Talking to your partner about sex isn’t always easy—especially if you want to change things up. In an ideal world, you’d feel free to talk to your partner about anything. Unfortunately, we live in a society that fills our heads with all kinds of hang-ups and roadblocks that can make talking about sex less comfortable than, say, talking about your favorite music.
Think about it. We spend so much of our grade school, high school, and college years learning how to communicate effectively about everything but sex. For some, talking to your partner about abortion rights or gun control is easier than asking if they have a favorite sex toy. That’s because growing up, many of us weren’t given the space to learn how to talk about sex, let alone how to advocate for our own pleasure.
Talking to your partner about sex, and about trying new things in the bedroom, is all about compassionately disclosing your own preferences, desires, and boundaries, and encouraging them to do the same. That’s where we’ll start.
1. Approach With Compassion
Since we’re not often given space to learn and grow our ability to talk about sex, most of us end up getting stuck in ideas and attitudes we learned from movies, TV shows, games, music, and porn. Too often, these sources perpetuate the idea that women’s sexual needs are extra credit—something nice but not exactly the main course. Conversely, the media often reinforces the idea that men’s sexual desires begin and end in a race toward orgasm.
Talking openly about what you want out of sex means challenging these deeply rooted ideas, in yourself and in your partner (or partners), no matter what your gender is. Because we start to absorb these attitudes at such a young age, the part that holds on to them is a young part. That means it’s probably sensitive, feisty, and prone to being easily embarrassed. Have you ever fallen behind in a class? It can feel like that. So you hide it, pretend, and put on an act, but deep down you still have trouble advocating for your needs, curiosities, and boundaries.
No matter where you are on the comfort spectrum, have compassion for yourself and for your partner. Think about where they’re at, think about where you’re at, and approach them with kindness and understanding.
2. Know What You Want to Try
Next time you’re masturbating, pay attention to what really gets you going. What are you fantasizing about (or watching) that you really want to try with your partner? Write it down in a journal, in a note file on your phone, somewhere you won’t forget about it.
Make sure you’re specific. For instance, don’t just write down “rough stuff.” Write down spanking, hair pulling, bondage, etc. The more generic you are, the more room for confusion there is, and the more likely you are to be disappointed. We don’t want that. We want sex to be fun; we want talking about sex to be fun.
3. Talk During and After Sex
One of the best ways to break the ice and get comfier talking to your partner about sex is simple: Talk about sex. Being vocal during, after, and even before sex is one of the best ways to open the door to a world where you talk about sex as easily as you talk about what to have for dinner.
Tell him, her, or them how much you like doing what you’re doing, or how much you like what they’re doing. When you’re lying in the afterglow, mention something you liked. “It was so hot when you,” or “I loved when we.” It’s a good thing to practice because it opens the door to talking about things you liked outside the context of actually having sex.
4. Be Horny
Now that you have a good idea of what you want to try and you’re comfortable talking about sexduring sex, it’s time to practice talking about sex outside of the bedroom. Start with little things like sexually charged compliments. “Your arms look so hot when you” or “Your butt looksso good in those” or “From this angle, I can see your,” and just leave it there. Not every horny comment is a prelude to sex; they definitely can be, but it’s pretty fun to just flirt with your partner and let that sexual tension sizzle on the back burner.
5. Pop the Question
Once you’re comfortable giving and receiving horny compliments and you are both feeling some of that ambient sexual tension, instead of giving a compliment, sidle up close and ask them a question. Something like “Would you ever want to do X, Y, or Z to me?” or “What do you think about being spanked?” This way there’s room for a conversation, and room for your partner to say yes, no, or maybe.
The nice thing about talking about it outside of the bedroom is that even if your partner is interested, you’re not in a situation where either of you feels pressured to try the new thing right now, and it can just sit in the back of the mind for a little bit. It’s something you’re both aware of, thinking about, and will probably try pretty soon. Then the next time you start getting frisky, if you’re ready, ask if they are, and go from there.
6. Leave Room for No
If your partner has a boundary around the thing you want to try, talking about it outside of sexual activity means you’re in a sexually open but not sexually vulnerable space to have that conversation. This is important. It’s hard to say no.
Saying no to someone you care about and want to make happy can be even harder—especially for women. Those same influences that give us so much of our early sex education reinforce the idea that women’s pleasure is secondary, and it’s really easy to internalize that without realizing it. That’s not to say that setting boundaries is easy for men either, it’s definitely not, for the same reasons. Leave yourself and your partner room to say no. Even if you don’t get to try the thing you want to explore, you still get to enjoy an all-new level of trust and communication with someone you care about.
Sex toys haven’t always been connected to a multi-billion dollar market; for a long time, consumers widely purchased back massagers with an off-label use as a vibrator or simply didn’t interact with the products at all. But thanks to changing perceptions and awareness about pleasure’s role in sexual health, which is integral to wellness, sex-toy usage is on the rise and stigma is steadily making its way out. According to market research, as of 2022, nearly 1.5 million Americans disclosed that they use them every week, up from 86 million in 2017. And considering the benefits of sex toys, we’re better off for it.
As a sex therapist, I love seeing this shift. The documented rise in usage of sex toys is encouraging us to be more open with sexual discourse and general, which has a positive impact on our sexual health and wellness. Why? Well, it may start with pleasure—but that’s far from where it ends.
Pleasure is just one the benefits of using sex toys
Whether you’re a vulva-owner, penis-owner, or intersex, pleasure is the cornerstone of a healthy sex life. It’s easy to see how toys help us out here: We use them to experience the euphoric sensations we can’t quite achieve (or achieve as quickly) on our own.
If you’re thinking, Of course sex toys make you feel good, fair point. But what’s less obvious is how vital pleasure is to our overall health and well-being. It’s a common tendency to sideline the value of sex, view it as a bonus or a treat, or something to put at the bottom of our priority list when life gets busy. However, consider that research has connected sexual satisfaction to lowered levels of anxiety and depression. In that vein, it stands to reason that pleasure alone is just the tip of the iceberg of benefits of sex—and sex toys are adept at facilitating sex that is rich with pleasure.
No, sex isn’t required to dispel mental-health ailments nor should it function as an isolated strategy for restoring optimum mental health. Rather, sexual satisfaction is one important factor that stands to support overall mental health, and—crucially—can be achieved without a partner. Sexual stimulation through masturbation may help bring on similar benefits of boosting your mood, self-esteem, sleep quality, and helping to relieve stress. And because sex toys stand to make all forms of sex more enjoyable, they have a major role to play here.
Good sex is good for your body, and sex toys can help
Although pleasure is a tenet of sexual health, and sex toys are marketed primarily on their ability to derive pleasure, it’s by no means the only value they provide. Sex toys—while capable of helping users better understand their desires and better communicate with partners—can actually provide physical benefits.
Sex toys—while capable of helping users better understand their desires and better communicate with partners—can actually provide physical benefits.
To illustrate this point, consider, the vibrator. Research suggests vibration may help treat erectile dysfunction (ED) and anorgasmia, an issue common in women who experience delayed, infrequent, or absent orgasms—or significantly less-intense orgasms—after sexual arousal. Vibration has been linked to improvements in sexual function and desire, whether you have a penis or a vulva. Pelvic-floor dysfunction—the inability to correctly relax and coordinate your pelvic floor muscles, which often causes sexual problems, not to mention issues with constipation or urinary leakage—may also be helped through vibration.
Another sex-toy category—vacuum-like devices that use a hand- or battery-powered pump to create suction around your penis, clitoris, vulva, or nipples—has shown to treat and sometimes resolve such issues as ED and genital arousal disorder.
As we continue talking more openly about sex, sex toys become a larger part of the conversation. Nurturing our sexuality illuminates that pleasure is attainable—and provides for health benefits, to boot. Sex toys prioritize pleasure, of course, but pleasure itself is about taking care of your sexuality—which includes your mind and your body. When toys help you experience pleasure, they help you cultivate a happier and healthier version of yourself.
— As research shows that more people are sexing their way through their seventies than ever before, WH unpicks why the thought of the older generation getting their kicks makes people so uncomfortable
As Richard* reaches for the massage oil, Belle assumes her position facedown on the bed. Spreading the warm liquid across her shoulders, his hands slowly creep down her body – taking extra care over her aching lower back.
Unable to resist any longer, she gently turns onto her front, spreads her legs and allows him to pleasure her until an orgasm ripples through her body.
‘When Richard has taken Viagra, I know he’ll be able to go for hours. So, once I come back down to earth, I reach for the lube and climb on top. My hips may not move as smoothly as they used to, but that doesn’t stop us climaxing.’
This is the sixth time 70-year-old Belle* and Richard, 85, who she met on a dating site 18 months ago, have had sex this week. And they’re far from alone: research has been telling us – for years, actually – that seniors are sexing their way through their seventies – and beyond.
A leading 2015 study funded by Age UK and carried out by researchers at The University of Manchester found that 54% of men and 31% of women over the age of 70 were still “sexually active”. A third were having sex at least twice a month. One 2018 survey by the University of Michigan also found that 40% of people between 65 and 80 reported being sexually active, with more than half of those who have a partner saying they still get down to it, while a further Swedish study in 2021 revealed that 10% of those over 90 were even having sex.
A Swedish study revealed that 10% of those over 90 were still having sex.
Clearly, the data shows that older people aren’t just having sex, but also (whisper it) enjoying it – but then, why shouldn’t they? Beyond the fact we’re living longer and lots of older adults have better access to sex-life saving healthcare and medication, many seniors looking for love or sex after divorce or the death of a spouse, have (contrary to the technophobe stereotype) also embraced the internet.
One 2021 US survey found more than a third of respondents over 55 had dated within the last five years, with 13% using dating apps or websites, and 7% turning to social media to meet someone. Psychosexual therapist Lohani Noor says the sex positivity and sexual wellness movement over the past decade has played an empowering part, and has noticed an increase in older people coming to therapy to explore their sexuality.
‘Many are finding the courage, after a lifetime of being repressed, to bring to life their buried authentic sexual selves,’ she says. ‘The joy of sexual liberation that our society affords is available to all and older people are grasping it with both hands before time literally runs out.’
Many younger people hold strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of senior sex
Yet even with this positive shift amongst older generations, many younger ones have long held strong, often negative, reactions to the thought of older people having sex. ‘Can we please draw the line at friction fires caused by unkempt, geriatric pubes rubbing together vigorously on polyester couches?’ said one viral Vice article titled “Old People Having Sex Is Gross” back in 2012.
Ten years later, the idea still leads to recoiling as shown in May this year when ABC announced a seniors-focused spinoff of the hit series The Bachelor, called The Golden Bachelor, where ‘one hopeless romantic is given a second chance at love in the search for a partner with whom to share the sunset years of life’. Fans of the OG show were quick to share their mocking reactions on Instagram, with comments ranging from ‘No. No. No.’ to, ‘Does this mean old folks? You guys…be for real’.
So why is it that eight years after Age UK’s landmark study, which lead researcher Dr. David Lee hoped would ‘counter stereotypes and misconceptions about late-life sexuality’ are people still weirded out by the thought of older people having good sex?
Exploring the senior sex taboo
Noor argues there’s an outright refusal that older folks are sexual beings, despite the research proving otherwise. ‘We’re discussing it more, but many feel uncomfortable about senior sex because we de-sexualise adults as they age,’ she says. ‘Referring to them in a sexual way becomes strangely repulsive.’
Joan Price, author of the Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex agrees it’s down to The Ick Factor. ‘Like, ‘Eww, old people having sex? That’s disgusting. No, don’t tell me la la la,’’ she says. After losing her husband at 57, Price is now 79 and enjoying her sex life. She believes the taboo is rooted in society’s wider fear of getting older and our mortality.
‘People have been taught growing up, and through the media, that they will only be sexually desirable if they use certain products, dress a certain way, and act a certain way [at a certain age]. That’s harmful.’
67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media
Indeed, a study by Relate found that 67% of over 65s feel sex and intimacy for their age group is rarely or never represented in media. ‘When I went looking for books [about senior sex] it was doom and gloom,’ says Price, adding it felt like the world was saying ‘‘just give it up and crochet or play with grandchildren”. But sexual pleasure has no expiration date!’
Alyson*, 68, who’s been married for 36 years and has sex with her husband, Omar*, 67, twice a week, empathises with younger peoples’ anxieties about getting older. ‘There are many preconceptions: the doddery grandma is patronised and laughed at; her opinions are old fashioned – I think it’s all linked to a loss of respect for older people, like they’re not important, not visible or a nuisance,’ she says. ‘But I absolutely understand [the reaction] as young people don’t want to think about themselves as getting there too.’
“Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible”
Entrenched beauty standards have also bolstered the perception. ‘Young people imagine deteriorated bodies and think the whole thing would ‘look’ horrible,’ adds Belle. ‘Like two fat lumps of wrinkled flesh in the bed together. I think people think [sex] is meant to be a thing for young women and men. I don’t think my sons want to encounter being told anything about my sex life – and I don’t discuss it with them – but young people should know it can still be a huge amount of fun.’ And, importantly, with health benefits, too.
The joy of senior sex
Two years after his research was published, Lee teamed up with Professor Josie Tetley from Manchester Metropolitan University and after analysing findings from the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing, they discovered a clear link between positive sexual health and intimacy later in life, and better subjective well-being. A separate study published in the Journal Sexual Medicine in 2019 echoed these findings: participants with an average age of 65, who had reported any kind of sexual activity within the last 12 months, were found to have better wellbeing and a higher enjoyment of life.
‘When we experience pleasure and orgasm, the body releases endorphins that can strengthen our immune system, bring pain relief to chronic conditions, and improve our cognitive functioning,’ explains Noor. ‘These are particularly important in our senior years.’
“The health benefits generated from orgasm release are particularly important in our older years”
Miranda Christophers, a psychosexual therapist for online menopause platform Issviva, agrees that, for older people, ‘the benefits of sex may feel more important’ as our bodies age and we experience changes such as increased blood pressure. ‘Studies suggest blood pressure is lowered by physical contact, and being physically close with a romantic partner reduces C-reactive protein (CRP) which relates to inflammation,’ she says.
That said, the rise of senior sex has also brought a rise in STIs such as chlamydia, gonorrhoea and syphilis, with rates among the over 60s and 70s almost doubling in the last decade. Bianca Dunne, a nurse and co-founder of sexual health app iPlaySafe says the amount of people filing for divorce in their 50s and the rise of dating apps targeting the over 50s are contributing factors. ‘The exclusion of the over 50s [in government sexual health campaigns] has also resulted in a lack of education among this age group,’ she says.
Belle, who has always taken an STI test before and after a new partner, has dated a number of older men and seen this lack of senior sex education first-hand. ‘Our generation are meeting people on dating websites regularly and having unprotected sex,’ she says. ‘There’s no fear of pregnancy. Ask a 70-year-old man to put on a condom, I think they’d laugh at you. Our generation doesn’t think about protecting their sexual health.’
Creaks between the sheets
While senior sex can come with healthy benefits – minus the STIs – there’s no denying it’s different. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. A survey by sexual wellness brand LELO UK found nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives, 42% were more adventurous, and 16% even said their sex drive has increased.
‘It’s enjoyable in a different way – it doesn’t have the Olympic feats that it used to have; it’s a more quiet and gentle sex,’ says Belle, adding that being put on ‘some wonderful HRT’ during menopause was a game-changer ‘in terms of lubrication and being seriously up for it.’
Research found that nearly a third of people over 50 were having the best sex of their lives
Today, certain positions – missionary and woman-on-top – work better with her unstable knees, back and shoulder pain, which some days can leave her struggling to get out of bed, but the couple vowed to face any age-related problems head on.
Anything that’s failed, we laughed about and tried again. Richard has had trouble with erections since having prostate surgery but we discussed it and he went to see his GP who prescribed Viagra. It worked like magic and boosted his confidence.’
Alyson and Omar have also overcome sexual struggles including, after years of not having sex, Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man. ‘It came at a time when I felt completely undesirable and it was brief but enough to rekindle feelings about my own desire,’ she says, adding that while she didn’t tell Omar, it led to them rebooting their sexual relationship.
Alyson’s one-off fling with a younger man rebooted her sexual relationship with her husband
Recently, however, Omar has struggled to maintain an erection and refuses to go to his GP. ‘It’s becoming more difficult [to have sex]. I miss the penetration.’ He’s also revealed some new desires, which Alyson isn’t as keen on. ‘He’s asked me to try pegging him. He has a strap-on, which I think he hoped I would use on him, but I won’t – that’s one of my boundaries.’
Since his erectile dysfunction, Omar has also begun collecting gadgets that might help, including butt plugs and cock rings, but they’re ‘an interruption,’ says Alyson, ‘and that can be problematic as I can fall asleep in the 10 minutes it takes to get them out.’
Despite these issues, Alyson loves having an active sex life again. ‘I enjoy orgasms and masturbating together,’ she says, recalling her favourite recent steamy moment. ‘We were on the beach, in a very isolated place, and had a lot of sex on the rocks with Omar managing to maintain his erection. That was good. I quite like outdoor sex!’
Reframing senior sex
And that’s the thing: as humans, we’re designed for sexual pleasure and, as Noor says, denying our sexual nature can hurt us in profound ways. But she also believes a larger cultural reframing towards senior sex will happen, albeit slowly, with people living and loving longer than ever. ‘As society evolves and we learn that we are sexual sensual beings who thrive off physical closeness, we will allow ourselves more permissions to seek closeness, whatever that looks like,’ she says.
Price is already on a mission to encourage this. ‘Sexual pleasure is lifelong. Is it the same as younger age sex? No. It is very different and continues to change and challenge us. But just because we’re challenged doesn’t mean we’re defeated. As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless.’
“As long as we educate ourselves and are open minded, sexuality is ageless”
Lesley Carter, a registered nurse and clinical lead at Age UK agrees that a mindset shift is needed for attitudes to catch up with our increasing life span. ‘It’s about understanding that ageing brings life transitions that can create opportunities for older adults to redefine what sexuality and intimacy mean to them,’ she says.
As Belle, Alyson and research proves, a great sex life in your senior years doesn’t merely exist — it can thrive. ‘Younger people need to know there can be a continuation of a fulfilling sex life,’ says Belle. ‘It’s about your state of mind. It’s like a plant, if you don’t water it, it’ll die. If you keep the spark between you, you can overcome the difficulties that come with age.’ Yes, these horny seniors have a whole lot of experience and a whole lot of untapped wisdom. Let’s stop ignoring them, and start learning from them.
*Names have been changed
Pleasure in your senior years
Advice for now – or the future – according to our experts
1. Do your communication work
‘Share your concerns, challenges and feelings,’ says Carter. ‘This might be explaining: ‘My knees hurt when we use that position, and I lose concentration’ or ‘I’m anxious about having sex because I’m self-conscious about what you think about my ageing body’. Discussing these difficulties could lead to solutions, like agreeing to try new things, or doing things differently.
2. Don’t ignore the pain
‘If you’re experiencing a new pain connected to having sex, it’s sensible [at any age] to discuss that with a healthcare professional,’ Carter says. ‘As we age, our bones, muscles and tendons get stiff and sore, so you can expect some discomfort – that’s normal. But any unfamiliar pain that worries you needs to be monitored and discussed with an expert.’
3. Do reach for the (silicone-based) lube
Vaginal dryness is common with the menopause due to a drop in oestrogen but if untreated, it can lead to irritation and painful sex in your senior years, too. ‘Using a silicone-based lube, like Durex’s silicone based lube or Boots’ own-brand silicone lube,’ advises Dunne. ‘Silicone lubes have a smooth, silky texture, so there’s no need to constantly re-apply, plus they are hypoallergenic which makes them compatible with condoms and sex toys.’
4. Don’t throw away the condoms
‘Even if you’ve experienced menopause, this doesn’t make you immune from STIs,’ says Dunne. So, yes, use a condom. ‘Make sure it doesn’t contain an ingredient that is a known irritant to you or your partner such as latex or fragrance, as this will exacerbate vaginal pain,’ adds Dunne, who recommends Durex’s Naturals Condoms and Smile Makers’ Come Connected Condomswhich are vegan.
5. Do lean on the support
‘It’s helpful if we can identify our own sexual difficulties, and do some research — there is so much information available,’ says Carter. ‘But sexual health centres can offer advice too, like discussing if a medication to treat a sexual problem may impact any other medications you’re taking.’ Age UK, National Council on Ageing, The Pelvic Hub’s Guide to Senior Sex are helpful resources, or check out Joan Price’s blog.
Sex has so many benefits; it can lower your blood pressure, boost your immune system, and even act as pain relief. It’s also great for self-esteem and can help promote a better night’s sleep. The problem is, not many of us are that keen when we’re sleep deprived.
The survey found millennials are most affected, with one in four from that age bracket vocalising a link between their sleep quality and decreased sex drive.
Just 8.7 per cent of Australians said they woke up feeling happy or energetic in the AM, so that’s not many of us adults getting hot and heavy under the covers.
“Embracing our sexuality and focusing on intimacy, especially in these cold months, is a beacon of warmth and connection,” sexologist Chantelle Otten says.
“It’s an overlooked fact that our sleep quality and libido are intricately linked. A poor night’s sleep doesn’t just leave you feeling drained and foggy; it can also dampen your desire.”
Embracing our sexuality and intimacy can lead to sex, which in turn can result in a good night’s sleep. The following day you’re more likely to be well-rested, leading to an increase in libido – and the cycle can continue.
This is undoubtedly a tough ask for new parents, those dealing with mental health issues or those of us who are simply overworked, however, it doesn’t have to involve the full month. A cuddle can also do the trick.
According to Christine Rafe, a sex and relationship therapist and director at the Good Vibes Clinic, it’s important for people to be aware of the correlation between sex and sleep.
“Partner intimacy whether sexual or non-sexual is a form of co-regulation, and even hugging and soft slow touch with a partner can activate a relaxed or regulated state which is essential for falling and staying asleep.”
She suggests creating space for physical connection with your partner in the lead-up to bedtime and then trying to carry it through to the bedroom to really reap the benefits of co-regulation.
“The hormones released during sexual pleasure and orgasm combat stress and help to regulate our nervous system, meaning orgasms can support falling asleep as well as the quality of our sleep,” she says, supporting Otten’s advice.
An added bonus is it will bring you and your partner closer as a couple.
“Decreased libido or discrepancies in libido can be distressing for both people within the partnership and can have relational, emotional and psychological impacts,” Rafe says.
One thing Australians do well is supporting their partner, says ResMed sleep physiologist Tim Stephensen. He claims we’re pretty encouraging of our partners to seek help regarding poor sleep and vice versa.
“One of the primary reasons Australians seek support for their sleep is due to their partner’s encouragement once their sleep becomes impacted, such as through loud snoring,” he explains.
“The relationships people take into the bedroom are highly influential on sleep health. A good night’s sleep is vital for a person’s sexual, physical and mental health.”
Some of TikTok’s biggest stars aren’t teen influencers or adorable pets – they are OB-GYNs posting sex education videos.
Need to know if you can continue to take antidepressants while pregnant? Dr Keith L Riggs, a Houston-based OB-GYN, has got you covered. Want to see how an IUD is inserted into the uterus? Check out a demo on the Dallas physician assistant Shay Blue’s page. Have questions on what sex position is most likely to get you pregnant? Dr Ali Rodriguez – aka the Latina Doc – made a video for that. (Spoiler: it’s whatever position you like the most – no method has emerged as a scientifically proven best choice.)
All kinds of doctors have joined TikTok. There are plastic surgeons and dermatologists who gleefully post videos hypothesizing what work an actor has had done. Dentists film videos – equal parts terrifying and mesmerizing – showing what plaque looks like as it’s scraped from teeth. If you really want to see footage from a colonoscopy, hit up the urology corner of #healthtok.
But those who practice #OBGYN – a hashtag that has over 5bn views on the app – enjoy a particular kind of virality. And some of the most popular have parlayed their online fame into other ventures.
Dr Jennifer Lincoln, who has 2.8 million followers and claims to offer “the health class you wish you had in high school”, published a book on reproductive health in 2021 and hosts a podcast where she answers listeners’ questions about all things sex. (Recent episodes include A Summer Period Survival Guide and Myth-Busting the Morning-After Pill.)
Dr Jennifer Lincoln has 2.8 million followers and hosts a podcast.
“There’s just a lot of people out there who do not know how to access things,” Lincoln, who lives in Portland, said. “Commenters have asked about anything from birth control to a pregnancy test. These are basic things we would have hoped to have been covered in sex ed, but that’s not the case in the majority of states.”
Americans have been receiving inadequate sex education for decades – but in the last year, things have become even worse. The supreme court’s reversal of Roe v Wade has led to a flood of abortion misinformation online, and Florida’s “don’t say gay” law means that teachers can no longer lead classroom discussions on gender identity or sexuality. As LGBTQ+ students continue to be marginalized across the country, they lack information that can help them understand their bodies and cultivate a sense of autonomy.
A few years ago, people with concerns about their reproductive health might hit up anonymous Reddit boards for help – now, they can take their pick of TikTok experts to follow.
