Tag: Consent

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What will Consent 101 actually look like in schools?

‘There’s an understandable concern from parents, but I think they should feel confident that this education will be age appropriate and grow with the students.’

Experts believe that starting consent education early will allow our children more opportunities to apply the concept in their daily lives.

By Jaymie Hooper

A landmark decision by the Australian government will see sexual consent education mandated across schools nationally from next year, with children as young as four expected to participate in the program. But what will the lessons entail? And will they be ageappropriate?

What is consent education?

At its most basic level, consent education involves teaching young people that no means no in sexual relationships and situations.

The current Australian sex education curriculum focuses on teaching students how to stand up for themselves, navigate peer pressure and identify respectful relationships (offline and online) but it fails to provide a holistic overview of consent, and schools are not required to teach it.

Due to the work of sexual abuse activists, such as former private school student Chanel Contos, that will change.

On February 17, after consultation with Contos (whose petition for consent education reform garnered more than 44,000 signatures after an Instagram poll revealed hundreds of her peers had been sexually assaulted), state and federal ministers voted to add consent to the national curriculum – a ground-breaking win in the fight against sexual abuse. Students will partake in the syllabus from 2023, including those just starting school.

Why do we need consent education? Isn’t sex ed enough?

According to Katrina Marson, criminal lawyer and lead of prevention projects at Rape and Sexual Assault Research and Advocacy (RASARA), comprehensive relationships and sexuality education can act as a protective factor against assault, and reduce the likelihood of negative sexual experiences.

“When provided from a young age, it equips young people with the knowledge, skills and values they need to safeguard their own and others’ sexual wellbeing and safety,” she explains. Dr Kimberley O’Brien, co-founder of child psychology clinic The Quirky Kid, agrees that starting consent education early affords children more opportunities to apply the concept in life.

“Children who are educated, empowered and have the opportunity to practise [consent] skills have the best chance of understanding their own boundaries and enforcing those boundaries with others,” she explains.

“If we introduced consent education to high schoolers, it may feel like a foreign concept, but with early intervention, kids grow up knowing consent is important and boundaries are to be respected.”

What will students be taught? Is it suitable for young children?

“There’s an understandable concern from parents, but I think they should feel confident that this education will be age appropriate and grow with the students,” explains Saxon Mullins, director of advocacy at RASARA.

While the final curriculum is expected to be signed off by education ministers this April, Mullins assures parents that “it will be designed with input from relationship and sexuality education experts around the country”.

Consent education for primary school children will not include examples of sexually explicit scenarios, but focus on building the foundations of consent. “It’s taught in a way that makes sense to young people,” adds Marson.

“For example, through sharing toys, playing with friends and giving relatives hugs.” High school students will be given comprehensive sex education, strategies to identify instances of coercive control and how to communicate assertively and respectfully, as well as opportunities to practise how to seek, give or deny consent.

The curriculum reform is welcome news to Dannielle Miller, CEO of Enlighten Education, who stresses that consent education must be well-rounded. “We need to deconstruct power imbalances, gender stereotypes and discuss all forms of relationship abuse,” she explains. “We must not get so focused on sexual violence that we fail to address many other forms of violence young people experience – not just as witnesses to violence within their homes but in their own relationships.”

How do young Australians feel about consent education?

According to Miller, who runs in-school respectful relationship programs, teens are eagerly anticipating the curriculum. “We already talk to young people about consent and, let me tell you, teens are so ready to have this discussion,” she says.

“They also have expectations the talks must be nuanced, inclusive and authentic. They want more than just the basics.” Adds Mullins, a survivor of sexual assault who has lobbied for consent reforms since 2018 and feels education mandates are overdue, “Sexual violence has been swept under the rug for far too long.”

How to help boys be part of the solution

Worried that your son could feel targeted by the new curriculum? Psychologist Dr Kimberley O’Brien reveals how to talk to young men about consent “Consent education is no more important for young boys than it is for any other gender.

It’s something that we should all be aware of. By being open- minded, you can encourage young people to consider the information in a way that’s not biased. It helps them put that information into practice, rather than questioning whether it’s right or wrong, so try to model being curious about the material that’s coming your way.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Exactly Defines ‘Active Consent’ in Sexual Activity?

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Warning: This article contains discussions of sexual assault.

Healthy relationships start with feeling respected and safe which is why it is so important to understand how to go about seeking ‘active’ consent if you are about to engage in any kind of sexual activity. It is never okay for someone to do something to you without an enthusiastic and explicit ‘yes’.

If your decision-making powers are taken away and you are sexually assaulted it is important to know who to turn to and what to do next. Equally important is knowing that there is help out there to support survivors and their loved ones through these difficult times.

At ReachOut (where I work as CEO), we define sexual assault as any kind of sexual activity where you are forced, coerced or tricked into doing when you didn’t want to. It can be carried out by a romantic partner, by someone you know or by a total stranger and includes unwanted sexual behaviours such as forced, unwanted sex, sexual acts or touching, child sexual abuse or indecent assault.

It is a form of trauma that can show up in different ways including shock and denial, fear, silence, anxiety, depression or low self-esteem. If you think you may have been sexually assaulted, you might feel scared, overwhelmed and unsure where or who to turn to. There’s also a chance you might blame yourself for not recognising sooner that what happened to you was sexual assault. The most important thing to remember
is that if you have been sexually assaulted it is never your fault.

There are lots of support services available to support you through these difficult times, as well as a number of immediate steps you can take to help you feel physically and psychologically safe.

If you’ve been sexually assaulted recently, the first step you may want to take in order to feel safe is to call 000 to ask for the police or for an ambulance if you are injured. It can also be a good idea to talk to a trusted friend, family member or colleague or think about calling a confidential 24-hour helpline such as 1800 RESPECT.

Most towns have a free sexual assault clinic or service with trained professionals, like doctors, nurses or counsellors, who can help you with what to do next. They can guide you through your options and answer any questions about things like emergency contraception, rape kits, and sexual health checks, as well as provide emotional support. If there isn’t a sexual assault clinic available to you, you can also go speak to your GP or visit the hospital, and ask for somebody with experience in sexual assault.

If you feel like you might want to take action against your perpetrator it’s a great idea to talk to one of the options above about it and get support when you are ready. Most importantly, there is no ‘right’ way to respond to sexual assault and every survivor’s recovery from sexual assault will look different because there is no set timeline for coming to terms with sexual assault and no set schedule for healing.

This is why it’s so important that, even if you seek help or guidance from other people, you choose what happens next.

2021 Australian of the Year and sexual assault survivor Grace Tame believes that having support around you is so important, as is practicing forms of ‘self-care’ so that you can make sure you’re on a healthy path towards recovery.

“You need to make sure that you have support around you and that you have enough time to take care of yourself properly, and get back in touch with simple meaningful values, family time, downtime, nature, eating well, exercising and sleeping. You really want to get back to your true self,” Tame said.

Additionally, when engaging in sexual activities and seeking consent, it’s so important that you feel respected and safe. ‘Active consent’ means that you and your partner/s give each other an explicit ‘yes’ to the sexual activity you are about to be involved in.

Regardless of what you’re wearing, drinking or if you are flirting with another person, it’s never okay for someone to do something to you without your resounding consent. If the sexual activity is done without your consent, it is considered sexual assault or rape.

These guidelines can help with seeking ‘active’ consent if you are about to engage in any kind of sexual activity:

● Sexual consent must be explicit. There’s only one way to know if someone has given their explicit consent: if they clearly let you know they agree.

● You can always change your mind. You or your sexual partner can decide at any time that you don’t want to keep going. If this happens, both people should stop or it can be deemed sexual assault or rape.

● It’s good to check in with each other. Take notice of your sexual partner’s body language and if they seem tense or uncomfortable, pause and ask them how they’re feeling or tell them how you might be feeling too.

● It’s fine to slow things down or stop. There’s really no reason or rush to have sex or do
anything sexual if you’re not feeling it. It’s important that your partner always respects your feelings.

● Drink and drugs affect consent. If you’re intoxicated, your capacity to make decisions can be affected and your decision might be influenced by drugs and alcohol. This means that if you’re sexual in any way with someone who’s drunk or high and doesn’t know what’s going on and therefore can’t give informed consent, it’s equivalent to sexually assaulting or raping them.

Feeling respected and safe across all aspects of your life is so important to your mental health and wellbeing.

You might like to connect with other people who have gone through similar experiences to you in ReachOut’s Online Community. It is a safe space for young people that is anonymous and available 24/7. You can also check out ReachOut.com for more information and resources.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to get consent for sex

(and no, it doesn’t have to spoil the mood)

By and

New South Wales and Victoria are set to introduce a suite of reforms to sexual offences legislation which set a new standard for sexual consent. Both states will implement an affirmative model of consent.

Affirmative consent is based on the idea that someone who is consenting to sex will actively express this through their words and actions – it’s the presence of an “enthusiastic yes”, rather than the absence of a “no”.

So what’s changing, and what does that mean for how we negotiate sex?

By law, you will need to actively seek consent

The Victorian and NSW reforms place a higher onus on the accused.

Current legislation stipulates that while any steps taken by the accused to ascertain consent should be taken into account in determining whether their belief in consent was “reasonable”, they are not required to have actively sought consent. This means an accused person could argue they had “belief” in consent, without actually taking any action to confirm this belief.

Under the new model, if an accused did not take steps to ascertain consent, their belief in consent is considered to be unreasonable. Silence or a lack of resistance cannot indicate consent.

If an accused wanted to mount a defence that they held a “reasonable belief” in the other person’s consent, they would have to demonstrate what steps or actions they took to make sure the other person was consenting.

It is hoped this will lead to an emphasis on the actions of the accused, rather than scrutinising the complainant’s behaviour. These are important improvements in the way the legal system responds to sexual assault.

No, it doesn’t mean signing a consent form

Affirmative consent means all partners should consciously and voluntarily agree to participate in sexual activity.

Responsibility for consent should be mutual, meaning all parties involved need to ensure they have obtained consent.

Affirmative consent can also be withdrawn at any time – it’s an ongoing process, not a one off “yes” at the start of an encounter.

Some people suggest affirmative consent makes sex “awkward” or “formulaic”. We’re often asked if this means we need to have our partners sign a consent form at the beginning of an encounter.

Others say having to constantly “check in” with a partner can spoil the mood or remove the spontaneity of sex.

As New Zealand comedy Flight of the Conchords reminded us, ‘a kiss is not a contract’.

Not only does an affirmative model help to ensure your partner is actively consenting to sex, it can also help enhance pleasure and fun.

