Category: Dom/Sub

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A Feminist Guide to BDSM

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This guide isn’t going to be exhaustive, or it would be book-length. And, in fact, there are some great books about how to get started in BDSM. For starters, I recommend checking out

But what you’ll find below should give you some great starting points and some things to consider as you explore (or entertain exploring) BDSM from an intersectional feminist perspective.

Jump to a section:

Let’s make sure we’re on the same page by starting with some terms.

What is BDSM?

BDSM is a rather complex acronym with the letters meaning different things depending on their pairing. B and D stand for Bondage and Discipline; D and s stand for Dominance and submission; and S and M stand for Sadism and Masochism.

But what does all of that mean?

You probably have ideas in your head about what BDSM looks like: leather-clad Dominatrixes and naked submissives wearing collars, dimly lit dungeons where people are tied up and hit with things. And all of this is true and (for some) intriguing. But let’s flesh out that vision, a little. 

For starters, BDSM can be something you do. For instance, if you tie up a partner or spank them with a paddle, that’s participating in BDSM.

But BDSM can also be a mindset; a way of defining roles in a relationship; a framework through which you express your desires and limits with a partner; and a community of people interested in alternative expressions of sexuality, intimacy, and power.

BDSM often involves an exchange of power between two or more people: someone in a Dominant or top role and someone in a submissive or bottom role. The person submitting gives the person(s) dominating them permission to take control over the situation. This power dynamic can last over a particular period of time (or a scene) or be ongoing in a relationship.

What I love about BDSM and kink is that your creativity is the limit to what you can do with it. In their New Bottoming Book, Dossie and Janet define S/M as “play, theater, communication, intimacy, sexuality. It combines the child’s urge for make-believe with the adult’s ability to take responsibility and the adult’s privilege of sexual reward.”

That definition can encompass a whole lot of types of activities, right? Not only getting blindfolded and flogged or whatever first comes to mind.

If you’re looking for places to start, besides what you fantasize about, consider signing up for workshops sponsored by a local group or online. Check out organizations like Kinky Kollege or workshops by Midori.

So what about kink?

What is Kink?

Kink is a very, very vague term. And many people use kink and BDSM interchangeably which, unless you’re a really old-school Dominant or Master, is perfectly fine. Because, as we saw above, BDSM can mean a lot of things, as well.

But, where BDSM has at least a set of terms (Bondage, dominance, etc) that help define what it is, kink doesn’t.

In Playing Well With Others, Williams and Harrington define kink as shorthand for:

The great big world of sexual adventure, including, but not limited to, voyeurism, exhibitionism, fetishism, fantasy role-playing, cross-dressing, power exchange, swinging, leather identity, erotic restraint, consensual non-monogamy, ‘naughty sex’ and BDSM between consenting adults. In short, the realm of sexuality perceived to be outside the mainstream.”

Folks often describe themselves as being “kinky” or “into kink” when they’re interested in exploring things considered sexually deviant which, once again, can be about anything.

A good way of looking at it is that you may want to use the word kink in a conversation if you want to explain your interested in exploring (sex, relationships, etc) in ways that are out of the norm. Just be prepared for someone else to have totally different assumptions about what you mean.

Is BDSM Inherently Feminist?

The short answer is no. But BDSM, as well as other kinky activities, has to potential to fit nicely within a feminist value system.

There’s a newish trend for separating ethical non-monogamy from non-monogamy, in general. So someone who is open about dating multiple people at once or being in an open marriage might say they’re ethically non-monogamous.

Similarly, let’s assume that what we’re describing in this article is a way of participating in “ethical BDSM.”

And when I say feminist, I mean: Requiring equity in one’s relationships, actions, and communities for all people, regardless of gender, sexual orientation, religious background, physical ability, age, race, and other identity components while being aare of and celebrating those differences.

The most common objections to BDSM are that BDSM is just an excuse to support patriarchal gender roles or to enable abuse. 

Some feminists consider BDSM just another “system of oppression” that encourages violence against women and other gender minorities and takes away their agency.

One reason for these objections is that it’s considerably more common in cisgender heterosexual relationships for the woman to be in the submissive role. In a study published by the Journal of Sexual Medicine, over half of the women surveyed reported desires about being submissive.

But for many women exploring their submissiveness, what makes it a feminist act is their ability to choose what they want to explore. This choice is the foundation of their agency. BDSM also provides a structure for exploring this power dynamic that prioritizes consent.

Kink also isn’t inherently inclusive. Many kink events do a horrible job of being accessible. Kink communities can be transphobic, ageist, racist.

Safety 101

From tying someone up to participating in a power dynamic, much of BDSM or kink involves physical and/or emotional risk. 

Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)

There is a framework that many BDSM practitioners use to practice kink and BDSM ethically. This is RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink). Risk-aware means understanding the risks of a given activity before participating in it: essentially doing one’s homework. For many types of play, such as bondage and impact play, such as whips, floggers, and canes, I strongly recommend taking classes to learn the physical risks and how to do things safely.

Risk-awareness is also an acknowledgment that the level of risk any two people are willing to assume is different and that’s ok.

Now, consent in a power dynamic can get trickier. So how does one truly give consent when giving someone control over their body or actions? That’s where negotiation comes in.

Negotiation is Key

Before one participates in kinky play, negotiation is so important. Here are some things to discuss (at the very minimum):

  • What is going to happen (it won’t ruin the fun to talk it out)
  • Any boundaries and limits
  • How to determine when play should stop if something goes wrong
  • What both parties need afterward to ground themselves (otherwise known as aftercare)
  • If there are any physical injuries or emotional trauma that might come up

Here are some other resources on negotiation to get you started:

The benefits of red and yellow

Instead of some random safeword that you might have a hard time remembering, many kinksters use red and yellow, which are easy to remember. Red tends to mean “full stop,” and yellow means “I’m approaching my limit” or “pause.”

When you’re deciding on which terms to use, you should also discuss what they mean to everyone involved. For instance, does saying red mean the scene should end right then and there or does it mean you take a break and discuss? Do you prefer to say yellow as a way of saying you want to discuss what’s happening or to ask the top to move on from a particular body part or action?

It can also be important to know what someone means when they say “no” during a scene. Don’t make assumptions — talk it through beforehand.

BDSM Roles

For some, the idea of submitting to someone else is as unattractive as doing one’s taxes. For others, being in a dominant position comes with the same anxiety as talking in public. And then there are folks, often referred to as switches, who desire both. Whether they feel like topping or bottoming might depend on how they relate or interact to a given person or the person’s gender or the season.

Folks can be a self-identified dominant, top, submissive, bottom, or switch. Or it can simply be a role they assume in a given scene.

In fact, in an interview with Rebellious, sex educator, performer, and Shibari expert, Midori explains that she sees these roles more as verbs than nouns:

“A person is not ‘a dominant.’ A person is a person. A person engages in dominance. Or hungers for dominance or hungers for submission. So when we say a person is a top, a bottom, a dominant, a submissive, I think we engage in the subconscious reduction and objectification of the self, and that is not good. It’s a counter to feminism and it’s counter to humanism.

“Now, I understand if we’re using this as shorthand. Let’s say you and I are playmates and I say, “I’m your bottom.” Then that’s kind of romantic. But that’s coming from a place of understanding complexity.”

After reading this interview, I started making it a habit to tell folks “I switch,” as opposed to “I am a switch.”

Beyond the basics, there are many, many roles one can take in a kinky relationship. One can be a daddy or mommy, a boi, a big. little, brat, leather sibling, pony, puppy, owner, master, slave, mistress, and so on. As you explore, you’ll learn what these roles mean (to others and possibly to you). Being able to assume a new role with someone can help you expand or define your unique relationship and what you want out of it. To learn more about various roles, I recommend exploring Fetlife. If a term intrigues you, search for a group about that role.

How to Approach Fetlife

So where do you meet other fellow kinky folks? The best place to go is Fetlife, which is a bit like Facebook for Kinksters. Please keep in mind it is very not safe for work! 

But I’d like to offer a couple of tips on how to approach the site because it can be a bit overwhelming.

Most people don’t want to hear from strangers. 

Many folks use Fetlife as a dating site and look for cuties in their area. Sometimes this works well. In fact, I wound up in a great relationship with someone I randomly messaged. But for the most part, people don’t want to get random, impersonal “Hey you’re cute, can I get to know you?” messages. 

If you really like what someone has on their profile, then at the very least, send more personal messages if you want to get to know someone. But also please check to see if they have something on their profile about not wanting to hear from randos.

You’re better off getting involved in forums and community events to build an organic connection. And, in fact, there are many dating forums where you can post or respond to folks that are specifically looking for someone.

If you’re shy or nervous, reach out to an event organizer

If you want to get involved, but you’re nervous about it, look for an event you’re interested in, then find the person in charge of the event. These are generally people that have taken an interest in building the BDSM community and will be happy to help.

6 Things I Wish I’d Known When I Started

  1. It’s OK To Speak Up For Yourself When Bottoming

When I was getting started, I thought that being a good submissive meant accepting whatever the Dominant wanted, which isn’t even remotely true. Thankfully I was lucky enough to work with some experienced, thoughtful tops who negotiated well and were communicative as we played. 

But many of my experiences could’ve been better if I’d known it was ok to speak up more about what I wanted. Now, these dynamics can work in many ways. Perhaps a submissive wants to give up control completely to a Dominant during a scene — which is fine if it’s well negotiated. But it doesn’t need to be that way. It’s also okay to speak up in the middle of a scene and say, “This isn’t working, can we try something else?” or stop the scene completely, etc. And all submissives need to know that you’re not failing or being bad when you speak up. 

For more, check out Julia Swann’s three-part series on Self-Advocacy as a Bottom.

  1. Pain thresholds aren’t a competition

When it comes to lots of types of kinky play, I have a low pain threshold compared to others. I am not what is known as a “pain slut.” I like just enough pain or discomfort to keep me in the moment and give me that adrenaline rush.

I am not the right play partner for many Dominants/Sadists who want their bottom to take as much pain as they can dish out. Nope! Not for me!

Many submissives can feel pressured (either by themselves or by a top) into taking more pain than they want. Which is dumb. And I think it has to do with the competitive nature of our culture.

BDSM allows you to play with one’s pain threshold which has a number of benefits, such as exploring your physical and emotional limits, achieving a sense of mindfulness, achieving “subspace” — a blissful headspace that can feel like a high, build new self-knowledge, go through something challenging with another person. Unless you’re intentionally specifically looking to be competitive with another person, you don’t need to take more pain to achieve these benefits.

  1. You don’t need pain AT ALL for a fun scene

Fun kinky play doesn’t need to involve pain at all. It can be an emotional journey, a sensual journey, and so much more. In other words, you don’t have to be a masochist: someone that takes pleasure from pain.

Remember, your imagination is the limit of what you can do using a kink framework: establishing a power dynamic, negotiation, etc.

