Month: May 2023

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5 Benefits Of Bringing Toys Into Your Sex Life

— Beyond Making You Feel Good

By Amanda Chatel

When it comes to bringing toys into your sex life, there are two schools of thought: There are those who are all for it, firmly believing that the more assets the better for both partners, and there are those who view sex toys as a sign that something isn’t working. To be candid, the only thing not working in those toyless bedrooms is the lack of imagination.

“Let’s think of the pleasure spectrum as an ice cream shop,” sensuality coach and sex educator Eleanor Hadley tells Vice. “There are so many flavors and combinations of pleasure available to us at all times. Sometimes you’ll stick with your go-to classic, but other times you might try something brand new and be sweetly surprised at how delicious it was … No flavor is categorically better than the other, and they’re all simply different … Adding sex toys into the mix when it comes to partnered sex is simply a way for you to enhance pleasure and experience new sensations.”

According to a 2020 study by sexual wellness brand Ella Paradis, 61% of sex toy consumers make purchases for themselves and for partnered play. While this is only the findings of one survey, the fact is, sex toys are very much becoming a part of people’s sex lives. In fact, the same survey found that 98% of U.S. adults believe sexual pleasure is essential to sexual health.

If you’re unsure about whether sex toys have a place in your sex life, the following benefits might just convince you it’s time to try.

It closes the orgasm gap

Although more people with vulvas are learning how to pleasure themselves, and are achieving orgasms on their own and with their partners, the disparity between them and those with penises still exists. This is called the orgasm gap, and it persists because our culture has failed to make the sexual pleasure of those with a vulva just as important as it is for people with a penis.

According to a 2016 study of 52,000 U.S. adults published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, 95% of heterosexual men reported that they always or at least usually climax during sex. As for heterosexual women, that number was 65%. While this is just one of the thousands of studies that examine the difference in orgasm rate, no matter which way you turn, the results are always the same: People with penises orgasm far more than those with vulvas.

When you bring toys into the bedroom, you and your partner are closing that gap. For most people with vulvas, clitoral stimulation is necessary to orgasm. In introducing toys like vibrators, those with vulvas are given a greater chance at climaxing.

It opens up a dialogue about desire

While we tend to think of sex toys as dildos and vibrators, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. From cock rings to anal toys to nipple clamps to the kinkiest BDSM toys that surpass your wildest imagination, there’s a sex toy out there for everyone. Sex toys are a multi-billion-dollar market that’s going to continue to grow — not just in financial gains but also in innovation.

Having so many types of sex toys to choose from gives you and your partner the chance to talk about your sexual interests in ways you might not have in the past. Both you and your partner may have fantasies that you were too shy to bring up, but adding toys to your sex life can open up a conversation about specific desires. According to a two-year-long study published in 2018 by Kinsey Institute’s Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller, 97% to 98% of U.S. adults report having sexual fantasies. With those numbers, there’s a very good chance that you and your partner have some fantasies you just might want to share with each other.

It allows for more sexual exploration

Like a lot of things in life, sex toys tend to get grouped into gender stereotypes — like thinking vibrators are only for those with vulvas, and butt plugs are only for those with penises — but it’s time to see past that. Vibrators shouldn’t be limited to clitorises. Instead, they should be viewed for the multi-purpose stimulators that they are. The sensation that vibrators provide is just as enjoyable on the perineum (that space between scrotum or vulva and the anus) as it is on the clitoris, nipples, or other erogenous zones.

Whether you’re masturbating alone or engaging in sex acts with your partner, sex toys can radically expand how you think about sex and sexual pleasure. Half the fun is the exploration. It’s always important to keep in mind that sex is an umbrella term for a whole universe of sex-related acts and avenues toward sexual pleasure.

It’s a good way to stay on top of your wellness together

We’ve finally reached a point in our culture where we realize that sex, in all its forms, isn’t strictly about pleasure, but also about mental and physical health. While orgasms may feel amazing, what they do for the body and mind is even more astonishing in regard to overall wellness — so much so that people are making masturbation part of their self-care routine.

“In the past, people tended to focus on one area of human wellbeing. But the dialogue has changed. We have a more holistic view,” CMO of luxury sex toy brand Lelo, Luka Matutinovic tells Wired. “We now know that sex is one of the key ingredients. Orgasms give us serotonin and dopamine, which also boosts the immune system. It’s part of our whole wellbeing.”

When you and your partner bring sex toys into the bedroom, it’s not just a sign of wanting to experience pleasure together, but to partake in keeping your wellness in check together too. Caring for each other’s health in such a way strengthens intimate bonds and you both reap the emotional and physical benefits of it.

It creates a deeper appreciation for the human body

The human body is amazing. Not to get all existentialist about it, but the form of the body is, and all its pieces, an extraordinary work of art that we often take for granted. When we make time to understand our own bodies, as well as the bodies of our partners, we learn to appreciate every aspect of it — not just the genitals, but the whole package. Sexuality and sexual pleasure reside on a very long spectrum, and this looks and feels different for everyone. Getting to know what you enjoy, what your partner gets off on, and how you can bring those sensations and feelings together creates a deeper appreciation of the body. It opens our minds to the complicated fragility of what it means to be human, as well as a sexual being.

Even if you think you’ve mastered the understanding of your body and your partner’s body, there’s always more to learn. Sexuality and sexual pleasure ride that spectrum up and down over our entire lifetimes, so nothing is ever set in stone. Welcoming sex toys into your sex life won’t just make you and your partner better lovers, but better friends because of the conversations that will emerge from throwing, say, a double-ended dildo into the mix. Now that’s a chat that’s going to open up a lot of potential for exploration and experimentation.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What You Should Do if a Condom Breaks

— Turn to emergency birth control and STI tests

Nothing ruins the post-sex glow like realizing the condom broke. Now what?

“You’re probably anxious about what to do next. It’s natural to jump to worst-case scenarios,” says sexual health specialist Henry Ng, MD, MPH. “But don’t let your fears get the best of you. Take a breath.”

Don’t panic but do get prompt medical care. Dr. Ng explains what to do next and what to expect.

What to do if a condom breaks

If the condom broke while you were having sex, you may be worried about:

“Seek care right away,” Dr. Ng advises. “If you have a primary care provider, that’s a good place to start.” When you contact your healthcare provider, say you have an urgent concern. You may be able to get a same-day appointment.

If you don’t have a primary care provider, your options for quick care include:

  • Community clinics and health centers.
  • Express care or urgent care clinics.
  • Reproductive and sexual health clinics, such as Planned Parenthood.

“Go where you think you’ll feel most comfortable talking openly about sex and your needs,” encourages Dr. Ng. “When you call for an appointment, check that the clinic provides emergency contraception and STI testing, depending on your concerns.”

Dr. Ng also advises against going to the emergency room unless you have a true medical emergency. Trips to the ER can be very costly, and it’s better not to tie up emergency services unless you need them.

How to prevent pregnancy after unprotected sex

If you’re worried about potential unwanted pregnancy, get emergency contraception as soon as possible after unprotected sex. Dr. Ng explains your options.

Plan B One-Step (levonorgestrel)

Known as a “morning-after pill,” Plan B One-Step® and its generics (My Choice®, My Way®, Preventeza®, Take Action®) are available over the counter. It’s best to take it within 72 hours (three days) of unprotected sex, but you can take it up to five days after.

“The longer you wait, the less effective Plan B is for preventing pregnancy,” says Dr. Ng. “So, it’s really important to get it within that three-day window.”

Plan B One-Step and the generic versions contain levonorgestrel, a synthetic hormone used in some birth control pills. But the dose is different than regular birth control pills. You take Plan B One-Step in one dose.

ella® (ulipristal acetate)

Another morning-after pill option is ella®, but it’s only available with a prescription. It’s a single-dose pill, and you can take it up to five days after unprotected sex. But like Plan B, ella is most effective if you take it within the first 72 hours.

Can you take multiple birth control pills after unprotected sex?

“We typically don’t recommend taking multiple birth control pills for emergency contraception,” says Dr. Ng. “The pills you have on hand may not be the right type of drug or the right dose to prevent pregnancy.”

He says the most effective options are Plan B One-Step (or its generics) and ella, which are approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) for emergency birth control.

What to do about potential STIs when the condom breaks

Potential STI exposure can be scary to think about. And even if your partner doesn’t show symptoms of an STI, they could still have one.

If possible, ask your partner about their STI status. If they currently have an STI, you know you need to get tested. If you’re unsure if your partner exposed you to an STI, you may still want to get tested.

STIs to be aware of

STIs are widespread and on the rise in the U.S. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 1 in 5 people have an STI. Some people have an STI but don’t have any symptoms.

Bacterial STIs

Dr. Ng says the most common STIs are gonorrhea and chlamydia, both bacterial infections. Syphilis is also a bacterial STI. If you’ve been exposed, the bacteria will show up on a test right away. Tests are typically done by taking a pee (urine) sample or swabbing your genital area.

“When you get tested, talk to your provider about how you express yourself sexually — the type of sexual activity you engage in,” Dr. Ng says. “A urine test and genital swab may miss a gonorrhea or chlamydia infection if you engaged in oral sex, for example.” Be sure to ask for an oral or rectal swab if you had oral or anal sex.

Antibiotics can treat gonorrhea and chlamydia. Dr. Ng urges that you seek out treatment quickly for these conditions, so you can avoid complications like pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), urethritis or infertility.

Viral STIs

STIs that are viruses include:

These viral STIs won’t show up on a blood test right away. It takes time for your body to make antibodies to the virus, which are the signs (markers) that show up on a test. But it’s still important to get tested, especially if you think you were exposed. Your care provider will guide you on the testing windows for viral STIs.

If you know you were exposed to HIV, get medical care right away. Preventive treatments, called post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP), can protect you, but you must begin taking PEP within 72 hours of exposure to HIV.

“Also consider talking to your care provider about going on pre-exposure prophylaxis for HIV,” suggests Dr. Ng. This medication, often called PrEP, is for people who don’t have HIV but are at risk of getting the virus. You take it every day, and it can lower your risk of sexually transmitted HIV by up to 99%.

Condoms are still great protection

There’s no such thing as perfect protection during sex. Even though condoms can fail, it happens rarely, and they’re still your best defense against STIs. Condoms (and there are many different types) are effective birth control when used consistently and correctly.

