Female sexual desire is frequently misunderstood. Despite desire (also known as libido or sex drive) being the most common sexual health concern for women, most women aren’t really taught about it growing up. And if they are, the information is often inaccurate.
This lack of education not only perpetuates misinformation, stigma and shame about female sexual desire, it can also have a major effect on wellbeing and perceptions of satisfaction in intimate relationships.
But it’s never too late to understand desire and the many ways it can change – not just each day, but throughout life.
Desire is constantly changing
Sexual desire is best understood as a transient state. This means it can be affected by an array of factors – including stress, hormones, physical and mental health, certain medications, lifestyle and the balance of intimacy and eroticism in a relationship.
Desire is also a multifaceted response, which can either follow or occur at the same time as pleasure or arousal. This means feeling “in the mood” may not happen until after a woman is aroused. Desire can also occur with or without a partner and will vary in frequency and intensity. Sexual desire can also be affected by many environmental factors, which helps explain why it may wane during periods of stress or in longer term relationships.
Even factors such as gender roles and norms are thought to cause low sexual desire for women in heterosexual relationships. One study proposes that the inequities in the division of household labour, the objectification of women and gender norms surrounding sexual initiation (in which men are presumed to be the primary instigators of sex while women are presumed coy), all result in low sexual desire for women.
Understanding that desire is a transient and multifaceted response can help women to see that low desire isn’t a problem with our bodies – and that treating it may be a matter of addressing problems in other parts of their lives. It also helps to understand that it’s normal for desire to change and fluctuate, even on a daily basis, depending on what’s going on in a person’s life.
There are a number of reasons why this may be. For example, body changes that may happen during these transitional periods can affect body image and self-esteem, which in turn affects desire. Hormone changes can affect mood, and may also result in physical changes – such as vaginal dryness and dyspareunia (genital pain that occurs before, during or after sex), which are known to affect desire.
Perineal trauma (damage to the perineum during birth) can cause pain which may make women desire sex less. Experiences of pregnancy loss and infertility are also shown to lower sexual desire.
Importantly, these life transitions also affect other areas of our lives – and may lead to stress, fatigue, changes in relationship roles and less time for intimacy. This can all, in turn, lead to lower sexual desire.
Expecting that sexual desire may change or decrease during these periods can be helpful, as it may reduce self-blame and shame.
Desire can be cultivated
Desire can be cultivated at any stage of life. Recent psychosocial approaches to addressing low sexual desire emphasise the importance of balancing intimacy and eroticism, which is a focus on sensuality and pleasure over arousal and orgasm. Research indicates that, while intimacy is essential in healthy partnered sexuality, eroticism helps increase desire by promoting mystery and sexual excitement.
Sexual desire experts also suggest good strategies for cultivating desire including regularly communicating what feels good and what doesn’t with your partner, planning for sexual activity and finding ways to reduce distraction so you can focus on your body during sex.
Evidence-based treatments for low desire include mindfulness therapy, which can help women reduce distraction, increase focus on the sensations, thoughts and emotions they’re experiencing in the moment and help target negative self-judgment. Another treatment, sensate focus touch, which involves using non-sexual touch to promote more open sexual communication among couples, has also been shown to increase desire.
Sexual desire is unique to each person. If women were taught what sexual desire is and what to expect across our lives, they would be less likely to suffer the ill effects of this misunderstanding. Sexual desire is not a problem to be solved – but a skill to be learned and cultivated throughout life.
Many of us grew up reading glossy instruction manuals full of increasingly eccentric tips for pleasing a partner. A few memorable ones from my own tween reading years: Eat a doughnut off their genitals. Run an ice cube down their abs. Prior to sex, perform a chair-based dance routine. Moisten your mouth by imagining that it is full of Skittles. There were fewer instructions, of course, on how to help your partner please you.
If you have the kind of social media feed prone to churning up sex-positive Instagram infographics — or if you’ve ever masturbated — you are likely aware of the benefits of self-pleasure. Masturbation, wrote radical sex educator Betty Dodson in her 1987 classic Sex for One, is “the ongoing love affair that each of us has with ourselves throughout our lifetime.” Dodson, who later schooled Gwyneth Paltrow on vaginas for her Goop Netflix show, saw in masturbation nothing short of a path to world peace.
Sex educators rightly extol the endless upsides of masturbation: physical pleasure, relaxation, absolute safety from sexually transmitted infection, the powerful feeling of meeting your own needs. But telling people to masturbate for wellness reasons can begin to feel a bit like telling someone with depression to take a walk and drink a glass of water: It’s probably a good idea, but it’s annoying to hear.
For some people, this pervasive messaging has the opposite of its intended effect. “I have, over the years, also heard from many young women, especially, who feel pressured to masturbate—and some young men,” sex researcher Debby Herbenick tells Vox. Instead of masturbation as an act of personal discovery, it can feel like another tedious opportunity for self-optimization.
What the pro-self-service discourse sometimes neglects is this: Addressing your erotic needs through masturbation is a key strategy to bringing those same impulses to partnered sex, and for people with vaginas, it’s worth getting some reps in. And, of course, most of the research included in this space is on cis, straight people, so I recognize that these experiences won’t be universal — but everyone can benefit from a reminder that our bodies are worthy of pleasure.
Taking time to figure out what feels good
If you’re having meh sex with casual partners, pleasure-phobic pundits and well-intentioned friends might urge you to seek deeper emotional connection and monogamous commitment. Which, sure! If that’s what you’re into. There’s another option, though: Getting better at getting yourself off, so that you can give clearer instructions in the future.
“A lot of us are having unsatisfying sex. And they want that to change, but they want it to just change overnight,” says Dominique Oster, a sex and relationships therapist. “They want their partner to just suddenly get it. They want them to just suddenly know, but they don’t want to do the work that it takes to get there.”
When clients come to her sharing that they are unable to orgasm, or that they want sex but are simply unable to enjoy it in the moment, she, like many sex therapists, encourages them to practice masturbation.
“We owe it to ourselves to give ourselves and our nervous system a chance to re-regulate and create some new neural pathways,” Oster says. “This is not like a ‘Cosmo Five Tips to Better Orgasm.’ This is: How do I have better mental health around my body and my sexuality?”
Betty Dodson, in her ’80s masturbation manifesto, called it “the best way to gain sexual self-knowledge and to let go of old sexual fears and inhibitions.” She added, “For women especially, it’s a way to build confidence so we can communicate clearly with our lovers.”
A 2019 study of over 2,000 women found a stark contrast in the ways women were bringing themselves to orgasm through masturbation and the ways they attempted to orgasm with a partner. On their own, women “tend to use less conventional techniques for arousal during masturbation compared with partnered sex,” the researchers found. Those who were able to align their solo style with the way they had sex with a partner — conjuring fantasies, using vibrators, positioning their bodies in their preferred ways — had more orgasms, and better ones.
Of course, orgasm is not the only marker of a positive sexual experience, but it is a significant one. A study of young adults in 2019 found that people who orgasmed in casual sexual encounters were more likely to have positive emotions about those encounters. Critics of casual sex argue that it can lead participants, particularly women, to feel empty and worthless afterward. The reason could be a sense of loneliness or shame, but it could also be that sex didn’t feel that good physically. If that’s the case, the answer might not be to give up on sex, but to try to figure out what would actually feel good.
That’s what Maria Yagoda did. Yagoda is a sex writer who spent years recounting her sexual exploits online, writing articles with headlines like “What It’s Like to Ride a $2,000 Vibrating ‘Sex Machine.’” At 28, she finally admitted that she wasn’t enjoying sex — she was simply “enduring” it. She faked orgasms, approximating moans while thinking about the IRS. Even though she was technically a sex expert, she found it hard to acknowledge that, as she writes in her new book Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop, that “sex is meant to be pleasurable, not a method-acted performance of pleasure so gripping even the actor believes it.”
A pathway to better sex — including casual sex
It’s easy to read an account like Yagoda’s and conclude that casual sex is simply unfulfilling, and ought to be abandoned. Anti-hookup culture screeds, which often marry puritanism to the language of progressivism, argue that the answer is to contain sex within the framework of committed monogamy. Amid the often troubling critiques of hooking up is genuine concern for women’s sexual satisfaction and sense of erotic self-worth. In 2006, then-Washington Post reporter Laura Sessions Stepp fretted about the implications of hookup culture for girls’ futures as “mothers, workers, and members of a community.” She also worried, rightly, about whether the girls’ and women’s partners were treating them with care.
In a 2022 TikTok viewed nearly a million times, “very much pro-ho” creator Cindy Noir echoed these concerns, urging women to ask of their casual sex partners, “Does he value you and consider you and your pleasure? Is he trustworthy and safe for you and your body?” Hookup culture can sometimes be a “scam” for women, said Cindy. This is statistically true, at least as far as orgasms go — in heterosexual partnerships, men are vastly more likely than women to orgasm during casual sex.
Lack of pleasure is an excellent reason to avoid any kind of sex, casual or committed. But as Yagoda argues, “Pleasure is a practice.” Instead of renouncing casual sex, she set about discovering how to make sex more pleasurable for herself. She took up a period of celibacy to figure out, on her own, what she wanted. She practiced meditation and tried out various sex toys and lubes, enacting what Dodson called “the ongoing love affair” with herself. “I had never touched myself like this before, like a person I loved,” Yagoda wrote of her new approach to masturbation.
“The age-old difference between how men and women approach sex and sexuality is that men tend to be self-focused in their sexual experience or their exploration, and women tend to be more focused on the other person,” says Oster. “And that really gets in the way of us being able to experience what’s actually physically happening in our bodies.”
Getting your reps in
With self-pleasure, intentionality is key. “I don’t shy away from turning it into a chore,” says Oster of encouraging her clients to masturbate. “I really do like to remove some of the mysticism and some of the romance from this as a practice.” Lighting a scented candle is nice, she says. A clearer way to get in touch with the sensations might be to ask yourself, “What does this physically feel like? What thoughts are coming into my head? Can I return my body to the physical sensation when they do? Can I move through that and breathe through that and stay in my body?”
In 2022, researchers led by Herbenick published the first nationally representative survey on American masturbation habits in 10 years. Asked to share their primary motivation for masturbating, a significant number of women participants said they wanted to explore their sexuality. The study looked into a question that is debated by sex researchers: Does masturbating, in general, make people want to have more sex? Or less?<
There is some evidence for both theories, Herbenick told me in an interview, but the 2022 study found more evidence for the “complementary model” among women, meaning that women who had more partnered sex also had more solo sex. “You might be somebody who really enjoys your own fantasy and desire and arousal and orgasm through masturbation,” says Herbenick. “Doing so may help you to kind of feel enlivened and desirous, and sometimes the focus of that may be a partner.”
Couldn’t it be that women who have more frequent sex with men are actually masturbating more because they are unsatisfied?
“For some portion? For sure,” says Herbenick. But there is data, she says, that “certainly some people actually masturbate right then and there, right? Like they didn’t get an orgasm through their sex with their partner. So they will say, ‘Well, I just sort of rolled over and finished myself off.’” Practicing by yourself is good for that, too.
Practice makes pleasure
Two decades before Dodson’s masturbation manifesto, in 1966, sex researchers Virginia E. Johnson and William H. Masters published a groundbreaking report that included the following bombshell: “If there is no psychosocial distraction to repress sexual tensions, many well-adjusted women enjoy a minimum of three or four orgasmic experiences before they reach apparent satiation,” they wrote. After a decade of observing individuals masturbating and couples having sex, they had seen the truth with their own eyes:
Masturbating women concentrating only on their own sexual demands, without the psychic distractions of a coital partner, may enjoy many sequential orgasmic experiences without allowing their sexual tensions to resolve below plateau-phase levels.
Writing in crisp, clinical terms that nevertheless thrilled the reading public, they added: “Usually physical exhaustion alone terminates such an active masturbatory session.”
Masters and Johnson advised men to pay attention to their partners’ wants and stop guessing, applicable advice to people of all genders. “Rather than following any preconceived plan for stimulating his sexual partner, the male will be infinitely more effective if he encourages vocalization on her part,” they concluded. “The individual woman knows best the areas of her strongest sensual focus and the rapidity and intensity of manipulative technique that provides her with the greatest degree of sexual stimulation.”