To me, the primary point of kinky activities is how to nurture connection, both with the person(s) you’re playing with and with yourself. And the best way to kink is however best nurtures that connection, with lots of pain, a moderate amount, or no pain at all. And if you and a potential play partner can’t agree on this, you’re probably not a good match.

  1. BDSM doesn’t need to involve sex

When I got involved in the kink community, I had the opportunity to play with all sorts of people. Some of them I was sexually attracted to, but many I wasn’t. I learned quickly that this was okay. Not all kinky play needs to be sexual in nature and, in fact, we get to define what sexual means to us!

For me, play is often more “sensual,” than “sexual.” I feel more alive in my body when I play, but I don’t always feel aroused. And rarely do I involve my genitals in kinky scenes.

For some, kink is always foreplay, and that’s okay too. 

This is another way that you get to decide who you want to play with and how.

  1. Know your responses to trauma or trauma-inducing event

When you’re participating in BDSM, you’re often pushing physical and emotional limits in a way that can trigger past trauma or even create new trauma. Especially when you’re playing with new people or intentionally playing with actions you know you have trauma around, it’s super, super important to know how you respond to trauma and explain it to the person you’re playing with. (Note, tops can also have trauma responses — this isn’t just for bottoms).

Once, when I was bottoming for someone who ended up not being a very emotionally safe person, afterwards, I curled up in a ball on his bed. This, I found out, is one of my physical responses during a traumatic event.

On the other hand, the only time I’ve ever cried during a scene, I left wondering if I’d gone too far. I spoke to a mentor who asked me how I felt afterward. Exhilarated. Eager to have another scene with this person. 

She asked me how I’d felt when things had gone wrong before, and I thought back to that time when I curled up in a ball: anxious, depressed.

I now know what to look for when I’m heading into dangerous territory, and I can tell anyone I’m playing with what to look for, as well. 

It’s also really important to know whether you are able to verbally communicate when you’re triggered. If you tend to go non-verbal this is something you should tell your partners (and it’s something we should always be asking before a scene).

For more on trauma and play, check out:

  1. If someone isn’t interested in negotiating, they’re not safe

There are soooo many self-identified dominant individuals on dating websites who are looking for new people to play with. Many tout that they’re experienced, and when you’re eager to explore BDSM, it can feel very exciting to come across such a person.

But many of these people (usually cisgender men) aren’t safe to play with. They’re generally looking for inexperienced women who don’t know what to look out for. So how can you tell whether they’re worth getting to know? 

I tend to ask people to describe how they negotiate a scene. If they don’t have a good answer, then they’re not safe. 

Another thing to do is say no to simple things, such as whether we can exchange phone numbers or another request. If they ever, ever get pushy about anything, they’re not safe.

Approaching BDSM or Kink as a Feminist

I hope this guide gives you some starting ways to approach BDSM or kink as a feminist. For me, some of the keys are encouraging inclusivity, prioritizing enthusiastic consent, using BDSM or kink as a means of empowering myself and others, and challenging societal norms.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Better BDSM Negotiation For Sexier Play

By Sarah Sloane

In our culture, many of us have this fantasy — let’s call it “magical knowing” — that if our partner is really into us, they will magically be able to automatically know what we need, and what feels good for us, without us having to say it.

It permeates our culture; think about all of the movies where the protagonist says no but their (more dominant) partner somehow knows that they really mean yes, or the books where a first erotic encounter with a new person is filled with fireworks and mutual orgasms (yes, Harlequin Romance, I’m looking at you). This isn’t only bad news for new connections; it builds into ongoing relationships the idea that if our partner really loves us (or even just knows us well enough), they’ll be able to intuit what we want without us having to say a word.

Because what we do often involves physical or emotional risks, folks who participate in BDSM or kinky play preach against magical knowing. In fact, one of the first things that you’ll see BDSM educators (and sexuality educators of all kinds) talk about is the importance of negotiation. For kinksters, this includes communicating your needs, wants, and boundaries to a potential partner in order to create a mutually pleasurable scene (A scene, if you’re not familiar with kink jargon, is a term used for session & activities you plan to do together).

But for lots of novice kinky folks (as well as for some more experienced ones), the idea of scene negotiation can feel really unsexy. It can feel like an interruption in the flow: having to stop in the middle of a hot flirtation session to try to turn your rational brain back on and do some logic problems when all you want to do is Get It On.

And you know what? Yeah. It can definitely be unsexy, especially if you’re dealing with it in a clinical way, or if you were always taught that you should negotiate kink or sex as if you’re trying to figure out a pizza order for a group of 20.

The style of negotiation that relies on comprehensive tests taken and exchanged ahead of time, or approaches it checklist-style, may be an option for some — but it definitely misses the boat, and can in fact cause some bad assumptions to arise that end up making a date not so great.

But there’s hope! In between those two unhealthy (and unrealistic, in the case of magical knowing), polar opposites exists a glorious world where negotiation can not only help us avoid negative outcomes, but also make those mind-blowing experiences happen more consistently in our lives.

1. Negotiate A Connection

First, I invite you to consider that negotiation starts the moment that you start thinking about how you and your potential partner might want to connect. Do they have the kind of attitudes and perspectives that make you feel comfortable with them? Do they check in with you on what feels good for you? Honest, empowered negotiation starts with a sense of connection & trust in the other person, regardless of which side of the action you want to be on (or whether you even want to limit yourself to a single role). The more that we trust that our needs will be met and our boundaries will be respected, the more that we’re likely to be able to relax into the intimacy of the play space and deeply enjoy it.

Thinking about negotiation as a way of cultivating a connection runs counter to the more common “what’re you into?” conversation where one just starts to list off their interests in a way that can be so impersonal.

There is no reason that you need to have a checklist or take a BDSM quiz in order to be able to negotiate. For newer folks, it’s hard to have a sense of what we might like – and what we might not – when we may not have ever experienced it. And for more practiced folks, we may find that our “yes” is less about the activity itself than it is about the person’s skill set and passion. Now, some of us really love our checklists — I’m not here to yuck your yum, for sure, but the presence of a “yes” or “no” on a checklist misses nuances that might open up a world of pleasure for your playtime.

A great way to start the more “formal” part of negotiation is to think about what you know about the person and what turns you on about them. Is it their confidence? The way that their eyes flicker down when they talk about sex? Did you see them using a flogger, or respond to a sensation play scene at a local play space? Whatever it is — tell them. Starting the conversation by telling them what attracts you to them, and how you’d like to capture that in your scene or in your relationship connection, can help provide a foundation for you to expand on.

Ask them what they would like to get out of playing with you, as well. Do they want to feel owned? Powerful? Skillful? Taken care of? Do they want to push their physical limits a bit further? Reach a transcendent state? Or do they love to laugh and want to be playful? Creating space for them to talk about the bigger desires they have for your scene centers them as a co-creator of the experience, and builds empowerment towards consent.

2. Brainstorm Activities That Nurture The Desired Connection

Once you’ve talked about what turns you on about your play partner, and you’ve spent some time chatting about the way that you want to feel when it’s all wrapped up, start digging into activities.

Yeah, this list of activities is often it can start to feel like a checklist (or where folks show off their quiz results). But I’m encouraging you to think about things in more depth than just do you like being tied up, yes or no?

For starters, what does your partner know they like to experience, or perform? What have they had negative experiences with — and what were those experiences due to? Do they want to challenge assumptions or revisit things that they’ve tried before with varying levels of success? Are they curious about trying something new? Toss it all out on the table, as much as you feel safe with doing so. Just because one of you is interested in something doesn’t mean that the other person is obligated.

I hope that you have lots of options on the table that are (at least somewhat) on everyone’s “yes!” list. But even if you don’t, pick out just one or two things that feel hot. You don’t need to have a session that requires a huge toy bag and three costume changes (unless, of course, that’s what turns you on); a single toy or a small set of directives can make for a pretty pleasurable scene! If you do have tons of options – here’s your chance to edit it down. A mistake that I made as a novice top was to try to use lots of different toys during an SM scene – so I’d pull out multiple floggers, paddles, a cane, a crop, etc…and I got so busy trying to switch between toys to get to all of the different implements in the scene that I wasn’t as connected to the energy & flow of the session as my partner deserved. Having a goal of using just a few items – or a single one – lets you play with pacing, different sensations, and … wait for it … anticipation!

Once you’ve decided (at least initially) on what you’re going to do, it’s time to make sure that you mark the territory that you want to explore. How do you do that? Boundaries! Negotiating the “no’s” isn’t always a clear-cut “don’t hit here” or “don’t call me ___” — it also includes what and how you’ll both recover from it if something happens. The reality is that many issues that arise are not because of rules that were broken, but they’re due to an error that wasn’t corrected or went under the radar.

3. Don’t Rely Exclusively on Safewords When Trouble Arises

Safewords, while often discussed as part of negotiation, aren’t the infallible tool for communication that we might want them to be. First of all, the onus is on the bottom / submissive / receiving person to call a safeword, and while that might make sense, it doesn’t take into account the underlying reasons that might prevent someone from using a safe word. Some folks can get into a non-verbal state during play; some people may also be unwilling to use a safe word because they don’t want the play to stop for a variety of reasons (including worrying that they will upset their partner). And for the top or dominant person, there are some of the same issues that may hold them back from alerting their partner if one of their boundaries has been crossed.

There are ways to navigate this, though! We can decide that using a safeword only creates a “pause” in the action so that clear communication can happen before moving forward. We can also ask each other what they might say, or do, if they’re reaching a point that’s uncomfortable — some people who are experienced may already know this, but even for novices, they may be able to clearly identify at least one thing that they know about how they handle stress or pain that’s useful for their partner to know to look out for. A common reaction for pain, for example, is to pull away from the sensation; for many bottoms, they will pull away but then relax back into their original position (or even lean closer to their partner) as part of a pleasurable session, and so if they pull away and stay tense, it may indicate that they’re overwhelmed and may need a check-in or to have the sensation stop at that level.

4. Watch For Nonverbal Cues

The negotiation doesn’t end once the scene has started. We negotiate with our bodies as well as with our words. Paying attention to our partner’s reactions to what’s happening can provide tremendous insight, and are “additive” in a way that allows each subsequent scene to be even more intuitive and more intimate! Are they clearly breathing harder? Is their body relaxing instead of tensing up? Are their noises sounding more pleasurable? When we respond in a particular way, does our partner shift their actions (or even their energy) in a way that feels good to us? Pay attention to the little things; often, our bodies know (and show) what our brains can’t put into words.

The difference between an adequate session and an amazing session comes down to our ability to combine our trust in our boundaries and our intuition; and as we build both better verbal negotiation skills along with paying mindful attention to each moment as we’re exploring, we can bring those into alignment and allow ourselves to take a journey with our partner that transcends the norm.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Everything You Need to Know About BDSM Tests and Kink Levels

It’s basically like a ~sexy~ Myers-Briggs personality test.

By Morgan Mandriota

Hello, my friends: Welcome to the safe space where kinksters, rookies, and all those in between unite. If you’re looking to explore a new fetish, maybe dabble in a few new kinks, or find out what exactly a brat is (…among other things), you’ve come to the right place.