If your main concern is preventing pregnancy, many birth control options work even better than condoms. Just remember, other birth control methods don’t protect you from STIs, but condoms do.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can You Have a Bad Orgasm?

— When thinking about orgasms, many of us associate them with feelings of pleasure. However, this isn’t always the case. Research has found that people experience bad orgasms, even during consensual sexual activity. Let’s explore how these orgasms can happen and the reasons they occur.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that many people had experienced a bad orgasm during consensual sexual activity, adversely affecting their sexuality, relationships, and mental health.
  • Reasons for bad orgasms included weak orgasms due to societal emphasis on orgasms, narrow gender roles and sexual scripts, poor intimacy, painful orgasms, shame and guilt about sex, gender dysphoria, and racial fetishization.
  • People can manage physical and emotional needs related to bad orgasms by seeking safety, using at-home treatments such as heat or ice packs, and communicating with their partners.

Do bad orgasms happen?

Although orgasms are typically thought of as pleasurable experiences, research published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior indicates that people engaging in consensual sexual activities can actually experience bad orgasms.

The study surveyed 726 participants about past sexual experiences where they may have felt pressure to have sex, pressure to orgasm, or agreed to sex they didn’t really desire. The findings revealed that around 55% of participants had experienced a bad orgasm in such situations.

These types of orgasms were found to have adverse effects on the participant’s sexuality, relationships, and mental health.

Reasons why people experience a bad orgasm

The study found that there were multiple reasons that people experienced a bad orgasm.

Weak orgasm

Some people in the study reported that their orgasms were weaker and less pleasurable than they had in the past. A reason for this occurring could be the emphasis that we as a society put on orgasms as the defining ending of sex, as well as an indicator of its success. Attempting to have an orgasm, even when we’re not really into it, could cause orgasms to be weaker.

Narrow gender roles and sexual scripts

Similar to the reasons above, some participants in the study found that narrow gender roles and sexual scripts led to negative orgasms. Some women within the study felt pressured to orgasm to please their partners, and men also experienced unpleasurable orgasms due to these narrow gender roles and sexual scripts.

Some participants stated that they felt pressured to perform and meet the unrealistic stereotypes of being able to orgasm easily or always wanting sex. Additionally, some bisexual men felt pressure to orgasm when having sex with a woman to not be perceived as gay, which resulted in a bad orgasm.

Poor intimacy

Other study participants claimed that orgasms with a partner without a close intimate connection were unpleasant. A bad physical and emotional connection with a partner may make it difficult for some to fully relax and let go during sexual activity, hindering the ability to reach orgasm or making it less pleasurable.

Painful orgasms

Some participants stated that the reason for their bad orgasms was pain. While pain during orgasms can indicate sexual dysfunction, many participants in the study attributed their pain to specific circumstances, such as their bodies not being sufficiently aroused for sex, being too tired, or the orgasm taking too long to occur.

Shame and guilt

Other participants attributed their bad orgasms to their shame and guilt about sex due to religious and sociocultural factors.

Gender dysphoria

Gender dysphoria, particularly for transgender individuals, was identified as another reason for unpleasant orgasms. For some, an orgasm served as an anxious reminder of the mismatch between their biological sex and their gender identity, leading to an unpleasant orgasm.

Fetishization

People of color who participated in the study reported that racial fetishization caused moral conflicts about the sexual experience, leading to negative orgasms.

Other reasons people may experience a bad orgasm

Aside from the reasons mentioned above, some sexual dysfunctions can cause an orgasm to feel bad or unpleasant.

Anorgasmia

Anorgasmia is characterized by delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms or experiencing orgasms that are significantly less intense, even after being sexually aroused and adequately stimulated. It can happen to people of all sexes, although it is less common in people with penises.

For people with a vulva, it is a symptom of sexual dysfunction — female orgasmic disorder, while in penis owners, it is likely a symptom of delayed ejaculation. Anorgasmia is caused by several factors, including stress, depression, anxiety, relationship factors, menopause, and certain medications.

Anhedonia

Anhedonia is a rare condition characterized by the inability to experience pleasure from an orgasm. This phenomenon is commonly observed in individuals with penises and is sometimes referred to as “pleasure dissociative orgasmic dysfunction” or “ejaculatory anhedonia.” Despite being able to ejaculate normally, individuals with anhedonia do not experience any pleasure during the act.

While they may achieve an erection and recognize that they are having an orgasm, the neural pathways in their brain responsible for interpreting these sensations as pleasurable are absent. The cause of the disorder is unknown, but for most people suffering from sexual anhedonia, it is unlikely that it will be permanent.

What to do if you experience a bad orgasm?

Depending on the reason for your bad orgasm, there are different methods to help you manage any physical or emotional needs.

  • Seek safety. If you feel unsafe for any reason, it’s important that you seek safety as soon as you can do so safely.
  • Use at-home treatments. If the cause of your bad orgasm was pain, you could use at-home remedies such as an ice pack and a heat pack to help alleviate the pain. If you have a small tear on the genitals, place an ice pack on the affected area to help with the pain. If you experience pelvic pain, a heat pack on the lower part of the stomach will help.
  • Communicate. If you feel pressured into having an orgasm to please your partner, you should communicate this to them so that you can work on ways to increase pleasure in further sexual experiences.

Many people will experience a bad orgasm in their lifetime. However, if you consistently experience them, it’s an indication that you may need to speak to a doctor along with a mental health professional, such as a sex therapist, in order to understand why it’s happening, and work out an individual treatment plan, to prevent it from happening in the future.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Seeking Sex Therapy

— Sexual dysfunctions affect a multitude of people throughout their lives. Therefore, it’s a common occurrence to visit a sex therapist. But, what motivates people to seek help? In this article, we’ll investigate.

By Gorka Jiménez Pajares

If you’re seeking sex therapy, you’re probably aware of its possible implications in other areas of your life. Sex therapy intervenes in clinical disorders like sexual dysfunction, a condition that affects three out of four people in adulthood, regardless of age or sex.

Despite this fact, many countries’ health strategies have been focused on other areas. For example, reproductive health and the prevention of the spread of sexually transmitted diseases. This has led to sex therapy remaining in the background.

“Sexuality is an integral part of a person’s emotional health and well-being, and should be treated with the same importance as any other area of health.” -Barry McCarthy-

Sexual dysfunction (SD)

Sexual dysfunction refers to various clinical entities. According to the American Psychiatric Association (DSM-5-TR, APA, 2022), they revolve around aspects such as a lack of sexual desire, difficulties with achieving erections, or pain during intercourse.

Research published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine (Lewis et al., 2010), claims that women often suffer from sexual dysfunction. In fact:

  • Up to 25 percent of women suffer from an orgasmic disorder.
  • Around 55 percent suffer from a sexual interest/arousal disorder.
  • Up to 27 percent suffer from a penetrating genito-pelvic disorder.

Men also frequently experience sexual dysfunction. An investigation led by Lewis et. al (2010) reports the following numbers:

  • Up to 30 percent of men suffer from premature ejaculation.
  • Around 40 percent experience an erectile disorder.
  • Up to 18 percent experience a sexual interest/arousal disorder.

As a rule, to diagnose sexual dysfunction, six months must have elapsed since the onset of symptoms. These have an impact in various spheres, such as couples. They cause anguish and discomfort in sufferers as they don’t enjoy sexual encounters (APA, 2022).

“Many contextual factors, such as the postpartum period, job stressors, or breakups, can temporarily affect sexual functioning.” -David Lafortune-

Patients seeking sex therapy

As a rule, those who request the services of a specialized sex therapist do so because they’re dissatisfied with their sexual experiences. In this regard, recent research published in the technical journal, Plos One, led by researcher David Lafortune (Lafortune et al., 2023) states that several common elements are found in people seeking sex therapy.

In fact, the study states that, as a result of dissatisfaction in this area, patients with sexual dysfunction experience high levels of discomfort. This leads them to seek professional help. However, the process is far from free of restrictions.

Lafortune et al mentioned the following drawbacks (Lafortune et al., 2023):

  • Nearly two out of ten people didn’t receive adequate information.
  • Almost three out of ten people couldn’t afford it.
  • Almost six out of ten people found it difficult to access an expert.
  • Nearly three out of ten patients were on waiting lists for extended periods.

When we look at the social and demographic characteristics of the participants, curiously, the majority of patients who attend sex therapy are usually men (both heterosexual and homosexual).

“Low sexual functioning represents a major public health problem.”-David Lafortune-

Professionals sought by patients seeking sex therapy

A study published in the International Urogynecology Journal (2018) claims that people with sexual dysfunction avoid contacting sexual health professionals because they consider the conditions they’re suffering from to be a natural and normal part of the aging process. However, this may constitute a mistaken belief regarding sexual health, since the advantages of going to therapy are substantial.

According to the study carried out by Lafortune and his team, almost 19 percent of people visted a specialist in general medicine, ten percent to a specialist in urology or gynecology, and 12 percent to a psychologist. Therefore, sex therapists are the professionals most in demand by those seeking to treat sexual dysfunction.

Considering the high prevalence of sexual dysfunction in society, it’s essential that public health policies are implemented to address these problems.

As you can see, there are several difficulties and barriers facing the sexual dysfunction sufferer. For instance, Lafortune et al mention that the pandemic produced by the SARS-COV-2 virus increased the number of patients with sexual dysfunction. This was due to the fact that, during the period of social isolation, there was no chance of seeking treatment.

“The COVID-19 pandemic could have exacerbated sexual dysfunctions and influenced help-seeking behaviors.”-David Lafortune-

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex? Sexual intercourse? Neither?

— Teens weigh in on evolving definitions — and habits

By JOCELYN GECKER

Situationships. “Sneaky links.” The “talking stage,” the flirtatious getting-to-know-you phase — typically done via text — that can lead to a hookup.

High school students are having less sexual intercourse. That’s what the studies say. But that doesn’t mean they’re having less sex.

The language of young love and lust, and the actions behind it, are evolving. And the shift is not being adequately captured in national studies, experts say.

For years, studies have shown a decline in the rates of American high school students having sex. That trend continued, not surprisingly, in the first years of the pandemic, according to a recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The study found that 30% of teens in 2021 said they had ever had sex, down from 38% in 2019 and a huge drop from three decades ago, when more than half of teens reported having sex.

The Associated Press took the findings to teenagers and experts around the country to ask for their interpretation. Parents: Some of the answers may surprise you.

