When you hear the word “submissive,” what do you think of?
Many people think sexual submissiveness is all about allowing yourself to be (consensually) “punished” or otherwise denigrated, but the reality is much more complicated.
And thanks to either sensationalist or outright false portrayals by movies and pop culture, myths and misinformation continue to abound when it comes to this unique area of sexuality.
In this piece, we spoke to several leading sexperts in the world of BDSM and beyond who know what it means to navigate submissive play time in a healthy, safe way.
So if you’re curious about exploring your submissive side, or wondering what that might look like, read on.
What Is Sexual Submission?
“Sexual submission is a form of power exchange and a way to experience a consensual negotiation of surrendering power or decision-making to another person,” says Mark Cunningham, a licensed marriage and family therapist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, psychedelic therapist and owner of Adaptive Therapy.
Ideally, says Cunningham, these actions are things that are discussed and mutually agreed upon prior to the experience.
“These negotiations define how one person may demand or take action toward another person,” he says.
If that sounds a little vague, it’s in part because submission is a broad concept. BDSM play is not a “one size fits all” or uniform area of sexual expression in the least.
“There is almost no ‘always’ when it comes to BDSM play,” says BDSM educator and author Jay Wiseman.
Being a submissive can thus vary widely depending on what you and your partner agree to.
“Sexual submission can involve the use of props, toys, ropes, nipple clamps, cages, and so much more,” says Cunningham. “Or it can purely be a psychological or behavioral relationship that does not involve any use of items.”
In other words, how you play is all down to you and your partner (or partners).
It’s also important to remember that “submission and kink are not always related to one another,” clarifies Leighanna Nordstrom MA, MFT-C of Break the Mold Therapy. “Kink is about non-normative sexual expression (i.e., trying all the things you didn’t learn about in traditional sex ed); submission is about power and control (i.e., allowing someone to determine how you feel and behave during certain scenarios).”
Meaning, you can be in an otherwise “vanilla” relationship, but still have a little power exchange dynamic in a sexual relationship, or you can use submission as a vehicle to explore various kinks, such as those that often fall under the umbrella of humiliation play.
Being a Sub Isn’t Set in Stone
It can be useful to see “submissive” and “dominant” power dynamics as appetites, instead of hardened identities. (And being a submissive also does not necessarily make one a “bottom” automatically either, contrary to many people’s assumptions — it’s definitely possible to bottom while domming, and vice versa.)
In a tutorial video, the world-renowned sexologist, educator and author Midori discusses the differences between topping and bottoming, and how these terms can work in the context of BDSM power exchange — but can also apply even if you’re more on the vanilla side, too.
“Top is usually the person doing an action — being in charge, doing the tying, doing the spanking, or being physically on top, or going ‘into’ the other person’s body with a finger, tongue, dildo or penis. Top may or may not include being dominant or sadistic,” Midori explains.
“Bottom is the person who is receiving the actions: being spanked, poked, nipple-clamped, penetrated, or following the orders. Bottoming may or may not involve being submissive [all the time] either,” she adds.
Therefore, this is why, as Midori suggests, it always a good idea to ask a current or potential new partner what exactly they mean when they say: “I’m a submissive” or “I’m a bottom” — and really listen to their explanation, because all too often people make the mistake of assuming that expressing sexuality is a uniform experience or undertaking when this is not the case.
Additionally, Midori cautions against assuming that our sexual appetites for how we want to experience sexuality are set in stone: “Sometimes we get really stuck in the idea that ‘I am a top’ or ‘I am a bottom’ [but] don’t narrow yourself, paint yourself into a corner being attached to an identity; these are ‘appetites,’ not identities,” she explains.
As such, it is totally normal for your appetites to change or evolve over time — it’s merely human nature.
As Nordstrom says, “If you’re reading this, you may be developing a new appetite for submission in sex. This could be because your appetite for dominance has been more than sated, or because you have become curious what other possibilities sex could hold if you were to experiment.”
Exploring Sexual Submissiveness & Masculinity
If you’re curious about sexual submission but worried that your sexual partner(s) might see you as less manly if you’re not fulfilling the dominant archetype, that’s understandable. It’s normal to experience anxiety when we crave the acceptance of a partner and are not sure how they will react.
However, if you “zoom out” and look at the bigger picture, you can see where this anxiety is ultimately born from outdated social stigmas and sexist stereotypes of manhood and gender roles.
As Cunningham suggests, ask yourself a question: “First, whose values/definition of masculinity are you using to define your masculinity, and do you agree with that or is this something you have simply adopted without much reflection?”
Cunningham also notes that “many top leaders in positions of power like CEOs, or high-ranking military members for example, are drawn to submissive play because of the freedom, excitement, and healing that they can experience in moving outside of their ‘normal’ mode of operation as a leader or position of power.”
“Sex is a powerful way for us humans to cope and express parts of ourselves that we may struggle to access in our day-to-day lives,” he adds.
In other words, you could be the most powerful man in the world, with days filled with success and conquering, but at night you might find yourself wanting the release of surrendering to a partner who’ll be in control.
Kink and power exchange can be a great, temporary escape from reality and the baggage that comes with the performative roles we all play in mundane society.
In short, you are not “lessened” in the least by wanting to explore submission; being brave enough to admit your true desires and allowing yourself that opportunity means you can be enhanced by a new depth of connection and variety in your sex life.
How to Talk to a Partner About Your Submissive Desires
Ok, I want to explore: What are some ideas for communicating with my partner about my submissive desires and fantasies?
Assuming your breakfast conversation does not get particularly kinky, you might be in need of an “icebreaker” or two. Not to worry! There’s no need to make this terribly complicated or convoluted…
“Having a ‘catalyst event’ for bringing up the conversation can be an easy “in,” says Nordstrom. “You might say, ‘Hey, I was reading this magazine, and it made a suggestion about having positive, playful conversations about sex with your partner. I’d love to try it! Would you?’”
Or, Nordstrom adds, “Instead of springing your newfound submissive appetite onto your partner, consider trying to have a positive conversation about your whole sex life, and work the submissive appetite into the conversation.”
In other words, “zoom out” and share with your partner what you already really enjoy about being with them–and then ask them what they’re enjoying — and would like to try. This way, you both have the opportunity to be and feel heard.
As another “in,” Wiseman also suggests commenting on a book, movie, TV show or other piece of pop culture that depicts a D/s dynamic.
And notwithstanding submissive desires, having an understanding of your partner’s fantasy life can help you to better understand where they are coming from and what might excite them.
Nevertheless, it’s always good to remember that it totally is normal for someone to have sexual fantasies that they do not necessarily want to act out in real life—so never, ever take for granted the need to establish clear consent.
Now, if you and your partner already enjoy open communication about your sex life (yay!), then by all means go ahead with a straightforward Q&A session.
Midori suggests you ask your partner how they would like to feel in a dominant role.
“This isn’t about what toys to use or what you end up doing,” she explains. “This is about the core of [their] pleasure, leading to your hot submission. [Do they] want to feel adored, cruel, gentle, imperious, fickle, selfish, nurturing, powerful, or….? Then ask yourself how you want to feel: surrendered, willful, obedience, devotional, small, strong, enduing, obliterated, vulnerable, or…? And [then] find an overlap of emotional journey in your scene.”
Additionally, give yourself and your partner some grace, especially if you are navigating uncharted waters together.
“It is very common to have fear, uncertainty, confusion and many other challenging feelings in addition to excitement and curiosity when considering submissive exploration,” says Cunningham. “Do your best to name and even journal about your feelings and thoughts and to share these with your play partner so you can feel a greater sense of connection, understanding and ultimately intimacy.”
But remember: this erotic play time should also be a source of unabashed joy and delight; being open to the experience fuels the enthusiasm, Nordstrom says.
“When it comes to trying out any new sexual behavior, I have to remind my clients that sexisplay!” she explains. “This means that it may be cumbersome, awkward, messy, confusing, or funny. But it shouldn’t be a job with an expected outcome. Going into new sexual scenarios in a curious mindset opens doors for anything to happen, instead of just focusing on one specific outcome.”
Best Practices for Exploring BDSM Submissiveness
According to Wiseman, good ‘best practices’ include getting adequate education and talking ahead of time about what will occur. In other words, sexual submission is not something you ever do (or expect your partner to do) ‘spontaneously,’ and certainly never under duress.
As with many other pursuits, when you are new to BDSM, it’s best to start slowly, as Nordstrom suggests: “My recommendation when partners are playing around with power dynamics is to always start slow, evaluate how different sexual acts are working, adapt behaviors as needed, and then go deeper into the dom/sub roles.”
“I cannot stress the importance of consent enough,” Nordstrom adds. “Creativity can take over when partners engage in BDSM. That said, it’s still VERY important to check in each time a new idea gets added to the sexual scenario. With consent comes trust (i.e., I believe you will ask me before you do something new to my body AND I believe you will tell me if I’ve done something that went too far).”
Nordstrom continues: “Safe words or actions are vital to any kink/BDSM scenario. Simple, easy to say words are best for safe words. “No” is not a good safe word, because, depending on the intensity of the scene, you may be begging your partner to stop when what you really want is for them to keep going.”
And this is where sexual submission can baffle outsiders.
“The funny thing is that in a power exchange relationship, the person who is in the submissive role is actually in a greater degree of control, because of their prior defining of their soft/hard boundaries and in their ability to create the play scene and rules with the dominant or master partner(s),” Cunningham explains.
As such, it is important to understand that the best BDSM scenes involve mutual collaboration between the submissive and the dominant well ahead of play time. If the power exchange feels one-sided or reluctant, then it’s really not a true exchange and the excitement is lost.
“Kink desires are much like appetites,” Midori says. “Creating a scene with your partner is like planning, cooking, and sharing that meal together. Even when you are surrendering in the scene, the creation is collaborative. Both of you have to like the ingredients and the whole meal for it to be fantastic.”
When it comes to dating, honesty and communication are considered the two biggest tools in creating and maintaining a successful relationship. And relationships, as we know, come in all different flavors. Casual sex is of course one of them.
So why is it that when the relationship doesn’t necessarily appear to be headed down the aisle, and instead just toward the bedroom, sometimes people can freak out? Well, sex is delicate and personal for a lot of people, and it’s important to tread thoughtfully when you’re seeking something casual.
If you’re honest and directly ask a girl for sex, you might turn her off — or worse, offend her. But if you lie and put on a big show with dinner dates and flowers, then completely drop the other person after you hook up, you run the risk of hurting them.
So what’s a good way of telling someone, “I’m not looking for anything serious, just a sexual relationship,” without being offensive? How do you ask a girl for sex without being creepy? How do you tell a guy you just want casual sex? It all comes back to communication: how and what you say, and when you say it, matters. We spoke to Miss Couple, Bedroom and Sexual Empowerment Coach, to learn about developing more casual relationships. Here are a few ways to get to the point without resorting to trickery.
Understand What Kind Of Casual Sex You Want
“Something casual” can mean a lot of different things to different people, so make sure not only that your potential bedmate knows what you mean, but that you know what you mean. “Casual dating is often but not always non-exclusive, however it does not automatically imply non-monogamy — many polyamorous people have both casual and more emotionally attached partners,” Couple says. “Typically, casual dating is a connection that you pursue for fun, not commitment. Relationship labels like ‘partner’ or ‘girlfriend/boyfriend’ are absent from these dynamics.” You can also casually date someone without having sex with them. “Relationships are all about the art of giving and receiving,” Couple says, and this includes casual sex.
So when you want to know how to ask a girl to hook up or ask a guy to hook up, you need to pinpoint your own desires first. This involves asking yourself some questions. “What are you willing to give and what do you want to receive?” Couple asks. “Do you feel that the dynamic that you’re setting up is fair and balanced?”
You should also know why you’re seeking casual sex. If it’s for fun and pleasure, great! If it’s to heal yourself in some way, it’s better to take a step back. “If you are having casual sex because you are trying to get rid of some negative emotions, or you are wanting to feel some positive emotion, it probably won’t turn out good for you,” wrote Dr. Ryan Anderson in Psychology Today.
“I think that if you’re interested in a casual relationship, you should be upfront about that as soon as possible,” Couple says. “Casual dating means different things to different people, so getting very clear about what your needs, desires, and boundaries are is imperative.”
Couple details how you can figure these out for yourself in three steps. The first, she says, is determining what you need emotionally. “Emotional needs such as affection, acceptance, autonomy, empathy, trust, prioritization…etc. are really important to consider and clarify for yourself,” she says. “What are you truly looking for? What bar does someone have to reach in order for you to feel emotionally cared for and satisfied?”
Next, understand your desires — “What things would make the dynamic more enjoyable for you, but aren’t deal breakers?” she asks — as well as your boundaries. “What boundaries do you want to set? In addition to personal boundaries about your body and personal space, boundaries around friends, family, and especially social media are very important in casual dynamics.”
Talk Frankly About Casual Sex
When you know what you need, a discussion is necessary. To do this, Couple says, “Use ‘I’ statements to communicate what you’re looking for, and ask the other person if what you’re describing is a dynamic they might be interested in participating in.” Be clear, and know that they might say no. “If someone says no to a casual sexual dynamic, it’s probably because they’re looking for a more serious commitment or they feel like it will be too painful for them to engage in a sexual dynamic without that type of commitment,” Couple says. “Respect their boundary and wish them the best on their search for a more committed relationship!”
Fear of rejection is natural. Who wants to get shot down? But the reality is, there are going to be people who aren’t going to be down for what you’re offering. It sucks, but eventually there will be someone out there who wants what you want.
