Month: August 2022

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Early sexual experiences could lead to healthier sex later in life

In her research, Diana Peragine encountered study after study that suggested an early sexual debut poses a risk to sexual health and sets the stage for a long list of negative outcomes, from unplanned pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections to sexual exploitation and abuse.

“Research has traditionally cast first sexual intercourse as a young person’s sexual debut and focused on the public health concerns that it raises – documenting its onset, its causes, and its consequences as a problem behaviour not unlike adolescent drinking and drug use,” says Peragine, a doctoral candidate in psychology at the University of Toronto Mississauga.

“As a result, there’s this long body of evidence linking an earlier sexual debut to adverse sexual health outcomes.”

But Peragine wondered if the earlier studies painted a complete picture.

So, she teamed up with her colleagues and looked at the idea of sexual debut in a broader sense. That includes other important firsts beyond intercourse – such as first sexual contact, first sexual stimulation and first orgasm.

The researchers also looked at the impact these experiences had on future sexual functioning, which had rarely been covered in previous research.

They discovered that people who have these first sexual experiences earlier are more likely to have better sexual functioning later in adulthood, and those who delay these experiences are more likely to face sexual difficulties down the road.

Peragine, along with fellow U of T researchers Malvina Skorska, Jessica Maxwell and Professor Emily Impett and Associate Professor Doug VanderLaan, detailed their findings in the study “The Risks and Benefits of Being ‘Early to Bed’: Toward a Broader Understanding of Age at Sexual Debut and Sexual Health in Adulthood” in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The researchers surveyed 3,139 adults to learn when they had sexual intercourse, sexual contact, sexual stimulation and an orgasm for the first time. Participants were also asked about their sexual history in the previous four weeks – specifically, if they had any difficulties with orgasms, desire, arousal and sexual satisfaction.

“Those with an earlier sexual debut had fewer sexual difficulties in many of these domains, and therefore healthier sexual function,” Peragine says.

She adds that it’s tricky to say exactly when an early sexual debut has occurred because “early” has been defined in many ways including before marriage, before the age of consent, before adolescence and even before the development of sexual readiness – and there’s still no consensus on its definition today.

“All these different markers have been used to define an earlier sexual debut, but none of them have really been universally agreed upon,” she says, adding that the average age for sexual intercourse among the study’s participants was 17.

The study also found that 93 per cent of participants indicated they had already had some sexual experience before engaging in intercourse, including previous sexual contact, orgasm and sexual stimulation.

Peragine says capturing sexual experiences beyond intercourse was important because adolescence is a time of sexual discovery and experimentation, and intercourse rarely marks the onset of sexual activity for young people. In fact, she says research suggests that other sexual debuts are becoming more common with each passing generation.

She adds that healthy sexual function is critical to sexual health and should be counted among the potential health outcomes of an early sexual debut.

“Heathy sexual function is a prerequisite for healthy sex, which should be pleasurable in addition to being safe and consensual,” she says. “It is also a growing priority when defining and managing sexual health. It includes an absence of difficulties with desire, arousal and orgasm, as well an absence of pain during sex and satisfaction with sexual activity.”

Peragine says the team also found that earlier exposures to some experiences, such as orgasm, seemed to bolster sexual interest and excitability. However, women tended to have these experiences years after men did – and their delay may be reflected in women’s higher rates of sexual desire and arousal disorders compared to men.

Peragine hopes the study will shed new light on early sexual experiences and the positive health impacts these events have later in life. She also hopes this research could better inform sexual education – particularly abstinence-only education.

“Abstinence-only education … stresses that no sexuality is healthy sexuality for adolescents,” she says. “Our findings not only contradict this view, but (indicate) that efforts to delay sexual activity may carry a risk themselves.

Peragine adds that abstinence-only education “might even be detrimental to young people’s sexual health in the long run – at least with respect to the capacity for functional and healthy sex.”

The research was supported by the Natural Sciences and Engineering Research Council of Canada, the Canadian Institutes of Health Research and the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council of Canada.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Sexsomnia Real

— and Could You Have It and Not Know It?

Sleep-sex episodes are rare sleep-related disorders

You’ve heard of talking in your sleep and walking in your sleep. But what about having sex in your sleep? Can that actually happen?

Sexsomnia is a type of sleep disorder known as a parasomnia. You may experience sensations and behaviors while asleep, falling asleep or even waking up with parasomnias. When it comes to sexsomnia, you may engage in masturbation or even engage in sex with others.

Sleep specialist and neurologist Marri Horvat, MD, MS, explains this rare sleep disorder and what to do if you think you have sexsomnia.

What is sexsomnia?

Also known as sleep sex, sexsomnia is when you engage in sexual activity when you’re asleep. And it’s quite likely you don’t know you’re doing it.

In rare cases, some people exhibit sexual behaviors during a deep sleep and have no memory of it, says Dr. Horvat.

“In sexsomnia, the sexual behavior can be outside your normal behavior or it can be your normal sexual behavior,” she explains. “But you’re unaware it’s occurring, and it’s unintentional.”

How does sexsomnia work? 

Like sleepwalking, sexsomnia is a parasomnia, a sleep-related disorder that occurs when you’re in between deep, dreamless sleep and wakefulness.

Behaviors during an episode may include fondling, masturbation, sexual intercourse, pelvic thrusting and spontaneous orgasm.

Although you’re asleep, it can appear to others that you’re awake. Someone experiencing an episode might have an open-eyed, vacant look, Dr. Horvat says.

And you may only find out you have the disorder from a partner, roommate or family member.

If someone around you witnesses this unusual behavior, ask them to write down what they observed. Even though it’s embarrassing, their observations can help your doctor diagnose and treat your condition.

Who’s at risk? 

Sexsomnia is extremely rare, appearing most frequently in those who have another sleep disorder like sleepwalking.

A study published in the American Academy of Sleep Medicine found that men are three times more likely than women to exhibit sexsomnia symptoms. Behaviors in men are likely more pronounced, perhaps more aggressive. Women are more likely to masturbate.

Other conditions that disrupt deep sleep can also lead to sexsomnia. Heartburn, restless leg syndrome and sleep apnea can all put someone in a sleep-wake state where these sleep-sex behaviors might appear.

Additionally, epilepsy, head injuries, migraines, Crohn’s disease and colitis are also associated with sexsomnia.

What triggers sexsomnia?

Although the reasons behind sexsomnia episodes aren’t clearly understood, many things can trigger them, Dr. Horvat says.

“The obvious triggers are anything that wakes you up,” she says. “Just like making noises, touching or turning on lights can cause someone to sleepwalk when they’re in a deep sleep, you can trigger sexsomnia.”

There’s evidence that drinking alcohol or using recreational drugs may lead to an episode for those who have the disorder.

In many cases, however, the triggers are factors that are more difficult to control, including:

  • Sleep deprivation.
  • Stress or anxiety.
  • Fatigue or irregular sleep patterns.
  • Some medications like over-the-counter sleep aids.

What sexsomnia treatment options are out there? 

It’s possible to manage the disorder by addressing underlying conditions that disrupt sleep, Dr. Horvat notes.

“For treatment, you must avoid any external stimulation that could trigger sexsomnia,” she says. “Both internal and external things that make you uncomfortable or half wake you up can trigger episodes, so you should avoid them.”

Other treatments may include:

  • A continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP) device for sleep apnea.
  • Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) like Prozac® or Zoloft® to treat depression and anxiety.
  • Medications for heartburn or restless legs syndrome.
  • Sleeping in a quiet environment.

But the real key, stresses Dr. Horvat, is to make sure you get enough sleep and maintain healthy sleep hygiene habits.

Protecting those around you 

The first step in managing sexsomnia is to get a diagnosis, followed by the appropriate treatment. Speaking to a doctor about these episodes is important.

Because you’re not in control of your actions during episodes of sexsomnia, your condition may put others at risk.

Though you may feel shame about having sexsomnia, talking with your loved ones about it can help them understand and feel safe. Counseling, for you and those affected, may be an option.

While you figure out the best treatment, there are a few things you can do to keep you and others safe:

  • Sleep in a separate room.
  • Avoid triggers.
  • Follow a sleep schedule.

“It’s important to take precautions while you seek treatment to limit any triggers to these events, to help you and those you love sleep safely,” says Dr. Horvat.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I’m a BDSM submissive

— Here’s what my sex life is really like

A woman reveals the reality of being a submissive

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When it comes to sex in the 21st century, many of us have left the shame and stigma behind (thank goodness) to enjoy a healthy, safe sex life without judgement.

In fact, research has shown that a growing number of us are enjoying spicier sessions between the sheets, with even those not particularly into kink experimenting more with BDSM.

According to findings conducted last year, 84% of the 2,381 adults surveyed said they had tried BDSM – aka Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism. The report also found that those who enjoy kinky play claimed to have significantly better sex lives than those who don’t.

For the true newbies among us, many relationships under the broad umbrella of BDSM are characterised by complementary and entirely consensual roles that people inhabit, such as the dominant partner, known as the ‘dom’ and  the submissive, or ‘sub’.

But what is life (and sex) like for a woman who is firmly entrenched in the BDSM community as a submissive? Well, according to one sub called Monieau, it’s far from what misconceptions and stereotypes would lead outsiders to believe.

‘Many people believe female submissives are brain-washed and unintelligent or just following the social normative ideas around men and women,’ Monieau explains on Metro.co.uk’s no-holds-barred sex podcast, Smut Drop. ‘But that is such a broad generalisation. There are plenty of confident, competent submissives who work in numerous high-powered, demanding roles, who just want to be submissive in the bedroom.’

In its most basic form, being a submissive means yielding to the dominant’s whims.

‘Having a submissive kink as a part of a BDSM sexual encounter, is where the “submissive” participant is willingly obedient and gives the control and power to the “dominant” participant,’ explains Tracey Coates, sexual wellness expert for sex toy site Ricky.com. ‘Being the submissive partner means that you find pleasure from activities such as being disciplined, punished, or spanked.

