Month: November 2022

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How to talk to your partner about taking the next step in your relationship

Are you both heading in the same direction?

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If you’re happy in your relationship then it’s completely normal to think about the future.

When you’re in relatively early stages of a relationship, you might start thinking about next steps. Moving in together, for example. Or if you already live together, maybe marriage or kids are on your mind.

But it’s always scary to bring these things up, particularly if you’re not sure if your partner is on the same page as you – or if you suspect that they likely are not.

If these markers of progression are important to you, it’s vital to have those conversations with your lover. You don’t want to stagnate, or start to resent them because things aren’t going how you want.

Netflix show ‘The Ultimatum: Marry or Move On’ has created a lot of buzz as couples with misaligned commitment goals have to decide whether to get married or split up for good. But can an ultimatum actually work in a real-life relationship, or are there better ways to communicate?

Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney, has shared some advice on how to know when the time is right to progress in your relationship, and tips on how to navigate communicating your relationship desires with your partner. 

‘Before you even sit down with your partner to have these types of conversations, it’s a good idea to settle on some ground rules,’ says Annabelle.

‘That way, no matter which direction the conversation goes, you can be sure that you’re communicating in the best way possible.’

Dismiss the idea of right and wrong

When you’re talking to your partner about progressing your relationship to the next level, Annabelle says it’s important to remove any notion of ‘winning.’

‘This is a conversation, not with one partner pitted against the other, but rather two people side by side against the world,’ she says.

Keep your focus

‘If the conversation begins to spiral or evolve to be about something completely different then agree to take a step back and get back on track,’ says Annabelle.

This is common with partners who have a lot of history. You don’t want to end up accidentally having the same fight you always have.

Learn to listen

Annabelle says that more often than not we are guilty of spending time during deep conversations waiting for our partner to finish their sentence, so we can start ours.

‘This prevents us from really hearing what your other half is trying to say,’ she says.

‘So, for any important conversations make sure you tune into their words so you can really hear their meaning.’

Process properly

Annabelle adds: ‘After you’ve both said your piece take some time out to process what’s been said, how it’s made you feel and what you want to do about it.’

Seek clarity

She also says you shouldn’t be afraid to ask your partner to repeat any points you don’t understand.

‘Moving forward in any relationship relies heavily on understanding your partner, this goes for what they mean when they speak, as well as who they are as a person,’ says Annabelle.

How do you know when it is the right time to progress in a relationship?

Whether it’s taking your relationship to the next level and making it official, moving in together, or getting married, Annabelle agrees that knowing when the time is right can be tricky.

‘The answer to these questions largely lies in not only how you feel about one another, but also your visions for the future,’ she says. ‘Not just for what you want to achieve as an individual, but for what you want for your relationship as well. 

‘Having an open and honest dialogue with your partner about these things is absolutely your best bet, however, this isn’t always how things pan out in real life.

‘We might be fearful of rejection so hold our feelings in, we may be worried about rushing our partner so slow things down, or it could be that we keep meaning to have that chat… but life just keeps getting in the way.’ 

Although knowing when it’s the right time to progress in your relationship can be difficult, Annabelle says that if you take into consideration her key points of advice, you may have an answer for yourself.

‘I’ve created the acronym T.I.S.S – Trust, Intimacy, Security, Support – to help couples figure out if the time is right.’

Trust
‘Trust is a key component of any happy and healthy relationship. It’s also something that isn’t earnt overnight. If you and your partner can, hand on heart, say that you trust one another then it may be time to progress your relationship.’

Intimacy
‘Make sure you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to how often you’re intimate and what levels of affection you need from your partner.’

Security
‘Nope, I’m not talking about burglar alarms, I’m talking about how safe and secure you feel with your partner.’

Support
‘Supporting your partner and knowing that they in turn support you is one of the cornerstones of a long-lasting and meaningful partnership.’

If you can wholeheartedly tick these things off, and know that your partner can do the same, Annabelle says this could be the signal that it’s time to speak to them about taking your relationship to the next level.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex doesn’t stop after 60

— ‘We can stay sexually zesty and vibrant’

While sex after 60 does have its challenges, it can also be “sizzling.”

By Rachel Grumman Bender

Sex after 60 isn’t something people talk about that much — but Joan Price is looking to change that.

The 79-year-old speaker and author of Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk About Sex After Sixty and Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex tells Yahoo Life that if “we give ourselves regular sexual attention and orgasms, we can stay sexually zesty and vibrant and reap all the benefits of regular orgasms such as a sense of well-being, being in touch with our physicality, sleeping better” and more.

The University of Michigan’s 2018 National Poll on Healthy Aging found that most older adults (76%) agreed that sex is an important part of a romantic relationship at any age. The poll also found that 45% of those 65 to 80 years old are sexually active.

But Leah Millheiser, director of the female sexual medicine program at Stanford University Medical Center, acknowledges that it’s still a taboo topic and people don’t typically see women being depicted as sexual beings after menopause, telling Yahoo Life: “That’s unfortunate because we know men and women across their lifetime will go on to having very enjoyable and satisfying sex lives. You have to work a little harder for it to be enjoyable and successful. But it’s very achievable.”

Millheiser says that society has “definitely made strides” in talking about sex and sexuality in midlife and beyond but that “we are nowhere near where we need to be.” She points to Jennifer Lopez during the 2020 Super Bowl LIV halftime show, where the star, then 50, “came out and blew people’s minds — she looks great and gorgeous. For many people it was shocking.” Millheiser also points out that 50-year-old Gwyneth Paltrow has also been vocal about sexuality in midlife.

Even so, “we are very far from having normalized sexuality in the golden years for women,” says Millheiser. “We can have erectile dysfunction ads all over the place, but you can’t say ‘vagina’ and ‘vaginal dryness.’ It starts with normalizing sexuality after a certain age.” She mentions how on the show Grace and Frankie “they actually show a sex scene with Jane Fonda and it was extremely hot to watch — there needs to be more of that.”

Joan Price (Photo: Courtesy of Joan Price)
Author Joan Price says she “was having glorious sex” in her 60s — and still is at 79.

It’s something Price can relate to. “Usually, sex and seniors were never mentioned in the same sentence, and if they were it was doom and gloom. But I was having glorious sex” in her 60s with her lover, who eventually became her husband (he died of cancer 7 years after they met). After wondering why there weren’t any books that talked about positive sexual experiences past age 60, Price ended up writing a book about it herself — and she’s been vocal about the topic ever since.

Price says that as people age, there are ways that sex can actually be better than ever. “When I say can be, I mean it doesn’t happen automatically,” she shares. “This is something we make a priority. … It’s important to keep yourself sexually healthy and vibrant by having regular sex sessions — whether that’s sex dates with yourself or a partner. Solo sex is real sex.”

That said, sex after 60 does have its challenges. Millheiser says it can be a “double-edged sword.” On the one hand, there can be issues with low libido, vaginal dryness and sexual dysfunction. But on the other hand, sex can also be better “because you know what you want and you know how to ask what you want,” she says.

Price acknowledges that it can be harder to get aroused and reach orgasm with age. “But that doesn’t mean sex is over,” she says. “It means we explore new ways and new erogenous zones. It may be the addition of a sex toy and not just a partner’s finger or mouth or genitals. We need to ask for what we need, and before we can do that we need to know what to ask for. That’s again why solo sex is important — even if we’re in a relationship — because we can explore on our own to know what to ask for.”

Of course, one of the benefits of aging, says Price, is worrying less about what other people think — and that includes in the bedroom. “We’ve spent too much of our lives worrying about being judged or shamed,” she says. “Let’s apply this to sex too” — meaning speaking up about what you like and don’t like between the sheets, especially if what aroused you in the past doesn’t work for you anymore.

“We can do it in a loving way,” Price says. “‘Honey, I know I used to love being touched this way, but now it feels different to me and I’d love it if you’d touch me this way.’ Or even, ‘I’m not sure how I like to be touched — could we explore and I’ll give you feedback?’”

She adds: “You are doing your partner a favor by giving direction in a loving way.”

