A beginner’s guide to sensation play

— You can still get kinky, even if pain isn’t your thing.

By Gigi Engle

When you think of kink and BDSM, what do you imagine? We’re guessing dark dungeons, paddles, crops, black leather, and pain-play. Scenes of spanking and paddling tend to come to mind.

But this perception is rather limiting. It doesn’t take the whole breadth of kink activities into consideration, which can leave a lot of curious would-be kinksters high and dry.

Well, guess what, sexy pals! For those who aren’t into pain-play, kink is still accessible. This is where the glorious art of sensory play — aka sensation play — comes in. “Pain never needs to be involved in sensual sensory play,” explains Dr. Celina Criss(Opens in a new tab), a certified sex coach who specializes in BDSM and GSRD, or gender, sexual, and romantic diversity. “Think gentle touches, delicious flavors, delightful scents, different kinds of light, and beautiful soundtracks. The clothes we wear and the settings we create can be a big part of this sort of play.”

Kink is all about playing with power dynamics. At its core, it is when a submissive partner enthusiastically gives power to the Dominant partner. The give and take is the crux, not the whips and spankings. If we’ve whetted your appetite, keep reading.

With kink misinformation rife on the internet amid the online sexual misinformation crisis, Mashable spoke to reputable kink experts to break down the nuts and bolts of sensory play, what makes it so appealing, and how you can try it for yourself.

What is sensory play?

Sensory play = play that engages the senses.

Meaning, play involving touch, smell, taste, sound, and vision. If this sounds expansive, well, that’s because it is. “Sensory play is deliberately engaging the senses to explore pleasure. This is where we get the word sensual, it can mean nearly anything in a play context,” Criss says.

Sensory play focuses on either enhancing a sense (or senses), or depriving you of a sense in order to heighten the others, “such as using a blindfold so you can’t see,” says Zachary Zane(Opens in a new tab), author of Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto(Opens in a new tab) and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy(Opens in a new tab).

The appeal of this kind of play is that when we take away a sense — or experience intense stimulation, our brain-body connection gets stronger. It brings heightened awareness. When we experience this kind of hyper-focus, we’re flooded with positive brain chemicals like oxytocin and endorphins. When this play is sexual, it can lead to deep erotic feelings.

How sensory play can be enjoyed without pain

OK, so let’s break down where sensory play and pain play intersect. Pain-play is sensory play — because you are experiencing the pain through tactile sensation. BUT, not all sensory play is pain play. You can think of sensory play as the big umbrella term, with pain play as a subset. People can enjoy both general sensory play and pain play, or they can prefer one or the other. Sensory play goes beyond the tactile and branches into all five senses.

Don’t yuck anyone else’s yum. We’re all just trying to get nasty and enjoy ourselves.

Kink instructor Julieta Chiaramonte(Opens in a new tab), tells us that, “You can enjoy pain-free sensory play with things like massaging, tickling, feeding each other fruit, blindfolding, erotic music, etc. They all play a part in[to] a larger, more sensory experience.”

It’s about curiosity and all of that delicious power play, experienced in a way that brings in sensuality. Kink and pain can work together, but it doesn’t mean they need to go together to be valid. Don’t yuck anyone else’s yum. We’re all just trying to get nasty and enjoy ourselves.

How sensory play is enjoyed

The way your sensory play scene is played out is going to depend entirely on the activities you and your partner want to try, what feels good for you, and your boundaries. Each scene is a highly negotiated, co-constructed experience. No two are perfectly alike because they are as unique as the people engaging in them.

Some examples include:

  • Using a blindfold to remove sight.
  • Covering bodies in whipped cream to be licked off.
  • Bondage (with handcuffs, ropes, harnesses, cages, etc.)
  • Using a feather (or other tool) to caress the skin.
  • Using ice or heat to play with temperature on the skin.
  • Putting on a hood to completely block out light.
  • Massage.
  • Playing with edging.
  • Eating/feeding different fruits or foods.
  • Playing with sex toys.
  • Spanking and paddling in a soft, painless way.

This list is certainly not exhaustive, but it does give you a good picture of what this can look like for those who love it. It’s important to note that play such as spanking and paddling can still be done in a pain-free way. “I can’t emphasize enough that you don’t need to go hard. Light paddling and spanking can go a long way,” Zane tells us. “You really, really do not need to wallop your partner for an enhanced sexual experience.”

If you’re brand new to this play, Chiaramonte suggests creating a “storyline” for the scene. It could look something like this, for example: “Putting on a good playlist and giving your partner a massage. When done and relaxed, blindfold your partner and trail a feather across their body, feed them fruit/chocolate, and maybe run a vibrator around their body (having them tell you which spots feel best). When done with your sensory tools, you can scoop up your partner and hold them to slowly bring them back to reality.”

Are you turned on yet? We are.

Four expert-approved tips for getting started

Get started on your own.

When you’re new to any kind of play, trying it on your own can be a good way to figure out what you like (and what you don’t). Chiaramonte suggests getting a bunch of sensory tools together and experimenting. “A lot like masturbation, we can fine tune our intimate tools if we’ve already explored what we like/don’t like,” she says. Try using each one for ~10 minutes and think about what you did/did not like.

Kink needs to be fully negotiated so that each person has their desires and boundaries respected.

Discuss your desires and boundaries openly.

Once you have a clear idea of what you enjoy and don’t enjoy, you’ll be equipped to have an open and honest discussion with your partner. Kink needs to be fully negotiated so that each person has their desires and boundaries respected. Don’t forget to pick a non-sexual safe word (a word that lets your partner know you’re at a boundary). Check in with your partner occasionally to make sure everyone is enjoying themselves.

Get some tools.

What to play with, when there are infinite choices?! Criss suggests playing with sound and sight to start. Try making a sexy playlist and using a simple blindfold. Staying simple when you’re starting out can make the play feel less overwhelming.

You can also get a massage candle, which heats up to the perfect temperature and then creates a warm, delicious oil you can pour all over your partner for a massage.

If you want to buy some bondage gear, Zane recommends the Bondage Boutique Bound to Please Black Under Mattress Restraint(Opens in a new tab). At less than $50, you can’t go wrong.

Disclaimer: This play needs to be done with care and safety. Learn how to use restraints before going wild with them. The best place to go? Chiaramonte’s rope tying and kink classes. Check them out here(Opens in a new tab).

Stay curious!

And lastly, and possibly most important: Stay curious. This play should be fun and explorative. It can be silly, hot, funny, awkward, and amazing. Be willing to lean into all the emotions it brings and enjoy yourself.

Complete Article HERE!

What Is The Hanky Code?

— The History Behind Gay Flagging and How to Do It Today

The hanky code is an intricate system of colorful bandanas.

Starting as a way to subvert homophobic sodomy laws, flagging remains an important part of queer spaces today.

By

If you’ve been to a historic gay bar or queer leather archive, you’ve likely spotted a subtle accessory that you may not realize is an iconic part of LGBTQ+ history: a simple colorful bandana.

Flagging, also known as the “hanky code,” is a way to wordlessly tell other queer people your sexual preferences. In a nutshell, it involves wearing different colors of bandanas in your pockets — left or right, respectively, to signal top/dom or bottom/submissive roles — to indicate different kinks, fantasies, and other sexual interests to the world. The system originated in the ‘70s, a time when it was illegal in most places to have queer sex. Like leather bars and BDSM spaces, flagging is an iconic part of queer history that’s alive and well to this day.

If you’re unfamiliar with the ins and outs of hanky code, you’ll want to do some research before grabbing your bandanas. What significance does the hanky code hold in queer history? What do all of the colors in the hanky code mean? Should you go to the bar wearing a handsome handkerchief hanging from your back pocket tomorrow night? Let’s get down to business and answer all these pressing questions.

What is flagging?

The Hanky Code 101 The History Behind Gay Flagging
Courtesy of Hal Fischer. Signifiers for a Male Response, from the series Gay Semiotics, 1977.

Flagging’s origins can be traced to the prosecution of queer people and queer sex, as researcher and author Jack Gieseking tells Them. In the 1960s, state sodomy laws were introduced across the U.S. to criminalize queer sex, though local laws banned cruising as early as the 1920s. Two men who entered a hotel together could be arrested on suspicion of sodomy, and so queer sex was often had in dark public places with low foot traffic, like parks, waterfronts, subway stations, and other abandoned or industrial areas that weren’t surveilled.

As a result, communities developed a system of “flagging,” using colored handkerchiefs to subtly indicate sexual preferences among those in the know, usually as a signal to other queer people. “I think [flagging] comes out of gay men not being able to talk so much in a lot of these spaces, which tend to be quiet and outdoors,” Gieseking says. “Here’s a way to just signal what I want.”

People who are well-versed in the meaning of different hankies can tell, at a glance, what sexual activities others are looking for. Folks can indicate what kind of sex they’re looking for by using different colors and if they want to top or bottom by placing it in their left or right pocket. For example, if someone has a red hanky in their left pocket, they are looking to fist someone. If the red hanky is in someone’s right pocket, it means they want to get fisted.

Make sure you know what you’re flagging, and remember that codes like these are not a replacement for having a conversation about what you and your prospective partner are looking for. Consent is key, and you should never assume that somebody is immediately down for whatever they’re flagging without further communication.

What is the history of the hanky code?

The hanky code’s exact origins are difficult to pin down. According to Nikita Shepard, a Columbia University Ph.D. candidate studying queer history, we know it rose in popularity in the 1970s among gay urban leather scenes, particularly in San Francisco and Los Angeles. Many male-male sexual cultures post-World War II were organized around motorcycle clubs, leather bars, and sadomasochistic sexual practices, where patrons would convey their sexual interests via cues in their clothing or accessories, such as wearing keys on the left or right belt loops of their jeans. According to Shepard, some of the earliest recorded versions of the hanky code were found in one of the definitive guides to sexuality and subculture in the late 20th century: the second edition of Larry Townsend’s Leatherman’s Handbook, first published in 1983.

The Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago.
As leather and BDSM aesthetics become more mainstream than ever, this institution reminds us that leatherfolk have long been at the forefront of essential fights for queer rights.

Gieseking says one of the earliest archived mentions of the hanky code in lesbian spaces can be found in the very first issue of On Our Backs, a lesbian erotic magazine, published in 1984. This publication featured a variety of hanky colors beyond the code published in Leatherman’s Handbook, like white lace for Victorian scenes, maroon for menstruation, and pink for breast fondling. Gieseking says this is an example of how queer people reinterpreted the hanky code and made it their own depending on their scene.

“There is no central queer body of people defining what queerness is; if there was, queers would take it apart,” Gieseking says. “It’s impossible to find one central body of knowledge about anything about us. And you’ll get these different versions because you’re going to get different geographies and different groups of people over time at different places, and they’ll get a hold of one list, and they’ll add to it.”

Because of this lack of standardization, you’ll find varying online hanky codes with dozens of different colors, and huge differences in meaning represented by a small shift in shade. It’s hard to imagine that people could pick up on whether a hankie was yellow or apricot in the low light of a club or park, which could theoretically lead to some confusing and unfortunate sex.

What Do the Different Colors Mean?

While there is no singular authority on what specific colors mean in the hanky code, there are some hankies that sources agree are among the oldest and most enduring colors, according to Nikita Shepard. These colors include red for fisting, yellow for water sports (or piss play for those who don’t know), dark blue for anal sex, black for sadomasochism, and brown for scat play.

While these might be the “original” flagging colors, the hanky code has expanded well beyond these five, so feel free to have fun and figure out what hanky color ties into your particular niche kinks.

Like many aspects of queer culture, flagging has only expanded into online spaces, meaning many more colors have been added to the code. Because anyone can add to the hanky code on the world wide web, these new colors can be subjective. Some versions of different flag codes include this key from LGBTQ+ history non-profit The Saint Foundation, another list from leather organization ONYX, and this 2010’s blog dedicated to the hanky code. And if you need to add a new one, keep in mind that you’re following a beautiful tradition of decentralized queer knowledge and culture. Have at it!

Flagging in the 21st Century

Despite the rich history of flagging, the prevalence of images laying out the hanky code online, and the plain fun of having a secret sartorial code that only other queers understand, the hanky code isn’t as popular today as it once was. You may still see people flagging at leather or cruising bars, but the practice is much less popular than it was in the ‘70s and ‘80s.

Image may contain: Art, Modern Art, Painting, Human, Person, and Canvas
Queer sex experts explained what top, bottom, vers mean in the bedroom.