Meet your new trusty sidekick that is low-key the R-rated version of Myers-Briggs: the BDSM test.

For the ~experienced~ kinksters, a BDSM test will help you find something new to try in (or out of) the bedroom. For those who are on the vanilla side looking to dabble into ventures you *might* be into, this test will also help you in all your sexy-time fun. Let’s get into all the details about it and what you can expect.

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What’s a BDSM test?

It’s kind of like a Myers-Briggs test for sexual personality types, says Gabi Levi, a sexpert who runs erotica site Shag Story. But if you’re looking for a more ~solid~ definition, “BDSM tests are typically a list of various sexual acts and attitudes that the test taker ranks on a scale ranging from ‘I’m 100 percent into that’ to ‘Nope. Hard limit, never gonna happen,’” explains sex and relationship therapist Stefani Goerlich.

“You answer questions about what kinds of sensations you enjoy giving and receiving, how much control you like to take or give over in your relationships, and how you feel about various fantasy and role-play scenarios,” says Goerlich.

Some example Qs you can expect to answer:

  • Do you enjoy behaving like a child?
  • Do you love being tied up with zero control?
  • Do you enjoy hunting prey?

Expect to be asked deeper, nonsexual questions because BDSM isn’t only a sexual experience—often times, it requires a high level of emotional intimacy too, says Levi.

What do your results mean?

Once you finish, you’ll end up on a page that shows off all your results, which is basically a list of which BDSM archetypes you align most with on a percentage scale from 0 to 100.

“You’ll receive a list of various power exchange dynamics, ranging from Fifty Shades–style light dominance and submission to master/slave lifestyles as well as more niche interests such as caregiver/little and pet play,” Goerlich explains. “The test then tells you, based on what you expressed an interest in, which dynamics might be most comfortable and enjoyable for you and your partner(s).”

Some of those look like brat and brat tamer, master/mistress and slave, caregiver and little, pet play, etc.

“At first glance, it can seem overwhelming, but BDSM can be so valuable to someone’s sex life, personal life, and emotional growth,” says Levi. “The world of BDSM is so much larger than most people think it is—it reaches beyond ‘dom’ and ‘sub’ archetypes into kinks and scenes that are uniquely specific to a participant’s sexual preferences.” Kind of cool, right?

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Where can I take a BDSM test?

Alright, alright, now everything you’ve been waiting for: how to take this BDSM test. Head on over to BDSMTest.org or MojoUpgrade.com to take the test. They’re two of the best sites around with slight differences.

BDSMTest.org gives you a lengthy list of fetishes and kink dynamics along with a percentage rating of how aligned your answers were with each possibility. (Like, hi, I got 99 percent brat.) This one is probs best if you’re single or just curious about your own tastes.

MojoUpgrade.com is better for seeing how your kinks align with your partners’. It allows couples to separately rate their sexual interests, then at the end, groups everything you both agreed on into a list to explore and play with.

Both options can be really powerful tools to build trust and enhance communication within your relationship, says Goerlich.

Okay, so you took the BDSM test. How will it improve your sex life?

A ton of really amazing ways. For one, “BDSM takes the fundamental ideas of power, play, and pleasure and puts them under a magnifying glass,” says Levi. “By understanding which elements of those fundamentals turn you on and turn you off is going to make you better understand your own sexuality and desires.”

Taking them can also help ease feelings of sexual shame or insecurity. “By taking tests such as these with your partner, you learn so much about what you might have in common but have been too afraid to talk about,” says Goerlich, whose clients often say they feel embarrassed or ashamed of what they want to do sexually.

Plus, who wouldn’t want to gauge sexual compatibility with your partner? Maybe it’s a lil much to pull out a BDSM test on date one, but if we’re asking about love languages and astrology signs, why not?

But remember this: Although BDSM tests can offer amazing insight into your own dream world of kink, they should only be used for inspo. “These are not psychological assessments that have been evaluated for reliability and validity,” Goerlich says. That said, my boyfriend and I can totally vouch for how much fun a BDSM test date night was.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Leather and Aging

by

Let me begin this column with what some might consider a five-letter word that’s taboo: A-G-I-N-G. I’ve been thinking a fair amount about aging lately, especially as it relates to the leather/BDSM/fetish community.

I have written in this column about leather and aging before (in 2001, 2002, and 2007). But two things have prompted me to revisit the topic. One thing was a conversation I had with several other people at the last in-person leather event I attended in 2020. That was the Mr. Twin Cities Leather contest, the evening of Saturday, Feb. 15th. During conversation after that contest, several people were talking about starting a discussion group for leatherfolk of a certain age. “I’m interested,” I said, “please let me know when it gets going.” And then . . . well, we all know what happened next.

The other thing that has prompted me to think about leather and aging was Patrick Scully’s recent virtual show, “The 3rd Act,” presented by Illusion Theater. In this play Scully asks himself: “Can I embrace becoming old, particularly in this ageist society?” Both Scully’s play and the virtual audience discussion that followed were extremely interesting and thought-provoking. Scully talked about the play as something of a work in progress. If he presents it again, I highly recommend going to see it, whatever your age. (At this writing, a video of the virtual audience discussion is still available online at www.illusiontheater.org/the-3rd-act )

Having hung around the leather/BDSM/fetish community for quite a few years, I have seen a lot of what makes this community tick. One thing that makes it tick is respect for age and experience. This respect is, to a great extent, baked into leather culture— the importance and centrality of mentoring in our community’s culture translates to respect for age and experience.

Those of us who are older, including your humble columnist, still have to deal with ageism in other places. But it’s nice to know that in leather we have to deal with it less.

In some ways age is irrelevant in this community—or, at least, age is not as important as other qualities and aspects of peoples’ character. Young, old, and in-between are all respected and accommodated. One interesting thing about leather is that it decouples chronological age and age in the community, also known as experience. A person who might still be considered young chronologically, but who has been in the community for a long time, may mentor a newcomer who is chronologically older. And that’s no big deal—it’s just the way the community and the culture works.

I think elders are respected more in the leather community than in the general culture. We respect our elders for their stories, their wisdom, their experience, their history, and their perseverance. We seek out our more experienced members for discussion panels and for educational presentations on history, culture, and technique. Many younger members of the community truly understand that they have benefited from their elders’ efforts of blazing new trails. We leatherfolk might have something to teach the general culture about anti-ageism.

Here’s a concrete example of anti-ageism in the leather/BDSM/fetish community: I once attended a workshop on the subject of “geriatric dungeons.” First, the fact that “geriatric dungeons” were even being talked about lends credence to the fact that getting older does not have to mean giving up sexual activity or BDSM activity. Second, talking about “geriatric dungeons” is a mark of respect for older members of the community—the community values them enough to want to include them in dungeon play, and the community is willing to adapt dungeon spaces to make this possible. Third, one of the conclusions of the workshop was that creating dungeons that worked better for more mature players actually meant creating dungeons that worked better for everyone, of any age.

Another example of leather respect for maturity: The Knights of Leather, a Twin Cities- based leather club, hosts an annual run called Tournament. The run is held in a beautiful rustic setting. But some of us who once enjoyed “roughing it” by sleeping in rustic cabins are no longer able to do that.

So for many years Tournament has featured the Elderhostel guest house for some of the more mature people attending the run. For these more mature people, the amenities provided by the Elderhostel make the difference between being able to keep attending Tournament and having to give it up. The existence of the Elderhostel also considerably broadens the age range of people seen at Tournament. Here is one measure of the Elderhostel’s success: There is a waiting list to get in.

The same respect for maturity is evident at leather contests. Every year, for example, the contestants at the International Mr. Leather and International Mr. Bootblack (IML/ IMBB) contests represent a wide range of ages. And I think it’s significant that both the first IML titleholder (David Kloss, IML 1979) and the first International Ms Leather titleholder (Judy Tallwing McCarthy, IMsL 1987) are still relevant and still respected. (I recently saw a virtual presentation by the Leather Archives & Museum in which Tallwing McCarthy shared reminiscences. It was fascinating!) And there are other examples of titleholders from many contests who have stayed involved and relevant in the leather/ BDSM/fetish community over many years.

For my final, and perhaps most personal, example of age being respected in leather, I need look no further than the former leather columnist for the Bay Area Reporter in San Francisco, the legendary Mr. Marcus. He started writing his leather column in 1971 and continued writing his column, and judging leather contests, for the next 38 years. He was still active and relevant when he died in 2009 at age 77.

Everyone is growing older—all the time. May we all, of whatever age, have the blessing of growing older and still staying relevant and respected.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to bondage

— and how to introduce the idea to your partner

Curious about bondage, but not sure if it’s right for you? Here’s everything you need to know and more…

by

Bondage: one of the biggest buzzwords in the world of sex, but is it really all whips, chains and latex wearing dominatrix’s in dungeons? 

For those who haven’t delved into the world of bondage before, the thought of it may seem daunting, considering pornographic depictions tend to involve some pretty extreme acts. However, since the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon, public interest in bondage has been on the rise and it seems more couples than ever are engaging in everything from restraints and blindfolds to full-time dominant/submissive relationships. 

Just like introducing your best vibrator into the bedroom, approaching the conversation of trying bondage with your partner can seem overwhelming. But having an open and honest conversation about your sexual fantasies and how you both can bring them to life is easier than you might think. Plus, it could reignite the spark in a sexless marriage or help you bond with your other half.

To help you explore this type of sex play, we spoke to the experts who shared everything you need to know about bondage for beginners, with top tips for introducing the idea to your partner…

What is bondage?

Sex-positive relationships therapist, Sarah Berry, describes bondage as “consensually tying, binding or restraining someone. It’s anything that can restrict movement, whether it’s a dressing gown belt tying limbs to bedposts, handcuffs, a corset or a vacbed”.

Jess Wilde, bondage expert at Lovehoney, adds that bondage falls under the umbrella term Power Play where one partner takes on a dominant role while the other becomes the submissive.

Jess stresses that bondage and rough sex are totally different, and in fact, bondage can be very romantic. “Lots of bondage play is not rough at all and is often extremely slow and sensual. The only similarities between bondage and rough sex are that both acts should be explicitly discussed with clear boundaries agreed upon before play, and you should always settle upon a safe word before either type of sex,” Jess says.

Why is bondage so popular?

While bondage has been around for centuries, thanks to mainstream film, TV and books, bondage is more popular than ever. Research by Durex found that 53% of us see the benefits of experimenting through role-play, sensual massage or bondage.

There are lots of reasons people enjoy bondage, from the general feel-good factor of restriction to the element of power exchange.

“It might be because the restriction feels good in itself, for aesthetic reasons, to carry out a certain action or for power exchange,” says Sarah.

While some people who engage in BDSM might be more involved in the kink community and enjoy going to sex clubs or being flogged in a Christian Grey-style Red Room, for many it’s seen as a fun way to experiment with their sexual partners and strengthen their bond.

