Why Queer Animal Sex Matters

— False ideas about what’s “natural” have driven bigotry for too long

Queer Ducks book illustrations by Jules Zuckerberg

By Eliot Schrefer

As far as LGBTQIA people are concerned, what is old is new again. Recent pushes to restrict classroom representation of sexuality and gender identity, to intimidate libraries out of queer-friendly programming, and to legislate away the right to choose gender reassignment might appear new on the surface, but they reflect anxieties that have been part of Western culture for centuries, and that have everything to do with what we consider natural.

The last time sexual anxieties in the USA ran this high was in the 1990s. Back then, the AIDS crisis was in full swing, the military instituted its controversial “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, and a “gay gene” was falsely reported as having been discovered in fruit flies. In that decade RuPaul’s gorgeously Amazonian presence made a lot of heterosexual men wonder about their sexuality, and Ellen DeGeneres came out, only to see her sitcom promptly canceled. Amid all this, under the guise of “protecting family values,” in 1991 the US government shelved an $18 million survey on teen sexual health, and another study of adult sexual diversity.

It amounted to a moratorium on all government-funded research into sexual identities and desire, with one notable exception. The governmental agency that was permitted to continue its research on homosexuality was … the Department of Agriculture. They’d been looking into what was known among farmers as the “dud stud” phenomenon: 8.5 percent of rams would choose only other males as sexual partners, time and again. He might be healthy and virile and have plenty of sperm to spare, but without any desire for females a “dud stud” wouldn’t sire lambs, and the farmer would be out of their investment (from $350 for a cheapie to $4,000 for a prize stud).

Queer Ducks illo

Bovid homosexual desire has long been familiar to ranchers, who watch out for females mounting other females as a simple way to determine when they’re in heat, and use steers to arouse bulls before artificially extracting their semen. Valerius Geist, a prominent mammologist, realized in the 1960s that wild bighorn sheep live in “essentially a homosexual society,” the males and females coming together only during the relatively brief rutting season. That means spending the rest of their lives in sex-segregated herds, where they engage in homosexual sex—not just quick mounting but full-on intercourse. He didn’t publish the research at the time, noting later that it was too difficult to “conceive of those magnificent beasts as queers.”

Geist probably assumed he was encountering an anomaly, but homosexual behavior in animals had been befuddling observers for centuries. Some ancient Greek thinkers believed hyenas had a special orifice for homosexual encounters, and in the 7th century, theologian Isidore of Seville was troubled by the homosexual activities of partridges, “for male mounts male and blind desire forgets gender.”

Reports of such homosexual behavior didn’t stop Thomas Aquinas from arguing, in the 13th century, that homosexuality was unnatural precisely because it did not occur in animals. His rhetoric about the “unnaturalness” of homosexuality, historian John Boswell notes, was politically useful and aligned with another moment of sexual anxiety: a surge in anti-gay legislation throughout Europe between 1250 and 1300, in which the death penalty for sodomy was introduced in country after country.

The assumption that homosexuality doesn’t exist in nature has led to very real consequences, such as the Bowers v. Hardwick Supreme Court case of 1986, which upheld the conviction of two men for sodomy, whose sentencing had cited the “unnaturalness” of their behavior. (The last sodomy law in the US was struck down only in 2003, and it remains a criminal, and sometimes capital, offense in parts of the world.)

During the last gay panic in the 1990s—and certainly back in the 13th century—we lacked today’s mainstream scientific acknowledgment of animals’ same-sex encounters. It’s been an important three decades for zoology. As a recent study in Nature Ecology & Evolution pointed out, the number of animal species with substantiated same-sex sexual behavior is 1,500 and counting.

For our near relative the bonobo, female-female genital rubbing is the most frequent sex act, one that takes place amid a matriarchy of sexually connected mothers. Shorebirds like albatross, gulls, and terns have same-sex parents in up to a third of nests; male bottlenose dolphins bond for life, cementing their union through frequent, and acrobatic, sex. Overturning long-standing assumptions that homosexual behavior was an evolutionary dead end, a growing scientific openness to animal bisexuality has resulted in compelling new theories. Foremost among these is the idea that oxytocin-producing sex is a powerful tool for reconciliation and alliance formation, whether that sex is hetero- or homosexual.

During my closeted teenage years in the 1990s, I would covertly look up “homosexuality” in encyclopedias, only to discover that it was a psychological failure of humans with bad parental attachments, without analog in nature. That echoed the rhetoric of otherwise kindly adults around me, who were grateful the “gay plague” of AIDS was getting rid of a social problem. I made it to the other side of my shame by coming to accept and even love my “unnaturalness.” It was only years later that I discovered the diversity that had been in nature all along. In writing my most recent book, Queer Ducks (and Other Animals): The Natural World of Animal Sexuality, I chose to make it accessible to teen readers, for whom internalized messaging about “unnaturalness” can be a life or death concern. (A survey last year by The Trevor Project found that 45 percent of LGBTQIA teens have seriously considered suicide.)

 I made it to the other side of my shame by coming to accept and even love my “unnaturalness.” It was only years later that I discovered the diversity that had been in nature all along.

I had these concerns on my mind when I spoke to a young wildlife ecologist, Logan Weyand, who, while working with various bovid species, has observed plenty of same-sex mounting, intersex animals, and individuals that eschew sex altogether. Though Weyand was assigned female at birth, he never felt comfortable in his body and transitioned to male during his freshman year of college. He’s still on a journey around his gender identity, selectively closeting himself, especially at his research site in Idaho, where passing can be a safety concern.

Book cover

Amid the need to navigate others’ judgments about LGBTQIA identities, Weyand finds himself longing for the times when he spends weeks away from civilization, “with the animals totally by myself, and not being judged. When I’m watching animals, I can go sunrise to sunset and not take my face away from the scope for hours.” Out there in the field, mud up to his ankles, Weyand worries only about getting good data. The sheep and moose he studies don’t care one bit about his sexual identity.

It’s a recurrent theme for many of the LGBTQIA scientists I’ve spoken to for my research. In a world where queer humans are often asked to identify or explain themselves, the radical acceptance of nature is a relief. In the animal world, everything just is.

Complete Article HERE!

‘Ghosting,’ ‘Orbiting,’ ‘Rizz’

— A Guide to Modern Dating Terms

The way we talk about relationships has drastically changed in recent years. Here is a glossary of some of the most popular words and phrases you should know.

By

Picture this: You’re currently single and “cobwebbing” in the aftermath of your previous failed relationship. The attractive person you thought had “rizz” is starting to exhibit “beige flags,” so you turn to your ongoing “situationship” for attention, but deep down you hope to meet someone worth “soft-launching” on Instagram. Can you relate?

To describe yourself as single and in search of a relationship is almost too simple of a label in 2023. The way we seek romantic connections, especially with the influence of social media and dating apps, has naturally altered our behaviors and language around dating.

The fact that more people are meeting online creates an “abundance of options,” said Natalie Jones, a California-based psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and narcissism. This can make it difficult to develop a genuine connection, or can lead to toxic dating habits.

“I think that’s where these terms are coming from because now people have an abundance of people to choose from, and so different sorts of behaviors are being highlighted,” Dr. Jones said. “When you have so many people to choose from, you can ghost, you cannot call, you can hide who you truly are through online dating.”

Although there are dozens of new dating terms being used today, we spoke to Dr. Jones and Shan Boodram, a sex and relationship expert with the dating app Bumble, to help us narrow down the top dating terms that you’ll need to know.

A picture of a slice of bread and bread crumbs.

Breadcrumbing

When someone consistently checks in with a romantic prospect, dangles the possibility of a date and keeps them interested, but never follows through with what they really want: a relationship.

This act of self-love refers to purging any mementos from previous relationships (old sweaters, text threads or photos) in an effort to move on. Holding on to old phone numbers and pictures, Ms. Boodram said, “keeps someone from being fully present and invested in their dating journey.”

Cuffing

Derived from the word “handcuffed,” it’s the act of getting tied down to one partner, usually during the colder months of the year (also known as cuffing season). To be cuffed can also refer to someone in a serious relationship outside of cuffing season.

Cyberflashing

The act of sending unwanted sexual images to another person through digital means, such as on a dating app or social media platform, but also via text or another file-sharing service, like Airdrop.

Although there’s no federal law prohibiting cyberflashing, states including California and Texas introduced laws last year that give victims the opportunity to have legal recourse if they receive unwanted sexual images online. Other states are writing legislation to handle this issue.

A picture of a glass jar holding chocolate chip cookies.

Cookie-jarring

When a person seeks a relationship with someone else as a backup plan. In the same way that people might reach for a cookie when they want an instant treat, someone who is cookie-jarring pursues their backup person when the one they actually want isn’t available or has rejected them.

The Three Flags: Green, Red, Beige

Green flags are positive, compatible traits that a person possesses. Red flags are negative, potentially harmful traits. A person displaying beige flags is not necessarily good or bad. They are just dull, boring and lack effort in dating. “What we perceive as flags can vary from person to person,” Ms. Boodram said, “and though there are flags in real life, they can also be displayed via dating apps, too.”

Gaslighting

To manipulate someone into making them doubt their powers of reasoning, perceptions, memories or understanding of an event that happened. Common methods include blatant lying, denial and trivializing their feelings, which can result in an unhealthy power dynamic shift in a relationship.