Gieseking says that, to them, flagging always feels like it’s about to have a resurgence, but the increased surveillance of public spaces, and the closure of many queer public-private spaces, has removed most of the places where people could or would need to flag.

“The privatization of public spaces, public parks, and their policing — which is [due to] a white middle-class concern — really erased a lot of sex in public,” Gieseking points out.

Gieseking points to a number of other reasons why flagging’s popularity is, well, flagging, from the rise of digital surveillance to a decline in cruising spaces and queer bars. But like the hanky code itself, the practice has moved increasingly online onto platforms like TikTok and Instagram where people who off their colorful bandanas. And while the hanky code’s popularity is constantly waxing and waning due to shifts in queer spaces, the benefits of the code stay consistent.

“Hanky code both reflected and contributed to the sex-positive, nonjudgmental, liberationist attitudes towards erotic desire that gay, leather, and kink communities have long led the way in promoting,” Shepard says.

The flagging code ultimately is an important part of queer community building and history that gives people access to information about a wide variety of erotic practices of which they otherwise may not have learned. By placing erotic acts such as fellatio and anal intercourse, both considered relatively “vanilla,” alongside acts that are often considered extreme and outlandish, the hanky code reduced, and still reduces, sexual stigma among the queer community. It’s important to keep celebrating queer sexuality and kink, especially in the face of the larger puritanical society.

Complete Article HERE!

Young people are more likely to accept gay couples

— And to identify as gay

A sign outside the House chamber at the Statehouse in Indianapolis on Monday.

By

As it does regularly, Gallup asked Americans last year if they identified as straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. About 7 percent of Americans said they identified as one of the latter four categories, essentially the same percentage as identified that way in 2021.

There was an interesting divide, though. When Gallup broke out responses by age, it found that younger Americans were much more likely to identify as LGBT (the Gallup poll excluded “queer,” so no “Q”) than older ones. Only about 2 percent of those in the Silent Generation (born during or before World War II) identified as LGBT. By contrast, about 20 percent of Gen Z (should be known as Lockdowners) chose one of the LGBT options.

This phenomenon is not new. The divide between older and younger Americans on self-identification has been a subject of debate for some time and is often cited in rhetoric targeting the perceived liberalizing effect of education and culture. As Florida considered legislation passed last year that limited discussion of same-sex relationships in schools, the dangerous idea that kids were being actively encouraged to be gay became prevalent in right-wing rhetoric.

There is a simpler explanation, one that grants adults the agency of their choices. Decades of hostility to same-sex relationships loosened in recent years, and younger Americans grew up in a country that was less hostile to gay relationships than it used to be. And, therefore, they’re more comfortable expressing their sexual identities openly.

We can see the trend in acceptance of same-sex relationships in the General Social Survey (GSS), a national poll fielded every two years. (The 2020 survey was postponed to 2021 because of the pandemic.) Since the early 1970s, respondents have been asked how they view sexual relations between members of the same sex. After rising slightly in the 1980s — no doubt influenced in part by the AIDS epidemic — there has been a steady decline in the percentage of Americans who say same-sex relationships are always wrong. Importantly, that decline has been seen in every generational group, even those who haven’t attended elementary school in half a century.

We only have good data for members of Gen Z and younger groups in the past two GSS polls. Since only a relatively small group of members of that generation were surveyed in 2018, there’s a greater margin of error for that year. That probably helps explain the seeming jump in the 2021 figure.

Importantly, there is a correlation between the extent to which generations view same-sex relationships as always wrong and the extent to which members identify as LGBT in Gallup’s data. Gen Z is least likely to view those relationships as wrong (the dot farthest to the left on the graph below) and most likely to identify that way (highest). (The graph also indicates where the Gen Z dot would be using the 2018 GSS data. It’s visible as a light red dot behind the “G” in the label for the vertical axis.)

In the abstract, this could be seen as evidence in favor of the idea that young people were being trained to view LGBTQ relationships as acceptable. But this does not account for the downward shift in opposition to same-sex relationships among members of other generations.

It also ignores other lessons from American history. In 2015, The Washington Post presented this graph, showing how identification of children as left-handed rose during the 20th century and then plateaued at about 1 in 8 kids.

Kids weren’t being groomed to be lefties. Quite the opposite: When my mother was young, she was told to learn to write with her right hand. Over time, that idea fell out of favor and lefties could simply be lefties. The percentage of the population that is left-handed stabilized.

Perhaps what’s happening with LGBTQ identification is analogous. Perhaps the change isn’t that kids are being encouraged to be gay when they aren’t; perhaps it’s that they feel free to identify that way if they are — a freedom older Americans didn’t enjoy. A freedom some still see an unacceptable for themselves or in their peer groups.

Maybe what Gallup is doing, then, is simply more accurately measuring reality.

Complete Article HERE!

20 common sexual kinks

— And why it’s totally normal to have a kink

By

  • There’s nothing unusual about having a kink — some evidence suggests half the population has one.
  • A few examples of kinks include bondage, impact play aka spanking, discipline, and role play.
  • Before exploring kinks with your partners, start with consent, communication, and clear boundaries.

As any pleasure-seeker or social scroller knows, a kink isn’t just a knot in your neck. It also refers to your sexual preferences.

“A kink is a sexual interest that is outside of the ordinary,” says certified sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova, founder of The Millennial Sexpert and educator with Lovehoney.
Of course, what qualifies as ordinary sex — or vanilla sex — varies by person, as well as cultural context, and so does what qualifies as kinky.

“It’s entirely subjective,” Frye-Nekrasova says. Some individuals might say they have a doggy style kink because they like to hit it from the back, for instance. Meanwhile, others might say they’re kinky because whips and chains excite them. Still, about half the population reports having interest in at least one non-vanilla sex act.

Note, however, that a kink is different from a fetish. While a kink expresses an interest in a sexual act, “a fetish is a fixation on an object or body part for sexual gratification,” Frye-Nekrasova says.

To put it simply, a kink is something you do to get turned on, while a fetish is a thing you need to get turned on.

Semantics of kink versus fetish aside, there’s no shortage of things people might be into in the bedroom (or, uh, dungeon). Below, kink educators explain 20 of the most common kinks, outlining why someone might think it’s hot and sharing tips for your own sexperiments.

1. Age gap

An age-gap kink is a kink for role play where adult-aged folks act out, and are turned on by, fantasies that involve a difference in ages, says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of Early to Bed, an education-focused sex shop in Chicago.

For instance, one partner might play “baby” and put on a diaper, while the other plays “Mommy” or “Daddy” — this dynamic in particular is known as “daddy dominant–baby girl.” One partner might also pretend to be a college-aged student, while another pretends to be a professor.

“It’s important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are,” Deysach says. Any illicit contact or conversations with minors is a felony.

2. Bondage

Bondage is the B in “BDSM.” In full, “the acronym stands for bondage, discipline/dominance, submission/sadism, and masochism,” Deysach says.

At its most distilled, “an individual interested in bondage when they are interested in being restrained or restricted, or restraining or restricting their partner,” says Lisa Finn, a sex educator with sex-toy emporium Babeland.

Bondage can involve anything from ropes and ribbons to zip-ties and saran wrap, and it may appeal to folks for a variety of reasons.

“Some people like the aesthetic of a restrained body, others like the sensation of the bondage material on their skin, and others like the way it reinstates power dynamics,” Finn says.

3. Cock and ball torture

Cock and ball torture, sometimes known simply as CBT (not to be confused with cognitive behavioral therapy), is a fetish marked by the desire to have pain inflicted on your own penis or testicles — or the desire to inflict said pain.

“This pain can be achieved through pulling, stretching, or even stepping on one’s bits,” Deysach says.

CBT may also involve the use of cock cages, urethral sounding, genital flogging, and more, and she says.

4. Cuckolding

Someone has a cuckolding kink when they enjoy watching their partner have sex with other people — either in the same room, or via Facetime or video, Deysach says.

Historically, the term was used specifically to refer to married men who wanted to watch their wives have sex with other men, but according to Deysach, the term can be applied to folks of any gender, sexuality, or marital status.

“The thrill of watching your lover have sex with another person is something that folks across the gender spectrum can find exciting and kinky,” Deysach says.

Typically, when someone uses the term cuckold, it implies that humiliation is involved, she says. For some people, the act of watching a partner have sex with someone else — for instance, someone with a larger penis or more sexual skills — is humiliating, and it’s this emotional sensation that turns them on.

“But for others it can be a more open term just to refer to the thrill of watching your lover partner with another while you sit on the sidelines,” she says.

5. Discipline

According to Finn, discipline is a form of roleplay where certain acts are framed as “corrective” or as “punishment.”

This kink often involves a more dominant partner setting rules or expectations for a more submissive partner— and if the more submissive partner breaks those rules, there are consequences, Finn says.

These consequences can include physical acts like spanking or other impact play or mental and emotional acts like humiliation or testing their partner, according to Finn.

To be super-duper clear: “Disciplinary play is a form of roleplay — it shouldn’t actually be used as a way to resolve conflict with real-world repercussions,” Finn says.

6. Dominance

The D in BDSM can also stand for “dominance.”

Dominance is the act of consensually taking control or holding the power in a scene or sexual dynamic with their partner, Finn says.

While a dominant partner plays the role of “Large and In Charge,” the submissive partner should still always have autonomy over the situation, Finn says. For instance, they may negotiate the scene before play and use safewords and gestures throughout.

7. Erotic asphyxiation

Erotic asphyxiation, AKA breath play, is the act of controlling how much access you have to oxygen for the sake of power, play, and pleasure.

“When someone is choking you, they could seriously hurt you, even kill you,” says sex educator Zachary Zane, author of “Boyslut: A Memoir and Manifesto” and sex expert for Momentum Intimacy. This involves an element of absolute submission to that partner, he says.

Many people also enjoy the physical sensations often associated with being deprived of air, such as tingling, a spreading warmth, and quickened heart rate.

“There’s a high many people experience from it when they do finally get a gulp of air,” he says.

8. Foot fetish

A foot fetish is marked by a sexual interest in feet, which can be the entirety of the foot or focused specifically on the toes, arch of the foot, or ankle.

Some people are turned on by servicing feet, Frye-Nekrasova says, which can be accomplished with a foot massage or at-home pedicure, for instance. Other people are turned on by the idea of doing something “dirty” — feet, after all, are usually the part of the body that touches the ground and dirt beneath.

“There are so many ways to incorporate feet into your sex life,” Frye-Nekrasova says. Some people like to give a footjob, which is essentially a handjob with your feet, she says. “Meanwhile, other people enjoy the sensation of having their toes sucked, or sucking,” she says.

9. Hentai

“Hentai refers to a specific type of Japanese illustration that often depicts overtly sexual scenes and scenarios,” Deysach says.

A popular porn genre, hentai erotica often features tentacled beings, monsters, and other-worldly creatures.

“There is often an element of force and control associated with hentai porn,” Zane says. For instance, hentai-inspired fantasy could involve an octopus forcing all of its tentacles inside the receiver’s hole(s).

10. Impact play

Impact play is the broad name for sex that involves the use of hands, paddles, whips, flogs, or crops on a partner’s meatiest, or most nerve-dense, parts.

“Impact types of play can involve light playful actions or more serious and painful sensations,” Deysach says. Depending on what the consenting parties have agreed to, the impact can be a form of punishment or just delivered as part of sensational play.

For some people, for instance, a light smack on the bum while riding their partner’s dick or dildo is adequate. Meanwhile, someone else might want to be smacked with a paddle hard enough that it leaves marks.

11. Knismolagnia

The word ‘knismolagnia’ may bring to mind mystery meat, but it’s actually the name for a tickling fetish.

Folks with this fetish are turned on by the sensation of being tickled by anything from human fingers and feathers, to vibrators or electrical stimulation toys.

In some instances, the person being tickled is also tied down, but not always, Finn says.

“A tickling fetish is unique because someone is smiling and laughing while they’re being tickled, even though it is uncomfortable and intense. There really isn’t any other kink where your body responds to discomfort with a reflexive laugh,” Zane says.

So generally, tickling is considered a more “playful” kink, though it can be very intense.

12. Lactation

Being very into a lover’s body fluids is quite common — and for some people, breast milk is one of those fluids.

“Some people find the miraculousness of the human body’s ability to create milk arousing. Other people are turned on by the rarity of the experience, since lactation generally only happens after a baby is born,” Frye-Nekrasova says.

