Tag: Relationship Advice

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Are You in an ‘Inter-Intimate’ Relationship?

For some couples, having different nonsexual intimacy preferences can be a strain on the relationship. Here’s how to meet in the middle.

By Allison Hope

Hugs. Back rubs. Cuddling. Holding hands.

There are many ways in which we show our love for our significant others, and we all need and want different amounts of emotional and physical intimacy. While couples with differing sex drives face hurdles, many couples may also be involved in “inter-intimate” relationships, where each partner has different preferences when it comes to giving and receiving nonsexual affection.

“‘Inter-intimates’ describes the incongruent needs and desires that exist between people in a relationship, which inevitably will be mismatched at various times,” said Damon L. Jacobs, a marriage and family therapist in New York City.

That was the case for Marsia Belle when she met her husband of four years, Adam Brown. “I am a married woman with a lot of affection to give,” said Ms. Belle, a 27-year-old Ph.D. student at Regent’s University London. “When I first met my husband, he was different and didn’t consider nonsexual physical touch or physical affection a necessity.”

The problem plagued her dating history. “Because my past relationships lacked physical closeness and nonsexual intimacy, arguments and problems would more easily break trust, loyalty and other important values,” Ms. Belle said. “Breakups would be easy and unstoppable.”

Touch is a form of intimacy distinct from sex, with its own set of rules that can threaten to undo romantic entanglements.

“Mismatched needs for affection and touch are common in relationships,” said Mr. Jacobs, the therapist. “If you think about it, it’s quite rare for any two humans to be in complete sync at all times during the course of a long-term relationship.”

Samuel Twumasi, 33, an economic development officer, and Rhoda Twumasi, 34, a communications professional and content creator, had a rocky first year of marriage because of their mismatched affection.

“It caused a lot of stress, phone calls to his mother — I was desperate,” said Ms. Twumasi, who lives with her husband in Yorkton, Saskatchewan. “We wondered if getting married was a mistake in the first six months because we just did not understand how each other communicated or what the other person needed.” The couple also struggled with infertility, which added to their stress.

“Problems can arise if one partner feels ‘skin-starved’ and the other feels that they offer enough affection or doesn’t prioritize affection and physical touch as integral to the success of the relationship,” said La’Tesha Sampson, a clinical social worker and the founder of Great Joy Counseling and Consulting Services in Clark, N.J.

Reneze Lopez, 25, a travel and style blogger in Henderson, Nev., and Gary Goodman, 52, a licensed pharmacist turned stock trader in Las Vegas, have been dating for four years. Ms. Lopez said that their conflicting intimacy styles have put a strain on their relationship.

“I have definitely realized that affection plays a huge role in a relationship and it takes a lot of work,” said Ms. Lopez, who seeks more affection than Mr. Goodman. Communicating with one another, particularly when emotions are running at a low heat rather than a boil, has helped them see and hear one another.

Regardless of quantity, physical affection plays a biological role in one’s happiness. Oxytocin — sometimes called the “cuddle hormone” — releases at higher levels in moments of physical affection, and research has pointed to its health benefits, according to Paula S. Barry, a physician at Penn Family and Internal Medicine Longwood.

Mike Lee, 43, a life coach and certified matchmaker, and Amber Lee, 41, also a matchmaker, of Richmond, Va., have been together for 11 years and are engaged to be married. The couple has navigated divergent levels of affection for the duration of their relationship, with Mr. Lee needing more affection and Ms. Lee wanting less. They have managed to steer through it by communicating and injecting a little humor into the situation.

“We have learned to be playful and tease each other about our preferences for affection,” Ms. Lee said. “Mike will literally lick my face if I am not giving him affection when he desires it. This playfulness helps me to loosen up and helps him to get the attention he desires from me as we laugh and enjoy each other.”

So how do you reconcile your inter-intimate relationship? “Proper communication about affection wants and needs should occur often in the relationship,” Ms. Sampson, the social worker, said. “Rituals should be clearly identified in order to foster and maintain equilibrium. Couples may want to kiss good morning and good night, embrace one another upon greeting or ensure there is cuddling before or after sexual intimacy. It is important that both partners meet in the middle and constantly adjust to ensure the other partner’s needs are met.”

With time, the Twumasis learned how to communicate their needs to one another. “He would ask straight up what I needed from him in terms of affection, and I’d tell him, ‘Hold me, hold my hand, just sit with me,’” Ms. Twumasi said.

The same goes for Ms. Belle and Mr. Brown, her 31-year-old radiographer husband. “We have worked on this together over the years, and he now understands that little acts of love and nonsexual intimacy can be a nice daily or hourly reminder of love,” Ms. Belle said.

When broaching the topic of inter-intimacy with your significant other, it helps to approach calmly and seek to understand and inquire rather than complain or demand.

Start with a mutual understanding that demands kill affection, Mr. Jacobs said. “None of us can fully be open and vulnerable when there are consequences attached to not feeling open,” he said. Once an understanding is established, work on aligning on what your needs and wants are and create that space for intimacy. Then, schedule a “touch session,” he said. The goal shouldn’t be sex, he said, but to “connect without any expectations.”

Good communication, a curiosity to understand what makes your significant other tick and an active interest in meeting these needs are the formula for success in any relationship. In an inter-intimate relationship, it can be the saving grace.

Still, inter-intimate relationships aren’t all doomed from the get-go.

Emily Grace Bergh, 39, a publicist, and Colter Reid Bergh, 33, a software engineer, who live in Keene, N.Y., have been together for three years. They were both married with two children each before meeting, marrying and having a child together. Ms. Bergh requires more affection, whereas Mr. Bergh describes himself as “steady and non-emotive,” but the two complement each other. “Our personalities are extremely different but somehow work magically,” Ms. Bergh said.

Part of what makes their relationship work is a concerted effort from both parties. Mr. Bergh actually sets an alarm on his phone for cuddle time every Thursday night to meet his wife’s expressed need for physical affection, a tactic they came up with on their own. Ms. Bergh knows when to give her husband space. “For both of us, affection and nonsexual intimacy is the foundation to our relationship,” Ms. Bergh said. “With five kids, full-time jobs and currently renovating a house on a mountaintop, we have to make time to connect. It does not just appear for us.”

If you aren’t getting the affection you need in your relationship, there are other options that don’t involve divorce or devastation.

Betty Martin, 70, is a sex and consent educator in Seattle and a board member of Cuddle Party, a nonprofit organization that facilitates gatherings in more than a dozen countries where participants can exchange physical affection. Alcohol, racy negligee and sexual intentions are not welcome. Sparkling apple cider, cozy pajamas and consent are encouraged.

More than half of the Cuddle Party attendees are single, while some come with partners and others are in relationships where they aren’t getting enough affection at home.

“If the only touch you get is in sexual activity, then you are missing out on a basic human need,” Ms. Martin said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Limits of Sex Positivity

American culture still treats disinterest in sex as something that needs to be fixed. What if any amount of desire—including none—was okay?

By Angela Chen

For more than half a century, the modern industry of sex therapists, educators, and experts has been eager to tell us whether we’re having enough sex, or the right kind of sex. But this industry is, like any other, shaped by the broader culture—it took for granted that the goal was to “get everybody to the point where they have a type of desire and quality of desire that fits within the cultural norms and values,” the sex therapist and researcher Michael Berry says. Decades ago that meant: straight, monogamous, within marriage, private, nothing too kinky.

As American culture has become more expansive in its understanding of sexuality, so has sex therapy. But this kind of sex positivity often doesn’t leave room for those who don’t want sex at all. The prevailing idea remains that, as Berry puts it, “if people are coming to see a sex therapist, the intent would be to get them to have sex.”

Even in the midst of a “sex recession,” the idea that healthy adults naturally are and should be sexual remains embedded in everything from dating “rules” to medical dramas. Disinterest in having sex is considered a problem that needs to be solved—and this idea can harm everyone who is told they don’t want enough.

When some of sex educator Ev’Yan Whitney’s clients told her during their first sessions that they might be asexual, Whitney was skeptical. She knew the definition of asexual—a person who does not experience sexual attraction—but didn’t think that it fit most clients. She would never dispute anyone’s identity, but she thought other factors were likely to be at play.

Whitney grew up in a religious environment, where the only discussion of sex was an explanation of anatomy and she was expected to remain a virgin until marriage. Then, as a sex educator, she often heard from her peers that “liberated” people wanted a lot of sex—which made her ashamed because, well, she didn’t want a lot. For years, Whitney tried to “fix” her low desire by reading sex-advice books, which told her to be confident, wear lingerie, and keep saying yes to sex she didn’t want in order to activate the lusty goddess within. Her own experience with cultural hang-ups made Whitney sensitive to how they might affect clients, and led her to believe that if a client had, like her, absorbed a rigid view of sexuality, they might mistakenly think they were asexual, or “ace.”

Today, this attitude “is something I feel some guilt over,” Whitney says. “Looking back, many clients seemed pretty damn ace.” Whitney can recognize that now because she has realized something else: that she herself is on the ace spectrum.

Whitney reached out to me after reading my book and recognizing her experience in my descriptions of my own asexuality. That personal reckoning was accompanied by a professional one. It made her question whether being asexual was compatible with being a sex educator.

The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), a certifying body, includes asexuality in its curriculum as part of a broad “core knowledge area” covering sexual orientation and gender identity, but trainees are not required to study asexuality aside from that overview. Several sex therapists and therapists-in-training interviewed for this article (both AASECT-certified and not) said they did not receive detailed information about asexuality in their training. “One of the reasons we don’t get super specific about exactly what people need to know is that the minute we pin that down, more research will enter the field and our definition will be outdated,” said Joli Hamilton, who helps AASECT determine its educational curriculum. “And, as you know, the wheels of systems grind slowly.”

Whitney, who educated herself in part by finding resources online, told me that most of the information she found about asexuality was clinical and confusing. It did not explain that asexuality exists on a spectrum, that some ace people want and enjoy sex for reasons unrelated to sexual attraction to any given person, and that asexuality and low desire overlap but are not the same.

Plus, plenty of people have low desire, and not all of them are asexual. In many relationships with a libido mismatch, the lower-desire partner believes that they are solely to blame. And feelings of being broken and “wrong” can be present even for those who don’t have a partner. When notions of health and normality require the desire to have sex, it can be hard to untangle cultural pressure from what is right for you.

Ruth, a civil servant in Ireland, was 28 when she decided to see a sex therapist. As she approached 30, she felt strong pressure from her family to marry and have children, but had never had a serious boyfriend. (Ruth requested that I use her first name only so she could speak candidly about sex therapy.)

