As some U.S. states ramp up their (premature) reopening process, quarantine horniness is reaching a climax. But sex-havers have a question for the sexperts: How can you fuck as safely as possible during the coronavirus pandemic?
“Kink or sensation play means taking into account all of your sensations and really amplifying those,” McDaniel said, including “sensory deprivation, which is very sexy and has been happening for a long time.”
McDaniel’s advice comes from a larger primer by the Chicago Tribune on sex during the coronavirus pandemic and navigating its risks. Kissing, for example, can be a high-risk activity during foreplay. Instead, McDaniel suggests massages, cuddling with faces apart, dirty talk, sexting, and the lewdest of all: holding hands.
They also advise people with more than one sexual partner to be fully open and honest about their sexual interactions with others. Communicating your sex life with others may sound TMI, but it’s all about providing your partner with enough information for informed consent.
“I think folks in the polyamorous community might have a leg up on more monogamous folks these days because they’re used to over-communication about consent and safer sex practices,” McDaniel said. “I think it’s the same principle for dating in the time of COVID. Any sort of romantic, or sexual, or even proximity connection should be disclosed to the other people in your life so that they have the opportunity to determine their own risk comfort level.”
As for sex itself, McDaniel recommends positions that aren’t face-to-face, such as anal sex or doggy style. You can also minimize contact between bodily fluids by altogether avoiding genital penetration, such as fingering your partner or giving them a handjob. And, of course, dental dams and condoms are always worth having around to prevent coronavirus transmission and STIs.
But you really shouldn’t have sex with people outside of your quarantine pod. Public health expert and former FDA official Dr. Charlene Brown said sex should still be off the table with strangers and roommates, as there’s a high chance of being infected with COVID-19 even if you’re hooking up with someone you live with.
“If just being within six feet of one another and breathing is enough to transmit the virus, imagine how much the risks are multiplied during proximity of any form of physical sex,” Brown told the Tribune. “Thinking about catching a virus the entire time you’re being intimate with someone doesn’t sound too sexy to me.”
Then again, bugchasing is a thing, and rumors about “coronavirus parties” have circled across the internet for the past few weeks. So as sound as Brown’s advice may be, the people will do as they do.
But if you want to have sex and don’t want COVID-19, Brown has one piece of advice: disinfect everything. And by everything, she means everything.
“If you have sex despite the COVID-19 risks, disinfect everything: sex toys, countertops, bed frames, bathroom, or anything else that you and your partner might have come into contact with before, during and after sex,” Chicago Tribune reports. “After sex, Brown says to wash your bedding and clothes too. She recommends quarantining and considering COVID-19 testing.”
And she’s just released a new film that we can all watch for free – this time, it’s exploring BDSM and fetish through a mini series of short films. Titled ‘Safe Word’, the series will examine common misconceptions and myths about kink and educate BDSM beginners. And as well as teaching us all some important BDSM truths, it’s super hot masturbatory material, of course.
Starring Mona Wales and Mickey Mod, ‘Safe Word’ follows Mona’s character Christie as she explores BDSM for the first time after meeting her new neighbour Mickey, a well known adult actor. After witnessing him dominating a blindfolded woman in his apartment one night, Christie enlists the help of Madama Opal to explore on her own.
The series will follow Christie as she experiences voyeurism, solo play, a fetish session and a BDSM party. Be prepared to have your preconceptions about BDSM proven wrong, and to be shown just how sexy communication, consent and respecting someone’s boundaries can be.
“BDSM still has a stigma attached to it and its explorers in our mainstream culture,” Erika explains. “People who enjoy kinks are often seen as perverse, mentally sick, or victims of past trauma. However, when referring to BDSM we are mainly talking about a healthy, sexy culture of communication and awareness in sex.
“Whether you’re into it or not, I believe it can be a powerful learning tool for everyone on how to discuss boundaries beforehand as well as to stay in tune with each other during any other type of sexual relationship.”
Once you’ve devoured episode one, you’ll be able to watch the remaining episodes at LustCinema as they’re released every Friday until July 10.
Even as BDSM comes to popular light via media portrayals and increased openness about intimate habits and preferences, much about the sexual practice remains misunderstood and incorrectly presumed to be negative and abusive—especially in those media portrayals. This is perhaps most recently depicted in that degrading scene in Hulu’s Normal People, when protagonist Marianne asks her sexual partner—who had bound her wrists and was taking naked photos of her—to stop, and he refuses, reminding her “you asked for this.”
Despite vignettes like those that mischaracterize the intended nature of the sexual act practiced by a dedicated community, fact remains that BDSM can absolutely be a satisfying, safe, consensual, and healthy component of a fulfilling sex life. But if you’re curious about learning more about what it actually entail and perhaps experimenting with it yourself, knowing where to start can be daunting. To break down BDSM for beginners, Jess O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist and host of the Sex with Dr. Jess podcast, says the basic definitions are most important to learn first. And we’re talking absolute basics, beginning with what it actually means.
“While BDSM encompasses a wide range of sexual activities, practitioners tend to play complementary roles that involve some degree of power differentials,” says Dr. O’Reilly, referencing roles of “dominant” and “submissive.” “Activities are underscored by the consent of all parties involved, and BDSM can be a part of healthy, normal, and safe sex play.”
To help you learn the ropes of the sexual practice before you break out the literal ropes, Dr. O’Reilly shares her four components of the BDSM for beginners below. Whether you’re curious to give it a try yourself or simply want to know more, you’re going to want to take notes.
BDSM for beginners: 4 basics ground rules everyone should know.
1. Know what BDSM stands for
BDSM describes sexual play that involves some exchange of power or pain, with different people involved subscribing to different roles and dynamics within the scope of the session. Broken into its singular letters, BDSM stands for individualized terms: “bondage,” “dominance” or “discipline,” “sadism” or “submission,” and “masochism.” Sometimes the terms are grouped together in pairs, with BD referring to bondage and discipline, DS standing for dominance and submission, and SM referring to sadomasochism.
2. Know the meaning of R.A.C.K.
R.A.C.K. stands for risk-aware, consensual kink. This basic phrase outlines two of the essential components of kink while still recognizing that there is some risk inherent to all sex play. For instance, if you’re interested in trying wax play with your partner, you don’t want to just take a jar candle named Lilac Breeze, light it, and go to town. Rather, you want to get consent for the activity, outlining together how to execute it as safely as possible, and noting the risks involved that you are both fully aware of. Because even unintentionally giving your partner a third-degree burn or ripping off chunks of their body hair will almost certainly take you both out of the experience.
“For kinky sex to be considered risk-aware, all parties involved must understand and acknowledge the potential negative outcomes of the proposed activity.” —sexologist Jess O’Reilly, PhD
“For kinky sex to be considered risk-aware, all parties involved must understand and acknowledge the potential negative outcomes of the proposed activity,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “These risks should be discussed ahead of time—not in the heat of the moment when sexual tension is already building. It is important to address the measures you plan to take to minimize risk when your mind is clear and your judgment isn’t clouded by desire or other distractions.”
3. Consent in BDSM is paramount
Before engaging in sexual activity of any kind, you always, always need consent. “To be considered consensual, all parties involved must be capable of expressing their explicit and informed consent,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “The absence of protestation does not amount to consent, and the clearest way to secure consent is to ask. Similarly, the most straightforward way to provide consent is to offer an enthusiastic and genuine ‘Yes!’”
Dr. O’Reilly adds that an important component of BDSM beginners should know is that consent is the cornerstone of all kinky activities, and it needs to be granted before and throughout every individual session. “Do not assume that because a lover wanted to be tied up and rough-handled last Saturday night, that they also want to be bound and spanked next Thursday morning,” says Dr. O’Reilly. “You always have the right to withdraw your consent at any time without explanation, regardless of what you may have agreed upon in the past.” This is precisely what Normal People got wrong about BDSM in the case of Marianne’s incorrectly assumed consent.
4. It’s important to check in on safety
Even if elements of distress are an intentional component of a consensual BDSM scenario, you absolutely want to check the emotional and physical safety of your partner(s) and yourself throughout the experience, continually confirming comfort on both fronts. An “are you okay?” can suffice, but you can also establish a safety word or non-verbal cue to communicate your status.
“For instance, two light taps can reassure your lover that you’re feeling good,” Dr. O’Reilly. “You’ll also want to check in to establish that your partner’s physical safety is secured. If you’ve tied them up, you should check the skin under the bondage equipment to ensure that their circulation isn’t obstructed. If you’ve been spanking them, you’ll want to check in and make sure that the pressure isn’t too much for them to handle.”