According to Frye-Nekrasova, a lactation kink may also be tied to an age gap or age play kink, where someone feels aroused at the thought of pretending to be a breast-fed baby once again.

13. Masochism

The M in BDSM and the complement to sadism, “masochism is the act of erotic enjoyment in experiencing pain, humiliation, or intense sensation, ” Finn says.

The mental or physical pain associated with masochism can be delivered by yourself or by a partner, they say.

14. Pregnancy

Even though penis-in-vagina intercourse is (usually) required for an individual to become pregnant, there’s still stigma around pregnant people being sexual, Deysach says.

According to Deysach, some people are aroused by that stigma and feel naughty when they’re turned on by pregnant folks.

“Other people might have had a particularly electric sexual experience with someone who was pregnant and now mentally associate pregnancy and hot sex,” she says.

Pregnancy kinks can also include the eroticization of lactation, darkened nipples, swollen ankles, or any other signs and symptoms of pregnancy, she says.

15. Role play

Role play is a common kink that involves pretending to be someone other than who you really are.

“There are lots of reasons why someone might want to try role playing — for some people, it’s as simple as a desire to try something new and infuse a little excitement into their sex life,” Deysach says.

According to Deysach, shedding your day-to-day persona and “becoming” someone else can be a way to let go and enjoy sex more.

“It can be a thrill and it can be a comfort,” Deysach says.

16. Sensation play

Sensation play is the broad name for types of touch that involve stimulating your nerve endings in unique ways.

Sensation play can be done by experimenting with different temperatures — for instance, with candles, wax, or ice cubes, Finn says.

It can also be explored by teasing your nerves with tools like Wartenberg wheels, feather ticklers, or electrical stimulation wands, they say.

17. Tentacles

A tentacle kink refers to someone being turned on by the idea of being penetrated or otherwise sexually engaging with tentacles or creatures that have tentacles, Deysach says.

For some people, the eroticism comes from the slipperiness or the tactile idea of a tentacle, she says.

“For others the tentacle fantasy is connected to fantasies of being restrained by or being ‘forced’ into sexual situations by an otherworldly creature,” she says.

18. Urethral sounding

“Sounding is a sexual practice of inserting metal rods into the urethra,” says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon with The Sex Toy Collective.

While urethral sounding can be performed on anyone with a urethra, it’s most commonly performed on the penis. The head of the penis is incredibly nerve-dense, and stimulating those nerves through urethral stimulation can be pleasurable for some people.

Plus, if you go deep enough you can touch the prostate, which may, in some cases, lead to a prostate orgasm.

19. Voyeurism

Voyeurism is a fetish where you get sexual gratification by watching other people engage in sex. It’s considered a complement to exhibitionism, where you find it arousing to have sex while other people watch.

Ethically and legally speaking, this kink can get tricky. “Folks spying on others without consent is a crime,” Deysach says.

However, it’s possible to set up consensual scenarios where you observe others having sex, she says. Consensual voyeurism could include attending sex parties, kink festivals, hiring a cam girl, or paying multiple sex workers.

20. Wax play

Sure, you’ve heard of lighting candles to set a mood — but wax play goes beyond creating an ambiance. Wax play is a type of sensation play that involves dripping wax onto your partner, or having it dripped onto you.

Some people are into wax play because it feels like dancing with danger, others are into it because the heat of the wax feels erotic when juxtaposed to the cool air of the bedroom.

Insider’s takeaway

Sex, no matter where it falls on the vanilla to kinky spectrum, is designed to bring pleasure — and that holds true whether sex is solo, partnered, or multi-partnered.

Adding elements of kink can be a wonderful way to infuse even more pleasure, intimacy, and spice into your sexy time.

Just be sure you and any potential partner(s) you’re exploring your kinks with prioritize consent, communication, and education over all else. “Before you try any kink, it’s best to educate yourself on how to explore that kink safely,” Finn says.

In a partnered setting, you also want to communicate about your individual limits and boundaries before getting down and dirty. Then, communicate from start to fireworks, they say. Communication, after all, is a prerequisite for pleasure.

Complete Article HERE!

Okay, So You’re Kind of, Sort of Interested in Trying Role-Play

— What Next?

By Gabrielle Kassel

Role-playing, or acting out a particular scenario or scene, isn’t just something you do with a friend before breaking up with your sensitive beau, or with a career mentor before asking for a raise. Role-play can also be used to transport any of your sexual encounters from stale to stimulating, boring to bonkers (in a good way, that is).

In a sexual sense, role-play is a term encompassing any sexual act that involves an element of “pretend,” fantasy, or make-believe for the sake of pleasure, according to Carol Queen, PhD, staff sexologist at sex-toy company Good Vibrations. To name just a few examples, sexy role-play can involve faking an accent, putting on a costume, using a thematic prop, going by a different name, pretending to be somebody else entirely, or acting out a particular power dynamic, she explains.

At a basic level, role-play can function as a way to infuse a little something new into your sex life, much like using a new vibrator might, says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of education-focused sex shop Early to Bed, in Chicago. For some, however, role-play is also a gateway into BDSM, says Dr. Queen. “Roles can offer real context for BDSM [set-ups] that, without the roles, might seem hard to get into,” she says. Consider, for instance, how a dominant and submissive power dynamic might be easier to adopt if the person who’s going to be dominant takes on a teacher role, and the submissive acts as the student.

“Some people [can access] more pleasure when they shed their day-to-day persona and become the kind of person they imagine has the hot…sex they want to have deep down.” —Searah Deysach, sex educator

There’s also an element of role-play that can unlock more carefree sex, particularly if you’re someone who struggles to see yourself in a sexual light. “Some people [can access] more pleasure when they shed their day-to-day persona and become the kind of person they imagine has the hot, raunchy, or kinky sex they want to have deep down,” says Deysach.

No matter why you’re curious to try role-play or how it might serve your sexual goals, it can be tough to go from wanting it or imagining it to actually, well, doing it with a sexual partner(s). Below, sex educators break down how to turn any role-play fantasy into your sexual reality.

How to add role-play into your sex life with confidence, according to sex educators

1. Figure out your fantasy

If you’re reading this because you have a fully fleshed-out fantasy that you want to act out but just don’t know where to start, skip ahead to step two. But if you just think role-play could be a fun way to jazz up your bedroom activities and haven’t given it much dedicated thought beyond that, you’ll want to start by noodling on the kind of role you’d like to, well, play.

For inspiration, consider your recent porn search history, movie scenes you find particularly sexy, favorite erotica novels, or the kinds of audio erotica that really get you going, suggests Deysach.

Drawing a blank? Spend a few minutes rolling the below popular role-play ideas around in your brain and body. If you feel a little tingle or jolt thinking about any of these, that could be a sign that you’ve found something you want to try.

  • Boss/employee
  • Nurse/patient
  • Massage therapist/client
  • Plumber/stay-at-home parent
  • Firefighter/person in need of rescuing
  • Savior/damsel (or dame) in distress
  • Player/virgin

2. Talk about sex, generally speaking

It will be tough to strike up a conversation about sexual role-play with a partner if you don’t really talk about sex, period. That’s why Dr. Queen suggests first fostering a culture of open communication about sex with any sexual partner, more generally.

“Start by adding sex talk wherever you can,” says Dr. Queen. This can be simple—for instance, telling a partner, “I really liked when you did x last night” the morning after a pleasure-filled romp. Or, you can ask a question to get a sex conversation going, like, “Do you have any sexual fantasies that you’d like to try?” And if you’re not getting much in the way of a response, consider volunteering your own fantasies by asking, “Want to hear mine?” Leading with vulnerability can spark vulnerability in return.

If talking openly about your own sex life just feels too intimidating, start by discussing sex when it appears in the news, or by talking about celebrity relationships, Dr. Queen suggests. “Once you get comfortable chatting about the kind of sex you imagine, say, Pete Davidson and whomever he is currently dating have, you may feel more confident talking about your own sex life,” she says.

3. Make a “Yes/No/Maybe” list with a partner

When you’re comfortable with sex talk, level up to sex activities. To start, Dr. Queen suggests making a date night out of writing a sexual “Yes/No/Maybe” list with a partner. Just like it sounds, this list involves placing any number of different sexual acts, fantasies, toys, and positions into a “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” column based on your interest (or lack thereof) in trying them.

“You and your partner(s) can each make your own list, then compare lists to figure out what you might want to add to your sex lives,” says Dr. Queen. If both of your lists slot “role-play” in either the “Yes” or “Maybe” column, you can use that as a stepping stone to talk about what elements of sexual role-play intrigue you and why, and to share role-play fantasies.

4. Discuss role-playing in more detail

There’s a B-I-G difference between dirty talking in a fake British accent and greeting a partner in bed with a stethoscope around your neck and latex gloves sheathing your hands. In other words, agreeing to role-play with a partner isn’t enough to get started; you need to get specific about who, why, and when you’ll be role-playing, says Dr. Queen.

To do so, consider asking each other the below questions:

  • What are some names you do (or do not) want to be called?
  • What are some costumes or outfits you want to wear (or take off me)?
  • What tone of voice do you want to use (or hear)?
  • When is the scene over?
  • How will you signal if you want to exit the scene early?
  • What aftercare practices should we implement after trying this?

“As with any new sexy thing that you want to try, being direct and honest with your lover is usually the best approach,” says Deysach. Let them know what you want to experience, and give them an opportunity to share their desires, too.

If they express hesitation, avoid pressuring them to say “yes,” but don’t give up all hope, either, says Deysach. “You might instead offer [role-play] as something to think about and then plan to revisit it in the future.”

5. Get educated on safe role-play practices

If your role-play fantasy veers into BDSM territory—for example, involving power imbalance, consensual non-consent, choking, breath restriction, or the like—you’d be wise to spend some time learning about how to safely explore these kinks before acting, says Dr. Queen.

The book The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino and the podcast Why Are People Into That?! with Tina Horn are good starting points. You might also look into taking an online or in-person workshop on the topic of role-play or BDSM from a sex-positive sex education brand like Babeland, Hacienda, or Velvet Lips, or from sex therapist Rachel Wright, LMFT.

6. Order any on-theme props you might need (or want)

No, you don’t need to drop coin on a sexy costume, nor do you need to order an on-theme dildo to match your role-play fantasy. But that doesn’t detract from the fact that these detail-oriented additions can certainly add to the overall experience, taking it from cerebral to corporeal. So, if you have rainy-day savings, fund your fantasy by ordering, for example, a tentacle dildo or a nurse get-up.

7. Keep it simple

If you want your sexual role-play experience to be as elaborate as, say, a Games of Thrones set, go for it. But it’s also important to acknowledge that it doesn’t have to be. Phew. “You and your partner can have a role-play experience where you do not change anything from your typical sexual encounter except what you wear or what you call each other,” says Dr. Queen.

For your first time, in particular, it may be useful to remove the pressure of setting the scene or deviating drastically from your typical sexual setup, and just keep it simple, instead, says Dr. Queen. This can help you avoid feeling overwhelmed (which is not exactly a sexy emotion).

8. Start digitally

Virtual sex isn’t just a good option for when you’re navigating a positive COVID test or just being COVID-conscious; it’s also a great medium for experimenting with role-play for the first time.

“Many may find that slipping into a new role in the digital realm can be very fulfilling,” says Deysach. Text, in particular, can be a good modality for role-play beginners because it gives everyone involved the gift of time between responses to craft a scene and dialogue that feels hot and well-aligned with the roles in question. Just make sure you and a partner agree on when you’ll be starting the virtual role-play ahead of time so that they know what is going on when they start receiving texts from a new persona, Deysach adds.

9. Consider working with a sex professional

Single? Polyamous but don’t have a partner who is game for role-play? Consider hiring a sexuality professional, suggests Deysach. Phone-sex operators, virtual doms/dommes, and in-person sex workers are very skilled at role playing and can help facilitate the role-play scene of your dreams, she says.

A professional is a particularly sound option for individuals who have a very specific fantasy they want to act out, as well as those who want to make love to a very particular character, adds Deysach. After all, so long as it respects the sex professional’s boundaries, the scene you enact doesn’t have to align with their sexual tastes in the way that it would with those of a sexual partner.

Complete Article HERE!

Putting Gay Men Back Into History

— In the late nineteenth century, historian John Addington Symonds fought back against his colleagues’ refusal to acknowledge historical same-sex relationships.