That also includes adding sex toys — along with lubricants to help with vaginal dryness — to the mix. “Don’t be shy about saying, ‘I will only have an orgasm if we bring my vibrator into this wonderful relationship,’” says Price. “One of my taglines is, ‘A well-chosen, well-placed vibrator may be the difference between orgasms and no orgasms.’”

She continues: “We have our best sex when we have enough intensity and sensation. Often bringing a vibrator into the mix, whether solo or becoming a threesome with your partner — you, me and the vibrator — can make sex sizzling and splendid.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to talk about kink with your vanilla partner

— Couples of all kinds grow together sexually.

By Beth Ashley

Most people who start a relationship expect — or at least hope — to align on important life elements. That’s why so many of us make sure to go over the basic, foundational bits like “Do you want kids?” “Do you want to get married?” and “Are you as career focused as I am?” during the dating stage. But often we forget to check on sexual compatibility before taking the plunge into a committed relationship, and by that, I don’t just mean having sex and thinking “Yep, that’s good sex.” Sexual compatibility goes much further than that.

According to sex educator and mental health expert Lola Jean, who facilitates classes in kink and BDSM, sexual compatibility also includes whether the two of you prioritise sex on the same level, have similar desires to have sex (in terms of frequency), are both good at sexual communication, enjoy similar sexual behaviours, and whether you’re both into (or not into) trying new things.

If you know you’re kinky from the get-go, this should also be laid on the table early on, when you first start discussing or having sex, with a conversation like “Hey, I’m into rough sex. Are you? Do you think you’d be into it if you tried?” Equally, if there’s something you’ve not tried but that has been on your mind to try for a while, you should bring that up, too.

This isn’t to say that all couples should have mind-blowing sex with equal pleasure that ticks everyone’s boxes on the first go or they should call it quits. In fact, that’s pretty unlikely, though possible. Couples of all kinds grow together sexually, and if any of your partner’s answers to your sexual compatibility questions are an awkward “ermmm no, no really,” it doesn’t mean the two of you are doomed. Humans are flexible and we change our minds. But we all have our deal breakers, our absolute “no-nos,” and that’s where things can get complicated.

This is why it’s so important not to gloss over this chat (no matter how awkward it is) and avoid ending up with mismatched levels of kinkiness.

How do I talk to my vanilla partner about kink?

If you did skip that first sexual compatibility course, don’t fret. It’s better late than never.

First, don’t assume your partner is “vanilla” — meaning, they like regular, non-kinky sex — because, so far, you’ve mostly done missionary. If you haven’t had a chat about kink before, there’s no way to tell they aren’t into it. Try not to make assumptions as you lead into this conversation or try to guess ahead of time what their reaction will be.

Schedule some time with your partner specifically to talk about sex and have the conversation somewhere where you’re comfortable. Often, it works well to have this conversation outside of the bedroom to remove any pressure. If you hang out together in your living room quite often, this could be a settling place to talk.

“You’re doing this together. It’s not just a case of ticking off a ‘yes or no’ list of kinks.” Jean tells Mashable that when we talk to our partners about introducing kink into the relationship, we shouldn’t lead by focusing on specific activities, like using handcuffs or trying spanking, for instance.

“Just leading with specific activities is limiting,” she says. There’s not a lot of room for compromise or discussion if we jump in with a super-specific situation.

Instead, “Talk about the goals or feelings you’re after,” she suggests. For instance, “maybe I want to be spanked so I can feel punished, but my partner doesn’t want the idea of hitting me. So we can discuss and find another way where I can feel punished.” Words like “explore” and “figure things out” can help you communicate, she says. “You’re doing this together. It’s not just a case of ticking off a ‘yes or no’ list of kinks.”

What if my partner is firm in their vanilla stance?

It happens! Vanilla people exist, and it’s not right to shame or try to change them. It might be that their vanilla nature comes from outdated ideas about sex, or it might be that they are just super into the simpler side of sex. Whatever the case, their style of sex is their own choice, just like everyone else’s.

Jean says the most important part of all of this is that you understand your desires don’t overrule your partner’s comfort. She tells Mashable, “Whether your desire is kink, or polyamory, etc, that is still your own desire, and your partner, no matter how much they love you, want to have sex with you, or think you’re the best thing since sliced bread, doesn’t have to do it with you.”

They are just desires, not rights. Your partner’s take on them just informs you of how or when you can act on them in the relationship.

If a kink is integral to you (perhaps it’s more of a fetish, meaning you struggle to get sexual pleasure without it?), Jean recommends seeing if your partner is open to giving it a go or trying something similar. But don’t pressure them. If they’re just not into it at all, or if they try it and don’t like it, but you find you still really need it from your relationship, then maybe that relationship isn’t for you.

“Sexual compatibility is important, but I don’t think it’s something that is innate,” says Jean. “It’s not about chemistry or attraction, it’s the ability to listen, understand, respond, and find different middle ground,” she says.

Once the initial conversation or conversations have been had, the next moves are really up to the vanilla person to explain what they’re comfortable exploring. “Just recognize it might take patience,” she says. “If you’ve figured out you’re kinky, there was probably a period of time where you didn’t know and it took you time, trial and error to figure things out.” Your partner should be afforded the same flexibility.

Should we open our relationship to solve this?

You can open your relationship if that’s something the two of you are genuinely interested in. But as Jean points out, “if someone isn’t getting what they want out of a relationship, that’s not a reason to have more relationships. You should be non monogamous because you want to be non monogamous, not because your partner is failing to meet your needs.”

A lot of people see opening the relationship as the only choice when you want to stay together but aren’t interested in the same kinks, but that isn’t the case. There are plenty of ways that you can also be monogamous and explore kink in a different way.

Kinks can actually be explored solo. From wax play to shibari to dominance, restraint, and nipple play, whatever you’re into or you’d like to give a go, a sexual partner isn’t necessary for exploration. “You can restrict yourself, you can deny yourself, you can impose a reward system or a punishment system, you can even do sensation play on yourself. And this is a great way to explore kink without your partner.”

What about hiring a helping hand?

There’s also the option of hiring a sex worker, like a professional kink instructor, to help you explore. “Hiring a professional is great if you want to stay monogamous but involve another person so you can experience kink,” says Jean. “There’s a professional boundary there which can make participants more comfortable, and you can work with the expert separately or as a couple.” It also means that you can explore with someone who knows what they’re doing and how to practise safely.

It might be that your partner doesn’t want to be directly involved in the kink but gets a thrill out of watching you engage in it, which is another way a professional can come in. Compromising in this sphere is all about trying different things, and working out what’s comfortable, fun, and pleasurable for both of you.

If you and your partner have different ideas about what sex should look like, whether you’re vanilla, a little kinky, or into hardcore BDSM, you don’t have to split up. But you cannot compromise beyond your boundaries, nor should you expect that of someone else. Have an open, honest conversation and be considerate of each other’s desires, needs, and no-go areas. Whatever the outcome ends up being for you both, it’s important to remember that no one has failed. Whether a relationship ends, opens, changes dynamic, or remains exactly the same, these are choices you’ve bravely made to protect each other’s happiness. And that’s exactly what partners should do.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You might be afraid of intimacy and not even know it

— Here are the signs and how to work through it

By Willa Hart

  • Intimacy can exist between family, friends, and partners, but a fear of intimacy is not uncommon.
  • A fear of intimacy can manifest through self-sabotage, loss of attraction, or avoiding vulnerability.
  • While a fear of intimacy is nothing to be ashamed of, it can often be overcome through therapy.

Intimacy can be as powerful as it is intimidating. And there are many examples of what fear of intimacy may look like — it doesn’t always involve romantic relationships and emotional intimacy.

Intimacy can exist between friends, family members, as well as romantic partners and there are many different types of intimacy.

A fear of intimacy usually results from a negative experience in childhood, says Stephen Hirsch, a psychotherapist at The Relationship Suite.

“Whether it’s an abusive parent or an alcoholic parent or divorce or whatever, something happens in a person’s early life to make [them] feel insecure in allowing themself to be vulnerable and get attached to somebody,” he says.

If you think you, or someone you know, might have a fear of intimacy, here are a few different signs to look for, as well as some tips for how to address intimacy issues.

Fear of intimacy is experienced on a spectrum, so everyone experiences it differently, says Gary Katz, a therapist and the founder of the Center for Intimacy Recovery.

