Month: September 2022

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How to Have Good (and Safe!) Sex in College

From prioritizing pleasure to planning ahead.

By Cathryne Keller

Sexual freedom and exploration can be one of the most exciting parts of the transition to college life: Living on campus can put you in a hyper-horny environment in which the things you’ve only wondered or fantasized about are now possibilities to explore. As exhilarating as that may sound, though, it can also be a bit overwhelming—especially if you’re new to living on your own or starting to be sexually active for the first time.

Not to kill the mood, but much like coming up with a studying schedule can help you achieve academic success, making a plan for your sexual health is one of the best ways to set yourself up for a satisfying college sex life. After all, when you prioritize your sexual well-being, you have more control over what unfolds, which can make for more positive experiences (in the short and long term).

And even if you’re not sexually active, sexual health is a part of your overall health, so it’s important to take care of it regardless—whether you’re not having sex or can’t wait to have as much sex as possible. Here, we asked sexual health experts for their best advice for the newly-minted undergrad.

1. Prioritize pleasure as you explore your sexuality.

Sexual education is seriously lacking in most states (only 20 require that high school curriculums include information on contraception use, for example, per the Guttmacher Institute). And even if you consider yourself well-educated regarding stuff like preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, that alone won’t necessarily make for a satisfying sex life. “Even if you did get sex ed, it was probably about how sex will kill you, not that sex should feel good,” Jennifer Lincoln, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn practicing in Portland, Oregon, tells SELF.

When it comes to sexual pleasure, talking to your partner about what feels good to you (and them) is essential, says Dr. Lincoln. And getting curious about your own body through masturbation can also help you discover what gets you off, Lee Phillips, PhD, a licensed sex therapist who practices in New York City, tells SELF. Solo sex sessions are a great way to figure out what types of stimulation you prefer, he says, whether you plan to get another person involved in your pleasure or not.

You can also visit inclusive sex education sites like Scarleteen—which gives practical, relatable advice on everything from masturbation to porn preferences—or read actually helpful sex ed books like S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties (by Scarleteen founder Heather Corinna) to help you figure out who and what turns you on. Streaming sexy movies can also be a fun way to discover what you’re into. (To help you get, um, going, here’s some more orgasm inspiration from SELF.)

2. Find out what types of sexual-health support are available on-campus.

Access to a campus health center or clinic is usually included in your annual fees, for example, but some schools may bill through your parents’ health insurance. The clinic may be taking new patients, or it might be difficult to get an appointment. Your college might offer free on-campus testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), annual ob-gyn visits, emergency contraceptives, and abortion care, or they might not have any of these services. You can ask a rep at student services or your campus health center to find out what’s available to you.

Regardless of whether you get care through your college, a local Planned Parenthood clinic, or another provider who isn’t associated with your campus, you’ll also probably want to know how your provider handles information you might like kept confidential, like prescriptions for birth control, says Dr. Lincoln. For example, even though you have a legal right to medical privacy, your parents might get statements that show you visited an ob-gyn if you go through their insurance for the visit. Dr. Lincoln says you can ask your provider what types of information the insured party might get in the mail and notes that a Planned Parenthood or campus-based clinic is more likely to be discreet.

If you live in a dorm, your resident assistant may also have some answers to your questions about your school’s sexual-health services, including those that are specific to the LGBTQ+ community. For example, at least 149 colleges and universities offer insurance plans that cover hormones and gender-affirming surgeries for transitioning students, according to data collected by the nonprofit Campus Pride.

And even if you aren’t sexually active at the moment, it’s a good idea to get familiar with the health care services you have available so that you feel comfortable using them if and when you need them. If you have a vagina, it’s particularly important to have a provider to speak to when you suspect that you have an infection, such as bacterial vaginosis, a yeast infection, or a UTI, as you’ll want to get speedy treatment.

3. If you want to avoid pregnancy, decide on a contraception plan.

Using a condom during sex can significantly reduce your odds of getting an STI or becoming pregnant—with perfect use, they’re effective at pregnancy prevention 98% of the time. But user error is common: In a 2017 analysis of contraceptive failure published in Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, condoms had, on average, a 13% failure rate over the span of one year. In other words, if you’re having the kind of sex that can lead to pregnancy, ideally, you’ll have a backup method of birth control.

Choosing a birth control method can be daunting, though, since there are so many options available, says Dr. Lincoln. Your best bet is to do a little research beforehand so that you have an idea of what method would work best for you. “It’s important to go to legitimate sources, and not TikTok, which can scare you off just about every birth control option,” Dr. Lincoln says. She points out that experiences with birth control that you might see on social media are pretty much like online business reviews: People only share “if it’s really awesome or really horrible.”

Dr. Lincoln recommends FindMyMethod and Bedsider.org as sites to consult as you start your research. Once you’ve compiled a list of pros, cons, and potential side effects for a few birth control options, you’ll be more empowered for a conversation with your provider.

4. Understand when to get tested for STIs.

STIs can be an unfortunate part of being sexually active. That’s true even if you aren’t engaging in penetrative sex of any kind. If body fluids like saliva, semen, or vaginal secretions are getting swapped, your risk of infection will never be zero, Kristen Mark, PhD, a professor of family medicine and community health at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, tells SELF.

The National Institute of Health (NIH) points out that many STIs don’t have any obvious symptoms, so there’s often no way to tell if you’ve got one. Whether you’re between partners, engaging with a new partner, or have never been tested before, if you’re sexually active, STI testing should be part of your health care routine, says Dr. Mark.

You can visit your campus clinic or go to your general practitioner or ob-gyn to get tested for STIs. If a test is positive, your health care provider will talk you through your treatment options. You may need to take a course of antibiotics to clear things up, in the case of bacterial infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea, or begin antiviral medication to reduce your symptoms from viral infections like HIV or genital herpes. You’ll also be advised to contact any recent sexual partners to let them know they should get tested as well—it might not be the sexiest conversation, but it’s the right thing to do.

5. Know how to give and receive consent.

It sucks that we even have to talk about this, but sexual assault regularly happens on college campuses. One in five women in college experience some form of sexual assault, according to the United States Office on Women’s Health, and it’s more likely to occur within the first two semesters of campus living. LGBTQ+ students are also at a higher risk than their straight peers. You don’t have to live in fear, but having an emergency plan for unwanted sexual activity is an important part of sexual self-care, says Dr. Lincoln.

Start with a baseline definition of what consent really means. Planned Parenthood uses the acronym “FRIES” as an easy device for defining it: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. That means that if you’re feeling cornered by someone who intimidates you, that’s not consent. Agree to one type of sexual activity but then your partner tries to do something else you’re not into? That’s also not consensual.

Scarleteen has a great guide for navigating consent that clears up any confusion and gives practical tips for giving and receiving consent in a realistic, less awkward way. For example, you can phrase your enthusiasm in sexy terms—as in, “Don’t stop!” or “This feels so right”—or assure consent by framing your desires as questions (“I really want to do X sexual thing—do you want to do that too?”).

Of course, the sad and infuriating reality is that knowing what consent means isn’t always enough to help you avoid nonconsensual situations. That’s why Dr. Mark highly recommends keeping contact information in your phone for a few people you can call if you experience sexual assault or otherwise find yourself in a sexually unsafe situation—think supportive friends you can trust, your resident assistant, or your campus security officers. You can also get 24/7 confidential crisis support from a trained staff member at RAINN by calling 800-656-HOPE or using the organization’s online hotline.

6. Have a plan for when things don’t go according to plan.

Dr. Lincoln recommends having emergency contraception (EC), like Plan B (available over the counter) or Ella (which requires a prescription), on hand as well. “That way, if something happens on a Saturday night, you’re not waiting until Monday afternoon because that’s when your campus medical office opens,” Dr. Lincoln says.

It’s also important to know the abortion laws in your state and figure out where the nearest abortion clinic is. You can ask a provider or rep at your student health center which EC and abortion care options are available to you (and how and where to access them). You should also consider stocking up on cheap pregnancy tests so you can act quickly on a positive result if you need to.

7. Consider your mental health as a part of your sexual health.

Sexual relationships—or a lack thereof—can have a major impact on your mental health in college. Whether you’re dealing with a partner who’s throwing up red flags, sexual violence, behavior you regret, or just the general angst and uncertainty that can come with pursuing romantic relationships as a young adult, having a neutral third party to talk to can be incredibly helpful.

If you’re struggling with any aspect of your sexual health (including gender identity, body image, peer pressure to have sex, domestic abuse, or a sexual assault), talking to a mental health professional can help you navigate your struggles so you can feel better—mentally and physically. Your college most likely has mental health services or a counseling center available, even if you don’t live on campus. If the counseling center is booked, you can ask a rep if there are other services available in your immediate area or how to access a telehealth provider.

8. Finally, make some friends you don’t want to sleep with.

You may be revved up and ready to have all your sexual fantasies fulfilled during your college years, but the most important relationships you form on campus may end up being platonic. Both Dr. Lincoln and Dr. Mark say that building a community of friends is a form of sexual self-care.

Dr. Phillips recommends joining several on-campus groups or organizations if you’re having trouble finding your people. And Dr. Mark suggests talking about your specific sexual boundaries, expectations, and anxieties with your pals when no one is under the influence of any substance. That way, you’ll have someone who can check in with you if you’re, say, tipsy at a party and hanging out with an ex you insisted you didn’t want to hook up with.

Finally, have patience with yourself if there’s a bit of a learning curve while you figure all this sexual-health stuff out. As Dr. Mark points out, all major life transitions are hard, and becoming independent—sexually and otherwise—as a college student is a big one.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Knowing Your Sexual Values is Essential for Good Sex

By Gigi Engle

We put so much emphasis on our “values.” Whether in life, work, or love, nearly all of us have been encouraged to explore what is important to us. This same enthusiasm is not extended to sexuality. Why? Because we’re not a society that thinks sex is all that important. Other things are always given priority, like work, kids, school, paying the bills, and exercise. These things are always seen as more important than our sex lives.

Needless to say, it really shouldn’t be this way. Just like having values in life, we need to have core values when it comes to sex. Sexual values are linked to our personal feelings about what is acceptable and desirable behavior. Understanding what these values are is crucial to developing stable relationships.

If this is all sounding like a lot of philosophy without a ton of practicality, hang in there. This stuff takes patience and practice – and a whole lot of self-reflection.

What are sexual values?

At this point, you may be wondering how your “values” can be extended into sex. And that’s why we’re here: To give you that sweet tea. It’s quite simple when you break it down.

In a nutshell: sexual values are linked to our personal feelings about what is acceptable and desirable behavior. Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, explains to TheBody that sexual values are a special subset of values that specifically pertain to sexual behaviors, turn-ons/offs, and pleasure.

We humans are not a one-size-fits-all kind of crowd. We all want and need different things from sex. “Sexual values support individuals in developing a roadmap for making sexual decisions based on what truly matters to them,” Dr. Nazanin Moali, a sex therapist and the host of the Sexology podcast, tells TheBody.

Essentially, what determines your sexual values is how you feel about sex and what makes sex the best it can be for you. As with all our values, we need to think about our sexual values, codify them, and apply them to our lives to obtain and sustain the most desirable sex lives (and sexual partners) possible. Sex is just as important as all other aspects of life and it deserves attention.

How sexual values develop

While on the journey to understand what your sexual values are, you may want to consider how your feelings about sex itself have developed and grown throughout your life. There is a whole boatload of external and internal factors that lead us to develop certain attitudes about sex, Moali tells us.

Let’s break down external factors and internal factors. External factors are those that come from outside of us. These include messages we received in childhood about sex, what our partners believe about sex and pleasure, and, maybe most critically, the type of sex education we received. As for internal factors, these are what’s going on in that cute little mind and body of yours. These include your general temperament, your willingness to explore novelty, and your libido.

This can get messy when we have received negative or critical messages about sex and our value as sexual beings. If we come from a background of sex-negativity (which, to be honest, basically everyone does), determining what actually makes “good sex” can be terribly confusing and even distressing.

