By Steven Jay
I have a confession to make. I masturbate. No big surprise, huh? Almost everyone does it, so why am I so afraid to say it? Well, the thing is, I don’t just like to masturbate, I actually REALLY fucking enjoy it. I like taking my time, I like exploring my whole body, and I like using toys, scents, candle wax, pegs, scratchers, and things I’m not even sure have names. Sometimes I’ll masturbate for less than five minutes to blow off steam, other times I’ll spend hours in an ever changing terrain of bliss and ecstasy.
Please don’t underestimate how difficult it is for me to talk about this. Even now as I write, my hands are shaking at the thought of putting this article out there into the blog-o-sphere for all to see (including close mates, friends and family). But it’s something I’m writing despite of the fear and how vulnerable it makes me feel. Why? Because straight men need to start talking about their bodies and their sexual experience, and while it seems like no one else is starting that conversation, I may as well put my money where my sex toys are and be the one to open that top drawer in my bedroom for all to see.
Almost all the sex advice for men out there is about how to please women. Granted, they’re strange creatures and we definitely require some education on them and their bodies, but why the hell don’t we seem to be interested in our own bodies and our own sexuality? Why are we told that men’s sexuality is so two-dimensional? This article is about men, and the kind of sexual relationships we have with ourselves. The habitual patterns men find themselves in when we ‘jack off’ has a profound affect on not only our sex but also our self-esteem. Most men don’t get enough movement or fluidity in the body to allow for more than a single orgasm (you probably weren’t even aware you could have more than one), usually only felt in the genitals. But when you really open the body up and allow movement and fluidity, and approach your body and your sexuality with an attitude of curiosity, you can begin to experience more orgasmic power throughout your whole body. But more than that, you’ll begin to know and appreciate yourself more.
Part 1: What is Mindful Masturbation and… why learn how to masturbate, anyway?
Fair question. Okay, so to answer the first part of the question, I define Mindful Masturbation in this context as ‘consciously utilizing the senses for the purpose of cultivating self-pleasure, acceptance and self-knowledge.’ As for why we might want to learn how to masturbate, chances are it’s not something you’ve thought about, but there are some pretty damn good reasons why you may want to learn.
You’ll be much better at sex (so there’s that!)
When you really get to know your body and your sexual response, you become more in tune with the varying stages of excitement. Dr. Ava Cadell, PhD says that through masturbation, men can train their bodies to experience greater control over their orgasms.
The most common sexual issue among men is believing they don’t last long enough during sex. Your sexual response behaves much like muscle memory in the body, so when you masturbate if you have a habit of going straight for your cock without taking a bit of time to stimulate the rest of your body, then your body learns to become aroused very quickly.
As well as going straight for the cock when you masturbate, if you focus all of your attention there, you won’t learn how to ‘wake up’ the sexual response in the rest of your body. I’ve had orgasms in my belly, my chest, even my throat, and throughout my whole body. A genital orgasm can be great, but sometimes they can pale in comparison to an orgasm that shoots up through your spine like a bolt of lightning all the way to your skull.
The confidence you gain in knowing your body and knowing your desires and sexual response will translate to greater confidence when having sex with partners (and will make for much more passionate fucking).
You’ll develop a deeper connection to yourself, giving you more confidence and happiness.
Your first and most important sexual relationship is with yourself. After all, nobody gives you an orgasm. A partner can help facilitate you to orgasm, but ultimately what’s happening is going on inside of you. It’s your excitement,your desire and your body. The more intimate you become with your own body, the more you’ll discover about what you like, what turns you on and what excites you.
A lot of people subconsciously feel they don’t deserve to feel good. When you learn to give more to yourself, you are cultivating worthiness, self esteem, confidence and self acceptance.
Your first and most important sexual relationship is with yourself
You’ll start to let go of sexual shame.
Many of us have found ourselves in the habit of masturbating quickly perhaps due to early adolescent experiences of shame. Maybe you shared a bedroom with a sibling and had to masturbate quietly, or maybe one of your parents walked in on you while playing with yourself. Or maybe you simply grew up in a family or religious environment that taught you that masturbation was sinful.
I have carried a lot of sexual shame. Shame is quite possibly the most toxic emotion I know of. I’ve been a slave to my own sense of sexual guilt. I’ve felt like a pervert, like I was disgusting and like I wasn’t good enough. Every time I masturbated to porn I would experience a moment of hyper-excitement followed by ejaculation and an overwhelming sense of shame, loneliness and guilt, but through a slow process of acceptance and exploration I was able to let go of my shame and realize that I was perfectly normal, and that my desires were natural.
Taking the time to explore yourself in a safe space will help to slowly peel back the layers of shame you may have built up over the years. When you take things at your own pace and learn more about the natural functions of your body, you are sub-communicating to yourself that sex and masturbation is not only natural but can also be enjoyable.
It is REALLY good for you
The health benefits alone should be reason enough. In 2003, an Australian study of 2,338 men found that those that ejaculated between 4 and 7 times per week were 36% less likely to be diagnosed with prostate cancer. Ejaculation is also known to increase cortisol which can strengthen the immune system.
Masturbation also releases those feel-good chemicals in the brain; dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin, promoting better moods and sense of well-being.
So we’ve briefly covered some reasons why you may want to learn to form a Mindful masturbation practice. In Part 2 of this article, we’ll look at some of the habitual patterns many men fall into when they masturbate and how some of these bad habits may be affecting your self-esteem and sexual confidence.
Then finally, in Part 3 we’ll be putting some new ideas and new habits we’ve explored into practice and you’ll learn how to really connect to your sexuality and cultivate more pleasure, self-acceptance and orgasmic potential.
Complete Article HERE!