Unfortunately, the average layperson has not read Masters and Johnson’s 1966 findings — so with that in mind, one must communicate one’s sexual desires directly. Doing so, instead of hoping that a sex partner somehow figures it out, involves “rejecting the idea of sexual chemistry as a rigid, fixed thing,” writes Yagoda. She cites the work of therapist Pamela Joy, who argues that people who want to get better at talking about their needs during sex should start with a much smaller step: just getting comfortable talking about sex outside of the actual act. You can take tiny sex talk steps by talking more honestly with friends, listening to sex education podcasts, and following sex and kink educators on Instagram.
Yagoda also recommends frontloading the communication — “Do you mind if we go slow tonight?” is a great thing to say to a hookup partner while the night is young and the Netflix original is still playing in the background. And when in doubt, she says, there are a few words to keep in your toolbox: “‘Faster.’ ‘Slower.’ Harder.’ ‘Softer.’ ‘Yes.’ ‘No.’ ‘Ouch.’ ‘Wrong hole.’”
Oster adds that if you have a consistent partner, telling them about your self-pleasure practice will help them keep up with what you like. “If we can encourage our partners to see that we are changing, that we are exploring, that can kind of reduce some of the charge of, ‘Well, she used to like this. Now she just must not like sex anymore.’” It’s not always obvious that people have evolving sexual tastes and desires, but those things can be framed as “dynamic,” Oster says, rather than a dead end.
Masturbation, like other sex-related things, is increasingly celebrated in the mainstream, while stigma is continually reinforced everywhere else. Mentioning masturbation in a sex ed class is still enough to garner a teacher death threats, but you can stand in a Target aisle and compare the Rabbit, the LELO, and the Dame vibrators. Jane Fonda recently gave Drew Barrymore a sex toy on daytime TV, but shame and fear still prevent people from being direct with their partners about pleasure.
“There is no specific technique that can turn bad sex into pleasurable sex,” Yagoda writes. “There is no new angle or position that can rehabilitate your relationship with pleasure. But there are so many little practices, little shifts in perspectives that can open our bodies up to pleasure.”
It’s true that masturbation has not yet brought about world peace, as Dodson once dreamed. Still, we’ll keep practicing until we get there.
If you’re someone who deals with stress and anxiety, the unwanted mental and physical effects can creep up during the most inopportune times. Perhaps you’re just hanging out, catching up on the latest episode of your favourite TV show and suddenly you begin to worry about everything in your life. Maybe you’re worrying about nothing in particular, but feel panicky nonetheless. Symptoms of anxiety include ruminating in your own thoughts, focusing on past regrets, a racing heart, sweaty palms, and a general feeling of impending doom. It’s a sneaky not-so-little feeling that can happen at any moment. And one of the worst moments it can strike is when you’re having sex and trying to orgasm.
“Anxiety and stress can have a huge impact on someone’s physical and mental health all around the body and, unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for sex, arousal and pleasure to be affected, too,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Melissa Cook tells Refinery29. During sex you’ll want to be present and enjoy the moment, but if you’re feeling anxiety during the act — whether it’s related or unrelated to sex — that can be a problem for your pleasure and your partner’s. This inability to be in the moment can affect your ability to climax.
Of course, orgasming isn’t the only goal of sex, but for many, it’s an important part of the sexual experience. And if you’re feeling anxious during foreplay, intercourse, oral play, or other sexual activities, reaching climax becomes harder, making it feel almost unreachable. Here’s exactly how feelings of anxiousness and stress can mess with your orgasms, and what you can do about it.
Anxiety Kills The Mood In Your Brain
For many people, focus is a critical element in experiencing an orgasm. And this is especially the case for those with vulvas. Many of us are conditioned to cater to our partner’s pleasure (especially if that partner is a cis man), putting it above our own, as society has long given precedent to the male orgasm. For those who aren’t men, orgasm can often feel secondary: great if it occurs, but certainly not necessary for a complete sexual experience.
Focusing on our bodies, without shame, can prove very difficult given this context. Though it varies from person to person, it takes the average woman about twenty minutes to become aroused enough to have intercourse. Allowing yourself the time to relax and get to that place can be an anxious person’s personal hell.
When you’re anxious, you typically can’t focus or be “in the mood” to orgasm. According to Avril Louise Clarke, a clinical sexologist and intimacy coordinator at ERIKALUST, anxiety has the ability to disrupt sexual energy and pull you entirely out of a positive headspace. “These negative emotions can interfere with the body’s ability to relax and fully engage in sexual activities,” she says. “The ‘fight or flight’ response triggered by stress can lead to heightened tension, making it difficult to reach orgasm.” In other words, when your mind is elsewhere, it creates a barrier to sexual pleasure.
“What’s more, when someone is anxious, they may be more likely to be self-critical of themselves, including about their body or sexual performance,” Cook adds. “This can affect someone’s self-worth and their overall sexual body image which can prevent someone from reaching orgasm or fully enjoying the experience.”
And it’s not just orgasms that are impacted by anxiety and stress. “In fact, sex as a whole can be affected by these feelings,” Cook explains. “To begin with, any type of stress, but especially chronic stress, can decrease someone’s desire to have sex. An anxious or stressed mind can result in someone not being fully present in the moment, meaning they lack libido or struggle to focus during sex.”
Anxiety Messes With Arousal
Stress and anxiety have long been linked to physical sexual concerns, as well. “This is because anxiety and stress can alter the body’s blood vessels and constrict them which makes it harder for someone to experience arousal and pleasure as during an orgasm the blood vessels rush to the genitalia.”
When you are aroused and when you orgasm, the body is flooded with dopamine, the brain’s motivation hormone, and oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which promotes feelings of tranquillity, closeness, and pair bonding. It’s a cocktail of all things that feel good.
When you’re stressed, your body releases cortisol, the body’s stress hormone. It is basically the arch-nemesis of orgasms. “Studies have found that an increase in the hormone cortisol can reduce overall sensitivity, again making it harder for that person to feel aroused and achieve orgasm,” Cook says. Plus, apart from stress’ impact on sex, studies have also linked cortisol to poor sleep, weight gain, and overall feelings of personal distress.
Because of these hormonal changes, stress and anxiety can also lead to vaginal discomfort. “In women, anxiety can result in the vagina muscles contracting frequently which can make penetration very challenging and sometimes painful,” Cook says. This can lead to pain, spotting, or tearing during sex. In short, anxiety impedes your ability to create the hormones needed to become properly sexually aroused.
How To Stop Anxiety From Hindering Your Orgasms
So how exactly can you have more orgasms and try to quiet the anxious thoughts inside your brain? “The most important thing to remember is you’re not alone and there are plenty of steps you can take that will help you to hopefully feel more relaxed in the bedroom and get closer to achieving orgasm,” Cook says.
Forget About Orgasms
For one, when you put pressure on yourself to orgasm, you become more stressed about not orgasming, which only makes experiencing orgasm that much harder. It’s a treacherous sexual catch-22. So, you might want to consider taking orgasm off the table for a bit and stop making climax the goal of sex. Learning to give weight to sexual pleasure in and of itself, rather than holding orgasm as the pinnacle of sexual fulfilment is a beneficial practice, in general. If you take away the pressure, sometimes things just flow better and make the whole experience enjoyable.
Communicate With Your Partner/s
Communication between sexual partners also goes a long way to help with stress in the bedroom. “I always advise couples to communicate first, in a safe and non-judgmental way,” says Cook. “Perhaps there is something that you feel you need in order to be able to orgasm or maybe you’d like to do things differently. Either way, you should both listen to each other and create an open environment where you can talk about your desires, preferences and boundaries.”
Build A Relaxing Environment
In the bedroom itself, it can also be helpful to build the right, comfortable atmosphere. “Consider lighting, candles and music to help you to relax and get into the moment,” Cook says. “You may also want to try foreplay in various settings including in the bath to help you to switch off.”
Try Breathwork Exercises
Another way to combat anxiety when it comes creeping in during sex is to simply breathe, which we often forget to do during sex. “Techniques to help you stay calm and focused on the sensations can help too, such as breathwork,” says Cook. Consciously pulling your breath into your body, letting it fill you, and releasing it slowly can help calm your mind and body. For more techniques, check out more breathing exercises here.
Avoid Drugs & Alcohol
Though it may sound counterintuitive, you should also avoid things like alcohol and drugs if you’re having trouble orgasming due to stress and anxiety. “While many see them as a relaxant, it’s also common for them to impact sexual ability and function,” Cook says.
Perhaps most importantly, though, try your best not to panic if you’re feeling anxious during sex. Be open about your feelings with your partner. Accept this challenge as a part of your life and commit to alleviating anxiety, when possible. Remember, it’s OK to ask for help.
Don’t Suffer In Silence
Anxiety — whether it’s a disorder you struggle with daily or something that happens sporadically — is a huge pain, but if we take time to recognise it for what it is and develop skills to cope, we can keep it from messing with our orgasms.
Orgasms aside, it’s also important to recognize the kind of anxiety you experience, whether it is sporadic or a more far-reaching mental health issue. If you experience debilitating anxiety on a regular basis, seeking professional help is a great first step. Society stigmatizes mental health almost as much as it does sex. Depending on the person, anxiety may or may not need the help of outside sources. Regardless, taking control of yours is a sign of strength.
— If you like disobeying daddy, this one’s for you.
by Mashable SEA
Make me.
This is the trademark saying for brats. A “brat” is a delightfully disobedient sub within the Dom/sub dynamic in BDSM. “Brats enjoy questioning dominance, as well as like for dominance to be proven to them,” says Emerson Karsh, a kink educator.
Why would you want to be a brat during sex? Why wouldn’t you? Being cheeky, disobedient, and naughty is fun. It creates a sense of playfulness that is often missing in sex. Being a brat is a very fun way to engage with your submissive side, without being a stereotypical sub. Brats are mouthy, badly behaved, and keen on punishment.
In BDSM, not all submissions look the same. Playing with power dynamics gets very creative in the kink world. “Brats get great enjoyment from playing [a game of] cat and mouse, defying authority, and in turn receiving a ‘punishment’ from their Brat Tamer,” explains Julieta Chiaramonte, a kink instructor and sex expert.
If you’re turned on by disobedience, this might be something you want to explore.
Let’s break down what it means to be a brat in BDSM, how you can approach it safely and consensually, and some tips to get you started on your merry way.
The brat is a very fun, quite cheeky submissive persona. It’s a submissive with a twist, Chiaramonte says.
A brat intentionally misbehaves in order to get a rise out of their Dom, often eliciting “punishments.” The brat enjoys driving the Dom a bit mad with their naughtiness. It’s all centered around defying authority, which can be very hot.
This all happens with enthusiastic consent. Everyone is on board.
The brat “may taunt, push boundaries, and really test their partners’ limits in hope of causing a reaction,” Chiaramonte explains. “This is very playful, and can be adjusted to your needs.” This all happens with enthusiastic consent. Everyone is on board. We’ll get into the nitty gritty of consent a bit later.
You might be asking how this is submission because, well, you’re being quite the brat. Karsh tells us that “brats express their submission in a way that is amusing, consensual, and done for a reaction.” You’re not being obedient in the classic Dom/sub way, but the brat will submit when their Dom decides to punish them.
The Dom is the ‘brat tamer.’
The brat tamer? You guessed it: This is the Dominant partner. They may choose to go by a different name (like sir, daddy, mommy, etc.), but the brat tamer is their style of Domination.
“Their ‘role’ is to put their brat in their place, remind them of the rules, and enforce punishments/order that they have created together,” Chiaramonte explains. “This is an authority role, and a brat tamer must be comfortable with taking control and being taunted by their bratty partner.”
Dr. Lee Phillips, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist, offers an example of the Brat/Brat Tamer dynamic in a scene: “In a role play, the sub (a brat) takes on the role of a subordinate to a moody boss. The ultimate goal is for the brat tamer to earn the brat’s respect because the brat enjoys pushing the brat tamer’s buttons by provoking them. In order to earn this respect, [the] Dom needs to tame or control the brat.”
This role is anything but soft, Karsh says. “A brat tamer is not afraid to put their foot down,” she says.
This role takes a lot of skill and development. Karsh continues, “A brat tamer is skilled in giving their brat space to be a brat and figuring out how to express and prove their dominance to their brat in response to their bratting — whether that be a punishment, orders, ignoring the behavior, or something else.”
Of course, all of this provoking and giving out punishments is 100 percent consensual in this dynamic.
How brats ‘act out’ (and how they get punished).
There is no clear-cut way to fully express the breadth of punishments and behaviors that can go into the brat dynamic, but we can certainly distill a few common examples.
Bratty dialogue.
Brats use “bratty” language with the explicit intention of provoking their Dom. Some common phrases include:
Make me.
That’s all?
You can do better than that.
You can’t make me.