And, remember, no matter whether you intend to put these basic foundational guidelines about BDSM for beginners into any kind of action or not, simply knowing about them is key for destigmatizing the sexual practice for those who do. And that alone is helpful in perpetuating a more inclusive understanding about pleasure and how we each experience it.
We wish it were that easy to tell our partners about our fetishes. But sometimes, the confidence takes a back seat, and we end up breaking in sweats, dismissing the idea of opening up to our partner. Don’t worry; if you have experienced such a moment, it is completely understandable. This is something that does require courage as you are opening up about something that you are vulnerable about. So to help you, here are a few ways that you can talk to your partner about your fetishes.
1. Communicate Your Trust
It is best to tell your partner that you find this topic sensitive, and it has taken a lot of courage to be open about it. You can also tell your partner that you trust them, but there is a small part of you that fears that you will be judged. This way, you are letting them know about your insecurities of being perceived differently, and you are hoping that they will be more mindful of their words.
2. Start Small
While you may have the kinkiest fantasies, you may also want to go slow when it comes to revealing them and see how your partner is accepting the news. Moreover, try not to joke about it to make the situation light. There was a time when I was so nervous about telling my partner about my sex-adventures that I added, “Just kidding!” at the end. This further confused my partner. So it is best to leave the jokes aside and talk about it in a simple manner by revealing your least kinky fantasies first and then breaking the big ones once your partner is in the zone for it.
3. Try Mutual Disclosure
If you are feeling a little overwhelmed, try asking your partner to talk about his/her fantasies so that you can feel comfortable disclosing yours. This way, you will feel more confident in revealing your fetish to your partner. If you want, you both can try writing it down, and then exchanging notes.
Just like all of us experience emotions in our unique way; similarly, our sexual experiences are also unique to us and having a fetish is completely normal. Don’t worry; your partner will be understanding of your desires in bed. Besides, it never hurt anyone to be creative in the bedroom, with consent!
Many romantic partners are quarantined in separate homes, and online think pieces are falling all over themselves to teach us how to sext and how to plan the perfect long-distance date. While some couples can keep their relationships afloat by flinging the occasional nude into the cloud, those who crave consensual power exchange have been left to fend for ourselves.
Maybe you and your partner have an established kink dynamic. Maybe you’re tired of whispering, “Sit on my face,” into the phone and you’re yearning for variety. Maybe you swiped right on a BDSM-loving babe and have decided to be her Zoom daddy for the foreseeable future. Good news: there are no geographic limits to being a kinky slut, and I’m willing to lend you my perverted imagination.
First, some definitions: BDSM is acronym that can be broken down into three parts — B&D (bondage and discipline), D/s (dominance and submission) and S&M (sadism and masochism). BDSM falls under the larger “kink” umbrella, which includes any “unconventional” sexual practice (whatever that means for you) and consensual power play. Kink and BDSM don’t always involve sex. I’ve included some long-distance kink ideas that involve sexual stimulation and others where the orgasms are optional.
Safety First
You can’t shove your sweetie’s face into the mattress and flog them into next year while social distancing, but that doesn’t mean you should ditch your safe word. Since long-distance kink is often verbal, you’ll have an opportunity to discover fantasies that live in the deepest, most fucked up recesses of your mind (fun, huh?). You’ll both feel safer exploring that space if you have a word that lets your partner know it’s time to tap out.
Distance also requires us to reframe aftercare, which is how kinky people refer to the time and attention we give to each other when we’re coming down from an intense physical and/ or psychological experience. Aftercare typically involves touch. In a virtual kink scenario, aftercare might look like a verbal debrief of the roleplay you just enjoyed. It might involve sending each other calming playlists or Facetiming while you share videos of labradors learning how to surf. This won’t feel like the IRL aftercare you may have experienced before, so you’ll have to experiment (and communicate) to meet each other’s needs
Once you’ve discussed safety and boundaries, you’re ready to dive in.
Use Your Words
Since you’re not sharing a physical space, you’ll have to do some storytelling to get each other off. Talk about a kinky experience you shared pre-quarantine. List the vicious things you’d do to each other if you were in the same space now.
Do you or your partner have particular words or phrases that get you into a kinky headspace? Maybe you like to be a “good girl” or a “slut.” Maybe your partner likes to be called “Daddy,” “Mistress” or “Sir.” Sometimes a simple “please” is all it takes to thrust someone into power play mode. If you’re experimenting with a new person or if you don’t already know your partner’s kinky buzzwords, ask! Make a list. Use them with abandon.
Role Play
Role play is often rooted in power play, and this is an ideal time to stretch your fantasies to their creative limits. Is teacher/ student role play your thing? Assign your student a book report. Grade it. Make them spank themself on video chat for each grammatical error. Does doctor/ patient play turn you on? Turn your Zoom meeting into a telehealth appointment. I know you have latex gloves.
Follow Instructions
Kink is full of instructions (“Stay still;” “Get on your knees;” “Be a good boy”). Instructions can fuel a kinky video chat or phone call, but they can also keep your heart pounding throughout an entire day. Experiment with immediate demands (“Take a photo of your ass right now and text it to me”), daily tasks (“I want you to polish all of your boots every morning while I watch”) or hourly tasks (“I want you to masturbate every hour on the hour, but don’t let yourself have an orgasm”). Raise the stakes with rewards and punishments.
Practice Orgasm Control
Orgasm control can involve forcing, delaying or denying a partner’s orgasm as a form of power play. When you’re not in the same space, you can control a partner’s orgasms verbally (“You’re not allowed to come until I give you permission”) or physically using an app-compatible sex toy or chastity device.
We-Vibe makes multiple toys (including vaginal toys, butt plugs and underwear vibes) that can be operated from a cell phone. These toys are powerful and versatile, but they’re definitely pricey. If you have the funds to order one, you can wear it throughout the day and let your partner control it all day long. After a full day of edging, your evening phone sex will be electric.
Chastity devices prevent the wearer from receiving sexual pleasure. Chastity cages are designed for penises and are available at most sex toy retailers, and the more flexible options can be safely worn for long periods of time. Most of them allow the wearer to use the bathroom even when they’re locked in, so you can instruct your sub to stay in their cage all day. Chastity belt options for folks with vulvas are fairly limited, but I found some hot options on Etsy (just be aware that you won’t be able to pee while wearing one of these and plan accordingly).
Send Snail Mail
We’re in the midst of a pandemic, so it’s not the best time time to mail your worn, wet underwear your your long-distance darling. That said, receiving any form of mail that’s not a bill feels exciting, especially right now, and there are plenty of other physical objects that can make your long-distance play feel a little more personal. Send your partner a sex toy from your local sex toy store. Tell them you want them to use while you watch on video chat. Mail your sub a collar. Send lingerie or leather or latex and demand a photo shoot. Handwrite erotica. Make something that fulfills a roleplay fantasy (perhaps your student needs a report card?).
Let Someone Else Do The Work
Sex workers have been hit hard by Covid-19. The risk of infection has made in-person work dangerous for sex workers and their clients, and many people in the sex industry don’t qualify for unemployment or other government relief funds. Now is the time to pay sex workers for their expertise! Buy your partner an online domination session. Purchase a video clip from your favorite domme’s website or OnlyFans page. You’ll be supporting a worker whose livelihood is in jeopardy, and you’ll be getting hot content in return (and if you have extra dollars to spare, donate to your local sex worker relief fund or SWOP chapter).
Plan for Your Kinky Future
Long-distance power play is possible, but you can’t exactly fulfill someone’s kidnapping fantasy while remaining six feet away. When social distancing no longer keeps you and your partner apart, what do you want to do to each other? Create a kinky wish list of spankings and rope bondage and play parties. Looking forward to future exploits might help you stay grounded while you wait for the world to be closer to normal. We have no idea when that will be, but at least we can stay wet while we wait.
In the middle of a sex session, your partner starts spanking your butt. Or they capture your wrists in one hand and hold them overhead. Or you tie a scarf across their eyes and order them to lie still and await your next move. So long as you both consent, these are all forms of a type of sex play called BDSM—or bondage, dominance/discipline, sadism, and masochism.
Thanks to the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise, people have a very skewed vision of what BDSM is, sex and relationship educator Jess O’Reilly, PhD, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast, tells Health. Rather than a kinky and shadowy sex practice, BDSM is more about mutual pleasure-focused power and/or pain exchange. It puts one person in the dominant role and the other person becomes submissive; having total control can be arousing, and having no control can be as well.
