Tag: sex and relationship advice

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“Pleasure is Holy”

— How These Latinas Broke Free From Purity Culture

By Jessica Hoppe

The story of how I lost my virginity — a tale I long held onto — was a lie. A fiction as false as the construct itself, I fabricated the narrative to please my boyfriend. Before we got together, he expressed that my chastity was one of the most appealing qualities I possessed. His previous girlfriend had not been a virgin, and he resented not having been her first. Sloppy seconds, the boys called it. Although I became sexually active with him, I’d done it once before, a fact that I clearly needed to keep secret if I wanted him to pick me.

This double standard barely registered to me as a teen. Though premarital sex was not allowed, it was normal for men to have sex before marriage. Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.

Over a decade of affiliation, I watched as the church judged and punished dozens of women for acting upon their desires. The men who did the same didn’t face any humiliation or consequences. Sequestered behind closed doors for hours, girls had no choice but to answer to a tribunal of elders — three or four self-appointed, middle-aged white men — who, through an intimately inappropriate line of questioning and based on the rumors they had heard about each girl’s behavior, assessed her level of repentance. From what I saw, the tribunal never believed any of the women or girls were contrite. 

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“Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.”
— jessica hoppe
”

When the elders deemed the victims guilty, everyone would find out. An appointed elder read their names aloud at the following service, publicly declaring their status to the congregation as disfellowshipped, which initiated a period of banishment. No one could speak to or acknowledge her for months — some for years — until the elders decided she was repentant and approved her reinstatement.

Through this indoctrination and the gravity of our family history, I began to think of my sexuality as separate from my body, aligning myself with the dictates of purity culture in order to be chosen. So I could feel safe. I had no idea I’d fallen prey to a favorite instrument of white supremacy.

Evangelists contextualize sex exclusively within a heteronormative framework and uphold the image of a thin, able-bodied, cis, straight, white woman as the epitome of purity, perpetuating colonial and Eurocentric values that systemically oppress women of color. The promise to wait for marriage seems universal, but what is the result when that aspiration is unattainable no matter your actions because it’s at odds with your identity?

As it turns out, it can wreak havoc on your mental health and familial relationships. A study conducted at University of Massachusetts Boston found that while the normalization of oppression — the restriction of sexual agency, the teaching of shame as a response to pleasure, and the perpetuation of rape culture — harms all, women of color were uniquely injured by the alienation of the rhetoric, expressing symptoms that “mimic that of posttraumatic stress disorder.”

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“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family.”
— Adriana Alejandre
”

“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family, ” Adriana Alejandre, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Latinx Therapy tells Refinery29 Somos. “Whereas, the opposite is allowed for men. There is more forgiveness when men do not respect purity culture than for girls or women. When individuals outgrow this controlling perspective, it often creates estrangement among family members.”

Alejandre further explains that the effects from childhood are lifelong and require that we “unlearn harmful messages around sexuality and gender, such as virginity being a woman’s only worth and gift to husband upon marriage, being ashamed of sexual desires, [dressing] modestly, among many others.”

It is in regaining self-trust that healing can begin. Alejandre advises her clients to pay attention to the feeling of control and imposition. When is the message not coming from within you? “We can reject purity culture by embracing liberation, having open and developmentally appropriate conversations about sex to children, refraining from making statements such as, ‘sex is for marriage,’ and teaching all generations about body autonomy and consent,” she explains. “Lastly, I would recommend journaling about messages you received around sex, sexual education, consent, and sexual expression. Some questions to ask can include: How do these topics make me feel when I talk about them out loud to someone else? What are messages I grew up with? What are some beliefs I still carry even though I may not want to? How has my sexual expression changed over time?”

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“It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright.”
— JESSICA HOPPE
”

While I do not turn to scripture often in my recovery from religious and sexual trauma, I do take delight in knowing that the Bible muses erotically through the entire Book of Solomon: A sensual collection of poems depicting lustful, consensual encounters ripe with juicy metaphors for arousal, genitalia, oral sex, and a woman who is not cast to fall on her back and receive; she is the pursuant. It is the story of her sexual awakening, and she never suffers for her passion. The sex is triumphant.

In rereading these ancient texts, I am reminded that it is the church’s calculated interpretations that have perverted sex with shame, a toxic message perpetuated from pulpits all over the world and across generations. It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright. Here, three Latinas from different religious backgrounds discuss how they liberated themselves from purity culture and what they found on the other side.

Joy Valerie Carrera

I grew up evangelical Christian. To me, purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven and could not afford to mess up because of one tiny thing. It fed into this anxiety. As a neurodivergent child, it made me feel like I was constantly messing up and not fitting this mold of “perfect.” It contributed to masking so much of who I truly was.

As a teenager, I remember signing a pact with God that I would remain pure until marriage. I was given a key to symbolize my virginity, the key to my heart that on my wedding night I would give to my husband. When I was 16, I thought I was in love with my high school boyfriend. I was waiting for marriage, and we had been dating for a year. My hormonal teenage brain figured a “loophole” would be that it was fine if we had sex because we would eventually get married. I ended up leaving religion at 18, but the conditioning was there and something I would keep learning to rewire. I had been raised to believe that once you had sex, you were tied and bonded to the person for a lifetime, so I ended up staying in this relationship longer than I should have, even though it was unhealthy. I had this guilt and shame that I could not break my pact with God. 

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“Purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven.”
— Joy Valerie Carrera
”

I was assaulted at 21, and that was a huge turning point for me because I logically knew it was not my fault, but I had that deep ingrained belief that because I had betrayed God and left the church I was being punished. I transitioned into the complete opposite, exploring my sexuality fully and doing everything that I was told I was not supposed to, but still had this underlying guilt and shame.

It has taken me 10 years of therapy, coaching, deep reflection, so much exploration, and embracing self-love to unlearn the deep, old religious conditioning. I now feel more confident in who I am and realize when the shame pops up, those aren’t my beliefs. They are beliefs that are ready to be liberated. This next phase of my journey, I hope to keep letting go of those to enter into conscious, intimate, and healthy relationships free from the pressure that my religious upbringing put on me.

Margot Spindola

As a cis Latina woman who went to Catholic K-12 school in a small rural town, purity culture was communicated to me through a series of insidious signals and messages that brought about immense introspection, shame, and insecurity about my own body — something I still struggle with unlearning to this day.

I learned about purity in Catholic school. While in seventh grade, I took a sexual education course taught by one of the moms of the community who was also a registered nurse. Despite her background, I distinctly remember her standing at the front of the class, waving her hands in the air, and telling us, “Condoms are of the devil.”

When I was 14 or 15 years old, my immigrant mami slipped a “God’s Plan” brochure underneath my bedroom door.I was already on my way to having sex by then, so it’s maddening that other people felt like they had control over my body when I was barely even wrapping my head around my own relationship with it.

In my junior year of high school, I attended what they called a “Morality” class, where philosophical debate and scripture overlapped and we would spend hours listening to my teacher drone on about natural family planning and how having premarital sex would send me straight on the path to purgatory. Because I was already feeling the asphyxiating grasp of organized religion’s hands around my neck, I knew that this talk of being a virgin was likely to be a scam. I didn’t yet realize or understand the invisible script it had coded into my body as I grew older. For a short time, I wore a purity ring. At the time, I didn’t truly resonate with my body and felt numb. Following the scripts my community gave me felt like the only way forward

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The most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.”
— Margot Spindola
”

Fast-forward to today, I’m 27 years old, and I embrace pleasure. But this didn’t happen overnight. It was a gradual process of self-reflection, critical thinking, and having conversations about sex. My body is no longer someone else’s to dictate. Instead, it is the “practice ground for transformation,” as adrianne maree brown so thoughtfully affirms in her book, Pleasure Activism. I’m thankful for the ways I was taught, regardless of the harm caused, because for better or for worse, it became a catalyst for my reckoning with my body. Instead of ignoring my body’s signals for pleasure (sexual or not), I embrace the ups and downs of where it takes me.

It has taken, and will take me, a long time to get to a place of crafting my own pleasure practice. It’s not to say that shame doesn’t sneak up on me, or that sometimes sex with a man can feel pressuring or the need to serve comes up. But the most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.

Cindy Luquin

From my earliest memories, the concept of purity culture was ingrained in me through my family’s religious beliefs, particularly within the context of Pentecostalism. As the first child born in my family, I witnessed how religious congregations often served as a sanctuary for immigrant families from Latin America when they first arrived in the US, providing a sense of belonging and practical support.

The strong influence of Pentecostalism, combined with my Guatemalan heritage, created a subtle denial of our Maya Indigenous roots within our religious practice. I vividly recall an incident when I was just 4 years old, dressing up in traditional Indigenous clothing for a church event, which stirred conflicting emotions of pride and unease.

These early encounters with purity culture and the erasure of our Maya heritage left a lasting impression, highlighting the complex interplay between religious teachings, cultural identity, and the need for acceptance within the community. As I grew older, the effects of purity culture manifested in a profound internal struggle. I felt wrong for questioning the belief system and witnessed a disturbing double standard regarding gender roles and abusive behaviors.

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“Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment.”
— Cindy Luquin
”

The impact of purity culture led me to suppress my true identity and creative expression as a queer bisexual person. It burdened me with shame and guilt, leading to physical manifestations and a strategy of “faking” illness to avoid attending church. Only later did I realize that these feelings were genuine, rooted in the anxiety I felt about the constraints imposed on me.

In my early 20s, the pivotal experience of moving away to college granted me the freedom to explore my true identity and embark on a journey of self-discovery. Today, I proudly identify as a spiritual queer person, reconnecting with my Maya heritage and embracing the wisdom of Maya cosmology, which values earth, medicine, and nature.

Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment. This process has instilled in me a sense of responsibility to support and guide others as a queer elder and educator, free from judgment.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Ethical non-monogamy

— What to know about these often misunderstood relationships

By

Imagine Sarah and John have been in a monogamous relationship for five years. Although they love each other, Sarah, who is bisexual, has recently started feeling an attraction to her coworker, Andrea. This has led to several sexual encounters, leaving Sarah feeling guilty. However, she has not talked to John about her feelings or experiences with Andrea.

No matter how much you love your partner, it’s common to feel attracted to someone outside of a relationship. Some couples may even want sexual encounters with other people. It can be difficult to navigate these feelings, especially when they conflict with the commitment and promises made in the relationship. While the sex between Sarah and Andrea was consensual, Sarah engaged in non-consensual sex by stepping outside of her monogamous relationship without John’s consent.

There is growing curiosity about ethical or consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly among young people. YouGov data found that 43% of millennial Americans say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, even if few are in such a relationship. And a survey commissioned by sex toy brand Lelo, found that 28% of aged 18 to 24 would consider an open relationship.