Oh, yeah? What’s the worst that can happen?
Prove it.
Additionally, Philips says “a brat may act out by talking back to them by calling their tamer names, turning down a command, have a temper tantrum, ignore the tamer to provoke them, and speak when they are supposed to remain quiet.”
Bratty behavior.
Bratty behaviors run the gamut, but they’re usually done in a lighthearted, naughty way, Karsh explains. For example, if a Dom told the brat to “Come over here right now.” The brat might just sit down on the ground and refuse to move. Another example could be defying authority, Chiaramonte tells us. A brat tamer may tell their brat to be home at a certain time and the brat purposely comes back late. To be a brat is to be disobedient. And it’s all part of the fun.
Punishments for bratty little brats.
The ways a Dom can punish their brat are truly expansive. Punishments are negotiated before play takes place and everyone is always on the same page about what is on and off the table.
Some example of punishments:
Spankings.
Orgasm denial.
Forced silence.
Getting walked like a puppy.
Forced orgasm.
Bondage.
Tickling.
Being put in a cage.
How to engage in brat play in a safe way.
Do your research.
We can’t just jump into a role play without knowing what we’re doing. This can be a disaster. “Read articles and speak to others who are brats and submissives in your BDSM community,” Philips says. “If you are seeing a kink and BDSM-affirming therapist, they can help you explore BDSM as a part of your sexual identity or an aspect of sexual exploration.”
If you’re looking for a qualified therapist to help you explore this side of yourself, search for a kink-affirming therapist on the COSRT website. Be sure to check out their website and confirm that they are explicit about their work with kink.
Communication and consent.
If you want to have a good brat/Brat Tamer experience, you have to be on the same page as your partner. “Talk about your expectations, boundaries, limits, and what you hope to get out of this dynamic,” Chiaramonte says. “When you create this structure, you can play within the ‘lines’ and avoid unnecessary hiccups.”
Communication and consent are at the heart of positive BDSM dynamics. Scenes need to be thoroughly discussed so that everyone feels respected and taken care of. This takes a lot of trust.
“Talk to your Dom about your bratty interests first and discuss what the play will look like,” Philips says. “For example, will you be consenting to spanking if you misbehave? How hard do you want to be spanked for acting out? Do you want to be spanked over your tamer’s lap?”
Pick a safe word.
A safe word is a non-sexual word used in kink to denote that a boundary has been met. If you’re in a brat/Brat Tamer scene and something has crossed the line, you can invoke the safe word and stop the play. This gives you time to reconnect and figure out how you’d both like to move forward.
“All kink is a marathon, not a sprint.”
Go slowly.
This one truly cannot be emphasized enough. “All kink is a marathon, not a sprint,” Karsh says.
If you’re a brat beginner, you have to be willing to take your time and figure out what does and does not work for you. “Think and explore how brattiness will show up in your relationship. Being a brat can often come naturally [to some], so use that energy in exploring this in BDSM play.”
Don’t be afraid to get creative.
Your brat/Brat Tamer dynamic may grow and shift over time. Once you start getting comfortable in your role, you can test new and exciting ways to play with your brat side. “Don’t be afraid to get funky with it — your turn to do the dishes tonight? Have your partner find you drinking a glass of wine on the couch instead,” Chiaramonte says. As long as everyone is aware that this is role play, it’s all good.
BDSM is all about exploring different sides of yourself and having fun. If you want to embrace that bratty side of yours, go for it. There is no wrong way to play as long as everyone is having a good time.
— Poor sexual function is the most common consequence of prostate cancer treatment, but support through the NHS is patchy and many men suffer in silence.
When BBC presenter Gabby Logan and her husband Kenny, the former Scotland rugby union winger, experienced difficulties with their sex life after he had his prostate removed last year, rather than keep it under wraps, they decided to make a podcast about it.
The couple, who have been married for 22 years, discussed their issues in an interview about Kenny’s prostate cancer diagnosis and subsequent erectile dysfunction on Gabby’s podcast The Mid Point.
Kenny, 51, who won 70 international caps representing Scotland, said his wife, 50, had expected the passion in their relationship to be reignited “immediately” after his operation and when he was unable to perform, it knocked his confidence badly.
He said: “When we first tried to have sex after the operation, Gabby said, ‘Oh, it’s not working, that’s it, it’s not working’. You didn’t even give me a chance. What actually happened from that was my confidence went rock bottom.
Gabby and Kenny’s experience is far from unusual. In the UK, prostate cancer is the most commonly diagnosed cancer in men and more than 395,000 were living with it, or had been successfully treated for it, in 2018.
According to the Life After Prostate Cancer Diagnosis (LAPCD) study of 35,000 men in the UK, funded by men’s health charity Movember, poor sexual function is the most common consequence of prostate cancer treatment (79 percent with prostate cancer compared with 48per cent of men in the general population).
Unfortunately, the problem remains one that is either not addressed routinely or at all in prostate cancer care.
The LAPCD study found that 56 per cent of men were not offered any help with sexual dysfunction following their treatment.
Problems with sex can lead to stress, anxiety, anger and even shame.
Some men don’t like to talk about vulnerable feelings because they think they should be “strong and silent”. Others avoid talking because they’re overwhelmed or trying not to burden their partner.
But learning how to face these challenges and work through them can strengthen your sexual wellbeing, explains Dr Karen Robb, Implementation Director for Cancer at Movember. “Sexual wellbeing – the balance between the physical, social and emotional aspects of sex – has not always been a common topic of conversation, but fortunately that is changing,” she says.
“Talking about sex after prostate cancer can be uncomfortable but open communication between you and your partner, if you have one, is a key part of sexual recovery following treatment. Acknowledge what has changed for you so that you can do something about it, with the right support.”
Almost every kind of prostate cancer treatment, including surgery, can cause sexual dysfunction, the most common of which is erectile dysfunction or ED, following a prostatectomy (surgical removal of the prostate).
This means that although you may feel aroused or in the mood for sex, chances are you’ll have difficulty getting an erection.
Why does ED happen after prostate cancer surgery?
“Surgery to remove the prostate affects the nerves and blood supply around the penis,” explains Karen. “The penis needs a healthy blood flow to get an erection. Without this, it won’t become as hard as it did before surgery.”
During surgery, the entire prostate is removed. The nerves that help create erections run down the left and right sides of the prostate gland. The surgeon can usually take out the prostate without causing permanent harm to the nerves on either side.
But if your cancer is too close to the nerves, they may need to be cut out.
How long does ED last after surgery?
It might take some time to improve, and the level of function you get back depends on a number of things including your age, lifestyle, any medications you take and whether you had nerve-sparing surgery.
As Karen explains: “Some things you can work on, such as exercise and keeping a healthy weight.
“Some are a bit more out of your control. However, all are things you can talk about with your doctor and see what recommendations they have that can help.”
What can you do about ED after prostate cancer?
Sex and intimacy after prostate cancer can look different for everyone, but there are options to keep your sex life thriving. Exploring new ways to have sexual pleasure and intimacy is essential after treatment and can even be a way of improving your erections.
There are different types of medication and sexual aids that you can try, all with pros and cons.
Everyone is unique so you may need to try out a few options a number of times and perhaps in combination to settle on the best solution for you. Discuss this with your healthcare provider.
To support men and their partners following prostate cancer treatment, Movember has launched an evidence-based online guide
called Sex and Intimacy After Prostate Cancer.
Informed by sexual health experts, it covers ED, dealing with physical changes after surgery, connecting with a partner, restoring intimacy, and coping with stress and anxiety. It also provides practical strategies, such as exercises, information about medication and devices, and how to have conversations with your doctor or care team.
“It’s vital to talk and not to just ignore it”
Chris Pedlar, 56, took early retirement from the Environment Agency in 2022 after 33 years, and lives with his partner in Devon. Nine years ago, Chris became the third generation in his family to bediagnosed with prostate cancer.
“My grandfather died from prostate cancer and my father was treated for it when he was 60. He went on to live for another 25 years, cancer free. He made sure that I started having PSA tests at 45 and I was picked up as having medium-risk cancer at 48.
“I opted for surgery rather than radiotherapy as I knew I would have the option of additional radiotherapy later on.
“Due to my father’s experience, I knew beforehand what to expect. Although I recovered quickly from the surgery itself, I had some of the usual side effects, including erectile dysfunction and some minor urinary problems, which I’ll have for life. I tried all the usual interventions such as injections, which made me feel terrible, and pumps which, while they serve a purpose, are a huge commitment. It didn’t put me off seeking advice though.
“Sex is an important part of a relationship and just because you’ve had a cancer diagnosis, it doesn’t mean that part of your life is over.
“Cancer can put a massive strain on a relationship – it affects both partners and you need to be able to talk about it honestly with each other. My partner and I have found that humour is the best way to deal with the problems we had, and I was determined from day one, this was not going to get me down.
“Because of the stage my cancer was at when it was discovered, I wasn’t able to have nerve-sparing surgery. That meant drugs like sildenafil (Viagra) shouldn’t have worked for me because of the nerve damage caused by the surgery. Everyone’s situation is different, but I never gave up hope, and after three years I asked my doctor if I could give sildenafil a try to see if it would help in any way, and I was pleasantly surprised to find it worked for me.
“From the beginning, I decided to be very open about my cancer. I recognise that not everyone deals with the experience in the same way. A lot of men bury their heads in the sand and won’t ask for help, even though it is having a negative impact on their lives.
“I was comfortable with talking to my doctor about ED because I wanted to find a solution – but a lot of men are reluctant to even mention it and so they just suffer in silence, which can have a negative effect on their mental health and their relationships.
“We need to work harder to break down those barriers that prevent men from talking about problems seeking help and seeing their GP when they need to.”
— Experiencing a decrease in penis sensitivity can be a frustrating experience and something that people don’t often talk about. However, there are effective solutions available that can increase penis sensitivity and restore the pleasure experienced during sexual activities. This article will explore these solutions and provide valuable insights to help you regain a fulfilling and pleasurable sexual experience.
Penis desensitization refers to reduced sensitivity in the penis, which can cause frustration and diminished sexual satisfaction.
People seek to enhance penis sensitivity for increased pleasure, intimacy, and sexual performance, leading to improved sexual satisfaction, confidence, and body image.
Penis desensitization may result from overstimulation, specific techniques, nerve damage, circulation problems, Peyronie’s disease, medications, age, psychological factors, hormone imbalances, drugs, alcohol, or medical conditions.
Treatments may involve lifestyle changes, medical management, and the use of products or exercises like Kegel exercises, cock rings, and topical solutions.
People seek to enhance penis sensitivity for various reasons, including heightened pleasure, improved intimacy, and enhanced sexual performance. Increased sensitivity in the penis plays a significant role in sexual experiences, allowing for a wide range of pleasurable sensations, deeper emotional connections with partners, and improved sexual response. It contributes to higher levels of sexual satisfaction, fosters better communication between partners, boosts sexual confidence, and positively impacts body image.
Understanding penis desensitization
Penis desensitization refers to experiencing reduced sensation in the penis compared to previous levels. While some sensitivity remains, it is noticeably less than what was previously experienced, leading to frustration and diminished sexual satisfaction. It is essential to distinguish this condition from a completely numb penis, where a person is unable to feel any sensation in certain areas or the entire penis.
What causes penis desensitization?
Penis desensitization can be caused by various factors, including:
Overstimulation or rough handling. Penis desensitization can be caused by overstimulation or rough handling during sexual activities, including gripping the penis too firmly during masturbation. Frequent or intense sexual activity without sufficient breaks in between can lead to temporary desensitization.
Specific masturbation techniques. Using a specific masturbation technique consistently may cause the penis to get used to that particular stimulation, making it challenging to experience pleasure through other means.
Nerve damage. Nerve damage in the penis can decrease sensitivity by disrupting the transmission of signals between the penis and the brain, leading to reduced sensation and responsiveness to sexual stimulation.
Circulation issues. Circulation issues can contribute to penile desensitization by affecting blood flow to the penis. Reduced blood flow can impact the delivery of oxygen and nutrients to the penile nerves and tissues, leading to decreased sensitivity.
Sitting for long periods. Prolonged sitting or bike riding can contribute to penile desensitization, as the pressure and reduced blood flow in the pelvic region can affect nerve sensitivity in the penis.
Peyronie’s disease. Peyronie’s disease involves the development of fibrous scar tissue, or plaques, within the penis, leading to penile curvature. This can also decrease sensitivity due to scarring.
Certain medications. Certain medications, such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) used to treat depression and medications used to treat erectile dysfunction, have been associated with a decrease in penis sensitivity.