Dr Danielle Jones, who goes by @mamadoctorjones on TikTok, said she had joined the platform because that’s where the kids are. “It’s a good venue to do some sex education and dispel myths about things that impact people who are younger,” she said. “We know that if we can get into their heads early and dispel misinformation before they encounter it, it can keep them from falling down the rabbit hole.”
And there are a lot of myths to dispel. Though Planned Parenthood reports that the vast majority of parents support having sex education taught in middle and high school, the US is pretty terrible at teaching it. Only 30 states and the district of Columbia require sex education classes in schools, and those that do may stress harmful abstinence-only narratives or spread medically inaccurate information.
Since the fall of Roe, Lincoln’s teen viewers have reached out to her after applying to college in states where abortion rights have been gutted, such as Texas, Florida, or Oklahoma. “They’re really scared, and they’re not sure if they’ll be able to access contraception,” she said. “Parents will also message me saying, ‘My daughter is going to college, she has her heart set on the University of Texas, but I’m scared for her. What should I do?’”
Lincoln’s answer: “Let’s talk about birth control and get Plan B and abortion pills ahead of time, just in case. You may not think this is a conversation you have to have with your daughter, but in 2023, you do.
Only 30 states and DC require sex education in schools.
Jones, who practiced obstetrics in Texas before her family moved to New Zealand in 2021, said many of her followers reach out to her with questions they do not want to ask their primary care physicians.
“In states like Texas, people are concerned about who they can safely ask about contraception,” she said. “If you don’t know how your healthcare provider feels about abortion, you don’t know if you can trust them.”
Tiffany Connolly, a 26-year-old from Grand Rapids, Michigan, has learned helpful information from OB-GYNs on TikTok. “It’s a useful source when it can be difficult to pinpoint certain things within my body,” she said. “I can’t always just call up a doctor or make an appointment right away.”
Connolly, who does not want children, plans to get a tubal ligation after her IUD expires next year. Young people who seek sterilizations often have to visit multiple doctors before finding one who will agree to provide it, but Connolly found a spreadsheet posted by Dr Franziska Haydanek, a Rochester, New York, gynecologist with more than 300,000 followers, that lists the names of doctors across the country who are known to safely and responsibly perform the procedure on unmarried and childless patients.
Haydanek posted the spreadsheet last summer, right as the reversal of Roe v Wade pushed more women to consider the procedure as a means of permanent birth control. Since then, the video has been viewed over 50,000 times.
Krysten Stein, a PhD candidate in media studies, has written about TikTok gynecologists for a communications journal. “I wanted to know why these videos were getting so much traction,” she said. “When people seek these kinds of resources online, it’s often because they don’t have access to health insurance or doctors.
Dr Danielle Jones wants to keep young people from ‘falling down the rabbit hole’.
Stein has polycystic ovary syndrome, which can cause irregular periods and pelvic pain, but often goes undiagnosed by doctors who downplay its symptoms as normal period side effects.
Years ago, Stein found refuge in online forums like Reddit, where she finally engaged with people who took her pain seriously. She suspects that people on TikTok form a similar kind of community on the app. “It’s a platform where you can see other people who might be experiencing the same thing as you are,” she said.
Samantha Broxton lives in southern California and frequents OB-GYN TikTok, where, the 35-year-old mom said, she had learned things she wished her own doctors had told her years ago. It’s been a resource for her, but she also wonders what type of care TikTok OB-GYNs provide their patients offline.
“If they’re talking about inequalities in medicine on TikTok, I want to know if they’re vocal about it too in the workplace,” she said. “Are they working to improve the system, or is it just easy to talk about doing that online?”
The American College of Gynecology and Obstetrics does not give doctors specific rules on how to use TikTok, but some hospitals and institutions have social media policies. For the most part, Stein said, doctors are on their own when it comes to deciding what information is appropriate to include in a TikTok.
They don’t always get it right. Last year, four obstetrics nurses were fired from an Atlanta hospital for making a video mocking expectant mothers. Emory hospital, which employed the nurses, later released a statement saying the video was “disrespectful and unprofessional”.
Should OB-GYN influencers take money from brands? When Stein interviewed some for her paper, there was no general consensus. Certain TikTok OB-GYNs said they would only accept deals with brands that felt aligned with their values – they were not just taking cash from anyone. Others were less judicious.
“Some of them said, ‘I want to be a content creator full time,’” Stein said. “There were a lot of moral questions that came up around that. There are no rules, and right now it’s based upon the specific person’s moral compass.”
And how do you know someone is actually a doctor, and not just playing one on TikTok? Lincoln noted that some creators are misleading in their credentials, calling themselves “hormone experts” in their bio. “That’s a term some people use after reading a book or taking a weekend ‘course’ – so, meaningless,” she said.
There are also chiropractors, anesthesiologists, and generalists who are not reproductive health experts dispensing advice on the subject. “It’s really confusing to people, because they see MD in the handle and think they’re experts, though they’re not experts in the field,” Lincoln said. “This harms the OB-GYN TikTok space because these grifting experts often throw our field under the bus.”
Actual gynecologists worth a 30-second watch, Lincoln says, are ones who cite their sources or at least let their viewers know when something is their opinion rather than a studied fact. “As a rule, when I’m explaining something medical, I always give references,” she said. “We need to be transparent about what we know and what we don’t.”
Jones believes the most urgent part of her job right now is spreading accurate information about abortion rights. She grew up in rural Texas and described herself as pro-life until going to medical school changed her mind. Now, she hopes to help others come to the same conclusion.
“I’ve had people reach out and say that I’ve helped them see abortion rights from a different perspective,” Jones said. “It’s one of the most meaningful things I can hear: ‘Two weeks ago I would have called you a murderer, but now I support the right to choose.’”
Still, she knows the limitations of TikTok activism. “What I do online is valuable, and it’s a great supplement, but it’s not going to fully replace sex education,” she said. “Young people need that, and we know the outcomes are not going to be good when they don’t receive it in schools.”
You don’t need a relationship therapist for everything, but when you and your partner are struggling to communicate, a couples therapist can give you some much-needed tools. Of course, it can be hard to know if and when seeking couples therapy is the right move — especially for queer couples. Since LGBTQ+ people have historically been underrepresented in science, literature, and media, it can be difficult for queer couples to know if they’re experiencing normal relationship stress or something bigger.
Throughout my years working as a sex and relationship therapist, I’ve pinpointed signs that you and your partner might need help from a professional. Here are seven signs that it might be time for couples therapy.
1. You’re stuck in an “infinity fight.”
Fighting with your partner isn’t always a bad thing. We all communicate differently, and for many of us, a heated (but respectful) argument is the easiest path toward conflict resolution. That said, it isn’t healthy to fight every day — especially when that fight is always about the same thing. If you and your partner fight about the same issue every time it pops up and nothing seems to change afterwards, you’re in what I call an “infinity fight.”
You could be fighting about anything — friends, family, sex, chores — but if it’s not getting better, then it’s probably just getting worse. It’s okay if you two can’t work it out on your own. That’s what therapy is for!
2. You think there’s room for improvement, but you don’t know where to start.
Couples therapy isn’t only for partners who are at their wits’ end. If you see a problem forming and want to get ahead of it, couples therapy might be right for your relationship.
In many cases, counseling is even more effective if you do it before the tears are flowing and tempers are running hot. There are a million different ways that two people can spark conflict with each other — and there’s no rule book that can tell you how to fix them all — so there’s no shame in seeking professional advice.
3. Being with your partner feels like a chore.
This is one of the saddest things I see as a therapist. Two people are madly in love, but unresolved gripes, conflicts, or complaints suck the life out of them over time.
If it feels like being with your partner is a chore — i.e., you’d rather capitulate than argue with them, their requests always feel like a burden, you try to avoid emotional or physical connection, etc. — then something is clearly wrong.
Likewise, if you feel like your partner is treating you that way no matter what you do, then it’s time to call in some assistance. Couples therapy can help you uncover the origin of those feelings and guide you back to a healthy and happy relationship.
4. Your sex life is struggling.
I often struggle to get clients to open up about sex. Whether they’re unsatisfied, afraid to express their desires, or experiencing shifts in libido, the last thing they want to do is talk to their partner about it.
They might be scared of hurting each other’s feelings or just flat-out uncomfortable talking about sex, so they wait to address it until they can hardly tolerate sex. In other cases, they may have perfect sexual communication but still feel unable to improve. A therapist can help you find out why you’re sexually unsatisfied and get back to sexual bliss with your partner.
5. You have trust issues.
I can tell you right now that a lack of trust will lead to bigger and badder problems in no time. It could be that you’ve been hurt before and feel suspicious, or it could be that your partner’s words or actions are inconsiderate.
We all want to know the truth and we all want to be able to trust our loved ones, but it’s rarely that simple. A therapist can help both of you communicate more honestly with each other. They can also help you find out if that mistrust is coming from you, your partner, or both.
6. You and/or your partner are working through trauma.
I know it feels obvious to seek professional help after experiencing trauma, but few people think to involve their partners in that work. If you’ve been through trauma together, such as a car accident or loss of a child, then you need to heal together.
If one of you has been through something traumatic, it’s normal for the other partner to want to help — even if they don’t know how. It’s natural for all of us to want to be there for those we love. A therapist can help you heal, but they can also teach your partner how to be there for you and vice versa.
7. You and your partner have fundamental differences.
We may not mind our partner’s differences at first. That difference could be a hobby, a political view, religious difference, or any other value or interest you don’t share.
Over time, these differences can turn into points of contention, resentment, or arguments. You probably can’t change that aspect of them, but a therapist can help you both move forward in a healthy way.
Remember: Couples therapy isn’t a last resort.
As the stigma surrounding mental health fades away, therapy is becoming more and more common. You don’t have to wait for an extreme problem to try it. Try a few therapists and see what feels right. Hopefully, you and your partner will start a journey towards a better, stronger relationship. That said, therapy isn’t a fix-all solution for every problem. Sometimes two people simply aren’t compatible — and that’s okay! Therapy can help you discover what steps to take for a healthier life, whether that’s together or apart.
For years, studies have shown that Americans are having less sex, whether they’re teens or in midlife. While researchers posit several different reasons for that—the lasting social effects of a pandemic that encouraged isolation, and more reliance on our devices over human connection, to name just two—I’d wager to say that for plenty of people in monogamous relationships, the idea of sex may just feel unexciting or uninspiring. As a modern love therapist, one of the most common requests I get from people in long-term monogamous relationships is for support in learning how to spice up their relationship, and specifically, their sex lives within it.
While people who are interested in exploring non-monogamy may be able to rev up their sex lives through the novelty of additional partners, those in a monogamous relationship (who aren’t interested in opening it up) may find that the extreme familiarity they have with their partner can become a breeding ground for boring sex. And boring sex likely isn’t pleasurable or satisfying sex, either—which can just make the people involved less likely to seek it out in the first place.
Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown.
Desire dies at the hands of routine and familiarity because, by nature, it thrives off the unknown. In order to feel desire, defined as hunger and craving, you have to want something you don’t currently have. And yet, to build an intimate and sustainable relationship, you need to have a person in your life (and in your bed) about whom you know a great deal.
Still, it’s certainly possible to infuse a long-term monogamous relationship with some excitement if you avoid falling into the trap of monotony. Below, find seven easy tactics for how to spice up your relationship and crank the volume on your sex life, even if it’s the same partner every time.
How to spice up your relationship and take the monotony out of monogamy
1. Approach everyday interactions with your partner more mindfully
Research shows that we listen to those we love the least closely because we believe we can predict what they are going to say. When we get used to something or someone, we tend to tune out, rather than tune in. Take, for example, brushing your teeth; do you really pay attention while you’re doing it?
In much the same way, you might realize that you tend to ask your partner how their day was without really listening to the answer, or automatically assume the same sex position or choose to have sex after dinner or with the lights out every time you have it. While there is nothing wrong with any of these practices, in theory, they all present opportunities to numb out rather than really feel—which is necessary to experiencing pleasure.
Choosing to tune into these interactions with a partner rather than allowing them to become passive programming can help you to feel more present and thus more satisfied in your relationship (and in bed).
2. Consider how your sexual desires have evolved since you started dating your partner
In all relationships, we develop patterns of interactions or ways of being together that become familiar. We often forget that when we commit to a person, we aren’t committing to being the same with that person forever. As our circumstances change—we age, have new experiences, grow, experience loss—our needs change, too.
The fact that we transform is not the problem; it’s that many times, we don’t reorient ourselves to our new needs, and therefore don’t alert our partner of these changing needs, either. What you liked when you first met your partner may be very different now, and yet you might still be relying on old patterns of interaction that no longer fit.
Human sexuality expert and sex educator Emily Nagoski, PhD, recommends asking yourself: “What is it that I want when I want sex?” and “What is it that I like when I like sex?” I recommend adding in questions like: “What prevents me from feeling good in my body?” and “What enables me to feel good in my body?” Then, ask your partner the same questions.