What makes non-monogamy “ethical” is an emphasis on agreed, ongoing consent and mutual respect. All parties involved are fully aware of the situation and voluntarily agree to participate. Partners are free to change their minds at any time and (re)negotiate boundaries that work for everyone involved. Ethical non-monogamy can take many forms, including polyamory, open relationships and swinging.

These relationships are often stigmatised and misunderstood. They challenge the traditional notion of monogamy, which is commonly viewed in most western and religious societies as the only acceptable way of engaging in romantic relationships.

Yet research has shown that consensual non-monogamy can have positive effects on relationships and the people in them. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships have reported higher levels of sexual and relationship satisfaction and greater relational intimacy than people in monogamous relationships.

Misconceptions and stigma

One stigmatising view is that people in non-monogamous relationships pose a greater risk to their partners’ sexual health. This is based on the assumption that having multiple sexual partners increases the likelihood of sexually transmitted infections (STIs).

However, research shows that people in open and non-monogamous relationships have safer sex practices than monogamous, but unfaithful partners. Ethical non-monogamy can be a safer outlet for sexual expression compared with monogamous relationships that have led to cheating where someone ends up passing an STI to their partner.

In healthy relationships, partners recognise that each person has their own unique sexual preferences and diverse needs. For consensually non-monogamous partners, this means understanding that their primary relationship may not always fulfil all their sexual desires.

Although jealousy can still exist within non-monogamous relationships, research has found that it can be more manageable than in monogamous ones. This is because, in secure non-monogamous partnerships, there are open discussions about sexual attraction and setting boundaries, where partners can address jealousy anxiety.

Exploring non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is not for everyone. You should only explore this type of relationship if it feels comfortable, you seek appropriate consent and the existing relationship is solid. Outsiders often hold the stereotypical view that people only engage in ENM if their current relationship is unstable.

If you decide that it’s right for you, keep the following in mind.

1. Communicate openly

Communication is important in any relationship, but especially critical in ENM relationships. Partners must be transparent and honest about their intentions, feelings, expectations and boundaries. People in non-monogamous relationships need to be aware of their emotional boundaries and be prepared to navigate feelings of jealousy.

2. Practice safe sex

Sexual health is key regardless of your relationship status or style. Get tested regularly for STIs and to use protection during sexual encounters to minimise the risk of transmission.

3. Stop shame

Managing stigma is one of the most difficult parts of an ENM relationship. When people are socialised to believe that having multiple partners is wrong or immoral, this can lead to feelings of shame and self-doubt. It is important to recognise that consensually non-monogamous and multipartnered relationships are a valid lifestyle choice. You can seek support from like-minded people or talk to a sex and relationship therapist if necessary.

While non-monogamy is not everyone’s cup of tea, these tips can be helpful for any relationship. Ultimately, it is essential to keep communication, consent and respect at the heart of your partnership.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Who is a good boy?

— Get to know gay pups: A unique subculture within the leather community

Gay pups blend the camaraderie found within queer tribes with the captivating allure of BDSM, making pup play an all-encompassing experience that combines both fetishism and a unique sense of brotherhood.

By

When you let your hands become paws, your bark has no limits. So let’s explore everything you need to know about this kinky subculture.

What is a gay pup?

A group of gay pups at a Pride festival.

Gay pups adopt a playful canine archetype, but every participant’s experience can look different. The absence of strict rules or prerequisites empowers individuals to pursue fulfillment in their own unique way, united by the common thread of role-playing as young dogs.

In the realm of the gay animal kingdom, physicality often plays a defining role, but in the world of pups, inclusivity reigns supreme. Regardless of age or body type, anyone is welcome to don a mask, tail, and leather mittens and fully immerse themselves on all fours.

A man with blue eyes wearing a blue pup mask.

While tribes like bears, otters, and twinks are distinguished by their bodies, they can all become pups! In fact, it’s not even limited to sexuality, though gay men tend to be the most visible demographic.

It’s common to channel your four-legged alter ego and embrace a pup identity; think names such as Shadow, Danger, or Creamy – ranging from innocent to cheeky. Many of these names sound like the kind of friends a grown-up Lassie might have met at the club.

What came first, the pups or their handlers?

a shirtless man with a pup mask being led by a man with leather polo holding him with a leash.

Everyone starts as a “feral pup,” which embodies the singledom of a stray. Naturally, a dog needs their owner, so most pups find a handler (or several) throughout their journey.

Discovering a handler can take the form of a sexual, romantic, or platonic relationship. Pups who have established such a connection proudly wear a collar, symbolizing their bond.

A contract for master and slave.

A handler, most commonly called “sir,” assumes a role akin to the BDSM practice of masters and slaves. However, being a gay pup is far from degrading; on the contrary, it’s about embracing the role eagerly and striving to be a “good boy.”

Whether you’re playing fetch with your sir, receiving belly rubs, or reverently licking their boot, the experience is entirely up to your negotiation. Just like other relationships within the leather and kink community, the emphasis is on finding a handler who aligns with your desires for fun and pleasure.

The origins of gay pup culture

Leathermen at a fetish march holding a sign.

While the gay pup subculture has evolved into a distinctive sphere of its own, its origins can be traced back to leathermen and BDSM, with a lineage that extends far behind closed doors and beyond the reach of textbooks.

Folks in these communities didn’t need dog gear to enjoy getting on all fours, following commands, or collars. Besides, gay men have never been shy to woof! But gay pups are mostly known as a postmodern movement, gradually growing by the numbers as the acceptance of kink goes mainstream.

Come Pride season, don’t be surprised to see a human-sized kennel filled with gay pups nuzzling, chewing on toys, and barking for attention.

The art (and freedom) of pup play

a man with a purple shirt and purple pup mask staring at a man with a yellow pup mask.

Aside from handlers, gay pups eventually find or create their pack for endless pup play. Dogs are social creatures, and human dogs are no different! You can find them online or in person at local leather and kinky spaces. Not to mention annual happenings, including captivating contests mimicking Best in Show.

Some packs live together, and others sync calendars. You’ll find bankers, artists, and teachers could be a part of the same group, while others opt for people with similar professions. The magic of gay pup culture is the spontaneity and liberation of how it can manifest for each person – it sounds like gay rights to us.

Choosing a pack is not unlike your social circle, and your interactions will mirror your compatibility and desires. Beyond sex, it’s about getting in the “pup headspace,” which kinda is like getting into character and, for many, serenity. There are typically three types of roles in a pack, as follows:

  • Alpha: The gay pup that is dominant and acts as the leader.
  • Beta: These would be versatile pups who enjoy servicing as much as being dominant.
  • Omega: Submissive by trade, these pups aim to be the most ‘good boy’ of them all.

a shirtless man wearing a harness and white pup mask staring at the mirror.

Unlike traditional hierarchies, upward movement is not the goal. Your role will echo your personality. Packs sometimes give their members more specialized roles, such as a muscle queen providing security from outsiders at bars.

Of course, you can remain feral and play and experiment with other packs and their sirs without commitment. But many like the security, depth, and reliability of finding like-minded individuals and evolving together, including opportunities for real-life friendships and mentorship.

Ready to get on all fours?

a dog in front of the Pride Rainbow flag.

If you feel the inkling to become a gay pup, then congratulations – you’ve already passed the test! Welcome to the playful – and naughty – community.

While dog gear and finding a sir/pack can enhance the experience and transform it into a lifestyle, embracing the identity is the first step towards discovering your pup persona.

And the best part? Human dogs can have bio dogs, making it all the more fun.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Anal Douching

— How to Prepare and Do It Safely

If you’ve ever considered exploring anal play, it’s natural to have concerns about the potential mess involved. While this mess is nothing to be ashamed of, many people seek a cleaner experience and turn to anal douching. Let’s explore precisely what anal douching is and how to do it safely so that you can focus on pleasure rather than the mess.

By Rhiannon John, MSexol

  • Anal douching involves flushing the rectum with a liquid solution using tools like shower enemas, bulb enemas, fleet enemas, or enema bags.
  • People douche to reduce fecal matter in the rectum for a cleaner experience during anal sex, regardless of sexual orientation.
  • Some research suggests that anal douching may damage the protective cells in the rectum, potentially increasing the risk of STI and HIV transmission.
  • Alternatives to douching include maintaining a high-fiber diet, using wipes for cleanup, using a sex blanket or dark-colored sheets for sheet protection, and prioritizing personal comfort and enjoyment during anal play.

Anal douching explained

Anal douching refers to the practice of cleaning or flushing out the rectum by introducing a liquid solution into the anus. It involves using a specialized device or tool, such as a shower enema, bulb enema, fleet enema, or enema bag, to flush water or a mild saline solution into the rectal area.

The process typically involves filling the device with the desired cleansing solution, gently inserting the nozzle into the anus, and releasing the liquid into the rectum. After a brief period, the expelled liquid and any residual waste are eliminated by emptying the bowels.

Why do people douche?

Many individuals choose to douche to minimize fecal matter in their rectum, providing a cleaner experience during receptive anal sex and reducing concerns about the potential mess. Although it is frequently practiced within the gay community, anal douching can be utilized by anyone interested in engaging in anal play.

Is it anal douching safe?

Some research has found that using anal douches can lead to damage to the outer layer of cells that line the inner surface of the rectum. These cells serve as a protective barrier and are crucial for the overall health and proper functioning of rectal tissues. When this protective barrier is compromised or damaged, it can potentially increase the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and HIV.

If you do want to use a douche, it is crucial to prioritize safety by using the appropriate equipment. It is recommended to purchase douches from reliable sources like a pharmacy or a sex store and carefully follow the instructions on the packaging.

Making your own douche at home is not advisable, as it could cause injury. Furthermore, always ensure that your hands or gloves are freshly cleaned before using a douche, and allow sufficient time between douches. It is important to note that if you have anal fissures or hemorrhoids, douches are not recommended. It is always best to consult a medical professional if you have doubts or concerns about using a douche.

Products needed to douche

To anal douche yourself at home, you will need to select a type of douche, as well as either water or a saline solution, to enter into the rectum. Both saline solution and water can be used for anal douching, and the choice between the two ultimately depends on personal preference and individual needs. However, there are a few different types of douches available.