John Addington Symonds, 1889

By Livia Gershon

In many times and places, people who would fall under today’s LGBTQ+ umbrella have grown up with no framework to understand their identities. As historian Emily Rutherford writes, that was true for Victorian scholar John Addington. But, thanks to Addington’s work, many men who followed him had new ways to put their sexuality in context.

As a student in 1850s Britain, Symonds read Plato’s Symposium and Phaedrus, encountering paiderastia—the social and erotic relationship between older and younger Athenian men. He later wrote that the concept was “the revelation I had been waiting for”—and something that he literally had no words to describe in his native language. He settled for a Greek phrase meaning roughly “the love of impossible things.”

But Rutherford writes that Symonds soon found his reading of the Greeks wasn’t universal. For example, one of his mentors, Benjamin Jowett of Oxford, dismissed Plato’s and Socrates’s descriptions of ennobling love between men as “a figure of speech.”

Symonds pushed back, arguing that historical accounts of same-sex relationships could provide guidance to men of his own time. His 1873 essay “A Problem in Greek Ethics” described love and sex between men in ancient Greece as well as different ethical structures governing same-sex relationships in other times and cultures. He was interested in a distinction between “common” and “heavenly” loves made by an Athenian named Pausanias in the Symposium. In his own culture, Symonds argued, the denial of public recognition for same-sex love reduced homosexuality to mere sexual gratification.

In 1878, a move to the Swiss Alps put Symonds in contact with a growing body of sexological literature published in German, much of which was unavailable in Britain due to obscenity laws. This research demonstrated the prevalence of men who had romantic and sexual relationships with other men in the present day. Toward the end of his life, he collaborated with doctor and sex researcher Havelock Ellis on a book that would eventually be published as Sexual Inversion.

But, unlike Ellis, Symonds viewed same-sex love as something that transcended unusual neurology. Rutherford writes that he sought to understand “how homoerotic love might be part of a wider, chivalric ideal.” He spent much of his life obsessed with Walt Whitman’s poems about comradeship—though Whitman, who had no concept of sexual orientation as a fixed identity, disavowed his interpretations of the poetry.

Rutherford notes that Symonds was married to a woman for much of his life, and his sexual encounters with other men were “fraught with class inequality and exploitation.” Yet he provided a new vocabulary for other men to talk about their intimate relationships. Oscar Wilde read Symonds with fascination and is said to have explained his love for Alfred Douglas with references to Plato, Michelangelo, and Shakespeare apparently cribbed from his work. E. M. Forster also wrote that reading Symonds helped him recognize his own homosexuality reflected in men from other times and cultures. Symonds’s work helped set the stage for a new flourishing of self-identified gay men in the twentieth century.

Complete Article HERE!

How To Spice Up A Relationship

— According To Relationship Expert Esther Perel

Four simple ways to reinvigorate that spark.

By

Like anything, else you encounter on a daily basis, it’s possible to fall into a monotony or a lull while in a long-term romantic relationship. Countless books and lectures have been devoted to the question of how to spice up a relationship, particularly when it comes to sexual intimacy.

“We are creatures of repetition,” famed Belgian relationship therapist Esther Perel (opens in new tab) admits. “In that sense, we all live with routines. Repetition anchors us; repetition gives us structure; repetition gives us predictability, familiarity, a sense of knowing what to do, confidence. So can you avoid monotony? No, you cannot. That is intrinsic to reality.”

However, she says, there is hope—so long as you’re willing to use a bit of imagination. “We live with routine, we are bound to be in monotony of some sort or repetition,” she says, “but through our imagination, freedom in confinement or freedom in reality comes to our imagination. Our imagination is limitless, and can take us outside of every restricted area.”

For instance, she gives the example of tying one’s shoes: “I know how to tie my shoes. I can turn this routine of tying my shoes into a very erotic experience, with you pulling very, very slowly at my laces. Same gesture, completely different rhythm, completely different intention and meaning, and therefore a different relationship.”

But in your everyday life, you may not be willing to turn your shoe-tying experience into a sexual experience, particularly if you and/or your partner are scrambling out the door. Thus, we’ve asked Esther Perel to unpack her best, most practical ways of spicing up your relationship. Not only are her tips shockingly simple, but they’re also easy to incorporate into your everyday life. You’ll never have to worry about the state of your spark again. 

Get Playful

Venturing outside the ordinary—in any context, but especially in a sexual or emotional context—can feel scary. For this reason, Perel says to ease the shock by using play as a means of adding that much-needed spice to your romantic repertoire.

“Playfulness is when risk taking is fun,” she says. “Playing gives you permission that reality doesn’t necessarily allow you, and you can say, ‘I want to not be in our everyday lives. Let’s step out of the everyday.’ This transcends the boundaries of the mundane.”

There are a number of ways of incorporating play into your relationship, from sex games to sex card games to roleplay to kink. Below, some sure-fire options to get you going.

Set the Mood

If you’re having trouble spicing up your relationship or keeping sensuality alive, Perel says that one of the first actions you should take is to ensure that you have a dedicated space for sexual play so that you (and your partner) are able to “take yourself out of one mode, out of one role in your relationship, and give yourself the permission to enter into another role.” This, she says, means “transitioning into an erotic place, and thus your erotic self.”

So, what does that mean in terms of logistics? “If you want to spice something up, don’t have your room be a pigsty,” she says. 

“When you go to the gym, you’d go to a dedicated place,” she reminds us. “When you go to pray, or when you go to meditate, you go to a dedicated place. When you go to a restaurant, you go to a dedicated place. The restaurant doesn’t look like your bedroom, so your bedroom shouldn’t look like your kitchen or like your laundry room. This is because we are highly suggestive and suggestible to the environment. It gives a sense of meaning to what we are about to experience.”

If your room is looking more sulky than sultry these days, try buying silky sheets, hanging sensual art, or experimenting with low lighting like candles and warm lamps.

Be Curious About Each Other

“Spicing up is about curiosity,” says Perel. “Curiosity is about the willingness to engage with the mystery and the unknown that lives right next to you. The reason it is so difficult to spice up is because when we want familiarity and comfort, we don’t want mystery and unknown right next to us. We want to feel that we know this person inside and out, and vice versa. That’s why love and desire often are in a paradoxical relationship with each other, because love wants the comfort, the predictability, the familiarity, but desire wants the unknown, the mystery, the discovery, the exploration. That’s the spicing.”

However, she says, there are ways of keeping mystery and curiosity alive while also retaining a sense of comfort and familiarity.

In particular, she tells us that she always mentally returns to the same potential scenario: “My classic image used to be that you go out for dinner with friends and you find yourself talking about all kinds of things. Your partner suddenly talks about the books or the movies they saw, and you look at them and say, ‘Wow, I didn’t even know you liked that.’ Then, you go back in the car, you have the opportunity to continue a very interesting conversation, and lo and behold, you sit down and you start talking about who’s going to the supermarket tomorrow morning. But why didn’t you continue that conversation?” 

The significance of this scenario, she says, is that it’s a case in which “you suddenly realize that you actually are both interesting people who have a lot to say.” This contrasts with “the complacency of the everyday management.” Often, she says, “You ask, ‘How was your day?’ Or you ask, ‘How is so-and-so?’ But you don’t ask ‘What has this transition been like for you?’ or ‘What was it like for you when you got to do this project and have a conversation that you’ve never been able to have?'”

While questions such as these may be uncomfortable to ask at first, she says that they play a key role in keeping the romantic spark alive. “It’s that next level that says, ‘I’m still curious about you. I don’t know you completely. You’re not the inside of my pocket,'” she argues.

Get Vulnerable

Perel reminds us, “Deeper intimacy goes with more risk. More risk goes with trust. Trust goes with more risk. It circles. Deeper intimacy is into-me-see. So how I invite you to see into me?”

Whether you’ve just begun dating or you’ve been together for years, it can always be a little anxiety-inducing to open up about your thoughts, desires, or insecurities. Furthermore, when you’re immersed in the routine of daily life, it may be difficult to find the right moment to talk about the way you feel.

If you’re having trouble opening up to your partner to the extent that you wish, Perel suggests trying to do so through play. “It’s the way that you learn; it’s the way that you can safely take risk,” she says. “When a child is playing , they’re taking all kinds of risks imagining themselves, propelling themselves into a script. They can try out a lot of things because the consequences are not the same because you’re playing. So in the realm of our imagination, we can experience a degree of freedom that the limitations of reality can never afford us.”

Complete Article HERE!

Pompeii’s House of the Vettii reopens

— A reminder that Roman sexuality was far more complex than simply gay or straight

The atrium of the House of the Vettii, Pompeii.

By

As Pompeii’s House of the Vettii finally reopens after a long process of restoration, news outlets appear to be struggling with how to report on the Roman sex cultures so well recorded in the ruins of the city.

The Metro opened with the headline “Lavish Pompeii home that doubled as a brothel has some interesting wall art”, while the Guardian highlighted the fresco of Priapus, the god of fertility (depicted weighing his oversized penis on a scale with bags of coins) as well as the erotic frescoes found next to the kitchen.

The Daily Mail, on the other hand – and arguably surprisingly – said nothing about the explicit frescoes and instead centred its story on the house’s “historic hallmarks of interior design”.

As a scholar who researches modern and contemporary visual cultures of sexuality, I was struck by how the heavy presence of sexual imagery in the ruins of Pompeii seems to confound those writing about it for a general audience.

Rethinking Roman sexuality

As a gay man and a researcher on sexuality, I am all too familiar with the ways modern gay men look to ancient Rome in search of evidence that there have always been people like us.

It is now clear among the research community that such straightforward readings of homosexuality in classical history are flawed. That is because same-sex relations among Romans were lived and thought about in very different ways from our own.

Roman sexuality was not framed in terms of the gender of partners but in terms of power. The gender of a free man’s sexual partner was less relevant than their social position.

A room with walls coloured in colourful frescos of nude men and women.
Frescoes from the House of the Vettii.Courtesy of the Archaeological Park of Pompeii

Socially acceptable Roman sexuality was about power, power was about masculinity – and Roman patriarchal sex cultures were assertions of both. An adult free man could have sex as the penetrating partner with anyone of a lower social status – including women or slaves and sex workers of both genders.

Despite this, I understand how politically important and strategic it was for the early homosexual movement to invent its own myth of origin and to populate history with figures that had been – they thought – just like us.

The flip side of modern notions of homosexuality being read into Roman history, is the way in which the widespread presence of sex in ancient Roman (including in the graffiti and visual culture preserved in Pompeii) has been disavowed or – at least – purified by mainstream modern culture.

Pornography in Pompeii

This phenomenon started when sexually explicit artefacts were first discovered in Pompeii, propelling archaeologists to preserve them due to their historical value, but to keep them hidden from the general public in “secret museums” on account of their obscene content.

Indeed, the coinage of the word “pornography” was a result of the archival need to classify those Roman artefacts. The term “pornographers” was first used to designate the creators of such Roman images in Karl Otfried Müller’s Handbook of Archaeology of Art (Handbuch der Archäologie der Kunst), from 1830.

The god Priapus is shown wearing a tunic that doesn't contain his cartoonishly large penis.
A fresco of Priapus in the House of the Vettii showing the god’s oversized penis.

The news coverage around the reopening of the House of the Vettii is one such example of mainstream modern culture sanitising Roman history.

When focusing on the fresco of Priapus, for instance, news outlets are quick to claim that the god’s oversized penis was merely a metaphor for the wealth accumulated by the men who owned the house. The pair had made their fortune selling wine after being freed from slavery.

This reading of the fresco, while not necessarily incorrect, overlooks the more complex – and for that reason, more interesting – role of phallic imagery in Roman culture.

As classicist Craig Williams writes, the images of a hyper-endowed, hyper-masculine Priapus that were widespread in Roman culture functioned not only as a source of identification but also as an object of desire for Roman men – if not to be penetrated by the large phallus, then at least to wish it was their own.

Priapus, with his large manhood and unquenchable desire to dominate others through penetration was, Williams tells us: “Something like the patron saint or mascot of Roman machismo.”

What’s missing from the story?

News coverage of the erotic frescoes found in a smaller room of the house has been similarly too straight forward in claiming them as evidence that that room was used for sex work.

While some scholars have certainly argued that perspective, others believe it unlikely. Some academics suggest that the erotic frescoes in that room (which probably belonged to the house’s cook) had more likely been commissioned as a gift to the Vettii’s favourite slave and very much fit the wider aesthetic of quirky excess that marks the house as a whole.

