Category: Sex Education

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What Is Gender-Affirming Care?

By Mira Miller

  • Gender-affirming generally refers to the medical, psychological, and social support provided to individuals who are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive. to help align their gender identity with their outward appearance and improve their overall well-being.
  • This type of care can include socially transitioning by changing one’s name, pronouns or way of presenting; puberty blockers; gender-affirming hormone therapy; and gender-affirming surgeries.
  • At least 30 states have introduced or are considering laws that restrict access to gender-affirming care.

Gender-affirming care has been the subject of much debate in legislatures around the country in recent months, leading to countless misconceptions and myths about what it actually entails and who it’s for.< According to a report from The Williams Institute, 30 states had introduced or were considering laws to restrict access to gender-affirming care as of March 2023. The result is 146,300 transgender youth who have lost or are at risk of losing access to gender-affirming care. Several bans proposed in 2023 would also limit access to care for those up to age 26.

While misinformation on the subject abounds, it’s important to get the facts straight: Gender-affirming care is considered safe, effective, and medically necessary by the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, and the Endocrine Society.

“Gender-affirming care is considered life-saving,” said Rebecca Minor, MSW, LICSW, a gender specialist and therapist who provides gender-affirming care. “It plays a crucial role in improving the mental health, well-being, and overall quality of life for transgender, non-binary, and gender diverse individuals.”

What Does Gender-Affirming Care Involve?

Gender-affirming care refers to medical, psychological, and social support provided to individuals who are transgender, non-binary, or gender expansive, Minor explained. The goal of gender-affirming care is to assist individuals in aligning their sense of self with their outward appearance and to improve their overall well-being.

“Gender-affirming care means different things for different people,” Uri Belkind, MD, a pediatric medicine specialist who works in adolescent medicine at the New York-based LGBTQ+ health center Callen-Lorde, told Verywell. “It is not a specific process, but rather a collection of tools from which we can select to better fit the individual’s goals and needs.”

One aspect of gender-affirming care requires no medical intervention but instead involves transitioning socially. This may include changing one’s name and pronouns, and dressing or presenting in a way that affirms their gender identity, according to Sean Arayasirikul, PhD, an associate professor in residence of health, society, and behavior at the University of California, Irvine.

Beyond socially transitioning, there are three general medical options available when it comes to gender-affirming care, Belkind said, adding that some people may want or need all of them, while some may find happiness and well-being with only some. These include puberty blockers, gender-affirming hormone therapy, and gender-affirming procedures.

Puberty blockers are for younger patients who are entering puberty and are finding the changes their bodies are going through to be distressing. To access this kind of care, these patients must have shown insistent, persistent, and consistent identification with a gender that is different than their sex assigned at birth.

“This allows us to temporarily ‘pause’ these changes while the young person, with support from their family, further explores their needs and gains a better understanding of what is possible, medically speaking, and what it entails,” Belkind said.

Gender-affirming hormone therapy, on the other hand, refers to the process of using either estrogen or testosterone to promote certain physical changes and to inhibit others, Belkind said.

Gender-affirming procedures, both surgical and non-surgical, change certain physical characteristics that may not otherwise be modified with the use of hormone therapy. Belkind said these may include chest masculinization, facial feminization, permanent hair removal or hair grafting, and genital surgeries such as vaginoplasty or phalloplasty.

“One common misconception is that gender-affirming procedures are regulated only for trans and gender expansive people and that these procedures are experimental, lacking solid medical evidence,” Arayasirikul said.

In reality, cisgender people—or people who are not trans—also choose to undergo gender-affirming procedures to affirm their identity, Arayasirikul explained. This may include a breast augmentation, a mastectomy for gynecomastia, a hair transplant, a rhinoplasty, liposuction, facial fillers, or hormone therapy.

“These procedures and so many more are part of the health care of cisgender people,” Arayasirikul said. “Yet this same care is actively being criminalized for trans and gender-expansive people solely because they are different.”

Can People of All Ages Receive Gender-Affirming Care?

In states where gender-affirming care is not criminalized, trans youth can access puberty blockers to delay the onset of puberty and cross-sex hormones to develop their bodies in ways that align with their gender identity.

“Typically, gender-affirming surgeries are utilized by adults, not children,” Arayasirikul said.

And yet, much of the uproar surrounding gender-affirming care in the U.S. has been surrounding the subject of children undergoing surgery.

According to Belkind, some patients choose to start puberty blockers once puberty begins, while other patients may only begin to seek medical advice after puberty or much later into adulthood.

“It is important to note that, for children who strongly identify with a gender identity that is different from their sex assigned at birth, there are no medical interventions needed before puberty begins and only then do we consider the use of puberty blockers, if needed,” Belkind said.

Medical interventions always happen after a thorough evaluation of the patient’s needs, Belkind added.

Why Gender-Affirming Care Is Necessary

Gender-affirming care helps to reduce gender dysphoria, which is the distress an individual may experience when their gender identity does not align with their assigned sex at birth, Minor said.< “Gender-affirming care, such as hormone therapy or gender-affirming surgeries, can help alleviate gender dysphoria by allowing individuals to align their physical appearance with their gender identity” she said. “This reduction in distress and discomfort can have a significant positive impact on mental health and overall well-being.” Trans and gender-diverse individuals often face higher rates of mental health challenges, including depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation.1 Gender-affirming care, combined with mental health support, can help reduce these risks by providing individuals with the tools, resources, and interventions needed to alleviate distress and promote a positive self-image, Minor said.

According to one recent study, providing trans and non-binary youths aged 13 to 20 years with gender-affirming care, including puberty blockers and gender-affirming hormones, lowered their risk of developing moderate or severe depression by 60% and lowered suicidality by 73% over a 12-month follow-up.2

Another study found that gender-affirming surgeries were associated with a 42% reduction in psychological distress and a 44% reduction in suicidal ideation when compared with transgender and gender-diverse people who had not had gender-affirming surgery but wanted it.3

“Gender-affirming care allows individuals to express their gender identity authentically, promoting self-acceptance and improved self-esteem,” Minor said. “By aligning their physical appearance, social interactions, and personal identity, individuals can develop a stronger sense of identity and self-worth, leading to improved mental health outcomes.”

Additionally, gender-affirming care often includes support groups, peer networks, and counseling services that provide a safe and inclusive environment for individuals to connect, share experiences, and receive emotional support, Minor said. These social support systems, she said, are critical in combating feelings of isolation and promoting healthy relationships.

This kind of care can help combat the societal discrimination, stigma, and marginalization transgender and gender-diverse individuals often face. Minor said gender-affirming care can empower individuals to assert their rights, advocate for themselves, and challenge discriminatory practices.

“By affirming their gender identity, individuals can experience improved resilience, reduced psychological distress, and increased social acceptance,” she said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Are You Ready to Have ‘The Big Sex Talk’ With Your Teen?

— How to ensure the young adults in your life have the sexual health information they need.

By Ella Dorval Hall

As a parent, your child’s physical and emotional safety is likely your highest priority. While sexual health is a huge component of this, many parents don’t know how to support their teen’s sexual well-being. There’s a lot of misinformation out there, and oftentimes parents don’t feel as if they have the proper support to talk to their teens about sexual health. Enter “The Big Sex Talk,” or simply “The Talk.”

For many parents and caregivers, navigating topics such as puberty, sex and romantic relationships represents an intimidating and overwhelming element of parenting.

No matter where the hesitation lies, there are experts and research that’ll help you support your teen to make informed and healthy decisions about sexual health.

Why is it so important to have “The Talk” anyway?

Young people need accurate information about sex, whether oral, anal or vaginal sex, in order to make safe, healthy and informed decisions.

Extensive research indicates young people who do not have accurate information about their sexual health are more likely to experiment with sex at younger ages than ones who do.

Even some information is better than none. When teens are able to talk with a parent or caregiver about safer sex, they are less likely to have unprotected sex.

There is a wealth of research that shows talking to your teen about sex and healthy relationships is one of the most important elements to help them make informed and healthy decisions.

However, there is an overwhelming amount of misinformation about sexuality on the internet, particularly on social media. This is something both Gabrielle S. Evans, MPH, CHES, a sexuality educator and researcher based in Houston, and Clarissa Herman, a Minnesota-based social, emotional, and sexual health educator for emerging teenagers, are well aware of.

“Talking to your teen about sex is important because without receiving information from you, it’s likely that they’ll encounter false and unsafe information about sex on social media, which can lead to making decisions that they do not understand the outcome of,” Herman explained.

“Add this to the fact that sex education in school has decreased since the 1990s, and we have a major problem,” she added. “It’s really important to talk to your teen about what is healthy, what is normal, what is safe. And what is going to happen when they don’t have good reliable sources for that information in their schools like they used to, or from their care providers? Their main source is social media.”

In addition, having conversations with your teen about sexual contact shows them you are a trusted person they can come to, Evans noted.

“Research has been telling us for decades that teens prefer to get information about sex from their parents and other trusted adults in their lives,” said Erica M. Butler, M.Ed., founder of Happ E. SexTalk, LLC in Columbus, Ohio, and creator of HAPPERMATIONS, sex-positive affirmation cards for toddlers. “The disconnect is that parents don’t know how to talk about it (or don’t want to) and teens definitely don’t know how to bring it up without feeling like they’ll get in trouble.”

How do you prepare to have ‘The Talk?’

If you’re at a loss for words, you’re not alone. Talking about sex can prove challenging, uncomfortable and overwhelming. When many parents today recall if they received accurate and adequate information about sex and healthy relationships from their own parents as a teen, the overwhelming response is: no.

It can be hard to know how to handle these conversations when you have no personal experience with your own parents or caregivers. And it can also be difficult if your own discomfort about sex is because it was ignored or not treated respectfully in your household growing up.

We asked experts how parents can best prepare to have “The Talk” with their teens:

1. Start with yourself

“I always tell parents to start with themselves,” said Rosalia Rivera, a consent educator and child sexual abuse prevention specialist in Canada. “I encourage them to reflect and journal on their own beliefs, values and ideas about sex and relationships.”

Butler said parents need to think back to their years as a teen and how topics connected to sex were addressed in their family.

“Did they feel supported or like they could ask questions openly? How did that make them feel and how would they want to change that for their teen?” Butler said. “The more we can unlearn our own shame and guilt through our experiences, the better equipped we’ll be to have these conversations with our kids.”

2. Do the research

“Parents and caregivers can prepare themselves for this conversation by first making sure the information they provide is accurate,” Evans said.

Having accurate information, as well as age-appropriate information, is crucial, and there are a number of ways you can ensure this.

Herman recommends starting with an internet search.

“A parent or caregiver can prepare themselves for this conversation by doing the ‘poking around’ on the internet that their teenager can’t do,” Herman said. “Teenagers don’t know how to sift through good information or bad information. So a parent or caregiver can hop [online] and do this for them.”

3. Find additional resources

In addition to finding accurate, age-appropriate information on the internet, there are several organizations and adolescent sexual health professionals who have resources designed specifically to help parents and caregivers talk with their teens about sex.

Sex Positive Families, for example, offers workshops on puberty and other sexuality topics. They also have an entire library of resources that can be filtered by topic, age and type.

Amaze.org is another popular organization that provides parents with the tools and evidence-informed information they need to have conversations about sex with their teens.

Additionally, there are sexuality professionals such as Herman, Rivera and Butler, or Nadine Thornhill, Ed.D., for example, who are all specialized in helping caregivers support their teens with accurate information about sex and relationships.

4. Be willing to say ‘I don’t know’

While having accurate information to share with your teen is important, you don’t need to know everything. Before you try to learn about adolescent sexual health, remember it’s OK, and fairly important to admit when you don’t have the answer.

“Be OK with not knowing the answer to their question,” Butler said. “It’s impossible to know everything and remember you didn’t get great sex ed while growing up either, so there’s a lot we don’t know.”

Herman also stressed how important this is. If your teen asks you a question you don’t know the answer to, or you’re unsure how to explain it best, she said, “It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t know but I want to find out together.'”