It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food.
Don’t be afraid to get detailed in your investigation. It’s important to normalize that desires shift over time, just like our appetites for food, and that consistent inquiry into what you and your partner like will be necessary throughout your relationship to keep sex, well, sexy.
3. Get to know your non-sexual pleasures
If you find that you struggle to answer the questions about sexual desire above, it may be because pleasure isn’t something you feel comfortable owning or experiencing—and probably for very good reason. Your body might not have always felt safe in scenarios where pleasure was involved, or you may have been taught to prioritize what others want from you versus what you want. After all, we live in a world where many bodies are under attack and in a culture that has long privileged men’s pleasure over women’s (hello, orgasm gap).
All of the above could mean you need some personal space to heal your relationship to pleasure. From an emotional perspective, when we are unable to feel pleasure, it’s not because we can’t access it; it’s because our bodies are protecting us from feeling anything at all so as to shield us from pain.
4. Create a transitional pre-sex practice for when the day’s obligations are done
One of the common complaints I hear is that people aren’t “in the mood” or are “too exhausted” at the end of the day for sex and deep connection. I do not doubt the truth of these statements; there are so many demands on our time and energy at this cultural moment.
But what may also be contributing to these feelings is the fact that, when we’re overwhelmed, the part of our brain that can connect is not readily available to us. If we attempt to go from a busy workday, an evening workout, or preparing dinner to pressing “go” on sexual connection, we are setting unrealistic expectations for ourselves.
Instead, create a transitional practice that enables your body to enter a window where connection feels possible. If you typically run anxious, ask yourself, “What sounds, sights, tastes, textures, and/or scents soothe me?” and see how you can incorporate one or more of these sensory items into a pre-sex ritual. Or, if you tend to feel low on energy or fatigued when the time for sex rolls around, do the same thing for the sensations or sensory items that typically energize you.
Integrating, for example, a few songs, movements, or fragrances that bring you back home to your body might give you just what you need to be able to shift into a connection space with your partner and make sex feel more exciting.
5. Get curious about your sex life
When we experience dissatisfaction in our sex life, we typically create a problem-focused narrative. It might sound something like, “My partner is lazy,” or “We aren’t compatible anymore.” The issue with this type of story is that it prevents further investigation. And it’s often just a strategy for avoiding feeling hurt, jealousy, or anger while steering clear of what’s really happening below the surface.
Instead, get curious about what’s happening or what’s changed in the dynamic with your partner. For example, instead of saying, “My partner doesn’t have energy for sex,” ask yourself, “What might be taking up all his energy?” Or, instead of saying, “I just don’t find sex pleasurable with my partner anymore,” ask yourself, “What has shifted for me when it comes to sex, and what may have shifted for her?” These open-ended questions offer up new pathways for connection, rather than shutting them down.
6. Discuss the sensitive or tough stuff
Sometimes, a boring or unsexy sex life is actually covering up disconnection in a relationship, which never feels good. Because our brains like to focus on what is familiar and predictable, many of us avoid asking questions about things that we fear, or to which the answers could vary widely. But when we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us. And sex tends to fall away (or become less satisfying) in the resulting chasm.
When we aren’t talking about what’s really coming up for us, silence or physical disengagement accrues around these tough topics and creates thick layers of distance between us.
Ask yourself: What are you wondering about your partner, but are afraid to know the answer to? Some ideas are: “What sexual fantasies do you have that exist outside of us, and how would you want to share them with me?”, “What do you wish were different about our relationship?”, “What do you feel insecure about in our relationship?”, “What makes it hard for you to connect with me?”, and “What ideas do you have about bringing more fire into our connection?” Anything that invites newness into a relationship has the potential to enliven it.
7. Spend time doing fun things outside of your relationship
This sounds counterintuitive, but in actuality, finding joy outside of a relationship can help you thrive within the relationship. Sometimes, we depend too heavily on our partners to meet our every need, and this puts too much weight on the relationship for it to thrive. The route to closeness might actually be differentiation and spending more time on your own.
How are you nurturing your own garden? What is your sexual relationship with yourself like? Do you still do things that bring you playfulness and joy that have nothing to do with your partner? Accessing the sensual, sexual, and curious parts of you that you may have left behind when you coupled up won’t just leave you feeling more fulfilled; it could also help you do your part in reigniting a spark between you and your partner.
— Over the past two decades, the proportion of those who identify as bisexual increased from 1.2% to 4.5%.
By Ross Pomeroy
A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research shows that bisexuality — being attracted to or engaging in sexual behavior with people of both sexes — has tripled in the U.S. over the past three decades.
Bisexuality is generally considered an invisible sexual orientation because bisexual individuals are often in monogamous relationships, so they simply appear either hetero- or homosexual.
The upward trend in bisexuality in America seems set to continue, as over 6% of 18-29 year-olds but fewer than 2% of respondents over age 40 identified as bisexual in the latest data.
A new study published in the Journal of Sex Research shows that bisexuality — being attracted to or engaging in sexual behavior with people of both sexes — has tripled in the U.S. over the past three decades.
University of Portland undergraduate student Sophia Neuweiler initiated the research for her senior thesis. She teamed up with Martin Monto, a professor of sociology specializing in gender and sexuality, to analyze data from the General Social Survey (GSS). Conducted by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago, the GSS has been used to monitor changes in social characteristics and attitudes among Americans for more than 50 years. Its biennial sample groups are designed to be representative of the demographic and socioeconomic makeup of U.S. households.
A surge in bisexuality
Neuweiler and Monto found that between 1989 and 1994, 3.1% of the 6,354 respondents reported having both male and female sex partners since age 18. Between 2012 and 2018, that rate had climbed to 9.3% among the 6,609 survey takers. Moreover, during the pandemic-affected 2021 survey year, 9.6% of respondents reported partners of both sexes as adults.
Engaging in sexual activities with members of both sexes after age 18 is not necessarily indicative of true bisexuality, however. For example, someone who identifies as gay or lesbian might have had opposite-sex partners in early adulthood before coming out later in life. Thus, the researchers checked to see if there was a corresponding increase in the proportion of Americans who actually identify as bisexual. The GSS began asking respondents about their sexual orientation in 2004. Between then and 2010, 1.2% of those surveyed identified as bisexual. By 2021, the rate had nearly quadrupled, rising to 4.5%.
“Society draws lines around sexual behavior, and these lines, though often in dispute, may move over time,” the researchers wrote. “These changing norms appear to have affected the proportion of people who identify as bisexual and likely also affected actual sexual behavior.”
Neuweiler and Monto note that the increase in bisexuality in the survey data might also stem from a rising willingness to acknowledge it. Same-sex sexual activity has been heavily stigmatized in the U.S. and around the world for the past century. Though such prejudices have lessened of late, the “global closet” is still vast. A 2019 study estimated that five out of six people around the world who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual keep their orientations hidden from all or most of the people in their lives.
Bisexuality generally has been considered an invisible sexual orientation because bisexual individuals are often in monogamous relationships, so they simply appear either hetero- or homosexual. Moreover, bisexuality historically has been stigmatized by both heterosexual and homosexual individuals, who have insisted that it’s impossible to be sexually attracted to both sexes. In fact, genital arousal studies show that it is.
Trending
The upward trend in bisexuality in America seems set to continue, as over 6% of 18-29 year-olds but fewer than 2% of respondents over age 40 identified as bisexual in the latest data. Increasing content on social media, podcasts, and TV shows that dispel society’s overarching heteronormativity may be a factor. The abrupt shock of the COVID pandemic may also have played a role. In an interview with the BBC, New York City-based clinical psychologist Jennifer Guttman noted that of her 65 clients, 10 to 12 re-thought their sexuality during the global “reset,” compared to just one who had done so before the pandemic.
If you take antidepressants and have found your libido’s dropped off a cliff, fear not, there are GP-approved steps you can take to bring it back.
There’s a lot of stigma around antidepressants
Due to the formerly hush-hush nature of mental illness and misconceptions spread in pop culture (hi, Stepford Wives), there’s a huge amount of misinformation that’s still present in the social conscience.
In reality, for people struggling with mental illness, particularly anxiety and depression, antidepressants medication can be life-changing. They can assist with levelling out severe peaks and troughs and bring an overwhelming sense of relief to the person taking the meds, in turn giving them the chance to work on their mental health in other ways.
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are one of the most common forms of antidepressants and work by slowing the rate at which the central nervous symptom reuptakes the natural serotonin produced by the body. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter attributed to happiness.
However, as with all medications, there can be side effects, one being a loss of libido.
According to Cindy Meston, a clinical psychologist and sexual psychophysiology researcher in the United States, it’s the unwanted effect women report most often.
“They don’t feel like having sex, or when they have sex, they’re just not into it,” Meston tells Goop. “And many also report an inability to attain orgasm.”
A study published in The Mental Health Clinician (MHC), a peer-reviewed, bimonthly, clinical practice journal, hypothesised that the side effects of SSRIs are attributed to the increase of serotonin in other areas of the body, and may affect “other hormones and neurotransmitters, such as testosterone and dopamine.”
“This may lead to side effects of sexual dysfunction, as testosterone may affect sexual arousal and dopamine plays a role in achieving orgasm.”
Other research shows that SSRIs “impact many key neurotransmitters (like serotonin, dopamine, histamine, and acetylcholine) and decrease the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which alters a woman’s libido.”
Aside from the scientific specifics, an unexpected loss of libido can be difficult for couples and individuals to manage.
General Practitioner (GP) Dr Sam Saling says “For those partnered up, it can cause relationship difficulties, which has a whole heap of consequences especially if there is a mismatch between each person’s sexual drive.”
Meanwhile for people who are single, “Lowered libido can still have a great effect on self-esteem, one’s interpersonal relationship endeavours, and one’s social life.”
“For both men and women, lowered libido can have absolutely no physical and mental effects, or alternatively, a huge effect, depending on the person.”
Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can work to boost your libido if it’s dropped off a cliff since you started taking antidepressants. We asked Dr Saling for her tips on getting to the bottom of a low libido, and the best ways to boost it back up.
First, look for other causes
Dr Saling says before you look to blame the antidepressants, it’s important to look for the true cause of the feeling.
“Low libido in itself is often a symptom of an untreated mood disorder,” she tells Body+Soul. “So, often the low libido that follows the commencement of an antidepressant is actually a sign of a pre-existing illness, not a side effect of the medication.”
If you’re experiencing low libido in the first half-year after commencing medication, this is particularly true, as “It can take six months or more to start seeing the full effect of an antidepressant.”
Another common side effect of antidepressants is increased sleepiness in the short term, which Dr Saling says “can definitely lower libido just due to someone’s increased desire to sleep over other activities in bed.”
Once short-term symptoms have alleviated, and the antidepressant is working in terms of abating mood symptoms, libido may also increase.
However, if after several months libido has lessened significantly, then it could be related to the antidepressants itself (rather than mood or the desire to sleep), as “low libido is a known side effect of many of these medications,” says Dr Saling.
Then, speak to your GP
If you’re suffering from a low libido, the first port of call is your GP.
“Your GP will take a detailed history and this will indicate to us what is the likely cause,” says Dr Saling. “New mood disorder medications, or an increased dose, is a clear cause.”
If it is related to the antidepressants, “Often all it requires is a dose tweaking or a different medication type,” says Dr Saling, “Sometimes, we recommend psychological counselling and lifestyle interventions.”
There are many causes of low libido including, Dr Saling tells Body+Soul, including “vascular issues, hormonal changes, and many more contributing medical conditions. Social circumstances, financial pressures, relationship difficulties and work stress” can also contribute.
If you’re suffering with low libido, your GP is the very best person you can speak to to figure it out, regardless of the cause.
How to boost libido if your antidepressants is the cause
#1. Exercise right before sex
According to Meston’s research, having sex within 30 minutes of a moderate workout significantly increased sexual desire in women taking antidepressants. ]
“We know that exercise has a lot of chronic benefits for health and sexuality—you have more energy, better sleep, enhanced body image, decreased stress,” Meston told Goop. “But in this case, we found that, in addition, acute exercise or a single act of exercise is hugely beneficial for sexual desire.”
This may be due to activating the sympathetic nervous system, which is needed to get turned on enough to reach orgasm.
Dr Saling is also an advocate for regular exercise: “I would recommend starting with a regular exercise routine incorporating both aerobic and resistance training,” she says. “This is recommended to boost mood as well as energy levels overall.
#2. Sync sex to your medication schedule
According to Meston’s research, syncing sex with when you take your medication could also help – as if you have sex right before you take your next dose, the levels from the previous dose will be at their lowest.