And If You’re Being Asked For Casual Sex…
An important part of this dynamic to note is when you’re the person being approached for casual sex. If this is not something that you want, simply say no. You’ll save both yourself and the asker a lot of trouble and drama. “I think the biggest mistake that people make with casual sexual dynamics is agreeing to them even though they want something more serious, thinking the other party will eventually come around,” Couple says. “This is manipulative and unfair. If you want something that the other person isn’t offering, then the dynamic isn’t for you.” And it’s OK to walk away and find something you do want.
What is consent? Consent is a key component of all healthy relationships. What you are or are not comfortable with in a sexual experience can change over time. Thus, it’s important to communicate your needs to your partner while also checking to see what their needs are.
Consent culture, where people in a community feel empowered to freely make decisions regarding their own comfort as it pertains to their sexual experiences, is created through open dialogue about sex.
As part of a continuous effort to bring that conversation to the BU community, Student Health Services hosted an event for incoming students at Orientation called Cones for Consent. The event was originally established by SHS’ Sexual Assault Response & Prevention Center (SARP). Students completed a quick survey and got free ice cream in exchange! As a Student Health Ambassador, talking with students about such an important topic at a fun event like this was nice. Being able to chat with such a large portion of the student body over a popsicle was a great way to close out the summer. Our discussions and the array of anonymous survey responses helped us better understand how BU students think about consent.
Here’s What Students Responded With:
“Consent culture means having respect for others’ boundaries.”
Defining boundaries is an important part of establishing a healthy relationship, and respecting them ensures that everyone feels safe and comfortable.
“It means that you openly communicate with your partner.”
Open communication empowers partners to discuss what they like, dislike, and everything in between.
“Creating consent culture lets us feel safe and empowered on campus.”
Consent culture makes the campus community a better place for us all!
“Consent is always an enthusiastic yes that can be taken back at any time.”
Consent should always be freely given. If a person feels uncomfortable or can’t give consent, stop what you’re doing.
Through the survey, students showed that consent culture is important to them as members of the BU community – so how can you encourage the development of consent culture in your own relationships?
Here are a few tips to help you get started!
Have a conversation with yourself:
It isn’t always easy to know what you want. That’s why it’s important to take time and reflect on what you’re comfortable with.
Consider what ideas you may have surrounding sex in general. These are often shaped by past experiences, but you’re the only one who can know what’s best for you!
Understand what boundaries are:
Boundaries are guidelines/limits that help you feel comfortable and safe. These boundaries should be respected.
Over time, boundaries can change. This is completely normal! It’s important to revisit them as time passes, just to check in and see if anything has changed.
Boundaries can be set regarding a large number of things. Examples include:
Using condoms when having sex
Getting screened for STIs before having sex
Types of sexual activities that you are comfortable (or not comfortable) with
How to have the conversation:
Clearly communicating your needs and wants will help everyone be on the same page.
Here are some fill-in-the-blank guides for communicating boundaries:
Before we have sex, I think it’s important for us to both get screened for STIs. It’s important to me, and will make me feel safe.
Just FYI, since we’re going out tonight, I don’t want to have sex if we’ve been drinking. It makes me feel ________.
I don’t feel comfortable with ______. If you’re not okay with that, we shouldn’t have sex.
AddressingConsent and boundaries in the moment:
You might think you’re okay with something, and then once you’re in the moment, it may not feel right. That’s okay, and you deserve to have your boundaries respected. Don’t be afraid to verbalize that.
“No” is a full sentence – you don’t need to give a reason or justification.
If you hear “no” during sex, stop what you’re doing and check in with your partner. Boundaries are not a one-and-done conversation. It can take time to fully discuss everyone’s boundaries, and that’s okay!
Imagine a new couple in their early 20s. Their relationship is fraying at the edges. She complains that if she doesn’t have sex with him, he mopes for days. If she does have sex with him, he’s happy for a few days before he begins complaining again.
He reports feeling lonely, that she’s not prioritising their relationship, and that he’s tried everything to spark her desire, but nothing works. He has two affairs in a year. She’s devastated and betrayed.
If my wife and I had been wise (and wealthy) enough to go to couples therapy at the lowest point in our marriage, this is how a therapist might have described us.
Shortly after my second affair, shocked and ashamed by my behavior, I began to read books about relationships, got into a men’s support group, started going to therapy, and expanded my friend circle so that my sexual relationship didn’t have to meet all my needs for human connection. Today, I provide therapy for couples in the area of relationships, sex and consent. In particular, I help men improve their relationships.
Because I’ve made these mistakes myself, I know I want to be loving, kind and generous. Most of my clients do, too. Here are four things I wish more men knew about consent.
Pressure kills desire
I used to express feelings of rejection, resentment and hopelessness because my wife and I “had not had sex in so long.” My wife would then go to the calendar and identify the numerous times we’d had sex recently. I could see she was right, but I also couldn’t change my feelings, because I was dependent on her to change my mood. This inability to soothe my emotions created sexual pressure for her.
This is a dynamic I see in my office regularly. When you can’t regulate your emotional responses when a partner declines your offers for sex, the emotional consequences of turning you down creates pressure for your partner. This negative pattern then taints any invitation, offer or initiation of sex inside a relationship. When your partner feels pressured, there’s no room for them to have their own desire, because your desire is taking up all the attention.
The absence of no is not the same as the presence of yes
One of the most common questions I get about this is whether ensuring you receive explicit consent will interrupt the flow of a sexual experience. But that should be the least of our worries. Do you know what interrupts the flow? Feelings of hurt and violation.
While learning consent communication, it may be awkward. But as you get more proficient in consent skills, it will interrupt the flow less, it will get sexier, and you will eventually find that it is a part of the flow with this partner. There will be a smaller learning curve with the next partner, as there is with everything in a new relationship.
The author with a copy of his book.
Don’t get defensive
Men, even if you think you’re a “good guy” who would “never do anything like that,” you need to understand that men’s violence against women is pervasive. There’s a reason that women are afraid of men. They have more than likely been a victim of a man’s violence or threats, or are close to a woman who has been a victim of a man’s violence.
If your partner is trying to navigate around past trauma, you can collaborate by asking a new partner, “Is there anything you need me to do, or not to do, to help you feel safe throughout this process?”
If you do trigger their trauma, even inadvertently, don’t get defensive.
I once decided to go for a walk in a recent ex-partner’s neighbourhood. Coincidentally, my recent ex sent me a text asking me where I was and I replied that I was down the street. Women readers have probably gasped.
When this triggered fears exacerbated by her experience with a past stalker, I acknowledged that I had made a mistake, apologised, left, and didn’t repeat the error. She later thanked me for changing my behaviour and helping her feel safer. If I had gotten defensive, I’d have only worsened the situation.
Consent is for you
Men aren’t used to the idea that consent is for us. This is an essential lesson for us to learn.
Eighteen years into our marriage, my wife and I agreed, after almost two years of talking and preparing, to open our marriage to non-monogamy. As I became more confident dating as a polyamorous man, I learned I also needed to use consent to protect myself and my heart.
I had a friend who expressed interest in me, but in her polyamorous relationships, there were some broken agreements and conflicts between partners. Most of those issues weren’t her fault, but they did affect her. This didn’t create a feeling of safety for me, so I said “no thank you” to her offers. But after engaging in many consent conversations, I eventually felt comfortable enough to negotiate a very memorable sexual relationship. I had protected myself with “no,” until “yes” felt right. If it stopped feeling right in the future, I knew I could return to “no.”
Consent isn’t about trying to get consent from our partner. Consent is for people of all genders and all levels of desire. Consent makes us feel better about ourselves and our relationships. I hope to teach more men to prevent harm and increase their capacity to maintain healthy relationships.
— Whatever you’re into, here’s what you need to know…
By Alice Porter
If you’re looking to change up your sex life and try new things, you might be interested in exploring the world of kink. But whether you’re googling new kinks in a private browser or dipping your toe into something like BDSM with a partner, you might end up feeling a little overwhelmed.
And if your only introduction to kink is how it’s portrayed in the media (Fifty Shades of Grey, we’re looking at you), you might assume it’s all dungeons, ropes and floggers. Of course, this is the case for some people, but there’s so much more to kink than just latex and rough sex and there are plenty of ways to explore it that are safe and pleasurable.
With more people exploring kink than ever – Feeld, the kinky dating app, saw a 250% rise in users between 2021 and 2022 – it’s worth knowing your safe words from your scene acronyms.
If you’re new to kink, you’re likely discovering lots of ideas that are new to you. This is exciting and you might just be about to open yourself up to a whole new world of pleasure. But there are a few things to keep in mind to ensure you and your partner(s) are safe as you step into a wonderful new world.
But listen, kink isn’t for everyone and it’s not something you should be pressured into by either society or a sexual partner. Sometimes good old back to basics sex is great. There’s a reason vanilla is everyone’s favourite flavour.
What is kink?
Kink refers to a wide range of sexual interests and activities, but it’s generally defined as a sexual activity or interest that society, generally, might consider unconventional. This includes things like roleplay, outdoor sex and power dynamics like Dom/Sub play, praise and degradation and cuckolding (watching your partner have sex with someone else).
You might have also heard of fetishes, which are slightly different, as they tend to involve attractions to very specific non-sexual things, like an inanimate object or a body part, such as feet. It’s important not to get kink and fetish confused because a fetish is a very specific sexual proclivity whereas kinks are much more common, although there are plenty of overlaps.
The most common kink you’ve probably heard of is BDSM, which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. It’s a catch-all term for lots of different types of relationships, dynamics and experiences, that often involve practices like choking, spanking and other elements of rough sex, if both partners consent to this. But many elements of BDSM are purely psychological, involving relationships where one person is sexually dominant and the other is sexually submissive.
Are BDSM and rough sex the same thing?
Rough sex isn’t necessarily BDSM and if rough sex is your kink, that doesn’t mean you’ll naturally be into chains and whips or psychological games and control. Rough sex tends to refer to sexual experiences that incorporate elements of pain or intensity for the purpose of pleasure. Of course, elements of rough sex are often part of BDSM practices and relationships, but they don’t have to be.
“Interestingly for many, BDSM doesn’t always include rough sex, but for some that enjoy combining rough sex with BDSM, there may be a mixture of consensual sadomasochism and power play dynamics happening,” explains Ness Cooper, a therapist and resident sexologist for sex toy company Jejoue. “Within some Dom and sub relationships, the individuals involved don’t explore sadomasochism at all and more see it as a form of relationship structure built around care, such as service submission or female led relationships,” Cooper continues.
Sometimes, simply knowing that you’re submissive or dominant to your partner is enough to turn you on and there are plenty of ways to show this that don’t involve physical domination. What matters is that you know your limits and how far you’re willing to give up control or be controlled, in and out of the bedroom.
“For some BDSM is a way of forming relationship routines and rituals, and this doesn’t have to include roughness or pain,” Cooper adds. “Rather these individuals may thrive from having a structured relationship that a heteronormative vanilla non-BDSM relationship structure doesn’t offer.”
How to stay safe when exploring kink
Kinks vary a lot and some kinks are riskier than others. For example, if your kink is wearing a particular type of outfit and engaging in gentle roleplay, there may be less of a physical risk than if your kink is being spanked with a paddle. Either way, there are a few things to keep in mind to make sure your experience of exploring kink is safe, sane and consensual.
1. Have a proper conversation about consent
It’s crucial that you take the time to talk about consent with a new partner and ensure you keep having these conversations on a regular basis, particularly if you’re experimenting with more unusual kinks or BDSM.
This might also include specifying what you like and dislike, which could change over time. “If you’re exploring any forms of rough play, chat about areas that you’re ok with being marked,” Cooper recommends. “Talk about consent and explore consent models that may work for your relationship dynamic,” she adds. There are a couple of consent models to consider, including FRIES and RACK. FRIES stands for consent that is Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic and Specific. Apply this checklist when discussing what you do and don’t consent to. Or use RACK, which stands for Risk Aware Consensual Kink when you’re discussing the possible outcomes of what you’re about to do. Do some research on consent to help facilitate your conversations and figure out what works for you.
2. Take things slowly
Just because you’re experimenting with kinky sex, that doesn’t mean you need to jump right in at the deep end and passion in the heat of the moment doesn’t excuse rushing in and not giving or getting consent. It can be exciting trying something new, especially if the idea of it turns you on, but your body and your brain will need time to adjust so don’t go steaming in.
“If you’re exploring BDSM with someone for the first time, including sex may be too much all at once and may result in some individuals crashing quickly during the experience,” says Cooper. “Taking things slowly and breaking things up into micro BDSM sessions [where you don’t actually have sex] may be easier at first until you’re both used to how each other’s bodies react.”
When it comes to other kinks and fetishes, you don’t have to dedicate a whole evening to them. There are ways you can incorporate them into the type of sex you usually have, easing yourself and your partner(s) in with little tasters here and there.
3. Keep things clean
If your kinks involve any types of prop or toy, remember the importance of hygiene. Taking your toys to the sink after hours of hot sex isn’t the hottest part of sex, but it’s definitely worth doing in order to avoid infections and things like thrush.
Looking after yourself as well as your toys is also important, explains Cooper. “Cleaning any areas that may have consensual marks before and after is important to avoid infection and making sure you disinfect items such as spanking paddles can help reduce any future risks,” Cooper adds.
4. Use safe words
A safe word is a term or phrase that signifies that one partner wants whatever is happening to stop. Choose one with your partner(s) and agree on what it means to you. For example, does it mean you simply want to stop the specific thing that is happening and move on to something else, or do you want to take a break from the scene altogether? Many people use the traffic light system – red, amber, green – so there’s a way to signify both of these things.
“Keeping safe words simple and accessible is important and talking through them before BDSM play is important,” Cooper says.
