Since the dawn of time — or maybe the “Summer Nights” duet from Grease — situationships and flings have been a fun way to maintain no-strings connections. At one point or another you may have found yourself meeting a friend with benefits or in something situationship-adjacent, or you may have talked about it with a friend.
However laid-back or short-term they may be, noncommittal partnerships can teach you a lot about yourself and your dating life. The most important learnings should be about establishing boundaries in a casual relationship. The name might suggest otherwise but being in a situationship doesn’t negate the need for respect or common courtesy. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where they feel cared for and considered, no matter how casual that relationship is.
Establishing boundaries and intentions in a situationship often involves having conversations that may be uncomfortable or difficult to facilitate. To this end, we’ve compiled expert tips and IRL experiences from women who have done just that…and lived through the initial embarrassment to tell the tale.
What boundaries should I set in a casual relationship?
Situationships continue to be a hot topic — the term has 5.9 billion views on TikTok alone — as does the era of the “chill girl.” Even if many of them want commitment or, dare I say, respect from their partner, women in heterosexual relationships especially are prone to relaxing their standards and expectations in order to appease men. That said, you don’t actually have to be super chill in a casual relationship. Asking for basic decency and consideration is perfectly valid in any interaction. This can look as simple as a mutual requirement for regular STI testing or as nuanced as agreeing to honesty if more serious feelings develop.
Creating these agreements should happen “early and often,” according to Damona Hoffman, a certified relationship coach and host of the Dates and Mates podcast. “I see so many singles who are afraid to voice their true intentions because of fear or rejection or scaring away someone great,” she shares. “The negative outcome there is that you have a different expectation of where the relationship is headed and by delaying the conversation, you’re simply deferring disappointment.” The first step is making sure each party’s intentions are clear and aligned.
In terms of specific boundaries, you and your S.O. can (and should) match up on behaviours that meet your respective comfort levels and keep you both safe. Elizabeth, 28, began a fling earlier this year. She and her situationship partner established a critical safety boundary right away. Once they had shared their recent STI status, they gained a sense of trust and decided to engage in unprotected sex. While they also agreed on the freedom to sleep with other people, they chose to start using protection once the other person shared that they’d had sex with someone else.
Sarah, 31, found herself in an FWB situation with a friend. They shared a social circle so one of their agreements was that they wouldn’t spill anything about their trysts to their mutual friends. Another was that once either of them met someone they wanted to pursue intentionally, they would end their physical connection. This worked out well when each of them met their now spouse within a month of the other. Because of their discretion, there was no resulting drama or conflict within the friend group.
Whether it’s sexual exclusivity, no PDA or omitting details about other dates or hookups, Hoffman recommends that you “pay attention to boundary-crossing early on. It could be as simple as being chronically late or something as complex as making you physically uncomfortable, embarrassing you publicly or disregarding your feelings, but it all begins with setting a baseline for what you want out of the relationship and how you would like to be treated.” If you notice that your casual S.O. isn’t living up to your shared expectations, it may be time to reevaluate and communicate.
How do I set boundaries in a casual relationship?
Before you and your low-key lover set anything in stone, it’s important to understand how to establish boundaries. Although social media might have you believe that boundaries are synonymous with rules you enforce with a partner, they actually have a lot more to do with your choices.&
“Oftentimes, boundaries are introduced as a response to a situation, offense or repetitive occurrence. However, this places boundaries in the bucket of ‘coping mechanisms’ versus their proper placement within the bucket of ‘protective mechanisms,’” says Dr. LaNail R. Plummer, a licensed professional counsellor and CEO of Onyx Therapy Group. “The difference between coping and protective mechanisms is that coping mechanisms are used after something has occurred and protective mechanisms are used before something occurs.”
Rather than confront your significant other once they do something that breaks your agreements or breaches your trust, it’s important to set expectations before that can ever happen. Plummer likens this to a car alarm: When you lock your car, you protect yourself and your belongings before harm can get to them. When you forget to lock the car, the alarm that goes off is more of an aftereffect. This might translate into you cutting off the relationship if your partner lies to you about sleeping with someone else, or starts seeing someone monogamously and keeps you in the dark.
Voicing what you will do in response to boundary-crossing behaviours can prevent them from popping up in the future and make you and your casual counterpart feel more secure and safe in the process.
What should I do if a boundary is crossed?
Despite our best efforts, sometimes people screw up. In the case of casual relationships, the potential for grey areas and ambiguous expectations is high and could lead to unfavourable behaviours. While you don’t necessarily need to put up with them, Plummer notes that forgiving a crossed boundary or broken agreement shouldn’t always lead to guilt and shame.
“One should give themselves grace. While boundaries are standard and firm, we must recognise that sometimes we allow a boundary to be crossed and then become guilt-ridden and have negative self-talk,” she says. “Yes, sometimes you will forget to ‘lock your car door’ and when it happens, accept it and remember that boundary next time.” Unless the broken agreement is something that can truly harm you and your S.O., it’s valid to work through an honest mistake or slip-up if you feel like that’s the best decision. Just as the relationship is yours to facilitate, the choices you make within it don’t need to be justified to anyone outside of it.
Communication is mandatory for any healthy relationship, casual or committed, so have honest conversations about trust and any actions that might breach it. Although it’s perfectly reasonable to feel hurt if your partner breaks an agreement you had, approaching it with aggression or anger isn’t usually the best solution. “Enforcing boundaries is often easier than we make it,” Hoffman explains. “Simply name it and reframe it: Tell the person the action they took that crossed a boundary for you and instruct them how they can better show up for you in the future. It doesn’t need to be a shame fest, it doesn’t need to be a lecture, but you do need to voice how you feel and give your partner some guidance on how to honour your boundary in the future.”
Cultural narratives around sex and sexual preferences have long been weaponized to make people feel embarrassed or ashamed of what they like. Indeed, the history of sex-negativity in this country is so rich—propped up by egregiously lacking sex education—that even the increasing normalization of kink in recent years (which is, in itself, a great thing) seems to have a cost. As it becomes more socially acceptable to enjoy fetishes, fantasies, and classically “deviant” sex acts associated with BDSM (like choking, bondage, and other forms of power play), it’s vanilla sex that is now being subjected to societal shaming.
Where kink has become the “new normal” within the popular discourse, vanilla sex has become the new target for derision, with the unfortunate trend of “vanilla shaming” leaving those who enjoy non-kinky sex unnecessarily ostracized. “Vanilla shaming is when there is judgment toward people who have more traditional sex lives,” says certified sexologist Megwyn White, director of education at sex toy retailer Satisfyer. “Some people believe conventional sex is boring, [which they consider a synonym for] vanilla, and this judgment can manifest in various ways, such as mockery [and] exclusion.”
Spend any time on the sex side of social media, and you’ll see the kind of eye-rolling White is talking about. A corner of TikTok called FreakTok is now rife with videos of people denouncing vanilla sex and mocking people, often women, for not being into choking, cutting, slapping, and other rougher kinds of kink, in particular. Even influencer Emma Chamberlain has stated that she feels “embarrassed” about her more conventional sexual preferences.
As vanilla sex gets the “undesirable” label, people may feel undue pressure to abandon their preferences and embrace kink, whether to appear less prudish or appease a partner (both of which are problematic).
What does vanilla shaming look like in practice?
Vanilla shaming isn’t so much a new phenomenon as it is a new brand of the same judgment long applied to sexual preferences, particularly of folks who identify as women. In our misogynistic society, a woman who seems to have “too much” sex—or, by proxy, enjoys sex or kink too much—has long been labeled a slut, whereas a woman who doesn’t have “enough” sex (or doesn’t get adventurous enough in bed) has long been called a prude.
Vanilla shaming, then, falls on the latter end of that spectrum and is akin to prude shaming, says AASECT-certified sexuality educator Jules Purnell, MEd. “If someone doesn’t engage in kink or BDSM play, they’re considered boring or uncool and aren’t exciting enough in bed.”
“If someone doesn’t engage in kink or BDSM play, they’re considered boring or uncool [by those engaging in vanilla shaming].” —Jules Purnell, MEd, AASECT-certified sexuality educator
Exactly what is considered vanilla in this frame is subjective; after all, one person’s spicy is another person’s “normal.” But generally, vanilla shaming can be any form of putting down someone for liking anything that falls within the traditional realm of heteronormative p-in-v intercourse.
The best way to identify vanilla shaming is to notice your emotional and physical reactions to other people’s actions and comments in regard to sex. Have you ever felt embarrassed when a partner says you’re not adventurous enough? Has your stomach ever dropped when your sexual desire, pleasure, or boundaries have been written off as boring? These feelings are all cues that you may be experiencing vanilla shaming.
What do people engage in vanilla shaming?
Shaming someone for any kind of sexual preference—whether their tendency toward overtly vanilla or kinky sex, or anything in between—is a tactic to make them feel less worthy of pleasure, respect, and care because of their desires. In this way, “sexual shaming can be used to erode a person’s sense of agency,” says White, in order to control or abuse them. After all, an ashamed, powerless person “is much easier to manipulate,” says Purnell.
“Sexual shaming can be used to erode a person’s sense of agency.” —Megwyn White, certified sexologist
For example, someone who is vanilla shamed by a partner (and made to feel as if their desires are unworthy) may be more easily coerced or pressured to try something that they don’t want to do, or that feels uncomfortable, scary, or even dangerous to them. A common scenario? A person urges their girlfriend to try a threesome, and when she declines, he criticizes her for being too bland. That puts her in the lose-lose position of either internalizing the criticism or giving into something she doesn’t want to do—which certainly aren’t fair circumstances under which to offer consent, anyway.
Though this kind of vanilla shaming comes from the same sex-negative root as kink shaming—with both emerging as ways to put down people with particular sex preferences—the two extremes differ in key historical context.
It’s important to remember that people who engaged in kink and types of “cross-dressing” associated with LGBTQ+ gender identities were considered mentally ill (as defined by diagnostic codes for BDSM, fetishism, and transvestic fetishism in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) until 2013. And even to this day, kinky people still run the risk of employment discrimination and job loss, and losing custody of their children. The same level of governmental discrimination has not been applied as a means to shame people who enjoy vanilla sex, thus still assigning these folks a level of privilege by comparison.
What are the negative effects of vanilla shaming?
Feeling ashamed of your sexual preferences can keep you from being able to connect with and act on your desires, says Purnell. “Once we’ve been shamed for long enough, we take on that shaming as a personal project and police our own desire, too.”
That means you could start denying your desires, identity, or sexual orientation in the face of shaming, says White. “This suppression of self can not only hinder personal growth and self-acceptance, but it can also have a negative impact on your sexual well-being,” she adds. Indeed, disconnection from your sexual self “can contribute to sexual dysfunction, such as erectile dysfunction, difficulty experiencing orgasm, or lack of sexual desire,” she says.
More broadly, feeling ashamed of your sexual desires could also cause you to neglect your sexual health, perhaps leading you to bypass the use of STI tests or birth control, or to refrain from seeking out information or education on sex, adds White.
On an emotional level, vanilla shaming can also create barriers to intimacy. “Intimacy is, at its core, about embracing vulnerability and creating trust between partners,” says White. “Sexual shame erodes both the ability to be vulnerable with your partner and the trust necessary for a healthy and fulfilling sexual relationship.”
How to deal with vanilla shaming in a relationship and feel confident in your sexual self
Have a conversation about sexual shaming
If a sexual partner in your life is engaging in vanilla shaming (or any kind of sexual shaming), ask them to have a conversation. Let them know you’ve noticed their recent put-downs about your sexual preferences and share with them how these comments or actions are negatively affecting you and your ability to feel comfortable and intimate with them.