So how do you actually get consent?

Here are some ways you might approach consent under an affirmative model:

Ask your partner how they like to be touched, or what they would like to do. Questions like “how does that feel” or “would you like it if I did XXX” can help ascertain consent but also ensure sex is pleasurable!

Some companies have produced cards to help facilitate this conversation with a partner. Kink communities, such as BDSM groups, often have well-established protocols for talking about consent, and there’s arguably much we could learn from them.

Pay attention to all of the cues and forms of communication a partner is using. This includes what they say, but also their body language, gestures, noises, and emotional expression.

Gay couple cuddle in bed.

If a partner is passive, silent, crying, or looking upset, these are all red flags that they are not consenting. If there’s any doubt about whether your partner/s are into what’s happening, stop and check in with them again.

If you’re still unsure, it’s best to end the encounter.

Is the other person intoxicated or drug affected? If so, they might not legally be able to consent to sex. While some people do use alcohol or other drugs to enhance sexual pleasure (for example, in Chemsex), this is something that needs to be carefully negotiated.

Again, if in any doubt, it’s always best to stop.

Consider the context, and the nature of the relationship between yourself and your partner/s. For example, are you in a position of power over the other person/people? This could be on account of your age, gender, employment status and so on.

If the answer is “yes”, exercise caution. Is it possible the other person could feel pressured or unable to say no to you?

Two young people without shoes sit on a tiled floow.
If there’s any doubt about consent, stop and check in with your partner.

While research suggests non-verbal communication is the most common way people communicate consent, people can misinterpret non-verbal cues. So it’s best not to rely on reading non-verbal cues alone.

Try using verbal consent as well (or the use of sign language or written communication for people who are non-verbal). This doesn’t have to be awkward, or contractual, and consent can be communicated through dirty talk.

Asking a partner what they like also allows you to learn about their body and what feels good, rather than just guessing what they might find pleasurable.

Beyond affirmative consent

While affirmative consent certainly provides a better framework for sexual communication than just waiting for someone to say “no” (or simply assuming the other person consents), it also has limitations.

People may still affirmatively consent to sex they do not want for various reasons. Consenting to sex may be the safer option in an abusive relationship, for example. People also often engage in sex due to peer pressure or because they feel it is their duty as a partner.

Our sexual scripts and dominant gender norms can also make it difficult to enact affirmative consent in practice.

Young women, for example, are often socialised to be polite, compliant, and pleasing to others. Sexual double standards presenting women as “sluts” or “whores” for actively engaging in and enjoying sex persist. As a result, it can be difficult for some women to openly express their sexual wants and desires.

Woman sits on the end of a bed.
Some people are less able to say no.

Affirmative consent is less able to take into account the broader structural and social factors that make saying “yes” or “no” difficult, or that mean we sometimes “consent” to unwanted sex.

While affirmative consent is vital, you might also want to think about how you can ensure your partners feel comfortable and safe to express their needs, desires, and what feels good.

You also want to make sure they feel comfortable to say “no” at any time without any ramifications.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Think before you sext

— The experts’ guide to teen dating

‘Once you know that you like and trust this person enough to go on a real-life date – ask them’.

From first kisses to ghosting, dating can be a minefield for young people. Here’s how to have a happy, healthy romance

By

Take things offline

Teen relationships often start online, so how do you progress to a real-world date? The first step is to make your chat more meaningful, says Charlene Douglas, an intimacy coach and sexual health educator. “Online, young people can banter for hours, so try to move the conversation on. Rather than just talking about celebs, or who said what at school, bring those situations back to what you have in common.”

Then introduce voice messaging and video calls, “to see if you really like the vibe of a person and to check they’re human”, says Hardeep Dhadda, presenter of the relationships podcast Thank You, Next. Her co-presenter, Raj Pander, suggests watching something at the same time on Netflix. Then: “Once you know you like and trust this person enough to go on a real-life date – ask them.”

Put safety first

Be sure they are who they say they are (Pander suggests checking tagged pics on Instagram), and meet in a public place, telling someone when and where you’re meeting. Pander says: “Not everyone is a serial killer, but it’s good practice to act as if they could be.”

Manage your emotions

Butterflies in your stomach? Heart racing? “It’s normal to feel that way,” says Chloe Goddard McLoughlin, a psychotherapist and relationship counsellor. “Just tell the other person that you’re nervous, because I guarantee they will be as well.”

Pander, who is 37 and a self-confessed shy dater, says: “I plan a phone call with a friend before so they can prep me. We always have a contingency plan if anything gets weird, so if I text them they’ll call me so I can pretend there’s an emergency and leave.”

Be chatty

“Try to keep it light and talk about things you’re passionate about, as when you do that, your whole energy lights up,” says Douglas. Dhadda agrees: “If you like something – animals, sustainable fashion or Billie Eilish – let your date know. How can someone get to know you if you’re holding back or pretending to be someone else?” But there are no-nos: “If someone brought up sex on a first date, I’d be put off.”

Know how to end a date

“Be polite,” says Dhadda. “Consider their feelings, as they may have had the best time ever.” Pander agrees: “Tell them you had fun – even if you didn’t – look at the time and say you’d better be off.” If they message asking to meet again, be honest but respectful. Douglas recommends replying: “You’re a great person but I just don’t think we’re suited.”

Don’t sweat your first kiss

“It’s part of our cultural mythology that the first kiss is the best, but for most people it’s pretty average, so don’t sweat it,” says Goddard McLoughlin. Remember, a kiss should only happen when you’re both comfortable and have given consent. “It may take the sexiness away, but saying ‘can I kiss you?’ means you have permission and haven’t misread signals,” says Douglas.

Think about when to make things official

When do you change your status or update your profile pic to a cute couple selfie? For Pander, once you’re sure you like and trust the person, you can ask what they think about making things official. But she warns: “Do you really need them in your profile pics or online status? You’re your own person: don’t let your relationship take over your identity.”

Work out if you’re ready to have sex

“First, know the facts about sex, intimacy and pleasure,” says Douglas. “Speak to a trusted older family member, whether that’s a sister or an aunt. Don’t feel pressured into anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Douglas says of her work at a girls’ school: “A lot of the girls felt they should lose their virginity on their 16th birthday. Sometimes they regretted it because it wasn’t pleasurable or they felt used. Just because the law says you’re ‘of age’ doesn’t mean you have to do anything.”

Learn how to boost your confidence

Just over half of 11- to 16-year-olds worry often about how they look, but try shifting your focus. “Imagine the most confident version of yourself,” says Natasha Devon, who gives talks at schools and universities on mental health and body image. “Think about how you stand, move and feel when you’re relaxed and self-assured, and emulate that. When we look at someone, we see them as a whole package.”

Stay aware of consent

“People think if they’ve said yes once, they can’t change their mind,” says Goddard McLoughlin. “But you have the right to say no at any point.” Douglas adds: “If you’ve said yes to a kiss, you have the right to say, midway through, ‘I want to stop.’ Similarly, if you feel ready for sex but when it comes down to it you don’t want to do it, that needs to be respected.” If you’re on the receiving end of a no, don’t feel like a horrible person, says Douglas. “Remind yourself it’s a positive thing your partner is able to share this.”

Think before you sext

A recent Ofsted report found that 80% of girls feel under pressure to send sexual images. Douglas says: “Once you send a picture, you can’t control where it goes, who sees it, or whether it’s shared. If it’s shared on the internet, it can stay there for ever.”

Understand how to handle rejection

If you’ve been rejected, Douglas says, “allow yourself to feel that pain. Be around people who are positive and who love you, and do one good thing for yourself every day.” Goddard McLoughlin suggests shifting your perspective: “Often it’s about the other person, not you.”

Avoid being spooked by ghosting

For Pander, ghosting is evidence that someone isn’t worth your precious energy. If someone suddenly cuts you off, it means they “weren’t brave enough to have an honest conversation with you. You deserve better.” Despite the crushing pain, reframe it as a lesson, says Douglas. “It teaches you the kind of person you want to be with, how you want to be treated and how you want to feel in a relationship. In future you won’t even remember the person’s name. I say that from experience.”

Don’t use porn to educate yourself

Recent research found that 45% of young people who watched porn did so, in part, to “learn” about sex, but Douglas says: “Run a mile when it comes to being educated from porn, because it isn’t an honest representation.” If you feel clueless in the bedroom, she recommends educational websites around intimacy, like climax.com or OMGYes. If you must watch porn, use the ethical kind, says Douglas: “The site makelovenotporn.tv is diverse, real and respectful. You’ll see consent, and there are elements about the importance of touch, foreplay and eye contact.” You will also see different races and sexualities, and real bodies.

… and don’t let Covid get you down

There’s nothing like a pandemic to make dating even more stressful. But according to Dr Christian Jessen, life must go on: “If a young person asked me if they should go on a first date, I would say yes. Teenagers need to carry on having as normal a life as possible.” To mask or not to mask? Jessen says: “Follow the guidelines of wherever you are.” Maybe pop it in a message to your date beforehand, so there’s no surprises. Want to ask about someone’s vaccination status? Jessen says go for it: “It encourages more adult conversations down the line about things like STIs.”

Don’t get too fixated on pandemic fears, he adds. “It’s hard to separate dating anxiety from Covid anxiety, but don’t hide behind Covid as an excuse not to date. If you’re young, generally fit and healthy, meeting one person doesn’t put you at high risk – and meeting them outdoors even less so.”

And remember, dating should be fun …

It’s about meeting different people, connecting with them and figuring out what makes you tick. “There will be firsts, there will be laughs and there might be a few tears, but try to shake off any pressure and have fun,” says Pander. “I laugh at my teen dating experiences now – and I’m sure you will, too.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How do we talk to teens about sex in a world of porn?

Teenage boys’ easy access to violent sexual images is creating a crisis for them – and for women, argues the anti-porn campaigner

Today’s online content is sadistic and extreme, says activist Gail Dines.

By

Violence against women is never far from the news, but currently it is high on the agenda – and porn features again and again as a factor. From the murder of Sarah Everard to the paltry sentence handed down to Sam Pybus, the latest man to use the so-called “rough sex defence”, it seems the world is riven with misogyny.

Sarah’s killer Wayne Couzens was attracted to “brutal sexual pornography”, the court heard during his trial. Pybus – who was sentenced to four years and eight months last month for manslaughter after strangling a vulnerable woman during sex – was also known to use violent porn. Tackling porn culture is clearly a key part of tackling sexual violence towards women. I have campaigned to end the sex trade for decades, and am well aware of its role in the sexual exploitation of women.