THE MEANING OF SEX: DEPENDS WHO YOU ASK

For starters, what is the definition of sex?

“Hmm. That’s a good question,” says Rose, 17, a junior at a New England high school.

She thought about it for 20 seconds, then listed a range of possibilities for heterosexual sex, oral sex and relations between same-sex or LGBTQ partners. On her campus, short-term hookups — known as “situationships” — are typically low commitment and high risk from both health and emotional perspectives.

There are also “sneaky links” — when you hook up in secret and don’t tell your friends. “I have a feeling a lot more people are quote unquote having sex — just not necessarily between a man and a woman.”

For teens today, the conversation about sexuality is moving from a binary situation to a spectrum and so are the kinds of sex people are having. And while the vocabulary around sex is shifting, the main question on the CDC survey has been worded the same way since the government agency began its biannual study in 1991: Have you “ever had sexual intercourse?”

“Honestly, that question is a little laughable,” says Kay, 18, who identifies as queer and attends a public high school near Lansing, Michigan. “There’s probably a lot of teenagers who are like, ‘No, I’ve never had sexual intercourse, but I’ve had other kinds of sex.’”

The AP agreed to use teenagers’ first or middle names for this article because of a common concern they expressed about backlash at school, at home and on social media for speaking about their peers’ sex lives and LGBTQ+ relations.

SEXUAL IDENTITY IS EVOLVING

Several experts say the CDC findings could signal a shift in how teen sexuality is evolving, with gender fluidity becoming more common along with a decrease in stigma about identifying as not heterosexual.

They point to another finding in this year’s study that found the proportion of high school kids who identify as heterosexual dropped to about 75%, down from about 89% in 2015, when the CDC began asking about sexual orientation. Meanwhile, the share who identified as lesbian, gay or bisexual rose to 15%, up from 8% in 2015.

“I just wonder, if youth were in the room when the questions were being created, how they would be worded differently,” said Taryn Gal, executive director of the Michigan Organization on Adolescent Sexual Health.

Sex is just one of the topics covered by the CDC study, called the Youth Risk Behavior Survey. One of the main sources of national data about high school students on a range of behaviors, it is conducted every two years and asks about 100 questions on topics including smoking, drinking, drug use, bullying, carrying guns and sex. More than 17,000 students at 152 public and private high schools across the country responded to the 2021 survey.

“It’s a fine line we have to try to walk,” says Kathleen Ethier, director of the CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health, which leads the study.

From a methodological standpoint, changing a question would make it harder to compare trends over time. The goal is to take a national snapshot of teenage behavior, with the understanding that questions might not capture all the nuance. “It doesn’t allow us to go as in depth in some areas as we would like,” Ethier says.

The national survey, for example, does not ask about oral sex, which carries the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections. As for “sexual intercourse,” Ethier says, “We try to use a term that we know young people understand, realizing that it may not encompass all the ways young people would define sex.”

IS LESS TEEN SEX GOOD NEWS?

Beyond semantics, there are a multitude of theories on why the reported rates of high school sex have steadily declined — and what it might say about American society.

“I imagine some parents are rejoicing and some are concerned, and I think there is probably good cause for both,” says Sharon Hoover, co-director of the National Center for School Mental Health at the University of Maryland. Health officials like to see trends that result in fewer teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.

“But what we don’t know is what this means for the trajectory of young people,” Hoover says.

This year’s decrease, the sharpest drop ever recorded, clearly had a lot to do with the pandemic, which kept kids isolated, cut off from friends and immersed in social media. Even when life started returning to normal, many kids felt uncomfortable with face-to-face interaction and found their skills in verbal communication had declined, Hoover said.

The survey was conducted in the fall of 2021, just as many K-12 students returned to in-person classrooms after a year of online school.

Several teens interviewed said that when schools reopened, they returned with intense social anxiety compounded by fears of catching COVID. That added a new layer to pre-pandemic concerns about sexual relations like getting pregnant or catching STIs.

“I remember thinking, ‘What if I get sick? What if I get a disease? What if I don’t have the people skills for this?’” said Kay, the 18-year-old from Michigan. “All those ‘what ifs’ definitely affected my personal relationships, and how I interacted with strangers or personal partners.”

Another fear is the prying eyes of parents, says college student Abby Tow, who wonders if helicopter parenting has played a role in what she calls the “baby-fication of our generation.” A senior at the University of Oklahoma, Tow knows students in college whose parents monitor their whereabouts using tracking apps.

“Parents would get push notifications when their students left dorms and returned home to dorms,” says Tow, 22, majoring in social work and gender studies.

Tow also notices a “general sense of disillusionment” in her generation. She cites statistics that fewer teenagers today are getting driver’s licenses. “I think,” she says, “there is a correlation between students being able to drive and students having sex.”

Another cause for declining sex rates could be easy access to online porn, experts say. By the age of 17, three-quarters of teenagers have viewed pornography online, with the average age of first exposure at 12, according to a report earlier this year by Common Sense Media, a nonprofit child advocacy group.

“Porn is becoming sex ed for young people,” says Justine Fonte, a New York-based sex education teacher. She says pornography shapes and skews adolescent ideas about sexual acts, power and intimacy. “You can rewind, fast forward, play as much as you want. It doesn’t require you to think about how the person is feeling.”

IS THERE AN EVOLVING DEFINITION OF CONSENT?

Several experts said they hoped the decline could be partly attributed to a broader understanding of consent and an increase in “comprehensive” sex education being taught in many schools, which has become a target in ongoing culture wars.

Unlike abstinence-only programs, the lessons include discussion on understanding healthy relationships, gender identity, sexual orientation and preventing unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Contrary to what critics think, she said, young people are more likely to delay the onset of sexual activity if they have access to sex education.

Some schools and organizations supplement sex education with peer counseling, where teens are trained to speak to each other about relationships and other topics that young people might feel uncomfortable raising with adults.

Annika, 14, is a peer ambassador trained by Planned Parenthood and a high school freshman in Southern California. She’s offered guidance to friends in toxic relationships and worries about the ubiquity of porn among her peers, especially male friends. It’s clear to her that the pandemic stunted sex lives.

The CDC’s 2023 survey, which is currently underway, will show if the decline was temporary. Annika suspects it will show a spike. In her school, at least, students seem to be making up for lost time.

“People lost those two years so they’re craving it more,” she said. She has often been in a school bathroom where couples in stalls next to her are engaged in sexual activities.

Again, the definition of sex? “Any sexual act,” Annika says. “And sexual intercourse is one type of act.”

To get a truly accurate reading of teen sexuality, the evolution of language needs to be taken into account, says Dr. John Santelli, a Columbia University professor who specializes in adolescent sexuality.

“The word intercourse used to have another meaning,” he points out. “Intercourse used to just mean talking.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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In Indiana, the culture wars aim at Kinsey

— The heart of sex research

Alfred C. Kinsey is questioned by Hazel Markel, left, president of the Women’s National Press Club, and Cornelia Otis Skinner, actress and writer, in Washington on Sept. 2, 1953.

By Justin R. Garcia

At the entrance to the Kinsey Institute, at Indiana University, there’s a plaque with a famous quote from its founder, Alfred C. Kinsey: “We are the recorders and reporters of facts — not the judges of the behaviors we describe.”

That ethos is at the heart of all the institute’s research.

For generations, the Kinsey Institute has shined a light on diverse aspects of sex and sexuality, in pursuit of answers that bring us closer to understanding fundamental questions of human existence. In a time of divisive politics and disinformation, it is more imperative than ever to preserve and defend the right of such academic institutions to illuminate the unfolding frontiers of science — even, and especially, research that might challenge us as it advances our understanding of ourselves.

Thus it is tremendously disappointing that Indiana lawmakers voted late last month to approve a budget that specifically blocks Indiana University from using state funding to support the Kinsey Institute, and that last week Gov. Eric Holcomb signed it into state law. This is an unprecedented action that takes aim at the very foundation of academic freedom.

The Kinsey Institute, where I serve as the executive director and a senior scientist, is the leading sex research institute in the world. We publish dozens of scientific and academic articles each year, across multiple disciplines. Our faculty are internationally renowned biologists, psychologists, anthropologists, health scientists and demographers. We house the world’s largest library and research collection of sexuality-related materials, and scholars from across the globe visit us to study these materials and to train in our research theories and methods.

Our unbiased, apolitical, scientific approach to human sexuality makes the Kinsey Institute unique. It is also what makes the work we do so controversial.

Since its founding in 1947, the institute has been the target of disinformation and attacks. The original “Kinsey reports” (“Sexual Behavior in the Human Male” in 1948, “Sexual Behavior in the Human Female” in 1953) drew data from the most thorough sexological study ever conducted. Both books were instant bestsellers, and Kinsey went from scientist to celebrity.

Yet the reports were also met with shock and moral panic — especially following the second volume, which documented the real sexual lives of America’s wives, sisters, mothers and daughters. So much controversy ensued that the Rockefeller Foundation withdrew its sex research funding for the institute in 1954

In 1950, a U.S. customs officer seized a shipment of sexually explicit images and other materials being mailed to the institute’s research collection on the basis of their being “obscene.” The federal court case that followed, United States v. 31 Photographs, resulted in a historic ruling in favor of the institute’s right to collect materials and data for sex research, which has profoundly shaped our understanding of academic freedom from censorship.

Another wave of attacks came in the 1980s, whipped up by conspiracy theories that Kinsey’s research had unleashed the sexual revolution and, with it, a moral decay on America.

As Kinsey wrote in 1956: “It is incomprehensible that we should know so little about such an important subject as sex, unless you realize the multiplicity of forces which have operated to dissuade the scientist, to intimidate the scientist, and to force him to cease research in these areas.”

Yet, Kinsey and his researchers persisted. And three-quarters of a century after the institute’s founding, the contribution of sex research to our understanding of sexuality, relationships and well-being is clear.

We know that one of the biggest predictors of relationship satisfaction is sexual satisfaction, and that one’s sex life affects the trajectory of relationships and marriages. That comprehensive sex education, including understanding consent and identifying interpersonal abuse, is associated with positive psychological and health outcomes — from prevention of unintended pregnancy to protecting against sexually transmitted infections.

We also know many questions still need to be answered. The complex associations between sexual activity and fertility outcomes. The long-term effects of covid-19 on people’s relationships and sexual lives. How the loneliness epidemic is affecting mental health across demographics. How new social technologies are changing the concept of intimacy and redefining sexual behavior. Why 1 in 4 women in the United States still experience attempted or completed rape.