A light beautiful courtyard surrounded by columns.
A courtyard in the House of the Vettii.Courtesy of the Archaeological Park of Pompeii

In a culture where sex was not taboo but instead promoted as a sign of power, wealth and culture, it is fair to suggest that erotic images wouldn’t just belong in brothels. Sex was everywhere in Rome, including in literary and visual arts.

When reading the recent news stories, I could not help but think that their interpretations, while not wholly wrong, were too skewed into presenting the explicit frescoes as either metaphors for something more noble, or as something that was restricted to a specific site of Roman life – the brothel.

Perhaps these readings are privileged over others because we’re reluctant to accept that sex in ancient Roman culture – a culture we so often mythologise as our “origin” – was performed in ways that we are uncomfortable with.

Complete Article HERE!

The Victorian Reformers Who Defended Same-Sex Desire

— Confronting severe legal and social sanction, they sought to change the culture. A scholar and a novelist return us to a hinge of history.

To live in the world as they dreamed it could be, sexual dissidents risked everything.

By

E. M. Forster’s friends tried more than once to persuade him to publish “Maurice.” The novel, which he wrote when he was thirty-five, moldered in a drawer for decades afterward, with a note attached that read, “Publishable. But worth it?” In other words, was it worth the risk to career, friendships, and family for someone with his literary reputation and social standing to publish a novel whose main character was an “unspeakable of the Oscar Wilde sort”? “I am ashamed at shirking publication,” he told Christopher Isherwood, “but the objections are formidable.” One friend put it to him that the French writer André Gide’s memoirs made no secret of his homosexuality. “Gide hasn’t got a mother,” Forster replied ruefully.

He meant, of course, a living mother, to be shocked and anguished by the revelation. But the death of Forster’s mother made no difference. Formidable new objections arose, concerning the risks to the reputation of Bob Buckingham, the manly policeman who was Forster’s almost-lover for many years. As the Freudians have long told us, the real censor isn’t so much the flesh-and-blood mother as the one inside. Meanwhile, cowardice is good at masquerading as prudence or social responsibility or simple kindness. Whatever will the neighbors think? What about the children? And what will it do to poor Mama?

One of the ways in which the internal censor makes itself felt is through the familiar prickings of shame, an experience that has linked gay people across generations. And when moral modernizers, in the late nineteenth century, began to argue that homosexuality was no reason for shame—and when, conversely, the perils of their stance were made clear by the public reaction to the trial of Oscar Wilde—gay writers had to confront another, more complex feeling: shame at feeling ashamed, at being afraid, at being a liar.

Tom Crewe’s début novel, “The New Life” (Scribner), is a genealogy of both kinds of shame, tracing a line back to the first generation of men to seek a way out of these burdens. A Victorian historian by training, Crewe makes it clear that his two principal characters are modelled on real figures. One of them, John Addington, is drawn from the life of John Addington Symonds, an independently wealthy scholar, poet, and critic. Symonds published the first complete translation of Michelangelo’s sonnets, which was based on the original manuscripts and did not evade the fact that many were love poems addressed to a man. He was also among the first to insist that Plato’s celebrations of male-male love were entirely in earnest, and reflected a historical reality of (aristocratic) life in ancient Athens. By the time Crewe’s story begins, in 1894, his Addington is about to take a grave risk, by publishing a book that he knows is bound to occasion scandal.

That book, “Sexual Inversion,” was real; Symonds wrote it with the pioneering sexologist Havelock Ellis, helping him collect the set of anonymized case studies it presented. In Crewe’s novel, a Havelock Ellis-like character appears as Henry Ellis, and ends up playing sense to Addington’s sensibility. Both men are married, not quite happily. Ellis’s wife, Edith, like her historical counterpart, is a “female invert” who maintains an independent household with another woman; Addington’s wife, Catherine, is resigned to the fact that her husband insists on bringing his lovers home, only because she has no power to stop him.

“The New Life” immediately announces the liberties that a novelist enjoys and a historian does not: it opens with a wet dream, in which Addington finds himself wedged intimately against the body of another man in a packed train carriage. When Addington awakens, spent and vaguely ashamed, he apologizes to his wife for the “spill,” a “soft, married word, evoking nothing of its violence, the stuff that was wrenched from him.” “Wrenched from him”: Addington experiences his sexuality, in these moments, as something entirely external, a compulsion, a necessity.

Why else would he dare to let his eyes linger on the bodies of strangers, collecting material for future fantasy from the paltry images that Victorian male dress codes allow him: “the twist of hair on a nape; the way loose collars sometimes showed a glimpse of naked shoulders; the way trousers encircled a waist, brought out its beauty, like a bracelet on a woman’s wrist”? Why else would he risk exposure as a voyeur in arcadia? Watching in open-mouthed wonder the bathers in London’s Serpentine Lake, he sees an almost classical scene: “The dance of light, the sound of water; men in the company of men, nakedness carelessly worn; everything natural, pure.” The men he ogles are, of course, nearly all working class, “their physiques molded and stamped by labor.” Addington idealizes even as he objectifies, seeing in them the possibility of “another kind of life.”

“Another kind of life” hints also at Crewe’s title. The New Life is, among other things, the name of a reformist society to which Henry Ellis and his wife belong. Its historical counterpart, the Fellowship of the New Life, sought to transform society by transforming individual character. In Crewe’s novel, the Society of the New Life is what brings the two together in the first place. For Ellis, who is almost certainly what came to be called “heterosexual,” the topic of nonstandard sexuality is related to the problem of Edith and her possessive female lover; the book he is writing with Addington is a way of trying to understand his wife. There is also what Crewe terms Ellis’s “peculiarity, tickling, warm” (and shared by his historical counterpart): prone to impotence, he is aroused by the spectacle or even the thought of a woman urinating.

Addington lives out, in his own small, somewhat squalid way, his vision of the future. He picks up, or, rather, is picked up by, a man of a lower social class, a Mr. Feaver, who works in a printing shop as a compositor. Open about his sexual desires, Feaver is too comfortable in his own skin to occupy a permanently inferior position in their relationship. Feaver is installed in Addington’s house and is allowed to befriend his daughters; Catherine Addington is left simply to put up with the situation. She must, in her husband’s self-lacerating assessment, be sacrificed “on the altar of his integrity.” If he is to address the world, Addington believes, “he must further shed the disguise it had bid him wear in the years of his quietude.”

The “new life” is not just a vision of liberation. Addington has already known sexual freedom of a sort, in childhood, when the hairy older boys at his boarding school made “tawdry playthings” of younger ones. What Addington wants is a sexuality that belongs within a larger picture of the good and the beautiful, something he gets only from his classical studies: “He read the Symposium; he fell in love with the possibility of love between men, chaste, clean and elevating.” Like Forster’s Maurice a few decades later, he disobeyed his tutors’ injunction to disregard the text’s celebratory portrayal of “the unspeakable vice of the Greeks.” The historical Symonds was the author of the pioneering, though privately printed, pamphlet “A Problem in Greek Ethics,” which made the case for not ignoring the homoerotic parts of Plato’s Symposium. Its companion essay, “A Problem in Modern Ethics,” was—as Shane Butler observes, in “The Passions of John Addington Symonds” (Oxford), a monumental new monograph—“the first to import a recent German coinage into English print, as ‘homosexual.’”

Still, Addington, like his historical model, cannot subsist entirely on Platonic abstractions. Earlier in his life, he found himself paying a soldier to undress for him. Crewe’s laconic monosyllables evoke the full pathos of the situation: “That was all. He sat in a chair and watched him undress; made him stand there, turn about. He lived on it for a year.”

Symonds, with his privilege and filigreed verse, was a very odd type of social prophet, and so is his fictional counterpart. Living half openly with a male lover is one thing. It is quite another to enlist Ellis in producing a book of case studies on “inversion.” Yet Addington’s hopes are high. Such a book might achieve in England what the writings of the German jurist Karl Heinrich Ulrichs—notably the twelve-part study “The Riddle of Man-Manly Love”—did in Germany: set forth a non-pathological language for talking about what Plato had once described, and show, in Addington’s words, that homosexuals “are neither physically, intellectually, nor morally inferior to normally constituted individuals.”

Ulrichs’s scientific sexology provides one model for what needs to be achieved; Walt Whitman’s poetic effusions provide another, offering a vision of homosexuality as what Ellis terms “the normal activity of a healthy nature,” without the old shame at its heart. If the book succeeds, Addington reflects, it might convince at least a few people that the sex instinct can assume “countless forms, all within the range of human possibility, all conducive to happiness.”

Addington is enraged and distressed that the first man to draw widespread attention to his cause is, as he sees it, an unworthy standard-bearer. Like others at the time, he recognizes Oscar Wilde’s stupidity in suing his lover’s father for defamation when Wilde had made it so easy to establish the truth of the supposedly defamatory epithet (“somdomite”). But Addington’s anger goes further: Wilde, in his wantonness, had no standing to “invoke the Greeks in his defense. To drag idealism into it. Shakespeare and Michelangelo. A pure and perfect affection, indeed. The love that dare not speak its name, indeed. He has brought each and every one of us down with him.”

In fact, one of the historical Symonds’s most important achievements was distinguishing that morally neutral predilection “homosexuality” from the tendency with which it was often conflated: “pederasty.” Wilde notoriously blurred the lines in his own conduct, a fact that any attempt to make a gay saint of him must face up to. Crewe’s Addington recoils at seeing Plato invoked “to justify the man who pays a boy drunk on champagne to share his bed, who deals with blackmailers as others do with their grocer.” In his more honest moods, Addington decides that his sharp distinction between the good invert and the bad, like that better-known Victorian distinction between the deserving and undeserving poor, will not stand the test of reality. There is no such thing as a blameless life: “It is all furtiveness, lies, greed, vice, hurting other people out of fear.”

Certainly, there are excuses, some of them good ones: “It is all an effect of the law.” But the fact that one hurts other people out of fear of the law, Crewe makes plain, hardly changes the fact that one does hurt them. When Catherine reads the account in Addington and Ellis’s book that is clearly by and about her husband, she is understandably unforgiving: “I was not free to go into the streets, to go with soldiers to their dirty lodgings. I was not free to bring strange men to this house. I was not free to install in it a man of another class, twenty years younger. But it is you who have been lonely. It says so in your book.”

Addington’s mode of self-reproach has a different sting. Every so often, he has a crisis of faith: “Irrumatio, fellatio, paedicatio. For these he had eschewed study, art, friendship; he had sacrificed all the comforts of a home, the dignity of a marriage.” The Latin euphemisms are one sign of the shame, as is the idea that sex must contrast with, not complement, both comfort and dignity. Crewe is drawing on Symonds’s own yearning for purity. Symonds once declared his personal motto to be In mundo immundo sim mundus: “In an impure world, may I be pure.” In a memoir intended to be published many years after his death, he wrote of how it was through reading Plato’s Phaedrus and Symposium that he “discovered the true Liber Amoris at last, the revelation I had been waiting for, the consecration of a long-cherished idealism.” Plato made him see “the possibility of resolving in a practical harmony the discords of my inborn instincts.” It “filled my head with an impossible dream, which controlled my thoughts for many years.”

Crewe has written another Liber Amoris, another “book of love,” that spells out more precisely than Symonds ever managed to do how Platonic idealism, as Shane Butler says in his monograph, “gives even as it takes away.” Helpfully, this idealism allowed Symonds “to distinguish his desires from the crass and often violent homosocial rites of passage of the British ruling class.” Yet, Butler adds, “it was mapped across a dualism” that he could not transcend. Symonds’s desperate desire for cleanness coexisted, after all, with the fantasy he recorded in his anonymous case study for the book he wrote with Ellis: to service a group of sailors and to be their “dirty pig.” His Platonic ideal of love, in any case, contains a large non sequitur. Why must love be chaste to be clean, clean to be elevating? Why must it be elevating at all?

In “The New Life,” Addington’s academic friend Mark Ludding presents him—as the Cambridge philosopher Henry Sidgwick presented Symonds—with the utilitarian case against public candor. Addington can try all he likes to portray himself as nothing but “a disinterested sympathizer, determined on reforming the law,” but, after the Wilde trial, who will believe him? How, in any event, would such candor make him, his family, the world happier?