Still, there are a few characteristic signs of avoiding intimacy that you can look out for, either in yourself or a partner. They include:

  • Serial dating: Serial dating doesn’t necessarily mean you’re afraid of intimacy. However, you may regularly go on first, second, or third dates, but find yourself unable to push past the early stages of a relationship, even if you want to.
  • Sidestepping meaningful conversations: If you fill your schedule with work or social engagements so that you don’t have time for deep conversations, this could keep your relationships from progressing to a more intimate stage.
  • Loss of physical interest in your partner as time goes on: After six months to a year of dating, you may lose physical interest in your partner(s), sometimes to the extent of being unable to achieve sexual arousal. This is a physical response to a fear of intimacy and rejection.
  • Avoiding emotional vulnerability: When you are given the opportunity to open up, you could retreat from the conversation out of a fear of vulnerability.
  • Self-sabotage: In order to avoid rejection down the line, you might subconsciously sabotage a relationship. This can be through small things, like carrying on with a habit your partner hates, or big things, like abruptly ending an otherwise healthy relationship.

Sometimes, people fear one type of intimacy but not others. For instance, people who are afraid of emotional intimacy but not physical intimacy may frequently have casual sex but not be comfortable with a longer-term relationship, Katz says.

On the other hand, someone who is afraid of physical intimacy but not emotional intimacy may avoid sex or disassociate during physically intimate interactions. This is often seen amongst sexual assault survivors, says Sari Cooper, a therapist and Director of the Center for Love and Sex.

Causes of a fear of intimacy

In most cases, a fear of intimacy starts in childhood, Hirsch says. And it all ties back to a feeling of rejection.

This feeling can either be the result of severe trauma, Katz says. For example, if one, or more, parents abandoned you, were alcoholics, or had a mental illness that impaired their ability to meet your needs, it probably prevented a strong, positive attachment between you and them.

Or your intimacy fears could be due to something less severe, Katz says. For instance, if your parents were preoccupied with their own mental health, stress, or long work hours, over your needs.

The bottom line is that if a child thinks their caregivers can’t or don’t want to meet their needs, the child may start to feel self-conscious — like something’s wrong with them. In the future, that could lead them to avoid opening up to others, because they fear additional rejection, Katz says.

One study suggests that rejection by parents as a child – and especially rejection by one’s mother – was strongly associated with fear of intimacy as an adult.

Alternately, Hirsch says that in some cases, children of closely-knit families may grow up feeling that they lack privacy and a sense of control over their lives. As adults, that can make them shy away from intimacy as they attempt to retain their agency.

How to overcome a fear of intimacy

Having a fear of intimacy is very common and nothing to be ashamed of. “We all have it on different levels,” Katz says.

If you want to overcome your fear of intimacy, the best option is therapy. This might include delving into your past to recognize your triggers, identifying the root cause(s) of a fear of intimacy, and developing a compassionate relationship with the hurt parts of your psyche, Cooper says.

If you’re in a relationship, couples therapy would also be appropriate.

“My gold standard for my clients is they’re in couples therapy with me and they each have their own individual therapist to work on themselves,” Hirsch says. “You do that individual work and bring it to the couples therapy and then 1+1 = 3.”

But Hirsch also acknowledges therapy is expensive, and this might not be an option for many. If you can’t attend simultaneous individual and couples therapy, try going to individual therapy first to work on your own past before attending couples therapy, Hirsch suggests.

Group therapy can also be a great option, Katz says, since it allows you to actively practice intimacy with your fellow group members while also exploring the source of your fear of intimacy.

In terms of modalities, Katz notes that certain types of body-based therapies might be best since they connect to your emotions. That could include somatic experience therapy, which involves practicing changing your physical responses to trauma, or sensorimotor psychotherapy, which is specialized for trauma and attachment issues.

But Hirsch says your main focus should be finding a therapist you connect with. “If you’re with somebody you feel really gets you, really understands you, really cares and really can help, overwhelmingly that’s the most important thing,” he says.

In your day-to-day, pay attention to when you’re willing to engage in intimacy and when you turn away, Katz says.

For instance, if you regularly turn down plans with friends, or pick up your phone instead of engaging in an emotional conversation with your partner, note those behaviors. Then make an effort to change them on a small scale.

“Slowly, over time, you’ll start to develop new neural pathways in your brain that are about connection and reach versus turning away and avoidance,” Katz says.

Insider’s takeaway

A fear of intimacy is very common. If you think you may experience this, pay attention to signs such as serial dating, self-sabotage, and pulling back in moments of emotional intimacy.

A fear of intimacy is nothing to be ashamed of, and if desired, it can be treated with individual, group, or couples therapy.

“Intimacy starts with being able to see all the parts of ourselves,” Katz says. “If I’m not going to look at them all, I’m not going to let anybody else in to look at them either, so it starts with becoming more familiar with the way I work, emotionally, intellectually, and then slowly allowing someone else to be able to see me, too.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Americans’ support for transgender rights has declined.

— Here’s why.

A sign outside a restroom in Durham, N.C., in May 2016.

The culture war over transgender rights is part of a fight over competing notions of gender and sexuality, including issues like abortion and sex education

by Kelsy Burke and Emily Kazyak

During the 2022 midterm election campaign, Republican public officials targeted transgender rights in what NPR and other news media have called the new front in the culture wars. Last month’s Public Religion Research Institute’s American Values Survey appears to offer confirmation, finding increased polarization on all measures of LGBTQ rights. In particular, Americans’ support for transgender rights has declined.

Public opinion on ‘bathroom bills’

Take one measure: whether laws should require transgender people to use bathrooms that correspond to their sex assigned at birth, not their current gender identity. In 2016, only 35 percent of all Americans favored these “bathroom bills,” the first of which was proposed that year in North Carolina. In 2022, after numerous other states proposed similar laws, the number of Americans supporting them rose to 52 percent.

The jump was especially pronounced for White evangelicals and Republicans. In 2016, only 41 percent of White evangelicals and 44 percent of Republicans supported the requirement that transgender people use bathrooms that aligned with their sex assigned at birth. By 2022, that number doubled to 86 percent and 87 percent, respectively.

Other groups also increased their opposition to transgender rights, but the rise was less dramatic for Democrats and Americans who are unaffiliated with religion. Only 27 percent of Democrats favored bathroom bills in 2016, compared with 31 percent in 2022. Among nonreligious respondents, support for requiring transgender people to use the bathroom that aligns with their sex assigned at birth increased from 21 percent in 2016 to 34 percent in 2022.

These numbers suggest that transgender issues are increasingly being lived out in polarizing ways among Americans — in other words, that the “culture wars” narrative holds true. As sociologists, we have sought to dig deeper than the quantitative findings to understand why Americans hold such diverging beliefs.

Gender logics

Using Nebraska as a case study, we asked residents to explain their views about transgender bathroom use in their own words.

The random sample of 938 mostly cisgender Nebraska residents who completed the mail survey were evenly split across this issue, with a slight majority (51 percent) saying transgender people should be required to use bathrooms that align with the sex they were assigned at birth. Like the latest PRRI national data, our respondents who were politically conservative and White evangelicals were more likely to oppose transgender rights on bathroom use.

In analyzing the 623 respondents who answered open-ended questions about “bathroom bills,” we found that support or opposition hinges on beliefs about the nature of gender itself. Sociologists have described these as believing in “static gender” (assigned at birth and unchanging) or “fluid gender” (can change over the life course and can manifest differently for different people).

Supporters of transgender rights believe in gender fluidity and take transgender people’s experiences seriously. These respondents reasoned that “people should live their lives as the way they identify themselves.” They argued that to deny transgender people the ability to use the bathroom aligned with their gender identity is “disrespectful,” “discriminating,” and “exposes them to needless humiliation.” Some supporters questioned why social life is organized around gender at all, and suggested gender-inclusive restrooms as an option that would allow everyone, transgender or cisgender, to “pee in peace,” as one of our respondents wrote.

In contrast, opponents of transgender rights see gender change as illegitimate and privilege cisgender people’s experiences. Respondents reason that “you cannot choose gender” and that “society should not be forced to recognize other categories than male and female.” Opponents also take for granted that social life should be organized by gender and position transgender people as threats to both the status quo and to cisgender people, especially women and children. To allow transgender people the ability to use the bathroom aligned with their gender identity is “dangerous to our children” and “an invasion of our privacy,” two respondents wrote.