“BDSM encompasses a wide range of sexual activities, but all activities are underscored by the consent of all parties involved and can part of a healthy and pleasurable sex life,” says Dr. Jess.
The best thing about giving BDSM a try (or exploring what you already know) is that you don’t need to learn a whole new set of sexual skills. “Almost any old sex position can kinked up with a prop like scarf, ice cub, a blindfold, or verbal exchange of power,” says Dr. Jess. Establish a safe word with your partner, set boundaries and limitations, and give these BDSM positions a go.
Tied to the bed missionary
This modest missionary upgrade is the easiest way for beginners to get a taste of BDSM. Grab a scarf, then lie on your back with your arms stretched overhead. “If you have a headboard with slats or a four-poster bed, your partner can secure your hands to the bed with the scarf,” Gigi Engle, certified sex coach and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, tells Health. Otherwise, they can use it to tie your hands together, she says.
Make sure two or more fingers can fit between your wrists and the fabric (so the scarf isn’t so tight it starts to hurt), then have your partner get on top of you, using only your body and voice to guide them. If it feels good to not have total control, keep going and enjoy the pleasure. If the idea of being tied up during sex freaks you out but you still want to sample that lack of control, keep your untied hands behind you and resist the urge to use them or even sit on them, suggests Engle.
Rough rider
This woman-on-top position kicks things up a notch in the pain department. “Fingernails, teeth, and toenails are a non-threatening way to introduce some pain and sensation play into the bedroom,” says Dr. Jess. Hop on top of your partner face to face, then get into a sexual rhythm that feels good.
As you ride, encourage your partner to run their nails up and down your inner thighs or across your breasts…or lean into them so they can nip your outer ear, nick, or nipples. Have them start off with just a slight pressure, then increase things to the point where you feel a little pain mixed in with the pleasure of getting closer to orgasm.
“Teeth and nails are great because your partner can vary the level of intensity—from barely there to deep enough to leave possessive marks on their body,” says Dr. Jess. (But if things start to hurt and you don’t like it, use your safe word to stop them.)
Oral without orgasm
This oral sex position involves you partner going down on you and working you up to the precipice of a big O…then dialing things down so you don’t actually climax. Also known as edging, it’s a BDSM sex move requiring no sex toys or accessories and is all about teasing your partner to the brink of orgasm but denying that release, Kait Scalisi, MPH, certified sex educator and founder of Passion by Kait, tells Health.
How to start: Lie on your back or belly, if you prefer getting oral from behind, and have them go down on you. Let them know you want them to bring you to the edge but not actually climax, and enjoy submitting to their control of your pleasure. (At some point you’ll need that release, but try to hold out as long as you can.)
Blind doggy
Blindfolds are the perfect BDSM prop. “The simple sensory deprivation creates a cauldron of erotic anticipation and will keep you guessing as to where your lover will plant your next kiss, lick, or spanking, says Dr. Jess, putting them in control. If you’re not ready to invest in an actual blindfold, a tie, stockings, or bandana are all good substitutes.
While blindfold sex can be hot in any position, Engle recommends trying it via doggy style. Climb onto the bed, then get into position on all fours. “Your partner will be able to tease and touch you from any direction, but you won’t be able to see them coming, which adds an anticipation and a stranger-danger element to the play…which can be very exciting,” she says.
Sensation-al spooning
“Sensation play” is about using different textures, temperatures, aromas, sounds, sights, flavors, and moisture levels to “arouse the brain and body in new ways,” says Dr. Jess. The props and toys you can use vary a lot but include “anything from fur, feathers, silk, satin, and cotton balls to leather, hot wax, water, and ice cubes,” says O’Reilly. The goal is to either dominate your partner sexually by driving them wild with these new sensations…or submitting to your partner’s control and the pleasure these new sensations bring to you.
After discussing props you’re both okay with and taking them into the bedroom, lie on your side in the spoon position—so you won’t see your partner but they have access to your front and back, depending on where they plan on teasing you. Await the sensations that are about to come, and enjoy. Whether it’s an ice cube running across your nipples or feathers teasing your vulva, you’ll start to feel shivery and excited. Then, turn the tables and surprise your partner with a whole different kind of sensation, and relish being dominant and in charge of their pleasure.
Professional dominatrixes see that all sorts of people want to be dominated.
You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes to get started. All you need are your words, according to Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix.
Not all of us have leadership roles at work, but at some point, we’ve given an order.
We’ve told someone where to sit, where to hang their coat, to stop talking and listen. We’ve asked people to bring napkins to our parties, to pick up groceries on the way home, to turn down the thermostat.
You may not consider yourself a sexually dominant person, but you’ve probably made things happen by asking for what you want. Have you ever texted someone “come over tonight ;)” and had them show up at your door ten minutes later? Said “kiss me” and then found yourself kissed?
Yet the idea of being dominant in the bedroom, especially for women, can still seem strange since it goes against everything we’re taught. We must be fair, things must be equal, we must take care of the other person, we must make sure everyone else’s needs are met before ours.
Being dominant in bed doesn’t just mean being on top. It means knowing why you’re there and being bold about pursuing your pleasure.
Professional dominatrixes are the first to scoff at the idea that all men enjoy being dominant in bed and all women enjoy being submissive. They see firsthand that all sorts of people long to be taken out of the driver’s seat.
Here’s how to reexamine the idea of taking control in bedroom, putting the power dynamic in your favor.
Dominating isn’t the same as being cruel or mean
“One of the most common misconceptions surrounding a woman taking a dominant role is the assumption that she needs to be a display cruel behavior towards others, for the sake of her own gain or pleasure, and without consideration for their safety or well-being,” said Mistress Ava Zhang, a New York City-based professional dominatrix. “That is not dominance but rather narcissism bordering on sociopathy.”
Taking the lead in bed doesn’t mean being a sadist or demeaning your partner. It doesn’t mean you have to change who you are. You’re simply connecting with a powerful side of yourself that was always there, and sharing it with a person who wants to make you happy. It’s about closeness and connection, not cruelty.
“The culture of BDSM is heavily rooted in ethics, empathy, and consent,” said Zhang. “The one who assumes the dominant role need not force others to submit, but inspires them to do so by first and foremost displaying compassion and understanding as befitting a moral person.”
You need to understand yourself before you can take on a dominant role
The first step to taking on a more dominant role is to figure out what turns you on. This is easier said than done. We may be ashamed of our desires, we may worry that our partner will laugh or be disgusted by them.
But there’s a reason why the Fifty Shades of Grey books and films were so successful. People were able to point to something on a page and say, “That’s hot.” And then show it to their partner.
Think about scenes in movies and books that have turned you on, and ask yourself why. It may make you feel weird at first, but it’s normal to ask yourself if your desires are normal. It’s up to you to accept them as part of who you are and make the next move.
Great sex starts with communication
Taking cues from mainstream media can also have a downside. Great sex in the movies is often led by the man, or else it’s a magically equal exchange where all the parties seem to intuitively know what the other wants.
Now that’s fantasy.
The reality is that great sex is born of great communication, but it can be hard to wants to talk about what you want. Someone has to take the lead. It should be you.
Taking the dominant position with a partner requires the ability to articulate what you want, explain what pleases you, and why.
“Two of the most important lessons I have learned in my time as a professional dominatrix is to know myself, and to communicate what I want to others. Taking a more dominant role means first having a command and understanding of oneself,” said Zhang.
You don’t need to invest in handcuffs, whips, or ropes
Yes, the things we see on television and the movies can inspire our sexiest thoughts, but they can also be intimidating and stop you from giving things a try.
Being dominant in the bedroom doesn’t mean you have to invest in kinky gear, like handcuffs, whips, and rope. They’re symbolic props.
For example, you can use your words to tell your partner not to move. Handcuffs may just provide an extra layer to the experience.
“Begin with some universal concepts by asking your partner if she or he is enticed by the following: being teased, delayed gratification, the freedom from not having to decide/think, or simply just giving you pleasure,” said Zhang. These ideas can inspire any number of playful activities.”
It’s normal to struggle with outdated attitudes about sexual roles
We’re all prisoners of our upbringings. We have ideas of what people are supposed to do in bed. Even if we think of ourselves as progressive, we may still be dogged by out-of-date attitudes about sexual roles.
It’s up to you to examine why you believe that sex has to be a certain way. If it makes you feel good, great. But if you’re unsatisfied and afraid that your fantasies disrupt your ideas about gender roles in bed, you need to stop and think.
