Category: Sexual Satisfaction

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Want To Spice Up Your Sex Life?

— Here’s How

By Krati Mehra

Long-term relationships are a beautiful part of our lives, but with the reliability and trust that comes with such intimacy, so too comes predictability. Like any aspect of a relationship, the sexual side of our relationships change with time, and what was once hot and heavy can be reduced almost to a habit or another chore to tick off the list.

As much as we need the security of steady love, we also like to feel attractive—like we’re still alluring enough to excite our partner, even after many years of companionship. More importantly, a healthy and fulfilling sex life is integral to the emotional and physical bonding between partners.

When the sexual aspect of a romantic relationship hits a slump, spicing things up in (or outside) the bedroom can help rekindle that old flame.

Why it’s important to prioritize a fulfilling sex life

Prioritizing a fulfilling sex life is not simply about caring for different relationship aspects; Satisfying sex establishes a synchronicity between two individuals. It guards the shared trust and understanding, ensuring the longevity and resilience of the romantic bond.

Results of a study1 published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin indicate that the shared moments of passion, even ones limited to cuddling, kissing, and caressing, create deep feelings of love and affection.

“A healthy and fulfilling sex life helps create a deep emotional connection, nurtures intimacy, and builds a unique bond that is both private and profound,” explains psychology expert and life coach Bayu Prihandito, adding, “Couples who maintain a satisfying sexual relationship exhibit better communication, reduced stress, and a heightened sense of overall well-being.”

Research2 also shows that healthy sexual relationshipd create a safe emotional boundary for sharing desires, preferences, and concerns, leading to open and honest communication—another pillar critical for healthy relationships.

“Pleasure and orgasms release oxytocin, the ‘love’ hormone, which not only bonds us to our partner but also reduces stress,” notes sex and relationship therapist, Leigh Norén. This biochemical process creates a positive feedback loop, enhancing trust in the relationship.

A satisfying sex life can also create a fertile ground for healthy conflict resolution, cementing and safeguarding the shared understanding and trust between the two people.

And, as confirmed by several studies 3, a satisfying sex life also enhances the health and wellbeing of both people. “Regular sexual activity can positively affect physical health, from improved heart health to reduced pain sensitivity,” psychiatrist and professor Ryan Sultan M.D. tells mindbodygreen.

How to tell it’s time to spice things up

Despite the impact that gratifying sex has on both individual wellbeing and the health of a romantic relationship, sometimes even the most loving relationships can fall into a sexual rut.

“It’s when sex becomes a routine rather than an exploration, a task rather than a joy,” remarks Prihandito. And this can happen for a number of reasons—lack of privacy, work or life stress, health issues, or a temporary shift in priorities—but a sexual rut can become an indicator of more significant problems when there is an underlying emotional disconnect or unaddressed conflict between partners.

“Sexual issues become red flags when accompanied by emotional withdrawal, lack of communication, or unresolved conflicts. Sex is often a mirror of the health of the relationship. If the reflection reveals disconnection or discontent, it’s a clear sign of deeper underlying issues that need your attention,” says Prihandito.

According to licensed marriage and family therapist, Veronica Cisneros LMFT, if a couple has always struggled with physical intimacy, or if there are resentment and unresolved conflicts negatively impacting the emotional connection, the bedroom problems may be symptoms of a more significant issue.

“A good way to determine this is if one or both partners are guilty of using criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or stonewalling in times of conflict. These are what the Gottman’s call the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse, and they’re Gottman’s predictors of divorce,” she adds.

However, if the relationship is generally healthy, with both partners feeling emotionally connected, it may simply be time to revitalize their intimate moments.

Signs of a sexual rut

A sexual rut happens in most long-term relationships where comfort and familiarity can dull the sexual spark. Signs that it may be time to spice things up:

  • Complete absence of any and all sexual exchange between the partners
  • An increasing disinterest in sexual intimacy from both parties and lengthening intervals between sexual encounters
  • Post-sex, there is a sense of dissatisfaction, whether sexual, emotional, or physical
  • There is a lack of spontaneity. Like any other regularly scheduled chore, it happens on the same day of the week, at the same time, and in the same place, most probably the bedroom
  • Even as you get intimate, there is an emotional distance with little to no eye contact, shared laughter, tender attentiveness, and no lingering post-coital
  • The intimate experiences lack novelty. It’s the same position every time. The progression and pace are uninspired, leading to an encounter that feels almost scripted
  • You’re not fully present during intimacy, with your thoughts straying towards daily chores or future plans
  • You are having erotic fantasies about someone other than your partner
  • A decline in relationship satisfaction accompanied by a noticeable emotional distance
  • Sex happens not out of an active desire, but as an obligation or to keep up the facade of normalcy
  • Frequent reminiscing over past sexual encounters and longing to repeat the experience
  • No open, exciting discussions around sexual desires, fantasies, and needs
  • You feel unattractive and wonder if your partner is still invested in the relationship

How to spice up your sex life

Let’s dive into some creative solutions to spicing up your sex life. To some extent, each method requires stepping away from your comfort zone. However, the strategies are also respectful and suitable for a loving relationship.

1. Open and honest sexual communication

A 2019 study4 from The Journal of Sex Research shares that communication about sexual matters is vital to cultivating and maintaining a healthy sexual dynamic. Often, sexual issues happen because the couple is reluctant to openly express their sexual needs.

Sexual communication involves sharing sexual preferences and boundaries, desired sexual activities, and past sexual experiences. When partners are convinced they can safely talk about sex and related experiences, good or bad, with each other, it positively impacts sexual and relationship satisfaction.

“Make time to talk openly and honestly about your sexual desires, needs, and fantasies. Pay attention to any insecurities or fears you have about communicating. This open dialogue is crucial for understanding what you and your partner need to feel fulfilled in the bedroom,” Cisneros advises.

And as sex and relationship coach, and professor of sexual and relational communication Tara Suwinyattichaiporn Ph.D., notes, sexual communication can also help when age begins to interfere with performance. “Talking openly about desires and when they change can create a better understanding of each other’s sexuality,” she says.

2. Explore different positions

“Just like you add various spices to keep your meals exciting, you need to do the same for your sex life,” says Cisneros. Forget about missionary, experiment with different sexual positions—it will break the monotony and help you escape the sexual rut.

Certain positions can allow for deeper penetration, clitoral and prostate stimulation, and G-spot engagement, leading to heightened pleasure during sex. The more challenging positions will allow you to explore your partner’s body as if for the first time. This heightened physical awareness may also lead to renewed feelings of closeness and intimacy.

As you plan new positions to try, the vibe between you will shift. It will have an element of anticipation, excitement, and playfulness. It will go from routine to thrilling

3. Dive into the world of BDSM

To really shake things up and add new, intriguing layers to your relationship, try BDSM. Contrary to popular belief, research shows that those who enjoy BDSM are socially well-adjusted. BDSM also has a positive impact on relationship satisfaction.

It is an exciting way for partners to explore their limits and boundaries, venture into new sensual territories, and experience a level of physical and psychological stimulation that’s very different from what you get from traditional sexual activities.

Due to its nature, to indulge in BDSM, couples have to trust each other and communicate actively. There is an intentional vulnerability to BDSM, deepening the emotional connection between the partners. As you explore new fantasies, scenarios, and avenues of sexual expression, the romantic bond between the two people comes alive with excitement and a pulsing anticipation that can completely reinvigorate the relationship.

4. Try a new location

You can switch things up by having sex in a location other than the bedroom. For your next intimate encounter, consider booking a hotel room. You could also have sex in your car or in different places in your house.

For an added thrill, you can try sex in a public place. As long as you’re safe and not at any risk of getting arrested, the element of danger can make things very exciting.

5. Restart your relationship

Act as if you are once again courting your partner. Rekindle the sexual spark by returning to a time in your relationship when each day was about some new, exciting discovery. There was flirting, teasing, and the thrill of anticipation.

“At the beginning of a relationship, we passionately and intensely pursue our partners to attract them,” couples therapist Kimberlin Shepard, LMSW tells mindbodygreen. “If you once wore lingerie all the time, dig it back out! Plan date nights. Get all dolled up, go out to drinks, dinner, or a movie, and then come home and have steamy, hot sex,” she adds.

Engage in playful banter and give lavish compliments. Remind your partner that to you, there is no one more attractive. Rebuild comfort by showing physical affection and indulging in non-sexual touch.

6. Watch erotic movies together

“Taking inspiration from pornography or erotica can be a great way to spice things up,” says Norén. As you sit through an erotic movie, you will feel yourselves getting aroused, and as the film progresses, the sexual tension will escalate. When you turn off the TV, the tension will be released in an explosive, passionate, and fiery union.

7. Use sex toys

Studies indicate that using vibrators can enhance sexual satisfaction for both partners. For men, vibrators can also boost sexual performance, while for women, they make it easier to orgasm.

There are a variety of other sex toys available on the market that can enhance sexual experiences. The toys can be part of BDSM practices or role-playing scenarios. Apart from fun and excitement, planning the use of sex toys also leads to more focused sexual communication.

8.Try a sensual massage

Sensual massage can be a powerful tool to reconnect with your partner physically and, once again, explore their body with intent and focus. The stroking touch not only soothes but also stimulates.

Soft music in the background, sweet-smelling incense, dim lighting, and no interruptions can combine to create a sanctuary free from all stress and distraction, and suddenly, your world narrows to your partner and the pleasure you can share. As you massage your partner, it reminds you of how much you’ve always enjoyed caring for them, and you will be mentally relieving fond memories.

9. Play sex-related games

Bring fun back to your relationship through games focused on sex.

As you try to reestablish your sexual connection, begin with moments of friendship and shared laughter. It will remove all the stress and maybe even inhibitions if you’re playing strip poker or sexual truth and dare. You can also try couple’s cards, board, and dice games easily available on the market.

“Create small challenges or dares for each other to make it exciting. Ask your partner to identify things you are currently doing that drive them crazy in the bedroom. Ask them what feels good and what they want more of,” Cisneros advises.

10. Wear lingerie

A visual and tactical stimulant, lingerie can reignite passion in a relationship. It creates anticipation as it teases and tantalizes your partner.

Wearing lingerie can make you feel confident and alluring, making it easier to be bold and not only ask for what you want sexually but also deliver on your partner’s expectations. It is more than just a piece of clothing; It’s symbolic of your commitment to making things better and an invitation to a deeper sexual connection.

11. Practice spiritual sex

A way to completely step away from your usual practice is by combining sex with spirituality. It will enhance emotional and sexual closeness and elevate your connection to something sacred that demands respect and careful nourishment.

You can practice spiritual sex by cleansing the sexual environment. Begin by removing all clutter so energy flows freely, light incense to create positivity, use light colors for the bedding and, if possible, also for the walls and the decor. Let the natural elements, like sunlight and fresh air, enter the space.

Initiate intimacy by anointing each other’s bodies with oil. Make sacred vows and renew your commitment to each other. Indulge in mindful lovemaking with steady eye contact. Move at a slow, gentle pace. Touch each other with reverence. Together, these steps will add more emotional depth to the sexual exchange, forging an emotional bond that goes beyond the physical act of love.

12. Merge creativity and adventure with sex

Infuse elements of spontaneity, adventure, and novelty in your sexual moments.

Engaging in activities that raise adrenaline levels, like bungee jumping, roller coaster rides, or even workout challenges, can mimic the physiological arousal of sexual excitement, and when you experience them together, they increase the sexual attraction between a couple. Sex that follows such events is usually more heated and exciting.

Similarly, you can break the mold of predictability and routine through creative activities like sex paintings and by drawing temporary tattoos on each other’s bodies.