Age. Many people naturally experience decreased penis sensitivity as they age due to hormonal changes, reduced blood flow and nerve functioning, and medical conditions.
Psychological factors. Depression, stress, and anxiety are among the psychological factors that can contribute to penile desensitization.
Hormone imbalances. Hormone imbalances, such as hypogonadism, where the body doesn’t produce the correct amount of hormones, can cause a decrease in penis sensitivity.
Drugs and alcohol. Alcohol and drugs, including nicotine, can decrease sensitivity in the penis by affecting the nervous system and blood flow, leading to reduced nerve responsiveness and impaired circulation.
Certain medical conditions. Medical conditions and diseases such as diabetes, multiple sclerosis, heart disease, prostate disease or infections, and sexually transmitted infections can cause the penis to become desensitized.
How can you increase penis sensitivity?
Treatments for increasing penis sensitivity can vary depending on the underlying factors causing desensitization. Here are some potential approaches to enhance penis sensitivity:
Overstimulation or rough handling. To prevent overstimulation and rough handling, practice moderation during sexual activity and masturbation. Consider using lubrication to reduce friction and protect the delicate penile tissues. Experiment with different techniques and pressure levels to find what works best for maintaining sensitivity.
Nerve damage. If nerve damage is the cause of decreased sensitivity, consult a healthcare professional to identify the underlying condition and explore treatment options. Managing conditions like diabetes or multiple sclerosis can help preserve nerve function and potentially improve sensitivity.
Circulation issues. To enhance penile blood flow and sensitivity, maintain a healthy lifestyle that includes regular exercise, a balanced diet, and avoiding smoking. Consult a healthcare provider to manage circulatory issues that may contribute to decreased sensitivity.
Sitting for long periods. If your lifestyle involves extended periods of sitting, take frequent breaks to stand and move around. Invest in a cushioned seat or use ergonomic aids to reduce pressure on the pelvic area. If you are a regular bike rider, choose a seat that is wider and has cushioning.
Peyronie’s disease. If diagnosed with Peyronie’s disease, seek guidance from a urologist or specialist. They may recommend treatments like medications, traction devices, or surgery to address the condition and improve sensitivity.
Certain medications. If you suspect medications are affecting your penile sensitivity, consult your healthcare provider. They may adjust your medication or recommend alternative treatments to minimize side effects on sexual function.
Age. Adopt a healthy lifestyle to counteract the effects of aging on sensitivity. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and stress management can positively impact sexual health and function.
Psychological factors. Engage in stress-reducing activities like meditation, yoga, or hobbies to promote relaxation and improve overall well-being. Seek guidance from a mental health practitioner to address underlying psychological factors that may contribute to desensitization.
Hormone imbalances. Consult a healthcare professional for hormone testing and appropriate treatments if you suspect hormonal imbalances. Hormone replacement therapy may be recommended to address decreased sensitivity due to low testosterone levels.
Drugs and alcohol. Limit alcohol and drug consumption, as they can affect sexual function and sensitivity. Moderation or abstaining from these substances can lead to improved sexual experiences.
Certain medical conditions. Properly manage medical conditions like diabetes or cardiovascular disease with the help of healthcare professionals. Effective management can improve overall health and potentially restore penile sensitivity.
Are there products or exercises that can help?
Along with addressing any underlying causes of decreased sensitivity, several products and exercises can be beneficial.
Kegel exercises, which strengthen pelvic floor muscles, may enhance blood flow to the genital area, which could lead to increased sensitivity. Cock rings restrict blood flow out of the penis, which enhances erections and may intensify sensations. Various creams, sprays, and lubricants are available that can be applied directly on the penis, which stimulates the skin and potentially increases sensitivity.
When to seek professional help
When the decrease in sensitivity significantly impacts your sexual pleasure and daily life, or if you experience numbness in your penis or suspect an underlying condition contributing to the reduced sensitivity, seeking professional help is essential. Start by consulting a sexologist or a general practitioner who can guide you to the relevant specialist based on the underlying cause, ensuring you receive appropriate and targeted treatment for your specific needs.
How to communicate with your partner
Having open and honest communication with your partner about penile sensitivity is essential for maintaining a strong and intimate relationship. Sharing your feelings and experiences through “I” statements can help your partner understand the physical and emotional impact the decreased sensitivity may have on you. Approach the conversation with empathy and compassion, emphasizing that it is a medical condition rather than something caused by their actions.
Encourage your partner to actively participate in the discussion, seeking solutions as a team. Show appreciation for their understanding and support while addressing the issue. Being open about your needs and concerns allows your partner to be more empathetic and supportive, fostering a deeper connection and a more fulfilling sexual experience for both of you. Remember that communication is the key to overcoming challenges and building a strong and intimate bond with your partner.
EMILY NAGOSKI: Unfortunately, virtually all of the orgasms that are available to us in the mainstream media and in porn are fake. The classic example, of course, is “When Harry Met Sally,” Meg Ryan.
MEG RYAN: ‘Yes, yes, yes!’
EMILY NAGOSKI: Actually, what orgasm looks and sounds and feels like varies tremendously from person to person. But how do we learn about orgasm? We learn it from media, and we learn it from porn, and then we think we are doing it wrong if that’s not what our orgasm is like. And we’re not, we’re doing it right, we’re just not doing it the way we were told. And if other people have a problem with the way our orgasms actually are, those are not the people you have sex with. So the first thing we should talk about is what an orgasm actually is. Then we should talk about how they actually happen. Followed, of course, by why they sometimes don’t. And then at the end, I’ll give you some tips to have the biggest, most expansive orgasm you’ve had in your life.
I think people believe that orgasm is a genital function. It is not. Sometimes genitals are involved, but orgasm is something that happens in the brain. And there is a reliable neurological marker for when orgasm happens. And it depends how you measure it. If you measure it one way, at orgasm, the prefrontal cortex goes dark- all of the inhibitory impulses just vanish. In a different kind of machine, the brain lights up everywhere. It’s a whole brain response, orgasm. You have to have a brain to have an orgasm. How we experience an orgasm as pleasurable or not depends on the context in which we’re experiencing it. So when you have a great, sex-positive context, orgasm can feel really good. But for some people, they might have an orgasm during unwanted sex. In that case, the orgasm feels like a betrayal, like their body has done something wrong and they feel broken.
So what orgasm actually is, here’s the definition I use: “It is the spontaneous involuntary release of neuromuscular tension generated in response to sex-related stimuli.” People can have orgasms from having their toes sucked. People can have orgasms from having their ear lobe sucked. People can have orgasms through breath and imagination. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you wanted and liked it, then it doesn’t matter what kind of stimulation got you there. Whatever works for you, is what works for you.
So we can’t even necessarily differentiate between which organ in your body is causing the orgasm to happen. There’s only one: There’s a brain orgasm. We can really struggle around an issue like orgasm, which seems so simple, but we’re taught that our identities are tied to our ability to have orgasms. One of the common experiences for people who struggle with orgasm is this thing that sex therapists call “spectatoring.” Where instead of enjoying the sensations that are happening in your body, you’re sort of watching your body; and worrying about it and thinking about is your face okay, should you be bending your spine in that direction? And all of that worry about your body is just keeping the brakes on and making it more difficult for you to enjoy the sex you are having.
Charles Carver, the researcher in Florida who, with his colleagues, developed this mechanism called ‘Criterion velocity and the discrepancy-reducing increasing feedback loop.’ I just call it “the little monitor.” And it’s as if there is a little monitor in your brain that knows what your goal is. It keeps track of how much effort you put in toward that goal, and it notices how much progress you’re making toward that goal. And it has a strong opinion about the ratio of effort to progress. When your little monitor switches its assessment of your goal from being attainable to being unattainable, it pushes you off an emotional cliff from frustrated rage down into a pit of despair.
The ironic intervention when you’re struggling with orgasm is take orgasm entirely off the table for a long time, months at a time, and just explore your erotic landscape: experience high levels of arousal, and lower levels of arousal, and feel what it feels like to approach orgasm knowing that you are not going to have one. The reason we take away the goal entirely is to help the monitor relax. Are you achieving your goal? If your goal is pleasure, and your little monitor is like “Pleasure: check!” your monitor is released from the necessity of judging you and trying to motivate you to work harder. Working harder to have an orgasm is rarely the thing that’s gonna get people where they wanna go. And if people struggle too long and they feel like there’s something wrong with them and they’re broken, they absolutely find themselves in a pit of despair. And if you’re feeling in a dark place because there’s something wrong with your orgasms: connection with other people, connection is the most important antidote to the darkness. The only measure of an orgasm is whether or not you wanted and liked it. If you practice experiencing pleasure without making it goal-oriented or trying to achieve orgasm, but rather just to experience all the pleasurable sensations your body is capable of, you win every time.
So here’s an exercise that helps you to expand your orgasms: Anyone with any set of genitals of any gender identity can practice this. You can do it alone or with a partner. This takes about an hour, generally, and it takes a lot of practice. You gotta choose how you spend your time. You could do this or you could just like watch Netflix. It is not necessary in order to be a sexually-well person by any means; it is the equivalent of running a marathon. Nobody needs to do it, but if you need a hobby, I recommend this one. Versions of this are part of tantric meditations where they use Kundalini breathing in order to access different spiritual states, but ultimately, it’s about the physiology of how orgasm tension generates and dissipates. And when you can get to a place where as much tension is coming in as is going out at the same time, it’s like every cell in your body is resonating at the same rhythm, like you’re a bell that’s ringing. You’re gonna notice some things about this practice that will probably remind you of mindfulness or other forms of meditation, especially breath meditation.
I’m gonna ask you to pay attention to the sensations that are happening in your body. And that comes really easily to some people, and for others, it is quite difficult. They get distracted, and that’s fine. Like a mindfulness practice, if you notice other distracting thoughts come along, and maybe it’s a thought about body self-criticism, maybe it’s a thought about the past, just, “Hello, distracting thought. I’m gonna put you on a shelf right now, and I’m gonna turn my attention back to the sensations that are happening all over my body.”
Every orgasm is different from every other orgasm, but there are some strategies that work for a lot of people to move in the direction of having quite an enormous orgasm. You imagine arousal from like zero, not at all aroused to 10, currently having an orgasm. You stimulate yourself in whatever way works for you up to about a five, and then you allow that arousal to dissipate. You let yourself get back down to a one. So a one just feels like just barely any attention drifting toward orgasm. And then you stimulate yourself back up to a six, right? This is still a middle level of arousal. You’re not very aroused, you’re nowhere near orgasm. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a two and then you stimulate yourself back up to a seven. And if you are at the beginning of this process, you’re gonna be learning what seven feels like versus a three, which you’re gonna let your arousal drift back down to a three, and then you’re going up to an eight. And at eight, you’re real aroused. You might see the orgasm train coming to the station. It’s not there yet, but you can hear it- there’s a whistle. And then you allow your arousal to drift back down to a four or a five. And then you go up to an eight and a half, go back down to a six. And up to a nine.
Now when you get to a nine, the orgasm train is pulling into the station and the doors are opening and you would like to get on, but you’re gonna put active effort into allowing your arousal to dissipate. Remember, it’s neurophysiological tension, so you’re just going to allow the tension. You’re literally going to breathe and soften all the muscles of your body because as you get to that eight, eight and a half, nine level of arousal, you’re gonna begin to experience carpal pedal spasms, carpal like carpal tunnel syndrome. Your hands are gonna clutch and your feet are gonna point and your ankles. And that’s involuntary. And you’re gonna make a voluntary choice to soften all of your muscles and let your arousal go back down to a seven, which is a high level of arousal but it’s not an eight or a nine. And you go back up to a nine and a half. Now at a nine and a half, you’ve got one foot on the train and it might feel like it’s pulling outta the station. And you know what? If the train pulls outta the station while you’re on the orgasm train, “Oh dear, you had an orgasm.” That’s not failure, right? But, if you can, you keep your foot off the orgasm train and you go back down to an eight, nine and three quarters and an eight and a half, and a 9.85 where you are really close like you can feel the orgasm right there. And you’re gonna soften all the muscles in your body from your core out to the periphery. And at this point, you are oscillating right at the peak of where orgasm is. And if you can maintain a balance of tension generation and tension relaxation, you can stay in that state and sustain it indefinitely.
Don’t worry if your first time isn’t perfect “It’s not helpful to think of sex as having one big ‘first time’. You’ll probably have lots of first times,” says Milly Evans, author of Honest: Everything They Don’t Tell You About Sex, Relationships and Bodies Instead, she advises breaking it down into all the individual firsts you might have – “your first time having oral sex, penetrative sex, using hands or using toys”. Even if you experience all of these with one person, there will be a whole new set of firsts to explore with a different partner.