5. Remember, ‘The Talk’ isn’t just one talk

While many caregivers would be relieved if just one conversation about sex and healthy relationships was enough, that’s not the case. Preparing your teen to make informed, healthy and safe decisions about sexuality and relationships takes more than a single conversation.

“People like myself who specialize in adolescent sexual health education, are really trying to move away from the entire concept of having ‘The Talk’ because having one talk is going to be uncomfortable, awkward, really weird and maybe not effective depending on the relationship they have with their kid,” Herman said.

“[Your teen] might get so dysregulated that they have to check out of the conversation. And you get so uncomfortable that nothing really happens. So people like myself, who are specialized in adolescent sex education, are really encouraging parents to start conversations early, have them often, keep them brief and keep them casual.”

For example, Herman said, you can have a brief and casual conversation by noticing something on TV or in a magazine and saying “What do you think about that?”

“Maybe you see a picture on social media of somebody wearing period underwear and you ask your kids ‘Hey, do you know about period underwear?’ or ‘What do you know about periods so far?’ and you talk for five minutes and then you move on,” Herman said.

6. Understanding ‘The Talk’ isn’t solely about sex

In addition to having more than one “talk,” it’s vital to remember these conversations aren’t just about sex. Parents and caregivers often think “The Talk” means teaching your teen strictly about STDs/STIs and pregnancy.

While these topics are important, they are small elements of what it means to provide your teen with adequate and accurate information to make healthy decisions about sex and relationships.

When parents and caregivers believe conversations are limited to just STDs/STIs and pregnancy, it can make the conversation feel even more intimidating and uncomfortable.

Prepare your teen with the information they need, which includes talking about topics such as rejection, how to understand your body boundaries and communicate them, learning what safe and unsafe touch is, puberty, breakups and internet safety.

7. Learn to stay calm

Giving your teen the information they need to succeed and create safe, healthy relationships and sexual experiences isn’t just about the facts you share, it’s also about how you share them.

“The No. 1 strategy I would recommend for a parent or caregiver preparing to have this conversation is to make sure that they themselves go into the conversation calm and regulated,” Herman said. “People are very sensitive, and kids especially are really sensitive to the energy you’re putting out.

“If you’re stressed out, if you’re radiating anger or fear, or defensiveness, they’re going to pick up on that. They’re going to start responding to that even before anyone has exchanged any words. So, do what you need to do to make sure that your body and your brain and your breath are calm before you go into that conversation.”

Go for a walk, practice deep breathing or call a friend and vent, Herman recommended. Taking an honest look at your own attitudes about sexuality, as Rivera and Butler mentioned, will help with this, too.

If you enter the conversation with your own discomfort about periods because you haven’t processed how periods were talked about in your household growing up, your teen will hear that in whatever you decide to tell them.

Take the time to journal, talk to a friend, or work with a coach or therapist. The goal is to enter conversations with your teen in a way that’s not defensive or guarded. Your script should be regulated, but allow for curious teens to ask whatever questions they have.

In fact, for some parents, it can be a relief to know the most important thing isn’t always knowing the facts or having the answer, but bringing a non-judgmental and open attitude to the conversation.

While topics like sex and relationships can be an intimidating and overwhelming element of parenting, start by taking a look at the feelings that arise for you as you’re finding the resources and information you need to feel prepared.

Your teen needs accurate information about sex and an open, non-judgmental attitude in order to make informed, safe and healthy sexual decisions. You may end up enjoying how close this process allows you to become with your teen, especially as they start to share other aspects of their lives, hoping for your input.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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When the Sex Is Good

— Ways to Avoid Unsatisfying Sex

It’s time we all elevated our sex lives to the next level.

By Ally Sweeten

You’re about to have a sexual encounter. All the elements seem to be in place, and you have high hopes. But in its aftermath, you may be forced to face an unfortunate reality.

The sex simply wasn’t very good.

Shuffling away and feeling unsatisfied or perhaps put off entirely, you can’t help but wonder how things could have gone wrong. You want to get to when the sex is good.

It’s 2023 and sex is everywhere—in advice columns, social media and woven into every aspect of our daily lives. There’s a good chance you’ll find overt or covert sexual tones in almost anything and everything. Yet despite this vast pool of information at our fingertips, people continue to have “bad” sex.

How is it possible?

Attitudes about sex over time

Over the years, societal perspectives on quality sex have undergone major generational shifts. What would have been acceptable to our grandparents may not be the case today, as society has shifted its priorities.

“Outdated beliefs would have looked at sex as a marital obligation, which does not consider pleasure and assumes sex to be more of a perfunctory role. This also continues patriarchal beliefs, which are changing,” said Lauren Muratore, an accredited sexologist and the director of Integrated Sex+Relationship Therapy in Melbourne, Australia. “A good sexual experience is also slowly shedding the social, religious, gender and media constructs that influence how people feel about their sexuality.”

She added that there is currently momentum provided by a sex-positive movement in which people are ultimately given the ability to have sex in a consenting, safe, healthy, pleasurable way whenever they feel like it. That consent education is a major shift in itself.

“What pleasure looks like can change each sexual experience; therefore, assuming consent regardless of how long you have known someone is not helpful,” she said. “Consent is sexy and having a voice to communicate sexual pleasure brings greater satisfaction.”

People need to create a safe place where all topics around sex can be exchanged positively and respectfully, according to Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and CEO/co-founder of the sexual wellness and intimate products website Bloomi.

“It’s crucial to ask for and obtain consent from your partner(s) in any sexual relationship or encounter,” she said. “Your body and sexuality belong only to you and no one else.”

Furthermore, she noted that the focus is shifting from orgasming to the giving and receiving of intimate moments and pleasure, without the pressure of reaching a climax. She believes there’s no such thing as “bad” sex because problems can be fixed with mutual communication and understanding.

Plus, there may be extenuating circumstances making sex insufficient, which have nothing to do with the actual act, such as stress, prior experiences, and cultural or religious conditioning.

“As such, ‘bad’ sex can be all situations where individuals aren’t receiving emotional or physical satisfaction, where one partner is selfish, and where there is no connection or compatibility between partners,” she explained.

Conversely, Muratore cautioned against seeing “good” sex as a one-size-fits-all approach. The spectrum of sexuality, including asexuality, is relevant.

‘Good’ and ‘bad’ sex today

Our access to sexual content has exploded, but it’s not enough to completely eradicate unsatisfying sex. A survey carried out in 2021 by OnePoll revealed 1 in 5 Americans have experienced more than 10 awful sexual encounters, and 2 in 5 have gone as far as to stop in the middle because the experience was so unpleasant. Established couples weren’t immune, either: half admitted their current partner was the worst sexual partner they’d had.

The quantity of information is part of the problem. It can be so overwhelming that people opt out of reading at all, said Debbie Rivers, a relationship coach in Australia. Instead, they learn from porn, which Rivers said is far from realistic and can warp their views on sex, particularly for men.

“Reading information is quite different from experiencing it, and people often don’t know what they don’t know, especially if they have never experienced what good sex actually is,” she said.

Acknowledging gender disparities is important, as well, as sexual encounters vary for each.

“Often, we think that people see and experience the world as we do, and that isn’t true here,” Rivers explained. “We project how we are onto other people.”

Story pointed to the changing goals of sex.

“Nowadays, sex is seen as a critical element of broader wellness and well-being, and essential for a person’s mental, emotional and physical health,” she said.

Rivers and Story agreed that the pros of a healthy sex life can:

  • Improve connections to others and lead to more intimate relationships
  • Improve self-confidence and willingness to try new sexual activities
  • Increase romantic gestures (gifts, dates, vacations, displays of affection and telling each other “I love you”)
  • Improve your immune system and lower blood pressure
  • Reduce stress, anxiety and depression

With all those benefits, finding out why you aren’t enjoying sex is worth investigating. One way to do this is through masturbation and self-exploration.

Taking the time to become familiar with your body provides a no-pressure atmosphere to discover likes and dislikes, which you can then relay to your partner. Further, self-pleasure can lead to higher self-esteem and increased libido, Story said.

Talk dirty to me

Experts noted that the process of transforming “bad” sex into “good” sex relies on interpersonal communication with your partner. The degree to which couples are comfortable sharing is subjective, and it’s never OK to assume your partner is agreeable to divulging information.

For example, Rivers wondered how you might feel if you discovered your partner was telling their friends how bad you were in bed. The odds are your reaction might be less than stellar.

“The one person that you should be talking to is your partner, as they are the only ones with the ability to change the situation. Sometimes, it can be easier to be naked than to be emotionally vulnerable,” she said.

Discuss your values and boundaries and avoid comparing yourself to others.

“Every couple has a different sex life with a different meaning, a different script and a different frequency,” Muratore explained. “Once you start comparing yourself to those around you, people often feel inadequate and it sets up false expectations for your own relationship. If you want to share how you feel, speak to a friend who can listen to your feelings with empathy, without expectations that they’ll solve your problems.”

If you feel sexually unfulfilled, speak up. Muratore, Rivers and Story all recommended waiting for the right time—namely, not before, during or after sex—to bring up the topic.

Be open and build trust slowly. Focus on the positives, such as what you like, want more of or want to try. This will allow your partner to be more receptive to hearing you out. Avoid absolutes—”you always” or “you never”—and accusations. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

Rivers also suggested giving a blame-free lighthearted sex review the following day.

The most important thing to remember is that it takes two to tango. After a sexual encounter, both of you should walk away feeling sexually gratified, so take the time to learn your partner’s likes and preferences, too.

“Sex is an important aspect of a relationship,” Muratore said. “However, each person’s sex needs to be considered.”

Story noted that it’s never too late to start having open conversations about sex with your partner.

“By sharing fantasies, likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn about each other and create the best possible experience for all,” she said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Let’s talk about sex

— And about asexuality, too

5 books explore why we don’t have to tolerate ‘bad sex,’ and what it means to have loving connections with no sex at all

By Julie Kliegman

Sex therapist Ruth Westheimer once said, when asked about the possibility of a “sex recession”: “Here is an activity that is free, here … is an activity that makes people happy, and what’s the matter with all of you not to engage in it?” Like Dr. Ruth’s dozens of books, most literature on the topic presumes that sexual attraction and desire do, in fact, exist in everyone, that sex is therefore a critical part of everyone’s life, and that there must be something wrong with people who don’t have it. Self-help resources like “The Joy of Sex,” mountains of Cosmopolitan tips and even the work of popular queer writers like Dan Savage focus on how to parlay that attraction and desire into satisfying, meaningful sex. There is something of a Freudian quality at play: the pervasive idea that sex is a critical part of fostering intimacy and personal attachment.

But for many, that’s not reality. “It’s almost like there’s a slow-moving unorganized sex strike of people who can’t find good partners or don’t desire relationships and are just opting out instead,” one 28-year-old tells Maria Yagoda in “Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop” (St. Martin’s, $27). Yagoda’s fresh book is the latest entry in a subgenre that seeks to illuminate why people may not be enjoying the sex they’re having or, in some cases, why they might be choosing not to have sex at all.

“Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop” by Maria Yagoda

In “Laid and Confused,” Yagoda chronicles her quest to understand why she and Americans writ large have historically consented to unsatisfying sex. It excels as creative reportage, as Yagoda — who briefly quotes me in her book as a source on asexuality — gamely chats with sex therapists and sex toy creators alike. She keeps an open mind about improvement in her own life and offers tips to readers who may be in the same boat.

Editor and sex columnist Nona Willis Aronowitz explores similar themes in her 2022 book, “Bad Sex: Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution” (Plume, $28), a multigenerational memoir and manifesto that weaves together her own thoughts and feelings around sex and romance with those of her late mother, the feminist writer Ellen Willis. Specifically, Aronowitz recounts her marriage and divorce, including her reluctance to break up with her husband (in part) on the basis of what she considered bad sex.

“Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chen

The books of Yagoda and Aronowitz both veer far away from what is more traditionally considered “sex writing.” And three more books, all by asexual authors and published since the start of the pandemic — “Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chen (Beacon, $26.95), “Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture” by Sherronda J. Brown (North Atlantic, $17.95, paperback) and “Sounds Fake but Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else” by Sarah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca (Jessica Kingsley, $19.95, paperback) — show that when it comes to consensual, partnered sex, voicing displeasure is slowly becoming more accepted.

In “Ace,” Chen, an acquaintance of mine in ace — short for “asexual” — circles, dives into what life is like for people who do not experience sexual attraction, but also how asexuality can be used as a framework for reevaluating all types of platonic and romantic relationships, as well as one’s sense of self. In a particularly compelling chapter, she challenges the way most people, consciously or not, arrange their lives around a hierarchy in which romantic and sexual relationships, especially marriages, are valued above all else, emotionally and legally.

Asexuality (albeit often known by other names) is not a new orientation by any stretch — in fact, evidence of people’s lack of sexual attraction goes back centuries. But in the digital era, asexuality has gained more recognition, in part because of Julie Sondra Decker’s 2014 book, “The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality” (Skyhorse, $16.99, paperback). Chen, Brown, Costello and Kaszyca all build off Decker’s resource to present a more nuanced way of thinking about sex. The proliferation of these and similar books is also a long-overdue acknowledgment by the publishing world that topics related to asexuality and the deprioritization of sex will interest asexual and allosexual readers alike.

“Bad Sex: Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution” by Nona Willis Aronowitz

As Brown’s title, “Refusing Compulsory Sexuality,” indicates, questioning and ultimately casting aside “compulsory sexuality” is a huge theme of their work. The term is a riff on “compulsory heterosexuality,” the idea that societal norms force a politically constructed heterosexuality on everyone from birth — those who identify as straight and those who know they don’t fit that bill. “Asexuality exists as a refusal of compulsory sexuality, in defiance of cisheteropatriarchal mandates, and as an opportunity to deeply interrogate how sexual scripts connect with and inform conceptions of gender and race,” Brown writes. Their book pays particular attention to the way Black people are cast aside or maligned in conversations about (a)sexuality, and how the very idea of sexuality in the West is interlaced with anti-Blackness and white supremacy. Most public leaders of the asexual movement are White, but there’s room aplenty within the aspec lens (aspec is short for “asexual spectrum”) to broaden our understanding of who can be ace (anyone) and who in the community faces the most oppression (Black people, especially those who are gender-nonconforming).

As Costello and Kaszyca, creators of a podcast called “Sounds Fake but Okay,” write in their conversational book of the same name, the aspec lens is in part about “decentering the romantic-sexual relationship in our broader conversations about human connection.” It considers the flaws of putting romantic and sexual attraction at the top of our collective and personal hierarchies of needs, even at the expense of biological and chosen family, platonic friendships, and self-care. The aspec lens, Costello and Kaszyca warn, can make everything seem tinged with hopelessness, but it also offers a way to see our surroundings as they can be: beyond what was dictated in sex education classes, modeled by family members or portrayed in pop culture.

By questioning why we go through the motions of sex we don’t find rewarding, we can start to demystify the grip that compulsory sexuality has over our lives. Whether or not the readers who pick up these titles are asexual, there’s a lot to be learned about the merits of taking a step back from sex to reevaluate its place on a societal — and, in many cases, a personal — pedestal.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything to Know About Gender-Neutral Terms and How to Use Them

— “Gender-neutral language is honestly an easy way to show respect and acceptance to everyone we come into contact with.”

By Jamie Ballard

The language we use when we’re speaking to and about people is significant. It can impact how we see others, how we see ourselves, and how people are treated in workplaces, social settings, classrooms, places of worship, and just about everywhere else. As we strive for a more inclusive world, one small thing you can do is to try practicing gender-neutral language and using gender-neutral terms.

“Gender-neutral language in and of itself is not a new concept, it has just become more of a topic of conversation as we strive to be more inclusive and accepting of all populations,” explains Jillian Amodio, social worker and founder of Moms for Mental Health.

To use gender-neutral terms is to recognize that “society has a way of gendering just about everything,” as Amodio puts it, and to find alternative ways to say or write things. For example, instead of addressing a group of people as “ladies and gentlemen,” you might try saying “everyone,” “colleagues,” “attendees,” “students,” or another term that makes sense in the context. One big reason for doing this is to ensure that non-binary or gender nonconforming people are recognized and included. You might be familiar with the idea of sharing your pronouns, and using gender neutral terms is another way to be inclusive.

Gender-neutral language can be beneficial for everyone, regardless of how they identify. Here’s everything to know about gender-neutral language and how you can incorporate it in your daily life.

gender spectrum collection using gender neutral language
Using gender neutral language is one way to ensure that everyone feels respected.

What are some examples of gendered language and some gender-neutral alternatives?

“Given that our society has for so long been built on gender norms and stereotypes, the division by gender has become ingrained in many aspects of daily living,” notes Amodio. You might find yourself assuming that a teacher, nurse, or daycare provider is female and a mechanic or construction worker is male. But obviously, that’s not always the case. One reason we might associate certain jobs as being “male” is because they often end with “-man,” such as “fireman,” “postman,” “congressman” and so forth. Instead, you could use descriptors that don’t assume gender, such as “firefighter,” “postal worker” or “mail carrier,” and “congressperson” or “member of Congress,” for example.

“When referencing someone or a group of people just ask yourself if there are words you can replace to be more inclusive,” Amodio explains.

Beyond job titles, there are other commonly-used phrases that tend to make assumptions about gender. Here are a few examples, along with gender-neutral terms you could use instead.

  • Boys and girls — instead, consider using children, kiddos, or everyone
  • Ladies and gentlemen — instead, consider using folks, everyone, students, or colleagues
  • Councilman/Councilwoman — instead, consider using councilperson
  • Husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend — instead, consider using partner, significant other, or spouse
  • Mother or father — instead, consider using parent
  • Niece or nephew — instead, consider using nibling
  • Man-made — instead, consider using artificial or machine-made
  • Pregnant woman or mother-to-be — instead consider pregnant person, expectant person, or birthing parent
  • Freshman — instead consider first-year student

To be clear, it’s not necessarily insensitive to use a gendered phrase that you feel applies to you, such as “I’m a mother of two” or “My wife and I liked that movie.” However, when you’re speaking to others, particularly in a group, it’s more inclusive to use gender-neutral phrasing like “parents” or “partners” since it doesn’t assume anyone else’s gender identity or sexuality. Plus, using gender-neutral language in reference to yourself and others can also be a way to signify that you are supportive and respectful of all identities.

Why is it important to use gender-neutral language?

“By using gender neutral language we are also not assuming that we know someone’s identity,” says Amodio. “The terms which people use to express their gender and gender identity can vary based on personal preference and what feels right to each individual. Some people are not ‘out’ publicly in terms of how they identify, and gender-neutral language is honestly an easy way to show respect and acceptance to everyone we come into contact with.”

She also notes that in some situations — such as a teacher addressing a new group of students or an employee speaking at a conference or meeting — you may not know the people you’re communicating with. In these cases, “gender-neutral language would be the best option by default,” Amodio says.

gender spectrum collection using gender neutral language
You may not always know the gender of who you are communicating with, so gender-neutral language can be the best option.

Should I say something when I hear other people using gendered language?

“We don’t have to be the language police, but if someone uses the wrong pronouns, a gentle correction is perfectly fine,” Amodio says. “If colleagues are addressing people in gendered terms, perhaps suggesting neutral terminology will be of benefit.”

What are some other ways I can support people who have diverse gender identities?

In addition to being thoughtful about the way you speak and write, there are plenty of meaningful ways you can support people who are non-binary, gender nonconforming, or have other gender identities. You can donate to organizations advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, such as The Trevor Project or the Human Rights Campaign. You can also make it a point to shop at businesses owned by LGBTQ+ people and at businesses that donate a certain amount of their profits to LGBTQ+ advocacy organizations. You can also look to local LGBTQ+ organizations and activists in your community and support them by donating, volunteering, spreading the word about their work on your own social media, or finding another way to get involved.

Lastly, don’t underestimate the impact of your words. Using gender-neutral language, sharing your pronouns in a work meeting, and being vocal about your support of LGBTQ+ people are all ways that you can be supportive.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual Health Is Mental Health

— Comprehensive sex ed is key to supporting youth mental health development.

Marchers with Bans off my Body signs during the Pride March in New York City in March 2022.

BY

May is Mental Health Awareness Month—a time to share knowledge and bust stigma around mental health issues and empower our communities to take greater care of themselves and each other. As a youth sexuality educator, I have seen firsthand how comprehensive sex education that teaches young people healthy sexuality and communication, boundary-setting and consent is key to youth mental health and development.

I first got involved with Planned Parenthood as a volunteer for their Community Action team in Nashville. After working as a sex educator at Vanderbilt University, I joined Planned Parenthood’s Sex Education Training series in a state known for being difficult when it comes to amplifying sexual and reproductive health and education. After being exposed to all the possibilities that sex education can create for people, it didn’t take me long to realize that Planned Parenthood has its finger in the pulse when it comes to advancing the reproductive and sexual justice movement. I wanted to get involved in whichever capacity I could, so I asked to work with Planned Parenthood of Greater New York.

Today, I get to give workshops and interact with teenagers about interpersonal relationships, reproductive health, safe sex, STI prevention, consent and even relationship management strategies. I have gotten to see the way sexual health competency influences the mental, emotional and physical health of young people specifically. Evidence-based research shows how a better understanding of their bodies and sexuality can have profound positive effects on a young person’s mental health, but even though we have the data, there is so much work that still needs to be done.

Young people who receive comprehensive sex education are better at maintaining a balanced sexual and mental health.

In my everyday work, it’s very common for me to hear young people talk about the first time they experience jealousy, shame, excitement or even love. In those moments of openness, I can teach young people healthy strategies to respond to these very human emotions, and how their response can set healthy relationships and a safer experience for everyone.

Because age-appropriate, comprehensive sex education for our youth is not a requirement in our current education system, most teenagers—especially those in disenfranchised communities of color—still hold on to deeply troubling, outdated ideas about what is happening in their bodies. They believe that their development is not normal or shouldn’t be happening at all.

For those of us in the sex education field, it is common to have a holistic approach to our practice. In the classroom, we don’t just quiz young people on STIs. We go deeper, asking how they would feel if someone they knew was diagnosed with HIV, or how they would approach talking about a diagnosis with a partner. We explore the difficulties around discussing safe sex, and the reasons why it can make someone feel anxious or avoidant.

According to a study by the Guttmacher institute, the feeling-while-learning strategy improves confidence, teaches teenagers interpersonal relationship skills, coping strategies, to speak up when violence or abuse might be happening, how to advocate for themselves and others, how to manage problematic partnerships, and how to reduce shame, stigma and general feelings of discomfort around sex. The research shows that young people who receive comprehensive sex education are better at maintaining a balanced sexual and mental health.

By talking about sex with young people, we not only create a trust-based system that allows us to better guide them when making decisions, but we empower them with the tools and knowledge that could have life-altering outcomes for their futures. By receiving age-appropriate sex and emotional education, young people gain a wealth of knowledge, attitudes, skills and values to make healthier choices in their sexual and reproductive lives, which can help them gain an increased awareness of an already universal human experience and in exchange, have a happier life.

I’m still here today because I believe the educational work I get to do daily could have profound consequences for the betterment of all our communities. But I can’t continue to do my job the best way possible until comprehensive, age-appropriate sex education is expanded, protected and codified into law. Sexual health is mental health, and the only way we can stop the epidemic of youth self-harm and deteriorating mental health that has invaded the lives of our young people is by giving them the kind of education and resources they deserve.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Does Penis Size Actually Matter?

By Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

What’s the short answer?

No, penis size doesn’t matter — at least not in terms of desirability or function.
Its size has zero bearing on its ability to give and receive pleasure or do any of what it’s supposed to do.

That’s not to say that some people don’t prefer a bigger or smaller one, but that’s a matter of perceived preference, kind of like pineapple on pizza. To each their own.