Ludding, looking at the situation impartially, from “the point of view of the universe” (to quote Sidgwick’s most notorious coinage), has arrived at a simple injunction: never to act on his own feelings. Thinking about his wife, Ludding can say to Addington, “I have not given her all of myself. But I have given all that I could. I can say that before the universe.” That remaining part of himself he has given to no one. Addington isn’t persuaded by the argument. He’s convinced that the universe, or at least their corner of it, can and will change: “I listened to him too long, balancing the one thing against all the others. Now I understand that life is absolute. It is the only interest.” He adopts as a utopian credo, in defiance of Ludding’s stern counsels, a line he has borrowed from Ellis: “We must live in the future we hope to make.”

In “The New Life,” Crewe distinguishes himself both as novelist and as historian. He has clearly done what G.M. Young, the great scholar of Victorian England, once recommended: to read until one can hear the people speak. Crewe’s Victorians do indeed sound like human beings, not period-piece puppets. He has, more unusually, found a prose that can accommodate everything from the lofty to the romantic and the shamelessly sexy.

His way into the history avoids the riskier project exemplified by such novels as Damon Galgut’s “Arctic Summer” (2014) and Colm Tóibín’s “The Magician” (2021), which fictionalize the desires and repressions of, respectively, E.M. Forster and Thomas Mann. The use of the men’s real names makes the authors straightforwardly accountable to the known facts of the historical record in a way that Crewe is not. At the same time, Crewe’s project is distinct from that of, say, Alan Hollinghurst in “The Stranger’s Child” (2011), which traces the life and shifting posthumous reputation of a minor First World War-era poet who is evidently inspired by the handsome, bisexual Rupert Brooke but is ultimately very much an invention.

The relationship of Crewe’s novel to history is somewhere between these two models. The real John Addington Symonds died in 1893—of tuberculosis, at age fifty-two—a year after he started work on “Sexual Inversion” with Havelock Ellis, and two years before the prosecution of Oscar Wilde. Crewe conjures a world in which the Symonds character, buffeted by the attendant furor, is forced to confront the consequences of the work’s publication, in an obscenity trial. The element of “alternate history” is all the more potent for its subtlety. Crewe is not trying, wishfully, to give his characters the happy endings they were denied in life. In many ways, his fictional Addington and Ellis have an even harder time of it than their historical counterparts. Imagining them going through the anxieties of a trial becomes a way to probe not only the emancipatory project of Crewe’s eminent Victorians but also the mental toll of their stigmatized sexualities.

Complete Article HERE!

How the ancient Greeks viewed pederasty and homosexuality

— In many city-states, it was perfectly acceptable for older men to have sexual relationships with young boys.

Pederasty in ancient Greece is well-documented through writing and art.

By Tim Brinkhof

  • In ancient Greece, pederasty was the practice of older men serving as mentors to young boys in exchange for sexual favors.
  • This practice was widespread, though customs and attitudes differed drastically from Greek city-state to city-state.
  • In Sparta, it was part of the culture; in Athens, laws were made to curb pederasty and homosexuality in general.

As the French philosopher Michel Foucault argued in his book The History of Sexuality, the things we consider acceptable and unacceptable are dictated by our cultures and, as such, are subject to change. Behavior that is tolerated in one part of the world might be completely inexcusable in another place or time period, and this is especially true when it comes to sex.

For a good example, look no further than ancient Greece. The way that Plato, Aristotle, and their contemporaries conceived of human sexuality was fundamentally different from the way we do today. Hellenistic scholars doubt the Greeks would have been able to understand the modern distinction between homosexual and heterosexual relationships. In classical antiquity, people didn’t care if you were attracted to men or women; what mattered was whether you were the dominant (active) or submissive (passive) partner in the bedroom.

Not only did the Greeks have a different way of thinking about sexuality, but they also condoned a type of semi-romantic, semi-sexual relationship that would never be permitted in Western countries today: pederasty. Pederasty, as David Bain summarizes in his review of Die griechische Knabenliebe by Harald Patzer, refers to “the practice whereby young men pursue pubescent boys and enter into short-term relationships with them which expire when the boy becomes a man.”

A relief depicting the poet Anacreon and his young lover.

Pederasty was widespread across the disjointed city-states that made up ancient Greece. In some of his philosophical dialogues, Plato suggests that even Socrates enjoyed the company of young, male lovers. But while pederasty itself was everywhere, social attitudes toward the practice varied from region to region. In some communities, like Sparta, relationships between boys and men were explicitly permitted, even institutionalized. In other places, such as Athens, laws were put in place to eradicate what was slowly being regarded as an archaic, unnatural tradition.

Pederasty in Sparta

Most of what we know about pederasty in Sparta comes from classical texts written by outside observers. One of the characters in Plato’s Laws stresses that homosexuality in the warrior civilization was not just socially acceptable, but universally practiced.

According to Plutarch, who was born long after Greece had been incorporated into Rome, pederasty was deeply embedded in the Spartan ritual system, specifically in the agōgē: the arduous training program that turned boys into soldiers. Describing life in the agōgē, Plutarch writes that shortly after the boys turned 12 years old, “they were favoured with the society of lovers from among the reputable young men.” He continues:

“The boys’ lovers also shared with them in their honour or disgrace; and it is said that one of them was once fined by the magistrates because his favourite boy had let an ungenerous cry escape him while he was fighting. Moreover, though this sort of love was so approved among them that even the maidens found lovers in good and noble women, still, there was no jealous rivalry in it, but those who fixed their attentions on the same boys made this rather a foundation for friendship with one another, and persevered in common efforts to make their loved one as noble as possible.”

In Sparta, pederasty was institutionalized.

It has been argued that pederasty originated from coming-of-age rituals that could date back as far as the Stone Age. In Sparta, the practice had adapted to the city-state’s unique culture, which emphasized community over family. Children were raised by the agōgē, not their parents. The older lovers — called erastes in academic literature — had as much authority over their beloveds as their biological fathers did. The idea, as Plutarch puts it, was that “they were all in a sense the fathers and tutors and governors of all the boys.”

Athenian laws

In ancient Athens, things were a little more complicated. While most Athenians believed there was nothing wrong with a man being in love with or feeling attracted to another man, there were, as David Cohen explains in his article, “Law, Society and Homosexuality in Classical Athens,” mixed feelings about males “adopting a submissive role that was unworthy of a free citizen.” There appear to have been no laws prohibiting homosexual relations in general.

There was, however, a law that prohibited you from committing what was known as hubris: the act of humiliating or dishonoring another person for one’s own gratification. A quintessentially Greek concept, hubris not only encompassed prostitution and sexual assault, but also “consensual” relationships. According to Cohen, men who consented to being the submissive partner were “often described as committing hubris against themselves.” Crucially, the same standards did not apply to slaves who — being slaves — were perceived as lacking both pride and honor.

“Current scholarship on pederasty,” Cohen repeats, “asserts that there was no law prohibiting an Athenian male from consummating a sexual relationship with a free boy without using force or payment.” That said, scholars have found many statutes that seem to address pederasty indirectly. The law against hubris is one example. Another is a law that prevented boys as well their teachers from entering a schoolhouse before dawn or after dusk.

Homosexuality and nature

Why did Athens seek to limit pederasty when so many other city-states, including Sparta, openly permitted it? This question does not have a clear answer. Evidence suggests that Athenians did not have any issues with age differences as time went on — young girls were married to older men all the time — but, rather, with homosexuality itself.

Greek art depicting two men fondling.

In Laws, Plato argues that homosexuality is unnatural because, in nature, male animals only mate with female partners. Even though this is untrue — research has revealed numerous examples of homosexual and bisexual behavior in other species — Plato’s argument, like all his arguments, had a tremendous influence on Greek society. Aristotle would reach the same conclusion, professing that, because males inseminate females, they must necessarily assume a dominant, active, heterosexual role. If they don’t, adds Xenophon, they would be taking the place of women.

It is notable that Plato, Aristotle, and Xenophon were unable to separate the idea of sex from biological reproduction, rejecting (or failing to consider) the modern notion that it is perfectly okay for people to have intercourse for the sake of pleasure, or that they should pick partners and sexual roles that they feel affirm their personal identities.

Complete Article HERE!

The Hottest Sex Trends to Know About for 2023

By Sam Manzella

I’m sure you’ve made some personal or professional resolutions ahead of the new year, but have you thought about setting intentions for your sex life in 2023? A new year is a great opportunity to recalibrate how you approach, discuss, and think about sex.

What makes you feel good, honestly? Are there any new sex positions or innovative products that have piqued your interest? Perhaps most importantly, are there any unanswered questions you have regarding your sexual or reproductive wellness?

To kick off the new year right, SheKnows touched base with some experts in the sexual wellness space about sex-related conversations and products they foresee trending in 2023. Use their suggestions as jumping-off points for your own journey of sexual education, exploration, and satisfaction.

Happy New Year, pleasure seekers!

Prioritizing what you like during sex, not just what’s been fed to you

Let’s face it: All of us have internalized some messaging about what sex is “supposed to” be like. Whether they stem from porn, pop culture, or IRL convos, these ideals can stir up doubts, shame, or self-consciousness…and get in the way of us actually enjoying what we get up to in the bedroom. Sex educator Emily L. Depasse, MSW, MEd, who runs the popular Instagram account @sexelducation, recommends kicking off 2023 by checking in with yourself about where you learned your core values, beliefs, and preferences regarding sex.

“Asking questions like, ‘Do I leave my sexual encounters feeling satisfied?’ and ‘What sensations do I like and crave more of?’ or ‘What am I not telling my partner?’ might be great starter questions and can even turn into journal prompts, meditations, or intimate experiences with partners,” she tells SheKnows. This introspective work is a fantastic way of getting to know yourself, your body, and your desires better. Think of it as an extension of your self-care routine.

Upon doing some reflection, you might feel inspired to reach for different sex toys or try out new positions in bed. “Once you’re able to tune into your curiosity, rather than fear it,” Depasse explains, “you’ll be able to better visualize what you’re really seeking in bed and what might help get you there.”

Discussing sex openly and directly with your partner(s)

Although it may be uncomfortable at first, Depasse is a big fan of discussing your desires or concerns openly with your sexual partner(s). Consider getting candid about any insights or takeaways you glean from your top-of-the-year sex-trospection.

Polly Rodriguez, founder and CEO of the sexual wellness brand Unbound, echoes this sentiment. Throughout 2022, her team focused on growing Unbound’s TikTok following. She has noticed that viewers really enjoy content about how best to communicate their sexual wants and needs to a partner.

“The first step of that is understanding what you like and then sharing that with someone else,” Rodriguez tells SheKnows. “It’s so great to see that type of content resonate, and honestly, it’s so important.”

Incorporating toys into partnered sex

While many of us associate vibrators, dildos, and other sex toys with masturbation, these items can also be used during partnered sex. Rodriguez expects to see more partnered sex-forward toys on the market in 2023 as the world continues to bounce back from COVID-19-related isolation. “This could be anything from BDSM accessories to vibrators,” she explains, “but ultimately, [the focus will be] on products that encourage continued exploration with a partner.”

The good news? With a financial recession looming large, Rodriguez believes affordability will be a major concern for sex toy manufacturers in the new year. “Brands will need to continue to focus on accessible pricing without compromising on quality and product safety,” she says.

Depasse is also pumped that national retailers have begun stocking sexual wellness products on their shelves, making these items even more accessible to the average consumer in America. She thinks this trend will continue into 2023. “Dame launched in Sephora this year,” she explains, “and I see increasing numbers of sex toys and lubricant offerings at drug stores that go beyond the typical KY Jelly and Trojan brand.”

Experimenting with sexual wellness products that aren’t toys

Sex toys aside, Depasse is excited about the trend of holistic sexual wellness products — think CBD-infused lube to promote relaxation, or organic supplements to prevent UTIs or yeast infections. Basically, this category encompasses any sex-related products that aren’t toys.

Personally, Depasse is a big fan of products from Dame, a sexual wellness brand with a research-backed approach. “Dame came out with their Desire Gummies this year, and I was excited to try them because it wasn’t just another vibrator or sex toy that could change my bedroom experience,” she shares. “Momotaro Apotheca also launched an organic UTI supplement and vaginal suppository.

Continuing conversations about sexual and reproductive health

Unfortunately, one of the biggest sex-related news stories of 2022 was the Supreme Court’s reversal of Roe v. Wade in June. This landmark ruling safeguarded abortion access in the United States for more than 40 years. States are now able to restrict or ban abortions, and plenty already have.

