remember, no one should be pressured or coerced into having sex. If you can hold space for your partner to go through phases of not craving sex—whether due to stress, fatigue, or something else—you may be able to prevent a temporary sexual slump from becoming a much longer state of being.
If it’s you who are not interested in sex right now, that’s OK. You never owe your partner sex. Try to have the same sort of open conversation about what’s blocking you—and ask for and expect the same sort of grace and space. No matter which person has lost interest, it’s smart to get specific about boundaries. Often people use “sex” and “intercourse” interchangeably, so it’s important to clarify the forms of sexuality, intimacy, or touch that still feel good and accessible to both of you. Are you each open to kissing and cuddling? What about caressing other body parts?
Also discuss nonphysical activities that help you feel super connected. Do you like to go on long walks together? Have deep conversations? Go to concerts? Upping the frequency of these activities will help keep the romance alive and give you a menu of ways to reach out to each other when you’re craving closeness.
Deciding what to do about sex as a couple
If one partner feels that their lack of interest in sex is a permanent state, the other person needs to respect that. For some couples, the answer is a nonmonogamous or open relationship—but for this to work effectively, both partners must agree that this is what’s best.
What if your honest conversation reveals that one partner’s desire for the other person has faded? That’s a good time to talk to a couples therapist. In any case, you’ll each have to decide whether a lack of sex or a difference in desire is a deal-breaker for you.
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