If their response indicates that they’re willing to be more mindful of their actions and to avoid vanilla shaming in the future, be clear about the kinds of behaviors and comments you’d like them to change, and what would allow you to feel completely shame-free during sex.
Set boundaries around sex talk
Boundaries are personal guidelines for behavior and are communicated to let others know how you will act in certain situations. “A boundary that may be important in this scenario would include not participating in conversations that engage in shaming the sexual experience, desires, or expression of others,” says therapist Jessica Good, LPC, owner of Good EMDR Therapy.
Abiding by this boundary would look like this: If you’re hanging out with friends or family members, and someone starts to make comments putting down or shaming the sexual preferences of another person, you would say, “I’m not comfortable with the way you’re talking about this person. If it keeps up, I’ll need to leave,” suggests Good. This way, you’re more likely to keep your interactions with sexual shaming to a minimum.
Re-evaluate the relationship
If sexual shaming is a continued issue with a romantic or sexual partner, it may be time to reconsider the relationship altogether. “If you are able to share your feelings, and your partner responds in a positive way, showing that they’re listening to your perspective and [are willing to] change their behavior, that is a positive sign for the relationship,” says Good. “However, if they seem disinterested in your experience or dismiss your feelings and concerns, it would be wise to exit that relationship.” There’s no amount of sexual shame that’s worth enduring as a cost to remaining in a relationship.
Embrace personal sex-ploration
Sometimes, sexual shame can be so pervasive, you begin to apply it to yourself and perceive your own preferences or desires as the problematic thing that needs to change. Allow this to be a reminder that whatever preferences you may have—so long as they don’t harm anyone else—are valid and acceptable. And learning to celebrate your desires is a part of resisting sexual shame and reclaiming your right to sexual pleasure in the process.
If vanilla shaming is getting in the way of your ability to engage in sexual or intimate activities, or you can’t shake the belief that your vanilla preferences make you less-than or not “good” enough for a partner (or prospective partner), Good suggests seeking support from a sex therapist or mental-health practitioner. A professional can help you disengage from harmful beliefs internalized from others or from societal narratives, and reconnect with your worth, as both a person and a sexual being.
At the end of the day, it’s essential to remember that there’s nothing broken about enjoying vanilla sex; it’s one flavor among many.
When you’re really in the mood, reaching the big O can feel a little short-lived, or even underwhelming. And although people with vulvas are more capable of experiencing multiple orgasms in a small window of time than those with penises, both parties can spice things up and prolong the fun by practicing edging—a sexual technique that is essentially the biggest tease of your life. Keep reading to find the answers to: “What is edging?” and “How do you edge properly?”<
To use The Price Is Right logic, edging is getting as close as possible—to climaxing, that is—without going over. “Edging is the ability to delay orgasm by choice,” explains Sophia Murphy, L.P.C., a licensed therapist, certified sex coach, and director of wellness at TBD Health. “Scientifically, this can be defined as an extension of the plateau phase, which is part of the human sexual response cycle as identified by [William] Masters and [Virginia] Johnson in 1966.”
The plateau phase is characterized by increased arousal—it follows the excitement phase (a.k.a. foreplay) and precedes orgasm, Murphy explains. In other words, edging is “when someone is able to extend their period of arousal to the point of being on the edge of orgasm.”
Why edge, you might ask? It’s essentially to build anticipation, and ideally, pleasure. After edging a few times, the idea is to “completely surrender to an orgasm of higher intensity than previously imagined,” explains Carolyn Delucia, M.D., OB-GYN, F.A.C.O.G., and luminary in the field of women’s sexual health.
Edging benefits
You may be confused about how suspense in the bedroom would be helpful—but there are quite a few perks:
Prolonged pleasure
While more research is needed to solidify any medical benefits of edging, the upside is, well, it makes for a good time. “[Edging] is a popular sexual technique in an attempt to heighten intensity and fun,” says Dr. Delucia.
Possible intensified orgasm
“Some individuals find that edging leads to a more intense and powerful orgasm from prolonged anticipation and arousal build-up,” says Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, sexual wellness expert and head of communications at MysteryVibe. However, there is little research to back this up.
Increased body awareness and understanding
“Edging can be a great way for people to gain an intimate understanding of their arousal patterns and sexual responsiveness, which translates to better command of their bodies,” explains Narkiewicz. Murphy adds that when you take your time and remove the pressure to orgasm, you can give yourself permission to fully experience your body. “You can learn more about how it changes, how it moves through the sexual response cycle, what works best, and you might even surprise yourself,” she says.
Potentially strengthened pelvic floor muscles
“Some edging techniques involve pelvic floor exercises similar to Kegels,” or an intentional contraction of the pelvic floor, explains Narkiewicz. Research shows that pelvic floor muscle strength is positively correlated with sexual function, especially with age.
Premature ejaculation help
Dr. Delucia says edging—via the start-stop method or squeezing the tip of the penis (more on that later)—is “very effective” in helping men and penis owners who experience premature ejaculation (PE) grow more aware of their arousal patterns and therefore, gain more ejaculatory control. Research has documented this as a form of potential treatment for PE.
Enhanced couple communication
If you practice edging with a partner, the session will require in-depth communication to let them know how stimulation is progressing, which makes it a great exercise in connection. “Unless you’ve set specific parameters for a partner to be in charge of your orgasm, be sure to speak up while edging to ensure your needs and boundaries are being met,” Murphy adds.
Edging side effects
Some research suggests that edging in people with penises may cause epididymal hypertension (EH), commonly known as “blue balls”—a phenomenon in which restricted orgasm causes pain. “This is not a scientific medical condition, and while it may be uncomfortable for penis and testicle owners, will not cause permanent damage,” says Murphy. “Semen will go back into the body if not ejaculated.”
Dr. Delucia adds that EH is “rare” but “very uncomfortable.” If you experience it, her tip is to try and reverse it by holding your nose, closing your mouth, and exhaling forcefully (like you would to pop your ears), also known as Valsalva. That technique is under-researched, though.
How do you edge properly?
How you practice edging will depend on your anatomy and how you prefer to achieve orgasm. However, there is one tip that’s universal, which is the need for transparent communication when edging with a partner.
“If one partner is not into this type of sex play then do not entertain it,” Dr. Delucia says. “Communication of where your partner is in the arousal phases is [also] important to understand.” After all, if you don’t know where they are in the sexual response cycle, things may not go as planned.
Now, for a few anatomy-specific tips.
Edging tips for people with vulvas:
Experiment with arousal and foreplay: This stage may change depending on if you’re solo or with a partner, but Murphy recommends engaging multiple senses to heat things up—be that watching something spicy, listening to erotica, or touching other parts of your body first to get the energy going. “The whole body, the nape of the neck, the nipples, may be erogenous,” adds Dr. Delucia.
Find your stimulation of choice: “Explore what touch is most arousing and how your body responds from start to finish,” explains Murphy. Some people prefer clitoral stimulation over vaginal penetration and vise-versa, then there are varying pressures to consider. “The most important thing is learning what works for you,” she adds. Dr. Delucia says using a sex toy with different intensities like a wand vibrator “to better explore the areas in the vagina that have extra sensation” may help.
Embrace fantasy: There’s nothing wrong with tapping into your imagination. “If you are alone, when you are on the precipice, snap out of the fantasy and allow the heart rate to return to normal and then begin again,” Dr. Delucia recommends.
Edging tips for people with penises:
Fantasize: Dr. Delucia’s fantasy advice applies here too—tease yourself (and/or your partner) with a story you can’t resist. Then try to resist it.
Change positions: “If practicing edging during sexual intercourse, try changing positions when you feel close,” suggests Narkiewicz. “This adjustment will provide a few seconds of a natural pause in stimulation and cadence to regain composure.”
Change your touch pattern: “One of the best ways to edge a penis is to squeeze the tip,” says Dr. Delucia. Or, go for an area that’s highly sensitive—“for most men this is the area just below the glans,” Delucia adds, and when you’re almost there, stop. “This should be fun and allow you to learn more about your own arousal patterns to eventually give you more control of your tipping point,” Dr. Delucia says.
How do you know when to stop edging?
“Once you’ve strengthened your relationship with yourself, you’ll be more aware of your boundaries,” says Murphy. “If you feel uncomfortable, unsafe during partnered sex, or find negative emotions like distress, panic, or dread coming up, trust yourself to take a break. If it becomes difficult to reach orgasm when you desire, it may also be helpful to take a break from edging.”
Put simply, Dr. Delucia says you decide when you’re through: “Stop when you or your partner have had enough.”
Female sexual desire is frequently misunderstood. Despite desire (also known as libido or sex drive) being the most common sexual health concern for women, most women aren’t really taught about it growing up. And if they are, the information is often inaccurate.
This lack of education not only perpetuates misinformation, stigma and shame about female sexual desire, it can also have a major effect on wellbeing and perceptions of satisfaction in intimate relationships.
But it’s never too late to understand desire and the many ways it can change – not just each day, but throughout life.
Desire is constantly changing
Sexual desire is best understood as a transient state. This means it can be affected by an array of factors – including stress, hormones, physical and mental health, certain medications, lifestyle and the balance of intimacy and eroticism in a relationship.
Desire is also a multifaceted response, which can either follow or occur at the same time as pleasure or arousal. This means feeling “in the mood” may not happen until after a woman is aroused. Desire can also occur with or without a partner and will vary in frequency and intensity. Sexual desire can also be affected by many environmental factors, which helps explain why it may wane during periods of stress or in longer term relationships.
Even factors such as gender roles and norms are thought to cause low sexual desire for women in heterosexual relationships. One study proposes that the inequities in the division of household labour, the objectification of women and gender norms surrounding sexual initiation (in which men are presumed to be the primary instigators of sex while women are presumed coy), all result in low sexual desire for women.
Understanding that desire is a transient and multifaceted response can help women to see that low desire isn’t a problem with our bodies – and that treating it may be a matter of addressing problems in other parts of their lives. It also helps to understand that it’s normal for desire to change and fluctuate, even on a daily basis, depending on what’s going on in a person’s life.
There are a number of reasons why this may be. For example, body changes that may happen during these transitional periods can affect body image and self-esteem, which in turn affects desire. Hormone changes can affect mood, and may also result in physical changes – such as vaginal dryness and dyspareunia (genital pain that occurs before, during or after sex), which are known to affect desire.
Perineal trauma (damage to the perineum during birth) can cause pain which may make women desire sex less. Experiences of pregnancy loss and infertility are also shown to lower sexual desire.
Importantly, these life transitions also affect other areas of our lives – and may lead to stress, fatigue, changes in relationship roles and less time for intimacy. This can all, in turn, lead to lower sexual desire.
Expecting that sexual desire may change or decrease during these periods can be helpful, as it may reduce self-blame and shame.
Desire can be cultivated
Desire can be cultivated at any stage of life. Recent psychosocial approaches to addressing low sexual desire emphasise the importance of balancing intimacy and eroticism, which is a focus on sensuality and pleasure over arousal and orgasm. Research indicates that, while intimacy is essential in healthy partnered sexuality, eroticism helps increase desire by promoting mystery and sexual excitement.
Sexual desire experts also suggest good strategies for cultivating desire including regularly communicating what feels good and what doesn’t with your partner, planning for sexual activity and finding ways to reduce distraction so you can focus on your body during sex.