Given these major unknowns, why do attacks on our research continue? The state representative who first proposed this recent legislation parroted false allegations of sexual predation in the institute’s historical research and ongoing work, which the institute, the university and outside experts have repeatedly refuted. Indiana state Rep. Matt Pierce described these conspiracy theories as “warmed-over internet memes that keep coming back.” The legislature still acted on this disturbing, easily debunked misinformation.

Indiana is not alone. Across the country, legislation is being passed that affects millions of lives, restricting reproductive health care, discussions of gender identity and basic sex education. The people passing this legislation are fundamentally failing to leverage scientific evidence as a guide through these complex issues

I am optimistic that this latest culture war will pass. And the Kinsey Institute will carry on. While this recently passed legislation stings, the majority of the institute’s funding comes from outside the university, from research grants and contracts, as well as philanthropic donations. But I worry what the future will look like, for our institute and others — and for the students and researchers who rely on us — should state legislatures continue to act on misinformation around sexuality.

Some years ago, an Indiana University alum shared with me why the Kinsey Institute was so important to him. He was a gay man in his late 60s, and he recalled how as a student in the 1970s he was struggling to come to terms with his sexuality. At times, he felt so confused and isolated, he wasn’t sure he would ever find his way through that dark time. He was too afraid, he told me, to set foot inside the Kinsey Institute back then, but “just knowing it existed, that someone was out there searching for answers, saved my life.”

His words took on new resonance last week. I think about this story often, and I’m reminded what’s at stake when we limit the right to even ask questions.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Does Sex Make You Live Longer?

— Sex is not only one of the most important ways you can connect with your partner and experience deep pleasure, but it also comes with plenty of health benefits like a boosted immune system, lower stress levels, and a reduced risk of cardiovascular disease. This article will explore whether increased longevity is another of the many benefits sex can bring.

By Natasha Weiss

  • Sex is an important part of life for most people and it has many potential health benefits.
  • The health benefits of sex include improved brain health, improved immune function, and lower rates of stress and cardiovascular disease.
  • Sex also helps to improve romantic relationships which contributes to overall well-being and longevity.

Sex and longevity

With so much attention on lifestyle hacks to increase longevity, it’s no wonder researchers have turned to investigating sex as a way of living longer with greater vitality. Let’s take a look at some of the most well studied ways that sex can help us live longer.

Improved brain health

So much of longevity and enjoyment of life, especially as you age, has to do with the brain. Specifically how well it’s working. Staying mentally sharp helps people have more control over their lives and feel more like themselves even as they get older. Sex may help with that.

Researchers conducted a longitudinal study on the connection between sexual activity and cognition in people aged 50-89. They found a significant connection between the two, specifically in tasks like recall and number sequencing.

Having sex can help improve your brain health at any age, especially when it comes to memory and communication. Frequent sex can help increase neuron growth in the part of the brain responsible for emotions and memory – the hippocampus. Keeping your wits about you as you age can help improve your quality of life and help you feel better all around.

Lowers stress levels

Do you know what isn’t good for your cognitive health? Stress. High-stress levels can contribute to cognitive decline in aging adults. Chronic stress can increase your risk of mental and physical health problems like high blood pressure, sleep problems, and depression. Luckily having sex can also help combat that.

Sexual activity helps to reduce the levels of stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. It can also stimulate the production of endorphins, which naturally elevate your mood. Any sort of sexual activity, but especially ones that lead to orgasms helps release oxytocin, aka the love hormone, promoting bonding and helping to relieve stress.

It’s not just the hormonal aspect of sex that can help decrease stress levels. Sex is also a decent form of exercise. Regular weekly exercise can increase your lifespan. While sex isn’t a replacement for other forms of exercise, it is a great addition.

Reduces the risk of cardiovascular disease

Cardiovascular disease is the number one cause of death globally. Hypertension (high blood pressure), rapid heart rate, heart attacks, and other cardiovascular events are all different types of cardiovascular disease.

Stress and heart health are also very closely linked. Heart disease affects so many people personally and is not something to make light of, but the science is there – sex can help lower the risk of cardiovascular disease.

One study found having regular sex was linked to men experiencing cardiovascular events later in life than those that didn’t have regular sex. The same study also showed that good sexual quality seemed to protect women from cardiovascular disease later in life. Much like with stress, the physical activity component of having sex may promote cardiovascular fitness, improving overall heart health.

Enhanced immune system

Your immune system is the key to your health. Especially when it comes to infectious diseases.

Yet another example of exercise and longevity. Getting regular physical activity helps to improve immune function. Again, sex contributes to your overall amount of physical activity, but is not a substitute for exercise in general.

It’s not just because of exercise. Researchers found that people who had regular sex — once or twice a week — had significantly higher levels of immunoglobulin A (IgA) in their saliva. IgA is an antibody that helps your immune system prevent illnesses like colds.

The immune-boosting effects of regular sex also have an effect on those exposed to the COVID-19 virus. Researchers found that people who had sex more than three times a month were better able to combat pathogens and had lower rates of COVID-19 infections.

Relationships and longevity

Humans are social creatures. They depend on each other for resources, community, and even for positive health outcomes. Sex is one of the most important parts of many people’s relationships, which can help improve overall well-being and increase your lifespan.

It may seem obvious, but science is here to back it up — there is a strong correlation between sexual activity in older adults and greater life enjoyment. It’s fair to say that it probably extends to adults of any age.

Feelings of loneliness can increase the risk of clinical dementia in older age. That’s just one example of the ways that sex and relationships can improve health outcomes. Numerous studies have examined the ways that satisfying relationships are correlated with fewer health problems and a longer lifespan.

How to improve your sex life and live longer

The biggest thing in maximizing the health benefits of sex is figuring out a pattern that works for you. Sex doesn’t just mean penetration. It can also include oral sex, using sex toys, clitoral stimulation, anal sex, or anything else that feels like sex for you. While many of these perks have to do with having sex with a partner, masturbation also offers many health benefits.

We also want to acknowledge that for many people, sex is a form of stress, disconnection, pain, or simply not something that they’re interested in. This can be true for people who experience pain during sex from certain reproductive health disorders like endometriosis or vulvodynia, have experienced certain types of trauma, or are on the asexual spectrum.

If this is you, know that you can have a long, healthy life without sex (or regular sex) and that there are many steps you can take to help enjoy sex again — if you want to. This includes things like increasing intimacy and communication with your partner outside the bedroom and/or going to a sex therapist.

FAQ

How much sex do you have to have for the antiaging effects?

There are many variables when it comes to sex and aging. Some studies saw benefits in people who had sex more than three times a month, while others suggested once or twice a week. Also, this shouldn’t be a numbers game. Ideally, you should have as much sex as makes sense for you and your partner (if you have one).

How long can you be sexually active?

There is no cap on how late in life you can have sex. Obviously, there are health or physical disabilities that can affect your sex life, but people can have enjoyable sex well into old age. It’s important that no matter how old you are, you still practice safer sex by using barrier methods like condoms.

Can sex help you look younger?

Sex doesn’t just help prolong your lifespan, it may also help keep you looking young. One study found that people who had regular sex (three to five times a week) appeared seven to twelve years younger than they actually were. The hormonal effects of having sex like increased oxytocin and lower cortisol levels can also help you look younger.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The five stages of a relationship

— And how they affect your love life

There’s a lot that comes after the honeymoon stage

By Holly Berckelman

Did you know there are five stages in long-term relationships? Sex and relationship therapist Georgia Grace helps decode this viral theory.

There comes a point in every relationship where you run into the hard stuff.

Slowly, you’re not sitting on cloud nine anymore and reality sets in. The dumb way they brush their teeth and their 100-decibel snores in your ear every night becomes less of an endearing quirk and more of a fully-fledged annoyance.

At the same time, how they smile when they sleep and dance in the shower makes you fall a little bit more in love with them every day.

The relationship is growing up, and with it, the rewards and challenges do too. Then all of a sudden you move into another phase, and things change again.

As it turns out, relationships don’t consist of just a honeymoon period, and ‘the rest’. In fact, while they morph and adapt constantly, they actually consist of several distinct phases, – and the key to relationship success is understanding them all.

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In a recent video posted on TikTok, creator @hannahgetshired says “Can we normalise wanting to break up with your partner in a long-term relationship?”, before referencing a now-viral theory called the five stages of relationships theory.

While ideally, it’d be great if most of us didn’t want to dump our partners in long-term relationships, according to the theory, which is heavily informed by Knapp’s Relationship Development Model and work by the Relationship Institute, each phase consists of its own individual rewards and challenges, which can lead to couples questioning whether they’re right for each other.

“I think it’s really useful for people to see this framework to understand that it is really common for a relationship and a dynamic within a relationship to change,” says sex and relationship practitioner Georgia Grace, who uses the model when working with couples or individuals in a relationship.

And change they will. So, here’s what to expect.

The five stages of every long-term relationship

#1 Honeymoon phase

Length: Six months to one year

Ah the sweet, sweet honeymoon phase. We all know it, we all wish it lasted forever. This is the phase people often look back on as their relationship grows up – it’s all love, all the time.

“Romance, roses and rainbows – a time of intense love and attraction,” says Grace. “In the Honeymoon Stage we experience an intense surge of affection for our partner.”

“Biochemical changes in our body ignite a state of infatuation – dopamine and oxytocin peak to form a new bond.”

However, in the honeymoon phase, it’s also easy to overlook the tiny kinks and bits of friction in the relationship. And by definition, it lacks the depth that comes with longer-term relationships, relying instead on the rush of emotion and obsession over the long-lasting connection that is still to come.

#2 Uncertainty

Length: Six months to two years

When the dizzying heights of new love start to wear off, that’s when uncertainty and questioning set in.

“One of the more challenging phases is Uncertainty,” Grace tells Body+Soul. “Reality is setting in and you’re no longer experiencing the relationship when it’s free from concern, but you are actually starting to ask questions like, ‘Are we a good match?’”

These questions can be scary because it’s the first time you start to question whether a relationship can actually last, or if it’s more of a fleeting romance. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Pushing through Uncertainty is how the foundations for longevity and a strong relationship are built, which means the best is still to come.

#3 Adjustment

Length: After two years

Adjustment is when the real work in long-term relationships begins.