“The mind is the sex organ and all it really takes to be dominant is assuming the right attitude,” said Zhang. “And remember, a willing and open-minded partner will want to please you.”
If Hollywood made a blockbuster film about all the common misconceptions about BDSM, it would be called 50 Shades of Grey Area. From outdated ideas to complete misrepresentations, there is no shortage of faulty information out there about BDSM. And while experimenting with kink may not be everyone’s cup of tea, listening to experts spill the tea about BDSM can help everyone stay informed.
“BDSM is something that the general population doesn’t know much about,” Kayna Cassard, sex therapist and founder of Intuitive Sensuality, tells Elite Daily. “So, they make up stories about what it means for people who engage in it.” According to Cassard, the lack of accurate information about BDSM often leads people to stigmatize the practice. “Our stories are often informed by [outdated or limited] belief systems,” Cassard says. “When you have those systems filling in the blanks on something like BDSM, there is a lot of negative judgment about it.” Whether you’re just starting to dip your toe in the kink world or you’re a BDSM babe that’s tired of correcting all the misinformed stereotypes, knowing the real tea about the kink community can be super helpful.
Here are 10 common misunderstandings about BDSM, cleared up by experts.
1. Myth: BDSM isn’t consensual.
Like any sexual encounter, engaging in BDSM requires talking about consent and intentions before getting down to business. “BDSM is 100% consensual and the result of explicit, thorough communication,” Brianne McGuire, host of the Sex Communication podcast, tells Elite Daily. “Activities may include physical contact that appears violent, but really, it’s the manifestation of an agreed-upon dynamic.” As McGuire shares, BDSM is a completely consensual practice that demands transparency from all partners. “BDSM emphasizes consensual play and teaches us tools to communicate our erotic and sexual needs more effectively,” Cassard says.
2. Myth: BDSM isn’t feminist.
For sex educator and “24/7 Sub” Lina Dune, a huge BDSM misconception is that the practice is not feminist. “As a submissive, I have been told all manner of things about why my role in BDSM is not feminist,” Dune says. “But BDSM is the coming together of equals to participate in consensual power exchange. Any way you slice it, that’s feminist to me.”
As Dune shares, BDSM can create space a particularly special space for women, femmes, and assigned female at birth (AFAB) people to reclaim their sexuality and sexual power. “And if there are some spanking, name-calling or ball gags thrown in there? All the better,” Dune says.
3. Myth: BDSM only involves penetrative sex.
Though penetrative sex can be a large part of BDSM, McGuire and Cassard both share that BDSM isn’t only about sex. “BDSM activities often involve no penetration,” McGuire says. “The nature of sharing energy and power in a highly communicated, consensual way goes far beyond sexual release.” Cassard agrees that BDSM can be a “tool in your relationship and sexual arsenal,” helping you and your partner communicate more effectively.
“There’s a misunderstanding that BDSM isn’t accessible because there is a big commitment involved in buying proper equipment,” Gigi Engle, sex coach, sexologist, and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, tells Elite Daily. “You can use anything around the house. A wooden spoon can be a paddle; a scarf can be handcuffs or a blindfold.” As Engle shares, while some may want to build a dungeon or shell out for a special whip, BDSM can just about communicating and exchanging with your partner(s). You can get creative together and have fun along the way.
According to Dr. Jones, while some people are into more extreme BDSM activities, like suspension bondage or masochism, others may be more into moderate or light BDSM, like wearing blindfolds or roleplaying. Whatever the case, BDSM means something different to everyone who engaged with it. “A major misconception is that there is ‘one way’ to do something or that BDSM has to be this strict, regimented thing,” sex educator and mental health professional Lola Jean tells Elite Daily. “There isn’t one ‘right’ style or method or right or wrong. It’s about finding and tailoring what is right for you regardless of the role that you’re in.”
6. Myth: BDSM is only for dominatrices.
The truth is, there no one “type” of person that is into BDSM. While some people are more public about their kinks and interests, others may be into BDSM on the down-low. Whatever the case, Dr. Jones emphasizes that anyone can practice BDSM.
“There are people from all walks of life, various racial, cultural, educational, and socioeconomic backgrounds, who take part in BDSM sexual practices,” Dr. Jones says.
7. Myth: You’re either a Dom or a Sub.
Binaries are over, baby. While some people who partake in BDSM may be a full Dominant or a total submissive (or a full-on sadist or masochist), BDSM is not an “either-or” situation.
“Some couples switch positions,” Dr. Jones says. “Others are interested in BDSM, not because they are masochist, but because they enjoy giving pleasure, or depending on what the BDSM includes, they enjoy their partner’s uncontrollable passion.”
Jean agrees that stereotypes about what certain roles look like can prevent people from really understanding how BDSM functions. “These stereotypes are so limiting, and they prevent us from getting to know the other person as well as ourselves,” Jeans says. “BDSM can look completely different from person to person or pairing to pairing.”
8. Myth: BDSM is all about power.
Jean shares that while some people may engage in power-play or enjoy being dominant or submissive, BDSM isn’t always about the exchange of power. “There is a misconception of power and where that comes from, which leads to individuals wielding that power irresponsibly,” Jean says. “BDSM is not about power exchange for everyone. Fetishes and lighter play can fit within here too.”
If you grew up in a more conservative area or you carry a lot of internalized shame around sex, Cassard shares that it can be easy to feel like BDSM is “wrong” or “dirty.” While you never need to do anything you’re not into, Cassard attests that being into BDSM doesn’t make you a “bad” or “shameful” person — it’s just another thing that you’re into. “[Practicing BDSM] is normal, and there have been studies showing that there are pretty high levels of mental wellness in the BDSM communities,” Cassard says. There’s no reason to keep BDSM a secret if you don’t want to, as there is nothing shameful about partaking in it.
10. Myth: BDSM is all about pain.
“You can have BDSM without any pain at all, and you can have it where you walk away with bruises all over your body. Each experience is carefully crafted and curated by those participating in the play,” Engle says. While some people are into BDSM with more physical contact, Engle shares that BDSM isn’t innately violent or about pain.
Additionally, Dune emphasizes the importance of aftercare and cuddling, as well as checking in afterward. “A crucial component of any BDSM practice is aftercare so that the partners can reset their nervous system and emotionally get on the same page,” Dune says. “BDSM is a structured way of playing with more intense sexual themes and sensation play, but the ritual of it is meant to safeguard against bad outcomes like trauma, abuse, or triggers.”
From ropes and paddles to feathers and ice cubes, BDSM can look different to everyone. Of course, no matter what you’re into, active consent is the most important part of any BDSM practice. And whether you’re suspended in the sky or laid out on the floor, consensual kinky sex means leaving no room for grey areas.
My first foray into BDSM left me covered in bruises and smiling like a moron. I had been in recovery for opioid addiction for 18 months. It was okay. I felt stable. I also felt unbelievably bored. Dealing with my problems in healthy ways was a major joykill. Partying had been a pretty big time killer for me, and without it, life felt a little too smooth jazz. Kink quickly transformed those instrumentals, spinning them into a welcome chaos of pain and pleasure.
There was hair-pulling and roughhousing and ropes tugging and restricting me in all the best ways. My brain lit up, sending danger signals to my body. Adrenaline pulsed. For me, it was exactly the right amount of scary. For the first time in ages, I felt alive.
I was glad to not be strung out on pills, but I was also scared that I had burned out my joy receptors in some irreparable way. Life was a vast grey expanse of whatever. I was a freshly single sober adult living in New Orleans, the drunkest city on earth. It felt like not getting fucked up was really fucking up my life. Life felt serious and hard and I needed a jolt of excitement to remind me why my life was worth getting sober for. I found it in kink.
I purposefully dated others who’d gone through recovery and were sober, but that was unbearably awkward. Sober folks can be really neurotic. I know, because I’m one of them. When you stop blunting all your emotions with substances, you really start noticing how often you’re anxious. And there’s no pink wine to take the edge off of dating and having sex with a new person. I was fine with kisses and make-outs, but when things got hot, I would start to shut down.
Once my clothes came off, I would get locked in to a self-conscious mind loop. Honestly, I had had sober sex so rarely in my life at that point that it seemed like it might be impossible. How was I supposed to get naked with strangers without liquid- or pill-fueled courage? I was pretty sure that my sober life was going to be a sexless and joyless purgatory.
When I first started seeing a sober person who was into kink, I was kind of scared. Like actually frightened of injury. I’d never had particularly kinky sex before. My neurosis looped, full-force, in relentless questions. Was he violent? What if I let him tie me up and he really hurt me? Do people really use whips and chains? What if I didn’t like it? What if I didn’t know how to do BDSM right? But, like I said, I was bored, curious and I liked him, so I went for it.