Ruth had, in fact, fallen in love with a woman but felt no sexual attraction toward her, so she continued forcing herself to date men. “The reason I had pushed myself into situations with men, including one that was really unsafe, was because I was trying so desperately to flick the switch of straightness,” Ruth told me.

Her experience didn’t make sense, to others or to herself. Her sister joked that she had “Prince Charming syndrome” and was waiting for somebody perfect. Everyone around her knew what she should want, and Ruth tried to want that too. “I hoped that I could be fixed,” Ruth said. “I hoped that I’d somehow be able to feel the way you’re ‘supposed’ to feel. I was waiting for those feelings to come, for this magical experience when suddenly everything would fit into place.”

Her sex therapist asked Ruth whether she was attracted to, say, Brad Pitt, and Ruth said yes because she thought he was handsome. This kind of aesthetic attraction is different from sexual attraction, but Ruth hadn’t yet figured that out (and her therapist may not have known the difference). Ruth remembers that the therapist seemed very sure what she needed: to keep going on dates, putting herself out there, and to not be so shy. So Ruth took the advice and signed up for dating apps.

A few sessions later, Ruth ended the counseling relationship. Afterward, she kept to herself for about a year, both obsessing over the experience and trying to avoid thinking about it—until she happened to see an article about an asexual couple. The way they spoke about themselves resonated with her, and she wondered if she might be asexual as well. To test her theory, Ruth went on a date to observe what she felt. The date confirmed what she suspected. A couple of weeks later, she told a friend she was ace.

Discovering asexuality and the ace community came with feelings of relief and permission, and also sadness that the option had not been presented before. Ruth had only ever been told that she should find a way to want the “right thing.” What she was never told was this: Having sex is not inherently better than not having sex if someone doesn’t want it.

A question hangs in the background of these stories. It’s one that Martha Kauppi, a sex therapist and the founder of the Institute for Relational Intimacy, is frequently asked: How can I tell whether a client is asexual or whether something else—something that can be solved—is causing the disinterest?

Aces ask ourselves this, too, because of course a wide variety of factors can affect how sexual attraction and sexual desire are experienced. It can take a long time and a lot of self-knowledge to realize that the answer is often not cut-and-dried—that you can be anxious and also be asexual, that you can have OCD and also be asexual. That, as in Whitney’s case, you can have sexual shame from a conservative upbringing, work through that, and still be asexual. That experimenting and trying to raise your desire level are okay if you want to, but that you don’t have to keep trying just because others say you must. That experts can be wrong and you can be right.

It seems that many well-meaning therapists who learn about asexuality adopt a two-part framework: If someone is ace, leave them alone; if someone is not, encourage them to have more sex. In the end, this framework misses the forest for the trees. Whether disinterest in sex is because of asexuality or not actually doesn’t matter, because it’s not wrong. You can have a good life without sex. More important than categorizing clients is starting from a place where everyone is okay.

Kauppi’s approach is not to focus on cause, or to diagnose or label, or to tease out the asexuality/low-desire distinction. She instead works with the client to envision the many possibilities of a happy life, including a happy life without sexual desire or sexual attraction or sex at all. “I’m not going to just assume that you’d be a happier person if you wanted sex. That’s ridiculous,” Kauppi told me. The key is to figure out what clients truly want versus what they think they should want, and then keep digging. “Sometimes, people will say, ‘I wish sex were on my list but it’s not,’” Kauppi said, “and I would say, ‘Well, it’s interesting that you wish it were. I’m curious to know what that’s about.’”

Some people decide that they’re fine the way they are. Others decide that they do want to cultivate desire—the difference is that it no longer feels like something they must do in order to be “normal.” And accepting all levels of desire doesn’t mean ignoring the stresses that a desire discrepancy can cause in relationships. For couples, the purpose of sex therapy that doesn’t pathologize low desire isn’t to hide the conflict or to blame the higher-desire partner instead. It’s to acknowledge that two people will always have different wants but no one is at fault, and to see what compromise is possible from there.

Such an approach has made a big difference for Lisa, a library associate in Washington, D.C., (who uses she/they pronouns and requested that I use their first name only). Lisa says their sex therapist never tries to dispute their asexuality but does help them work on the challenges that can come with being ace: how to bring up asexuality with people they’re dating, how to become more comfortable with different kinds of touch that they do want, how to talk about consent in a helpful and intuitive way.

Although awareness has increased around asexuality as an orientation, discussions often lack depth or nuance. Furthermore, sexuality experts are still only beginning to challenge the broader idea that not wanting sex is a problem. “If I’m completely honest,” Ev’Yan Whitney told me, “in my work, I’ve never explicitly said or felt safe to claim that, actually, I experience sex in a different way. I do have low desire.” Playing into others’ perceptions felt necessary in order to be respected as a sex educator, even though Whitney felt frustrated by the tone of many sexuality events, which she describes as: “To masturbate, do this; to have a better orgasm, use this yoni egg, try this warming lube.”

Over time, Whitney developed a framework that prioritizes sensuality for its own sake (and not as a means to penetrative sex) and that focuses on the desire someone actually has, not what they are supposed to have. Though she feels guilty about not presenting asexuality as an option to past clients, she hopes she still helped them by moving them away from sex tips that were goal-oriented without questioning the value of the goal.

Now that Whitney knows herself better, she wants to be an example of a sex educator who advocates for a more expansive understanding of desire and connection. She’s excited to talk with other educators and with clients about being an ace person who does have sex, about having low desire and still feeling good in her body, and about not caring what “caused” her to be this way. “I kind of want to make people confused a little bit,” she says.

Sexuality is complicated, multifaceted, and often shifting. Activists and educators have shaped culture so that options beyond straight, monogamous, vanilla sex feel more acceptable. But true sexual freedom must both celebrate consensual sex for those who want it and avoid pathologizing those who are not interested. This means allowing people to experiment without making sexual attraction or desire a requirement for health or happiness or a good life. For sexuality experts, understanding and accepting lack of desire should be as worthwhile a project as cultivating desire. Nobody is frigid; nobody is broken.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything You Need to Know About Orgasmic Yoga

by Gabrielle Kassel

If you like sushi and you like burritos, odds are you’ll like sushi burritos. Using similar logic, it’s a good guess that, if you enjoy orgasming and practicing yoga, you’ll like orgasmic yoga.

Yep, orgasmic yoga is a thing. Read on to learn what it is, plus if it actually involves having a big O.

Orgasmic yoga is an explorative practice that uses arousal to help connect people to their inner sexuality through:

  • yoga
  • breathwork
  • pelvic floor contractions
  • burlesque
  • belly dancing

“The whole thing is a sensual, orgasmic practice that stimulates sexual energy through hip movements and core engagement,” explains Gabriel Isadora, the legacy owner of OYoga, an orgasmic yoga provider.

Orgasmic yoga — sometimes known as orgasm yoga, yogasm, OYoga, and orgasmic meditation — may sound like some new age gimmick. But the practice (primarily) stems from Shakti yoga.

In Hindu, Shakti means power, or feminine energy. Shakti yoga is a practice that revolves around helping you harness inner feminine power, primarily through movement.

According to Isadora, the practice also incorporates some Kundalini yoga.

“Kundalini yoga, like orgasmic yoga, is all about breathwork, activating sexual energy, and connecting with your inner chakras,” he says.

No, but the two practices are similar.

Like orgasmic yoga, tantric yoga combines yoga poses with breathwork, meditation, and occasionally chakra work and chanting.

The main difference is that the goal of orgasmic yoga is (usually) embodiment, empowerment, and orgasm, while the goal of tantric yoga is (usually) embodiment, empowerment, and pleasure.

“When OYoga becomes a partnered experience, you can see more of the connection to tantra because you’ll see positions like Yab Yum incorporated,” says Isadora.

(Yab Yum, if you don’t know, is the iconic tantric position.)

Sometimes the terms “orgasmic yoga” and “orgasmic meditation” are used interchangeably, but they’re two (very!) different practices.

While orgasmic yoga is primarily done as a solo, clothed practice, orgasmic meditation is most commonly done partnered and unclothed.

More specifically, orgasmic meditation usually involves someone receiving direct genital stroking from someone else and orgasmic yoga does not.

“The main goal of orgasmic yoga is to stimulate sexual energy and become sexually empowered,” Isadora says. “People also have had orgasms while doing orgasmic yoga, though that’s not the first goal.”

Yogasm (that’s yoga + orgasm) are just as they sound: orgasms that happen amidst a yoga practice.

And, yes, they’re real.

These are usually the same kind of orgasms as exercise-induced orgasms or coregasms, says Debby Herbenick, PhD, a professor at Indiana University School of Public Health and the author of “The Coregasm Workout: The Revolutionary Method for Better Sex Through Exercise.”

These orgasms, she explains, usually occur in response to core-demanding exercises. That’s because the pelvic floor muscles are part of the core, and some research shows that orgasms are essentially just lots of little pelvic floor contractions.

“We don’t know how exactly coregasm works, but there seems to be something about exhausting the core muscles that heightens chances of coregasm for a subset of people,” she adds.

Because many yoga poses are demanding on the core, it’s possible for someone to orgasm while doing them.

Because people of all genders and genitals have pelvic floor muscles, people of all genders and genitals can have a yogasm, Herbenick says.

If having an orgasm is your goal, Herbenick recommends focusing on core-demanding postures.

For example:

“We don’t really hear from people having coregasms from just one or two crunches or Roman chair leg lifts, but we often do from 50 or 100,” she says. “So one way to increase [your] likelihood of orgasming is by increasing the number of reps.”

Another option is to do more exercises that really use the core, like chin-ups and pull-ups.

“For [these] it may take fewer reps, because they’re so much more demanding on the core, and therefore can more quickly exhaust the muscle,” she says.

It depends.

According to Herbenick, many people who can have coregasms and yogasms don’t actually want to. Why? Because it can be messy! Especially for those who squirt or ejaculate.

“Of course some people do enjoy having them,” she says. “Everyone has to find their own path.”

No worries.

“Exploring how you can maneuver your body in new and pleasurable ways is reward enough,” Herbenick says.

And, of course, if you want to you can always try again.

The best way to find an orgasmic yoga provider near you is by asking Google. Search “Orgasmic yoga near me” or “orgasmic yoga in [insert city here].”

You might also look into some online orgasmic yoga providers. For example:

You can also practice on your own with the help of “Orgasmic Yoga: Masturbation, Meditation, and Everything In Between” by Martha Tara Lee, DHS.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is Death Grip

—And What Can You Do About It?

By Gigi Engle

If you haven’t heard of “death grip” among people who masturbate, you’re probably not alone. While many people (especially those with penises) have experienced this common phenomenon, not many have the language to explain the behavior and side effects.