Start by thinking about some of your “bad” or unsatisfactory sexual experiences – excluding situations where assault occurred. The negative feelings that occurred during or post sex can help indicate conflicts within a sexual value system. “Our emotions are our internal navigation system and sometimes when we experience a negative emotion it may be [a] result of engaging in a sexual behavior that conflicts with our value system,” Moali says.

It’s important to take time to figure out those feelings, why they happened, and how to avoid them in the future is a pivotal part of unpicking where your values are based.

Why it’s important to have strong sexual values

Understanding our sexual values can help us have better, more fulfilling sex lives – and better, more stable relationships with our partners (casual, serious, or otherwise). Many of us have sexual desires that go against the sex-negative messages we grew up with, and when we don’t know what our sexual values are because of these conflicts, it makes making sexual decisions difficult.

When it comes to partners, feeling confident with our sexual values will help identify red flags in ill-suited partners, while encouraging the development of authentic connections with partners who are better matches for us.

These values are important because they allow us to have sexual connections and relationships that help us feel satisfied and sexually fulfilled, and can create strong, healthy sexual and romantic relationships. Sharing sexual values “makes a relationship stronger when both individuals have defined values that they have shared with each other,” Moali says. “It provides a shared language and framework for couples to communicate clearly on what is important for them in a relationship.”

All in all, Moali says that “cultivating a sex life based on our values promotes well-being inside and outside the bedroom.” It’s good for us in all aspects of life and therefore deserves some serious attention.

Questions to ask yourself when discovering your sexual values

Most people don’t have an answer to questions like: What matters to you in a relationship? What matters to you during sex? What do you like about sex? What makes sex good for you? What is an ideal experience?

These are all questions you can (and should) ask yourself when you’re attempting to figure out your values. “If you’ve ever done a personal values audit when it comes to the rest of your life – for example, in your personal life, health, relationships, career, business, or spirituality; it’s the same concept [as this], but for your sexuality,” Rowett says.

Journaling can be very beneficial here because it puts all your thoughts into writing. Rowett suggests prompts could be:

Things that are a hot yes in a partner are… Things that are a hell no in a partner are… My sexual non-negotiables are… What I most need to feel sexually and erotically satisfied is…, The emotional needs that need to be met in my sexual relationship are…, If I could only have the sex and intimacy that nourished my soul and lit me up, it would be…

From here, you can start to discern certain patterns, words, and behaviors that seem to follow positive and negative experiences. And from there, you can distill what core values might be for you.

This is a core concept for coming into your own as a fully realized sexual being. It’s all about the journey and we have to be willing to look inward and self-reflect to get the most out of this wild ride.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Prostate Massage

— Overview, Benefits, Risks, and More

By Emily Morse, PhD

Prostate massage is a procedure in which a finger is inserted into the rectum to stimulate the prostate gland either for sexual stimulation or to treat medical conditions such an enlarged prostate, prostatitis (prostate inflammation), erectile dysfunction, and urination hesitancy (difficulty urinating).

This article will discuss the medical and sexual purposes of prostate massage. It also covers how the procedure is done, along with the risks and side effects that may come with it.

Purpose of Prostate Massage

The goal of prostate massage is to release excess seminal fluid—the fluid that mixes with sperm to create semen—from the ducts of the prostate gland. This is thought by some to ease inflammation, promote urination, and relieve symptoms of prostate conditions.1

The prostate gland is located between the bladder and the root of the penis. It produces seminal fluid that nourishes and transports sperm during ejaculation.2 The urethra (the tube through which urine and semen exit the body) runs through the center of the prostate.2

Certain prostate conditions are thought to benefit from prostate massage, including benign prostatic hyperplasia (BPH) and prostatitis.3

Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia (BPH)

BPH is the enlargement of the prostate with age. While the prostate is usually the size of a walnut, for those in their 60s or older, the prostate can reach the size of a plum or even larger. This can cause the compression of the urethra and urinary problems such as:4

  • Urinary frequency: Peeing eight or more times per day
  • Urinary urgency: The inability to delay urination
  • Nocturia: Frequent peeing at night
  • Trouble starting a urine stream
  • A weak or interrupted urine stream
  • Dribbling at the end of urination

Prostatitis

Prostatitis is the inflammation of the prostate gland. It can be caused by a urinary tract infection (UTI) or a bladder infection. But, it can also be due to things like vigorous bicycle or horseback riding or the use of a urinary catheter.5

For some people, prostatitis can occur spontaneously for no known reason, mainly in older males. Unlike BPH which is progressive, prostatitis can clear (although some people may experience recurrence).5

Symptoms of prostatitis include:5

  • Urinary frequency or urgency
  • Urinary retention: Inability to empty the bladder fully
  • Trouble starting a urine stream
  • A weak or interrupted urine stream
  • Dribbling at the end of the urine stream
  • Pain in the groin, lower abdomen, or lower back
  • Painful ejaculation
  • Urinary tract infection (UTI)

Sex and the Prostate Gland

Some people also regard the prostate gland as the “male G spot.” The prostate, penis, and urethra are all attached to a group of nerves called the prostatic plexus that are activated during orgasm.6

Massaging the prostate gland manually (with a finger) or during anal sex is thought to enhance sexual pleasure.

Evidence of Benefits

The current evidence supporting the therapeutic benefits of prostate massage remain weak and largely subjective.

One study published in the journal Open Urology and Nephrology reported that 115 males with BPH experienced an improvement in symptoms after using a prostate massage device.7

However, the significance of the findings was limited by the lack of a control group, medical tests, or exams of any kind. The researchers instead relied on questionnaires filled out by the participants.

Some contend that prostate massage can treat conditions like erectile dysfunction, which can sometimes arise due to BPH medications. Although prostate massage may enhance the intensity of ejaculation, there is no evidence it can overcome problems like erectile dysfunction.8

Possible Side Effects

The tissues lining the prostate and rectum are delicate and vulnerable to cuts, tears, and abrasions. Massaging the prostate too intensely can easily lead to soreness. In the study described above, for example, 8.3% of participants reported discomfort after a prostate massage.7

Overly aggressive prostate massage can also cause rectal bleeding, creating a risk of bacterial infection or aggravating hemorrhoids.

Furthermore, manual prostate massage is discouraged for males with acute bacterial prostatitis. The massage increases inflammation and may promote the spread of bacteria to the urethra, other parts of the urinary tract, and the bloodstream.9

That said, a few small studies of the effects of prostate massage performed by a physician have shown it to be beneficial as a therapy for chronic prostatitis when paired with antibiotics.10

Contraindications and Risks

Males suspected of having prostate cancer should not be treated with (or engage in) prostate massage, as this may cause tumor cells to break off and spread to nearby tissues.

There’s some evidence that prostate massage, prior to certain tests for prostate cancer, may increase the sensitivity of the test, making it more likely the cancer will be detected.

However, a prostate-specific antigen (PSA) blood test should not be conducted immediately after a prostate massage, as this could lead to false-positive results.11< Even if cancer is not an issue, it's important to avoid injuring the prostate. The thin, pliable membrane covering the prostate—the prostatic plexus—is full of nerves that serve the sponge-like corpora cavernosa of the penis.

Massaging the prostate too intensely can damage nerves in the corpora cavernosa—two chambers composed of erectile tissue that run the length of the penis. Damage to the corpora cavernosa can result in pain and erectile dysfunction.

How to Prepare for a Prostate Massage

Prostate massage is considered a pleasurable sexual practice by some men. If you try it, to prevent injury or discomfort, you should:

  • Trim and file fingernails to prevent scratches, cuts, or tears to the rectum or prostate.
  • Wash and dry hands thoroughly prior to performing prostate massage.
  • Apply generous amounts of silicone or water-based lubricant (ideally fragrance-free) to help prevent rectal damage or discomfort.
  • Consider wearing latex or nitrile gloves for added protection.
  • Before receiving a prostate massage, perform a light douching to remove fecal matter from the rectum.

Never engage in a prostate massage if you or your partner has fissures or hemorrhoids. Doing so can cause bleeding and may increase the risk of infection.

How to Do a Prostate Massage

If performing prostate massage for sexual purposes, it often helps to achieve a state of arousal first. Doing so moves the gland into a slightly upward and backward position as the penis becomes erect.

  1. Apply lube liberally around the anus.
  2. Insert an index finger slowly to the first knuckle and start masturbating.
  3. Pull the finger out and re-apply lube.
  4. As you continue to masturbate, replace your finger back into the anus, this time to the second knuckle.
  5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 until you reach the third knuckle.
  6. Once the finger is fully inserted, search for a rounded lump roughly 4 inches inside the rectum and up towards the root of the penis. This is the prostate.
  7. Gently massage the prostate in a circular or back-and-forth motion using the pad of a finger. You can also apply gentle pressure for seven to 10 seconds, again with the pad of a finger rather than the tip.

Summary

There is very little evidence to support the claims that prostate massage is an effective therapy for prostatitis, enlarged prostate, or other conditions that affect the prostate.

It is clear, however, that prostatic massage comes with risks for males who have bacterial prostatitis, prostate cancer, fissures, or hemorrhoids. For them, prostate massage should be avoided, as it can worsen their condition.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The exact way to squeeze your pelvic muscles during sex for a super intense orgasm

Doing kegels during sex can make it feel better for you — and your partner.

By Kelly Burch

  • Kegels can benefit your sex life by increasing sensation, lubrication, and the ability to orgasm.
  • They also can help strengthen your pelvic floor muscles, which helps prevent vaginal prolapse.
  • To do kegels, contract and release the muscles you use to stop the flow of urine.

If you’re looking to enhance your sex life, there may be a solution that you can do any time, anywhere: kegel exercise. Kegel exercises engage your pelvic floor muscles. They can keep you healthy and may even make your sex life more fulfilling says sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel, who works with couples and individuals to enhance their sex lives.

While doing Kegels won’t make you a better lover, they may make it easier for people with a vagina to orgasm, Siegel says. They may help the 10%-15% of women who have never had an orgasm, and others who find it difficult to orgasm.

And it’s not just people with a vagina who can reap the benefits of Kegels — birth-assigned males can also experience heightened sexual pleasure from strengthening their pelvic floor Siegel says.

Here’s why they are beneficial and how to do them.

The benefits of Kegels for people with a vagina

Kegels have the most benefit for people with a vagina.

1. Make your pelvic floor stronger

“Kegel exercises are a simple and effective way to strengthen those pelvic floor muscles, which support the uterus, bladder, and bowel,” says Dr. Sherry Ross, an OB-GYN and author of “She-ology: The Definitive Guide to Women’s Intimate Health.”

The pelvic floor includes the levator ani, coccygeus, and pubococcygeal (PC) muscle, the ones you use to stop the flow of urine. These muscles act like a hammock or sling supporting the internal organs in the pelvis — but they often weaken with age, especially in people who have given birth vaginally.

Strengthening these muscles can help you avoid:

  • Incontinence, or the inability to hold pee or poop until you make it to the toilet.
  • Pain during sex
  • Vaginal prolapse, a condition where the vagina muscles weaken and sag into the vaginal canal.
  • Pelvic floor dysfunction, or the inability to control your pelvic floor muscles.

2. Increase sensation and lubrication

Kegels can boost blood flow to the pelvis, which increases sensation and lubrication of the vagina. Many people find that increased lubrication increases pleasure for both partners during sex.

In addition, Kegels help prevent pelvic floor dysfunction. Women with pelvic floor dysfunction often have lower sexual satisfaction, fewer orgasms, and lower libido. Researchers can’t say exactly why, but it may be because conditions like prolapse or incontinence make it difficult to get in the mood.

3. Strengthen orgasm for both partners

Learning to activate the pelvic floor muscles allows you to contract them during sex.