  • Shower enema. A shower enema is a douching method that utilizes a special attachment that can be connected to a shower head. This attachment allows the water to flow directly into the rectum. It typically provides a continuous and controlled stream of water, making it convenient for those who prefer a thorough cleaning. Shower enemas are often adjustable, allowing the user to regulate the water pressure and temperature.
  • Bulb enema. A bulb enema, also known as a bulb syringe or anal bulb, consists of a rubber or silicone bulb attached to a nozzle. This type of douche is manually operated by squeezing the bulb to expel the liquid into the rectum. Bulb enemas are generally small and compact, making them easy to use and convenient for travel.
  • Fleet enema. Fleet enema is a commercially available pre-packaged douche product that comes in a disposable bottle. It contains a saline solution or a combination of water and laxative agents. Fleet enemas are commonly used for bowel cleansing and constipation relief but can also be used for anal douching. They typically feature a lubricated nozzle attached to the bottle, allowing easy insertion and controlled liquid delivery.
  • Enema bag. An enema bag is a larger-capacity douching device that consists of a bag or reservoir made of rubber or silicone and long tubing with a nozzle. The bag is filled with the desired cleansing solution, and a clamp on the tubing controls the flow of liquid. Enema bags provide the flexibility to adjust the flow rate and volume of the liquid according to personal preference.

How to douche

If you’re looking to safely douche, follow the steps outlined below.

Prepare yourself

Firstly make sure that your hands are clean and that you have read the instructions of your douche kit. Fill the reservoir with lukewarm water or a saline solution. Don’t use harsh chemicals or soaps in the solution, as they irritate the rectal lining. It’s best to use a solution specifically formulated for anal douching, which can be purchased from a pharmacy or sex store. Next, apply a water-based lubricant to the tip of the nozzle to make insertion more comfortable.

Position yourself

Find a comfortable position that allows easy access to the rectal area. Many people find it helpful to douche in the shower to help with the mess, using a squatting motion to help with insertion.

Insert the nozzle and squeeze in the solution

Gently and slowly insert the nozzle into the rectum. Take your time and listen to your body’s signals to avoid any discomfort. Depending on the type of douche kit you’re using, squeeze the bulb or follow the specific instructions provided with the kit to release the cleansing solution into the rectum. Avoid using excessive pressure to prevent any potential damage to the rectal lining.

Remove the nozzle and the solution

Once the solution is inside, remove the nozzle and allow yourself some time to hold the liquid inside. Then, gently evacuate the contents into the toilet or shower. You may need to repeat this process several times until the expelled fluid is clear.

Clean and store the equipment

After you’re done, if your douche isn’t disposable, thoroughly clean the nozzle and reservoir with warm water and mild soap. Ensure the douche is completely dry before storing it in a clean and hygienic place.

How often can you douche?

While there is no specific scientific consensus on how frequently you should douche, it is generally recommended by healthcare professionals to limit douching to 2–3 times per week.

Is douching different for women and men?

Since men and women have the same rectal anatomy, anal douching is generally the same for all individuals with functioning rectums. However, the methods and tools used for anal douching can vary depending on personal preference and individual needs.

It’s worth mentioning that when people commonly refer to “douching” in the context of people with vaginas, they usually refer to vaginal douching, which is a different practice altogether unrelated to anal douching.

Do I need to douche?

The decision to douche is a personal decision. While anal douching is one way to reduce the presence of fecal matter in the rectum, alternative methods are available. These include maintaining a high-fiber diet, which can involve incorporating sources of fiber such as psyllium husk and avoiding foods that may cause stomach discomfort.

If you aren’t into douching, there are other ways that you can help to manage the mess so that you can focus on pleasure instead.

  • Have wipes on hand. Having wipes readily available during anal play can assist with cleanup.
  • Use a sex blanket. Using a sex blanket can provide added protection and convenience. Placing a blanket beneath you or in the immediate vicinity can help catch any fluids or messes during anal play. This can help minimize the impact on your bedding and make cleanup more manageable.
  • Use dark sheets. Some individuals find it helpful to use dark-colored sheets and a sex towel during anal play. By using dark-colored sheets, any potential stains or marks from lubricants or other fluids are less likely to be noticeable or cause concern.

Ultimately, whether or not to douche is a personal preference based on your comfort level and preferences. The main idea is to create an environment where you can fully enjoy the experience without unnecessary concerns about cleanliness.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How growing up in purity culture impacts sex

— The effects of shame-based narratives can have a big impact on our ability to experience pleasure fully.

By Gigi Engle

Purity culture messaging is everywhere. Even if you didn’t grow up particularly religious or even if you had fully atheist caregivers, it’s likely you’ve been exposed to messages from purity culture in some form.

Just look at the sex ed we have in the western world: It’s often focused on abstinence and the dangers of sex. This is rooted in purity culture. Look at sexual spirituality (a movement that masquerades as enlightenment and spiritual awakening all over social media) claiming that you need to sage your genitals in order to “cleanse” yourself of past lovers. Purity. Culture.

Purity culture has seen a massive uptick on social media, especially on TikTok with the emergence of “puriteen” views, finding a niche where it can spread the messages of needing to stay “virginal” and “pure” in order to be considered a good or worthy person in the pretty dressing of fun little videos. It’s sinister, really.

While I myself did not grow up in the church, as a sexuality professional — a sex-positive certified sex educator who specializes, amongst other things, in undoing the damaging messages of purity culture, while advocating for sexual freedom and autonomy – I have worked with countless folx who have. Much of the work my colleagues and I do is around detangling sexuality from the messages of purity culture. It can feel like walking backwards on a treadmill sometimes. This messaging is incredibly harmful and impacts people in myriad ways.

Purity culture messaging is insidious from every angle – but one of the most salient is the impact on sexuality. This “type of subculture isolates us into a box (or perhaps a cage) to the point where it is difficult to express ourselves sexually and it prevents us from having autonomy in seeking sexual relationships,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.

Basically, it messes with our understanding and connection to our sexuality. And it’s dangerous and damaging.

Whether you’ve freshly thrown off the shackles of purity culture, are attempting to do so presently – or escaped a long time ago, let’s break down how purity culture impacts sexuality – and how you can start to unlearn these messages in order to embrace pleasure and sexual freedom to the fullest extent.

Purity culture is centered on sexuality. While it targets everyone, it specifically centers around female sexuality – and female chastity, Philips says. It emphasizes staying “pure,” which means not having sex (usually intercourse) before marriage.

While this is sort of the cut-and-dry definition, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate, points out that modern Evangelical views of “purity” go far beyond this simplest framework. Within contemporary, fundamental Christianity, not only are women and girls responsible for not engaging in sex of any kind (or even having sexual thoughts), they become the gatekeepers for male sexuality. “Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.” Women and girls are seen as the “moral foundation” of society and are pressured to behave modestly so they don’t make the men around them horny. Awesome.

“Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.”

It is a culture of sexual suppression. It means “suppressing or trying to pray away any sexual thoughts and fantasies, desires, not masturbating, not looking at certain media, and generally demonizing all forms of sexual expression outside of traditional heterosexual marriage,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, who specializes in purity culture and sexuality.

What purity culture messages look like

Now, what do these messages look like, really? Here are a few deeply disturbing examples.

  • Mintz points to likening women to a chewed-up piece of gum than no one would want if they have sexual experiences before marriage.
  • Telling women and girls they are responsible for the behavior of men and boys – that they must have tempted them if they are sexually assaulted or harassed. “Men must be both leaders and ultra masculine, but also cannot control their sexual desires,” Rowett says.
  • Being a good woman means always being submissive to men.
  • Your spiritual value, your “purity”, and your whole value as a person “comes from not just not having sex before marriage, but suppressing your entire sexuality,” Rowett says.
  • Your ability to truly love a partner will be damaged if you have sex – and no one will want you anyway because you’re “damaged goods.
  • If you watch porn, you are addicted to porn. And porn will 100 percent ruin your life. AND you’re going to hell.

These messages are baseless, incorrect, damaging – and downright dangerous. They are anti-science – entirely socially constructed by a puritanical society that wants to demonize sexuality in any form that doesn’t fall within heterosexual marriage.

How the messages of purity culture can filter into our sexuality

Even if we choose to reject the messages of purity culture later in life, they can still negatively impact us without even being aware of it. Shame-based messages are sticky little fuckers. They get their claws into our psyche and refuse to let go. They’re like emotional bedbugs: They burrow in and end up disrupting your peace. Philips points out that these early messages of shame can be quite traumatic – and this trauma impacts the mind-body messaging system.

Central to our ability to experience pleasure during sex is the connection between our brains and bodies. In order to experience pleasure and orgasm to the fullest extent, we need to feel calm and safe. This relaxed state facilitates the messages between the brain and body which, in turn, allows us to experience desire and physical arousal.

Because of the negative messages of purity culture and sexual shame, we can go into a state of Fight, Flight, or Freeze during sexual activity. This breaks the mind-body messaging system. This is a trauma response. As Mintz explains, “If one has been indoctrinated with the message that sex is sinful, that they are sinful, and the like, it is going to result in being immersed in shameful, negative self-talk during sex, rather than experiencing and immersing in one’s body sensations.”

Philips points to the following examples of how the trauma of purity culture messaging can lead to sexual difficulties:

  • Experiencing a sexual problem and believing it is your fault.
  • Feeling very little or nothing during sex.
  • Not speaking up or avoiding discussing sex at all.
  • Unexplained pain, tension, softness, or ejaculation problems for AMAB (assigned male at birth) people.
  • Wanting to rush through sexual experiences.
  • Finding it difficult to engage in sex without relying on substances.
  • Feeling like you are too much or not enough.
  • Feeling afraid to take risks.
  • Losing connection to playfulness.
  • Difficulties with orgasm.
  • Feeling unworthy of pleasure.
  • Being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling sexual behavior and/or experiences.

5 tips for purity culture dropouts to increase their sexual pleasure

Give yourself the time you need to really heal

Congratulations! You’ve escaped from purity culture and you should be proud. With that being said, the healing process will likely take a long time. “Remember to give yourself a lot of time and space to heal, and know that you don’t need to figure it all out now,” Rowett says. You’ve been inundated with these sex-shaming messages for your whole upbringing. It is going to take time to untangle them and move forward. You’re brave and you’ve got this.

Feel your damn feelings

When it comes to unlearning harmful messaging, emotions can bubble up and spill out. As tempting as it may be to tamp these down, try to sit with them. Revel in the discomfort of it. “You might feel sad and want to mourn the lost years of your sex life,” Philips explains. “You might feel angry, or personally victimized. You may feel hurt. Whatever is there to feel, feel it fully.”

Resource yourself and find community

Start reading books and digesting media from people who have been on this same journey. Mintz suggests reading the book Pure and watching the documentary Deconstructing My Religion to start. Media can help you feel less alone. Next, find your people. There are so many purity culture dropout forums online where you can find people who have the same lived experience that you do.

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible.”

Seek professional help

“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible,” Mitz says. Hire a professional sex therapist or coach who specifically works with folx who come from purity culture. Rowett even has amazing classes that are centered on embracing your pleasure and leaving shame in the past. Learn more here.