Need some reassurance — or better yet, proof? Read on.

Bigger isn’t necessarily better

Contrary to the bull you might hear in the locker room or media, a bigger dick isn’t everything.

Bigger-than-average penises have been associated with a higher risk of injury and infection.

Extra length can also make some positions especially painful.

Too much girth can cause tearing if you’re not careful, especially during anal sex. Then there’s the whole choking and gag reflex to contend with during oral.

Of course, there are ways around these things, but it just goes to show that having a huge D isn’t all that.

Smaller isn’t necessarily bad

A smaller D is automatically easier to handle, which means all involved can focus on pleasure rather than pain or trying to figure out how the eff you’re gonna get THAT in there.

It’s certainly easier for fitting in the mouth. And when it comes to anal, a smaller peen is basically top dog.

Like any size penis, any perceived shortcomings are easily — and enjoyably — rectified with the right position.

And average is, well, smaller than you probably think

Most people with penises — around 85 percent — overestimate what average is when it comes to dick size and are convinced everyone else is packing something a lot beefier.

Here’s a dose of reality based on the most recent stats on schlong size:

  • The average penis length is 3.6 in (9.1 cm) when flaccid and 5.2 in (13.1 cm) when erect.
  • Girth-wise, the average flaccid penis measures 3.66 (9.31 cm) around and 4.59 (11.66 cm) in while erect.

To be clear: Size has nothing to do with stamina

You can be hung like the proverbial stallion and still lack stamina in the sack.

A big dick won’t last longer than a smaller one or keep you from running out of steam or cumming faster than you’d like.

It doesn’t affect fertility, either

If you’ve got baby-making on the mind, the last thing you need to do is stress about your size.

For starters, sperm is produced in the testicles — not the penis. Plus, there’s evidence that stress can reduce sperm quality and affect fertility.

FYI, stress can also put a kibosh on sexual pleasure, boners, and negatively impact your overall health.

The only thing size can do is affect your game — for better or worse

Peen size can totally affect your game, but how comes down to you.

Learn how to make the most of what you’ve got and all the other ways there are to give pleasure and you’ll be a rockstar. Focus on size alone and you’ll flop — literally and figuratively.

For example, some folks neglect their skillset because they think a big dick is all they need to rock someone’s world… and it’s not.

Others may let worries of a small D drain their confidence, causing them to overcompensate in other ways.

All of these things can take a mental toll on the penis-haver and suck the fun out of a sex sesh for all involved.

How to maximize what you’re working with

Not to keep hammering away at it, but it’s not the size of your penis that matters as much as what you do with it.

There’s nothing quite like leaving your partner writhing in ecstasy to thrust your confidence sky high, which will serve you well, in and out of the bedroom.

Here’s how to max the crap out of what you’ve got and feel good about what you’re working with — whether you lean bigger, smaller, or fall someplace between.

If you’re more endowed

The key to working with a bigger-than-average penis isn’t even really about your penis — at least not at first.

Making sure your partner is super-aroused will make it easier for them to handle your beast of a boner, so some extra focus on foreplay is a must. And lube. Lots of lube.

Use your mouth, tongue, or fingers to tease their erogenous zones, focusing on all the usual suspects, like the nips and genitals, as well as some less explored but surprisingly erotic bits, like the inner arms of behind the knees.

If you’re both ready to move onto penetration, choose positions that allow your partner a little more control over the depth. Having them on top is always a good way to go.

First, they can take you in at a pace that feels good. Plus, you get a bangin’ view of all the action and easy access to their other parts for maximum arousal.

If you’re less endowed

If your penis falls to the smaller side of the spectrum, focus on positions that let you go deep, like doggy style. Take it deeper by having your partner lower their head and chest while arching their back.

If you have a thinner penis, choose positions that make for a tighter squeeze. This can be any sex position, really, so long as your partner keeps their legs tight together.

Missionary, face-down, and them-on-top positions all work with closed legs.

And don’t let your wang worries make you forget about other types of sex. Add oral sex to the menu as the appetizer or even the main course.

And when giving, incorporate your hands or a sex toy to increase the chances of a clitoral or anal orgasm.

And speaking of orgasms, know that the chances of having them increases greatly with manual or oral stimulation than with intercourse.

You may also find it easier to hit the G spot, A spot, or P spot using your fingers or a toy. Seriously. Give it a try. You can thank us later.

If you’re somewhere in the middle

Well look at you and your not-too-big and not-too-small D, Goldicocks!

In terms of sex positions, anything goes if you aren’t trying to accommodate a penis that falls outside the average range. This is your chance to experiment like mad and fine tune the positions that you and your partner enjoy the most.

As long as your partner’s up for it, mix things up with sex in different places or consider exploring your kinky side.

Sensation play using sex toys, feathers, and ice cubes is a good start, especially if you’re BDSM-curious.

The bottom line

Being good in bed — or anywhere else you choose to get busy — isn’t about penis size, but how you handle it.

Figuring out what feels good for you and your partner and choosing moves that make the most of your penis type will serve you better than worrying will, so get to it!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex? Sexual intercourse? Neither?

— Teens weigh in on evolving definitions — and habits

By JOCELYN GECKER

Situationships. “Sneaky links.” The “talking stage,” the flirtatious getting-to-know-you phase — typically done via text — that can lead to a hookup.

High school students are having less sexual intercourse. That’s what the studies say. But that doesn’t mean they’re having less sex.

The language of young love and lust, and the actions behind it, are evolving. And the shift is not being adequately captured in national studies, experts say.

For years, studies have shown a decline in the rates of American high school students having sex. That trend continued, not surprisingly, in the first years of the pandemic, according to a recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The study found that 30% of teens in 2021 said they had ever had sex, down from 38% in 2019 and a huge drop from three decades ago, when more than half of teens reported having sex.

The Associated Press took the findings to teenagers and experts around the country to ask for their interpretation. Parents: Some of the answers may surprise you.

THE MEANING OF SEX: DEPENDS WHO YOU ASK

For starters, what is the definition of sex?

“Hmm. That’s a good question,” says Rose, 17, a junior at a New England high school.

She thought about it for 20 seconds, then listed a range of possibilities for heterosexual sex, oral sex and relations between same-sex or LGBTQ partners. On her campus, short-term hookups — known as “situationships” — are typically low commitment and high risk from both health and emotional perspectives.

There are also “sneaky links” — when you hook up in secret and don’t tell your friends. “I have a feeling a lot more people are quote unquote having sex — just not necessarily between a man and a woman.”

For teens today, the conversation about sexuality is moving from a binary situation to a spectrum and so are the kinds of sex people are having. And while the vocabulary around sex is shifting, the main question on the CDC survey has been worded the same way since the government agency began its biannual study in 1991: Have you “ever had sexual intercourse?”

“Honestly, that question is a little laughable,” says Kay, 18, who identifies as queer and attends a public high school near Lansing, Michigan. “There’s probably a lot of teenagers who are like, ‘No, I’ve never had sexual intercourse, but I’ve had other kinds of sex.’”

The AP agreed to use teenagers’ first or middle names for this article because of a common concern they expressed about backlash at school, at home and on social media for speaking about their peers’ sex lives and LGBTQ+ relations.

SEXUAL IDENTITY IS EVOLVING

Several experts say the CDC findings could signal a shift in how teen sexuality is evolving, with gender fluidity becoming more common along with a decrease in stigma about identifying as not heterosexual.

They point to another finding in this year’s study that found the proportion of high school kids who identify as heterosexual dropped to about 75%, down from about 89% in 2015, when the CDC began asking about sexual orientation. Meanwhile, the share who identified as lesbian, gay or bisexual rose to 15%, up from 8% in 2015.

“I just wonder, if youth were in the room when the questions were being created, how they would be worded differently,” said Taryn Gal, executive director of the Michigan Organization on Adolescent Sexual Health.

Sex is just one of the topics covered by the CDC study, called the Youth Risk Behavior Survey. One of the main sources of national data about high school students on a range of behaviors, it is conducted every two years and asks about 100 questions on topics including smoking, drinking, drug use, bullying, carrying guns and sex. More than 17,000 students at 152 public and private high schools across the country responded to the 2021 survey.

“It’s a fine line we have to try to walk,” says Kathleen Ethier, director of the CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health, which leads the study.

From a methodological standpoint, changing a question would make it harder to compare trends over time. The goal is to take a national snapshot of teenage behavior, with the understanding that questions might not capture all the nuance. “It doesn’t allow us to go as in depth in some areas as we would like,” Ethier says.

The national survey, for example, does not ask about oral sex, which carries the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections. As for “sexual intercourse,” Ethier says, “We try to use a term that we know young people understand, realizing that it may not encompass all the ways young people would define sex.”

IS LESS TEEN SEX GOOD NEWS?

Beyond semantics, there are a multitude of theories on why the reported rates of high school sex have steadily declined — and what it might say about American society.

“I imagine some parents are rejoicing and some are concerned, and I think there is probably good cause for both,” says Sharon Hoover, co-director of the National Center for School Mental Health at the University of Maryland. Health officials like to see trends that result in fewer teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

“But what we don’t know is what this means for the trajectory of young people,” Hoover says.

This year’s decrease, the sharpest drop ever recorded, clearly had a lot to do with the pandemic, which kept kids isolated, cut off from friends and immersed in social media. Even when life started returning to normal, many kids felt uncomfortable with face-to-face interaction and found their skills in verbal communication had declined, Hoover said.

The survey was conducted in the fall of 2021, just as many K-12 students returned to in-person classrooms after a year of online school.

Several teens interviewed said that when schools reopened, they returned with intense social anxiety compounded by fears of catching COVID. That added a new layer to pre-pandemic concerns about sexual relations like getting pregnant or catching STIs.

“I remember thinking, ‘What if I get sick? What if I get a disease? What if I don’t have the people skills for this?’” said Kay, the 18-year-old from Michigan. “All those ‘what ifs’ definitely affected my personal relationships, and how I interacted with strangers or personal partners.”

Another fear is the prying eyes of parents, says college student Abby Tow, who wonders if helicopter parenting has played a role in what she calls the “baby-fication of our generation.” A senior at the University of Oklahoma, Tow knows students in college whose parents monitor their whereabouts using tracking apps.

“Parents would get push notifications when their students left dorms and returned home to dorms,” says Tow, 22, majoring in social work and gender studies.

Tow also notices a “general sense of disillusionment” in her generation. She cites statistics that fewer teenagers today are getting driver’s licenses. “I think,” she says, “there is a correlation between students being able to drive and students having sex.”

Another cause for declining sex rates could be easy access to online porn, experts say. By the age of 17, three-quarters of teenagers have viewed pornography online, with the average age of first exposure at 12, according to a report earlier this year by Common Sense Media, a nonprofit child advocacy group.

“Porn is becoming sex ed for young people,” says Justine Fonte, a New York-based sex education teacher. She says pornography shapes and skews adolescent ideas about sexual acts, power and intimacy. “You can rewind, fast forward, play as much as you want. It doesn’t require you to think about how the person is feeling.”

IS THERE AN EVOLVING DEFINITION OF CONSENT?

Several experts said they hoped the decline could be partly attributed to a broader understanding of consent and an increase in “comprehensive” sex education being taught in many schools, which has become a target in ongoing culture wars.

Unlike abstinence-only programs, the lessons include discussion on understanding healthy relationships, gender identity, sexual orientation and preventing unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Contrary to what critics think, she said, young people are more likely to delay the onset of sexual activity if they have access to sex education.

Some schools and organizations supplement sex education with peer counseling, where teens are trained to speak to each other about relationships and other topics that young people might feel uncomfortable raising with adults.

Annika, 14, is a peer ambassador trained by Planned Parenthood and a high school freshman in Southern California. She’s offered guidance to friends in toxic relationships and worries about the ubiquity of porn among her peers, especially male friends. It’s clear to her that the pandemic stunted sex lives.

The CDC’s 2023 survey, which is currently underway, will show if the decline was temporary. Annika suspects it will show a spike. In her school, at least, students seem to be making up for lost time.