Last weekend, the very first virtual international conference about how to teach sex education from a feminist perspective and a porn-critical lens took place. Taking On Porn: Developing Resilience and Resistance through Sex Education was organised by Culture Reframed, a US-based NGO founded by the academic and anti-porn activist Gail Dines. Part of it focused on how to help parents to have conversations with their children about what Dines calls the “public health crisis of the digital age”.

Inspired partly by demand from the UK educational world, the conference is responding to concerns from many parents about “pro-porn” programmes running in some schools since relationship and sex education became mandatory in September 2020.

Dines points to one teacher guide that puts forward the argument, “Porn is entertainment, like a film, not a ‘how to’ guide. However, that doesn’t mean people can’t learn things from porn they might not learn in other places. Just as movies can sometimes contain valuable insights, so can porn.”

In this guide, porn consumption is likened to having a sweet tooth: “Porn is a bit like a chocolate cake, it’s nice to enjoy it every now and then but if you have it for lunch every day it’s no longer a treat and becomes the norm, then you’re just in a cycle of eating chocolate cake because you’re too busy eating it to make anything else.”

But, as Dines points out, today’s online content is nothing like the now defunct Playboy magazine. In short, it has become more sadistic and extreme. One influential study found that about 90% of the most commonly viewed heterosexual porn scenes contained aggression and violence towards women and girls.

Online pornography has become the primary form of sex education for young people, and the average age for kids to start accessing it is 11. Porn sites get more visits each month than Amazon, Twitter and Netflix combined.

Fred Hechinger, left, as porn-addicted Quinn with his father Mark (Steve Zahn) in TV drama The White Lotus.

“Many sex ed teachers feel ill equipped to tackle the issue of porn use among their students,” says Dines, the author of Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality. For Dines, because porn has become the leading form of sex education globally, the conference is an essential part of bringing sex education up to date. She believes that pornography acts as a kind of cultural script, which exploits women and at the same time limits their free sexual expression and pleasure. Parents have been telling Culture Reframed about how concerned they feel about their children’s viewing of porn, with one saying: “My daughter was bullied into sending a sext by her boyfriend, who then sent it to his friends. Culture Reframed’s online resources not only gave us the ability to help her, but also gave us insights into the ways our hypersexualised culture victimises girls.”

Tom Farr, a UK-based campaigner against male violence, with a particular focus on the harms caused by pornography, and spoke at the conference. His talk looked at the links between porn use and likelihood of committing acts of sexual violence, as well as health issues such as depression, PTSD, and even erectile dysfunction.

“Porn has become the de facto form of sex education for many young men and boys,” says Farr. “They have unfettered access to the most degrading, violent and abusive content imaginable at the click of a button. What are the individual and societal implications of a generation of young people groomed by exposure to hardcore porn?”

Another speaker was critical race theorist and feminist Dr Carolyn West, an expert in violence against African American women and girls, who condemned the racist sexualisation of women of colour in porn.

The UK academic Dr Fiona Vera-Gray, whose work on women’s experience of mainstream online pornography has been included in the development of the Department for Education’s relationships and sex education curriculum, discussed women and porn use. Women do use porn, but often to explore what might be expected of them sexually.

Lilith and Savannah, hosts and producers of the Female Dating Strategy podcast looked at how to build healthy relationships.

I spoke to Adam*, 17, who is writing an essay on his former porn consumption. Adam, who refers to himself as “porn-free”, says he felt pressured into porn use by friends. “It became a habit I couldn’t break,” he says, “and I started looking at girls and imagining them doing the stuff I saw in the videos. I stopped seeing them as human beings.”

Sarah*, 18, says she is looking to set up a “Girls against porn” group for 16-year-olds and over because she is “disgusted at porn-sick boys sending unwanted dick pics” to her younger sister and her school friends.

Like other feminist campaigners against the sex trade, Dines has been accused of being an anti-sex moralist who wishes to censor sexual expression, but, she says, nothing could be further from the truth. “Any progressive, humanitarian approach should focus on dismantling the porn industry,” says Dines, “and not the continuation of its insidious commercialisation of abuse and misery.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Consent Is About More Than Sex

Respecting personal boundaries is important in all interactions. The pandemic has made that clearer than ever.

By Kristine Guillaume

For many people over the past year and a half, every social event—hugging a relative, eating with a friend—has become a complex and sometimes-awkward dance. They’ve determined their safety needs and wants, then verbalized them to others. They’ve had to ask permission for more things, after considering other people’s comfort and boundaries. Whether people have realized it or not, everyday pandemic-era interactions have frequently turned into consent conversations.

At its most basic level, consent is at least two people agreeing about what they’re going to do together, Dorian Solot, who co-founded the sex-education organization Sex Discussed Here!, told me. We might most often associate consent with sex, and for good reason: Consent is crucial in all sexual interactions. (In some states, explicit “affirmative consent” is the legal standard for all public colleges and universities.) Still, Julia Feldman, who runs the sex-education consultancy Giving the Talk, told me that when consent is taught in sex education, it is sometimes presented as “a hoop to jump through.”

But consent factors into every aspect of our social lives. It is not a transaction. It’s an honest, deliberate, ongoing dialogue about how everyone can have their needs met—a key element of healthy sexual and nonsexual relationships. It is, essentially, good communication. People have long had these conversations, whether asking if they can use someone’s restroom or requesting that a guest take off their shoes indoors. Violations of consent are unfortunately common too: someone touching a person’s hair or pregnant stomach, say, without permission.

For those abiding by safety guidelines, the coronavirus pandemic has meant even more daily choices about what kind of consent they give and request. People have needed to disclose elements of their personal life, such as vaccination status, having immunocompromised family members, or recent exposures to the virus. They’ve had to ask others whether they’ve gone to clubs or weddings or have traveled recently. And some might have had to withhold agreement to a handshake or attending a birthday party. (The fact that COVID safety measures have become a politicized issue hasn’t made matters any easier.)

Calling these interactions consent conversations could feel unfamiliar. In part, this might be because many Americans are unfamiliar with the concept in any context. In the U.S., according to the Guttmacher Institute, just 39 states and the District of Columbia require sex education, and within those, only nine require lessons about the importance of consent. A Planned Parenthood study published in 2016 showed that among 2,012 adults, only 14 percent reported that they’d learned how to ask for consent, 16 percent had learned how to give consent, and 25 percent had learned how to say no to sex.

Even before the pandemic necessitated mask wearing or six-foot distances, Feldman, Solot, and other sex educators advocated for earlier education about consent in all relationships, beyond the realm of sex. “I think when people hear, like, ‘Oh, you do consent education with kindergartners,’ they assume I’m doing sex education and I’m talking about sex. And I’m not,” Monica Rivera, the director of the Women and Gender Advocacy Center at Colorado State University who also consults on consent education in K–12 schools, told me. “What I’m attempting to do is to get us as a culture to disentangle the topic of consent from sex, so that it becomes a part of the air we breathe.” She noted that adults might create situations that “unintentionally undermine” consent in interactions with children; a common example is when adults expect kids to give hugs to family members or friends.

Rivera said she has observed how the pandemic has brought consent conversations more intentionally into people’s day-to-day interactions. “The pandemic has forced us to talk about consent in a way that’s not about sex and is sometimes about our closest friends,” she said. But talking about consent with close friends can feel trickier. “The second we’re talking about the people in our immediate circles, that’s where we tend to have defensiveness about somebody wanting to set a boundary or social pressure,” Rivera said.

Solot told me that consent conversations have the potential to “drive a wedge” between friends and relatives who take differing levels of COVID precautions, or none at all. “We all make those risk decisions and, in day-to-day pre-pandemic life … we didn’t have to worry about it too much,” she told me. “Now we’re all forced to confront it all the time, which is both wonderful for relationships in terms of more communication but can also be really stressful.”

Asking about your friends’ vaccination status or requesting that they wear a mask in your house, however, can help lay the groundwork for a culture in which people feel more empowered to say what they’re comfortable with, Rivera told me. In a situation where consent is communicated, she explained, “when someone is having an interaction—whether it is having lunch on a patio or having sex with someone—that someone is doing it because they want to be doing it and they’re doing it in the context in which they feel safe.” Marshall Miller, who co-founded Sex Discussed Here! with Solot, told me that ultimately, when all parties agree on what they consent to—say, that they should be vaccinated before hanging out—they build reserves of trust for future interactions.

When the pandemic eventually subsides, experts predict that people who have exercised their “consent muscle”—as Solot calls it—will have a chance to rethink the norms of social behavior, such as “having the expectation be one of personal space and less physical touch unless it’s invited, which is a good thing overall,” Miller told me. Solot said she hopes the norm of defaulting to the boundaries of the most cautious person can be applied in contexts other than COVID safety. “If one person wants to use a condom, then use a condom,” Solot explained. “If one person feels uncomfortable with the situation, it doesn’t matter if you feel okay about it.”

Keeping in mind different levels of power and privilege is also crucial. Consent conversations among friends, for example, are very different from ones that might happen in the workplace. “Part of the skill of infusing consent into our everyday lives is being able to do a power analysis,” Rivera said. She gave the example of a boss and an upset employee. Instead of the supervisor saying “Can I hug you?” they might ask “Would you like a hug?” “It’s such a subtle shift in language, but it allows someone the ability to say no differently,” Rivera said.

In many cases, consent conversations will likely continue to be daunting, clumsy, and difficult. “It’s awkward in a COVID context. I think it will remain awkward in a sexual context,” Solot said. Perhaps, though, the pandemic has created an opportunity to push through that discomfort. An ever-present public-health threat has necessitated a daily process of empathizing with all the ways other people might feel uncomfortable, or even unsafe, and explicitly communicating about them. The pandemic has been a crash course in respecting people’s boundaries. But we should have been doing this all along.

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Why Consent & Pleasure Go Hand-In-Hand

By Farrah Khan<

At the age of 13, I invented masturbation. Well, in my mind I did. I knew boys masturbated, but I had no idea that girls did too. I thought I was a genius discovering this magical spot on my body that gave me so much joy. It became a way to self-soothe, explore what felt good, and daydream about crushes while reading my mom’s romance novels. But I knew, through overt and covert cues from family, religion, and school, that masturbation was something to keep to myself. It was only in Grade 11, when a girl I was sort of dating confessed that she also did it, that I realized other women were doing it too.

My sex education — and the sex ed that continues to be taught in schools today, nearly 30 years later — skipped over the wonder, curiosity, and exploration about sex. This is especially true for the fear-based, heteronormative lessons taught to girls and young women, who are consistently told there is something inherently wrong, dirty, and shameful about our bodies. And yet, as my 13-year-old self figured out, one of the biggest reasons people want to be sexual is the pursuit of pleasure.