Evidence-based treatments for low desire include mindfulness therapy, which can help women reduce distraction, increase focus on the sensations, thoughts and emotions they’re experiencing in the moment and help target negative self-judgment. Another treatment, sensate focus touch, which involves using non-sexual touch to promote more open sexual communication among couples, has also been shown to increase desire.
Sexual desire is unique to each person. If women were taught what sexual desire is and what to expect across our lives, they would be less likely to suffer the ill effects of this misunderstanding. Sexual desire is not a problem to be solved – but a skill to be learned and cultivated throughout life.
Many of us grew up reading glossy instruction manuals full of increasingly eccentric tips for pleasing a partner. A few memorable ones from my own tween reading years: Eat a doughnut off their genitals. Run an ice cube down their abs. Prior to sex, perform a chair-based dance routine. Moisten your mouth by imagining that it is full of Skittles. There were fewer instructions, of course, on how to help your partner please you.
If you have the kind of social media feed prone to churning up sex-positive Instagram infographics — or if you’ve ever masturbated — you are likely aware of the benefits of self-pleasure. Masturbation, wrote radical sex educator Betty Dodson in her 1987 classic Sex for One, is “the ongoing love affair that each of us has with ourselves throughout our lifetime.” Dodson, who later schooled Gwyneth Paltrow on vaginas for her Goop Netflix show, saw in masturbation nothing short of a path to world peace.
Sex educators rightly extol the endless upsides of masturbation: physical pleasure, relaxation, absolute safety from sexually transmitted infection, the powerful feeling of meeting your own needs. But telling people to masturbate for wellness reasons can begin to feel a bit like telling someone with depression to take a walk and drink a glass of water: It’s probably a good idea, but it’s annoying to hear.
For some people, this pervasive messaging has the opposite of its intended effect. “I have, over the years, also heard from many young women, especially, who feel pressured to masturbate—and some young men,” sex researcher Debby Herbenick tells Vox. Instead of masturbation as an act of personal discovery, it can feel like another tedious opportunity for self-optimization.
What the pro-self-service discourse sometimes neglects is this: Addressing your erotic needs through masturbation is a key strategy to bringing those same impulses to partnered sex, and for people with vaginas, it’s worth getting some reps in. And, of course, most of the research included in this space is on cis, straight people, so I recognize that these experiences won’t be universal — but everyone can benefit from a reminder that our bodies are worthy of pleasure.
Taking time to figure out what feels good
If you’re having meh sex with casual partners, pleasure-phobic pundits and well-intentioned friends might urge you to seek deeper emotional connection and monogamous commitment. Which, sure! If that’s what you’re into. There’s another option, though: Getting better at getting yourself off, so that you can give clearer instructions in the future.
“A lot of us are having unsatisfying sex. And they want that to change, but they want it to just change overnight,” says Dominique Oster, a sex and relationships therapist. “They want their partner to just suddenly get it. They want them to just suddenly know, but they don’t want to do the work that it takes to get there.”
When clients come to her sharing that they are unable to orgasm, or that they want sex but are simply unable to enjoy it in the moment, she, like many sex therapists, encourages them to practice masturbation.
“We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves and our nervous system a chance to re-regulate and create some new neural pathways,” Oster says. “This is not like a ‘Cosmo Five Tips to Better Orgasm.’ This is: How do I have better mental health around my body and my sexuality?”
Betty Dodson, in her ’80s masturbation manifesto, called it “the best way to gain sexual self-knowledge and to let go of old sexual fears and inhibitions.” She added, “For women especially, it’s a way to build confidence so we can communicate clearly with our lovers.”
A 2019 study of over 2,000 women found a stark contrast in the ways women were bringing themselves to orgasm through masturbation and the ways they attempted to orgasm with a partner. On their own, women “tend to use less conventional techniques for arousal during masturbation compared with partnered sex,” the researchers found. Those who were able to align their solo style with the way they had sex with a partner — conjuring fantasies, using vibrators, positioning their bodies in their preferred ways — had more orgasms, and better ones.
Of course, orgasm is not the only marker of a positive sexual experience, but it is a significant one. A study of young adults in 2019 found that people who orgasmed in casual sexual encounters were more likely to have positive emotions about those encounters. Critics of casual sex argue that it can lead participants, particularly women, to feel empty and worthless afterward. The reason could be a sense of loneliness or shame, but it could also be that sex didn’t feel that good physically. If that’s the case, the answer might not be to give up on sex, but to try to figure out what would actually feel good.
That’s what Maria Yagoda did. Yagoda is a sex writer who spent years recounting her sexual exploits online, writing articles with headlines like “What It’s Like to Ride a $2,000 Vibrating ‘Sex Machine.’” At 28, she finally admitted that she wasn’t enjoying sex — she was simply “enduring” it. She faked orgasms, approximating moans while thinking about the IRS. Even though she was technically a sex expert, she found it hard to acknowledge that, as she writes in her new book Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop, that “sex is meant to be pleasurable, not a method-acted performance of pleasure so gripping even the actor believes it.”
A pathway to better sex — including casual sex
It’s easy to read an account like Yagoda’s and conclude that casual sex is simply unfulfilling, and ought to be abandoned. Anti-hookup culture screeds, which often marry puritanism to the language of progressivism, argue that the answer is to contain sex within the framework of committed monogamy. Amid the often troubling critiques of hooking up is genuine concern for women’s sexual satisfaction and sense of erotic self-worth. In 2006, then-Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp fretted about the implications of hookup culture for girls’ futures as “mothers, workers, and members of a community.” She also worried, rightly, about whether the girls’ and women’s partners were treating them with care.
In a 2022 TikTok viewed nearly a million times, “very much pro-ho” creator Cindy Noir echoed these concerns, urging women to ask of their casual sex partners, “Does he value you and consider you and your pleasure? Is he trustworthy and safe for you and your body?” Hookup culture can sometimes be a “scam” for women, said Cindy. This is statistically true, at least as far as orgasms go — in heterosexual partnerships, men are vastly more likely than women to orgasm during casual sex.
Lack of pleasure is an excellent reason to avoid any kind of sex, casual or committed. But as Yagoda argues, “Pleasure is a practice.” Instead of renouncing casual sex, she set about discovering how to make sex more pleasurable for herself. She took up a period of celibacy to figure out, on her own, what she wanted. She practiced meditation and tried out various sex toys and lubes, enacting what Dodson called “the ongoing love affair” with herself. “I had never touched myself like this before, like a person I loved,” Yagoda wrote of her new approach to masturbation.
“The age-old difference between how men and women approach sex and sexuality is that men tend to be self-focused in their sexual experience or their exploration, and women tend to be more focused on the other person,” says Oster. “And that really gets in the way of us being able to experience what’s actually physically happening in our bodies.”
Getting your reps in
With self-pleasure, intentionality is key. “I don’t shy away from turning it into a chore,” says Oster of encouraging her clients to masturbate. “I really do like to remove some of the mysticism and some of the romance from this as a practice.” Lighting a scented candle is nice, she says. A clearer way to get in touch with the sensations might be to ask yourself, “What does this physically feel like? What thoughts are coming into my head? Can I return my body to the physical sensation when they do? Can I move through that and breathe through that and stay in my body?”
In 2022, researchers led by Herbenick published the first nationally representative survey on American masturbation habits in 10 years. Asked to share their primary motivation for masturbating, a significant number of women participants said they wanted to explore their sexuality. The study looked into a question that is debated by sex researchers: Does masturbating, in general, make people want to have more sex? Or less?<
There is some evidence for both theories, Herbenick told me in an interview, but the 2022 study found more evidence for the “complementary model” among women, meaning that women who had more partnered sex also had more solo sex. “You might be somebody who really enjoys your own fantasy and desire and arousal and orgasm through masturbation,” says Herbenick. “Doing so may help you to kind of feel enlivened and desirous, and sometimes the focus of that may be a partner.”
Couldn’t it be that women who have more frequent sex with men are actually masturbating more because they are unsatisfied?
“For some portion? For sure,” says Herbenick. But there is data, she says, that “certainly some people actually masturbate right then and there, right? Like they didn’t get an orgasm through their sex with their partner. So they will say, ‘Well, I just sort of rolled over and finished myself off.’” Practicing by yourself is good for that, too.
Practice makes pleasure
Two decades before Dodson’s masturbation manifesto, in 1966, sex researchers Virginia E. Johnson and William H. Masters published a groundbreaking report that included the following bombshell: “If there is no psychosocial distraction to repress sexual tensions, many well-adjusted women enjoy a minimum of three or four orgasmic experiences before they reach apparent satiation,” they wrote. After a decade of observing individuals masturbating and couples having sex, they had seen the truth with their own eyes:
Masturbating women concentrating only on their own sexual demands, without the psychic distractions of a coital partner, may enjoy many sequential orgasmic experiences without allowing their sexual tensions to resolve below plateau-phase levels.
Writing in crisp, clinical terms that nevertheless thrilled the reading public, they added: “Usually physical exhaustion alone terminates such an active masturbatory session.”
Masters and Johnson advised men to pay attention to their partners’ wants and stop guessing, applicable advice to people of all genders. “Rather than following any preconceived plan for stimulating his sexual partner, the male will be infinitely more effective if he encourages vocalization on her part,” they concluded. “The individual woman knows best the areas of her strongest sensual focus and the rapidity and intensity of manipulative technique that provides her with the greatest degree of sexual stimulation.”
Unfortunately, the average layperson has not read Masters and Johnson’s 1966 findings — so with that in mind, one must communicate one’s sexual desires directly. Doing so, instead of hoping that a sex partner somehow figures it out, involves “rejecting the idea of sexual chemistry as a rigid, fixed thing,” writes Yagoda. She cites the work of therapist Pamela Joy, who argues that people who want to get better at talking about their needs during sex should start with a much smaller step: just getting comfortable talking about sex outside of the actual act. You can take tiny sex talk steps by talking more honestly with friends, listening to sex education podcasts, and following sex and kink educators on Instagram.
Yagoda also recommends frontloading the communication — “Do you mind if we go slow tonight?” is a great thing to say to a hookup partner while the night is young and the Netflix original is still playing in the background. And when in doubt, she says, there are a few words to keep in your toolbox: “‘Faster.’ ‘Slower.’ Harder.’ ‘Softer.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No.’ ‘Ouch.’ ‘Wrong hole.’”
Oster adds that if you have a consistent partner, telling them about your self-pleasure practice will help them keep up with what you like. “If we can encourage our partners to see that we are changing, that we are exploring, that can kind of reduce some of the charge of, ‘Well, she used to like this. Now she just must not like sex anymore.’” It’s not always obvious that people have evolving sexual tastes and desires, but those things can be framed as “dynamic,” Oster says, rather than a dead end.
Masturbation, like other sex-related things, is increasingly celebrated in the mainstream, while stigma is continually reinforced everywhere else. Mentioning masturbation in a sex ed class is still enough to garner a teacher death threats, but you can stand in a Target aisle and compare the Rabbit, the LELO, and the Dame vibrators. Jane Fonda recently gave Drew Barrymore a sex toy on daytime TV, but shame and fear still prevent people from being direct with their partners about pleasure.
“There is no specific technique that can turn bad sex into pleasurable sex,” Yagoda writes. “There is no new angle or position that can rehabilitate your relationship with pleasure. But there are so many little practices, little shifts in perspectives that can open our bodies up to pleasure.”
It’s true that masturbation has not yet brought about world peace, as Dodson once dreamed. Still, we’ll keep practicing until we get there.