Practice conscious masturbation

Conscious masturbation is when you go really slowly with self-touch, breathing deeply and connecting with the sensations in your body. “As you practice conscious masturbation, you will progressively begin to feel safer in your body. This might not happen overnight (especially if the roots of trauma or sexual shame run deep), but it will happen with patience, love, and persistence,” Philips says. It’s simply about being with your body and allowing it to experience pleasure. It is a brilliant way to come into yourself and embrace that your body’s a vessel for pleasure. And that you deserve pleasure!

It might feel like a long road ahead of you, but you can and WILL recover from the trauma of growing up in purity culture. You’re already on your way. And you’re going to crush it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A ‘failure to launch’

— Why young people are having less sex

By Hannah Fry

Vivian Rhodes figured she would eventually have sex.

She was raised in a Christian household in Washington state and thought sex before marriage would be the ultimate rebellion. But then college came and went — and no sex. Even flirting “felt unnatural,” she said.

In her early 20s, she watched someone she followed on Tumblr come out as asexual and realized that’s how she felt: She had yet to develop romantic feelings for anyone, and the physical act of sex just didn’t sound appealing.

“Some people assume this is about shaming other people, and it’s not,” said Rhodes, 28, who works as a certified nursing assistant in Los Angeles. “I’m glad people have fun with it and it works for them. But I think sex is kind of gross. It seems very messy, and it’s vulnerable in a way that I think would be very uncomfortable.”

For what researchers say is an array of reasons — including technology, heavy academic schedules and an overall slower-motion process of growing up — millennials and now Gen Zers are having less sex, with fewer partners, than their parents’ and grandparents’ generations did. The social isolation and transmission scares of the COVID-19 pandemic have no doubt played a role in the shift. But researchers say that’s not the whole story: The “no rush for sex” trend predates the pandemic, according to a solid body of research.

UCLA has been tracking behavioral trends for years through its annual California Health Interview Survey, the largest state health survey in the nation. It includes questions about sexual activity. In 2021, the survey found, the number of young Californians ages 18 to 30 who reported having no sexual partners in the prior year reached a decade high of 38%. In 2011, 22% of young people reported having no sexual partners during the prior year, and the percentage climbed fairly steadily as the decade progressed.

California adults ages 35 to 50 who participated in UCLA’s 2021 survey also registered an increase in abstinence from 2011 to 2021. But with the percentage of “no sex” respondents rising from 9% to 14% during that time frame, the increase was not as pronounced.

The broader trend of young adults forgoing sex holds true nationally.

The University of Chicago’s General Social Survey — which has been following shifts in Americans’ behavioral trends for decades — found that 3 in 10 Generation Z males, ages 18 to 25, surveyed in 2021 reported having gone without sex the prior year. One in four Gen Z women also reported having had no sex the prior year, according to Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book “Generations.”

In an age where hook-ups might seem as unlimited as a right swipe on a dating app, it’s easy to assume that Gen Z “should be having the time of their lives sexually,” Twenge said.

But that’s not how it’s playing out. Twenge said the decline has been underway for roughly two decades.

She attributed the slowdown in sexual relations most significantly to what she calls the “slow-life factor.” Young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. They’re delaying big milestones such as getting their driver’s licenses and going to college. And they’re living at home with their parents a lot longer.

“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”

A slight majority of 18- to 30-year-olds — about 52% — reported having one sexual partner in 2021, a decrease from 2020, according to the UCLA survey. The proportion of young adults who reported having two or more sexual partners also declined, from 23% in 2011 to 10% in 2021.

Though sex was on the decline in the years leading into the pandemic, COVID-19 made dating trickier.

Many people tightened their social circles when the pandemic surged in 2020 and 2021. And young people’s reliance on cellphones and apps for their social interactions only intensified when in-person meet-ups posed a risk of serious illness.

In general, people coming of age in an era of dating apps say the notion of starting a relationship with someone they meet in person — say a chance encounter at a bar or dance club — seems like a piece of nostalgia. Even friendships are increasingly forged over texting and video chats.

“A lot of young people when you talk to them will say their best friends are people they’ve never met,” said Jessica Borelli, a professor of psychological science at UC Irvine. “Sometimes they live across the country or in other countries, and yet they have these very intimate relationships with them. … The in-person interface is not nearly as essential for the development of intimacy as it might be for older people.”

Ivanna Zuniga, 22, who recently graduated from UC Irvine with a degree in psychological sciences, said her peers have largely delayed sex and romance to focus on education and career. Zuniga, who is bisexual, has been with her partner for about four years. But their sex life is sporadic, she said, adding that they hadn’t been intimate in the month leading up to her graduation.

“I’ve been really preoccupied with my studies, and I’m always stressed because of all the things I have going on,” she said. “My libido is always shot, and I don’t really ever think about sex.”

The sexless phenomenon has made its way into pop culture. Gone are the days when meet-cutes in bars leading to one-night stands and sex at college parties were the cornerstone of coupling in films.

In “No Hard Feelings,” released this year, a 32-year-old woman is hired by “helicopter parents” to deflower their shy 19-year-old son. At a party, the woman frantically searching for her date busts open bedroom doors where she expects to find people feverishly tangled in sheets. Instead, she finds teens sitting side by side on a bed, fully clothed, scrolling their phones or playing virtual reality games. Bemused, she yells, “Doesn’t anyone f— anymore?”

While there are practical benefits to waiting to be in a physical relationship, including less risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, Twenge argued that there are also downsides to young people eschewing sex and, more broadly, intimacy. Unhappiness and depression are at all-time highs among young adults, trend lines Twenge ties to the rise of smartphones and social media. And she noted with concern the steady decline in the birth rate.

“It creates the question of whether Social Security can survive,” Twenge said. “Will there be enough young workers to support older people in the system? Will there be enough young workers to take care of older people in nursing homes and in assisted-care facilities?”

Zuniga, who plans to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology, can’t imagine pausing her education or career to have children, so safe sex is particularly important, she said. Others interviewed said “horror stories” involving friends who contracted herpes or other sexually transmitted infections had turned them off from casual sex.

“I prioritize my studies too much, and I can’t fathom the thought of having my identity as an academic fall secondary to being a mother,” Zuniga said. “Moving out of the income bracket that you’re born into is so hard to do, and a very secure way to do it is through education.”

For Rhodes, not having sex has taken a lot of the pressure off social interactions.

“It lets me relax,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about how I look or how I come off to other people. But I have a little extra help caring less about it, because I don’t have to worry about attracting specific kinds of people for specific things.”

And she pushes back against the notion that shying away from sex is some sort of societal problem that needs to be “fixed.” It might even be a sign that young people have more control of their bodies and desires, she said.

“Maybe you don’t have to have sex all the time,” Rhodes said. “Maybe if you’re doing other things in your life, and you’ve got other priorities, or you just don’t feel like it, that can be a good enough answer.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Experiment with Temperature Play in Your Sex Life

By Bianne Hogan

Are you ready to kick things up a notch in the bedroom? Then you might consider experimenting with temperature play. Think of how an ice cube offers an instant visceral feeling to your skin or the touch of a warm cup of tea. Now imagine that type of sensation being used to arouse your entire body. That’s pretty much the essence of temperature play.

“Temperature play can add another sensory dimension to a sexual experience,” Avril Louise Clarke, in-house sexologist and intimacy coordinator at Erika Lust, tells SheKnows. “Sensory deprivation could be putting on a blindfold allowing you to delve deeper into the senses of touch, taste or smell. Temperature play is a similar experience, but instead, it heightens arousal, creating unique sensations of hot or cold.”

According to Clarke, temperature play works by intensifying the nerve endings to increase blood flow, which can increase an already pleasurable experience. “So if you put something warm or cold on your body the blood flow will react differently,” she explains. “A good practice, and basic approach when introducing any sexual activity or new play to the bedroom, is to start slowly and always communicate with partners to ensure they are comfortable and enjoying the experience.”

As always when it comes to sexual activity, remember safety is always the best policy. “And of course, always communicate and practice consent,” Clarke says. “Prioritize the comfort of everyone’s experience. Temperature play is great, and an important part of the BDSM umbrella, since it’s accessible to most, with minimal cost and preparation, and can be done solo or with multiple partners.”

Temperature play can be done with household items such as ice cubes and wax, to freezer-friendly sex toys like vibrators and dildos. Does temperature play sound intriguing to you and your partner(s)? Then read on below to learn about sexpert-approved creative ways to experiment with temperature play in your sex life.

Experiment with different textures and sensations.

According to Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist and Bloomi CEO and Co-Founder, different people may enjoy different temperatures, textures, and sensations on their skin. Trying different things with temperature play is a good way to experiment with what’s right for you until you know what turns you (and your partner) on.

“You can adapt temperature play to your needs and preferences and you can do it solo, partnered, with a toy, or without – it’s totally up to you,” Alvarez Story says. “Some suggestions are: licking ice cream off your partner’s skin, letting an ice cube melt on your or your partner’s nipples, or warming/freezing a towel, and putting on your partner.”

Alvarez Story also adds that it’s important to talk about desires, expectations, and limitations as well as come up with a safe word “so you or your partner can revoke your consent at any given time before getting into temperature play.”

Start slowly and explore the entire body.

Whenever you’re playing with hot or cold items, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Lovehoney sex and relationship expert, recommends to start slowly – not only to enjoy and enhance the experience but to test out the thresholds for heat and cold on your and your partner’s body. “In the beginning, run your toy under hot or cold water for 10 to 15 seconds and test it out for a moment. If you want to increase or decrease the temperature, you can always extend the time underwater.”

And remember that different parts of your body will respond differently to temperature variations. “For example, your mouth can handle hotter temperatures than much of your exposed skin (think about drinking hot tea versus spilling hot tea on your thighs), so take care to test the temperature a little at a time across the body,” she says.

O’Reilly suggests exploring your entire body with your hot or cold toys — and not heading straight to your genitals. “You can play with temperature from head to toe — alternating between the nipples, along the collarbone, down the sides of your chest and between your thighs.”

Go the sensual route.

If you’re looking for something more sensual to kick off your temperature play, Alvarez Story recommends giving a sensual massage with hot oil or wax from a body-safe candle.

Not that you need much of a reason to give or receive a massage from your lover, but Alvarez Story points out that “relaxing and having an intimate massage can help to reduce muscle tension and stress, improve circulation, and has even been reported to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.” Choose a massage oil or candle that is suitable for use on intimate skin. She suggests Bloomi’s Relax, which is a clean massage oil that doubles as an everyday body oil with lavender aromatherapy and is safe to be cooled down or warmed up. Set the space with some soft pillows and blankets and enjoy.

Work with contrast.