13. Try the sexual thrill of role-play

We all have characters we love and wish to emulate, which can be the key to adding some adventure and excitement to your sex life. As part of role play, we can assume a persona that either excites us or our partner, create exciting scenarios, and meet up with our significant other as if for the first time. When you shed your actual identity, you also leave behind your inhibitions and the stress that is so much a part of your daily life. Pretending to be someone else creates a sense of safety, allowing you to enact fantasies you’ve never shared with your partner.

This form of imaginative engagement helps partners see each other in a new light, discovering aspects of one another’s character that adds new dimensions to their sexual attraction. The thrill of being someone else adds to the sexual tension, making intimacy more charged and exhilarating.

14. Experiment with temperature play

Temperature play is an erotic practice that uses heat or cold to stimulate the body. It is a form of sensory play that introduces a variety of new physical sensations to sex. You can use heated oils, ice cubes, and massage candles. Specially designed toys are also available; these toys can be chilled or heated.

Switching from cold to hot can surprise the partner and stimulate nerves, increasing sensitivity. Such sexual play requires mutual trust, communication, and an open mind. These create a sense of shared adventure and exploration by leading the couple away from their comfort zones.

15. Combine food and sex

As part of foreplay, enhance the sensory experience by using edible items. Your items’ different tastes, textures, and aromas can stimulate the senses and add a layer of excitement and freshness to a sexual experience.

During the act, you can feed each other and experiment with temperature using chilled fruits or warm chocolate. You can also use edible underwear or paint. Such erotic practices encourage partners to be fully present as they engage with their partners and create some exciting new memories.

16. Create a sexual wish list

Create a list of sexual things, fantasies, kinks and experiences you want to explore. It can be anything from trying a new position, location, or toy to something more adventurous like role-playing, temperature play, or joining a nude retreat. The act of discussing and creating the list can be pretty arousing. It will improve communication and shift each partner’s perception of their relationship and each other. It will also introduce new and exciting possibilities for their future together.

On a more practical level, a sexual bucket list can serve as a roadmap that will create momentum and keep you going on this journey to a better sex life.

17. Try sensory deprivation

In sensory deprivation sex, by restricting one or more senses, you amplify the pleasure received from the senses that remain active. For instance, if you blindfold your partner and deprive them of visual stimulation, they’ll fully tune into their environment and what they can feel happening to and around their body. Every touch will be unexpected, heightening the thrill and anticipation. They will feel each whisper, kiss, lick, and stroke more intensely. While they’re blindfolded, you can also use objects like oils, feathers, or toys like vibrators to stimulate your partner. It will keep them on tenterhooks, trying to guess what will follow.

“It’s a journey of rediscovery, where vulnerability meets creativity, and intimacy is reimagined,” says Prihandito.

Through sensory deprivation, you can ensure your partner’s attention remains centered on you. Use tools like blindfolds, headphones, and restraints to limit your partner’s sight, sound, or movement, adding excitement to the encounter and fostering a deeper trust between partners.

18. Indulge in extended foreplay

Foreplay involves exploring your partner, expressing your desire for them, and building sexual tension, all adding more nuance to intimate moments. It is all about affectionate exchanges, sharing desires and fantasies, making out, and going only so far and no more. It prepares the body and mind and sets an emotional stage for a deeper sexual connection. This lazy exploration helps in understanding what excites and pleases each partner.

“Remember, not all forms of physical intimacy lead to sex, but they can create an atmosphere of sensuality. Cuddle, hold hands and exchange massages. This physical closeness can create a natural segue into sexual intimacy,” Cisneros tells mindbodygreen.

Extended foreplay can go on for days, whipping the partners into a sexual frenzy. It can include sexting, teasing with seductive lingerie, ‘accidental’ touches that are anything but, raunchy messages, and dirty talk. The couple can also indulge in erotic games. This prolonged phase of intimate interaction makes partners more receptive and responsive during the act. It allows you to savor each moment and revel in the undercurrent of attraction and arousal.

19. Establish a deeper emotional connection

“Strengthening emotional intimacy can enhance the connection in the bedroom,” says Sultan.

Repair your sexual relationship by rekindling your emotional bond. Make yourself vulnerable. Allow your partner to see into your heart by openly and honestly sharing your feelings, hopes, and dreams for their future as a couple. Invite them to speak their mind and share their feelings. Listen attentively and with curiosity. Ask open-ended questions to draw them out.

Show them appreciation for the love and laughter they have brought into your life. “Regularly expressing gratitude can create a positive emotional environment, which can be incredibly freeing sexually,” shares Cisneros.

You can even revisit your old haunts and recreate moments of emotional significance to your partner. Emotional closeness will allow for a more relaxed and intimate exploration of each other’s bodies and desires, leading to a more satisfying and adventurous sex life.

20. Work with a professional

If none of the strategies proves helpful or seems to not be to your taste or violate any of your boundaries, it is best to work with a sex therapist, counselor, or coach. It is especially helpful if your partner resists attempts to improve the relationship.

Besides providing tools, techniques, and guidance to repair your sexual connection, an experienced professional can help you identify if the sexual rut is pointing to a more profound relationship issue.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Alcohol Might Be Ruining Your Orgasm

— How much and how often you drink can affect your ability to climax during sexual activity.

By Catherine Pearson

Emma Schmidt, a clinical sexologist in Cincinnati, has lost track of the number of clients she’s seen for low libido and problems orgasming after they’ve first visited a doctor who advised them to “Just relax and have a glass of wine.”

That type of suggestion is not just dismissive, Dr. Schmidt said, but it highlights the gaps in our collective understanding about the interplay between alcohol and sex.

After years of contradictory findings, recent research has made it clear that even moderate drinking poses risks to your overall health. But the question of how alcohol affects sexual health — specifically, orgasms — can be a bit fuzzier.

“Society has long depicted alcohol as a crucial ingredient for romantic encounters,” said Catalina Lawsin, a clinical psychologist who specializes in sexuality. She added that people often mix sex and alcohol because it relaxes them and offers a sense of escapism — and because of a widely held belief that alcohol “elevates sexual prowess and pleasure.”

But the reality, she said, is much more complex.

What happens when you mix alcohol and sex?

“Essentially, there’s no research,” said Dr. Lauren Streicher, a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine whose work focuses on sexual dysfunction in women.

The data that does exist — much of it from rat studies or small, qualitative investigations — suggests a pattern: Small amounts of alcohol seem to enhance arousal and decrease sexual inhibitions, Dr. Streicher said, but large amounts can suppress arousal and delay or prevent orgasm.

To understand why, it helps to look at the specific processes happening in your brain when you drink.

Alcohol releases dopamine, said Dr. Regina Krel, an assistant professor of neurology with Hackensack Meridian School of Medicine, who described it as “the feel good neurotransmitter.” Researchers believe it helps control desire.

At the same time, alcohol enhances the effects of gamma-aminobutyric acid, or GABA, a chemical messenger that inhibits impulses between nerve cells, essentially slowing the brain down and making a person feel more relaxed.

“It does make you think, ‘Oh, I feel hornier!’” because it lowers inhibitions, said Laurie Mintz, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida who focuses on human sexuality. “But the irony is that, in fact, it’s a central nervous system depressant.”

That means that alcohol has a dampening effect throughout the brain, Dr. Krel said, including in the prefrontal cortex (which is responsible for things like weighing consequences), the cerebellum (which controls coordination) and the autonomic nervous system (which regulates functions like heart rate and breathing).

Alcohol can hinder the brain’s ability to process sexual stimuli and coordinate muscle contractions, which are central to the orgasmic response, Dr. Lawsin added. “While it may contribute to relaxation and inhibition reduction initially, excessive consumption can interfere with the intricate processes that lead to the intense pleasure and satisfaction of orgasm.”

How much you drink matters.

The experts said that moderate drinking before having sex is usually OK. However, they also stressed that knowing whether alcohol will help lead to orgasm by reducing stress and inhibitions, or get in the way of orgasm by suppressing basic functions, has a lot to do with how often you drink and how much you drink on any given occasion.

Moderate drinking is usually defined in the United States as no more than two drinks a day for men or one drink a day for women. But the way alcohol affects you is determined by a host of factors, including genes, body size and composition, and your history with drinking.

Chronic, heavy use of alcohol has been linked to erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation in men, Dr. Mintz said. Research has also connected alcohol consumption to sexual dysfunction (persistent problems with sexual response, desire and orgasm) in women.

“There isn’t a magic number of drinks that applies to everyone,” Dr. Lawsin said, adding that excessive alcohol use can hamper the connection between partners, as well as impair decision making and the ability to consent to sex.

How to find help with orgasm issues.

If you are experiencing anorgasmia (which is delayed or infrequent orgasms, or no orgasms at all), your first step should be to reach out to a primary care physician or sex therapist who can help determine the root cause or causes and connect you to the right type of specialist or treatment, Dr. Schmidt said.

There could be one or a number of underlying issues affecting your ability to orgasm, including certain health conditions or medications, relationship problems and trauma, as well as your alcohol consumption.

Many primary care doctors, and even some gynecologists and urologists, do not have a specific background in sex medicine, so it can help to ask if they do, she said, and if they have any experience working with patients with anorgasmia.

If alcohol seems to be hampering your orgasms, ask yourself how and why you use alcohol around sex, Dr. Schmidt said, noting that mental health professionals and sex therapists can be a valuable resource.

Do you often or always drink beforehand?

“If someone is using alcohol as a way to be able to have sex,” she said, “or if they feel scared, ashamed or vulnerable having sex without alcohol, then we might want to explore more.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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3 Ways To Master The Psychology Of Enhanced Sexual Pleasure

By Mark Travers

Sexual satisfaction refers to the level of contentment, pleasure and fulfillment experienced during a sexual encounter. It is a complex and individual experience, influenced by a variety of emotional and psychological factors that extend beyond the physical act itself.

It is essential to recognize that sexual satisfaction is an ever-evolving aspect of the human experience and can be developed, nurtured and enhanced over time. Optimal sexual experiences are closely linked to relationship satisfaction and individual well-being. This has prompted researchers to examine the psychological qualities and practices that could potentially augment them.

Here are three ways to improve sexual satisfaction, according to research.

1. The Sensual Improves The Sexual

A 2020 study highlights the role of sensuality, which involves a heightened awareness of the five senses of touch, taste, sight, smell and hearing, in intensifying sexual satisfaction.

Other research suggests that “sexual mindfulness,” the practice of being fully engaged in the present moment during a sexual experience, can enhance pleasure, communication and emotional connection with a partner.

According to researcher Chelom Leavitt, sexual mindfulness involves slowing down and taking time to savor the sensations you and your partner are experiencing, instead of rushing the process and focusing solely on the end goal of an orgasm. For instance, focusing on your partner’s voice, their scent, the texture of their skin or how it feels to be held by them can help you become more fully immersed in the process.

Additionally, a 2021 study found that experiencing a “flow state” during sex results in greater sexual satisfaction for both partners. The flow state, often referred to as “being in the zone,” is a mental state of optimal performance and complete absorption in a meaningful activity.

Partners may be able to achieve flow by discussing ways to make their environment free of distractions. Flow also occurs when individuals have a clear understanding of the goal of an activity (which would be connection and presence during a sexual experience) and receive encouraging feedback through it, which could be facilitated through positive communication about how each partner is feeling in the process.

2. Let Curiosity Drive Sexual Experimentation

Curiosity and the power of imagination have also been linked to heightened sexual satisfaction, specifically for individuals with secure attachment styles. Researchers suggest that getting curious about sexual responses, needs, preferences and fantasies that you and your partner have can enhance your sexual experiences together.

Curiosity leads to experiencing greater intimacy. By asking questions and opening up to each other about sexual desires, partners can indulge their shared or individual erotic fantasies, experiencing both emotional acceptance and physical safety, which creates a more empowering and satisfying sexual experience.