There is no evidence to support this practice, but Meston tells Goop that “when levels of antidepressants are very low, their sexual side effects are likely to be low, too.”
#3. Try scheduling sex
While scheduling sex may seem daggy, it can be a great way to increase intimacy in couples, which can often be a crucial step in increasing arousal.
Setting aside time where sex does not come into the picture, along with time where sex is pre-planned can help couples bond without either party misconstruing an attempt for sex, and build anticipation for the times when sex is on the agenda.
#4. Eat a healthy diet
Taking care of your body through a nutritious diet gives you the best opportunity to let it get on with its natural processes – libido included.
“A healthy diet is essential to ensure adequate nutrition to feel one’s best,” instructs Dr Saling.
#5. Introduce sex toys
Of course, if libido has dropped to the point where you or your partner is not interested in sex at all, then that must be respected. However, if you are still keen to include sex in your relationship until low libido is resolved, you may need more stimulation to become aroused and reach orgasm.
Vibrators are a surefire way to turn things up a notch if you are experiencing decreased sensitivity, and will assist with driving blood flow into the genitals.
Dr Saling also suggests implementing regular reviews with your doctor to effectively manage the change. “Not only can we review your response to medication and make adjustments if needed, but we can also recommend non-medical interventions,” she says.
“Once we work out the cause of low libido, we can tailor the treatment plan.”
Boundaries protect our well-being and foster functional and healthy relationships, but to be effective, the foundation has to be applied correctly.
Those who were raised without the education of psychologists on TikTok may be used to people crossing lines in our lives while thinking nothing of it. So the idea of setting and maintaining boundaries with people may feel alien.
But it’s never too late to learn how to “throw down a boundary.”
What are boundaries?
“Boundaries, simply put, are what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to our treatment,” said Michelle Elman, a London-based life coach and author of “The Selfish Romantic.” “We need them in all areas of our life in order to know our identity, honor our needs and stand up for ourselves.”
Boundaries apply in all spheres of life and act as a verbal shield for our physical, emotional, sexual and relationship needs.
“Physical boundaries relate to your physical space and personal touch,” said Pippa Murphy, a London-based sex and relationship expert for Condoms.UK. “Examples of physical boundaries include not allowing people to invade your personal space, not tolerating unwanted physical touch and being clear about your comfort level with displays of affection.”
‘Boundaries, simply put, are what is and isn’t acceptable when it comes to our treatment.’
Potential emotional boundaries could encompass limiting the information you share with new people or restricting what topics you are comfortable joking about. Time boundaries help maintain a strict separation between work and leisure time.
“Relationship boundaries relate to how you interact with others in your relationships,” she added. “Examples of relationship boundaries include being clear about what you will and will not tolerate in terms of behavior, not allowing others to control or manipulate you, and being clear about your own needs and expectations in the relationship.”
Digital boundaries refer to your use of technology and social media. These could include not responding to work emails outside of work hours, limiting what personal information you share online and how much time you spend on social media.
Identifying your boundaries
Not everyone’s boundaries look identical; therefore, it’s crucial to ask yourself: What are mine?
Don’t apply someone else’s rulebook to your own life out of convenience.
“Take note of when you feel uncomfortable or uneasy in a situation,” Murphy explained. “What were the circumstances? What was it about the situation that made you feel uncomfortable? Next, pay attention to how you react in these situations, as your body and mind are likely to have given you physical or emotional cues that your boundaries were crossed.”
Focus on what’s important to you because understanding your core values will make it easier to set boundaries that align with your life.
“All of this will help you identify your own boundaries, but it’s important to be patient with yourself when setting your first boundary, as it can be an ongoing process of trial and error,” Murphy noted. “You may need to adjust your boundaries as you go along, and that’s OK. It’s part of the process of finding out what your real boundaries are.”
Communicating your boundaries to others
Communicating boundaries is fundamental. If they only live in your head, others won’t know they’ve crossed a line.
“It’s OK to be scared, have nerves or feel awkward,” Elman said. “You are doing something new for the first time. Set the boundary anyway. Your feelings are valid but they should not dictate your behavior. Say something rather than saying nothing.”
No one needs to know a boundary’s origin to respect it, so don’t feel pressured to divulge details. Be honest, succinct and direct when communicating your boundary.
“Use ‘I’ statements to communicate your feelings and needs,” Murphy recommended. “For example, ‘I need some alone time right now’ or ‘I don’t like being hugged.'”
Be specific about where the conversation happens. At work, it may require a formal meeting and an advocate. If it’s sexual, the discussion should take place away from the distraction of the bedroom.
“When you have built up your practice in easier situations, more challenging situations will feel less of a challenge,” Elman said. “Respond to other people’s boundaries how you would like other people to respond to yours.”
Dealing with broken or disrespected boundaries
“The two main feelings will be anger and resentment, and these will tell you that your boundaries have been crossed,” Elman explained. “Once you have noticed that, you can take action and do something about it. The word no is the first and simplest boundary to learn. If you can’t use your no, then your yes has no power either.”
Respond when someone breaks or disrespects a boundary. Silence is often read as acceptance, so re-establish your boundaries firmly and unapologetically.
“By reinforcing it, you are telling the person you are serious about your boundary and when you add a consequence, you need to follow through on that consequence,” she added. “If you do not feel safe to be assertive, then that’s a room you should get yourself out of as soon as possible.”
A consequence may look like restricting contact with a person, such as removing them from your social media account, for example, if they shared imagery without your consent.
Maintaining boundaries in the long-term
Boundaries are never finished. They expand, update and evolve over time, often unpredictably. Don’t get lax; pay attention by prioritizing making regular check-ins, Murphy suggested.
“Ask yourself questions such as, ‘Do I feel comfortable with this boundary?’ ‘Does this boundary align with my values and beliefs?’ and ‘Has anything changed that might affect how I feel about this boundary?'” she said. “Pay attention to your emotions as you reflect on the boundary.”
When checking a boundary, you don’t need to seek change, but you do need to explore whether its limits need an update. As when we’re setting a boundary, if one needs to evolve, your emotions will tell you. Listen to them.
“Think about your needs and priorities in the situation,” Murphy said. “Does the boundary help you feel safe, respected or valued? Or does it hinder your ability to connect with others or achieve your goals? Consider how the boundary fits into your overall needs and priorities. Based on your reflection, emotions and needs, decide if you need to take any action to adjust the boundary.”
Cock rings serve many purposes, including enhancing pleasure, making erections firmer and longer lasting, and enhancing sexual stamina. They can also assist in managing sexual dysfunctions like erectile dysfunction. With many options available, let’s explore how to use them and the different types to discover their possibilities.
A cock ring is a specialized ring worn around the base of the penis to enhance erections, duration, and pleasure during partnered or solo sex.
Common types of cock rings include stretchy rings, lasso rings with adjustable sizing, vibrating rings for clitoral stimulation of a partner, solid rings for more constriction, and combination rings with butt plugs or prostate massagers.
Safety precautions include limiting use to 20 minutes, consulting a doctor for erectile dysfunction, and seeking medical advice for bleeding disorders or the use of blood-thinning medication.
What is a cock ring?
A cock ring, also referred to as a penis ring, is a specialized ring worn around the base of the penis, and sometimes the scrotum, to amplify the wearer’s erection and heighten pleasure during partnered or solo sex.
There are many types of cock rings, but the most basic type is made of stretchable, body-safe materials such as silicone, plastic, or rubber. The ring is circular in shape, forming a complete loop that can be easily stretched to fit around the base of the penis, similar in shape to an elastic band. This shape ensures the pressure is evenly distributed along the outside of the shaft of the penis. The size and width of the ring can vary to fit different size penises and provide different amounts of pressure.
What does a cock ring do?
When a cock ring is placed on the penis, it applies a gentle constriction around the base of the penis, resulting in a restriction of blood flow from the erectile tissues. This effectively slows down the outflow of blood from an erect penis, leading to potential benefits such as firmer and longer-lasting erections. This can benefit people who experience difficulties achieving or maintaining an erection, like those with erectile dysfunction.
In addition to providing firmer and longer-lasting erections, restricting the blood flow in the penis can also enhance sensitivity and pleasure, as the penis often becomes more sensitive to the touch. There are also different types of cock rings that are made to enhance pleasure for the wearer and their partner, such as vibrating cock rings.
Different types of cock rings
A wide array of cock rings exist, offering various types and variations to heighten erections and pleasure. While the following types are among the most common, it is important to note thatthis list is not exhaustive. There are countless options to explore and discover.
Basic stretchy cock rings
The most popular type of cock ring, as mentioned earlier, is the stretchy ring crafted from materials like silicone or rubber. These rings are affordable and widely available at both physical and online sex stores. Often sold in packs of three, each with different sizes, they offer the opportunity to experiment and discover the perfect fit for your needs. These versatile and beginner-friendly cock rings are an excellent choice for individuals just starting to explore their potential.
Lasso cock rings
As the name implies, these type of cock rings feature a lasso design which offers the wearer adjustable sizing and pressure. Unlike traditional cock rings that form a complete loop, a lasso is designed with a flexible cord or strap that can be tightened or loosened to fit the wearer’s preference. The lasso typically has an adjustable mechanism, such as sliding beads or a cinching mechanism, allowing the wearer to modify the tightness easily.
Vibrating cock rings
Vibrating cock rings share a similar shape to basic cock rings but come with a small attached vibrator. While the vibrator can provide pleasurable sensations for the wearer, it is primarily designed to offer clitoral stimulation to a partner during partnered sex. A wide variety of vibrating cock rings are available, providing many options to choose from based on individual preferences.
Solid cock rings
Solid cock rings are often made from stainless steel. As they are often thicker and heavier, they offer more constriction of the penis compared to other types of cock rings. These cock rings are slightly more dangerous as they can become stuck and shouldn’t be used by beginners.
Cock rings combined with butt plugs
For individuals seeking the simultaneous pleasure of the penis and anus, there is a wide selection of cock rings attached to butt plugs, prostate massagers, or other toys designed to pleasure the anus. By combining the benefits of both a cock ring and anal play, these specialized toys provide a unique and enhanced experience, catering to specific desires and preferences for those seeking double the pleasure.
Cock ring precautions
Before using a cock ring, it’s important to familiarize yourself with the safety measures.
Limit duration of use. Because cock rings restrict blood flow, it’s important not to wear one for longer than 20 minutes. If you’re new to using one, you should start by using them for five minutes at a time to get used to the feeling. If it’s causing pain or discomfort, stop using the ring.
Speak to your doctor if you have erectile dysfunction. It is important to note that various conditions, including heart disease and diabetes, can cause erectile dysfunction. Therefore, it is crucial to consult with your doctor before exploring alternative treatments, such as using a cock ring, for managing erectile dysfunction. Your doctor’s guidance will help determine the underlying causes and recommend appropriate solutions tailored to your needs.
Speak to your doctor if you have a bleeding disorder. If you live with a bleeding disorder or are taking blood thinning medication, you should consult your doctor before using a cock ring.
If you’re looking to explore cock rings and expand your pleasure practices, here is a helpful guide to follow.
Read the toy’s directions. Always read the directions before trying out a new ring, particularly if the toy contains a vibrator or any other device attached. This will help to ensure you use it correctly and safely.
Use a lubricant. Before putting on a cock ring, apply a small amount of lubricant to your penis. This helps reduce friction and facilitates easier removal of the ring in case it is too small for your penis.
Find one that fits. For beginners using a cock ring, it is recommended to start with the basic option, ideally one available in a three-pack. This allows you to find a proper fit for your penis. The ring should snugly fit around your erect penis, applying gentle pressure without constricting circulation or causing any discomfort.
Place around the penis. Once you have found a ring that fits your penis, place it over the top of your penis, slowly pushing it down towards the base of your penis until you find a comfortable position.
Explore the benefits. Once the ring is on, you can explore the different sensations either by yourself or with a partner.
Remember to take it off when done. Once you’re finished, don’t forget to take the cock ring off, as having it on for an extended period can cause injury.
Give it a wash. After use, it is important to wash the ring thoroughly with warm water and antibacterial soap to prevent the spread of infection.
Following these steps ensures a pleasurable and enjoyable experience when using your cock ring.
Cock rings are versatile tools that offer a range of benefits for enhancing pleasure, improving erectile function, and exploring new sexual experiences. They come in various shapes and sizes, each providing unique sensations and possibilities for individuals and couples to explore. By incorporating a cock ring into your pleasure practice, you can elevate pleasure and engage in exciting sexual exploration.
— When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye.
Francesco Morandini’s The Three Graces, 1544-1597, Uffizi Gallery.