Hence why I, a certified sex educator, am here to fill in the knowledge gaps the vast majority of people currently have. (Thanks for nothing, Random Gym Teacher who taught us how to put a condom on a banana and traumatized us with pictures of genital warts.)

Why We Call It “Death Grip”

Firstly, it’s important to say that there is nothing wrong with masturbation. It is a healthy expression of human sexuality that should be celebrated as normal and OK. Opening the door for a discussion of death grip does not mean we’re suddenly anti-masturbation.

The term “death grip” was originally coined in 2003 by the legendary sex columnist Dan Savage. (Savage was also the first person to use the word “pegging”—that’s when a cisgender man is anally penetrated by someone wearing a strap-on or dildo.) Death grip is not an official medical diagnosis; it’s just a common term for a recognized phenomenon, and it has many causes that need to be identified for the greater good.

Accredited psychosexual and relationship psychotherapist Silva Neves tells TheBody that death grip happens when “men [or people with penises] are masturbating with a strong grip and become used to feeling sensation and pleasure with that kind of hard friction only.”

The (very dramatic) “death” bit comes from the indirect effects of such a tight grip: You become so used to the feeling of your hand holding your penis in a strong, tight way (usually without lube, let’s be real) that your penis has trouble responding to other forms of sexual stimulation.

Now, don’t get too worked up about the scary name and description. Death grip is a very common occurrence—and there are ways around it.

If you’ve experienced (or are currently experiencing) issues with staying hard or ejaculating during partnered sex because of death grip, there are ways to adjust your behavior, re-learn how to feel different sensations, and move on. No amount of furious hand-sex will cause permanent damage.

Why Does Death Grip Happen?

When you constantly, persistently masturbate with your hand, the body starts to become habituated to this routine. Death grip is basically all about consistent, intense stimulation.

This is not limited to one’s hands. If you’re someone who furiously humps mattresses, pillows, or other rough surfaces as your sole form of masturbation, you may also fall into a death grip pattern.

According to Neves, when your body is hella used to getting off from a tight AF grip, you can start to experience “erection problems due to not feeling enough sensation or pleasure with a partner, because the grip of the mouth or vagina is not as strong, or has gentler friction.” This goes for buttholes as well.

Does this sound like you? Because to me, it sure sounds like it applies to the zillions of penis owners around the world who haven’t had comprehensive sex education. I reckon that it is happening all over Planet Earth right now, as you’re reading this. And research shows that those who get a lot of pleasure from masturbation will continue the behavior as habits become deeply ingrained.

So, if you are someone who is experiencing sexual concerns due to death grip, what can you do?

Death Grip Treatment: Technique and Mindfulness Are Hugely Important

Masturbation is not addictive, but it can become a problem in certain contexts. If you’re masturbating intensely, in a certain way, over and over again for your whole life, your sexual patterns can become habituated. Your body is not broken or “addicted” to masturbation; it just doesn’t know how to respond sexually to anything else.

Ty David Lerman, a psychotherapist and certified sex therapist, talked to TheBody about the use of systematic desensitization to address this. You “gradually wean off the specific behavior and introduce new ways of being stimulated; because the type of specific masturbation varies widely, the way to desensitize would also vary,” he explains. “To get the most tailored approach, seeking out a sex therapist is highly recommended.”

If you’re not ready for professional intervention, you can also try some at-home techniques to make progress on your own. This is where technique and mindfulness come into play.

Kenneth Play, a sex hacker and international sex expert, tells TheBody that there is a twofold solution available:

  1. Changing up your masturbation routine.
  2. Introducing mindfulness into your practice.

“This might involve taking a break from porn and fantasizing to just focus on the sensations in your body,” he says. “To truly get in touch with the body, sometimes we need to give the mind a break from the intense stimulation we are used to giving it as well, and use that time to really pay attention and zone in, rather than zoning out in front of a screen.”

The Bigger Picture: Death Grip and How Our Society Treats Masturbation

The bigger social issue with death grip is that it is psychologically dangerous for lots of young penis-owning (and clit-owning) people out there who will walk into the world of real sex and wonder why their penis or clitoris isn’t responding the way they want it to.

This can have all kinds of effects on sexual self-esteem, leading to a possible reduction in social-sexual experiences and more masturbation. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves you in the throes of death grip, without solutions.

And this is why education is so crucial.

While technique and mindfulness will always be important in order to fully experience one’s entire pleasure potential—we are creatures who enjoy variety, after all—so many of the issues caused by death grip could be avoided if we just gave young people access to comprehensive sex education.

As we’ve previously covered on TheBody, comprehensive sex education is so important to our overall well-being that it has the potential to aid in trauma reduction when we’re adults. “Human sexuality is as varied as there are humans,” Lerman says. “Everyone is different on many levels.”

If we universally accepted that masturbation was normal, healthy, and OK; if we educated kids about what porn actually is (and isn’t) instead of allowing it to be their default sex education; if we opened up a door for curious young people to ask questions about sex in a safe and open way—well, there’s no way to measure the positive effects all of this would have on society as a whole.

Masturbation is not bad. You are not bad. Our educational systems are flawed, and we all deserve better. And don’t worry: With some work and perseverance, you can leave death grip behind, and your sex life will flourish. Hang in there, buckaroo.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How has the pandemic changed dating?

Here’s 7 tips for getting back out there.

By Lisa Bonos

The coronavirus pandemic flipped the dating world upside-down. Instead of the traditional after-work drink, singles experimented with virtual dates and masked walks. Any physical touch, even a hug, required a conversation first. Many daters self-quarantined for weeks just to have a meal inside with someone.

It was a lot of work, but those rigid covid-19 dating rules did provide a framework for seeking romance during a pandemic.

Now that about half of American adults are fully vaccinated, the traditional in-person first date is returning and many of us are clueless. “How to date” was the most searched phrase in D.C. last week, according to Google. Nationally, searches related to how to date are at a five-year high.

Is the video date still necessary? How do you seem interesting on a first date after being confined to the couch for the past 16 months? Is it okay to ask about someone’s vaccine status?

We spoke with singles and dating experts about how to adapt what we learned from covid dating to the new normal. Here are seven tips for getting back out there.

1. Virtual dates are still a thing. Even though she’s vaccinated and bars are open again, Julia Capeloto, a 39-year-old marketing executive in San Francisco, still insists on video dates before most in-person meetups. It helps her gauge someone’s personality and whether there’s physical attraction. That’s one pandemic habit she’s keeping.

“Before covid, I wasted my time on so many bad first dates,” Capeloto says. Lately, there have been “far fewer bad first dates because I’ve been able to talk to them before.”

2. Be upfront with your date and slow down. Having honest conversations with a potential partner has always been important, but the pandemic made such talks even more essential. Capeloto has noticed that her matches are more upfront about what they are seeking — a relationship, something casual or undecided. She’s found that directness refreshing and hopes it will stick around.

Capeloto says covid dating has also taught her to slow down. “You don’t need to go on two dates in one week with someone new. Take your time, get to know them,” she says. “At the end of the date, think about: Do I want to see this person again or am I just lonely and I want some companionship?”

3. Find a way to talk about your values. During the pandemic, asking how seriously someone was taking the coronavirus and social distancing rules gave us a shortcut to assess whether our values meshed. Some daters may feel lost without such clear litmus tests.

Alison Wellington, a dating and relationship coach in Brooklyn, suggests making a list of what you’re looking for in partner — no more than six nonnegotiable character traits. “If you don’t have a clear vision as to what you’re looking for in a partner, it’s going to be difficult for you to find it,” Wellington says.

Before a date, think about how to judge if someone has the qualities you’re looking for. If you’re seeking someone family-oriented, for example, Wellington suggests asking your date about their childhood, or how often they see or talk to their family

And conversations about vaccination status and covid anxiety are still relevant, she says. Even if both parties are vaccinated, Wellington says, it’s still a good idea to ask about what precautions your date still takes against the coronavirus. Basic questions about whether someone prefers indoor or outdoor dining “speak volumes to this person’s ability to be respectful and thoughtful with this person’s boundaries,” she said.

4. Keep the work talk to a minimum. Long before covid, matchmakers often emphasized that dates shouldn’t feel like networking dinners. After all, you’re auditioning someone for the role of romantic lead, not head of marketing. “If you start to go career-y on your dates, you’re friend-zoning. You’re taking the sex out. You want to talk about other things, like travel, hobbies and interests,” Patti Stanger, former host of the Bravo reality show “The Millionaire Matchmaker,” said in an interview. Try asking someone about the last book they read, concert or comedy show they attended — or what kinds of things they do with their friends. That way you can learn about the rest of their life, the part you might be spending with them.

5. Be curious about your date. Logan Ury, the director of relationship science at Hinge, has a motto: “Be interested, not interesting.” A lot of people try to entertain their dates by telling their funniest stories or talking about the cool trips they’ve been on. “But good dates are about connecting with another person, not showing off,” Ury writes in her book “How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love.” Ury suggests being an active listener, which can make somebody feel “interesting, desired and appreciated.”

How do you do that? Aim for “support” responses, Ury said in an interview, rather than returning the focus of the conversation back to you. If your date adopted a puppy during the pandemic, for example, ask why they chose the breed they did, or how the puppy training went — instead of telling them how badly you want a pooch. “By asking those support responses,” Ury says, “that person gets to dig into their own responses and that makes them feel really good in a conversation.”

6. Go ahead and be vulnerable on a first date. The heaviness of the pandemic had a way of stripping away any pretenses, making it harder for people to hide their true selves and easier to be open about their struggles.

This reporter has channeled that vulnerability into post-vaccinated dating. Recently on a first date, I erupted into tears over margaritas and appetizers — emotional spillover from a tough conversation I’d had earlier that day. My date handled it like a champ, moving to a seat closer to me, taking my hand and encouraging me to let it all out. He barely knew me, and yet his response was mature, accepting and understanding. It was as if we had been together for months. By the time we said goodbye, we both knew we wanted see each other again.

Being vulnerable doesn’t have to involve bursting into tears. Try asking your date about their toughest moments or who they leaned on most during the pandemic. People want to find somebody they connect with, and “being vulnerable is the way that you establish intimacy, through reciprocal self-disclosure,” Lehmiller says, adding that such openness “makes it more likely that something is going to arise out of that.”

7. Follow up. Lately, I’ve received some extremely thoughtful post-date messages telling me that it was nice to meet but that we’re not a match. In fact, Hinge’s Ury says the dating app’s users have reported that ghosting appears to be down these days. Writing a kind and respectful text thanking someone for their time, and highlighting one positive thing you gleaned about them, honors the time and energy you both put into meeting up.