5. Remember aftercare
One of the most important parts of exploring a kink is aftercare. This is the part post-sex where you check in with your partner, talk about what just happened, what you enjoyed and what you didn’t enjoy and what you’d do differently next time. After sex, especially doing something kinky or new, it’s normal to feel vulnerable, so take this opportunity to show each other care and support.
If you’ve had some intense moments in your play session, ease each other down off the adrenaline high with soothing cuddles, massages and anything that makes you both feel good. Aftercare can be as simple as a shower together and a cup of tea.
Intimacy is a vital component of any successful relationship, and one key aspect of intimacy is the ability to openly and honestly discuss sex and sexual desires with your partner. In this article, we will delve into the importance of mastering the art of talking about sex, providing you with valuable insights and practical tips to foster a deeper connection with your loved one.
Understanding the Benefits of Open Communication about Sex
When couples engage in open communication about their sexual desires and needs, they unlock a multitude of benefits for their relationship. First and foremost, it strengthens both the emotional and physical intimacy between partners. By discussing your desires, you create an environment of trust and vulnerability that allows for a deeper connection to flourish.
Open communication about sex helps to resolve conflicts and address concerns that may arise. Misunderstandings and unmet expectations can lead to frustration and distance, but by openly discussing your needs, you can identify and address any issues, ensuring a healthier and happier sexual relationship.
Finally, discussing sexual desires promotes sexual satisfaction and exploration. It allows you and your partner to understand each other’s preferences, fantasies, and boundaries, enabling you to explore new experiences together and enhance your shared intimacy.
Creating a Safe and Supportive Environment
To embark on conversations about sex successfully, it is crucial to create a safe and supportive environment for both you and your partner. This begins with establishing trust and non-judgment. Ensure that your partner feels comfortable expressing their desires without fear of criticism or ridicule.
Additionally, setting aside dedicated time for these conversations demonstrates their importance and shows your commitment to understanding and meeting each other’s needs. It could be during a quiet evening at home or on a leisurely walk—choose a setting where you can both relax and focus on the discussion.
Active listening and empathy are also key components of creating a safe space. Truly listen to your partner, without interrupting or imposing your own opinions. Seek to understand their perspective and validate their feelings and desires. This will foster an environment where both of you can be vulnerable and honest.
Breaking the Ice: Initiating the Conversation
Starting the conversation about sex can be daunting, but with the right approach, you can break the ice and create an atmosphere of openness. Choose an appropriate time and place where you can both feel relaxed and uninterrupted. Express your intentions clearly by letting your partner know that you value their satisfaction and want to enhance your sexual connection.
When framing the conversation, focus on the positive aspects. Highlight the benefits of discussing sexual desires and emphasize that it is a natural and essential part of any loving relationship. By approaching the topic with positivity and enthusiasm, you set the tone for a productive and comfortable dialogue.
Effective Communication Techniques
Effective communication techniques play a vital role in discussing sex with your partner. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and desires, as they can help avoid sounding accusatory or critical. For example, say, “I would love to try something new that I’ve been thinking about,” rather than, “You never do anything exciting in bed.”
Active listening is equally important. Show genuine interest in your partner’s perspective and actively listen to their thoughts and feelings. Validate their emotions and let them know that you understand and appreciate their point of view. Additionally, asking open-ended questions encourages deeper conversations and allows for a more comprehensive understanding of each other’s desires.
Non-verbal communication and body language cues can also enhance your conversations about sex. Maintain eye contact, offer reassuring touches, and be mindful of your partner’s reactions. These non-verbal cues help create an atmosphere of comfort and connection.
The Power of Self-Reflection: Understanding and Communicating Your Desires
Self-reflection is a vital component of understanding your own desires, fantasies, and boundaries when it comes to sex. Taking the time to explore your innermost thoughts and feelings empowers you to engage in more meaningful and effective conversations with your partner. Here’s why self-reflection is important and some prompts or exercises to guide you:
1. Understanding Your Own Desires: Self-reflection allows you to delve into your own desires and gain clarity about what truly excites and fulfills you. By understanding your own needs, you can better articulate them to your partner, leading to more satisfying and mutually enjoyable experiences.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What activities or experiences have I found pleasurable or fulfilling in the past?
What are my current sexual fantasies or desires?
What turns me on mentally, emotionally, and physically?
Are there any specific boundaries or limits I have regarding sexual activities?
How do I feel about exploring new experiences or pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone?
2. Examining Your Boundaries: Self-reflection helps you identify your personal boundaries and limitations. Understanding what you are comfortable with and what you are not is essential for maintaining a healthy and consensual sexual relationship. It also enables you to communicate your boundaries clearly to your partner.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What are my hard limits or non-negotiable boundaries when it comes to sexual activities?
Are there any specific activities or scenarios that make me feel uncomfortable or trigger negative emotions?
How do I feel about experimenting with new activities or fantasies?
What are my emotional and physical limits in terms of intimacy and vulnerability?
3. Exploring Fantasies and Desires: Self-reflection allows you to explore your sexual fantasies and desires in a safe and private space. By understanding and acknowledging your own fantasies, you can communicate them to your partner with confidence, fostering a deeper level of intimacy and understanding.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
What are my current sexual fantasies or secret desires?
How do these fantasies align with my personal values and boundaries?
Are there any specific scenarios, role-playing, or power dynamics that excite me?
How comfortable am I with sharing my fantasies with my partner?
4. Expressing Yourself Effectively: Self-reflection empowers you to express yourself effectively and confidently when discussing your desires with your partner. It allows you to find the right words and articulate your needs, ensuring that your communication is clear, respectful, and mutually understandable.
Prompts for Self-Reflection:
How can I communicate my desires and boundaries assertively and without judgment?
Are there any fears or insecurities that hinder me from expressing my needs openly?
How can I create a safe and non-judgmental space for open conversations with my partner?
Am I actively listening to my partner’s needs and desires, and how can I improve in this area?
Engaging in self-reflection exercises or prompts can be a transformative and empowering journey. Remember, self-discovery is an ongoing process, and your desires may evolve over time. By understanding your own desires, boundaries, and fantasies, you equip yourself with the knowledge and confidence to engage in open, meaningful, and fulfilling conversations with your partner, fostering a deeper connection and greater sexual satisfaction for both of you.
The Power of Active Listening: Techniques and Tips for Effective Communication
Active listening is a crucial skill when discussing sex and desires with your partner. It involves not just hearing their words but fully engaging and understanding their perspective. Here are specific techniques and tips to enhance your active listening skills during these intimate conversations:
Paraphrasing and Summarizing: After your partner expresses their thoughts or desires, paraphrase their statements to ensure you have understood them correctly. Rephrase their words in your own language and repeat it back to them. This demonstrates that you are actively listening and seeking clarity. Additionally, summarizing their main points can help solidify your understanding and encourage further discussion.
Example: “So, if I understand correctly, you’re saying that you’d like to try incorporating more sensory stimulation during our intimate moments, like using scented candles and soft music. Is that right?”
Reflective Listening: Reflective listening goes beyond paraphrasing; it involves acknowledging and validating your partner’s emotions. Pay attention to the underlying feelings behind their words and reflect them back to your partner. This shows empathy and creates a safe space for them to express themselves authentically.
Example: “It sounds like you feel a bit anxious about sharing your fantasies with me. I want you to know that I appreciate your vulnerability and am here to listen without judgment.”
Non-Verbal Cues: Remember that active listening extends beyond words. Your non-verbal cues, such as eye contact, facial expressions, and body language, play a significant role in conveying your attentiveness and interest. Maintain eye contact, nod to show understanding, and use open and welcoming body language to indicate your engagement in the conversation.
Avoid Interruptions and Distractions: Give your partner your undivided attention during these discussions. Avoid interrupting or interjecting with your own thoughts before they have finished speaking. Put away distractions like phones or electronic devices to demonstrate your commitment to active listening.
Ask Clarifying Questions: If there are aspects that you’re uncertain about or need further elaboration on, don’t hesitate to ask clarifying questions. Seek specific details or examples to deepen your understanding and ensure that you are on the same page. This shows your genuine interest and commitment to comprehending their perspective.
Example: “When you mention wanting to explore new experiences, could you give me an example of something specific you have in mind?”
Practice Empathy and Open-Mindedness: Approach these conversations with empathy and an open mind. Set aside any preconceived notions or judgments you may have. Try to understand your partner’s feelings and desires from their unique perspective, even if they differ from your own. Validate their emotions and experiences without dismissing or invalidating them.
Active listening is a continuous process that requires practice and patience. By incorporating these techniques into your discussions about sex and desires, you create an environment of trust, understanding, and mutual respect. Your partner will feel heard and valued, fostering a stronger connection and deeper intimacy between you both.
Navigating Difficult Topics and Overcoming Challenges
While discussing sex can be exciting and fulfilling, it can also bring forth challenges and sensitive topics. It’s essential to approach these conversations with sensitivity and compassion. If either partner has insecurities or fears, provide reassurance and create a safe space for open dialogue.
Differences in sexual preferences may arise, but it is essential to approach them with understanding and respect. Find ways to compromise or explore alternatives that can satisfy both partners. If deeper issues related to past traumas or experiences surface, it may be necessary to seek professional help to navigate these complexities together.
Enhancing Intimacy through Exploration and Experimentation
Once you have established open communication, don’t be afraid to explore and experiment together. Encourage mutual consent and respect each other’s boundaries. Share your fantasies and desires, and be open to discovering new experiences and techniques. Regularly check in with each other to ensure that you are meeting each other’s evolving needs.
Dealing with Rejection or Disagreements
Rejection or disagreements regarding sexual desires can be challenging to navigate, but they don’t have to be detrimental to your relationship. It is crucial to respect your partner’s boundaries and limits. If they express discomfort or say no to a particular desire, honor their decision without pressuring or resenting them.
Managing rejection requires empathy and understanding. Remember that everyone has different preferences and comfort levels. Approach the situation with compassion and maintain emotional connection even when desires differ. By keeping the lines of communication open, you can find compromises or alternatives that maintain the intimate bond between you and your partner.
Navigating Cultural and Gender Dynamics in Discussions about Sex
It is crucial to acknowledge that cultural and gender factors can significantly impact discussions about sex within a relationship. Societal norms, values, and expectations regarding sexuality can vary widely, and individuals may have different comfort levels when it comes to expressing their desires. Navigating these dynamics sensitively and respectfully is key to fostering open conversations about sex. Here are some guidelines to help you navigate cultural and gender influences in your discussions:
Recognize and Respect Diverse Cultural Perspectives: Understand that cultural backgrounds can shape beliefs, attitudes, and expectations around sex. Be sensitive to the influence of cultural norms on your own views and those of your partner. Foster an open-minded approach that values and respects diverse cultural perspectives on sexuality.
Communicate About Expectations: Cultural expectations regarding gender roles, power dynamics, and sexual practices can vary. It is essential to have open conversations about your unique experiences, expectations, and any potential tensions that may arise due to cultural differences. Encourage your partner to share their perspectives and actively listen without judgment.
Embrace a Non-Judgmental Stance: When discussing sex, create a safe and non-judgmental environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their desires, boundaries, and concerns. Be mindful of any cultural or societal biases that may inadvertently influence your reactions or judgments. Approach the conversation with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand your partner’s point of view.
Seek Empathy and Understanding: Cultural and gender dynamics can create power imbalances within a relationship. It is essential to be mindful of these dynamics and strive for equality and mutual respect. Practice empathy by putting yourself in your partner’s shoes and seeking to understand their experiences within their cultural context. Validate their feelings and perspectives, even if they differ from your own.
Educate Yourself: Take the initiative to educate yourself about different cultural and gender perspectives on sex. Read books, articles, or engage in respectful discussions to broaden your understanding. This knowledge will enable you to approach conversations with cultural sensitivity, avoiding assumptions or stereotypes.
Emphasize Consent and Agency: Regardless of cultural or gender influences, consent and agency should always be central in discussions about sex. Encourage open conversations about consent, ensuring that both partners have equal decision-making power and respect each other’s boundaries. Prioritize enthusiastic and ongoing consent throughout your sexual relationship.
Seek Support and Resources: If navigating cultural or gender dynamics becomes challenging, seek professional guidance. A sex therapist or relationship counselor can provide specialized support and strategies to navigate these complexities effectively.
Remember, the goal is to foster open conversations that honor and respect the unique experiences, expectations, and cultural backgrounds of both you and your partner. By creating an inclusive and understanding space, you can strengthen your bond and cultivate a healthier and more fulfilling sexual relationship.
The Crucial Role of Consent in Sexual Relationships: Integrating Open Communication
Consent forms the foundation of healthy and respectful sexual relationships. It is essential to recognize and prioritize the importance of consent in all sexual encounters. Open communication plays a pivotal role in obtaining and respecting consent, ensuring that both partners feel safe, respected, and in control. Here’s why consent matters and how you can integrate it into your sexual discussions and encounters:
Understanding Consent: Consent is an ongoing, enthusiastic, and voluntary agreement between all parties involved in a sexual encounter. It is essential that consent is clear, unambiguous, and freely given without coercion, manipulation, or pressure. Consent must be actively communicated and can be withdrawn at any point if one or both partners no longer feel comfortable.
The Importance of Open Communication: Open communication is the key to obtaining and respecting consent. By fostering an environment of trust and respect, you and your partner can openly discuss boundaries, desires, and preferences. Here’s how to integrate consent into your sexual discussions and encounters:
Establish Consent as a Shared Value: Begin by having a conversation with your partner about the importance of consent. Emphasize that it is a fundamental aspect of your sexual relationship and that both of you are committed to practicing consent at all times.
Discuss Boundaries and Preferences: Engage in open and non-judgmental conversations about each other’s boundaries, desires, and comfort levels. Encourage your partner to express what they are comfortable with, what they are not, and any specific limits they may have. Share your own boundaries as well. Remember, consent is an ongoing process, and boundaries may evolve over time, so make it a regular topic of discussion.