Too often consent is taught as a checkbox — an obstacle a partner needs to get past to gain access to sex.

Today, as a consent and pleasure educator, I teach students what I wish I’d learned growing up: that these two concepts go hand-in-hand and are both keys to a satisfying sexual experience. Too often consent is taught as a checkbox — an obstacle a partner needs to get past to gain access to sex. Consent, of course, is a mandatory part of any sexual experience, and I’m relieved that it is being more widely discussed. However, like sex education in general, it is often focused on avoiding risks, including sexual assault. We need real and practical talk about consent, pleasure, and sex, for safer and more ethical connections. When we move past our tendencies to focus on the mechanics of sexual acts, we set ourselves up to have satisfying sexual and intimate relationships.

That starts with good sex ed, which, for me, means understanding that there is no one-size-fits-all model for sex and intimacy. It involves actively challenging the dominant sexual scripts we are all fed, shaped by our social location, our family, our culture, previous sexual experiences, and the media we consume, including porn. Currently, we are taught heterosexist ideas of how cisgender men and cisgender women are supposed to act — myths that certain bodies are worthy of pleasure, while others are not; that men should always be up for sex, always be the sexual aggressor, and have multiple sexual partners. All while we teach women they should be passive, their pleasure should be predicated on what their partner enjoys, and they should refrain from expressions of sexual desire to ensure that they are never seen as a slut. Furthermore, the sexual experiences of 2SLGBTQIA people like myself are hardly ever included in mainstream sex education.

Wouldn’t it be so much better if our partner said “so we both consented, now what? I want to know what feels good for you and share what feels good to me.” What would our sex lives look like as adults if, from a young age, there were ongoing, honest conversations about pleasure, relationships, sex, and communication? What would it mean for your sex life if you were given the skills to explore what kinds of sexual activity (be it solo or with others) give you pleasure? I believe that these skills would also help us all to feel confident when communicating with our sexual partner(s) that a particular sexual activity doesn’t feel good. We all have the right to pleasure and it’s not a scarce resource, despite what we often hear.

Good sex ed also includes learning about how power operates in sexual relationships. Rarely do we learn about how dominant sexual scripts are built on things like white supremacy, anti-Black racism, misogyny, and capitalism. These scripts can lead some people to believe they can have unfettered access to our bodies, or the expectation that they should never be rejected in their own pursuit of pleasure, regardless of how the other party feels.

We know that sexual assault can take place after someone has initially consented to sexual activity. What if sex education talked about the pleasures of hearing and saying no? Imagine knowing how to deal with being rejected as well as rejecting someone, saying, “not now, no or maybe later.” Imagine knowing how to be a partner that checks in, listens, and responds with care on an ongoing basis. Knowing that it’s okay if someone isn’t attracted to you. That rejection is not about shame or being unlovable — it’s about someone feeling safe enough to say “not this time” or “not ever.” A “no” to you is a “yes” to ourselves, and isn’t that what we want? We want to be with people who we desire and who desire us.

Wouldn’t it be so much better if our partner said “so we both consented, now what? I want to know what feels good for you and share what feels good to me.”

I want us all to have the skills to non-verbally check in with a partner; slow down the pace, stop altogether, look into their eyes, pause to see what they would do next, breathe together, grab a glass of water. I want us all to be well-versed in communicating about what we both want before anything starts, about how we are feeling during a sexual experience, and our aftercare needs — no matter if it’s a one-time hookup or a long-term relationship.

Imagine how much better your relationships would be if you knew how to communicate during sex, not just “slower faster, slower, harder, use two fingers, YES, right there.” But also how to verbally check-in: “What is your favourite way to…; I’m only into this if you are. How are you feeling? It’s okay for us to stop; Is this a good touch for you; Would you like it if we…?; Want to switch it up or slow it down?; Are you into this

Working daily with survivors of sexual violence, I know all too well the importance of checking in with ourselves. I want sexual health information that affirms that we can learn to understand and listen to our bodies, to know what signals our body and mind give us when something feels good. I want us to be able to discern if we are nervous-excited or nervous-scared about an intimate situation. Self-touch, even if it’s not genital-focused, is one way to pay attention to our emotional and physical reactions. This can help us grow to understand our boundaries, work through triggers, and practise being present during sex. For many people including survivors, this can be a safer way to gain sexual confidence in ourselves.

Trusting ourselves is a skill that many of us are told to ignore so that people, including our family members, can have access to us without consent — like pressuring you to hug an uncle despite your misgivings. I want us all to have the ability to give ourselves permission to move away from an unwelcome situation, or an unsafe relationship without fear. What if we create space in education that affirms our bodies and minds to know what we need?

Thirteen-year-old me might not have invented masturbation, but I still consider myself a genius for realizing that pleasure was something I had a right to. Even if it took decades to recognize that there is nothing to be ashamed of in pursuing it.

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Parents, for your ‘quaranteenager’s’ sexual health, talk to them about taking risks

For teens, the pandemic has spotlit the risk of not being able to take risks associated with establishing new intimate relationships outside of the family.

By

For the past year, the pandemic has shaped how young people have been forced to consider risk. Masks, social distancing, hand washing, staying home — these are new norms of safety for life as what’s popularly been dubbed a “quaranteenager.”

And yet, as the weather warms, and we take tentative steps outside, teenagers will begin to navigate their own desire for face-to-face contact and socializing and their need to stay safe in the pandemic.

As parents work to support teenagers’ emotional and physical well-being this spring and summer, let’s not forget the ways this pandemic has interrupted their sexual development. Teens are supposed to be establishing new intimate relationships outside of the family.

Instead, a year-long lockdown has kept teens close to home and increased their time with parents or household members and cut them off from most physical contact with peers.

Just as COVID-19 has required parents to have difficult and frank conversations with the teens about health risks, the pandemic provides an opportunity for parents to have frank conversations about sexuality and safety as well.

Two people holding hands.The pandemic provides an opportunity for parents to have frank conversations about sexuality and safety

Teenage years interrupted

Like adults, teens have spent the year in various stages of lockdown, but the cost of this time in isolation affects teens differently. Gone are many of the familiar experiences that are important to developing an emerging sense of self and the wider world in high school: dances, sleepovers, concerts, sports, parties, field trips.

All these losses add up for teens and emerging research shows the pandemic has taken a toll of young people’s mental well-being.

Sexual health researchers caution that sex education could get lost in a shift to online learning at school. They also speculate that one of the short-term effects of the pandemic on teenagers’ sexual health could be less contact with sexual partners — and that “longer term outcomes will almost certainly affect sexual activity and intimate relationships.”

Some clinicians testify that in their pandemic practice they’ve noticed young people are having less sex and with fewer partners.

But none of this means teens have given up on sex: A study of gay and bisexual boys aged 14-17 in the United States finds they they are watching more porn.

A study of female-identifying Canadian teens aged between 16 and 19 finds girls were more reliant than ever on new media to initiate and maintain dating relationships, using online apps and social media to virtually flirt and hook up.

Reorienting after COVID-19

Reorienting ourselves after a year of living under the threat of COVID-19 social, economic and health effects will be difficult.

Besides worrying about viral infection, parents have spent the year concerned about social isolation, lack of exercise and digital over-exposure.

As teens slowly emerge from the pandemic and reconnect in real life with their peers, they will bring this experience of living under lockdown to their dating and romantic relationships.

Teens walk in an alley.
A group of teens walk through Fan Tan Alley in downtown Victoria, Nov. 26, 2020.

Rethinking ‘good’ parenting of teens

Many social researchers insist that a post-pandemic life should not be a return to normal. As they argue, normal life was marked by glaring social inequalities that have only deepened during the pandemic. For parents of teens, as well, a return to normal would signal a return to concerns about the risks of sexual activity. But what if the pandemic was an occasion for parents’ to rethink their relationship to their teen’s sexual risk-taking?

As social work and sexuality scholar Laina Bay-Cheng argues, too often “good” parenting of teens has meant restricting access to sexual information in the name of protection.

She advocates for an ethical shift that asks parents to normalize teen sexual behaviour, provide access to information and resources and transform the social conditions that make teen sexual activity dangerous.

The risk of no risks

One lesson the pandemic offers is a chance to notice the risk of not having opportunities to take risks. Perhaps the pandemic can provide a chance for parents to grant their teenage children what disability scholars have called “the dignity of risk.” Our duty of care cannot trump teenagers’ evolving capability to reasonably assess risks worth taking.

Rather than frame risk as something to be avoided, young people could be supported to make decisions about risk in their lives, including sexual risk, in ways that don’t put their own or others’ well-being in jeopardy. Yes, this means talking to teens about consent, but these conversations also should touch on the ordinary risks we all take in our sexual lives, including the risk of rejection and the surprise of pleasure.

As my research has explored, how we talk to youth about sexuality matters among other reasons because the most intimate of our experiences can come to shape how we see and act in the world. Seen from this point of view, risk is not an obstacle to development but the very grounds of its possibility.

Talking with teens

Let’s talk with teens about the relationships that matter to them.

As teens venture out to explore and experiment with sexuality and forge their new, post-pandemic identities, let’s not begin every conversation about sexuality with worries about pregnancy and disease.

Instead, let’s afford young people the “dignity of risk,” not only in their sexual development but in their whole lives — their friendships, their schooling and their work.

Such conversations can lay the groundwork for the possibility of teens or young adults still enjoying spending time at home whether during the pandemic or beyond.

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Not as simple as ‘no means no’

— what young people need to know about consent

By

A recent petition circulated by Sydney school girl Chanel Contos called for schools to provide better education on consent, and to do so much earlier.

In the petition, which since Thursday has been signed by more than 5,000 people, Contos writes that her school

… provided me with life changing education on consent for the first time in year 10. However, it happened too late and came with the tough realisation that amongst my friends, almost half of us had already been raped or sexually assaulted by boys from neighbouring schools.

So, what core information do young people need to know about consent? And is the Australian curriculum set up to teach it?

What’s in the curriculum?

This is not the first time young people have criticised their school programs. Year 12 student Tamsin Griffiths recently called for an overhaul to school sex education after speaking to secondary students throughout Victoria. She advocated for a program that better reflects contemporary issues.