Nora Langknecht, marketing manager and certified sex educator at FUN FACTORY, recommends switching between hot and cold sensations to keep your partner in pleasurable suspense. “Use ice to cool someone’s skin (or nipple, or whatever else), and you’ll create contrast with the natural heat of your mouth or tongue,” she says. “So, follow the cool touch of an ice cube with the warmth of your tongue or kisses.”

She also suggests gently heating or cooling your toys to experiment with temperature in a safe way. “Try sticking VOLTA, our external vibrator, or MANTA, our vibrating penis stroker, in hot (not boiling) or cold water. Your partner will get all the stimulation of the toy, plus the added benefit of an unexpected temperature.”

And as always, since temperatures that are too hot or cold may be unpleasant or even painful, she warns to “test the toys against the inside of your wrist before using them on your partner!”

Chill a dildo (or vibrator) in the fridge.

To add a different sensation, Alvarez Story suggests cooling down a dildo in the fridge before playing with it. “Make sure that the dildo is composed of a material that can be frozen and is still body-safe when frozen,” she says. “Our recommendation is Indulge Double-sided Vibrator, a powerful, versatile, and body-safe vibrator with double sides: enjoy one non-vibrating and one vibrating side, both great for vaginal and anal use.”

In fact, according to Clarke, many silicone toys can be popped in the freezer, or in a bowl of ice and teased across the body during intercorse or foreplay. “A toy that comes to mind is Maya by Love Not War,” she says. “It is a great toy for temperature play since it is responsive to temperatures, meaning the head can be unscrewed and heated before use or put into the refrigerator to cool down. Since it is made out of 99 percent recycled aluminum, it will conduct the temperature really quickly.

Ready to get started with some temperature play? Things are about to get hot (or really cold).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is why treating sex like a hobby will improve your sex life

— For most of us, understanding the basics of sex science and pleasure is the first step in improving our sex lives, says Ruth Ramsay

Ruth Ramsay suggests having great sex may be easier to achieve than you think

By Ruth Ramsay

Do you have a great sex life? If your answer is yes – congratulations! But for the majority of you reading this, it’s probably a no. Particularly if you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s normal for your sex life with your partner to not be as regular, fun or satisfying as you’d like.

This probably impacts your happiness outside of the bedroom as well as in. In a recent major study from 2022, reported in Forbes, over two thirds of participants agreed with the statement “my overall quality of life would improve if my sex life improve”. But what if there was a relatively simple way to make that happen?

For some people, change in this area is challenging, particularly those with a history of trauma or a religious upbringing where sex was demonised. But for the masses who are simply bored, badly informed and shy to admit it, easier help is at hand.

It’s unlikely to come from magazine articles with titles like Techniques Guaranteed To Blow His Mind or 10 Types Of Orgasms – Are You Missing Out? Instead, I suggest a simple mindset shift; we can use whatever our starting point and which is inclusive of age, gender, relationship structure, tastes and abilities. It’s that we approach sex as we would a favourite hobby.

I know the power of this concept from my coaching work. A couple I coached over a number of months, helping them re-establish a sex life based around pleasure after a long gruelling fertility journey, told me “sex as a hobby” had been the most transformational concept. The fact my TEDx talk sharing this idea, Revamp Your Sex Life In Six Minutes has gone viral (it has been viewed more than 700,000 times) backs this up.

What do I mean by ‘let’s approach sex like a hobby’?

Honestly, it means: let’s talk about it with those we do it with, schedule time for it in our diaries, be keen to learn about it, and open-minded about new or different techniques. Let’s check in with what we want each time, not be shy to seek medical advice if there is a problem, and most of all, prioritise the equal enjoyment of all involved.

This is a big shift from how we typically treat sex. We expect it to “just happen naturally”, with no planning or effort, and consider anything other than spontaneous sex as inferior. Most adults get their information and inspiration from a toxic mix of romanticised messages in film and TV, trends in porn, and the lingering memory of school “sex education” (fear-drenched reproductive biology which positioned only penetrative intercourse as “real sex”). We don’t understand our anatomy, and faking pleasure is preferable to talking about how to achieve it.

In what other physical activity typically involving two partners, would we expect things to “just happen”, with no decent foundational education, ongoing learning, or discussion about what we like or dislike, and with never putting it in the diary? Let alone expect it to happen regularly and be exciting and fulfilling for both parties, doing it only with each other for years on end?

Since the TEDx talk went live I’ve had emails from around the world from people telling me it has sparked their first-ever open discussions with their partners about sex. It has enabled them to approach improving their sex lives together with positivity and excitement. This is partly because this approach leads with “let’s make things better and have more fun”, rather than “let’s talk about how boring or unsatisfying things have become”. The latter can be hard to admit even to ourselves, let alone a partner, and conversations around it can be painful and full of blame.

Treating sex as a hobby gives us a starting point from wherever we find ourselves right now. But for most of us, understanding the basics of sex science and pleasure is the first fundamental step in improving our sex lives. It’s not our fault we don’t already know – it’s only in recent years that decent adult education around sex has become widely available.

There is now lots of good information out there: books, podcasts and documentaries. Put “sex’” into a reputable platform and you should get education, not porn. Taking responsibility for understanding our own bodies and what we need – not expecting a partner to “deliver” pleasure or “make” us climax – is vital.

What do you want?

The next step is being able to talk about it. So many couples tell me the only thing they never talk about in their relationships is sex. Treat this in itself with curiosity: we can start off such a discussion with: “Isn’t it weird how we can talk about everything else, but not this? Why is that?”

Then, we need to dedicate time to putting what we’ve learnt into practice. People are resistant to this suggestion but putting sexual playtime in the diary is not an admission of failure. Instead, it’s a positive, affirmative act which recognises sex as an important part of our busy lives.

By “sex” I mean all types of enjoyable, intimate, erotically charged time – including with oneself. With a partner, it doesn’t mean we are committing in advance to having penetrative intercourse. Communicate what you’re up for. If you’re too tired or stressed for sexual play, keep the date for intimate non-sexual bonding time, instead of giving up and turning on the TV. Your relationship will thank you.

If you view scheduling sexual time as the ultimate turn-off, consider this: when you were first with your partner, you planned dates days or weeks ahead; thought about what to wear and personal grooming; messaged each other to say how much you were looking forward to it; made absolutely sure you didn’t let work or other commitments creep in. Did that turn you off? No, it built up the heat (and consider that it’s also what people do when they have affairs…). It can have a similar effect now.

If we wait until we spontaneously experience desire after all of life’s other busy-ness is done, that’s when sex doesn’t happen for weeks, months, or even years. Which is such a loss. Good sex can bring us such individual and relational joy; boost our physical and mental health; provide stress relief and an outlet for creativity and adult play. Shouldn’t we devote as much attention to it as to hobbies which do the same?

Try approaching sex as a hobby, and you may soon find your answer to my opening question changes.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Delicately Tell Your Spouse the Sex Isn’t Good Anymore

By Ashley Wright

Sex is a fundamental part of a healthy, intimate relationship. It’s where people display their love and affection for each other in a physically intimate way. But what happens when the sex isn’t great? When one spouse isn’t feeling satisfied or is left underwhelmed? It can be a tough topic to bring up but good sex it’s crucial for any relationship to work. Here are some ways you can talk to your spouse about the intimacy not satisfying your needs while maintaining open and honest communication.

Figure Out What’s Missing

The first step is to identify what specifically isn’t working for you. Is it a lack of emotional connection, intimacy, or physical pleasure? By figuring out what isn’t working, you can approach the conversation with your spouse clearly and confidently.

Be Direct but Tactful

Confronting your partner about subpar sex can be uncomfortable for both parties, but it’s essential to address the issue head-on if you’re not satisfied. In order to do so tactfully, without attacking or blaming your partner, it is best to use “I” statements. In a problem-solving context, “I” statements are a non-judgmental way to frame the conversation. For example, “I don’t feel satisfied sexually” or “I would like us to be more intimate.” By using “I” statements like “I notice we aren’t connecting as well as we used to in the bedroom, and I wonder how we can make things better,” the conversation can be framed as a problem-solving exercise rather than something to be ashamed of. In this way, you avoid blame and your partner is able to understand the impact of their actions on you.

Use Positive Reinforcement

Couple laying in bed (Photo courtesy of CreateHerStock.com)

Positive reinforcement can go a long way in boosting your sexual connection with your partner. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, focus on what is. Give your partner specific examples of things they do that you enjoy and ask them to do more of that. For example, “I love when you touch me like that, and it really turns me on. Can we do more of that next time?” Positive reinforcement is a great way to build your partner’s confidence in the bedroom and motivate them to keep trying new things.

Talk About Your Needs and Desires

Another way to broach the subject of unsatisfying sex is to talk about your needs and desires. Often, couples struggle to communicate openly about what they want in bed, which can lead to disappointment and frustration. Make sure to communicate your needs clearly and listen to your partner’s needs as well. Understanding your partner’s desires and preferences can help you both achieve greater sexual satisfaction. Find out what arouses your partner and work on fulfilling that longing desire.

Offer Solutions

If you’re in a sexual rut, trying new things together can be a great way to reignite the flame. Come up with suggestions to add spice to your sex life. Share your fantasies with each other, and brainstorm ways to make them a reality. Whether it’s exploring new positions or experimenting with toys, introducing new elements into your sex life can be a fun, exciting way to deepen your connection with your partner. Ask your partner to suggest new ways you can both enjoy sex more. If you can’t get to a solution, consider seeing a sex therapist for guidance.

Seek Professional Help if Necessary

If you’ve tried everything and still can’t seem to get your sexual connection back on track, seeking professional help could be an option worth considering. A sex therapist can provide unbiased, expert advice on how to improve your sex life and help you and your partner overcome any obstacles that may be hindering your connection. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help — sometimes, a fresh, professional perspective is all you need to get your sexual relationship back on track.

Intimacy is an essential part of a relationship, and if it’s not adequately addressed, it can affect the bond between partners. Talking to your spouse may be daunting, but it’s essential to approach it with love and respect while highlighting your needs and concerns. Be prepared to listen and offer solutions that work for both of you. Remember that it’s a journey towards better intimacy and emotional bonding. And if the conversation doesn’t go as planned, it’s perfectly okay to ask for guidance from a therapist. The most crucial thing after the conversation is to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t let the conversation be a one-time event, but rather a starting point for a regular conversation and improvement of your intimacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Not all porn is created equal

— Is there such a thing as a healthy pornography?

By

We recently saw yet another controversy about sexual representation in Australia. Melissa Kang and Yumi Stynes’ book Welcome to Sex was attacked by the conservative group Australian Women’s Forum, leading to the book being removed from the shelves of Big W – and shooting to the top of the Amazon sales charts.

As a researcher on pornography, I was particularly interested to see that Stynes defended our need for sex education books by saying:

“Many of the discussions around … the putrid effects of porn on real-world sex … come back to teaching about sex and consent and starting that teaching young”.