According to a 2015 study, using your imagination even outside of the bedroom, such as simply daydreaming about your partner, contributes to feelings of love and connection, which can heighten sexual intimacy.

3. Come As You Are

A 2018 study published in Sex and Marital Therapy found that displaying authenticity, vulnerability and trust in a relationship has the power to transform sexual intimacy.

Researchers suggest that establishing trust involves partners being reliable, respectful and communicating openly about sexual preferences, boundaries, concerns and desires without facing judgment from either end.

Further, vulnerability lies in shedding pretenses and choosing to show one’s true self with a partner. Often, sex becomes an insincere performance, where we may be adhering to societal expectations of how to look and behave, which takes away from being authentically present and connected with oneself and one’s partner.

A 2019 study found that the perceived pressure to be perfect is linked to decreased sexual satisfaction. Breaking down mental barriers around sex then involves unlearning internal messages such as sexual desire as being shameful or solely functional and remembering that our needs matter too. This allows for authentic enjoyment and communication, where individuals can learn what their partners need and also allow themselves to receive love and pleasure.

Acceptance of one’s own body, desires and a positive self-image also contribute to a sense of confidence and comfort during intimate moments. Encouraging a partner’s positive self-perception further enhances the overall sexual experience. An emotionally supportive connection becomes the stepping stone to greater satisfaction in all facets of a relationship.

Conclusion

Sexual satisfaction is not just a physical experience, but an emotional one. Learning to cultivate mindfulness and emotional intimacy through curiosity, vulnerability and authenticity can help individuals let go of societal expectations and focus on enjoyment and genuine connection.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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TikTok is talking about sex dry spells.

— So, how do you get out of a slump?

Sex slumps happen. Here’s how to reconnect.

By Anna Iovine

So, you haven’t had sex in a while. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, no sex can be troublesome — and with social media showing everyone’s highlight reel, you can feel like you’re the only one. The good news is, you’re absolutely not; TikTok has over 35 million videos related to “dry spells,” for example. And, luckily, there are steps you can take to help. Mashable spoke to three experts about what to do if you’re in a sex slump.

Why do dry spells happen?

There’s a slew of reasons why sex slumps or dry spells occur, including individual, medical, and relational reasons, said sex therapist, expert for sex toy brand LELO, and author of Becoming Cliterate, Dr. Laurie Mintz. For instance, medications like SSRIs can decrease interest in sex, as can physical and psychological reasons, like pelvic pain or depression. Sexual pain is often a hidden driver of a slump, she said; sex shouldn’t hurt, so if it does, see a doctor.

Issues like being too busy, chronic stress, insomnia, and body image issues can also lead to a lack of sex. Within relationships, anger and resentment (whether large or small), or feeling either disconnected or too connected (like siblings) can as well, Mintz continued. Other issues like sexual boredom and not enjoying sex can result in sexual disinterest, too.;

“To understand the reason for a dry spell it’s important to understand that our sex life is a very sensitive creature, which responds to what is transpiring in our lives in general,” said Julia Svirid, in-house sex coach at sex education platform Beducated. Unresolved issues like those mentioned above, as well as mismatched libidos or desires, can lead to a dry spell.

On the other hand, dry spells can occur even if there’s no issues in the relationship. If you have a lack of free time or are experiencing a major life change — like moving or having a baby — that can contribute to the lack of sex too.

Take a moment to admit you’re going through a dry spell and miss sex, said Svirid. “There is nothing wrong with you,” she said. “Single people experience sex slumps all the time too.”

Ask yourself what’s stopping you from having sex. Here are some questions Svirid offered:

  • Did you have negative sexual experiences in the past, and now you are afraid of being intimate?
  • Are you unsure where or how to find a partner?
  • Have you forgotten how the “sex game” works because you have been out of it for so long?

Whatever the reason, Svirid said, addressing it can help you move forward.

You don’t have to do this work on your own; professionals like sex therapists can help you. “If underlying issues persist, it’s advisable to consider sex therapy or consult a healthcare professional for medical concerns,” said sexologist at Bedbible Rhiannon John. “Therapy can be beneficial for both individuals and couples, depending on the underlying issues, and it can provide support through medical challenges as well.”

John also advised prioritizing self-care to reduce stress and enhance your overall well-being. This includes getting enough sleep, movement, and nutritious foods, and maybe even some meditation.

Don’t forget to masturbate, either. Mintz recommends reading, watching, or listening to erotica to get your interest going. Invest in your pleasure with sex toys and lube; you don’t need a partner to enjoy those!

“Take time to explore your own desires and fantasies through self-pleasure or self-discovery,” John concurred. “This can be through masturbation, or through sexual mediums such as erotica, or ethical pornography.”

How to get out of a dry spell if you’re partnered

Communication is always the first step to solving a couple’s sexual problem, said Mintz. Talk about it outside the bedroom. Here’s a script she provided:

I want to talk to you about something that’s a bit scary to discuss. However, I love you and want our relationship to be the best it can be and so I am bringing this up. I’ve noticed that we haven’t been having sex as much lately. Our sexual relationship is important to me, and I want us to figure this out and work on it.

Then, talk about the reasons the dry spell may be occurring, whether they’re specific to your relationship (i.e. resentment) or not (i.e. stress). Once again, you may find a therapist (general or a sex-specific therapist) helpful to work out issues. If therapy is inaccessible, there are other educational resources out there like books — such as Mintz’s — and sites like Beducated.

“Both partners should be willing to make changes and put in some effort,” said Svirid.

Make sex a priority by committing time and energy to it. Mintz suggested scheduling sex — it may take away the spontaneity, but it can assure you and your partner will get some sexy time in, and it can build anticipation. You may find that you’re too tired to have sex at night; do so in the morning or afternoon if possible.

If you have children, perhaps you can find time to have sex when they’re at an extracurricular activity or with their grandparents. Hire a babysitter and instead of going out to dinner, book a hotel room, Mintz said.

Try new things, be it toys, kinks (if you’re both into that), or erotica — especially if boredom is the main reason behind the slump. Let go of what sex “should” look like, be it spontaneous or penis-in-vagina, and instead focus on each other and your pleasure.

But don’t forget emotional intimacy, either. John recommends scheduling date nights or other intimate moments that allow you to reconnect on a deeper level. This will strengthen the emotional bond between you two. There are other ways to maintain intimacy besides sex, as well. “Even if sex is less frequent, continue to nurture emotional intimacy through cuddling, hugging, and affectionate gestures,” said John.

“The most important thing,” Svirid said, “is to be honest with each other and for both of you to be willing to make changes.”

Understand that sex slumps are normal, Svirid continued, and not having a ton of sex doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you or your relationship. Mintz said the sooner these issues are addressed, the better, however, so issues don’t snowball.

“If you expect your sex life to always remain the same, no matter what, then you are setting yourself up for disappointment,” Svirid said. Just as you and your partner will change as individuals over time, so will your relationship and so will your sex life.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is delayed ejaculation?

— Here’s what you need to know about this little-talked about problem

Delayed ejaculation has several possible causes, including certain prescription drugs and medical issues, like low testosterone.

By Martha Kempner

While guys who climax too quickly, like the high school teen who can’t even get his pants off before it’s all over, is a well-known issue, there’s a flip side to that problem: being able to go and go and go without reaching orgasm, a condition known as delayed ejaculation.

There isn’t a lot of research on it, but a 2016 study estimated that between 1% and 4% of men experience delayed ejaculation all the time or when with a partner. The researchers also noted that it’s the “least studied and least understood of male sexual dysfunctions.”

Delayed ejaculation is the inability to climax within a reasonable amount of time. What’s reasonable varies for each person, but some experts cite needing more than 30 minutes of sexual stimulation to reach orgasm as a sign of a problem. There’s no need to get out a stopwatch; the real test of whether this is an issue is how often it’s happening and how you and your partner feel about it.

We rarely talk about men’s sexual health, and the feelings of failure that can come with not being able to climax mean we talk about this issue even less than others like premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction. Ignoring it, however, may trap couples in a cycle of anxiety that ends with one or both partners deciding it’s better to avoid sex altogether than have this happen again. Spoiler alert: It’s not.

Here are some ways to break that cycle.

Talk to your partner

Don’t let this become the elephant in the room — or in your bed. “Without talking about the issue, our minds are left to speculate and ruminate,” Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of She Comes First, tells Yahoo Life. “A partner may start to worry that maybe the person with DE is no longer attracted to them or is bored by the sex.”

Communication is crucial, and Kerner notes that how we address these subjects matters. “When having these sorts of conversations, always begin with how you’re feeling and your own vulnerability,” he says. “Start with ‘Hey, I’ve been feeling anxious.’ Generally talking about the elephant in the room is a relief and gets you on the same team.”

Rule out medical issues

Medical issues known to cause delayed ejaculation include low testosterone, spinal cord injuries and certain infections. DE can also be a side effect of common prescription drugs, such as antidepressants and blood pressure medications. A new study found that DE is associated with more underlying health issues — both physical, such as testicular dysfunction, and emotional, such as anxiety — than premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction.

Dr. Michael Eisenberg, a urologist at Stanford University, says that a health care provider can assess whether a medical problem is causing delayed ejaculation. “We will evaluate the timing of the condition, determine if it’s situational, assess hormones and determine underlying health conditions,” he tells Yahoo Life.

Change your routine

Delayed ejaculation can also be caused by desensitization of the penis. Dr. Jesse Mills, director of the UCLA Men’s Health Clinic, tells Yahoo Life that, like all other parts of our bodies, penises can lose sensitivity as we age. They can also get used to certain triggers: “The key to orgasm is friction,” Mills explains. “There’s no orifice as tight as a man’s own hand. If that’s what he’s used to, he may have sensitivity issues he has to overcome.”

Masturbation is good for you, but if you suspect desensitization, consider cutting back, especially when you’re expecting to have partnered sex soon.

Resetting your expectations can also help. Remember that penetrative sex isn’t everything. Just as many women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, you may need something more intense as well. Consider adding some sex toys, such as a prostate massager or a vibrating sleeve, which can amp up your orgasm. There’s also nothing wrong with finishing using your own hands while your partner curls up next to you.

Find an expert

If you are still having trouble finishing, it may be time to see an expert, whether that’s a sexual medicine doctor or a sex therapist.

Mills is a member of the Sexual Medicine Society of North America, a group that includes urologists, gynecologists, neurologists and sex therapists. He says this is a great place to start, since the website can help you find providers in your area. The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists can also help you find a certified sex therapist near you. “Anybody that has specialized training and interest in sex can get the workup rolling,” he says.

A sexual medicine expert can also help couples who are dealing with DE while they are trying to get pregnant. Eisenberg says there are medical ways to assist with ejaculation or sperm extraction, which can help couples separate fertility issues and sexual concerns.

Sex is supposed to be pleasurable and relieve our stress, not cause it. If you’re having trouble reaching orgasm, talk to your partner and reach out to medical and mental health experts for help.

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There’s more to sex than having an orgasm

– Men need to understand that

It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’

By

There’s nothing quite like the expression on a man’s face after he’s made a woman orgasm – that cheeky smirk and unmistakable glint in his eyes that’s just begging for some ‘good boy’ praise.

Ladies, you know what I mean… and gentlemen, I’m about to let you in on a secret.

That climax you were so proud to deliver? It might have been nothing but an elaborate show.

Most straight women I know have – at one point – faked, exaggerated or skipped their own pleasure. But we never pretend for our own benefit.

So, dear men, it’s time to sit up and pay attention as we tackle ‘the big O’.

Beyond faking it, I want to highlight how women can find it very embarrassing to discuss orgasms (or the lack thereof) and sometimes feel immense pressure to perform.

Just like some men may feel uncomfortable talking about erectile dysfunction because it can trigger feelings of shame, women who struggle with or can’t climax worry about being seen as ‘abnormal’ or ‘dysfunctional’.