Squeezing your pelvic muscles in the buildup to orgasm may help you experience a more powerful sensation when you come, says Ross. During orgasm, muscles throughout the body pulse and release involuntarily. Adding to this with kegels can make the sensation more intense.

It can also boost pleasure for your partner: “When a woman does Kegels during vaginal intercourse, the pelvic floor muscles contract on the penis — enhancing his sexual experience as well,” Ross says.

4. Make pelvic exams less painful

Relaxing the muscles during a Kegel is equally important as contracting. Learning to relax can reduce your risk of pain during sex or painful pelvic exams by letting you open the vagina more fully, says Ross.

Kegel benefits for people with a penis

Keeping the pelvic floor healthy is important for people with a penis too.

Kegels can help with male incontinence. This is especially important for people who have had prostate surgery, who often experience incontinence.

Doing Kegels regularly can also improve sexual experience for people with a penis. This is because Kegels increase blood flow to the groin and penis, which can boost sensation and may help combat erectile dysfunction (ED).

Unfortunately, there’s limited research in this area. A small 2005 study found that men with ED who performed Kegels in addition to making lifestyle changes had fewer ED symptoms than a control group. A small 2020 study suggested that kegels may be helpful for ED when they’re done long term.

“While Kegel exercises are primarily associated with women, many men can get similar benefits from doing them,” Siegel says.

How to get started with doing Kegels

Before you can do Kegels, you need to understand the muscles that you’re trying to activate.

How to find your pelvic floor muscles

The easiest way to find your pelvic floor muscles is to imagine that you’re urinating. From there, try to stop the imaginatory stream by contracting your PC muscles, says Ross. This works for both males and females. Try to tighten those muscles without tightening your legs, abs, or glutes.

People with a vagina can take a more hands-on approach to feeling their pelvic floor muscles, Ross says:

  1. Insert two fingers into your vagina.
  2. Contract your PC muscles, which you would use to stop the flow of urine.
  3. As they contract, feel a light squeeze on your fingers.
  4. Relax fully, and feel the grip on your fingers loosen.

People with a penis can find their pelvic floor muscles by trying to tighten their rectum. It’s the same movement that you might use if you’re trying to hold in a fart.

How to do Kegels

Once you’ve isolated your pelvic floor muscles, the foundation of doing Kegels is the same for all genders.

Here’s how to do them.

1. Empty your bladder. As you become more accustomed to doing Kegels you’ll be able to do them anywhere, anytime, but it’s best not to do them with a full bladder since that can strain your muscles.

2. Contract your PC muscles. Hold for 3-5 seconds when you first start. Build toward the goal of holding for ten seconds.

3. Relax your muscles entirely. Keep them relaxed for the same length of time that you held them tight.

4. Repeat this 10-15 times, three times a day. “The key to Kegels is consistency and regularity, doing them several times a day,” Siegel says.

After you’ve mastered that, try flutter Kegels, Ross says. With this variation, you contract and relax the muscles quickly, rather than holding the contraction. Do this for 30 seconds.

When you’re performing Kegels, keep these tips in mind:

  • Breath normally. Don’t hold your breath.
  • Keep your abs, thighs and butt relaxed. This helps isolate the pelvic floor muscles.
  • Find a regular time to do Kegels each day, like while at stop lights or while brushing your teeth.

Insider’s takeaway

Kegel exercises teach you how to contract and relax your pelvic floor muscles. This helps you build a strong pelvic floor which can help with things like incontinence and sexual satisfaction.

Kegels are convenient because they can be done discreetly anywhere, at any time. Anyone can benefit from them, and they’re safe for everyone. The most challenging part about them is working them into your daily routine consistently.

“There are absolutely no downsides to doing Kegel exercises,” says Ross. “Once you learn how to do them correctly, Kegels should be a permanent part of your daily routine.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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7 subtle signs of self-sabotage in a relationship

— Including dozens of real-life examples to help you spot them

Though conflict might be scary, it’s important to face issues head-on to avoid accidentally sabotaging your relationship.

By Ashley Laderer

 

  • One sign of self-sabotaging is obsessing over your partner’s location when they’re not around.
  • Conversely, you may be distant with your partner and not put any effort into the relationship.
  • It may also be a sign of self-sabotage if you are nitpicky or overly critical of your partner.

 

 

If you’ve noticed that you’re doing more harm than good in your love life — like not putting effort into partnerships or getting unreasonably angry with your partner — you might be self-sabotaging.

Self-sabotaging is usually a defense mechanism. The goal of self-sabotage isn’t necessarily to end the relationship, rather you might act this way because you feel like you don’t deserve your partner or a happy relationship. Subconsciously, you may be trying to drive your partner away emotionally, so you’re not devastated if they abandon you

This is why self-sabotaging behaviors are most common if you have low-self esteem, haven’t worked through past hurts, or have abandonment issues, says Kristin M. Davin, a psychologist and relationship therapist in private practice

If you’re self-sabotaging, it isn’t necessarily a sign that your relationship should end. More often it’s about your own struggles (such as unresolved trauma or a negative sense of self) that need to be addressed and worked through, Davin says.

Since self-sabotaging is usually subconscious, it can be hard to spot — so here are seven warning signs.

1. You look for things to be wrong and are overly critical

Even if your partner treats you well and you’re fond of them, you may get nitpicky, Davin says.

In fact, a 2021 review found that “partner attack” such as criticism is one of the most common behaviors that self-sabotagers engage in.

“Sure, we all have some things we could be doing better, but a person will critique their partner as a way to damage the relationship and drive a wedge between the two of you,” Davin says.

Davin says some ways this might present are:

  • You nitpick about small things, even finding fault with how they make the bed or do the dishes.
  • You’re judgemental towards them, judging things they do or say without gathering all the facts and hearing the whole story.
  • You constantly look for flaws and criticize them, highlighting the ways they “fall short” instead of giving them compliments on the positives.
  • You give them negative feedback, pointing out things they could do differently or “better” such as with work or around the house.
  • You remind them of things they did wrong in the past.

2. You obsess over your partner’s actions when they’re not around

Davin says this is common if you have unresolved past hurts like if your ex partner cheated on you and you don’t trust your current partner to be loyal.

David D. Bowers, a psychologist who specializes in relationships at Thriveworks Polaris, says that this unfair mistrust could manifest in various ways including:

  • Regularly worrying about who your partner is seeing when you’re not with them.
  • Ruminating over who your partner is texting or thinking about when you’re not around.
  • Routinely checking your partner’s location when there isn’t a real need for it.

3. You purposefully avoid conflict

Never arguing isn’t necessarily a sign of a healthy relationship.

“If you find yourself routinely choosing not to express your thoughts and feelings in order to maintain the peace, it’s very possible that in hindsight you will see this as having accidentally sabotaged the relationship,” Bowers says.

Bowers says that avoiding potential conflict prevents you from having important conversations.

For example, it could hurt your relationship if you:

  • Don’t voice your concerns about major decisions as a couple, such as moving
  • Stay silent about having different political opinions from your partner
  • Choose not to tell your partner your true feelings about having children

Davin says when you don’t share what’s bothering you, you’re not giving your partner a chance to discuss and resolve any conflict, which can ultimately lead to the downfall of the relationship.

4. You get disproportionately angry at your partner

On the flip side of avoiding conflict and keeping feelings to yourself, you may find yourself getting unnecessarily angry or frustrated at your partner for minor things, which is also a sign of self-sabotage.

Bowers says some examples of this are:

  • Blowing up at your partner when they’re a few minutes late
  • Getting very angry if they forget an item or two from a grocery list
  • Becoming overly upset if a text message isn’t responded to in a timely fashion

Subconsciously, this could be because you have a fear of rejection and abandonment, and by getting angry and causing the problems yourself, you feel like you’re “beating them to the punch,” Bowers says.

5. You have unrealistic expectations

It’s normal to have expectations of your partner in a healthy relationship. However, those who self-sabotage often have unrealistic and lofty expectations for their partner, Davin says.

Davin says some examples of this are:

  • You expect them to be your “everything” — always providing all the emotional support you need and meeting all of your needs.
  • You expect them to read your mind and don’t outwardly express your needs.
  • You expect them to do all the “heavy lifting” in the relationship such as always doing all the chores around the house, making date plans, or initiating sex.

When you focus on how your partner isn’t giving you the “perfect” relationship, you may end the relationship prematurely or drive them away.

6. You feel unworthy

When you have low self-esteem and you feel unworthy of a healthy and happy relationship, you may have the thought, “Everyone eventually leaves me, so why not get ahead and do things that will make the person leave?” Davin says.

People who self-sabotage relationships may not feel worthy of a happy relationship, Bowers says.

“In a nutshell, any of us might have received messages growing up that set us up to feel we’re somehow flawed, different, or just not up to having the kind of happiness others appear to have and merit,” Bowers says.

You may have thoughts such as:

  • “This would be different if I were a better person.”
  • “I’m just not a good enough person for this partner.”
  • “This is just the best I deserve.”

A 2016 review found that people with low self-esteem in a romantic relationship may believe their partner views them as poorly as they view themselves, ultimately leading them to act out in ways that make their partner unhappy.

7. You don’t put a lot of effort into the relationship

If you’re putting all your energy into anything other than the relationship, you might be sabotaging the partnership.

Davin says some examples of this are:

  • Spending time with someone else who might jeopardize your relationship (such as by cheating)
  • Hiding behind your work and becoming overly invested so there’s less time for the relationship
  • Using all your mental and emotional energy outside of the relationship by consistently putting other things (like your hobbies) or people (such as friends or family members) in front of your partner.

Davin says if you purposely find other things to do, this creates a rift in the relationship where your partner doesn’t feel important.

Insider’s takeaway

If you find yourself self-sabotaging your relationship, it’s important to take a step back and recognize this. Acknowledging the destructive behavior is the first step.

Then, you can move on, get introspective, and begin to understand why you’re self-sabotaging in the first place and whether the relationship is the right fit for you.

“The one constant throughout all of your relationships is you. Sometimes some serious self-reflection can lead to insight about your unique ways of self-sabotaging relationships,” Bowers says.

If you need help working through past trauma and current relationship issues, don’t hesitate to seek the help of a mental health professional.

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What is Shibari or Kinbaku?

— Everything you need to know about BDSM rope play.

Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present.

By Beth Ashley

The Discovery+ true crime series House of Hammer, detailing the allegations surrounding Call Me By Your Name actor Armie Hammer, has raised a lot of questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, BDSM, kink, and ethics. The series, which opens with Hammer (who has denied these allegations) detailing his love of Japanese rope bondage, has also made some monumental mishaps in explaining how certain kinks and scenes within the BDSM community actually work. The series doesn’t ever address what these kinks actually are, or their important connection to Japan’s history and culture. Disappointed but not surprised.

Viewers of House of Hammer will understandably have questions about Shibari and Kinbaku, but those shouldn’t be answered by someone accused of committing acts of sexual violence. There are dangerous implications with allowing Hammer, an alleged abuser, to define and discuss any form of BDSM — and to conflate consensual sexual practice with abuse
“Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, and inaccurately portrayed in the media.” Members of the BDSM community are already frequently let down, misinterpreted, stigmatised, and inaccurately portrayed in the media, with many speaking out against titles like Bonding, How to Build a Sex Room, and Fifty Shades of Grey for tying problematic ideas to kink.

In reality, the BDSM community centres play of any kind around consent, respect and communication. And that’s especially true with Shibari.

What is Shibari?

Shibari, sometimes called Japanese rope bondage or “kinbaku” is a modern form of rope bondage which originated in Japan. The term “shibari” means “tying” and “kinbaku” means “tight binding.” The two are used interchangeably, and refer to the same type of play. Put simply, Shibari involves tying someone up with ropes. Sometimes this involves sex, with couples tying each other into certain positions and sometimes the fun is just about the tying itself. But historically, it’s been used as a form of meditation, relaxation, and trust-building practice between two people.