Australia’s health and physical education curriculum does instruct schools to teach students about establishing and maintaining respectful relationships. The resources provided state all students from year 3 to year 10 should learn about matters including:

  • standing up for themselves
  • establishing and managing changing relationships (offline and online)
  • strategies for dealing with relationships when there is an imbalance of power (including seeking help or leaving the relationship)
  • managing the physical, social and emotional changes that occur during puberty
  • practices that support reproductive and sexual health (contraception, negotiating consent, and prevention of sexually transmitted infections and blood-borne viruses)
  • celebrating and respecting difference and diversity in individuals and communities.

Despite national guidance, there is wide variability in how schools interpret the curriculum, what topics they choose to address and how much detail they provide. This is further compounded by a lack of teacher training.

A study of students in South Australia and Victoria, along with repeated nationwide surveys of secondary students, have shown young people do consider school to be a trustworthy source of sex education. But most don’t believe the lessons have prepared them adequately for relationships and intimacy.

They want lessons that take into account diverse genders and sexualities, focus less on biology, and provide more detail about relationships, pleasure and consent.

The national curriculum also stops mandating these lessons after year 10 and many year 11 and 12 timetables are focused on university entrance exams or vocational learning opportunities. This means senior students have limited opportunity to receive formal sex education at a time when they really need it.

So, what should young people know about consent?

The term “consent” is often associated with sex, but it’s much broader than that. It relates to permission and how to show respect for ourselves and for other people. Consent should therefore be addressed in an age-appropriate way across all years of schooling.

Younger children can be taught about consent with relation to sharing toys.

The most important point about consent is that everyone should be comfortable with what they’re engaging in. If you are uncomfortable at any point, you have the right to stop. On the other side, if you see someone you are interacting with being uncomfortable, you need to check in with them to ensure they are enthusiastic about the activity, whatever it may be.

In the early years, students should be taught how to affirm and respect personal boundaries, using non-sexual examples like whether to share their toys or give hugs. It is also important they learn about public and private body parts and the importance of using correct terminology.

In later years, lessons should consider more intimate or sexual scenarios. This also includes consent and how it applies to the digital space.

Older students need to learn sexual activity is something to be done with someone, not to someone. Consent is a critical part of this process and it must be freely given, informed and mutual.

Consent isn’t about doing whatever we want until we hear the word “no”. Ideally we want all our sexual encounters to involve an enthusiastic “yes”.

But if your partner struggles to say the word “yes” enthusiastically, it is important to pay attention to body language and non-verbal cues. You should feel confident your partner is enjoying the activity as much as you are, and if you are ever unsure, stop and ask them.

Often this means checking in regularly with your partner.

Young people also need to know just because you have agreed to do something in the past, this does not mean you have to agree to do it again. You also have the right to change you mind at any time — even partway through an activity.

It’s not as simple as ‘no means no’

The most recent Australian survey of secondary school students highlighted that more than one-quarter (28.4%) of sexually active students reported an unwanted sexual experience. Their most common reasons for this unwanted sex was due to pressure from a partner, being intoxicated or feeling frightened.

We should be careful not to oversimplify the issue of consent. Sexual negotiation can be a difficult or awkward process for anyone — regardless of their age — to navigate.

Some academics have called for moving beyond binary notions of “yes means yes” and “no means no” to consider the grey area in the middle.

While criminal acts such as rape are perhaps easily understood by young people, teaching materials need to consider a broad spectrum of scenarios to highlight examples of violence or coercion. For example, someone having an expectation of sex because you’ve flirted, and making you feel guilty for leading them on.

When it comes to sexual activity, we should be clear that:

  • although the law defines “sex” as an activity that involves penetration, other sexual activities may be considered indecent assault
  • a degree of equality needs to exist between sexual partners and it is coercive to use a position of power or methods such as manipulation, trickery or bribery to obtain sex
  • a person who is incapacitated due to drugs or alcohol is not able to give consent
  • wearing certain clothes, flirting or kissing is not necessarily an invitation for other things.

We should also challenge gender stereotypes about who should initiate intimacy and who may wish to take things fast or slow. Healthy relationships involve a ongoing and collaborative conversation between both sexual partners about what they want.

Consent is sexy

A partner who actively asks for permission and respects your boundaries is showing they respect you and care about your feelings. It also leads to an infinitely more pleasurable sexual experience when both partners are really enjoying what they are doing.

It is important that lessons for older students focus on the positive aspects of romantic and sexual relationships.

They should encourage young people to consider what sorts of relationships they want for themselves and provide them with the skills, such as communication and empathy, to help ensure positive experiences.

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How to talk to kids about sex

— An age-by-age guide to sex education for parents

t’s important to discuss sex with your children throughout their lives.

By Rebecca Strong

  • It’s never too early to discuss gender identity or consent.
  • Non-judgmental, inclusive, body-positive language is key.
  • Teens say their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex.

Talking about sex with your kids may feel overwhelming, but it’s important to keep an open line of communication at an early age.

Children who are well-educated about their own sexuality will likely have higher self-esteem and make choices about their sexuality that they are happier with.

It can also ensure they feel safe coming to you with questions and concerns instead of uninformed peers or the dice roll of the internet.

Clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, PhD, recommends researching the physical changes your child is experiencing at every age and listening to them while encouraging an open dialogue rather than lecturing them.

We spoke to Kapow, as well as board-certified child psychologist Lea Lis and certified sex educator Laura McGuire, for guidelines on how to talk to kids about sex at every age.

Kids under the age of 5 

You may assume it’s too soon to start talking to your preschooler or toddler about sex, but it’s only natural for them to have some questions about their bodies as they begin to walk and talk, according to Mayo Clinic.

For example, if your toddler asks where babies come from, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends giving them a truthful but simple response. For example, you can say “each person starts as a combination of seeds from two people. That seed grows inside of a place called a uterus, which is inside of a belly.

Topics to address at this age

  • Anatomical names for private body parts:  If your child asks about their gender as it pertains to their genitalia, parents should avoid euphemisms or “pet” names. Klapow recommends telling them the anatomically correct term for it, and what it’s used for — like how pee comes from a penis or a vulva. Using standard anatomical terminology for private body parts promotes self-confidence, open communication, and positive body image, as well as gives them the proper language to seek help in the event of sexual abuse or a medical issue.
  • Gender: They haven’t developed a concept of nakedness or modesty yet, but according to the National Center on Parent, Family, and Community Engagement, toddlers begin to understand the concept of gender identity as early as 18-24 months. Parents can encourage their children to feel comfortable exploring and defining their gender by teaching them that they are not limited to toys or clothes that are traditionally assigned to their sex.
  • Consent: Experts agree that the earlier you can bring up the concept of consent, the better. At this age, board-certified child psychologist Lea Lis suggests talking about what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. For instance, if your preschooler’s friend is being rough with them on the playground, you can use those situations to ask them what types of physical touch they don’t like, and how they can say “no” to a friend. Adults should aim to respect their children’s “no” or as much as possible, too.

    “Around 18 months, a child can observe modeled behaviors such as asking permission and observing signs that someone is uncomfortable to respect that boundary,” says Laura McGuire, a certified sex educator. So how you interact with your child, other kids, and other adults also demonstrates consent for your child. You don’t have to use the word “consent” with a preschooler — using clear but simple terms like space, body, and touch are more likely to be understood at this age.

Elementary school-aged kids 

Whereas toddlers and preschoolers may only require vague answers to questions about sex and their bodies, experts say school-aged children tend to want to dive deeper with more specific questions about the link between sexuality and how babies are made.

Rather than make any assumptions, Mayo Clinic advises asking what they already know when they come to you with a question. Then, you can clear up any misconceptions, and provide any details they may be missing. You might ask, “well, can you tell me what you think it means?” and go from there.

For example, the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry recommends explaining their birth story by saying something along these lines: Dad’s seed (or sperm) comes through his penis and combines with mom’s seed (or egg) in her uterus, and then the baby grows there for nine months until it’s strong enough to be born.

Another common topic is erections, which can happen as early as a baby’s first few months of life. Once they’re old enough to ask you about it, you might just explain that a penis is typically soft, but sometimes “gets hard and stands up straight”. Emphasize that this is healthy and normal and may feel good. As they explore their bodies, allow all children to to enjoy pleasure without shaming them or batting their hands away, especially if they are in the privacy of their own home, bathroom, or bedroom.

Topics to address at this age

  • Setting boundaries: It’s important that children in elementary school learn outright what a boundary is and how to set one, Klapow says. Learning to say no and communicate when they feel uncomfortable is essential for preparing them for future sexual encounters at an older age.
  • Gender: Regarding gender, Klapow says children between the ages of 5–10 start to form ideas around their gender and sexual identity. If your child comes to you with confusion about their identity, you can let them know that having a particular sex assigned at birth doesn’t mean a person has to relate to a specific gender or sexual orientation.

    “You can talk about the fact that some people identify as boys, some as girls, some as neither, and that these identities can change,” says McGuire. It might be helpful to draw similarities to TV or book characters for younger kids and pop culture references for older kids. 

Middle school-age kids 

Between ages 11–13, your child will begin experiencing a surge in hormones that can cause the physical changes of puberty as well as more intense sexual feelings.

Lis recommends letting your adolescent know what types of bodily changes are normal during puberty, including the growth of pubic hair and other body hair, the development of breasts, acne, and the start of menstruation.

After letting your child know what to expect in terms of menstrual bleeding, you should also explain hygiene product options and clarify that a period usually indicates the body can become pregnant. Mayo Clinic says this might also be a good time to explain what wet dreams are. It may also be a good time to begin conversations about family values, including around the topics of dating and masturbation.

If you feel comfortable, you can share stories from your own experience of adolescence.

As your adolescent approaches the age of 13, Lis advises educating them about the forms of contraception that are available while also reiterating the idea of consent. She recommends clarifying that condoms can reduce your risk of STIs as well as unwanted pregnancy, while a birth control pill cannot prevent STIs and is only intended to prevent pregnancy.

“Keep the message clear: This is normal, and you want them to come to you if they have questions. You will not pass judgment and you will support them no matter what.” Klapow says.

Topics to address at this age

  • Pornography: A 2017 survey by the American Psychology Association found that the average age a child is first exposed to online porn is 13.37 years of age, and for the majority of men (43.5%), that first exposure is accidental. Lis strongly advises keeping adolescents away from porn by monitoring their technology use. However, if you discover that they’ve seen explicit images or videos, she suggests reminding them that the people are actors, not all bodies look that way, and that not all the acts are common in real-life partnered sex.
  • Sexting: A 2019 study found that sexting is associated with increased sexual risks, such as having a higher number of partners, using drugs and alcohol, and not using contraception. That’s why it’s important to talk to your adolescent about the potential consequences of sharing provocative images and messages — like the fact that the image could spread to other classmates, or that they could be charged with distributing child pornography and face legal repercussions, whether they send, download, or forward the image. Let them know they should never feel pressured to send a photo that makes them feel uncomfortable. 
  • Sexism: Give adolescents examples of female athletes and coders, or stay-at-home dads and male dancers, or gender-diverse folks to help counter traditional notions of gender roles. That way, they feel free to pursue whatever interests and extra-curricular activities they desire. Be sure to discourage your child from participating in “locker room talk,” and explain why objectifying people is disrespectful, while also coaching your kids about double standards and how they can respond to sexist comments.