Interestingly, a study from last year showed that women who have difficulty ‘getting there’ are more likely to feign enthusiasm in bed, too.

Sometimes it’s easier to fake it than admit, to ourselves and others that the orgasm is out of reach. This can happen at any time, to anyone.

A few years ago, my sex drive dipped due to side effects from medication. It was temporary and I knew that I’d eventually finish the course of drugs and everything would return to normal, but it still threw me off my game.

Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game

I was having regular sex with a partner at the time. I opened up to him about it all and, with a bit of coaxing, we were able to re-ignite my libido, but the orgasm didn’t follow.

The more my partner kept trying to help, the worse things got. He tried to use his hands, offered oral and was very enthusiastic, which I was very grateful for – but the enthusiasm just made the situation more pressurised.

He meant well but I could tell that he wanted that pat on the back for a job well done. To him, getting me off was a mission – to me, it was much more complex.

My vulva and vagina felt physically numb. It was as if someone had shut off the 10,000 nerve endings in my clitoris.

Determined to ‘fix’ the issue, I turned to masturbation, assuming that this would be easier because I was on my own, meaning there was no time limit.

One of the biggest concerns other women raise with me about orgasms is that they feel like there is a clock ticking, which prevents them from fully relaxing. This happens to me too, sometimes.

I eventually climaxed while playing solo but it took much longer than usual. The whole thing was unnerving, because the level of effort I’d had to put in just made me feel drained.

Without meaning to, I had taken the pleasure out of the experience. And this is a big part of the problem with orgasms.

In recent years, we’ve made great strides in closing the ‘orgasm gap’ (in short: men climax more often than women during sex and we’re trying to change that) but somewhere along the way, we missed a trick.

Because the point isn’t climax – it’s pleasure.

It’s time we stopped putting so much emphasis on ‘the big O’, especially when you consider that some women struggle with anorgasmia, a phrase used to describe the inability or difficulty for women to orgasm.

There are also those who enjoy sexual stimulation but don’t care about the ‘end goal’, who prefer to climax alone or who only do so if they have an emotional connection to a sexual partner. All of this should be acceptable and normal.

Don’t make orgasms the be-all and end-all of your pleasure because that’s a losing game. Besides, just because you can’t climax, it doesn’t mean you can’t have an amazing time in the sack.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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8 Sex Myths That Experts Wish Would Go Away

— Everyone else is having more sex than you. Men want sex more than women do. And more.

By Catherine Pearson

Chalk it up to the variability in sex education, in high schools and even medical schools, or to the fact that many adults find it hard to talk about sex with the person who regularly sees them naked. Whatever the reason, misinformation about sexuality and desire is common.

“There are so many myths out there,” said Laurie Mintz, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Florida who focuses on human sexuality. And, she added, they can “cause a lot of damage.”

So the Well section reached out to a group of sex therapists and researchers, and asked them to share a myth they wished would go away.

Here’s what they said.

Myth 1: Everyone else is having more sex than you.

“Oddly, this myth persists across the life span,” said Debby Herbenick, director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at the Indiana University School of Public Health and author of “Yes, Your Kid: What Parents Need to Know About Today’s Teens and Sex.”

Many teenagers think “everyone is doing it,” she said, leading them to jump into sex that they simply are not ready for. This myth can make older people in long-term relationships feel lousy, too — like they are the only ones in a so-called dry spell, when they may simply be experiencing the natural ebb and flow of desire.

“It’s pretty typical to find that about one in three people have had no partnered sex in the prior year,” Dr. Herbenick said, referencing several nationally representative surveys. She also points to research she has worked on showing that sexual activity has declined in recent years for reasons that aren’t fully understood. (Researchers have hypothesized that the decline has to do with factors like the rise in sexting and online pornography, as well as decreased drinking among young people.)

“It can help to normalize these periods of little to no partnered sex,” Dr. Herbenick said. “That said, for those looking for some longevity in their partnered sex life, it’s important to think about sex in a holistic way.” That means caring for your physical and mental health, she said, and talking through your feelings with your partner to maintain a sense of intimacy and connection.

Myth 2: Sex means penetration.

Sex therapists often lament that people get caught up in certain “sexual scripts,” or the idea that sex should unfold in a particular way — typically, a bit of foreplay that leads to intercourse.

But “we need to move beyond defining sex by a single behavior,” said Ian Kerner, a sex therapist and author of “She Comes First.” He noted that this type of narrow thinking has contributed to the longstanding pleasure gap between men and women in heterosexual encounters. For example, a study found that 75 percent of heterosexual men said they orgasmed every time they had been sexually intimate within the past month, compared with 33 percent of heterosexual women.

One survey found that 18 percent of women orgasmed from penetration alone, while 37 percent said they also needed clitoral stimulation to orgasm during intercourse. Instead of rushing toward intercourse, the focus should be on “outercourse,” Dr. Kerner said, which is an umbrella term for any sexual activity that doesn’t involve penetration.

“If you look at most mainstream movies, the image is women having these fast and fabulous orgasms from penetration, and foreplay is just the lead up to that main event,” Dr. Mintz said. “That is actually, scientifically, really damaging and false.”

In surveying thousands of women for her book “Becoming Cliterate,” Dr. Mintz found the percentage of women who said they orgasmed from penetration alone to be 4 percent or less.

Equating sex with penetration also leaves out people who have sex in other ways. For instance, Joe Kort, a sex therapist, has coined the term “sides” to describe gay men who do not have anal sex. Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist, said that view also overlooks people with certain disabilities as well as those who simply do not enjoy penetration. Many people find greater sexual satisfaction from things like oral sex or “even just bodily contact,” she said.

Myth 3: Vaginas shouldn’t need extra lubricant.

Postmenopausal women sometimes describe the pain they experience during penetrative sex as feeling like “sandpaper” or “knives.” But while vaginal dryness affects older women at a higher rate, it can happen at any point in life, Dr. Herbenick said, which has implications for women’s sex lives.

An estimated 17 percent of women between 18 and 50 report vaginal dryness during sex, while more than 50 percent experience it after menopause. She noted that it is also more common while women are nursing or during perimenopause, and that certain medications, including some forms of birth control, can decrease lubrication.

“As I often tell my students, vaginas are not rainforests,” Dr. Herbenick said, noting that her research has found that most American women have used a lubricant at some point. “We can feel aroused or in love and still not lubricate the way we want to.”

Myth 4: It is normal for sex to hurt.

Though lubricant can help some women experience more pleasure during sex, it is important to remember that sex should not hurt. An estimated 75 percent of women experience painful sex at some point in their lives, which can have many root causes: gynecologic problems, hormonal changes, cancer treatment, trauma — the list goes on.

Shemeka Thorpe, a sexuality researcher and educator who specializes in Black women’s sexual well-being, said many women believe that pain during or after sex is a sign of good sex.

“We know a lot of the times that people who end up having some sort of sexual pain disorder later in life actually had sexual pain during their first intercourse, and continued to have sexual pain or vulva pain,” Dr. Thorpe said. “They didn’t realize it was an issue.”

Men, too, can experience pain during intercourse. Experts emphasize that it is important for anyone experiencing pain during sex to see a medical provider.

Myth 5: Men want sex more than women do.

“Desire discrepancy is the No. 1 problem I deal with in my practice, and by no means is the higher-desire partner always male,” Dr. Kerner said. “But because of this myth, men often feel a sense of shame around their lack of desire, and a pressure to always initiate.”

(Dr. Herbenick noted the related myth that women don’t masturbate, which she said holds them back from fully exploring their sexuality.)

But while there is data to suggest that men masturbate more often than women do, it is untrue that women don’t want sex, or that men always do, said Dr. Brown-James. For instance, one recent study found that women’s desire tended to fluctuate more throughout their lifetimes, but that men and women experienced very similar desire fluctuations throughout the week.

Myth 6: Desire should happen instantly.

Sex therapists and researchers generally believe that there are two types of desire: spontaneous, or the feeling of wanting sex out of the blue, and responsive, which arises in response to stimuli, like touch.

People tend to think that spontaneous desire — which is what many lovers experience early in relationships — is somehow better.

But Lori Brotto, a psychologist and the author of “Better Sex Through Mindfulness,” said a lot of the work she does is to normalize responsive desire, particularly among women and those in long-term relationships.

She helps them understand that it is possible to go into sex without spontaneous desire, as long as there is willingness and consent. Dr. Brotto likens it to going to the gym when you don’t feel like it. “Your endorphins start flowing, you feel really good and you’re grateful you went afterward,” she said.

Myth 7: Planned sex is boring.

Dr. Brotto also disagrees with the idea that “planned sex is bad sex,” because it makes it “clinical and dry and boring.”

That view is “so harmful,” she said. And it results in many people treating sex like an afterthought, doing it only late at night when they’re exhausted or distracted, Dr. Brotto said, if they make time for it at all.

When clients bristle at the practice of scheduling sex, she will ask: Are there many other activities in your life that you love or that are important to you that you never plan for or put on the calendar? The answer, she said, is usually no.

Scheduled sex can also lend itself to responsive desire, Dr. Brotto said, giving “arousal time to heat up.”

Myth 8: Your penis doesn’t stack up.

Men are under a certain amount of pressure when it comes to how their penises look or function, Dr. Kerner said. Younger men, he said, believe they shouldn’t have erectile dysfunction, while older men get the message that premature ejaculation is something they grow out of with age and experience.

The data tells a different story. Though erectile dysfunction — which is defined as a consistent inability to achieve or maintain an erection, not just occasional erection issues — does tend to increase with age, it also affects an estimated 8 percent of men in their 20s and 11 percent of those in their 30s. And 20 percent of men between the ages of 18 and 59 report experiencing premature ejaculation.

“We don’t have a little blue pill to make premature ejaculation go away, so we’re not having the same cultural conversation as we are with erectile dysfunction,” Dr. Kerner said. “We’re just left with the myths that guys with premature ejaculation are bad in bed, or sexually selfish.”

Likewise, studies show that many men — gay and straight — worry that their penises do not measure up, even though many partners say they do not prefer an especially large penis.

“Partnered sex is complex,” Dr. Kerner said. “It involves touching, tuning in, connecting, communicating.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Beyond Pleasure

— How Intimate Gadgets Foster Deeper Connections

By

One of the most beautiful feelings in the world is sharing a deep connection with your partner. Intimacy is essential in love. To sustain intimacy in a long-term connection, it is important to keep the spark alive. One of the ways to achieve that is by adding intimate gadgets to the mix. 

Intimate gadgets are a new way for couples to explore and improve their sexual experiences and deepen their connection. Right from visiting an adult toys shop to incorporating these in your intimate experiences, these aids can heighten sexual stimulation and improve sex life in general.

How Intimate Gadgets Aid in Building Deeper Connections

Aside from exploring new sexual horizons, these gadgets can also build trust and strengthen the bond between couples. You might ask, “How?” In this article, we will explore how these toys can help you and your partner develop a deeper connection. Let’s delve into them.

1. More room for open communication

Communication is the backbone of any successful relationship and is crucial for building a deeper connection between partners. Incorporating Intimate gadgets into sexual activities can open up new avenues for you and your partner to communicate about and be expressive.

It can help you articulate your desires and preferences better and become more open to trying new things. Even when you’re physically away from your partners, you can still get intimate remotely. There are intimate gadgets that facilitate these remote interactions and experiences.

2. Enhanced sexual well-being

Intimate gadgets can help improve their sexual experience. Medical studies have shown that certain devices like vibrating rings, massage oil, or lubricants help with sexual stimulation. This is quite helpful for individuals with conditions that make sex uncomfortable or even painful because these conditions decrease sexual intimacy and connection between partners.