As the year stretched on, frank conversations about reproductive rights and health care became more commonplace. A number of viral videos — including the “Roe v. Bros” TikTok series that made the rounds during the midterm elections — highlighted just how ignorant many cisgender men are when it comes to sexual and reproductive health for people with uteruses. In 2023, Depasse thinks we’ll see even more sex-related educational campaigns on social media — think Reels, TikToks, or YouTube videos.“When I look at this topic as a whole, most of the conversations are driven by women who are fed up with the lack of knowledge and understanding about reproductive health care,” she shares. “I think these conversations will continue into 2023 and shift depending on what legislation is passed.”

Complete Article HERE!

This Yes-No-Maybe List Can Help Couples Explore Their Wildest Sexual Fantasies

— If one of your goals for the new year is to rev up your intimate life, consider one popular activity often recommended by sex therapists to couples looking to explore their desires: the Yes/No/Maybe list.

By Kelly Gonsalves

The Yes/No/Maybe list.

The Yes/No/Maybe list is an activity designed to help partners explore and share their erotic interests, including what they’d be curious about trying, what they already know they love from past experiences, and what’s a no-go. It’s perfect for couples or any set of sexual partners interested in learning about each other’s fantasies and seeing what overlapping areas of interest exist between them.

So, how does it work?

First, each of you will get your own individual copy of a lonnnng list of sexual activities, fantasies, kinks and fetishes, accessories, and more. There are lots of versions of this on the internet (we link some of our faves below), but some possible line items that might appear on the list include:

  • Anal sex
  • Pegging
  • Fingering
  • Dirty talk
  • Sexting
  • Making videos
  • Threesomes: FFM
  • Threesomes: MMF
  • Group sex
  • Public sex
  • Mutual masturbation
  • Spanking
  • Biting
  • Choking someone
  • Being choked
  • Bondage: being tied up
  • Bondage: tying someone else up
  • Role playing
  • Outdoor sex
  • Double penetration
  • Erotic massage
  • Watching porn together
  • Watching porn alone
  • Vibrators
  • Cock rings
  • Swallowing cum
  • Period sex
  • Food play
  • Foot play
  • Handcuffs
  • Cuckolding

The list goes on! And it can get detailed.

Next to each item, you’ll have the opportunity to write in your own personal interest level:

  1. Yes (I’m into it or willing to try it)
  2. No (Not for me/not open to it)
  3. Maybe (I could be interested with more conversation, information, and/or in a specific situation).

Some versions of the Yes/No/Maybe list—like this one from AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman, M.A., CST—also feature a fourth option: Open to fantasizing about it, but not actually doing it IRL. (Which is an important and often helpful distinction, “because many people are aroused by the idea of certain acts but wouldn’t want to actually do it,” she tells mbg.)

Each person will fill out their copy of the list separately and in private—and the privacy is key here, because you want to feel open to answer totally honestly, without feeling influenced by the way your partner reacts to a certain line item.

After you each complete the worksheet by yourselves, that’s when you’ll then come together to review your responses together and look for areas of overlap where you can explore together if you so choose.

Why sex therapists love it.

The activity is often recommended by sex therapists because it allows partners to easily get to know each other’s most intimate desires, exposes them to new ideas they may not have considered but find intriguing, and gives them an easy way to bring up a kinky interest that perhaps they haven’t been able to talk about thus far.

“I think these are wonderful tools to explore erotic interests, but they are even better to open conversation,” Zimmerman adds.

That is, in addition to being a great source of inspiration, perhaps the biggest benefit of the Yes/No/Maybe list is that it simply opens up the lines of communication.

Couples can sometimes go years without ever meaningfully talking about their sex life, and it does them a great disservice. We know from research that people who talk more about sex tend to have more satisfying sex lives, whereas those who have less sexual communication tend to enjoy their sex life less, too.

“If neither partner knows what the other’s expectations, desires, or needs are around sex, there isn’t much chance of continually making it better,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST, previously told mbg. “Couples that talk about sex can have better, more exciting sex the longer they are in the relationship, which is exactly the opposite of what we’ve been told to believe, that sex gets worse or more boring the longer you are together.”

In other words, the key to a sustainably steamy sex life is being willing to sit down at talk about it. And if it’s not something you’ve been doing much of lately in your relationship? The Yes/No/Maybe list is one simple and pretty fun way to get started.

Tips for doing the activity as a couple.

Find a copy of the Yes/No/Maybe list that speaks to you. We love the one from Zimmerman linked above, or you could also try this one from AASECT-certified sex therapist Diana Sadat, RCC, CST, this one from sex educator Sunny Megatron, or any other you’re vibing with.

“I recommend people treat this exercise as a discussion starter, with curiosity and without judgement,” says Zimmerman. That includes judgment toward your partner and judgment toward yourself.

Exploring sexual interests with a partner can be an extremely fun activity, but it can also be vulnerable stuff. Stay open-minded and affirming with each other as you talk through your lists, while also being vocal about your boundaries and respectful about the other person’s.

(Remember: A relationship becomes safer, and feels all the closer and warmer, the more we’re able to say no to each other with ease. So celebrate each other’s “no”! It brings you closer every time you do.)

Also remember that none of this means you have to do anything on the list, Zimmerman reminds, no matter what you answered on the worksheet. Either way though, “you can talk about what is appealing about particular sexual activities (or what is not) and under what circumstances you’d find it interesting.”

The takeaway.

The Yes/No/Maybe list is a lighthearted, straightforward, yet eye-opening way to kick off a conversation with partners about the things that turn you both on.

Suggest the idea to your partner to see if they’d be interested in doing this on your next date night (feel free to shoot them the link to this article!), and then come into the activity together with open minds and a spirit of playful exploration. You’ll be sure to walk away with a good bit of inspo for where to go next.

Complete Article HERE!

How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life

Is it getting hot in here?


By Jessica Estrada

Whether you want to reignite a spark in the bedroom or are just down to try something new with your partner, power play (with continued consent, of course) may be the thing to spice up your sex life. Carol Queen, Ph.D., a staff sexologist for Good Vibrations, defines power play as play that involves differential roles, usually a submissive partner and a dominant partner. This type of power play, she says, applies to most BDSM as well as other forms of kink (think role-playing) and some forms of rough sex.

With that in mind, while people participating in power play tend to find this type of play erotic, Queen says it doesn’t always involve sexual activity. “Some go on to have sex with this heightened arousal and power-infused role-play to add passion and excitement,” she says. “Others do not choose this.” Either way, she says the benefits of power play are many, including pleasure, excitement, increased partner intimacy, and an enhanced way you see yourself and the world. Into it? Keep reading to learn how to introduce power play into your sex life.

How To Introduce Power Play Into Your Sex Life

1. Get On The Same Page

First and foremost, it’s important to talk to your partner about incorporating power play. “Find out if your partner is interested, if they have any concerns, if either of you feels the need for more information,” Queen says. If so, she encourages doing more research about power play, taking a class, or talking to an experienced friend or expert about it until you both feel comfortable taking the next steps.

2. Create A Yes/Maybe/No List

The next step is to get clear on what you’re most excited to try and your limits and boundaries. To do so, Queen suggests creating a yes, maybe, and no list, which details what you’re willing to do, things you may be into trying, and what things you’re not interested in trying. Then compare lists and find what is compatible for you to explore together. “If you’re interested in different things, figure out if either of you is happy to facilitate the other’s fantasy, or look at your maybe lists and see if there’s a way to address the elements that prevent those items from being yesses,” Queen says.

3. Choose Your Safe Word

Next, decide on a safe word other than the word no. Queen says it should be a word that would not likely come up when you’re in character during role-play. The word “red,” as in red light means stop, is a common safe word. If there’s a chance you may not be able to be heard — for instance, if it’s noisy or you are gagged — Queen recommends using a safe gesture, such as holding an item and dropping it.

And most importantly, when the safe word (or gesture) is used, respect it and give the other person what they need, whether that’s taking a break or stopping altogether. If your partner doesn’t respect safe words, Queen doesn’t recommend playing with them again as it is a breach of trust.

4. Decide Your Roles

“Even if you are not doing role-play per se, power play implies a top and a bottom (dominant and submissive),” Queen says. But these don’t have to be set in stone. “People switch all the time, but you need to know who is the ‘do-er’ and the ‘do-ee.’ Unless, you know, your fantasy is to [wrestle] and see who can overpower the other,” she says. Whatever your role, Queen adds that both of you can use the safe word at any point.

5. Check In With Each Other

Once you’ve experimented with power play (more on how to do that below), Queen emphasizes the importance of checking in with each other afterward, whether it’s right after or after you’ve had some time to process the experience. Ask each other how you’re feeling and figure out what you loved or would change if you did it again.

Power Play Game Examples

Blindfold

If you’re just dipping your toes into power play, incorporating a blindfold is a beginner-friendly way to try it out. “Blindfold one of you, and the other person touches and teases them, maybe uses toys or a massage candle, does light BDSM play like slapping or pinching,” Queen says. “The blindfold is a power toy because it removes one of your senses and it also intensifies the others.”

Role-Play & Sex

Another way to experiment with power play is to choose personas or characters to play. “Pretend to be strangers and seduce each other, or pick matching roles that include power differential to explore,” Queen says. Think mistress and butler or coach and athlete. “Remember, this is fantasy, and you can use your safe word if it goes in a direction you’re not feeling.”

Bondage

Lastly, if you want to take things up a notch, Queen suggests trying bondage with fuzzy cuffs. She says metal handcuffs can cause discomfort when you thrash around. Don’t have handcuffs on hand (no pun intended)? The submissive can put their hands somewhere and not move. “This is exciting with sex play but also a way to explore spanking and other impact play,” she says. “The butt cheeks are good, safe places to explore impact. Start mild, and escalate if desired.”

Complete Article HERE!

The Pleasure Centers On Your Body You Didn’t Even Know About

By Hannah Rice

Most people have heard the expressions “getting to first base” or “scoring a home run.” These sayings turn sports metaphors into sexual allusions, hinting at a certain goal that is supposed to result from physical intimacy. And, to plenty of folks, that mentality makes sense. After all, is there a problem with bringing an “eyes on the prize” attitude into the bedroom? Well, according to sexologists, the answer is: Yes.

Debby Herbenick, PH.D., M.P.H., is a sexual health professor, per her personal website. In a piece she wrote for Psychology Today, Herbenick explained that being too focused on one area of the body can be detrimental to one’s sex life. “In the quest for sexual pleasure, we too often focus squarely on one another’s genitals as if those few square inches hold the only key to ecstasy,” she wrote. Apparently, this sense of tunnel vision can lead to dissatisfaction over time. Herbenick warned, “[S]ex runs the risk of turning stale unless partners pay attention to each other and to more than just the [obvious pleasure centers].”

To achieve a happier and healthier sex life, couples can try to let go of goal-based intimacy and strive for something more holistic. One way that partners can do this is by focusing less on the areas below the belt and, instead, putting more effort into other parts of the body. In doing so, couples can discover the many pleasure centers that exist, from their scalps to their toes.

The lower back

Woman touches partner's back

At first glance, the lower back might not seem like the sexiest part of the body. However, sexologists report that it is actually a powerful pleasure center. According to Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, the lower back can experience intense feelings of enjoyment. As O’Reilly told SheKnows, certain individuals find that, “their lower back is the most sensitive area of their body.” Per the sexologist, the area can be stimulated through some tickling, and can even result in “orgasmic sensations.”

The reason for the lower back’s intense sensitivity can be traced to the area’s anatomy. In an interview with Metro, Dr. Deborah Lee, a sexual health physician, revealed that many women experience lower back pleasure, thanks to a bone called the sacrum. Located above the tailbone, the sacrum is able to stimulate many of the nerve endings in the pelvic area. Per the doctor, many women can experience orgasm when their partner massages this area. “A ‘sacr[al] orgasm’ is another way of achieving female orgasm, by directly stimulating nerves in the sacral [lower back] area,” she told Metro. While Dr. Lee suggested massaging the lower back on its own, she also recommended touching this body part throughout intercourse. “Women often find sexual stimulation, such as stroking, or applying pressure on their lower back directly over the sacral region, highly pleasurable during sex,” she revealed.

The shoulders

Woman receives massage

The lower back isn’t the part of the body that could benefit from a nice, gentle massage. A good old-fashioned shoulder rub could also help partners access their pleasure centers by fostering a sense of relaxation. According to My Health Alberta, shoulder massages can help reduce tension and relieve stress. And the more relaxed that partners feel during an intimate moment, the more satisfaction they experience.