Ghosting

The act of disappearing without warning or cutting off all contact with someone you’re dating, someone you’re in a relationship with or even someone you’ve simply matched with online. “Ghosting is very dehumanizing and a lot of people don’t understand that,” said Dr. Jones, who added that it can lead people to question their self-worth and value as a human being. “A lot of times it kicks up abandonment triggers.”

Love Bombing

Lavishing a new romantic partner with grand gestures and constant contact, while also keeping them isolated from friends and family in order to gain control in the relationship. Not all grand gestures of affection are red flags, which can make love bombing hard to spot.
< A picture of red, blue and orange orbits against a black background.

Orbiting

When someone has cut off communication with a person, or they have made it clear that they are not interested in pursuing a relationship, yet they continue to interact with that person on social media, usually through views and likes.

This also applies to the practice of observing potential love interests on social media, without initiating contact. Dr. Jones said that a lot of people — often women in heteronormative relationships — can mistakenly interpret this as someone being intentional about their interest, when it might not be.

“They can just be going through social media, sitting on the toilet and liking posts,” she said. “It can mean absolutely nothing and a lot of times it does.”

Rizz

This newer concept is short for “charisma” and is commonly used among members of Gen Z. It’s very popular on TikTok, Ms. Boodram said, and refers to someone’s ability to flirt with and attract a potential love interest. This can be having an engaging personality or having an unspoken allure that others cannot resist. Kai Cenat, a Twitch streamer and influencer, who coined the term, clarified that rizz originally referred to the ability to attract someone who wasn’t initially into you.

Situationship

A romantic or sexual relationship in which both parties do not communicate clearly to define their status. Unlike those who are “friends with benefits,” neither party in a situationship is certain of what the other is to them. This can be confusing and lack the consistency and support that comes with a defined relationship.

Soft-Launching

Posting a discreet photo or video of your new partner on Instagram or other social media to announce your relationship while still hiding their identity. The idea is that you don’t want to post about them on your account too soon in case it doesn’t work out. One example: sharing photos of only your partner’s hands clasped in yours. “You’re slowly trying to introduce the idea that you all can be a thing,” Dr. Jones said.

“Social media is involved in everything,” she said. “It’s like the third wheel of the relationship now.”

Complete Article HERE!

I’m a dominatrix who loves to take control in the bedroom.

— BDSM helped me heal my sexual trauma and made me more confident.

Elizabeth Ayoola is a domme.

By Elizabeth Ayoola

  • After years of vanilla sex, I decided to explore BDSM and become a dominatrix.
  • BDSM helped me take back control in the bedroom and reinforce consent.
  • Being a domme helped me heal my sexual trauma and became an act of self-care.

Post-divorce, I wanted to hit the reset button on everything, including my sex life. At 31, I realized I hadn’t yet experienced the type of sex worthy of being included in the pages of my future memoir.

After much introspection, I discovered that sexual shame and misogyny were in the way of my tapping into my sexual prowess. Foresight didn’t tell me that using whips, wax, and ropes and becoming a domme would kick-start my journey to sexual liberation and healing.

My life before BDSM was anything but kinky

When I reflect on my 20s, I have flashbacks to lots of passive sex. I was a missionary princess, and once in a blue moon I’d drive the boat. Many times I wasn’t an active participant. I did just enough to satisfy my partner but wasn’t confident enough to ask for what I needed or to surrender to my sexual urges.

I realized two things contributed to this. One was my internalized misogyny and beliefs about how women should present themselves sexually. The second was my sexual trauma.

Most of my sexual partners were misogynistic men who saw any sign of sexual liberation as promiscuity. As a 20-something, I so desperately wanted to be “wifey” material, so the fear of being judged kept me from coloring outside the lines. Growing up staunchly Christian and in a household that wasn’t sex-positive cemented my beliefs that sex had to be done in conventional ways and that sexual pleasure primarily belonged to men.

Additionally, having been sexually abused and having traumatic sexual experiences made me feel sexual shame and made it difficult to advocate for myself during sex.

Curiosity and a desire for healing led me to explore BDSM

During my quest to rebuild my life and reinvent myself, I became more curious about exploring what was holding me back sexually. That curiosity and perhaps fate made me type “sexual trauma and BDSM” into Google. Lo and behold, a study popped up that identified a nexus between the two. An article in the journal Sexual and Relationship Therapy suggested that people who experienced sexual and childhood abuse could use kink to help them heal and cope. Though I’d once thought BDSM was only for sadists, the study opened me up to the idea.

A few months later, an opportunity arose for me to enter the world of BDSM. It all started when a mystery man with no picture on a dating app messaged me, writing, “You look like a goddess.” My mind traveled back to the study I’d read a few months earlier and to my desire to explore BDSM. This seemed like a divine opportunity to act on my curiosity.

I had a hunch that being a domme could help me be more confident, assertive, and comfortable when asking for what I needed. So I decided that he was right and that I would become a goddess.

Becoming a domme helped me heal my sexual trauma and reclaim my power

The transition from having submissive vanilla sex to becoming a dominant goddess who was in charge in the bedroom was fascinating. Being a domme is about psychologically and/or physically dominating your partner during BDSM activities. Also known as a dominatrix, a domme like to be in charge — that’s when I feel most powerful. It’s also important to note that a domme can dominate both inside and outside the bedroom.

For the first time in my life, I felt powerful. I had the right to say yes to what I wanted and no to what didn’t feel safe and pleasurable.

“In BDSM, it’s an exchange of power play that involves trust between the person who’s considered to be the submissive and the person who’s considered to be the dominant partner,” Shamyra Howard, a sexologist who specializes in BDSM and nontraditional relationships, told Insider. “During this exchange of trust and power play, something powerful happens with a person who has been sexually abused in that they feel in control.”

The consent element — a key component of BDSM — was healing for me, too. My partner’s giving me consent to dominate him and my having him ask for consent to engage with me made me feel safe. I felt safe enough to be present sexually and finally felt like my body belonged to me.

Something about controlling my partner’s orgasms, having my pleasure prioritized, telling my partner what to wear, and being called a goddess was healing and transformative. A few months in, I watched myself go from a performative domme fumbling around with a whip to a natural, confident domme.

Being a domme has made me more confident and assertive in all areas of my life

Participating in BDSM and becoming a domme has been instrumental in teaching me how to say no and be more assertive.

For instance, I had to get better at telling my partner to kiss my feet and telling him how versus asking him. This practice has made it progressively easier for me to be direct and ask for what I need at work and in other relationships in my life.

Setting boundaries is another thing I’ve gotten better at since becoming a domme. I’ve always been afraid to say “no,” “stop,” or “I don’t like that.” But before engaging in any type of BDSM, it’s important to discuss boundaries on both sides and reinforce them during a session when necessary.

Howard says BDSM, where the rules center on boundaries, can help people who struggle with boundaries outside the bedroom see that they’re “necessary to ensure their safety in other areas of life.”

My journey to BDSM has been exciting, awkward, fulfilling, and full of learning curves. I’ve been able to create a safe space for myself sexually within the confines of direct orders, self-orchestrated sex scenes, and hard nos.

For the first time in my life, I can enjoy pleasure on my terms, free of self-judgment and shame. I can confidently say that giving myself permission to explore BDSM and accept my true, dominant self has been one of the highest and most liberating forms of self-love.

Complete Article HERE!

Why can’t I have an orgasm?

— Sexperts share advice on achieving bedroom bliss

If you’ve been worrying, “Why can’t I have an orgasm?” no need to panic—the pros are here to help

By

“Why can’t I have an orgasm?”

There’s no need to chuck your sex toys in the trash or skip out on a sofa sex adventure. Whether you’re experiencing something psychological or emotional that could be standing in the way of your sexual satisfaction, the pros are here to help you get back on track and revel in a satisfying O.

And, above all, it’s important to remember that the phenomenon isn’t a “make it or break it” deal.

“An orgasm isn’t the be-all and end-all of sex, nor does it define a sexual encounter,” Annabelle Knight, a sex and relationship at Lovehoney (opens in new tab) previously told My Imperfect Life.

That being said, it is still in pretty high demand, so allow the professionals to help walk you through any potential hiccups you might be experiencing.

There isn’t necessarily a clear-cut answer. While medical factors might inhibit some women from achieving orgasm, emotional hurdles might prevent others from having a satisfying experience. Regardless, the first step towards taking back the pleasure is identifying the problem.

“Many people may have anxiety that can interfere with the ability to relax and enjoy the present moment. This can lead to difficulty becoming aroused, achieving orgasm, and performance anxiety,” says sex and relationship expert Melissa Stone.

Though it may seem like everyday stressors wouldn’t be an issue in bed, that anxiety can carry over into your sex life, so it’s crucial to take an extra few steps towards calming your nerves.

“It is important to practice self-care and find healthy ways to manage stress and anxiety such as deep breathing and mindfulness meditation,” Stone says. “Additionally, talking to a therapist can help to explore deeper issues and find ways to cope with and manage them.”

When it comes to physical causes, everybody is different—quite literally. Hormone imbalances, medications and conditions like endometriosis could be contributors to your orgasm’s elusiveness. Another factor we oftentimes overlook is vaginal dryness, so perhaps it’s time to play around with different types of lube. Whatever the case might be, should you believe that the issue is pressing, make an appointment with your doctor. (And have a look at what gynecologists want you to know about your reproductive health.)

Melissa Stone is a sex and relationship expert at Joy Love Dolls, the “world’s leading authority on sexual exploration, adult toys and realistic dolls.

How to get back on track with your big O:

Before going into panic mode, there are methods to consider if you’re looking for that memorable final moment. Pippa Murphy, the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, and Stone, break down different remedies to consider.