In cases of erectile dysfunction or low libido, intimate gadgets can allow couples to try other methods and reignite their intimate lives. Intimate gadgets are also beneficial to individuals who have experienced sexual trauma or have difficulty reaching orgasm.

They provide comfort and pleasure and can help to reclaim sexual autonomy and overcome the negative effects of such trauma. A 2020 study published in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy revealed that the use of vibrators improved sexual function and reduced sexual distress in women who had difficulty achieving orgasm.

3. Emotional intimacy

There is a popular belief that intimate gadgets weaken emotional connections, but this is far from the truth. In fact, studies have shown that they can increase emotional closeness between partners.

Research has shown that the use of intimate gadgets can help partners to deeply understand and connect with each other. They help couples who use intimate gadgets experience higher levels of trust, openness, and vulnerability within their relationships.

A study conducted by the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University revealed that participants who used vibrators with their partners reported higher levels of intimacy, communication, and satisfaction in their relationships. This suggests that beyond the pleasure that these gadgets offer, they can help to strengthen intimate connections between partners. These devices act as a catalyst for partners to share their desires and insecurities.

4. Rekindling lost intimacy

Any relationship can experience a strain or lack of intimacy. New couples might still find it a bit awkward to talk about sex or sexual activities. Long-term relationships are more likely to experience strain due to factors like distance, stress, work, lack of trust due to previous experiences, and even financial responsibilities.

Partners can rekindle lost intimacy with intimate gadgets. Adopting intimate gadgets in a bedroom provides a safe place that minimizes the awkwardness that may occur when it comes to sexual discussions and activities and promotes trust between partners. Discussing such sensitive experiences with your partner automatically increases the level of comfort in sharing certain fantasies and finding common ground.

When the passion wanes, intimate toys can come in. It reinvigorates the passion between partners to promote maximum sexual satisfaction even in long-term relationships.

5. Exploration

One significant aspect of deepening intimacy is trying new things. Couples need to be vulnerable to explore and experiment with each other’s desires. Intimate gadgets can help couples discover new things about their bodies.

They provide a safe environment for you and your partner to explore fantasies together, learn what excites your partner, and find ways to satisfy each other’s needs. Exploration provides knowledge, and when you know the sweet spots in your erogenous zones, you can reach orgasms far more easily. This improves sex in general.

Now you can see that aside from their primary function of providing pleasure, intimate gadgets have the potential to foster deeper connections with your partners. They enhance relationships, improve communication, and promote sexual wellness. As technology continues to advance, it will be even more fascinating to see how intimate gadgets evolve and continue to play a role in fostering deeper and more meaningful connections between partners. The benefits of intimate gadgets when it comes to building a deeper romantic connection are not limited to heterosexual couples. These gadgets are inclusive of all sexual orientations and gender identities.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The male menopause

— Genuine condition or moneymaking myth?

Late onset hypogonadism, sometimes likened to a ‘male menopause’, occurs in 2.1% of men who are almost exclusively over the age of 65.

Experts say there is no equivalent of the menopause for men and symptoms such as depression and low sex drive have other explanations

By

This week brought reports that “male menopause” policies are in place at several NHS trusts, with some HR managers suggesting staff could receive up to a year of sick pay if they experience symptoms. This is despite the NHS itself saying male menopause is not a clinical condition and that it is not national NHS policy to offer leave for it.

We take a look at the science behind the term.

What is meant by the “male menopause”?

The male menopause, also known as the andropause, is a term often used to refer to a cluster of features seen in some men in their late 40s to early 50s, such as depression, loss of sex drive, mood swings, erectile dysfunction, problems sleeping and loss of muscle mass.

However the NHS notes this is not a clinical condition. Rather, it says, it is an “unhelpful term sometimes used in the media”.

So this isn’t a male version of what women go through?

In a word, no.

Dr Ravinder Anand-Ivell, associate professor of endocrinology and reproductive physiology at the University of Nottingham and an expert of the European Academy of Andrology, says that the two are quite different.

“The menopause represents acute symptoms caused by the relatively abrupt cessation of ovarian hormonal function due to the exhaustion of a woman’s egg reserve at around 50 plus [or] minus five years of age,” she said. “Men have no equivalent physiology.”

Prof Richard Sharpe, an expert in male reproductive disorders from the University of Edinburgh, agreed.

“There is no question that, in normal men at the population level, blood testosterone levels decline with age from late 30s to early 40s onwards,” he said. “However, there is no precipitous fall in [blood testosterone] levels akin to that which occurs for estrogen levels in women at the menopause.”

Sharpe also stressed that some men may experience little blood testosterone decline when ageing. “It can be quite variable between individuals – unlike the 100% occurrence of menopause in women,” he said.

Does that mean the “male menopause” is made up?

Not exactly.

“There is a condition in some elderly men, known as ‘late onset hypogonadism’ or more recently called ‘functional hypogonadism’, which is characterised by low concentrations of testosterone in the blood together with symptoms of testosterone deficiency such as loss of libido, bone and muscle weakness, etc,” said Anand-Ivell.

But, she added, this occurs in approximately 2.1% of men, almost exclusively over the age of 65.

While some men with late-onset hypogonadism (LOH) may benefit from testosterone replacement therapy, its wider use has caused controversy. Some experts have raised concerns that it is being given to patients who have some similar symptoms to LOH but may have blood testosterone levels within the normal range for that age group.

“This is what I refer to as a ‘charlatan’s charter’; as such, general symptoms will occur in most men during – and before – ageing, but are almost always driven by other factors,” said Sharpe.

So what is behind this cluster of symptoms?

Anand-Ivell said men who reported sudden symptoms, and at a younger age, might well be experiencing another underlying health problem.

Indeed, as the NHS notes, features that have been ascribed to a “male menopause” could be down to lifestyle factors or psychological problems.

“For example, erectile dysfunction, low sex drive and mood swings may be the result of stress, depression [or] anxiety,” the NHS says, adding other causes of erectile dysfunction include smoking or heart problems.

Financial and life worries may also play a role in the symptoms some men experience during ageing, as could poor diet, lack of sleep and low self-esteem, the NHS notes.

Sharpe added that conditions such as obesity, and its downstream disorders, were also generally associated with lower blood testosterone levels in men, with some arguing it might predispose them to further weight gain.

As for treatment, Prof Frederick Wu of Manchester Royal Infirmary said the approach was threefold: “Lifestyle change, weight loss and improve general health,” he said.

Why is the male menopause getting attention?

Experts say a key reason the “male menopause” is a hot topic is money.

Anand-Ivell said: “A lot of the ‘andropause’ literature stems from commercial interests, particularly in the USA, wishing to draw spurious comparisons with the female menopause in order to sell testosterone-related products for which there is no clinical evidence of benefit.”

The latest headlines, meanwhile, have been fuelled by the revelation that male menopause policies are in place at several NHS trusts. Sharpe said: “For myself, I am amazed that any health board would even talk about there being an andropause, let alone suggesting time off.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What is premature ejaculation?

— Finishing too soon during sex can be very distressing, but it is definitely treatable.

By Gigi Engle

Imagine you’re with someone super hot. You’re about to start having sex (whatever that sex act may look like for you). You’re in the moment and are very excited to start touching each other. You get going and it’s pretty freakin’ great. Suddenly, you realize you’re actually TOO excited. Without any real warning, you’re past the point of no return. You ejaculate. Maybe you feel embarrassed. Maybe you feel ashamed. Maybe a bit of both.

Enter: Premature Ejaculation (PE). Premature ejaculation is incredibly common. It is widely considered to be one of the biggest sexual function issues amongst penis owners. One in three penis-owning people experience issues with PE in their lifetime. That’s 30 percent of people with dicks!

When online misinformation about sexual health abounds, it’s difficult to know where to turn for answers. We spoke to urologists and sex therapists to get accurate answers to your burning questions.

Just because PE is common doesn’t mean it’s something that is easy to handle. Dr. Anika Ackerman, a urologist specializing in sexual medicine, says that the lack of control that comes with PE can be incredibly frustrating and distressing for those who suffer from it.

Luckily, PE is highly treatable. “It’s crucial to realize that many [people] experience this challenge, and with the appropriate guidance, it’s manageable,” says Dr. Nazanin Moali, a psychologist, sex therapist, and the host of Sexology podcast.

So, with all this in mind (and possibly peen), let’s break down what premature ejaculation is, why it happens, and some strategies for dealing with it.

What is premature ejaculation?

Premature ejaculation is defined as reaching ejaculation before you want to. Technical definitions usually define “before you want to” as ejaculation within 1-3 minutes of sexual activity or penetration. PE “is a condition where a penis owner does not have voluntary, conscious control or the ability to choose, in most encounters, when to ejaculate,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.

PE can be situational or ongoing. Meaning, it can be something that happens in certain contexts with certain people or during nearly every (or all) sexual encounters, regardless of the context. Ejaculating “too quickly” isn’t defined as PE unless it occurs on a regular basis. “It denotes a pattern that has been present for at least half a year and manifests almost every time, if not every single time, during sexual engagement,” Moali says.

What causes PE?

Most experts believe that if no medical issues are detected, the causes for PE are largely psychological and emotional – though the exact reasons are widely undetermined. It’s important to speak with your medical provider to rule out any medical conditions that may cause PE.

One popular theory is that PE is rooted in a disconnect with your sexual response cycle. Meaning, you aren’t in-tune with the way your body responds sexually, which impacts your control over your body’s ejaculatory function during sex.

Let’s talk about something every single one of us has (probably) heard: That you should think of anything besides sex in order to last longer in bed. This widespread social narrative encourages young men and penis owners to think things like their grandma naked or a body covered in boils.

Spoiler! This is actually the opposite of what you should do if you want to last longer. When we step away from awareness of what our bodies are doing, we lose all control. Meaning, we’re much more likely to orgasm before we’re ready to. How about them apples?

Philips says that performance anxiety may also play a role – when we’re very nervous to be with a new partner, we may become overly excited too quickly, resulting in PE. This anxiety about PE can lead to more anxiety, which can perpetuate the problem.

Ironically, performance anxiety can also lead to difficulties in getting or maintaining erections. Bodies are all kinds of wild and the ways they respond vary greatly.

Understanding the sexual response cycle in relation to PE.

To understand PE, we have to understand exactly how the body responds during sex.

According to pioneering sex researchers, Masters and Johnson, the sexual response cycle takes place in four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.

For our purposes, excitement and arousal are the most important phases to observe. Excitement is sexual arousal, when we begin to get turned on (whether that be from physical stimulation, dirty talk, sexting, porn etc.). Plateau is when we’re feeling super hot and bothered – coasting towards climax – when sexual play gets going and you’re feeling it big time.

In cases of PE, the issue lies in the plateau phase – namely, that is quite short and, in some cases, nonexistent. This means that you jump from being sexually aroused right to orgasm. Hence, finishing more quickly than you might want to.

(We should note that there are many other models that are used to explain the complexity of human sexual response, but Masters and Johnson’s straightforward four-phasic model is very helpful in understanding premature ejaculation).

In this same vein, we should consider how long we’re actually in the plateau phase. It’s quite common that someone might think they have premature ejaculation, but in reality, they aren’t aware of how long they’ve been coasting toward the Big O.

You may think you’re not lasting long enough in bed, when really you last quite a normal amount because you’ve been in the excitement and/or plateau phase for a prolonged period of time, pre-sex. For instance: When a penis-owning person has been thinking about sex all day, this means that the sexual response cycle has been building long before the actual sex even happens. This can lead to people believing that they have PE when, in reality, they aren’t in tune with the ways their bodies respond to sexual stimuli.

If this is all new to you, don’t worry. We have junk sex ed in general, and absolutely nothing in regards to sexual difficulties like erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. The more we know about our bodies, the more confident we can feel in them.