According to study coauthor Shannon Shen, PhD, while there has been plenty of research on cognitive decline in older adults, there was very little that considers how the sexual aspect of social relationships may be beneficial for cognitive functioning.
“We find that for older-old adults, or those that are 75 to 90 years old, having very frequent sex, at once a week or more, is related to better cognitive function five years later compared to those who had no sex,” Dr. Shen says.
“But for the younger-old adults, those ages 62 to 74 in the study, sexual frequency was not influential. Instead, having better sexual quality — both more physical pleasure and emotional satisfaction — was related to their better cognitive function five years later.”
Benefits of Frequent Sex in Later Life Differ for Men and Women
To determine the connection between sex and brain health, the study analyzed cognitive assessments and survey responses from 1,683 adults. The study did not track whether any participants were transgender, while 1.6 percent of the respondents were gay, lesbian, or bisexual.
Sex was defined as any “mutually voluntary activity with another person that involves sexual contact, whether or not intercourse or orgasm occurs.” The study only analyzed partnered sex, not masturbation.
The study found that men who had sex once a week or more had lower odds of experiencing cognitive impairment five years later than men who had no sex in the last year. Sexual frequency was not related to cognitive status among women, though.
What Are the Health Benefits of Having Sex?
Linda Waite, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago who has also studied the impact of sex on cognitive health in older age, says that sex has several physical benefits as we age, including stretching, increasing blood flow, and the releasing of hormones and endorphins from orgasm. But social elements are also key.
“When you’re involved in a joint project, then you have to use the social part of your brain,” Dr. Waite says. “You have to say, ‘Oops, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to nudge you,’ or ‘That doesn’t feel so great for me, can we move around,’ or ‘My hands are cold,’ or ‘Let’s get under the covers,’ or ‘Do that again.’”
Patterned social interactions with a long-standing close partner can also help with brain health, Waite says.
“If somebody’s having a little trouble with the next step, the other person can step in, and give a little help. So because there’s two of you, and even if you’re having trouble, you’re probably not having exactly the same kind of trouble,” Waite says. “You know, ‘Oh, remember, now we do that?’”
Should You Be Having More Sex?
Shen says that while the study does find that frequency of sex and quality of sex may help improve cognitive functioning in older age, she wouldn’t say it’s necessarily beneficial for everyone to have more sex.
“Our results are really highlighting different stages of later life being important in the benefits one sees from their sexual relationship,” Shen says. “For those younger-old adults, the quality they have with their sexual partner is important for their later cognitive functioning, not just having more sex. Even adults that have low libido can still enjoy high sexual quality, and the broad definition of sex in the study could mean that it’s not just intercourse that needs to occur for us to see these cognitive benefits.”
EMILY NAGOSKI: Unfortunately, virtually all of the orgasms that are available to us in the mainstream media and in porn are fake. The classic example, of course, is “When Harry Met Sally,” Meg Ryan.
MEG RYAN: ‘Yes, yes, yes!’
EMILY NAGOSKI: Actually, what orgasm looks and sounds and feels like varies tremendously from person to person. But how do we learn about orgasm? We learn it from media, and we learn it from porn, and then we think we are doing it wrong if that’s not what our orgasm is like. And we’re not, we’re doing it right, we’re just not doing it the way we were told. And if other people have a problem with the way our orgasms actually are, those are not the people you have sex with. So the first thing we should talk about is what an orgasm actually is. Then we should talk about how they actually happen. Followed, of course, by why they sometimes don’t. And then at the end, I’ll give you some tips to have the biggest, most expansive orgasm you’ve had in your life.
I think people believe that orgasm is a genital function. It is not. Sometimes genitals are involved, but orgasm is something that happens in the brain. And there is a reliable neurological marker for when orgasm happens. And it depends how you measure it. If you measure it one way, at orgasm, the prefrontal cortex goes dark- all of the inhibitory impulses just vanish. In a different kind of machine, the brain lights up everywhere. It’s a whole brain response, orgasm. You have to have a brain to have an orgasm. How we experience an orgasm as pleasurable or not depends on the context in which we’re experiencing it. So when you have a great, sex-positive context, orgasm can feel really good. But for some people, they might have an orgasm during unwanted sex. In that case, the orgasm feels like a betrayal, like their body has done something wrong and they feel broken.
So what orgasm actually is, here’s the definition I use: “It is the spontaneous involuntary release of neuromuscular tension generated in response to sex-related stimuli.” People can have orgasms from having their toes sucked. People can have orgasms from having their ear lobe sucked. People can have orgasms through breath and imagination. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you wanted and liked it, then it doesn’t matter what kind of stimulation got you there. Whatever works for you, is what works for you.
So we can’t even necessarily differentiate between which organ in your body is causing the orgasm to happen. There’s only one: There’s a brain orgasm. We can really struggle around an issue like orgasm, which seems so simple, but we’re taught that our identities are tied to our ability to have orgasms. One of the common experiences for people who struggle with orgasm is this thing that sex therapists call “spectatoring.” Where instead of enjoying the sensations that are happening in your body, you’re sort of watching your body; and worrying about it and thinking about is your face okay, should you be bending your spine in that direction? And all of that worry about your body is just keeping the brakes on and making it more difficult for you to enjoy the sex you are having.
Charles Carver, the researcher in Florida who, with his colleagues, developed this mechanism called ‘Criterion velocity and the discrepancy-reducing increasing feedback loop.’ I just call it “the little monitor.” And it’s as if there is a little monitor in your brain that knows what your goal is. It keeps track of how much effort you put in toward that goal, and it notices how much progress you’re making toward that goal. And it has a strong opinion about the ratio of effort to progress. When your little monitor switches its assessment of your goal from being attainable to being unattainable, it pushes you off an emotional cliff from frustrated rage down into a pit of despair.
The ironic intervention when you’re struggling with orgasm is take orgasm entirely off the table for a long time, months at a time, and just explore your erotic landscape: experience high levels of arousal, and lower levels of arousal, and feel what it feels like to approach orgasm knowing that you are not going to have one. The reason we take away the goal entirely is to help the monitor relax. Are you achieving your goal? If your goal is pleasure, and your little monitor is like “Pleasure: check!” your monitor is released from the necessity of judging you and trying to motivate you to work harder. Working harder to have an orgasm is rarely the thing that’s gonna get people where they wanna go. And if people struggle too long and they feel like there’s something wrong with them and they’re broken, they absolutely find themselves in a pit of despair. And if you’re feeling in a dark place because there’s something wrong with your orgasms: connection with other people, connection is the most important antidote to the darkness. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you practice experiencing pleasure without making it goal-oriented or trying to achieve orgasm, but rather just to experience all the pleasurable sensations your body is capable of, you win every time.
So here’s an exercise that helps you to expand your orgasms: Anyone with any set of genitals of any gender identity can practice this. You can do it alone or with a partner. This takes about an hour, generally, and it takes a lot of practice. You gotta choose how you spend your time. You could do this or you could just like watch Netflix. It is not necessary in order to be a sexually-well person by any means; it is the equivalent of running a marathon. Nobody needs to do it, but if you need a hobby, I recommend this one. Versions of this are part of tantric meditations where they use Kundalini breathing in order to access different spiritual states, but ultimately, it’s about the physiology of how orgasm tension generates and dissipates. And when you can get to a place where as much tension is coming in as is going out at the same time, it’s like every cell in your body is resonating at the same rhythm, like you’re a bell that’s ringing. You’re gonna notice some things about this practice that will probably remind you of mindfulness or other forms of meditation, especially breath meditation.
I’m gonna ask you to pay attention to the sensations that are happening in your body. And that comes really easily to some people, and for others, it is quite difficult. They get distracted, and that’s fine. Like a mindfulness practice, if you notice other distracting thoughts come along, and maybe it’s a thought about body self-criticism, maybe it’s a thought about the past, just, “Hello, distracting thought. I’m gonna put you on a shelf right now, and I’m gonna turn my attention back to the sensations that are happening all over my body.”
Every orgasm is different from every other orgasm, but there are some strategies that work for a lot of people to move in the direction of having quite an enormous orgasm. You imagine arousal from like zero, not at all aroused to 10, currently having an orgasm. You stimulate yourself in whatever way works for you up to about a five, and then you allow that arousal to dissipate. You let yourself get back down to a one. So a one just feels like just barely any attention drifting toward orgasm. And then you stimulate yourself back up to a six, right? This is still a middle level of arousal. You’re not very aroused, you’re nowhere near orgasm. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a two and then you stimulate yourself back up to a seven. And if you are at the beginning of this process, you’re gonna be learning what seven feels like versus a three, which you’re gonna let your arousal drift back down to a three, and then you’re going up to an eight. And at eight, you’re real aroused. You might see the orgasm train coming to the station. It’s not there yet, but you can hear it- there’s a whistle. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a four or a five. And then you go up to an eight and a half, go back down to a six. And up to a nine.
Now when you get to a nine, the orgasm train is pulling into the station and the doors are opening and you would like to get on, but you’re gonna put active effort into allowing your arousal to dissipate. Remember, it’s neurophysiological tension, so you’re just going to allow the tension. You’re literally going to breathe and soften all the muscles of your body because as you get to that eight, eight and a half, nine level of arousal, you’re gonna begin to experience carpal pedal spasms, carpal like carpal tunnel syndrome. Your hands are gonna clutch and your feet are gonna point and your ankles. And that’s involuntary. And you’re gonna make a voluntary choice to soften all of your muscles and let your arousal go back down to a seven, which is a high level of arousal but it’s not an eight or a nine. And you go back up to a nine and a half. Now at a nine and a half, you’ve got one foot on the train and it might feel like it’s pulling outta the station. And you know what? If the train pulls outta the station while you’re on the orgasm train, “Oh dear, you had an orgasm.” That’s not failure, right? But, if you can, you keep your foot off the orgasm train and you go back down to an eight, nine and three quarters and an eight and a half, and a 9.85 where you are really close like you can feel the orgasm right there. And you’re gonna soften all the muscles in your body from your core out to the periphery. And at this point, you are oscillating right at the peak of where orgasm is. And if you can maintain a balance of tension generation and tension relaxation, you can stay in that state and sustain it indefinitely.
Don’t worry if your first time isn’t perfect “It’s not helpful to think of sex as having one big ‘first time’. You’ll probably have lots of first times,” says Milly Evans, author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies Instead, she advises breaking it down into all the individual firsts you might have – “your first time having oral sex, penetrative sex, using hands or using toys”. Even if you experience all of these with one person, there will be a whole new set of firsts to explore with a different partner.
Communication is the thing that matters most This holds true whatever age you are, according to Clover Stroud, author of My Wild and Sleepless Nights “Communicating clearly about desire, or how you like to be touched or treated, isn’t easy. I wish I’d known how much sex improves as you get older and become more confident about what you like and how to communicate those needs.”
Being ready to have sex is more than just a feeling
“It’s about lots of practical and emotional things too,” says Evans. “Does the idea of having sex make you excited or anxious? Do you know enough about contraception, STIs and consent? Do you know where to access support if something doesn’t go to plan? Would you have to drink alcohol in order to feel confident enough to have sex? Is there a safe place for you to have sex? Safety, comfort and wellbeing are essential.” If you can’t answer all of these questions positively, you probably aren’t ready.
Think about what you want ahead of time “Reflecting can help you feel more prepared and in control,” says Evans. “Take a look at boundaries around things like touch, communication and time. Ask yourself if the relationships or sex depicted on TV, in books or on social media are what you’d like from your own. And remember that sex is something that happens with you, not to you – speak up about what you want, and encourage partners to do the same.”