Use Clear and Affirmative Language: When initiating sexual activities, use clear and affirmative language to seek consent. Ask for explicit verbal consent for each new activity or progression. For example, phrases like “Is it okay if I…?” or “Would you like me to…?” can be used to ensure that both partners are on the same page and comfortable with the next step.
Prioritize Enthusiastic Consent: Strive for enthusiastic consent, which means that both partners are actively and eagerly participating. Pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues that indicate enthusiasm, such as verbal expressions of desire, positive body language, and active engagement. Silence or hesitation should be interpreted as a lack of consent or a request for further communication.
Communicate Throughout the Encounter: Consent is not a one-time event; it should be ongoing throughout the sexual encounter. Continuously check in with your partner, both verbally and non-verbally, to ensure that they are still comfortable and consenting. Encourage open communication during the experience, allowing both partners to voice any concerns, desires, or changes in boundaries.
Respect Withdrawn Consent: It is essential to respect and honor the withdrawal of consent at any point. If your partner expresses discomfort, uses a safeword, or communicates a desire to stop or slow down, immediately cease the activity and provide emotional support. Create a judgment-free environment where your partner feels empowered to communicate their needs and boundaries without fear of repercussions.
Regularly Revisit and Reassess Consent: Consent can evolve over time, and it is crucial to revisit and reassess it regularly. Check in with your partner outside of sexual encounters to discuss any changes in boundaries, desires, or concerns. Regular communication ensures that both partners’ consent is continually upheld and respected.
By integrating open communication and enthusiastic consent into your sexual discussions and encounters, you create an environment of trust, respect, and mutual understanding. This approach fosters a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship where both partners can freely and confidently explore their desires while feeling safe and respected. Remember, consent is an ongoing process that requires active participation from both individuals involved, and it should always be at the forefront of your sexual interactions.
The Powerful Connection Between Emotional and Sexual Intimacy
Emotional and sexual intimacy are deeply interconnected aspects of a fulfilling relationship. They mutually influence and enhance one another, creating a profound bond between partners. By engaging in open discussions about sexual desires and needs, couples can foster emotional connection, while emotional vulnerability can enrich sexual satisfaction and build trust. Let’s explore the dynamic relationship between emotional and sexual intimacy:
Fostering Emotional Connection through Discussions about Desires:
When partners engage in open and honest conversations about their sexual desires and needs, it creates a space of vulnerability and trust. Here’s how discussing sexual desires can foster emotional connection:
Heightened Intimacy: Sharing intimate details about one’s desires and fantasies builds a deeper emotional connection. It shows a willingness to be vulnerable and allows partners to see and understand each other’s innermost desires and preferences.
Enhanced Communication: Talking about sexual desires requires effective communication, active listening, and empathy. This process helps develop communication skills that can extend beyond sexual discussions, improving overall communication in the relationship.
Mutual Understanding and Acceptance: Engaging in discussions about desires helps partners understand each other’s unique perspectives and preferences. This understanding fosters acceptance, reducing judgment or misunderstanding and creating a safe space for exploration.
Building Trust: Sharing desires requires trust and vulnerability. When partners openly express their needs without fear of judgment or rejection, it deepens the trust between them. This trust extends to other aspects of the relationship, promoting overall relationship satisfaction.
The Role of Emotional Vulnerability in Sexual Satisfaction:
Emotional vulnerability is essential for establishing a strong foundation of sexual satisfaction and trust. Here’s how emotional vulnerability can enhance sexual experiences:
Increased Intimacy and Connection: When partners feel emotionally safe to be vulnerable, it paves the way for a deeper level of intimacy during sexual encounters. Sharing emotions, fears, and insecurities allows for a stronger emotional bond, leading to enhanced sexual satisfaction.
Heightened Sensitivity and Responsiveness: Emotional vulnerability enables partners to be more attuned to each other’s needs and emotions during sexual experiences. This heightened sensitivity enhances responsiveness, leading to more fulfilling and satisfying encounters.
Overcoming Insecurities and Shame: By embracing emotional vulnerability, individuals can address insecurities and shame related to their bodies, desires, or past experiences. This self-acceptance promotes a healthier body image and enables individuals to fully engage in and enjoy their sexual experiences.
Deepened Trust and Emotional Safety: Opening up emotionally fosters a sense of trust and emotional safety within the relationship. Feeling secure in sharing vulnerable aspects of one’s self allows partners to let go of inhibitions and fully explore their desires together.
Intertwined Emotional and Physical Pleasure: Emotional vulnerability encourages partners to focus not just on physical pleasure but also on emotional connection and mutual satisfaction. This holistic approach leads to a more fulfilling and meaningful sexual experience for both individuals.
By recognizing the powerful connection between emotional and sexual intimacy, couples can cultivate a deeper level of understanding, trust, and satisfaction. Engaging in open discussions about sexual desires and needs while embracing emotional vulnerability enhances the overall quality of the relationship and creates a solid foundation for a fulfilling and passionate connection.
Evolving Sexual Desires and Needs in Long-Term Relationships: Nurturing Open Communication
In long-term relationships, it is natural for sexual desires and needs to evolve and change over time. As individuals grow and develop, so do their preferences and expectations when it comes to intimacy. Nurturing open communication about sex is crucial to adapting and sustaining a fulfilling sexual connection as the relationship progresses. Here’s advice on how to navigate these changes and ensure that both partners feel heard and fulfilled:
1. Embrace Change and Growth: Recognize that sexual desires and needs can evolve over time. Embrace this change as a natural part of the relationship journey. Understand that what satisfied you and your partner in the past may not be the same as what excites you both now. Approach these changes with curiosity and an open mind.
2. Create a Safe and Non-Judgmental Space: Establish a safe and non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their evolving desires and needs. Encourage open dialogue by assuring your partner that their thoughts and feelings will be received with understanding and respect. Avoid shaming or dismissing their desires, even if they differ from your own.
3. Regularly Check-In: Make it a habit to regularly check in with each other about your sexual experiences and satisfaction. Schedule dedicated times to have conversations about your evolving desires and needs. This ensures that both partners have an opportunity to express themselves and be heard.
4. Practice Active Listening: When discussing evolving sexual desires and needs, practice active listening. Be fully present and attentive to your partner’s words, emotions, and non-verbal cues. Seek to understand their perspective without interrupting or dismissing their thoughts. Paraphrase their statements and reflect back what you’ve understood to ensure clarity.
5. Share Vulnerability and Fantasies: Encourage each other to share vulnerabilities and fantasies openly. Creating a space where both partners feel safe to express their deepest desires fosters intimacy and trust. Discussing fantasies can also lead to new and exciting experiences that fulfill both partners’ evolving needs.
6. Explore Together: Approach the evolution of sexual desires and needs as an opportunity for exploration and growth as a couple. Discuss new experiences, techniques, or fantasies that you both may be interested in exploring. This shared journey of discovery strengthens your bond and promotes ongoing sexual satisfaction.
7. Seek Professional Support: If navigating these changes becomes challenging, consider seeking support from a sex therapist or relationship counselor. These professionals can provide guidance and tools to help navigate evolving sexual desires and foster open communication within the relationship.
Remember, open communication about evolving sexual desires and needs is a continuous process. It requires ongoing effort and a willingness to adapt and grow together. By nurturing open dialogue, embracing change, and exploring new experiences, you can sustain a fulfilling and intimate sexual connection throughout the course of your long-term relationship.
Unlocking intimacy through open and honest conversations about sex is a powerful tool for deepening your connection with your loved one. By creating a safe and supportive environment, using effective communication techniques, navigating difficult topics with sensitivity, and embracing exploration, you can master the art of talking about sex. Through these conversations, you will build a stronger, more fulfilling relationship, and embark on a journey of shared pleasure and intimacy that will continue to evolve and grow.
— Teens weigh in on evolving definitions — and habits
By JOCELYN GECKER
Situationships. “Sneaky links.” The “talking stage,” the flirtatious getting-to-know-you phase — typically done via text — that can lead to a hookup.
High school students are having less sexual intercourse. That’s what the studies say. But that doesn’t mean they’re having less sex.
The language of young love and lust, and the actions behind it, are evolving. And the shift is not being adequately captured in national studies, experts say.
For years, studies have shown a decline in the rates of American high school students having sex. That trend continued, not surprisingly, in the first years of the pandemic, according to a recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The study found that 30% of teens in 2021 said they had ever had sex, down from 38% in 2019 and a huge drop from three decades ago, when more than half of teens reported having sex.
The Associated Press took the findings to teenagers and experts around the country to ask for their interpretation. Parents: Some of the answers may surprise you.
THE MEANING OF SEX: DEPENDS WHO YOU ASK
For starters, what is the definition of sex?
“Hmm. That’s a good question,” says Rose, 17, a junior at a New England high school.
She thought about it for 20 seconds, then listed a range of possibilities for heterosexual sex, oral sex and relations between same-sex or LGBTQ partners. On her campus, short-term hookups — known as “situationships” — are typically low commitment and high risk from both health and emotional perspectives.
There are also “sneaky links” — when you hook up in secret and don’t tell your friends. “I have a feeling a lot more people are quote unquote having sex — just not necessarily between a man and a woman.”
For teens today, the conversation about sexuality is moving from a binary situation to a spectrum and so are the kinds of sex people are having. And while the vocabulary around sex is shifting, the main question on the CDC survey has been worded the same way since the government agency began its biannual study in 1991: Have you “ever had sexual intercourse?”
“Honestly, that question is a little laughable,” says Kay, 18, who identifies as queer and attends a public high school near Lansing, Michigan. “There’s probably a lot of teenagers who are like, ‘No, I’ve never had sexual intercourse, but I’ve had other kinds of sex.’”
The AP agreed to use teenagers’ first or middle names for this article because of a common concern they expressed about backlash at school, at home and on social media for speaking about their peers’ sex lives and LGBTQ+ relations.
SEXUAL IDENTITY IS EVOLVING
Several experts say the CDC findings could signal a shift in how teen sexuality is evolving, with gender fluidity becoming more common along with a decrease in stigma about identifying as not heterosexual.
They point to another finding in this year’s study that found the proportion of high school kids who identify as heterosexual dropped to about 75%, down from about 89% in 2015, when the CDC began asking about sexual orientation. Meanwhile, the share who identified as lesbian, gay or bisexual rose to 15%, up from 8% in 2015.
“I just wonder, if youth were in the room when the questions were being created, how they would be worded differently,” said Taryn Gal, executive director of the Michigan Organization on Adolescent Sexual Health.
Sex is just one of the topics covered by the CDC study, called the Youth Risk Behavior Survey. One of the main sources of national data about high school students on a range of behaviors, it is conducted every two years and asks about 100 questions on topics including smoking, drinking, drug use, bullying, carrying guns and sex. More than 17,000 students at 152 public and private high schools across the country responded to the 2021 survey.
“It’s a fine line we have to try to walk,” says Kathleen Ethier, director of the CDC’s Division of Adolescent and School Health, which leads the study.
From a methodological standpoint, changing a question would make it harder to compare trends over time. The goal is to take a national snapshot of teenage behavior, with the understanding that questions might not capture all the nuance. “It doesn’t allow us to go as in depth in some areas as we would like,” Ethier says.
The national survey, for example, does not ask about oral sex, which carries the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections. As for “sexual intercourse,” Ethier says, “We try to use a term that we know young people understand, realizing that it may not encompass all the ways young people would define sex.”
IS LESS TEEN SEX GOOD NEWS?
Beyond semantics, there are a multitude of theories on why the reported rates of high school sex have steadily declined — and what it might say about American society.
“I imagine some parents are rejoicing and some are concerned, and I think there is probably good cause for both,” says Sharon Hoover, co-director of the National Center for School Mental Health at the University of Maryland. Health officials like to see trends that result in fewer teen pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases.
“But what we don’t know is what this means for the trajectory of young people,” Hoover says.
This year’s decrease, the sharpest drop ever recorded, clearly had a lot to do with the pandemic, which kept kids isolated, cut off from friends and immersed in social media. Even when life started returning to normal, many kids felt uncomfortable with face-to-face interaction and found their skills in verbal communication had declined, Hoover said.
The survey was conducted in the fall of 2021, just as many K-12 students returned to in-person classrooms after a year of online school.
Several teens interviewed said that when schools reopened, they returned with intense social anxiety compounded by fears of catching COVID. That added a new layer to pre-pandemic concerns about sexual relations like getting pregnant or catching STIs.
“I remember thinking, ‘What if I get sick? What if I get a disease? What if I don’t have the people skills for this?’” said Kay, the 18-year-old from Michigan. “All those ‘what ifs’ definitely affected my personal relationships, and how I interacted with strangers or personal partners.”
Another fear is the prying eyes of parents, says college student Abby Tow, who wonders if helicopter parenting has played a role in what she calls the “baby-fication of our generation.” A senior at the University of Oklahoma, Tow knows students in college whose parents monitor their whereabouts using tracking apps.
“Parents would get push notifications when their students left dorms and returned home to dorms,” says Tow, 22, majoring in social work and gender studies.
Tow also notices a “general sense of disillusionment” in her generation. She cites statistics that fewer teenagers today are getting driver’s licenses. “I think,” she says, “there is a correlation between students being able to drive and students having sex.”
Another cause for declining sex rates could be easy access to online porn, experts say. By the age of 17, three-quarters of teenagers have viewed pornography online, with the average age of first exposure at 12, according to a report earlier this year by Common Sense Media, a nonprofit child advocacy group.