“People lost those two years so they’re craving it more,” she said. She has often been in a school bathroom where couples in stalls next to her are engaged in sexual activities.

Again, the definition of sex? “Any sexual act,” Annika says. “And sexual intercourse is one type of act.”

To get a truly accurate reading of teen sexuality, the evolution of language needs to be taken into account, says Dr. John Santelli, a Columbia University professor who specializes in adolescent sexuality.

“The word intercourse used to have another meaning,” he points out. “Intercourse used to just mean talking.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The five stages of a relationship

— And how they affect your love life

There’s a lot that comes after the honeymoon stage

By Holly Berckelman

Did you know there are five stages in long-term relationships? Sex and relationship therapist Georgia Grace helps decode this viral theory.

There comes a point in every relationship where you run into the hard stuff.

Slowly, you’re not sitting on cloud nine anymore and reality sets in. The dumb way they brush their teeth and their 100-decibel snores in your ear every night becomes less of an endearing quirk and more of a fully-fledged annoyance.

At the same time, how they smile when they sleep and dance in the shower makes you fall a little bit more in love with them every day.

The relationship is growing up, and with it, the rewards and challenges do too. Then all of a sudden you move into another phase, and things change again.

As it turns out, relationships don’t consist of just a honeymoon period, and ‘the rest’. In fact, while they morph and adapt constantly, they actually consist of several distinct phases, – and the key to relationship success is understanding them all.

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In a recent video posted on TikTok, creator @hannahgetshired says “Can we normalise wanting to break up with your partner in a long-term relationship?”, before referencing a now-viral theory called the five stages of relationships theory.

While ideally, it’d be great if most of us didn’t want to dump our partners in long-term relationships, according to the theory, which is heavily informed by Knapp’s Relationship Development Model and work by the Relationship Institute, each phase consists of its own individual rewards and challenges, which can lead to couples questioning whether they’re right for each other.

“I think it’s really useful for people to see this framework to understand that it is really common for a relationship and a dynamic within a relationship to change,” says sex and relationship practitioner Georgia Grace, who uses the model when working with couples or individuals in a relationship.

And change they will. So, here’s what to expect.

The five stages of every long-term relationship

#1 Honeymoon phase

Length: Six months to one year

Ah the sweet, sweet honeymoon phase. We all know it, we all wish it lasted forever. This is the phase people often look back on as their relationship grows up – it’s all love, all the time.

“Romance, roses and rainbows – a time of intense love and attraction,” says Grace. “In the Honeymoon Stage we experience an intense surge of affection for our partner.”

“Biochemical changes in our body ignite a state of infatuation – dopamine and oxytocin peak to form a new bond.”

However, in the honeymoon phase, it’s also easy to overlook the tiny kinks and bits of friction in the relationship. And by definition, it lacks the depth that comes with longer-term relationships, relying instead on the rush of emotion and obsession over the long-lasting connection that is still to come.

#2 Uncertainty

Length: Six months to two years

When the dizzying heights of new love start to wear off, that’s when uncertainty and questioning set in.

“One of the more challenging phases is Uncertainty,” Grace tells Body+Soul. “Reality is setting in and you’re no longer experiencing the relationship when it’s free from concern, but you are actually starting to ask questions like, ‘Are we a good match?’”

These questions can be scary because it’s the first time you start to question whether a relationship can actually last, or if it’s more of a fleeting romance. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Pushing through Uncertainty is how the foundations for longevity and a strong relationship are built, which means the best is still to come.

#3 Adjustment

Length: After two years

Adjustment is when the real work in long-term relationships begins.

“In Adjustment you really start to recognise how you might be not compatible and this is where conflict often arises,’ Grace tells Body+Soul.

“We’ve seen our partner’s flaws and recognised our incompatibilities. Now we work to overcome these challenges in times of conflict.”

To make it through this phase you need communication in spades, a willingness to work through issues, and the toolkit to do so.

Grace assists her clients with developing “conflict management or conflict resolution processes, so that they can move beyond this if that’s something that they want.”

But ultimately it might not be, and many couples fold because they no longer want the same thing, or they just can’t make it work.

“Some people get to that phase and then are like ‘actually we’re too different. This isn’t going to work for us, so we need to end this relationship’.”

#4 Commitment

Length: After two years

The Commitment stage marks the easing of the storm. A couple has realised their differences, and probably had disagreements about them, but they’re coming out the other side, committing to try despite their small incompatibilities.

Grace says this is a time when couples examine their expectations of the other, and ultimately decide “whether to stay – or go.”

#5 Acceptance

Length: Five years plus

Acceptance is almost like the grown-up version of the honeymoon. The relationship isn’t marked by infatuation or obsession, but by stability, togetherness and boundaries. In healthy relationships, there’s a level of comfort that can be just as enthralling as new love, because you’ve found a person who is seemingly also in it for the long run – and what’s better than that?

Rinse and repeat

This theory is cyclical, and for very long-term relationships, they may get to the ‘end’ of the circle in Acceptance and then find themselves right back in the Honeymoon phase, before moving back through the process all over again.

Other factors can also come in and shake things up too. Grace tells Body+Soul, “Maybe you’ve had kids together or there’s been infidelity, or you’re working through something, or it’s just the natural cycle of a relationship, and you’ve got to that final stage of Acceptance and this long-term love. But then the novelty and excitement has gone out of the relationship.” This situation could move couples back into a period of Uncertainty, which they will then have to work through, before hopefully finding their way back to a period of Acceptance.

But the second time around will never look like the first. “We need to allow for our partners to be able to surprise us and to change,” Grace tells Body+Soul. “[We can’t] hold them to the person that they were when we met them a few years ago.”

So, even as the relationship returns to ‘earlier’ phases, they will always look different, as the couple is constantly developing and growing up – either towards each other or apart.

How to use the theory

Just as the model is cyclical, it’s also not always linear. And similarly, having awareness of the model isn’t always enough to save you. Slipping from Acceptance back into feelings of Uncertainty can be terrifying, and often, knowing that’s what’s happening isn’t enough to pull it back out.

But while it can be a limiting model – Grace believes it “can be really validating for people to learn that any relationship will go through its changes,” which can challenge and refocus the couple as a result.

Our suggestion? Use it as a compass – to know where you might be heading, and what you can expect during that time – but not as a crystal ball, because really, you never know what’s going to happen.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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From scheduling sex to being selfish

— 10 ways to improve intimacy

By

1. Talk about any problems

Things seem to work well without really thinking about it. Then, when it starts going wrong, you don’t quite know how to talk about it, so the situation gets to a point where you’re stuck and you don’t know how to deal with it. The first stage in addressing this is for each person to spend a couple of days thinking about what they see the problem is, and then agreeing to sit down together for a discussion. Take turns saying: “This is what I think the problem is, and this is how it is affecting me.” Out of this comes the opportunity to really get to the heart of the matter and work out what is needed.

2. Look for the reasons why sex might have changed

How did sex use to be? What was intimacy like? What has changed? What are the blocks to sorting it out? There may have been occasions when you might not have wanted to be sexual or you might not have been in the mood, and that got misinterpreted, or there were a few times when you got rejected. And then you get into a pattern of not having sex or avoiding it.

3. Talk about how you first met. And make an effort to look nice

Spend an evening chatting about what you liked about the other person. You can remind each other of what drew you both together. Do that on the first night, then on the next night, dress up, go out for a meal and make an effort to feel and look special. What you’re likely to find is that you’re feeling much more connected and that can lead to noticing desire, feeling sexual, and you can reignite something that has perhaps been lost for a while.

4. Every time you leave the house (and come back) make a point of having a kiss or a cuddle

There is no intention that it is going to lead to sex, you just get used to the idea you can reclaim intimacy. Make a point of saying, “I like what you’re wearing”, send texts to each other throughout the day saying “missing you” and “look forward to seeing you”. In this way you’re recreating some of the behaviours you probably did at the beginning of your relationship and you are giving the message, “I’m noticing you and I like you”, so that the sense of feeling closer to the other person, the emotional intimacy, starts creeping back in.

5. Schedule regular time to be intimate

This is making a commitment to maintaining the relationship by saying: even though sometimes we don’t feel like it, we realise the importance of this and will try to be sexual. It is about not letting gaps appear so then it starts becoming more normal to not have sex. What your scheduling says is that Friday nights are your night, you’ll put some effort into making it special and this can lead to greater intimacy. Perhaps this means having a shower together, or maybe dressing up – above all it is about making a statement that your physical relationship is important, and you are prepared to put in the groundwork, instead of saying it is just about sex.

6. Write down on pieces of paper what really works for you both

Then fold them up and put all of the bits of paper in a jar. I encourage couples to sit down and work out some of the things that each person particularly likes when they are being sexual. Then, whenever you’re going to have some intimate time, pull out a piece of paper and whatever’s there, you’ve got the chance to try. It enables an element of fun and excitement to return into the relationship which can be helpful to maintain the spark.

7. If there is a high level of anxiety attached to sex, introduce mindfulness

I always suggest pelvic floor exercises, because this makes you focus on your genitals, so you become much more tuned into your body. For a man, this can increase the quality of his erection and the chances of more ejaculatory control. For a woman, it is likely to help her to regain a bit more feeling within the vaginal walls and it might help towards arousal.

8. For older couples, slow everything right down

Try having a bath together, so you feel good and in tune with each other. Pay more attention to what position feels comfortable. If there are issues of mobility and flexibility it can be useful to try out positions first. You might want to do this while you’re still dressed when it can feel easier (and warmer).

9. Take turns to be selfish

Say, “I’d really like it if you could give me a back rub”, or “I just really want the opportunity to touch you”. I often suggest couples go to bed and have a period of time when you’re both naked without needing to be sexual. Just lying next to each other, feeling the other person’s skin on your skin can be a very intimate and nourishing moment.

10. Rediscover how to be intimate with each other

There are many reasons why intimacy can change in a relationship. Pregnancy and birth, ageing, body shape, resentment, arguments not being resolved, anxiety, the menopause, erectile problems … It is important to understand why you’ve reached the point where things are dysfunctional, but it is always possible to make changes. I’ve worked with couples who haven’t had sex in six years and it has been a privilege to help them rediscover how to be intimate with each other.

Peter Saddington is a clinical supervisor and a relationship and sex therapist working for Relate.

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‘When people can talk about sex, they flourish’

— The rise of sexual wellness

Advice on sex is available on myriad apps, sex toys are for sale on the high street, and the science of sexual fufilment is blossoming. Will this focus on sexual wellbeing have the desired effect?

By

Tina was 52 when her long-term relationship ended. She had experienced low libido throughout her perimenopause years, and her relationship had become “pretty much sexless by the end”, so reigniting her sex life felt like a daunting prospect.

But rather than closing the book on her sexuality, Tina turned to a sexual wellness app called Dipsea, and began listening to erotic stories, as well as learning about different self-pleasure and communication techniques.

“I’ve never hugely enjoyed visual pornography and this sounded like something different and worth trying out,” she says. “The app enabled me to explore my sexual wants and fantasies as well as use some of the wellness-focused content, which helped me to feel more confident when dating and navigating having sex again.”

She’s not alone. As attitudes to sex have liberalised, and people increasingly strive for greater physical, mental and social wellbeing, a growing industry in sexual wellness has sprung up. Whereas sex toys only used to be available from sex shops or porn magazines, they can now be bought from high street chemists. Subscription-based apps and websites are offering erotic content alongside relaxation exercises and relationship advice from trained sex counsellors. Sex is no longer taboo, but an integral part of our general wellbeing. But while investors in this industry may have hit the financial G-spot, what does it mean for the rest of us?

Precisely who conceived the term “sexual wellness” is hazy, but the actor Gwyneth Paltrow is credited with catapulting it into the mainstream. In 2015, her lifestyle website Goop.com recommended that women steam-clean their vaginas for extra energy and to rebalance female hormones. Since then, Goop has sparked debates about the pros and cons of jade vaginal eggs, an “aphrodisiac warming potion” called Sex Dust – not to mention the infamous “This Smells Like My Vagina” candle.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop has been credited with initiating the sexual wellness trend – but claims made about the benefits of some of the expensive products it sells lack evidence.