Harrison Forman, a 29-year-old comedian and producer in New York, knows how it feels to be ghosted, so if he’s sensing a “friend vibe” after a first date, he politely makes that clear. The dating scene feels more direct these days, Forman says, with a no-loose-ends energy in the air. “You can’t come out of covid and live the same life.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Women in relationships ‘more likely to struggle with depression and self-esteem’

by Danielle Sinay

Today in not especially uplifting news, we’re sorry to report that people tend to get sadder and less confident as their romantic relationships progress.  And while such is the case for all people, it’s especially common for women and those who are married.

A recent report titled “Subjective well-being across partnerships,” published in the June 2021 issue of the Journal of Family Psychology, found that while people of all genders tend to get more depressed as their romantic relationships progress, women continually reported doing much worse than their male counterparts in terms of mental well-being — primarily those in heterosexual partnerships.

The report, conducted by Matthew D. Johnson of the University of Alberta and German colleagues Franz J. Neyer and Christine Finn, analysed levels of life satisfaction, depressive symptoms, and self-esteem in 554 German people in romantic relationships. They sought out to survey a diverse group of all ages, and couples in various stages of romantic relationships: Some were in their teens and casually dating, while others were older, established and married. The oldest participant was 41 years old, however, and just one percent were in same-sex relationships.

Johnson’s results didn’t point to many happily ever afters.

Per the study, simply being a woman “predicted worse initial subjective well-being,” as well as a larger decrease in their general well-being as their romantic relationships progressed. It also found an overall decrease in self-esteem and symptoms of depression running parallel to the relationship’s progression, much more-so than men in relationships had reported.

But, there is hope for feminism after all — the study found that everyone felt worse while coupled up.

Indeed, the first set of findings concluded that all halves of relationships felt worse about their lives and themselves after about a year in a relationship, regardless of whether they were a teen casually dating or married in their thirties. Per the findings, “subjective well-being worsened” for all genders, and people in partnerships consistently reported a a reduction in self-esteem while their depression symptoms increased. What fun.

Not all relationship-induced-depression is created, equal, however, as one other group who suffered more than the rest. The report also found that being “older” (though again, the oldest person surveyed was 41 years old) and married predicts over all worse well-being, as those who had tied the knot reported feeling much less satisfied with their lives than those who were still living together or only dating. Those living in holy matrimony also reported far more self esteem issues than their unmarried peers.

And yes, these symptoms remained consistently worse for married women than married men.

Our prayers are with all wedding planners at this time. And married women.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The 7 best lesbian sex positions for breathtaking and monumental orgasms

The best lesbian sex positions will spice up your sex life

By

Trying out the best lesbian sex positions could take your sex life to a whole new level. Expect pleasure, intimacy, and mind-blowing orgasms with our expert-approved positions.

When it comes to lesbian sex, there’s a lot more to it than both partners just using their favorite vibrator. But, with so little education on queer sex available from traditional sex education sources, many people who identify as women find it difficult to define what counts as sex when hooking up with people of the same gender.

In most cases, sex education is heteronormative and takes a gender binary perspective which can be exclusionary of queer sex and lesbian sex. “Our first formal ideas about sex are that sex is when a man puts his penis in a woman’s vagina. This excludes anyone who is not a heterosexual cisgender person and creates a restrictive view of what sex is,” says Isabelle Uren, an expert at sex blog Bed Bible.

When we approach sex from a non-biased perspective, things become clearer. Sexual Health Doctor Dr. Eleanor Draeger says, “I would define any activity that could pass on a Sexually Transmitted Infection as sex. Which means that vaginal sex, anal sex and oral sex all count as lesbian sex, as does penetration with something other than a penis, such as fingers, or a sex toy.”

There are plenty of myths about lesbian sex that also might affect what women having sex with other women think are the best sex positions. The most prevalent is that scissoring or tribbing AKA the act of rubbing one’s vulva against someone else’s is the only way to enjoy lesbian sex. Followed by the idea that in order to enjoy sex fully, one person must assume the role of ‘the man.’

Lesbian sex or sex between two people who identify as women is far more varied and enjoyable than the myths suggest. “There’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to sex,” says Patricia, Co-Founder of sex toy company Vibio. “The best lesbian sex positions are those that are comfortable and allow our bodies to relax and focus on the sensations.”

It’s all about trying different positions and finding out the one that works for you. And this is where the fun begins!

Best sex positions for blended orgasms

“The key to blended orgasms is simple,” says Patricia. “A good mix of internal and external stimulation.” If you use rabbit vibrators, you’ll be familiar with blended orgasms. They are caused by a mix of stimulation to different areas of the body and are considered by experts to be the most intense type of orgasm.

Clitoral and internal stimulation from penetration is the most widely known combination, but blended orgasms can also come from anal penetration or nipple stimulation, amongst others. “Not everyone will be able to have a blended orgasm,” says Dr. Draeger. “But the best way to achieve one would be to get yourself into a position where you and/or your partner can stimulate more than one of the erogenous zones at the same time.”

1. MISSIONARY

How to do it: Whether we’re talking hetero or lesbian sex positions, missionary is a timeless classic for a reason. The receiving partner can relax and focus on the sensations, and the giving partner in top also has easy access to their partner’s vulva.

Why it’s great: The missionary position is great for manual clitoral stimulation, oral sex, or penetrative sex with fingers or a dildo, depending on what both partners feel comfortable with.

Make it sexier: Try propping up the receiver with a pillow or wedge for easier access to the receiver’s vulva and deeper penetration for access to the g-spot. The receiving partner lies on their back with their hips propped up while the giving partner lies between their partner’s legs and stimulates the whole vulva, including the labia and clitoris. When ready, they can insert their fingers or a dildo into their partner’s vagina. To maximize g-spot stimulation, they can use a ‘come here’ motion on the front wall of their partner’s vagina.

2. SIDEWAYS 69

How to do it: The 69 but not as you know it. In fact, this variation is much more comfortable for all involved. Instead of one partner being on top, both partners lie on their sides, facing opposite directions with their legs open. Using lips and tongues to stimulate the whole vulva during oral sex.

Why it’s great: “There’s a reason the 69 is sex position royalty. There’s something so crazily arousing about the responsiveness of this position—the more pleasure you feel, the more intensely you pleasure your partner,” says Patricia.

Make it sexier: A modified 69 position is perfect for kissing, licking, and nibbling breasts and nipples. Align your mouths with each other’s vulvas, breasts, and stomachs using hands for added sensation.

“For additional stimulation, use one of the best lubes to help your fingers glide over your partner’s clitoris. Experiment with different movements and pressures, such as tapping or circling the clitoris and consider using clitoral suction vibrators that stimulate the internal and external parts of the clitoris on your partner or for mutual masturbation,” says Isabelle.

Best sex positions for clitoral orgasms

Anyone with a vulva can pursue a clitoral orgasm and there are some key positions that can help achieve this, regardless of whether you want to know how to have an orgasm alone or with a partner, manually or with toys.

While most clitoral orgasms typically require no penetration it’s worth noting that a clitoral orgasm can be achieved in various ways. Many people believe the clitoris is just the glans—the part that protrudes from the top of the vulva. The clitoris is actually a much larger organ.

“Typically, the first third of the vaginal canal is the most sensitive. It is the one surrounded by the bulbs and legs of the clitoris so you’ll be stimulating the clitoral cluster just by staying a couple of centimeters in. Any position that allows you to combine this with direct stimulation of the clitoris is a winner for clitoral orgasms,” says Patricia.

“The best way to know what works for you in terms of how to have an orgasm is to practice on yourself first so that you can communicate effectively with any sexual partners you might have in the future,” says Dr. Draeger.

3. CLASSIC COWGIRL

How to do it: The classic Cowgirl position, AKA one person lying down while the other is seated on top of them, can be one of the most enjoyable lesbian sex positions. Begin by straddling your partner and moving as you would as if using your hands to masturbate while seated. Then use your hips to grind together and stimulate your vulva and your partners’.

Why it’s great: This position allows the person on top to control the speed, pressure and intensity. As they are in control, the person on top can relax into the sensation without feeling uncomfortable. If you’re capable of achieving multiple orgasms, this is also the perfect position to attempt a few in a row.

Make it sexier: Introduce a toy that stimulates both partners, such as a double-ended dildo. Some find adding penetration too intense in this position, so remember that you can experiment with sensation using toys like nipple clamps, handcuffs, and silky ties too and with stimulation by simply introducing dirty talk, kissing, and touching.

4. FACESITTING OR QUEENING

How to do it: In this position, the receiving partner kneels with their knees on either side of their partner’s face while their partner performs oral sex and uses their hands to caress their partner’s thighs and butt.

Why it’s great: “The receiving partner has more control over the pace and rhythm, as they can rock their hips back and forth—a motion that can also increase the chance of orgasm. The receiving partner can also use their hands to massage their breasts and nipples. That’s a whole lot of stimulation,” says Isabelle.

Make it sexier: Introducing some consensual bondage for beginners can take this position to new heights. Experiment with restricting movement or tying hands using ropes, silky restraints or handcuffs. Or add blindfolds and collars and leashes to control how you and your partner move while in this position.

Best sex positions for body conscious women

Regardless of who you’re hooking up with, whether your sex is with a partner, a stranger you met on one of the best lesbian dating apps or a friend, being intimate comes with its drawbacks. People who identify as female often struggle with body image issues during sex and for many, the prevalence of mainstream porn has a lot to do with how we perceive our own bodies. While ethical porn for women can help with how women see their bodies, it can take time and awareness to overcome body-conscious feelings.

If you are don’t feel as attractive as your partner, this can affect your ability to enjoy sex. Likewise, if you struggle with a chronic pain condition or physical disability, it’s important to remember that pleasure and closeness are what’s important here, not how you look.

“Lesbian sex is not a performance, it can be as intimate and explorative as we want it to be,” says Patricia. “It’s important to remember that if someone is having sex with you, it’s because they find you attractive. The best positions are those that make your body feel good, not look good.”

5. SPOONS

How to do it: Add a sexy twist to the much-loved spooning position. “Spooning is fantastic for breast and clitoral stimulation either manually or with a vibrator or for penetration with a strap-on,” says Isabelle.

Why it’s great: This position can feel safer than positions where you feel your body is more on show and therefore is good for people who are concerned about their bodies being on display. It’s also great for creating intimacy and slow, mindful tantric sex.

Make it sexier: Adding your favorite sex toy, such as a strap-on or vibrator, can be a gamechanger in this position. With your and your partners’ hands free to explore, use multiple toys for a range of stimulation and spend as much time as you like lying comfortably together.

6. KNEELING SPOONS

How to do it: If you’d like to take spooning to a new level, try kneeling while spooning. While both kneeling, the giving partner can reach around to stimulate their partner’s clitoris with their fingers or a vibrator. The receiving partner can also rock back and forth, grinding their clitoris against their partner’s hand.