Switch off negativity “As you’re looking at movies or television or porn, or magazines or music videos or social media, ask yourself, ‘After I see this, am I going to feel better about my body as it is today, or worse?’” says sex educator Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are. “If the answer is ‘worse’, stop buying or watching those things.” This is especially important where porn is concerned.
As the recent report from the children’s commissioner for England, Rachel de Souza, has highlighted, the increasingly abusive, aggressive behaviour depicted on many mainstream porn sites is normalising sexual violence and exploitation among teenagers, affecting their mental health and undermining their ability to develop healthy sexual relationships.
You have the right to change your mind
“Don’t feel pressure to do something sexually that you’re not comfortable with,” advises psychotherapist Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics. “You can always say ‘no’ or ‘pause’, or say ‘no’ after you’ve said ‘yes’.”
Age 25-35
It’s good to simmer
“The happiest erotic couples make a point of enjoying feeling aroused together for its own sake – even on days when sex isn’t on the menu,” says US sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “In sex therapy we call this simmering. It’s what teenage couples do whenever they get a moment’s privacy. Quick, intimate bodily contact, fully clothed – just enough to get you slightly buzzed.”
Penetrative sex isn’t the gold standard (nor, for that matter, is simultaneous orgasm) Many of what we have come to perceive as cultural markers of sexual excellence are spurious ideas that are now being refuted by science – and more honest, open debate around the subject. Such ingrained cultural beliefs are worth challenging. Do what works for you rather than what society tells you ought to work for you. For example, says Neves: “Many gay men don’t have anal sex at all, but prefer oral sex and intimate touching. Similarly, many women have very good sex without penis-in-vagina sex.”
You need to set the right conditions for sex Context is everything, explains Nagoski. If you’re feeling relaxed, loved and fully present (as opposed to, say, worrying about an email you need to send, an argument you’ve just had, or whether the children might walk in on you) you’re likely to have better sex. If you’re not, it doesn’t matter how sexy your partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is or how many candles you light – almost nothing will activate that desire. Nor is it about what you do with your partner, which body parts go where, or how often, or for how long. It’s about sharing sensation in the context of profound trust and connection, and recognising the difference between what great sex is really like and what most of us expect great sex to be like.
You don’t have to have sex at all “Gen Z are having less sex than millennials, who have less sex than older generations. This is often treated as a bad thing, but it might reflect more self-awareness in a hypersexual society,” says Aimée Lutkin, author of The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken. “Think about what you want out of sex and be honest about whether it is the thing you are really seeking. Is it intimacy? Community? Distraction? If it is sex, that’s great. The more in touch you are with your needs, the more likely it is you’ll make the connections you want to.”
Commitment and monogamy can be exciting “In my teens and 20s, I thought good sex was about physical desire,” says Stroud, “but in my 30s I realised that feeling psychologically ‘seen’ by another, and trusting them implicitly, is where good sex starts. Then you learn to take huge risks with them too. At that point, commitment and monogamy get really exciting.”
Age 35-45
It’s normal for sex to drop off the list of priorities “When you have a new baby or you’re caring for an elderly parent, overwhelmed with work or coping with some other form of stress, sex won’t be top of the agenda (though for some it will be a useful stress reliever),” writes Nagoski. “Don’t panic about it. It’s a phase you’ll pass through when you’ve managed the stress, and you’ll find your way back to the other side.”
Have a six-second kiss “Greet one another at the end of the day with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds, or a hug that lasts at least 20 seconds. That guarantees you will both produce the hormone of emotional bonding, oxytocin,” says relationships expert John Gottman, co-author of The Seven-Day Love Prescription.
Make sex a priority “Don’t make lovemaking the very last item on a long to-do list,” says Gottman. “Make it a real priority. Go on an overnight romantic date at a local B&B, or farther afield, at least four times a year.”
Don’t try to second-guess what your partner will enjoy Whether you’re trying to sustain sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship or wondering why a new partner isn’t responding to your usual moves the way a previous one did, the key is to be really honest about what works (or doesn’t) for you, instead of expecting your partner to guess. “About a quarter of women orgasm reliably with intercourse,” writes Nagoski. “The other 75% sometimes, rarely or never do, but might orgasm through manual sex, oral sex, vibrators, breast stimulation, toe sucking or pretty much any way you can imagine. They’re all healthy and normal. Similarly, a woman can be perfectly normal and experience arousal nonconcordance, where the behaviour of her genitals (being wet or dry) may not match her mental experience (feeling turned on or not).”
Have sex with yourself
Whatever age you are, “masturbation can be a great way to explore your body and fantasies”, says Evans. “Spend time creating your own storylines and find out what turns you on. You can also explore a whole world of visual, written and audio erotic content – but make sure it’s ethical (ie it is consensual, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and makers fairly). Audio erotica, in particular, has become more mainstream, especially among those who aren’t into visual porn, enjoy bringing their imagination into solo sex or want to try something new.” Two of the best-known platforms are Quinn and Dipsea, but it’s a fast-growing market.
Mothers are allowed to enjoy sex, too “It is a complicated balance, being both a mother and a sexual being,” says Lucy Roeber, editor of the Erotic Review, which relaunches later this year. “In our society, we sometimes expect women who give birth to pass through a door into an idealised state of maternal preoccupation without a backward glance. Yet they have the same messy lusts and cravings. My advice is: don’t strive to be too perfect a mother and don’t deny yourself pleasure. It is surprisingly easy for women to accidentally put their sexual being to one side while they work on motherhood. Yet the two can and should work together. After all, in most cases, it was sex that started the process of parenthood in the first place.”
Age 45-55
To cuddle or not to cuddle? Snyder says that “cuddling tends to deplete a couple’s erotic energy. If you like to cuddle together while watching TV, then be sure to ‘simmer’ [see above] during the ad breaks.” Gottman, however, advises “a daily cuddling ritual for watching films and TV shows at home where you actually stay physically in touch with one another. On one of these nights offer to give your partner a 15-minute massage.”
Don’t wait for desire to strike – practise creating it “Too many couples only have sex when they feel desire,” says Snyder. “That’s fine when you’re 20. But by 50 most people are more interested in a good night’s sleep. What to do? Have sex anyway.” Nagoski agrees that pleasure matters more than desire. She says: “Create a context that allows your brain to interpret the world as a safe, fun, sexy, pleasurable place. It’s called responsive desire and it asks that your partner help you in creating good reasons for you to be turned on. While some people have a spontaneous desire style (they want sex out of the blue); others have a responsive desire style (they want sex only when something pleasurable is already happening). The rest, about half of women, experience some combination of the two.”
Embrace body confidence “I’ve found that being in my 40s is entirely liberating. We get better as we shed the self-consciousness of youth, the desire to please, the emotional pliability. I love my body. It is the map of the years I’ve lived,” says Roeber. Nagoski questions wider sex-negative culture. “If you’ve learned to associate sexual arousal with stress, shame, disgust and guilt, you won’t have as good a sex life as someone who associates it with pleasure, confidence, joy and satisfaction,” she says. “Begin to recognise when your learned disgust response is interfering with your sexual pleasure. Your genitals and your partners’, your genital fluids and your partners’, your skin and sweat, and the fragrances of your body – these are all healthy elements of human sexual experience.”
Manage the menopause Hormonal changes during the menopause and perimenopause can trigger a host of symptoms (low libido, fatigue, low mood, vaginal inflammation or dryness) that do not make a recipe for romance, according to Dr Louise Newson, GP, menopause specialist and founder of the Balance app. “If you notice any of these changes, see a healthcare professional for a proper diagnosis and to discuss treatment options.” Don’t assume these issues will only start in your late 40s, either. “Though the average age of menopause is 51, one in 100 women will go through menopause before the age of 40. Even if you have an ‘average’ menopause, the perimenopause often starts in your early 40s.”
Have a sex date “Set a date to meet naked in bed to do absolutely nothing at all,” advises Snyder. “Talk, if you like, but this isn’t the time for deep conversation. Instead, focus on experiencing what’s going on in your body at that moment. Time is an endless string of such moments. Pay attention to a few of them. That’s often the best preparation for good lovemaking afterwards.”
Learn how to reconnect “It can be hard to connect to someone intimately if you don’t feel connected to them emotionally. Launching into ‘You don’t make me come any more’ or ‘You never want sex and I feel rejected’ will put your partner on the defence,” says Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate. “Saying, ‘I’ve noticed we seem to have drifted a bit on this and I’m really hoping we might talk about it’ is gentler. You’re not making assumptions about what your partner might be feeling, but you are showing that you’re interested in what they have to say about it. Once you’ve got those things in place, you can have a conversation about how to deal with it.”
You’re never too old to experiment “We have one body, but it can experience so many different forms of pleasure, especially when we open our minds. The more we accept the lie that our lives are over at 40, the more we are just cutting ourselves off from possibility,” says Lutkin. Newson agrees: “Your 50s and 60s can be a time of sexual liberation when your children may have flown the nest or you may be back on the dating scene after the end of a relationship. Many of my patients tell me that HRT and testosterone have given them a new lease of life. Make sure you are using lubricants [see below] and toys that are safe. These can ease discomfort and make sex more enjoyable, but many brands of lubricant contain irritants like glycerine and parabens, and should be avoided.”
Age 55-65
Focusing on sex drive is a wrong turn
So often we use the catch-all phrase “sex drive” to describe our enthusiasm for, or lack of interest in, sexual activity. In reality the process is more complicated than whether you’re feeling in the mood or not. “Your brain has a sexual ‘accelerator’ that responds to ‘sex-related’ stimulation: anything your brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal,” says Nagoski. “It also has sexual ‘brakes’ that respond to anything your brain interprets as a reason not to be turned on. Constantly monitoring for footsteps in the hallway? Have sex when no one else is home. Tired? Have a nap. Icked out by grit on the sheets? Change them. Cold feet? Put on socks. Sometimes it really is this simple.”
Follow the recipe for romance
While everyone’s particular sexual preferences may differ, studies suggest there are some commonalities among couples who claim to have great sex lives. “From the largest study ever done on what makes for great sex, the Normal Bar study, as well as our own studies, there are a baker’s dozen suggestions that set apart people who say they have a great sex life from people who complain that their sex life is awful,” says Gottman. “Things that work include kissing passionately, giving each other surprise romantic gifts, talking comfortably about their sex life and having weekly romantic dates.”
Manage dryness “One symptom affecting a healthy sex life that should be on every woman’s radar is vaginal dryness,” says Newson. “You might also experience soreness, itching, irritation, painful sex, vulval changes and UTIs. It can be hugely distressing – I’ve treated women who have been in so much discomfort they can’t put on a pair of trousers or even sit down, let alone have intercourse. But it can be managed by using vaginal oestrogen or HRT and avoiding tight-fitting clothing. You should also avoid perfumed soaps and shower gels or intimate-hygiene washes.”
Find out what you like as a couple and make it happen Monogamy is sometimes framed as the death knell of erotic connection, but, says Nagoski, this is a red herring. “Passion doesn’t happen automatically in a long-term, monogamous relationship. But it does happen if the couple takes deliberate control of the context,” she says. So find out what is pleasurable for you as a couple and spend time creating the context that leads to it. Often, but not always, we fall into one of two categories – those who need space from a partner in order to create spontaneous desire and those for whom great sex tends to happen when it’s preceded by affection and intimacy.
Don’t take things for granted People often get stuck in familiar routines in the bedroom but, whether you’re with a long-term partner or starting a new relationship, it’s important to check in now and then and ask whether your usual approach is working. “If something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s important to be able to talk about it honestly and caringly,” says Major.