“With the launch of things like Goop, there’s been a much broader, holistic sort of view on what sexual wellness means, and how it can benefit you to be a happier, more confident and satisfied human being,” says Mei-lin Rawlinson, chief of staff at OMGYes, an educational website about female pleasure.

Around the same time Paltrow was preaching the benefits of vaginal purification, OMGYes’s founders were setting out on a mission to use science to help crack a similar nut. Sparked by conversations between friends about how women like to be touched, they realised there was a dearth of academic research on the subject, and little vocabulary for the specific things women find pleasurable.

They partnered with sex researchers to conduct in-depth interviews with more than 3,000 women from across the US, using these insights to develop a trove of educational videos, infographics and how-to’s, designed to educate fee-paying members on how to access greater sexual pleasure.

“Sex is such a core part of life for many people, but it is also a really vulnerable, charged area of life, with lots of taboo. We think that if people can talk about it, learn more about it, learn more about themselves, they can flourish so much more,” Rawlinson says.

In the coronavirus lockdowns, sales of adult toys increased by 25%. Superdrug’s website promotes sex toys with the line: ‘Masturbation is self-celebration’.

Launched in 2015, OMGYes was one of the first sexual wellness platforms, and it now has more than a million users. Research conducted by the platform, in collaboration with Devon Hensel, a professor of sociology and paediatrics at Indiana University, suggests that the benefits of membership aren’t just physical.

They gave 870 women access to the website, and asked them to complete pre- and post-questionnaires to assess their sex-based knowledge and communication skills.

The research, published in the Journal of Sex Research, found that after a month, women reported they had developed a wider repertoire of ways to talk about what they liked sexually and that they felt more positive and confident about understanding what felt good. “These are skills not only important for sex, but also in the context of women’s everyday lives,” Hensel says. Indeed, some of the women also reported an increase in overall agency – such as voicing their thoughts or ideas at work – as a result of this training.

It’s not only educational platforms that are growing in popularity. The global sexual wellness devices market – industry speak for sex toys – was estimated to be worth $19bn in 2021.

With everybody stuck at home due to Covid restrictions, this market experienced a boost. During the first two weeks of UK lockdown alone, orders for adult toys reportedly increased by 25%. But while sales of other consumer categories, such as cycling products, that experienced a “Covid boost” have since fallen back, the sexual wellness market continues to experience accelerated growth.

“I think that’s a good data point to suggest that it is earlier in its life stage. There is more to go for in terms of the number of people who buy these products, and the number of products any one person uses,” says Jacqueline Windsor, UK retail leader for PwC.

She recently co-authored a report on the sexual wellness devices market, and believes several factors may be at play. Interest in general wellness has increased over the past decade, and sexual health and wellbeing are increasingly viewed as central to this. Attitudes to sex are also liberalising, and there has been a shift in sex-toy design away from explicit brands, and towards more discreet and ergonomic models primarily targeting women and couples.

“Commercially, it’s big business, but I think it makes a big statement when we see sex toys and pleasure products on high-street shelves like those in Boots and Selfridges,” says Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and host of the Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast. “It makes the statement that sexual wellbeing should be there, and shouldn’t be taboo or hidden away, and this can have a huge forward impact on how we think and talk about sex, helping us to break away from its links to shame.”

Pleasure isn’t the only benefit: doctors are increasingly recommending vibrator use as a way of treating and preventing conditions such as vaginal dryness and atrophy. Some of these new generation products could go a step further and enhance scientific research into sexual health and orgasm.

Ergonomically designed, the Lioness vibrator is a modern iteration of the classic “rabbit” toy. What really sets it apart though, is the incorporation of sensors to measure pelvic floor movements, such as the rhythmic contractions that accompany orgasm. Paired with an app, this allows users – and (with users’ consent) sex researchers – to better understand how sexual function is affected by factors such as caffeine, alcohol, childbirth, menopause, or medical conditions such as concussion.

“I always tell people that knowledge is pleasure,” says Anna Lee, co-founder and head of engineering at Lioness. “It’s an empowering tool to be curious about your body, and to learn about things that might be changing our pleasure or sexual wellness.”

But the plugging of sexual wellness could also have some pitfalls. Lee worries about the potential for misinformation in the marketing of certain products, and their promotion by social media influencers. For instance, in 2018, Goop was forced to pay $145,000 in civil penalties for making the unsubstantiated claim that jade love eggs were used by women in ancient China to increase sexual energy and pleasure.

“Jade is a porous material that you should never insert [into] your body, and there’s no evidence to indicate that this technique was ever used in ancient China,” Lee says. “We have to be so mindful of how we create this information that so many people are desperately seeking – because they will grab on to anything, it is such a hard topic to talk about.”

Also, whereas novelty and exploration can be a turn-on for some people, for others, it can have the opposite effect. “Some people are much more comfortable with what’s familiar,” says Emily Nagoski, a sex educator and the author of Come As You Are.

Another risk is that the focus on sexual wellness mounts pressure on people to do things they don’t want to do. “Everywhere you look, whether it’s on social media, telly, movies, the emphasis seems to be on the importance of sex – everyone’s having great sex, and if you’re not having great sex there’s a problem,” says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice at Relate and a trained relationship counsellor and sex therapist.

“Sex toys historically, and some of the new apps, are kind of promoting the idea that you should be having amazing sex. You should be having an orgasm. But having worked with clients for 25-30 years, what they are often asking for is they just need [the sex] to be good enough.”

What these clients are really seeking, Major explains, is intimacy: the emotional closeness and trust that ideally accompanies sex. “A lot of these apps and products focus on the physical stuff, as opposed to what sexual intimacy means for individuals. I think we sometimes put a lot of pressure on people to be sexual, when actually sex isn’t that important to them.”

In other cases, couples genuinely want to have more sex, but struggle to find the time and motivation to achieve this. Here, technology could help. In early 2022, Mark (not his real name) and his partner began using an app called Intimacy to track their sex life – logging both the number of encounters and their orgasm count. “We had reservations, but set ourselves a target of having sex 104 times in the year – or twice a week,” Mark says. “Rather than putting pressure on ourselves, and recognising it won’t be for everyone, we revelled in the experience – we are obviously both target-oriented.

“We rapidly found ourselves ahead of our target, and reset it to 2.5 times a week, or 130 times in the year – and we ended on 134. We had a good sex life before, but this gave us the motivation to be more intimate.”

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A beginner’s guide to being a ‘brat’ in BDSM

— If you like disobeying daddy, this one’s for you.

By Gigi Engle

Make me.

This is the trademark saying for brats. A “brat” is a delightfully disobedient sub within the Dom/sub dynamic in BDSM. “Brats enjoy questioning dominance, as well as like for dominance to be proven to them,” says Emerson Karsh(opens in a new tab), a kink educator.

Why would you want to be a brat during sex? Why wouldn’t you? Being cheeky, disobedient, and naughty is fun. It creates a sense of playfulness that is often missing in sex. Being a brat is a very fun way to engage with your submissive side, without being a stereotypical sub. Brats are mouthy, badly behaved, and keen on punishment.

In BDSM, not all submissions look the same. Playing with power dynamics gets very creative in the kink world. “Brats get great enjoyment from playing [a game of] cat and mouse, defying authority, and in turn receiving a ‘punishment’ from their Brat Tamer,” explains Julieta Chiaramonte(opens in a new tab), a kink instructor and sex expert.

If you’re turned on by disobedience, this might be something you want to explore.

Let’s break down what it means to be a brat in BDSM, how you can approach it safely and consensually, and some tips to get you started on your merry way.

What it means to be a ‘brat.’

The brat is a very fun, quite cheeky submissive persona. It’s a submissive with a twist, Chiaramonte says.

A brat intentionally misbehaves in order to get a rise out of their Dom, often eliciting “punishments.” The brat enjoys driving the Dom a bit mad with their naughtiness. It’s all centered around defying authority, which can be very hot.

This all happens with enthusiastic consent. Everyone is on board.

The brat “may taunt, push boundaries, and really test their partners’ limits in hope of causing a reaction,” Chiaramonte explains. “This is very playful, and can be adjusted to your needs.” This all happens with enthusiastic consent. Everyone is on board. We’ll get into the nitty gritty of consent a bit later.

You might be asking how this is submission because, well, you’re being quite the brat. Karsh tells us that “brats express their submission in a way that is amusing, consensual, and done for a reaction.” You’re not being obedient in the classic Dom/sub way, but the brat will submit when their Dom decides to punish them.

The Dom is the ‘brat tamer.’

The brat tamer? You guessed it: This is the Dominant partner. They may choose to go by a different name (like sir, daddy, mommy, etc.), but the brat tamer is their style of Domination.

“Their ‘role’ is to put their brat in their place, remind them of the rules, and enforce punishments/order that they have created together,” Chiaramonte explains. “This is an authority role, and a brat tamer must be comfortable with taking control and being taunted by their bratty partner.”

Dr. Lee Phillips(opens in a new tab), a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, offers an example of the Brat/Brat Tamer dynamic in a scene: “In a role play, the sub (a brat) takes on the role of a subordinate to a moody boss. The ultimate goal is for the brat tamer to earn the brat’s respect because the brat enjoys pushing the brat tamer’s buttons by provoking them. In order to earn this respect, [the] Dom needs to tame or control the brat.”

This role is anything but soft, Karsh says. “A brat tamer is not afraid to put their foot down,” she says.

This role takes a lot of skill and development. Karsh continues, “A brat tamer is skilled in giving their brat space to be a brat and figuring out how to express and prove their dominance to their brat in response to their bratting — whether that be a punishment, orders, ignoring the behavior, or something else.”

Of course, all of this provoking and giving out punishments is 100 percent consensual in this dynamic.

How brats ‘act out’ (and how they get punished).

There is no clear-cut way to fully express the breadth of punishments and behaviors that can go into the brat dynamic, but we can certainly distill a few common examples.

Bratty dialogue.

Brats use “bratty” language with the explicit intention of provoking their Dom. Some common phrases include:

  • Make me.
  • That’s all?
  • You can do better than that.
  • You can’t make me.
  • Oh, yeah? What’s the worst that can happen?
  • Prove it.

Additionally, Philips says “a brat may act out by talking back to them by calling their tamer names, turning down a command, have a temper tantrum, ignore the tamer to provoke them, and speak when they are supposed to remain quiet.”

Bratty behavior.

Bratty behaviors run the gamut, but they’re usually done in a lighthearted, naughty way, Karsh explains. For example, if a Dom told the brat to “Come over here right now.” The brat might just sit down on the ground and refuse to move. Another example could be defying authority, Chiaramonte tells us. A brat tamer may tell their brat to be home at a certain time and the brat purposely comes back late. To be a brat is to be disobedient. And it’s all part of the fun.

Punishments for bratty little brats.

The ways a Dom can punish their brat are truly expansive. Punishments are negotiated before play takes place and everyone is always on the same page about what is on and off the table.

Some example of punishments:

  • Spankings.
  • Orgasm denial.
  • Forced silence.
  • Getting walked like a puppy.
  • Forced orgasm.
  • Bondage.
  • Tickling.
  • Being put in a cage.

How to engage in brat play in a safe way.

Do your research.

We can’t just jump into a role play without knowing what we’re doing. This can be a disaster. “Read articles and speak to others who are brats and submissives in your BDSM community,” Philips says. “If you are seeing a kink and BDSM-affirming therapist, they can help you explore BDSM as a part of your sexual identity or an aspect of sexual exploration.”

If you’re looking for a qualified therapist to help you explore this side of yourself, search for a kink-affirming therapist on the COSRT website(opens in a new tab). Be sure to check out their website and confirm that they are explicit about their work with kink.

Communication and consent.

If you want to have a good brat/Brat Tamer experience, you have to be on the same page as your partner. “Talk about your expectations, boundaries, limits, and what you hope to get out of this dynamic,” Chiaramonte says. “When you create this structure, you can play within the ‘lines’ and avoid unnecessary hiccups.”