The reason for this is that stress has a direct impact on sex drive. In an interview with Talkspace, psychologist Rachel O’Neill, Ph.D., LPCC-S, explained that an increase in stress can cause a decrease in sexual activity. “When you’re stressed … you may not feel much responsive or spontaneous desire for sex,” O’Neill revealed. The psychologist also went on to warn that stress can actually make sex feel like a chore. “It’s also possible that you may simply feel like sex is one more thing that you need to add to your to-do list,” she added.

Luckily, however, taking time to relax can greatly impact one’s libido. As sex therapist Diane Gleim LMFT, CST, wrote for a piece in Psychology Today, “Relaxation is a necessary part of not just sex but good sex.” Partners looking to sink into that relaxed state can exchange pleasurable shoulder massages. To achieve this, Health Alberta recommends “kneading” the two shoulder muscles softly and then slowly increasing pressure. For maximum enjoyment, try adding a soft squeeze to the back of the neck.

The spine

A fulfilling spine massage

While giving a relaxing shoulder massage, partners might want to stimulate some of the body’s other pleasure centers. One thing to consider is adding in some spine play. According to the experts, this can be a great way to simply enjoy your partner’s body or set the mood for sex. Chantelle Otten is an Australian psycho-sexologist who has also worked as an ambassador for Love Honey. In an interview with Body+Soul, Otten noted that not everyone knows just how pleasurable spine stimulation can be. “A zone that people can neglect is the spine,” she lamented. Nonetheless, the psychotherapist opined that many partners will enjoy spine stimulation if they follow a few tips. “[O]nce you trail a single finger, a pinwheel, or perhaps a feather tickler, down the length of your partner’s spine, you won’t forget this zone in a hurry,” she told Body+Soul.

The reason that spinal pleasure is so powerful has to do with the spine’s function in the body. As per the Cleveland Clinic, the spine sends nerve signals from the body to the brain and vis-versa. This means that one of your spine’s jobs is to report sensations back to your brain. And, as noted in Psychology Today, the spine even has a special pathway that only sends “pleasant touch” signals from the body to the brain. Because of this, partners might consider stimulating each other’s spines using their fingers, tongues, or even toys.

The armpits

Girl shows off underarms

Armpits might not have a great overall reputation. After all, they are one of the only body parts that inspired a special product designed to control their smell. (Cue: deodorant.) Nonetheless, armpits are a powerful part of the body when it comes to their erogenous potential. For one thing, armpits are rumored to secrete the scents that generate sexual attraction. As licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, told Insider, “Some people believe the armpits to be an erogenous zone because they may secrete pheromones, but this is still debated.” For another thing, armpits are extremely sensitive to touch.

According to sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, a lot of people experience the armpits as a pleasure center simply because this zone is so often ignored during sex. In a conversation with mindbodygreen, Steward elaborated, “Kissing and teasing the armpit can be sexy for you, especially because it is a zone that doesn’t get touched often, so it’s more sensitive than a lot of the areas on the body.” She also explained that underarm pleasure doesn’t have to stop at simple touching. “Armpits get a bad rap because of the odors they emit, but for some of us, armpits are [also] erogenous to smell,” she added.

The neck

Woman touches her neck

The neck can be a serious pleasure center, thanks to the area’s overall sensitivity. As sexual health physician Dr. Rahul Gupta, MD, pointed out in a piece for Lybrae, both the nape of the neck and the back of the neck are “pleasure points” for some people. According to the physician, “[The nape of the neck is an] erogenous spot … packed with nerve endings.” Later, he explained that the blood flow through the back of the neck also stimulates feelings of pleasure. In a section on this area, Gupta wrote, “[Y]our neck acts as a hot spot: it’s extremely sensitive, full of blood vessels, and is associated with vulnerability.”

To stimulate neck pleasure, partners can try a unique breathing technique suggested by clinical sexologist Debra Laino, Ph.D. In an interview with Women’s Health, Laino revealed that partners can exhale on each other’s necks to achieve enjoyable results. “Even a faint breath excites the nerve endings on the neck and can be very arousing for both men and women,” Laino said. To put this principle into practice, partners can try lying down side-by-side and blowing lightly on the skin between the lower ear lobe and the collarbone. As things heat up, adding other factors, like kissing, nibbling, or licking, per Laino’s conversation with Women’s Health, can be fun.

The feet

Couple lounges in bed

The feet have long had a reputation for inspiring sexual desire, thanks to the notoriety of foot fetishes in contemporary culture. However, beyond the psychological stimulation that feet can create in some people, this body part can also produce physical pleasure. As Love Honey sexpert Annabelle Knight emphasized in an interview with Metro, “It is worth remembering, too, that the feet are erogenous zones in their own right, with 7,000 nerve endings.” Because of this massive quantity of nerve endings, some people can even achieve orgasm through foot stimulation– Although Knight explained that it’s not common. “Foot orgasms are incredibly rare and it is unlikely that you will be able to achieve an orgasm through foot stimulation alone,” she told Metro.

Nonetheless, there are plenty of ways that partners can enjoy each other’s feet. Per clinical sexologist Aliyah Moore, couples can start out by giving each other a simple foot massage. In an interview with Elle, Moore elaborated, “Many nerve endings cover the feet … So, massaging them creates exciting and intense sensations.” To alternate or vary these sensations, Moore recommended using toys. “For example, tickle your partner’s feet using a feather or a wisp of cotton or any subtly sharp object. You can also alternate between warm and cold things to stimulate the feet,” Moore told Elle.

The ears

Man whispers into ear

In the movie “Meet the Fockers,” Barbara Streisand’s character, Roz Focker, dished out some iconic sex advice: Stimulate the ears. In the context of a comedy film, this advice might seem funny. However, according to science, Roz Focker might just have been right. Per Medical News Today, the human ear has 25,000 nerve endings — More than three times the number of nerve endings in the feet. Because of this, the outlet reports, some people can even achieve orgasm through ear stimulation alone.

While not everyone may want to try for an “eargasm,” there are several alternative ways to experience ear pleasure. According to clinical sexologist Steve McGough, Ph.D., a massage can effectively stimulate this pleasure center. As McGough revealed in an interview with Women’s Health, gently massaging the ear can be especially enjoyable. “This area is connected to the vagus nerve, which travels from the skull downward through the heart, nipples, and genitals,” he told the outlet. McGough added that this massage could be especially stimulating for women. “Research has shown that the vagus nerve is involved in female orgasm,” he shared.

Luckily, a massage isn’t the only way to evoke ear pleasure. Partners can also use their fingertips and mouths to make each other feel good. In an interview with Insider, licensed sex therapist Vanessa Marin, MFT, advised: “Try lightly caressing with a fingertip, nibbling on the earlobe, or tracing your tongue around the back of the ear.”

The cheeks

Kiss on the cheek

For some people, a kiss on the cheek seems more fit for their grandma than, say, a lover. However, when incorporated into a sexual context, cheek kisses can also be erogenous. According to Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist and the director of The Intimacy Institute, the cheeks respond well to touch. Speaking to Women’s Health, Skyler explained, “The cheeks are actually really sensitive. If you have your partner close their eyes as you softly caress their cheek, that can be really arousing.”

Interestingly, cheeks aren’t just a physical pleasure center — They are also an emotional one. In an interview with Elite Daily, body language expert Tonya Reiman analyzed the emotional impact of touching someone’s face. “When someone touches or strokes your hair and/or face during sex, it is typically a demonstration of affection. This is primal; it shows that they want to connect with you on more than a mere physical level,” Reiman said. The best part is that a kiss on the cheek can be extremely meaningful for the receiving partner. As New York-based sex therapist Stephen Snyder, M.D., told Women’s Health, this gesture “can activate deep feelings of being cared for.”

Consequently, partners looking to bring more sentimentality into their sex lives might want to stimulate each other’s cheeks. Caress them with a finger, nuzzle them with the nose, or shower them with kisses. Ultimately, showing the cheeks some love can also make one’s partner feel more loved.

The wrists

Couple uses handcuffs

Just like the cheeks, the inner wrist can be a pleasure center emotionally and physically. Nonetheless, NetDoctor reports that not everyone knows that this region has the potential to send shivers up the spine. As sex therapist Mia Sabat told the outlet, “It mightn’t be the first spot that comes to mind when you think of erogenous zones, but the inner wrist is incredibly sensitive.” Beyond the inner wrist’s physical sensitivity, the region also has the power to foster intimate communication between partners. In her conversation with NetDoctor, Sabat revealed, “Feeling your partner’s heart rate increase as you caress [their inner wrist] will turn you on, too.”

Some couples may also want to use their wrists to introduce a little bit of power play into their sex lives. According to sexologist Goody Howard, MSW, MPH, pairs can achieve this when one partner grabs the other one’s wrist during a sexual interaction. In an interview with mindbodygreen, Howard said, “Being pinned down by the wrists or a firm grip during a make-out session is common. Pressure play is a great way to explore pleasure with the wrists.” Couples looking to spice up their wrist play even further may consider experimenting with handcuffs or other forms of bondage.

The belly

A couples in bed

The belly represents a key piece of real estate on the human body as it is situated immediately above the genitals. Because of its prime location, the belly experiences heightened levels of sensitivity and erotic pleasure (via Insider). And, per a conversation between Women’s Day and certified sexuality educator Amy Levine, a small minority of people can orgasm from doing an ab workout. Levine told the outlet, “It’s unlikely that the majority of us will be able to experience [this] effect, but incorporating some ab work in the bedroom could help get you in the mood. Not to mention, the thought of [your partner] moving farther south can be downright exciting.”

While doing abdominal exercises could be very rewarding for some, it might be … well, anticlimactic for others. To stimulate the belly without doing crunches, partners can try gently touching each other’s stomachs. In an interview with Women’s Health, clinical sexologist, Renee Lanctot, Ph.D., recommended focusing on the region surrounding the belly button. “One of the best ways to approach belly button play is by circling the area: Use large circles that converge slowly, using the belly button as your bullseye,” Lanctot suggested. While some couples may enjoy using their fingers, others might prefer to use their tongues, or even a toy.

The scalp

Woman massages man's scalp

It’s no secret that a head rub can feel fantastic, but some folks may not know that the scalp is actually one of the body’s main pleasure centers. Because of its many nerve endings, the scalp is extra sensitive to touch, according to Prevention. This means that sexual partners can unlock the scalp’s feel-good potential via a gentle massage. According to Australian psycho-sexologist Chantelle Otten, one effective scalp rub technique can really heat things up during a make-out session. In an article for Body+Soul, Otten advised, “[O]nce you start kissing, run your nails through your partner’s hair and down the back of their scalp and neck to bring on those pleasurable feelings.” She suggested adding a bit of neck and ear action into this scalp play: “Moving your thumbs up behind the ear and down the nape of the neck are really hot ways to incorporate multiple erogenous zones.”

For partners looking to explore the spicier side of scalp play, it might also be gratifying to incorporate a bit of hair-pulling. As certified sex educator Emma McGowan told Glamour, hair-pulling can stimulate the scalp in a deeply satisfying way. “Your scalp has thousands of little nerve endings, and if you’ve ever had your hair pulled during sex, you know it’s an erogenous zone,” she told the outlet. Before pulling someone’s hair, however, remember that it is important to ask for consent.

The hands

Holding hands in bed

Holding hands can be a sweet gesture in public, but in private, it can actually be kind of steamy. In an interview with Well+Good, sexologist Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., explained that the hands are a pleasure center, capable of receiving intense enjoyment. To tap into these good feelings, O’Reilly suggested that partners try rubbing each other’s palms. “Consider giving your partner’s hand (or your own) a sensual massage using your thumb to work in sweeping ovals … You can also trace your fingertips around the palm with a feather-light touch or play with their fingers in your hand with a gentle stroking and circular motion,” she told Well+Good.

Couples looking to connect more deeply during sex might also consider using their hands to foster a sense of emotional closeness. Patti Wood, a body language expert, told Elite Daily that holding hands during these intimate moments can help partners bond. As Wood told the outlet, “[Holding hands during sex is] a sign of tenderness, and it’s a signal of connection, rather than just passion or lust.” The body language expert added that a person who grabs their partner’s hand is trying to communicate their desire for closeness. “They want to maintain a connection with you that has more intimacy attached to it,” Wood affirmed.

Complete Article HERE!