— Here’s everything you need to know
Because a ‘normal’ sex drive doesn’t exist…
By Emilie Lavinia
Sex drive. Two words many of us shy away from, for fear of discovering we have an “abnormal” desire for sex – whether that’s a high or low libido.
In reality, many of us have misconceptions about our sex drive and don’t realise that it’s normal for our desire for sex to fluctuate throughout our lives. With the help of sex and relationships experts, we dive deeper into what your sex drive really is, and the factors that could be impacting it.
What does ‘sex drive’ mean?
Sex drive or “libido” is the term used when we talk about our appetite for sex – whether that means sexual thoughts, fantasies and daydreams or sensations and experiences. “Libido is the desire someone has to interact in sexual activity,” explains Jessica Sepel, founder of and the creator of Libido+. “Your sexual desire is the force that can either lead you toward or away from sexual behaviour.”
Sex expert Dr Emily Nagoski, author of seminal book on desire, Come As You Are, suggests that there’s actually no such thing as a so-called sex drive because a drive and a desire are not the same thing. Dr Nagoski says that instead of “a drive”, when it comes to sex, what humans experience are different styles of desire. Nagoski calls these two types of desire spontaneous and responsive.
- Spontaneous desire is exactly as it sounds – it’s a desire experienced at random, a sudden feeling or sensation.
- Responsive desire requires some kind of stimulation to evoke sexual desire – be this visual, physical, through sound, scent or memory.
Natasha Marie, sexual wellness expert at MysteryVibe adds: “Boosting desire involves a collection of things, the foundation of which is understanding your sexual response cycle and identifying how you respond to sexual stimuli. Do you feel desire first? Or arousal first? Do you have a spontaneous sex drive? Or a responsive sex drive?”
What’s a normal sex drive?
It’s easy to feel insecure about how often you want sex, how frequently you feel sexy or the rate at which you experience sexual thoughts and feelings, but there is no rule book. We do know however, based on centuries of the study of sex and sexuality, that certain periods in a person’s life will see either a generally increased or decreased appetite or craving for sex. Peaks and troughs in desire can be influenced by all sorts of factors, but primarily, the causes are hormonal. This is due to the natural fluctuations in hormone levels that take place within our bodies.
What are the signs of a high sex drive?
A high sex drive is generally characterised by how often you show an interest in sex and experience desire, but it doesn’t necessarily reflect how often you engage in sexual activity. Having a high sex drive looks different to different people.
Some common signs of a high sex drive include:
- Having regular sexual thoughts and feelings
- Feeling turned on often
- Feeling connected with your sexual identity and your body
- Sexual confidence
- Sex-positive attitude
What causes a high sex drive?
Hormones
“Many of us tend to think about our sex lives as separate from our personal and professional lives, but everything that transpires carries into the bedroom,” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe. Our hormones are the greatest catalyst for increased drive and desire. For example, women who experience a testosterone deficiency might experience symptoms like low libido. While high testosterone can be responsible for a higher libido, it can also signal issues like polycystic ovary syndrome, also known as PCOS. Our hormones require a state of balance that can be upset by a myriad of lifestyle factors, such as diet, stress and sleep, and our sex drive depends on this balance being maintained.
Healthy lifestyle
A high sex drive is also linked to a healthy body. The better your heart function, the more balanced your endocrine system and the healthier your circulation and respiratory system, the easier it will be for you to be turned on. Your stamina, ability to orgasm and your recovery time after sex will also be boosted by these factors.
“It might seem trite and basic, but all your lifestyle choices influence the quality of your sexual wellness and confidence.” says Natasha of MysteryVibe. “It’s important to get adequate sleep, eat a nutritious diet to fuel your body, exercise regularly, and incorporate mindfulness practices into your life, like meditation, that equip you to navigate daily stressors.”
Jessica Sepel of JSHealth adds: “Exercise, mindfulness and yoga ultimately all enhance sexual satisfaction. Increased sexual satisfaction therefore has a direct effect on mood, relationships, connection and self love. So if you are feeling healthy, calm, happy and stress-free it’s likely you will have a heightened sex drive.”
What causes a low sex drive?