5 expert-approved strategies for dealing with premature ejaculation.

  • Focus on sensation and what is happening in the body.

As we mentioned above, the socially prescribed advice for lasting longer during sex is to “think about anything else.” This is incorrect. Instead, start to practice paying attention to what is happening within the body during sexual arousal, in order to build awareness. “This mindful approach can lead to a more relaxed and prolonged sexual experience,” Moali says. When we’re more aware, we’re in better control.

  • Start Stop Technique

Philips recommends trying the Start Stop Technique as a way to gain more control over your erections. When you’re masturbating, stop once you feel yourself starting to get close to orgasm. “Wait 30 seconds or a minute, and then repeat, masturbating until you feel the point at which ‘coming’ is imminent,” he says. “Time how long it takes for you to get to this point.” Repeat this process 3-4 times. This will help you get a better understanding of the sensations in your body and bring awareness to when you’re going over the edge. This should be an ongoing practice.

  • The Squeeze Technique

Ackerman suggests The Squeeze Technique during solo or partnered activity. “In the squeeze method, the partner or patient will squeeze the penis to delay orgasm,” she says. Do this when you’re starting to feel close to orgasm. While there isn’t a ton of scientific data to support this method, it has been found to be very useful within clinical settings.

  • Take a penis-touching-break during sexual activity.

If you find that you’re getting too turned on and worry you’re going to bust before you’re ready, consider taking a break from penis stimulation, focusing on your partner instead, with oral pleasure, sex with toys, or a sensual massage. “This change of pace can help reduce your arousal, slowing the process and offering a more satisfying, longer-lasting experience for both parties,” Moali says.

  • Seek out professional assistance.

A sex therapist is someone who specializes in sexual wellness and sexual function issues. They can help you process underlying emotions and psychological issues that may be causing and/or perpetuating PE. They can also give you exercises to modify your behaviors around masturbation and sex. “The goal is to relax your nervous system and to be grounded in your body,” Lee says. There is nothing wrong with needing a little extra assistance on your sexual health journey.

All in all, PE is a very common problem that has highly successful outcomes when treated. You’re not alone. You’re not broken. And there is help for you.

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I love my partner but don’t feel like having sex with them.

— Is this normal?

Our desire for sex will change constantly throughout our lives.

It’s more common than you might think

By Georgia Grace

Maintaining sexual interest in long-term relationships can be challenging for many of us, but it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.

Sex at the start of a relationship is memorable. The long sex-filled nights, the impossibility of keeping hands off each other, the impulse and yearning to touch this new person. But as the intimacy of long-term love sets in, the fire can fizzle out.

It is predictably – and statistically – normal to go through periods where you’re not having sex as often as you’d like. Relationships are complex and ever-evolving, and so is our desire for sex.

It’s common for couples to face a situation where they find themselves in a predicament: they deeply love and care for one another but no longer feel the insatiable desire to tear each other’s clothes off. So is it normal that you’re not having sex? Can love and low sexual desire coexist harmoniously? Yes, it is, and yes it can. Here are a few things to keep in mind.

Understanding sexual desire

I frequently refer to the pioneering work of Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are who has changed the way we understand sexual desire. According to Nagoski, sexual desire is a multifaceted and dynamic phenomenon influenced by a wide range of factors, both internal and external. These factors interact in complex ways, making it essential to recognise that changes in sexual desire are a normal part of the human experience.

Nagoski emphasises that sexual desire is not a simple on-off switch but a complex interplay of various components, including sexual arousal, emotional connection, stress levels, relationship dynamics, and personal experiences. So we can’t just sit around and wait for our desire to reappear – we have to start with some self-inquiry.

Learning what turns you on and off

Nagoski introduces the Dual Control Model, which pretty much works to explain sexual desire as having two components: sexual excitation (what turns us on) and sexual inhibition (what turns us off). While sexual excitation can be triggered by factors like arousal and attraction, sexual inhibition is influenced by external stressors, emotional states, and relationship dynamics.

An increase in inhibition can lead to a decrease in sexual desire. To make sense of this, when you first start dating you’re engaging in exciting and thrilling activities like getting ready for a date or sending flirty messages throughout the day. Dating can feel uncertain, exciting and risky – we spend a lot of time thinking about the other person and waiting for the moment we will see or touch them next, which often energises our experiences.

And while there’s so much beauty in long-term relationships, when couples move into more mundane patterns of relating like paying bills together, cleaning the house, and arguing about whose turn it is to cook, it can no longer feel ‘thrilling’ to connect. Understanding your Dual Control Model can help you and your partner understand each other’s unique interplay between sexual excitation and inhibition, and look at ways to manage or remove some of the brakes and bring in more or the accelerators.

Context is everything

This one seems so simple, but it’s really surprising how few couples think to acknowledge it. Many think about desire like a magic trick – you love someone and all of a sudden it should appear – right? If only.

The context in which sexual desire arises is crucial – external factors like stress, fatigue, or relationship conflicts can contribute to the activation of sexual inhibition. So even if you love your partner deeply, you may experience a decrease in sexual desire due to the turn-offs at play.

Not to mention our physical context will come up a lot in session for my clients, a messy room, harsh lighting, or roommates, family members or kids close by can feel like a wet blanket for your desire. With this in mind – I encourage my clients to think about the ideal erotic equation for their sex life – what do they want and need more of in order to bring sex front of mind and make it feel like a priority again? To make sense of all this – we also need to understand different ways of experiencing desire.

Our desire for sex is often responsive

Desire exists on a spectrum, we all experience it differently. On the one end, we have a spontaneous desire – which essentially refers to a spontaneous urge for sex that seemingly comes out of nowhere. We see this a lot in porn, in movies and often experience it at the start of a relationship.

But on the other end of the spectrum is responsive desire, which challenges the notion that sexual desire should always be spontaneous. Responsive desire occurs when someone may not actively seek out sexual encounters but can become keen and excited when presented with the right context and stimuli.

When I teach my clients this it’s like they have a lightbulb moment. They’ve been waiting for desire to smack them in the face and wake them up, without recognising that they may need to actively create the context for themselves and their partner.

Where to from here

More Coverage

This is one of the most common sexual concerns. In sessions focused on desire, we will explore the reasons (there are often many), seek to understand different desire styles, understand different ways to create the context for desire, practice communication skills and ask for what they want.

If changes in sexual desire are causing distress or strain in your relationship, consider seeing a therapist or counsellor who specialises in sexual health or couples therapy.

Our desire for sex will change constantly throughout our lives – it’s human and to be expected. When we can move away from thinking about it as an on-and-off switch and rather understand it as a complex interplay of social, mental, physical, emotional and sexual factors, we can work together to make it a priority again.

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How to Increase Sex Drive

— A Combined Approach

Checking in with your mind and body is key

By Larell Scardelli

Sex drive (libido) is the desire to engage in sexual activity, fantasies, and pleasures. It’s a complex system stimulated by a combination of biological, psychological, social, and environmental factors.1 If you’ve noticed a change in your desire for sex, whether partnered or solo, it’s normal to be confused or concerned.

Before taking steps to increase your libido, check in with yourself to identify what may be causing the dip. Did you get a new job? Alter your diet? Start a new medication? How is the quality of your relationship? Are you stressed?<

This article will help you understand what impacts your libido through a holistic view of your health, relationships, and emotions. Regardless of gender, you will learn how to flow with your individual patterns of desire and learn about integrative remedies, like food and herbs, to work towards a libido that satisfies you.

First Step to Increasing Sex Drive: Identify Changes

A lot can impact libido, so try to stay out of the blame game if your libido is lower than usual or different from a friend’s. Instead, look more holistically at how your life and sex drive are related. Here are some life challenges and changes that may impact your libido.

Terminology

Verywell Health prefers to use inclusive terminology for sex or gender. When citing research or health authorities, the terms for sex or gender from the source are used. In other instances, “male”/”man” refers to a person identified as male at birth, and “female”/”woman” refers to a person identified as female at birth. People may identify with different gender or genders than those assigned at birth.

Age: Hormonal Changes and Lifestyle

Sexual desire ebbs and flows with age, regardless of sex or gender. The same neural and biochemical pathways exist for people of any sex.

People with ovaries go through a lot of hormonal changes during their lifetime, from menstruation to pregnancy to menopause. Sexual desire is closely related to hormones (estrogen and testosterone), so it’s normal to see shifts around these phases.

Many females report an increase in sexual activity in their 30s. Sexual desire is individual, but according to some studies, women have the “highest” libido in their 30s.2

Males may notice their sexual desire peak in their 20s and start to settle in their mid-30s when a natural decline in testosterone becomes more apparent in everyday life.3

Age can also come with other health conditions, new medications, and injuries, all of which can reduce sexual desire in your 40s and beyond. But it’s not all about how old you are. A healthy lifestyle, mindset, and diet at any age can lead to a healthy libido.4

Life Changes

Take note of life changes, big or small. Did you move? Start a job? Lose a job? Adopt a pet? Are you grieving a loss? A breakup? Are you a new parent? Is it a busy season at work? These life changes affect your stress levels and can impact your natural libido.

When stressed, the body goes into fight-or-flight mode, turning off “unnecessary” functions for immediate survival, like appetite and sexual desire.5 Among other functions, stress also reduces focus and energy levels, resulting in foggy and sluggish moods. This is not ideal for sexual arousal.

Medical Diagnoses or Surgery

Recent surgery, injury, chronic illness, or new medical diagnoses can lower your sex drive. The physical and psychological stress of medical issues can affect your body and relationship. Give yourself time to heal and rest.

Pain medications, like opioids, can decrease sexual desire. Other common medications, like hormonal birth control, reduce testosterone levels and can lead to lower libido.6

Mental Health

Clinical depression and anxiety have been linked to a loss of sexual desire. One study shows that 62.5% of mild to moderately depressed males saw increased sexual dysfunction.7 Another study found that women think mental health is more important for their sexual desire than physical health.8

Poor mental health can impact body image and confidence in the bedroom. It can cause sexual dysfunction or pain based on past trauma. Physiologically, depression and anxiety impact hormones, which play a significant role in a healthy sex drive.

Several prescription medications,9 like antidepressants, can reduce your appetite for sex, too, especially if you’re starting them or changing the dosage.10

Quality of Relationship

The frequency of sex does not define your relationship. If you and your partner are happy with the amount of sex you’re having, that’s all that matters. Some couples are even sex-free and enjoy life together just the same.

But if your sex life is a point of tension, look deeper into the relationship. It could be a case of naturally mismatched libidos, or you could discover an opportunity to get closer to your partner by discussing conflict and challenges.

Healthy communication, trust, care, and open dialogue will help you understand how certain areas of the relationship may be causing a loss of sexual closeness and how to repair them.

How to Increase Sex Drive: A Wide Range of Approaches

Once you’ve identified one or more underlying changes causing your libido to plummet, you can explore a range of approaches to increase it. Because sexual appetite has emotional, physical, biological, and social ties, it’s important to consider a holistic approach to treatment. Approaches can include the following:

  • Eliminate or cut back on drugs, alcohol, and smoking.11
  • Get regular physical exams to rule out underlying conditions.
  • Dedicate quality time to your relationship, and consider turning off the TV and other screens to talk or to schedule an activity you enjoy together.
  • Add moderate exercise to your routine.12
  • Make quality sleep a priority.11
  • Explore pleasurable sex with more communication, erogenous zones, foreplay, lubricant, toys, or positions. Focus on the connection over orgasm.
  • Consider sex therapy for yourself or as a couple to understand your sexual goals or work through mental blocks.
  • Journal about your sexual desires, needs, and interests to better understand what you like in the bedroom.
  • Try herbs like Ginkgo biloba, maca root, or ginseng.13 Be sure to discuss with your healthcare provider whether these would interact with any other medications you are taking.
  • Eat supposed libido-boosting foods like chocolate, oysters, garlic, and fenugreek.14
  • Communicate early and often with your partner about your relationship and needs.
  • Ask a healthcare provider about prescription medications that may be affecting your libido and any that may help improve your libido.