You have to learn both to speak your needs verbally and also to read your partner’s body language. Its subtlety demands sobriety.
Most of the things that I did with that partner wouldn’t seem that kinky to someone into fetish, but it was all new to me. My partner loved rope and showed me enough to whet my thirst for knowledge. I fell in love with Shibari, Japanese rope bondage. It’s methodical and beautiful. Ropes are tied, checked, re-tied. You must be careful not to compress nerve bundles. Because there is some risk of injury, rope play requires deep communication skills. You have to learn both to speak your needs verbally and also to read your partner’s body language. Its subtlety demands sobriety.
But Shibari is only one modality among many styles of rope play. And rope play is only one practice in the giant world of BDSM. And BDSM is only a subset of kink. What I’m saying, is that there’s a whole sexual world out there that I didn’t know about.
It’s not just me; this is a bona fide trope. Folks in the recovery community are forever extolling the virtues of kink. “BDSM is a way that I can get all the chemicals in my brain revving. It’s somewhat risky but it’s surrounded on all sides by boundaries and negotiations,” Keener, a kinky sober person in NYC told The Fix.
BDSM gave me a way to channel my sexual anxiety into a power negotiation with another person that, in turn, reshapes some of my anxiety into excitement. Sex went from being stressful to being a dopamine rush, which is how it’s supposed to be. Addiction acclimated my brain to higher levels of risk and relief than the average non-addicted person. I didn’t want the actual risk that goes along with using, but I didn’t want to hate my life either. Finding kink showed me a world that was shiny black leather instead of existential grey.
Fetishes may seem like a taboo subject, but they’re much more common than we may think. Fetishism is defined as a form of sexual behavior in which gratification is linked to an abnormal object, activity, part of the body, etc.
College students’ curiosity and sexual exploration can increase curiosity in fetishism. From a sample of college students in a study conducted by Harvard, 22% said they were interested in fetishes, and 43% said they have or believe they have a fetish.
There are many different categories that span the fetishism criteria, and each category has multiple subcategories within it. Many fetishes can overlap with other fetishes. For now, I will discuss the fetish of power dynamics and its various subcategories, from the familiar to the rare.
Using power dynamics in the bedroom means allowing one partner to have more control over the situation than the other partner. Even the most vanilla of relationships show some type of power play.
Being the one in control can feel empowering and can lead to even more of a turn on. Being the one out of control can also be a huge turn on, as this allows someone to not have to worry or think about what to do next — they can simply enjoy.
BDSM
BDSM is the umbrella term used to describe relationships that use any single type of bondage, dominant, submissive, sadist or masochist scenario. These categories will be explored below.
Generally, BDSM can be anything from something as harmless as blindfolding your partner to having a full-blown sex chamber similar to Christian Grey’s in “Fifty Shades of Grey.” Partaking in BDSM doesn’t mean you and your partner have to specifically comply with one or more of the subcategories, but certain activities may lean more toward one.
Dominant and submissive
This is one of the most entry-level forms of BDSM. Basically, it’s an agreement between both partners where one pledges to be in charge of how everything in the bedroom is going to be, known as the dominant, and the other pledges to do everything that is asked of them by the dominant, known as the submissive.
Being submissive to the dominant can take place erotically in the bedroom, but it can also be carried into everyday lifestyles.
Bondage and discipline
Bondage is a subculture of BDSM. Bondage includes the practice of consensually restraining your partner for erotic purposes. Common restraint practices include handcuffing, gagging, blinding or shibari.
Shibari is a style of bondage developed by the Japanese and typically involves rope tying. This rope tying is also a form of art and, for some, a form of therapy or meditation.
Discipline falls directly in line with the dominant and submissive roles. If the submissive disobeys the rules or refuses to listen to the dominant, then the submissive is subjected to discipline. Punishments can include flogging, nipple clips, slapping and more. Punishments can carry on outside the bedroom as well.
Sadist and masochist
Sadism and masochism are on the more extreme end of the BDSM subcategories. A sadist is someone who directly derives sexual pleasure from inflicting pain onto their partner. A masochist is someone who receives sexual gratification from the pain inflicted on them from their partner. So naturally, sadists and masochists go hand-in-hand.
The idea is that the sadist, usually the dominant, enjoys carrying out punishment for something their partner may have done that was naughty. It’s not necessarily that the sadist enjoys inflicting long-term and significantly painful damage onto their partner. The masochists, usually the submissive, tend to feel like they deserve punishment for their naughty act and may feel better receiving their punishment.
Rape play
Rape fantasies are normal, despite how others might grimace in disgust and misunderstanding. It’s another form of a power dynamic. Usually, this type of power dynamic is done with a trusted individual or an already dominant/submissive relationship. This could be seen as an extremist form of sadism and masochism, but keep in mind that this fantasy is still consensual for both parties.
The infliction of pain, feeling under ownership and loss of self for the “victim” incites sexual pleasure, whereas the simulation of violence can serve to show ownership or attachment to the “victim.”
When we say BDSM, you probably think of chains, whips, and all sorts of sexy stuff.
But there’s far more to it.
BDSM has long been recognised as an erotic practice, with more people than ever introducing aspects of bondage, domination, sadism and masochism into their sexual pursuits.
A combination of changing sexual attitudes and greater representation in mainstream media has sparked a new curiosity surrounding the pleasures of submission.
While BDSM has typically been categorised as a sexual preference, some professional dominants have decided to apply the key principles of control and abandon to therapeutic practice. According to these specialists, their specific brand of holistic BDSM has helped clients with a range of emotional issues from trauma to anxiety.
London-based Lorelei set up her own business as the Divine Theratrix in September 2018 after two years working as a therapeutic counsellor. Marketing herself as a ‘loving female authority’, Lorelei uses BDSM components such as restraint and impact play (rhythmic hitting) to enable her clients to open up.
Lorelei, 33, tells Metro.co.uk: ‘The first time I introduced BDSM to a therapy session, the client progressed more in two hours than they usually would in two months of traditional counselling. Having your physical presence is so powerful.’
Lorelei began to explore BDSM therapy after becoming frustrated by the rigid detachment she has to retain during traditional counselling sessions.
‘I was struggling with the barrier,’ she explains. ‘I thought “Christ if I could actually have contact with clients, I know it would make a difference to them”.’
The former lawyer became involved with BDSM while exploring her own sexuality at sex parties and was particularly drawn to the role of a dominant. Lorelei looks entirely unimposing, with a youthful, elfin face and a petite frame clothed in black trousers and a lacy black top. Despite her delicate appearance and obvious warmth, Lorelei has a certain air of command; a no-nonsense kind of confidence that one can imagine her using to great effect in her work.
Having gained her diploma in therapeutic counselling, Lorelei was struck by the similarities between BDSM and conventional therapy. A BDSM session with her is broken down into three main parts, which are holding (establishing the power dynamic and trust), opening and then putting back together again, which could easily describe a formalised counselling session.
But unlike standard psychoanalysis where everything is achieved through talking, Lorelei will apply physical and occasionally painful actions such as nipple tweaking or flogging to facilitate the different stages. This is always a detailed conversation about the client’s limits and session goals.
She also holds her £200 per hour sessions in a rented dungeon while garbed in classic fetish wear, which Lorelei explains reinforces the power balance and takes clients outside of their daily reality.
Lorelei tells us: ‘I deal with a lot of clients who have a lot of early trauma, which is incredibly difficult to shift because it’s in your primal brain, which predates any cognitive thought processes.
‘I know from personal experience that these feelings can be very overwhelming and they need to come out. In this setup, clients know that because I am completely in control, they can totally let go and I will be there to make sure they feel safe and feel held.
‘Just because I’m a dominant doesn’t mean I can’t be nurturing.’
Because of its reliance upon specific power roles, anticipation and the relinquishing of control, BDSM is an inherently psychological practice. But how does a BDSM healer make emotional catharsis and not sexual gratification the primary goal of a session?
New York based Aleta Cai tells us: ‘Making sure that client understand what they want to achieve through a session is key. I make it very clear that healing and self-actualisation are the primary objectives of my sessions.’
Aleta practices what she describes as Sacred BDSM which combines new age modalities such as reiki and clairvoyance with traditional BDSM devices, including sensory deprivation and restraint. A self-described empath, Aleta explained that the BDSM template allows clients to access a deeper level of surrender.