‘BDSM can take place in and out of bed, as some fantasy role plays can involve no physical sex at all.’

However, there is no one ‘right’ way to be submissive, as Monieau explains that each sub will have their own preferred style of dominance they like to be on the receiving end of.

‘I like someone who is self-assured and can command a presence,’ she says. ‘I like someone with a dark side. Not a dark side as in, their personality shows red flags, but someone who can do some nasty, amazing things to me.’

Monieau’s path which lead to her foray into the world of BDSM is an unusual one, as she grew up in the Mormon community, whom stress their strict law of chastity – consisting of abstaining from sex outside of marriage, and shunning inter-marital affairs or homosexual relationships.

‘I grew up thinking sex was shameful,’ Monieau adds. ‘I didn’t even know what masturbation really was, but I knew it was bad.

‘As I grew older, I came to terms with conventional ideas of male and female roles. I became a full-on feminist. It’s like I did a 180, which ended up being a 360.

‘In a way, I kink-ified my past trauma about sex and leaned into it.’

‘I like to be submissive as it grounds me,’ Monieau continues. ‘Because of my past feelings of shame and guilt around sex, I find freedom in submission, as it’s someone doing those things to me. It allows me to feel sexual pleasure much more easily than if I was to do it myself.’

However, Monieau is used to people not quite understanding what it means to be a submissive, particularly on a superficial level, a lot of what it consists over seems to be at odds with feminist principles.

‘Both men and women can be a sub, it’s entirely dependent on their personal preference,’ Coates explains. ‘Yes of course, just because you choose to be a sub, doesn’t mean that it has to impact the rest of your life and views in and out of the bedroom, and it certainly doesn’t mean that you’re not a feminist.

‘You can also argue that being the submissive actually gives you more control as you are giving the dominant partner full permission and the submissive chooses to enact their femininity.’

In order to give a greater understanding to people curious about what being submissive really entails, Monieau is now choosing to share her experiences both on social media and dating apps.

‘When I was first on apps, I had to sift through a lot of manure,’ she explains.

‘I put that I was submissive in my dating profile, as I was just sick of the small talk – I don’t care about small talk, so I explicitly stated what I wanted in a whole list.

‘So around one third of my inbox just took the p**s, and another third of guys were just gross, saying things like: “Hey babycakes.”

‘Another third were genuinely curious so we talked through what being a sub meant to me. Some people found it really educating. It actually made me feel better about men, less afraid of engaging with them.’

Of course, if you’re new to the world of being a submissive, it’s not as easy as going on Tinder to find the right match, says Coates.

‘You want to be able to trust [your dom] and know that you want the same things,’ she advises. ‘Choosing to do this online is the easiest way, as there are hundreds of sites available to everyone. When doing this, you want to make sure that your online profile speaks for you and not against you. Ensuring that you don’t give out too much personal information is also key to finding the best dom, you want to be advertising what you are expecting out of the relationship and avoid those whose first message to you is about sex.

‘You want to be able to build a foundation of trust and understanding before committing to be their submissive.’

Barbara Santini, psychologist and sex advisor at adult toy site Peachesandscreams.co.uk, agrees that your safety must come first when searching for a dom.

‘BDSM is a vulnerable experience, you may learn a lot about yourself,’ she says. ‘Make sure you want it and you do everything to protect yourself. It is essential you express consent, you negotiate the play scenario, and you and your partner stick to it. When you decide to meet a new dom, discuss your safety first, choose a location wisely (public place and later a well-staffed hotel), never change the agreed plans, inform your friends where you are, with whom so they can check on you. Have a safe word and use condoms.’

In Monieau’s experience, many newer subs, and perhaps even a few more experienced submissives, fall into tropes and stereotypes that may be detrimental to their BDSM relationship.

‘Submissives have to work on themselves first,’ she explains. ‘A lot of subs fall into the trap of wanting a dominant to basically just fix all their problems.

‘Before you get into BDSM, you need to work out what you really want from submission. If you have a sign saying you’re here for the taking, people will take advantage of it.’

For Monieau, she stresses there’s a difference in terms of what she wants in physical sensations and her emotional, core desires.

‘Physically, I want orgasms. I want arousal,’ she says. ‘I want to reach subspace.’

For those not in the know, subspace is what Monieau describes as being a ‘nice bonus’ of being a submissive.

‘Subspace is a different state of consciousness that can happen, usually to the submissive partner during BDSM play,’ Santini says. ‘It results from a mix of hormones like endorphins, cortisol, dopamine, adrenaline, oxytocin which are released during the play, when different emotions experienced.’

Monieau compares it to a runner’s high. ‘I basically become a mushy puppet,’ she laughs. ‘I just start riding with the vibes.’

However, the subspace can often lead to a subdrop – essentially, the depletion of those chemicals.

‘Subdrop can occur straight after play, or even as a delayed reaction by the submissive showing signs of emotional imbalance and sometimes flu-like symptoms,’ Coates explains. ‘This bodily and emotional state can be known to last as long as a week, but everyone experiences it differently and can recover within hours or days. So, taking care of yourself after sub play is very important.’

Feeling emotional, weepy and in need of comfort after reaching subspace, are common for Monieau.

‘I am a well of tears,’ she admits, with a laugh. ‘My dom puts me in a little blanket burrito, and it makes me feel like I’m in my safe little bubble.’

She adds that, for her, being a sub is a far cry from any sort of weak and vulnerable stereotype.

‘I’ve realised submissives have strength, even through their submission,’ explains Monieau. ‘Choosing to submit to someone shows you’re holding that space for them.

‘Sex is good and healthy. It’s good for you. It’s okay to feel sexual pleasure and be a sexual being.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Living and Loving with Low Libido 

There are numerous approaches to targeting low libido to promote sexual wellness

“If you’re choosing not to participate in intimacy, make sure your decision doesn’t steal your partner’s choice about sexuality. Everyone has a right to enjoy and express sexual well-being without pain, coercion, guilt, blame or shame.”

By Linda Wheeling, MSN, FNP-C 

Recently I saw 65-year-old Loretta* for a “personal discussion” visit (*name changed). Loretta shared she lost her husband a year ago after an extended illness but now reported having a new gentleman friend and believed they would soon become intimate.

Loretta had never had a sexual partner besides her husband. She was worried that she wouldn’t be able to perform since her last sexual encounter was ten years ago. And while she accepted having low libido during her husband’s extended illness, she was now afraid that intercourse would not be enjoyable because of concerns with vaginal pain.

She had already been using estrogen cream to treat atrophic vaginitis (AV), which is vaginal thinning, dryness, and inflammation. AV is commonly experienced in post-menopausal women when the ovaries no longer produce estrogen. She said, “I know sex might hurt since my vagina is nothing like it was before menopause.”

A lifestyle that supports physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being is essential for everyone to enjoy optimal sexual health.

I first advised Loretta to schedule an annual female exam to ease her worries. Next, I educated her about medical-grade vaginal dilators that gently reopen the vaginal canal. I explained how to use the set of four dilators for 15-30 minutes daily until she was comfortable using the largest dilator.

Also, I advised her to continue using the prescription estrogen cream and informed her that sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are a definite risk for all age groups. I stressed the importance of using latex condoms for three months until she could be sure of her new partner’s sexual history.

I, too, instructed her to use personal lubrication to avoid discomfort during intercourse and told her to prevent urinary tract infections by emptying her bladder immediately after intercourse. Loretta thanked me for the information and said she would follow my recommendations moving ahead.

When she returned for her annual female exam, she had successfully used the largest dilator and reported that her love life was proceeding without further complications. Loretta’s compliance led to a successful reversal of her low libido.

Back to Low Libido

People choose to refrain from sex for multiple reasons. For example, emotional distress driven by the feeling of being stuck in a loveless relationship can lead to psychological withdrawal and damaged libido. Other individuals have an asexual lifestyle because they become widowed, divorced, or are in between relationships. Others opt out for religious or moral reasons or choose abstinence as their sexual orientation.

Indeed, reasons for low libido abound; both genders may have experienced sexual abuse earlier in life, leading to guilt, stress, and feelings of shame. Issues with body image and efforts to avoid judgment can also lead many to choose platonic relationships. One supportive resource is The Asexual Visibility & Education Network, a platform for all who claim to be asexual or question whether it is acceptable in today’s world to choose a lifestyle that excludes sexual activity, no matter the reason.

Intimacy Issues

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) states that a lifestyle that supports physical, emotional, mental, and social well-being is essential for everyone to enjoy optimal sexual health. The CDC emphasizes that sexual pleasure requires a healthy attitude about intimate relationships and positive sexual encounters that allow both parties to feel secure. In contrast, unhealthy lifestyles consisting of a poor diet, lack of daily exercise, or being overweight inevitably lead to a decline in health.

Poor health precedes various medical conditions such as mental health disorders, heart disease, or diabetes. Long COVID complications are known to have the potential to damage a person’s sexual health. Each of these health disorders can damage the circulatory system in multiple organ systems. If chronic diseases are left unchecked, poor circulation will lead to shortness of breath during intimacy, erectile dysfunction, significant fatigue, or discouragement — all of which will lead to low libido.

When a non-sexual person surrenders to true romance, they must let go of all pressures to perform.

Both genders are affected by chronic illness in differing ways. Women often lose touch with their sexual prowess because of symptoms associated with perimenopause or menopause. Men of all ages can develop testosterone deficiency syndrome, which causes them to experience reduced libido and difficulties with erectile dysfunction.

These organic changes result in couple pause, the term used to describe inadequate sexual functioning inside relationships. When organic changes diminish either partner’s libidinal urges, sexual boredom occurs. Treatments must address the needs of both partners since the blame for low libido cannot be assigned to only one partner.