Why it’s great: The biggest issue with spooning while lying down is that one arm is always partially restricted so this modification allows for much more freedom. This position creates intense closeness and plenty of opportunities to use fingers and toys for extra sensation.

Make it sexier: Position your partner between your body and a wall so you can control the intensity of your movements and restrict theirs. With your partner facing the wall you can kiss their neck, whisper into their ear and press their body firmly against the surface in front while you grind against them. You can also hold their hands in place against the wall if you’re both comfortable with doing so.

7. ON ALL FOURS

How to do it: For two people with vulvas, one person kneels on all fours and the other applies pressure to the receiver’s erogenous zones from behind. This can be with hands, their mouth or with toys. Whether you opt for external stimulation, penetration of the vagina or the anus or all three is totally up to you. Just be sure to go slow as this can be a vulnerable position for the receiver.

Why it’s great: “Often, on-top positions can be more intimidating if you feel self-conscious about your weight, so going for positions that highlight the parts of your body you feel confident about is always more enjoyable,” says Isabelle.

“Positions where your partner stimulates you from behind, give them a great view of your butt while giving you more coverage of the front of your body if that is what you prefer. You can also use furniture and props to help you feel more supported, such as on all fours with pillows underneath you or leaning over a kitchen counter or chair.”

Make it sexier: There are so many ways to make the all-fours position sexier, from having the receiver hold a body wand vibrator against their own clitoris to using toys like ticklers, crops and floggers for gentle to more intense stimulation. The excitement is in trusting your partner whilst not knowing what might come next.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Oral Sex Positions to Boost Intimacy and Pleasure

Turns out, “34+35” is just one of the hottest oral sex positions out there.

By Maressa Brown

Hot vax summer is here — so what better time to get more creative as we get back to getting it on? Sure, the same old vanilla sex positions are a great fall-back, but we’d argue this sultry season is the perfect moment to switch up how you’re giving and receiving pleasure.

Not only can exploring different sex positions help you to connect with your sexuality, but experimenting with oral sex can also be very useful for people who want to engage in sexual activity but for whom penetrative sex is not an option, due to personal preference, pain, trauma, or other reasons, says Casey Tanner, a certified sex therapist and expert for LELO.

“A person’s genitalia, for many, is one of the most intimate and personal parts of the body,” adds Tanner. “Consenting to your partner’s face being up close and personal with your genitals can, for some, open up a line of communication and trust in your partner that breeds intimacy.”

Plus, because research shows that some 70% of people with vulvas need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm, experimenting with different oral sex can increase the likelihood of discovering positions that make orgasm easier to achieve, explains Tanner.

Here, six expert-approved oral sex positions that’ll help you take advantage of all these steamy benefits.

1. 69

69, otherwise referred to as “34+35” by one Ariana Grande, is one of the most popular, classic oral sex positions for a reason. “This position, in which two partners perform oral sex on each other, often simultaneously, can be very fun and intimate,” says Tanner.

While the classic positioning involves one partner lying on their back while the other lies on top of them, there are many variations. One of the most popular: lying on your sides, facing one another, while performing oral sex. “A benefit of this variation is it allows you to look at your partner more easily,” says Tanner. She points out that finding the best version of this position for you and your partner will be an individual experience, as the body types and body sizes of each partner are unique.

It’s also easy to add toys — think dildos, wands, ticklers — to your 69 experience to switch things up, offering you a break from using your mouth, and boost pleasure.

Kristine D’Angelo, clinical sexologist and certified sex coach, adds more words of wisdom: “People either love or hate doing 69 because it’s a position that doesn’t allow for one receiver to really enjoy the experience without putting effort in themselves. So, my suggestion is to figure out which partner loves the vantage point of their partner’s butt in their face and which partner wants to offer that view to their partner.”

2. Edge of the Bed

While oral sex positions that involve both you and your partner lying down put you on an equal playing field, you might want to experiment with this position, in which one partner is standing while the other is lying down, creating a sexy new power dynamic.

“While there are many ways to involve standing, one way to get creative with oral is to have one partner lie on the edge of a bed — or any other stable surface — with their head positioned at the edge of the bed, face towards the ceiling,” explains Tanner.

Then, the other partner stands over their mouth, so they can perform oral sex on them. “One of the reasons this position is enjoyable for some partners is that it provides a different shape for the tongue, mouth and/or throat to be used in oral sex,” explains Tanner.

3. Kneeling 

Getting down on one knee — or both — isn’t just for proposing. And it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable crouching in front of your partner either. D’Angelo recommends that the receiving partner sit on the edge of the bed, sink, or a countertop, ideally on top of pillows or something else to cushion the surface, while the giver puts pillows down on the floor to pad their knees.

The giver can then wrap their hands around their partner’s hips as they give oral pleasure. “In this position, you can pull their hips toward your face,” says D’Angelo.

This position can be comfortable for both partners — and provide ample access to both the genitals and anal areas.

4. Standing Oral

In this position, either partner can stand, perhaps with their back up against a wall or counter, while the giver is on their knees in front of them. If you’re a vulva owner, you can stand with one leg up on your partner’s shoulder, creating space for them to pleasure you orally, advises D’Angelo.

The benefit: Being able to see your partner from this vantage point can be empowering for both parties — and offer a different sensation than when you’re lying down.

5. Face-Sitting

Another position that puts one partner in the “driver’s seat” of the experience involves “sitting” over your partner’s face. “It’s not exactly literal,” points out D’Angelo. “Your partner needs air, so it’s more of a light bouncing or grinding that happens on the face.”

Nonetheless, Tanner says that many partners enjoy face-sitting because of the power exchange and intensity of the position.

The flip side of that intensity is that you’ll want to be thoughtful when initiating face-sitting. “Like any sexual activity, the first and most important step in having a great sexual experience is getting enthusiastic consent from your partner,” notes Tanner. “If you and/or your partner are interested in face-sitting, which is the act of sitting on your partner’s face while they perform oral on you — or vice versa — sometimes fantasizing or imagining yourself in that position can help you determine if you want to try it.” 

Once you’ve made the decision to try it, talk it through with your partner. D’Angelo recommends tackling the following questions:

  • What will it feel like? 
  • How do you want me to position myself? 
  • When will I know you want me to stop? 

Tanner adds that it can be helpful to create a “safe gesture” — like a hand squeeze or three taps on the knee — to employ when one partner wants to stop.

6. Doggystyle

In this position, one partner gets on their hands and knees while the other partner performs oral from behind, explains Tanner.

This can be a helpful position for any giving partner who has jaw or neck pain since you can control the height of the receiving partner’s bottom half giving extended access, explains D’Angelo.

Tanner adds that doggystyle oral is a fantastic opportunity to stimulate the vulva as well as the perineum — the area of skin that connects the genitals (regardless of if the genitals are a penis, vulva, or otherwise) to the anus — and anus. “Not surprisingly, the perineum and anus can be quite pleasurable to stimulate because of the pelvic floor muscles and nerve endings that exist there,” she notes. “In fact, for people who have vulvas/vaginas, the perineum and anus contain the lower parts of the clitoral system!”

The first step to trying this with your partner: Start out with gentle touching or massaging of the area with fingers or mouths, advises Tanner.

The Bottom Line On Trying New Oral Sex Positions

When experimenting with new oral sex positions, it’s important to remember that every individual is different and responds to oral sex positions differently, notes Tanner. Ultimately, you’ll want to discuss your own and your partner’s likes, dislikes, and curiosities around oral sex — all of which can be valuable intel for determining the best position for you.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Is Sexercise Actually a Thing?

by Gabrielle Kassel

Despite what mainstream porn might have you believe, folks of all body shapes, sizes, fitness levels, and abilities can have great sex.

“There are plenty of pleasurable sexual activities and sex positions that don’t require a ton of strength, mobility, or stamina that are still intimate and orgasmic,” says clinical sexologist Megan Stubbs, EdD, the author of “Playing Without a Partner: A Singles’ Guide to Sex, Dating, and Happiness.”

The key to great sex is communication (and, TBH, lube).

However, some 2008 researchTrusted Source suggests exercise can make sex feel better. So, if you’re looking for moves that’ll get your body ready for a roll in the hay, consider sexercise.

Sexercise is a workout routine that’s designed to improve your sex life.

Made up of a series of strength and cardiovascular movements that can boost stamina, strength, flexibility, and pelvic floor tone — specifically for bedroom activities — sexercise is said to make sex last longer and more pleasurable.

Colloquially, sexercise is sometimes used to name sex that’s so active and high intensity that it seems like it should qualify as a workout.

But, here, we are talking about the former, more official, definition.

Celebrity trainer Jason Rosell is credited with taking the term mainstream in 2014 with the release of his song “#Sexercise” and subsequent workout album by the same name.

The vibe of the song is Rihanna music video meets Shaun T’s Insanity workout program meets a club in Miami where people are, uh, super hyped.

(For a sense of just how extra the #Sexercise routine is, check it out on YouTube).

As cheesy as the concept may seem, sexercise has a desirable objective: to give you the strength you need to be able to sustain positions, angles, and rhythms, and to bring you and your partner(s) the most pleasure for as long as you want.

“With proper training, certain sex positions that were previously difficult become possible and enjoyable,” says Rachel Sommer, PhD, the co-founder of My Sex Toy Guide, an online hub for sexual health and wellness content.

Consider the oh-so-popular missionary position for a second. The classic position requires the top partner to be in a high or forearm plank the entire time. As such, it’s common for the top partner’s arms to dictate how long the position is sustained.

Depending on the exact workout routine used, not to mention the anatomy of the person using it, “it’s possible for sexercise to allow you to carry on with sex for longer without premature ejaculation (PE),” she says.

Plus, exercise typically triggers a release of feel-good hormones and endorphins. So exercise, in addition to boosting your mood, can also heighten libido, making you more interested in sex, she says.

Generally, it’s best to think about the ways you enjoy having sex and strengthen the muscles that allow you to have it.

For example, if you enjoy masturbating standing up, you might want to strengthen your legs with movements, like:

Similarly, if you enjoy fisting your partner(s), but your shoulder gets tired halfway through, you might work toward boulder shoulders with a variety of press movements.

“Certain exercises, like planks, squats, lunges, and push-ups, help improve your strength, confidence, and endurance, all of which can make you better between the sheets,” Sommer says.

Yep! Core exercises, like the plank.

“Planks engage multiple muscles, ultimately powering your core and enhancing your flexibility,” Sommer says. “With consistency, planks can help you endure those uncomfortable but exciting sex positions you fancy.”