Communication is the thing that matters most This holds true whatever age you are, according to Clover Stroud, author of My Wild and Sleepless Nights “Communicating clearly about desire, or how you like to be touched or treated, isn’t easy. I wish I’d known how much sex improves as you get older and become more confident about what you like and how to communicate those needs.”
Being ready to have sex is more than just a feeling
“It’s about lots of practical and emotional things too,” says Evans. “Does the idea of having sex make you excited or anxious? Do you know enough about contraception, STIs and consent? Do you know where to access support if something doesn’t go to plan? Would you have to drink alcohol in order to feel confident enough to have sex? Is there a safe place for you to have sex? Safety, comfort and wellbeing are essential.” If you can’t answer all of these questions positively, you probably aren’t ready.
Think about what you want ahead of time “Reflecting can help you feel more prepared and in control,” says Evans. “Take a look at boundaries around things like touch, communication and time. Ask yourself if the relationships or sex depicted on TV, in books or on social media are what you’d like from your own. And remember that sex is something that happens with you, not to you – speak up about what you want, and encourage partners to do the same.”
Switch off negativity “As you’re looking at movies or television or porn, or magazines or music videos or social media, ask yourself, ‘After I see this, am I going to feel better about my body as it is today, or worse?’” says sex educator Emily Nagoski, in her book Come As You Are. “If the answer is ‘worse’, stop buying or watching those things.” This is especially important where porn is concerned.
As the recent report from the children’s commissioner for England, Rachel de Souza, has highlighted, the increasingly abusive, aggressive behaviour depicted on many mainstream porn sites is normalising sexual violence and exploitation among teenagers, affecting their mental health and undermining their ability to develop healthy sexual relationships.
You have the right to change your mind
“Don’t feel pressure to do something sexually that you’re not comfortable with,” advises psychotherapist Silva Neves, author of Sexology: The Basics. “You can always say ‘no’ or ‘pause’, or say ‘no’ after you’ve said ‘yes’.”
Age 25-35
It’s good to simmer
“The happiest erotic couples make a point of enjoying feeling aroused together for its own sake – even on days when sex isn’t on the menu,” says US sex therapist Stephen Snyder, author of Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship. “In sex therapy we call this simmering. It’s what teenage couples do whenever they get a moment’s privacy. Quick, intimate bodily contact, fully clothed – just enough to get you slightly buzzed.”
Penetrative sex isn’t the gold standard (nor, for that matter, is simultaneous orgasm) Many of what we have come to perceive as cultural markers of sexual excellence are spurious ideas that are now being refuted by science – and more honest, open debate around the subject. Such ingrained cultural beliefs are worth challenging. Do what works for you rather than what society tells you ought to work for you. For example, says Neves: “Many gay men don’t have anal sex at all, but prefer oral sex and intimate touching. Similarly, many women have very good sex without penis-in-vagina sex.”
You need to set the right conditions for sex Context is everything, explains Nagoski. If you’re feeling relaxed, loved and fully present (as opposed to, say, worrying about an email you need to send, an argument you’ve just had, or whether the children might walk in on you) you’re likely to have better sex. If you’re not, it doesn’t matter how sexy your partner is, how much you love them, how fancy your underwear is or how many candles you light – almost nothing will activate that desire. Nor is it about what you do with your partner, which body parts go where, or how often, or for how long. It’s about sharing sensation in the context of profound trust and connection, and recognising the difference between what great sex is really like and what most of us expect great sex to be like.
You don’t have to have sex at all “Gen Z are having less sex than millennials, who have less sex than older generations. This is often treated as a bad thing, but it might reflect more self-awareness in a hypersexual society,” says Aimée Lutkin, author of The Lonely Hunter: How Our Search for Love Is Broken. “Think about what you want out of sex and be honest about whether it is the thing you are really seeking. Is it intimacy? Community? Distraction? If it is sex, that’s great. The more in touch you are with your needs, the more likely it is you’ll make the connections you want to.”
Commitment and monogamy can be exciting “In my teens and 20s, I thought good sex was about physical desire,” says Stroud, “but in my 30s I realised that feeling psychologically ‘seen’ by another, and trusting them implicitly, is where good sex starts. Then you learn to take huge risks with them too. At that point, commitment and monogamy get really exciting.”
Age 35-45
It’s normal for sex to drop off the list of priorities “When you have a new baby or you’re caring for an elderly parent, overwhelmed with work or coping with some other form of stress, sex won’t be top of the agenda (though for some it will be a useful stress reliever),” writes Nagoski. “Don’t panic about it. It’s a phase you’ll pass through when you’ve managed the stress, and you’ll find your way back to the other side.”
Have a six-second kiss “Greet one another at the end of the day with a kiss that lasts at least six seconds, or a hug that lasts at least 20 seconds. That guarantees you will both produce the hormone of emotional bonding, oxytocin,” says relationships expert John Gottman, co-author of The Seven-Day Love Prescription.
Make sex a priority “Don’t make lovemaking the very last item on a long to-do list,” says Gottman. “Make it a real priority. Go on an overnight romantic date at a local B&B, or farther afield, at least four times a year.”
Don’t try to second-guess what your partner will enjoy Whether you’re trying to sustain sexual satisfaction in a long-term relationship or wondering why a new partner isn’t responding to your usual moves the way a previous one did, the key is to be really honest about what works (or doesn’t) for you, instead of expecting your partner to guess. “About a quarter of women orgasm reliably with intercourse,” writes Nagoski. “The other 75% sometimes, rarely or never do, but might orgasm through manual sex, oral sex, vibrators, breast stimulation, toe sucking or pretty much any way you can imagine. They’re all healthy and normal. Similarly, a woman can be perfectly normal and experience arousal nonconcordance, where the behaviour of her genitals (being wet or dry) may not match her mental experience (feeling turned on or not).”
Have sex with yourself
Whatever age you are, “masturbation can be a great way to explore your body and fantasies”, says Evans. “Spend time creating your own storylines and find out what turns you on. You can also explore a whole world of visual, written and audio erotic content – but make sure it’s ethical (ie it is consensual, treats performers with respect, and pays performers and makers fairly). Audio erotica, in particular, has become more mainstream, especially among those who aren’t into visual porn, enjoy bringing their imagination into solo sex or want to try something new.” Two of the best-known platforms are Quinn and Dipsea, but it’s a fast-growing market.
Mothers are allowed to enjoy sex, too “It is a complicated balance, being both a mother and a sexual being,” says Lucy Roeber, editor of the Erotic Review, which relaunches later this year. “In our society, we sometimes expect women who give birth to pass through a door into an idealised state of maternal preoccupation without a backward glance. Yet they have the same messy lusts and cravings. My advice is: don’t strive to be too perfect a mother and don’t deny yourself pleasure. It is surprisingly easy for women to accidentally put their sexual being to one side while they work on motherhood. Yet the two can and should work together. After all, in most cases, it was sex that started the process of parenthood in the first place.”
Age 45-55
To cuddle or not to cuddle? Snyder says that “cuddling tends to deplete a couple’s erotic energy. If you like to cuddle together while watching TV, then be sure to ‘simmer’ [see above] during the ad breaks.” Gottman, however, advises “a daily cuddling ritual for watching films and TV shows at home where you actually stay physically in touch with one another. On one of these nights offer to give your partner a 15-minute massage.”
Don’t wait for desire to strike – practise creating it “Too many couples only have sex when they feel desire,” says Snyder. “That’s fine when you’re 20. But by 50 most people are more interested in a good night’s sleep. What to do? Have sex anyway.” Nagoski agrees that pleasure matters more than desire. She says: “Create a context that allows your brain to interpret the world as a safe, fun, sexy, pleasurable place. It’s called responsive desire and it asks that your partner help you in creating good reasons for you to be turned on. While some people have a spontaneous desire style (they want sex out of the blue); others have a responsive desire style (they want sex only when something pleasurable is already happening). The rest, about half of women, experience some combination of the two.”
Embrace body confidence “I’ve found that being in my 40s is entirely liberating. We get better as we shed the self-consciousness of youth, the desire to please, the emotional pliability. I love my body. It is the map of the years I’ve lived,” says Roeber. Nagoski questions wider sex-negative culture. “If you’ve learned to associate sexual arousal with stress, shame, disgust and guilt, you won’t have as good a sex life as someone who associates it with pleasure, confidence, joy and satisfaction,” she says. “Begin to recognise when your learned disgust response is interfering with your sexual pleasure. Your genitals and your partners’, your genital fluids and your partners’, your skin and sweat, and the fragrances of your body – these are all healthy elements of human sexual experience.”
Manage the menopause Hormonal changes during the menopause and perimenopause can trigger a host of symptoms (low libido, fatigue, low mood, vaginal inflammation or dryness) that do not make a recipe for romance, according to Dr Louise Newson, GP, menopause specialist and founder of the Balance app. “If you notice any of these changes, see a healthcare professional for a proper diagnosis and to discuss treatment options.” Don’t assume these issues will only start in your late 40s, either. “Though the average age of menopause is 51, one in 100 women will go through menopause before the age of 40. Even if you have an ‘average’ menopause, the perimenopause often starts in your early 40s.”
Have a sex date “Set a date to meet naked in bed to do absolutely nothing at all,” advises Snyder. “Talk, if you like, but this isn’t the time for deep conversation. Instead, focus on experiencing what’s going on in your body at that moment. Time is an endless string of such moments. Pay attention to a few of them. That’s often the best preparation for good lovemaking afterwards.”
Learn how to reconnect “It can be hard to connect to someone intimately if you don’t feel connected to them emotionally. Launching into ‘You don’t make me come any more’ or ‘You never want sex and I feel rejected’ will put your partner on the defence,” says Ammanda Major, head of service quality and clinical practice at Relate. “Saying, ‘I’ve noticed we seem to have drifted a bit on this and I’m really hoping we might talk about it’ is gentler. You’re not making assumptions about what your partner might be feeling, but you are showing that you’re interested in what they have to say about it. Once you’ve got those things in place, you can have a conversation about how to deal with it.”
You’re never too old to experiment “We have one body, but it can experience so many different forms of pleasure, especially when we open our minds. The more we accept the lie that our lives are over at 40, the more we are just cutting ourselves off from possibility,” says Lutkin. Newson agrees: “Your 50s and 60s can be a time of sexual liberation when your children may have flown the nest or you may be back on the dating scene after the end of a relationship. Many of my patients tell me that HRT and testosterone have given them a new lease of life. Make sure you are using lubricants [see below] and toys that are safe. These can ease discomfort and make sex more enjoyable, but many brands of lubricant contain irritants like glycerine and parabens, and should be avoided.”
Age 55-65
Focusing on sex drive is a wrong turn
So often we use the catch-all phrase “sex drive” to describe our enthusiasm for, or lack of interest in, sexual activity. In reality the process is more complicated than whether you’re feeling in the mood or not. “Your brain has a sexual ‘accelerator’ that responds to ‘sex-related’ stimulation: anything your brain has learned to associate with sexual arousal,” says Nagoski. “It also has sexual ‘brakes’ that respond to anything your brain interprets as a reason not to be turned on. Constantly monitoring for footsteps in the hallway? Have sex when no one else is home. Tired? Have a nap. Icked out by grit on the sheets? Change them. Cold feet? Put on socks. Sometimes it really is this simple.”
Follow the recipe for romance
While everyone’s particular sexual preferences may differ, studies suggest there are some commonalities among couples who claim to have great sex lives. “From the largest study ever done on what makes for great sex, the Normal Bar study, as well as our own studies, there are a baker’s dozen suggestions that set apart people who say they have a great sex life from people who complain that their sex life is awful,” says Gottman. “Things that work include kissing passionately, giving each other surprise romantic gifts, talking comfortably about their sex life and having weekly romantic dates.”
Manage dryness “One symptom affecting a healthy sex life that should be on every woman’s radar is vaginal dryness,” says Newson. “You might also experience soreness, itching, irritation, painful sex, vulval changes and UTIs. It can be hugely distressing – I’ve treated women who have been in so much discomfort they can’t put on a pair of trousers or even sit down, let alone have intercourse. But it can be managed by using vaginal oestrogen or HRT and avoiding tight-fitting clothing. You should also avoid perfumed soaps and shower gels or intimate-hygiene washes.”
