— And how they affect your love life
There’s a lot that comes after the honeymoon stage
Did you know there are five stages in long-term relationships? Sex and relationship therapist Georgia Grace helps decode this viral theory.
There comes a point in every relationship where you run into the hard stuff.
Slowly, you’re not sitting on cloud nine anymore and reality sets in. The dumb way they brush their teeth and their 100-decibel snores in your ear every night becomes less of an endearing quirk and more of a fully-fledged annoyance.
At the same time, how they smile when they sleep and dance in the shower makes you fall a little bit more in love with them every day.
The relationship is growing up, and with it, the rewards and challenges do too. Then all of a sudden you move into another phase, and things change again.
As it turns out, relationships don’t consist of just a honeymoon period, and ‘the rest’. In fact, while they morph and adapt constantly, they actually consist of several distinct phases, – and the key to relationship success is understanding them all.
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In a recent video posted on TikTok, creator @hannahgetshired says “Can we normalise wanting to break up with your partner in a long-term relationship?”, before referencing a now-viral theory called the five stages of relationships theory.
While ideally, it’d be great if most of us didn’t want to dump our partners in long-term relationships, according to the theory, which is heavily informed by Knapp’s Relationship Development Model and work by the Relationship Institute, each phase consists of its own individual rewards and challenges, which can lead to couples questioning whether they’re right for each other.
“I think it’s really useful for people to see this framework to understand that it is really common for a relationship and a dynamic within a relationship to change,” says sex and relationship practitioner Georgia Grace, who uses the model when working with couples or individuals in a relationship.
And change they will. So, here’s what to expect.
The five stages of every long-term relationship
#1 Honeymoon phase
Length: Six months to one year
Ah the sweet, sweet honeymoon phase. We all know it, we all wish it lasted forever. This is the phase people often look back on as their relationship grows up – it’s all love, all the time.
“Romance, roses and rainbows – a time of intense love and attraction,” says Grace. “In the Honeymoon Stage we experience an intense surge of affection for our partner.”
“Biochemical changes in our body ignite a state of infatuation – dopamine and oxytocin peak to form a new bond.”
However, in the honeymoon phase, it’s also easy to overlook the tiny kinks and bits of friction in the relationship. And by definition, it lacks the depth that comes with longer-term relationships, relying instead on the rush of emotion and obsession over the long-lasting connection that is still to come.
#2 Uncertainty
Length: Six months to two years
When the dizzying heights of new love start to wear off, that’s when uncertainty and questioning set in.
“One of the more challenging phases is Uncertainty,” Grace tells Body+Soul. “Reality is setting in and you’re no longer experiencing the relationship when it’s free from concern, but you are actually starting to ask questions like, ‘Are we a good match?’”
These questions can be scary because it’s the first time you start to question whether a relationship can actually last, or if it’s more of a fleeting romance. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Pushing through Uncertainty is how the foundations for longevity and a strong relationship are built, which means the best is still to come.
#3 Adjustment
Length: After two years
Adjustment is when the real work in long-term relationships begins.
“In Adjustment you really start to recognise how you might be not compatible and this is where conflict often arises,’ Grace tells Body+Soul.
“We’ve seen our partner’s flaws and recognised our incompatibilities. Now we work to overcome these challenges in times of conflict.”
To make it through this phase you need communication in spades, a willingness to work through issues, and the toolkit to do so.
Grace assists her clients with developing “conflict management or conflict resolution processes, so that they can move beyond this if that’s something that they want.”
But ultimately it might not be, and many couples fold because they no longer want the same thing, or they just can’t make it work.
“Some people get to that phase and then are like ‘actually we’re too different. This isn’t going to work for us, so we need to end this relationship’.”
#4 Commitment
Length: After two years
The Commitment stage marks the easing of the storm. A couple has realised their differences, and probably had disagreements about them, but they’re coming out the other side, committing to try despite their small incompatibilities.
Grace says this is a time when couples examine their expectations of the other, and ultimately decide “whether to stay – or go.”
#5 Acceptance
Length: Five years plus
Acceptance is almost like the grown-up version of the honeymoon. The relationship isn’t marked by infatuation or obsession, but by stability, togetherness and boundaries. In healthy relationships, there’s a level of comfort that can be just as enthralling as new love, because you’ve found a person who is seemingly also in it for the long run – and what’s better than that?
Rinse and repeat
This theory is cyclical, and for very long-term relationships, they may get to the ‘end’ of the circle in Acceptance and then find themselves right back in the Honeymoon phase, before moving back through the process all over again.
Other factors can also come in and shake things up too. Grace tells Body+Soul, “Maybe you’ve had kids together or there’s been infidelity, or you’re working through something, or it’s just the natural cycle of a relationship, and you’ve got to that final stage of Acceptance and this long-term love. But then the novelty and excitement has gone out of the relationship.” This situation could move couples back into a period of Uncertainty, which they will then have to work through, before hopefully finding their way back to a period of Acceptance.
But the second time around will never look like the first. “We need to allow for our partners to be able to surprise us and to change,” Grace tells Body+Soul. “[We can’t] hold them to the person that they were when we met them a few years ago.”
So, even as the relationship returns to ‘earlier’ phases, they will always look different, as the couple is constantly developing and growing up – either towards each other or apart.
How to use the theory
Just as the model is cyclical, it’s also not always linear. And similarly, having awareness of the model isn’t always enough to save you. Slipping from Acceptance back into feelings of Uncertainty can be terrifying, and often, knowing that’s what’s happening isn’t enough to pull it back out.
But while it can be a limiting model – Grace believes it “can be really validating for people to learn that any relationship will go through its changes,” which can challenge and refocus the couple as a result.
Our suggestion? Use it as a compass – to know where you might be heading, and what you can expect during that time – but not as a crystal ball, because really, you never know what’s going to happen.
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