Sexologist Midori, author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage and founder of Planet Midori, tells Mashable: “It originated as an underground form of culturally specific erotic fantasy play, enjoyed by ordinary people, which centers on erotic nostalgia.”

She explains that the practice is embedded in Japan’s ancient history. “In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated shackles into their sex, based on historic captivity measures, Japanese folks found inspiration in captured maidens.” Only, in Japan’s history, the restraint of choice was rope.

But today, Japan, Shibari is enjoyed by consenting adults in their private sex lives, as well as stage performances in kink-themed bars, and of course in porn. And it’s catching on in the West too, with kink and fetish clubs in the United Kingdom and mainland Europe embracing Shibari in play. It’s even got a thriving TikTok community.

Why are people into Shibari?

Midori explains that she personally loves Shibari because it’s so flexible, both literally and figuratively. “Shibari fits all bodies, and [the rope] can be woven into the process of creating a vast range of scenes and moods. It’s adaptive as you can adjust and change it to suit all body types, physical conditions, and experience levels. You don’t need to be flexible to enjoy shibari – you just need to be clear about what works and doesn’t work for your body on that day,” she tells Mashable.

Marika Leila Roux, co-founder and creative director of Shibari Study, who offer Shibari classes, says “Shibari is a way of communicating through rope and that makes it magical. It’s not just about memorising certain patterns or knots; instead, shibari allows you to use things like how you handle your rope and different ways of using speed, tension and tempo to create different sensations and even emotions for your partner (or yourself).” She says that using rope in a way that’s playful, sensual, tender and a little challenging can help us examine our needs, desires and intentions as well as those of our partners.

How do I get started with Shibari?

Shibari isn’t something you can jump into head first without doing some required reading, learning and pre-sex communication first. It does literally involve rope after all, so safety is an important consideration.

Marika explains that the most important thing to learn when getting started is general safety, which is why Shibari Study offers a safety course for free. So, Shibari newbies, it’s time to crack out the books and maybe take a class or two. Marika says you should “invest serious effort into grasping the basic techniques. No one is going to master Shibari overnight, nor should they try to. I always recommend a ‘low and slow’ integration method.”

Thorough communication about wants, desires, boundaries and what you’re looking to get out of Shibari with any potential partners are also crucial before, during and after every Shibari session.

“There will always be some sort of risk when playing with ropes,” Marika notes, “but as long as you do your research and communicate clearly with your partners, you should be able to mitigate these risks and create a fun and enriching experience. Take the time to establish and update your own personal risk profile — an evaluation of an individual’s willingness and ability to take risks and what they are comfortable with and be transparent with whoever you are tying with,” she adds.

Midori says that in terms of equipment, beginners should start with cotton rope as it’s softer on the skin and it’s easier to clean up. “Start with shorter ropes, as they’re easier to handle. Super long ropes can get tangled up, be hard to handle, and just increase frustrations for the person tying and boredom for the person waiting to be tied.”

Close up on a red soft ball of rope, used in the Japanese erotic arts of kinbaku, sinju and shibari, on black silk

“Always have a set of safety scissors nearby when playing too,” she adds. “Sometimes knots simply get too tight to undo easily, or the person being tied up might want to get out quickly.”

She also recommends steering steadily into the world of complicated positions. While you’re still a beginner, and certainly during your first time, don’t try anything too crazy. “Start with your most favourite sex position, and try to tie your partner, or have them tie you, into that shape,” she says. She recommends starting with an easy, gentle placement too. “Tie the right wrist to the right thigh and the left wrist to the left thigh. If the partner is a bit more flexible, try wrists to ankles.” But don’t do anything too complicated on the first go, and don’t tie near the neck and head so the person being restrained can still breathe.

Is it cultural appropriation to do Shibari if I’m not Japanese?

Midori explains that, outside of Japan, in the past decade or so, Shibari has gone viral. With that increase in popularity, came some criticism of Westernised interpretations of the craft, along with “particular narratives about Shibari’s history.”

“Shibari is a noble and complex art form, passed down from the samurai, taught today from master to acolyte,” Midori explains. “Others claim that Shibari is a respected art form and spiritual practice in Japan. These narratives, however, are unfortunately deeply problematic as they are another form of ‘othering’, Orientalism, and out-of-context cultural appropriation.”

“For people who don’t buy into those problematic narratives today, they can enjoy Shibari as part of their own variation of kinky bondage play,” she assures. “Is Shibari a spiritual practice in Japan? No. Might some Shibari lovers in Japan and the rest of the world find moments of emotional catharsis in Shibari? Sure. Do some of these folks make it their own form of spiritual exploration? Yes.” But she stresses that this isn’t unique to Shibari. It’s been so for people who enjoy other forms of kink, such as leather bondage, flogging, ordeal play, and dominance and submission — to name a few.

“Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure.” She also adds that the social media side of Shibari can purposely make Shibari ropes look overly complex, but if it suits you, Shibari beginners are welcome to tie whatever ropes they can manage, and giggle their way through the process. It doesn’t have to be a serious situation. “You don’t have to study and master complex forms that might not even be healthy for you or your partner’s body. A few basic ties and maybe a simple body harness [which you can learn from coaches online or in a beginner’s Shibari class] is fine, good, and hot for most people.”

Ultimately, Shibari is about consensually tying each other up for fun and sexual pleasure. “It shouldn’t be intimidating or aggravating,” she says.

Despite certain documentaries and their perception of play, people who play with Shibari centre their experiences around communication, respect and consent, be it about BDSM or the rope work alone. It should go without saying, but Shibari should never be used to abuse someone. Though it’s derived from images of captivity, the practice is a far cry from this. Shibari is an art form with a rich history, and a fun, experimental present. If you want to be a part of it, seek out a qualified coach to show you the ropes, a trusted partner, and let out your spicy side.

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It’s Never Too Late To Learn How To Sext

(If You Want To)

After my marriage ended, I immediately jumped into online dating—and I found myself knee-deep in salty exchanges. Figuring out how I wanted to respond took much, much longer.

By Nadine Araksi

I received my first dick pic on public transit, after dropping my kids off at school. I wasn’t even halfway through my latte. New to dating apps and dating in general, I’d been chatting with another recently separated soul. We were planning to meet for what would be my first date in 20 years when a pixelated icon appeared. As a safety precaution, I had to tap to actually open the picture, which should tell you a bit about what can happen in dating apps. I closed one eye and reluctantly opened the image, hoping​​ it was a puppy.

The photo that greeted me was later dubbed “the worst dick pic I have ever seen” by a millennial colleague, a self-proclaimed expert who had allegedly seen hundreds of them. I was livid. Yes, I’d been flirty, but I had not requested this. I replied with all-caps anger, then blocked him.

Unwanted dick pics aside, the bigger truth I had to face was how I wanted to participate in sexting culture. When I downloaded several dating apps shortly after my 17-year marriage ended, I was venturing into a brand new world I knew little about. I knew even less about how I would like to be treated in this world.

Does everybody sext now? In my experience, if you’re actively dating the answer is yes. As I’ve learned firsthand and also through my work as a coach supporting women through new life experiences, online dating and sexting are not all bad. A lighthearted approach to the latter can help you explore and understand who you are as a sexual being and allow you to connect with your desires. All it takes is the right attitude, some common sense and a willingness to push yourself, ever so slightly, out of your comfort zone.

What you need to know if you’re new to online dating

Prior to my divorce, I had not dated since the early days of the web. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, I was immediately shocked by the behaviour of the people I came across on apps. Men asked where I lived, what colour bra I was wearing and what my sexual appetite was—within moments of chatting. I felt unsafe and uncomfortable, but I convinced myself that I had no choice but to accept sexting as the price of admission for my search to find love and sex again.

Soon, I was having eight to 10 very flirty conversations all at the same time, via direct messages with different men in different dating apps. (I started out on Tinder before trying Bumble, Plenty of Fish, OkCupid and finally Hinge.) After two decades of sleeping with the same person, I felt overwhelmed. I also realized that I had some social conditioning to undo. Growing up in a traditional Armenian household and being taught about Christianity through Catholic school, I internalized stories that made me believe women should not own their sexuality and that wanting sex was shameful. Fast-forward to now, and sexting was everywhere. I was forced to confront my own apprehensions. Sure, I could choose to not use dating apps, but the bigger issue was that I did not know how to connect to my own desire. And so I decided to lean into sexting. Here’s what I’ve learned.

An illustration of a woman taking a mirror selfie in her underwear

1. You need to feel sexy before getting sext-y

Feeling unattractive after my separation, I knew I needed to feel better about myself in order to be flirty with other people. So I stood naked in front of the mirror every morning and tried to identify a body part I liked. I ordered lacy underwear sets. I began to post selfies on days I thought my outfit was cute or my hair looked good. The instant validation from friends, colleagues and admirers encouraged me to play with my new identity as a single woman, to claim space and to really start to see myself as beautiful again.

Another piece of advice: Practise texting sexy sentences to yourself through the Notes app on your phone. What would you ask for if you weren’t embarrassed, scared or feeling shy? Learning how to speak your desires is an essential practice for women who have traditionally suppressed their wants to be more agreeable to partners and authority figures.

An illustration of a couple kissing under a red umbrella

2. Trust yourself to figure out what feels right

My first foray into advanced sexting began after a lunch date with a sexy-accented European intellectual, whom I quickly dubbed El Profesor. We shared a kiss under umbrellas, and I was elated when he texted later that day to say he’d had a lovely time. Then he sent a selfie of himself looking dashing in a blazer. My curiosity was piqued. When he asked for a selfie in return, I quickly posed in my T-shirt, snapped and sent. A second selfie appeared, this time with his blazer removed, followed by the caption “Your turn.” Huh?

Panicked, I shut down the conversation. Later, I decided El Profesor could be my gateway to getting comfortable sexting. The next night, feeling a bit tipsy, I put on my best negligee, crawled into bed, took a deep breath and snapped some photos. Careful not to include my face, I sent a pic of my cleavage. Game on! Things progressed in surprising ways, with photos volleying back and forth. Did I enjoy it? To be honest, it wasn’t my favourite, but I felt like I’d ticked another sexual milestone off my rookie list. What I couldn’t shake was the feeling of shame. I’m a mom! What if my kids found these images? I quickly deleted the pictures and the exchange.

After our first sexting session, El Profesor’s “Wanna play?” requests came in night after night. I did not have enough outfits to play this game. More importantly, I realized I was performing. “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we’re a romantic fit,” I texted, feeling proud for being true to myself.

An illustration of a candle on top of a Jane Austen book

3. Be clear about what you’re looking for

Following a summer of first dates and sexy flings, I took a seriously long break. On my next round, sex was still a driving force in many conversations, but I had changed my approach. The photos I shared were fun but not salacious, and I was clear about what I was looking for: “You’re for me if you’re also looking for a Jane Austen–style slow burn in lockdown.” This helped eliminate those looking for instant gratification. I also began to pay attention to which conversations made me feel good, and which ones brushed up against what I now knew were my limits.

Getting comfortable with rejection, both giving and receiving it, is crucial when online dating. So often as women, we feel we have to be nice and placate the other person. But in online dating, the other person lives in your phone. A polite “No, thank you, that’s not for me” is a good way of telling someone their message didn’t land. If a bruised ego leads to persistence or insults, simply block and delete.

An illustration of the peach, heart and !? emoji

4. Sexting looks different for everyone

After six months of being single between spurts of dating, I met a man who helped me release my shame around desire and pleasure. After we’d casually dated for a few months, he texted one night to ask what I’d like to do on our next date, I responded with a cool “What were *you* thinking?” He sent back a parade of words so salty, I would be mortified if my mother ever saw the interaction. More racy messages followed. Receiving these texts thrilled me every time, but I still felt intimidated when trying to reciprocate. I wanted to write super-spicy comebacks, but it just wasn’t in my wheelhouse.