1. Talk about sex

If you cannot orgasm with a partner, you have to be frank. Talking about sex is the key to making it better and analyzing what works and what might need some fine-tuning.

“Couples that communicate openly and honestly are more likely to maintain a stronger emotional connection, which naturally leads to better sex,” Murphy says.

Should you feel a little bit stressed about sex, you’ll be more relieved once you have an open dialogue.

2. Try using lube

There’s a lot of misconception about lube—don’t think that it can’t help you.

“Whilst many people believe that lube is strictly for those who suffer from dryness during sex, that certainly isn’t the case and can bring a lot of benefits to the bedroom,” Murphy says. “For example, it can enhance pleasure by creating different sensations like a warming or cooling effect wherever it’s applied. Plus, previous studies have shown that lube makes it 50% easier for everyone to orgasm. Need I say more?”

Have more Qs about lube? Don’t worry—we asked them so you don’t have to!

3. Experiment during solo sex

One-on-one time gives you the freedom to do as you please without the fear of judgment from a partner. Solo sex is necessary for you to find out what you like and what you could do without. Plus, the experts say masturbation is the key to women’s most intense orgasms.

4. Switch up positions

Should your go-to move not really feel satisfying, try switching things up. And don’t forget about erogenous zones—Murphy says a little extra attention in these spots will go a long way. (Plenty of sexperts make the case for nipple orgasms.)

5. Try foreplay

“Your brain is wired to experience more pleasure when the anticipation of a reward goes on for a long period, making foreplay even more key to an orgasm,” Murphy says. “So, if you feel that your partner rushes it, take control of the situation and ask them to slow down.”

We’ve rounded up fun foreplay ideas to get the ball rolling.

6. Don’t underestimate kissing

A simple smooch goes a long way. And science says kissing during sex increases the chance for orgasm.

“A study found that couples who kiss for at least six seconds had the most successful relationships. This is because the kiss gives you enough time to get out of your brain and, instead, be in the moment,” Murphy says. “Chances are you may get more sexually stimulated as time goes on, increasing your chances of orgasming.”

7. Stay present

Though at times it’s easier said than done, remember the importance of staying in the moment. Don’t let your thoughts drift.

“Relax and try to enjoy sex. If what goes through your mind during sex isn’t exactly sexy (e.g., “What am I doing wrong?”), it’s easy to lose sight of what matters most — enjoying yourself in the moment,” Murphy says. “So instead of focusing on how things should be or what’s going wrong, try thinking about what feels good and what makes you happy.”

While you’re at it, be sure to have a gander at the best sex tips ever and the 2023 sex trends dominating the bedroom. And again, should the orgasm issue persist, don’t be afraid to seek professional advice from a doctor.

Complete Article HERE!

It’s Tough to Talk to Your Partner About Sex.

— Here’s How to Start.

First, simply acknowledge that you have it, says sex therapist Vanessa Marin. Then move on to some compliments.

By Catherine Pearson

Vanessa Marin has dedicated her career to discussing the most private details of other people’s sex lives. But, for a long time, she found it hard to talk about her own.

In a new book, “Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life,” the sex therapist, 38, admits that she faked orgasms for 10 years because she couldn’t bring herself to tell partners what she liked. Things improved when she met her husband, Xander Marin, now 37, but once the initial excitement wore off, the pair found themselves in front of an expensive couples counselor, struggling to articulate why their sex life sometimes felt disappointing.

Today, the Marins have parlayed their radical honesty and relatability into a business centered around sexual education, with a popular podcast, a suite of online courses and more than 300,000 followers on Instagram. Ms. Marin paints herself as someone who has often felt awkward and unsure in the bedroom, despite her professional credentials. Mr. Marin, who is not a therapist, says he offers a nonexpert perspective on what it takes to get more comfortable talking about sex.

“So many of us feel alone when we’re struggling with sex,” Ms. Marin explained. “Like, I must be broken; I must be the only person going through this; everyone else has a great sex life. So it feels important to me to lead with vulnerability.”

The book, which the Marins co-wrote, is based on a simple — and, they acknowledge, well-trodden — conceit: Many sex problems stem from poor communication. Yet people seldom get specific and structured advice about how to have those conversations, the Marins believe. The book’s five sex talks are centered around acknowledgment (“sex is a thing, and we have it”), connection, desire, pleasure and exploration.

“I’ve never had a relationship in which I talked about sex as openly, honestly or frequently as I now do with Xander. I’ve also never had a relationship in which the sex was as deeply intimate and wildly satisfying as it is now,” Ms. Marin writes. “I don’t think those two things are coincidences.”

Here’s what Ms. Marin had to say about why it can feel so daunting to talk about sex with our partners and about how to get started.

Questions and answers have been edited and condensed for clarity.

You write that most of us don’t talk about sex often, if at all, with the person who regularly sees us naked. How do you suggest people start those conversations?

A big mistake people make is either they never talk about sex, or the only time they do acknowledge it is when there is a problem, so you sit down to have one of those “we need to talk” conversations. What we tell people is to incorporate talking about sex into their lives on a more regular basis. We recommend you start with giving compliments.

Try giving a compliment about your partner’s physical attractiveness, or the attraction that you feel for them throughout the day. It could be something really tame like: “You look nice today” or “Your eyes are really beautiful.” You can also offer some sort of compliment about the connection you feel. If you’re giving them a hug hello or goodbye, you say, “It feels so good to be in your arms.”

Compliments are an easy way to start talking about sex more openly. There are no goals to those conversations. You’re not trying to accomplish anything. You’re not making any requests or raising any complaints. There’s a little flirtation in it.

You do write a lot about the importance of flirting and trying to create a sense of anticipation around sex. Why is that so important, and what if that kind of flirtation just isn’t part of a couple’s relationship anymore?

Many of us have this expectation that we should feel desire spontaneously out of nowhere, in the exact same moment our partner does. But that’s just not how it works in real life. We write about an idea called the “sex drive simmer,” which is about finding ways to maintain some of the sense of tension and anticipation that you may have had early on in your relationship throughout the day.

One thing a couple can do is exchange flirty text messages, and that doesn’t mean that you’re constantly texting back and forth. It could be something simple like, “Looking forward to seeing you later.” Another thing that we love telling couples to do is to make a playlist of songs that get them in the mood. Just playing that in the background can also be a great way to keep that tension alive.

Part of the book focuses on building a foundation of sexual self-awareness, so people get to know what they enjoy and can eventually share that with a partner. What’s a good first step?

I think anyone can think about the question: What does good sex mean to me? Try to be as detailed as you can about it and to come up with as many answers as you can.

You can kind of trace the arc of a sexual experience so: What is it that you like to feel leading up to sex? (Like, I like it when we’ve had some quality time together already that day.) It can get into how you like sex to be initiated. It could get into what kind of environment you like sex to happen in, and what energy you like to feel during sex. Is it passionate? Is it intimate? Is it safe? Silly? What do you like after?

It’s very easy for us to focus on the problems with our sex life and our frustrations with it and not flip that around to ask: Well, what is it that I actually want?

You write a lot about awkwardness. For instance, you tell people who worry if it will feel strange to start having sex again after a dry spell that it probably will. And you write that awkwardness is the price of admission for good sex. Why?

When you see sex portrayed on TV or in the movies, everything flows, everything looks beautiful and perfect. But sex is a very awkward thing. Maybe you try a new position and it doesn’t feel very good, or you can’t figure it out. We really love just turning that on its head and saying it’s not something to be afraid of or embarrassed about, it’s something to embrace. If you anticipate awkwardness, that brings that pressure way down.

There’s no way to grow up without some amount of sexual shame. We all have embarrassment that comes up around sex. We have areas of our sex life that we don’t want to talk about. We’re all in the same boat together in that sense. But it can make such a big difference in your life individually, and in your relationship, if you can tackle that head on.

Complete Article HERE!

5 Signs You May Need Marriage Counseling

— Relationship guidance from a professional can help with communication, intimacy and trust

You and your spouse used to vibe like peanut butter and jelly. But now, you seem to come together like oil and water. You may have different expectations and ideas when it comes to your marriage, parenting styles and finances.

So, is it time to send for reinforcements — in the form of marriage counseling?

Admitting you need help can be both scary and humbling. But it can also lead you to a happy ending: a healthy relationship built on open communication.

Clinical psychologist Adam Borland, PsyD, shines a light on relationship red flags and answers your marriage counseling questions.

What is marriage counseling?

Marriage counseling is when partners seek outside help in their relationship, typically from a licensed mental health provider.

During a session, you’ll talk about any issues or problems you’re experiencing in your relationship. Marriage counseling can be helpful for any stage — whether you’re in a new relationship or have been in one for years. Some couples even go to pre-marriage counseling or premarital counseling to learn communication skills and how to solve problems that may arise.

And when it comes to couples therapy vs. marriage counseling, Dr. Borland says the terms are often used interchangeably and that the goal of both forms of talk therapy is resolving problems and working on one’s relationship.

To have a healthy relationship, Dr. Borland refers to three important tenets: good communication, honesty and trust. Marriage counseling can help you restore — or even establish — all three.

Marriage counseling can:

  • Improve communication so you both feel heard, understood and connected.
  • Strengthen the emotional bond between partners.
  • Increase cooperation.
  • Reduce stress.

And don’t think of marriage counseling as a sign that you’ve failed at your marriage or relationship. In fact, seeking professional help can make your bond stronger.