What’s more, for many, bondage is about much more than sex. Sex play can be a way to process trauma, reconnect with your body and sensuality, and find a sense of order and purpose in a world that can be chaotic and confusing.  

What are the rules of bondage?

There is really only one universal rule – bondage should always be safe and consensual.

While bondage is a great way to explore your boundaries and discover new realms of pleasure, it’s essential this is done safely and that you and your partner communicate about what you do and don’t feel comfortable trying. 

“A safe word is something the submissive partner (the one who’s restrained) can use at any time to stop play immediately and tells the Dominant partner (the one doing the tying) that they want to be released,” Jess explains. “Your safe word can be anything you like as long as you’ve both agreed on it before play. The best ones are short, easy to say, and easy to remember. It should stand out like a sore thumb in the middle of sex. A personal favorite is “GANDALF!””

When it comes to boundaries, you and your partner should discuss anything you don’t want to happen so they know exactly what is off the table during play.

The restrained person should never be left unattended, even if the Dominant is just leaving the room for a few moments. And restraints should never be too tight that they end up cutting off circulation.

Sarah also advises against drinking alcohol when experimenting with bondage, and as a safety precaution, have medical scissors on hand for a quick way to release restraints if necessary.

It’s also incredibly important to follow up with aftercare when play ends.

“During bondage play, one partner dominates the other, which is super arousing and exciting in that moment but can leave one or both of you feeling uncertain after it’s all over,” Jess explains.

This is known as the sub-drop and can happen when the submissive partner feels the endorphins wear off when playtime has finished and they start to feel lonely or sad.

“Bondage aftercare is the process of reassuring your partner that you care for them. Lots of hugs, loving touches and an open chat about the experience you’ve just shared are great ways to do this,” Jess advises.

How do I talk to my partner about bondage?

Keen to give bondage and try but not sure how to approach the idea with your partner? Sometimes it’s easier to show rather than tell. If your partner is comfortable with it, you could show them videos of the different bondage play you’d like to try out.

Porn for women is a great way to introduce your partner to different types of play for female pleasure, there are also hundreds of YouTube videos explaining the different aspects of bondage that will help open up the conversation with your partner. You can then discuss what you’re both interested in trying and encourage them to share their fantasies with you too.

Once you’ve talked about what you’re both interested in trying, discussed your boundaries and agreed on a safe word, the fun can really begin.

What do I need for bondage?

You can start bondage play using household items like a tie or a dressing gown waist tie as restraints, but if you want to invest in play you won’t be short of sex toys to buy.

The market is full of toys for bondage play, from rabbit vibrators to handcuffs and blindfolds. Brands like Adam & Eve and Love Honey sell bondage sets for beginners which include the basics such as, blindfolds, handcuffs, ballgags and whips.

While you don’t need a kit to get started, it does remove the pressure of deciding what type of restraint to try out first. Handcuffs and blindfolds are a great place to start as they’re easily removed and not too restrictive. Ideal for first-times who may be a little apprehensive about getting stuck in the restraints.

To begin with, Jess advises avoiding rope or bondage tape which can damage the skin if not used correctly. “Instead, opt for soft, Velcro-fastened wrist cuffs that offer comfy, reliable restraint, and can be removed in a jiffy if required,” she says.

“Start small, and focus restraint on one area of the body to begin with (eg wrists OR ankles),” Jess adds. “And, if you both like that, then you can build to more advanced restraint where arms and legs are cuffed at the same time.”

Once you get to grips with the basics and discover what you like, you can explore bondage sex toys further. For instance, if you or your partner are particularly keen on being handcuffed, you can look into other types of restraints such as rope, collars or hog ties.

Feeling comfortable and confident is a sure-fire way to boost your enjoyment, so treat yourself to some new lingerie to get you in the mood, too. It doesn’t have to be leather or latex – choose something that makes you feel sexy, comfortable and ready to experiment.

How do I choose submissive and dominant?

Once you and your partner have decided to explore bondage together, your next thought might be which one of you should play as submissive and which as dominant. But, the brilliant thing about bondage, is you don’t have to be one of the other. Play is for everyone who consents and there are so many ways you can explore bondage, domination and submission.

Don’t let the stereotypical, heteronormative depictions of BDSM put you off from what could open up a whole new world of excitement and self-discovery. It can be fun to switch things up with your partner and play different roles every time.

The world of BDSM is for all sexualities and gender identities, and bondage can even provide a unique sensory experience for those who don’t want to engage in penetrative sex itself.

“How you play is a matter of personal preference. To figure this out, talk with your partner before play and remember: the sub is the one who’s actually in control at all times. Although the dom may guide play, the sub calls the shots, and decides when play is over,” Jess says.

What’s next for your sex life after bondage?

If you’ve enjoyed bondage and want to take things to the next level, Jess suggests adding sensory play into the mix with spanking.

“Spanking can be enjoyed with or without bondage (in the same way bondage can be enjoyed without spanking). Because spanking is still a form of Power Play, it has many of the same rules as bondage in order to keep play fun and safe,” Jess says.

“For couples who’ve agreed they’d like to try spanking, it’s important that you build intensity slowly,” Jess adds. “Start with a light tap, and build how hard you hit to find the right sensation for your sub. Some people like their spanking with some pain, but for many, spanking isn’t painful at all. Lots of people enjoy spanking for the psychological thrill of being dominated or dominating someone.”

Start with your hand first before bringing any toys into the bedroom. “Using your hand enables you to control how hard you spank as you can feel the impact too. If you’re both happy with this and decide you’d like to try using a spanking tool, a beginner-friendly spanking paddle is the best place to start,” Jess says.

When you’re new to bondage the most important thing to remember is that it should be fun! Bondage is play that should be enjoyed by both you and your partner. It should bring a new level of excitement to the bedroom and be a positive sexual experience for you both.

So get those cuffs out, and explore everything bondage and the wider BDSM world has to offer.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How BDSM Can Help With Pandemic Fatigue

By Gigi Engle

We are all experiencing pandemic fatigue. Whether you’re coping well or poorly, you’re still coping. And because the world is drenched in stress, developing effective coping mechanisms has never been more important.

Enter BDSM.

While I hate to bring up the most obvious examples, Fifty Shades of Grey and Netflix’s 365 Days and Bonding have successfully catapulted BDSM into the mainstream and, while seriously problematic in their own ways, these popular Hollywood-style depictions of kink have allowed what was once a seemingly fringe sexual practice to bloom in the open. People are really feeling kink right now. New research conducted by psychologist Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., suggests that nearly half of Americans have tried some sort of bondage or power play in bed.

Considering the psychological dynamics involved in BDSM play, it isn’t a far reach to see how BDSM could help people cope with pandemic stress. Pandemic fatigue is enough to test even the strongest of relationships. Anything (within reason) that can help us cope with stress can and should be utilized right now. Practitioners of kink will be the first to tell you that BDSM reduces stress and anxiety and improves communication—all of which is crucial to maintaining relationships during difficult times. “BDSM play, during this pandemic, would be a great way to achieve decreased stress while creating a delicious distraction to outside-world concerns and an opportunity to work on your relational connection,” Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sexologist, tells TheBody.

Everywhere you look, sex experts are suggesting people try new sex stuff as a way to gain closeness with a partner. Working on increased connection and intimacy is certainly more appealing than relationship estrangement.

Long story short, now is an optimal time to get kinky. It can really change your sex life and open up new relationship dynamics for lots of people. Open your mind, guys. You don’t need to go buy a bespoke corset or a full set of restraints. You can easily tie someone up using a loose T-shirt or spank them with a wooden kitchen spoon. Kink is for everyone and anyone who wants to try it.

What BDSM Is (and What It Isn’t)

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. You may be picturing whips, chains, and ball gags right now. While these tools can be used in this kind of play, they aren’t required. What BDSM really comes down to is control. It’s a desire to give up or receive control over someone. There is something deeply sensual about this giving and receiving—this complete power exchange.

What BDSM is: a safe and consensual sexual practice. What it is not: dangerous and for people who want to cause harm to others.

Let’s get one thing very clear: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to try BDSM. You’re probably just a person with a rich fantasy life—and we should celebrate that. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in BDSM are no more depraved or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else.

BDSM is a really fun way to try out different roles, whether dominant, submissive, or both. It can involve pain or it can not. It’s a totally customizable experience that you get to create with your partner. There is no wrong way to play—as long as everything is negotiated and safe, both physically and emotionally. Communication is a cornerstone of this practice.

Kink and Stress Release

One of the biggest reasons kinky folks love BDSM play is because of its tension-relieving effects. For instance, when you spend all day bossing people around at your day job, it can be very liberating to have a lover tell you what to do or give you a spanking. “Many people enjoy the BDSM lifestyle because it provides them with a way to escape into their ‘happy place.’ It’s been scientifically proven that the endorphins and other neurochemicals released while participating in BDSM are mood enhancers,” Angel Rios, a sexpert at AdultFriendFinder, the world’s largest sex and swinger community, tells TheBody.

We’re in the midst of a pandemic. If a new, fun way of exploring sexuality with your partner can offer up a bit of mental decompression, that sounds like a real win. “BDSM play provides a little escape from reality. A session can take you out of a state of mind which may be focused on survival in troubling times,” Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of the New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a members-only club focused on kink, tells TheBody. “You can focus on yourselves and the pleasures you can derive even in the most hopeless situations.”

Before You Get Started, There Are Some Things You Should Know

Before you go tying your partner up and having a free-for-all, you need to get really clear on the basics of consent and negotiation and commit yourself to doing proper research in advance of trying anything too intense. You don’t want to go spanking someone with the fury of a thousand suns if you don’t know how to properly spank someone in a way that won’t cause damage. Likewise, you don’t want to tie someone to the bed only to realize you’re cutting off circulation to your partner’s hands. These practices are very fun and very safe if done correctly. But, that takes sharpening your skills.

Luckily, the internet can provide plenty of articles, online workshops, and videos to help you on your kinky journey.

Saynt suggests checking out videos and workshops from Jet Setting Jasmine and King Noire, two staples of the kinky community, who have taken their rigorous BDSM skills to the online space. You can also check out Sunny Megatron’s four-part video series on YouTube called BDSM 101. For some reading, check out The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino.

Even the act of learning about BDSM can be a form of foreplay and stress release—and it’ll give you something to do on those particularly dull and frustrating pandemic nights. We’re all a bit on edge right now. Make the most of it, and turn up the heat.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How BDSM Frameworks Can Teach You to Talk About Sex

by Davey Davis

While they might look the same to the untrained eye, BDSM is the opposite of Fight Club: The first rule of BDSM is that you talk about BDSM. A lot.

One of the many things that annoys me about mainstream depictions of kink is how infrequently you see negotiation—the actual conversation—between kinksters in movies and TV. In the real world of BDSM, communicating about what we want to do, how we’re going to do it, and what our limits are before, during, and after a scene is the norm among experienced players—and should be the norm, period. In most mainstream depictions of the subculture, however, we usually see kink without preamble (and often it seems to play out in a world where consent is murky at best).

