— Sex Experts Share Their Takes And Debunk The Biggest Myths

“Vanilla is a delicious flavor.”

By Sabrina Talbert

When you hear the words “vanilla sex,” what do you think? What kinds of adjectives come to mind? If you’re like many people, you might have a generalized or inaccurate perception of what vanilla looks like: Some people assume it’s uninteresting, boring, or only practiced by people of certain age groups, but that’s far from the truth. No matter what social media or TV shows have taught you about vanilla sex, the term actually has a straightforward, useful meaning—and no, it’s not meant to shame people who aren’t particularly kinky.

The word “vanilla” is used in the kink community as a way to distinguish stereotypical sex from kinky, fetishistic, or BDSM environments, says Sarah Melancon, PhD, a sociologist, sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com. Having this term is important because it helps differentiate what sex looks like to different people, she explains.

“People [who practice vanilla sex] don’t really call it vanilla sex, they’re calling it sex. They don’t need to designate it, because it’s just what sex is to them,” says Melancon. And, BTW, there’s nothing wrong with that. There are even a few benefits to vanilla sex, but more on that in a moment.

Ahead, experts share insight on what it really means to be vanilla, its benefits, and common misconceptions about this kind of sex.

Meet the Experts:
Sarah Melancon, PhD, is a sociologist, sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com.

Gigi Engle is a sex and intimacy expert for 3Fun.

Gloria Brame, PhD, is a sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of Different Loving Too: Real People, Real Lives, Real BDSM.

The definition of vanilla sex can be subjective, but broadly speaking, it’s anything that falls under the umbrella of “normative” sex. “Some people define it as just PIV [penis-in-vagina] intercourse, but most people would expand that to include oral sex as well,” says Gigi Engle, a sex and intimacy expert for 3Fun. “It’s your standard sex, essentially.”

Why “vanilla,” though? ” Etymologists have struggled with its origin, but despite the wrangling, most sex historians agree that the kink world circa 1970s gets the credit for using ‘vanilla’ to refer to conventional sex,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, a sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of Different Loving Too: Real People, Real Lives, Real BDSM.

In the ’70s, flavors like vanilla were used because it was an easy way of explaining how everyone likes different things—not just in the bedroom, but in life. Using a food with many variations, such as ice cream, was easier for people to understand. “By the 1980s,” adds Brame, “the term took hold throughout the rapidly-growing BDSM communities and finally reached mainstream usage.” (The more you know!)

These days, “vanilla” can also refer to what someone may or may not like in the bedroom. “[It’s] sex that isn’t kinky. So if you say you have vanilla sex, what you’re saying is ‘I’m not into kink,’ and there’s nothing wrong with that,” says Engle.

What are some misconceptions about vanilla sex?

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of unnecessary judgement surrounding the idea of vanilla sex, which can result in shame. “People will be embarrassed that they’re vanilla or they’ll say it as if it’s a bad thing,” says Engle. “But vanilla is a delicious flavor! It’s fine if that’s what you want to be.”

Below are some of the most common misconceptions, debunked.

• It’s boring. Can sex be boring? Absolutely, but the fact that it’s vanilla isn’t what makes it that way. “Any sex that you have repeatedly can become boring. As humans, we crave novelty… changing up the routine is helpful for that,” says Engle. In short, you don’t have to engage in wild, risky, or explosive sex to have a great sex life. You can do something as simple as trying out a new position, bringing in a toy, or even switching up where you have sex.
• It’s less evolved. Some people feel like vanilla sex is barely scraping the surface of any kind of sex at all. This idea can also stem from the judgment of others, even if the person having vanilla sex is satisfied. “For some people, it is the end point. For others, [vanilla sex] is part of an evolutionary process,” says Melancon. But whether or not vanilla is one of your go-to flavors, “it’s no less evolved than anything else,” she adds.
• It’s not for queer people. Because of stereotypes around queer sex and the misconception that vanilla sex is just PIV intercourse, many people assume that queer couples don’t engage in vanilla sex. But because vanilla sex is just non-kinky, it’s possible to be queer and prefer vanilla sex, says Engle. “A lot of queer people have basic, queer sex, and it might not even be inclusive of sex toys,” she explains.