Find out what you like as a couple and make it happen Monogamy is sometimes framed as the death knell of erotic connection, but, says Nagoski, this is a red herring. “Passion doesn’t happen automatically in a long-term, monogamous relationship. But it does happen if the couple takes deliberate control of the context,” she says. So find out what is pleasurable for you as a couple and spend time creating the context that leads to it. Often, but not always, we fall into one of two categories – those who need space from a partner in order to create spontaneous desire and those for whom great sex tends to happen when it’s preceded by affection and intimacy.
Don’t take things for granted People often get stuck in familiar routines in the bedroom but, whether you’re with a long-term partner or starting a new relationship, it’s important to check in now and then and ask whether your usual approach is working. “If something doesn’t feel quite right, it’s important to be able to talk about it honestly and caringly,” says Major.
Age 65-plus
Don’t rush things “If you’ve been in a partnership for many years that has now ended, you may want to get out there and meet people,” says Major. “But if something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Whether you’re 18 or 58, having sex is something to do when you feel confident that there is a degree of trust. New partners may have different expectations from you and different experiences. That’s potentially two very different sets of boundaries.”
Make the wellness connection Older generations sometimes see sex as a taboo subject. If that’s the case for you, try reframing sexual wellbeing as one component of your wider physical and mental wellbeing. Whether you’re eager to discover positions that are easier on arthritic joints or prefer the closeness of a cuddle, maintaining intimacy can significantly boost overall wellness. Conversely, good health habits can improve our sexual wellbeing, particularly as the effects of ageing start to kick in. “Not drinking too much, eating sensibly and exercising regularly can all have a beneficial impact on our sex lives,” says Major.
Seek medical help when needed Many older couples say erectile dysfunction medications make sex less anxiety-provoking, says Snyder, just as a lubricant can help some women. “Sex and worrying don’t go well together. As a sex therapist, I’m always happy when a couple has one less thing to worry about.” Major agrees: “Issues like erectile capacity and vaginal dryness need not rule out a satisfying sexual connection. But seeking medical help where needed is important – lumps, bumps, weird bleeding and poor erectile capacity can be symptomatic of health issues. And with the number of STIs in the over-65s having significantly increased as people move out of long-term relationships and start new ones, it’s important to get checked out.”
Strive for connection “Being able to share intimacy with a partner, as opposed to just wanting intimacy for yourself, is vital,” says Major. “Your level of energy or physical connection might be quite constrained, but it’s very possible through gentle touch, words or kindness to maintain that core intimacy. For some couples, the physicality of sex becomes unimportant in later life, but what they have is a deep emotional connection – an ability to talk honestly and openly and caringly with one another.”
Welcome your sexuality “The most important thing you can do to have a great sex life is to welcome your sexuality as it is, right now,” says Nagoski, “even if it’s not what you wanted or expected it to be.”
Frances and her wife have been together for more than 40 years, and early on in their relationship they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. Then came three children and a series of health issues (along with accompanying medications) that slowly eroded her wife’s libido.
“Her interest just went away,” said Frances, 61, who asked not to be identified by her last name out of respect for her wife’s privacy. “What had been maybe once a week went down to maybe once a month, then maybe once a year. Then at some point, it just stopped.”
For 10 years now, the couple has been in a sexual drought. Frances loves her wife and said their marriage was “strong.” But she also longs for the “mutuality” of sex.
“I find myself fantasizing about just about everyone I meet, and I feel guilty for these thoughts,” she said. “I feel like I’m crawling out of my skin.”
Recently, The New York Times asked readers about libido differences, and more than 1,200 wrote in, many sharing deeply personal stories of how they have navigated sexual incompatibilities. We also spoke to sex therapists and researchers who said that discrepancies in sexual desire were common, almost to the point of inevitability in long-term relationships. Research suggests that desire differences are one of the top reasons couples seek out therapy.
“I’m inclined to say that this happens in almost every partnership, either some of the time or more perpetually,” said Lauren Fogel Mersy, a psychologist, sex therapist and co-author of the forthcoming book “Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.”
Many factors can influence libido: interpersonal dynamics, physical and mental health, the social messages around sexuality that people absorb during childhood and adolescence. The list goes on, and there are seldom easy fixes. But Dr. Fogel Mersy and other experts said more communication could help couples bridge gaps in sexual desire.
Focus on improving communication, not on trying to match your libidos.
When she sees clients with libido differences, Dr. Elisabeth Gordon, a psychiatrist and sex therapist, does not focus on lowering one partner’s sex drive or increasing the other’s. Instead, she helps partners understand what is driving those differences — which could be anything from relationship concerns to work stress — and, crucially, how to talk about them.
“I say this again and again, but the most important thing we can do is improve communication,” Dr. Gordon said. “Communication is the bedrock of sexual health.”
Joel, 40, and his wife of 12 years have struggled with sex for much of their marriage. The couple come from backgrounds that were rigid in different ways: His family was religious, and hers tended to avoid emotional topics. He is the partner with higher desire, and often can’t find the words to convey his frustration.
“I don’t want to feel needy,” said Joel, who also asked not to be identified by his last name to protect his family’s privacy. “And yet, at the same time, I want to express how important this is to me.” He said it can be “lonely” and “confusing” to sometimes feel like your partner is just not attracted to you anymore.
Dr. Gordon reminds clients like Joel of the basic tenants of good communication. Set aside a time to talk that isn’t at the end of a long day or when you are attempting to multitask. Consider what setting would help you feel comfortable, Dr. Gordon said, such as over a quiet dinner or during a walk.
Kristen Mark, a professor at the University of Minnesota Medical School’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health, recommended using “I” statements, which can feel gentler and help curb defensiveness. (For instance, “I am not feeling much sex drive lately, because I am tired” or “I want to feel closer to you, whether we have sex or not.”) Or, she said, try the “sandwich method” — sharing a request or more difficult statement between two compliments.
Take time to identify intimacy inside and outside the bedroom.
Sex therapists who work with couples experiencing desire discrepancies may nudge their clients to expand their so-called sexual scripts. These are ideas people sometimes cling to about what sexual intimacy “should” look like and how it “should” unfold.
What matters is that you’re setting aside time for intimacy, whatever that means to you, Dr. Gordon said. For instance, she has seen clients who have compromised by having one partner hold the other while he or she masturbates.
Most people have never thought about what, specifically, they get from sex, Dr. Mark said. Is it all about the physical pleasure? Fun? Emotional release or connection? Ask yourself, then try to brainstorm ways other than sex that you and your partner might fulfill at least some of those needs, she said.
Sex brings Jack, 23, and his boyfriend closer emotionally, he said, but they’re not having it as often as his boyfriend would like. Jack, who asked not to be identified by his last name out of respect for his partner’s privacy, has dealt with mental health issues that have hampered his sex drive. So he and his boyfriend have looked for other ways to foster the kind of intimacy they get from sex.
“Things as innocent as hugging or holding hands or standing next to each other and leaning on each other while we cook are important,” Jack said, “despite it not always being sexual,” he added.
Despite these moments of connection, his partner still struggles with hurt feelings, and Jack often feels like something is wrong with him. But finding ways to be intimate without being sexual has “helped combat some of the frustrations,” he said.
Be open to the different types of desire.
There are generally thought to be two types of sexual desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire comes on suddenly, much like what we see in movies or TV. Responsive desire happens in reaction to physical arousal through any of the five senses, like a pleasing touch or visual cue. It can happen quickly, or it can take some time to build up. People tend to overlook the benefits of responsive desire, Dr. Fogel Mersy said.
“Without teaching people that there are different types of sexual desire, many are left feeling broken,” said Jennifer Vencill, a psychologist and sex therapist who wrote the book “Desire” with Dr. Fogel Mersy.
In their book, they suggest partners consider the “willingness model,” a 0 to 10 scale, to answer the question: Am I willing to see if my sexual desire will arise or respond? A 0 means you are not willing to try to create responsive desire — and that is OK. (Consent is crucial.) But if you are at a 5, are you willing to hug or lie with your partner, and see if you feel open to more physical contact from there?
Seek outside help.
Therapists, particularly sex therapists, can be a valuable, and often underutilized, resource for couples with mismatched libidos. If the desire imbalance is causing fights or distance in your relationship, you might consider couples counseling. Ask prospective therapists whether they have dealt with your issue before, and don’t be afraid to offer feedback after a few sessions. Research shows it can make therapy more effective.
Keep in mind that sex therapists cannot treat underlying health conditions that may be affecting libido, such as pain associated with sex, low desire from certain medications or erectile dysfunction. Anyone with those concerns should see a physician.
Much of the work sex therapists do is focused on adjusting their clients’ expectations and normalizing experiences, Dr. Gordon said.
“We want them to understand,” she said, “that discrepancy in desire is extremely common, really normal, and it can be worked with.”
If you’ve ever heard someone say their sex life is subpar, chances are a lack of foreplay is on their list of complaints. This gripe is so common that most of us treat it as fact — consistently skipping foreplay leads to consistently disappointing sex.
What we rarely talk about, however, is what comes after sex, and it’s arguably even more critical than foreplay. The way we behave post-intercourse affects our sexual health, how we feel, how we value ourselves, and how we view sex.
What is Sexual Aftercare?
Just as foreplay deals with the way we treat each other before sex, aftercare is about how we treat each other when sex is over. It encompasses a wide range of activities that involve your body and mind.
Hygiene and Self-Care
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again: pee after sex! This is the easiest and most common example of postcoital hygienic self-care. Peeing after sex can help prevent infections or irritation in your genitals.
Do you or your partner take any medications? Setting the alarm or reminding each other to take them after sex, if needed, is aftercare. Anything that promotes your overall health and comfort is usually a good idea, such as a glass of water or a hot shower.
A hot cup of tea or a greasy order of takeout can help your bodied replenish nutrients. If you’re the kind of person who’s very active during sex, you may want to soothe your muscles by stretching, trading massages with your partner, or simply cuddling together for a while.
You might be noticing a theme here; aftercare is about you and your partner taking care of each other. It doesn’t matter if it’s casual sex, a new relationship, or your spouse of many years; your experience will always be more positive when you express intimacy and care, even if you don’t plan on staying together.
Intimacy and Emotional Well-Being
The human mind is an enigma, so it’s never easy to tell what your partner – or even yourself – needs after sex. Some of us naturally want distance, while others want to be closer. Some need the validation of physical touch and conversation, while others feel overwhelmed by intimacy and just need to spend ten minutes alone on their phone.
As long as it doesn’t hurt your partner, there’s no wrong answer; that’s why communication is so important. If you’ve been with your partner a while, they might already know what you need after sex and be ready to provide. If they’re a newer partner, you may need to learn what they need while expressing what you need.
So tell them and ask them what. It’s okay to say that you want to cuddle or that you need space. It’s okay to balance your needs with theirs. At some point, most of us will experience Post-Coital Dysphoria (PCD), which hits us with a tide of sadness, irritability, or even tears after sex. If this happens, it’s okay! Let your partner know what’s going on and that it’s not their fault. If they’re experiencing PCD, let them know it’s okay and ask what they need.
Most of all, though, be cognizant and considerate of both your emotions. Treat each other as attentively and kindly as you did before sex.
Why Aftercare Matters
Whether we like it or not, sex is an experience that triggers some kind of emotion and connection in most of us. Even the partners who run for the door when it’s over aren’t necessarily feeling nothing; rather, they’re cautious about what they might feel.
That’s okay, and to each their own, but sex is inherently intimate. When we treat each other with care and consideration after sex, we build on that intimacy. In a relationship, this brings two people closer together and positively associates sex with feelings of nurture and love.
Even after casual sex, good aftercare reaffirms both partners’ inherent value as people. In simpler terms, it reminds us that we deserve to be treated well even when no one wants something from us. This not only boosts our self-esteem but it reinforces positive behaviors that make us better lovers and better people.
On the other hand, ditching aftercare can make both partners feel the opposite. It’s common for people who neglect aftercare to feel used, and their self-esteem might take a hit too. In long-term relationships, this can give one or both partners negative feelings toward sex. This, in turn, might make them lose interest in sex, which often causes other problems in a relationship.
In terms of hygiene, people who don’t pee or clean themselves after sex are more likely to suffer from infections or deal with irritation in or around their genitals. No one wants that.
So why is aftercare so important? It keeps your body healthy and your sexual experience positive. In a relationship, it enhances your intimacy and, in any scenario, it reminds you that as a human in any situation, your partner is worth taking care of — and so are you.