“Porn is becoming sex ed for young people,” says Justine Fonte, a New York-based sex education teacher. She says pornography shapes and skews adolescent ideas about sexual acts, power and intimacy. “You can rewind, fast forward, play as much as you want. It doesn’t require you to think about how the person is feeling.”
IS THERE AN EVOLVING DEFINITION OF CONSENT?
Several experts said they hoped the decline could be partly attributed to a broader understanding of consent and an increase in “comprehensive” sex education being taught in many schools, which has become a target in ongoing culture wars.
Unlike abstinence-only programs, the lessons include discussion on understanding healthy relationships, gender identity, sexual orientation and preventing unplanned pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections. Contrary to what critics think, she said, young people are more likely to delay the onset of sexual activity if they have access to sex education.
Some schools and organizations supplement sex education with peer counseling, where teens are trained to speak to each other about relationships and other topics that young people might feel uncomfortable raising with adults.
Annika, 14, is a peer ambassador trained by Planned Parenthood and a high school freshman in Southern California. She’s offered guidance to friends in toxic relationships and worries about the ubiquity of porn among her peers, especially male friends. It’s clear to her that the pandemic stunted sex lives.
The CDC’s 2023 survey, which is currently underway, will show if the decline was temporary. Annika suspects it will show a spike. In her school, at least, students seem to be making up for lost time.
“People lost those two years so they’re craving it more,” she said. She has often been in a school bathroom where couples in stalls next to her are engaged in sexual activities.
Again, the definition of sex? “Any sexual act,” Annika says. “And sexual intercourse is one type of act.”
To get a truly accurate reading of teen sexuality, the evolution of language needs to be taken into account, says Dr. John Santelli, a Columbia University professor who specializes in adolescent sexuality.
“The word intercourse used to have another meaning,” he points out. “Intercourse used to just mean talking.”
When the idea of going to a sex party was first suggested to me, I think I laughed out loud. I imagined such an event would involve hoards of strangers fumbling around naked in a pile in a dark room — something I could barely imagine, let alone consider participating in. At the time, I had just started seeing a therapist who specialized in sex and relationships. I wanted to explore my own sexuality and get more comfortable with my body, but the idea of doing so with or around strangers seemed terrifying.
More recently, something shifted. I talked with friends who were enthusiastic about the excitement and deep connections that sexual exploration at play parties had brought to their lives. They told me about how safe, consent-focused, and welcoming these events were — not to mention fun. I became intensely curious about the experience and started having much deeper and more open conversations about sex with friends and the people I was dating.
“It’s our nature as humans to want to explore aspects of our sexuality,” says Kate DeCoste, a sex and couples therapist at the Love, Sex, and Gender Center in Boulder, CO. “Sexuality is just as natural as breathing.”
Last year, I finally experienced a couple of these parties firsthand, and I’m glad I went. I came away with more confidence and a better vocabulary for discussing what I’m into and what I’m not and for understanding and holding my own boundaries. I’ve talked about the experiences with friends, partners, and my therapist, and I’ve heard a lot of the same questions from everyone — the same questions I had before going, too.
So I asked DeCoste and her colleague Lessey Wentworth, a sex and relationship therapist, to walk me through an expert’s perspective on sex parties. What should you know about going to a sex party if it’s a totally new experience for you? How can you set and hold your boundaries and initiate conversations about consent and expectations? How can you make sure you’re enhancing your relationships — with yourself and/or your partner — rather than adding stress or causing harm?
And, maybe most importantly, how do you even begin to assess whether a sex party is right for you and if now is the right time?
A sex party can be a great place to explore pleasure, DeCoste says, and it can also be a great way to practice setting and communicating desire and boundaries. “I see sex parties, or conscious play parties, as a place to really explore pleasure, fantasy, edges, and boundaries,” she says. “When looking at going to a sex party or a conscious play party, look at it as a practice in sexuality, and an exploration of sexuality, rather than something that is just going to be done.”
Worried it’s weird? Don’t be. Just because you may not know anyone who has told you they’ve been to an event like this doesn’t mean you don’t know anyone who’s gone.
“If everyone is in consent, nothing is weird,” Wentworth says. “The weirdness comes from when people are not in consent or don’t want to be there. It’s totally normal to want to explore sexuality.” In fact, Wentworth highly encourages it. “Please explore sexuality,” she urges. “If this is what calls to you, take the shame off.”
There are a wide variety of sex-positive and sex-focused events that cater to different kinks, fetishes, and sexual orientations, so “what’s it like?” is a bit of a hard question to answer. At one party I went to, the playrooms were separate from a large dance floor. In order to enter a playroom, you had to explain your approach to communication and consent, to make sure everyone stayed safe and comfortable.
While I definitely had moments of feeling a bit overwhelmed or visually overstimulated by everything happening around me, I always felt like I was in control and free to leave.
At a high-end Killing Kittens party I attended with a date, everyone was dressed up in suits, gowns, and masquerade masks. There were hundreds of attendees and three large playrooms where people could have sex or just observe what was going on, and people also engaged in sexual play on the dance floor.
At both events I attended, there were people playing with just one partner and others playing with multiple partners. Some people show up alone or with platonic friends, and others show up with a date. You can go if you’re in a monogamous relationship or if you’re in an open relationship — there’s no expectation to engage with someone you’ve never met.
The people I met were engaging, interesting, and extremely considerate, always checking in with me and those around them to make sure everyone was on the same page.
In conversations with my date and others, everyone did a lot of checking in. We asked, “Is this OK? Would that be OK? Are you OK?” I really appreciated this — and the experience really underscored the idea that consent is sexy. Getting affirmative confirmation that someone is into what you’re doing is really hot, and it can enhance an experience rather than slow it down.
Before I went, I kept hearing stories about how, at kink-focused events, people tend to exhibit better communication skills around sexual consent than the average heteronormative hookup. I was relieved to experience that for myself. While I definitely had moments of feeling a bit overwhelmed or visually overstimulated by everything happening around me, I always felt like I was in control and free to leave. When things felt a bit much, I took a step back and my date and I went to stand by the bar and chat with other people we’d met earlier in the evening.
While both parties I attended served alcohol, you may find it wise to stay sober, especially if you’re intending to play with other people you haven’t met before. Staying sober can help you feel more in control of your decisions and more at ease. “If you’re trying to create [a sense of] safety, absolutely — I think sobriety would be the best way to go,” Wentworth says.
What to Wear to a Sex Party
Usually, there’s a theme or dress code, and as long as you follow the rules, you can dress however you feel the most confident and sexy in your body.
Like me, I met a lot of people who had never attended a sex party before and were simply curious, having found it hard to wrap their head around what goes on at one. To the first party I went to, I wore a short, tight-fitting dress, and I never took it off — I had a lot of fun just chatting with people and seeing how confident everyone looked in their own skin. Some people wore barely there lingerie or fetish gear, and others, like me, could have gotten on public transportation in their outfits without getting a second look. The Killing Kittens party I attended was a New Year’s ball, so I went a little fancier. I wore a long, flowy, but sheer chiffon dress with a pair of wedge sandals — something conservative enough to wear out to dinner in summer. Other people wore dresses and suits that ranged from “smart” to “black tie.” As it got later in the evening, a lot of those dresses started coming off, revealing lacy bras, bustiers, harnesses, and bodysuits.
Whatever you choose to wear, it’s completely fine if you decide to keep your entire outfit on and choose not to engage physically with anyone at all. You always have the option to stop or leave if something doesn’t feel right. Most organized events will have clearly identified staff members you can talk to if you see or hear someone doing something that makes you or someone else uncomfortable or unsafe. You should always speak up in these instances.
How to Talk About Consent and Boundaries With Your Date or Partner
You might have an idea of what you want your evening to look like or how much or how little you want to play with other people. If you’re going to a party with a date, it’s wise to discuss that vision with them before you set off. Maybe you’re comfortable with your date playing with other people, and maybe you’re not — and feeling one way or the other doesn’t mean you’re bad, wrong, or too sensitive. It’s just how you feel. But maybe you think you’re fine with something, and then it turns out you’re not. That’s OK, and it’s important to communicate that, DeCoste says.
“We can only really feel aspects of our boundaries when we are in the space,” DeCoste says. “So we need to look at boundaries as an ongoing conversation, especially when going with someone else.”
She and Wentworth recommend setting up some clear signals with your date ahead of time. This could be a safe word or set of phrases or a system of exploring how you feel — or a combination of all of the above. For example, my date and I talked about a traffic-light system, which we could use to express whether something was a definite yes (green), a hard no (red), or something we were hesitant about and wanted to discuss (yellow).
Wentworth also recommends establishing a nonverbal signal, like a hand sign, to indicate you need to leave or check in with each other. You can also discuss how you and your date express pleasure or hesitation — such as leaning into or away from something or getting louder or quieter. (In a video about consent and boundaries, sexologist Lindsey Doe role plays a conversation about this with sex educator Midori. This is a great place to start for some ideas about expressing what you like and what turns you off.)
How to Know If You’re Ready For a Sex Party
How do you know if you’re ready to go to a sex party? “Well, are we going out of a place of self-love?” DeCoste says. “It’s as simple and complex as that: is this an act of self-love?”
Start by asking yourself two very basic questions: Does the idea of a sex party excite or intrigue you? Do you want to go?
Now, if you’ve got another person in the mix, consider this: how stable is your relationship, and how will this experience further strengthen that bond?
Maybe you’re really into the idea but your partner isn’t, or vice versa. Wentworth cautions couples against introducing play parties into relationships where security or stability is an ongoing challenge. “If you’re not in a secure place in your relationship, it’s probably not the best idea to go,” she says.
Ethical nonmonogamy is probably not going to save a relationship, she adds, and a sex party probably won’t, either. Instead, it’s much better to approach the idea from a place of security and discuss how you think it will add to your relationship or benefit you individually or as partners.
Making sure you’re secure in yourself is key, too.
“Boundaries are so important, and safety is so important,” Wentworth says. “If you’re somebody who tends to steamroll yourself and be out of consent with yourself, and if you’re easily swayed by other people, then a sex party might be a little bit above where you’re at.”
I like this phrase, “being in consent with yourself.” I often find myself trying to people-please and do what I think other people want from me. It can be hard to remember that it’s ultimately an act of love for the people around you to tell them what you need and what you can’t give when it feels hard to say no to something because you’re afraid of disappointing someone. This is as true at a sex party as it is in everyday life: clear and ongoing communication is your best friend.
When in doubt? “Having a therapist is a good idea,” too, Wentworth says.
Sexual coercion is when a person pressures, tricks, threatens, or manipulates someone into having sex. It is a type of sexual assault because even if someone says “yes,” they are not giving their consent freely.
People who experience sexual coercion may feel they have no option but to have sex. The perpetrator may use guilt or the threat of negative consequences to get what they want. Alternatively, they may promise rewards that may or may not be real.
Sexual coercion is most likely to happen in existing relationships, but anyone can behave this way, particularly if there is an imbalance of power. Although it does not involve physical force, it is still damaging.
Keep reading to understand what sexual coercion is, examples of this behavior, and when to seek help.
Sexual coercion is when someone pressures a person in a nonphysical wayTrusted Source to have sex with them. It can occur in any kind of relationship and applies to any type of sex.
Sex can be coercive even if someone says “yes.” In sexual coercion, a person has sex because they feel they should or must, rather than because they want to.
The nature of sexual coercion can vary significantly, from persistently asking for sex until someone gives in to threats of violence or revenge. As some types of coercion are not obviously intimidating, some people may not realize they are experiencing or engaging in it.
Non-coercive sex involves affirmative consent. This means that all sexual partners explicitly and enthusiastically give their verbal consent to sexual activities without the influence of any external pressures. They also agree that people can withdraw consent at any time, for any reason, with no negative consequences.
Other hallmarks of consensual sex include:
mutual respect
equal power dynamics
autonomy, meaning all partners are free to make their own decisions
no sense of entitlement, meaning that partners do not expect sex from their partner
physical and emotional safety
Involuntary physical responses, such as an erection or vaginal lubrication, are not equivalent to consent. True consent is also not possible if a person feels pressured or intimidated into saying “yes”, or they simply do not say “no”. Sexual contact in these situations can be sexual assault.
A person may try to sexually coerce someone through:
Harassment: Repeatedly asking someone for sex when they have expressed disinterest is coercive behaviorTrusted Source, especially if it intends to wear someone down until they give in.
Guilt: A person may try to make someone feel guilty for saying no to sex. For example, they may emphasize how long it has been since they last had sex, say that the person owes them sex, or that it is their obligation as their partner.
Lies: A person may use misinformation to coax someone to have sex with them. They may use myths about consent to convince someone they have no right to say no, make false promises, or tell them their demands or coercive behaviors are normal.
Threats to the relationship: A person may threaten to leave a relationship if someone does not consent to sex. Alternatively, they may play on their partner’s insecurities, such as by suggesting they are boring or unattractive if they say no, or that they will start being unfaithful.
Blackmail: This is when someone weaponizes secret information about a person to force them into having sex. For example, the perpetrator might threaten to release nude photographs online if someone does not consent to sex.
Fear and intimidation: A person may behave in a scary or intimidating manner when they do not get their way to pressure someone into sex.
Power imbalance: A person may use the power they get from their job, status, or wealth to coerce someone. They may threaten someone with job loss, lower grades, a tarnished reputation, or other negative consequences if they do not agree. Alternatively, they may promise rewards and opportunities.
Using substances: A person may encourage someone to use drugs or alcohol to make them more compliant and therefore easier to coerce into sex. If a person has sex with someone while inebriated or unconscious, this is rape.
There is less research on sexual coercion than other types of nonconsensual sex, but what exists suggests that it is common and more likely to affect some people than others.