5 signs you may need marriage counseling

Marriages are like fingerprints — no two are the same. Each partner brings a set of hopes, dreams, personality quirks and family baggage to the relationship. And when you mix those factors together, it can be fireworks, a firestorm or both. That’s why Dr. Borland says there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to figuring out the best time to seek help.

“Earlier is generally better, but it depends on the couple’s relationship dynamic,” he notes. “Finances, therapist availability, and societal and cultural variables can play a role in a couple’s decision to pursue therapy.”

By paying attention to these signs, Dr. Borland says you may be able to pull out of the fire before your house burns down.

You struggle to communicate

Does this sound familiar to you? Your home is either really loud (from all the yelling) or very quiet (silent treatment, anyone?).

If so, it might be helpful to have a trained professional assess the situation and give you and your partner guidance on how to effectively talk to each other and work through issues.

“It’s not uncommon for couples to feel as though they’re having the same argument over and over again,’” says Dr. Borland.

There’s a lack of physical or emotional intimacy

Your relationship used to be filled with passion and lots of love. But if you’ve seen (and felt) the romance fizzle, it could be helpful to have someone recommend strategies that focus on each other like having a dedicated date night.

“I’ve had couples describe feeling more like roommates with minimal intimacy or sexual chemistry, rather than spouses,” he adds.

The trust has been broken

You suspect your partner is lying. Or you know that you definitely are. Perhaps there’s been infidelity. But cheating comes in many forms.

“Infidelity isn’t based solely on sexual behavior,” explains Dr. Borland. “Relationship trust can be broken through online communication or while using social media.”

During marriage counseling, you can work through your trust issues and determine whether that trust can be re-established.

You’ve gone through a major life change

“The birth of a child, the death of a loved one, moving homes, a new job or retirement — these changes have a huge impact on your marriage,” states Dr. Borland.

Being able to navigate changes in your life together is important, and during marriage counseling, you can learn techniques that help you and your partner settle into your new normal.

And if those major life changes affect others in your family like children, it might be a good idea to go to marriage and family counseling so everyone in your home has a chance to express their feelings and learn techniques on how to cope.

One of you has an addiction

This can be a scary situation. “An addiction to drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography, spending or other problematic behaviors can put a significant strain on a relationship,” says Dr. Borland.

It can be difficult to know how to approach a loved one, as you may feel anger and resentment toward your partner. Or if you’re the one with a substance abuse disorder or addiction, it can be hard to admit that you need help. But working with a marriage counselor can lead to open and honest conversations.

How effective is marriage counseling?

So, does marriage counseling work?

According to the American Psychological Association, marriage counseling works about 75% of the time. Those in abusive relationships and those already actively separating make up a big portion of the remaining 25%.

“There are plenty of couples whose marriages have been strengthened and saved by marriage counseling,” reassures Dr. Borland. “I remember one couple telling me, ‘We’re laughing more. We’re doing things that are fun.’ And who doesn’t want more fun in their life?”

Marriage counseling can be worth it. You’ll not only learn how to communicate better, but you’ll also learn how to handle conflict (because let’s be honest, you’re still going to have an occasional disagreement).

What to do if your partner refuses to go to marriage counseling

It’s not uncommon to have one person in a relationship who refuses or is hesitant about going to marriage counseling.

In that case, it can be tricky to resolve issues, says Dr. Borland. If your partner has never been to therapy, it can be helpful to explain how it works and the benefits you may both receive.

If your partner is worried about how your relationship might change, remind them that the goal is to make your relationship stronger.

And when you do start marriage counseling, you may become frustrated that your partner is refusing to be open about their feelings. Dr. Borland says this is common and that you need to be patient.

“It can take several sessions before someone feels comfortable enough to openly share their feelings,” he says.

If your partner isn’t interested in seeking help, you can also consider going to therapy solo where you can develop strategies that make you an effective communicator and listener.

How to find the best marriage counselor for your relationship

Now that you’ve decided to give marriage counseling a try, you may be wondering how to find a marriage counselor.

Finding the right counselor can feel like looking for a needle in a haystack. Dr. Borland suggests these resources:

Once you identify the person who will hear your deepest, darkest secrets, Dr. Borland recommends giving it three or four sessions before passing judgment. It’s important that you and your partner both feel comfortable with who you pick. And honestly, it could take talking to a few different professionals before you find the right fit. But it’s worth the effort.

Complete Article HERE!

Concerned about your sex drive?

— Here’s everything you need to know

Because a ‘normal’ sex drive doesn’t exist…

By Emilie Lavinia

Sex drive. Two words many of us shy away from, for fear of discovering we have an “abnormal” desire for sex – whether that’s a high or low libido.

In reality, many of us have misconceptions about our sex drive and don’t realise that it’s normal for our desire for sex to fluctuate throughout our lives. With the help of sex and relationships experts, we dive deeper into what your sex drive really is, and the factors that could be impacting it.

What does ‘sex drive’ mean?

Sex drive or “libido” is the term used when we talk about our appetite for sex – whether that means sexual thoughts, fantasies and daydreams or sensations and experiences. “Libido is the desire someone has to interact in sexual activity,” explains Jessica Sepel, founder of and the creator of Libido+. “Your sexual desire is the force that can either lead you toward or away from sexual behaviour.”

Sex expert Dr Emily Nagoski, author of seminal book on desire, Come As You Are, suggests that there’s actually no such thing as a so-called sex drive because a drive and a desire are not the same thing. Dr Nagoski says that instead of “a drive”, when it comes to sex, what humans experience are different styles of desire. Nagoski calls these two types of desire spontaneous and responsive.

  • Spontaneous desire is exactly as it sounds – it’s a desire experienced at random, a sudden feeling or sensation.
  • Responsive desire requires some kind of stimulation to evoke sexual desire – be this visual, physical, through sound, scent or memory.
Come as You Are

Natasha Marie, sexual wellness expert at MysteryVibe adds: “Boosting desire involves a collection of things, the foundation of which is understanding your sexual response cycle and identifying how you respond to sexual stimuli. Do you feel desire first? Or arousal first? Do you have a spontaneous sex drive? Or a responsive sex drive?”

What’s a normal sex drive?

It’s easy to feel insecure about how often you want sex, how frequently you feel sexy or the rate at which you experience sexual thoughts and feelings, but there is no rule book. We do know however, based on centuries of the study of sex and sexuality, that certain periods in a person’s life will see either a generally increased or decreased appetite or craving for sex. Peaks and troughs in desire can be influenced by all sorts of factors, but primarily, the causes are hormonal. This is due to the natural fluctuations in hormone levels that take place within our bodies.

What are the signs of a high sex drive?

A high sex drive is generally characterised by how often you show an interest in sex and experience desire, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect how often you engage in sexual activity. Having a high sex drive looks different to different people.

Some common signs of a high sex drive include:

  • Having regular sexual thoughts and feelings
  • Feeling turned on often
  • Feeling connected with your sexual identity and your body
  • Sexual confidence
  • Sex-positive attitude

What causes a high sex drive?

Hormones

“Many of us tend to think about our sex lives as separate from our personal and professional lives, but everything that transpires carries into the bedroom,” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe. Our hormones are the greatest catalyst for increased drive and desire. For example, women who experience a testosterone deficiency might experience symptoms like low libido. While high testosterone can be responsible for a higher libido, it can also signal issues like polycystic ovary syndrome, also known as PCOS. Our hormones require a state of balance that can be upset by a myriad of lifestyle factors, such as diet, stress and sleep, and our sex drive depends on this balance being maintained.

Healthy lifestyle

A high sex drive is also linked to a healthy body. The better your heart function, the more balanced your endocrine system and the healthier your circulation and respiratory system, the easier it will be for you to be turned on. Your stamina, ability to orgasm and your recovery time after sex will also be boosted by these factors.

“It might seem trite and basic, but all your lifestyle choices influence the quality of your sexual wellness and confidence.” says Natasha of MysteryVibe. “It’s important to get adequate sleep, eat a nutritious diet to fuel your body, exercise regularly, and incorporate mindfulness practices into your life, like meditation, that equip you to navigate daily stressors.”

Jessica Sepel of JSHealth adds: “Exercise, mindfulness and yoga ultimately all enhance sexual satisfaction. Increased sexual satisfaction therefore has a direct effect on mood, relationships, connection and self love. So if you are feeling healthy, calm, happy and stress-free it’s likely you will have a heightened sex drive.”

What causes a low sex drive?

Stress

Even if you’re a healthy person with a positive attitude to sex and pleasure, it can sometimes be challenging to get into a headspace that embraces this, especially when life presents so many stresses and distractions. Some people rarely think about sex and find it difficult to get in the mood to do so. We’re rarely encouraged to think about what happens to your body and brain when you orgasm day to day. When women’s lack of sexual desire is persistent and distressing, it’s called hypoactive sexual desire disorder and it’s more common than you might think.

“The world we live in is enormously stressful and stress has a huge impact on people’s sexual relationships and desire to have sex.” says Jessica of JSHealth. “We know that our minds and bodies must be relaxed in order to feel like sex as well as enjoy sex. So really, if you are struggling with low libido, it is not your fault.

Hormones

Low testosterone is the primary hormonal cause of low libido in men and women. Hormones in the female body will begin to decrease naturally with age as perimenopause and menopause kicks in, and it’s not just testosterone loss that causes issues here. Oestrogen and progesterone levels will also begin to drop causing stress, anxiety, loss of moisture in the body – which can lead to uncomfortable dryness – muscle and headaches, and mood swings. With all this going on it can be incredibly challenging to feel sexy.