While non-negotiated kink and non-consensual harm (otherwise known as assault) do occur in the BDSM community—that’s another essay for another time, my friends—these limited and unrealistic depictions portray BDSM as an inherently dangerous activity and lifestyle. But in BDSM, there’s only one bad fantasy: that responsible play can be self-centered, unintentional, and unaccountable to a greater community. When responsible players put that fear aside, kink can be emotionally and physically sustainable as well as, you know, really fucking hot.

To be clear, I have no interest in whitewashing or defanging BDSM. It’s not a mainstream pastime! But what I do have an interest in is making sure that all players, especially new and inexperienced ones, have the tools they need to play and participate in BDSM—and all sex, more broadly—in ways that are the most responsible.

So what does it mean to be responsible about something that, to the uninitiated, might seem so very irresponsible? In the community, we have three helpful acronyms used as shorthands for talking about just that.

SSC—Safe, Sane, and Consensual

The oldest of these three acronyms, SSC can be traced back to the 1980s, when gay S/M clubs were trying to promote what we now call informed consent, both within their circles and beyond.

In broad terms, “safe” means that the risk of any kink activities should be understood by all participants and either eliminated or reduced as much as possible. “Sane” refers to the need to approach these activities in a commonsense way, with all parties able to discern between fantasy and reality (this could apply to mental state as well as to levels of inebriation and/or mind alteration from substances). “Consensual” means that everyone has freely consented to the activities on the menu and can alert other players if that changes at any point during the scene.

The growing popularity of the leather scene within the broader gay community meant that these organizations—namely Chicago’s Hellfire Club and New York’s Gay Male S/M Activists (GMSMA)—needed a slogan that communicated their values to other kinksters as well as to a world hostile to their rising profile. According to David Stein, a GMSMA committee member, the club wanted to differentiate themselves from stereotypes of S/M as “harmful, antisocial, predatory behavior.”

RACK—Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

Around the turn of the Millennium, a new evolution of SSC was born with RACK. RACK is both in conversation with SSC as well as a challenge to it; “safe” and “sane” are subjective terms that don’t mean the same thing to everyone. “I don’t know about you, but most of the BDSM I participate in would not be considered safe,” writes BDSM educator Daemonumx in her newsletter.

A leather associate of mine, Daemonumx shares with me an interest in play that is risky by any standards, and certainly by vanilla ones. No matter how cautious we are, there are inherent risks to these (very fun) activities. This means that RACK suits our purposes better than SSC does.

We go into a scene having educated ourselves, to the best of our ability, about the risks we and everyone involved are taking on; like participants of skydiving, mountain-climbing, and childbirth, we are taking part in something that can be fun, pleasurable, transcendental, or worthwhile without requiring that it be “safe.”

“‘Risk-aware’ means that both parties to a negotiation have studied the proposed activities, are informed about the risks involved, and agree how they intend to handle them,” writes Gary Switch.

In a subculture in which learning is self-taught or taught via apprenticeship, skill share, or workshop, skill-based knowledge is diffuse and often difficult to access, period. Add that to the natural diversity in “risk profiles” and desires, and one size simply doesn’t suit all. Writes Cross for XCBDSM, “RACK puts the responsibility… on the individual. It empowers each person to define their own risk profile.”

Finally, the “sane” in SSC stigmatizes mental illness—something that us paraphiliacs, with our history of pathologization, could stand to be a little more sensitive towards.

PRICK—Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

Which brings us to PRICK, a newer acronym I’ve only seen more of in the last few months. As a player who came up in the time of RACK, at first I was mildly annoyed to discover an acronym that didn’t immediately seem to add anything new to the responsibility framework. But the more I thought about it, the more it began to make sense.

What does PRICK do that RACK doesn’t? It makes a space not only for risk awareness but for personal responsibility regarding the risky choices we make—a useful distinction for a practice that very often exists within an unequal power dynamic. As a masochist, the physical risk I am taking when I submit my body to pain and even damage is much greater than that taken by the sadist wielding it—but the sadist is taking risks too, including the emotional responsibility of potentially harming me, as well as the legal responsibility for that harm should something go awry (not that I would personally involve the authorities, but the possibility of their involvement is one of the unfortunate risks that we take when we play!).

Within the PRICK model, my partners and I go into our scene not only aware of the risks, but with the intention of taking responsibility for our decisions (this does not include consent violations, of course, which are something for which only violators are responsible). There are experiences and even a few kinky relationships that I regret, but where there was consent, I don’t have bitterness or anger. The consent feels empowering, even in retrospect.

The need for acronyms like SSC, RACK, and PRICK conveys the high-maintenance nature of our hardware-heavy lifestyle—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My wish is for this approach to desire to be more normalized in the broader culture, too. While discourse around enthusiastic consent, sex positivity, and #MeToo has attempted to address the need for communication, “vanilla” people, straight or queer, can learn a thing or two about safety, consent, and desire from BDSM frameworks.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The BDSM Test Is the Get-To-Know-Your-Kink Diagnostic

By Kells McPhillips

BDSM is a tidy acronym for a broad range of sexual preferences that relate to physical control, usually broken into six components, “bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism,” according to Ali Hebert and Angela Weaver, professors in the department of psychology at St. Francis Xavier University, writing in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. And it can be a safe, consensual avenue for exploring the kinks that comprise your unique sexual fingerprint. But for the uninitiated, BDSM can conjure images of how it’s portrayed in pop culture—and let’s just say, Fifty Shades of Grey is not it. Sexologists and sex educators say that IRL BDSM is more about communication with yourself and your partner than it is about Red Rooms of Pain. And to get that conversation started, there’s an online BDSM test that can help you safely learn your tastes.

The first version of the BDSM Test launched in 2014 and it—or similar quizzes like the Sex Personality Test —is often used by sexologists and sex educators with their clients. The BDSM Test is free and works by asking you the degree to which you agree with certain statements related to your sexual appetite. Statements include, “I want my partner to serve me and address me as a superior” and, “I like to be dominated, especially in the bedroom.” At the end of the test, takers will learn the degree to which BDSM “archetypes” fit their particular desires. For instance, you may be 67 percent exhibitionist (or someone who enjoys showing their naked body to other people), 42 percent voyeur (someone who enjoys watching sexual acts), or 15 percent switch (someone who alternates between submissive and dominant behaviors).

Taking the test requires you to do some personal reflection, and sex educator Shanae Adams, LPCC, says that it’s this self-examination that makes the test worth taking. “I think this quiz is for everyone who has an interest in learning more about themselves and their sexual appetites,” she says, adding that she often uses it with BDSM-curious clients. “This quiz is also great for generating discussion and providing language [for talking to your sexual partner]. It can help people become illuminated on what they don’t know and give them a direction to explore in regards to what turns them on and makes them feel good.”

“You definitely can’t know where you’re going [sexually] if you don’t have a place to start.” —Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sexologist

Sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW, adds that the archetypes can be particularly enlightening. “This test can help a person understand their kinks and possibly permit them to explore them. I like that the test gives you a scale to choose from [with each statement] and also gives percentages [with your results]. This can help you honor your 10 percent dom and settle in your 80 submissive,” says Howard. “You definitely can’t know where you’re going [sexually] if you don’t have a place to start.”

As with all types of tests that categorize and organize your personality and interests, remember to be flexible and open to the possibility that what revs your engine might not be the same in six months, a year, 10 years. “This is just a test and not a monolithic experience,” says Adams. It also surfaces an a la carte list of options, not a set menu: “If you test high in an area that doesn’t interest you, you don’t have to do that kink. Also in reverse, if you test low in an area that interests you, that doesn’t mean that you can’t explore it,” Adams says. “Use the test as a tool for a jump point, but not as an end-all and be-all.”

There’s a reason the term BDSM encompasses so much: Sex and sexuality are complex. So consider the test an invitation to look deeper—not a box to trap yourself in (unless you’re into that sort of thing).

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Healing Benefits Of BDSM

“Kink Helped My Mental Health.”

By Yasmin Lajoie

Two years ago, 38-year-old Alice* suddenly went profoundly deaf. She lost her job, her boyfriend dumped her and the relentless tinnitus she experienced led her to have suicidal thoughts. “Before I went deaf, I was stable,” she tells me. “I had trauma but I could live with it. With the tinnitus, I wanted to die. It felt like the only option. My mother died by suicide so it felt very familiar. I came so close.”

In order to distract herself from this emotional and physical agony, Alice joined a dating app. It was there that she met a man with whom she started practising BDSM, which she credits with getting her mental health back on track. BDSM – which stands for bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, sadism-masochism – involves enacting scenarios, often in a sexual setting, where there is a power imbalance, generally between a dominant individual (a dom) and a submissive individual (a sub).

The world of BDSM is broad and incredibly diverse, encompassing everything from the use of a blindfold during sex to forms of consensual torture. It’s difficult to define and the concept is marred by misinformation perpetuated by pornography and the media (and Fifty Shades of Grey).

People with an interest in BDSM used to be considered dangerous. The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, described sadomasochism as the “most significant of all perversions” and Wilhelm Stekel, one of Freud’s earliest followers, went even further: he linked it to cannibalism, criminality, vampirism and mass murder. Until the 2013 version of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) – a definitive text on mental illnesses and their treatment – anyone who experienced arousal by atypical stimuli, such as feet or cross-dressing, was classified as clinically disordered, even if the fetish caused no distress or harm.

Despite this, recent research suggests that BDSM does not indicate a disordered mind and that its practitioners have relatively good mental health: they’re less neurotic, more conscientious, less sensitive to rejection and more open-minded. In 2013, a study also found that they report being generally happier than the general population. So does BDSM attract people who are naturally more well-adjusted or does BDSM improve the lives of those who practise it? Does it have the potential to heal those of us who are suffering because of our mental health?

In 2008, a paper was published which said that for most people, practising BDSM could accurately be thought of as a hobby, making it sound as wholesome as knitting or Zumba – just an innocent way to pass the time. However, when I ask around and speak to women on the kink scene, I find that they consider it to be a far more fundamental component of both their identity and their wellbeing.

Dr Gloria Brame is a clinical sexologist, sex therapist and author. “For some people BDSM is a hobby. I think it’s a weird hobby, but okay,” she tells me. “For me, BDSM is a legitimate sexual identity, like being gay. It isn’t about the spanking and the whipping and the chains. I would be a kinky person without any of that. I’d still want to be in charge. It’s who I am.”

“It helps me so much,” Alice explains. “BDSM forces me to question my role as a disabled woman, to question the expectations I have for myself and the expectations society has for me. Vulnerability is not a weakness. I understand that now. I feel empowered through vulnerability.”