High school and college-age teenagers

While many sex ed topics may be covered in your teen’s health class, you still play an important role in their attitude and behavior around sex from the age of 14 onward.

What the research says: A 2012 national survey revealed that teens say their parents have the greatest influence over their decisions about sex — more than friends, siblings, or the media. Most teens also admitted that making decisions about delaying sex would be easier if they could talk openly and honestly with their parents. A 2010 study revealed that teens who talk with their parents about sex are more likely to delay intercourse and to use condoms when they do.

After making sure your teen knows where to get contraception and how to use it, Mayo Clinic says you might want to explain other ways they can reduce their risk of contracting STIs, like keeping their relationship exclusive to one partner or asking sexual partners if they’ve been tested, as well as getting tested themselves regularly.

Klapow also suggests bringing up conversations about safer sex with their doctor at routine checkups, as doctors can serve as a confidential source of support and education for your teen. Consider leaving the room so your teen can ask questions more freely.

According to Mayo Clinic, it’s important to remind your teen that there are many ways to express affection — like holding hands, dancing, kissing, and touching — without having penetrative sex and that it’s OK to wait until they feel ready. You may also want to let them know that they should never have sex because they feel pressured by a partner, and make sure they know the definition of rape.

Lis advises directly asking your teen about their level of sexual activity, starting with: “Have you ever been kissed? How did you feel about it?” and then using this conversation as a way to re-coach them about what consent looks like, how to say “no,” and how to handle rejection in a healthy way. She also says it’s critical to explain how the effects of alcohol and drugs connect to getting and giving consent. Consent always should be enthusiastic, freely given, and not under the influence of substances.

“Explain that sex will be less fulfilling when you’re drunk and it’s better to wait so you can experience the joy in sex,” says Lis.

Teens need to know that intoxication affects their decision-making. Lis suggests telling your teen to establish a buddy system or “no friend left behind” policy so that they never abandon friends who are drunk or high, and so they can rely on their friends to look out for them as well. Making sure they have a safe way to get home is also very important.

Important: When talking about love and relationships, be sure to use inclusive language like “partner,” rather than assuming your child is heterosexual.

Hookup culture has created a lot of confusion for teens around what’s expected of them sexually. Lis recommends telling your high-schooler that a sexual partner or experience may be temporary, but should still be pleasurable, kind and considerate — which means no ghosting or bragging to your friends. “Basic sexual etiquette should be demanded and expected,” she says. “This includes sending a text or calling the day after to tell the person you enjoyed the experience.”

You may also want to share how love and emotional connection can play a role in sex being more meaningful or pleasurable. “Encourage teens to be honest about what feels good and what does not with a partner as this helps in establishing boundaries,” says Lis.

The older your child gets, the more in-depth your explanations will need to be — but it’s never too early to touch on topics like gender identity and consent when they come up.

Using non-judgmental, inclusive, and body-positive language is key, no matter what you’re discussing.

“Don’t pretend that you know it all and they don’t,” says Klapow. “Engage with them about what they are seeing on the internet. Be a partner in their exploration.”

When in doubt, McGuire says to remember that you can always reach out to certified sex educators to help you find resources and fill in any gaps you may experience along the way.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual fantasies are completely normal

— Here are the 7 most common ones

By Callie Tansill-Suddath

  • There is a wide range of common sexual fantasies from multi-partnered sex to daydreaming about sex in public. 
  • Other common sexual fantasies include voyeurism, sex with a partner of the same gender, and romantic sex.
  • Before acting on a sexual fantasy it’s important to establish consent and adhere to local laws regarding public nudity. 

Sex is a topic that can spark many complicated feelings. Even the most sex-positive folks can find themselves feeling confused and uncertain when reflecting on the arousing, erotic mental images — otherwise known as sexual fantasies — they conjure up in their head. 

It is easy to get caught up thinking your innermost thoughts are deviant. But, chances are even your most taboo fantasies are normal and healthy. In fact, evidence suggests that those who have sexual fantasies experience less anxiety and a greater sense of self-esteem.

Daydreaming about sex is completely normal, and acting on a shared fantasy may even help spice up a relationship. Just make sure that you establish consent and boundaries with your partner, and are following all local laws around nudity and sex.

Below you will find examples of some of the most common fantasies people experience — and how to act on them safely. 

1. Multi-partner sex

Multi-partner sex involves sex with more than one partner of the same or different genders. Sex with three partners may be called a threesome and more may be called an orgy.

A 2017 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior involving 274 Canadian university undergraduates revealed 64% of participants had some interest in multi-partner sex.

Another study published in Personality and Individual Differences involving 788 British adults found that men specifically may fantasize more about multi-partner sex. Male participants of the study were more likely to fantasize about sex with multiple people and with anonymous partners. Meanwhile, women’s fantasies were more likely to include same-sex partners and famous people.

2. Dominant or rough sex

Rough sex is a sexual act that is aggressive, animalistic, and perhaps somewhat violent. It is often depicted as more passionate than other kinds of sex, but can also be associated with unhealthy abusive sex. Though, rough is not inherently dangerous or abusive.

BDSM, which encompasses much of rough sex, stands for bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism and masochism. BDSM encompasses many different kinks — often considered atypical sexual practices. Dominant or submissive sex often involves the consensual assuming and relinquishing of power between those involved. It can involve tying your partner up, spanking, and an entire spectrum of other behaviors and emotional entanglements. 

Some people are aroused by light restraint, others by intense physical pain.

Psychological roleplay — like that between a teacher and student or a boss and employee — may also be considered BDSM as it involves an exchange of power.

Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist whose research focuses on sexuality, discovered this fantasy is wildly popular when doing research for his book on the science of sexual desire called Tell Me What You Want. He surveyed 4,000 Americans and found 93% of women and 81% of men had fantasized about being sexually dominated. Further, 85% of men and 76% of women had fantasized about being sexually dominant.

3. Voyeurism or exhibitionism

Voyeurism is arousal caused by watching an unsuspecting person or people engaged in a private intimate or sexual act. A small 1991 study found 54% of men have voyeuristic fantasies. Meanwhile, a 2006 Swedish study found that of 2,450 adults surveyed in 1996, 7.7% had reported becoming aroused watching other people have sex.

Exhibitionism is on the other end of voyeurism; it is the act of becoming aroused by others consensually watching you have sex or by exposing parts of your body to unsuspecting participants. Both of these kinks can be considered problematic if one is unable to control their urges, if the fantasy causes emotional distress, or if legal issues arise.

You probably won’t be able to act on this sexual fantasy. In the US, and many other countries, it is illegal to watch or tape anyone having sex without their consent. Additionally, public nudity is illegal in most of the US, although the definition of nudity may vary by state.

4. Sex in public or an unusual location

Sex in public is another popular fantasy that may fall under exhibitionism. In Lehmiller’s same survey, he found 81% of men and 84% of women were aroused by a public sex fantasy.

It’s important to note that acting on this fantasy is often illegal. Though actual guidelines vary by the municipality — for instance, public nudity is legal in areas like Denver where people of all sexes can go topless — sex acts in public are illegal in all 50 states.

5. Roleplay and cosplay

Despite their similar names, roleplay and cosplay are distinct fantasies:

Unfortunately, there has not been a great deal of research done on the topic of sexual roleplay or cosplay. An issue in the International Journal of Roleplaying suggests this is because sexologists consider it to be an “insignificant factor of foreplay,” and therefore, is not explicitly included in research questionnaires.

6. Romantic sex

Romantic sex is different than many fantasies because there is no specified definition — what is romantic for one person may differ for another.

In theory, any kind of sex can be romantic. Romantic sex is “…a sexual relationship in which there’s an emotional and erotic connection. It could be long and slow and sensuous, it could be tantric sex, it could, you know, have some BDSM involved in it,” says Deborah Fox, a clinical social worker and certified sex therapist.

Tantric sex, for example, is slow and doesn’t fixate its end goal on orgasm. Instead, the goal of it is to focus on the entire sexual experience and any sensations it brings up. 

Lehmiller reports finding romantic sexual fantasies more popular among younger respondents of his survey. He also found 91% of straight men, 88% of straight women, and 87% of gay and bisexual men and women, fantasize about their current romantic partner — making partners the most common person respondents fantasized about..

7. Gender-bending and homoeroticism

Gender-bending is when a person challenges societal expectations of their gender. Modern American examples of it trace back to 1920s vaudeville and can be linked to present-day drag shows. People of all sexual orientations can practice gender-bending. It’s important to note that this is different from transgenderism, which is when someone has a gender identity or gender expression that differs from their assigned sex at birth.

Homoeroticism is a fantasy that involves sexual acts with members of the same sex. It can be — and is often — experienced by people who identify as heterosexual, not just homosexual or queer.

In fact, a 2019 paper published in Social Forces suggests 3.6% to 4.1% of men and 7.6% to 9.5% of women report some level of same-sex sexual or romantic attraction.

Further, sexual desire is not an either or situation, nor does it define your sexual identity. For example, a heterosexual cisgender woman who is in a sexually fulfilling relationship with a cisgender man can still have fantasies about other women.

Fox thinks of sexuality as a spectrum, or a bell curve. On one tail of the curve is being completely straight, and on the other tail is being completely gay. Most people fall somewhere in the middle. 

“People might identify as straight, but they can have a little titillation about you know, imagining, or even engaging [in same-sex sexual acts],” says Fox. “Some heterosexual people do have sex with the same gender person occasionally…having that homosexual fantasy, I don’t think it necessarily means anything about their identity in and of itself.”

Tips for approaching your partner with sexual fantasies

Trying out fantasies with your partner is exciting and thrilling. But, before you start, there are important aspects of experimentation you should ensure are in place for utmost safety and pleasure.

1. Establish consent

The most important thing to establish when having sex with partners is consent. It shows a partner you respect them and their body, and a sexual act without consent is assault.

Consent is explicit, non-coercive permission to engage in a certain act, in this case, one of a sexual nature. It can be revoked at any time. It is the most vital aspect of healthy sex.