The story of how I lost my virginity — a tale I long held onto — was a lie. A fiction as false as the construct itself, I fabricated the narrative to please my boyfriend. Before we got together, he expressed that my chastity was one of the most appealing qualities I possessed. His previous girlfriend had not been a virgin, and he resented not having been her first. Sloppy seconds, the boys called it. Although I became sexually active with him, I’d done it once before, a fact that I clearly needed to keep secret if I wanted him to pick me.
This double standard barely registered to me as a teen. Though premarital sex was not allowed, it was normal for men to have sex before marriage. Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.
Over a decade of affiliation, I watched as the church judged and punished dozens of women for acting upon their desires. The men who did the same didn’t face any humiliation or consequences. Sequestered behind closed doors for hours, girls had no choice but to answer to a tribunal of elders — three or four self-appointed, middle-aged white men — who, through an intimately inappropriate line of questioning and based on the rumors they had heard about each girl’s behavior, assessed her level of repentance. From what I saw, the tribunal never believed any of the women or girls were contrite.
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“Raised as a Jehovah’s Witness, a sect of US evangelical Christianity, my mother hoped the religion would safeguard her daughters against the violence she’d endured — a common response to abuse and gender discrimination. In reality, however, organized religion often uses fear to control our bodies, corrupting natural rites of passage through an anti-pleasure philosophy.”
— jessica hoppe
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When the elders deemed the victims guilty, everyone would find out. An appointed elder read their names aloud at the following service, publicly declaring their status to the congregation as disfellowshipped, which initiated a period of banishment. No one could speak to or acknowledge her for months — some for years — until the elders decided she was repentant and approved her reinstatement.
Through this indoctrination and the gravity of our family history, I began to think of my sexuality as separate from my body, aligning myself with the dictates of purity culture in order to be chosen. So I could feel safe. I had no idea I’d fallen prey to a favorite instrument of white supremacy.
Evangelists contextualize sex exclusively within a heteronormative framework and uphold the image of a thin, able-bodied, cis, straight, white woman as the epitome of purity, perpetuating colonial and Eurocentric values that systemically oppress women of color. The promise to wait for marriage seems universal, but what is the result when that aspiration is unattainable no matter your actions because it’s at odds with your identity?
As it turns out, it can wreak havoc on your mental health and familial relationships. A study conducted at University of Massachusetts Boston found that while the normalization of oppression — the restriction of sexual agency, the teaching of shame as a response to pleasure, and the perpetuation of rape culture — harms all, women of color were uniquely injured by the alienation of the rhetoric, expressing symptoms that “mimic that of posttraumatic stress disorder.”
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“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family.”
— Adriana Alejandre
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“Specifically within the Latinx community, purity culture comes from marianismo, a deep devotion toward the Virgin Mary and a set of beliefs that encourage women to be pure, wait until marriage, respect patriarchal values, and self-sacrifice for the sake of the family, ” Adriana Alejandre, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and founder of Latinx Therapy tells Refinery29 Somos. “Whereas, the opposite is allowed for men. There is more forgiveness when men do not respect purity culture than for girls or women. When individuals outgrow this controlling perspective, it often creates estrangement among family members.”
Alejandre further explains that the effects from childhood are lifelong and require that we “unlearn harmful messages around sexuality and gender, such as virginity being a woman’s only worth and gift to husband upon marriage, being ashamed of sexual desires, [dressing] modestly, among many others.”
It is in regaining self-trust that healing can begin. Alejandre advises her clients to pay attention to the feeling of control and imposition. When is the message not coming from within you? “We can reject purity culture by embracing liberation, having open and developmentally appropriate conversations about sex to children, refraining from making statements such as, ‘sex is for marriage,’ and teaching all generations about body autonomy and consent,” she explains. “Lastly, I would recommend journaling about messages you received around sex, sexual education, consent, and sexual expression. Some questions to ask can include: How do these topics make me feel when I talk about them out loud to someone else? What are messages I grew up with? What are some beliefs I still carry even though I may not want to? How has my sexual expression changed over time?”
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“It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright.”
— JESSICA HOPPE
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While I do not turn to scripture often in my recovery from religious and sexual trauma, I do take delight in knowing that the Bible muses erotically through the entire Book of Solomon: A sensual collection of poems depicting lustful, consensual encounters ripe with juicy metaphors for arousal, genitalia, oral sex, and a woman who is not cast to fall on her back and receive; she is the pursuant. It is the story of her sexual awakening, and she never suffers for her passion. The sex is triumphant.
In rereading these ancient texts, I am reminded that it is the church’s calculated interpretations that have perverted sex with shame, a toxic message perpetuated from pulpits all over the world and across generations. It is my choice now to rebuke it and reclaim my own: Pleasure is holy; it is freedom, and it is my birthright. Here, three Latinas from different religious backgrounds discuss how they liberated themselves from purity culture and what they found on the other side.
Joy Valerie Carrera
I grew up evangelical Christian. To me, purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven and could not afford to mess up because of one tiny thing. It fed into this anxiety. As a neurodivergent child, it made me feel like I was constantly messing up and not fitting this mold of “perfect.” It contributed to masking so much of who I truly was.
As a teenager, I remember signing a pact with God that I would remain pure until marriage. I was given a key to symbolize my virginity, the key to my heart that on my wedding night I would give to my husband. When I was 16, I thought I was in love with my high school boyfriend. I was waiting for marriage, and we had been dating for a year. My hormonal teenage brain figured a “loophole” would be that it was fine if we had sex because we would eventually get married. I ended up leaving religion at 18, but the conditioning was there and something I would keep learning to rewire. I had been raised to believe that once you had sex, you were tied and bonded to the person for a lifetime, so I ended up staying in this relationship longer than I should have, even though it was unhealthy. I had this guilt and shame that I could not break my pact with God.
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“Purity culture was something that was about remaining pure for God, and how it manifested in my life was through unrealistic standards of perfectionism in my relationships, in my behavior, and in my ways of being to ensure that I would one day enter heaven.”
— Joy Valerie Carrera
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I was assaulted at 21, and that was a huge turning point for me because I logically knew it was not my fault, but I had that deep ingrained belief that because I had betrayed God and left the church I was being punished. I transitioned into the complete opposite, exploring my sexuality fully and doing everything that I was told I was not supposed to, but still had this underlying guilt and shame.
It has taken me 10 years of therapy, coaching, deep reflection, so much exploration, and embracing self-love to unlearn the deep, old religious conditioning. I now feel more confident in who I am and realize when the shame pops up, those aren’t my beliefs. They are beliefs that are ready to be liberated. This next phase of my journey, I hope to keep letting go of those to enter into conscious, intimate, and healthy relationships free from the pressure that my religious upbringing put on me.
Margot Spindola
As a cis Latina woman who went to Catholic K-12 school in a small rural town, purity culture was communicated to me through a series of insidious signals and messages that brought about immense introspection, shame, and insecurity about my own body — something I still struggle with unlearning to this day.
I learned about purity in Catholic school. While in seventh grade, I took a sexual education course taught by one of the moms of the community who was also a registered nurse. Despite her background, I distinctly remember her standing at the front of the class, waving her hands in the air, and telling us, “Condoms are of the devil.”
When I was 14 or 15 years old, my immigrant mami slipped a “God’s Plan” brochure underneath my bedroom door.I was already on my way to having sex by then, so it’s maddening that other people felt like they had control over my body when I was barely even wrapping my head around my own relationship with it.
In my junior year of high school, I attended what they called a “Morality” class, where philosophical debate and scripture overlapped and we would spend hours listening to my teacher drone on about natural family planning and how having premarital sex would send me straight on the path to purgatory. Because I was already feeling the asphyxiating grasp of organized religion’s hands around my neck, I knew that this talk of being a virgin was likely to be a scam. I didn’t yet realize or understand the invisible script it had coded into my body as I grew older. For a short time, I wore a purity ring. At the time, I didn’t truly resonate with my body and felt numb. Following the scripts my community gave me felt like the only way forward
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The most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.”
— Margot Spindola
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Fast-forward to today, I’m 27 years old, and I embrace pleasure. But this didn’t happen overnight. It was a gradual process of self-reflection, critical thinking, and having conversations about sex. My body is no longer someone else’s to dictate. Instead, it is the “practice ground for transformation,” as adrianne maree brown so thoughtfully affirms in her book, Pleasure Activism. I’m thankful for the ways I was taught, regardless of the harm caused, because for better or for worse, it became a catalyst for my reckoning with my body. Instead of ignoring my body’s signals for pleasure (sexual or not), I embrace the ups and downs of where it takes me.
It has taken, and will take me, a long time to get to a place of crafting my own pleasure practice. It’s not to say that shame doesn’t sneak up on me, or that sometimes sex with a man can feel pressuring or the need to serve comes up. But the most radical act of rejecting purity culture is acknowledging the harms it has perpetuated.
Cindy Luquin
From my earliest memories, the concept of purity culture was ingrained in me through my family’s religious beliefs, particularly within the context of Pentecostalism. As the first child born in my family, I witnessed how religious congregations often served as a sanctuary for immigrant families from Latin America when they first arrived in the US, providing a sense of belonging and practical support.
The strong influence of Pentecostalism, combined with my Guatemalan heritage, created a subtle denial of our Maya Indigenous roots within our religious practice. I vividly recall an incident when I was just 4 years old, dressing up in traditional Indigenous clothing for a church event, which stirred conflicting emotions of pride and unease.
These early encounters with purity culture and the erasure of our Maya heritage left a lasting impression, highlighting the complex interplay between religious teachings, cultural identity, and the need for acceptance within the community. As I grew older, the effects of purity culture manifested in a profound internal struggle. I felt wrong for questioning the belief system and witnessed a disturbing double standard regarding gender roles and abusive behaviors.
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“Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment.”
— Cindy Luquin
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The impact of purity culture led me to suppress my true identity and creative expression as a queer bisexual person. It burdened me with shame and guilt, leading to physical manifestations and a strategy of “faking” illness to avoid attending church. Only later did I realize that these feelings were genuine, rooted in the anxiety I felt about the constraints imposed on me.
In my early 20s, the pivotal experience of moving away to college granted me the freedom to explore my true identity and embark on a journey of self-discovery. Today, I proudly identify as a spiritual queer person, reconnecting with my Maya heritage and embracing the wisdom of Maya cosmology, which values earth, medicine, and nature.
Although remnants of my religious upbringing occasionally resurface, I have done the necessary work in therapy and through personal healing to reclaim my bodily autonomy and liberate myself from judgment. This process has instilled in me a sense of responsibility to support and guide others as a queer elder and educator, free from judgment.
If you’ve ever considered exploring anal play, it’s natural to have concerns about the potential mess involved. While this mess is nothing to be ashamed of, many people seek a cleaner experience and turn to anal douching. Let’s explore precisely what anal douching is and how to do it safely so that you can focus on pleasure rather than the mess.
Anal douching involves flushing the rectum with a liquid solution using tools like shower enemas, bulb enemas, fleet enemas, or enema bags.
People douche to reduce fecal matter in the rectum for a cleaner experience during anal sex, regardless of sexual orientation.
Some research suggests that anal douching may damage the protective cells in the rectum, potentially increasing the risk of STI and HIV transmission.
Alternatives to douching include maintaining a high-fiber diet, using wipes for cleanup, using a sex blanket or dark-colored sheets for sheet protection, and prioritizing personal comfort and enjoyment during anal play.
Anal douching explained
Anal douching refers to the practice of cleaning or flushing out the rectum by introducing a liquid solution into the anus. It involves using a specialized device or tool, such as a shower enema, bulb enema, fleet enema, or enema bag, to flush water or a mild saline solution into the rectal area.
The process typically involves filling the device with the desired cleansing solution, gently inserting the nozzle into the anus, and releasing the liquid into the rectum. After a brief period, the expelled liquid and any residual waste are eliminated by emptying the bowels.
Why do people douche?
Many individuals choose to douche to minimize fecal matter in their rectum, providing a cleaner experience during receptive anal sex and reducing concerns about the potential mess. Although it is frequently practiced within the gay community, anal douching can be utilized by anyone interested in engaging in anal play.
Is it anal douching safe?
Some research has found that using anal douches can lead to damage to the outer layer of cells that line the inner surface of the rectum. These cells serve as a protective barrier and are crucial for the overall health and proper functioning of rectal tissues. When this protective barrier is compromised or damaged, it can potentially increase the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and HIV.
If you do want to use a douche, it is crucial to prioritize safety by using the appropriate equipment. It is recommended to purchase douches from reliable sources like a pharmacy or a sex store and carefully follow the instructions on the packaging.