Stress
Even if you’re a healthy person with a positive attitude to sex and pleasure, it can sometimes be challenging to get into a headspace that embraces this, especially when life presents so many stresses and distractions. Some people rarely think about sex and find it difficult to get in the mood to do so. We’re rarely encouraged to think about what happens to your body and brain when you orgasm day to day. When women’s lack of sexual desire is persistent and distressing, it’s called hypoactive sexual desire disorder and it’s more common than you might think.
“The world we live in is enormously stressful and stress has a huge impact on people’s sexual relationships and desire to have sex.” says Jessica of JSHealth. “We know that our minds and bodies must be relaxed in order to feel like sex as well as enjoy sex. So really, if you are struggling with low libido, it is not your fault.
Hormones
Low testosterone is the primary hormonal cause of low libido in men and women. Hormones in the female body will begin to decrease naturally with age as perimenopause and menopause kicks in, and it’s not just testosterone loss that causes issues here. Oestrogen and progesterone levels will also begin to drop causing stress, anxiety, loss of moisture in the body – which can lead to uncomfortable dryness – muscle and headaches, and mood swings. With all this going on it can be incredibly challenging to feel sexy.
Painful sex
Due to dryness, conditions like vaginismus and the symptoms of menopause or childbirth, sex can sometimes be painful. Just worrying about how the sensation of sex might feel is enough to put anyone off and this can contribute to a chronic low sex drive. It’s not always possible to masturbate either. Issues with pain can put us off self touch as well as partnered sex.
Natasha Marie from MysteryVibe says: “Sometimes we encounter barriers that prevent the experience of pleasure, like pelvic pain and pain during penetrative sex, which can require a little more diligence to overcome to heighten libido. It’s always best to consult a healthcare professional when experiencing pain.”
Shame and embarrassment
It doesn’t matter how old you are, embarrassment about sex and your body can be hard to shake off. Shame can be a confidence killer and can make you feel morally conflicted about having a high sex drive, having sexual thoughts and feelings or wanting to act on them. The worst thing you can do is beat yourself up for how you feel or try to suppress your sex drive.
Our thoughts shape our reality, so be mindful of negative self-talk. Overcoming years of neural programming can be a tall order, but it’s absolutely possible to re-write your internal narrative. “Acknowledge any negative thoughts or biases towards yourself or others, then replace them with positivity. Compliment yourself on repeat, like a mantra, until it becomes a reality. This may be triggering for some to confront intimate truths and may take effort and patience.” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe.
Loss of romantic spark
If you’re in a long-term relationship and feel like the sexual or romantic sparks are not as bright as they once were, you’re not alone. “Scientists have discovered that oxytocin, a bonding hormone that helps turn you on, is mostly released during the early stages of a relationship.” says Pippa of Condoms UK. “In fact, the hormone is so strong at the beginning of a relationship that it works like a drug and continuously makes you crave sex. However, as time goes on, there’s a natural decline in the release of this hormone.”
As we grow accustomed to a particular type of relationship and a certain type of sex, it doesn’t matter if this is our favourite, we’re naturally predisposed to find it less exciting as time goes on. A loss of spark and a familiarity, whether with a partner, or even in the way we practice self pleasure, can cause a drop in desire and it’s worth keeping an eye on this to see if your routine and the way you show yourself and others affection might need shaking up.
My sex drive is different to my partner – is this normal?
Our differing desire styles, hormonal fluctuations, lifestyle choices and external influences can all affect how much we’re in the mood for sex and often, couples experience what’s known as arousal non-concordance.
This is a mismatch of libido but can also be used to describe unmatched feelings and actions or unequal expectations and experiences. For example, you and your partner might experience desire at different times, or, you might find that you’re often in the mood to enjoy self pleasure but your body doesn’t respond by getting wet or hard. Arousal non-concordance is entirely normal and is something lots of people experience, especially when it comes to sex during menopause or sex in midlife.
“Sometimes we encounter mismatched sex drives within relationships, and while that is normal, it can make us want to increase our sex drives to match our partners.” says Natasha Marie of MysteryVibe. “Thankfully, we’re in the era where sexual liberation meets innovation, and there are methods and tools that make the job of boosting your sex drive very pleasurable.”
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