Painful sex

Due to dryness, conditions like vaginismus and the symptoms of menopause or childbirth, sex can sometimes be painful. Just worrying about how the sensation of sex might feel is enough to put anyone off and this can contribute to a chronic low sex drive. It’s not always possible to masturbate either. Issues with pain can put us off self touch as well as partnered sex.

Natasha Marie from MysteryVibe says: “Sometimes we encounter barriers that prevent the experience of pleasure, like pelvic pain and pain during penetrative sex, which can require a little more diligence to overcome to heighten libido. It’s always best to consult a healthcare professional when experiencing pain.”

Shame and embarrassment

It doesn’t matter how old you are, embarrassment about sex and your body can be hard to shake off. Shame can be a confidence killer and can make you feel morally conflicted about having a high sex drive, having sexual thoughts and feelings or wanting to act on them. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up for how you feel or try to suppress your sex drive.

Our thoughts shape our reality, so be mindful of negative self-talk. Overcoming years of neural programming can be a tall order, but it’s absolutely possible to re-write your internal narrative. “Acknowledge any negative thoughts or biases towards yourself or others, then replace them with positivity. Compliment yourself on repeat, like a mantra, until it becomes a reality. This may be triggering for some to confront intimate truths and may take effort and patience.” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe.

Loss of romantic spark

If you’re in a long-term relationship and feel like the sexual or romantic sparks are not as bright as they once were, you’re not alone. “Scientists have discovered that oxytocin, a bonding hormone that helps turn you on, is mostly released during the early stages of a relationship.” says Pippa of Condoms UK. “In fact, the hormone is so strong at the beginning of a relationship that it works like a drug and continuously makes you crave sex. However, as time goes on, there’s a natural decline in the release of this hormone.”

As we grow accustomed to a particular type of relationship and a certain type of sex, it doesn’t matter if this is our favourite, we’re naturally predisposed to find it less exciting as time goes on. A loss of spark and a familiarity, whether with a partner, or even in the way we practice self pleasure, can cause a drop in desire and it’s worth keeping an eye on this to see if your routine and the way you show yourself and others affection might need shaking up.

My sex drive is different to my partner – is this normal?

Our differing desire styles, hormonal fluctuations, lifestyle choices and external influences can all affect how much we’re in the mood for sex and often, couples experience what’s known as arousal non-concordance.

This is a mismatch of libido but can also be used to describe unmatched feelings and actions or unequal expectations and experiences. For example, you and your partner might experience desire at different times, or, you might find that you’re often in the mood to enjoy self pleasure but your body doesn’t respond by getting wet or hard. Arousal non-concordance is entirely normal and is something lots of people experience, especially when it comes to sex during menopause or sex in midlife.

“Sometimes we encounter mismatched sex drives within relationships, and while that is normal, it can make us want to increase our sex drives to match our partners.” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe. “Thankfully, we’re in the era where sexual liberation meets innovation, and there are methods and tools that make the job of boosting your sex drive very pleasurable.”

Complete Article HERE!

I’m Intersex

— Here’s How That Affects My Sex Life.

“I’ve never understood the idea in society that people should be ashamed of differences like this.”

By Mark Hay

About 1.7 percent of all people are born with intersex characteristics, an umbrella term for sex traits—such as external genitalia, internal reproductive organs, and chromosomal configurations—that don’t line up with society’s artificially tidy binary concepts of male or female bodies. Some of these characteristics are visible at birth: for example, genitals that are notably different from the norms or hard to classify as definitively male or female. Some only make their presence known during puberty, like when people don’t develop in the ways they might’ve expected. Some are so internal and subtle that they’re only identified during an autopsy. In any case, it’s usually impossible to tell if someone has intersex traits just by looking at them in everyday life. Still, living with intersex characteristics can have major impacts on people’s lives—including their sex lives.

To be clear, an intersex characteristic isn’t a medical condition or disability. It’s just one of many natural variations in the way diverse human bodies look and operate. Some factors that lead to intersex variations, like atypical hormone production, can at times also cause serious medical issues that require treatment, but most differences themselves are purely neutral. Yet society’s obsession with categorizing people into one of two binary genders at birth—and with erasing or ignoring anything that complicates the clean (over)simplicity of that binary—means many people with intersex traits grow up with the notion that there is supposedly something wrong with them, but they shouldn’t talk about it. Often, they’re also pressured or forced into “normalizing” themselves to match typical male or female anatomy: Across the world, kids with visible intersex traits are regularly subjected to objectively unnecessary and often harmful surgeries to reshape or remove their genitals, expressly to make them look “normal” and supposedly help them fit into society.

A fair number of people with intersex characteristics don’t feel these traits have much effect, if any, on their sex lives. But several intersex differences can lead to unique experiences of sex and pleasure. And many “normalization” surgeries drastically reduce or eliminate people’s genital sensations, and/or lead to chronic pain and dysfunction in erogenous zones. Thanks to the extreme culture of shame and silence around these traits and experiences, it’s difficult for people with intersex traits—or who are grappling with the effects of unnecessary surgeries—to learn about their bodies, much less articulate and advocate for their sexual wants and needs. Popular misconceptions and stigmas, as well as the risk of someone reacting poorly to diverse genitals or a body that doesn’t work in the ways they’d expect it to, also make it hard for some people with intersex traits to feel comfortable exploring intimacy, or to feel sexy and sexual.

In recent decades, several intersex organizations have formed to push back on pathologization and stigmatization and to help people with intersex characteristics find community and support. But most of their public advocacy and education to date has (understandably) focused on ending unnecessary and harmful surgeries—so there’s still not a ton of public information out there on the issues people with intersex characteristics can face when navigating sex, and how to manage them.

To help bring more visibility to these issues and experiences, VICE reached out to Addy Berry, an intersex woman, and her wife Leea to talk about the ways they’ve approached sex and intimacy. Every intersex experience is unique, so Addy and Leea’s story is hardly universal. But Addy also studies the sexual experiences of people with intersex traits as a PhD candidate and an activist, and shared some of the wider insights she’s gleaned through her research, advocacy, and education work over the years.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity.


Addy: When I was born, my urethra opened on the underside of my phallus, close to the testes. I underwent surgery as a child to reroute it. In medical papers published as late as 2022, doctors have attempted to justify that type of surgery by saying it’s important for boys to be able to pee with their friends—which is a wild justification for a surgery that they perform when no one goes back to see what the long-term effects were on other people. [Editor’s Note: This is one of the most common surgeries performed on infants and toddlers with intersex characteristics.] It’s actually pretty difficult for me to pee anywhere now because there’s a mass of scar tissue within my urethra due to that surgery. So moving my urethra hasn’t done me a whole lot of good.

Doctors insist they can do things like reduce the size of a clitoris—in the past they’d fully remove it—and it’ll all be fine, when there’s no way for them to know that will be the case. Young people I’ve talked to who’ve undergone those surgeries report a lot of pain and also a lot of psychological issues related to the procedures and their long-term effects.

I was also put on hormones pre-puberty, under false pretenses. I didn’t act in accordance with the gender I was assigned—ever—and I got punished for that. Transgender and intersex are not the same thing, but a lot of us were assigned a gender despite uncertainties, and the surgeries done to make us fit that gender then don’t really suit us.

Growing up, my father said things to me like, “You weren’t born with a proper penis,” which is how I knew what my scars were from. And my mother referred to me as an abomination. The effects of all that stigma and shame come up in almost all of the interviews I do—it all has a big effect on your sexuality. I felt the effect on my sense of sexuality pretty early on in life.

Without much sensation in my genitals, likely thanks to that surgery, sex for me was never genital-centric. I could perform penetrative sex, but it doesn’t really do me any good. I was drawn to BDSM, and particularly female domination, from an early age. I’m essentially a masochist. Not everyone in the BDSM community links their involvement back to trauma, but for me I think it’s tied to my history of treatment as an autistic and intersex child who tended to be gender non-conforming and who was raised by a superstitious, sadistic Catholic woman with a lot of issues.

Due to what I was put through in my childhood, I developed into a physically masculine person, and I’d get involved with girls who liked me because of what I looked like—but who’d get angry at me for being feminine even though I was always open about who I am and I didn’t really act masculine. One partner told me that having sex with me was “like having sex with a girl,” and I was like, “Well…” They get angry at you for being the thing you said you were rather than the thing they wanted you to be. There was a lot of incompatibility in my intimate life. And then I found Leea, and there’s been so much compatibility between us that I almost wonder how she’s real. How did we find each other? We should have bought all of the lottery tickets that day. [Laughs.]

Leea: I like to read personal ads because it’s interesting to me to see what people put in them to find a mate. It’s like a love CV or something. I saw this really cute, well-written, dirty Craigslist ad one day, talking about BDSM stuff and with a cute picture, and I said “Oh that’s cool” and moved on. A few days later, I saw the same ad, but all the dirty bits were gone, and I thought that was cute too. I’d never felt inclined to write back to an ad before, but I replied, “Hey, I thought your dirty ad was cuter.” We started texting and then met for a coffee date and really hit it off. 

My dad has a cousin who has intersex characteristics. I’m not sure what they are exactly, but as far as I understood it she’d undergone surgery to make her more female, but because of those surgeries she couldn’t have a child, so they adopted. She told my mother about it because they were good friends, and most of my family knew a bit about it, but nobody talked about it or asked questions. It was kind of a family secret. So I knew intersex characteristics existed before I met Addy, but that was about it. Fairly quickly, it became obvious she was trans but not out. 