Communication and consent are at the heart of positive BDSM dynamics. Scenes need to be thoroughly discussed so that everyone feels respected and taken care of. This takes a lot of trust.

“Talk to your Dom about your bratty interests first and discuss what the play will look like,” Philips says. “For example, will you be consenting to spanking if you misbehave? How hard do you want to be spanked for acting out? Do you want to be spanked over your tamer’s lap?”

Pick a safe word.

A safe word is a non-sexual word used in kink to denote that a boundary has been met. If you’re in a brat/Brat Tamer scene and something has crossed the line, you can invoke the safe word and stop the play. This gives you time to reconnect and figure out how you’d both like to move forward.

“All kink is a marathon, not a sprint.”

Go slowly.

This one truly cannot be emphasized enough. “All kink is a marathon, not a sprint,” Karsh says.

If you’re a brat beginner, you have to be willing to take your time and figure out what does and does not work for you. “Think and explore how brattiness will show up in your relationship. Being a brat can often come naturally [to some], so use that energy in exploring this in BDSM play.”

Don’t be afraid to get creative.

Your brat/Brat Tamer dynamic may grow and shift over time. Once you start getting comfortable in your role, you can test new and exciting ways to play with your brat side. “Don’t be afraid to get funky with it — your turn to do the dishes tonight? Have your partner find you drinking a glass of wine on the couch instead,” Chiaramonte says. As long as everyone is aware that this is role play, it’s all good.

BDSM is all about exploring different sides of yourself and having fun. If you want to embrace that bratty side of yours, go for it. There is no wrong way to play as long as everyone is having a good time.

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Researchers find comprehensive sex education reduces homophobia, transphobia

by Dfusion

Can a school-based sexual health education program that effectively reduces the risk of unintended pregnancy and STIs also decrease homophobia and transphobia?

That question drove a by researchers conducting a randomized controlled trial of an inclusive comprehensive sex education program—High School FLASH. The study evaluated not just the impact on students’ sexual behaviors and related outcomes but also on their homophobic and transphobic beliefs. Specifically, researchers evaluated High School FLASH in 20 schools in two U.S. regions (Midwest and South). Study findings related to the curriculum’s impact on homophobic and transphobic beliefs are described in the journal Prevention Science.

Young LGBTQ students often endure homophobic and transphobic language at school, experiencing victimization and discrimination based on their sexual orientation and/or . These students can experience both negative academic consequences (e.g., , absenteeism, disconnection from school communities) as well as mental health consequences, including depression, anxiety, and lowered self-esteem.

Schools have a critical role to play in combatting discrimination and transphobic violence for LGBTQ students and improving their academic, health and well-being. Along with anti-bullying policies and sponsoring GSA organizations, schools can contribute to safe and affirming environments for all by offering inclusive curricula. Research has shown that LGBTQ students who received inclusive sexual health curricula experienced lower levels of victimization, increased feelings of safety at school, fewer safety-related school absences, better academic performance, and increased feelings of connection to peers.

Inclusivity goal and challenges

Even sexual health curricula that claim to be inclusive do not always affirm all young people’s identities and orientations. Some of the issues identified by LGBTQ youth as contributing to the lack of positive representation in their health curricula include: silences on the part of the teacher or the curriculum about LGBTQ issues/individuals, heterosexist framing of the information presented, and the ongoing pathologizing of LGBTQ individuals or specific sexual practices.

BA Laris, one of the study’s authors, notes that “there is really little to no guidance on how to make a curriculum inclusive.” She observes that quick fixes aren’t the answer. “People will often say ‘just add LGBTQ characters’ or ‘make names gender neutral in scenarios,’ but that is not enough and there is no systematic guidance on how to do it.”

Enter the FLASH program strategy.

FLASH uses a very systematic process to imbue the whole curriculum to be inclusive. In addition to creating a lesson focusing specifically on sexual orientation and gender identity, all of the FLASH lessons:

  • Provide visibility, depicting young people with a variety of sexual orientations and genders and in diverse contexts (e.g., sexually active, abstinent, partnered, single)
  • Normalize a wide range of identities
  • Portray LGBTQ young people in a variety of situations, including caring, satisfying, healthy relationships
  • Use a nuanced approach to inclusive language, striking a strategic balance between broad inclusion (e.g., the use of neutral language such as “partner” that allows a single sentence or concept to be relevant to a large group) and visibility of specific identities (using specific language such as “boyfriend” or “girlfriend”)
  • Ensure relevance of content to all. For example, the birth control lesson in High School FLASH starts with the statement “this lesson is for everybody—people who are having vaginal sex now or who will in the future, and teens of all sexual orientations and genders. Even if someone won’t ever need birth control, learning about it now will help them act as health educators for their friends and families on this important topic. Additional inclusivity strategies included in the development of FLASH: a) instructing teachers to use a specially designed protocol to affirm identities in class discussions, when answering questions, along all domains of identity (e.g., , gender, ability, religion, race, ethnicity); b) testing of all curricular messaging with a diverse group of young people, with LGBTQ youth purposefully overrepresented; c) content adjustments according to feedback and re-testing until acceptability was reached; and d) multiple piloting efforts of lessons in public school classrooms to gauge understandability.

Did it work?

In the study, 20 schools drawn from 7 districts in two regions of the South and Midwest were randomly assigned to receive FLASH or a comparison curriculum. A total of 1597 9th and 10th grade students took part in the baseline survey (831 intervention and 766 comparison), representing 92% of the students who had positive parent consent and were eligible for the primary study. Students completed follow-up surveys 3 and 12 months after the instructional period.

Researchers examined changes in homophobic beliefs among straight cisgender young people versus those who identified as not straight or cisgender. FLASH’s positive impact on reducing homophobic and transphobic beliefs was statistically significant for both straight and cisgender youth at both 3- and 12-month follow up timepoints (p<0.01, n=1144 and p+0.05, n+1078, respectively.) For a full study description, see Coyle et al (2021).

As Laris emphasizes, “what this study showed is that the process is effective because all students (both LGBTQ participants and straight and cisgender participants) decreased their homophobic beliefs.” This has different and important implications for each group. A reduction in homophobic and transphobic beliefs among LGBTQ students signals an improvement in how one feels about themselves (a decrease in internalized homophobia and transphobia).

The reduction in homophobic and transphobic beliefs among straight and cisgender students reflects an improvement in how one perceives LGBTQ peers, potentially leading to a reduction in harassment and an improved school climate.

The encouraging take-away here? FLASH is the first evidence-based teen pregnancy prevention program to date to report findings showing it reduces prejudice against people who are LGBTQ.

More information: Kari Kesler et al, High School FLASH Sexual Health Education Curriculum: LGBTQ Inclusivity Strategies Reduce Homophobia and Transphobia, Prevention Science (2023). DOI: 10.1007/s11121-023-01517-1

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Sexologist Chantelle Otten on the complexities of sex in both her work and her personal life

— Let’s talk about sex.

Chantelle Otten

By Alley Pascoe

As a renowned sexologist, Chantelle Otten is privy to people’s deepest desires, fears and insecurities. Here, she’s honest about her own.

I’m in bed with Chantelle Otten and she’s taking photos of her feet. It’s not as kinky as it sounds. We’re speaking over Zoom ahead of Otten’s Body+Soul cover shoot the next morning, and she’s sending the manicurist pictures of her nails so they know what to expect.

“This is very embarrassing, my nails are really, really bleak,” she says, with endearing honesty and an easy laugh.

There’s something about Otten’s voice. It’s soothing. And welcoming. Like the cosy blanket wrapped around her dachshund Sauce, who’s snuggled beside her in bed.

Chatting from her sunlit bedroom in Melbourne, Otten speaks with a warmness. She has a way of putting you at ease, making you feel comfortable and giving you the space to speak your truth. When Otten opens her mouth, you can’t help but bare your soul in return. It’s a gift – and sometimes a burden – and it’s something she was born with.

“For my entire life, I’ve always had people confide in me. I’m the person at the party sitting in the corner listening to someone’s life story,” explains Otten, who grew up in a “quirky” family in the Melbourne suburb of Murrumbeena with two younger brothers and an older sister with an intellectual disability.

“As a kid, I was always listening in on what was happening in my parents’, siblings’, grandparents’ and friends’ lives. That gave me an awareness and understanding of different personalities, and the complex nature of individuals.”

From then, Otten, now 32, has turned her skill into a successful career as a psycho-sexologist. What exactly does that involve, you may wonder? A sexologist is someone who studies the science of sex, human behaviour and sexual health and wellbeing. Their job is to help clients with their sexual concerns, and to empower them with the knowledge and the confidence they need to lead a healthy sex life.

At Otten’s sex therapy clinic in Melbourne, nothing is off limits. It’s a safe space to talk about intimate things: sexual identity, self-esteem, performance anxiety, trauma, pleasure and pain.

“I feel grateful that people trust me enough to be vulnerable with me.”

“My clinic is a place where people can be themselves; you can swear, cry, laugh and talk about things that upset you. Or not. Whatever you want,” she says. “My clients tell me that I make them feel at ease. Apparently, I’ve got a therapeutic voice.”

Soon, you’ll be able to listen to Otten’s voice in the Audible podcast Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten. The series promises to “take you under the covers and into the world of sex therapy”, and that’s quite literally what it does. Each episode features an anonymous recorded therapy session with real people dealing with real issues.

There’s the married couple looking for advice on opening up their relationship; the new mum trying to regain her sexual identity; the man experiencing erectile dysfunction; and the woman who has never reached orgasm. Their stories are fascinating – heartbreaking at times, oh-so relatable at others – and truly enlightening.

“We wanted for it to feel like being a fly on the wall,” says Otten. “We’re all going to have difficulties with sex at some point in our lives – all of us – so I hope this podcast can help to normalise talking about sex. I hope the episodes resonate with people, and that they take shame out of the conversation and help to alleviate any apprehension they might have around sex therapy.”

The podcast is the latest move in Otten’s mission to increase pleasure and remove shame from the bedroom. After studying psychology and undertaking a masters in sexual health, Otten worked under Dr Ingrid Pinas in a women’s sexual health clinic in the Netherlands.

Upon returning to Melbourne from Amsterdam, she founded the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine in 2016, followed by her namesake clinic in 2018. In the five years since her clinic has opened, Otten has grown from being a one-woman show (and disguising her voice on the phone to pretend she had a receptionist) to having a dedicated team of 20.

“I tend to only take on patients with very specialised cases, so I am dealing with a lot of complex trauma,” she says. “That’s very rewarding for me. I don’t charge my patients; I make money from my sponsorship work. So, my client work is pro bono, which is my way of giving back.”

With Otten – and many other sex educators – leading the way, times are a-changin’. As her business has grown, Otten has seen vibrators go from being ‘dirty little secrets’ to being stocked in major department stores and promoted by influencers all over Instagram. She’s watched the sexual wellness industry grow by $16.8 billion from 2017 to now. And she’s been a part of important discussions about consent and reproductive health, with her 2021 book The Sex Ed You Never Had. But as far as we’ve come, there’s still a way to go.

In the last five years, we’ve witnessed Roe v Wade overturned in America, threatening the future of reproductive rights in the country. We’ve heard shameful stories of sexual harassment and assault within Australian politics. And we’ve learned that Instagram has been censoring sex education accounts – Otten’s included.

“Oh, I think I’ve been shadowbanned on Instagram for five years. It’s problematic that so many people are being silenced, because sex education should be accessible to everyone,” she says. “The main thing I want people to know is that sex should be fun, pleasurable and free of pain and shame. I think we need to make sex sexy again!”

That’s where Sex Therapy: Sessions with Chantelle Otten comes in. Apart from the all-important destigmatising and empowering stories, perhaps the best part of the podcast is getting to listen to Otten’s silky voice in situ.

Today Otten’s voice is raspier than usual. She’s been battling a sinus infection, she tells me, and is trying to recover from the physical fatigue of taking on people’s trauma.