I am in a long-term and loving relationship with my partner of almost seven years. We live together and share a fun, happy, and fulfilling life together. We tried polyamory last year, and I fell in love with someone new and was in a relationship with that person for about 10 months. I fell really hard and fast and deep. I had only ever been in love with my partner before meeting this new person. I could see a future with them, and we slotted into each other’s lives. I was totally besotted. It felt so romantic and big.
Then they broke up with me. They said they didn’t want our relationship to end but they couldn’t see a way for it to move forward that would work for them. They wanted things that I couldn’t give them. We have been broken up for three months, and I am miserable. I have been as open as I can be with my primary partner, and we are managing. I have started new hobbies, met new people, slept, cried, eaten well, stayed hydrated, listened to sad music, talked about it with friends. I have been sober since breaking up. I have been looking after myself. And I am miserable.
What should I do? Is this a choice between two lovers? Or should I fight for them back (when I’m not sure I can give them what they need)?
In heartbreak,
S
Dear S,
The solution to your problem is simple for me to explain, though not easy for you to bear. You’re so devastated because you’re learning one of the most painful lessons there is to learn: that the presence of love is not the only requirement for a relationship to work. Sometimes, an overwhelming passion for another person and an intensity of feeling and connection to them that seems life altering leads absolutely nowhere. You are ruminating over your hopes and fantasies when you were falling for this person—it all seemed to be pointing toward something exciting and transformative. Your life felt elevated and gleamed with potential. Then it just ended. It sucks. I can tell you from experience that ending a relationship under these circumstances feels like burying something still alive so that it can slowly die, shrivel, and decay in the darkness. The imagery I am using is a touch dramatic but only because withdrawing from love is an experience of extremes and, when you’re in it, can honestly feel like a matter of life and death.
I think the fact that this occurred within the context of polyamory is less important, actually. It can and does happen every day to people who are monogamous. If you have only ever loved your primary partner until now and that love progressed to a relationship of many years, you haven’t had the experience of releasing someone in the midst of infatuation because you’re simply not compatible. I wish someone sat us down as teenagers and told us about how important compatibility is. Then again, who would listen as it all sounds so terribly boring: timing, values, financial aspirations, religion, ethics, desires for children, location. Turns out that cumulatively they all matter far more than chemistry and passion in the long term.
You probably know some of this because of your existing partner. They are familiar to you; the love you have for them is perhaps quieter, more consistent, more reliable—even a little boring. That’s what a lot of long-term relationships are—a decision every day to share the mundanity of life. There can still be joys and surprises, but they’re slower and subtler. They will never be as dramatic and grandiose as the thoughts and feelings we experience in the early stages of infatuation, when we have a blank canvas to paint all of our greatest fantasies onto someone new. It’s unsustainable. If you’re still thinking in epic, cinematic terms after a year or two, it’s probably a sign the relationship is dysfunctional.
This isn’t a choice between two lovers because you say you aren’t dissatisfied with your first partner—you are just desperately looking for a way to hold on to the new love, and so your mind keeps presenting this as an ultimatum: End your current relationship and chase a dream, or feel this pain forever. In reality, leaving your current partner would very much risk adding another heartbreak to this scenario and is no guarantee you would make it work with this new person. Fighting for them may work for a month or two, but breakups happen for a reason.
You’re doing all the right things for getting over heartbreak—make sure too that you do not follow this person on social media or maintain contact with them. It is brutal at first, but it works. One thought I had was about your existing partner and their reaction to all this: I would gently suggest that they cannot be the person who supports you through this grief. Ethical non-monogamy doesn’t mean we lose all feelings of jealousy, pain, or resentment. You need to explain to your partner that you’re trying your best to get over this, but also ask them how they feel and what boundaries they may need. It’s good to talk to friends about the breakup and accept that, while your partner is concerned about you, they have their own limits. Once, when I was heartbroken and unsure I would ever be happy again, my friend said to me: “Time will do the work for you if you just keep moving through it.” Hang on in there; it will pass.
Intimacy is a vital component of any successful relationship, and one key aspect of intimacy is the ability to openly and honestly discuss sex and sexual desires with your partner. In this article, we will delve into the importance of mastering the art of talking about sex, providing you with valuable insights and practical tips to foster a deeper connection with your loved one.
Understanding the Benefits of Open Communication about Sex
When couples engage in open communication about their sexual desires and needs, they unlock a multitude of benefits for their relationship. First and foremost, it strengthens both the emotional and physical intimacy between partners. By discussing your desires, you create an environment of trust and vulnerability that allows for a deeper connection to flourish.
Open communication about sex helps to resolve conflicts and address concerns that may arise. Misunderstandings and unmet expectations can lead to frustration and distance, but by openly discussing your needs, you can identify and address any issues, ensuring a healthier and happier sexual relationship.
Finally, discussing sexual desires promotes sexual satisfaction and exploration. It allows you and your partner to understand each other’s preferences, fantasies, and boundaries, enabling you to explore new experiences together and enhance your shared intimacy.
Creating a Safe and Supportive Environment
To embark on conversations about sex successfully, it is crucial to create a safe and supportive environment for both you and your partner. This begins with establishing trust and non-judgment. Ensure that your partner feels comfortable expressing their desires without fear of criticism or ridicule.
Additionally, setting aside dedicated time for these conversations demonstrates their importance and shows your commitment to understanding and meeting each other’s needs. It could be during a quiet evening at home or on a leisurely walk—choose a setting where you can both relax and focus on the discussion.
Active listening and empathy are also key components of creating a safe space. Truly listen to your partner, without interrupting or imposing your own opinions. Seek to understand their perspective and validate their feelings and desires. This will foster an environment where both of you can be vulnerable and honest.
Breaking the Ice: Initiating the Conversation
Starting the conversation about sex can be daunting, but with the right approach, you can break the ice and create an atmosphere of openness. Choose an appropriate time and place where you can both feel relaxed and uninterrupted. Express your intentions clearly by letting your partner know that you value their satisfaction and want to enhance your sexual connection.
When framing the conversation, focus on the positive aspects. Highlight the benefits of discussing sexual desires and emphasize that it is a natural and essential part of any loving relationship. By approaching the topic with positivity and enthusiasm, you set the tone for a productive and comfortable dialogue.
Effective Communication Techniques
Effective communication techniques play a vital role in discussing sex with your partner. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and desires, as they can help avoid sounding accusatory or critical. For example, say, “I would love to try something new that I’ve been thinking about,” rather than, “You never do anything exciting in bed.”
Active listening is equally important. Show genuine interest in your partner’s perspective and actively listen to their thoughts and feelings. Validate their emotions and let them know that you understand and appreciate their point of view. Additionally, asking open-ended questions encourages deeper conversations and allows for a more comprehensive understanding of each other’s desires.
Non-verbal communication and body language cues can also enhance your conversations about sex. Maintain eye contact, offer reassuring touches, and be mindful of your partner’s reactions. These non-verbal cues help create an atmosphere of comfort and connection.
The Power of Self-Reflection: Understanding and Communicating Your Desires
Self-reflection is a vital component of understanding your own desires, fantasies, and boundaries when it comes to sex. Taking the time to explore your innermost thoughts and feelings empowers you to engage in more meaningful and effective conversations with your partner. Here’s why self-reflection is important and some prompts or exercises to guide you:
1. Understanding Your Own Desires: Self-reflection allows you to delve into your own desires and gain clarity about what truly excites and fulfills you. By understanding your own needs, you can better articulate them to your partner, leading to more satisfying and mutually enjoyable experiences.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What activities or experiences have I found pleasurable or fulfilling in the past?
What are my current sexual fantasies or desires?
What turns me on mentally, emotionally, and physically?
Are there any specific boundaries or limits I have regarding sexual activities?
How do I feel about exploring new experiences or pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone?
2. Examining Your Boundaries: Self-reflection helps you identify your personal boundaries and limitations. Understanding what you are comfortable with and what you are not is essential for maintaining a healthy and consensual sexual relationship. It also enables you to communicate your boundaries clearly to your partner.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What are my hard limits or non-negotiable boundaries when it comes to sexual activities?
Are there any specific activities or scenarios that make me feel uncomfortable or trigger negative emotions?
How do I feel about experimenting with new activities or fantasies?
What are my emotional and physical limits in terms of intimacy and vulnerability?
3. Exploring Fantasies and Desires: Self-reflection allows you to explore your sexual fantasies and desires in a safe and private space. By understanding and acknowledging your own fantasies, you can communicate them to your partner with confidence, fostering a deeper level of intimacy and understanding.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What are my current sexual fantasies or secret desires?
How do these fantasies align with my personal values and boundaries?
Are there any specific scenarios, role-playing, or power dynamics that excite me?
How comfortable am I with sharing my fantasies with my partner?
4. Expressing Yourself Effectively: Self-reflection empowers you to express yourself effectively and confidently when discussing your desires with your partner. It allows you to find the right words and articulate your needs, ensuring that your communication is clear, respectful, and mutually understandable.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
How can I communicate my desires and boundaries assertively and without judgment?
Are there any fears or insecurities that hinder me from expressing my needs openly?
How can I create a safe and non-judgmental space for open conversations with my partner?
Am I actively listening to my partner’s needs and desires, and how can I improve in this area?
Engaging in self-reflection exercises or prompts can be a transformative and empowering journey. Remember, self-discovery is an ongoing process, and your desires may evolve over time. By understanding your own desires, boundaries, and fantasies, you equip yourself with the knowledge and confidence to engage in open, meaningful, and fulfilling conversations with your partner, fostering a deeper connection and greater sexual satisfaction for both of you.
The Power of Active Listening: Techniques and Tips for Effective Communication
Active listening is a crucial skill when discussing sex and desires with your partner. It involves not just hearing their words but fully engaging and understanding their perspective. Here are specific techniques and tips to enhance your active listening skills during these intimate conversations:
Paraphrasing and Summarizing: After your partner expresses their thoughts or desires, paraphrase their statements to ensure you have understood them correctly. Rephrase their words in your own language and repeat it back to them. This demonstrates that you are actively listening and seeking clarity. Additionally, summarizing their main points can help solidify your understanding and encourage further discussion.
Example: “So, if I understand correctly, you’re saying that you’d like to try incorporating more sensory stimulation during our intimate moments, like using scented candles and soft music. Is that right?”
Reflective Listening: Reflective listening goes beyond paraphrasing; it involves acknowledging and validating your partner’s emotions. Pay attention to the underlying feelings behind their words and reflect them back to your partner. This shows empathy and creates a safe space for them to express themselves authentically.
Example: “It sounds like you feel a bit anxious about sharing your fantasies with me. I want you to know that I appreciate your vulnerability and am here to listen without judgment.”
Non-Verbal Cues: Remember that active listening extends beyond words. Your non-verbal cues, such as eye contact, facial expressions, and body language, play a significant role in conveying your attentiveness and interest. Maintain eye contact, nod to show understanding, and use open and welcoming body language to indicate your engagement in the conversation.
Avoid Interruptions and Distractions: Give your partner your undivided attention during these discussions. Avoid interrupting or interjecting with your own thoughts before they have finished speaking. Put away distractions like phones or electronic devices to demonstrate your commitment to active listening.
Ask Clarifying Questions: If there are aspects that you’re uncertain about or need further elaboration on, don’t hesitate to ask clarifying questions. Seek specific details or examples to deepen your understanding and ensure that you are on the same page. This shows your genuine interest and commitment to comprehending their perspective.
Example: “When you mention wanting to explore new experiences, could you give me an example of something specific you have in mind?”
Practice Empathy and Open-Mindedness: Approach these conversations with empathy and an open mind. Set aside any preconceived notions or judgments you may have. Try to understand your partner’s feelings and desires from their unique perspective, even if they differ from your own. Validate their emotions and experiences without dismissing or invalidating them.
Active listening is a continuous process that requires practice and patience. By incorporating these techniques into your discussions about sex and desires, you create an environment of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. Your partner will feel heard and valued, fostering a stronger connection and deeper intimacy between you both.
Navigating Difficult Topics and Overcoming Challenges
While discussing sex can be exciting and fulfilling, it can also bring forth challenges and sensitive topics. It’s essential to approach these conversations with sensitivity and compassion. If either partner has insecurities or fears, provide reassurance and create a safe space for open dialogue.
Differences in sexual preferences may arise, but it is essential to approach them with understanding and respect. Find ways to compromise or explore alternatives that can satisfy both partners. If deeper issues related to past traumas or experiences surface, it may be necessary to seek professional help to navigate these complexities together.
Enhancing Intimacy through Exploration and Experimentation
Once you have established open communication, don’t be afraid to explore and experiment together. Encourage mutual consent and respect each other’s boundaries. Share your fantasies and desires, and be open to discovering new experiences and techniques. Regularly check in with each other to ensure that you are meeting each other’s evolving needs.
