By Gigi Engle
We are all experiencing pandemic fatigue. Whether you’re coping well or poorly, you’re still coping. And because the world is drenched in stress, developing effective coping mechanisms has never been more important.
Enter BDSM.
While I hate to bring up the most obvious examples, Fifty Shades of Grey and Netflix’s 365 Days and Bonding have successfully catapulted BDSM into the mainstream and, while seriously problematic in their own ways, these popular Hollywood-style depictions of kink have allowed what was once a seemingly fringe sexual practice to bloom in the open. People are really feeling kink right now. New research conducted by psychologist Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., suggests that nearly half of Americans have tried some sort of bondage or power play in bed.
Considering the psychological dynamics involved in BDSM play, it isn’t a far reach to see how BDSM could help people cope with pandemic stress. Pandemic fatigue is enough to test even the strongest of relationships. Anything (within reason) that can help us cope with stress can and should be utilized right now. Practitioners of kink will be the first to tell you that BDSM reduces stress and anxiety and improves communication—all of which is crucial to maintaining relationships during difficult times. “BDSM play, during this pandemic, would be a great way to achieve decreased stress while creating a delicious distraction to outside-world concerns and an opportunity to work on your relational connection,” Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sexologist, tells TheBody.
Everywhere you look, sex experts are suggesting people try new sex stuff as a way to gain closeness with a partner. Working on increased connection and intimacy is certainly more appealing than relationship estrangement.
Long story short, now is an optimal time to get kinky. It can really change your sex life and open up new relationship dynamics for lots of people. Open your mind, guys. You don’t need to go buy a bespoke corset or a full set of restraints. You can easily tie someone up using a loose T-shirt or spank them with a wooden kitchen spoon. Kink is for everyone and anyone who wants to try it.
What BDSM Is (and What It Isn’t)
BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. You may be picturing whips, chains, and ball gags right now. While these tools can be used in this kind of play, they aren’t required. What BDSM really comes down to is control. It’s a desire to give up or receive control over someone. There is something deeply sensual about this giving and receiving—this complete power exchange.
What BDSM is: a safe and consensual sexual practice. What it is not: dangerous and for people who want to cause harm to others.
Let’s get one thing very clear: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to try BDSM. You’re probably just a person with a rich fantasy life—and we should celebrate that. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in BDSM are no more depraved or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else.
BDSM is a really fun way to try out different roles, whether dominant, submissive, or both. It can involve pain or it can not. It’s a totally customizable experience that you get to create with your partner. There is no wrong way to play—as long as everything is negotiated and safe, both physically and emotionally. Communication is a cornerstone of this practice.
Kink and Stress Release
One of the biggest reasons kinky folks love BDSM play is because of its tension-relieving effects. For instance, when you spend all day bossing people around at your day job, it can be very liberating to have a lover tell you what to do or give you a spanking. “Many people enjoy the BDSM lifestyle because it provides them with a way to escape into their ‘happy place.’ It’s been scientifically proven that the endorphins and other neurochemicals released while participating in BDSM are mood enhancers,” Angel Rios, a sexpert at AdultFriendFinder, the world’s largest sex and swinger community, tells TheBody.
We’re in the midst of a pandemic. If a new, fun way of exploring sexuality with your partner can offer up a bit of mental decompression, that sounds like a real win. “BDSM play provides a little escape from reality. A session can take you out of a state of mind which may be focused on survival in troubling times,” Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of the New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a members-only club focused on kink, tells TheBody. “You can focus on yourselves and the pleasures you can derive even in the most hopeless situations.”
Before You Get Started, There Are Some Things You Should Know
Before you go tying your partner up and having a free-for-all, you need to get really clear on the basics of consent and negotiation and commit yourself to doing proper research in advance of trying anything too intense. You don’t want to go spanking someone with the fury of a thousand suns if you don’t know how to properly spank someone in a way that won’t cause damage. Likewise, you don’t want to tie someone to the bed only to realize you’re cutting off circulation to your partner’s hands. These practices are very fun and very safe if done correctly. But, that takes sharpening your skills.
Luckily, the internet can provide plenty of articles, online workshops, and videos to help you on your kinky journey.
Saynt suggests checking out videos and workshops from Jet Setting Jasmine and King Noire, two staples of the kinky community, who have taken their rigorous BDSM skills to the online space. You can also check out Sunny Megatron’s four-part video series on YouTube called BDSM 101. For some reading, check out The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino.
Even the act of learning about BDSM can be a form of foreplay and stress release—and it’ll give you something to do on those particularly dull and frustrating pandemic nights. We’re all a bit on edge right now. Make the most of it, and turn up the heat.
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