While a killer core move, planks can be painful for people with preexisting shoulder and wrist pain. For those folks, hollow holds are a good alternative.

No, Kegels aren’t an exercise *everyone* should be doing.

Kegels, which are common magazine fodder, involve contracting and then relaxing your pelvic floor muscles.

Overtime, when done correctly, Sommer says these exercises can improve sexual functioning, control PE, and even increase orgasm intensity.

Unfortunately, many people don’t have adequate pelvic floor awareness to do them correctly.

Rather than doing these movements willy-nilly, it’s best to get the green-light from a pelvic floor therapist or OB-GYN first.

Honestly, any ol’ exercise will do!

You don’t need to have sex on your mind while you exercise for the benefits of exercise to carry over into the bedroom.

“Really, any exercise is going to improve your performance in bed,” says certified sex educator Dainis Graveris, the founder and relationship expert at Sexual Alpha, a pleasure product ranking site.

Odds are, he says, that the workout routine you’re doing is going to improve:

These can all be tapped into during sex (no matter what sex looks like for you).

Nope! People of all fitness, flexibility, and strength levels can experience pleasurable sex.

Solid communication — not a sexercise routine — is the key to a pleasurable sex life, according to Sommer.

“Healthy communication during sex helps partners be more comfortable around each other,” she says. “Communicating also helps you learn more about each other’s desires and wants and connect better with your partner.”

Think adding sexercise to your life will enable you to experience more pleasure and fun in bed? Go forth and sweat for better sex!

But, ultimately, it’s not your fitness level that makes you good in bed, it’s your communication skills.

As Stubbs says, “even if you’re the fittest, most flexible, strongest person, if you can’t use your voice to communicate with your partner… the sex isn’t going to be any good.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Keeping a mindful sex journal can completely transform your sex life

By Tanyel Mustafa

Sex/Life is our latest Netflix show craze, and it’s got us thinking more about… ahem… our sex lives. There are plenty of ways to enhance yours – be it through toys or new positions – but how do you know what’s actually working best for you? This is where a sex diary can help. No, seriously – hear us out.

Maybe you’re in a relationship and after the initial buzz of lockdown sex died down (come on, what else did we have to do in quarantine?, your sex life has a got a little less exciting. Or maybe things with your SO are seriously longterm, and you’re looking for a way to spice things up. And even if you’re looking to document your own solo pleasure, there’s benefits here too in keeping a sex diary.

Ultimately, it’s for your own enjoyment and to get better acquainted with how you feel about your sex life. Here’s what you need to know.

Why should you keep a sex journal?

Journaling is often recommended as a way to go inwards, self-reflect or even to let worries and situations go. Depending on how you feel about your sex life, a journal can be a good way to do these things.

It might seem weird at first, given that the main window we have for talking about sex is drunkenly with a trusted friend, but think about how freeing it could be. How often do you share the nitty gritty details of your sex life? Let’s be real, real sex rarely is the way it looks on our screens (including you, Sex/Life). It’s easy to feel like your experiences aren’t “normal”, whatever that actually means.

Kate Moyle, sex and relationship expert at sexual wellness brand LELO tells us: “Journaling is a commonly used tool in therapy for externalising, building self-awareness and helping to reflect on experiences, thoughts and feelings.

“Writing to yourself in this way can also highlight to you where you might be placing certain judgements, assumptions or ideas, which when it comes to sex can have a really big impact on our sex lives and experiences. Writing them down either in the moment or returning to then can really highlight some of both the internal and external factors which might be impacting us sexually.”

A journal is a private way to dissect these thoughts, which might even make talking about them later with your partner or friend easier. Or just keep it for yourself – in a fun way, it’ll be like a little log of your sexual adventures.

Are their benefits for single people, too?

We’ve spent the last year in isolation, and for some single people, the idea of getting back out there sexually will be daunting. Kate says journaling can help you process your thoughts around sex, as well as the act itself.

“Processing, externalising and exploring our thoughts and feelings, particularly when it comes to sex which we might feel is more challenging to discuss with others, can give us a chance to work out where we are at and how we’re doing. We can get so caught up in the moment when it comes to sex, that we may need a bit of space in order to do this properly which sex can offer.

“How you use a sex journal is unique to you – it’s not prescriptive. For others it can also offer a form of self sex education, learning about themselves and what they like and don’t like in a way which doesn’t necessarily involve a partner,” she explains.

So, how do you start?

“Whenever you want to,” Kate says, but warns to not go in “immediately after sex as you also have your partner and their thoughts and feelings to respond to”. Doing this could create anxieties in them about what you’re writing – not ideal.

What should you keep in mind while writing?

The act of journaling is meant to be helpful in essence, rather than being yet another tool to self-criticise.

Kate says: “The aim of this type of journalling is not about judging performance or a way of assessing yourself, it’s a means of reflecting and being able to self-learn and process. Sex is a subjective experience but for too long we have been looking for objective ways to try and measure it to see how we are doing – and this is what journaling shouldn’t be about.

“It might be helpful to notice how you feel writing, and what comes up for you and to learn what’s working for you sexually and what isn’t. This isn’t just in terms of physically what you are doing but emotionally and psychologically where you’re at.

Should you look back over it?

That’s entirely down to you and will differ depending on how you’re using the journal. Some people won’t want to look back, others might even find some enjoyment in doing so.

As long as you’re using the journal in an uncompetitive way and as a “tool for learning”, Kate says it’ll likely help your sexual wellness. “When we feel that we know more, it can contribute to feeling more confident and when it comes to our sex lives this can be really positive,” Kate says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How To Know When To Walk Away From A Sexless Marriage

by Jessa Zimmerman, M.A.

One of the top issues that present in couples and sex therapy is a difference in levels of sexual desire. A discrepancy in desire is normal, but sometimes couples will struggle with conflict or avoidance around sex if they don’t manage that difference together. Sexless marriage, generally defined as having sex fewer than 10 times a year, is the extreme result of difficulty navigating sexual interest between two people.

A sexless marriage may be grounds for divorce for some people, depending on how important sex is to them and how much work has been put into solving the issue as a couple. Some couples rarely or never have sex, and both people are totally fine with that. There is no “normal” or “healthy” level of sexual desire or activity, so if it’s working for both people, there’s nothing to change or worry about. In a relationship where at least one person is unhappy with the lack of sex, there are many steps you can take to address undesired sexlessness within the marriage first before turning to divorce. As with so many other reasons to end a marriage, it’s worth trying to improve it first.

First and foremost, it’s important to consider the reasons for the lack of sex. If one person has become ill, disabled, or otherwise unable to be physically intimate, that’s very different from your partner being unwilling to engage with you sexually. Changes in sexual functioning can still allow physical intimacy, even if it doesn’t look like it used to. You may need to reevaluate your definition of what constitutes sex: If you only think about sex as being intercourse or penetrative sex, you are limiting the many types of sexual experiences you two could be enjoying together. Relatedly, the changes we face as we age and weather may mean we have to adjust our expectations. Those losses certainly should be grieved, but they can also be tolerated and supplemented with other satisfying sexual experiences.

You should also consider how the lack of sex in your marriage is related to other issues between you. When couples struggle to be kind to and supportive of one another, when their communication is dripping with criticism or contempt, or when they are gridlocked over other significant topics in their lives, it’s common to not want to have sex. If you’ve got other significant areas you have to address, do that work before you assess your sex life. Making changes to improve your overall relationship health usually has to happen before sexual intimacy can be created in a relationship.

Sexless marriage divorce rate.

There is no concrete statistic on how many people divorce because of a lack of sex in their marriage. A 2017 study of U.S. General Social Survey data from 2002 found 16% of married couples were in a sexless marriage (no sex in the past year). A 2018 survey that found over one in four relationships are sexless. We don’t know specifically what percentage of these couples were unhappy with the lack of sex, however. We also know that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. But so far, there is no study that ties these stats together.

Even if we did have a study showing how many couples got divorced due to a sexless marriage, we’d have a hard time knowing whether sex was really the issue—or just a symptom of other problems. I can say that lack of sex shows up in my therapy practice regularly, and couples often wonder whether their relationship can survive if that doesn’t change. Many people are certainly considering divorce.

When to walk away from a sexless marriage:

1. Your partner refuses to work through this issue with you.

There are so many obstacles to sex in a relationship, so there are many things you may need to talk about and change in order to create a sex life that you can both enjoy. Before considering divorce, you should bring up your concerns to your partner, have an earnest conversation about what’s in the way, and see how you can work as a team to address the issue. There is a lot you can do toward improving a sex life with your partner, but it does take both of you to step up to the table and address what needs to change.

Before you conclude that your partner isn’t willing to help, make sure that you have done everything you can on your side of the court. Bring up your concerns in a collaborative way, without blaming and shaming. You can support a partner with lower libido simply by being willing to explore how you are contributing to roadblocks for your partner. Have true curiosity about how sex could work better for them and what they need to access or cultivate their own desire for sex. Approach sex like it’s play rather than having specific goals and outcome that could set you both up for failure.

If you’ve been doing all of this, and your partner still refuses to talk about it and won’t be a collaborative teammate with you in creating physical intimacy in your relationship, it could be time to leave.

2. Your relationship issues are so big that there are other reasons to divorce.

Lack of sex in a relationship can be a symptom of other significant issues. In that case, it’s the other issues that really create grounds for divorce, if you can’t work through them.

For example, if the two of you have toxic communication cycles, including blame, shame, criticism, gaslighting, or abuse, that can nix your sex life—and bring your marriage to its end. Likewise, if you can’t get on the same page about money or parenting, you may not be able to save your marriage. If you have power struggles, infidelity, lying, or cruelty, your relationship may not survive. In all these examples, your issues go way deeper than the lack of sex in your marriage. If they aren’t addressed and changed, you may very well decide to leave your marriage.

3. Your sexual interests are so different that there are not ways to enjoy sex together, and you don’t agree to find another way to explore those interests.

Sometimes couples have what we call an “erotic conflict.” Each person has things that turn them on, a vision of the kind of sex they want to have and with whom. Sometimes, what we want is mutually exclusive with the desires of our partner. For example, if one person is kinky and that is a turnoff for their partner, they may struggle to find sex they can share and enjoy. Likewise, a person’s sexual orientation could get in the way—if they are not attracted to the gender of their partner.

In sex therapy, I am always trying to help couples find the overlap in their desires (think of a Venn diagram), but occasionally there is none. Some couples decide to address this by using fantasy and masturbation while staying married. Others decide to implement some type of open marriage in which they can meet their needs outside the relationship but remain married. But if those options aren’t desirable, you may decide to divorce over this lack of sexual compatibility.

Can a sexless marriage survive?