This is interesting because the book’s critics also feel the same way – Women’s Forum Australia says that it is “deeply concerned about the damaging impact of pornography on women, as well as on men, children and society”.

It seems that wherever you sit politically, there is consensus that pornography is unhealthy.

Modern pornography

But not all pornography is the same. Digital production and distribution has lowered the barriers to entry, whereas previously the “means of production” (as Marx would put it) required producers to be able to afford expensive cameras, lights, editing equipment, the ability to reproduce material, the ability to advertise it and stock it to adult stores or a mail order business.

Nowadays literally anybody with a phone has the ability to create and distribute sexually explicit material. That’s resulted in an explosion in the variety of pornography you can consume. There still exists – although less – expensive glossy mainstream pornography. Alongside it sits a huge range catering to niche sexual interests – people who are interested in feet, balloons, clowns, or in baths full of baked beans.

There is a continuum now of how interactive sexually explicit material can be – from the traditional archives of videos and photographs (nowadays often accessed through “tube sites” like Pornhub) through to fully interactive “camming”, with media like OnlyFans sitting somewhere in the middle.

In this new world of digital pornography, how might we work out what’s healthy?

To answer this question I worked with a team, including Welcome to Sex author Melissa Kang, to establish an expert panel of sexual health experts, adolescent health experts, sex educators, pornography researchers and pornography producers.

We asked them to give us some examples of pornography they thought could support healthy sexual development – and then to reflect on the criteria they had used as they came up with these suggestions. This research was published in full in the International Journal of Sexual Health.

A different kind of pornography

The experts identified four explicit websites that potentially supported healthy sexual development, all of which feature a slightly different kind of pornography.

PinkLabel.TV favours queer indie materials which are often slightly punk in their orientation, with a range of different sexualities, genders and body types, presenting their sex in unashamed ways.

Sex School distributes pornography with a stated educational aim, naming videos with instructional titles, and providing sexually explicit materials that show viewers how to have sex, and provide information about topics such as “consent” and Squirting.

Lust Cinema takes a feminist approach to pornography, paying explicit attention to women’s pleasure and sometimes drawing on the aesthetics of groundbreaking feminist pornographers such as Candida Royalle, with high-quality lighting, better acting, more focus on story, and attractive male actors.

MakeLoveNotPorn favours an amateur aesthetic, with people who are not professional porn actors, often with bodies that would be considered more ordinary than professional pornography performers, presenting a relaxed and ordinary performance of sexuality, often with their own partners in their own homes.

In terms of the criteria the experts used to identify these examples, six of them had broad agreement. It is important, they said, to know pornography is ethically produced. The experts also agreed on the importance of showing a variety of body types, abilities, genders, races and ethnicities.

Both of these points match well with non-expert critiques of pornography.

Diversity and realism

There was also strong agreement among the group that pornography that showed a variety of sexual practices and pleasures – not just penis-in-vagina sex – had the potential to be healthy. This is an interesting finding because unlike the first two it doesn’t match up so well with non-expert critiques.

A lot of discussions about “porn literacy” at the moment critique pornography for being “unrealistic” – and when you dig down into the details often they mean pornography shows too much variety in sex – group sex, anal sex, kinky sex – rather than vanilla, monogamous loving sex.

The experts here are disagreeing with popular narratives about what should count as healthy sexuality.

Negotiation of consent

A fourth criterion on which the experts agreed was the value of showing the negotiation of consent on screen.

This is also an interesting one because most pornography doesn’t show the negotiation of consent. That’s not to say it’s non-consensual – the only pornography you can find on the internet (as opposed to the dark web) is consensually produced. However it doesn’t often show negotiation of consent – pornography is set in a world of fantasy where everybody enjoys everything they do sexually, all the time.

This means most pornography is not a great place to learn how to negotiate consent – that’s simply not what it’s designed for. Ironically the one genre of porn that often does show consent negotiation is BDSM – a form of porn that popular narratives about porn rejects as being particularly unhealthy.

Experts also noted pornography that focused on pleasure for all participants could contribute to healthy sexual development – important when we live in patriarchies that focus on men’s pleasure more than women’s.

Navigating pornography

In this world where so many different kinds of people are producing different kinds of pornography, don’t assume it’s all the same. If you want to find healthy pornography – or you want to advise young adults in your life about how to find healthy pornography – then here are some of the questions you should be asking.

Does it show a variety of body types, genders and sexual acts? Does it pay attention to the sexual pleasure of everyone involved? And does it show consent? If you pay attention to these issues, you can be more comfortable the pornography you’re consuming is helping you to have a happy and healthy sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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9 Sex Positions That Will Take Your Tried-&-True Missionary To The Next Level

By Sophie Saint Thomas<

“Missionary position” is a bit of an unfortunate phrase, no? Many missionaries do fine charitable work, but thinking about them isn’t exactly titillating. That’s a shame, because missionary position can actually be amazingly sexy: In missionary position, bodies are close. There’s a lot of sweat. Breath mingles. It’s a perfect position for intimate lovemaking with strong eye contact; it’s also a perfect position for lifting your legs up, going as hard and as deep as possible, and experiencing pleasure in parts of your body you didn’t know existed.

It’s also certainly not just for penis-in-vagina straight sex. Maybe we should rebrand “missionary position” as being about going on a mission to get creative, messy, and come your face off — all while experiencing a closeness with your partner not available in other sex positions. As part of this rebrand, we’ve gathered twists on traditional missionary position that will prove just how hot and varied missionary sex can be.

Standing Missionary

Missionary isn’t just a position for the bed. Switch it up by doing missionary against a wall in any room of your home (this position is great for those times when you’re just too turned on to make it to the bedroom). Have the receiving partner lift their leg for better access to their vagina, while the giving partner holds on to the leg for support.

Spread Missionary

If you saw Fifty Shades Darker or are familiar with BDSM, you may have heard of spreader bars. They usually come with cuffs on either side that are clasped around the submissive partner’s ankles. And they’re the perfect toy to spice up missionary position.

To get into spread missionary, have the dominant partner (the one on top providing penetration) clasp the receiving partner’s ankles in the spreader bar. Then, the dominant partner can lift the submissive’s legs over their head for a kinky twist on a classic position.

Bound Missionary

Bound missionary infuses BDSM into this classic sex position. All you have to do is tie up the arms of the receiving partner over their head. You can use a pair of sex handcuffs or go DIY with rope or tape — whatever turns on you and your partner.

Assisted Missionary

To change the angle of penetration during missionary sex, try placing a pillow under your partner’s bum. You don’t need to buy a pillow made specially for sex; just grab one lying around your bed. By plopping the cushion under the receiving partner, their pelvis lifts, thus allowing for increased G-spot or P-spot (for those with prostates having anal sex) stimulation.

Pretzel Missionary

In the pretzel version of missionary position, the receiving partner simply lifts their legs and wraps them like a salty snack around the partner providing penetration. It’s a variation both parties will love: By wrapping their legs around, the receiving partner can pull their lover further inside, controlling the depth of penetration, gripping tight if they feel something they like. For the partner providing penetration, not only are they aided in thrusting, which can be heavy cardio, but they’re able to feel the warmth of being entangled in legs.

Impaled Missionary

“Impaled” is a bit of a violent term, but that’s what the Kama Sutra calls this variation, officially “shulachitaka.” The receiving partner lifts one leg up, which, like a lever on a La-Z-Boy, allows the couple to play with various angles. A leg over the shoulder is always hot, and by lifting one leg up, if the receiving partner has a vagina, this position also creates more space for the person on top to rub their clit.

Rockette Missionary

Rockette missionary sex takes impalement to the next level (and forces the person lying down to do a little cardio). Just like with impaled missionary, the receiving partner lifts one leg up along their partner’s body, but in this version you take turns, switching legs up and down like a Rockette dancer. This position is known in the Kama Sutra as “the broken flute (venudaritaka).”

Strap-On Missionary

Strap-on missionary sex can be done by all genders and orientations, not just by two people with vaginas (although that’s awesome too). It’s a wonderful way for a person with a vagina to see what it feels like being on top of their partner with a penis, by slowly inserting a (well-lubricated, please) dildo into their partner’s vagina or butt. When using a strap-on, take the time to research and find the right one for you, and always clean afterward with warm water and antibacterial soap. Just like with penises, use a condom if using on multiple partners.

Anal Missionary

There is definitely nothing boring about having missionary sex in your butt. Compared to the doggy-style version of sex typically associated with anal, missionary anal sex can take a bit more maneuvring, but it’s well worth it (to help get the angle right, it might be helpful to place a pillow under the receiver). The intimate eye contact involved in missionary takes a sex act like anal, often associated with roughness, and proves it can also be soft and sweet. Regardless of whether you’re using a dildo or penis in anal missionary, as the anus isn’t self-lubricating, make sure to always use proper lubrication. Pro tip: If you’re doing anal missionary with someone who has a vagina, never switch from butt to vagina without a proper washing. That’s how yeast and urinary tract infections are made!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What’s Happened to the Male Orgasm?

By Annie Lord

I was in the park with a friend of mine who was telling me about the sex she’d had at a festival the weekend before. “He came as well, actually,” she added at the end of the story.

“Oh, nice,” I said, and then I laughed because I couldn’t remember when it became a thing to comment on men coming. But then, maybe men finishing is less of a given than it used to be. At least, it seems to be.

“I’ve seen the greatest cocks of our generation destroyed by SSRIs,” read one tweet that was being screengrabbed by a lot of my friends. If you don’t get the joke—and, please, it’s very much a joke—SSRIs are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (such as Prozac, Lexapro, and Zoloft), which can help with feelings of anxiety and depression, one side effect being that they can reduce people’s libido and ability to orgasm. Of course, it’s good that men are taking measures to look after their mental health, and often when people are on SSRIs, they can work around the side effects to still climax. Maybe alcohol is to blame. After all, being drunk—which people tend to be when they’re having casual sex—doesn’t help. Nor does the emphasis we place on performance, something we’re more guilty of than we think.

My friend and I chatted for a while about all this, about men not coming as much as they used to, and why that might be. Or we did, until I pointed out that we were being hypocritical. Both of us have complained in the past about how men are really set on making you come. You can tell it’s mainly to prop up their own ego rather than for your pleasure, and it makes you feel pressured and guilty when you can’t. We’ve pointed out to men we’ve had sex with that we don’t have sex to orgasm, but for other things: pleasure, yes, but pleasure in a more general sense; the kind of smudgy oblivion where you forget yourself. And yet there we were, doing the very thing we hated: focusing solely on orgasm.

“Although someone needs to come, so there’s a natural end to sex,” my friend said. “Otherwise it will keep on going forever.”’