• It’s not pleasurable. Because a lot of people define vanilla sex as straightforward PIV intercourse, there’s a misconception that, within cis-heterosexual dynamics, vanilla sex is less pleasurable for women. But in fact, women are more likely to orgasm during sex when they receive oral, try new sex positions, and engage in deep kissing, according to a 2017 study from Archives of Sexual Behavior—all of which can be incorporated into vanilla sex (and often are).On the flip side, there’s also a widespread idea that men don’t find vanilla sex enjoyable since it might not live up to the performative standards set in porn. This isn’t true: In fact, a lot of the sex highlighted in porn could still be considered vanilla, notes Engle. “Vanilla sex doesn’t always mean passionate and loving. It can still be rough sex and be considered vanilla,” she says.

Ultimately, people of all genders can enjoy and get off from vanilla sex. “Good sex is subjective,” Engle says. “It really depends on the people who are having it and the things they like to do.”

What are the benefits of vanilla sex?

No matter what kind of sex you’re having, the most important thing is that it’s enjoyable. But, if you haven’t had a lot of vanilla sex, there are some possible benefits to giving it a try.

Just the simplicity of engaging in vanilla sex can be an approach to mindfulness in the bedroom, Melancon says. “It’s just you enjoying your ability to feel sexual sensations and enjoying an experience. So I think it can be really intimate,” she adds. “It can help us be more present and feel a different level of connection.”

It may allow people to engage their senses more, says Melancon. For example, you may be able to zone in on the sound of your partner breathing, the scent of their body, or the taste of their mouth.

If you prefer to engage in kinkier sex (which, no shame!), having some vanilla experiences can still help your sex life. “Couples who are very into kink sometimes don’t have time for everything, so it can be beneficial to keep your sexual relationship alive to also have vanilla sex involved,” says Engle. This may also be the case for those with kids or busy lifestyles.

What if my partner and I aren’t on the same page about vanilla sex?

So, one of you prefers vanilla sex and the other is kinkier—while it might seem daunting to address these differences, this is where compromise comes into play. To start, know that sexual compatibility is important. And while people are often told to stick things out when there’s an incompatibility, it’s not something you have to tolerate long-term. “Not being on the same page [sexually] is a legitimate reason to end a relationship,” says Engle. “It’s totally okay to end a relationship if it comes to that, and you can’t find a compromise.”

The good news, though, is that it’s possible to compromise in a way that leaves all parties happy and satisfied, according to Engle and Melancon. As long as there’s a good degree of overlap in sexual interests and kinks, successful compromise is possible, says Melancon. Being honest with yourself about what you do and don’t like will also help you communicate your sexual desires and boundaries better with your partner.

If you’re not sure how to explore your interests outside of the bedroom with your partner, Engle suggests finding a “yes, no, maybe” list online and taking time to go through what might be on or off the table.

You should also be mindful of when and how you bring up sexual incompatibilities with your partner. “It’s all about timing, tone, and turf,” says Engle. “You want to make sure you’re in a neutral place—not in the bedroom, not in the middle of the work day. Set time aside, sit down in the living room where it’s neutral, and come to the conversation with a really open mind.”

When it’s time to start the conversation, Engle notes that getting your partner’s consent is essential. This can sound like, for example, “Hey babe, sex is important to me and our relationship, and I really want to explore this with you. Are you in a place where you’d be open to having that conversation?” From there, you can exchange interests and work on a compromise together.

So, is there anything wrong with vanilla sex?

No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla sex. Vanilla sex can be just as rich, intimate, pleasurable, and fulfilling as any other sex. Whether you’re into kink or vanilla, it’s all of equal value, so long as consent and respect are part of the foundation.

“[In a] sex-positive world, we want to be so accepting of everyone. But in the process of that, it can make normative sex look boring or uninteresting,” says Melancon. “There are [many] ‘flavors,’ so to speak… It doesn’t mean that anyone is less than.”

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