The PRRI survey finds that Americans overall are more likely to view gender as static than as fluid (59 percent of adult Americans surveyed), dividing sharply along political and religious lines. In 2022, 87 percent of White evangelical Protestants say they believe there are only two genders, man or woman, compared with 68 percent of White mainline Protestants, 76 percent of Black Protestants, 70 percent of White Catholics, 51 percent of Hispanic Catholics, and 45 percent of nonreligious respondents. Eighty-eight percent of Republicans believe there are only two genders, man or woman, compared to 66 percent of independents and 36 percent of Democrats. These data reflect the broader political landscape, with White Protestant Republicans pushing anti-trans legislation.

The stakes of the culture wars

Though these findings obviously relate to transgender people, they implicate cisgender people, too. The culture war over transgender rights is part of a war over competing notions of gender and sexuality, and how those should be regulated in the social world. Thus, in 2022, we have observed simultaneous political attacks on transgender people, reproductive freedoms, and sex education. Americans are divided because we have fundamentally different vantage points over whose identities deserve protection and which experiences are to be prioritized and believed.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How BDSM helped me deal with sexual trauma

BDSM is far from the tool of self-destruction that it’s often depicted as in the media.

By Megan Wallace

When we’re asked what looking after our mental health looks like, most of us recite the same answer by rote. Talking therapy, medication for those who need it, and then that nebulous concept of “self care,” which nowadays means anything from journaling to eating well to buying expensive candles. But the reality is that no one’s mental health journey is going to look the same. Each person’s brain, trauma, and way of navigating the world is different and, as a result, individuals have long adopted more personalised ways of staying on top of their mental health, whether it’s exercise for stress or ice cold baths for anxiety. But for some, mental healing can come from a more unexpected place: the latex and leather of BDSM.

While I never thought it would work out this way, this has even been the case for me. Following a sexual assault in 2018 which happened on a busy street, one I still often pass, I found myself withdrawing from sex – feeling hugely disconnected from my body and partners, swallowing down the feeling of not wanting to be touched, counting down the time until any sexual encounter would stop in my head and sometimes crying uncontrollably afterwards. Even now, there are still times when I find intimacy so tough that I dissociate. For anyone who’s not sure what “dissociation” means in this context, let me explain. Basically, when I’m supposed to be “enjoying the moment” something bizarre occurs in my brain – it feels like I’ve extricated myself from my body and am floating, passively watching everything happening from the foot of the bed.

At the time, I never really wanted to talk about my experience in a formal way, but it would often come out as a jagged, hot-teared confession after one too many drinks. Probably, therapy would have been the answer (isn’t it always?) but I started looking for alternative solutions. Inspired by teenage years spent on Tumblr and a summer spent living and working in Berlin, where sex clubs were everywhere, I thought BDSM might be worth a shot. It was a whole culture celebrating around sex, one where all shame was left at the door and pleasure reigned supreme – what if it could help me work through some of baggage, I wondered. And as you’ve probably worked out by the title of this article, it was.

It was the fact that BDSM often involves a lot of up-front negotiations where you talk through and agree upon specific scenes or acts.

But the bit that helped me? Well, it wasn’t even the sex. Instead, it was the fact that BDSM often involves a lot of up-front negotiations where you talk through and agree upon specific scenes or acts. In practice, this means that a) you spend a lot of time talking and b) you kind of know how everything is going to pan out before you even get started. This proved to be a major relief to me after the shock and trauma of what had happened to me previously. It was also a way to begin to slowly trust someone, knowing that we basically had a verbal contract in place, instead of having to dive-in to intimacy. According to my partners at the time, I could never “let go” during sex so it was a huge relief that BDSM presented a judgement-free space of calm and control – even if, as a sub, I was supposedly the one giving up control.

Stripping away BDSM misconceptions

Admittedly, it’s a stereotype that if you’ve suffered from trauma you might gravitate towards BDSM – particularly when you look at depictions of kink in pop culture. Whether it’s the sexual assault that dominatrix Tiffany experiences in Netflix’s Bonding or the childhood abuse that Christian Grey mentions in Fifty Shades of Grey, TV and film writers are more than a little complicit in spreading the preconception, via clunky dialogue, that you’ve got to have suffered trauma to be into kink. But does this have any rooting in real life? Well, away from our screens, research has found a link between child abuse and developing an interest in sadism or masochism later in life. It’s important to remember though that the research here is scant and the link is far from definitive. However, if it does exist, we need to interrogate the ways that we talk and think about this correlation. Rather than viewing a tendency towards BDSM as a “perversion” of “normal” sexuality, what if we saw BDSM rituals as a form of harm reduction, a coping mechanism, or even a type of therapy?

“While participating in BDSM, I was able to look deep within, learn about exactly what I enjoy and what I want, and communicate these things openly and frankly to my partners.”

And while BDSM might be particularly associated with people who have been through a specific type of trauma, it can be helpful to people of many varied experiences. This is the case of Prish, a 25-year-old non-binary person who gravitated towards kink after a childhood where their boundaries and needs weren’t listened to or respected. Having struggled with codependent relationships as a result, it was through BDSM that they were able to connect with their desires and learn how to communicate them. “While participating in BDSM, I was able to look deep within, learn about exactly what I enjoy and what I want, and communicate these things openly and frankly to my partners,” they explain. “When these needs were listened to and respected, and when my pleasure was centred by the people who were domming me, this was incredibly healing.” Ultimately, being able to express what they wanted sexually has had a much wider positive impact. “I felt more empowered than I’d ever felt in my whole life; like I finally had some control over getting what made me happy — and I was able to expand this into other aspects of my life.”

Here, we can see that BDSM is far from the tool of self-destruction that it’s often depicted as in the media. Instead, it can be a way of working through intimate struggles, both sexual and emotional, with people you trust. While for some, it can be a life-long practice, for others it can be something to dip in and out of or to only turn to in a time of need. And different scenes can have different emotional impacts. This is the case for 24-year-old Hannah who, reeling from a serious breakup, staged a life-changing kink encounter. After being involved in BDSM for several years, she began speaking to someone she knew from the scene – and they were able to act out a long-held fantasy of hers. “One thing he’d done and I’d always wanted to try was sexual hunting: think predator/prey play but IRL. We met up for a drink beforehand to discuss boundaries and then the date rolled around for us to do the deed,” Hannah explains.

On the day of the planned encounter, Hannah and her play partner met up in a forest and she was given a “head start” as part of the scenario. This, as she explains, was where an emotional transformation began. “I felt such an exhilarating rush from being chased, like I was running away from my problems,” she says. “It was like I was stepping out of my skin and my sadness.” As per their agreement, Hannah was then “caught” and they both had sex – leading her to an emotional breakthrough. “He asked me what my ex would think if he knew I was doing this and in that moment, I knew I didn’t care anymore. It was so cleansing and cathartic and it gave me the space and sexual confidence to move on with my life — I’ll always be grateful for it.”

Both Prish and Hananh’s experiences focus on the emotional aspect of BDSM, its use as a tool that allowed them to reframe negative experiences and mindsets and reclaim power. While this is their personal experience, there’s even a fledgling line of research that backs it up, looking at how individuals are using kink as a form of trauma recovery. And it’s not too much of a stretch to see how BDSM sometimes mimics techniques seen in talking therapy – Gestalt therapy may even include “role playing” sessions, after all. But while we know that BDSM might be helpful to some people, is there a way to seek it as part of a recognised mental health treatment plan?

How BDSM can be therapeutic

Well, we’re a long way off from seeing BDSM listed as a fully-funded alternative therapy on the NHS website. However, some work has actually already started among mental health professionals willing to explore kink and the role it plays in people’s lives and emotional states. There are more and more kink-positive and BDSM-informed therapists out there and, excitingly, there’s even a growing number of BDSM therapists who combine traditional talking therapy with BDSM sessions. Among these is the conscious kink facilitator and qualified counsellor Divine Theratrix, who offers potential clients the option of  integrative talking therapy, somatic healing sessions and animal play classes in order to allow individuals to “get out of their head and into their body in playful and tactile ways.”