Despite the great sex and conversation, that relationship fizzled out. I fired up the apps yet again and soon fell in love with a man who was “just right.” Our sexting was playful; I would often burst out laughing and simultaneously be turned on. Returning his banter exercised a part of my brain that I had closed off for decades. Turns out, I’m pretty good at sexting with the right person—it was just a matter of figuring out what that looked like.

I have no regrets about my trial-and-error phase in the wide world of sexting; it made for lots of learning and some really great stories. I’ve discovered I’m not a Playboy photographer, nor a bunny, and that for me, my flirtations are best left for face-to-face conversations. I’m currently single again, but the next time I receive a sext, I’ll know how to respond in a way that feels true to me.

Four rules for safer sexting

1. Think thrice before sending.

The internet is forever. While you might trust the person you’re sharing with, it’s far too easy for the recipient to screenshot and share. This goes for texts as well as photos.

2. Consider disappearing photos and texts.

Apps like Instagram and Snapchat have a disappearing-photo messaging option. (But be aware that the receiver can still take a screenshot of the image.)

3. Lock it up.

Keep explicit photos “hidden” through your phone’s existing photo app, or use a password-protected photo album or app. This is especially important if your children have access to your phone.

4. Get a fake number.

Over time, you’ll get good at trusting your gut. Until then, consider paying for a fake number (also known as a burner) that you access through an app on your existing phone. Texts and conversations will remain within the app, which you can bury in a folder that your kids won’t look in.

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What Is Sexual Fluidity?

No matter where you fall on the sexuality spectrum, your feelings are valid.

By Jessica Toscano

Sexual fluidity is an aspect of sexuality that is about flexibility in your sexual preferences. It refers to the ability for a person’s sexual identity, attraction, or behavior to change depending on particular situations. Whether it’s for the short term or long term, people might experience changes in how they sexually identify, who they are attracted to, or what type of sexual partners they have.1

Sexual fluidity means that your sexuality can be ever-changing. Even if your sexuality has stayed pretty constant, it might change once or several times throughout your adolescence and adulthood.

Sexual fluidity can mean different things for different people.

For example, someone who is lesbian might consider themselves sexually fluid if they start experiencing attraction to someone who is non-binary. People who have heterosexual sexual encounters could be sexually fluid if they have an occasional desire for the same sex. Someone who is attracted to both men and women might eventually feel attraction to people of any gender.1

Changes in sexual attraction, identity, or behavior can be unexpected. The changes can be temporary or lasting.

Sexual fluidity doesn’t mean someone is confused or in denial about their sexual orientation, which is who you are attracted to sexually. Being sexually fluid is also not the same as being bisexual, a sexual orientation when you are consistently attracted to more than one gender.1

Unlike sexual orientation, which suggests that sexuality falls under one fixed category, sexual fluidity shows that your sexual thoughts, feelings, and attractions can be continuously evolving.2 Attraction isn’t always confined to one label, which is why some people might prefer the label of sexually fluid. And just because people can be sexual fluid doesn’t mean that sexual orientation doesn’t exist. Sexual fluidity simply highlights that your sexual orientation may not rigidly predict each and every desire you’ll have in your life.1

That said, it could be possible, for example, for a woman to identify as straight and still wonder how to know if she’s a lesbian due to a sporadic attraction to the same gender. Labels can definitely help you identify who you are based on a series of emotional, romantic, and sexual patterns, but they can’t predict each and every desire you will have over your lifespan, which is where sexual fluidity comes into play.

Research has shown that anywhere between less than 1% to 66% of people whose gender aligns with their sex at birth (cisgender) are sexually fluid. One study showed that, compared to cisgender men and women, trans men are even more likely to show sexual fluidity.3

Although sexual fluidity can affect someone of any sex or gender, research has suggested that more women than men are sexually fluid. For example, a small study 2013 study of 199 young LGBTQ+ adults showed that 64% of women and 52% of men identified as sexually fluid.4 However, newer research seems to suggest that women might not actually have higher rates of sexual fluidity after all.1

Someone can experience sexual fluidity at any point in their life. This might be because you meet someone new or learn about a sexual identity with which you more closely identify. But research does suggest that substantial changes in one’s attraction to others seem to be common in late adolescence to the early 20s as well as from the early 20s to the late 20s.5

Overall, there’s been an increase in the percentage of Americans who identify as LGBTQ+. Researchers suggest this rise could be from political changes, like the legalization of same-sex marriage, as well as social changes, like the destigmatization of sexual minorities.6

Since sexuality is a spectrum and where you fall on it can be different throughout your life, there is no sure way to know exactly if where you are now on the spectrum will be where you stay at all times. But that doesn’t mean you can’t still regularly check in with yourself to acknowledge your feelings.

Here are some signs you might be sexually fluid:1

  • You feel a nonexclusive attraction to different genders. Unlike the constant attraction to more than one gender that comes with bisexuality, sexual fluidity means you sporadically feel attracted to different genders, sometimes at the same time and sometimes not. Your change in attraction can happen several times throughout your life or it can happen only once.
  • Your sexual attractions change over time. If your attraction to others consistently fluctuates, you might find that you don’t identify with the description of any one sexual orientation because not just one fits your sexual attraction pattern.
  • Your sexual attraction, behavior, and identity aren’t consistent. You might find that there are times in your life when your thoughts and actions don’t match your identity. For instance, if you identify as straight but are sometimes sexually intimate with the same gender or if you identify as gay but often find yourself attracted to someone of another gender. These inconsistencies across your attraction, behavior, and identity might mean you are sexually fluid.

Young adults who have a fluid sexual orientation might experience or be worried that they may experience negative social reactions when letting people know about their fluidity. This can play a role in the negative mental effects some people might experience during their time of fluctuation.7 But accepting that your sexuality is changing might actually lead to better authentic self-expression. And being your true self can benefit your overall satisfaction and well-being.8 Self-acceptance of your sexuality has itself been linked to better mental health.9

Sexual fluidity is the ability for a person’s sexual identity, attraction, or behavior to change over time. This change can happen several times throughout your life or only once

Wherever you find yourself on the sexuality spectrum, the real importance lies in your ability to remain honest and true to your feelings. And remember you’re not alone. You can reach out to a trusted friend or family member for support; make an appointment with a healthcare provider or counseling service; join a support group to meet other people who are sexually fluid; or visit resources like The National Resource Center on LGBTQ Aging, which provides information and support to older members of the queer community, their families, and care partners.

Sources:

  1. Diamond LM. Sexual Fluidity in Male and Females. Curr Sex Health Rep. 2016;8(4):249-256. doi:10.1007/s11930-016-0092-z.
  2. Hargons C, Mosley D, Stevens-Watkins D, Studying Sex: A Content Analysis of Sexuality Research in Counseling Psychology. Couns Psychol. 2017;45(4):528–546. doi:10.1177/0011000017713756.
  3. Katz-Wise SL, Williams DN, Keo-Meier CL, Budge SL, Pardo S, Sharp C. Longitudinal Associations of Sexual Fluidity and Health in Transgender Men and Cisgender Women and Men. Psychol Sex Orientat Gend Divers. 2017; 4(4):460–471. doi:10.1037/sgd0000246.
  4. Katz-Wise SL. Sexual fluidity in young adult women and men: associations with sexual orientation and sexual identity development. 2013;189-208. doi:10.1080/19419899.2013.876445.
  5. Kaestle CE. Sexual Orientation Trajectories Based on Sexual Attractions, Partners, and Identity: A Longitudinal Investigation From Adolescence Through Young Adulthood Using a U.S. Representative Sample. J Sex Res. 2019;56(7):811-826. doi:10.1080/00224499.2019.1577351.
  6. Gates GJ. LGBT Data Collection Amid Social and Demographic Shifts of the US LGBT Community. Am J Public Health. 2017;107(8):1220–1222. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2017.303927.
  7. Frickea J, Sironib M. Sexual fluidity and BMI, obesity, and physical activity. SSM Popul Health. 2020; 11:100620. doi: 10.1016/j.ssmph.2020.100620.
  8. Al-Khouja, M., Weinstein, N., Ryan, W. and Legate, N., 2022. Self-expression can be authentic or inauthentic, with differential outcomes for well-being: Development of the authentic and inauthentic expression scale (AIES). Journal of Research in Personality, 97, p.104191.
  9. Camp, J., Vitoratou, S. and Rimes, K., 2020. LGBQ Self-Acceptance and Its Relationship with Minority Stressors and Mental Health: A Systematic Literature Review. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(7), pp.2353-2373.

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Gay social and sexual norms are shifting in the PrEP era

By Krishen Samuel

While cost remains the biggest barrier to accessing PrEP for gay and bisexual men in Canada, they also felt pressure to take PrEP and have sex without condoms, with younger men tending to feel less anxious about HIV transmission. This reflects shifting social and sexual norms in the era of PrEP and U=U, according to recent qualitative research.

While pre-exposure prophylaxis for HIV (PrEP) has been approved in Canada since 2016, implementation has been impeded by cost challenges. Certain provincial health insurance plans, including British Columbia’s, fully cover PrEP for gay and bisexual men who meet the guidelines. However, this is not the case in other provinces, such as Ontario, where PrEP is fully covered until the age of 25, over the age of 65, and for those receiving disability grants and social assistance. Across Canada, eligible Indigenous people, members of the armed forces and military veterans can access PrEP.

The study

Dr Mark Gaspar from the University of Toronto aimed to better understand PrEP-decision making among HIV-negative gay, bisexual and queer men. Drawing on the PrEP Cascade, which considers readiness for PrEP, seeking PrEP out and discussing it with a healthcare provider, he and colleagues conducted 45 in-depth one-on-one interviews between March and October 2020 (all but one were over Zoom) with men in Ontario and British Columbia.

Forty percent of the men were aged 30-39, while just under a third were between 20-29. Most men identified as cisgender (91%), and gay (87%), while 38% were White, 16% East Asian and 13% Black. Thirty-seven of the 45 men were taking or had taken PrEP. Thirty-eight percent lived in the greater Toronto area, while 33% resided in Vancouver.

The costs of accessing PrEP

The cost of PrEP presented the biggest access barrier, particularly in Ontario.  Some participants said they felt PrEP was “only for rich people” as access to PrEP often depended on having a job with private health insurance and being able to paying the co-pay associated with PrEP. For men participating in the ‘gig economy’ or for those changing jobs and insurance plans, consistent access to PrEP presented a challenge.

While many participants acknowledged that if they wanted to access PrEP, they could do so, they were aware of the effort involved in getting PrEP consistently, including transportation costs and taking time off work to go to medical appointments. Thus, in addition to viewing themselves as at risk for HIV, they also needed to feel that PrEP’s value outweighed all associated costs. For some men, despite seeing themselves as being at a high risk for HIV and needing to access PrEP, cost presented too prohibitive a barrier. For those who could afford PrEP, other barriers were seen as less significant.

Health concerns related to PrEP

Men who were hesitant about taking PrEP tended to voice the strongest concerns about side effects, contracting other STIs and the effectiveness of PrEP. In general, participants agreed that PrEP was highly effective at preventing HIV. Some participants expressed concerns regarding the fact that PrEP contains anti-HIV drugs, and its effects on their kidneys, bones and liver, although none of the interviewees had themselves experienced such problems:

“I don’t have a concern with [immediate, short-term] side-effects. I just haven’t seen what it does to the body. We have to see what it does to the body after five to ten years, or three years, you know?”

One user shared that he would often pause his PrEP due to concern over side effects. However, most men viewed side effects as temporary, or easily reversible if PrEP was stopped.

Another concern related to contracting STIs other than HIV; the necessity of PrEP was questioned if one could simply use condoms to prevent all STIs: 

“Yes, [I am concerned with] side effects and also what’s the . . . if I still need to wear a condom—so a condom is supposed to prevent HIV and other STIs. If you take PrEP it’s going to protect you against HIV but not everything else. So then taking PrEP and using a condom I think is overdoing it. So just use a condom and get it over with. That’s my simple-minded thinking. And I don’t like condoms. So that’s why I would end up with the unsafe sex situation [on PrEP].”