‘I feel that in the West, there is a focus on psychoanalysis and probing the rational mind, which can lead to people getting stuck in their own narratives,’ Aleta says. ‘Things may be alerted to the rational mind that the body needs to process, and BDSM can facilitate that processing.’
Born in China, Aleta moved to Los Angeles during infancy and has retained her tinkling LA inflection. However, the 29-year-old speaks in a slow, measured manner which demands full attention. After completing her degree in Psychology at NYU, Aleta worked as a professional dominatrix at a well-known BDSM dungeon for two years.
Her transition towards Sacred BDSM began three years ago. The turning point came during a standard mummification session (this process involves being wrapped up like its Egyptian cadaver’s namesake) where Aleta introduced crystals and healing energy devices to the process.
Aleta said: ‘I was amazed, in just 20 minutes I felt the client’s different energies being unblocked and the immense sense of release he experienced. That’s what began my journey towards introducing certain elements into my own healing work.’
The reiki master also runs what she calls a ‘vanilla’ healing practice alongside her multiple artistic projects. Spirituality informs both practitioners’ work, with Lorelei being inspired largely by branches of matriarchal mysticism and paganism while Aleta is particularly influenced by Eastern medicine and esoteric theologies.
Aleta says: ‘My intention is to maximise their healing through BDSM so for instance if I felt someone’s root chakra is very heavy, I would cane them repetitively until I saw a somatic relief in that chakra. If I mummify someone, I will take them into hypnosis which will allow them a deeper layer of catharsis that is not just the physicality of being wrapped up.’
The concept of accessing a kind of heightened consciousness through BDSM makes sense scientifically as pain triggers adrenaline and endorphins which can lead to feelings of euphoria. For this to be experienced in a therapeutic and emotionally releasing manner is mostly dependent upon how the activity is framed.
Seani Love said: ‘A lot of BDSM does involve some level of therapy anyway, because sexuality is humanity’s inherent driving force. But when you outline the BDSM experience as an emotionally healing practice, it involves all aspects of the person making the release not only psychological, but also emotional, physical and spiritual.’
The Australian native applies a variety of disciplines to his BDSM work, including Pagan ritual and Qigong, in what he describes as a ‘hodgepodge of healing practices’.
The former software engineer began working part-time as a Shamanic BDSM practitioner eight years ago, finally going full time in 2013. Seani now prefers the title of sex worker and has won awards for his travail, which earn him £390 for a three hour booking. However, the 49-year-old still runs sessions and workshops specializing in Conscious Kink and BDSM therapy. It was Seani who personally mentored Lorelei while she was deciding what path she would take.
At the start of our meeting Seani seems slightly nervous; softly spoken and prone to fidgeting. As the interview gets further underway he seems to relax a little, obviously passionate about the remedial aspects of his work. When asked about his greatest achievement during his BDSM therapy career, Seani describes an intense experience with a 65-year-old client who had been rejected by his mother after being dropped on his head.
‘I called in a female assistant so he could experience some maternal love in his body during the session,’ Seani tells us. ‘We retraced some particular steps, used some impact play to get him out of his head and got him back to that pre-verbal stage, then invited the assistant to hold and nurture him. It was so powerful; he finally found peace with his mother from the ritual we created.’
Seani also has a background in gestalt therapy and a level 3 diploma in counselling, but has found his particular therapeutic niche within the erotic and BDSM sphere. While he has helped many people through applied BDSM, he is quick to state that it isn’t the right path for everyone.
‘I think it’s important for me to say that I wouldn’t prescribe shamanic BDSM as a healing path for all people,’ he notes. ‘I would never directly recommend it, but if people are drawn to it, it’s available.’
At first glance, BDSM therapy seems contradictory. Alleviating emotional distress with physical pain seems illogical, even detrimental. But when done skilfully, this practice enables the expression of raw emotion, without rationalisation or any holding back from the client.
People have turned to primal scream sessions, isolation tanks and rebirthing therapy in pursuit of emotional balance and found such practices effective. With mental health conditions making up 28% of the NHS’s total burden, perhaps for some select people, an overtly physical approach could provide the release that is so desperately needed.
There is still a strange, judge-y haze that falls over any kind of kinky sex. Even the very idea of asking “What is a fetish?” is taboo. People tend to think that people into kinky sex are sexual deviants—nothing like “normal” people having perfectly “normal” sex.
This, I must say, is a whole lotta B.S. Kinks are actually quite common—according to a 2014 study, 50% of Americans enjoy some kind of kink or rough sex fantasy, while 36 percent have used blindfolds and bondage gear during sex—totally normal, and totally available to everyone. (No sex dungeon or BDSM club required.)
What Is a Fetish?
Kinky sex is all sex that falls outside of the boundaries of “vanilla” or traditional sex. (Think: Missionary style sex with the lights off.) It’s the catchall umbrella term that captures the wide spectrum of sexual behaviors that you might be into. It’s somewhat subjective—what one person considers “kinky” could be another person’s “vanilla.” You might think doggy style with some light spanking is super kinky, whereas another person may need to be blindfolded and ball-gagged in order to think the sex is kinky. In other words, exploring your kinky side can be as adventurous as you want it to be.
Fetishes are a specific type of kink. A fetish is a fixation on something largely nonsexual (feet, bubbles, tickling, leather, latex, cotton panties, etc.). For people with a fetish, that normally nonsexual thing is actually a huge turn-on—they’re sexually attracted to it. Most people with fetishes require that item or sex act to become sexually aroused. For instance, someone with a foot fetish may need to lick, kiss, or nibble on their lover’s feet in order to get turned on. Kink, on the other hand, can be a part of sexual intimacy, but isn’t necessarily required for the sex to happen.
Exploring Kinks and Fetishes 101
Here is what you should know about the most common fetishes and kinks, how to try them, and what gear you can buy to make the experience more memorable (and fun).
BDSM
What is BDSM? BDSM stands for bondage, discipline, submission, sadism, and masochism. It sounds scary—like getting blindfolded, tied to the bed and whipped mercilessly—but that’s rarely the case. BDSM is not about the need to hurt someone or to be hurt by someone. It’s about exploring your boundaries and levels of control, not torture and misery.
How to try it: BDSM is actually the most common kink there is. It can be as quotidian as a little light spanking or biting; blindfolding your partner or asking them to bind you with fuzzy handcuffs; or various levels of sensation play (such as using blindfolds, feather ticklers, or ball gags), pain play (such as spanking, electro-stimulation, or whipping), and breath play (choking).
The one thing all safe BDSM has in common? It’s consensual and explicitly negotiated between partners, wherein one person willingly (and enthusiastically) gives up control to the other.
Role playing
What is role playing? Role play is one of the simplest ways to explore kink—who hasn’t had some kind of sexual fantasy in their lifetime? Whether your particular turn-on is a well choreographed scene straight out of Outlander or a slightly more vague scenario like two strangers meeting at a bar, role play is a good opportunity to explore some of those fantasies. It’s like creating your own script-based porn together—it gives you both a chance to be someone else and get out of your own head.
How to try it: Role playing can be as simple or as complex as you want it to be. In its most basic form, it’s just about you and your partner taking on new characters and acting out a scene. For instance, you could be the sexy repairperson who has come to fix your lover’s sink. If a doctor and patient situation is more your jam, you could always get your partner a white lab coat and have them give you a full “checkup.”
Latex (and other materials)
What is a latex fetish? Sexualizing materials—latex, lace, silk, leather, nylon, you get the picture—can be both a kink and a fetish. If latex is a kink, it means you enjoy latex (think: wearing a smoking hot latex bodysuit) as a part of your sexual play. A latex fetish means that latex needs to be involved in your play in order for you to get turned on. With a fetish, you’re genuinely attracted to the material: The sound it makes on a person’s skin, the smell, and the feel of it. Again, this is totally normal.
How to try it: If you’re into latex (or other such materials), it’s likely that you’ve known for a while. Maybe you came across a lovely pair of thick latex gloves in your kitchen or a pair of nylon stockings growing up and felt all the things. To get material-based fetish into your IRL sex life, simply start by bringing a latex (or leather, spandex, etc.) object or piece of clothing into the bedroom. Start with something simple like latex gloves. If this works for you sexually, you can try a latex bodysuit, wearing it or having your partner wear it (consensually, of course). If leather is more your thing, try wearing that vintage biker jacket you love to bed. Perhaps you and your partner could even go to a sex shop and invest in a leather riding crop if you’re feeling a bit adventurous.
