— Is this normal?
It’s more common than you might think
Maintaining sexual interest in long-term relationships can be challenging for many of us, but it doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.
Sex at the start of a relationship is memorable. The long sex-filled nights, the impossibility of keeping hands off each other, the impulse and yearning to touch this new person. But as the intimacy of long-term love sets in, the fire can fizzle out.
It is predictably – and statistically – normal to go through periods where you’re not having sex as often as you’d like. Relationships are complex and ever-evolving, and so is our desire for sex.
It’s common for couples to face a situation where they find themselves in a predicament: they deeply love and care for one another but no longer feel the insatiable desire to tear each other’s clothes off. So is it normal that you’re not having sex? Can love and low sexual desire coexist harmoniously? Yes, it is, and yes it can. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Understanding sexual desire
I frequently refer to the pioneering work of Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are who has changed the way we understand sexual desire. According to Nagoski, sexual desire is a multifaceted and dynamic phenomenon influenced by a wide range of factors, both internal and external. These factors interact in complex ways, making it essential to recognise that changes in sexual desire are a normal part of the human experience.
Nagoski emphasises that sexual desire is not a simple on-off switch but a complex interplay of various components, including sexual arousal, emotional connection, stress levels, relationship dynamics, and personal experiences. So we can’t just sit around and wait for our desire to reappear – we have to start with some self-inquiry.
Learning what turns you on and off
Nagoski introduces the Dual Control Model, which pretty much works to explain sexual desire as having two components: sexual excitation (what turns us on) and sexual inhibition (what turns us off). While sexual excitation can be triggered by factors like arousal and attraction, sexual inhibition is influenced by external stressors, emotional states, and relationship dynamics.
An increase in inhibition can lead to a decrease in sexual desire. To make sense of this, when you first start dating you’re engaging in exciting and thrilling activities like getting ready for a date or sending flirty messages throughout the day. Dating can feel uncertain, exciting and risky – we spend a lot of time thinking about the other person and waiting for the moment we will see or touch them next, which often energises our experiences.
And while there’s so much beauty in long-term relationships, when couples move into more mundane patterns of relating like paying bills together, cleaning the house, and arguing about whose turn it is to cook, it can no longer feel ‘thrilling’ to connect. Understanding your Dual Control Model can help you and your partner understand each other’s unique interplay between sexual excitation and inhibition, and look at ways to manage or remove some of the brakes and bring in more or the accelerators.
Context is everything
This one seems so simple, but it’s really surprising how few couples think to acknowledge it. Many think about desire like a magic trick – you love someone and all of a sudden it should appear – right? If only.
The context in which sexual desire arises is crucial – external factors like stress, fatigue, or relationship conflicts can contribute to the activation of sexual inhibition. So even if you love your partner deeply, you may experience a decrease in sexual desire due to the turn-offs at play.
Not to mention our physical context will come up a lot in session for my clients, a messy room, harsh lighting, or roommates, family members or kids close by can feel like a wet blanket for your desire. With this in mind – I encourage my clients to think about the ideal erotic equation for their sex life – what do they want and need more of in order to bring sex front of mind and make it feel like a priority again? To make sense of all this – we also need to understand different ways of experiencing desire.
Our desire for sex is often responsive
Desire exists on a spectrum, we all experience it differently. On the one end, we have a spontaneous desire – which essentially refers to a spontaneous urge for sex that seemingly comes out of nowhere. We see this a lot in porn, in movies and often experience it at the start of a relationship.
But on the other end of the spectrum is responsive desire, which challenges the notion that sexual desire should always be spontaneous. Responsive desire occurs when someone may not actively seek out sexual encounters but can become keen and excited when presented with the right context and stimuli.
When I teach my clients this it’s like they have a lightbulb moment. They’ve been waiting for desire to smack them in the face and wake them up, without recognising that they may need to actively create the context for themselves and their partner.
Where to from here
More Coverage
This is one of the most common sexual concerns. In sessions focused on desire, we will explore the reasons (there are often many), seek to understand different desire styles, understand different ways to create the context for desire, practice communication skills and ask for what they want.
If changes in sexual desire are causing distress or strain in your relationship, consider seeing a therapist or counsellor who specialises in sexual health or couples therapy.
Our desire for sex will change constantly throughout our lives – it’s human and to be expected. When we can move away from thinking about it as an on-and-off switch and rather understand it as a complex interplay of social, mental, physical, emotional and sexual factors, we can work together to make it a priority again.
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