“I vote it should be them,” I replied.

“Yeah, sorry, they can’t spend decades centering the male orgasm as the end of sex and then say it’s no longer the end of sex.”

“It’s too late for me,” I said. “My entire sexuality is built around what men want.”

Of course, I wasn’t being serious, but it made me think. What do I want? A while ago I was sleeping with this guy, and I remember him asking the second or third time we slept together, “What do you want?”

I was on top, looking at him, and I remember wanting to hide. Trying to think of an answer to his question was like trying to describe a color I’d never seen before. I was tongue-tied. So I said, “What do you want?” bouncing the question back to him, and then he repeated it back to me a second time so that it felt as though we were playing that stupid game the Chuckle Brothers used to do where they went, “To me, to you,” again and again and again.

On my phone, there’s a screenshot of a quote from the beginning of Want Me by Tracy Clark-Flory. It’s from director Miranda July, and I saved it in my favorites folder because it resonated so much. It reads: “I’m always interested to hear how a woman conceives of herself as a sexual person, because there is really no map for this. Only a series of contradictory and shaming warnings. So whatever any of us comes up with is going to be wholly unique and perhaps a little monstrous—like a creature that has survived multiple attacks yet still walks, still desires.”

And what is left surviving at the end—for me, for the women I know? When we imagine sex, we’re rarely ever ourselves but someone else entirely, because it would be too shameful to be us. Most of us have some sort of praise kink—where you get off on someone telling you you’re good at stuff—presumably because the focus is on someone else’s pleasure. We’re so objectified that we like to become inanimate objects, or think about being watched, followed. Our sexuality slips in between gaps, slides into the spaces in between, clings on.

I don’t know how to describe what I want to another person, to guide them toward it. It’s not a fixed thing: it bends and warps with each person, it shape-shifts. What feels good with someone might feel different with another. Our moods change. Desire emerges in context with someone else. Even if shame didn’t play a part, I’m still not sure I’d be able to answer the question.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is a ruined orgasm?

— Intentionally spoiling an orgasm could actually improve sex for some people.

By Beth Ashley

Most people will hear “ruined orgasm,” which are sometimes referred to as “spoiled orgasms” and assume they’re not in for a good time. But, for some people, messing up orgasms during partnered and solo sex when they’re just about to get going, is the hottest thing going.

Ruined orgasms are exactly what they sound like. You aim towards an orgasm, and then spoil it before it can fully materialise. There are some similarities with edging, which is the practice of stopping an orgasm just before it happens and repeatedly edging towards it before allowing yourself to climax. Only, with a ruined orgasm, that eventual satisfaction never comes. It’s all about leaving yourself/your partner without the satisfaction of actually orgasming.

Orgasms are great. They feel earth-shattering in a good way when executed right. So, why on earth would anyone want theirs ruined, you ask?

Why ruin your orgasm?

Well, sex educator Emme Witt who runs the sex newsletter Sugar Cubed, says it’s all about control, and “consensual force,” which is pretty hot to some people. Those who enjoy practising BDSM in their sex lives may take on the roles of ‘sub’ (submissive) and ‘dom’ (dominant) to heighten their pleasure experiences and play with power in the bedroom in a consensual way. Often, this can look like the dom setting the sub a particular set of rules they must abide by, or agreeing to only take part in certain sex acts when the dom says it’s okay to. The dom gets pleasure from having these rules followed, and the sub experiences pleasure by, well, submitting.

“There’s also an intensity to the absence of pleasure/release that comes with having stimulation suddenly removed right at the point of ejaculation.”

Witt says playing with ruined orgasms falls perfectly into this type of power exploration in BDSM. “Ruined orgasms can be a way [for a dominant to play by] letting a submissive know that they have been promised an orgasm in reward for [following orders], but just when they think they’ll be experiencing an ecstatic release, the dominant is going to ruin that pleasure.” She adds that for those with a humiliation kink, ruined orgasms can be a great time as the feeling can be degrading.

Of course, this is all pre-negotiated before sex starts and safe words are in place to avoid anyone getting hurt (you can read all about this process and how to do it properly here).

Chris, who works in advertising, tells Mashable he enjoys ruined orgasms because the appeal can be “split into the physical sensation and the emotional/psychological dynamic. Physically, I enjoy the build-up, and the repeated edging that usually accompanies a ruined orgasm scenario. There’s also an intensity to the absence of pleasure/release that comes with having stimulation suddenly removed right at the point of ejaculation.”

He also says it pairs well with other aspects of submission and masochism, which he finds appealing, such as “Giving someone else control over my pleasure; watching them get off on the control; the skill, precision, knowledge and communication between us that it takes to ruin an orgasm properly; and just being denied the thing I want most sexually at that critical moment.”

It also leaves him “incredibly horny and needy” and wanting to have sex again straight away, which is fun!

So is a ruined orgasm basically no orgasm at all?

Sexologist Lilith Foxx says “essentially, the body continues with the physical reactions of ejaculation and/or muscular contractions of orgasm, but because the follow through of sensation is abruptly stopped, the emotional and physical ‘release’ does not occur.”

While there might not be a “proper” orgasm, there is “a loss of control, coupled with the release of endorphins, oxytocin, and other hormones that lead to the receiver experiencing increased euphoria, vulnerability, and ‘submission’ to the giver” which, for some people, is as satisfying as an orgasm.

After all, orgasms aren’t the be-all-or-end-all of sex. They shouldn’t be our sole goal during sex; pleasure should.

How are ruined orgasms different from forced orgasms or edging?

A forced orgasm is consensually forcing someone to have an orgasm quickly, either by masturbating them, demanding they masturbate themselves (again, this is all with explicit pre-agreed consent, safe words, and boundaries) or using a vibrator on them.

Edging, also known as orgasm control, is a sexual technique where you maintain a high level of sexual arousal for an extended period without reaching climax. It is in the same “family” of activities as ruined and forced orgasms, but it works differently.

All of these acts involve orgasm control, but they differ in their outcomes. Edging aims to increase orgasm intensity, forced orgasms force people to orgasm quickly, while a ruined orgasm deliberately reduces it.

While they’re not the same, they can be used together for an extra kinky night.

Are there any risks involved with ruined orgasms?

Lilith Foxx notes that, sometimes, feelings of intensity, vulnerability, frustration, and insecurity can occur during ruined orgasm play due to the sudden loss or reduction in sexual stimulation and attention. “The receiver might feel emotionally activated and could even cry,” she warns.

Just like with all types of play, the giver should be prepared to provide aftercare and ensure that the receiver feels emotionally safe and comforted. Lilith Foxx says this might even be needed later on, as not all people will have an immediate reaction. “These feelings can come days or even weeks after.”

How do I get started with ruined orgasm?

Ruined orgasms are really not for everyone. As Witt says, ruining someone’s orgasm isn’t the same as pulling out a pair of fur-lined handcuffs and playing around with a riding crop or a little bondage in bed. They work best for people who enjoy punishment and/or or sub/dom roles during sex.

If you or your partner has enjoyed another kind of punishment-based BDSM play before, it might be that ruined orgasms are for you. In this case, Witt says you must communicate with your partner before, after and during the entire encounter. “Partners really need to be on the same page with the desire to delve into this territory,” she says.

She recommends watching skilled kinksters and sex workers carry out ruined orgasms in ethical videos, or taking a class from a kink workshop, to make sure you go into this sort of play with as much knowledge as possible.

As with any sexual activity, communication is key. Lilith Foxx says it’s important to discuss comfort levels, boundaries, safe words, and how you might signal when you’re about to climax. “One method I recommend is asking your partner for permission to have an orgasm. They can either grant or deny this request. This signals to them that you are about to climax and plays with the power dynamic, but doesn’t feel so ‘clinical’ in application,” she says.

“One method I recommend is asking your partner for permission to have an orgasm. They can either grant or deny this request.”

Chris adds the excitement of ruined orgasms is all in the build-up. While it’s best to discuss ruined orgasms beforehand for consent exchanges and boundary discussion, that conversation can also be really sexy.

“The verbal teasing, the exploration of different options/scenarios and the period of self-denial for days leading up to it can make a ruined orgasm exponentially hotter,” he says, noting that ruined orgasm can also be hot during manual and oral sex rather than just focusing on penis-in-vagina sex, and also marries well with other kinks like anal sex or pegging.

Once you’re ready to get going, Foxx says the simplest method is to to stop or significantly reduce stimulation just as you or your partner near climax. The giver can try adding in words to play up the situation as well, like “Nope! You haven’t earned your orgasm” just as they stop stimulation entirely.

And there you have it, a kinky ruined orgasm that leaves one of you with the power and one of you feeling unfulfilled and gagging for more. Hot.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to expect when you’re expecting

— How will your sex life change during pregnancy and postpartum?

The perinatal period can be hectic. It’s understandable that sex may be on the back burner for a little while.

By &

Welcoming a new baby is often a joyous experience for couples. While many couples take time to prepare for the arrival of their bundle of joy, fewer take time to prepare for challenges that can emerge in their sexual and romantic relationships during this period.

At The University of British Columbia’s Sexuality and Well-Being Lab (SWell), we conduct research to understand the factors that lead some couples to thrive during pregnancy and the postpartum while others struggle. We then use this research to develop resources to help couples navigate these changes together.

What to expect

Sexual challenges during pregnancy and the postpartum are common. Up to 88 per cent of people who give birth and 45 per cent of their partners experience problems with their sex life during this time.

With shifting roles and responsibilities, the perinatal period (pregnancy and up to one year postpartum) can be hectic. It’s understandable that sex may be on the back burner for a little while.

Studies conducted by our team and our collaborators at Dalhousie University have shown that many expectant and new parents desire sex less often and/or at different times than their partner.

Many couples report having distressing concerns about their sex life, such as body image or whether having sex during pregnancy will hurt the baby — FYI, it won’t. Approximately one in five people who gave birth report moderate pain during sex that either starts in pregnancy or after the baby is born.

Sexual problems usually get worse throughout pregnancy until three months postpartum, when they generally start improving.

A pregnant woman lying on her back and a smiling man lying beside her with his hand on her belly
Expectant and new parent couples often don’t know what to expect when it comes to their sex lives.

If this seems daunting, you’ll be encouraged to hear that despite sexual challenges being common, 64 per cent of couples say that they are still sexually satisfied during this time.

This is great news because having a strong sexual connection with your partner is important for your mental and physical health, and contributes to the longevity of your relationship.

The information gap

Expectant and new parent couples often don’t know what to expect when it comes to their sex lives. In a recent study sampling 204 couples across Canada and the United States, we found that up to 78 per cent of expectant and new parents received little to no information about changes to their sexuality. This is despite most individuals wanting to receive sex-related information!