For example, a 2018 study of Spanish adolescents found that although males and females reported being victims of coercion, males were more likely to engage in coercive behavior. The researchers found that certain attitudes correlate with a higher risk of coercive behavior, including:
a belief that sexually coercive behaviors are normal
a desire for power and control
hostile sexism, which promotes the idea that men should have dominance over women
Another 2018 study also notes a link between sexual coercion and sexism, particularly in heterosexual relationships, where traditional gender roles can influence power dynamics.
If it is part of a pattern, sexual coercion is abuse. According to the domestic violence support organization REACH, in the context of relationships, the term “abuse” describes any pattern of behavior that a person uses to gain control or power over someone else.
Sometimes, coercive sex happens just once. It may result from a misunderstanding or someone believing in myths about what is normal in sexual relationships. However, if a person does not care that the behavior is harmful or continues to do it regardless, this signals an abusive relationship.
A person may use sexual coercion alongside other types of abuse, such as coercive control. This involves demanding control over many aspects of their partner’s life, such as:
initiates sex for the purposes of abusing, harassing, humiliating, or degrading the person
knows the individual has a health condition that means they cannot give informed consent
knows the person is unaware the sex is taking place
has impaired the individual’s judgment by giving them substances to intoxicate them
is in a position of authority and has sex with someone in custody, such as in prison or the hospital
The age of the people involved is also an important factor. Sexual contact is illegal if it involves:
someone below the age of 21 and their guardian
someone below the age of 16 and a person who is 4 or more years older than them
anyone below the age of 10
Individual state laws may add additional circumstances under which coercive sex becomes illegal. Schools, workplaces, and other institutions may classify itTrusted Source as sexual harassment rather than assault and have their own rules for managing it.
Recovering from sexual coercion can begin with a realization that previous sexual experiences were not healthy or that a current relationship involves elements of coercion. This can be difficult for people to come to terms with. It may bring up intense emotions, such as sadness, anger, or guilt.
However, it is important to remember that, even if someone said “yes” to coercive sex, it is not their fault.
To process what happened, a person may consider:
confiding in an understanding, trustworthy friend
speaking with a free, confidential helpline for advice, such as RAINN
talking with a therapist who specializes in coercive sex or sexual assault recovery
joining an online or in-person support group
learning more about affirmative consent
For people who are currently in a relationship where coercion has taken place, they may wish to consider:
setting a time to talk about sex and consent in a safe space
setting boundaries around what is and is not OK
discussing the consequences of what happens when someone crosses those boundaries
seeking help and mediation from a relationship counselor
A person should only do this if the coercion is not part of a wider pattern of abuse. If it is, they should not attempt to address or change the perpetrator’s behavior.
Domestic abuse can escalateTrusted Source over time and be fatal. The safest thing a person can do in this situation is to stay safe and seek help.
If a person has experienced something they believe to be sexual abuse, there are several options for seeking help. For assaults that have just happened, a person should consider:
dialing 911 or their country’s emergency number to report it to the police
visiting a hospital, rape center, or doctor’s office for medical care
seeking help from trusted friends or family
For less recent assaults, a person may still be able to report it to the police or receive medical care to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. It is best to do this as soon as possible.
If a person is unsure if they have experienced sexual coercion, assault, or abuse, they may wish to speak with a helpline, support worker, or lawyer specializing in this area. It is especially important to do this if:
the partner makes them feel unsafe
the partner controls their daily life
they worry about what would happen if they tried to leave
the partner has threatened or carried out violence toward a person, their children, or pets
Sexual coercion is when someone pressures or threatens someone into having sex with them. The person may persistently ask for sex to wear someone down, use guilt or a sense of obligation to get what they want, or trick someone by making them intoxicated or lying. More extreme tactics include threats of violence and blackmail.
Sexual coercion can be part of a pattern of abuse. For sex to be healthy, all partners must understand consent and clearly communicate and respect boundaries. If any partners repeatedly cross boundaries, they are engaging in abusive behavior.
People who believe they have experienced coercive sex can speak with a confidential support service for advice.
There’s been a lot of awareness-raising done lately around women’s sexual empowerment, but not as much has been done for men. And based on my experience coaching men on their sex lives and teaching courses around pleasure and consent, efforts to sexually liberate men are very much needed.
Men come to me with questions about how to initiate sex and ask for consent, how to be sexually free and expressive without being perceived as threatening, and how to recover from their own sexual trauma. Based on their stories and concerns, it’s clear that our sex education system and wider culture fail men as much as women.
Men are taught from a young age that it’s their job to make sex happen, that they’ll miss out on opportunities if they aren’t aggressive enough, and that how many people they’ve slept with determines their worth. And yet they’re also taught that if they’re openly interested in sex, this makes them dirty, gross, or creepy.
I’ve seen these toxic messages hurt men’s self-esteem and their ability to form relationships. But I’ve also seen men learn how to safely embody their true sexual selves—and, in the process, see the light and good that were in their sexuality from the get-go.
To help men unlearn the damaging narratives they learn around their sexuality and replace them with healthier ideas, here are some things I like to teach men about consent—although they really apply to all of us:
1. Your consent matters, too.
Sex education, when it covers consent at all, often focuses on teaching men how to respect women’s boundaries and teaching women how to state and protect their own boundaries. There’s a major problem with this—and it’s not just the way it victim-blames women.
When men are only taught how to ask for consent from someone else, this misses the fact that their consent matters, too.
If you’re a man who’s been sexually assaulted—or experienced something that you’re not sure was completely consensual—this does not make you less of a man. On the contrary, it means you’ve had an experience that’s common among men. A 2005 study1
by the U.S. Centers for Disease Control found that one in six men had faced sexual abuse by the age of 18. In another survey, around one in 10 men said they’d experienced unwanted sexual contact during college. I’d venture to say that even more did but didn’t recognize it as such.
So, let’s be clear: The same things that are told to women also apply to men. You are never asking for sexual assault. You deserve to be taken seriously. If you say yes and then change your mind, you have the right to ask your partner to stop. Your partner needs to be honest with you about safer sex so that you can make an informed decision. It’s not OK for a partner to guilt you into sex.
And if you are assaulted, help is available. If you need someone to talk to, you can call the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network hotline or chat online with a counselor through the One in Six help line. These people are trained to take men’s (and everyone’s) reports seriously.
2. Consent can be felt in your body.
So often, men (and people of all genders, really) feel like they have to intellectualize consent. What I mean by this is they feel like they have to give a reason why they don’t want to do something. Or to justify why they do want something.
Reasoning your way through consent can sound something like this:
“Of course I want sex; I’m a guy. Guys always want sex.”
“I might not get another opportunity if I don’t say ‘yes’ now.”
“I can’t think of a reason not to, so I guess I should.”
Someone may actually be feeling iffy about an encounter but enter into it anyway because, in their minds, the idea makes logical sense.
To figure out whether you truly consent—rather than just feeling like you should consent—I recommend tuning into your body and emotions. How are you feeling? Are you feeling excited by the prospect of engaging sexually with this person? Are you feeling uncomfortable? Scared? Confused? You might feel many things at once, and it’s a great idea to talk about these feelings with your partner.
If you’re not feeling completely comfortable with the encounter, it’s better to say no or suggest a different activity, then perhaps revisit the possibility again down the line. If there’s a connection with this person, there will probably still be one next week!
And remember, you don’t have to justify your boundaries to your partner or yourself. The feeling of a “no” in your body is enough to say no.
3. Asking for consent can be sexy.
All right, so now for the fun part.
Men often ask me how to ask for consent without ruining the mood or interrupting the flow. And there are plenty of ways to do that.
First, I recommend talking about your sexual desires and preferences before you reach the bedroom. This will make things go much more smoothly once things turn sexual. “How do you like to be kissed?” is a great question to ask a partner before things get physical, or right as they do. This gives them the opportunity to let you know what they enjoy, and you can gauge their interest based on how comfortable they are with the question.
A simple “can I kiss you?” by the way, isn’t at all unsexy. You can also initiate a kiss but rather than touching your lips to theirs, go halfway and see if they meet you.
Any straightforward question will work, really:
“Do you want my hand on your leg?” (“Do you want my ___ in/on your ____” is generally a good formula.)
“I’d like to stroke your hair; would you enjoy that?”
If the other person’s into it, describing what you’d like to do will be arousing for them, not awkward. And if they’re not aroused by it, you have your answer—and that was probably their answer before you asked.
When you start getting sexual with someone, another approach you can use is to make a game of asking for consent: “Do you want me to ___? Oh yeah? Beg for it.” “I’ll only do it if you ask nicely. So if you really want it, tell me ‘yes please.'” (Check out mbg’s full dirty talk guide.)
While you’re hooking up, a simple “You good?” or “Anything I can do to make it better?” will help ensure your partner’s consent is ongoing.
Don’t worry too much about how smooth your lines are. If someone’s into you and wants to sleep with you, they’re unlikely to turn you down just because you care about their consent.
4. Consent is not enough.
Even though I teach about consent, I believe we should have a higher standard for our sexual encounters.
Oxford Languages’ definition of consent is “permission for something to happen or agreement to do something.” Kind of weak, no? It doesn’t exactly sound like the state of someone who’s burning with passion and longing.
How about desire: “a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen”? That, to me, is what we should expect from our sexual encounters.
In other words, make sure you’re doing what you desire, not what you’re just OK with. And make sure your partner is clearly desiring the same.
In healthy sexual encounters, both people actively want to engage in whatever’s taking place. When one person is desiring it and the other’s simply agreeing to it, there’s an imbalance.
Everyone deserves sexual partners who are concerned not just with getting what they want themselves but listening to their partner’s desires, wishes, likes, and dislikes.
That goes for any partner you’ll ever have, and it goes for you.
Sexual freedom and exploration can be one of the most exciting parts of the transition to college life: Living on campus can put you in a hyper-horny environment in which the things you’ve only wondered or fantasized about are now possibilities to explore. As exhilarating as that may sound, though, it can also be a bit overwhelming—especially if you’re new to living on your own or starting to be sexually active for the first time.
Not to kill the mood, but much like coming up with a studying schedule can help you achieve academic success, making a plan for your sexual health is one of the best ways to set yourself up for a satisfying college sex life. After all, when you prioritize your sexual well-being, you have more control over what unfolds, which can make for more positive experiences (in the short and long term).
And even if you’re not sexually active, sexual health is a part of your overall health, so it’s important to take care of it regardless—whether you’re not having sex or can’t wait to have as much sex as possible. Here, we asked sexual health experts for their best advice for the newly-minted undergrad.
1. Prioritize pleasure as you explore your sexuality.
Sexual education is seriously lacking in most states (only 20 require that high school curriculums include information on contraception use, for example, per the Guttmacher Institute). And even if you consider yourself well-educated regarding stuff like preventing pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, that alone won’t necessarily make for a satisfying sex life. “Even if you did get sex ed, it was probably about how sex will kill you, not that sex should feel good,” Jennifer Lincoln, MD, a board-certified ob-gyn practicing in Portland, Oregon, tells SELF.
When it comes to sexual pleasure, talking to your partner about what feels good to you (and them) is essential, says Dr. Lincoln. And getting curious about your own body through masturbation can also help you discover what gets you off, Lee Phillips, PhD, a licensed sex therapist who practices in New York City, tells SELF. Solo sex sessions are a great way to figure out what types of stimulation you prefer, he says, whether you plan to get another person involved in your pleasure or not.
2. Find out what types of sexual-health support are available on-campus.
Access to a campus health center or clinic is usually included in your annual fees, for example, but some schools may bill through your parents’ health insurance. The clinic may be taking new patients, or it might be difficult to get an appointment. Your college might offer free on-campus testing for sexually transmitted infections (STIs), annual ob-gyn visits, emergency contraceptives, and abortion care, or they might not have any of these services. You can ask a rep at student services or your campus health center to find out what’s available to you.
Regardless of whether you get care through your college, a local Planned Parenthood clinic, or another provider who isn’t associated with your campus, you’ll also probably want to know how your provider handles information you might like kept confidential, like prescriptions for birth control, says Dr. Lincoln. For example, even though you have a legal right to medical privacy, your parents might get statements that show you visited an ob-gyn if you go through their insurance for the visit. Dr. Lincoln says you can ask your provider what types of information the insured party might get in the mail and notes that a Planned Parenthood or campus-based clinic is more likely to be discreet.
If you live in a dorm, your resident assistant may also have some answers to your questions about your school’s sexual-health services, including those that are specific to the LGBTQ+ community. For example, at least 149 colleges and universities offer insurance plans that cover hormones and gender-affirming surgeries for transitioning students, according to data collected by the nonprofit Campus Pride.
And even if you aren’t sexually active at the moment, it’s a good idea to get familiar with the health care services you have available so that you feel comfortable using them if and when you need them. If you have a vagina, it’s particularly important to have a provider to speak to when you suspect that you have an infection, such as bacterial vaginosis, a yeast infection, or a UTI, as you’ll want to get speedy treatment.
3. If you want to avoid pregnancy, decide on a contraception plan.
Using a condom during sex can significantly reduce your odds of getting an STI or becoming pregnant—with perfect use, they’re effective at pregnancy prevention 98% of the time. But user error is common: In a 2017 analysis of contraceptive failure published in Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, condoms had, on average, a 13% failure rate over the span of one year. In other words, if you’re having the kind of sex that can lead to pregnancy, ideally, you’ll have a backup method of birth control.
Choosing a birth control method can be daunting, though, since there are so many options available, says Dr. Lincoln. Your best bet is to do a little research beforehand so that you have an idea of what method would work best for you. “It’s important to go to legitimate sources, and not TikTok, which can scare you off just about every birth control option,” Dr. Lincoln says. She points out that experiences with birth control that you might see on social media are pretty much like online business reviews: People only share “if it’s really awesome or really horrible.”