No standard exists for a “normal” sex drive.15 Your baseline libido may naturally vary from that of your friends and others you may compare yourself to. A person can be satisfied with a libido that may seem higher or lower than that of others.

Increasing or Enhancing Sex Drive for Females

Females looking to understand or increase their sex drive can also consider the following solutions:11

  • Get to know your menstrual cycle: You may be more turned on during different phases of your cycle, and articulating this can help you and your partner get on the same page.
  • Focus on arousal and connection: Fostering a feeling of closeness during foreplay can flood the body with sexual hormones to cue lubrication and blood flow to erogenous zones.
  • Add lube: Using over-the-counter lubricants and vaginal moisturizers can improve your sexual experience and reduce discomfort.
  • Learn about hormone therapy: If you’re postmenopausal, talk to a healthcare provider about how hormone therapy can help with estrogen levels and changes in vaginal tissue.

Increasing or Enhancing Sex Drive for Males

Males experience stress and hormone fluctuations too. Testosterone, the main driver of sexual function and other male characteristics, such as facial hair, begins to decline around age 30. Here are some solutions to boost libido in men:

  • Reduce alcohol: Alcohol has been shown to lower testosterone levels in males.16
  • Eliminate smoking: Smoking has been directly linked to erectile dysfunction.17
  • Address performance anxiety: Erectile dysfunction can happen at any age and is caused by physical or psychological issues. Talk to your healthcare provider or therapist to address underlying symptoms.
  • Prescription medication: Testosterone replacement therapy or other sexual-enhancing medications may be right for you.18
  • Prioritize your mental health: Mental health plays a big role in libido. You deserve help for stress, anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions. Seek out counseling if you’re struggling with mood swings or unwanted thoughts.

Summary

Life can be challenging, and you’re not going to be in the mood for sex all the time. Factors such as hormonal changes, stress-inducing events, medical conditions, medications, mental health challenges, and relationship quality can affect your libido.

People of all sexes experience highs and lows in their sex drive for a number of reasons. If you wish to improve your sex drive, it is good to look at a variety of ways to do so, and the solution will be different for each person.

Finding and sustaining your unique healthy libido includes taking care of your mental and physical health as well as the quality of your relationship.

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Casual Relationships Need Boundaries Too

By Lexi Inks

Since the dawn of time — or maybe the “Summer Nights” duet from Grease — situationships and flings have been a fun way to maintain no-strings connections. At one point or another you may have found yourself meeting a friend with benefits or in something situationship-adjacent, or you may have talked about it with a friend.

However laid-back or short-term they may be, noncommittal partnerships can teach you a lot about yourself and your dating life. The most important learnings should be about establishing boundaries in a casual relationship. The name might suggest otherwise but being in a situationship doesn’t negate the need for respect or common courtesy. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel cared for and considered, no matter how casual that relationship is.

Establishing boundaries and intentions in a situationship often involves having conversations that may be uncomfortable or difficult to facilitate. To this end, we’ve compiled expert tips and IRL experiences from women who have done just that…and lived through the initial embarrassment to tell the tale.

What boundaries should I set in a casual relationship?

Situationships continue to be a hot topic — the term has 5.9 billion views on TikTok alone — as does the era of the “chill girl.” Even if many of them want commitment or, dare I say, respect from their partner, women in heterosexual relationships especially are prone to relaxing their standards and expectations in order to appease men. That said, you don’t actually have to be super chill in a casual relationship. Asking for basic decency and consideration is perfectly valid in any interaction. This can look as simple as a mutual requirement for regular STI testing or as nuanced as agreeing to honesty if more serious feelings develop.

Creating these agreements should happen “early and often,” according to Damona Hoffman, a certified relationship coach and host of the Dates and Mates podcast. “I see so many singles who are afraid to voice their true intentions because of fear or rejection or scaring away someone great,” she shares. “The negative outcome there is that you have a different expectation of where the relationship is headed and by delaying the conversation, you’re simply deferring disappointment.” The first step is making sure each party’s intentions are clear and aligned.

In terms of specific boundaries, you and your S.O. can (and should) match up on behaviours that meet your respective comfort levels and keep you both safe. Elizabeth, 28, began a fling earlier this year. She and her situationship partner established a critical safety boundary right away. Once they had shared their recent STI status, they gained a sense of trust and decided to engage in unprotected sex. While they also agreed on the freedom to sleep with other people, they chose to start using protection once the other person shared that they’d had sex with someone else.

Sarah, 31, found herself in an FWB situation with a friend. They shared a social circle so one of their agreements was that they wouldn’t spill anything about their trysts to their mutual friends. Another was that once either of them met someone they wanted to pursue intentionally, they would end their physical connection. This worked out well when each of them met their now spouse within a month of the other. Because of their discretion, there was no resulting drama or conflict within the friend group.

Whether it’s sexual exclusivity, no PDA or omitting details about other dates or hookups, Hoffman recommends that you “pay attention to boundary-crossing early on. It could be as simple as being chronically late or something as complex as making you physically uncomfortable, embarrassing you publicly or disregarding your feelings, but it all begins with setting a baseline for what you want out of the relationship and how you would like to be treated.” If you notice that your casual S.O. isn’t living up to your shared expectations, it may be time to reevaluate and communicate.

How do I set boundaries in a casual relationship?

Before you and your low-key lover set anything in stone, it’s important to understand how to establish boundaries. Although social media might have you believe that boundaries are synonymous with rules you enforce with a partner, they actually have a lot more to do with your choices.&

“Oftentimes, boundaries are introduced as a response to a situation, offense or repetitive occurrence. However, this places boundaries in the bucket of ‘coping mechanisms’ versus their proper placement within the bucket of ‘protective mechanisms,’” says Dr. LaNail R. Plummer, a licensed professional counsellor and CEO of Onyx Therapy Group. “The difference between coping and protective mechanisms is that coping mechanisms are used after something has occurred and protective mechanisms are used before something occurs.”

Rather than confront your significant other once they do something that breaks your agreements or breaches your trust, it’s important to set expectations before that can ever happen. Plummer likens this to a car alarm: When you lock your car, you protect yourself and your belongings before harm can get to them. When you forget to lock the car, the alarm that goes off is more of an aftereffect. This might translate into you cutting off the relationship if your partner lies to you about sleeping with someone else, or starts seeing someone monogamously and keeps you in the dark.

Voicing what you will do in response to boundary-crossing behaviours can prevent them from popping up in the future and make you and your casual counterpart feel more secure and safe in the process.

What should I do if a boundary is crossed?

Despite our best efforts, sometimes people screw up. In the case of casual relationships, the potential for grey areas and ambiguous expectations is high and could lead to unfavourable behaviours. While you don’t necessarily need to put up with them, Plummer notes that forgiving a crossed boundary or broken agreement shouldn’t always lead to guilt and shame.

“One should give themselves grace. While boundaries are standard and firm, we must recognise that sometimes we allow a boundary to be crossed and then become guilt-ridden and have negative self-talk,” she says. “Yes, sometimes you will forget to ‘lock your car door’ and when it happens, accept it and remember that boundary next time.” Unless the broken agreement is something that can truly harm you and your S.O., it’s valid to work through an honest mistake or slip-up if you feel like that’s the best decision. Just as the relationship is yours to facilitate, the choices you make within it don’t need to be justified to anyone outside of it.

Communication is mandatory for any healthy relationship, casual or committed, so have honest conversations about trust and any actions that might breach it. Although it’s perfectly reasonable to feel hurt if your partner breaks an agreement you had, approaching it with aggression or anger isn’t usually the best solution. “Enforcing boundaries is often easier than we make it,” Hoffman explains. “Simply name it and reframe it: Tell the person the action they took that crossed a boundary for you and instruct them how they can better show up for you in the future. It doesn’t need to be a shame fest, it doesn’t need to be a lecture, but you do need to voice how you feel and give your partner some guidance on how to honour your boundary in the future.”

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How To Deal With ‘Vanilla Shaming’

—Because No One Should Be Made To Feel Bad About Enjoying Non-Kinky Sex

By Sara Youngblood Gregory

Cultural narratives around sex and sexual preferences have long been weaponized to make people feel embarrassed or ashamed of what they like. Indeed, the history of sex-negativity in this country is so rich—propped up by egregiously lacking sex education—that even the increasing normalization of kink in recent years (which is, in itself, a great thing) seems to have a cost. As it becomes more socially acceptable to enjoy fetishes, fantasies, and classically “deviant” sex acts associated with BDSM (like choking, bondage, and other forms of power play), it’s vanilla sex that is now being subjected to societal shaming.

Where kink has become the “new normal” within the popular discourse, vanilla sex has become the new target for derision, with the unfortunate trend of “vanilla shaming” leaving those who enjoy non-kinky sex unnecessarily ostracized. “Vanilla shaming is when there is judgment toward people who have more traditional sex lives,” says certified sexologist Megwyn White, director of education at sex toy retailer Satisfyer. “Some people believe conventional sex is boring, [which they consider a synonym for] vanilla, and this judgment can manifest in various ways, such as mockery [and] exclusion.”

Spend any time on the sex side of social media, and you’ll see the kind of eye-rolling White is talking about. A corner of TikTok called FreakTok is now rife with videos of people denouncing vanilla sex and mocking people, often women, for not being into choking, cutting, slapping, and other rougher kinds of kink, in particular. Even influencer Emma Chamberlain has stated that she feels “embarrassed” about her more conventional sexual preferences.

As vanilla sex gets the “undesirable” label, people may feel undue pressure to abandon their preferences and embrace kink, whether to appear less prudish or appease a partner (both of which are problematic).

What does vanilla shaming look like in practice?

Vanilla shaming isn’t so much a new phenomenon as it is a new brand of the same judgment long applied to sexual preferences, particularly of folks who identify as women. In our misogynistic society, a woman who seems to have “too much” sex—or, by proxy, enjoys sex or kink too much—has long been labeled a slut, whereas a woman who doesn’t have “enough” sex (or doesn’t get adventurous enough in bed) has long been called a prude.

Vanilla shaming, then, falls on the latter end of that spectrum and is akin to prude shaming, says AASECT-certified sexuality educator Jules Purnell, MEd. “If someone doesn’t engage in kink or BDSM play, they’re considered boring or uncool and aren’t exciting enough in bed.”

“If someone doesn’t engage in kink or BDSM play, they’re considered boring or uncool [by those engaging in vanilla shaming].” —Jules Purnell, MEd, AASECT-certified sexuality educator

Exactly what is considered vanilla in this frame is subjective; after all, one person’s spicy is another person’s “normal.” But generally, vanilla shaming can be any form of putting down someone for liking anything that falls within the traditional realm of heteronormative p-in-v intercourse.

The best way to identify vanilla shaming is to notice your emotional and physical reactions to other people’s actions and comments in regard to sex. Have you ever felt embarrassed when a partner says you’re not adventurous enough? Has your stomach ever dropped when your sexual desire, pleasure, or boundaries have been written off as boring? These feelings are all cues that you may be experiencing vanilla shaming.

What do people engage in vanilla shaming?

Shaming someone for any kind of sexual preference—whether their tendency toward overtly vanilla or kinky sex, or anything in between—is a tactic to make them feel less worthy of pleasure, respect, and care because of their desires. In this way, “sexual shaming can be used to erode a person’s sense of agency,” says White, in order to control or abuse them. After all, an ashamed, powerless person “is much easier to manipulate,” says Purnell.