“In Adjustment you really start to recognise how you might be not compatible and this is where conflict often arises,’ Grace tells Body+Soul.

“We’ve seen our partner’s flaws and recognised our incompatibilities. Now we work to overcome these challenges in times of conflict.”

To make it through this phase you need communication in spades, a willingness to work through issues, and the toolkit to do so.

Grace assists her clients with developing “conflict management or conflict resolution processes, so that they can move beyond this if that’s something that they want.”

But ultimately it might not be, and many couples fold because they no longer want the same thing, or they just can’t make it work.

“Some people get to that phase and then are like ‘actually we’re too different. This isn’t going to work for us, so we need to end this relationship’.”

#4 Commitment

Length: After two years

The Commitment stage marks the easing of the storm. A couple has realised their differences, and probably had disagreements about them, but they’re coming out the other side, committing to try despite their small incompatibilities.

Grace says this is a time when couples examine their expectations of the other, and ultimately decide “whether to stay – or go.”

#5 Acceptance

Length: Five years plus

Acceptance is almost like the grown-up version of the honeymoon. The relationship isn’t marked by infatuation or obsession, but by stability, togetherness and boundaries. In healthy relationships, there’s a level of comfort that can be just as enthralling as new love, because you’ve found a person who is seemingly also in it for the long run – and what’s better than that?

Rinse and repeat

This theory is cyclical, and for very long-term relationships, they may get to the ‘end’ of the circle in Acceptance and then find themselves right back in the Honeymoon phase, before moving back through the process all over again.

Other factors can also come in and shake things up too. Grace tells Body+Soul, “Maybe you’ve had kids together or there’s been infidelity, or you’re working through something, or it’s just the natural cycle of a relationship, and you’ve got to that final stage of Acceptance and this long-term love. But then the novelty and excitement has gone out of the relationship.” This situation could move couples back into a period of Uncertainty, which they will then have to work through, before hopefully finding their way back to a period of Acceptance.

But the second time around will never look like the first. “We need to allow for our partners to be able to surprise us and to change,” Grace tells Body+Soul. “[We can’t] hold them to the person that they were when we met them a few years ago.”

So, even as the relationship returns to ‘earlier’ phases, they will always look different, as the couple is constantly developing and growing up – either towards each other or apart.

How to use the theory

Just as the model is cyclical, it’s also not always linear. And similarly, having awareness of the model isn’t always enough to save you. Slipping from Acceptance back into feelings of Uncertainty can be terrifying, and often, knowing that’s what’s happening isn’t enough to pull it back out.

But while it can be a limiting model – Grace believes it “can be really validating for people to learn that any relationship will go through its changes,” which can challenge and refocus the couple as a result.

Our suggestion? Use it as a compass – to know where you might be heading, and what you can expect during that time – but not as a crystal ball, because really, you never know what’s going to happen.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Your Guide To Buying Condoms Because Prioritizing Your Sexual Health Is A Flex

By Frances Dean

Taking care of your sexual health pleasure is actually a huge flex, but society doesn’t make it easy to feel empowered while buying birth control. Condoms — the easiest kind of birth control to obtain and the kind with the least amount of side effects — are marketed almost exclusively to cisgender men, in everything from packaging design to description. “The products and shopping journey remains geared towards men and there is still a stigma attached to a woman buying and having her own condoms,” Cécile Gasnault, brand director at SmileMakers, explained to Cosmopolitan UK.

The market continues to grow and change, and in recent years there’s been an influx of startups and brands marketing condoms to women and femme people. However, it’s still far from the norm. So, until femme-forward condoms become ubiquitous and the patriarchy ceases to exist, you’ll likely have to make do with a pharmacy full of male-forward brands. To make the process easier, we break down everything you need to know about buying condoms so that you can be in complete control of your sexual health.

Know your options

When talking about condoms, people usually mean two different things. They are either talking about female condoms or male condoms. Female condoms are much less popular, due in part to the fact that they’ve only been around since the 1990s. A female condom is basically the opposite of a male condom. A female condom goes inside the vagina, and a male condom fits around the outside of the penis or phallic-shaped toys. Another key difference is the levels of effectiveness. Male condoms are roughly 82% effective at preventing pregnancy if used ideally, while studies have shown female condoms to be closer to 79% effective.

Condoms of both varieties, unlike many other forms of birth control, are a good option because they are highly effective and available without a prescription. Most importantly, out of all types of birth control, condoms (both male and female) are the best at preventing STDs. “Condoms act as a barrier which doesn’t allow mixing of bodily fluids and decreases exposure of one partner’s fluids from another,” Dr. Randy S. Gelow told Banner Health. “Remember, between 50% to 80% of STIs have ZERO symptoms, so even if a partner states they have no symptoms or don’t show any symptoms, this doesn’t mean that they don’t have an STI.” Some scientists even think that female condoms might be slightly more effective than their male counterparts. Translation: unless you and your partner have just been tested, use a condom.

Protect yourself

Woman with condom in pocket

There are about a million different brands of condoms out there, and it can feel a little overwhelming when you’re facing an entire aisle of them at the pharmacy. If you opt for external condoms (i.e. male condoms), experts recommend checking the ingredients of the brands before spending your money. A small percentage of people are allergic to latex. If you fall into this category, opt for lambskin or a different material. Even if you don’t have a latex allergy, some ingredients in condoms can be toxic no matter your gender, so it’s best to opt for something natural if you can.

“Chemicals, dyes, additives, sugar alcohols, preservatives, local anesthetics, spermicides, and other potentially carcinogenic ingredients are often included in standard condoms,” Sherry Ross, MD, OB-GYN, a women’s health expert, and author told Healthline. “Standard brands are not usually concerned about whether their ingredients are organic or natural.” As our bodies absorb everything we put in them, using condoms with carcinogenic ingredients can be dangerous. Don’t be nervous to try something non-name brand for the sake of safer ingredients. Organic options are just as effective as traditional brands and can be safer for you and your partner.

While condom manufacturers are unfortunately not required to list all the ingredients in their products, there are a few to look out for. Avoid condoms with nitrosamine (a known carcinogen), as well as glycerin and condoms with added spermicides — two ingredients that studies suggest do damage the vagina.

Your pleasure is paramount

The sheer variety of birth control methods can feel overwhelming, but sex isn’t supposed to feel like a chore; It’s supposed to be fun! When it comes to hitting the condom aisle, sex therapists recommend looking for two things: ribbed and lubricated. The texture of ribbed condoms (or the less common “dotted”) can provide some of the sensations that using a condom may take out of penetration. “A textured condom can stimulate the nerves that are present in the vagina better than a nontextured condom does, which may enhance pleasure,” Goody Howard, a sex educator, explained to Healthline.

Besides texture, a lubricated condom can be the difference between a great and a very uncomfortable sexual encounter. Lubrication — something the body tends to create itself — is a sign of arousal and a helpful aid for sex. However, a regular latex condom can sometimes feel too dry. To combat this, opt for a brand that factors lubrication into their product. “Any kind of condom with lubrication is always great, just because we can always use a little extra help. Why not?” said Jenni Skylar, a certified sex therapist, when speaking to Women’s Health.

A lubed condom (or adding lube when using a regular condom) makes sex feel better and safer. “If you use a condom-friendly lube (i.e., water-based lube),” Angie Rowntree, founder of a sex-positive and ethical porn site, told Mind Body Green. “It can help prevent breakage and make condom use feel more pleasurable.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Does sex get better with age?

— This senior sex therapist thinks so

Older people can enjoy great sex but it starts with believing it’s possible — and communicating when you need to adapt your approach.

By Andrea Muraskin

A lot of people anticipate enjoying their golden years – but what does that look like? Time for hobbies, travel, spoiling your grandkids? What about great sex?

A study published last month in The Gerontologist looks at how well our sexual expectations match up with reality over time.

This story was adapted from the April 30 edition of NPR Health, a newsletter covering the science of healthy living. To get more stories like this delivered to your in-box, click here to subscribe.

As part of the MIDUS (Midlife in the US) study, hundreds of partnered adults ages 45 and up were asked to rate how satisfying they expected their sex lives to be 10 years in the future. Researchers then checked in with the participants a decade later.

Their findings seem to demonstrate the power of positive thinking.

Participants who were optimistic about their sex lives reported having significantly more frequent and more satisfying sex than those who had lower expectations. Also, “sexually optimistic” individuals who acquired physical limitations they didn’t have ten years before – such as pain that made it harder to lift groceries or exercise – reported having more frequent sex than people who had lower sexual expectations and no such limitations.

Natalie Wilton, a therapist who specializes in senior sexuality, says it’s no surprise that people feel pessimistic about sex as they age.

“As a society, we buy into a lot of those really dangerous tropes and stereotypes, which make it very difficult for older adults to feel open about talking about sex. Like that dirty old man’s stereotype, or the woman as a cougar, or even kind of infantilizing. We see two older adults and we’ll be like, oh, cute! They’re holding hands, right? Or when they do anything related to sex, we’re like, oh, that’s weird.”

She says these kinds of norms discourage discussion of healthy sexuality for older folks, which can hold them back when they may need to adapt their approach in bed.

Wilton helps clients navigate the changes in their bodies – and keep their sex lives thriving. “I’m always amazed at how people are surprised about talking about sex and older adults, like it’s always this great revelation,” she says. “If something was really good right now, why would you want it to stop?”

With some adjustments, she says, there’s no reason to leave sexual satisfaction in the past. Here’s some of her advice.

1. Slow your roll

One big piece of advice she offers is planning for more time for sex. As we age, our sexual response cycle – the time it takes to become aroused before and between sexual activity – becomes slower. Women especially may require more time and more touch beforehand to overcome a feeling of “my mind is there but my body’s not quite there yet,” Wilton says. And for people with medical conditions whose symptoms worsen at night, so she suggests moving sexual activity to the morning or afternoon.

2. Equip the bed

“Mobility is a huge issue,” when it comes to having comfortable sex, Wilton says, but today’s seniors have options. Props can help you get in a pain-free position. “There’s tons that exist on the market, benches and wedges and different kinds of things, but you can also just use the things [like pillows] that you have in your own home.” Even simply changing position can help.

A tip: assistive equipment like foam wedges marketed for sexual activity can often be found for much cheaper at medical supply retailers or on Amazon marketed as “back support.”