Age 65-plus
Don’t rush things “If you’ve been in a partnership for many years that has now ended, you may want to get out there and meet people,” says Major. “But if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Whether you’re 18 or 58, having sex is something to do when you feel confident that there is a degree of trust. New partners may have different expectations from you and different experiences. That’s potentially two very different sets of boundaries.”
Make the wellness connection Older generations sometimes see sex as a taboo subject. If that’s the case for you, try reframing sexual wellbeing as one component of your wider physical and mental wellbeing. Whether you’re eager to discover positions that are easier on arthritic joints or prefer the closeness of a cuddle, maintaining intimacy can significantly boost overall wellness. Conversely, good health habits can improve our sexual wellbeing, particularly as the effects of ageing start to kick in. “Not drinking too much, eating sensibly and exercising regularly can all have a beneficial impact on our sex lives,” says Major.
Seek medical help when needed Many older couples say erectile dysfunction medications make sex less anxiety-provoking, says Snyder, just as a lubricant can help some women. “Sex and worrying don’t go well together. As a sex therapist, I’m always happy when a couple has one less thing to worry about.” Major agrees: “Issues like erectile capacity and vaginal dryness need not rule out a satisfying sexual connection. But seeking medical help where needed is important – lumps, bumps, weird bleeding and poor erectile capacity can be symptomatic of health issues. And with the number of STIs in the over-65s having significantly increased as people move out of long-term relationships and start new ones, it’s important to get checked out.”
Strive for connection “Being able to share intimacy with a partner, as opposed to just wanting intimacy for yourself, is vital,” says Major. “Your level of energy or physical connection might be quite constrained, but it’s very possible through gentle touch, words or kindness to maintain that core intimacy. For some couples, the physicality of sex becomes unimportant in later life, but what they have is a deep emotional connection – an ability to talk honestly and openly and caringly with one another.”
Welcome your sexuality “The most important thing you can do to have a great sex life is to welcome your sexuality as it is, right now,” says Nagoski, “even if it’s not what you wanted or expected it to be.”
If you’ve ever heard someone say their sex life is subpar, chances are a lack of foreplay is on their list of complaints. This gripe is so common that most of us treat it as fact — consistently skipping foreplay leads to consistently disappointing sex.
What we rarely talk about, however, is what comes after sex, and it’s arguably even more critical than foreplay. The way we behave post-intercourse affects our sexual health, how we feel, how we value ourselves, and how we view sex.
What is Sexual Aftercare?
Just as foreplay deals with the way we treat each other before sex, aftercare is about how we treat each other when sex is over. It encompasses a wide range of activities that involve your body and mind.
Hygiene and Self-Care
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again: pee after sex! This is the easiest and most common example of postcoital hygienic self-care. Peeing after sex can help prevent infections or irritation in your genitals.
Do you or your partner take any medications? Setting the alarm or reminding each other to take them after sex, if needed, is aftercare. Anything that promotes your overall health and comfort is usually a good idea, such as a glass of water or a hot shower.
A hot cup of tea or a greasy order of takeout can help your bodied replenish nutrients. If you’re the kind of person who’s very active during sex, you may want to soothe your muscles by stretching, trading massages with your partner, or simply cuddling together for a while.
You might be noticing a theme here; aftercare is about you and your partner taking care of each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s casual sex, a new relationship, or your spouse of many years; your experience will always be more positive when you express intimacy and care, even if you don’t plan on staying together.
Intimacy and Emotional Well-Being
The human mind is an enigma, so it’s never easy to tell what your partner – or even yourself – needs after sex. Some of us naturally want distance, while others want to be closer. Some need the validation of physical touch and conversation, while others feel overwhelmed by intimacy and just need to spend ten minutes alone on their phone.
As long as it doesn’t hurt your partner, there’s no wrong answer; that’s why communication is so important. If you’ve been with your partner a while, they might already know what you need after sex and be ready to provide. If they’re a newer partner, you may need to learn what they need while expressing what you need.
So tell them and ask them what. It’s okay to say that you want to cuddle or that you need space. It’s okay to balance your needs with theirs. At some point, most of us will experience Post-Coital Dysphoria (PCD), which hits us with a tide of sadness, irritability, or even tears after sex. If this happens, it’s okay! Let your partner know what’s going on and that it’s not their fault. If they’re experiencing PCD, let them know it’s okay and ask what they need.
Most of all, though, be cognizant and considerate of both your emotions. Treat each other as attentively and kindly as you did before sex.
Why Aftercare Matters
Whether we like it or not, sex is an experience that triggers some kind of emotion and connection in most of us. Even the partners who run for the door when it’s over aren’t necessarily feeling nothing; rather, they’re cautious about what they might feel.
That’s okay, and to each their own, but sex is inherently intimate. When we treat each other with care and consideration after sex, we build on that intimacy. In a relationship, this brings two people closer together and positively associates sex with feelings of nurture and love.
Even after casual sex, good aftercare reaffirms both partners’ inherent value as people. In simpler terms, it reminds us that we deserve to be treated well even when no one wants something from us. This not only boosts our self-esteem but it reinforces positive behaviors that make us better lovers and better people.
On the other hand, ditching aftercare can make both partners feel the opposite. It’s common for people who neglect aftercare to feel used, and their self-esteem might take a hit too. In long-term relationships, this can give one or both partners negative feelings toward sex. This, in turn, might make them lose interest in sex, which often causes other problems in a relationship.
In terms of hygiene, people who don’t pee or clean themselves after sex are more likely to suffer from infections or deal with irritation in or around their genitals. No one wants that.
So why is aftercare so important? It keeps your body healthy and your sexual experience positive. In a relationship, it enhances your intimacy and, in any scenario, it reminds you that as a human in any situation, your partner is worth taking care of — and so are you.
Vivian Rhodes figured she would eventually have sex.
She was raised in a Christian household in Washington state and thought sex before marriage would be the ultimate rebellion. But then college came and went — and no sex. Even flirting “felt unnatural,” she said.
In her early 20s, she watched someone she followed on Tumblr come out as asexual and realized that’s how she felt: She had yet to develop romantic feelings for anyone, and the physical act of sex just didn’t sound appealing.
“Some people assume this is about shaming other people, and it’s not,” said Rhodes, 28, who works as a certified nursing assistant in Los Angeles. “I’m glad people have fun with it and it works for them. But I think sex is kind of gross. It seems very messy, and it’s vulnerable in a way that I think would be very uncomfortable.”
For what researchers say is an array of reasons — including technology, heavy academic schedules and an overall slower-motion process of growing up — millennials and now Gen Zers are having less sex, with fewer partners, than their parents’ and grandparents’ generations did. The social isolation and transmission scares of the COVID-19 pandemic have no doubt played a role in the shift. But researchers say that’s not the whole story: The “no rush for sex” trend predates the pandemic, according to a solid body of research.
UCLA has been tracking behavioral trends for years through its annual California Health Interview Survey, the largest state health survey in the nation. It includes questions about sexual activity. In 2021, the survey found, the number of young Californians ages 18 to 30 who reported having no sexual partners in the prior year reached a decade high of 38%. In 2011, 22% of young people reported having no sexual partners during the prior year, and the percentage climbed fairly steadily as the decade progressed.
California adults ages 35 to 50 who participated in UCLA’s 2021 survey also registered an increase in abstinence from 2011 to 2021. But with the percentage of “no sex” respondents rising from 9% to 14% during that time frame, the increase was not as pronounced.
The broader trend of young adults forgoing sex holds true nationally.
The University of Chicago’s General Social Survey — which has been following shifts in Americans’ behavioral trends for decades — found that 3 in 10 Generation Z males, ages 18 to 25, surveyed in 2021 reported having gone without sex the prior year. One in four Gen Z women also reported having had no sex the prior year, according to Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book “Generations.”
In an age where hook-ups might seem as unlimited as a right swipe on a dating app, it’s easy to assume that Gen Z “should be having the time of their lives sexually,” Twenge said.
But that’s not how it’s playing out. Twenge said the decline has been underway for roughly two decades.
She attributed the slowdown in sexual relations most significantly to what she calls the “slow-life factor.” Young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. They’re delaying big milestones such as getting their driver’s licenses and going to college. And they’re living at home with their parents a lot longer.
“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”
A slight majority of 18- to 30-year-olds — about 52% — reported having one sexual partner in 2021, a decrease from 2020, according to the UCLA survey. The proportion of young adults who reported having two or more sexual partners also declined, from 23% in 2011 to 10% in 2021.
Though sex was on the decline in the years leading into the pandemic, COVID-19 made dating trickier.
Many people tightened their social circles when the pandemic surged in 2020 and 2021. And young people’s reliance on cellphones and apps for their social interactions only intensified when in-person meet-ups posed a risk of serious illness.
In general, people coming of age in an era of dating apps say the notion of starting a relationship with someone they meet in person — say a chance encounter at a bar or dance club — seems like a piece of nostalgia. Even friendships are increasingly forged over texting and video chats.
“A lot of young people when you talk to them will say their best friends are people they’ve never met,” said Jessica Borelli, a professor of psychological science at UC Irvine. “Sometimes they live across the country or in other countries, and yet they have these very intimate relationships with them. … The in-person interface is not nearly as essential for the development of intimacy as it might be for older people.”
Ivanna Zuniga, 22, who recently graduated from UC Irvine with a degree in psychological sciences, said her peers have largely delayed sex and romance to focus on education and career. Zuniga, who is bisexual, has been with her partner for about four years. But their sex life is sporadic, she said, adding that they hadn’t been intimate in the month leading up to her graduation.
“I’ve been really preoccupied with my studies, and I’m always stressed because of all the things I have going on,” she said. “My libido is always shot, and I don’t really ever think about sex.”
The sexless phenomenon has made its way into pop culture. Gone are the days when meet-cutes in bars leading to one-night stands and sex at college parties were the cornerstone of coupling in films.
In “No Hard Feelings,” released this year, a 32-year-old woman is hired by “helicopter parents” to deflower their shy 19-year-old son. At a party, the woman frantically searching for her date busts open bedroom doors where she expects to find people feverishly tangled in sheets. Instead, she finds teens sitting side by side on a bed, fully clothed, scrolling their phones or playing virtual reality games. Bemused, she yells, “Doesn’t anyone f— anymore?”
While there are practical benefits to waiting to be in a physical relationship, including less risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, Twenge argued that there are also downsides to young people eschewing sex and, more broadly, intimacy. Unhappiness and depression are at all-time highs among young adults, trend lines Twenge ties to the rise of smartphones and social media. And she noted with concern the steady decline in the birth rate.
“It creates the question of whether Social Security can survive,” Twenge said. “Will there be enough young workers to support older people in the system? Will there be enough young workers to take care of older people in nursing homes and in assisted-care facilities?”
Zuniga, who plans to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology, can’t imagine pausing her education or career to have children, so safe sex is particularly important, she said. Others interviewed said “horror stories” involving friends who contracted herpes or other sexually transmitted infections had turned them off from casual sex.
“I prioritize my studies too much, and I can’t fathom the thought of having my identity as an academic fall secondary to being a mother,” Zuniga said. “Moving out of the income bracket that you’re born into is so hard to do, and a very secure way to do it is through education.”
For Rhodes, not having sex has taken a lot of the pressure off social interactions.
“It lets me relax,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about how I look or how I come off to other people. But I have a little extra help caring less about it, because I don’t have to worry about attracting specific kinds of people for specific things.”