The beauty of BDSM is that it’s always been about connecting our physical and emotional selves.

Also going by the name Lara, Divine Theratrix was first inspired to use BDSM as a tool in her work after thinking about how the mind impacts the body. “In addition to being trained as a traditional integrative therapist, I embarked on further studies into the relatively new field of somatic psychology and became convinced that touch could be a missing piece for some people on a journey of trauma healing,” she explains. Somatic psychology focuses on how the body impacts the mind, and has been explored practically through somatic therapies which focus on the body. These techniques focus on regulation of your nervous system (which can become stuck in fight or flight responses) and on creating bodily awareness, and are particularly useful for people with trauma or PTSD.

Obviously, there are plenty of different physical aspects to BDSM and you might not have thought before about how these might impact your brain, but they do. Take one of the most commonly known parts of BDSM: impact play, where your skin is hit with a hand, paddle or whip. While it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, scientists have shown that it has a positive impact on kinksters’ mental health – individuals may have lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol after a kink session.

But if we step aside from all this technical stuff, the beauty of BDSM is that it’s always been about connecting our physical and emotional selves. Whether it’s the feel of latex on the skin or the psychological thrill of power play, kink connects us to our bodies, our instincts and allows us to fully embody our emotions. As Lara puts it: “When the mind and body work together, the learning tends to be more impactful.”

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Here are 3 Ways To Improve Your Sex Life’

By Zoë Kors

I had a ten-year sexless marriage in my twenties. There, I said it. I married a man I loved dearly. He was loving, funny, and gorgeous, but the thought of having sex with him made my skin crawl. Eventually, I left.

What was missing for me, where gynecology and therapy fell short, was that I gained no understanding of how my emotional relationship with my husband affected my physical relationship with him. I was still left wondering how a healthy, educated, self-aware young woman who loved her husband had inexplicably lost her sex drive. This set me on a lifelong path of exploring the true nature of sexuality.

My extensive exploration included reading and researching the fields of psychology, neuroscience, meditation, and mysticism. It wasn’t until ten years later that my personal mission became my professional calling. When I opened my private practice as a sex coach, what surprised me most was the nearly universal disorientation inside the topic of sex. Conversation after conversation led me to realize how little most of us know about our bodies, our minds, and our hearts when it comes to our intimate relationships.

It’s only now that I am able to look back and see the micro and the macro of my relationship with my husband, in and out of bed, and recognize that skillful navigation of our sexual relationship would have spared us both a decade of suffering inside what was otherwise a loving and respectful partnership.

More than a dozen years on and having worked with thousands of clients, I am able to help others navigating the mysterious landscape of sex and intimacy. Whether it’s desire discrepancy, low or non-existent sex drive, or just plain boredom in the bedroom, I find myself saying what I wished I heard all those years ago, “There’s a way out. It doesn’t have to be like this.” Here are my three secrets to improving your sex life:

Stop making orgasm the goal of sex

Don’t get me wrong, orgasms are great. If we all had more orgasms, I’m sure the world would be a better place—especially women, for whom “the orgasm gap” is real. However, when we mistake orgasms to be the goal of sex, we miss the opportunity to experience all kinds of pleasure along the way.

Something I ask my clients to do is take the possibility of orgasm off the table for a predetermined period of time—usually two to four weeks. Whether they are having partnered or solo sex, I encourage them to continue to engage in sex but to stop short of having orgasms. In doing so, I invite them to explore their relationship with pleasure.

My client, Kate, had a history of struggling to reach orgasm with a partner, an issue she didn’t encounter when she was with herself. She reached out to me when she had entered into a new relationship and didn’t want to fall into her familiar pattern of not being able to have an orgasm during sex and all the compensating behaviors, including faking orgasms to spare her partner’s ego. I had her invite her partner into a “pleasure laboratory” in which they experimented with giving each other all kinds of pleasure while stopping short of orgasm. What they found was life-altering, as Kate put it. Not only did she find a new level of pleasure, but she reported finally being able to “get out of her head” during sex. Shortly after she and her partner ended their orgasm moratorium, she climaxed for the first time ever with a partner.

I have observed that when we slow down and give our bodies a chance to open-up gradually to the natural stages of arousal, we also give our minds the opportunity to process and be present with what is happening moment to moment.

Master Your Instrument

When I was in high school, my girlfriends and I had a book called, “Our Bodies Ourselves” published by the Boston Women’s Health Book Collective. It was like an owner’s manual for our young evolving bodies. It gave me a good start to understanding my body and how it worked, but, years later, when my sex drive inexplicably disappeared and I was struggling in my sexless marriage, one thing that would have helped me would have been to have an even greater depth of knowledge, not just about my anatomy but my physiology.

When it comes to sex, knowledge is power. There are plenty of sources for science-based information at our fingertips about the physiology of sex.

Beyond what you can learn about your sexual response cognitively, learning about your body experientially will directly contribute to your enjoyment of sex. My client Grace is a good example of how this works. Grace was raised to believe that sex before marriage is dangerous and immoral. Masturbation was warned against as well. When Grace became an adult, though she remained close to her family, she rejected many of the values and perspectives from her childhood.

After college, she moved across the country, launched her career, met someone, and got engaged. It was then that she reached out to me because she felt intimidated by having sex with her partner, who was much more experienced. Her partner was a generous lover and asked her regularly about her sexual preferences; what she likes and how to touch her. Grace didn’t have answers to any of these questions. Although she didn’t believe self-pleasure was philosophically wrong, it wasn’t something she did often and even when she did, she felt conflicted, guilty, or a little embarrassed.

I invited Grace to create a pleasure laboratory all for herself. By exploring her body—in its entirety, not just her genitals—she would be able to learn how her body responded to various types of touch. Just like with Kate, I suggested she see the experience of sensation as the goal in the lab, and to remove orgasm as the destination. Each session should last at least 30 minutes before climax, giving her plenty of time to feel fully her stages of arousal.

Grace came back to me after two weeks of intentional self-pleasure with a completely new outlook. She reported that until that time, she hadn’t even known what her body was capable of feeling. She said she felt like an entirely new version of herself.

Grace then took her discoveries to her partner and invited her to join in the experiments. Not only was she able to answer her partner’s questions, but together they found answers to even more questions they didn’t know to ask.

Our ability to connect powerfully with each other is magnified exponentially when we master own instrument and mutually share that information with our lovers.

Start scheduling sex

Hollywood often has us believing that sex has to be spontaneous in order to be good. That the “tear each other’s clothes off” sex is the way it’s always supposed to look.

Many of us likely did have spontaneous sex early in our relationships, before living together and responsibilities such as shared bills, kids and chores became part of the equation. We rarely feel the kind of insatiable and simultaneous desire for each other that we did early on.

My second husband and I solve this problem by scheduling sex. It’s not that we don’t have spontaneous sex, it is that we intentionally create opportunities for spontaneity to happen. If you think about it, that’s exactly what we did when we were dating: we carved out time to devote to each other. We anticipated that time with excitement, made plans, showered, dressed, put down our devices, and focused on each other. We created the conditions in which desire, and great sex, could flourish.

Now, many years later, we continue to do the same thing by scheduling sex. Doing so sends a signal to ourselves and each other that we care enough to nourish a very tender and delicious aspect of our relationship.

No matter who you are and who you like to have sex with, I believe that the key to having a great sex life is to form a deeply intimate relationship with ourselves first. We can meet each other only to the extent that we can meet ourselves. While it can be challenging to form an organically healthy relationship with this very tender part of ourselves, taking the time to get intimate with ourselves allows us to share and receive each other in a way that make sex profoundly more intimate.

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Same-Sex Couples Deal With Stress Better Than Different-Sex Couples

— Not only that, same-sex marriages tend to be slightly happier than different-sex marriages.

Understanding the dynamics of same-sex relationships could hold some benefits for all couples dealing with martial problems.

By Tom Hale

Same-sex married couples often cope with stress in a healthier and more collaborative way than different-sex couples, according to a new study. The researchers argue that this is perhaps because homosexual couples face unique problems, including stigma, and may receive less support from wider family and traditional institutions compared to heterosexual couples.