Dealing with Rejection or Disagreements
Rejection or disagreements regarding sexual desires can be challenging to navigate, but they don’t have to be detrimental to your relationship. It is crucial to respect your partner’s boundaries and limits. If they express discomfort or say no to a particular desire, honor their decision without pressuring or resenting them.
Managing rejection requires empathy and understanding. Remember that everyone has different preferences and comfort levels. Approach the situation with compassion and maintain emotional connection even when desires differ. By keeping the lines of communication open, you can find compromises or alternatives that maintain the intimate bond between you and your partner.
Navigating Cultural and Gender Dynamics in Discussions about Sex
It is crucial to acknowledge that cultural and gender factors can significantly impact discussions about sex within a relationship. Societal norms, values, and expectations regarding sexuality can vary widely, and individuals may have different comfort levels when it comes to expressing their desires. Navigating these dynamics sensitively and respectfully is key to fostering open conversations about sex. Here are some guidelines to help you navigate cultural and gender influences in your discussions:
Recognize and Respect Diverse Cultural Perspectives: Understand that cultural backgrounds can shape beliefs, attitudes, and expectations around sex. Be sensitive to the influence of cultural norms on your own views and those of your partner. Foster an open-minded approach that values and respects diverse cultural perspectives on sexuality.
Communicate About Expectations: Cultural expectations regarding gender roles, power dynamics, and sexual practices can vary. It is essential to have open conversations about your unique experiences, expectations, and any potential tensions that may arise due to cultural differences. Encourage your partner to share their perspectives and actively listen without judgment.
Embrace a Non-Judgmental Stance: When discussing sex, create a safe and non-judgmental environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their desires, boundaries, and concerns. Be mindful of any cultural or societal biases that may inadvertently influence your reactions or judgments. Approach the conversation with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand your partner’s point of view.
Seek Empathy and Understanding: Cultural and gender dynamics can create power imbalances within a relationship. It is essential to be mindful of these dynamics and strive for equality and mutual respect. Practice empathy by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and seeking to understand their experiences within their cultural context. Validate their feelings and perspectives, even if they differ from your own.
Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to educate yourself about different cultural and gender perspectives on sex. Read books, articles, or engage in respectful discussions to broaden your understanding. This knowledge will enable you to approach conversations with cultural sensitivity, avoiding assumptions or stereotypes.
Emphasize Consent and Agency: Regardless of cultural or gender influences, consent and agency should always be central in discussions about sex. Encourage open conversations about consent, ensuring that both partners have equal decision-making power and respect each other’s boundaries. Prioritize enthusiastic and ongoing consent throughout your sexual relationship.
Seek Support and Resources: If navigating cultural or gender dynamics becomes challenging, seek professional guidance. A sex therapist or relationship counselor can provide specialized support and strategies to navigate these complexities effectively.
Remember, the goal is to foster open conversations that honor and respect the unique experiences, expectations, and cultural backgrounds of both you and your partner. By creating an inclusive and understanding space, you can strengthen your bond and cultivate a healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationship.
The Crucial Role of Consent in Sexual Relationships: Integrating Open Communication
Consent forms the foundation of healthy and respectful sexual relationships. It is essential to recognize and prioritize the importance of consent in all sexual encounters. Open communication plays a pivotal role in obtaining and respecting consent, ensuring that both partners feel safe, respected, and in control. Here’s why consent matters and how you can integrate it into your sexual discussions and encounters:
Understanding Consent: Consent is an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement between all parties involved in a sexual encounter. It is essential that consent is clear, unambiguous, and freely given without coercion, manipulation, or pressure. Consent must be actively communicated and can be withdrawn at any point if one or both partners no longer feel comfortable.
The Importance of Open Communication: Open communication is the key to obtaining and respecting consent. By fostering an environment of trust and respect, you and your partner can openly discuss boundaries, desires, and preferences. Here’s how to integrate consent into your sexual discussions and encounters:
Establish Consent as a Shared Value: Begin by having a conversation with your partner about the importance of consent. Emphasize that it is a fundamental aspect of your sexual relationship and that both of you are committed to practicing consent at all times.
Discuss Boundaries and Preferences: Engage in open and non-judgmental conversations about each other’s boundaries, desires, and comfort levels. Encourage your partner to express what they are comfortable with, what they are not, and any specific limits they may have. Share your own boundaries as well. Remember, consent is an ongoing process, and boundaries may evolve over time, so make it a regular topic of discussion.
Use Clear and Affirmative Language: When initiating sexual activities, use clear and affirmative language to seek consent. Ask for explicit verbal consent for each new activity or progression. For example, phrases like “Is it okay if I…?” or “Would you like me to…?” can be used to ensure that both partners are on the same page and comfortable with the next step.
Prioritize Enthusiastic Consent: Strive for enthusiastic consent, which means that both partners are actively and eagerly participating. Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues that indicate enthusiasm, such as verbal expressions of desire, positive body language, and active engagement. Silence or hesitation should be interpreted as a lack of consent or a request for further communication.
Communicate Throughout the Encounter: Consent is not a one-time event; it should be ongoing throughout the sexual encounter. Continuously check in with your partner, both verbally and non-verbally, to ensure that they are still comfortable and consenting. Encourage open communication during the experience, allowing both partners to voice any concerns, desires, or changes in boundaries.
Respect Withdrawn Consent: It is essential to respect and honor the withdrawal of consent at any point. If your partner expresses discomfort, uses a safeword, or communicates a desire to stop or slow down, immediately cease the activity and provide emotional support. Create a judgment-free environment where your partner feels empowered to communicate their needs and boundaries without fear of repercussions.
Regularly Revisit and Reassess Consent: Consent can evolve over time, and it is crucial to revisit and reassess it regularly. Check in with your partner outside of sexual encounters to discuss any changes in boundaries, desires, or concerns. Regular communication ensures that both partners’ consent is continually upheld and respected.
By integrating open communication and enthusiastic consent into your sexual discussions and encounters, you create an environment of trust, respect, and mutual understanding. This approach fosters a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship where both partners can freely and confidently explore their desires while feeling safe and respected. Remember, consent is an ongoing process that requires active participation from both individuals involved, and it should always be at the forefront of your sexual interactions.
The Powerful Connection Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy
Emotional and sexual intimacy are deeply interconnected aspects of a fulfilling relationship. They mutually influence and enhance one another, creating a profound bond between partners. By engaging in open discussions about sexual desires and needs, couples can foster emotional connection, while emotional vulnerability can enrich sexual satisfaction and build trust. Let’s explore the dynamic relationship between emotional and sexual intimacy:
Fostering Emotional Connection through Discussions about Desires:
When partners engage in open and honest conversations about their sexual desires and needs, it creates a space of vulnerability and trust. Here’s how discussing sexual desires can foster emotional connection:
Heightened Intimacy: Sharing intimate details about one’s desires and fantasies builds a deeper emotional connection. It shows a willingness to be vulnerable and allows partners to see and understand each other’s innermost desires and preferences.
Enhanced Communication: Talking about sexual desires requires effective communication, active listening, and empathy. This process helps develop communication skills that can extend beyond sexual discussions, improving overall communication in the relationship.
Mutual Understanding and Acceptance: Engaging in discussions about desires helps partners understand each other’s unique perspectives and preferences. This understanding fosters acceptance, reducing judgment or misunderstanding and creating a safe space for exploration.
Building Trust: Sharing desires requires trust and vulnerability. When partners openly express their needs without fear of judgment or rejection, it deepens the trust between them. This trust extends to other aspects of the relationship, promoting overall relationship satisfaction.
The Role of Emotional Vulnerability in Sexual Satisfaction:
Emotional vulnerability is essential for establishing a strong foundation of sexual satisfaction and trust. Here’s how emotional vulnerability can enhance sexual experiences:
Increased Intimacy and Connection: When partners feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable, it paves the way for a deeper level of intimacy during sexual encounters. Sharing emotions, fears, and insecurities allows for a stronger emotional bond, leading to enhanced sexual satisfaction.
Heightened Sensitivity and Responsiveness: Emotional vulnerability enables partners to be more attuned to each other’s needs and emotions during sexual experiences. This heightened sensitivity enhances responsiveness, leading to more fulfilling and satisfying encounters.
Overcoming Insecurities and Shame: By embracing emotional vulnerability, individuals can address insecurities and shame related to their bodies, desires, or past experiences. This self-acceptance promotes a healthier body image and enables individuals to fully engage in and enjoy their sexual experiences.
Deepened Trust and Emotional Safety: Opening up emotionally fosters a sense of trust and emotional safety within the relationship. Feeling secure in sharing vulnerable aspects of one’s self allows partners to let go of inhibitions and fully explore their desires together.
Intertwined Emotional and Physical Pleasure: Emotional vulnerability encourages partners to focus not just on physical pleasure but also on emotional connection and mutual satisfaction. This holistic approach leads to a more fulfilling and meaningful sexual experience for both individuals.
By recognizing the powerful connection between emotional and sexual intimacy, couples can cultivate a deeper level of understanding, trust, and satisfaction. Engaging in open discussions about sexual desires and needs while embracing emotional vulnerability enhances the overall quality of the relationship and creates a solid foundation for a fulfilling and passionate connection.
Evolving Sexual Desires and Needs in Long-Term Relationships: Nurturing Open Communication
In long-term relationships, it is natural for sexual desires and needs to evolve and change over time. As individuals grow and develop, so do their preferences and expectations when it comes to intimacy. Nurturing open communication about sex is crucial to adapting and sustaining a fulfilling sexual connection as the relationship progresses. Here’s advice on how to navigate these changes and ensure that both partners feel heard and fulfilled:
1. Embrace Change and Growth: Recognize that sexual desires and needs can evolve over time. Embrace this change as a natural part of the relationship journey. Understand that what satisfied you and your partner in the past may not be the same as what excites you both now. Approach these changes with curiosity and an open mind.
2. Create a Safe and Non-Judgmental Space: Establish a safe and non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their evolving desires and needs. Encourage open dialogue by assuring your partner that their thoughts and feelings will be received with understanding and respect. Avoid shaming or dismissing their desires, even if they differ from your own.
3. Regularly Check-In: Make it a habit to regularly check in with each other about your sexual experiences and satisfaction. Schedule dedicated times to have conversations about your evolving desires and needs. This ensures that both partners have an opportunity to express themselves and be heard.
4. Practice Active Listening: When discussing evolving sexual desires and needs, practice active listening. Be fully present and attentive to your partner’s words, emotions, and non-verbal cues. Seek to understand their perspective without interrupting or dismissing their thoughts. Paraphrase their statements and reflect back what you’ve understood to ensure clarity.
5. Share Vulnerability and Fantasies: Encourage each other to share vulnerabilities and fantasies openly. Creating a space where both partners feel safe to express their deepest desires fosters intimacy and trust. Discussing fantasies can also lead to new and exciting experiences that fulfill both partners’ evolving needs.
6. Explore Together: Approach the evolution of sexual desires and needs as an opportunity for exploration and growth as a couple. Discuss new experiences, techniques, or fantasies that you both may be interested in exploring. This shared journey of discovery strengthens your bond and promotes ongoing sexual satisfaction.
7. Seek Professional Support: If navigating these changes becomes challenging, consider seeking support from a sex therapist or relationship counselor. These professionals can provide guidance and tools to help navigate evolving sexual desires and foster open communication within the relationship.
Remember, open communication about evolving sexual desires and needs is a continuous process. It requires ongoing effort and a willingness to adapt and grow together. By nurturing open dialogue, embracing change, and exploring new experiences, you can sustain a fulfilling and intimate sexual connection throughout the course of your long-term relationship.
Unlocking intimacy through open and honest conversations about sex is a powerful tool for deepening your connection with your loved one. By creating a safe and supportive environment, using effective communication techniques, navigating difficult topics with sensitivity, and embracing exploration, you can master the art of talking about sex. Through these conversations, you will build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship, and embark on a journey of shared pleasure and intimacy that will continue to evolve and grow.
If you want to make your sex dreams a reality, you’ve come to the right place. Everybody deserves to find pleasure—and with the best sex positions for women you can make sure that you (or your partner) receive just that. Since all bodies are different, it may take some trial and error to find your favorites. But these expert-approved moves are a great place to start.
Taking advantage of these types of positions is important because “certain positions are better suited to female pleasure as they enable direct or indirect stimulation of key erogenous zones like the clitoris or G-spot,” explains Aliyah Moore, Ph.D., a certified sex therapist. “Women often prefer positions that provide such stimulation to enhance their pleasure.”
In addition to trying out some new sex positions, there are a number of ways to increase female pleasure in the bedroom. Moore suggests incorporating the hands, fingers, and mouth to discover what feels good as well as trying out sex toys like vibrators and dildos. “When it comes to enhancing pleasure and achieving orgasm during sex, it’s all about experimentation and exploring different forms of stimulation,” Moore says.