Addy: Because of my kiddos.

Leea: But it took a while to realize, “Oh, Addy’s intersex.”

Addy: Yeah, we talked about the surgeries I went through early on and all of that, but I hadn’t attached intersex language to that yet, for myself even.

Leea: Addy had to do a lot of figuring things out because she always knew she’d had these surgeries but she’d never been told specifically what had happened.

Addy: I’d known other words, and I found intersex later. The modern intersex movement has only existed as long as we’ve been able to find and reach each other online.

“The modern intersex movement has only existed as long as we’ve been able to find and reach each other online.” —Addy

Leea: Still, from early on I understood a lot about Addy—and none of it was an issue for me. We’ve just constantly had discussions about where we are. And Addy likes to talk a lot anyway. 

Addy: [Laughs.] It came up early on that you weren’t interested in penetrative sex as well.

Leea: I’d dated a lot of people, and by then I was clear on the sex I wanted to have. I was over men. I don’t give a shit about sex the way a man typically wants to have it. That’s part of why Addy was the one for me. I found someone with whom sex wasn’t centered on the male gaze. 

Addy: In the beginning, we also established that I’m not just a submissive but a masochist, and a pretty feminine person. While Leea is pretty feminine physically, she has more traditionally masculine aspects and aptitudes to her. Outside of this relationship, I’m brave, and I take care of tough things. But in this relationship, I find great comfort in being submissive to Leea.

Leea: It’s hard to remember specific conversations from that far back, but we still constantly discuss things, and the BDSM play we have today has evolved from the play we had 5, 10 years ago as we realize we like some things more or less than we did in the past and adjust.

Addy: For example, through exploration, we’ve found that medical play can be pretty cathartic for me—probably because of my history.

I’ve also experienced pretty severe depression for most of my life, and it’s very hard to get mental health help as an intersex person because not many people are qualified to help with the specific type of trauma you’ve been through. I’ve never found a therapist who’s capable of adequately addressing my trauma. But we’ve found that, when I’m in a depressive state, a caning can bring me right out of it. For example, a person I used to work with once asked me—right in front of Leea—“So if I pulled down your pants right now, what would I be looking at?” After that, I was not in a good place. But BDSM lifted up my dopamine or serotonin or something. Whatever it is, I don’t know. If we could get an MRI machine in here, that’d be interesting.

Leea: It’s really exciting as we explore more and more together. We’ve decided to dedicate this year to taking care of us, putting boundaries on who can come over to our place and when, so we can do things like exploring more BDSM play together. We want to go to more dungeons, too.

Ultimately, Addy being intersex doesn’t define anything in our relationship. It’s a part of who she is, and a part of what makes her the person I love. And because she works on intersex issues, it is something we’re always talking about. It plays a role in our life. But it isn’t who she is.

Addy: A lot of the people I’ve talked to who’ve really struggled are straight intersex people who live in a world where sex is all about a penis going into a vagina. A lot of intersex people have small penises, so living in a world full of comments insulting people for having small penises, where they learn that’s inherently bad and shameful, really sucks. For me and a lot of other intersex people who are queer, we’ve been forced to develop a wider vocabulary around sex.

Leea: The fact that we’re a queer couple has also, I think, given us more space to have conversations about things like the different kinds of sex we want to have. I feel really bad for a lot of straight couples because there isn’t a lot of space for conversations around what is good sex, how each partner is feeling, and what works and doesn’t work for them.

Addy: We have had to adapt our sex around the effects of the surgeries, and the effects of the stigma and shame I went through. But personally, I’ve never understood the idea in society that people should be ashamed of differences like this. I didn’t choose to be intersex or to be trans. So why should I be ashamed of those things? Or of being a submissive to, really, a goddess? Or for having done sex work? I don’t harm anyone. I work to make the world a better place.

I think my parents should be ashamed of how they treated me. The medical establishment should be ashamed. Society at large should be ashamed. I don’t see why I should carry shame.

Complete Article HERE!

What People Get Wrong About Sexless Relationships

By Kelly Gonsalves

There are many reasons why sex gets so much attention when it comes to discussing a healthy relationship: It’s a uniquely connective experience where couples get to completely shed their walls, get playful with each other, and indulge in giving and receiving physical pleasure, all in a way that is (for monogamous folks) not shared with any other person.

That said, while sexual intimacy can certainly bring couples closer together, one of the biggest misconceptions—according to one licensed sex therapist we spoke with—is that healthy relationships require an active sex life.

It’s OK for couples to not be having sex.

“Relationships absolutely can survive without sex,” licensed sex therapist Shadeen Francis, LMFT, CST, recently told mbg.

In fact, while sex does offer many benefits, both for an individual’s well-being and for a relationship, that doesn’t mean relationships always suffer without it, or that a lack of sex is always a sign of trouble in the relationship. “Lots of relationships have extended periods without sex, circumstantially or intentionally, and are still fulfilling and sources of love and connection,” she says. “This can ebb and flow, or be a sustained context of the relationship.”

Here are some examples of situations where couples might have little to no sex without it being a relationship crisis, according to Francis:

  • When partners are long-distance or have opposing schedules
  • When a partner is ill or unwell and therefore unable to have sex comfortably and safely
  • When partners are tired or burned out
  • When partners may abstain from sex for religious or spiritual reasons
  • When one or both partners lose interest in it
  • As long as both partners are on the same page about it and are continuing to find other ways to enjoy intimacy together, Francis says it’s not inherently a problem if a couple puts sex on the backburner.

Sexless relationships can be healthy and fulfilling.

There’s a common assumption that sexless relationships are inherently unfulfilling, or at least less fulfilling than sexual ones. But that’s actually a big myth, according to Francis.

“Not everyone wants to have sex, and not all people consider sex to be an integral part of their partnerships,” she points out.

Of course, many people do have an innate desire for sex and see it as vital to their relationships, but it’s important to recognize that that’s not true for everyone. For example, ever heard someone say they could go the rest of their lives without ever having sex again? (Or maybe that’s you?) Some people really do experience little to no desire for sex—also known as asexuality. “Asexuality exists as an umbrella, and is an example of a group of people who may intentionally create relationships that have low or no partnered sex experiences,” says Francis.

While much research has demonstrated a connection between sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction 1 , it’s important to remember “sexual satisfaction” can mean vastly different things to different people and different couples. A couple might have one single, fabulous sexual encounter a year and not really feel a desire to do it any more frequently; that’s sexual satisfaction for them. Another couple might have sex every week, but one person wants it more often and the other finds the sex to be a chore. That’s probably a pretty unsatisfying sex life, despite the fact that they’re having frequent sex.

Likewise, for some couples, having little to no sex might actually be a pretty satisfying situation. As Francis puts it, “If both partners are in agreement to not have sex, then not having sex is not a problem and can bring people closer as they create the kind of relationship that honors their desires.”

And for the record, one 2017 study 2 found sexlessness in the past year had virtually no impact on an individual’s self-reported happiness—even among married people. People who had no sex in the past year reported being about as happy as those who had been sexually active. This isn’t to say that sex isn’t important to some people (it definitely is!), but it may not be as universally necessary to everyone, as we’re so often told.

The problem with compulsory sexuality.

Constant emphasis on how much sex couples are having and how to increase sexual frequency can contribute to what some experts refer to as compulsory sexuality.

Compulsory sexuality is that prevalent idea that all humans need sex and should be aspiring toward having an active sex life. In addition to invalidating the experiences of asexual people, compulsory sexuality can make everyone feel like there’s something wrong with them or their relationship if they’re not having a ton of sex.

“Societal pressure to have sex or have a certain amount of sex is harmful to everyone,” Francis points out. “It is disembodying and coercive to feel forced to have sex, and people feel the impact of that even when the pressure is coming from a cultural script.”

Some research backs this up, too: A 2015 study 3 found that when couples felt pressured to have more sex, the increased sexual frequency that resulted actually decreased their overall happiness in the relationship—and resulted in them feeling even less motivated to have sex.

That means that, if you’re pushing yourself to have more sex when you don’t actually authentically want that, it might just harm your relationship even further.

On the other hand, as Francis points out, feeling like your experience of desire is being honored and accepted exactly the way it is can actually help couples feel closer to each other as they co-create a mutually satisfying relationship.

Put simply, “If folks do not want to have more sex than they are having, that is to be celebrated,” she says.

The takeaway.

Here’s the long and short of it: If you’re having less sex than you (or your partner) would like, and it’s causing tension in the relationship, then the relationship will of course benefit from more intentionality and investment in this part of your lives.

But if you and your partner aren’t having sex, and neither of you has a problem with that, then there’s nothing to worry about. All those external voices around you telling you there’s something wrong if a couple doesn’t have an active sex life? Ignore them.

Sex isn’t mandatory for a healthy relationship. It’s up to you and your partner to decide what role it does—or doesn’t—play in your lives.

Complete Article HERE!

 

Fight Sexual Ageism and Boost Your Sexual Self-Confidence

— While some assume the thrill of sex dies down with age, that’s just one of many misconceptions

By Taneia Surles

For many individuals, having sex can release stress and be a way to explore different forms of intimacy with their partners. While some assume that the thrill of sex dies down in the latter stages of life, that’s not the case.

An older couple kissing in the kitchen. Next Avenue, sexual ageism, sex in your 60s, midlife
You may not be able to engage in sexual experiences as you did in your 20s and 30s, but that’s completely okay. Instead of focusing on the past, learn to love and appreciate your body and find new ways to have fun in the bedroom.