To reach these findings, sociologists from the University of Texas at Austin analyzed survey responses of 419 middle-aged couples in both same- and different-sex marriages living in Massachusetts.

The researchers studied their relationships in terms of dyadic coping, the processes through which couples manage stress together through joint problem-solving, communicating empathy, expressing solidarity, and redistributing responsibilities in response to the problem. They also measured negative dyadic coping, in which a spouse reacts ambivalently or even hostilely in response to the other’s stress.

The study notes that women are generally more engaged in dyadic coping compared to men in heterosexual relationships. However, when it came to same-sex partnerships, both men and women were found to be more likely to work together to cope with stress, compared to their counterparts in different-sex marriages.

“While women married to women receive the most positive coping support from their partners, women married to men receive the most negative dyadic coping. Unlike men and women in same-sex marriages, men and women in different-sex marriages are less likely to work toward coping with stress together,” the study concludes. 

Furthermore, same-sex marriages were reported to have slightly higher marital quality than same-sex ones, just as previous research has hinted.

“This research shows that while there are some gender differences in dyadic coping efforts, the effects of supportive and collaborative dyadic coping as well as of negative dyadic coping on marital quality are the same for all couples,” Yiwen Wang, lead study author and a PhD candidate in UT Austin’s Department of Sociology, said in a statement.

“Our findings also emphasize the importance of coping as a couple for marital quality across different relationship contexts, which can be an avenue through which couples work together to strengthen relationship well-being,” added Wang.

The researchers explain that not nearly the same quantity of research into dyadic coping has been carried out on same-sex relationships. However, understanding the dynamics of these relationships could hold some real benefits for all couples dealing with problems.

“Same-sex couples face unique stressors related to discrimination and stigma. Coping as a couple may be especially important for them as they do not receive as much support from extended family, friends, or institutions as different-sex couples do,” added Debra Umberson, a professor of sociology at UT Austin.

“Including same-sex spouses and looking at how they work with each other to manage stress as compared to different-sex spouses can help us better understand the ways in which gender dynamics unfold in marriages,” Umberson said.

The new study was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.

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Why is the clit so sensitive?

Thanks to over 10,000 nerves, first real count finds

The first-ever real count of nerve fibers in the human clitoris indicates that they are over 10,000 in number, significantly more than previous estimates suggested.

By Clarissa Brincat

  • Researchers sought to quantify the number of nerve fibers that innervate the human clitoris by analyzing samples of clitoral nerve tissue from human volunteers.
  • They found that the human clitoris contains 10,281 nerve fibers on average, which exceeds a previous estimate based on a study in cows.
  • A better understanding of human clitoral innervation has ramifications for many areas of medical practice, including gender-affirming surgery and repair of the dorsal clitoral nerve after genital mutilation or surgical injury.

The clitoris — a pleasure-producing sexual organ that is located where the labia minora (inner lips) meet and extends along both sides of the vagina — is the female equivalent of the penis.

In fact, the clitoris originates from the same mass of tissue in the embryo that gives rise to the penis.

Although it carries the same importance in sexual functioning, the clitoris has been less widely studied than its male counterpart.

Overturning outdated assumptions

Researchers are aware that the clitoris has a substantial supply of nerves — cordlike structures composed of nerve fibers (or axons) — that conduct signals between the brain and spinal cord and other parts of the body.

However, the number of nerve fibers within the human clitoris has never been officially quantified. The most often-cited claim is that the clitoris has “8,000 nerve endings,” but this figure originates from a bovine study mentioned in a book titled The Clitoris, which appeared in 1976.

To rectify this outdated piece of essential information, a study led by the Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU) examined tissue samples of the dorsal nerve of the clitoris in an effort to quantify the number of nerve fibers innervating the human clitoris.

The dorsal nerve, which consists of two symmetrical, tube-like structures, is the main nerve responsible for clitoral sensation.

The researchers presented the results of this first known count of human clitoral tissue at a scientific conference hosted by the Sexual Medicine Society of North America and the International Society for Sexual Medicine on October 27, 2022. A detailed paper explaining the study will appear in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

“[T]his [study] highlights the broad scope of knowledge gaps that are present within vulvar health. These fundamental gaps […] ultimately do result in significant consequences for patients,” Dr. Maria Uloko, study co-author and assistant professor of urology at the University of California, San Diego, told Medical News Today.

“There are numerous statistics regarding the difficulty of access to care for common vulvar conditions, [which] lead to significant healthcare cost[s] to patients as well as the healthcare system. We are talking [about] billions of dollars spent on vulvar and urinary conditions alone. And the societal cost of the psychological symptoms associated with just trying to get a diagnosis really can’t be quantified but they are quite high. This research is the start of reassessing what we know about the vulva and filling in those knowledge gaps.”

– Dr. Maria Uloko

10, 281 nerve fibers on average

The researchers obtained clitoris tissue samples from seven transmasculine volunteers who were undergoing a gender-affirming surgical procedure known as phalloplasty.

During a phalloplasty, surgeons use tissues taken from the person’s clitoris and other body parts to construct a functional penis.

The researchers looked at one half of the dorsal nerve, magnifying it 1,000 times under a microscope, and used image analysis software to count the individual nerve fibers.

In each sample, they found 5,140 nerve fibers on average. Since the dorsal clitoral nerve is symmetrical, they multiplied this number by two, concluding that the average dorsal nerve of the clitoris contains 10,281 nerve fibers, with a possible count ranging from 9,852 to 11,086.

This result is about 20% higher than the conventional estimate of 8,000 nerve fibers.

To put the findings in perspective, study coauthor Dr. Blair Peters, an assistant professor of surgery at the OHSU School of Medicine and a plastic surgeon who specializes in gender-affirming care, notes that:

“Even though the hand is many, many times larger than the clitoris, the median nerve [which runs through the wrist and hand] only contains about 18,000 nerve fibers, or fewer than two times the nerve fibers that are packed into the much-smaller clitoris.”

Study implications

The researchers believe that establishing the number of fibers in the dorsal clitoral nerve is an important step in the understanding of clitoral innervation and sexual response.

It should also draw attention to the need for more education, research, and funding attributed to studying the clitoris.

“Importantly, there are few options available to people who have suffered nerve damage to the clitoris and researchers should build on this work to be able to better treat these conditions. It should [equally] importantly be seen that this work came from trans people and is for people of all genders,” Dr. Peters told MNT.

One field that will benefit from the results of this study is clitoral reconstruction following female genital mutilation (FGM). There have been several reports of injury to the clitoris and its nerves as a result of FGM.

The researchers hope that their findings will lead to new surgical techniques to repair injured nerves.

Dr. Bahir Edouard Elias, a plastic, esthetic and reconstructive surgeon specializing in the field of surgical reconstruction after FGM, who did not contribute to the current research, told MNT that this “excellent study […] will be of great help” in that area.

Dr. Peters believes that the results of this study will improve sensory outcomes for transgender patients undergoing phalloplasty as the surgeon can better select which nerves to connect during the procedure.

The researchers are also hopeful that their findings could help reduce accidental nerve injuries during elective female genital cosmetic surgery. However, Dr. John G Hunter, professor of clinical surgery at Weill Cornell Medicine and attending plastic surgeon at New York-Presbyterian Hospital, expressed some skepticism in his comments to MNT.

“As [a] surgeon who has performed over 1,000 labiaplasties, with clitoral hood alteration in approximately half, my patients virtually never report negative ‘sexual function’ consequences from the procedure postoperatively,” he said.

“This is supported by published literature. But this is subjective, and follow-up is rarely longer than 4–6 months for labia minora (inner lip) reduction. Gender-reaffirming surgery is entirely different. It also includes much more psychological overtones,” he added.

According to Dr. Hunter, “[m]ore studies are needed, but [it is uncertain] that one will ever be able to correlate gross anatomical findings with functional — especially erotic/ sensory — findings in genital anatomy.”

Study limitations and next steps

When asked about the study’s limitations, Dr. Peters noted that the study had a small cohort and only one sample was collected from each participant.

Furthermore, all participants were on testosterone therapy. While hormone therapy should not impact nerve fiber count, the analysis of tissue samples from individuals who are not on exogenous hormones would support the study.