And she pushes back against the notion that shying away from sex is some sort of societal problem that needs to be “fixed.” It might even be a sign that young people have more control of their bodies and desires, she said.
“Maybe you don’t have to have sex all the time,” Rhodes said. “Maybe if you’re doing other things in your life, and you’ve got other priorities, or you just don’t feel like it, that can be a good enough answer.”
— For most of us, understanding the basics of sex science and pleasure is the first step in improving our sex lives, says Ruth Ramsay
Ruth Ramsay suggests having great sex may be easier to achieve than you think
By Ruth Ramsay
Do you have a great sex life? If your answer is yes – congratulations! But for the majority of you reading this, it’s probably a no. Particularly if you’re in a long-term relationship, it’s normal for your sex life with your partner to not be as regular, fun or satisfying as you’d like.
This probably impacts your happiness outside of the bedroom as well as in. In a recent major study from 2022, reported in Forbes, over two thirds of participants agreed with the statement “my overall quality of life would improve if my sex life improve”. But what if there was a relatively simple way to make that happen?
For some people, change in this area is challenging, particularly those with a history of trauma or a religious upbringing where sex was demonised. But for the masses who are simply bored, badly informed and shy to admit it, easier help is at hand.
It’s unlikely to come from magazine articles with titles like Techniques Guaranteed To Blow His Mind or 10 Types Of Orgasms – Are You Missing Out? Instead, I suggest a simple mindset shift; we can use whatever our starting point and which is inclusive of age, gender, relationship structure, tastes and abilities. It’s that we approach sex as we would a favourite hobby.
I know the power of this concept from my coaching work. A couple I coached over a number of months, helping them re-establish a sex life based around pleasure after a long gruelling fertility journey, told me “sex as a hobby” had been the most transformational concept. The fact my TEDx talk sharing this idea, Revamp Your Sex Life In Six Minutes has gone viral (it has been viewed more than 700,000 times) backs this up.
What do I mean by ‘let’s approach sex like a hobby’?
Honestly, it means: let’s talk about it with those we do it with, schedule time for it in our diaries, be keen to learn about it, and open-minded about new or different techniques. Let’s check in with what we want each time, not be shy to seek medical advice if there is a problem, and most of all, prioritise the equal enjoyment of all involved.
This is a big shift from how we typically treat sex. We expect it to “just happen naturally”, with no planning or effort, and consider anything other than spontaneous sex as inferior. Most adults get their information and inspiration from a toxic mix of romanticised messages in film and TV, trends in porn, and the lingering memory of school “sex education” (fear-drenched reproductive biology which positioned only penetrative intercourse as “real sex”). We don’t understand our anatomy, and faking pleasure is preferable to talking about how to achieve it.
In what other physical activity typically involving two partners, would we expect things to “just happen”, with no decent foundational education, ongoing learning, or discussion about what we like or dislike, and with never putting it in the diary? Let alone expect it to happen regularly and be exciting and fulfilling for both parties, doing it only with each other for years on end?
Since the TEDx talk went live I’ve had emails from around the world from people telling me it has sparked their first-ever open discussions with their partners about sex. It has enabled them to approach improving their sex lives together with positivity and excitement. This is partly because this approach leads with “let’s make things better and have more fun”, rather than “let’s talk about how boring or unsatisfying things have become”. The latter can be hard to admit even to ourselves, let alone a partner, and conversations around it can be painful and full of blame.
Treating sex as a hobby gives us a starting point from wherever we find ourselves right now. But for most of us, understanding the basics of sex science and pleasure is the first fundamental step in improving our sex lives. It’s not our fault we don’t already know – it’s only in recent years that decent adult education around sex has become widely available.
There is now lots of good information out there: books, podcasts and documentaries. Put “sex’” into a reputable platform and you should get education, not porn. Taking responsibility for understanding our own bodies and what we need – not expecting a partner to “deliver” pleasure or “make” us climax – is vital.
What do you want?
The next step is being able to talk about it. So many couples tell me the only thing they never talk about in their relationships is sex. Treat this in itself with curiosity: we can start off such a discussion with: “Isn’t it weird how we can talk about everything else, but not this? Why is that?”
Then, we need to dedicate time to putting what we’ve learnt into practice. People are resistant to this suggestion but putting sexual playtime in the diary is not an admission of failure. Instead, it’s a positive, affirmative act which recognises sex as an important part of our busy lives.
By “sex” I mean all types of enjoyable, intimate, erotically charged time – including with oneself. With a partner, it doesn’t mean we are committing in advance to having penetrative intercourse. Communicate what you’re up for. If you’re too tired or stressed for sexual play, keep the date for intimate non-sexual bonding time, instead of giving up and turning on the TV. Your relationship will thank you.
If you view scheduling sexual time as the ultimate turn-off, consider this: when you were first with your partner, you planned dates days or weeks ahead; thought about what to wear and personal grooming; messaged each other to say how much you were looking forward to it; made absolutely sure you didn’t let work or other commitments creep in. Did that turn you off? No, it built up the heat (and consider that it’s also what people do when they have affairs…). It can have a similar effect now.
If we wait until we spontaneously experience desire after all of life’s other busy-ness is done, that’s when sex doesn’t happen for weeks, months, or even years. Which is such a loss. Good sex can bring us such individual and relational joy; boost our physical and mental health; provide stress relief and an outlet for creativity and adult play. Shouldn’t we devote as much attention to it as to hobbies which do the same?
Try approaching sex as a hobby, and you may soon find your answer to my opening question changes.
Sex is a fundamental part of a healthy, intimate relationship. It’s where people display their love and affection for each other in a physically intimate way. But what happens when the sex isn’t great? When one spouse isn’t feeling satisfied or is left underwhelmed? It can be a tough topic to bring up but good sex it’s crucial for any relationship to work. Here are some ways you can talk to your spouse about the intimacy not satisfying your needs while maintaining open and honest communication.
Figure Out What’s Missing
The first step is to identify what specifically isn’t working for you. Is it a lack of emotional connection, intimacy, or physical pleasure? By figuring out what isn’t working, you can approach the conversation with your spouse clearly and confidently.
Be Direct but Tactful
Confronting your partner about subpar sex can be uncomfortable for both parties, but it’s essential to address the issue head-on if you’re not satisfied. In order to do so tactfully, without attacking or blaming your partner, it is best to use “I” statements. In a problem-solving context, “I” statements are a non-judgmental way to frame the conversation. For example, “I don’t feel satisfied sexually” or “I would like us to be more intimate.” By using “I” statements like “I notice we aren’t connecting as well as we used to in the bedroom, and I wonder how we can make things better,” the conversation can be framed as a problem-solving exercise rather than something to be ashamed of. In this way, you avoid blame and your partner is able to understand the impact of their actions on you.
Use Positive Reinforcement
Positive reinforcement can go a long way in boosting your sexual connection with your partner. Instead of focusing on what’s not working, focus on what is. Give your partner specific examples of things they do that you enjoy and ask them to do more of that. For example, “I love when you touch me like that, and it really turns me on. Can we do more of that next time?” Positive reinforcement is a great way to build your partner’s confidence in the bedroom and motivate them to keep trying new things.
Talk About Your Needs and Desires
Another way to broach the subject of unsatisfying sex is to talk about your needs and desires. Often, couples struggle to communicate openly about what they want in bed, which can lead to disappointment and frustration. Make sure to communicate your needs clearly and listen to your partner’s needs as well. Understanding your partner’s desires and preferences can help you both achieve greater sexual satisfaction. Find out what arouses your partner and work on fulfilling that longing desire.
Offer Solutions
If you’re in a sexual rut, trying new things together can be a great way to reignite the flame. Come up with suggestions to add spice to your sex life. Share your fantasies with each other, and brainstorm ways to make them a reality. Whether it’s exploring new positions or experimenting with toys, introducing new elements into your sex life can be a fun, exciting way to deepen your connection with your partner. Ask your partner to suggest new ways you can both enjoy sex more. If you can’t get to a solution, consider seeing a sex therapist for guidance.
Seek Professional Help if Necessary
If you’ve tried everything and still can’t seem to get your sexual connection back on track, seeking professional help could be an option worth considering. A sex therapist can provide unbiased, expert advice on how to improve your sex life and help you and your partner overcome any obstacles that may be hindering your connection. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help — sometimes, a fresh, professional perspective is all you need to get your sexual relationship back on track.
Intimacy is an essential part of a relationship, and if it’s not adequately addressed, it can affect the bond between partners. Talking to your spouse may be daunting, but it’s essential to approach it with love and respect while highlighting your needs and concerns. Be prepared to listen and offer solutions that work for both of you. Remember that it’s a journey towards better intimacy and emotional bonding. And if the conversation doesn’t go as planned, it’s perfectly okay to ask for guidance from a therapist. The most crucial thing after the conversation is to keep the lines of communication open. Don’t let the conversation be a one-time event, but rather a starting point for a regular conversation and improvement of your intimacy.
“Missionary position” is a bit of an unfortunate phrase, no? Many missionaries do fine charitable work, but thinking about them isn’t exactly titillating. That’s a shame, because missionary position can actually be amazingly sexy: In missionary position, bodies are close. There’s a lot of sweat. Breath mingles. It’s a perfect position for intimate lovemaking with strong eye contact; it’s also a perfect position for lifting your legs up, going as hard and as deep as possible, and experiencing pleasure in parts of your body you didn’t know existed.
It’s also certainly not just for penis-in-vagina straight sex. Maybe we should rebrand “missionary position” as being about going on a mission to get creative, messy, and come your face off — all while experiencing a closeness with your partner not available in other sex positions. As part of this rebrand, we’ve gathered twists on traditional missionary position that will prove just how hot and varied missionary sex can be.
Standing Missionary
Missionary isn’t just a position for the bed. Switch it up by doing missionary against a wall in any room of your home (this position is great for those times when you’re just too turned on to make it to the bedroom). Have the receiving partner lift their leg for better access to their vagina, while the giving partner holds on to the leg for support.
Spread Missionary
If you saw Fifty Shades Darker or are familiar with BDSM, you may have heard of spreader bars. They usually come with cuffs on either side that are clasped around the submissive partner’s ankles. And they’re the perfect toy to spice up missionary position.
To get into spread missionary, have the dominant partner (the one on top providing penetration) clasp the receiving partner’s ankles in the spreader bar. Then, the dominant partner can lift the submissive’s legs over their head for a kinky twist on a classic position.
Bound Missionary
Bound missionary infuses BDSM into this classic sex position. All you have to do is tie up the arms of the receiving partner over their head. You can use a pair of sex handcuffs or go DIY with rope or tape — whatever turns on you and your partner.
Assisted Missionary
To change the angle of penetration during missionary sex, try placing a pillow under your partner’s bum. You don’t need to buy a pillow made specially for sex; just grab one lying around your bed. By plopping the cushion under the receiving partner, their pelvis lifts, thus allowing for increased G-spot or P-spot (for those with prostates having anal sex) stimulation.
Pretzel Missionary
In the pretzel version of missionary position, the receiving partner simply lifts their legs and wraps them like a salty snack around the partner providing penetration. It’s a variation both parties will love: By wrapping their legs around, the receiving partner can pull their lover further inside, controlling the depth of penetration, gripping tight if they feel something they like. For the partner providing penetration, not only are they aided in thrusting, which can be heavy cardio, but they’re able to feel the warmth of being entangled in legs.