Dr. Lincoln recommends FindMyMethod and Bedsider.org as sites to consult as you start your research. Once you’ve compiled a list of pros, cons, and potential side effects for a few birth control options, you’ll be more empowered for a conversation with your provider.
4. Understand when to get tested for STIs.
STIs can be an unfortunate part of being sexually active. That’s true even if you aren’t engaging in penetrative sex of any kind. If body fluids like saliva, semen, or vaginal secretions are getting swapped, your risk of infection will never be zero, Kristen Mark, PhD, a professor of family medicine and community health at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, tells SELF.
The National Institute of Health (NIH) points out that many STIs don’t have any obvious symptoms, so there’s often no way to tell if you’ve got one. Whether you’re between partners, engaging with a new partner, or have never been tested before, if you’re sexually active, STI testing should be part of your health care routine, says Dr. Mark.
You can visit your campus clinic or go to your general practitioner or ob-gyn to get tested for STIs. If a test is positive, your health care provider will talk you through your treatment options. You may need to take a course of antibiotics to clear things up, in the case of bacterial infections like chlamydia and gonorrhea, or begin antiviral medication to reduce your symptoms from viral infections like HIV or genital herpes. You’ll also be advised to contact any recent sexual partners to let them know they should get tested as well—it might not be the sexiest conversation, but it’s the right thing to do.
5. Know how to give and receive consent.
It sucks that we even have to talk about this, but sexual assault regularly happens on college campuses. One in five women in college experience some form of sexual assault, according to the United States Office on Women’s Health, and it’s more likely to occur within the first two semesters of campus living. LGBTQ+ students are also at a higher risk than their straight peers. You don’t have to live in fear, but having an emergency plan for unwanted sexual activity is an important part of sexual self-care, says Dr. Lincoln.
Start with a baseline definition of what consent really means. Planned Parenthood uses the acronym “FRIES” as an easy device for defining it: Freely given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. That means that if you’re feeling cornered by someone who intimidates you, that’s not consent. Agree to one type of sexual activity but then your partner tries to do something else you’re not into? That’s also not consensual.
Scarleteen has a great guide for navigating consent that clears up any confusion and gives practical tips for giving and receiving consent in a realistic, less awkward way. For example, you can phrase your enthusiasm in sexy terms—as in, “Don’t stop!” or “This feels so right”—or assure consent by framing your desires as questions (“I really want to do X sexual thing—do you want to do that too?”).
Of course, the sad and infuriating reality is that knowing what consent means isn’t always enough to help you avoid nonconsensual situations. That’s why Dr. Mark highly recommends keeping contact information in your phone for a few people you can call if you experience sexual assault or otherwise find yourself in a sexually unsafe situation—think supportive friends you can trust, your resident assistant, or your campus security officers. You can also get 24/7 confidential crisis support from a trained staff member at RAINN by calling 800-656-HOPE or using the organization’s online hotline.
6. Have a plan for when things don’t go according to plan.
Dr. Lincoln recommends having emergency contraception (EC), like Plan B (available over the counter) or Ella (which requires a prescription), on hand as well. “That way, if something happens on a Saturday night, you’re not waiting until Monday afternoon because that’s when your campus medical office opens,” Dr. Lincoln says.
It’s also important to know the abortion laws in your state and figure out where the nearest abortion clinic is. You can ask a provider or rep at your student health center which EC and abortion care options are available to you (and how and where to access them). You should also consider stocking up on cheap pregnancy tests so you can act quickly on a positive result if you need to.
7. Consider your mental health as a part of your sexual health.
Sexual relationships—or a lack thereof—can have a major impact on your mental health in college. Whether you’re dealing with a partner who’s throwing up red flags, sexual violence, behavior you regret, or just the general angst and uncertainty that can come with pursuing romantic relationships as a young adult, having a neutral third party to talk to can be incredibly helpful.
If you’re struggling with any aspect of your sexual health (including gender identity, body image, peer pressure to have sex, domestic abuse, or a sexual assault), talking to a mental health professional can help you navigate your struggles so you can feel better—mentally and physically. Your college most likely has mental health services or a counseling center available, even if you don’t live on campus. If the counseling center is booked, you can ask a rep if there are other services available in your immediate area or how to access a telehealth provider.
8. Finally, make some friends you don’t want to sleep with.
You may be revved up and ready to have all your sexual fantasies fulfilled during your college years, but the most important relationships you form on campus may end up being platonic. Both Dr. Lincoln and Dr. Mark say that building a community of friends is a form of sexual self-care.
Dr. Phillips recommends joining several on-campus groups or organizations if you’re having trouble finding your people. And Dr. Mark suggests talking about your specific sexual boundaries, expectations, and anxieties with your pals when no one is under the influence of any substance. That way, you’ll have someone who can check in with you if you’re, say, tipsy at a party and hanging out with an ex you insisted you didn’t want to hook up with.
Finally, have patience with yourself if there’s a bit of a learning curve while you figure all this sexual-health stuff out. As Dr. Mark points out, all major life transitions are hard, and becoming independent—sexually and otherwise—as a college student is a big one.
When Lisa Noll, 67, got divorced two years ago after 35 years of marriage, she thought relationships, romance and sex were a thing of the past. Now, she’s in a relationship with a man 10 years younger and has what she calls “a rich sex life.”
“I didn’t think people had sex any more. I thought people got old and just stopped. It’s like a big secret,” said Noll, who splits her time between Colorado Springs, Colo., and Merida, Mexico. “I’m floored that I am having sex and a relationship and that it’s as good as it is. I’m a lot more confident now and know what I want.”
When Lisa Noll, 67, got divorced two years ago after 35 years of marriage, she thought relationships, romance and sex were a thing of the past. Now, she’s in a relationship with a man 10 years younger and has what she calls “a rich sex life.”
“I didn’t think people had sex any more. I thought people got old and just stopped. It’s like a big secret,” said Noll, who splits her time between Colorado Springs, Colo., and Merida, Mexico. “I’m floored that I am having sex and a relationship and that it’s as good as it is.
About 40% of people between ages 65 and 80 are sexually active, according to a survey from the National Poll on Healthy Aging, sponsored by AARP and the University of Michigan.
A Pew Research Center study found that the number of older Americans between ages 55 and 64 who had used an online dating website or app doubled between 2013 and 2015. Some dating sites, such as those run by AARP and OurTime, cater specifically to singles 50 years and older. Given that 45% of Americans older than 65 are divorced, separated or widowed, according to AARP, there’s a lot of potential customers.
“The baby boomers had to break down sexual barriers in the 60s and 70s and they’re silently doing it now. There’s a notion that if you turn 55, 60, 70, sex goes away. But it doesn’t. People are living longer and they’re having sex longer,” said John Portmann, author of the book “The Ethics of Sex and Alzheimer’s” and a professor of religious studies at the University of Virginia. “There are celebrities like Jane Fonda who say they’ve never stopped having sex. I think she sees herself as trying to liberate women and say that sex doesn’t stop.”
Daniel Reingold, President and CEO of RiverSpring Living, the parent organization of the Hebrew Home at Riverdale, realized in the mid-‘90s that his organization needed a sexual expression policy when a nurse came up to him, rattled that a couple was having sex in a room and asked him what to do.
Reingold’s organization then did a national survey of nursing homes on the topic of sex, created a policy and a staff training video that could be used by other nursing homes and assisted living centers. Since then, the policies have evolved and now include more discussion on LGBTQ+ issues.
“What’s so shocking to me is that 25 years later, so many organizations and people are putting their heads in the sand on this topic of sex,” Reingold said. “The big issue in the room is ageism. People think that desire and libido go away at a certain age and to me that’s so ageist. Most of us think our parents are virgins and the idea of them having sex is disgusting to us. That’s just so wrong.”
Touch tends to be among the last senses to decline, Reingold said, so the power of touch is incredibly rewarding for residents in assisted living, nursing homes or other facilities.
“Whether it’s holding hands or snuggling or sex, the person is not looking at the other person as old and wrinkled. They’re looking at it as young love. The pleasure of touch can be the thing that makes a resident want to get up in the morning to see their girlfriend at breakfast, to continue to thrive,” Reingold said.
Safer sex later in life
Of course, there’s not just the rewards of intimacy, there’s also risks associated with sex in retirement years.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, between 2011 and 2015, chlamydia infections in Americans aged 65 and over increased by nearly 50%, and gonorrhea by 102%. Medicare offers free STD screenings for seniors, yet only 5% of those who are eligible for the service have chosen to use the service.
Meanwhile, users of erectile dysfunction (ED) drugs have two-to-three times higher rates of STDs than do nonusers, Harvard researchers at Massachusetts General Hospital have found after analyzing insurance records of more than 1.4 million U.S. men over age 40.
According to a National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, condoms are used in about 40% of sexual encounters among college-age Americans. But among those 61 and older, condoms are only used in about 6% of sexual encounters.
“If you have to be institutionalized and your adult child strongly informs the home that they don’t want you having sex, it’s oddly analogous to parents and teenagers. But the roles are reversed. Middle-aged people don’t like the idea of their parents having a sexual life or getting an STD. It’s a very confusing area for people.” Portmann said.
Questions of consent
There are more risks than STDs. At what point does age and mental and physical health collide to the point that sex is no longer safe due to an inability to provide consent due to a dementia or Alzheimer’s diagnosis?
In 2015, a longtime Iowa legislator and retired farmer was acquitted after being charged with sexual assault for having sex with his wife, who had Alzheimer’s disease and was in a nursing home.
That case and others, however, have raised the notion of the ability of a person to consent to sex and the responsibility held by the nursing home to protect patients and report any assaults as mandatory reporters.
“Sexual abuse and unwanted sexual activity is a real issue with dementia patients. Enough of it is going on that it is a pretty prevalent problem,” said Minneapolis-based attorney Mark Kosieradzki, who has tried several cases of sexual abuse in nursing homes.
State laws vary about the ability to consent.
Reingold said memory issues are increasingly a concern in assisted-living programs as people try to age at home as long as possible and tend to go to a residential program needing a much more advanced level of care.
“If there’s any doubt in our minds about the ability to consent, we look at the rights to intimacy against the right to prevent unwanted touching and we will err on the side of protecting against unwanted touching every time. We have to,” Reingold said.
The best way to protect against unwanted touch is to talk about the idea of sex and aging and air out the topic as much as possible, Kosieradzki said.
“I do believe there is a bias. Claims of sexual assault by the elderly are not taken seriously because there isn’t an understanding of older sexual drives or there’s a bias about why would someone have sex with an 88-year-old,” Kosieradzki said.
“There’s not an easy solution. It’s not one of those things that you can’t talk about. It should be thought about and discussed frequently as people get older and have different caregivers or live in different residential communities,” Kosieradzki said.
The world of consensual non-consent (or ‘CNC’ for short) is one that has often been interpreted as a sphere of dangerous, immoral sexual practice. But is there more behind the kink than meets the eye?
As the name might suggest, CNC is a kink that falls under the umbrella of BDSM, in which two or more consenting parties agree to engage in sexual activities that mimic rape. While it may sound shocking to those who aren’t familiar with it, the r/CNC_Connect subreddit, designed for people with an interest in CNC to meet up IRL, has over 50,000 active users.
Some examples of common CNC activities (or ‘scenes’) include:
A pre-planned ‘kidnapping’ of the submissive by the dominant.
The use of restraints or bondage equipment.
Impact, pain, or choking during sex.
In an interview with Vice, an anonymous CNC enjoyer described the appeal of the experience in more detail:
“The point of CNC is a way to have those real feelings in a way that is conscious, intentional, and risk aware. It’s sexual extreme sports”
Likewise, another confided:
“I want to be manhandled, and pinned down, but not choked within an inch of my life. I want to be forced and held in position, but not punched until I bleed. I want to be violated… consensually”
But is there a real danger to be found in encouraging these behaviours? According to psychologists, it’s minimal. As all of these activities are carried out in safe, consensual, and controlled environments, the reality is much further from real instances of assault or rape than it might appear on the surface.
Dr. Leon Seltzer states:
“In such idealized “pretend scenarios,” a woman can experience her rawest, most unconstrained sexuality as fully, wondrously, even miraculously expressed — in no way impeded by any viscerally felt sense of peril. Diametrically opposed to actual rape, the fantasy really isn’t about losing control as such. It’s about willingly surrendering it.”
That being said, research on the topic is far from conclusive. There have been some studies that suggest the consumption of BDSM material can be harmful to long-term mental and sexual wellbeing.
But that still leaves the question: in a world where women are constantly subject to unwanted sexual advances, what is it about CNC that has such a broad appeal? There are a number of potential reasons.
Some speculate that it is a result of the guilt many women are made to feel by a society that only normalizes male sexual attraction. In a similar vein, it could be the opportunity for women, who are expected to appear presentable and pleasing at all times (even during intercourse), to finally let go.
CNC has proven to be beneficial to those who have suffered trauma as a result of sexual assault or rape. The re-enactment of such moments with a newfound sense of control allows victims to reemerge from the scenario in a different state of mind.
Whether CNC is your cup of tea or not, it seems that it’s much less uncommon than you think.
For straight men and women, the sexual script has generally gone like this: Boy likes girl; boy asks girl out; boy makes the first move. That’s always been less-than-ideal (not to mention, limiting). In the #MeToo conversation, though, it feels more out of touch than ever. But, as is the case with most social movements, rhetoric comes faster than actual change. Many men feel as if they’re still expected to be the sexual aggressors, whether that means asking someone out, leaning in for a kiss, or escalating a makeout session into sex.