PrEP’s impact on sex

Participants shared varied experiences regarding the effects PrEP had had on their sex lives. Several had more sex and used condoms less. In some relationships, PrEP opened the door to exploring non-monogamy. However, there were some men who stated that their sex life had remained unchanged and questioned whether they needed PrEP. According to one participant: “Like I’m wasting it. Like I’m taking it but I’m still not that [sexually] active, you know?” However, one participant stated that he was glad that he kept taking PrEP, despite not thinking that he needed it at one point. This challenges the notion of risk as fixed and instead indicates that it fluctuates over time, with PrEP being more necessary at some points than at others. Additionally, some men start PrEP not because they see themselves as being at high risk, but rather to try it out and see how it fits in with their sex lives.

“Previously a man could be accused of being promiscuous for taking PrEP, now he was viewed as responsible for doing so.”

Linked to this, many PrEP users shared how they stopped, paused and restarted PrEP at different points. Men spoke about using event-based dosing or planning sex around PrEP dosing, but stated that it was difficult to find accurate information on using PrEP episodically:

“I guess even if someone asks me, oh do you want to have sex and I say yes, if I’m not on PrEP at that time I’ll usually kind of set a date with them a week from now or more than a week so I have time to ramp up the PrEP again.”

PrEP contributed to how men planned both their immediate and future sex lives. One participant stated that he hoped to be in a long-term monogamous relationship once he turned 25, as PrEP would no longer be covered by provincial insurance in Ontario at that age:

“I want to finally settle down, and be with someone exclusively and not have to worry about hooking up and stuff.”

Changing social and sexual norms

Men stated that norms around sex had changed because of PrEP, especially regarding condom use and notions of ‘safe sex’.

“There are some people that just don’t want to use condoms and if you want to have sex with them, that’s kind of where you’re gonna be.”

For some participants, this had a distinct racial element to it, with PrEP being seen as something associated with White gay men. This association meant that some Black gay men would not take it unless other men they knew were taking it, or they could risk being seen to cater to the whims of White men.

“If my Black friends aren’t taking it then I’m obviously not going to take it.”

Glossary

stigma

Social attitudes that suggest that having a particular illness or being in a particular situation is something to be ashamed of. Stigma can be questioned and challenged.

Undetectable = Untransmittable (U=U)

U=U stands for Undetectable = Untransmittable. It means that when a person living with HIV is on regular treatment that lowers the amount of virus in their body to undetectable levels, there is zero risk of passing on HIV to their partners. The low level of virus is described as an undetectable viral load. 

safer sex

Sex in which the risk of HIV and STI transmission is reduced or is minimal. Describing this as ‘safer’ rather than ‘safe’ sex reflects the fact that some safer sex practices do not completely eliminate transmission risks. In the past, ‘safer sex’ primarily referred to the use of condoms during penetrative sex, as well as being sexual in non-penetrative ways. Modern definitions should also include the use of PrEP and the HIV-positive partner having an undetectable viral load. However, some people do continue to use the term as a synonym for condom use.

qualitative

Qualitative research is used to explore and understand people’s beliefs, experiences, attitudes or behaviours. It asks questions about how and why. Qualitative research might ask questions about why people find it hard to use HIV prevention methods. It wouldn’t ask how many people use them or collect data in the form of numbers. Qualitative research methods include interviews, focus groups and participant observation.

event based

In relation to pre-exposure prophylaxis (PrEP), this dosing schedule involves taking PrEP just before and after having sex. It is an alternative to daily dosing that is only recommended for people having anal sex, not vaginal sex. A double dose of PrEP should be taken 2-24 hours before anticipated sex, and then, if sex happens, additional pills 24 hours and 48 hours after the double dose. In the event of sex on several days in a row, one pill should be taken each day until 48 hours after the last sexual intercourse.
Participants also described an evolution of perceptions related to PrEP. Whereas previously a man could be accused of being promiscuous for taking it (“Truvada whores”), he was now viewed as responsible for doing so.

“I would get guys saying, ‘no thanks, I’m not interested’ and I’d be like oh ok, and they’d be like, ‘well you’re on PrEP and I don’t want to hook up because you’re obviously on a whore rampage.’ That’s been said to me a few times. Now it’s like, I talk to guys who aren’t on PrEP and I’m like, ‘what the fuck, you’re not on PrEP, are you crazy?’”

However, some men resisted the pressure to take PrEP. For them, it was either not seen as necessary to ensure sexual safety, or it was viewed as a way for pharmaceutical companies to make a profit from the sex lives of gay men.

While some men on PrEP had become more confident in having sex with men with an undetectable viral load, and there was an acknowledgement that it could make disclosure easier, there were some who still expressed stigma towards those living with HIV in the era of PrEP.

“I’m on PrEP, yeah I feel comfortable hooking up with undetectable people.”

“Nowadays, guys who are [HIV-] positive don’t even feel like they need to tell you that they’re positive. [. . .] I’m just like, I don’t want to do it [have sex with HIV-positive men]. It’s my body I can do whatever the hell I want. It doesn’t mean I don’t understand all the facts.”

Generational differences

There were distinct generational differences in PrEP perceptions. Men who were sexually active in the 80s and 90s viewed it very differently to younger men, who tended to feel less anxious regarding HIV transmission.

“I always assumed that not using a condom equated to AIDS.”

“I’m [in my 40s]. So when I was like 20, like there wasn’t, you know, HIV was still like a death sentence kind of a thing. So, these kinds of things [like PrEP] are exciting, but I guess I yeah . . . I’m not sure, I don’t know what my hesitation is in terms of wanting to take it fully or know more about it.”

“I’ve not had a lot of anxiety around [HIV] transmission, I think part of that was because of that . . . I think more recent medical advancements in the treatment of HIV.”

There was also a sense that all the progress made regarding behavioural interventions would be lost on the younger generation with the advent of PrEP.

“So now to say, yo, take this pill and don’t even think about it. I was like, ugh, fuck, all of those years of behaviour change work sort of scuttled out in one moment.”

“My identity as a queer person, a queer man, was so interlinked with the looming threat of HIV that whether I was conscious of it or not, my early reticence and scepticism around these other options [like PrEP] was almost comparable to that example of an old person going, ‘oh well, I grew up it was really hard and these [younger] motherfuckers have it too easy.’ Well we all should have it a little bit easier, right? And so yeah, I was like, we should all be free of this [fear of HIV].”

Conclusion

“In addition to pragmatic barriers and biomedical concerns, PrEP has significant social implications with its uptake altering sexual practices and sexuality in diverse and complex ways,” the authors conclude. “The more healthcare providers and health promotion experts are able to understand these shifts in sexuality, the better equipped they will be at producing education, soliciting questions, and refining their messages to clients to ensure that gay, bisexual and queer men are making informed choices about PrEP that effectively reduce their risks.”

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Exploring the ornate and provocative at NYC’s Museum of Sex

The entrance to Super Funland, an erotically themed amusement carnival at the NYC Museum of Sex. The museum describes its mission as intending to “preserve and present the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality.”

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“I hope you leave feeling different than when you came in!” a cheery museum attendant calls to a group of people as they exit a small theater labeled “Tunnel of Love,” having just finished experiencing a “four-dimensional, abstract, artistic rendition of an orgy.”

Equal parts education, art and entertainment, the Museum of Sex draws attendees in with its playful advertising and taboo subject nature, with an interior that sparks thoughtful conversation about a wide range of topics. Queer identities and inclusion, the entertainment industry, pregnancy, abortion and sexual exploitation are all explored through historical artifacts, film and art. The museum describes its mission as intending to “preserve and present the history, evolution and cultural significance of human sexuality.”

The museum spans four floors and is cyclical in nature, both beginning and ending in a large gift shop. After entering through the store, there is a staircase that leads to the first floor, which is made up of a large room full of historical paraphernalia housed behind little windows. There seems to be no categorical order to the items, which include adult toys and clothing, anatomical models, OBGYN tools and explicit “how-to” guides. Many of these items were donated to the museum from personal collections of important activists in queer and sexual liberation scenes. All items are accompanied by notecards that not only explain the inventions and functions of the artifacts themselves, but also the historical and political context of the time they were made and any controversies that may have arisen due to their creation.

NYC’s sex museum invites you to take a risqué ride through history!

The second floor is an art gallery currently showing an exhibit titled “F*ck Art: The Body and its Absence.” The exhibit showcases pieces of art that explore themes of sexuality and identity from artists of many different cultural backgrounds, including works by Native American 2Spirit, Latinx, African American, Asian, Caribbean and Queer and Disabled artists. Many of these artists are also native New Yorkers. The gallery includes sculpture, painting, photography, mixed media and film pieces that display a variety of attitudes towards sex and sexual liberation.

The third floor currently houses an exhibit called “Porno Chic to Sex Positivity: Erotic Content & the Mainstream.” This exhibit explores the history of sex and sexual exploitation in American media starting from the 1960s, all the way up to that of the current day. The room begins with walls of magazine advertisements and props from television commercials with notecards that detail the sexual controversy that followed their airing. The tales of outrage were spurred by anything from the sexual exploitation of women to the placement of women in traditionally male positions of sexual power.

Past these artifacts there is a theater proudly displaying a banner with the words “Scandalous Scenes of Cinema” printed across it. Inside the theater, visitors are welcome to sit and watch both implicitly and explicitly sexual clips from mainstream movies that have scandalized audiences since their airing. Along the back wall of the room, behind the cinema, is a series of tall stalls labeled respectively with a decade. Aiming to present the evolution of sex as heard in music, visitors can step inside a stall to listen to music and watch the accompanying music video from each decade. The final wall of the room is dedicated to artifacts, much like the first floor, but relating to sexuality specifically within the music industry.

The third floor serves not only as the final floor of the museum, but the first floor of “Super Funland,” the accompanying amusement to the museum and the reason so many bachelorette parties frequent the building. Super Funland echoes the three-floor nature of the museum, but flowing down the stairs instead of up. To enter Super Funland, visitors are guided down a hallway featuring old carnival pictures and mirrored dioramas depicting the underground, risqué history of carnivals while they wait to be seated for the next showing of a six minute film about the history of the carnival, starting from ancient Greek times all the way up to today. After the film, the museum’s very own “Erotic Carnival” begins.

After exiting the film there is a large hallway with kaleidoscopic video footage from Coney Island that leads to a room of traditional carnival games — with a rather provocative twist. In Skee-ball visitors are assigned a different “God of Sex” as their icon, claw machines contain sperm and eggplant shaped pillows, the bounce house is fashioned out of balloons shaped like female breasts, and the entrance to the “Tunnel of Love” promises viewers an incredibly unique, four dimensional experience.

Going down the stairs to the second floor, one will immediately be welcomed by a spinning sign that says “Pornamatic,” where budding stars can step into a photo booth to see their faces on the — X-rated — silver screen. This room is perfect for couples, with a machine that dispenses wedding vows and rings, as well as a game where couples who kiss for at least thirty seconds can spin a wheel to win prizes. Most of the room is dominated by a collection of pink posts that you can climb up to reach a slide, with the entrance fashioned to look like a red-painted mouth.

The slide is long, winding and contains rainbow multicolored lights that blink wildly as you slip down to the first floor. The first floor contains the museum’s bar, as well as several themed photo booths and a few more carnival games. Exiting will bring you back into the same gift shop that houses the entrance, though with a renewed sense of wonder at all of the items within.

Overall, the Museum of Sex does a wonderful job of balancing “business and pleasure,” ensuring an educational, but never dull, experience for its attendees. Tickets include both museum and Superfunland admission, as well as one round of each carnival ride and game. It’s easy to win little knick-knacks for free as souvenirs, in case a friend asks you what you were up to this weekend. The elevator is currently non-operational due to ongoing repairs, so anybody in need of accessible accommodation is encouraged to call ahead to ensure a smooth experience. Admission is solely for those 18 and up.