For some people BDSM is a hobby. For me, BDSM is a legitimate sexual identity, like being gay. It isn’t about the spanking and the whipping and the chains. I would be a kinky person without any of that. I’d still want to be in charge. It’s who I am. — Dr Gloria Brame

Eevi* is a 24-year-old woman who talks enthusiastically and expressively about BDSM, despite describing herself as a newbie. “I’ve always been a high energy, nervous person. I got into a lot of trouble at school, for not being able to focus, for lashing out. I had anger management issues and was diagnosed with ADHD,” she tells me. “As a teenager, I spiralled, I developed anorexia. Looking back, I think it was a way for me to reclaim control. BDSM is a way for me to reclaim that control in a healthier way. It allows me the possibility of healing from bad experiences, including the rape I endured when I was 18. I’ve known I was sexually submissive from a young age but after I was raped, it took on a deeper meaning.”

“Of course, BDSM is just one of the ways I look after my mental health,” Eevi adds. “I don’t think it should be the only form of self-care, or considered as a replacement to therapy, but it definitely offers a lot of potential to process issues in a constructive way.”

Lucy*, 36, is a psychology student whose own mental health journey has been tumultuous to say the least. In her early 20s she suffered with bad anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia. “I stopped eating and started to waste away,” she explains. “I became addicted to [the benzodiazepine] lorazepam. Everything was just completely fucked up. I had to go into an addiction centre. After I was discharged, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.”

BDSM has always been something she wanted to explore but it was only last year, before the coronavirus pandemic, that she started attending kink events. “In the beginning I would look at people getting whipped and think, Oh my God, why would anyone want that? It looks so painful,” she says, “but then I tried it and I realised that there’s this cathartic element to it. If you’re taking beatings, you’re taking lots of pain…that can be empowering. Afterwards you feel like, Fuck, I’m really strong! It’s like you get your demons beaten out of you. I haven’t had it in a while because of lockdown, and I’m craving it. It’s very strange, it’s like I need it.”

Thirty-six-year-old Charlotte has been part of the kink community since 2015. Reflecting on her time in it and her preconceptions prior to joining, she says: “When I started out, my perception of BDSM was very wrong. I thought it was just a way for women to be used and abused by men. But really, it’s a way for me to communicate what I want and what I like and what I need. I’ve had depression and anxiety for most of my adult life but recently my mental health has been much better and BDSM is one of my coping strategies.”

Charlotte says that BDSM is both “a lot of fun” and that it “makes sex better”. More than that, she says it allows her to escape from her head. “I self-harmed as a teenager,” she explains. “I’m a masochist; I enjoy the pain. BDSM has provided me with a safe space to experience that. It’s no longer self-flagellation. I’m not punishing myself because I don’t like myself.”

For a self-described “overthinker” like Charlotte, being in a space where someone else takes over feels “absolutely magical”.

“I’m constantly worrying about my blood sugar as I have type 1 diabetes,” she says, “but during BDSM sessions, my dom will scan my glucose monitor for me. I don’t have to worry about it. I can stop being vigilant. I can relax. It resets my brain.”

While conducting interviews with these women via video chat, I was struck by how much eye contact they made. We were talking about some of the most intimate aspects of their lives. I was expecting discomfort, maybe even embarrassment. But the women looked me dead in the eye – unflinching, strong, unashamed. It was, frankly, nothing short of inspiring.

“BDSM changed my life,” Gloria says as she smiles and takes a long drag of her cigarette. “I feel like it has been transformational psychologically and emotionally. It radically changed my perspective, my ability to trust people. I used to have secrets I could never tell anyone, shame about my body. I was pounded down by patriarchal society. BDSM is incredibly empowering. My whole life I wanted to do these things that I thought were forbidden. Why would some guy let me boss him around, tie him up, put clamps on his nipples, you know?”

While Gloria is a dominatrix and Alice is a switch (someone who enjoys performing both dominant and submissive roles), Eevi, Lucy and Charlotte all have very submissive tendencies and often engage in BDSM play with male doms. I asked them if they identified as feminists (they all did) and suggested that by letting men hurt them, they could inadvertently be reinforcing sexist and patriarchal norms. As the standard, hackneyed and reductive critique of BDSM goes: It’s men beating the shit out of women, like they have been doing since the beginning of time…

“But you’re exposing the structural inequality,” Eevi explains without hesitating in response to my question. She’s obviously considered this perspective before. “By playing with power dynamics, you’re forced to think about them and communicate about them and it makes you more critical. There are lots of people in vanilla relationships that are very traditional and heteronormative and they avoid thinking about these issues but in a BDSM relationship you have to think about them.”

I’m forced to agree with her. “I think BDSM aligns beautifully with feminism,” says Charlotte in response to the same point. “As a sub, I set the limits. I am in control. I have the power.”

BDSM forces me to question my role as a disabled woman, to question the expectations I have for myself and the expectations society has for me. Vulnerability is not a weakness. I understand that now. I feel empowered through vulnerability. — Alice*

“It’s a big question early on in a submissive woman’s journey; surrendering power to a man can feel patriarchal,” Gloria muses. “On the other hand, that’s what gets you off. There’s something to be said for finding someone who will give you the best orgasms of your life.”

As Charlotte describes to me in detail what she might be (consensually) subjected to during a session, it occurs to me that it is counterintuitive to seek out humiliation, degradation and pain for pleasure. But studies show that physical pain can actually have a profound effect on us. Dr Brad Sagarin, founder of the Science of BDSM research team and a professor of social and evolutionary psychology at Northern Illinois University, has compared the pain experienced to ‘runner’s high’ – the sense of euphoria and increased tolerance for pain that some joggers feel after a long run.

For those participating in BDSM, the pain shrinks the world to the immediate present. Anything beyond the here and now feels irrelevant, even ceases to exist. The stresses of everyday life melt away. And that, for anyone with mental health struggles, is where the relief comes. “BDSM forces you to stay in the present,” Gloria says. “That in itself, even if it’s just for a few hours, is amazingly rehabilitative.”

Sex therapist Kandice van Beerschoten explains further: “There’s good pain and bad pain. Within any sadomasochistic relationship, the masochist has a say in what’s being done to them. It’s going to be controlled, and they’ll have a safe word that they can use if they are no longer enjoying the experience.”

Zayna Ratty is a hypno-psychotherapist, activist and podcaster whose own experiences also support the idea that BDSM can be healing. “BDSM can be used to recover from trauma. Lots of people think you’re re-enacting the trauma, when in fact you’re re-scripting it. The survivor has the power in that negotiation. It’s a powerful tool.”

All this sounds great. So what are the risks?

“There are people who don’t take themselves seriously, who don’t take discrimination seriously, who don’t take consent seriously,” warns Zayna. “If you’re playing with people like that, or with someone who isn’t very experienced, there is a potential for harm.”

“There are serious medical risks too,” points out Kandice. “For example, if you choke someone and you don’t know how to do that, that person could die.” Consent, as ever, is key.

As well as engaging in one-on-one play, many people enjoy the sense of community provided by kink events and the parts of the internet devoted to it. Gloria ran the first online BDSM support group on CompuServe (the first major online service provider) in 1987 and still organises community events. She understands the importance of collective engagement. I ask how her community is coping in corona times. “We miss seeing all our friends, going to classes, playing with new people. We’re on Zoom a lot. A lot of places have had to close down but we are a strong and powerful community; we’ll survive.”

Before COVID-19 hit, London was experiencing something of a kinky renaissance, with events such as Klub Verboten and Crossbreed attracting a younger crowd than might typically be associated with the scene.

Alex Warren runs Crossbreed, the club night and record label. As well as hosting sex-positive raves, Crossbreed has also hosted talks on racism and intersectionality. “The kink community as a whole is quite a caring place,” Alex tells me. “There’s lots of danger hidden within that of course but in general it’s well structured, supportive, nonjudgmental and welcoming.”

I wonder what the consequences of the COVID lockdown might be for kinky people. Neither Klub Verboten nor Crossbreed has received any relief from the government. Even if they do recover financially, will individuals who rely on BDSM as a strategy to cope with stress be able to survive the temporary drought?

“When you’re displaced from your community, that causes isolation, that causes psychological distress,” says Zayna. “We have these feelings of grief. We’re experiencing mass loss. If you’re neurodivergent especially, it’s possible that you might get stuck in complicated grief and find it difficult to navigate through.”

“I really miss the events. At every one I’ve been to, everybody has been really respectful,” says Lucy. “It’s easier to be abusive online. You get some really dark messages on dating apps and [kinky social media website] Fetlife. Men message you talking about rape, saying they hate women, describing all the horrible things they want to do to you. I end up blocking a lot of them.”

I ask Eevi about the scene’s dark side. Has anything untoward ever happened to her? “Once I was having sex with a man and he ripped my panties without asking. I wouldn’t normally mind but they were pretty expensive. That’s like the worst thing that’s happened to me at an event, that I can think of.” Despite that grim encounter, Eevi has no regrets. She sighs nostalgically. “I felt so free at Klub Verboten. It was amazing.”

The benefits of BDSM definitely seem to outweigh the downsides, especially for people like Alice.

“I’m healing,” Alice tells me. “I’m finding energy through BDSM and using that energy to replenish myself.”

*Names have been changed to protect identities

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What You Need to Know About Being a BDSM Switch

It’s like a lil bit of dominant + a lil bit of submissive.

By Rachel Varina

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, domination and submission, and sadism and masochism. This is where the whole dominant (sometimes called a “top”) and submissive (a “bottom”) dynamic comes into play.

“A top is simply someone who leads/guides the scene and the bottom is there to receive the experience,” explains Mistress Rogue, professional dominatrix and headmistress of The Dom House. (The dominant and submissive terms can also be used when there’s a power dynamic as well.)

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And while you might be most familiar with what a dominant and submissive do, there’s another term you might not be as familiar with: a switch. Let’s dive deeper.

What is a BDSM switch?

A BDSM switch is someone who goes back and forth between dominating and being submissive, says Rogue. The dynamic change depends on the mood, circumstances, and the vibe between the partners, she adds.

And while the term is used commonly in the BDSM community, it’s important to note that switching—just like being dominant or submissive—isn’t always sexual. It’s merely about an exchange of power, which could be anything from doing chores to consensually ordering your partner around. What’s done in the bedroom is like an ~added~ bonus.

How do you know if you’re a switch?

If you’re wondering whether or not you’re a switch, the answer is actually pretty simple: Just think about what turns you on.

If sometimes you feel more eager to take control in the bedroom (e.g. riding your partner, tying them up, etc.), and other times the idea of your partner running the show (e.g. spanking you, tying you up, or just managing the positions) sounds better, there’s a good chance you’re a switch, says Rogue.

If you’re still unsure, chatting with your partner(s) can help you figure it out. “It’s about being honest with yourself and with your partners so that you both are receiving as much pleasure from the interaction as the other,” says Florida department of health sexual health educator, Jasmine Akins. “As long as you have partner communication and honesty, you should be able to self-identify.”

What are the perks of switching?

The most obvious perk of switching is having the opportunity to play in different ways with potentially different partners. Not only will it give you more chances for connection (and uh, orgasms), but it will also give you a more well-rounded perspective, which can make you an even better dominant or submissive.