3. Check out the toy store, online

Sometimes great sex comes down to planning ahead. Make sure you have the supplies you need, says Wilton. “Something like lube is great for women as they get older.”

She also encourages her clients to experiment with different toys. “It is actually a really great experience to go into a sex shop, but it’s pretty cool that we can go online and look for things that, you know, maybe if we don’t feel comfortable or even live in a small town that doesn’t have great access to that kind of stuff,” she notes. Drug store chains generally carry lubricant, and many stock a few toys as well.

4. Open up to new ways of connecting

Wilton encourages clients to redefine what sex and intimacy looks like, and develop flexibility around that – try not to “get in your head about it” if something’s not working, she says. “Say your partner can’t get an erection or your partner doesn’t seem to be in the mood. It’s not getting like, ‘oh my goodness, they, they don’t wanna be with me. This is awful. We need to stop.’ ”

Instead she says, adapt and try something different. “Just snuggle instead, give each other a back massage or touch each other differently,” she suggests. “Just kind of give that time and space for things to move and flow a little bit more organically.”

5. Watch for side effects of your medications

When it comes to sex, Wilton recommends asking questions and advocating for yourself at the doctor’s office. “Things like diabetes, heart disease, Parkinson’s, the whole host of issues that we tend to see more commonly as people get older, often have either a sexual side effect based on the illness itself, or many of the medications may have some kind of side effect,” she says.

6. Expect the best

Despite challenges, Wilton says the sex you have when you’re older can be the best of your life.

“Sometimes we develop a bit more of a confidence for ourselves too when we get older. We’re like, ‘yeah, you know what? I am who I am and I like me.’ Most people, as they get a little bit older, they stop caring about some of those less important things, and I think that promotes a better sex life too.”

To learn more, Wilton recommends the books and website of senior sexuality advocate Joan Price, an advocate and educator for “ageless sexuality.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Expert Shares Why You May Be Struggling To Orgasm With Your Partner

BY Tessa Somberg

At various points in our lives, orgasms can be the ultimate bliss and the ultimate frustration. Remember that our relationships with our bodies can be fluid and changeable, and sometimes, this can change the sex we have with our partners. For many women, achieving orgasm with a partner can be a challenge — even when achieving orgasm alone, or with the assistance of something akin to a handy-dandy vibrator, comes easily. We may start to blame ourselves, our partners may start to blame themselves, and the bedroom can start to feel anxiety-provoking, rather than a relaxing space to unwind and enjoy all the pleasures our bodies can feel.

Should you be looking for solutions to easier orgasms, but you’re having trouble honing in on what could be addressed, we have some ideas for you. Women spoke exclusively with Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist, to better understand what barriers might need to be broken to achieve orgasm with your partner. She said, “Sex is not a performance, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. Take the pressure off of yourself and focus on enjoying the moment. Don’t be discouraged if things don’t go as planned; it happens to the best of us.”

Put your body first

Whether you have recently been struggling to orgasm in the bedroom, or have been struggling for some time, the stress of wondering, “Am I going to orgasm this time?” could be enough to stop you from being in the moment. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Sometimes, our brains can get in the way of our bodies. If you’re too worried about whether or not you’re going to orgasm, you might end up putting too much pressure on yourself and making it harder to actually get there.” In order to combat this, remind yourself that when it comes to sex, there is no race to the finish; there is no “right” amount of time it “should” take to get to orgasm. Instead, feeling and embracing pleasure throughout the sex act is part of the experience.

Should you feel your mind racing during sex, and the anxiety over your orgasm has set in, try to redirect your thoughts to the physical sensations in your body. Remind yourself that it is okay to let go of the expectation of orgasm. Perhaps you will be surprised how far that can take you.

Prioritize quality stimulation

Remember also that, when engaging in sex with a new partner, it could simply take time to learn about each other’s bodies. And, of course, knowing your own body is key. “Masturbation can be a helpful way to learn what types of touch and stimulation feel good for you,” Dr. Aliyah Moore said, speaking exclusively with Women. “When you know what feels good for you, it can be easier to communicate that to your partner and guide them to provide the stimulation you need to reach orgasm.”

While you might feel self-conscious speaking up to your partner when you want them to do something different, keep in mind that your partner wants to please you. You can communicate before sex, or gently guide your partner through movements that feel good to you during sex as well. “Approach the issue with empathy and an open mind, and work together to find solutions that work for both of you,” Dr. Moore said. “Try to avoid blame or criticism and instead focus on finding ways to support each other and address the issue together.” Do not be afraid to tell your partner when a certain action does not feel good, either. Incorporating longer foreplay into your sexual encounters has also been shown to increase the rate of orgasm, according to a 2014 article published in Human Reproductive Biology.

Review your medications

Being on certain kinds of medications, namely antidepressants such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, aka SSRIs, can also significantly impact one’s ease in having an orgasm. For those whose depression symptoms are significantly improving on medication, but are still having trouble in bed, there are some ways you can work around side effects that might include lack of sex drive, or difficulty reaching orgasm.

First, know that over time, the side effects of SSRIs on your libido can sometimes fade as your body adjusts to the medication. Should you have just started your treatment and feel frustrated with the changes in your sex life, do what you can to be gentle with yourself, and give the circumstances some patience. Should the issue persist, “Talk to your doctor,” Dr. Aliyah Moore suggested, speaking exclusively with Women. “If you’re experiencing difficulty reaching orgasm, it’s a good idea to talk to your doctor to rule out any underlying medical conditions or medication side effects that could be contributing to the problem. Your doctor may be able to suggest treatments or adjustments to your medication that could help,” she said. This could include anything from lowering the dose when appropriate, to switching medications to see if the issue continues.

Assess your physical health issues

A number of physical issues could also hinder your ability to orgasm in bed. One is anorgasmia. According to Mayo Clinic, “Anorgamsia is delayed, infrequent or absent orgasms — or significantly less-intense orgasms — after sexual arousal and adequate sexual stimulation. Women who have problems with orgasms and who feel significant distress about those problems may be diagnosed with anorgasmia.”

There are other issues, too. Speaking exclusively with Women, Dr. Aliyah Moore said, “Unfortunately, certain health conditions can impact our sexual function. Diabetes, multiple sclerosis, and spinal cord injuries are just a few examples. But even things like hormonal imbalances or thyroid issues can play a role.”

There are also several kinds of sexual dysfunction disorders that could contribute to issues with orgasming, where symptoms could include having pain during sex, perhaps caused by ovarian cysts or fibroids, and having a lack of sexual desire or arousal. Age does tend to be a factor in many sexual dysfunction disorders, however. For any number of these concerns, see a doctor or specialist for treatment plans and ideas.

Consider the role of past trauma

ƒsubPast trauma can also be a sensitive barrier to achieving orgasm. When you have had a traumatic experience surrounding sex, reclaiming your body can be a process that necessitates care, love, attention, and trust. Survivors of sexual assault, for example, might experience self-blame, disgust, or otherwise feel disconnected from their bodies, which can make sexual experiences hard to enjoy. Some may even have flashbacks of the traumatic incident. Know that it is possible to repair your relationship with your body and with sex, even when it feels challenging. Understanding your triggers and boundaries, as well as engaging in robust communication, are just a few ideas that can help shape what you want out of your sexual experiences.

Perhaps you might simply be having issues in your relationship that make having an orgasm difficult. “If past trauma or relationship issues are impacting your ability to orgasm, working with a therapist can be helpful in addressing these issues,” said Dr. Aliyah Moore, speaking exclusively with Women. She continued, “A therapist who specializes in sexual issues can help you work through any underlying psychological factors that may be impacting your ability to reach orgasm.” And where therapy is financially unfeasible, explore sexual education resources online. The sex exploration app Ferly, for example, offers expert guides, insight, and community for a small fee each month.

In the end, Dr. Moore advised, “Be gentle with yourself and your partner: It’s important to remember that sexual function can be impacted by various factors, and it’s not necessarily anyone’s fault.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to set sexual boundaries

— Having boundaries establishes trust between partners. Here’s how to do it.

By Anna Iovine

Boundaries are the latest buzzword in the mental wellness space, but with good reason: They allow us to express what we want, and feel safer in our relationships.

That being said, setting boundaries isn’t easy — especially in the bedroom. “In a culture that applauds people for being as easy-going and flexible, it can feel like we are inconveniencing people by setting clear sexual boundaries,” said queer sex therapist and expert for sex toy brand LELO, Casey Tanner.

In reality, however, setting boundaries builds trust between partners. If someone knows their boundaries will be respected, they’ll feel more confident taking risks and exploring with you, Tanner said. We asked experts like them to explain what boundaries even are, and how you can set them with your partner.

What are boundaries?

The word “boundary” gets thrown around a lot, and not always correctly. “I set a boundary for my partner,” for example, isn’t a boundary, said relationship, sex, and mental health therapist Rachel Wright. Why? “Boundaries are things that we set for ourselves that we are not available for,” she said. “‘I can’t talk tonight’ is a boundary. ‘I am not going to participate in this conversation if you’re talking to me like that’ is a boundary.”

With sexual boundaries, it’s the same thing: It’s our own preferences. Examples of sexual boundaries Wright said are: “I don’t like to be touched here,” and, “I’m not interested in anal sex.”

“Whatever the case is,” said Wright, “it has to start with ‘I.'”

Wright’s advice is to, first and foremost, figure out what these boundaries are for you. Acknowledge that they can and likely will change over time — just like our desires can change.

“You are the only person who can set your sexual boundaries,” echoed Tanner. After you communicate them to your partner(s), though, everyone involved is accountable to holding them and checking-in over time.

Sometimes, boundaries may be more nuanced than an absolute yes or no, and it may require self-exploration to figure out where you draw the line.

One challenge people face is being unsure where their boundaries lie, they continued. Sometimes, boundaries may be more nuanced than an absolute yes or no, and it may require self-exploration to figure out where you draw the line. “This is why it’s so important to embrace a consent practice that allows you to say ‘no’ halfway through trying something,” said Tanner. “You can always rescind your consent, even if initially you thought you were interested.”

If setting sexual boundaries feels scary, Tanner recommends setting non-sexual boundaries with people you know to be supportive. Try saying “no” to an event you don’t feel like going to, for example. By practicing boundaries in a lower-stakes setting, you’ll be more prepared to advocate for yourself in sexual situations.