Foot fetish
What is a foot fetish? Foot fetishes are very common—there are entire YouTube channels devoted to the worship of all things feet. Having a foot fetish means that you are sexually attracted to feet—clean, manicured feet, normal feet, or even dirty feet. This can also include being attracted to shoes such as high heels or sneakers.
How to try it: This can play out in different ways during sex. You may want to lick or kiss your partner’s feet, you could be into them stepping on you, or even rubbing a shoe over your body. Everyone is different and no one thing is stranger than any other (assuming your partner is down).
Voyeurism and exhibitionism
What is voyeurism? Voyeurism is when you enjoy watching people have sex—it’s the thrill of seeing something “you’re not supposed to.” In the traditional definition, the people you’re watching don’t know you’re watching, but this obviously violates their consent, which is a big no-no. If you want to engage in consensual voyeurism, you can watch people engaging in sex acts with their knowledge of your being there. Voyeurism can also include enjoying other people watching you engage in sexual activity—commonly referred to as “exhibitionism.” They are two sides of the same coin. The excitement of exhibitionism comes from “getting caught” doing something “bad” or naughty.
How to try it: There’s already a bit of a voyeur in all of us. Getting turned on watching your partner touch themselves, watching porn, even heating up for a steamy scene on Netflix has the erotic element of peeking into someone else’s sex life. Try watching porn together and masturbating side-by-side. You get to watch the people in the video having sex, while enjoying intimacy with your partner. It’s a win-win for everyone. Exploring exhibitionism may also include things like having sex outside or in public (provided you do it very carefully). Here is a good guide to outdoor sex, should you be interested.
The Step-by-Step Guide to Trying Kinks and Fetishes
Curious but still a little intimidated? We’ve got you covered.
1. Involve your partner.
If you’d like to incorporate a kink or fetish into your sex life, talk about it. Have a solid conversation with your partner to decide what you’re both willing to explore before whipping out a riding crop in the bedroom.
It can be daunting, but having a conversation is critical if this is important to you. Start by talking about your mutual fantasies and go from there. You want to keep it light before moving into the more “intense” stuff. For example, if you’re interested in nylon, would you partner be okay with nylon stockings in bed? Would they be okay having their wrists tied with some nylon stockings? This way, you can both be involved in the execution, trying a bunch of different things that turn you on.
Think it through and be open and honest. It’s crucial that these conversations come with a big ol’ dose of empathy.
2. Do your research.
If a kink is new to you, do your research. Some of this play—bondage or choking, for instance—can be dangerous. Take a class or watch some YouTube videos. The best places for in-person classes are feminist sex toy shops such as Pleasure Chest or Babeland. If you don’t live in a major city, check out O.School. This online resource is an amazing place to take free online workshops from everything to blow jobs to kink to latex. Know what you’re doing before you try anything at all. You want to be solid in your skills before trying them on another human person.
3. Establish a safeword.
Safewords are nonsexual words that indicate when one partner would like to stop or pause the play. Choose a word that has nothing to do with that you’re doing in the bedroom. I suggest something nonthreatening such as banana, strawberry, sailboat, or hockey puck. You can also use a simple traffic light system: Green means go, and red means stop.
If you’re engaging in play that could disrupt a person’s ability to speak, such as breath play or wearing a ball gag, use a “three tap” approach: If you or your partner wants to stop, you tap them three times on the shoulder.
Why do you need a safeword? Because in some scenes “no” may be interpreted as part of the play. For example, in a ravishment role play fantasy or a super-submissive scene, if you say “no” or “stop” your partner may think you’re simply in character. A safeword also helps keep the erotic energy of the scene alive so that in event you want to keep going, you’re not completely deflated.
4. Do some shopping.
When it comes to gear, you don’t need to go out and buy a bunch of expensive stuff to make a fantasy or fetish happen. BDSM is definitely mostly gear-focused kink, but even so, it’s easy to utilize things from around your house. Try placing a T-shirt over your partner’s eyes as a makeshift blindfold, grabbing a wooden mixing spoon for spanking, or try running an (unused!) feather duster over your lover’s body.
For most fetishes, you’ll just need the specific item on which your fetish in focused. This could be anything from feet, to a leather crop, to a pair of nylon stockings. If you’re interested in leather specifically, we love these harnesses from Bijoux Indescretes. The company makes a whole line of fetish and BDSM gear that is inexpensive and easy for beginners to use. If latex is more your style, check out these amazing suits from The Latex Store.
I also love everything kink-related from Unbound. They make a super-adorable feather tickler, paddle, pinwheel, handcuffs, bondage tape, and blindfold that are perfect for BDSM neophytes. Plus they double as jewelry, a turn-on all its own. Check out the line here.
4. Check in.
Be sure to always have aftercare following sexual experiences. This is when the two of you take time to touch, kiss, caress, and reconnect emotionally.
In the following day or two, have an open and honest conversation about what you did correctly, what was working for you, and what wasn’t. Be willing to compromise to cocreate a sexual experience that is pleasurable, unique, and special for both of you.
When it comes to exploring kink and fetish, there is no “bad” or “abnormal” as long as everyone involved is an enthusiastically consenting adult. Don’t be afraid to broaden your sexual horizons. Learn all you can, be open-minded, and who knows? You might discover something you’re into that you’d never thought possible.
Financial domination or findomming, in which men pay women to insult them and then drain their bank accounts, is reportedly on the rise. But who are the cash cows and pay pigs, and why is the dangerous practise of findomming so appealing? Stylist investigates.
“I can make up to £2,000 a week by calling clients fucking pigs and telling them to transfer me their money or buy me gifts. I know it sounds obscene but it’s a full-time job telling people that they’re worthless.”
Gemma*, 23, is a full-time financial dominant working in Manchester. She is one of a number of British women making cash from telling men that they’re worthless.
Like other submissive/dominant fetishes, the submissive person in the dynamic (otherwise known as a pay pig, or finsub) will give gifts and money to a financial dominant (a cash cow, findom, or goddess). This can be a one-off transaction, or a series of transactions.
From transferring three-figure sums and purchasing Amazon wish lists, to sending their dom life-size cutouts of Danny DeVito (yes, really), financial subs operate solely to please… and to pay. Like many other forms of sex work in the UK, findomming is allowing women to make money from men in return for sexual services. Instead of traditional sexual acts, though, these men mainly ask for humiliation and to have their wallets ‘drained’ in return. It is a distinction which makes little difference: many in the industry still consider findomming to be a form of sex work.
Financial domination if often a non-intimate form of sex work, in which the dom and the sub never meet
Scrolling through the #findom hashtag on Twitter, you’ll find request after request from financial dominatrixes, for ‘tributes’ and ‘reimbursements’ for purchases that they’ve made previously, to links to wish lists that their worshippers can buy for them.
Examples of such messages include: “I don’t give a fuck about u [sic] if you ain’t sending and worshipping the ground I walk on”, “I love money & you love giving it to me”, “It’s payday losers. All of my #paypigs know the drill”.
In a video pinned to her Twitter feed, one dom, Miss U Louisa, looks into the camera before blowing a kiss and flicking her middle finger up.
“This is just a verification video for all you non-believers out there who cannot believe that my perfection is actually real,” she says. “You now have no excuse. I now own ALL of your money, ALL of your wages and am ready for you to submit to me entirely.”
The tweet, which was followed by another listing her PayPal account details, racked up 110 likes with 44 retweets (at the time of writing). The replies rolled in from her loyal followers (writing comments such as, “yes, you are right, goddess”), and within an hour of posting it she shared on her feed that she had made £300.
Findomming is a relatively new form of sex work and, due to the nature of it taking place online, it’s hard to find exact figures for how many women are out there working as doms. However, with new calls for subs regularly appearing on #findom, it’s clear that there’s no shortage of ‘goddesses’ looking for tributes.
According to the women I spoke to, the biggest appeal of findomming (aside from the potential to make a lot of money) is the nature of the work involved. Unlike other forms of sex work, there is no physical interaction required.
As Urska, the woman behind Miss U Louisa, explains: “Nudity is a common misconception of findomming. Of course, it’s natural to associate sex work with, well, sex, but this fetish is all about sexual gratification fuelled by power.
“I never send nudes – although findomming is a form of sex work, I keep nudity and sexual acts away from it, reserved for my partner exclusively. My real subs, however, will never expect anything from me in return, as they enjoy the sacrifice that they are offering me, as well as the fact I regularly speak to them to build friendships.”
“It’s all about power”, agrees Gemma, a 23-year-old graduate in Manchester who has been working as a findom for a year – having quit her previous job to pursue financial domination full time.