When it comes to orgasms or sexual arousal, some individuals might not experience either satisfactorily. Menopause often leads to Female Cognitive Arousal Disorder, which causes mental distress about never feeling aroused or having the physical desire to engage in sex. On the other hand, male partners can develop Lost Penis Syndrome (LPS), which causes a loss of penile sensation during intercourse. LPS leads to the inability to ejaculate, achieve orgasm or maintain an erection.

People can also develop low libido because of medication side effects. Many antidepressants, antipsychotics, prostate enlargement, and blood pressure medications commonly diminish desire. Yet, low libido should not be a reason to abruptly discontinue prescription medicines unless discussed with your primary health care provider.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to have a blended orgasm

BY Grace Baldwin

Double the fun.

The first vibrator I ever owned was bought for me by my best friend. Still living at home, the idea of my parents intercepting the delivery of my sexy online package made me want to shrivel up and claim a life as a hermit. Truth be told, they wouldn’t have cared – but all the same, it was an awkward moment I was eager to avoid if I could.

So, my best friend ordered me the Womanizer Starlet and discreetly handed it over when we met for a walk. The whole deal felt very illicit and adult, but also paradoxically childish – meeting in the park to pick up a sex toy I didn’t want my parents to know about.

It’s safe to say from that point, I very quickly learned new things about my body and what it was capable of. My standards of sexual satisfaction increased dramatically, and to this day I’ve recommended the Starlet to many of my friends.

Further down the track, I heard about the blended orgasm and was instantly intrigued. I’d read about them on the sexologist Chantelle Otten’s Instagram and had some questions – I also wanted to get in on the fun. I turned to Christine Rafe, sexual wellness expert for Womanizer, to help me achieve the sacred blended orgasm.

What even is a blended orgasm?

“When we use the term ‘blended orgasm’, we’re usually talking about both external clitoral stimulation and internal vaginal stimulation that results in an orgasm,” Christine explains.

“But really, a blended orgasm can be anything that’s using more than one source of stimulation. So, that could be nipple and clitoris, it could be penis and anus – basically, it’s an orgasm that happens while stimulation is occurring in more than one place.”

How should I prepare if I want to have a blended orgasm?

“If you haven’t had an orgasm before – let alone a blended orgasm – I usually suggest doing some solo play… when you’re on your own you can remove the mental blockers and barriers that might exist [when] another person is involved,” she tells me.

“We can get stressed about the superficial things, like how we look, or what noises we make, or the positions we’re in. When you’re alone, you can really get in tune with your body and your physical sensations… being present with your body is really key in having any type of orgasm.”

How do I have one – either on my own or with a partner?

Christine told me the best option for people wanting to hit up some solo play time is a dual-stimulation vibrator, like the Womanizer Duo or the We-Vibe Nova 2.

“Any toy that pleasures you both externally and internally is typically a safe bet, like something with a clitoral suction as well as a vibrator that presses against the G-spot. Alternatively, you might want to use a dildo or an internal vibrator and use your hands on the clitoris,” Christine says.

She said whether you’re alone or with a partner, it’s important to slow it down. “Try massages or some teasing – this could also include alternating between the erogenous zones before focusing on the ones you want to stimulate for orgasm.”

How do I know if I’ve actually had a blended orgasm rather than a clitoral one?

Most people find it easier to have an external clitoral orgasm rather than an internal one, Christine explains to me. Usually, it’s because we’re not aroused enough – which can make it hard to access internal sensitivity.

“Orgasm is such a unique experience from person to person, so it’s difficult to describe exactly how it feels. However, there are ways to make achieving that dual orgasm more likely.”

Slow it down!

“The most important thing is to really get warmed up first [rather than] just grabbing the vibrator straight away,” Christine advises. “If you orgasm easily, slow down and take your time to make sure your whole body is relaxed and in the mood. That way, you can follow your own pleasure without over-stimulating yourself too quickly.”

Christine recommends trying internal stimulation alone before adding the clitoral stimulation to get an idea of how it feels. “Most vulva owners can have a clitoral orgasm without being turned on beforehand. But with internal stimulation, the whole clitoris – meaning the legs in the wishbone shape of the clitoris – need to be engorged and aroused in order to have an internal orgasm,” she says. “The best thing you can do is slow down, rather than rush to get to the orgasm.”

Can people with penises have blended orgasms?

According to Christine, absolutely. “The most typical dual orgasm for a penis owner would be penis and anus. They have a whole heap of nerve endings on the tip of the penis, but there is also the entire male G-spot – the prostate. This is accessed through internal stimulation of the anus.”

She added that in some ways, accessing a blended orgasm is actually easier for a person with a penis than a vulva owner. “Physiologically, it takes longer to warm up a clitoris than it does to warm up a penis and the prostate. It can enlarge or become more sensitive if you’re really aroused, but the prostate has nerve endings that you can access whether you’re aroused or not.”

Any other tips?

Christine said beyond concentrating on the physical side of orgasm, the mindset is crucial. “People getting stressed or in their head about [orgasming] is predominantly where you see issues,” she says.

“It’s usually because there’s a lot of focus on getting there… the more we focus on it, the less likely it is to happen. Follow your pleasure cues in the moment and consider, ‘What can I do to make this feel better?’ rather than ‘Am I there yet?’.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything you need to know about subspace and subdrop in BDSM

Subspace can feel trance-like and floaty

By

Kinky sex is becoming more mainstream by the year, with BDSM – which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission and sadism and masochism – is one of the more popular options. 

Generally, BDSM involves two major roles: the dominant and the submissive, the latter of which is the topic of conversation in this week’s episode of Smut Drop.

As the names imply, being dominant means being the one deemed to be in control, while the submissive, well, submits to that control.

Acting out any BDSM scene can be extremely emotional for either party, but particularly submissives, who experience what is known as ‘subspace’ and ‘subdrop’.

Sophia Mindus, a London-based educator, facilitator and artist interested in kink and sexuality, explains everything you need to know about the two states.

Subspace and subdrop are essentially emotional states triggered by a release of hormones into the body.

‘[During BDS], we are playing with roles, identities, and types of physical activities which are often very different from our day-to-day experiences,’ Sophia tells Metro.co.uk, adding that this can affect us on a physical, emotional and neurochemical level.

As Sophia explains, during different types of play the body can release a whole host of different hormones such as dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin, cortisol. This can lead to people feeling ‘high’ and in an almost ‘trance-like state’ both during and after intercourse.

While ‘topspace’ also exists for dominants, subspace is characterised as being ‘floaty’ and hazy.

Are there any dangers associated with subspace?

Subspace essentially puts the mind and body in altered states, just like if someone takes a drug or drinks too much alcohol, and can sometimes blur the lines of consent, especially in terms of something like BDSM, when pain thresholds might temporarily increase. That’s why it’s vital for dominants to be aware of subspace and responsible for its effects.

‘When people are in altered states it can be harder to make decisions, have awareness of bodily limits and boundaries, and ask for what they need,’ says Sophia.

‘This is not the same for everyone, but this is why in these situations, it is even more paramount that the top takes responsibility for respecting the limits and physical capacity of the person receiving.’

This goes for both physical activities, such as spanking, as well as other boundaries.

‘It is important that the top remembers limits clearly and does not add anything extra or change the type of play into something which hasn’t been prior agreed once someone is in subspace,’ says Sophia. 

‘BDSM relies on all parties to be taking part in these practices with awareness and approaching each other with humanity and ethics.

‘If one person is willing to bypass another person’s boundaries or limits because they are in subspace and unable to communicate clearly, this is a violation of consent.’

If someone is experiencing subspace, the safest decision a top can make is to bring the scene to an end.

How to prepare for subspace

Negotiate communication check-ins

Sophie says that communication check-ins are vital and should be negotiated before play has begun.

‘Some people may experience their subspace as finding it harder to communicate verbally, so perhaps a signal or non-verbal check in such as a hand squeeze or a head movement could be used to communicate,’ she says.

Start slow

‘If it is the first time playing with someone, or someone is experiencing subspace for the first time, this is something they may not recognise or realise is an issue.

‘I always believe in BDSM you can do more but rarely can do less – so going slowly and airing on the side of caution is important.’

What is subdrop?

As many of us know, what goes up must come down, and the high experienced during subspace often gives way to subdrop.

‘A huge surge in hormones can also lead to a sudden drop or depletion of dopamine and oxytocin, the hormones which make us feel happy, connected, warm and euphoric,’ Sophia tells us.

‘This can often happen the day after or some hours after play has occurred.

‘The feeling can vary from irritability and low mood, to feelings of being a bit lost and lonely, to sadness and sensitivity.’

While everyone will feel and deal with subdrop differently, it’s important to note that it is normal and there’s nothing wrong with you if you experience it.

‘Whilst we are experiencing a shift in hormones, there is also the reality that BDSM play is a very intimate and vulnerable experience – and the return to reality after these intense experiences can feel sensitive,’ Sophia adds.

‘When we experience such closeness and altered realities with another person, going back to our day to day life can feel a little strange.

‘This can also be difficult if people do not live with their play partners, the sense of loss and separation can be difficult to deal with and something to be considered and worked through to support one another.’

How to deal with subdrop

Subdrop highlights the need for aftercare following a BDSM scene.

‘Aftercare describes not only the immediate care that you need after a type of play, but also the care that you need in the days after a type of play as subdrop can take a while to be felt,’ says Sophia.

Find what works for you

It may take time and experience to understand what kind of aftercare you need.

‘For some people aftercare looks like alone time to process their feelings and thoughts,’ Sophia says, whether that be a self care evening with a bubble bath or time in nature.

‘For others it might look like making sure they have nice plans in place in the days after a play event or play date so they don’t feel so alone,’ she adds.

Reach out to partners

‘The most important thing is reaching out to your partner or friends if you are experiencing a drop.

‘It can feel overwhelming and bizarre the first time, and just knowing that you are not alone and you are not overreacting is important.’