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How to close an open relationship

How to close an open relationship

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Over the past few years, conversations about polyamory have become more and more commonplace.

In fact, recent research by Lovehoney has uncovered that, as Brits become more sexually explorative and adventurous than ever, one in four Brits say they would consider an open relationship or some kind of polyamory in their lives, while 31% of Brits do not believe in monogamy at all.

Often when we speak about non-monogamy, there’s an assumption that decisions about the dynamic of a relationship made between couples (whether they’re about polyamory or anything else really) are permanent and unchangeable. A common misconception in relationships is that once a boundary is laid down, it’s immobile.

That myth can put people off trying an open relationship. A quick scroll through the non monogamy subreddit will show bouts of people concerned that an open relationship may have no end if they come to dislike it, or already do.

But while boundaries should always be respected, they’re subject to change as individuals and couples grow. If a relationship dynamic is making you uncomfortable, you have every right to negotiate with your partner and propose a new chapter.

Closing open relationships is more common than you might think. Hairdresser Izzy, 31, and her husband shift manager James, 35, opened their marriage after five years of being in a relationship and one year of marriage.

‘We’re both bisexual but neither of us have had a chance to explore things with the opposite sex, always being in hetero relationships,’ Izzy tells Metro.co.uk. ‘We decided to give each other that chance as like a gift.’

For two years, they loved having an open relationship.

‘Neither of us got serious with other people and we still had sex with one another and made lots of time for dates,’ Izzy shares. ‘In a way nothing changed between us really, just I slept with women and Jake slept with men and we felt like we were finally getting to explore our queer identities.’

Things changed for the couple when Izzy got pregnant.

She tells us: ‘Lots of poly couples make a pregnancy work. I’ve seen couples who involve the other partners and the kid gets to have a load of parents who all of them. For us, though, it felt icky.

Multiethnic couple holding hands and walking
Communication is key

‘Being pregnant made me want to close our relationship again and just focus on the three of us, at least for the time being.’

Bella and James think they will eventually re-open their relationship but not until their child, now six months old, is a bit older.

‘I think because we weren’t serious with any of our partners, it didn’t feel natural to involve polyamory with our pregnancy or keep it going,’ Bella adds. ‘And soon I would be so big that sex would kind of be off the cards, wouldn’t it?’

Thankfully for the couple, closing the relationship wasn’t a huge deal.

‘Again I think because we didn’t have any romantic attachment to any of the people we were sleeping with, like we weren’t serious or committed to any of them, [closing the relationship] was sort of easy,’ Bella explains. ‘When we found out we were pregnant, we both just kind of said we should probably stop.’

Gigi Engle, a certified sex educator who specialises in relationship diversity, says closing a relationship can be complicated, ‘but so is opening a relationship’. The key is good old communication.

She tells us: ‘If both partners are down to close the relationship, it’s totally doable. You just have to be on the same page about it.

‘But the thing about open relationships (and relationships in general) is that both people have to want that style of relationship for the relationship to thrive.’

She adds that if one partner wants an open relationship and one partner wants a closed relationship, this is a recipe for disaster.

She continues: ‘Really, what it comes down to is, are you okay with it if your partner wants to close the relationship?

‘If you don’t want to close it, is that a compromise you’re willing to make? It’s really okay if you don’t want to close it, and it’s okay if you do.’

Cropped hands of lesbian couple holding hands against purple background
It’s okay for your relationship to change

If you are on different pages, Engle suggests involving a qualified psychosexual therapist to try to work through that conversation, ‘because you’re fundamentally incompatible on this topic’.

‘It may have to end the relationship, which isn’t a bad thing because you deserve to live your truth,’ Gigi comments.

‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting to close your open relationship. A lot of couples who have close really open relationships often close them at least for periods of time.

‘For instance, like when one partner gets pregnant, the couple may decide to close the relationship during the time of the pregnancy because there’s so much emotional support needed.’

Students Sammi*, 22, and Danielle*, 21, opened their relationship after they’d been together for three years.

Sammi tells Metro.co.uk: ‘My partner had never been with a male before and wanted to experiment, I was eager to explore being open and sleeping with other people except my partner, we didn’t have sex particularly often as we both take antidepressants and find our libidos don’t line up as often as we’d like.’

The couple discussed the idea for a while, downloading dating apps together and making sure they understood and respected each other’s boundaries, before starting to see other people.

‘Soon we started dating others and further on, we ended up having threesomes with people we had each met individually which was an exciting experience,’ Sammi shares. ‘But my partner struggled with this and found it hard to articulate their exact feelings as they weren’t sure what they were feeling themselves.’

Eventually Sammi’s partner, who is non-binary, realised the envy they were feeling wasn’t over Sammi sleeping with men, but over the men themselves.

‘In the end, my partner realised that actually the jealousy was more envy of the males I was meeting as they themselves did not identify as female,’ Sammi explains. ‘We decided to close the relationship again as it brought up feelings we didn’t want to have to work through.

‘So basically our open relationship triggered a gender identity crisis for my partner but ended in an awakening.’

Sammi also realised that she was having sex with men for validation, and she and her partner found this unhealthy – adding another reason to close the relationship.

The conversation about closing their open relationship was made a lot easier because they’d discussed the importance of communicating any and all feelings right when they first discussed polyamory.

Sammi says: ‘We didn’t have a timescale in mind, just for as long as we both enjoyed it and felt we wanted it to be open.

‘I really can’t emphasise the importance of communication during this time as I really think it would have ended us if we couldn’t be open and discuss these things without judgement from the other side.’

Gigi recommends discussing the potential closure of an open relationship from the very beginning, when you first discuss the idea of opening the relationship.

‘When opening, it has to be clear that this might not work and that you’re willing to work through that possibility together,’ she says.

If you want to close your open relationship, these conversations can’t be avoided.

‘You should be living your most authentic life so that you don’t end up miserable and resentful of your partner,’ Gigi says.

She adds that some people go back and forth on opening and closing their relationships, while others open their relationship for a few years then close it again because they’re done with that part of their sexual exploration.

‘It’s completely fine to do and doesn’t make you boring,’ Gigi shares. ‘It doesn’t mean that you’re doing anything wrong.

‘After many years, relationships shift, they change, they never stay stagnant.

‘And what works for you at one point in your life may not work in another.’

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6 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re Considering an Open Relationship

A therapist explains how to know if ethical nonmonogamy is right for you.

By Marie Southard Ospina

Many of us grow up alongside narratives of a “happily ever after” one-soulmate-kind-of love, but this cultural ideal is far from a universal reality—or even a universal desire. Just like someone might have several friends who meet various social needs, there are a lot of people, myself included, who crave more than one romantic or sexual partner. And if that’s the case—and you’re already committed to one partner—it makes sense that you might be interested in the idea of an open relationship.

That decision is a hugely personal one of course, and it’s important to recognize that open relationships, where two partners consensually agree to seek sex and/or love outside of their existing relationship, aren’t for everyone. They can feel complicated and, at times, downright messy—not only because many of us live in societies that don’t support nonmonogamy, but also because open relationships can bring up issues around jealousy, boundaries, and relationship goals that can all be pretty intense to navigate.

That said, they can also be incredibly fulfilling. To help you decide whether some kind of open arrangement makes sense for your love life, we asked Dulcinea Alex Pitagora, PhD, LCSW, a New York City–based therapist who specializes in nonmonogamous relationships, for the most important questions to ponder before opening up an existing relationship.

1. What does an “open relationship” mean to you?

If you’re researching this topic for the first time, you’ll likely come across a whole lot of new vocabulary, but the umbrella term for most types of open relationships is ethical nonmonogamy (ENM)—a dynamic in which transparency and communication are at the core of the choices you and your partner(s) make.

Polyamory—having more than one intimate relationship at once—is one way to practice ENM, but there are different types of polyamorous arrangements. For example, you may end up realizing that you align best with a “hierarchical polyamory” dynamic, in which you prioritize one primary relationship over the others. Or, you may prefer “nonhierarchical polyamory,” where every partnership is treated as equal.

Swinging is another form of ENM in which committed couples engage in strictly sexual activities with other couples or single people at the same time. Or maybe a couple wants to date other people together, whether that be with an occasional casual hook-up or in an entirely new relationship structure (like a triad, with three partners being equally committed to one another).

Whether you identify strongly with a preexisting structure or not, though, it’s important to remember that ethical nonmonogamy can be about rewriting the scripts we’re often given when it comes to love and sex—and that ultimately means you’re free to create whatever structure works for you and your partner(s).

2. Why do you really want to do this?

There are a lot of reasons why a couple might consider opening up their existing relationship. A 2022 article published in the journal Sexologies outlined eight potential motivations for polyamory, including fulfillment of needs not met in a monogamous relationship, expression of political values, and the desire to belong to a community.

Asking yourself and your partner whether you’re drawn to having more sex, more love, or some combination of the two can help you start to identify your motivations for exploring an open relationship—as well as whether or not you could both get your needs met by ENM.

3. Are you hoping to “fix” a troubled relationship?

Ethical nonmonogamy isn’t a magical cure for any and all relationship problems. For example, sometimes one partner has come to identify as nonmonogamous while the other hasn’t—but perhaps feels they should embrace nonmonogamy in order to “save” the relationship. In these instances, Dr. Pitagora says doing so might mean that one or both partners end up having to compromise facets of their identities or relationship goals—which can ultimately cause the relationship to break down.

The same is true for partners who are struggling in potentially irreparable ways, but are perhaps “too enmeshed or codependent to break up,” they say. This might look like irreconcilable differences in the desire to become a parent (maybe one person wants children, while the other does not), conflicting morals and values, or the age-old issue that is simply falling out of love.

“Exploring nonmonogamy tends to highlight strengths and weaknesses in relationships, which provides opportunities for personal and relationship growth,” they add. “Along with that growth might come a realization that an open arrangement could help both partners feel more satisfied—or that the relationship isn’t working.”

4. Do you feel comfortable talking about boundaries?

Even in the most established relationships (between parent and child, close friends, or romantic partners), many of us struggle to communicate our needs. For folks opening up their relationships, however, learning each other’s boundaries and fully respecting them is crucial, Dr. Pitagora says.

There are a lot of necessary conversations to have when you’re considering bringing other people into your romantic life, including discussions around the practicalities of your situation: where you’ll meet other people; where you’ll be intimate; whether you’ll be introducing them to friends, family, or children; how you’d like to divide your time; and many more. And these boundaries may need to be negotiated, to make sure both people are comfortable with the perimeters.

 

If you struggle with communicating your boundaries, though, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t have a healthy open relationship. Dr. Pitagora suggests first telling your partner about your fears. You can say something like, “I’m curious about an open relationship but I’m worried that I won’t be able to be honest with you about my feelings, or that you won’t respect my needs.” If your partner isn’t receptive and reassuring, that’s a sign that opening the relationship probably isn’t a good idea, they say, since, again, communication and respecting boundaries are crucial for ENM to work.

If even having that conversation freaks you out, it’s okay to take your time getting used to boundary-setting before you explore ENM further. Dr. Pitagora recommends first practicing communicating your needs in “low stakes situations,” like verbalizing an implicit boundary with a close friend—something like, “I appreciate how we don’t text after 10 p.m. when I have to get up early for work the next day, can we keep doing that and call it a boundary?”

You might then try a more challenging boundary—maybe asking a not-so-close friend not to text you after 10. Finally, you can raise the stakes further still by telling your partner what you are and aren’t comfortable with when it comes to an open relationship. “It’s an ongoing practice that eventually will feel easier with time and repetition,” Dr. Pitagora says. They also note that if you have a hard time expressing your needs and boundaries in relationships, individual therapy can be extremely beneficial.

5. How do you deal with jealousy?

Whether you’re monogamous or nonmonogamous, jealousy is one of those very human emotions that can creep up even when you don’t necessarily expect it. If you’re opening up your relationship, however, you’ll have to be willing to dissect the heck out of those feelings and contemplate the ways your jealousy might be a problem.