Yes. If you love your partner and you value your relationship, there are ways to address the lack of sex between the two of you as long as you’re both willing to work together. We are inundated with messages that sex should come naturally and that something must be very wrong with our relationship if we are having a hard time in the bedroom. But the truth is that it’s common, almost universal, to struggle with sex at some point over the course of a relationship. These difficulties present an opportunity to address issues, to talk to our partner with openness, and to recreate your relationship and sex life to suit you now.

Lack of sex is usually a symptom of other things. Sexual desire changes over time, and especially when it comes to sex in long-term relationships, having different levels of desire is normal. Things change in our lives in ways that make our sex life more difficult. All of these are normal and common experiences.

If you want to stay in your marriage and enjoy a sex life together, you can step into the work it takes to make that happen—and invite your partner to do the same. You’re not alone in these struggles, and your relationship doesn’t have to end—unless you truly face irreconcilable differences.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything You Need to Know About BDSM Tests and Kink Levels

It’s basically like a ~sexy~ Myers-Briggs personality test.

By Morgan Mandriota

Hello, my friends: Welcome to the safe space where kinksters, rookies, and all those in between unite. If you’re looking to explore a new fetish, maybe dabble in a few new kinks, or find out what exactly a brat is (…among other things), you’ve come to the right place.

Meet your new trusty sidekick that is low-key the R-rated version of Myers-Briggs: the BDSM test.

For the ~experienced~ kinksters, a BDSM test will help you find something new to try in (or out of) the bedroom. For those who are on the vanilla side looking to dabble into ventures you *might* be into, this test will also help you in all your sexy-time fun. Let’s get into all the details about it and what you can expect.

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What’s a BDSM test?

It’s kind of like a Myers-Briggs test for sexual personality types, says Gabi Levi, a sexpert who runs erotica site Shag Story. But if you’re looking for a more ~solid~ definition, “BDSM tests are typically a list of various sexual acts and attitudes that the test taker ranks on a scale ranging from ‘I’m 100 percent into that’ to ‘Nope. Hard limit, never gonna happen,’” explains sex and relationship therapist Stefani Goerlich.

“You answer questions about what kinds of sensations you enjoy giving and receiving, how much control you like to take or give over in your relationships, and how you feel about various fantasy and role-play scenarios,” says Goerlich.

Some example Qs you can expect to answer:

  • Do you enjoy behaving like a child?
  • Do you love being tied up with zero control?
  • Do you enjoy hunting prey?

Expect to be asked deeper, nonsexual questions because BDSM isn’t only a sexual experience—often times, it requires a high level of emotional intimacy too, says Levi.

What do your results mean?

Once you finish, you’ll end up on a page that shows off all your results, which is basically a list of which BDSM archetypes you align most with on a percentage scale from 0 to 100.

“You’ll receive a list of various power exchange dynamics, ranging from Fifty Shades–style light dominance and submission to master/slave lifestyles as well as more niche interests such as caregiver/little and pet play,” Goerlich explains. “The test then tells you, based on what you expressed an interest in, which dynamics might be most comfortable and enjoyable for you and your partner(s).”

Some of those look like brat and brat tamer, master/mistress and slave, caregiver and little, pet play, etc.

“At first glance, it can seem overwhelming, but BDSM can be so valuable to someone’s sex life, personal life, and emotional growth,” says Levi. “The world of BDSM is so much larger than most people think it is—it reaches beyond ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ archetypes into kinks and scenes that are uniquely specific to a participant’s sexual preferences.” Kind of cool, right?

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Where can I take a BDSM test?

Alright, alright, now everything you’ve been waiting for: how to take this BDSM test. Head on over to BDSMTest.org or MojoUpgrade.com to take the test. They’re two of the best sites around with slight differences.

BDSMTest.org gives you a lengthy list of fetishes and kink dynamics along with a percentage rating of how aligned your answers were with each possibility. (Like, hi, I got 99 percent brat.) This one is probs best if you’re single or just curious about your own tastes.

MojoUpgrade.com is better for seeing how your kinks align with your partners’. It allows couples to separately rate their sexual interests, then at the end, groups everything you both agreed on into a list to explore and play with.

Both options can be really powerful tools to build trust and enhance communication within your relationship, says Goerlich.

Okay, so you took the BDSM test. How will it improve your sex life?

A ton of really amazing ways. For one, “BDSM takes the fundamental ideas of power, play, and pleasure and puts them under a magnifying glass,” says Levi. “By understanding which elements of those fundamentals turn you on and turn you off is going to make you better understand your own sexuality and desires.”

Taking them can also help ease feelings of sexual shame or insecurity. “By taking tests such as these with your partner, you learn so much about what you might have in common but have been too afraid to talk about,” says Goerlich, whose clients often say they feel embarrassed or ashamed of what they want to do sexually.

Plus, who wouldn’t want to gauge sexual compatibility with your partner? Maybe it’s a lil much to pull out a BDSM test on date one, but if we’re asking about love languages and astrology signs, why not?

But remember this: Although BDSM tests can offer amazing insight into your own dream world of kink, they should only be used for inspo. “These are not psychological assessments that have been evaluated for reliability and validity,” Goerlich says. That said, my boyfriend and I can totally vouch for how much fun a BDSM test date night was.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Is A Ruined Orgasm?

Why Some People Love Them + How To Try

by Morgan Mandriota

Some folks dream of being able to someday have an orgasm, while others get off from having their partner spoil their big O. Yep, you read that right—ruined orgasms are totally a thing that some people enjoy. If you’re curious, here’s what you should know about ruined orgasms before attempting to wreck your or someone else’s next climax.

What is a ruined orgasm?

“A ruined orgasm is typically a type of control play found in the BDSM community whereby the dominant person gets the submissive person highly aroused and then leaves them hanging to experience a very low-quality, low- to no-sensation type of orgasm, if any at all,” explains AASECT-certified sex therapist Jenni Skyler, Ph.D., LMFT, CST. So rather than feeling a 10/10 euphoric explosion of pleasure, the sub would feel a not-so-satisfying 2/10 instead. Yay.

Ruined orgasms can happen by accident, too. In fact, you might’ve actually had one in the past! “Many of us have experienced them; most of us just don’t eroticize the experience,” says sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, Ph.D. For example, she says one can occur if someone walks in on you masturbating or you get distracted right as you’re about to finish. (I can vouch that that’s happened to me before with a phone call from my mom, and it sucked.)

Melancon also notes that this practice is far more common in the world of female domination with male subs (which is why male-gendered language and penis talk may be used moving forward!), but people of any gender can enjoy it and should totally try it out if it sounds appealing.

What ruined orgasms feel like.

Does a ruined orgasm hurt or feel good for the person having it? Does it even feel like anything at all? Well, it can make the recipient feel…a few different things. Physically, it’s kinda like blue balls. “It can feel like a very subtle orgasm without the release, intensity, or climatic feeling typically experienced by orgasm,” says Skyler. Melancon adds that “sometimes ruined orgasms can feel a bit painful or uncomfortable to feel the contractions of an orgasm without the pleasure.”

Emotionally, it can feel very frustrating, disappointing, and unsatisfying. “If the stimulation continues to a point where ejaculation is inevitable, his partner can still distract or humiliate him to ruin the sensation of orgasm,” says Melancon. “In addition, the feeling of humiliation may accompany the experience regardless, especially if the ‘ruined’ partner twitches, spasms, moans, and groans at the sensation. It can feel embarrassing, as if they have no control over their own body.”

Ironically, though, despite how sad ruined orgasms may sound like they feel, they can be pretty pleasurable if someone’s super into them. “Some men have a fetish for this and want their partner to ruin their orgasm,” says Melancon. “These guys often enjoy the tease-and-denial aspect and/or want to be ‘forced’ to do something to ‘earn’ a good orgasm.” 

How to give or have a ruined orgasm:

1. Ensure you have consent.

Friendly reminder: Never assume it’s OK to engage in a sexual activity without receiving enthusiastic consent from all parties. It’s especially important to protect both people during BDSM with clear communication, boundaries, and consent conversations. “Make sure both partners agree to this type of sex play,” says Skyler…then, proceed!

2. Agree upon a safe word.

Safewords or safe signals are important for communication and safety, explains Melancon. So before playing, remember to pick a unique word or action that either of you can express to stop the experience at any given time—no questions asked.

“There aren’t many true risks here, but if he’s uncomfortable and wants to stop, he should be free to express himself, and it’s a good idea to discuss how beforehand,” she says. “Likewise, his partner should feel free to stop teasing him if she isn’t feeling into it herself.”

Don’t know what to choose? “Watermelon.” You’re welcome.

3. Do your research.

Skyler reminds those interested in attempting ruined orgasms to read up on dom/sub power dynamics before starting this type of play. Learning the how-to’s from reliable sources on YouTube or well-known industry professionals can help ensure you have a safer, more educated, and pleasurable experience.

4. Focus on teasing your partner.

Ruined orgasms have to do with the amazing buildup and disappointing letdown of that otherwise long-awaited, exciting moment. That’s where the art of teasing comes in! “Slowly tease and build up the sexual tension inside his body. [You] may start and stop just as he’s really getting into it, then, after a pause, start back up again,” Melancon suggests.

5. Stop all stimulation prior to climax.

Melancon reminds us that a ruined orgasm is when all stimulation is stopped just prior to orgasm. So right as he’s about to orgasm, simply stop all movement and stimulation. “If you’ve timed it right and he’s on the path of no return, his body may begin to convulse and he will moan with discomfort instead of pleasure,” she says. Hint: If that happens, you’re doing it right!

Ruined orgasm versus edging.

There’s a pretty clear difference between ruined orgasms and edging, which involves getting right up to the point where you’re about to orgasm, stopping temporarily, and then building back up again. One results in maximum pleasure, whereas the other results in minimal pleasure. (Can you guess which is which?)

“While edging is very pleasurable and results in a longer window of arousal followed typically by an intense orgasm. A ruined orgasm is like the arousal petering out without climax after getting highly aroused,” Skyler explains.

“Tease and deny is a related kink and is exactly what it sounds like—one partner teases the other until they’re very aroused but stops before the point of orgasm,” adds Melancon. What’s the difference? Stimulation stops sooner and isn’t meant to ruin the orgasm, she says, but just amp up the teasing aspect.

Ruined orgasms may not sound physically pleasurable, so what’s the appeal for each party? Turns out there are many reasons people might enjoy ruined orgasms.

For one, it’s a fetish (predominantly among men). But while it’s more common for men to desire a ruined orgasm, Melancon says some women find it fun. “It really turns the dominant heterosexual script on its head, where his orgasm is no longer the most important or defining moment of sex.”