Importantly, BDSM often involves two or more people, so it’s vital to reach out to and support your partners following a scene.

How to help someone through subdrop

Keep checking in

Given that subdrop doesn’t always happen instantly, it’s important to keep checking on your partner to see how they feel.

‘Taking time to check in either via call, text, or an in person meet up to see how your partner is doing, what they might be needing, and also maybe taking time to share what you enjoyed most about the play with them, [is vital],’ says Sophia.

‘Some people may need some reassurance, validation, and extra attention and care after BDSM play.

‘It is a vulnerable, intimate and intense experience to go through with another, and aftercare which encompasses the value of our partners can really support a connective and caring relationship.’

Be open

‘It can take time to recognise what you need to support yourself or another person through drop, so if this is new to you, being really open and offering different suggestions can be a supportive and curious way to explore how best to take care of one another,’ says Sophia.

This is especially important if the dominant is also experiencing a drop.

‘If both people need different things, you need to work out how to compromise and make it work so all needs are met,’ she adds.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What You Should Know About Postpartum Sex

Having sex after giving birth isn’t only about being medically ready

When a newborn enters your life, your bedroom thoughts are certainly not what they used to be. The bedroom was likely your place of quiet rest, peace and often, where you might have expressed your sexuality. With a newborn, though, many of these things may seem far, far away.

That will change with time. Your body will heal. You’ll become more comfortable with your new role as a parent. Eventually, your thoughts will probably be less, “Let’s get some sleep” and more, “Let’s get physical.”

“Postpartum sex is one of those things people don’t tend to talk about a lot, but we should,” says Ob/Gyn Jacqueline Zuponcic, DO. “There’s a lot happening physically and mentally after having a baby that will affect your sex life.”

We talked with Dr. Zuponcic about what you can expect for your sex life after giving birth.

The difference between medically ready and ‘ready-ready’

For starters, all births are different. All postpartum experiences are different. And all sexual desires — say it with me — are different.

Dr. Zuponcic explains that when your healthcare provider clears you to engage in sex physically, that doesn’t mean you’re necessarily going to be ready-readyfor sex.

“Sexual desire in women and people assigned female at birth (AFAB) is determined by what we call bio-psycho-social triggers,” Dr. Zuponcic says. “For many women, sexual desire is like an unconscious checklist in their heads.”

There are biological things, like our hormones, our physical recovery, our breast tenderness and our fatigue.

There are psychological things, like postpartum depression and baby blues. Not everyone feels their best when they haven’t had time to brush their teeth and have a shower.

There are social things, like what it means for us to be a parent and how we interact with our partners in this new role.

Then, there’s just all the other stuff. Are the socks off the floor? Are the dishes put away? How does one baby generate so much laundry?

In other words, no matter when your provider says you’re physically ready to engage in sex, you may not feel prepared or interested quite yet. That’s natural and should be respected. Listen to your body.

Recommendations regarding when it’s safe to engage in sexual intercourse after giving birth will mostly depend on the circumstances of your delivery. Generally, your provider will likely recommend waiting two to six weeks after your baby is born before getting all hot and heavy.

There are a few reasons to wait.

Your pelvic floor (the muscles that line your vagina and support your bladder) will need some time to rest and recover. Also, following delivery, your cervix takes some time to return to its pre-pregnancy state. Infection can make its way in more easily during this time, too.

“It’s best to keep things out of the vagina for a few weeks. That includes tampons, saliva, penises, fingers and toys,” Dr. Zuponcic says. “Your cervix hasn’t yet shrunk back down. After having a baby, it’s easier for bacteria to get into the uterus and make you very sick.”<

Vaginal delivery

For those who experienced tearing or heavy bruising over their vulva (the outside of your vagina), your provider will likely recommend abstaining from sex for six weeks.

“If you had stitches following your delivery, those sutures need time to dissolve, and the tissue needs time to heal so that it’s strong enough to withstand sexual intercourse,” Dr. Zuponcic explains. “You want to wait for those sutures to be fully dissolved before engaging in any sexual activities, including intercourse and receiving oral sex.”

If you had a tear-free vaginal delivery and no other complications, your provider may say you can resume sexual activity as soon as two weeks after giving birth, if you so choose.

C-section delivery

If you had a Cesarean section (C-section) delivery, your doctor will likely suggest you abstain from sex for at least six weeks. That’s because your incision needs time to heal to avoid complications. Often, too, people who delivered babies via C-section were dilated prior to giving birth. That means your uterus may still be more prone to infection if your cervix (the opening to your uterus) is still open.

What is postpartum sex like?

Your sexual desires and experiences may be different from what you remember for a little while. That’s very normal, too. Dr. Zuponcic recommends taking it slow and practicing open communication with your partner.

“There are things that are going to work, and there are things that may not work,” she says. “Careful, thoughtful intercourse and good communication between you and your partner about what’s working and what’s not, especially the first few times you try, is important to your experience, and probably theirs, too.”

Sex after childbirth may cause some discomfort at first

Pain during sex isn’t OK, but some discomfort during those first few postpartum attempts can be expected. Scar tissue from tears is often less stretchy than the surrounding vaginal tissue. As the scar heals over time, it often organizes and softens. Serial attempts at sex with your partner may help stretch and soften that scar tissue as well. Just remember to communicate with one another through these times.

If you’re breastfeeding, you may leak milk. Consider wearing a bra while having sex. You also may be more prone to vaginal dryness.

“When you’re breastfeeding, your circulating estrogen levels drop, which can make your vaginal tissue very thin, as opposed to that stretchy, lubricated tissue you’re used to,” Dr. Zuponcic explains.

Once you’ve stopped breastfeeding, or after your periods have resumed, that thin dry vaginal tissue tends to improve in the weeks that follow. Many people have tenderness over their vaginal scars that doesn’t go away until this time as well.

If sex is painful or remains uncomfortable after a few tries, talk to your healthcare provider. They should be able to discuss medications and lubrication options that may help. Dr. Zuponcic says some people also benefit from a form of physical therapy that works to strengthen the pelvic floor.

After pregnancy, you may have a lower libido

You’ve been through a lot. You grew a little person and delivered them into the world. And now, you have a newborn who depends on you night and day. It can be exhausting. Sex just may not be on top of your list of things to do right now.

“You have a lot going on caring for a new life,” Dr. Zuponcic says. “You have this new human in your home. You have to navigate a whole new routine. Sex being at the bottom of the list is not unusual. Your desire generally does increase again after some time.”

Further contributing to a lower libido than your pre-pregnancy days could be postpartum blues, also known as “baby blues.” Dr. Zuponcic says 85% of people experience postpartum blues following the birth of a baby. If you have postpartum blues, you may be prone to crying, anxiety and sadness for no apparent reason for a week or two after delivery. Postpartum blues are also likely to lower your sex drive.

Postpartum blues symptoms shouldn’t last long and are relatively mild. More severe and longer-lasting feelings of anxiety and sadness could be postpartum depression, a serious condition. Talk to your provider if you’re experiencing the following symptoms:

  • Alternating highs and lows.
  • Frequent crying, irritability and fatigue.
  • Feelings of guilt.
  • High levels of anxiety.
  • An inability to care for your baby or yourself.

How soon can you get pregnant after giving birth?

The national Office on Women’s Health recommends spacing out pregnancies by at least 12 months. Some doctors recommend closer to 18 months. Dr. Zuponcic says this means waiting at least a year between having one baby and conceiving the next. That’s because your risk of pregnancy complications, including premature birth and postpartum depression, is higher if your pregnancies are closer together than that.

Dr. Zuponcic says women who aren’t breastfeeding will likely ovulate for their first time around 39 days postpartum. You will ovulate beforeyou get your period. So, you can become pregnant after giving birth even if you haven’t had a period yet.

“If you don’t plan on becoming pregnant, having a birth control plan in place from the time you leave the hospital is your best bet,” Dr. Zuponcic says. “If you wait to start contraception until after you begin menstruating again, it may be too late to avoid an unplanned pregnancy.”

If you don’t intend to get pregnant, you’ll need a plan.

Birth control options for postpartum phase

Your options for birth control after having a baby are very similar to your options prior to being pregnant. They include:

  • Birth control pill.
  • Intrauterine device (IUD).
  • Hormonal implant.
  • Condoms.
  • Patches.
  • Vaginal rings.

The estrogen in some contraceptives may affect your milk supply; though, some studies support this and some do not. If you’re breastfeeding, your doctor will likely recommend you use contraception options that don’t include estrogen, such as a progesterone-only pill (aka the “mini-pill”) and specific IUD products.

“Some of the long-term birth control options, like IUDs and implants, can be given before you even leave the hospital after having your baby,” Dr. Zuponcic notes. “There’s a lot of peace of mind to be gained from leaving the hospital knowing you’re already protected from an unplanned pregnancy.”

What about natural family planning?

While not as effective as other forms of birth control, natural family planning, or the rhythm method, appeals to some people who have concerns about side effects of some other birth control methods or whose religious beliefs don’t support other methods.

To practice the rhythm method, you closely analyze your menstrual cycles to determine your fertile days each month. When practiced properly, the rhythm method is about 76% effective in preventing pregnancy. For comparison, Dr. Zuponcic says the hormonal implant Nexplanon®, for example, is 99.95% effective.

If followed precisely, the rhythm method can be effective in avoiding unplanned postpartum pregnancy. She cautions that you’ll need to wait to engage in intercourse until after your periods return to a more regular cycle, though.

“Remember, you can get pregnant before your first period after having a baby,” Dr. Zuponcic reiterates. “So, you’ll need to wait until after your period regulates before you are able to try to predict your fertility windows with any accuracy.”

Does breastfeeding prevent pregnancy?

If you’re breastfeeding, it may take longer to ovulate. Breastfeeding can prevent pregnancy early on, but shouldn’t be counted on exclusively as a contraception method.

