By Gigi Engle
We put so much emphasis on our “values.” Whether in life, work, or love, nearly all of us have been encouraged to explore what is important to us. This same enthusiasm is not extended to sexuality. Why? Because we’re not a society that thinks sex is all that important. Other things are always given priority, like work, kids, school, paying the bills, and exercise. These things are always seen as more important than our sex lives.
Needless to say, it really shouldn’t be this way. Just like having values in life, we need to have core values when it comes to sex. Sexual values are linked to our personal feelings about what is acceptable and desirable behavior. Understanding what these values are is crucial to developing stable relationships.
If this is all sounding like a lot of philosophy without a ton of practicality, hang in there. This stuff takes patience and practice – and a whole lot of self-reflection.
What are sexual values?
At this point, you may be wondering how your “values” can be extended into sex. And that’s why we’re here: To give you that sweet tea. It’s quite simple when you break it down.
In a nutshell: sexual values are linked to our personal feelings about what is acceptable and desirable behavior. Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, explains to TheBody that sexual values are a special subset of values that specifically pertain to sexual behaviors, turn-ons/offs, and pleasure.
We humans are not a one-size-fits-all kind of crowd. We all want and need different things from sex. “Sexual values support individuals in developing a roadmap for making sexual decisions based on what truly matters to them,” Dr. Nazanin Moali, a sex therapist and the host of the Sexology podcast, tells TheBody.
Essentially, what determines your sexual values is how you feel about sex and what makes sex the best it can be for you. As with all our values, we need to think about our sexual values, codify them, and apply them to our lives to obtain and sustain the most desirable sex lives (and sexual partners) possible. Sex is just as important as all other aspects of life and it deserves attention.
How sexual values develop
While on the journey to understand what your sexual values are, you may want to consider how your feelings about sex itself have developed and grown throughout your life. There is a whole boatload of external and internal factors that lead us to develop certain attitudes about sex, Moali tells us.
Let’s break down external factors and internal factors. External factors are those that come from outside of us. These include messages we received in childhood about sex, what our partners believe about sex and pleasure, and, maybe most critically, the type of sex education we received. As for internal factors, these are what’s going on in that cute little mind and body of yours. These include your general temperament, your willingness to explore novelty, and your libido.
This can get messy when we have received negative or critical messages about sex and our value as sexual beings. If we come from a background of sex-negativity (which, to be honest, basically everyone does), determining what actually makes “good sex” can be terribly confusing and even distressing.
Start by thinking about some of your “bad” or unsatisfactory sexual experiences – excluding situations where assault occurred. The negative feelings that occurred during or post sex can help indicate conflicts within a sexual value system. “Our emotions are our internal navigation system and sometimes when we experience a negative emotion it may be [a] result of engaging in a sexual behavior that conflicts with our value system,” Moali says.
It’s important to take time to figure out those feelings, why they happened, and how to avoid them in the future is a pivotal part of unpicking where your values are based.
Why it’s important to have strong sexual values
Understanding our sexual values can help us have better, more fulfilling sex lives – and better, more stable relationships with our partners (casual, serious, or otherwise). Many of us have sexual desires that go against the sex-negative messages we grew up with, and when we don’t know what our sexual values are because of these conflicts, it makes making sexual decisions difficult.
When it comes to partners, feeling confident with our sexual values will help identify red flags in ill-suited partners, while encouraging the development of authentic connections with partners who are better matches for us.
These values are important because they allow us to have sexual connections and relationships that help us feel satisfied and sexually fulfilled, and can create strong, healthy sexual and romantic relationships. Sharing sexual values “makes a relationship stronger when both individuals have defined values that they have shared with each other,” Moali says. “It provides a shared language and framework for couples to communicate clearly on what is important for them in a relationship.”
All in all, Moali says that “cultivating a sex life based on our values promotes well-being inside and outside the bedroom.” It’s good for us in all aspects of life and therefore deserves some serious attention.
Questions to ask yourself when discovering your sexual values
Most people don’t have an answer to questions like: What matters to you in a relationship? What matters to you during sex? What do you like about sex? What makes sex good for you? What is an ideal experience?
These are all questions you can (and should) ask yourself when you’re attempting to figure out your values. “If you’ve ever done a personal values audit when it comes to the rest of your life – for example, in your personal life, health, relationships, career, business, or spirituality; it’s the same concept [as this], but for your sexuality,” Rowett says.
Journaling can be very beneficial here because it puts all your thoughts into writing. Rowett suggests prompts could be:
Things that are a hot yes in a partner are… Things that are a hell no in a partner are… My sexual non-negotiables are… What I most need to feel sexually and erotically satisfied is…, The emotional needs that need to be met in my sexual relationship are…, If I could only have the sex and intimacy that nourished my soul and lit me up, it would be…
From here, you can start to discern certain patterns, words, and behaviors that seem to follow positive and negative experiences. And from there, you can distill what core values might be for you.
This is a core concept for coming into your own as a fully realized sexual being. It’s all about the journey and we have to be willing to look inward and self-reflect to get the most out of this wild ride.
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