However, a lot of the excitement boils down to having or lacking control. “Partners may enjoy the power play and being able to choose where, when, how, and, most importantly, IF [they] get [their] pleasure,” says Melancon. Skyler adds that the power play appeal lies around the “short-term withholding and/or denial of physical pleasure for the larger, mental erotic charge. Many people playing in this arena enjoy giving up the physical sensations of more vanilla-known pleasure in order to experience a more mental [excitement] around power exchange.”

Last but not least on the list of perks, ruined orgasms can even help people with penises last longer during sex. According to Melancon, “if he’s allowed to ejaculate but without the pleasurable release of orgasm, he may remain sexually aroused and thus able to engage in more sexual activities.”

So whether you’re potentially into the power play, pain, or twisted pleasure of it all, try having your next orgasm ruined. Who knows? You might be way more into it than you expect.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How mindfulness can re-invigorate your sex life

Harness the power of mindfulness to form deeper connections

by Jodie Bond

We all know the benefits of mindfulness, but have you ever considered introducing aspects of mindful practice into your sex life? Many of us don’t associate calm and mindfulness with the passion we strive for in the bedroom, yet taking the time to think mindfully about sex is a great way to super-charge your love life.

Professor Lori Brotto is a psychologist and author from the University of British Columbia’s Sexual Health Laboratory. Considering the links she’s found in her research, Professor Brotto says: “A large body of scientific research shows that mindfulness significantly improves sexual desire, and several other facets of sexual function, mood, and sexual quality of life.”

Improving the way we tune-in to our bodies through mindfulness can improve the way we tune-in to our sexuality. These five steps will help you get started.

Passionate sex is mindful sex

Think back to your most powerful sexual experience. Do you remember what was running through your head? It’s likely that you don’t. When we’re immersed in the throes of passion, we are seized by the moment. We give our whole being to it. And that is exactly what mindfulness is. Passionate sex is mindful sex: we give all our energy to the heat of the experience, with no room for distraction.

In long-term relationships, we often find ourselves slipping into autopilot. We put ourselves through the motions of sex without being present. Do you ever find yourself thinking about work, or your never-ending to-do list? Our thoughts can be a barrier to intimacy.

Learn to switch off

Be in the moment during sex. Focus on your senses, and not on how you’re performing. This will not only help both you and your partner to relax, but will make the experience more enjoyable. Focus on the parts of your body that are alight with sensation. Notice your movements, the rise and fall of your breath, the warmth and coolness, the shiver of your skin.

Talking to your partner about what you’re experiencing during sex will help you both gain a better understanding of how to dial up the pleasure. Those whispers between the sheets can also be a huge turn on.

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Meditation and sex

Meditation and sex might sound like contradictory activities. Meditation is practised alone, usually in stillness and silence; sex is often active, noisy, and frequently practised with a partner! But these two activities are more complementary than you might think.

Research suggests that meditating in our daily lives has a positive impact on our enjoyment of sex. Regular meditation reduces the amount of the stress hormone, cortisol, that we produce. We all know that feeling stressed pushes sex down the priority list, and makes us more distracted when engaging with our partner. By lowering our stress levels through meditation, we can give our mind, and libido, the breathing space required to ignite our sense of desire.

Don’t put pressure on yourself

Often, we think of an orgasm as the primary goal when having sex, but placing climax on a pedestal can create unwanted pressure. According to a study published in Socioaffective Neuroscience & Psychology, more than half of women struggle to climax through penetrative sex, and chasing after an orgasm can distract from other sensual pleasures, and lead to frustration. Letting go of expectations, and simply enjoying the moment for what it is, will often yield astonishing results.

Make a date

It is easy for sex to slip down the list of priorities in long-term relationships – it’s not often given the time it deserves. A survey published in the British Medical Journal revealed that we are having less sex than we used to. This is often attributed to the fast pace of our modern lives.

A lot of value is placed on our ability to be spontaneous with sex, but there is no shame in scheduling it in. If you take one thing from this, promise yourself that you’ll dedicate a few hours to engage mindfully with sex.

Mindfulness is about finding an anchor for your focus. Let the anchor be your own body. Learn to return to that anchor when you are distracted, and you will revolutionise your love life. That’s a promise.

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How to have shower sex

— 12 essential tips and steamy positions

Getting steamy in the tub may be trickier than on dry land, but that’s no reason to write it off.

by Rosie Saunders

Shower sex looks easy in the movies, but the reality can be a little bit different. Getting steamy in the tub may be trickier than on dry land, but that’s no reason to write it off. A little pre-shower prep goes a long way.

With that in mind, we asked Mia Sabat, sex therapist at sexual wellbeing audio app Emjoy, to share the best positions for comfortable shower sex, along with extra tips and advice for taking your bathroom escapades up a level:

Shower sex positions

While this article refers to sex between a woman or a person with a vagina, and a man or a person with a penis, shower sex certainly isn’t gender-exclusive – nor does it require two people.

There’s plenty of fun you can have in the bath or shower by yourself, says Sabat – try lathering your body in special scented soaps or gels, or bring a sex toy into the mix.

‘The sky is the limit when it comes to shower sex, so long as you prioritise stability.’

‘There are plenty of waterproof options to help make things really exciting,’ she says. ‘The soothing nature of water can also help you to relax and unwind, giving your mind the space it needs to really get into the mood while helping you to build a truly powerful orgasm.’

If you are sharing the suds with a partner, try one of the following positions to make shower sex as comfortable and enjoyable as possible:

1. Stand and deliver

  • The receiver should turn away from their partner with their back to their face.
  • Feet should be firmly planted on the floor, ideally on a non-slip bath mat for added safety and leverage.
  • The receiver should bend at the waist until their head is pointing towards the ground , with their hands resting either on the wall in front of them or the side of the tub.
  • The giver should hold the receiver’s hips while entering from behind.

Also known as standing doggy style, this position is exceptionally satisfying when it comes to stimulating the clitoris and G-spot, says Sabat.

2. The wraparound

  • Stand facing each other, with one person leaning against the nearest wall for support.
  • Make sure to angle the shower head away from your face and onto your body for this to work.
  • Have the wall partner ‘wrap’ one leg around the other to pull them closer as they enter.

‘Not only does this position allow for over-the-top sensations and deeper penetration, but it enables you and your partner to be even more passionate and intimate, as you can kiss and caress one another while face-to-face,’ says Sabat. ‘A truly perfect way to make shower sex even steamier.’

3. On your knees

  • The ‘giver’ can squat, kneel or take any other position that allows them to pleasure their partner.
  • Make the room hot and steamy for this, to ensure the person on the giving end doesn’t get too cold.

‘The key to this position is making sure that whoever is receiving oral sex is standing, with the shower stream hitting their back, to shield the person who’s giving pleasure from any unwanted distractions,’ says Sabat.

4. The caboose

  • Have the giver sit down on the shower floor with their hands behind them.
  • The receiver should then sit on top.

‘This position means you’ll both be getting wet with the water coming from above,’ says Sabat. ‘Perfect for a partner that enjoys watching you when you’re on top.’

Shower sex tips

The sky is the limit when it comes to shower sex, so long as you prioritise stability, says Sabat. Before you begin, take precautions by using the right tools for the job – non-slip bath mats and lubricant (yep, lubricant) are key.

‘You might think water will suffice as a natural lubricant, but it actually has the opposite effect,’ Sabat says. ‘To ensure that penetration is comfortable throughout your steamy experience, use the correct lubricant for your situation.’

1. Set the mood

Foreplay is important – get stimulated before your switch the shower on. You could listen to literary or audio erotica, watch shower-based pornography, or experiment with ‘getting dirty before getting clean,’ says Sabat.

‘Swapping massages with scented oil, exploring each other’s messier fantasies, or experimenting with chocolate body paint can be great ways to work up to shower sex, especially as you’ll really enjoy washing each other off once you jump in,’ she says. ‘Feel free to go where your minds and bodies take you – the possibilities are endless.’

2. Plan ahead

When it comes to shower sex, you’re going for exciting – not dangerous, says Sabat. ‘Be sure you take safety precautions through bathroom accessories like handles, gripped bath mats, and waterproof sex toys to ensure that any liaisons you get into in the bathroom don’t end in a trip to the doctor,’ she says.

3. Take a stand

A foot stand, that is. It can help improve stability and increase the depth of penetration, Sabat says. ‘When you’re showering alone, don’t be afraid to test out potential positions to gauge stability,’ she explains. ‘Not only will this likely help to stimulate you both, but no one will be any the wiser, and you won’t have to worry about any slips or stumbles when you’re enjoying the real thing.’

shower sex

4. Don’t slip and slide

If you’re using any form of barrier protection, put it on before entering the shower to make sure you’re as protected as possible. ‘There’s an increased risk of condom slippage in the shower, so make sure it’s a good fit before you start adding water to the equation,’ says Sabat. ‘Remember, water is not a replacement for lubricant. Make sure that you have some water or silicone-based lubricant on standby, just in case, and that it’s compatible with any condoms or sex toys that you’re using.’

5. Think outside the box

Sex doesn’t have to involve penetration. Think outside the box and engage with other forms of intimacy – be it mutual masturbation, self-pleasure, oral sex, or simple, spontaneous mutual exploration, says Sabat. ‘What matters is that you and your partner engage in whatever sexual experience feels stimulating and satisfying to the both of you by consensually pursuing your sexual desires in the moment,’ she says.

6. Don’t obsess over orgasms

‘If you find yourself thinking that all sexual encounters must result in climax to be a worthwhile experience, it’s time to change – especially within the context of shower sex,’ says Sabat. ‘Focusing on stimulating each other while learning and exploring one another’s thrilling pleasures are valid ways of creating and sharing intimacy. Just let the flow of water and blissful pleasures take over – you’re sure to connect with some of your favourite undiscovered sensations.

7. Use shower accessories

A world of pleasure exists beneath the shower tap, says Sabat. If you are a person with a vagina, and have a removable shower head, ‘experiment with different positions throughout the tub – lying on your back or stomach, or sitting on the side of the tub, can help you to reach places you’ve never accessed before,’ she says.

‘Alternatively, lie on your back and slide under the bath’s tap until you come into contact with the steady stream of water in a way that feels pleasurable to you, without entering your vagina,’ Sabat continues. ‘In either context, the steady stream of warm water is sure to stimulate your vulva and clitoris like no other.’

8. Don’t shy away from anal play

If you’ve always wanted to explore anal play, the shower can be one of the best places to put your worries at ease, says Sabat. ‘Next time you’re in the shower alone or with your partner and feel the urge to venture out of your comfort zone, get some silicone lube,’ she says. ‘Start by slowly massaging your lower back, caressing the outside of your anus, and move at a pace that makes you comfortable and excited.’

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