“If you are breastfeeding exclusively — around eight times a day, and not feeding the baby any formula — that is fairly good contraception for about two months, three months tops,” Dr. Zuponcic says.

When you’re “ready-ready” to have sex after having your baby is a combination of your physical and mental readiness. Listen to your body and talk about any concerns with your doctor. Sex may not be what you remember right away, but with time and patience, you’ll find a new normal.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Few Patients With Breast Cancer Are Educated on Treatments’ Impacts on Sexual Health

Although very few patients are informed about the effects that breast cancer treatments may have on their sexual health, many patients expressed wanting that information throughout all stages of their treatment, according to study findings.

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Few patients with breast cancer receive adequate information about the potential effects that treatment may have on their sexual health, according to newly released study results.

The data — which were published in the Annals of Surgical Oncology — also identified that the education patients receive about the effects of breast cancer treatments is insignificant.

The study consisted of a questionnaire as well as interviews and focus groups. In total, 87 patients filled out the questionnaire and 16 patients were interviewed by the investigators.

The patients were mostly younger than 65 (85%), married (67%), White (83%) and heterosexual (98%), but the amount of time since their initial diagnosis varied from less than one year to more than four years.

More than half of the survey respondents reported that they underwent surgery (86%), received chemotherapy (71%) and/or endocrine therapy (66%). Most of the respondents (93%) reported a symptom that negatively affected their sexual health.

The most common symptoms the respondents said they experienced included decreased sexual desire (69%), vaginal dryness (63%) or less energy for sexual activity (62%).

When asked by the investigators about when they would ideally like to receive education on the effects breast cancer treatment has on sexual health, most (73%) said they wanted to be informed of the risks early after their diagnosis.

Most of the respondents noted that their oncology team or health care providers failed to give them any information about the possible sexual health side effects associated with breast cancer treatment.

For patients who received any information, it was more focused on fertility preservation and menopause and not sexual health or pleasure.

“(Patients should) understand that these symptoms and side effects of treatment are incredibly common and that there are ways to mitigate and treat these symptoms,” study author Dr. Sarah Tevis, a breast surgical oncologist at the UCHealth Diane O’Connor Thompson Breast Center in Aurora, Colorado, said in an interview with CURE®.

Tevis urged patients that they should not be afraid to raise the topic of sexual health with their oncology team.

Give Patients Options

The patients in the study suggested that many different educational resources be offered to patients, including the creation of support groups, videos, pamphlets and documents to be distributed at the doctor’s office, and the implementation of routine sexual health questions during their appointments.

One interviewee reported, “I feel that it would be best to have several avenues available. Then you could choose what you feel most comfortable with.”

As a result of the survey responses and subsequent interviews, Tevis noted that the University of Colorado is partnering with the nonprofit organization Catch It In Time to create sexual health videos for both patients with cancer and health care professionals.

“The video series will cover what to expect with breast cancer surgery and how to actively prepare for surgery, managing sexual health symptoms related to breast cancer treatments, and navigating relationships and dating,” Tevis explained. “We hope to have the videos completed by the end of the summer and plan to pilot test the videos in women with breast cancer this fall. If patients find the videos acceptable and appropriate, we plan to make them widely available online.”

She said that there will be four videos in this series with the potential to cover other cancer types and treatments in the future.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Steps to Ditch Sexual Shame

If you feel ashamed about your desires, read sex educator Cassandra Corrado’s good advice on getting over it and owning your pleasure.

by Cassandra Corrado

Sexual shame is one of the most pervasive sexual challenges, but it rarely gets talked about directly. Because, you know…shame.

Sometimes sexual shame is broad, affecting how we engage with our sexual selves overall. That’s especially true for folks who have been raised in strict, socially conservative environments where all conversations about sex, sexual desire, and sexual safety were considered “no-go zones” and for folks who were raised in households where “sexual purity” was considered a core value.

Other times, sexual shame is specific. It might show up in relation to masturbation, our desires and fantasies, our kinks, how we choose to structure our relationships, how our genitals look, or any number of areas.

Shame isn’t inherent, though.

It’s taught. That shame instruction happens both actively (through our caregivers, schools, and religious communities) and passively (through conversations with friends and larger media messaging). It pushes us to believe that we are wrong, that we are alone in our experiences, and that we should hide who we are. But I have very good news: Because we can be taught shame, we can also unlearn shame.

Unlearning sexual shame has become a big part of my educational work. So, I’m sharing 6 ways to help you begin to uproot shame from your life.

As you read through this list, remember: Unlearning shame is work. It requires us to take a fresh, sometimes uncomfortable, look at our past, how we show judgment, and what our core values are. It also takes time. Give yourself permission to move as slowly and intentionally through this process as you need.

1. Inventory the areas of your sex life affected by shame

To take an inventory of how shame shows up in your sex life, list out the areas where you feel joyful, relaxed, and judgment-free. Then, list out the parts of yourself that you feel like you push to the side, silence, or judge. These areas could be behaviors, mindsets, ways of expressing yourself, fantasies, body-specific things—whatever feels true to you.

You may struggle with one or both of those categories. Some folks may feel like there are no parts of their sex lives that feel judgment-free (if that’s you, don’t get stuck in not being able to write something down—just move to the other category). Others may feel overwhelmed or even triggered by naming how their shame is manifesting.

Take as much time as you need to do this and take breaks when you need to.

2. Identify your “shame voice”

Your shame voice is the character in your brain who is telling you that you’re bad for thinking, feeling, or doing whatever. It might be someone who raised you, a person you had a previous relationship with, a religious leader—anyone, really.

Some people’s shame voices even sound like themselves. Others may find that their shame voice is amorphous and can’t be pinned to one person or institution.

Here are some questions to ask yourself:

  • Is that person or institution someone whose opinion or guidance you still value?
  • Has that person or institution demonstrated that you can turn to them for support and they won’t judge, condemn, or punish you?

In some cases, the answer may be a clear “no.” But in others, it may be “uh…sometimes?” and in other cases a complete “yes.”

Really important note: If your shame’s voice sounds like your own voice, then be gentle with that interrogation. Instead, I recommend asking yourself where you picked up the messages or values that informed your shame. Don’t bully yourself.

3. Seek out new information

Sexual shame is often born out of misinformation. For example, people with vaginas may have been taught that their value as a person is reduced once they have vaginal sex.

But that’s not true.

One major way to counteract shame’s effects on your life is to counterbalance its messaging. Find sex ed resources that are dedicated to teaching about sexuality without condemning your behaviors or desires. Some that I recommend are Scarleteen, The CSPH, What’s My Body Doing, Sex Positive Families, Thank God for Sex, and my own YouTube show, You Deserve Good Sex. We also have a lot of sex ed content right here on The House Call!

4. Build shame-free micro-communities

Our sexual shame might be fostered by the people who are around us day-to-day, and we might not want or be able to cut ties with those people or institutions. Instead, counterbalance their effects by creating and participating in spaces where shame simply isn’t welcome at the table.

That might look like following or unfollowing certain social media accounts. It could also look like joining a virtual or IRL support group, visiting a community center, or spending a lot of time on subreddits. Your micro-community may even be one or two friends with whom you can have open, honest conversations.

Whatever your thing is, there is an online or in-person community for it—I promise you.

Spend some time figuring out how you can build up shame-free spaces in your life, even if it’s just in your digital life. Those spaces can help you feel less alone and stigmatized, and they can even help with that “new information” thing we just talked about.

5. Identify your true values

For many of us, our core values are things that we inherited from our families and communities growing up. That can be both a positive and negative thing, but in general, it means that we may not have spent time thinking about if those values are really our values.

  • What would you name as one of your core values?
  • How do you put those values into action day-to-day?
  • How do you want to embody those values?
  • How do you want to share them with others?

That exercise can apply to values overall, and I recommend doing that work. But it’s just as important to think about our specific sexual values. All of those same questions apply; just consider them within the context of sex.

When you identify what your sexual values are, it can become easier to identify behaviors or systems that do and don’t support them.

6. Remind yourself: You don’t deserve shame

No matter what your shame voice may be telling you, you don’t deserve to feel shame.

Unlike guilt, which can help us identify if we’ve done something wrong, the only function of shame is to make us feel like we are entirely bad or unloveable. Some reminders:

  • You are not a chewed-up piece of gum, a piece of linty tape, or a licked lollipop
  • You are not alone in your desires
  • Desire is not immoral
  • Your body is made for your consensual, delightful, exploratory enjoyment
  • Your body is not too big, too small, too uneven, too floppy, too curved — too anything

I’ll say it again: You don’t deserve shame. Tell yourself that as often as you need to. Interrupt your shame cycle as often as you need to. Because you didn’t plant your own shame seed, but you can be the one to uproot it.

As you begin your journey to unlearn your sexual shame, remember to give yourself time, patience, and abundant acceptance. You may need extra support from a therapist or support group, and that’s okay! You deserve that support.

In short, you’ve got this.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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List of Erogenous Zones for Better Intimacy

By Molly Burford

Sexual health is important for your overall health and well-being. Sexual health encompasses everything from getting routinely screened for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) to simply knowing what you like in the bedroom. One way to improve your sex life is by knowing your erogenous zones.

Essentially, an erogenous zone is any part of the body that can trigger sexual arousal when touched.1 For example, the nape of your neck or your wrist can potentially elicit pleasurable feelings when stimulated. That said, everyone’s erogenous zones are different.

Knowing both your and your partner’s erogenous zones will enhance your sexual experiences. This article will discuss what you need to know about erogenous zones.

Why Are Erogenous Zones Stimulating?