“The challenges that come with this line of work are heavy. When you hear someone’s trauma, it does affect you,” she says. “I am constantly doing work on myself to make sure that I’m there for my patients.”

As well as the emotional toll there are other – more, er, unique – challenges that come with being a sexologist. Namely, people confusing sexology with sex work. Remember when Otten was starting out in her business and put on a fake voice to make out she had a receptionist? Yeah, that didn’t end well.

“I had a guy call wanting to book in a session with his wife for relationship therapy. He was talking and asking questions, and I was answering as the ‘receptionist’. Then he asked me if he could watch. ‘What?’ I asked. ‘Can I watch you and my wife having sex together,’ he said. ‘Oh, no, no, this isn’t the place for that,’ I explained. ‘Just keep talking,’ he said, and I realised that he was masturbating over the phone listening to my receptionist voice,” recalls Otten, with amusement rather than horror. “That’s when I realised I really needed to get an actual receptionist.”

Otten is quick to find the humour in her work. What’s the saying? If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. That’s the approach Otten takes with life and work. Once again, this is a trait she’s had since childhood.

After Otten’s older sister left their primary school to attend a school that provided support for her disability, she had to find her own voice. “When my sister went to a different school, I felt left behind. I had no friends, so I had to learn how to make friends. I learned how to make people laugh, and became an extroverted introvert,” she says.

Learning how to make friends has paid off. Today, it’s Otten’s friends who keep her grounded. They’re the ones she turns to when she’s struggling with the pressures of her profession and running a 20-person business.

“My best friends are all amazing, deep thinkers. When I’m with them, I’m not the therapist, I’m their friend. I feel very lucky for the community I have around me,” she admits. That community includes Otten’s partner of four years, Dylan Alcott.

As the meet-cute story goes, Otten first laid eyes on Alcott, the champion tennis player and 2022 Australian of the Year, at the launch of his book at the North Fitzroy Library in 2019. It was love at first sight. “I still remember that moment so clearly. I remember looking at him and thinking, ‘That’s my person.’ I didn’t know anything about Dylan – or that he was famous – I just knew that he’d written a book because I was at his book signing. I realised this guy wants a big life, and I was excited to live a big, wonderful life together,” she says.

The feeling was mutual. When Otten had to slip away from the book launch without speaking to Alcott, he found her on Instagram after she posted about the event, and slid into her DMs: “Where the hell did you go?” They’ve been together ever since.

“Dylan has taught me so much about life, about having a purpose and being in a long-term relationship. When you love someone so much, you need to look at yourself and your flaws and consider what you’re bringing to the table. Dylan’s a lot of fun, and sometimes I can be a bit serious, so we’ve taught each other about balance,” says Otten. “There’s no one else out there who makes me feel so excited and passionate about life.”

Alcott, also 32, shares his partner’s passion for breaking down taboos, especially when it comes to changing the misconceptions around disabled people having – and desiring – sex. “A lot of people think that people with a disability don’t have sex, but I’m having the best sex of my life and it’s important for me to say that,” Otten told Stellar magazine in 2020.

Clearly, sex is a big part of her life. But does she ever get tired of talking about it? “Of course I get sick of talking about sex,” admits Otten. “There are times when I’ve been inundated with work and under a lot of pressure, and I’ve hated my job. I’ve had to put a lot of boundaries up.”

When people recognise Otten and come up to her on the street to tell her that they love her work, she feels grateful: “That’s beautiful.” But when people approach her and ask intimate questions or unload their personal issues, Otten takes a step back. She thanks them for wanting to open up to her and suggests they book a session through her clinic.

“There’s a time and place; I can’t give good advice when I don’t know all the details of their situation or medical and sexual history. It’s very complex,” she says. “I was once recognised by a girl on the dance floor at a club in Amsterdam at 3am, and I ran off into the darkness.”

Otten can be blunt. “I’m Dutch,” she explains. “I can be direct, but that’s how I speak, and sometimes I have to be that way. I don’t mind if people don’t like me because I hold boundaries with them. That’s more on them than it is on me.” When Otten speaks about boundaries, her voice is steady and unwavering.

There’s a knowing beneath her words. It’s the voice of someone who’s heard, seen and done some sh*t – and lived to tell the tale. The thing that keeps Otten going through it all is her innate curiosity.

“The best piece of advice I was ever given was to remain curious. My mum gave it to me and I’ve held onto it. People are so complex and I’m forever curious about them,” she says. “They have such amazing private lives – you have no idea about – and they come to share it with me. How lucky am I that I get to hear people’s secrets, and hold those secrets? It’s unbelievable.”

How to have better sex

Four surprisingly simple Chantelle Otten-approved ways to improve your intimacy.

Keep learning

“I want people to remain open to learning more about their sex lives and their partner. We often make the mistake of assuming we know everything about our partner, but there’s so much that goes on behind our outer shells. That mystery is a beautiful thing.”

Get playful

“Toys can add spice to your sexual experience, making it more pleasurable and adding variety for both you and your partner. I like to think of toys like salt and pepper – they might not be needed, but they make everything better.”

Book it in

“OK, this one might seem a little bit naff, but scheduling sex once a week has been shown to increase sexual satisfaction. Even if it’s the same sexual menu every time, it still improves satisfaction. Our sex lives are something we need to work at.”

Talk it out

“When you’re stuck in a sexual rut – and we all get stuck sometimes – don’t be shy to talk about it with someone who can help. That’s what sexologists are here for, to provide a different perspective and give advice on getting more pleasure.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Female Porn Director Shares Her Best Sex Tips

— Anna Richards is the founder of ethical porn platform FrolicMe, which portrays sex in a positive, female-focused light. Believing we’re all capable of having great sex, she says the secret is losing your inhibitions and getting comfortable with what turns you on. From the importance of switching up your stimuli to why dropping expectations in the bedroom can be liberating, here are her tips…

By Tor West

Enjoy It

“Sex is supposed to be fun, and feel good, but in a long-term relationship it can be easy to forget who we are having sex for. This means we don’t stop to look at what sort of sex we enjoy. Remember, we aren’t having sex for anyone else. Too often, we are overly focused on the man’s experience, convinced we need to affirm to him that we are ‘good in bed’ by bringing him to orgasm. However, for sex to be great, we need to have sex for ourselves. Plus, there’s no more of a turn-on for a man than being in the presence of a woman losing herself to her own pleasure.”

Keep The Brain Stimulated

“The brain is our biggest sexual organ, and it needs stimulating to have great sex. In a long-term relationship, it can be easy to slip into maintenance sex to get the job done, but to keep it fresh, you need to change the dynamic. Taking sex out of the bedroom is a good start or try having sex at a different time of the day, like before dinner, so you can relish in the afterglow together earlier in the evening. It’s okay to need to work at reviving your libido as it can be a struggle to put yourself in the mood. Turning to sex-positive ethical erotica sites like FrolicMe or engaging in erotic stories is a great way to stimulate your desire by liberating your erotic imagination.”

Create Your Own Pleasure

“Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t revel in the sexual highs and pleasures of sex. Being single is a great time to explore your own body and learn what it is you enjoy and desire. By exploring your own body through solo masturbation, you will learn so much more about what turns you on for when you are in a partnered relationship. We don’t always know what we like until we give it a try. Get involved with a clitoral stimulator – the choice has never been better, and they can help you reach orgasm. Watch masturbation erotica and learn new techniques – you can even film yourself talking to your phone as you enjoy some solo time. Explain how you feel and what’s turning you on as your body responds to your touch. If you’re in a relationship, you can even send it to your partner – it can feel mind-blowing to know you are thinking of them as you pleasure yourself, as well as being watched.”

If you’re confident in bed KNOWING WHAT YOU WANT, that’s a HUGE TURN-ON for your partner.

Talk About It

“Sex is about pleasure and connection with yourself and your partner. It’s important to communicate and be open with your partner about what you enjoy and what you want. Help each other achieve this desired satisfaction – if it’s reaching an orgasm, talk about what would help and how you can achieve it together. Perhaps you need to incorporate some toys and accessories into your play to help with more sexual stimulus. Take time to explore what you enjoy and let your lover know. If you’re confident in bed knowing what you want, that’s a huge turn-on for your partner.”

Experiment With Joint Masturbation

“It’s a very sexy way to quickly understand and learn how and where your partner stimulates themselves, and what it is they enjoy to reach climax. You can then apply these techniques during partner play in the knowledge of how much it turns them on. Plus, it increases the excitement to know you’re being watched. It can feel great to let your partner hold a toy on you as you masturbate. You can tell and guide them to what you like and where you like it.”

Listen To Audio Porn

“Explore stimulating and arousing your mind by tapping into audio porn, which will fuel your mind with erotic thoughts – you’ll be surprised at how quickly you will feel aroused. Audio porn allows the listener to feel part of a shared fantasy, setting the scene as you may wish to imagine it, creating your personal erotic porn of choice to stimulate pleasure.”

Get Spooning

“Spooning is a classic and simple sex position that’s great for when you’re feeling lazy but crave intimacy. The partner behind you can penetrate you deeply while reaching around and holding you in their arms or touching your genitals and nipples. It’s a great position for new parents who may barely have the energy to move at the end of the day but still want to feel intimate. To level up, try going side by side, which is like spooning. Both lie on your sides but facing each other – the partner being penetrated will wrap their legs above the other partner’s legs to create room for them both and allow deeper penetration. This can feel intimate as you can look into each other’s eyes.”

Penetrative sex SHOULDN’T ALWAYS BE THE FOCUS – sex is about pleasure, which can take many forms.

Go Slow

“If you struggle to have an orgasm during sex, you’re not alone. Don’t forget that less than 25% of women are capable of achieving orgasm through penetration alone and, as clitoris owners, we rely on additional sensations to help us achieve climax. Take the foot off the expectation pedal when it comes to climax, too, as the expectation of an orgasm can put pressure on and hinder your chances. Don’t forget that your partner could be the one to blame – not you. Perhaps they aren’t stimulating you in the right way. Remember you are responsible for your own orgasm, so communication on what you enjoy is important. Take it slow, play and arouse your body, and know that orgasms aren’t based on the clock. Taking your time doesn’t mean you’ve missed your chance. Being more mindful of the moment and letting your mind loose can be a great turn-on.”

Be Intimate

“Don’t think sex is all about penetration. Penetrative sex shouldn’t always be the focus – sex is all about pleasure, which can take many forms. Be creative and look at how you can be intimate with each other. Sex accessories can turn up the dynamic when it comes to sexy fun – blindfolds are good for kinky play while a bullet vibrator can help you achieve incredible orgasms. We still have expectations of sex where penetration is seen as the end of the game with a male ejaculating, and this needs to change. Bodies, pleasure and sexuality need to be equally discussed and normalised.”

Give Erotica A Chance

“Porn gives us the opportunity to expand our ideas, experiment and fantasise, and can inspire us to new forms of play. The problem is, mainstream porn is made for men. Woman-made and woman-centred ethical sites like FrolicMe can be a good place to start, allowing you to feel comfortable and safe. However, make sure you are not rushing into watching porn together until you are able to communicate your sexual needs. Certainly, you can’t get to watching threesomes and consensual BDSM if you are struggling to convey what turns you on. Be clear why you are wanting to share watching some porn with your partner and how you feel it might help with your own adventures. This will also help guide you to what sort of erotic films you should be viewing. Don’t try to be too ambitious in your viewing and build up your preferences through experience. Chat about what turns you on and what you would like to see but also what you wouldn’t.”

Don’t Overthink It

“Sometimes we feel sex is a much bigger issue than it really is. Sex is a part of our life, not our whole life. Rather than thinking of sex, think of it as pleasure and explore what you enjoy and what gets you off. This will help to remove the noise around sex and enable you to focus on yourself, exploring your body and revelling in the euphoria it can offer you. You don’t need someone else to help you evolve sexually – you can work on your own sexual evolution, so that when you have a partner, you can teach them exactly how to please you.”

Visit FrolicMe.com

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!