“Findomming is just another type of psychological sex play – the men who give me money are the men who experience sexual gratification by submitting to me. What bigger loss of control is there than handing over your money to me for effectively nothing?”
But what are the subs really getting out of this role play, if not anything that appears sexual on the surface?
Dr Lori Bisbey, a sex psychologist from London, explains that financial domination is just another way of giving up power. “All relationships have an element of power dynamic,” she explains. “People who engage in dom/sub sexual play are simply making that power dynamic explicit. Why do they do this? Because power is intoxicating. It is sexy.
“In financial domination, money represents power. Gaining money is the simplest form of gaining power – the more money you have, the more freedom you have and the more power you can wield in many spheres.
“Turning over your finances to another is certainly a relinquishment of power – and in this type of fetish, it is made explicit rather than having this be unspoken.”
It’s clear that a true financial submissive will never ask for anything more than the transaction itself, but why do these men hand over their money so willingly?
‘Sub Zero’ is a 58-year-old business owner from Surrey who has spoken openly on his Twitter account about the respect financial submissives deserve. For him and many other subs, sending money is more than just a sexual act. “You want their lives to be made easier and more enjoyable when you are serving them,” he says.
“A financial aspect seems to be a natural part of that. The arousal for me doesn’t happen in my trousers, it happens in my brain. The act of giving a dom money to buy herself nice things, money that I have had to work for, triggers my basic desire to please and cements the fact that in that moment, everything I do, I do for her.”
It’s not just men with endless cash to spend who are using findoms – Jason* is a 21-year-old retail worker from Glasgow who partakes in financial domination play on a budget.
“I’m lucky because I’ve found a good dom who understands my restrictions – she respects me for paying £10 as much as one of her clients who drops £100,” he explains.
“Imagine that feeling you get when you give someone you love a present, and it makes you feel good to see them so happy. Times that by 1,000 and that’s how I feel giving money to my dom – and people wonder why I love it so much?”
But how can giving money be sexual? Dr Bisbey explains that it’s all about eroticisation.
“People feel sexual gratification from all sorts of experiences that are not explicitly sexual,” she says. “That is often the basis of a true fetish – a person is aroused by an object that doesn’t have any inherent sexual basis and cannot achieve gratification without the object being present.
“For these men, handing over money to a dominant woman has become eroticised. There are many ways that things become eroticised – almost any stimulus can become eroticised if paired with sexual arousal.
“For example, if someone was strongly sexually aroused and was lying on a leather couch, the leather could become eroticised.”
After all, the concept appears straightforward enough: create your new identity, start a Twitter account, film yourself spurting insults to your new followers, ask for money and start receiving it. For the sake of a few Skype calls to men asking you to call them everything from a “pathetic pig” to a “little bitch”, without having to take any of your clothes off, it sounds a simple way to earn money – at first glance. With the findoms I spoke to claiming that their numbers are rising, why is financial domination becoming so attractive now?
Many doms are young women, and Urska attributes the difficulty of earning money while at university to the increase. “Many students try their hand at the findom world, as it is expensive being a student these days, and generally finding employment is difficult,” she says.
As for being a graduate, it doesn’t get any easier. In a 2019 report, the government claimed that just 30% of current full-time undergraduates who take out loans will make enough to repay them in full.
“It’s not a quick [money] fix,” warns Laura*, a 20-year-old full-time findom living in Leeds. “Doms have to put up with discrimination, threats and legal issues.”
Due to findomming being a profession that is dependent upon opening yourself up to thousands of anonymous entities, a day at work for a findom isn’t as straightforward as connecting to wifi and watching their bank account fill up.
Violence in sex work is not uncommon by any stretch. Since 1990, the UK is reported to have had 182 sex workers killed by violence. And speaking to the BBC, Niki Adams, from campaign group The English Collective of Prostitutes, said: “Women know that by going into sex work you’re taking a risk because there is a lot of violence“.
“Since starting out I’ve been threatened with rape, murder and kidnap,” adds Laura. “I’ve also almost been emotionally blackmailed, so you’ve got to be careful and you definitely have to make sure you know the law when you get into it.”
It’s also worth noting that, despite its image, being a financial dominatrix doesn’t come without hard work. Managing clients’ budgets and needs through clear agreements and conversation prior to any play is crucial – how much money can a sub really afford to spend, and can they be trusted to know personal details about the dom, such as a postal address or bank details?
Alongside all of the actual financial logistics, findomming is also a full-time digital marketing job. In the same way influencers try and grow their personal brands, doms have to grow their own financial submissive following against stiff competition.
In order to bring in new subs and keep their current client bases returning, a dominatrix has to constantly create content, from filming videos of demands to tweeting back to potentially hundreds of people who have shown interest in submitting.
There’s also the element of actually being ‘good’ at your job – the idea of respect and understanding for subs comes up again and again from both dominatrixes and submissives that I speak to – in a relationship where money is willingly handed over in exchange for the ‘high’ achieved by fulfilling a fetish, it’s easy to get addicted and it’s a dom’s responsibility to set limits.
“Subs who go into debt have lost control of their fetish. They have blurred the line between what’s fantasy and reality, which would rarely happen in a genuine dom/sub relationship”, says Sub Zero. “An experienced dom who practises safety and care wouldn’t let debt occur.”
And it works both ways, according to Gemma. “A sub cannot serve properly if they are in serious debt or are putting their home life outside of the fantasy at risk,” she explains. “This is why I don’t necessarily ‘drain’ subs. I prefer subs who know and communicate their financial limits and send what they can when they can.”
In among all of this – the work itself, the marketing, the liaising – there’s also the pressure for some doms to keep their work unknown to their friends and family.
“I’m not ashamed of my job but I don’t want people finding me and seeing the videos I post because this bratty persona I put on is so unnatural for me,” Gemma says. “I’m playing a role like an actress and I just don’t want my friends or family judging me for that.
“I tweet stuff like, ‘good morning you scum losers – send money for my breakfast’, when in reality I wouldn’t dare speak to anyone like that in real life.”
As the Twitter accounts advertising #findom services continue to rise it’s important to remember the real cost of free money – financial domination isn’t a social media run fetish, it’s sex work that comes with its own discrimination and danger.
As Laura says: “No matter what anyone chooses to do with their body, it is their own… Sex work has been around for a long time and if anything, it’s time to speak out and help sex workers as well as the subs who come to us, because everyone deserves a fun and safe environment to work or play in.
“At its most basic level, financial domination is about enjoyment, fantasy and consent.”
Bondage and discipline, domination and submission (D/s), sadism and masochism. Over the past few decades, BDSM has become more and more popular. Blame it on 50 Shades of Grey, loosening sexual norms, or horny millennials. Regardless, kinkiness is in vogue. And it’s easier than ever to get started if you’re interested in doing some play yourself.
That’s where a BDSM test comes in. Quizzes, checklists, surveys, and exercises can help you safely gauge your own interests as a play partner. Whether you’re a dominant, a submissive, or something in between, taking a BDSM test will help you on your road to self-discovery.
What is a BDSM test?
Why you should take a BDSM test
Figuring out what you’re interested in is difficult. BDSM quizzes let you think about your tastes and preferences in an environment where you can sit by yourself and think carefully about your desires without pressure. Especially if you’re just experimenting with kink, the first thing you need to understand is yourself. Learning how to tie rope can wait.
BDSM tests also expose you to myriad scenarios involving D/s play, master and slave scenarios (M/s), and fetishes like pet play and watersports. Reading through these scenes and figuring out whether they do (or don’t) turn you on is a great way to better understand your sexual desires. Just remember that you know yourself better than an online test. Don’t let it constrict you.
Which test should you take?
The most well-known (and arguably best) BDSM test is called, simply, The BDSM Test. The website has been around for a number of years now, and it’s one of the first online stops newcomers visit to learn more about kink, fetishism, domination, and submission. The test comes in two versions. One offers a full palette of questions, and another is built for a fast, quick result. Users can also choose to skip prompts aimed at dominants, sadists, submissives, and masochists. We recommend taking the full test for the most accurate assessment possible.
There are additional kink and sexuality quizzes out there that can help you round out your kink profile. The Beiter Sexual Preference Indicator, a 90-question sexual personality survey by psychologist and therapist Dr. John Beiter, gives respondents a profile of their sexual roles and how they experience arousal. Dating site KinkMe offers a fast, 15-question BDSM test that lets users figure out what D/s role works best for them. And for subs, Submissive Playground hosts a quick personality test. All of these quizzes are great supplements to The BDSM Test, especially if you feel conflicted with the results.
My first foray into 
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