Certain areas of the body, including the erogenous zones, have a higher density of touch receptors. This is why your fingertips are more sensitive to touch than your elbow. Touch receptors respond to touch and convey the information via your nervous system to an area of the brain called the somatosensory cortex. Not only does the somatosensory cortex process sensory information, but it’s also involved in regulating our emotions and moods.2

Immediate Gratification vs. Foreplay

When it comes to sex, the build-up is everything. While reaching orgasm immediately may sound appealing to some, foreplay is a crucial component for both reaching orgasm and experiencing one to its fullest potential. Try using slow, erotic touching to explore your and your partner’s erogenous zones and build arousal.

Nerve Bundles

Nerves are the nervous system’s main communicators, carrying electrical signals to and from different parts of the body. A collection of nerve endings is known as a nerve bundle. Erogenous zones are thought to contain many nerve bundles, which is why they are so sensitive to touch.

Non-Genital Zones

Everyone is different, but in general, these are believed to be the most common non-genital erogenous zones:3

  • Head and hair
  • Eyes and temples
  • Cheeks
  • Mouth/lips
  • Ears
  • Nape of neck
  • Shoulder blades
  • Upper back
  • Upper arms
  • Breasts/chest
  • Nipples
  • Stomach
  • Belly button
  • Forearms
  • Wrists
  • Hands
  • Fingers
  • Sides
  • Lower back
  • Hips
  • Outer thighs
  • Buttocks
  • Back of thighs
  • Inner thighs
  • Pubic hairline
  • Behind knees

Below the Waist

When it comes to genital erogenous zones, the most common include:3

Try Solo-Play

Solo-play, aka masturbation, is a great way to explore your sexuality, learn about your body, and become in-tune with what you might enjoy during partnered sex. After taking time to learn about your bodies individually, you can decide to give mutual masturbation a go.

Some tips for a healthy masturbation practice include:

  • Washing hands before and after
  • Keeping nails clean
  • Avoiding eye area while masturbating
  • Not sharing sex toys
  • Properly cleaning sex toys after each use

Summary

Erogenous zones are parts of the body that trigger sexual arousal when stimulated. These include both genital and non-genital areas.

Knowing your and your partner’s non-genital erogenous zones can help enhance your sex life. But, of course, everybody will have different erogenous zones, which is why exploration, partnered or otherwise, can be helpful.

Communicating with your sexual partners about each other’s preferences is absolutely key to a safe, happy, and healthy sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Gateway To S&M

— 6 Kinks You Should Begin the Experience With!

By

Sigmund Freud’s theorised that “certain aspects of your personality are more primal and this pushes you to act on your basic urges. Meanwhile, other parts of your personality work to counteract these urges and strive to make you conform to the demands of reality.” This is why various ‘kinksters’ tend to stay hidden or quiet throughout their lives while some pick being unique and come forth to actually mingle with society, They try to avoid giving into their kinks and experimenting with BDSM.

understanding-bdsm-relationships-a-peek-behind-the-curtain-of-taboo

Thankfully BDSM has now become more acceptable, common and mainstream. This is mainly because various works of fiction in both cinema and literature have started using the same theme. This has motivated people to finally let this inner kinkster fly and hence, they have decided to give S&M a try. So, if you’re looking to experiment with BDSM, here’s an official list of the kinks that you should commence your experiment with. These kinks might make your journey, way more fun instead of overwhelming.

1. Bondage

Bondage is the act of physically restraining your partner. A wide variety of implements can be used to achieve this from ropes to handcuffs. Bonding your partner can be a full way to try power exchange and experiment with roles.

2. Sadism And Masochism

Sado-masochism are two sides of the same coin- erotic pain. Depending on which you prefer, you can either be the pain receiver i.e. masochist or pain giver i.e. sadist. From something as simple as scratching your partner or receiving a strong tug of hair, sadism and masochism can fall into a perfect yin-yang partnership.

3. Impact Play

Impact play is majorly an extension of sadomasochism. This is especially for people who might enjoy the use of instruments or “toys” to indulge in this kind of kink. Depending on curiosity and comfort, partners can choose from a variety of impact toys. Spanking, flogging, caning etc. fall under this category.

4. Sensation Play

The five senses can also add to your sexual experience. Sensation play can range from something as gentle as blindfolds to using earbuds to drown out the surrounding noise. Tuning out one or more of your senses can actually make the other senses more active, making this process all the more fun and of course, beyond just interesting.

5. Exhibitionism

The practice of certain aspects of your kink life can fall under exhibitionism. It encompasses nudity, kink broadcasting and so on. For an exhibitionist, the act of being watched by someone is a huge turn-on. Try this out slowly with perhaps simple tasks in public and then, maybe consider other legal forms of sexual display in a more public space.

6. Orgasm Control

Orgasm control can be a very fun way of experimenting with pushing your or your partner’s boundaries. It is an act of controlling the sexual release and it can be very intense. Depending on your limits, it can be as simple as denying orgasms, asking for permission before having an orgasm and the most fun one- forced orgasms. This is a risky and interesting game!

Remember, Kink and BDSM are not restricted to people who like pain or are into dominance. Kink is just as important for someone looking to make things interesting in the bedroom as it can be for people who want to explore their masochistic limits. This is just a beginner’s list for your journey of kink exploration. There are a lot more kinks and fetishes out there, waiting for you to explore them. Just research away.

The sky is your limit when it comes to exploring the kink world but, just remember to be safe, practice consent, converse with your partner and of course, have fun with the play!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 things more important than sex in a relationship

Feeling emotionally secure in your relationship is more important for its long-term success than the quality of your under-the-cover activities.

By Rebecca Strong

  • Not everyone finds sex essential in a relationship, and experts say other factors may matter more.
  • Quality time, emotional security, and other forms of intimacy can help you grow closer as partners.
  • If you often feel sexually unfulfilled, a calm, open conversation can help you express your needs.

Every relationship is unique. So, while some couples may put sex at the top of their priority list, others may consider other aspects of the relationship more important.;

Partners may not prioritize sex for a number of reasons, according to Lauren Cook-McKay, a marriage and family therapist and VP at Divorce Answers.
For example, having a lower sex drive, being asexual, abstaining from sex due to religious or cultural beliefs, or living with certain medical conditions can all play a role.

“Sex is not the only aspect of the relationship that makes couples happy,” McKay says. “It isn’t always a necessary ingredient for a fulfilling relationship.”

In fact, experts say the following aspects of a relationship may have just as much importance as sex, if not more.

1. Emotional security

Emotional security is the foundation of any loving and supportive relationship, according to Jennine Estes, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Estes Therapy.

Emotional security means you feel safe enough to be open and vulnerable with your partner.

For example, if you feel neglected by your partner or something they said upsets you, you should feel free to share why you’re upset with them — without fearing their reaction.

In contrast, partners who don’t feel emotionally secure might become defensive or combative during conflicts, and withdraw, shut down, or avoid disagreements entirely.

Estes says these behaviors can hinder communication and in some cases breed hidden resentments.

To build emotional security, you might:

  • Let them know when something they do upsets you — but approach them in a non-accusatory way so they know you’re giving them the benefit of the doubt
  • Summarize or reflect back on what they’ve said to show you’ve listened and care about their thoughts and feelings
  • Validate and show empathy for their experiences by saying things like, “It makes sense you’d feel sad in that situation” or “That must’ve been so stressful. I’d feel the same way.”

2. Quality time

A small 2021 study found that spending quality time with your partner — whether just talking or participating in an activity — could help you:

  • Feel more satisfied in the relationship
  • Perceive more positive qualities in your relationship
  • Experience greater closeness to your partner

There’s no hard or fast rule on how much time you should spend together. Ultimately, experts say it’s about finding what works for you — which could mean reserving a stretch of bonding time on weekends, setting aside an hour each day, or doing date night once a week.

Shared experiences are powerful, McKay says, because they can uncover common ground. They can also make you feel like a team, create positive memories to look back on, and motivate you to continue building on the relationship.

“The more the couple can step away from daily stress and be present for each other, the more they will feel connected,” Estes says.

3. Positive interactions

According to extensive research by psychologist John Gottman, couples who had five or more positive interactions for each negative one were more likely to stay married than divorce. Using this magic ratio, Gottman could predict whether a couple would stay married with over 90% accuracy.

Negative interactions may include being overly critical or dismissive of your partner’s feelings, raising your voice, or giving them the silent treatment. These behaviors can take a toll on the trust, respect, and intimacy in your relationship.

Conversely, you can have more positive interactions by:

  • Showing genuine interest in your partner’s words by making eye contact, asking open-ended questions, and practicing reflective listening.
  • Expressing physical affection by embracing them when they come home from work, rubbing their back while you watch a movie, or holding their hand while on a neighborhood stroll.
  • Complimenting them and expressing gratitude and appreciation for the things they do to make your life easier.
  • Finding things to agree on during conflict rather than only focusing on your differences.
  • Offering a sincere apology when you’ve done something hurtful.
  • Finding ways to laugh together to ease the tension and lighten the mood during discussions and minor disagreements

4. Intimacy

Intimacy cultivates a sense of closeness. While a lot of people assume intimacy just means sex, Cook-McKay says physical intimacy is only one component.

Other equally important types of intimacy include:

  • Mental or intellectual intimacy: This involves learning new things together. For instance, you might suggest signing up for a cooking class or discussing topics you both find stimulating.
  • Emotional intimacy: This involves talking about your innermost thoughts, desires, and fears. You can encourage your partner to do the same by asking open-ended questions, like: “What makes you feel the most loved?” “What is something you want to try but feel too scared to do?” or “When you’re feeling stressed, what’s the best thing I can do for you?”
  • Experiential intimacy: This could include any kind of teamwork. To cultivate this type of intimacy, you might find a hobby to share or tackle home improvement projects together.

5. Respect

Mutual respect in a relationship can contribute to feelings of trust and emotional security and promote greater honesty and vulnerability. It can even promote greater relationship satisfaction and quality.