So if you’re excited to change things up in the bedroom, grab your partner and try out these sexpert-recommended positions.
1. Missionary with a pillow
Whoever said missionary position was boring clearly never tried out this variation suggested by Moore. Before you begin, simply place a pillow below the woman’s hips to elevate them slightly, Moore instructs.<
This simple modification allows for deeper penetration and increased clitoral stimulation. “The added support and elevation can intensify sensations and increase pleasure,” Moore explains.
2. Cowgirl
Giddy up, partner. The cowgirl position encourages friction against the clitoris, which is often key for the female orgasm. “When riding in this position, you can choose the pace, depth, and angle of penetration, which can help you find what feels best,” explains Joy Berkheimer, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., LGBTQ sexologist.
To perform the cowgirl, one partner will lie flat on their back with their legs out straight, while the other partner will sit on top of them in a straddling position, facing their head, Berkheimer explains. Then, the seated partner can insert their partner’s penis or a sex toy into their vagina.
3. Reverse Cowgirl
This take on the woman-on-top position offers the same pleasure-benefits and control as the regular cowgirl position. Set up the same way, but instead of sitting face-to-face, the partner on top will face toward their partner’s feet.
Berkheimer notes that the reverse cowgirl position offers a ton of versatility and suggests trying out the following variations:
Have the partner on top lean forward on their hands while bouncing their hips up and down. The partner on top can stay upright and lean on their knees, or they can grind their hips back and forth.
Have the partner on top lean back and support their weight with their feet and their hands stretched out behind them. They can move their body up and down or back and forth.
4. The lotus
Truly get to a deeper level with this intimate position. The lotus position “allows for intimate eye contact, deep penetration, and the opportunity for the woman to control the rhythm and depth of thrusting,” Moore explains. “The close physical connection and clitoral stimulation can enhance pleasure.”
To get into this position, begin with both partners facing one another. The penetrating partner will be seated in a cross-legged position while the other straddles her partner’s lap, wrapping her legs around their waist.
5. Doggy style
Moore and Berkheimer both suggest adding the classic doggy-style position to your list. It involves the woman on all fours, while the other partner penetrates from behind. It’s a versatile position, allowing for anal or vaginal penetration, with a penis, strap-on, finger, or other sex toy, Berkheimer explains.
“This position allows for deeper penetration and provides an opportunity to stimulate the G-spot,” Moore adds. “The angle of entry can create intense sensations, and the hands are free to explore the clitoris or other erogenous zones.”
6. Queening
If you’re looking for sex without intercourse, queening is the way to go for some oral pleasure. “This position gives direct stimulation to the clitoris and several other erogenous zones at the same time,” Berkehimer says.
In this position, the partner will lie down flat on their back while the woman places her legs around their shoulders with her vulva on their mouth. The woman on top can hover or take a seat while holding the wall or her partner’s head while receiving oral sex. Plus, this position frees up the seated partner’s hands to explore her thighs, breasts, stomach, or buttocks while performing oral sex.
7. Spooning
You and your partner might spoon while watching TV or relaxing for the night, but if you haven’t experienced the position sexually—you should. “This position offers intimacy and allows for deep penetration while providing a sense of comfort and relaxation,” Moore explains. “The woman can control the pressure and angle of penetration by adjusting the position of her legs.”
The position involves both partners lying on their sides, with the penetrating partner positioned behind. The penetrating partner simply performs thrusting movements and can even reach around to stimulate the clitoris or breasts for added pleasure, Moore says.
8. Butterfly
The butterfly position is similar to missionary but with a few fun twists. It allows for (you guessed it) deep penetration, and is perfect for cervical and clitoral stimulation, according to Moore. “The angle of entry and the pressure against the pubic bone can contribute to intense pleasure,” adds Moore.
To get into the position, the woman lies down on her back, on a bed or table, with her hips at the edge. The penetrating partner will stand at the end of the surface being used facing the woman, entering under their legs from a standing position.
We’re a post-monogamy generation in more ways than one: Our fridges house anywhere from two to 16 varieties of “milk.” We select television programs from 11 competing streaming services. Come dinner time, we opt between hundreds of regional cuisines, all available to us within minutes. We’re spoiled for choice, so to speak, and that ethos extends to our romantic proclivities, as well — which is to say, we’re living in the era of the open relationship.
“Sexuality operates in a part of the brain closer to thirst and hunger. It’s primal. It’s not always logical,” says Dr. Helen E. Fisher, PhD, biological anthropologist, human sexuality expert, and senior research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. “And open relationships allow for transparency and exploration around that urge without sacrificing your pair bond.”
Nevertheless, for a demographic largely brought up around “pair bonding” culture — blame reproductive instincts and social conditioning — non-monogamy is not an easy practice for many of us to adopt. “A great relationship takes more than attraction — it takes shared commitment and work. And all parties have to be willing to put in the effort,” says Sara C. Flowers, DrPH, vice president of education & training at Planned Parenthood Federation of America.
It’s for this reason that, in spite of its more recent popularity, non-monogamy is still in its beta phase. So, in order to help alleviate some of the uncharted anxieties that accompany redefining the nature of your partnership, we’ve built out a primer to add to the ethical non-monogamy oeuvre. Ahead, we’ve consulted sexual health counselors, relationship psychologists, and folks in successful non-monogamous partnerships to help assemble a beginner’s guide to practicing non-monogamy — without sacrificing your romantic well-being in the process. Here’s where to start.
Broach the topic in a safe, comfortable space
Perhaps this goes without saying, but a prix fixe meal out on the town may not be the ideal setting for an initial conversation about the terms of your monogamy. It’s entirely possible that your partner may need space to think, to react, to emote. They may need to cry, to yell, to take a moment away from you in order to gather their thoughts. So be sure to choose a setting that’ll allow them the freedom to indulge that.
“Maybe you write your partner a really long email so they have time to chew it all over on their time before you discuss,” suggests Dr. Fisher. “Maybe you address the matter at home. If you have kids, maybe you make sure they’re off with a babysitter.” You know your partner. You know the ways they process, so make your arrangements accordingly. If this is going to work, it’s going to require a lot of difficult communication, so make sure you’re starting out on the right foot.
“If you’re bringing this up out of the blue, it’s also important to make sure your partner knows that you really care for them and that you’re not abandoning them,” Dr. Fisher adds. “This is not the first step out of the relationship, it’s a way of bolstering a partnership you still want to prioritize.” Simply put, you’re not asking to be single — you’re looking to test out modes of exploration that’ll (theoretically) help you continue to choose your primary partner every day.
Make sure both parties are properly on board
“In the long run, this is not going to work unless both people actually want to do it,” says Dr. Fisher. “So, the first thing you have to do once you’ve started the discussion is figure out whether your partner really wants to give this a shot, or whether they’re just trying to please you, because if they’re compromising for your sake, it’s going to fail.”
As she explains it, human beings are not animals that share well. Sure, we all tend to experience varying levels of jealousy — perhaps innately, perhaps based on previous relationship or family trauma — and given that human beings have been practicing forms of monogamy for reproductive sake for years, it’s inevitable that unlearning that mode of loving is hard. You have to respect that it won’t appeal to everyone, that it may even be offensive to some.
“Consent, in the context of non-monogamy, means being clear with your partner(s) about what you want, and where your boundaries are,” adds Dr. Flowers. “Consent should always be Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific (FRIES). In practice, that means everyone involved must genuinely want to be in an open relationship. They should know exactly what they’re getting into, and they should understand that they can change their mind if things feel uncomfortable.” That said, people are not static. Part of upholding the contract of consent requires checking in with your partner frequently and re-establishing the baseline of your arrangement.
Outline the terms of your agreement
There is no one-size-fits-all approach to non-monogamy — which is to say, you’ll need to define all the terms of your particular agreement together. Are you interested in having romantic relationships with secondary partners or is the arrangement purely sexual? As a couple, do you want to tell your friends about the arrangement? Your children? Are folks in your immediate circle off limits? Are you allowed to bring new partners home? How much will you share with one another regarding your exploits?
“‘Rules’ is a big word, but there are definitely considerations we take for each other,” says Jackson*, 24, who has been in a non-monogamous relationship for nearly four years. “One major consideration is sharing the experiences we have outside of the relationship with each other. If there’s nothing hidden, the waters are less murky. And it can be fun and even erotic to share stories of our outside entanglements with one another.”
Of course, it’s likely that your terms will change as your experience unfolds in actuality, rather than in theory. Dr. Fisher even suggests outlining your agreement on paper, so you’re able to revisit your “contract” at will. “I’ve worked with clients who prefer swinging because you’re always engaging with secondary partners together,” says Dr. Fisher. “And for other people, it’s all about determining whose money you spend on dates, or which nights are off limits for secondary partners, or what spaces, beds, restaurants, cities are primary partner territory, only.”
No two non-monogamy agreements are exactly alike — and that’s why it’s important to give this stage the proper time to breathe. Go back and forth, consult friends about their experiences, read internet forums, watch documentaries, open your brain up to the absolutely limitless quantity of potential approaches to this breed of intimacy. “Folks will rarely tell you about the inordinate amount of time it takes to discuss all this — be prepared, come at it with endurance, leave no stone unturned,” adds Dr. Fisher.
Prioritize your sexual health
Unlike with being single, exploring your sexuality while maintaining a primary partnership means that one person’s actions can affect both parties’ sexual health. You’ll need to agree on your stances on contraceptives, birth control, regular STI tests, and plenty of other issues regarding your collective sexual well-being.
“Communication, empathy, and safer sex practices are important in any romantic relationship,” says Dr. Flowers. “All parties have to be willing to put in the effort. Have open and honest conversations about sex. Take care of your sexual health. Talk to your partner about how you’re going to protect each other against infections and unintended pregnancy. Get tested for STIs regularly.” Ensure that you and your partner have aligned on your policies re: condoms and other forms of birth control. Maintain standing appointments to get tested. Make sure you’re prioritizing one another’s health, even while exploring your sexuality.
Check in with one another regularly
“For us, the rules are always evolving. I think that’s one of the biggest challenges for me in being non-monogamous,” says Rachel*, 31 who has been in an open relationship with her girlfriend for three years. “Knowing that what felt okay last week might not work this week, and having the confidence to advocate for yourself and being able to listen to what your partner needs are all things that have become huge aspects of our relationship.”
Given that the nature of the arrangement is new, it’s likely that you’ll have plenty of cause to revisit your agreement, and the ways it’s affecting you both as a couple and as individuals. After your initial discussion, Dr. Fisher recommends setting a date for regular check-ins, whether it’s a weekly touch base or something far less frequent. That way, you’ll have designated time set aside to litigate without allowing the subject of non-monogamy to leak into all other spaces in your life
Remember, while indulging in forms of secondary partnership, it’s important to make sure you’re still nourishing your primary relationship with all the affection and attention it deserves. Be it a weekly date night, regular vacations, or regular home-cooked meals, factor in time for the two of you as a couple. “Non-monogamy requires so much talking: talking about how you’re feeling, talking about how they’re feeling, talking through past events, talking through hypothetical scenarios,” adds Rachel*. “It can feel like all you do is have hard relationship conversations. It’s important to have those, but make sure you’re also just shooting the shit and getting to enjoy each other.”
Give yourselves an exit strategy
In exploring the thresholds of non-monogamy with your partner, you do indeed run the risk of one or both of you determining that an open relationship simply isn’t working — or at the very least, isn’t serving the sanctity of the primary partnership. And according to Dr. Fisher, if you decide to end the arrangement, you need to decide as a couple. “You need to commit, together, to going back to a pair bond,” she says. “And that means also communicating with any other secondary partners in your life that you’re refocusing on your primary partner, and your outside relationships will need to come to a close.”
If you and your partner are on different pages about closing your relationship, it’s a hard topic to broach, so you’ll need to put some tools in place to make sure you both have the freedom to tap out, whether that’s a timeline on attempting non-monogamy before making a decision together, or a safe word, or a promise to consult an expert to help you facilitate the transition. Utilize resources like your local Planned Parenthood chapter to help navigate obstacles when you feel you’re out of your depth.
Moreover, for couples reinstating monogamy, Dr. Fisher advises steering away from language around “going back.” Partnership is about moving forward. Regression is not an option. Instead, you’ll want to set a precedent for new ways of nourishing your pair bond. “Novelty drives up the dopamine system in the brain, and it can trigger feelings of romantic love or help sustain them,” she explains. “So be honest with your partner about things that make you feel complacent. Talk about ways of injecting your relationship with novelty that don’t include other partners. Continue to build a new partnership with this person you love.”
* Names have been changed to protect the identity of the speaker
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