Consent is not merely “no means no” — but more of a “yes means yes.” It looks like:

  • Consistently checking in with a partner throughout a sexual experience
  • Asking explicitly if they like something before you do it
  • Discontinuing an act if they ask you to stop — even if they agreed to it beforehand

2. Discuss boundaries

To have the safest possible experience, you must be transparent about what it is you want and don’t want. This can include:

  • Set an agreed-upon plan for how the sexual encounter might go, including what is off-limits
  • Establish a safe word to say when you begin to feel unnerved, so your partner knows when to stop,

The basis of these boundaries is consent, which can be relinquished at any time. It is important to get permission before trying anything new, or even if it’s something you do regularly.

3. Use proper protection

To avoid transmitting any STIs, ensure you practice safe sex with a condom or other barrier.

Other forms of birth control like an IUD or spermicide do not protect against STIs; inform your partner beforehand if you may be carrying one.

4. Treat your partner with respect

Sex is intimate and should only be experienced somewhere and with someone who you feel safe with.

Understand vulnerability must be embraced when having sex, and do not say or do anything that may make your partner feel judged. Take it slow, especially when trying new things. Voice any concerns or thoughts you may have throughout.

The bottom line

Sexual fantasies are nothing to be embarrassed about. Desire is a key part of sexuality and having fantasies is normal, common, and healthy.

Just because you have a fantasy does not mean you want to act on it. But if you do, it is important to establish consent, respect your partner’s boundaries, use proper protection, and make sure you are following local laws around sex and nudity.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How BDSM Frameworks Can Teach You to Talk About Sex

by Davey Davis

While they might look the same to the untrained eye, BDSM is the opposite of Fight Club: The first rule of BDSM is that you talk about BDSM. A lot.

One of the many things that annoys me about mainstream depictions of kink is how infrequently you see negotiation—the actual conversation—between kinksters in movies and TV. In the real world of BDSM, communicating about what we want to do, how we’re going to do it, and what our limits are before, during, and after a scene is the norm among experienced players—and should be the norm, period. In most mainstream depictions of the subculture, however, we usually see kink without preamble (and often it seems to play out in a world where consent is murky at best).

While non-negotiated kink and non-consensual harm (otherwise known as assault) do occur in the BDSM community—that’s another essay for another time, my friends—these limited and unrealistic depictions portray BDSM as an inherently dangerous activity and lifestyle. But in BDSM, there’s only one bad fantasy: that responsible play can be self-centered, unintentional, and unaccountable to a greater community. When responsible players put that fear aside, kink can be emotionally and physically sustainable as well as, you know, really fucking hot.

To be clear, I have no interest in whitewashing or defanging BDSM. It’s not a mainstream pastime! But what I do have an interest in is making sure that all players, especially new and inexperienced ones, have the tools they need to play and participate in BDSM—and all sex, more broadly—in ways that are the most responsible.

So what does it mean to be responsible about something that, to the uninitiated, might seem so very irresponsible? In the community, we have three helpful acronyms used as shorthands for talking about just that.

SSC—Safe, Sane, and Consensual

The oldest of these three acronyms, SSC can be traced back to the 1980s, when gay S/M clubs were trying to promote what we now call informed consent, both within their circles and beyond.

In broad terms, “safe” means that the risk of any kink activities should be understood by all participants and either eliminated or reduced as much as possible. “Sane” refers to the need to approach these activities in a commonsense way, with all parties able to discern between fantasy and reality (this could apply to mental state as well as to levels of inebriation and/or mind alteration from substances). “Consensual” means that everyone has freely consented to the activities on the menu and can alert other players if that changes at any point during the scene.

The growing popularity of the leather scene within the broader gay community meant that these organizations—namely Chicago’s Hellfire Club and New York’s Gay Male S/M Activists (GMSMA)—needed a slogan that communicated their values to other kinksters as well as to a world hostile to their rising profile. According to David Stein, a GMSMA committee member, the club wanted to differentiate themselves from stereotypes of S/M as “harmful, antisocial, predatory behavior.”

RACK—Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

Around the turn of the Millennium, a new evolution of SSC was born with RACK. RACK is both in conversation with SSC as well as a challenge to it; “safe” and “sane” are subjective terms that don’t mean the same thing to everyone. “I don’t know about you, but most of the BDSM I participate in would not be considered safe,” writes BDSM educator Daemonumx in her newsletter.

A leather associate of mine, Daemonumx shares with me an interest in play that is risky by any standards, and certainly by vanilla ones. No matter how cautious we are, there are inherent risks to these (very fun) activities. This means that RACK suits our purposes better than SSC does.

We go into a scene having educated ourselves, to the best of our ability, about the risks we and everyone involved are taking on; like participants of skydiving, mountain-climbing, and childbirth, we are taking part in something that can be fun, pleasurable, transcendental, or worthwhile without requiring that it be “safe.”

“‘Risk-aware’ means that both parties to a negotiation have studied the proposed activities, are informed about the risks involved, and agree how they intend to handle them,” writes Gary Switch.

In a subculture in which learning is self-taught or taught via apprenticeship, skill share, or workshop, skill-based knowledge is diffuse and often difficult to access, period. Add that to the natural diversity in “risk profiles” and desires, and one size simply doesn’t suit all. Writes Cross for XCBDSM, “RACK puts the responsibility… on the individual. It empowers each person to define their own risk profile.”

Finally, the “sane” in SSC stigmatizes mental illness—something that us paraphiliacs, with our history of pathologization, could stand to be a little more sensitive towards.

PRICK—Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

Which brings us to PRICK, a newer acronym I’ve only seen more of in the last few months. As a player who came up in the time of RACK, at first I was mildly annoyed to discover an acronym that didn’t immediately seem to add anything new to the responsibility framework. But the more I thought about it, the more it began to make sense.

What does PRICK do that RACK doesn’t? It makes a space not only for risk awareness but for personal responsibility regarding the risky choices we make—a useful distinction for a practice that very often exists within an unequal power dynamic. As a masochist, the physical risk I am taking when I submit my body to pain and even damage is much greater than that taken by the sadist wielding it—but the sadist is taking risks too, including the emotional responsibility of potentially harming me, as well as the legal responsibility for that harm should something go awry (not that I would personally involve the authorities, but the possibility of their involvement is one of the unfortunate risks that we take when we play!).

Within the PRICK model, my partners and I go into our scene not only aware of the risks, but with the intention of taking responsibility for our decisions (this does not include consent violations, of course, which are something for which only violators are responsible). There are experiences and even a few kinky relationships that I regret, but where there was consent, I don’t have bitterness or anger. The consent feels empowering, even in retrospect.

The need for acronyms like SSC, RACK, and PRICK conveys the high-maintenance nature of our hardware-heavy lifestyle—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My wish is for this approach to desire to be more normalized in the broader culture, too. While discourse around enthusiastic consent, sex positivity, and #MeToo has attempted to address the need for communication, “vanilla” people, straight or queer, can learn a thing or two about safety, consent, and desire from BDSM frameworks.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does Sexual Coercion Look Like?

by Crystal Raypole

Sexual trauma can happen in many ways, and it doesn’t always involve physical force. Sexual coercion, for example, happens when someone pressures or manipulates you into having sexual contact when you don’t want to.

Sexual coercion can be confusing and deeply distressing. You know what happened wasn’t right, but you might not fully understand how or why. You might even believe they couldn’t have assaulted you since you said “yes” in the end.

Here’s one important thing to know, though: True consent is given voluntarily.

If you only consent because you want the other person to stop pressuring or threatening you, you didn’t really consent.

Coercion describes any attempt to control your behavior with threats or manipulation.

Sexual coercion, then, happens when someone won’t accept “no” and continues to try to convince you to change your mind about engaging in sexual activity.

In this article, we’re using “sex” as shorthand to describe any and all forms of sexual contact or activity. There is no one definition of sex, and what’s considered to be sex varies from person to person.

For example, this might include:

  • kissing, licking, or sucking
  • touching, rubbing, or grinding
  • fingering or stroking
  • cunnilingus or fellatio
  • vaginal or anal penetration

Once you turn down sex, the story should stop there. But this doesn’t always happen.

Sometimes, coercion is pretty blatant. For example: “If you don’t have sex with me, I’ll tell everyone we’ve been having an affair.”

Other times, it might take a more subtle form. For example: “Here, why don’t you have a glass of wine and get out of those work clothes, and we’ll just see what happens.”

Common coercion tactics include:

Coercion typically remains in the realm of verbal and emotional pressure. That said, it isn’t uncommonTrusted Source to give in to coercion if you’re afraid the manipulation and pressure will escalate to physical aggression and violence.

Sexual coercion often happens in romantic relationships, but it can also happen in other contexts — between acquaintances, co-workers, friends or family, at school, at a party, or anywhere else.

If you don’t really want to have sex but agree because you feel obligated or don’t want the other person to get mad, you aren’t consenting voluntarily.

Coercion happens when someone wants you to consent when you’ve already said no or otherwise expressed disinterest. They might use threats, persuasion, and other tactics to get the outcome they want.

When alcohol is involved

Most people can still consent after moderate drinking, but you can’t consent if drugs or alcohol have impaired your ability to make decisions.

Say you’re on a date. You’ve had a couple of drinks, and the alcohol has given you a pleasant buzz, but you don’t feel drunk. What you do feel is great chemistry with your date. From the way they’re looking at you, they feel the same thing.

“Want to head back to my place?” They ask.

“Definitely,” you reply.

As long as neither of you are incapacitated, you can still consent.

When someone keeps offering you drinks with the goal of getting you to agree to sex when drunk, that’s coercion.

In a relationship

Being in a relationship does not mean you give ongoing consent.

Everyone has the right to decide when they do and don’t want to have sex. Once you say no, your partner should respect that. Any threats, wheedles, guilt trips, or other persuasion intended to wear you down counts as coercion.

With that in mind, you might wonder if it’s coercion when a partner tells you how sexy you look in that outfit or gives you a sensual massage to try and get you in the mood.

Typically, the difference comes down to a few key factors:

  • their intent
  • whether you’ve already said no
  • how they respond to your refusal

Let’s say you tell them, “I’m not feeling it tonight.”

They reply, “That’s OK. I’m happy just massaging you, unless you want me to stop.”

This gives you the choice to continue the current level of intimacy with no pressure for more.

If, a little later on, you decide you actually do feel like sex, this isn’t coercion — as long as the decision really does come from you.