“The best dominants often start as subs and then find their way up to being a top or a dom,” says Rogue. “In fact, this was how I became a dominatrix. I was introduced to BDSM by a dominant, and I learned and built skills knowing what I wanted as a bottom, so I could become a better dom.”

In addition to honing your skills, switching can also be majorly liberating in a mental sense. You can explore different head spaces and free yourself from playing the role you think you have to play during sex, says Akins. This can aid in communication, decrease boredom, and stimulate creativity.

Are there any downsides or risks?

The major concern with switching—other than becoming addicted to it, lol— is making sure everyone is continuously onboard and you’re practicing safely. “Being a switch means learning double safety information for BDSM practices. Keeping everything SSC (safe, sane and consensual) is vital,” she explains.

Any BDSM play can involve risks, which is why things like constant consent and safe words are integral. Partner communication is vital in any sexual situation, but especially if you’re adding some new kinks to the mix.

Finally, just like with any sort of sexual activity, reducing the risk of STI transmission is always essential. “You should be tested whenever you have a new partner, and if you’re in a monogamous relationship, I recommend testing at least once a year,” advises Akins. Utilizing barrier methods is a smart idea for some forms of BDSM play where penetration or fluid exchange is involved.

Now, here’s how to try switching for the first time

If you think you might like to switch up the power dynamics in the bedroom, don’t be afraid to explore those desires, even if they seem like a curveball in your relationship.

“The first step is being interested in it, so don’t feel like you have to be the BDSM king or queen the very first time,” says Akins. “Do your research and ask questions.”

Both experts agree: Educating yourself is key to a successful switch. And luckily, there are tons of resources out there to get you started—just don’t reach for Christan and Ana’s story as a guidebook.

And if your research leads you to believe switching might be for you, let your partner know. While it might seem hot to spring it on them mid-session, it’s actually important to talk things out ahead of time so you’re both on the same page.

Plus, you will need consent to test out a new dynamic. You never know what triggers someone might have, or what emotions might be stirred up within yourself, so communicating throughout (and checking in with yourself) is vital.

Then when it comes time to go at it, take things extra slow.

“If you’re a newbie, feel free to ease into it. You can start with a simple blindfold to heat things up. As you get more comfortable with the idea, you can expand your play options with yourself and with your partner,” suggests Akins.

“The [desire] may develop [or deteriorate] over time, and since this will probably be a pretty different experience for both of you, don’t expect to know right away whether you like the dynamic or not. “It’s okay to try new things, and it’s okay to absolutely adore them or hate them,” Akins says. “It’s your body, and you have the final say. Always.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Kinky Dating Apps to Download If BDSM Is Your Thing

Because being sexually adventurous = totally healthy and normal.

By Anni Irish

A kink is broadly defined as an act or desire that falls outside of the widely accepted normative ideas of vanilla sexual practices—everything from choking, to BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominate/submissive, sadomasochism/masochism), to cuckolding, foot fetishes, water sports, bondage, and more.

And as you can see, there are tonnns of elements that fall within its sexual realm.

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But even though nearly 61 percent of Cosmo readers say they’ve dabbled in some form of BDSM play, there still remains some societal stigma and shame for wanting to be adventurous in and out of the bedroom.

This is exactly what we don’t want, fam. Because being sexually adventurous (in whatever way that means to you) is completely healthy and normal. In fact, it’s highly encouraged in an effort to prioritize your pleasure and what feels good to you.

So if you’re looking to expand your sexual taste—or just see what is out there— sometimes turning to a dating app is the best and easiest way to explore. And whether you’re just looking to spice up your online dating game or you’re fully a master in BDSM practices already, here are six kinky apps to help jump-start your experience.

Just remember, in all forms of sexual contact (kink or vanilla), consent it is always mandatory. Like engaging in any new sexual experience, communicating your boundaries and hard limits prior to beginning is a must.

1. FetLife

When it comes to exploring BDSM and kink in general, FetLife is the go-to for these kinds of activities. (The Canadian-based company literally describes itself as being like “Facebook but run by kinksters.”)

Similarly to other social media platforms, users can create profiles, interact and “Friend” other members, post pics, vids, status updates, and join more specific groups based on sexual interests and kinks. Trust me when I say the free website really allows you to cater your kink experience and find exactly what you want—whatever that may be.

Download here

2. Kinkoo

If you’re looking for a dating app more fetish-specific (think: feet, voyeurism, exhibitionism, etc.), Kinkoo may be the best one for you. In your profile, you can indicate what you’re looking for and how you’d describe yourself, like, say, if you are more of a submissive or dominant. Match with people all around the world for free or upgrade to the VIP membership for $16 per month.

Download here

3. Whiplr

Okay, so the app is pretty clever—I mean, its name doesn’t exactly disguise what the app is intended for, lol. But once you sign up, users are free to choose from a list of over 230 kinks (230!) to add to their profile. The free app also features a chat, video, and call component, similarly to what you may experience on a more mainstream dating app. Use it to find a virtual playmate or to chat it up with other kinksters across the globe.

Download here

4. Kink D

Another app geared toward the fetish community, Kink D is a super sex-positive space for those looking to explore. Whether you’re into BDSM, foot fetishes, or whatever else, odds are, you’ll find a willing partner here. It’s free to download, has a super user-friendly interface, and can help you connect with singles all over.

Download here

5. Kinki

Kinki prides themselves on being super inclusive, especially for folks apart of the LGBTQ+ community. The app, which costs $12 per month, gives you a range of options to pick from in terms of both fetishes and what you’re looking for (whether it be long-term, short-term, or just a hookup.) It also authenticates people’s accounts, gives you filters to search by location, and allows you to Like photos of people as well.

Unfortunately it’s not in U.S. markets quite yet, so this one’s for all of you outside the states.

Download here

6. Feeld

This platform offers a tonnnn of options for gender identity and sexual orientation. And while Feeld has gotten some buzz primarily for those interested in threesomes, it’s also super friendly to those in polyamorous relationships or looking to explore a more kink-friendly lifestyle. If you’re into just dipping a toe into the BDSM waters, this free app is a great sex-positive place to get started.

Download here

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4 Tips For Proudly Introducing Kink Into Your Relationship

By Mary Grace Garis

If during this time in quarantine, you’ve done some sexual exploring about what gets you going—great. Maybe you’ve dedicated some self-care sessions to self-pleasure, had some mind-blowing staycation sex, or taken the BDSM test to explore your NSFW interests. And just maybe, all the sexploration has you wanting to learn how to introduce kink into your relationship as well. If what’s stopping you is a sense of feeling overwhelmed or even embarrassed, stop right there: Sex educators agree that kink is a perfectly healthy and safe form of sexual expression and pleasure, and talking about it with a partner is the first step for removing any level of stigma that may surround it so everyone involved can get to the important part of enjoying it.

Of course, the first step is understanding what kink is. Kink can be construed as a wide variety of consensual sex acts that aren’t vanilla, penetrative, heteronormative sexual intercourse. “Kink is anything that falls outside the bounds of culturally defined expectations, which, because of often wildly puritanical societies, could basically be anything that’s not penile-vaginal intercourse,” sexual-health consultant Francisco Ramirez previously told Well+Good. For some examples, it can include a blindfold, getting tied up, spanking, temperature play, choking, and more. Kink also encompasses BDSM—which stands for “bondage,” “dominance” or “discipline,” “sadism” or “submission,” and “masochism”—which usually involves power play with clear dominant and submissive roles, and sometimes might not even directly involve sex play at all.

Below, Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist with sexual-wellness brand Royal, shares four golden rules for how to introduce kink into a relationship.

4 tips for how to introduce kink into a relationship, according to a sexologist.

1. If you’re afraid to bring it up, say so from the outset

Many of us have to unlearn shame around sexuality, and everyone’s barometer for what constitutes “kink” is different. Before bringing up anything to a partner, know that your interests and preferences are valid. V also recommends coming from a place of vulnerability. “Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you,” says V.

“Getting it out that you’re feeling vulnerable usually invites your partner into holding a compassionate space for you.” —Caitlin V, MPH, clinical sexologist

She suggests saying something along the lines of, “There’s something I’d like to talk to you about, but it’s hard for me because I’m afraid that maybe you’ll think I’m weird. Do you have some time to talk?” or “Hey, do you have the bandwidth to talk about something? I’ve been hesitant to bring it up because I’m scared, but it’s really important to me.”

2. Be specific about what you’re interested in

Since, as previously mentioned, everyone’s barometer for what constitutes kink is different. That’s why clarity about what you want to you want to introduce into your relationship is so important.

“Once the subject is broached, start small. Give examples, and be willing to explain why you’re interested in something,” says V. “When you use the words ‘kink’ and ‘BDSM,’ many people imagine dungeons and ball gags, which make up a small and very extreme percentage of kinky play.”

3. Use mental imagery as a way of approaching the idea

V suggests prompting specific sex plays with images and speaking in hypotheticals to get the conversation going. An example? “Wouldn’t it be fun for us to play with a little spanking?” The idea of you doing that during sex is so hot! Is that something you’d be open to exploring?” And the conversation can (hopefully) flow from there.

“It helps to have done your research and to come to the conversation with specific examples of what you want and why, as well as what the benefits are to your partner,” V says. “If you can clearly articulate a desire and are able to focus on the potential benefits for both of you and your relationship, you are more likely to be met with enthusiasm.”

4. Be prepared for friction, but don’t get hung up on it

According to V, many great partners will hear out your desires, ask any necessary clarifying questions, and want to make them come true so long as they feel safe doing so. However, not everyone will start with a positive reaction. Be prepared for this, and be willing to forgive your partner if their immediate response comes from a place of shame or judgment.

“Remember that there’s a lot of shame around this subject, and their response will be informed primarily by their culture and their upbringing—not by their best selves—unless they’ve already done some personal work on this,” says V. “If they don’t change their tune, and they continue to judge you for your kinky desires, it might be time to show them the door and find a new partner who can give you an enthusiastic ‘yes’ to exploring.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Would you Wear a Male Chastity Belt?

Men’s Chastity Devices: A Closer Look

by MJ Booth

It’s Locktober and that means it’s time to talk about chastity devices for men. Would you let your lover lock you down until you begged for mercy? Is it really safe to trust your equipment to somebody else?

Well, it certainly requires a level of trust and intimacy that the faint of heart don’t have. If you or your partner are wearing a chastity device, then you’ve just made an undeniable display of fidelity and kinkiness.

Male chastity belts can be a fun part of BDSM play. There’s also something about having your sexual power essentially belonging to someone else that thrills and tantalizes the libido. The device is physically constraining, but there is a definite psychological component to the chastity experience, as well.

It’s all about an exchange of power.

A Little History About Chastity Belts

Did you know that chastity belts date back to around medieval times? Crusaders and knights who would ride off to battle would sometimes lock away their lovers’ private parts until they returned safely.

The first historical reference comes from religious texts and a drawing of a metal belt depicted in a book called Bellifortis. It was created by a German military engineer named Konrad Kyeser in 1405. (Figures.)