Another limitation, Dr. Peters pointed out, is that “the total number [of nerve fibers] was calculated assuming bilateral symmetric innervation” — that is, that the dorsal nerve is symmetrical.

The researchers also noted that the study focuses on myelinated nerve fibers in the dorsal clitoral nerve. Since unmyelinated nerve fibers and other nerves in the clitoris were not counted, the result of this study likely underestimates the number of nerve fibers in the human clitoris.

In the future, Dr. Peters would like to conduct similar studies on the penis glans (or head), with the hope of shedding more light on the two organs and aiding surgeons in creating a functional clitoris for transgender patients.

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New theory suggests female orgasms are an evolutionary leftover

Having bad sex? Don’t blame yourself or your partner—blame evolution

Not switching off

By Elizabeth Pennisi

Billy Crystal may have been shocked when Meg Ryan so effectively—and amusingly—faked an orgasm in a restaurant during the 1989 movie When Harry Met Sally, but surveys suggest only one-third of women are regularly fully aroused during intercourse. And although poor partner performance, psychological issues, or physiological shortfalls are often cited as the reason, two evolutionary biologists now offer a provocative new explanation. In a paper published today, they argue that female orgasm is an evolutionary holdover from an ancient system, seen in some other mammals, in which intercourse stimulated important hormonal surges that drive ovulation.

Humans and other primates don’t need intercourse to trigger ovulation—they evolved to a point where it happens on its own—but the hormonal changes accompanying intercourse persist and fuel the orgasms that make sex more enjoyable, the biologists hypothesize. And because those hormonal surges no longer confer a biological advantage, orgasms during intercourse may be lost in some women. This explanation “takes away a lot of stigma” of underwhelming sexual relations, says one of the authors, Mihaela Pavlićev, of Cincinnati Children’s Hospital in Ohio.

The new work addresses what David Puts, a biological anthropologist at Pennsylvania State University, University Park, calls “one of the most contentious questions in the study of the evolution of human sexuality: whether women’s orgasm has an evolutionary function.” There are more than a dozen theories about the evolution of orgasms, most proposed decades or more ago. They include arguments that women have orgasms because their reproductive machinery has the same origins as those of men, who need to have orgasms to ejaculate sperm. Others think orgasms are an evolutionary novelty that persists because it helps foster loyal partners. Some have proposed that female orgasms induce physiological changes that increase the chances of conception, but there’s no strong evidence that women who have more have increased fecundity.

Orgasm itself may have no evolutionary function, but it is derived from a key part of the reproductive cycle, Pavlićev and her colleague propose today in the Journal of Experimental Zoology Part B: Molecular and Developmental Evolution. Pavlićev didn’t start out studying orgasms. To better understand the evolution of reproduction, she was compiling data on the ovarian cycle in different mammal species. During this cycle, cells destined to become eggs mature, escape from the ovary, and travel down the reproductive tract. She discovered that in some species, environmental factors control egg maturation and subsequent ovulation; in others, such as rabbits, sexual intercourse with a male or even just his presence causes the release of the egg. In either case, a series of changes involving the hormones oxytocin and prolactin are triggered that cause the egg to mature and migrate. In humans and other primates, the ovulatory cycle has become spontaneous, generally on a set schedule that requires neither an environmental trigger nor a male. Pavlićev then realized that women still undergo the same hormonal changes as species with induced ovulation, but during orgasm.

To see whether induced ovulation was the evolutionary predecessor of orgasms—in a similar way that fins were ancestral to limbs—she and Günter Wagner, an evolutionary biologist from Yale University, first needed to see whether induced ovulation predated spontaneous ovulation in evolutionary history. Their literature search showed that environmental- and male-induced ovulation are found in earlier evolving mammals and spontaneous ovulation appears in later species, including our own. They also noticed another change. In earlier mammals, the clitoris, which is so often key to a woman’s orgasm, tends to be part of the vagina—guaranteeing that intercourse stimulated this organ and kick-started ovulation. But in later arising species, particularly primates, the clitoris has moved ever farther away from the vagina, even out of reach of an inserted penis. “A shift in the position of the clitoris is correlated with the loss of intercourse-induced ovulation,” says Martin Cohn, an evolutionary developmental biologist at the University of Florida in Gainesville. “Their hypothesis shifts the focus of the research question from the evolutionary origin of orgasm as an evolutionary novelty, which has long been presumed but not demonstrated, to the evolutionary modification of an ancestral character.”

Pavlićev and Wagner’s theory helps explain why female orgasms during intercourse are relatively rare. “It is new to use [this] innovative, Darwinian approach to understand one of the mysteries of human sexuality—why the male orgasm is warranted, easy-to-reach, and strictly related to reproduction and the female counterpart [is] absolutely not,” says Emmanuele Jannini, an endocrinologist at University of Rome Tor Vergata. The nonnecessity of orgasms for reproduction may also explain why women’s reproductive tracts vary a lot more than men’s—there are fewer constraints, he adds.

Jannini and others point out, however, that this theory needs more confirmation. So far, it deals only with the parallels between the hormonal surges in females during male-induced ovulation and orgasm, but has not looked to see whether there are also parallels in the neurological components of these activities, says Elisabeth Lloyd, a philosopher of science at Indiana University, Bloomington, who was not involved with this work. And because it’s so difficult to assess whether other mammals feel the pleasure associated with orgasms, the work can only ever address the evolution of some of the components of female orgasm, Puts notes.

Others more strongly criticized the new explanation. Two behavioral neuroendocrinologists, Michael Baum from Boston University and Kim Wallen from Emory University in Atlanta, tell Science that Pavlićev and Wagner misinterpret some previously published results and do not have the details about the hormonal changes during ovulation and orgasm correct. “Their hypothesis remains a good hypothesis,” Wallen says. “But I’m not very convinced by the data they marshal.”

Lloyd says the work drives home how much more we need to learn about female sexuality in other organisms. Wagner and Pavlićev concede that more data are needed to firm up their theory, though for now they have no plans to follow up themselves. Cohn predicts others will pick up the baton. “Pavlićev and Wagner have taken a fascinating, creative, and thoughtful approach to a problem that has been investigated by many but resolved by few,” he says. “I suspect that many investigators will be stimulated to further test the hypotheses raised in this paper.”

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What Does It Mean To Be Bigender?

Experts Explain The Gender Identity

For starters, it *doesn’t* mean you’re bisexual.

By Emily Becker

Gender is a spectrum, so there are a ton of ways you can choose to identify yourself—a.k.a. you’re not limited to just “female” and “male.” In addition to terms like non-binary, genderfluid, and pangender becoming more commonly used, one term you may also have been hearing recently is “bigender.”

In its most basic definition, being bigender means that you identify with having two genders. What those two genders are and how those two genders show up in the way you express yourself is entirely up to you—and isn’t the same from one bigender individual to another. As a gender identity (as opposed to a sexual identity or orientation), the term also doesn’t indicate who someone might be attracted to.

If you’re looking to learn more about the topic, here’s everything you need to know about what it means to be bigender, including how someone might express their bigender identity and how you can support the bigender community, according to expert sources.

What does it mean to be bigender?

Within the definition of bigender, there are many ways to experience the identity, and anyone who identifies as two genders (regardless of what those two genders are) would fall on the bigender spectrum.

“It is important to recognize that just because someone identifies with two genders does not mean those gender identities are man and woman. Being bigender can also include non-binary identities, for example, male and agender, or agender and androgenous, etc.” says Erynn Besser, LCPC and AASECT-certified sex therapist. “There are many different gender identities with which people may identify within the bigender identity.”

The bigender identity is usually grouped under the umbrella of non-binary (more on that later). “To be bigender means having two gender identities that can be experienced and expressed separately, or that can blend and be experienced simultaneously,” explains Paula Leech, LMFT, an AASECT-certified sex therapist. How a person experiences and expresses their two genders can also be dependent on different situations, adds sex therapist Alex Chinks, PsyD.

During times when someone may appear to be expressing one gender exclusively, it’s important to recognize that the second gender doesn’t just disappear from their identity during those times. “You may see a bigender individual who dresses and ‘appears’ completely cis-gendered,” Chinks explains. “That does not mean that their other gender identity is not a part of them and who they are.” Got that down?