It would, however, be coercive if they insist they want to help you relax, but then ask repeatedly, “Are you sure you aren’t feeling a little sexier after all this massaging?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to trying BDSM for the first time

How would you even bring it up with your partner?

By Natalie Morris

For total beginners. the world of BDSM can seem incredibly intimidating and miles out of your comfort zone – but there simple ways to ease yourself into it, if you’re curious.

If you only have the vaguest sense of what BDSM actually is, you might ask yourself a number of questions before you give it a try: How can I be dominant? Do I want to be submissive? What equipment will I need? How do I bring this up with a partner? How ‘kinky’ should I be?

As with any sexual exploration with a partner, the key thing here is communication. Talking to your partner about your desires, their desires and what both of you do and don’t want, should be the starting point for exploring BDSM.

Once you’ve covered that conversation, it can be hard to know where to actually get started, and hard to build up the courage.

But, if you’re interested in giving BDSM a try from a novice perspective, the sexperts at Satisfied Box are on hand to answer all of your awkward questions:

What is BDSM?

This is, of course, the first question that needs to be answered.

There is a bit of a debate on exactly what this four-lettered acronym means:

  • B&D – Bondage and Discipline
  • D&S – Dominance and Submission
  • S&M – Sadism and Masochism

The first thing to acknowledge is that just because you’re interested in BDSM, it doesn’t mean you need to practice all of the above. You certainly can, if you would like, but BDSM involves engaging in any one or more of these elements.

‘The way you choose to practice BDSM depends entirely on your, and your partner’s, preferences,’ say the sexperts. ‘No two dynamics are the same, and communication will be an integral part of your kinky endeavors.’

Communication, trust and consent

Communication isn’t the only important thing between you and your partner, you also need a great deal of trust and, of course, consent.

The Satisfied Box sexperts explain that there are a couple of community guidelines that stress the necessity of these concepts:

  • RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
  • SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual)

‘Regardless of what tools, toys or techniques you choose to experiment with, we can’t emphasise enough just how important these guidelines are,’ they add.

‘Whilst many (especially beginners) will engage in a considerably light and playful form of BDSM, it’s important to understand that there are risks of both physical and mental harm when engaging in this erotic practice.’

How to talk to your partner about BDSM

Despite the fact that our significant other should be the one person we can talk to about anything, deep down we all know it’s not that simple.

‘It can be incredibly daunting to bring up an interest in something that society is typically judgmental about,’ the sexperts tell us. ‘Especially with the one person you never want to be judged by.

‘If you want to try out some BDSM, however, communication is the first step. After all, the most successful relationships rely on honest, compassionate communication.’

They explain it like this – if you already have a poor level of trust with your partner, you probably shouldn’t engage in BDSM anyway. If you have a good level of trust with your partner, then (although it may still seem daunting) there should be no issue in making them aware of your fantasies and desires.

‘Bringing this up doesn’t have to mean straight-forward verbal communication, if this feels way too scary,’ the experts add.

‘You could leave them a saucy note, or watch a particularly kinky film together,’ suggest the sexperts.

‘You could even begin by asking them if they have any unexplored kinks or fantasies themselves. Who knows, they might even suggest BDSM first.

‘Just remember that for BDSM to work, it’s essential that both parties are interested and no one feels pressured into doing something they don’t want to do.

‘You both need to be incredibly open with how you feel and what you want – before, during and after.’

Introducing BDSM to your relationship

If you’ve got past the most difficult stage – bringing up your desire in the first place – you now need to work out exactly how to introduce BDSM into your relationship.

The sexperts say that it is important to stress that BDSM doesn’t have to involve the cliché latex outfits and whips, let alone anything as dramatic as sex dungeons or humiliation (although this is all perfectly acceptable if you’re both into it).

‘In fact, it’s more than likely that, if assessing your regular sexual habits, you have already engaged in a little BDSM already,’ they explain.

‘Do you and your partner ever like to pin each other down during sex? Or maybe scratch and bite at each other a little, or even experiment with some light spanking? All this falls into the considerably broad category of BDSM, albeit very lightly.

‘If you do any of the above, a natural progression should be quite clear. You shouldn’t rush anything. There’s no need to jump to the extremes straight away.

‘If you like pinning each other down, why not try tying each other up? If you like a bit of spanking and biting, why not try a bit of hair pulling, or even just spanking and biting a bit harder.

‘Just make sure that everyone involved is consenting, and that you have a safe-word prepared just in case things get a bit too much.’

And remember – you definitely don’t have to try BDSM. If the idea of it is just way too intimidating or stresses you out, it is fine to decide that it isn’t for you. It doesn’t make you a ‘prude’ or unadventurous.

Similarly, if you try BDSM and realise that you’re not enjoying it, or you change your mind, it’s also fine to stop and never try it again.

Trying new things in the bedroom should come from a place of pleasure and security, you should never feel pressured to do anything.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Negotiating Safe Socializing Has a Lot in Common With Negotiating Safe Sex

By April Dembosky

Ina Park has been in a monogamous marriage for more than 15 years, but she feels like she’s been having one safe sex conversation after another these days.

Like, after she and some close friends spent time together without masks on, forcing her to later ask: “Are you seeing other people?”

Then, the mother of her son’s friend suggested letting the boys play basketball together, leading to detailed negotiations about risk tolerance, boundaries and protection.

“Those are conversations that some of us were used to having in the past and have not had for a long time,” said Park. “Now, suddenly, we’re having to have these awkward, safe sex-type conversations with all types of people that you wouldn’t ordinarily have to have these conversations with.”

Park is a doctor who treats people with sexually transmitted infections at the San Francisco City Clinic and author of a book about STIs, “Strange Bedfellows“, so she’s used to explaining to people, when you have sex with someone, you’re essentially having sex with whoever else they’re having sex with.

Now, it’s whoever you’re breathing next to.

As Bay Area residents emerge from strict shelter-in-place rules and consider getting a haircut or hosting a family BBQ, we have a lot to negotiate with each other about what we’re willing to do, with whom and how.

All this requires some nuanced communication skills. Doctors and sex education teachers, as well as polyamory and BDSM practitioners, have years of best practices and guidance to offer, drawing various parallels between negotiating safe sex and negotiating safe socializing.

“If you really want to make sure your partner uses a condom, you have to express why it’s important to you and why it’s aligned with your values and why that’s something that you need from them,” said Julia Feldman, who runs the sex education consultancy, Giving the Talk. “If you want your mom to wear a mask when you see her, you need to explain why it’s important to you and why it’s aligned with your values.”

Feldman helped develop sex education curriculum for the Oakland Unified School District. She says Bay Area schools have shifted away from knowledge-based teaching — sperm fertilizing the egg, etc — to focusing more on communication skills like these; skills many adults have never received formal training on.

“The more people communicate what they want and what they desire and what they’re comfortable with, the more we actually get what we want,” Feldman said. “This is a really good time to practice that.”

Feldman has been practicing her skills over and over during the pandemic, like when she invited a friend over for a socially-distanced cocktail in her backyard. They had an extensive conversation about how they would sit (six feet apart); what they would drink (her friend would accept a can she could wipe down); whether they would wear masks (no); if Feldman would serve snacks (no).

Sex educator Julia Feldman says the same communication skills she teaches teens about sex are helpful for everyone during the pandemic.

“Because if you show up at someone’s house and they have a beautiful spread and they’re expecting that you’re just going to dig into a platter of food with them, and that’s not what you’re comfortable with, there might be disappointment on their part,” Feldman said. “There’s a lot of emotions involved.”

Her friend also asked in advance if she could use Feldman’s bathroom while she was there.

“So I disinfected this one bathroom and created a pathway through my house. But it really was only because she was cognizant of articulating that need and I was able to take time to accommodate it,” she said. “If she had showed up and said, ‘Oh, I really have to pee. Can I use your bathroom?’ I don’t know what I would have done.”

Lessons from Kink

This very detailed thinking and advanced negotiating shares similarities with the world of BDSM; sexual role-play, involving bondage, dominance and submission.

“You start tying people up without consent and it just goes south right away — you just can’t do that,” said Carol Queen, staff sexologist at Good Vibrations, the sex toy and sexual health company with locations throughout the Bay Area.

Good Vibrations sexologist Carol Queen says we have a lot of lessons we can borrow from the BDSM and polyamory communities in negotiating consent during the pandemic.

She suggests considering a common tool from the BDSM world: a detailed spreadsheet of every possible kinky activity — from leather restraints to nipple clamps — with columns to be filled in for yes, no or maybe. It’s a conversation starter for beginners and helps facilitate conversations ahead of kink parties. Queen says we need an equivalent checklist for the coronavirus.

“That helps people do that very first step of understanding what their own situation and needs and desires are,” she said. “Somebody, make this list for us!”

Queen has always emphasized that communication doesn’t stop once you get to the party. In her starring role in the 1998 instructional video/feminist porn film, Bend Over Boyfriend, she stressed the point repeatedly: “It’s deeply important that you are verbal with each other and say, ‘Yes, no, faster, I’m ready, I’m not ready.’ It’s very important because if you’re going on your partner’s wavelength, you’re going to have a greater experience.”

Two decades later, through a pandemic, she said it still holds true.

“The idea that it’s okay to be that talkative in the service of safety and comfort really is what we learned from that,” Queen said. “It’s a very important lesson in sex and, these days, under most other circumstances.”

Negotiating commitment

As some counties start to encourage people to form social pods or “quaranteams” as a way to limit socializing among two or three households, we now essentially have to decide which of our friends or family we ask to go steady with us.

“I wish I had more polyamorous friends to help me navigate that situation,” said Park, the STI doctor. As in, folks with experience brokering different levels of intimacy with multiple partners and establishing ground rules for the group.

As a physician who often talks with patients about infidelity when an infection enters the picture, Park wonders how pods will deal with social infidelities.

“There’s inevitably going to be betrayals, ‘Oh, I cheated on our pod with somebody else,’ and then having to disclose that to the pod,” she said. “Does the relationship recover? Or do you kick that person out of your pod forever?”

In Park’s experience, it’s always better to admit to an affair before an infection enters the picture, whether it’s chlamydia or the coronavirus, so everyone can take precautions. With the coronavirus, the offending pod member can self-quarantine for two weeks away from the rest of the group, so no one gets sick.

But whether you’re being kicked out of a pod or no one’s invited you to be part of a pod in the first place, the experts agree we all need to get better at handling rejection. The pandemic is temporary, but we’re in it with our loved ones for the long term, so we need to respect each other’s anxieties and boundaries.

“Don’t take it personally,” said Queen. “We’re all new here at this party.”

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