You can show your respect in everyday interactions by:

  • Honoring boundaries
  • Giving each other space as needed
  • Supporting each other’s goals and interests
  • Acknowledging each other as individuals with unique needs and desires

Contempt, the opposite of respect, can cause your bond to deteriorate. In short, not showing your partner respect can harm their self-esteem and leave them feeling frustrated, discontent, or even apathetic.

Physical intimacy does matter, too

Experts agree sex isn’t necessarily essential for all relationships. Many people can maintain fulfilling relationships by focusing on intimacy in other areas.

In a 2013 study, participants who completed an online questionnaire linked more frequent kissing with higher relationship quality — but interestingly, they did not report the same link when it came to frequency of sex.

A 2020 study of heterosexual married couples also found that partners who had more non-sexual physical contact tended to be happier in their relationships.

Ultimately, what matters most is that you and your partner both feel fulfilled. If you have mismatched needs and desires for sex, Cook-McKay recommends starting by focusing on building intimacy in other areas.

“People mostly forget that sex is all about feeling connected,” she says. “If one of you doesn’t feel that way, that can affect your sex drive.”

What to do if you’re unhappy with sex in your relationship

Estes also recommends working with a marriage counselor or sex therapist to dig into any underlying challenges or issues compromising your sex life.

A sex therapist can also offer guidance on communicating your sexual needs to your partner.

Estes says it’s crucial to let your partner know if you feel unfulfilled in your sex life. This can be a sensitive topic, so here’s what she recommends:

  • Choose a non-stressful time. In other words, bring it up on a laid-back Sunday afternoon at home, not right before they head out for an appointment or after they come home from a hectic day at work.
  • Start with reassuring language. Instead of making accusations that might put them on the defensive, Estes advises opening up the conversation with something positive like, “There are lots of areas of our relationship I’m really happy with right now, like [X, Y, and Z]. But sexual intimacy is one area I’d really like to work on with you.”
  • Come from a place of curiosity. Rather than making statements like, “We don’t have enough sex,” try observations and questions, like, “I’ve noticed we haven’t been having sex as much as we used to and I’m curious: Why do you think that is?”

Insider’s takeaway

Although sex can be a powerful way to bond and stay connected, it’s not absolutely essential for a relationship to thrive.

For one, you have many other ways to foster physical intimacy in your relationship besides sex. But you might even find that prioritizing other elements of your relationship, — like respect, emotional security, quality time, positive communication, and overall intimacy — can go a long way toward strengthening your bond.

That said, if you and your partner have very different sexual needs and you consistently feel unfulfilled, experts agree you should feel free to share that with your partner in a calm and honest, but non-judgmental, way.

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How to Be Human

— Talking to People Who Are Transgender or Nonbinary


Their gender isn’t your call to make

by The Healthline Editorial Team

Does language need to be collectively agreed upon before it’s actually offensive? What about subtler phrasings that unconsciously undermine people, specifically transgender and nonbinary people?

Ignoring what others identify themselves as can actually be alienating and sometimes traumatizing. The misuse of pronouns might seem innocent, but it also puts the speaker’s discomfort and values before the other person’s. In other words, it’s a form of discrimination and harmful to presume someone’s pronouns by looking at them.

Referring to people with terms or phrases that they don’t agree with — like “it’s just a phase” — is a destructive force that implies a sense of doubt, fantasy, or role-play.

Describing someone as a “former man” or “biological man” is demeaning. When you insist on using a former name an individual no longer uses, it symbolizes a preference for your own comfort and can be outright rude, if done intentionally.

In an article for Conscious Style Guide, Steve Bien-Aimé proclaims, “Common language usages should not trample over others who are different.” So why not use the words that have power to validate, acknowledge, and include?

Here at Healthline, we couldn’t agree more. Our most powerful tools on the editorial team are our words. We weigh the words of our content carefully, scanning for issues that could hurt, exclude, or invalidate other human experiences. It’s why we use “they” instead of “he or she” and why we distinguish between gender and sex.

Gender and sex are separate matters. Sex is a word that refers to a person’s biology, including chromosomes, hormones, and organs (and when you take a closer look, it becomes clear that sex isn’t binary, either).

Gender (or gender identity) is the state of being a man, woman, both, neither, or other gender altogether. Gender also includes the roles and expectations society assigns to each person based on their “maleness” or “femaleness.” These expectations can become so ingrained that we may not even recognize when or how we reinforce them.

Gender evolves over time and culture. There was (not too long ago) a time when it was socially unacceptable for women to wear pants. Many of us look back on that now and wonder how it was that way for so long.

Just as we created the space for changes in clothing (which is gender expression) for women, we are learning more space needs to be created in language to affirm and account for the experiences and feelings of transgender people.

Despite being such small words, pronouns hold a lot of significance when it comes to identity. She, he, they — it’s not a matter of grammar. (The Associated Press updated their style guidelines for 2017, allowing for the singular use of “they.”) We use “they” all the time in reference to singular people — just in the introduction above, we used it four times.

If you meet someone new and they haven’t made it clear which pronouns they use, ask. The more we do this as a society, the more natural it’ll become, like asking “How are you?” And honestly, it’ll save you more awkwardness down the line. A simple, “Hey Jay, how do you like to be referred to? What pronouns do you use?” will suffice.

So, whether it’s he, she, they, or something else: When someone lets you know their pronouns, accept them. Using the wrong pronouns (or misgendering) is a sign that you don’t believe someone knows who they are better than you do. It can also be a form of harassment when done intentionally.

Don’t say this: “She’s a former woman who now goes by Michael.”

Say this instead: “That’s Michael. He tells amazing stories! You should meet him sometime.”

It’s unfortunately not uncommon for trans people to still be referred to by their given (as opposed to affirmed) names. This is called deadnaming, and it’s an act of disrespect that can be easily avoided by simply asking, “How do you like to be referred to?”

Many trans people put a lot of time, emotion, and energy into the name they use and it should be respected. The use of any other name can be harmful and should be avoided whenever possible.

A full summary of a transgender person’s gender history and anatomy are usually completely irrelevant. So, when you talk about or with a person, be careful to not prioritize your curiosities. Stick to topics that are relevant to why the person came to see you.

Don’t say this: “Dr. Cyril Brown, named Jessica Brown at birth, made a pivotal discovery in the journey toward curing cancer.”

Say this instead: “Thanks to Dr. Cyril Brown, an amazing scientist, we may now be one step closer to curing cancer.”

Curiosity is a valid feeling, but acting on it isn’t your job. It’s also disrespectful to many trans people. While you may be curious about the details of a person’s gender, body, and anatomy, understand that you don’t have a right to that information. Just like you don’t owe an explanation about your past life, they don’t owe you one, either.

When you meet most other people, you probably don’t inquire about the state of their genitals or their medication regimen. That personal health information is personal, and being trans doesn’t take away that right to privacy.

If you want to understand their experience better, do some research of your own into the different options available to people who identify as transgender, nonbinary or gender nonconforming. But don’t ask an individual about their specific journey unless they’ve given you permission.

Don’t say this: “So, are you ever going to have, you know, the surgery?”

Say this instead: “Hey, what are you up to this weekend?”

To be gender inclusive is to be open to all gender identities and gender expressions in a discussion.

For example, an article may come across our desk that reads “women” when it really means “people who can become pregnant.” For transgender men, menstruation and pregnancy may still be very real issues they experience. Describing the entire group of ovulating people as “women” excludes the experience of some trans men (and women who deal with infertility, but that’s another article).

Words like “real,” “regular,” and “normal” can also be excluding. Comparing trans women against so-called “real” women separates them from their identity and continues the incorrect idea that gender is biological.

Using precise, descriptive language rather than gender buckets isn’t only more inclusive, it’s just clearer.

Don’t say this: “Women and transgender women showed up in huge numbers at the rally.”

Say this instead: “Lots of women showed up at the rally in record numbers.”

Remember, you’re speaking about another person. Another human being. Before you open your mouth, think about what details may be unnecessary, diminish their humanity, or result from your own discomfort.

For example, it’s important to acknowledge that this person is — you guessed it — a person. Referring to members of the trans community as “transgenders” denies their humanity. It’s just like how you wouldn’t say “he’s a black.”

They’re people, and being transgender is just a part of that. Terms like “transgender people” and “the transgender community” are more appropriate. Likewise, many trans people dislike the term “transgendered,” as if trans-ness was something that happened to them.

Rather than coming up with new or shorthand ways to describe trans people, just call them trans people. This way, you avoid accidentally stumbling onto an offensive slur.

Note that even if one person identifies with a term or slur, it doesn’t mean everyone does. It doesn’t make it OK for you to use that term for all the other trans people you meet.

And in most instances, being trans isn’t relevant when interacting with people. Other details that probably aren’t necessary to question are whether the person is “pre-op” or “post-op” and how long ago they started transitioning.

You don’t talk about cis people’s bodies when you introduce them, so extend the same courtesy to trans people.

Don’t say this: “We met a transgender at the bar last night.”

Say this instead: “We met this awesome dancer at the bar last night.”

Navigating new territory can be difficult, we get it. And while these guidelines may be helpful, they’re also just guidelines. People are diverse, and one size will never fit all — especially when it comes to self-reference.

As humans, we’re bound to mess up at some point. Even good intentions may not land appropriately.

How one person feels respected may be different from how another person feels respected. If you flub up, politely correct your mistake and move forward. The important part is to remember to focus on the other’s feelings — not your own.

Don’t say this: “I’m sorry, but it’s just so hard for me to call you Jimmy after I’ve known you as Justine for so long! I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it.”

Say this instead: “Hey Just— sorry, Jimmy, do you want to come with us to dinner Friday?”

If you think someone is trans, don’t ask. It doesn’t matter. They’ll tell you if it ever becomes relevant and if they feel comfortable sharing that information with you.

If someone is trans or nonbinary, or if you’re just not sure, it doesn’t hurt to ask how you should address them. Asking shows respect and that you want to validate their identity.