Unfortunately, this popular misconception has caused many older adults to hold back on exploring their sexuality, leading to physical and emotional insecurities that can be difficult to overcome. Here’s a look at what sexual ageism is and how you can revamp your sexual self-confidence as an older adult.

What Is Sexual Ageism?

Ageism itself is any form of discrimination against older adults. Combined with sexuality, sexual ageism is the social stigma that older adults no longer have an interest in sexual intimacy with others.

Although many might assume that older adults are no longer sexually active, many still pursue intimacy in their later stages.

“Sexual ageism is when older people are stereotyped as being non-sexual, not capable of having sex or enjoying a sex life like they did when they were young,” said Amy Killen, MD, an anti-aging and regenerative medicine physician specializing in aesthetics and sexual medicine, and the medical advisor at Joi Women’s Wellness.

Although many might assume that older adults are no longer sexually active, many still pursue intimacy in their later stages. In fact, according to 2018 findings from the University of Michigan’s National Poll on Healthy Aging, many older adults still have an interest in sex, regardless of whether they are or aren’t sexually active.

Here are some of the poll’s results:

  • 65% said they had an interest in sex.
  • 40% of respondents reported that they were sexually active.
  • 83% of those who reported being sexually active noted that sex was essential to their quality of life.
  • 73% of respondents were satisfied with their sex life.

3 Myths Associated With Older Adults and Sex

Sexual ageism is commonly associated with older adults because there are many misconceptions implying that the older generation isn’t looking for sexual relationships.

“The world is rife with the idea that we ‘age out’ of both being sexy and wanting sex.”

Some widespread misunderstandings about older adults and sex are:

1. Once you become older, you’re no longer capable of having sex.

“The general misconceptions from people outside of that age group is that no one is having any sex and that if they are, it’s probably boring,” said Alice Leach, sexpert and creative director of Tapdat, a casual dating app. “The world is rife with the idea that we ‘age out’ of both being sexy and wanting sex.”

2. Older adults don’t talk about sex, so they must not be active.

Although society is now more sex-positive, many older adults may feel uncomfortable sharing their sex lives with others. Because of this, many may assume that because older adults are not talking about sex, it means that they aren’t doing it.

3. Aging bodies are seen as “unattractive.”

Due to the media and pornography, if someone’s body is not slim, tan, and flawless, it may be deemed “unattractive” by society. With this in mind, there are misconceptions that older, aging bodies are not appealing, which isn’t the case.

Effects Of Sexual Ageism

The negative misconceptions surrounding older adults and sex can pose significant mental and physical effects on this population.

“The first step to staying sexually healthy is to stay physically healthy.”

Sexual ageism can affect their perceptions of sex by keeping them from sharing their sexual health concerns with their doctors, like STD prevention, or cause them to lose interest in sex due to the social stigma that they shouldn’t be sexually active.

Aside from the social factors, sexual ageism can affect their overall health. For example, a 2017 study reveals that ageism’s effects on sexual activity can lead to poorer health outcomes.

Reasons Why Some Older Adults May Not Be Sexually Active

Sometimes, older adults may want to explore their sexuality, but factors hinder their ability to do so. Some of these factors primarily occur among older adults.

Here are a few reasons why older adults may not be sexually active:

  • Chronic conditions like arthritis, gout, diabetes
  • Mental health conditions like Alzheimer’s disease, dementia or depression
  • Certain medications
  • The loss of their partner
  • Negative body image or low self-esteem issues
  • Low sex drive or libido
  • Incontinence (loss of bladder control)
  • Pain during sex
  • Menopause

Tips For Embracing and Exploring Your Sexuality

Your sex life doesn’t have to stop when you become older. Unfortunately, sexual ageism may always exist, but it shouldn’t hinder you from exploring your sexuality. Learn how to embrace your sexuality and overcome negative stereotypes with these tips:

Prioritize your health

One way to lead a healthy sex life is to ensure you’re taking care of your health. Eating a nutritious diet, being physically active, and staying on top of your health conditions can help you have more enjoyable sexual experiences.

“The first step to staying sexually healthy is to stay physically healthy,” said Killen. “The foundations of long-term health, such as daily exercise, adequate sleep, stress management, and a balanced diet are also the foundations of a good sex life.”

Communicate with your partner(s)

Communication is key to having safe and fun sexual experiences. As an older adult, you may encounter more pain, dryness, and low libido when engaging in sex. With this in mind, it’s essential to be comfortable telling your partner when you’re feeling discomfort or want to try something else.

“Open communication with a partner is very important,” said Amir Marashi, MD, a board-certified cosmetic gynecologist/pelvic pain specialist, sexpert, and founder at Cerē. “There is no shame in explaining that you might need extra help or time becoming aroused or lubricated.”

Celebrate Who You Are

You may not have the same body or be able to engage in sexual experiences as you did in your 20s and 30s, but that’s completely okay. Instead of focusing on the past, learn to love and appreciate your body and find new ways to have fun in the bedroom.

While age and age-related health conditions can potentially limit some of your sexual capabilities, there are still multiple ways to be sexually confident and lead a healthy sex life.

Complete Article HERE!

A beginner’s guide to understanding Dom/sub dynamics

— Want to try kink but don’t know where to start?

By Gigi Engle

If you’ve been wanting to try kink but aren’t sure where to start, you’ve come to the right place.

There are hundreds (probably thousands) of guides out there to kink, but they often don’t focus on the building blocks of healthy kink relationships.

We need to walk before we can run, you know?

Enter the foundational layer of kink: The Dom/sub dynamic, or D/s. “Dominance and submission is the general container for almost all kinks,” explains Julieta Chiaramonte(Opens in a new window), a kink instructor, writer, and sex expert.

Understanding what the Dom/sub dynamic is, how it functions, and how to negotiate around it in your own relationship(s) is key to creating the kinky sex life of your dreams. It is the base layer. It is the fundamental configuration of role play.

Once you have a solid grasp on D/s, the rest — the whips, chains, blindfolds, sitting in Jell-O, using fake blood, etc. —can be built on top. We’re not here to yuck anyone else’s yum when it comes to your kinks, but we do want you to be confident in how to act on them.

Here’s everything you need to know.

What the Dom/sub dynamic actually is.

While Dom/sub dynamics are primarily found in kink, they actually play out in most forms of sex. One person is usually the more submissive partner, while the other is more dominant. But within the context of BDSM, these dynamics become even more explicit. BDSM stands for bondage, Dominance/Dominant, submissive/submission, and sadomasochism. This is when two or more people engage in consensual power exchange. The sub willingly hands over the power within the scene to the Dominant.

The key word here is “consent.”

“BDSM provides a framework for individuals to engage in [this] consensual power exchange,” says Dr. Nazanin Moali(Opens in a new window), a sex therapist and the host of the Sexology podcast.

The key word here is “consent.” Kink is all about giving and taking power in an empowered way. “Since consent is the cornerstone of these practices, it provides an opportunity to ensure [that] the person surrendering control and the person in charge stay within the sexual boundaries they’ve set,” Moali adds.

How D/s can play out in BDSM scenes.

D/s dynamics will play out in every kinky scenario, because it is the core of the practice. But how it shows up is another story. This is one of the things that makes kink so appealing. You can completely customize an experience to cater to your specific interests.

Some examples of Dom/sub relationships:

  • A classic D/s bondage scene: The Dom acts as a master over the submissive. This usually entails punishment, sensory play, etc. Think: 50 Shades of Gray, but not shit.
  • A caretaking scene: The Dom “takes care” of the sub. The sub is called a Little in this dynamic.
  • A Dom/brat scene: The sub is a “brat” and purposely “disobeys” the Dom in order to receive punishments.
  • A Master/pet: The Dom is a pet-owner and the sub is the pet.

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

Chiaramonte explains that the paddles, crops, and ropes are about deepening the bond between the Dom and their sub. “A Dom may consensually practice bondage with their submissive to deepen their power practice,” she explains. “Bondage in this scenario can be used as a punishment, a reward, or a sensory experience to show who’s boss in a safe way.”

There is a common misconception that Dom/sub dynamics are inherently pain-focused or violent. This just isn’t true.

But nurturing a Dom/sub dynamics is not entirely relegated to the sphere of pain play. Kink can involve sensory play, elaborate pain-free role play, and much more. These scenes are made by the two or more people playing them out. It is a unique and fully bespoke experience.

Negotiating boundaries within a Dom/sub dynamic.

The sub is not under the Dominant’s coercive control. They are an equal member in the power exchange. That means that BDSM and kink and are all about negotiation. “The discussion you have before play is the place to express boundaries you both have, your expectations, and to set the stage for consent,” Chiaramonte says. “This helps create healthy boundaries before entering a dynamic.”

Moali says that while you should be “sure you have a ‘safe word’ that you may use during the scene to immediately halt any actions, it is [also] important to have periodic conversations about your boundaries.” When you’re new to BDSM, you may not be entirely sure of every boundary you have. Feeling like you’re safe to explore edges with the ability to say “no” when something isn’t right is key.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first. While all boundaries and scenes are negotiated, the Dom takes on a lot of responsibility within this dynamic. They are responsible for the sub’s safety — both mentally and physically. If you’re taking on a Dom role, you need to be extra-aware of the care you need to take to ensure the sub’s boundaries are respected. As a Dom, you have been given the reins to control the scene. And this shouldn’t be taken lightly.