Contain the boundary conversation

Once you establish what your boundaries are, the next step is to share them with your partner. “A beautiful way to do that is through asking for a container,” Wright said. A container, in this instance, means a specific time and place to have an important conversation. A way to ask for that is, “I would love to have a conversation with you about sexual boundaries. When would be a good time?”

“You can always rescind your consent, even if initially you thought you were interested.”

We may ambush our loved ones with these sensitive conversations and launch into them without consent, which doesn’t go over well. If someone had a bad day at work, for example, their mind will be elsewhere than what you want to talk about. This could leave you feeling rejected — but asking for a container can help this.

If such an in-person conversation is difficult for you — or you’re meeting someone for a hookup for the first time — you can discuss boundaries via text or dating app beforehand, Tanner said. Try initiating a conversation about limits and desires prior to meeting.

How to tell your partner your sexual boundaries

Once you establish a time and place (preferably private, say your living room), now you state your boundaries and have an open conversation.

Discuss any areas of your body that you prefer not to be touched, penetrated, or have contact with without a barrier (like a condom) — or at least without consent first each time, said sexologist and therapist Dr. Joy Berkheimer, LMFT.

Tell your partner any words or scenarios you may find uncomfortable, and ask them the same. Examples Berkheimer named are being too dominant or submissive, introducing toys, or refusing toys.

Discuss erotic possibilities that are on or off the table; read Mashable’s guide for discussing kink with your vanilla partner. If needed, introduce a safe word, or a prearranged word to stop a sexual activity in the moment.

Remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you have a boundary. If it feels good to share, by all means, do; if you don’t, however, that’s okay. “Even a gut feeling that says ‘this doesn’t feel right’ is a valid reason to set a sexual boundary,” Tanner said.

If you have multiple partners, you can also have different boundaries with different people! Boundaries with a longtime partner will look different than those with someone new.

Stay open when speaking about your intimate values, and embrace the fact that we’ve all absorbed varying narratives about sexuality and our bodies, Berkheimer said.

“We’ve been informed by our families culture, possibly personal trauma, past relationships or media,” Berkheimer continued. “There is so much messaging that happens way before we ever get physical, so to feel safe with intimate partners, they have to be willing to show us they will uphold the boundaries we request for our mental, emotional and physical health.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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To understand biological sex, look at the brain, not the body

By Jennifer Finney Boylan

There they are, in their Chevrolet Colorado, five dudes bouncing up and down as the truck grinds through the rugged American high country. Two guys up front, three in the back. Shania Twain is blasting. The fellow in the middle is singing along. “Oh, I want to be free, yeah, to feel the way I feel. Man, I feel like a woman!”

The other guys look deeply worried. But the person in the back just keeps happily singing away, even as the dude next to him moves his leg away. Just to be on the safe side.

This commercial aired back in 2004, and even now it’s not clear to me if it’s offensive or empowering, hilarious or infuriating. Twain says she wrote “Man! I Feel Like a Woman” after working at a resort where some drag queens were performing. “That song started with the title,” she said. “Then it kind of wrote itself.”

It’s a fun tune, and I admit I kind of loved seeing that commercial. But at its heart is an issue central to our current political moment.

When someone says they feel like a woman, what exactly does that mean?

Across the country, conservatives are insisting that — and legislating as if — “feeling” like a woman, or a man, is irrelevant. What matters most, they say, is the immutable truth of biology. Missouri’s attorney general, Andrew Bailey, wants to restrict gender-affirming health care for all transgender people, including adults. A new dress code at the Texas Agriculture Department commands that employees wear clothing “in a manner consistent with their biological gender.” In Florida, a law signed by Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) keeps “biological males” from playing on the women’s sports teams in public schools.

This term, “biological males,” is everywhere now. And it’s not used only by right-wing politicians. People of good faith are also wrestling with the way trans people complicate a world they thought was binary. They’re uncertain about when, and how, sex matters, and just how biological it is. Some want to draw a bright line in areas where maleness and femaleness might matter most — in sports, or locker rooms, or prisons. Others are trying to blur lines that used to be clearer. At Wellesley College last month, for instance, a nonbinding student referendum called for the admission of trans men to a school that traditionally has been a women’s college. The president of the college, Paula Johnson, pushed back.

So what, then, is a biological male, or female? What determines this supposedly simple truth? It’s about chromosomes, right?

Well, not entirely. Because not every person with a Y chromosome is male, and not every person with a double X is female. The world is full of people with other combinations: XXY (or Klinefelter Syndrome), XXX (or Trisomy X), XXXY, and so on. There’s even something called Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome, a condition that keeps the brains of people with a Y from absorbing the information in that chromosome. Most of these people develop as female, and may not even know about their condition until puberty — or even later.

How can this be, if sex is only about a gene?

>Some people respond by saying that sex is about something else, then — ovaries, or testicles (two structures that begin their existence in the womb as the same thing).

What do we do then, with the millions of women who have had hysterectomies? Have they become men? What about women who’ve had mastectomies? Or men with gynecomastia, or enlarged breasts.

Are these people not who they think they are?

It may be that what’s in your pants is less important than what’s between your ears

In the past decade, there has been some fascinating research on the brains of transgender people. What is most remarkable about this work is not that trans women’s brains have been found to resemble those of cisgender women, or that trans men’s brains resemble those of cis men. What the research has found is that the brains of trans people are unique: neither female nor male, exactly, but something distinct.

But what does that mean, a male brain, or a female brain, or even a transgender one? It’s a fraught topic, because brains are a collection of characteristics, rather than a binary classification of either/or. There are researchers who would tell you that brains are not more gendered than, say, kidneys or lungs. Gina Rippon, in her 2019 book “The Gendered Brain,” warns against bunk science that declares brains to be male or female — it’s “neurosexism,” a fancy way of justifying the belief that women’s brains are inferior to men’s.

And yet scientists continue to study the brain in hopes of understanding whether a sense of the gendered self can, at least in part, be the result of neurology. A study described by author Francine Russo in Scientific American examined the brains of 39 prepubertal and 41 adolescent boys and girls with gender dysphoria. The experiment examined how these children responded to androstadienone, a pungent substance similar to pheromones, that is known to cause a different response in the brains of men and women. The study found that adolescent boys and girls who described themselves as trans responded like the peers of their perceived gender. (The results were less clear with prepubescent children.)

This kind of testing is important, said one of the researchers Russo quoted, “because sex differences in responding to odors cannot be influenced by training or environment.” A similar study was done in measuring the responses of trans boys and girls to echolike sounds produced in the inner ear. “Boys with gender dysphoria responded more like typical females, who have a stronger response to these sounds.”

What does it mean, to respond to the world in this way? For me, it has meant having a sense of myself as a woman, a sense that no matter how comfortable I was with the fact of being feminine, I was never at ease with not being female. When I was young, I tried to talk myself out of it, telling myself, in short, to “get over it

But I never got over it.

I compare it to a sense of homesickness for a place you’ve never been. The moment you stepped onto those supposedly unfamiliar shores, though, you’d have a sense of overwhelming gratitude, and solace, and joy. Home, you might think. I’m finally home.

The years to come will, perhaps, continue to shed light on the mysteries of the brain, and to what degree our sense of ourselves as gendered beings has its origins there. But there’s a problem with using neurology as an argument for trans acceptance — it suggests that, on some level, there is something wrong with transgender people, that we are who we are as a result of a sickness or a biological hiccup.

But trans people are not broken. And, in fact, trying to open people’s hearts by saying “Check out my brain!” can do more harm than good, because this line of argument delegitimizes the experiences of many trans folks. It suggests that there’s only one way to be trans — to feel trapped in the wrong body, to go through transition, and to wind up, when all is said and done, on the opposite-gender pole. It suggests that the quest trans people go on can only be considered successful if it ends with fitting into the very society that rejected us in the first place.

All the science tells us, in the end, is that a biological male — or female — is not any one thing, but a collection of possibilities.

No one who embarks upon a life as a trans person in this country is doing so out of caprice, or a whim, or a delusion. We are living these wondrous and perilous lives for one reason only — because our hearts demand it. Given the tremendous courage it takes to come out, given the fact that even now trans people can still lose everything — family, friends, jobs, even our lives — what we need now is not new legislation to make things harder. What we need now is understanding, not cruelty. What we need now is not hatred, but love.

When the person in that Chevy ad sings, Oh, I want to be free … to feel the way I feel. Man, I feel like a woman!, the important thing is not that they feel like a woman, or a man, or something else. What matters most is the plaintive desire, to be free to feel the way I feel.

Surely this is not a desire unique to trans people. Tell me: Is there anyone who has never struggled to live up to the hard truths of their own heart?

Man! I feel like a human.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Find Out What She Likes in Bed

— The Top 10 Questions to Ask

By Ivy Cosca>

Having sex is healthy. Most experts also agree that it’s beneficial to couples — it’s basic human nature! Plus, who doesn’t want to see their partners enjoy sex? It’s easy to navigate your way while getting it on in the bedroom. However, communicating with your partner to find out what she likes in bed is easier — just ask her!

If you’re not sure which questions to ask to find out what she likes in bed, we got you! Here are 10 ways to find out what she likes in bed (not necessarily in order):

Ask your partner these questions to find out what she likes in bed:

1. “How do you like to be kissed?

Sex or no sex, kissing is an intimate act — not only can it oftentimes be a wholesome act, but it’s also a great way to show your emotional and physical admiration for her. But what’s important to know is how she even wants to be kissed in the first place.

Asking her how she likes to be kissed may not sound that important, but you can find out what she likes in bed by getting to the details of how she likes kissing and being kissed — how much tongue does she like? Does she enjoy her lower lip lightly bitten or sucked? What’s her preferred pace?https://www.laweekly.com/how-to-find-out-what-she-likes-in-bed/

Moreover, even though kissing is commonly done, some women don’t like being kissed at all! If she’s one of those people, respect her preference — it’s probably not because of you. But if it is you, then this question is even more relevant to ask — because you’ll find out how you can improve your kissing game.

2. “Do you like to give oral sex?”

To some women, going down on their partner can be intimidating — because not a lot of them are confident with their fellatio skills. If this is the case, you can reassure her or teach her how you prefer receiving oral sex. But if she’s just not into it, that’s her decision to make.

But if she does like giving oral sex, then, well…it’s a win-win for you two!

3. “Do you like being on the receiving end of oral sex?”