However, some historians believe that medieval chastity belts were just jokes or purely metaphorical. It wasn’t until the eighteenth and early nineteenth century that people started to put these designs into practical use for medieval reference purposes, pure curiosity, and a bit of kinky fun behind closed doors.

What Do Male Chastity Belts Do?

Male chastity belts didn’t become popular until modern times as BDSM toys. However, male chastity belts and devices are far more popular than female versions. Perhaps that has something to do with the prevalence of more men willing to be in submissive roles, (either gay or straight) within the BDSM community.

Essentially, the male chastity device is designed to prevent a man from obtaining an erection or prevent physical contact with the penis. You can prevent someone from masturbating or having direct sexual encounters involving their penis without the permission of the keyholder.

Is this about trust or delayed gratification? Well, it could be either or both.

There are a few different designs out there, but most fall under two types. There’s the cage design which encases a flaccid penis in some sort of elaborate prison for penises and then there’s the plate design which covers the penis so that it can’t get hard.

Some have traditional lock and key components, but you can get really high tech with male chastity belts now.

Lock Your Lover Down with Your Smart Phone

That’s right. You don’t need a key anymore. Some chastity devices can be locked and unlocked remotely from a smartphone, Bluetooth or Wi-Fi enabled device. That’s certainly a futuristic way to get kinky, but it comes with a new set of dangers.

This is how it works. Basically, the dominant person controls the app. They can monitor the submissive wearer’s time in the cage and unlock or lock them remotely. When engaged, a heavy-duty metal ring closes the device on the user.

Dangers of Digital Chastity Devices for Men

Just imagine if your chastity belt was remotely locked by a hacker or your service dropped out and you couldn’t open it? Well, it might seem like something that would happen in a movie, but fact is stranger than fiction.

A security firm in the UK found this exact type of security flaw in a popular BDSM device called The Cellmate. It’s a chastity lock that’s controlled by an app. The security firm, called Pen Test Partners, found that Cellmate could be hacked and remotely operated. The hackers could then prevent anyone from accessing the device. There’s no manual override or physical key.

To be fair, the Cellmate’s designers made an attempt to patch the security flaw. The company in question Qiui made a note on their Google Play and Apple Store page for users “in order to prevent hacker attacks, please review this 2.1.7 version as soon as possible!! ignore version 2.1.4.”

That’s because the problem stems from an outdated application programming interface (API) that is especially vulnerable to outside override from hackers. One disgruntled reviewer still wasn’t entirely happy with his chastity experience with The Cellmate.

He wrote, “App stopped working. Again trouble. Got already stuck twice when wearing it due to the unreliable app. I should not have spent the money for this. Back to normal chastity.”

Is It Okay to Try Chastity This Locktober?

If you’re new to chastity or you just want to add some kinky fun to your romance, then by all means, take it slow. Try small intervals of chastity and be sure to look closely at reviews before buying any chastity devices or chastity belts.

It can be an enjoyable experience and that builds a powerful bond between dominant and submissive lovers. You might want to carefully consider a physical lock versus a digital app locking device.

Afterall, it’s your junk. You’re just slaving it to someone else for a specific period of time and under a specific set of circumstances. It’s for kicks, but nobody wants to get trapped in their cage while the app updates.

High tech isn’t always the best way to go. Maybe this type of technology isn’t superior to the good old fashion BDSM devices. At least you can be sure that only your dom can lock you down.

Ultimately, it’s up to you. But be safe and have fun.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A beginner’s guide to trying BDSM for the first time

How would you even bring it up with your partner?

By Natalie Morris

For total beginners. the world of BDSM can seem incredibly intimidating and miles out of your comfort zone – but there simple ways to ease yourself into it, if you’re curious.

If you only have the vaguest sense of what BDSM actually is, you might ask yourself a number of questions before you give it a try: How can I be dominant? Do I want to be submissive? What equipment will I need? How do I bring this up with a partner? How ‘kinky’ should I be?

As with any sexual exploration with a partner, the key thing here is communication. Talking to your partner about your desires, their desires and what both of you do and don’t want, should be the starting point for exploring BDSM.

Once you’ve covered that conversation, it can be hard to know where to actually get started, and hard to build up the courage.

But, if you’re interested in giving BDSM a try from a novice perspective, the sexperts at Satisfied Box are on hand to answer all of your awkward questions:

What is BDSM?

This is, of course, the first question that needs to be answered.

There is a bit of a debate on exactly what this four-lettered acronym means:

  • B&D – Bondage and Discipline
  • D&S – Dominance and Submission
  • S&M – Sadism and Masochism

The first thing to acknowledge is that just because you’re interested in BDSM, it doesn’t mean you need to practice all of the above. You certainly can, if you would like, but BDSM involves engaging in any one or more of these elements.

‘The way you choose to practice BDSM depends entirely on your, and your partner’s, preferences,’ say the sexperts. ‘No two dynamics are the same, and communication will be an integral part of your kinky endeavors.’

Communication, trust and consent

Communication isn’t the only important thing between you and your partner, you also need a great deal of trust and, of course, consent.

The Satisfied Box sexperts explain that there are a couple of community guidelines that stress the necessity of these concepts:

  • RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink)
  • SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual)

‘Regardless of what tools, toys or techniques you choose to experiment with, we can’t emphasise enough just how important these guidelines are,’ they add.

‘Whilst many (especially beginners) will engage in a considerably light and playful form of BDSM, it’s important to understand that there are risks of both physical and mental harm when engaging in this erotic practice.’

How to talk to your partner about BDSM

Despite the fact that our significant other should be the one person we can talk to about anything, deep down we all know it’s not that simple.

‘It can be incredibly daunting to bring up an interest in something that society is typically judgmental about,’ the sexperts tell us. ‘Especially with the one person you never want to be judged by.

‘If you want to try out some BDSM, however, communication is the first step. After all, the most successful relationships rely on honest, compassionate communication.’

They explain it like this – if you already have a poor level of trust with your partner, you probably shouldn’t engage in BDSM anyway. If you have a good level of trust with your partner, then (although it may still seem daunting) there should be no issue in making them aware of your fantasies and desires.

‘Bringing this up doesn’t have to mean straight-forward verbal communication, if this feels way too scary,’ the experts add.

‘You could leave them a saucy note, or watch a particularly kinky film together,’ suggest the sexperts.

‘You could even begin by asking them if they have any unexplored kinks or fantasies themselves. Who knows, they might even suggest BDSM first.

‘Just remember that for BDSM to work, it’s essential that both parties are interested and no one feels pressured into doing something they don’t want to do.

‘You both need to be incredibly open with how you feel and what you want – before, during and after.’

Introducing BDSM to your relationship

If you’ve got past the most difficult stage – bringing up your desire in the first place – you now need to work out exactly how to introduce BDSM into your relationship.

The sexperts say that it is important to stress that BDSM doesn’t have to involve the cliché latex outfits and whips, let alone anything as dramatic as sex dungeons or humiliation (although this is all perfectly acceptable if you’re both into it).

‘In fact, it’s more than likely that, if assessing your regular sexual habits, you have already engaged in a little BDSM already,’ they explain.

‘Do you and your partner ever like to pin each other down during sex? Or maybe scratch and bite at each other a little, or even experiment with some light spanking? All this falls into the considerably broad category of BDSM, albeit very lightly.

‘If you do any of the above, a natural progression should be quite clear. You shouldn’t rush anything. There’s no need to jump to the extremes straight away.

‘If you like pinning each other down, why not try tying each other up? If you like a bit of spanking and biting, why not try a bit of hair pulling, or even just spanking and biting a bit harder.

‘Just make sure that everyone involved is consenting, and that you have a safe-word prepared just in case things get a bit too much.’

And remember – you definitely don’t have to try BDSM. If the idea of it is just way too intimidating or stresses you out, it is fine to decide that it isn’t for you. It doesn’t make you a ‘prude’ or unadventurous.

Similarly, if you try BDSM and realise that you’re not enjoying it, or you change your mind, it’s also fine to stop and never try it again.

Trying new things in the bedroom should come from a place of pleasure and security, you should never feel pressured to do anything.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex in quarantine?

Expert advises BDSM during coronavirus pandemic

Grab your 6-foot paddle and throw on your gas mask

By Ana Valens

As some U.S. states ramp up their (premature) reopening process, quarantine horniness is reaching a climax. But sex-havers have a question for the sexperts: How can you fuck as safely as possible during the coronavirus pandemic?

One sex therapist has an answer: BDSM.

“Get really educated about kinky sex,” sex therapist Rae McDaniel told the Chicago Tribune. And for the newly kinky, McDaniel stresses BDSM isn’t just about sadomasochism and domination and submission. Consider, for instance, blindfolds and feathers.

“Kink or sensation play means taking into account all of your sensations and really amplifying those,” McDaniel said, including “sensory deprivation, which is very sexy and has been happening for a long time.”

McDaniel’s advice comes from a larger primer by the Chicago Tribune on sex during the coronavirus pandemic and navigating its risks. Kissing, for example, can be a high-risk activity during foreplay. Instead, McDaniel suggests massages, cuddling with faces apart, dirty talk, sexting, and the lewdest of all: holding hands.

They also advise people with more than one sexual partner to be fully open and honest about their sexual interactions with others. Communicating your sex life with others may sound TMI, but it’s all about providing your partner with enough information for informed consent.

“I think folks in the polyamorous community might have a leg up on more monogamous folks these days because they’re used to over-communication about consent and safer sex practices,” McDaniel said. “I think it’s the same principle for dating in the time of COVID. Any sort of romantic, or sexual, or even proximity connection should be disclosed to the other people in your life so that they have the opportunity to determine their own risk comfort level.”

As for sex itself, McDaniel recommends positions that aren’t face-to-face, such as anal sex or doggy style. You can also minimize contact between bodily fluids by altogether avoiding genital penetration, such as fingering your partner or giving them a handjob. And, of course, dental dams and condoms are always worth having around to prevent coronavirus transmission and STIs.

But you really shouldn’t have sex with people outside of your quarantine pod. Public health expert and former FDA official Dr. Charlene Brown said sex should still be off the table with strangers and roommates, as there’s a high chance of being infected with COVID-19 even if you’re hooking up with someone you live with.

“If just being within six feet of one another and breathing is enough to transmit the virus, imagine how much the risks are multiplied during proximity of any form of physical sex,” Brown told the Tribune. “Thinking about catching a virus the entire time you’re being intimate with someone doesn’t sound too sexy to me.”

Then again, bugchasing is a thing, and rumors about “coronavirus parties” have circled across the internet for the past few weeks. So as sound as Brown’s advice may be, the people will do as they do.

But if you want to have sex and don’t want COVID-19, Brown has one piece of advice: disinfect everything. And by everything, she means everything.

“If you have sex despite the COVID-19 risks, disinfect everything: sex toys, countertops, bed frames, bathroom, or anything else that you and your partner might have come into contact with before, during and after sex,” Chicago Tribune reports. “After sex, Brown says to wash your bedding and clothes too. She recommends quarantining and considering COVID-19 testing.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!