Do not go forward in a situation without having a conversation first, Chiaramonte says. “If someone asks to play before setting any sort of negotiation and boundaries, [that’s a] red flag,” she explains.

This does not mean that the sub does not have power. Everything is highly negotiated and supplemented by the use of a safe word. A safe word is a non-sexual agreed upon word or phrase that indicates the sub has reached their limit. Once a safe word is invoked, the play stops – either entirely or for a break.

The importance of aftercare post-kink play.

BDSM and kink scenes come with the need for a great deal of concentration, a lot of emotional intensity, and physical requirements (such as dealing with pain, tying knots, etc.). “When we get deep into sub-space or dom-space, we experience a high nearly identical to that of drugs: We’re stimulated, [have] heightened emotions, and can feel in another dimension,” Chiaramonte tells us.

Subspace has been described as similar to a deep meditative state — which research shows(Opens in a new window) can feel incredibly therapeutic and has lots of psychological benefits. But because this meditative state in kink can be highly emotive, we need to take post-play into consideration. You need to take some time to “come down” from the scene.

This is where aftercare comes in.

Aftercare is when the Dom and sub have some connection time. This can look like cuddling, bringing the sub a glass of water, talking through the scene, and much more. As with boundary negotiation, you’ll need to take time to figure out what kind of aftercare you and your partner(s) need.

Aftercare is crucial when doing BDSM because it allows us to return to a state of equilibrium and calm after particularly intense scenes. “Engaging in aftercare fosters a sense of trust as well as providing a sense of connection,” Moali says.

Aftercare isn’t always just the Dom taking care of the sub. Sometimes the Dom has big post-scene emotions as well. We all need care after emotionally complex experiences; having empathy for that can make your kink experiences so much better.

Learning new dynamics is rewarding.

The D/s dynamics in kink (and all sex) can be incredibly rewarding and offer an enriching way to view your sexuality and sexual experiences. Taking time to fully grasp the complexity and nuance associated with the roles we play in sex offers us greater insight into who we are as humans.

Complete Article HERE!

Closing the curtain

— The importance of aftercare post-sex

By Lily Thomas

Like a play, sex has a beginning, a middle and an end. The end of sex is called aftercare, and it involves sexual partners checking in and supporting each other’s needs.

Though aftercare originated in the BDSM and kink community, it can be a part of all sexual experiences.

Rachel Zar, licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist, said sex is not a complete experience unless there is aftercare involved.

“Because the physical intimacy of sex is just as important as the emotional intimacy of sex, aftercare helps us to deal with any emotions that come up, to counter any sexual shame that there may be, to ground ourselves if we’re feeling any post-coital dysphoria (PCD), and to increase our feeling of connection with our partner.”

During sex, several hormones, such as dopamine, are heightened. When the sexual experience ends, however, Zar said oftentimes people experience a crash, which can manifest into PCD.

PCD causes negative emotions like sadness and anxiety after a consensual sexual experience. According to a study by the National Center for Biotechnology, 46% of respondents experienced PCD symptoms at least once.

“If you just had sex with this person and immediately after sex ends, they just roll over and start to do something else, it’s almost like they’re abandoning the moment, like they’re not really present with you,” Zar said. “They’re not helping you transition and you’re not helping them transition from this playful space back into reality, and that’s what’s really important.”

Zar said aftercare can be a variety of things, including: cuddling, kissing, having a snack, rehydrating, watching a movie together, showering, taking care of any injuries, or even having a simple conversation.

First-year Jamie Davis, whose major is undecided, believes there is a lot of shame surrounding the topic, which leads to miscommunications between sexual partners.

“I think we need to change the way we socially talk about sex,” Davis said. “Even though we’ve tried to come very far, I feel there’s [still] discomfort about it. I think that everyone would benefit from just being more honest and more open about things.”

To practice aftercare, Zar recommends self-advocating for the type of aftercare you want. If you do not feel comfortable asking someone for aftercare, Zar recommends considering if that is a safe person for you to be vulnerable with.

For Davis, sex has been like a “double-edged sword” because of a combination of negative and positive experiences. Though they have only experienced true aftercare once, they enjoy talking about the experience after. Going forward, they will try to discuss their wants and needs before sexual experiences.

“I’m trying to be more honest about these experiences,” Davis said. “I hope that maybe I’ll meet somebody and they’re like ‘yeah that happened to me too.’ I think there’s some kind of comfort in talking about it with people, and anyone who actually matters will be understanding.”

Freshman creative writing major Cassius Green believes that anyone who engages in sex should also be engaging in aftercare, whether you are in a relationship or not.

“A lot of people think that aftercare is only something for people that are in love or in relationships, and I think that’s also not true,” Green said. “It doesn’t always have to be holding each other and talking about how much you love each other. Aftercare can be more casual and it can also be sexy.”

His favorite form of aftercare involves cleaning up and getting dressed before making tea and toast to replenish themselves.

“It’s not also just about one person taking care of the other,” Green said. “It’s for both people to just experience connection and express appreciation for one another after you engage in sex, which is a very intimate thing.”

Complete Article HERE!

Sexual Meditation

— Ways to Enhance Pleasure and Improve Your Sex Life

Practicing mindfulness through meditation can help to improve a person’s sex life and has been found to aid in treating sexual dysfunctions. Mindfulness allows people to become more self-aware and focus on sexual sensations within the body in the present moment. This allows people to avoid distractions in the mind and recognize sexual desire and arousal as it arises in the body, leading to greater sexual satisfaction.

By

  • Sexual meditation uses mindfulness-based practices outside of the bedroom to help improve sexual satisfaction by becoming more mindful of what’s happening in the body during sex.
  • Sexual meditation and mindfulness have been found to increase sexual satisfaction, arousal and desire, and are effective treatments for some sexual dysfunctions.
  • Meditation and mindfulness practices increase sexual satisfaction as they allow people to tune out of the distractions in their minds and tune in to the sensations happening in their bodies. This will enable people to recognize desire and arousal as it occurs in the body.
  • If you’re looking to use sexual meditation and mindfulness practices to improve your sex life, it’s best to practice daily for at least ten minutes.

What is sexual meditation?

The term sexual meditation often refers to two different things:

  1. Using the general practice of meditation and mindfulness to enhance sex.
  2. Using mindfulness when engaging in sexual activities.

While people may use the term to refer to different aspects of meditation and mindfulness, a growing body of research states that mindfulness can help increase sexual satisfaction and even treat some sexual dysfunctions. Mindfulness can be described as a non-judgemental, present awareness within the body, which means being in the moment and paying attention to all bodily sensations without judgment.

How sexual meditation improves sex

Meditation and mindfulness help us quiet down the mind and bring our attention and focus to the body, which is vitally important for those living busy and stressful lives. When the mind is too busy worrying about everything that needs to be done within the day, we often forget to listen to our bodies, which can have disastrous effects on our sex lives.

When the mind is too loud, we either can’t hear our body’s sexual desire and arousal, or we’re just too stressed out to even experience desire and arousal at all. Taking time to practice mindfulness allows us to focus on the present and take in all the senses, which helps us to recognize sexual sensations within the body when they arise.

Sexual meditation benefits:

Many people know that meditation has many physical and mental health benefits, including reducing stress and anxiety, improving sleep, increasing emotional intelligence, and decreasing blood pressure. However, meditation and mindfulness can also help improve your sexual health by increasing sexual satisfaction and desire. There are many different benefits of sexual meditation with the most notable ones discussed below.

Increases sexual desire and arousal

Meditation and mindfulness practices help us tune out of all the distractions happening in our heads and tune in to the sensations happening in our bodies, meaning we can listen to our bodies and notice when feelings of desire arise.

Many studies have found that those who practiced mindfulness had better sex. This is because they better listen to their body’s needs and wants, in the present moment, paying more attention to connection, touch, arousal, and intimacy during sex in a non-judgmental manner.

Helps treat sexual dysfunctions

Meditation and mindfulness have been found to aid in treating several sexual dysfunctions, particularly for women, including genito-pelvic pain/penetration disorder, female orgasmic disorder, and female sexual interest/arousal disorder.

Research examining the benefits of meditation and mindfulness on men’s sexual dysfunctions is relatively new. However, findings suggest mindfulness is also effective in treating erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation.

Boosts self-confidence

Mindfulness practices have also been found to help decrease negative body image and self-talk, which increases sexual pleasure. In addition, practicing mindfulness increases self-compassion, acceptance, and confidence. These traits help immensely in the bedroom, as we can spend more time experiencing and giving pleasure rather than focusing on our bodies and what others think of us.

Sexual meditation tips

Here are a few tips for using meditation to help improve your sex life:

  • Practice daily. Like many things in life, becoming mindful requires practice. Similar to a muscle, the brain gets stronger through repeated exercise, so practicing mindfulness daily for ten minutes will help you reap all the benefits.
  • Focus on bodily sensations. When having sex, try focusing on all the sensations happening in the body rather than the chatter in your head. If your mind wanders, come back into your body, focusing on the five senses. Focusing on the pleasure within the body, rather than an orgasm, is also very helpful.
  • Get curious about pleasure. When the mind is too busy, we can forget to lean into pleasure and become spectators of our sexual activity. Permitting yourself to get curious about pleasure allows you to explore what feels good to you, leaving the traditional sexual scripts in the past.

Practicing sexual meditation can help you explore the boundaries of your sexual experiences. By focusing on touch and sensation, you can enhance sex through mindfulness, arousal, and concentrating on the present.

Complete Article HERE!