Again, oral sex — some women like giving it, some women like receiving one, and some just don’t! One reason a woman doesn’t like receiving oral sex is because they’re insecure about the “odor” that they think they have down there. If this is her reason for having an aversion to cunnilingus, let her know that the vagina isn’t meant to smell like roses — and there will be a certain scent that shouldn’t be considered “foul!” Unless, of course, she has an infection — if so, that should be treated right away!

Another reason for a woman not wanting to be on the receiving end of oral sex is it simply just doesn’t do anything for them — some might even feel that their clitoris can get “overstimulated.” On the other hand, if she doesn’t mind cunnilingus, then, there’s another act that can amp up your sex life!

4. “What makes you orgasm?”

Women climax to different triggers. Some like their nipples played with, some prefer clitoris massages, others need g-spot or cervix stimulation — other women also get off to anal sex. Regardless of which one it is, it’s important to find out what makes her orgasm. Isn’t that the ultimate goal anyway?

5. “How do you feel about having sex in public places?”

If you and your partner agree that public sex is a “yay,” and you guys plan on doing it, find out first the laws in which the sex act will be committed. Public sex is common and it’s typically done in planes (aka the mile-high club), cars, parks, and so on. It’s generally harmless when no one catches you in the act, but, in California, public sexual activity is an offense.

The California penal code 647(a) states that it’s a crime to “engage in or to solicit anyone to engage in lewd or dissolute conduct in any public place or in any place open to the public or exposed to public view,” Therefore, when engaging in public sex, you and your partner should be very careful. It’s also best that you’re aware of the possible repercussions if you get caught!

6. “Are you into threesomes or group sex?”

Group sex is a common sexual fantasy — and lots of folks also engage in one. If you or your partner is into threesomes or group sex, discuss first who and how you’ll get other people to join the ”party!” What will the situation be like? — MFM? MMF? FFM? FMF? Are you and your partner exclusive? Will it remain that way afterward? These are the few questions that you and your partner should discuss.

But if you’re not into threesomes, group sex, swinging, or polyamory, in general, you don’t have to engage in one! She also has to respect your decision, if so — and so should you with her decision, if she’s the one who refuses to participate in those aforementioned non-monogamous sex acts.

7. “Do you like using sex toys?”

Adult toys have made their way into countless women’s nightstands. But if your partner doesn’t own one, doesn’t plan on owning one, and she’s not open to being stimulated by one, then you can stick to — uhh — sticking your own junk inside instead.

On the other hand, if she does like sex toys, then sex can become even more exciting — because you’ll have a device (or two, or more!) to help you make her achieve an orgasm!

8. “What’s your favorite position?”

Sometimes, we have to go back to basics: a simple switch in position is enough to make a woman orgasm! You just have to find out what she likes in bed by asking what her favorite position is! Whether it’s eye contact from an intimate missionary position, or she likes to receive it from behind — for maximum cervix stimulation — there are creative ways to make her climax.

9. “Are you into sexting?”

Turning her on doesn’t always have to involve physical contact. Sometimes, sexting is enough to make her want you in the bedroom ASAP! But find out first if she’s into that. Furthermore, ask her how she feels about dick pics, sending her nudes, or if she also wants to send you some.

10. “Do you have preferred erotic acts, kinks, fetishes, or sexual fantasies?”

In essence, penetrative sex is the act of repeatedly thrusting the penis inside a woman’s orifice — be it the vagina or the anus. But most people don’t settle with just that! That’s why it’s practically normal to have sexual preferences, fantasies, kinks, and fetishes — even if it’s simple hair-pulling or spanking. Additionally, some are into, say, shower sex or dirty talk.

Some women also like being tied up or blindfolded — and other women prefer doing these to their partner instead. Regardless of what it is, she probably has one erotic act that she enjoys doing — or be done to her. Just like you!

Speaking of kinks…

However, some kinks, fantasies, or fetishes have to be thoroughly thought of before you and your partner perform them — some of them may be commonly done, and they sure as heck wouldn’t be common if they weren’t enjoyable to many, but there are possible dangers to some sex acts.

Here are common sex acts and kinks you can ask to find out what she likes in bed, and the potential consequences:

Age gap kink

Age gap kink, DDLG (Daddy Dom, Little Girl), or as the internet calls it: the daddy kink! Some women like to role-play that they’re being dominated by someone older than them — or someone who will simply just dominate them. But it also depends on her fantasies about how big the “age gap” will be and how sexually aggressive their “Daddy” will be. In some instances, it’s she who wants to role-play as the older person — or be called “Mommy” in some situations.

However, make sure that the age gap kink remains a kink or act of role-play — under no circumstances should either party involve an actual minor! According to Searah Deysach, a sex educator based in Chicago, in her interview with Insider (regarding the age gap kink), “It’s important to note that an age gap kink involves consenting adults (not children) pretending to be younger than they really are,”

Role-playing as a minor (whether it’s her or if she asks that it be you) isn’t necessarily a “red flag,” but the actual involvement of a minor is a serious, serious crime that can inevitably land you both in jail!

Foot fetish

Foot fetish involves performing sexual acts using the feet. But sometimes, the feet are the “main event.” Some women like her feet adored, and some like her feet tickled, licked, or stimulated. Now, a foot fetish is far from dangerous. If she has this fetish, and you’re willing to give it a go, just make sure that you guys are licking each other’s clean feet! It harbors tons of bacteria!

Choking

Choking, erotic asphyxiation, or breath play seems to be another trending topic or widely-discussed kink on the internet. It involves cutting off the oxygen supply to the brain — which enhances sexual excitement. This can be a safe sexual act if you know how to properly perform it. If she’s into choking, and you’re willing to perform it on her, do your research first on how to properly sexually choke someone!

The United States National Library of Medicine published a journal and they estimate that 200 to 1,000 people die from erotic asphyxiation every year. Therefore, we cannot stress it enough: do your research first!

BDSM

You can say that BDSM is one of the few all-time favorite kinks! That’s why if she’s into BDSM, or Bondage, Discipline (or Domination), Sadism, Masochism, you shouldn’t be too surprised! Lots of sexual acts fall under the BDSM category. Therefore, there isn’t a single act to define what it is — or what she would want you guys to do.

However, again, BDSM is supposed to involve non-dangerous or non-permanent ways of inflicting mild to moderate pain or discomfort for erotic purposes. Thus, one should be very careful when performing BDSM with your partner. Have a safe word!

All in All,

The best way to find out what she likes in bed ultimately boils down to one thing: communication. Whether she’s your wife, girlfriend, or FWB, it’s important to find out what she likes in bed — so you guys can make the most out of your experience and both of you achieve la petite mort! Because neither of you deserves an uncomfortable one — and definitely not a risky one!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual Assault

— How to Help Your Loved One

Each year, millions of men and women in the United States are affected by sexual violence. It is distressing to find out that someone you love has been a victim of sexual assault, but there are steps you can take to offer support.

By Natalie Evenson, MSN, BSN, RN, SANE-A

  • After a sexual assault, it may be easy to lose focus on what is most important; your primary focus should be on your loved one’s physical and emotional needs.
  • During this crisis, your loved one needs your unconditional support and care.
  • Following a sexual assault, victims face making difficult decisions; respecting your loved one’s decisions without question is essential.

How to respond

It is hard to know how to react after finding out a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault. It takes courage for someone to disclose what happened, and you may be at a loss for how to respond.

Each individual reacts and copes with traumatic events differently. Your loved one may be tearful, angry, withdrawn, or even laughing and joking. These are all normal responses to trauma; the best thing to do is be a supportive presence.

Personal and physical safety and well-being are of utmost importance. You can help create a safety plan to avoid contact with the person who assaulted your loved one. You should contact law enforcement if your loved one is receiving threats or is in imminent danger.

If your loved one wishes to seek medical attention, many hospitals have sexual assault nurse examiners available. These nurses can offer a sexual assault examination and collect forensic evidence several days after a sexual assault.

Ways you can offer support

It may be challenging to know how to comfort a loved one who has been a victim of sexual assault. The most important thing is to express your care and concern. Offering support can be done in a variety of ways.

  • Ask your loved one what you can do to help. Let your loved one express what you can do to help them feel comfortable and safe. It may be as simple as gathering their favorite comfort items, like their favorite fuzzy blanket and slippers.
  • Validate your loved one’s feelings. They may be overwhelmed by a wide range of confusing emotions. Listen and empathize with their feelings, fears, and concerns.
  • Ask for permission before giving physical touch. Your loved one has lost power and control over their own body. Letting your loved one tell you how they would like to be comforted puts them in control. You might be more valuable by providing kind words than physical affection.
  • Respect your loved one’s choices. It is up to your loved one to decide the next steps following a sexual assault. They must determine if they want to talk to law enforcement or seek medical attention. Whether or not you agree with the decisions your loved one has made, it is essential to respect their choices unconditionally.

Things you should avoid

Everyone copes with crises and trauma differently. There is no right way to react when hearing that someone you love has been a victim of sexual assault. Your loved one may have feelings of guilt or self-blame.

It takes great courage for someone to disclose they have been a victim of sexual assault. You must reassure your loved one that they are not at fault and that you support and believe them. You may have many questions about the incident, but you should let your loved one disclose the information if and when they feel ready.

You may be angry and have thoughts and opinions about the situation; however, you should put your feelings aside and focus on supporting your loved one.

How to support your loved one moving forward

Following a sexual assault, it is common to feel numb or anxious. Your loved one may experience difficulty sleeping or eating or experience flashbacks and panic attacks. Encouraging soothing and relaxing self-care exercises like breath work or meditation may be helpful.

Your loved one may benefit from seeing a therapist or counselor to help them cope and begin to heal from their trauma. Be aware of warning signs that your loved one may be having thoughts of self-harm. You can refer your loved one to mental health crisis resources as needed.

Hearing about someone else’s traumatic events can affect your mental health. You may have difficulty processing what happened to your loved one. Be kind to yourself and seek mental health resources for yourself if needed.

In this digital age, venting or sharing information online may be tempting. Remember to respect your loved one’s confidentiality. They may be ready to disclose to you, but you must respect their privacy.

There are many resources for survivors of sexual assault. If your loved one is interested, referring them to an advocacy or support group may be helpful.

When a loved one has been a victim of sexual assault, there are many things you can do to help them. Recovering after a sexual assault is a long-term process; your loved one needs empathy and unconditional support. The most important thing is to follow their cues and let your loved one tell you how you can help them through the process.

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