Given that sexual problems are common and not inconsequential to the health of the romantic relationship, this lack of information for couples about what to expect regarding their perinatal sexuality is a problem.

On top of this information gap, the content of information that couples receive doesn’t match what they want to receive.

In our study, we found that expectant and new parents most often received information about things like safety of sexual activity in pregnancy, contraception, when to resume sex in the postpartum and information only relevant to the partner who gave birth.

What’s missing is reassurance that changes to sexuality are common and advice on how to manage changes. Information about the sexuality of the partner who didn’t give birth is also lacking, even though both members of the couple are affected. Expectant and new parents want a variety of information to help them be better prepared.

Research has also revealed that psychological factors such as postpartum depression, social factors such as divisions of labour and relationship factors such as coping together as a couple are important for couples’ sexual relationships in pregnancy and the postpartum.

Perhaps surprisingly, biological factors — such as whether the delivery was vaginal or caesarean, and the degree of tearing — are not strong predictors of sexual problems during this time.

Translating knowledge into practice

Health-care professionals feel they have a lack of knowledge and training to talk about sexual health with expectant and new parents, and worry that doing so would make them and/or their patients feel uncomfortable. However, our research showed that most couples would welcome these conversations.

Health-care professionals need training on how to initiate conversations about perinatal sexual health with expectant and new parents, but they also need to know the latest research in this area.

Researchers at Dalhousie University recently produced a series of short informational videos that summarize recent research on sex after having a baby. The goal of #PostBabyHankyPanky is to normalize changes to postpartum sexuality, encourage conversations about sex between partners and help health-care professionals feel more prepared to have these discussions with their patients.

If you’re a new or expectant parent and you’ve been noticing changes in your relationship, here’s some good news: Our research shows that when couples receive more information about what to expect regarding changes to their sex lives in pregnancy or the postpartum (like what you’ve read here) they report greater desire, engage in sex more often, feel more sexually satisfied and feel less worried about their sex lives.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A new morning-after pill to stop STDs could also make the problem worse

The CDC is considering recommending the antibiotic doxycycline to be used after sex to prevent syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia.

By

Public health officials are deploying a powerful new weapon in the war against rising sexually transmitted infections: a common antibiotic that works as a morning-after pill.

It is the latest advancement as the sexual health field shifts to preventive medicine — not just condoms, abstinence and tests — as the best hope for quashing the pathogens that can spread during sex.

For the past decade, people have been able to have unprotected sex with a low risk of contracting HIV thanks to daily pills known as PrEP, or pre-exposure prophylaxis. But they were still susceptible to bacterial bugs, including the recent spike in syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia — until now.

Recent studies show the antibiotic doxycycline taken after sexual encounters works as a post-exposure prophylaxis to prevent those infections. But experts are also worried about unintended consequences. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention plans to release guidelines later this summer for deploying the treatment, known as DoxyPEP, in hopes of addressing fears among medical professionals that preventive use would fuel antibiotic resistance — and the rise of drug-resistant superbugs.

“It’s the first major intervention we’ve had for STIs since the vaccine for human papillomavirus,” nearly two decades ago, said Jonathan Mermin, who leads STI prevention for the CDC. “But it is a new intervention, and because of that, there are potential benefits and potential risks.”

Doctors, public health officials and sexual health clinics have embraced preventive pills as a realistic way to curb STIs because they preserve pleasure while protecting partners. Some doctors have started prescribing it to a narrow segment of the gay community considered at elevated risk for STIs.

“Just like PrEP was a game changer, this empowers individuals to make choices about their sexual health,” said Jorge Roman, senior director of clinical services at the San Francisco AIDS Foundation, one of the first to widely distribute DoxyPEP. “It doesn’t always have to be about condoms.”

Doxycycline is already used as a front line antibiotic treatment for chlamydia and occasionally for syphilis and gonorrhea. But its use for prevention has drawn concerns that it would no longer be effective in patients who use it regularly and that it may facilitate the evolution of antibiotic resistant strains of the pathogens.

The drug’s proponents say these concerns are overblown because the criteria for eligibility are often narrow: Transgender women and men who have sex with men — and only if they have condomless sex and contracted an STI in the preceding year.

Those were the demographics recruited for a study of 500 patients in San Francisco and Seattle that found DoxyPEP effective. The study found a roughly 65 percent reduction in syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia cases in those who used the antibiotic between 2019 and 2022, mirroring similar results from European studies.

Another study of DoxyPEP use by cisgender women in Kenya between 2020 and 2022 did not find the treatment effective, a result that surprised and stumped researchers. Anatomical differences could play a role, but health officials say other studies suggest doxycycline becomes concentrated enough in vaginal fluid to confer protection against STIs.

Experts say it’s too early to conclude that DoxyPEP won’t work for women and more research is needed. Another possible explanation is women enrolled in the Kenyan study may not have consistently used doxycycline after sex. Researchers note early studies that found PrEP ineffective in protecting African women from HIV were eventually explained by poor adherence to the drug regimen rather than biological differences.

Researchers studying DoxyPEP are scrutinizing whether it could also render antibiotic treatments less effective. The U.S. study found a slight increase in antibacterial resistance, which the study’s authors said merits long-term attention. But they also said the finding should be tempered by the fact doctors would also be administering fewer antibiotics if people avoid catching and spreading STIs.

David Hyun, director of the Antibiotic Resistance Project at The Pew Charitable Trusts, said he was concerned by patients in the study using DoxyPEP as frequently as 20 times a month. More data is needed to understand the long-term effects — for individuals as well as broader communities, he said.

“If you keep exposing a patient to antibiotics like doxycycline, you are raising the risk of that patient being colonized or infected with a resistant strain sometime in the future,” Hyun said.

Some LGBTQ+ health providers suspect doctors may be using antibiotic resistance concerns to mask discomfort with condomless gay sex. They note that syphilis has yet to become resistant to penicillin since the antibiotic became the front-line treatment for the STI in the 1940s. And they point out doxycycline is widely used for other reasons, including long-term acne treatment and malaria prevention.

“We have used doxycycline for multiple other things,” Shira Heisler, medical director of the Detroit Public Health STD Clinic, said during a May conference of the National Coalition of STD Directors. “And I think specifically now being like, ‘We are not going to do it because of antimicrobial resistance’ when it’s specifically related to STIs is a good time to call out, ‘This is what stigma is. This is what bias is.’”

Proponents of DoxyPEP said it offers a long-needed solution to a spike in STIs. The CDC recorded more than 2.5 million cases of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia in 2021, up from 1.8 million in 2011.

In 2021, 36 percent of syphilis and gonorrhea cases were in men who have sex with men, according to the CDC. The CDC says these disparities cannot be explained by differences in sexual behavior alone. When people have a smaller pool of potential sexual partners with higher rates of STIs, they are more likely to have sex with someone with an infection. Cases in cisgender women and heterosexual men have also been rising.

Experts say everyone would benefit from DoxyPEP being limited to those most at risk because that would break chains of transmission early and reduce the likelihood of infections spreading more broadly.

Some physicians say allowing people to have worry-free sex is a worthy goal on its own.

“My goal as a physician is to make sure my patients are able to have whatever type of sex they want and however much sex they want as safely as possible,” said Boghuma Kabisen Titanji, an infectious diseases specialist in Atlanta. “And if DoxyPEP would allow them to do it, then I have no problem offering it.”

Nick, a 35-year-old resident of Lafayette, Ind., said he recently started taking DoxyPEP for peace of mind, knowing he would be less likely to get an infection as he has frequent condomless sex.

HIV was no longer a concern because he has been taking PrEP for a decade, said Nick, who spoke on the condition that his last name not be used to candidly discuss his sex life. But he has endured uncomfortable bouts of syphilis and chlamydia.

“If you are taking HIV PrEP, why not take another extra kind of safeguard too?” he said. “It’s like a security blanket.”

As the country considers how widely to distribute DoxyPEP, public health officials and activists are worried it will be the latest medical advancement to roll out in an inequitable way, following similar racial gaps seen with PrEP and mpox vaccinations. Federal officials say PrEP users are disproportionately White even though most new HIV cases are in Black and Latino people. The CDC estimates that most mpox cases have been in Black and Latino men, but only a third of vaccine doses have gone to them.

LGBTQ+ health providers are already reporting disparities, with White patients more likely to ask about DoxyPEP and Black and Latino patients less likely to be familiar with it.

During a discussion about DoxyPEP at the STD conference, one state health official noted that those who can afford to travel to Puerto Vallarta, a popular vacation destination among some gay Americans, can buy doxycycline to stockpile for themselves and their friends because the antibiotic is available over the counter in Mexico. But experts say concerns about antibiotic resistance would make it difficult for over-the-counter sales to occur in the United States.

Mermin, the CDC official, said equity is a top concern as the agency crafts its guidance for the use of DoxyPEP. It would be essential to ensure the medication is available in clinics serving people at the highest risk for STIs, he said, and to raise awareness outside of medical settings, such as on dating apps.

In London, Joey Knock said he started buying DoxyPEP outside of official channels, a common practice among some gay Europeans, last winter after regular bouts of gonorrhea.

But he limits his use to higher-risk nights, such as when he has unprotected sex in dark rooms with strangers.

“I’m someone who was averaging an STI a month,” said Knock, 33. “I’ve done the risk analysis for me, but it also benefits other people if me taking DoxyPEP means I don’t get chlamydia, then I don’t pass chlamydia around.”

In San Francisco, the first major jurisdiction where public health officials recommended DoxyPEP, providers noticed patients taking a similar approach: Using it after higher-risk sexual encounters rather than every encounter.

“We need to do more analysis to see if that could be making DoxyPEP less effective or if perhaps people are making really good decisions about when to use it,” said Stephanie Cohen, who leads STI prevention for the San Francisco Department of Public Health.

The San Francisco AIDS Foundation, which says it has connected more than 1,800 people to DoxyPEP, does not limit the antibiotic to people who have recently contracted a sexually transmitted infection, but counsels patients on the unknown risks of antibiotic resistance.

Anu Hazra, co-medical director of the Howard Brown Health, an LGBTQ+ health provider in Chicago, said antimicrobial resistance is “probably the largest public health threat we have” but doxycycline for a small group of people pales in comparison to the rampant use of antibiotics in the meat industry and other sectors.

He and other experts say vaccines to prevent STIs could be another game changer that does not carry the same baggage as antibiotics. A recent study showing that a vaccine for meningitis can also reduce the likelihood of contracting gonorrhea offers promise on that front. But DoxyPEP offers an immediate solution to an ongoing problem and could be pared back if antibiotic resistance emerges, Hazra said.

“We are seeing rising rates of STIs across the board for nearly a decade now. What we are doing now is not working,” Hazra said. “We need to try something new.”

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