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Boomers are bringing ‘summer of love’-style change to sex in their older years

Sex in retirement years: the rewards and risks

By Jessica Hall

When Lisa Noll, 67, got divorced two years ago after 35 years of marriage, she thought relationships, romance and sex were a thing of the past. Now, she’s in a relationship with a man 10 years younger and has what she calls “a rich sex life.”

“I didn’t think people had sex any more. I thought people got old and just stopped. It’s like a big secret,” said Noll, who splits her time between Colorado Springs, Colo., and Merida, Mexico. “I’m floored that I am having sex and a relationship and that it’s as good as it is. I’m a lot more confident now and know what I want.”

When Lisa Noll, 67, got divorced two years ago after 35 years of marriage, she thought relationships, romance and sex were a thing of the past. Now, she’s in a relationship with a man 10 years younger and has what she calls “a rich sex life.”

“I didn’t think people had sex any more. I thought people got old and just stopped. It’s like a big secret,” said Noll, who splits her time between Colorado Springs, Colo., and Merida, Mexico. “I’m floored that I am having sex and a relationship and that it’s as good as it is.

About 40% of people between ages 65 and 80 are sexually active, according to a survey from the National Poll on Healthy Aging, sponsored by AARP and the University of Michigan.

A Pew Research Center study found that the number of older Americans between ages 55 and 64 who had used an online dating website or app doubled between 2013 and 2015. Some dating sites, such as those run by AARP and OurTime, cater specifically to singles 50 years and older. Given that 45% of Americans older than 65 are divorced, separated or widowed, according to AARP, there’s a lot of potential customers.

“The baby boomers had to break down sexual barriers in the 60s and 70s and they’re silently doing it now. There’s a notion that if you turn 55, 60, 70, sex goes away. But it doesn’t. People are living longer and they’re having sex longer,” said John Portmann, author of the book “The Ethics of Sex and Alzheimer’s” and a professor of religious studies at the University of Virginia. “There are celebrities like Jane Fonda who say they’ve never stopped having sex. I think she sees herself as trying to liberate women and say that sex doesn’t stop.”

Daniel Reingold, President and CEO of RiverSpring Living, the parent organization of the Hebrew Home at Riverdale, realized in the mid-‘90s that his organization needed a sexual expression policy when a nurse came up to him, rattled that a couple was having sex in a room and asked him what to do.

Reingold’s organization then did a national survey of nursing homes on the topic of sex, created a policy and a staff training video that could be used by other nursing homes and assisted living centers. Since then, the policies have evolved and now include more discussion on LGBTQ+ issues.

“What’s so shocking to me is that 25 years later, so many organizations and people are putting their heads in the sand on this topic of sex,” Reingold said. “The big issue in the room is ageism. People think that desire and libido go away at a certain age and to me that’s so ageist. Most of us think our parents are virgins and the idea of them having sex is disgusting to us. That’s just so wrong.”

Touch tends to be among the last senses to decline, Reingold said, so the power of touch is incredibly rewarding for residents in assisted living, nursing homes or other facilities.

“Whether it’s holding hands or snuggling or sex, the person is not looking at the other person as old and wrinkled. They’re looking at it as young love. The pleasure of touch can be the thing that makes a resident want to get up in the morning to see their girlfriend at breakfast, to continue to thrive,” Reingold said.

Safer sex later in life

Of course, there’s not just the rewards of intimacy, there’s also risks associated with sex in retirement years.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, between 2011 and 2015, chlamydia infections in Americans aged 65 and over increased by nearly 50%, and gonorrhea by 102%. Medicare offers free STD screenings for seniors, yet only 5% of those who are eligible for the service have chosen to use the service.

Meanwhile, users of erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs have two-to-three times higher rates of STDs than do nonusers, Harvard researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital have found after analyzing insurance records of more than 1.4 million U.S. men over age 40.

According to a National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, condoms are used in about 40% of sexual encounters among college-age Americans. But among those 61 and older, condoms are only used in about 6% of sexual encounters.

“If you have to be institutionalized and your adult child strongly informs the home that they don’t want you having sex, it’s oddly analogous to parents and teenagers. But the roles are reversed. Middle-aged people don’t like the idea of their parents having a sexual life or getting an STD. It’s a very confusing area for people.” Portmann said.

Questions of consent

There are more risks than STDs. At what point does age and mental and physical health collide to the point that sex is no longer safe due to an inability to provide consent due to a dementia or Alzheimer’s diagnosis?

In 2015, a longtime Iowa legislator and retired farmer was acquitted after being charged with sexual assault for having sex with his wife, who had Alzheimer’s disease and was in a nursing home.

That case and others, however, have raised the notion of the ability of a person to consent to sex and the responsibility held by the nursing home to protect patients and report any assaults as mandatory reporters.

“Sexual abuse and unwanted sexual activity is a real issue with dementia patients. Enough of it is going on that it is a pretty prevalent problem,” said Minneapolis-based attorney Mark Kosieradzki, who has tried several cases of sexual abuse in nursing homes.

State laws vary about the ability to consent.

Reingold said memory issues are increasingly a concern in assisted-living programs as people try to age at home as long as possible and tend to go to a residential program needing a much more advanced level of care.

“If there’s any doubt in our minds about the ability to consent, we look at the rights to intimacy against the right to prevent unwanted touching and we will err on the side of protecting against unwanted touching every time. We have to,” Reingold said.

The best way to protect against unwanted touch is to talk about the idea of sex and aging and air out the topic as much as possible, Kosieradzki said.

“I do believe there is a bias. Claims of sexual assault by the elderly are not taken seriously because there isn’t an understanding of older sexual drives or there’s a bias about why would someone have sex with an 88-year-old,” Kosieradzki said.

“There’s not an easy solution. It’s not one of those things that you can’t talk about. It should be thought about and discussed frequently as people get older and have different caregivers or live in different residential communities,” Kosieradzki said.

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How to Start a Casual Sex Relationship

There is nothing shameful about casual sex—if you’re being open and honest.

By Brianne Hogan

A new study suggests that dating-app users are are more likely to casually date and have casual sex. Surprise! While we probably didn’t need a study to state the obvious, casual sex still gets a bad rap, especially if that’s what you’re exclusively seeking. Our sexual wants and needs ebb and flow with life, and sometimes sex is a pleasurable activity you want to do with no strings attached. But how do you have casual sex while remaining respectful and safe for all parties involved? First, it might be a good idea to actually define what casual sex means to you.

“Casual sex can be used as an umbrella term to define sexual activity between people who may not have as much familiarity, attachment, or commitment with their sexual partner(s),” says Dr. Kristen Mark, sexual health educator and Everlywell advisor. “This can include anything from one-night stands to friends with benefits but typically is outside of the context of a romantic relationship or attachment.”

Since the parameters of casual sex can be a little delicate, here’s what to keep in mind before you swipe right on the next hookup.

Casual sex is not inherently shameful

Once you understand what casual sex means to you, it’s equally important to accept that’s what you’re seeking right now in your life and not shame yourself (or others) for pursuing it.

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“Pursuing casual sex is always OK to do if it is genuinely what you want,” Mark says. “There are a lot of important needs that can be met through sex—things like sexual pleasure, stress release, satisfaction, connection—and that doesn’t have to happen in the context of a romantic relationship or attachment.”

But Mark cautions it’s equally important to check in with yourself to ensure you’re getting your needs met and aren’t doing it for the sake of someone else at the expense of yourself. “If you find yourself in casual sexual relationships but you’re looking for something more serious, be true to yourself on that, or casual sex can become something that might not be meeting your needs.”

Open communication and safety are the biggest priorities

Relationships of any kind, including and maybe especially unattached relationships like this, thrive on communication. If you’re vibing with a match and you know you’re only interested in something casual, make it known as soon as possible. “Communicate this directly and simply,” Mark says. “You can just say, ‘I’m just looking for casual sex here, and wanted to be upfront about that so that we are on the same page.’ That’s about it—keep it simple and direct and honest.” On the flip side, if you’re not seeking casual sex, communicate that simply and directly, too.

While reported cases of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in the U.S. decreased during the early months of COVID, most of them, including gonorrhea and syphilis, resurged by the end of 2020. That’s why, if you’re regularly engaging in non-barrier-protected sex with partners whose STI status you’re unsure of, Mark recommends getting tested with each new partner (especially when partners are having sex with multiple other people) or whenever fluid bonding (where you don’t have a barrier method in place such as a condom) is taking place.

“Make sure that if you’re engaged in fluid bonding that you talk about STIs, and if there are body parts involved that could result in sperm meeting an egg, that you talk about unintended pregnancy prevention,” Mark says. “Be transparent about your intentions, your needs, and your safety. This is crucial and by communicating this with a partner, you show them that you care about their health, too.”

The same goes if you discover you have an STD/STI after sex with your new partner.

“STIs are quite common,” Mark says. “Around 1 in 4 people will be diagnosed with an STI in their lifetime. So, in knowing that, try to just approach it directly and perhaps even frame it that way. Having sex without barrier protection has inherent risk, and everyone can weigh that risk with the benefit for themselves. Part of that risk is the potential for STIs, so just be direct about the fact that this is something you’ll have to deal with.”

She advises to get in touch with your most recent sexual partners and let them know they need to get tested. “Avoid blaming or shaming. Simply state the facts and let them know that you want to look out for their health and the health of their partners, so they need to get tested and treated.”

Whether it’s a one-night stand or a friends-with-benefits situation, Mark says her biggest piece of advice is to always remain honest and clear with your sexual partner and check in frequently.

“No matter what type of sex you’re having, doing a pulse check to ensure you’re on the same page with a partner is always a good idea,” she says. “Simply check in by saying something like, ‘That was great, how are you doing? Are we doing OK here?’ Be transparent and direct about what you’re looking for. Don’t give people the wrong impression about what you want just for the sake of hooking up. Be an empathetic and open communicator.”

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