What is the difference between bigender, non-binary, genderfluid, pangender, and bisexual?

While these are all terms that you might hear in a similar context as bigender, they are all their own unique identities.

  • Non-binary: Someone who is non-binary feels their experience of their gender does not feel like an accurate reflection of the gender they were assigned at birth, specifically male or female, says Leech. It is also a larger category of gender identities under which bigender falls.
  • Genderfluid: Someone who identifies as genderfluid would see gender as more of an expansive, ever-changing concept, Leech explains. For a genderfluid person, gender identity is an idea that is constantly shifting as they grow.
  • Pangender: While someone who is bigender feels they identify as two genders, someone who is pangender feels they encompass multiple, or even all genders, according to Leech.
  • Bisexual: A sexual orientation, someone who is bisexual experiences “sexual and/or romantic attraction to people who are of the same gender and people who have a different gender than your own,” Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, a sex educator and researcher based in Atlanta previously told Women’s Health. This means someone could be both bigender and bisexual, but they don’t have to be.

What does being bigender look like?

Because the bigender experience can vary greatly (like all gender identities, TBH), there’s no one way to express being bigender, and you should celebrate your identity in the way that feels best for you.

“It is important to recognize that each person’s expression of their gender identity is unique to them, and there is no ‘right’ way for someone to express their gender identity, including the amount of time one expresses a particular identity,” says Besser. Plus, those who have a bigender identity may express their multiple identities at the same time or separately.

Someone who is bigender may display that identity through dress and use of pronouns, explains Chinks, who also adds that “it is important to remember the fluid nature that can arise with being bigender, meaning that an individual may use one set of pronouns at one point in time or in one situation, and another at another point.”

Simply put, there’s no one set of pronouns that a bigender person typically uses. Instead of guessing based on appearance, your best bet is to ask someone which pronouns they prefer.

Signs that you might be bigender:

While the term is a relatively new way to express gender identity, there are certainly people who have had feelings of being bigender long before there was a word to describe it. The following list includes some (though certainly not all) of the ways you can experience being bigender, if you’re curious:

  1. You move between two distinct ways of expressing yourself. This can be how you display emotionally, psychologically, physically, and/or spiritually, Leech says.
  2. You experience gender dysphoria. Chinks explains the idea of gender dysphoria as the feeling that “the way I feel inside is not aligning with my outward or biologically-assigned gender.” The concept used to be strongly associated with someone who is transgender, Chinks adds, but in terms of the bigender identity, someone might be born male and be comfortable with that male identity, but also feel like there is a feminine side to their gender identity that needs to be honored, too.
  3. You have feelings of gender euphoria. According to Besser, gender euphoria is “a feeling of joy, empowerment, and comfort when your gender identity and expression is affirmed.” For bigender individuals, this could be when you start to display two sides of your gender and it finally feels like something clicks for you.

How to support bigender loved ones and greater community:

No matter your personal gender identity, there are ways that you can do your part to make your communities more inclusive:

  • Don’t make assumptions. You may have a close friend or family member who is bigender, but that doesn’t mean you know what they’re going through at all times. Leech says that it’s important not to let previous experience or generalizations prevent you from “being curious, really learning about [the identity], and coming to understand the person in front of you and what they uniquely need.”
  • Ask questions. The best way to find out how you can support someone or what they need from you? Ask. Especially when it comes to which pronouns they prefer. This is much more respectful than assuming you know the answer, Chinks explains.
  • Learn more. It’s not on someone who is bigender to teach you everything about the identity. “Become an ally by doing your own education in order to avoid education burdening,” says Besser. There are plenty of resources online to get you started. (Like this comprehensive and expert-approved gender identity list on Women’s Health.)
  • State your pronouns. When you start a Zoom meeting by stating your pronouns or include them in your email signature, you are “opening the door” for those who are bigendered or non-binary to share theirs, Chinks explains. This, in turn, helps to normalize the idea that gender is a spectrum, a spectrum on which everyone is just trying to understand their place.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Oh Cum On

— Why Are Men Having More Orgasms Than Women in Heterosexual Relationships?

By Nicole Andrejek

Sex researchers consistently find that men are having far more orgasms than women when it comes to heterosexual sexual encounters.

This is called the gender gap in orgasms, or the orgasm gap. There are many myths and assumptions about why women orgasm less. Some of the more popular ones are that women take too much time to reach orgasm, women don’t actually care about having an orgasm, that getting a woman to orgasm takes more work and they’re harder to please.

But are women’s orgasms really too much work and, if not, why is this belief so prevalent?

Insights from the ‘Sex in Canada’ project

I recently published a study alongside sociologists Tina Fetner and Melanie Heath that questions these assumptions about women’s ability and desire to orgasm.

We used data from our nationally representative Sex in Canada survey to establish that there is a gender gap in orgasms — 86 per cent of cisgender men reported having an orgasm in their most recent heterosexual sexual encounter, compared to 62 per cent of cisgender women.

What reduced the gap among our sample? Oral sex.

The notion that women generally require some form of clitoral stimulation in order to reach orgasm has been documented by a number of sexualities researchers, but what’s unclear is why the gap persists despite knowing the importance of clitoral stimulation for women.

To understand this discrepancy, we conducted in-depth interviews with adult men and women across Canada to examine the underlying beliefs and feelings that deters couples from engaging in the types of sexual activities that would make it more likely for women to reach orgasm.

The role of gender essentialism

One of the reigning myths that helps maintain the orgasm gap is that there are inherent gender differences for why men and women have sex. Women are expected to inherently desire emotional connection and men are expected to inherently need physical release.

So feeling emotionally connected to one’s partner and whether women orgasm become mutually exclusive. This way of thinking isn’t new or isolated to the bedroom.

These explanations are what social scientists call “gender essentialism” — the belief that there are natural, biological and physical differences between men and women.

Gender essentialist beliefs have been used to justify a variety of gender inequalities, for example, those that attempt to solidify traditional gender distinctions that women belong in the home and men belong in workforce.

If we took essentialist beliefs at face value, it would seem that women simply don’t want to orgasm since they require emotional connection over sexual pleasure. But is it really the case that women don’t want to orgasm during partnered sex with men?

Our research suggests that these beliefs about women’s orgasms have less to do with women’s inherent inability or lack of desire to orgasm, and more to do with the way gender norms shape and limit expectations.

The role of heteronormativity

The orgasm gap is not just about gender, it’s also about heteronormativity. Our participants defined “regular sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse. This definition means that our participants see sex as being centred on stimulation of the penis, rather than the clitoris.

Our study shows that heteronormative conception of “regular sex” results in other sexual practices that prioritize clitoral stimulation — like oral sex — as alternative sexual practices to the main event.

It also means that other sexual practices feel like extra work, separate, time-consuming and challenging, despite supporting women’s likelihood of achieving orgasm.

Bad feelings about potentially great sex for women

A consequence of the belief that sex is about “emotional connection” for women, and defining what it means to “have sex” as penile-vaginal intercourse, is that it limits the types of sexual practices women engage in, and these beliefs shape the feelings women have about other types of sexual practices.

For instance, some of our participants described other sexual practices, especially oral sex, as unnatural, bad or dirty.

As succinctly exemplified by our participant, Kathy: “I don’t do oral sex. It can be very pleasurable, but it feels wrong, it just makes me feel dirty.”

Women’s bad feelings about engaging in the types of sex that might bring them more physical pleasure shows the strength of the sexual double standard in which women are judged more harshly than men and taught to self-regulate their sexual desires and behaviours.

Putting sex on the agenda for gender equality

Beliefs about women’s bodies, what women want from sex and what it means to have sex in the first place all help justify why women aren’t reaching orgasm when having sex with men.

Fights for gender equality have tackled and refuted many gender essentialist beliefs, and yet the longstanding orgasm gap shows how gender essentialist beliefs still have a strong hold on the domain of heterosexual sexual encounters.

The orgasm gap highlights the ways in which gender inequality emerges even in the most seemingly private and personal encounters in heterosexual relationships.

Like other gender gaps, it is important to continue pushing past individual explanations and understand the gender gap in orgasms as a form of gender inequality.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!