“Sexual shaming can be used to erode a person’s sense of agency.” —Megwyn White, certified sexologist

For example, someone who is vanilla shamed by a partner (and made to feel as if their desires are unworthy) may be more easily coerced or pressured to try something that they don’t want to do, or that feels uncomfortable, scary, or even dangerous to them. A common scenario? A person urges their girlfriend to try a threesome, and when she declines, he criticizes her for being too bland. That puts her in the lose-lose position of either internalizing the criticism or giving into something she doesn’t want to do—which certainly aren’t fair circumstances under which to offer consent, anyway.

Though this kind of vanilla shaming comes from the same sex-negative root as kink shaming—with both emerging as ways to put down people with particular sex preferences—the two extremes differ in key historical context.

It’s important to remember that people who engaged in kink and types of “cross-dressing” associated with LGBTQ+ gender identities were considered mentally ill (as defined by diagnostic codes for BDSM, fetishism, and transvestic fetishism in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) until 2013. And even to this day, kinky people still run the risk of employment discrimination and job loss, and losing custody of their children. The same level of governmental discrimination has not been applied as a means to shame people who enjoy vanilla sex, thus still assigning these folks a level of privilege by comparison.

What are the negative effects of vanilla shaming?

Feeling ashamed of your sexual preferences can keep you from being able to connect with and act on your desires, says Purnell. “Once we’ve been shamed for long enough, we take on that shaming as a personal project and police our own desire, too.”

That means you could start denying your desires, identity, or sexual orientation in the face of shaming, says White. “This suppression of self can not only hinder personal growth and self-acceptance, but it can also have a negative impact on your sexual well-being,” she adds. Indeed, disconnection from your sexual self “can contribute to sexual dysfunction, such as erectile dysfunction, difficulty experiencing orgasm, or lack of sexual desire,” she says.

More broadly, feeling ashamed of your sexual desires could also cause you to neglect your sexual health, perhaps leading you to bypass the use of STI tests or birth control, or to refrain from seeking out information or education on sex, adds White.

On an emotional level, vanilla shaming can also create barriers to intimacy. “Intimacy is, at its core, about embracing vulnerability and creating trust between partners,” says White. “Sexual shame erodes both the ability to be vulnerable with your partner and the trust necessary for a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.”

How to deal with vanilla shaming in a relationship and feel confident in your sexual self

Have a conversation about sexual shaming

If a sexual partner in your life is engaging in vanilla shaming (or any kind of sexual shaming), ask them to have a conversation. Let them know you’ve noticed their recent put-downs about your sexual preferences and share with them how these comments or actions are negatively affecting you and your ability to feel comfortable and intimate with them.

If their response indicates that they’re willing to be more mindful of their actions and to avoid vanilla shaming in the future, be clear about the kinds of behaviors and comments you’d like them to change, and what would allow you to feel completely shame-free during sex.

Set boundaries around sex talk

Boundaries are personal guidelines for behavior and are communicated to let others know how you will act in certain situations. “A boundary that may be important in this scenario would include not participating in conversations that engage in shaming the sexual experience, desires, or expression of others,” says therapist Jessica Good, LPC, owner of Good EMDR Therapy.

Abiding by this boundary would look like this: If you’re hanging out with friends or family members, and someone starts to make comments putting down or shaming the sexual preferences of another person, you would say, “I’m not comfortable with the way you’re talking about this person. If it keeps up, I’ll need to leave,” suggests Good. This way, you’re more likely to keep your interactions with sexual shaming to a minimum.

Re-evaluate the relationship

If sexual shaming is a continued issue with a romantic or sexual partner, it may be time to reconsider the relationship altogether. “If you are able to share your feelings, and your partner responds in a positive way, showing that they’re listening to your perspective and [are willing to] change their behavior, that is a positive sign for the relationship,” says Good. “However, if they seem disinterested in your experience or dismiss your feelings and concerns, it would be wise to exit that relationship.” There’s no amount of sexual shame that’s worth enduring as a cost to remaining in a relationship.

Embrace personal sex-ploration

Sometimes, sexual shame can be so pervasive, you begin to apply it to yourself and perceive your own preferences or desires as the problematic thing that needs to change. Allow this to be a reminder that whatever preferences you may have—so long as they don’t harm anyone else—are valid and acceptable. And learning to celebrate your desires is a part of resisting sexual shame and reclaiming your right to sexual pleasure in the process.

A good place to start? Learning more about sex, pleasure, and anatomy. Consider reading up on pleasure, attending online sex-positivity workshops, exploring your sex personality type, or embracing the benefits of masturbation as a way to reconnect with your sexual self.

Seek professional support

If vanilla shaming is getting in the way of your ability to engage in sexual or intimate activities, or you can’t shake the belief that your vanilla preferences make you less-than or not “good” enough for a partner (or prospective partner), Good suggests seeking support from a sex therapist or mental-health practitioner. A professional can help you disengage from harmful beliefs internalized from others or from societal narratives, and reconnect with your worth, as both a person and a sexual being.

At the end of the day, it’s essential to remember that there’s nothing broken about enjoying vanilla sex; it’s one flavor among many.

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What Is Edging?

— Sexual Health Experts Explain What It Is and How to Do It

Get ready to unlock a new level of pleasure.

By Kayla Blanton

When you’re really in the mood, reaching the big O can feel a little short-lived, or even underwhelming. And although people with vulvas are more capable of experiencing multiple orgasms in a small window of time than those with penises, both parties can spice things up and prolong the fun by practicing edging—a sexual technique that is essentially the biggest tease of your life. Keep reading to find the answers to: “What is edging?” and “How do you edge properly?”<

Meet the Experts: Sophia Murphy, L.P.C., a licensed therapist, certified sex coach, and director of wellness at TBD Health; Carolyn Delucia, M.D., OB-GYN, F.A.C.O.G., and luminary in the field of women’s sexual health, and Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, sexual wellness expert and head of communications at MysteryVibe.

What is edging?

To use The Price Is Right logic, edging is getting as close as possible—to climaxing, that is—without going over. “Edging is the ability to delay orgasm by choice,” explains Sophia Murphy, L.P.C., a licensed therapist, certified sex coach, and director of wellness at TBD Health. “Scientifically, this can be defined as an extension of the plateau phase, which is part of the human sexual response cycle as identified by [William] Masters and [Virginia] Johnson in 1966.”

The plateau phase is characterized by increased arousal—it follows the excitement phase (a.k.a. foreplay) and precedes orgasm, Murphy explains. In other words, edging is “when someone is able to extend their period of arousal to the point of being on the edge of orgasm.”

Why edge, you might ask? It’s essentially to build anticipation, and ideally, pleasure. After edging a few times, the idea is to “completely surrender to an orgasm of higher intensity than previously imagined,” explains Carolyn Delucia, M.D., OB-GYN, F.A.C.O.G., and luminary in the field of women’s sexual health.

Edging benefits

You may be confused about how suspense in the bedroom would be helpful—but there are quite a few perks:

Prolonged pleasure

While more research is needed to solidify any medical benefits of edging, the upside is, well, it makes for a good time. “[Edging] is a popular sexual technique in an attempt to heighten intensity and fun,” says Dr. Delucia.

Possible intensified orgasm

“Some individuals find that edging leads to a more intense and powerful orgasm from prolonged anticipation and arousal build-up,” says Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, sexual wellness expert and head of communications at MysteryVibe. However, there is little research to back this up.

Increased body awareness and understanding

“Edging can be a great way for people to gain an intimate understanding of their arousal patterns and sexual responsiveness, which translates to better command of their bodies,” explains Narkiewicz. Murphy adds that when you take your time and remove the pressure to orgasm, you can give yourself permission to fully experience your body. “You can learn more about how it changes, how it moves through the sexual response cycle, what works best, and you might even surprise yourself,” she says.

Potentially strengthened pelvic floor muscles

“Some edging techniques involve pelvic floor exercises similar to Kegels,” or an intentional contraction of the pelvic floor, explains Narkiewicz. Research shows that pelvic floor muscle strength is positively correlated with sexual function, especially with age.

Premature ejaculation help

Dr. Delucia says edging—via the start-stop method or squeezing the tip of the penis (more on that later)—is “very effective” in helping men and penis owners who experience premature ejaculation (PE) grow more aware of their arousal patterns and therefore, gain more ejaculatory control. Research has documented this as a form of potential treatment for PE.

Enhanced couple communication

If you practice edging with a partner, the session will require in-depth communication to let them know how stimulation is progressing, which makes it a great exercise in connection. “Unless you’ve set specific parameters for a partner to be in charge of your orgasm, be sure to speak up while edging to ensure your needs and boundaries are being met,” Murphy adds.

Edging side effects

Some research suggests that edging in people with penises may cause epididymal hypertension (EH), commonly known as “blue balls”—a phenomenon in which restricted orgasm causes pain. “This is not a scientific medical condition, and while it may be uncomfortable for penis and testicle owners, will not cause permanent damage,” says Murphy. “Semen will go back into the body if not ejaculated.”

Dr. Delucia adds that EH is “rare” but “very uncomfortable.” If you experience it, her tip is to try and reverse it by holding your nose, closing your mouth, and exhaling forcefully (like you would to pop your ears), also known as Valsalva. That technique is under-researched, though.

How do you edge properly?

How you practice edging will depend on your anatomy and how you prefer to achieve orgasm. However, there is one tip that’s universal, which is the need for transparent communication when edging with a partner.

“If one partner is not into this type of sex play then do not entertain it,” Dr. Delucia says. “Communication of where your partner is in the arousal phases is [also] important to understand.” After all, if you don’t know where they are in the sexual response cycle, things may not go as planned.

Now, for a few anatomy-specific tips.

Edging tips for people with vulvas:

  • Experiment with arousal and foreplay: This stage may change depending on if you’re solo or with a partner, but Murphy recommends engaging multiple senses to heat things up—be that watching something spicy, listening to erotica, or touching other parts of your body first to get the energy going. “The whole body, the nape of the neck, the nipples, may be erogenous,” adds Dr. Delucia.
  • Find your stimulation of choice: “Explore what touch is most arousing and how your body responds from start to finish,” explains Murphy. Some people prefer clitoral stimulation over vaginal penetration and vise-versa, then there are varying pressures to consider. “The most important thing is learning what works for you,” she adds. Dr. Delucia says using a sex toy with different intensities like a wand vibrator “to better explore the areas in the vagina that have extra sensation” may help.
  • Embrace fantasy: There’s nothing wrong with tapping into your imagination. “If you are alone, when you are on the precipice, snap out of the fantasy and allow the heart rate to return to normal and then begin again,” Dr. Delucia recommends.

Edging tips for people with penises:

  • Fantasize: Dr. Delucia’s fantasy advice applies here too—tease yourself (and/or your partner) with a story you can’t resist. Then try to resist it.
  • Change positions: “If practicing edging during sexual intercourse, try changing positions when you feel close,” suggests Narkiewicz. “This adjustment will provide a few seconds of a natural pause in stimulation and cadence to regain composure.”
  • Change your touch pattern: “One of the best ways to edge a penis is to squeeze the tip,” says Dr. Delucia. Or, go for an area that’s highly sensitive—“for most men this is the area just below the glans,” Delucia adds, and when you’re almost there, stop. “This should be fun and allow you to learn more about your own arousal patterns to eventually give you more control of your tipping point,” Dr. Delucia says.

How do you know when to stop edging?

“Once you’ve strengthened your relationship with yourself, you’ll be more aware of your boundaries,” says Murphy. “If you feel uncomfortable, unsafe during partnered sex, or find negative emotions like distress, panic, or dread coming up, trust yourself to take a break. If it becomes difficult to reach orgasm when you desire, it may also be helpful to take a break from edging.”

Put simply, Dr. Delucia says you decide when you’re through: “Stop when you or your partner have had enough.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!