For instance, do you lash out with aggression, or become insular and unwilling to discuss your feelings? Or maybe you ignore those feelings entirely and pretend everything is okay while they eat you up inside? All of these reactions are signs that your jealousy could get in the way of the healthy communication required for a successful open relationship.

“Jealousy, like all emotions, contains valuable information about something we need to heal from or some need that’s not being met,” Dr. Pitagora explains. The reality of a newly open relationship is that it might bring jealousy to the forefront, but ultimately this can give partners an opportunity to reflect. Slowing down, contemplating your feelings, and collaborating with your partner is a healthy approach to jealousy, and you can also practice it in advance of opening up a relationship, they add.

For example, maybe the thought of multiple partners makes you feel insecure about the strength of your primary partnership, and dedicated couple time might help ease that discomfort. Or perhaps you realize that you’re feeling undervalued, and a more even distribution of household chores would help you feel more appreciated before you consider an open arrangement.

6. Do you rely on other people to validate your worth?

Self-acceptance is being marketed to us left and right these days and there’s a lot of noise out there about how you need to love yourself before you can love somebody else (or multiple somebody elses, in this case). But that journey isn’t typically linear, and you don’t necessarily have to “love yourself fully” (whatever that means) before you welcome other types of love into your life.

 

“Humans need other humans to live, and feeling validated through love from others is healthy, regardless of one’s level of security,” Dr. Pitagora explains. In fact, feeling loved or validated by others can ultimately increase personal feelings of self-worth, they say, in a psychological phenomenon known as positive “reflected appraisals”—when people perceive someone else’s appraisal of them as positive, their self-perception can become more positive, too.

That said, “if someone is completely reliant on someone else’s love and validation for a feeling of self-worth, that can be problematic, in that they may not be able to function if that other person is no longer available to provide love and validation,” Dr. Pitagora says. “And if working on self-compassion feels really uncomfortable to someone, I would say it’s likely they fall into that category.”

Basically, you shouldn’t necessarily rely on someone else (or multiple partners) for your entire sense of self-worth or fulfillment, but there’s no shame in craving more love and validation from others. And if that love and validation come in the form of an open relationship that feels good to all parties involved, then ethical nonmonogamy might be your happily ever after.

As Dr. Pitagora puts it, if both partners feel that an open relationship could help satisfy some of their unmet emotional and/or physical needs and “a couple has good communication practices in place, a foundation of trust, and a willingness to put in the hard work that usually takes place in the beginning of a nonmonogamous learning curve, then I say go for it.”

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What is Pegging?

Understanding the Sex Act You Might’ve Just Heard About

by Katherine Speller

If you’re here you are probably the right mix of open-minded and curious to want to find out what pegging is, exactly. Maybe you had a partner ask you about trying it when you mix things up, a match on a dating app with a love for anal play mentioned it in passing or maybe you watched the now-iconic pegging episode of Broad City and it caught your attention. That’s not at all surprising.

Now, we’re not here (nor are we ever here) to pass judgement on what anyone likes in bed or who they do it with, provided all parties involved are grown-up, game and thoroughly into it. So if you’re looking for pearl clutching, finger wagging or whatever, this probably isn’t going to be the strap-on festooned post for you. Sorry!

But we are here to explain pegging to the thus far uninitiated. And, really, it’s not that scary or scandalous at all.

So what is pegging?

The term “pegging” was first coined by Dan Savage all the way back in 2001 to describe when a cisgender man is penetrated by a partner who is a cis-female using a strap-on. But as attitudes around gender and gendered roles of who “naturally” gives and receives penetration have evolved, enlightened and grown up, the term is now used to describe most penetration with a strap-on (which is just a two-piece sex toy that includes a dildo for penetrating and a harness to keep it on the person doing said penetrating).

Not to make it all sound underwhelming or uninteresting, because it most certainly isn’t that! But what is referred to as “pegging” is also literally just how some people with some body parts have intercourse depending on who likes what sensations. So that’s to say that it’s not particularly kinky or (snort) deviant in the realm of sexual pleasure humans enjoy — so, while there’s no reason to feel shame for any of your desires, there’s additionally no reason to feel weird or shameful about being into it.

How does it work?

We’ll have a variety of answers to this one because bodies and tastes are so wonderfully diverse! But the short answer is: Like any other kind of penetration.

For people taking their first steps into anal play in general, I’d very much advise you pick up a toy and anal-friendly lubricant
— as that hole is not self-lubricating and not all lubes play well with sex toys— and some fun toys of varying sizes (with flared bases please!) to get started. This will help all partners get a feel for what they like, what feels good and what maybe gets to the edge of their comfort zones. You definitely start with a thorough conversation and negotiation of those comfort zones and maybe a finger before getting too deep (literally or figuratively) with additional toys.

Once you’re sure you’re comfortable and sure you’re both into it, you’ll want to invest in a strap-on with the right fit: You’ll want something that can be hands-free, comfortable (there are inclusive sizes available at a lot of your favorite sex toy retailers!) and provide the giver with the pleasure they want and that also has a dildo — or several — that aligns with what their partner being penetrated would like to experience.

There are smaller strap-ons designed for beginners that are less intense and girthy, so don’t freak out if you come across something that seems too big early on in your shopping experience. Feel free to search out “small strap ons for pegging” too and see if you can’t find something that feels like a fit. There might be some trial and error along the way and that’s totally fine!

From there, you’ll just want to make sure you’re practicing safe and responsible sexual citizenship: Use a safe-word or stoplight system if you feel it’s necessary (the red, yellow and green can be helpful for making each step a little more explicit and bypass some awkward fumbling), check in with your partner throughout the actual intercourse and aftercare, practice good sex toy hygiene which, in addition to thoroughly cleaning your toys, means using condoms if you would otherwise be using condoms.

Why does it feel good?

Again, the exact mechanics of what feels good and why will vary depending on the biological equipment each individual is packing and their own tastes. But the short answer is: All kinds of bodies have nerve endings in strategic places that will get stimulated from this kind of play.

For people with penises and prostates the pleasure from being on the receiving end of penetrative sex takes place in the prostate, primarily. Often referred to as the P-spot or the male G-spot (though, to be clear, not everyone with a prostate is a male!), the prostate is the gland that produces some of the fluids in semen, as WebMD notes, and is surrounded by nerve endings that can be an awesome source of pleasure and even cause orgasms when it’s stimulated or massaged either through penetration or via stimulating the perineum (the area between the scrotum and the anus).

So pegging is a great opportunity to achieve that pleasure via penetration (usually with a toy, once the receiver is ready for one). But these folks might also benefit from the friction and thrust if they’re in a face-down position, so it can be an experience with tons of opportunities for stimulation. Strap-ons can also be used by people with penises who either don’t want to or can’t penetrate the way they’d like to with theirs (particularly for people dealing with cases of Erectile Dysfunction) or other organic penetration issues. Some are even cool for double penetration!

Meanwhile people with vulvas on the giving end (whether penetrating another partner with a vulva or penetrating any partner anally), the pleasure is all about the clitoral stimulation you get from grinding against the toy (not unlike dry-humping). Some also have vibrating functions, of which we’re obviously fans. People with vulvas receiving this kind of penetration probably doesn’t need explaining, but rest assured: It feels good for them too!

But since the most powerful human sex organ remains the brain, the pleasure can also come from there.

Particularly if you’re someone who was socialized as a cis-man and internalized the scripts about consistently being the giver of penetration and pleasure (or socialized as a cis-woman to believe you’re meant to only be the receiver), there’s an excitement and validation that comes with flipping these scripts and embracing wholly the kind of sex that feels right to you and your body with your partner. Which can be really cool, if not totally euphoric to experience! Mix that up with all the nerve endings being stimulated and you’re set up for a pretty fun time. Mix and match with any of your other various kinks and interests and you might be unlocking a whole new layer to the pleasure you and your partner(s) can have.

Though it might seem intimidating at the outset, pegging is just another of the many ways people can experience all the sexual and sensual pleasure their bodies have to offer. So if it’s caught your interest and your partner is on board, you shouldn’t be afraid to give it a try.

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How I’m Unlearning My Shame About Sex

— One Orgasm At A Time

By Carli Whitwell

I don’t remember the first time I felt tingles “down there.” It may have been watching Marlena and John hooking up on Days of Our Lives, which my mom and I tuned into every afternoon after she picked me up from kindergarten. It may have been when I snuck a glimpse at the sexy scenes in one of the Danielle Steel novels stacked on her nightstand next to her glasses and hand lotion. It may have been making my Barbies kiss and rub their plastic pelvises together.

But I do remember the first time I told someone about that strange, definitely not unpleasant feeling beneath my belly button. I was five or six and at a family barbecue when I confided to my aunt and my mom that watching people kissing made my vagina feel funny. My aunt joked that my parents would have to keep an eye on me as I got older and my mom hugged me and laughed in that confusing way that adults do. All I could think was: Is there something wrong with those little pulses? And: I better not talk about them to anyone ever again.

That feeling, I know now, was shame. So many of us have been taught to feel this way about sex. Society’s moralizing of sexual pleasure has a way of sticking with you, even when you don’t realize you’re taking it in. Which we do, all the time — at home, at school, on our screens, in a bar, on the subway. And I say this recognizing the inherent privilege of my sexual coming of age: I’m a cis straight white woman. Anyone who exists outside the arbitrary lines of sexuality that have been drawn for us is likely to question themselves that much more. Unlearning that shame — where it comes from, where you’re holding it tightly inside you — can take a lifetime.

I wanted to embrace those tingles. In high school, like most teens, I was hornier than a Sally Rooney novel. I spent a lot of time “reading” dirty novels while pretending, like the rest of my friends, that masturbation was gross and something only boys did. I definitely wasn’t saving myself (my parents were pretty liberal despite their own sexual hangups) and yet my sex life was nonexistent. I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 17. I lost my virginity at 23. I can’t say if my reticence was entirely a result of my feelings of shame around sex (I was also struggling with a pretty intense, undiagnosed anxiety disorder in my teens) but I know that I wanted to and wished to be intimate with someone, and something was holding me back.

I didn’t want to be the girl who gave it up; I felt that I should be in love and in a relationship to enjoy sexual pleasure. I had the stifling notion that my sexual awakening should live up to something I’d read about or watched or seen play out in the cafeteria. When I did start having sex, it was fun, sure, but often I had trouble climaxing; sometimes I still struggle with it. My orgasms have always been private, done alone and under the covers. For a long time, letting go in front of someone else felt impossible. Nice girls don’t (publicly) enjoy sex, after all.

As a former health editor I’ve read and written a ton about sex and pleasure and, ever an A+ student, I’ve tried to apply everything I’ve soaked up to my hesitancies around pleasure. My biggest breakthrough came a few years ago when I went to see a sex therapist for a one-time session. I remember the sense of relief when she reaffirmed that everything I was feeling was normal. She also reminded me that retraining the way our brain functions around anxiety and sex and shame takes time and work. Just hearing that was enough to lighten some of the pressure I’d been carrying around for years.

Now, I’m learning to find pleasure from sex from start to finish. I know what will get me off and what definitely won’t (stop spending so much time on my damn nipples!). Most importantly, I’m not afraid or embarrassed to kick my partner out of the room, close the door and take matters into my own hands.

I’m trying to be kind to my eight-year-old self and I’ve been watching other people celebrate this agency too. Even TikTok has made me feel less alone, (armrest of the couch meme, anyone?) hearing from others who have experienced the same things and are also muddling their way through, one baby step at a time, sometimes taking a step forward, sometimes taking two steps back.

After all, we are all works in progress and that’s okay too. When my parents moved out of my childhood home recently, I came to help them and my father and I were packing up my bookshelf and found the stack of dirty books I’d hidden behind my French textbooks and Harry Potter collection. I resisted the urge to run from the room and find a new identity. Instead I paused and said calmly: “It’s natural.”

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