Impaled Missionary
“Impaled” is a bit of a violent term, but that’s what the Kama Sutra calls this variation, officially “shulachitaka.” The receiving partner lifts one leg up, which, like a lever on a La-Z-Boy, allows the couple to play with various angles. A leg over the shoulder is always hot, and by lifting one leg up, if the receiving partner has a vagina, this position also creates more space for the person on top to rub their clit.
Rockette Missionary
Rockette missionary sex takes impalement to the next level (and forces the person lying down to do a little cardio). Just like with impaled missionary, the receiving partner lifts one leg up along their partner’s body, but in this version you take turns, switching legs up and down like a Rockette dancer. This position is known in the Kama Sutra as “the broken flute (venudaritaka).”
Strap-On Missionary
Strap-on missionary sex can be done by all genders and orientations, not just by two people with vaginas (although that’s awesome too). It’s a wonderful way for a person with a vagina to see what it feels like being on top of their partner with a penis, by slowly inserting a (well-lubricated, please) dildo into their partner’s vagina or butt. When using a strap-on, take the time to research and find the right one for you, and always clean afterward with warm water and antibacterial soap. Just like with penises, use a condom if using on multiple partners.
Anal Missionary
There is definitely nothing boring about having missionary sex in your butt. Compared to the doggy-style version of sex typically associated with anal, missionary anal sex can take a bit more maneuvring, but it’s well worth it (to help get the angle right, it might be helpful to place a pillow under the receiver). The intimate eye contact involved in missionary takes a sex act like anal, often associated with roughness, and proves it can also be soft and sweet. Regardless of whether you’re using a dildo or penis in anal missionary, as the anus isn’t self-lubricating, make sure to always use proper lubrication. Pro tip: If you’re doing anal missionary with someone who has a vagina, never switch from butt to vagina without a proper washing. That’s how yeast and urinary tract infections are made!
I was in the park with a friend of mine who was telling me about the sex she’d had at a festival the weekend before. “He came as well, actually,” she added at the end of the story.
“Oh, nice,” I said, and then I laughed because I couldn’t remember when it became a thing to comment on men coming. But then, maybe men finishing is less of a given than it used to be. At least, it seems to be.
“I’ve seen the greatest cocks of our generation destroyed by SSRIs,” read one tweet that was being screengrabbed by a lot of my friends. If you don’t get the joke—and, please, it’s very much a joke—SSRIs are selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (such as Prozac, Lexapro, and Zoloft), which can help with feelings of anxiety and depression, one side effect being that they can reduce people’s libido and ability to orgasm. Of course, it’s good that men are taking measures to look after their mental health, and often when people are on SSRIs, they can work around the side effects to still climax. Maybe alcohol is to blame. After all, being drunk—which people tend to be when they’re having casual sex—doesn’t help. Nor does the emphasis we place on performance, something we’re more guilty of than we think.
My friend and I chatted for a while about all this, about men not coming as much as they used to, and why that might be. Or we did, until I pointed out that we were being hypocritical. Both of us have complained in the past about how men are really set on making you come. You can tell it’s mainly to prop up their own ego rather than for your pleasure, and it makes you feel pressured and guilty when you can’t. We’ve pointed out to men we’ve had sex with that we don’t have sex to orgasm, but for other things: pleasure, yes, but pleasure in a more general sense; the kind of smudgy oblivion where you forget yourself. And yet there we were, doing the very thing we hated: focusing solely on orgasm.
“Although someone needs to come, so there’s a natural end to sex,” my friend said. “Otherwise it will keep on going forever.”’
“I vote it should be them,” I replied.
“Yeah, sorry, they can’t spend decades centering the male orgasm as the end of sex and then say it’s no longer the end of sex.”
“It’s too late for me,” I said. “My entire sexuality is built around what men want.”
Of course, I wasn’t being serious, but it made me think. What do I want? A while ago I was sleeping with this guy, and I remember him asking the second or third time we slept together, “What do you want?”
I was on top, looking at him, and I remember wanting to hide. Trying to think of an answer to his question was like trying to describe a color I’d never seen before. I was tongue-tied. So I said, “What do you want?” bouncing the question back to him, and then he repeated it back to me a second time so that it felt as though we were playing that stupid game the Chuckle Brothers used to do where they went, “To me, to you,” again and again and again.
On my phone, there’s a screenshot of a quote from the beginning of Want Me by Tracy Clark-Flory. It’s from director Miranda July, and I saved it in my favorites folder because it resonated so much. It reads: “I’m always interested to hear how a woman conceives of herself as a sexual person, because there is really no map for this. Only a series of contradictory and shaming warnings. So whatever any of us comes up with is going to be wholly unique and perhaps a little monstrous—like a creature that has survived multiple attacks yet still walks, still desires.”
And what is left surviving at the end—for me, for the women I know? When we imagine sex, we’re rarely ever ourselves but someone else entirely, because it would be too shameful to be us. Most of us have some sort of praise kink—where you get off on someone telling you you’re good at stuff—presumably because the focus is on someone else’s pleasure. We’re so objectified that we like to become inanimate objects, or think about being watched, followed. Our sexuality slips in between gaps, slides into the spaces in between, clings on.
I don’t know how to describe what I want to another person, to guide them toward it. It’s not a fixed thing: it bends and warps with each person, it shape-shifts. What feels good with someone might feel different with another. Our moods change. Desire emerges in context with someone else. Even if shame didn’t play a part, I’m still not sure I’d be able to answer the question.
If you take antidepressants and have found your libido’s dropped off a cliff, fear not, there are GP-approved steps you can take to bring it back.
There’s a lot of stigma around antidepressants
Due to the formerly hush-hush nature of mental illness and misconceptions spread in pop culture (hi, Stepford Wives), there’s a huge amount of misinformation that’s still present in the social conscience.
In reality, for people struggling with mental illness, particularly anxiety and depression, antidepressants medication can be life-changing. They can assist with levelling out severe peaks and troughs and bring an overwhelming sense of relief to the person taking the meds, in turn giving them the chance to work on their mental health in other ways.
Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are one of the most common forms of antidepressants and work by slowing the rate at which the central nervous symptom reuptakes the natural serotonin produced by the body. Serotonin is a neurotransmitter attributed to happiness.
However, as with all medications, there can be side effects, one being a loss of libido.
According to Cindy Meston, a clinical psychologist and sexual psychophysiology researcher in the United States, it’s the unwanted effect women report most often.
“They don’t feel like having sex, or when they have sex, they’re just not into it,” Meston tells Goop. “And many also report an inability to attain orgasm.”
A study published in The Mental Health Clinician (MHC), a peer-reviewed, bimonthly, clinical practice journal, hypothesised that the side effects of SSRIs are attributed to the increase of serotonin in other areas of the body, and may affect “other hormones and neurotransmitters, such as testosterone and dopamine.”
“This may lead to side effects of sexual dysfunction, as testosterone may affect sexual arousal and dopamine plays a role in achieving orgasm.”
Other research shows that SSRIs “impact many key neurotransmitters (like serotonin, dopamine, histamine, and acetylcholine) and decrease the activation of the sympathetic nervous system, which alters a woman’s libido.”
Aside from the scientific specifics, an unexpected loss of libido can be difficult for couples and individuals to manage.
General Practitioner (GP) Dr Sam Saling says “For those partnered up, it can cause relationship difficulties, which has a whole heap of consequences especially if there is a mismatch between each person’s sexual drive.”
Meanwhile for people who are single, “Lowered libido can still have a great effect on self-esteem, one’s interpersonal relationship endeavours, and one’s social life.”
“For both men and women, lowered libido can have absolutely no physical and mental effects, or alternatively, a huge effect, depending on the person.”
Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can work to boost your libido if it’s dropped off a cliff since you started taking antidepressants. We asked Dr Saling for her tips on getting to the bottom of a low libido, and the best ways to boost it back up.
First, look for other causes
Dr Saling says before you look to blame the antidepressants, it’s important to look for the true cause of the feeling.
“Low libido in itself is often a symptom of an untreated mood disorder,” she tells Body+Soul. “So, often the low libido that follows the commencement of an antidepressant is actually a sign of a pre-existing illness, not a side effect of the medication.”
If you’re experiencing low libido in the first half-year after commencing medication, this is particularly true, as “It can take six months or more to start seeing the full effect of an antidepressant.”
Another common side effect of antidepressants is increased sleepiness in the short term, which Dr Saling says “can definitely lower libido just due to someone’s increased desire to sleep over other activities in bed.”
Once short-term symptoms have alleviated, and the antidepressant is working in terms of abating mood symptoms, libido may also increase.
However, if after several months libido has lessened significantly, then it could be related to the antidepressants itself (rather than mood or the desire to sleep), as “low libido is a known side effect of many of these medications,” says Dr Saling.
Then, speak to your GP
If you’re suffering from a low libido, the first port of call is your GP.
“Your GP will take a detailed history and this will indicate to us what is the likely cause,” says Dr Saling. “New mood disorder medications, or an increased dose, is a clear cause.”
If it is related to the antidepressants, “Often all it requires is a dose tweaking or a different medication type,” says Dr Saling, “Sometimes, we recommend psychological counselling and lifestyle interventions.”
There are many causes of low libido including, Dr Saling tells Body+Soul, including “vascular issues, hormonal changes, and many more contributing medical conditions. Social circumstances, financial pressures, relationship difficulties and work stress” can also contribute.
If you’re suffering with low libido, your GP is the very best person you can speak to to figure it out, regardless of the cause.
How to boost libido if your antidepressants is the cause
#1. Exercise right before sex
According to Meston’s research, having sex within 30 minutes of a moderate workout significantly increased sexual desire in women taking antidepressants. ]
“We know that exercise has a lot of chronic benefits for health and sexuality—you have more energy, better sleep, enhanced body image, decreased stress,” Meston told Goop. “But in this case, we found that, in addition, acute exercise or a single act of exercise is hugely beneficial for sexual desire.”
This may be due to activating the sympathetic nervous system, which is needed to get turned on enough to reach orgasm.
Dr Saling is also an advocate for regular exercise: “I would recommend starting with a regular exercise routine incorporating both aerobic and resistance training,” she says. “This is recommended to boost mood as well as energy levels overall.
#2. Sync sex to your medication schedule
According to Meston’s research, syncing sex with when you take your medication could also help – as if you have sex right before you take your next dose, the levels from the previous dose will be at their lowest.
There is no evidence to support this practice, but Meston tells Goop that “when levels of antidepressants are very low, their sexual side effects are likely to be low, too.”
#3. Try scheduling sex
While scheduling sex may seem daggy, it can be a great way to increase intimacy in couples, which can often be a crucial step in increasing arousal.
Setting aside time where sex does not come into the picture, along with time where sex is pre-planned can help couples bond without either party misconstruing an attempt for sex, and build anticipation for the times when sex is on the agenda.
#4. Eat a healthy diet
Taking care of your body through a nutritious diet gives you the best opportunity to let it get on with its natural processes – libido included.
“A healthy diet is essential to ensure adequate nutrition to feel one’s best,” instructs Dr Saling.
#5. Introduce sex toys
Of course, if libido has dropped to the point where you or your partner is not interested in sex at all, then that must be respected. However, if you are still keen to include sex in your relationship until low libido is resolved, you may need more stimulation to become aroused and reach orgasm.
Vibrators are a surefire way to turn things up a notch if you are experiencing decreased sensitivity, and will assist with driving blood flow into the genitals.
Dr Saling also suggests implementing regular reviews with your doctor to effectively manage the change. “Not only can we review your response to medication and make adjustments if needed, but we can also recommend non-medical interventions,” she says.
“Once we work out the cause of low libido, we can tailor the treatment plan.”
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