As one man wrote in a Reddit post shortly after the Aziz Ansari allegations came to light: “I don’t know where the line is between complimenting and harassing, or a proposition and misconduct. I absolutely don’t want to push myself on anybody or be where I’m not wanted, but there’s also a substantial amount of reliance on men to initiate everything from saying ‘hi’ to asking for a date.”
Honestly, it’s a lesson everyone — regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation — should be learning, and one that’s probably more straightforward than it seems. Yet, in the Sahara desert that is sex education in the U.S., people aren’t learning what consent really is. (Hint: It should be more enthusiastic than “no means no.”)
So, we found experts to break down how all people can make the first move and still be mindful of consent. Lesson number one: The best way to know if someone wants to have sex with you is to ask. Read on for the rest of their tips.
#MeToo has raised the voices of women who’ve been sexually assaulted or harassed — and that’s not just great, it’s revolutionary. So, where does that leave men? To help answer that question, Refinery29 is providing actionable advice for men who want to be allies.
Rachel, 25, has the open face and friendly demeanor of a born-and-bred Midwesterner. She’s lively and opinionated, and feels in control of most areas of her life. But when it comes to sex, something isn’t right.
“I don’t know,” she sighed over coffee as we spoke in downtown D.C. “I’ve never been in a situation where I felt pushed into something, exactly, but…”
Rachel (a pseudonym) reeled off a list of unhappy encounters with would-be romantic partners: sex consented to out of a misguided sense of politeness, extreme acts requested and occasionally allowed, degrading insults as things unfolded — and regrets later. “It’s not like I was being forced into anything or that I feel unsafe, but it’s not … good. And I don’t like how I feel afterwards.”
Young Americans are engaging in sexual encounters they don’t really want for reasons they don’t fully agree with. It’s a depressing state of affairs — turbocharged by pornography, which has mainstreamed ever more extreme sexual acts, and the proliferation of dating apps, which can make it seem as though new options are around every corner.
The results are widely felt. Many of my contemporaries are discouraged by the romantic landscape, its lack of trust, emotion and commitment, but they also believe that safer options and smoother avenues aren’t possible. Instead, they assume that this is how things go and that it would be unreasonable to ask for more — and rude not to go along with whatever has been requested.
In our post-sexual-revolution culture, there seems to be wide agreement among young adults that sex is good and the more of it we have, the better. That assumption includes the idea that we don’t need to be tied to a relationship or marriage; that our proclivities are personal and that they are not to be judged by others — not even by participants. In this landscape, there is only one rule: Get consent from your partner beforehand.
But the outcome is a world in which young people are both liberated and miserable. While college scandals and the #MeToo moment may have cemented a baseline rule for how to get into bed with someone without crossing legal lines, that hasn’t made the experience of dating and finding a partner simple or satisfying. Instead, the experience is often sad, unsettling, even traumatic.
As Rachel told me: “Every single person I know — every woman I know — has had some questionable encounter, whether it was, like, really violent or really forceful or just kind of like, ‘Oh, I hated that. That was not fun.’”
These are typically encounters that adults have entered into willingly, in part because consent alone is the standard for good and ethical sex. But the experiences that many young people described to me sound neither ethical nor particularly good.
When the covid-19 pandemic briefly pressed pause on our overheated social lives, many young adults suddenly had time to reflect on their experiences and desires: what we really want from dating, sex and relationships, and what we want and expect from each other. Today, as we make our way back into the world, we need a new ethic — because consent is not enough.
Even when it goes well, sex is complicated. It involves our bodies, minds and emotions, our connections to each other and our deepest selves. Despite the (many, and popular) arguments that it’s only a physical act, it is clear to almost anyone who has had it that sex has vast consequences, some of which can last long after an encounter ends. Over the past several decades, our society has come to believe that consent — as a legal standard and a moral requirement — could somehow make our most unruly activity more manageable. But it was never going to be that easy.
To be fair, it’s taken a great deal of effort even to get to the place where consent is considered a baseline requirement for ethical sex.<
The earliest rape laws reflected the historically common view that women were the property of a father or husband whose honor might be harmed. Even as laws were slowly rewritten to recognize rape as a crime against the woman herself, the burden remained on the woman to prove her truthfulness, chastity and resistance to attack — making cases extraordinarily difficult to prosecute in the minority of cases when women came forward.
In the 1970s, second-wave feminists organized speak-outs, hosted forums and established rape crisis centers, drawing attention to the pervasiveness of sexual assault and violence against women. Still, change came slowly. Laws that protected husbands from being prosecuted for sexual violence against their wives remained on the books in 2019. Donald Trump won the presidential election in 2016 even after audio emerged of him bragging about grabbing women by their genitals.
“No means no” was a radical slogan when it was first popularized in the 1990s. And the idea of affirmative consent — getting verbal permission clearly and often during a sexual encounter — was considered even more radical when it was implemented in 1991 at Antioch College, a tiny liberal arts school in Ohio. In 1993, “Saturday Night Live” mocked it with a game-show skit featuring sex-hating “victimization studies” majors; comedian Dave Chappelle was still roasting the idea of a “love contract” in 2004.
And yet, by the 2010s, the preferred consensus had moved away from “no means no” and coalesced around “yes means yes.” California enacted a law of the same name in 2014. This phrase, and the accompanying idea of “affirmative consent,” made clear that the absence of a “no” didn’t constitute agreement to anything; an active “yes” was needed, too. “Yes” as the standard would ideally make the act of giving consent an informed, empowering exchange. Or at least, that was the idea.
More recently, sex educators have moved toward the “enthusiastic” formulation of consent. This approach, which has become received wisdom on college campuses, tries to distinguish between wanted and unwanted sex, and encompasses both agency and desire. Again, the goal is to remove ambiguity, but it sets the bar higher. “If it’s not a f— yes,” as social media influencer Serena Kerrigan proclaims to her 150,000 Instagram followers, mostly young women in their 20s, “it’s a f— no.”
But even this more modern definition does not seem to have substantially reduced the unhappiness among many sexually active men and women. The same complaints and confusions abound. What if one party hopes for a future together and the other does not? What counts as a relationship, and what is “casual,” if the definition isn’t mutually shared? If men and women have different fertility timelines, does that affect the power dynamic? Where does money play in, or status?
Even the qualified versions of consent — the “affirmative,” the “enthusiastic” — have the lowest possible standard as their working assumption: “Did I get permission, so that my actions are not statedly against this person’s will?” The new adjectives are often understood as simply shifting the goal posts — rather than stopping when your partner says “no,” you justhave to get them to say “yes” in the right way.
The problem with all this is that consent is a legal criterion, not an ethical one. It doesn’t tell us how we should treat each other as an interaction continues. It doesn’t provide a good road map should something go off the rails. And it suggests that individual actions — “ask for consent,” “speak your mind,” “be more forceful in saying yes or no” — are enough to preempt the misunderstandings and hurt that can come with physical intimacy.
Too often, they’re just not. And setting consent as the highest bar for any encounter effectively takes a pass on the harder questions: whether that consent was fairly obtained; whether it can ever fully convey what our partners really, ultimately want; whether we should be doing what we’ve gotten consent to do
More clarifications of consent — or ever-more-technical breakdowns of its different forms — won’t rebalance power differentials, explain intimacy or teach us how to care. Making the standard of consent our sole criterion for good sex punts on the question of how to conduct a relationship that affirms our fundamental personhood and human dignity.
>And an overreliance on consent as the sole solution might actually worsen the malaise that so many people feel: If you’re playing by the rules and everything still feels awful, what are you supposed to conclude?
The forced isolation of the pandemic, and the attempts that many people made to work around it, put an unexpected lens on modern-day intimacy. The vast array of dating apps has skewed our sense of what is acceptable and what is not by dangling the prospect of another, better match merely a swipe away
Meanwhile, millennials and Gen Z are the first generations to have entered puberty with easy access to pornography via the Internet — often easier access than they had to genuine sex education. By 2019, Pornhub — which had launched only a dozen years earlier — averaged 115 million visits per day, nearly the equivalent of the combined populations of Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and Poland. The most readily accessible kind of pornography — aggressive and hardcore, shot from the male perspective, with women existing to give men pleasure and not much else — has mainstreamed acts (choking, anal sex and outright violence) that used to be rarer. The ubiquity of pornography also means that growing numbers of women are interacting with porn-addled men who either disregard their desires or who don’t understand how to interact with a fellow human being as opposed to an avatar on a screen.
Consider what Kaitlin, 30, told me at a party.
“I’ve been going on dates with this guy who I really like.” It’s the winter of 2019 — the pre-pandemic era, when single urbanites still crushed up against each other in crowded apartments, trading complaints and advice over mediocre beers. “But he chokes me during sex
Kaitlin (also a pseudonym) wasn’t sure whether to say anything, or even if it could be considered a valid problem. After all, moments like this had happened to lots of her friends. And in the moment, she had said yes.
She then asked me — a complete stranger — to tell her how she was supposed to feel.
“I mean, what do you think? Is that okay?”
My immediate thought was that of course it wasn’t. She had felt pushed to do something that she didn’t want to do, and she should be honest with her partner and herself. Her discomfort was valid. That she felt the need to ask a stranger for confirmation felt disturbing — and sad
Yet I understood her hesitancy. Early in the #MeToo movement, many commenters argued that women should simply get better at saying no, at withholding their consent and exiting uncomfortable situations. There’s some truth to that. But it also felt like yet another burden placed on women: to be gatekeepers, whose comfort and safety were predicated on having the right level of self-confidence and self-possession even in their most vulnerable moments. What about those of us who are not always perfectly self-assured
And making the issue “being firm about consent” sidesteps a critical question about what our standards should be. There are some sexual practices — Kaitlin’s surprise choking encounter among them — that eroticize dehumanization and degradation, ones for which the issue should not be whether they are consented to but whether they’re ethically valid at all.
Instead, “between two consenting adults” has become a stock phrase, a conversational yield sign indicating that whatever is detailed next might raise eyebrows but remains beyond critique. This obscures the fact that not all sex is the same. Some things are worse than others. Yet the bias toward acceptance makes it difficult to say so, even when something feels obviously wrong.
And when we do object to a particular act or practice, there isn’t language to do so. Since we have made it effectively impossible for anything apart from nonconsent to be wrong, we end up framing issues in that prevailing standard — the consent given wasn’t the right kind, we say: It wasn’t verbally affirmative or visibly enthusiastic. There’s no clear way to talk about the underlying problems of sexual acts agreed to in order to “be polite,” to please a pushy partner or to avoid something worse.
This is the problem with consent: It leaves so much out. Nonconsensual sex is always wrong, full stop. But that doesn’t mean consensual sex is always right. Even sex that is agreed to can be harmful to an individual, their partner or to society at large.
As a society, we tend to shy away from declaring certain behaviors intrinsically wrong, or right, or uncomfortably in between. The focus on consent has — perhaps inadvertently — allowed us to dodge difficult questions about morality, autonomy and what our sexual culture ought to look like.
But that low-bar formulation doesn’t begin to cover the complications that arise in modern-day dating and mating. And the gap between what young people want the sexual landscape to look like and what the consent paradigm offers is turning many off of sex entirely, as evidenced by falling rates of sexual activity, partnership and marriage — some have dubbed this the “sex recession” — that recently hit a 30-year low. One woman told me that at the age of 34 she had “just stopped thinking a relationship is even possible.” Rather than expanding our happiness, liberation seems to have shrunk it.
What would a better ethic look like?
I met a lot of Rachels and Kaitlins, failed by our current sexual protocols. And I heard from men, too, that the current culture was less to their liking than one might guess.
In their experience, the pressure to say “yes” feels more like a pressure not to say “no” — to live up to the “callous womanizer” stereotype that the low bar of consent culture still seemed to allow. This pressure, they said, made it harder to pursue the real connection many of them desired. And at the same time, a lack of clear norms apart from consent contributed to an underlying level of anxiety and uncertainty — you know enough not to be Harvey Weinstein, but what if you end up canceled like West Elm Caleb? — making even low-stakes interactions feel more and more out of reach. As one therapist told me: “Men in their twenties are terrified, and they talk about it a lot.”
I asked many of these people what a better sexual world might look like. “Listening,” I heard. “Care,” they said. “Mutual responsibility,” some suggested. Or, as one woman plaintively put it: “Can we not just love each other for a single day?”
That question points to what looks to me like a good answer. The word “love” tends to conjure ideas of flowers, chocolate, declarations of undying devotion. But the term has a longer, more helpful history. Thomas Aquinas, the 13th-century philosopher and theologian, defined love as “willing the good of the other.” He borrowed that definition from Aristotle, who talked about love as an intention to bear goodwill toward another for the sake of that person and not oneself.
Willing the good means caring enough about another person to consider how your actions (and their consequences) might affect them — and then choosing not to act if the outcome would be negative. It’s mutual concern — thinking about someone other than yourself and then working so their experience is as good as you hope yours to be. It’s taking responsibility for navigating interactions that might seem ambiguous, rather than using that ambiguity to excuse self-serving “misunderstandings.”
In practice, this would mean that we have to think about the differentials in power that come with age, gender, experience, intoxication level and expectations of commitment, especially when clothes come off. This new ethic would also acknowledge that sex is likely to be something different and more substantial than we want or expect it to be. This makes it our responsibility to make a good-faith bet on what the good actually is — and what just might be a bad idea.
There are many situations in which a partner might consent to sex — affirmatively, even enthusiastically — but in which sex would still be ethically wrong. In general, “willing the good of the other” is most often realized in restraint — in inaction rather than action. This involves a certain level of maturity and self-knowledge on all our parts: an understanding that if we aren’t able to manage this level of consideration — in the moment or more broadly — we probably shouldn’t be having sex. And, yes, it might lead to less casual sex, not more.
It’s a much higher standard than consent. But consent was always the floor — it never should have been the ceiling.
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