Making your own douche at home is not advisable, as it could cause injury. Furthermore, always ensure that your hands or gloves are freshly cleaned before using a douche, and allow sufficient time between douches. It is important to note that if you have anal fissures or hemorrhoids, douches are not recommended. It is always best to consult a medical professional if you have doubts or concerns about using a douche.
Products needed to douche
To anal douche yourself at home, you will need to select a type of douche, as well as either water or a saline solution, to enter into the rectum. Both saline solution and water can be used for anal douching, and the choice between the two ultimately depends on personal preference and individual needs. However, there are a few different types of douches available.
Shower enema. A shower enema is a douching method that utilizes a special attachment that can be connected to a shower head. This attachment allows the water to flow directly into the rectum. It typically provides a continuous and controlled stream of water, making it convenient for those who prefer a thorough cleaning. Shower enemas are often adjustable, allowing the user to regulate the water pressure and temperature.
Bulb enema. A bulb enema, also known as a bulb syringe or anal bulb, consists of a rubber or silicone bulb attached to a nozzle. This type of douche is manually operated by squeezing the bulb to expel the liquid into the rectum. Bulb enemas are generally small and compact, making them easy to use and convenient for travel.
Fleet enema. Fleet enema is a commercially available pre-packaged douche product that comes in a disposable bottle. It contains a saline solution or a combination of water and laxative agents. Fleet enemas are commonly used for bowel cleansing and constipation relief but can also be used for anal douching. They typically feature a lubricated nozzle attached to the bottle, allowing easy insertion and controlled liquid delivery.
Enema bag. An enema bag is a larger-capacity douching device that consists of a bag or reservoir made of rubber or silicone and long tubing with a nozzle. The bag is filled with the desired cleansing solution, and a clamp on the tubing controls the flow of liquid. Enema bags provide the flexibility to adjust the flow rate and volume of the liquid according to personal preference.
How to douche
If you’re looking to safely douche, follow the steps outlined below.
Prepare yourself
Firstly make sure that your hands are clean and that you have read the instructions of your douche kit. Fill the reservoir with lukewarm water or a saline solution. Don’t use harsh chemicals or soaps in the solution, as they irritate the rectal lining. It’s best to use a solution specifically formulated for anal douching, which can be purchased from a pharmacy or sex store. Next, apply a water-based lubricant to the tip of the nozzle to make insertion more comfortable.
Position yourself
Find a comfortable position that allows easy access to the rectal area. Many people find it helpful to douche in the shower to help with the mess, using a squatting motion to help with insertion.
Insert the nozzle and squeeze in the solution
Gently and slowly insert the nozzle into the rectum. Take your time and listen to your body’s signals to avoid any discomfort. Depending on the type of douche kit you’re using, squeeze the bulb or follow the specific instructions provided with the kit to release the cleansing solution into the rectum. Avoid using excessive pressure to prevent any potential damage to the rectal lining.
Remove the nozzle and the solution
Once the solution is inside, remove the nozzle and allow yourself some time to hold the liquid inside. Then, gently evacuate the contents into the toilet or shower. You may need to repeat this process several times until the expelled fluid is clear.
Clean and store the equipment
After you’re done, if your douche isn’t disposable, thoroughly clean the nozzle and reservoir with warm water and mild soap. Ensure the douche is completely dry before storing it in a clean and hygienic place.
How often can you douche?
While there is no specific scientific consensus on how frequently you should douche, it is generally recommended by healthcare professionals to limit douching to 2–3 times per week.
Is douching different for women and men?
Since men and women have the same rectal anatomy, anal douching is generally the same for all individuals with functioning rectums. However, the methods and tools used for anal douching can vary depending on personal preference and individual needs.
It’s worth mentioning that when people commonly refer to “douching” in the context of people with vaginas, they usually refer to vaginal douching, which is a different practice altogether unrelated to anal douching.
Do I need to douche?
The decision to douche is a personal decision. While anal douching is one way to reduce the presence of fecal matter in the rectum, alternative methods are available. These include maintaining a high-fiber diet, which can involve incorporating sources of fiber such as psyllium husk and avoiding foods that may cause stomach discomfort.
If you aren’t into douching, there are other ways that you can help to manage the mess so that you can focus on pleasure instead.
Have wipes on hand. Having wipes readily available during anal play can assist with cleanup.
Use a sex blanket. Using a sex blanket can provide added protection and convenience. Placing a blanket beneath you or in the immediate vicinity can help catch any fluids or messes during anal play. This can help minimize the impact on your bedding and make cleanup more manageable.
Use dark sheets. Some individuals find it helpful to use dark-colored sheets and a sex towel during anal play. By using dark-colored sheets, any potential stains or marks from lubricants or other fluids are less likely to be noticeable or cause concern.
Ultimately, whether or not to douche is a personal preference based on your comfort level and preferences. The main idea is to create an environment where you can fully enjoy the experience without unnecessary concerns about cleanliness.
Purity culture messaging is everywhere. Even if you didn’t grow up particularly religious or even if you had fully atheist caregivers, it’s likely you’ve been exposed to messages from purity culture in some form.
Just look at the sex ed we have in the western world: It’s often focused on abstinence and the dangers of sex. This is rooted in purity culture. Look at sexual spirituality (a movement that masquerades as enlightenment and spiritual awakening all over social media) claiming that you need to sage your genitals in order to “cleanse” yourself of past lovers. Purity. Culture.
Purity culture has seen a massive uptick on social media, especially on TikTok with the emergence of “puriteen” views, finding a niche where it can spread the messages of needing to stay “virginal” and “pure” in order to be considered a good or worthy person in the pretty dressing of fun little videos. It’s sinister, really.
While I myself did not grow up in the church, as a sexuality professional — a sex-positive certified sex educator who specializes, amongst other things, in undoing the damaging messages of purity culture, while advocating for sexual freedom and autonomy – I have worked with countless folx who have. Much of the work my colleagues and I do is around detangling sexuality from the messages of purity culture. It can feel like walking backwards on a treadmill sometimes. This messaging is incredibly harmful and impacts people in myriad ways.
Purity culture messaging is insidious from every angle – but one of the most salient is the impact on sexuality. This “type of subculture isolates us into a box (or perhaps a cage) to the point where it is difficult to express ourselves sexually and it prevents us from having autonomy in seeking sexual relationships,” says Dr. Lee Phillips, Ed.D, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist.
Basically, it messes with our understanding and connection to our sexuality. And it’s dangerous and damaging.
Whether you’ve freshly thrown off the shackles of purity culture, are attempting to do so presently – or escaped a long time ago, let’s break down how purity culture impacts sexuality – and how you can start to unlearn these messages in order to embrace pleasure and sexual freedom to the fullest extent.
Purity culture is centered on sexuality. While it targets everyone, it specifically centers around female sexuality – and female chastity, Philips says. It emphasizes staying “pure,” which means not having sex (usually intercourse) before marriage.
While this is sort of the cut-and-dry definition, Laurie Mintz, Ph.D. a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate, points out that modern Evangelical views of “purity” go far beyond this simplest framework. Within contemporary, fundamental Christianity, not only are women and girls responsible for not engaging in sex of any kind (or even having sexual thoughts), they become the gatekeepers for male sexuality. “Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.” Women and girls are seen as the “moral foundation” of society and are pressured to behave modestly so they don’t make the men around them horny. Awesome.
“Young women and girls in this culture are instructed to be submissive to men, and to be careful how they dress and interact with others to avoid ‘tempting’ men.”
It is a culture of sexual suppression. It means “suppressing or trying to pray away any sexual thoughts and fantasies, desires, not masturbating, not looking at certain media, and generally demonizing all forms of sexual expression outside of traditional heterosexual marriage,” explains Lucy Rowett, a certified sex coach and clinical sexologist, who specializes in purity culture and sexuality.
What purity culture messages look like
Now, what do these messages look like, really? Here are a few deeply disturbing examples.
Mintz points to likening women to a chewed-up piece of gum than no one would want if they have sexual experiences before marriage.
Telling women and girls they are responsible for the behavior of men and boys – that they must have tempted them if they are sexually assaulted or harassed. “Men must be both leaders and ultra masculine, but also cannot control their sexual desires,” Rowett says.
Being a good woman means always being submissive to men.
Your spiritual value, your “purity”, and your whole value as a person “comes from not just not having sex before marriage, but suppressing your entire sexuality,” Rowett says.
Your ability to truly love a partner will be damaged if you have sex – and no one will want you anyway because you’re “damaged goods.
If you watch porn, you are addicted to porn. And porn will 100 percent ruin your life. AND you’re going to hell.
These messages are baseless, incorrect, damaging – and downright dangerous. They are anti-science – entirely socially constructed by a puritanical society that wants to demonize sexuality in any form that doesn’t fall within heterosexual marriage.
How the messages of purity culture can filter into our sexuality
Even if we choose to reject the messages of purity culture later in life, they can still negatively impact us without even being aware of it. Shame-based messages are sticky little fuckers. They get their claws into our psyche and refuse to let go. They’re like emotional bedbugs: They burrow in and end up disrupting your peace. Philips points out that these early messages of shame can be quite traumatic – and this trauma impacts the mind-body messaging system.
Central to our ability to experience pleasure during sex is the connection between our brains and bodies. In order to experience pleasure and orgasm to the fullest extent, we need to feel calm and safe. This relaxed state facilitates the messages between the brain and body which, in turn, allows us to experience desire and physical arousal.
Because of the negative messages of purity culture and sexual shame, we can go into a state of Fight, Flight, or Freeze during sexual activity. This breaks the mind-body messaging system. This is a trauma response. As Mintz explains, “If one has been indoctrinated with the message that sex is sinful, that they are sinful, and the like, it is going to result in being immersed in shameful, negative self-talk during sex, rather than experiencing and immersing in one’s body sensations.”
Philips points to the following examples of how the trauma of purity culture messaging can lead to sexual difficulties:
Experiencing a sexual problem and believing it is your fault.
Feeling very little or nothing during sex.
Not speaking up or avoiding discussing sex at all.
Unexplained pain, tension, softness, or ejaculation problems for AMAB (assigned male at birth) people.
Wanting to rush through sexual experiences.
Finding it difficult to engage in sex without relying on substances.
Feeling like you are too much or not enough.
Feeling afraid to take risks.
Losing connection to playfulness.
Difficulties with orgasm.
Feeling unworthy of pleasure.
Being stuck in a cycle of unfulfilling sexual behavior and/or experiences.
5 tips for purity culture dropouts to increase their sexual pleasure
Give yourself the time you need to really heal
Congratulations! You’ve escaped from purity culture and you should be proud. With that being said, the healing process will likely take a long time. “Remember to give yourself a lot of time and space to heal, and know that you don’t need to figure it all out now,” Rowett says. You’ve been inundated with these sex-shaming messages for your whole upbringing. It is going to take time to untangle them and move forward. You’re brave and you’ve got this.
Feel your damn feelings
When it comes to unlearning harmful messaging, emotions can bubble up and spill out. As tempting as it may be to tamp these down, try to sit with them. Revel in the discomfort of it. “You might feel sad and want to mourn the lost years of your sex life,” Philips explains. “You might feel angry, or personally victimized. You may feel hurt. Whatever is there to feel, feel it fully.”
Resource yourself and find community
Start reading books and digesting media from people who have been on this same journey. Mintz suggests reading the book Pure and watching the documentary Deconstructing My Religion to start. Media can help you feel less alone. Next, find your people. There are so many purity culture dropout forums online where you can find people who have the same lived experience that you do.
“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible.”
Seek professional help
“Unlearning such toxic, harmful messages is difficult — but with education and support, it is possible,” Mitz says. Hire a professional sex therapist or coach who specifically works with folx who come from purity culture. Rowett even has amazing classes that are centered on embracing your pleasure and leaving shame in the past. Learn more here.
Practice conscious masturbation
Conscious masturbation is when you go really slowly with self-touch, breathing deeply and connecting with the sensations in your body. “As you practice conscious masturbation, you will progressively begin to feel safer in your body. This might not happen overnight (especially if the roots of trauma or sexual shame run deep), but it will happen with patience, love, and persistence,” Philips says. It’s simply about being with your body and allowing it to experience pleasure. It is a brilliant way to come into yourself and embrace that your body’s a vessel for pleasure. And that you deserve pleasure!
It might feel like a long road ahead of you, but you can and WILL recover from the trauma of growing up in purity culture. You’re already on your way. And you’re going to crush it.
Vivian Rhodes figured she would eventually have sex.
She was raised in a Christian household in Washington state and thought sex before marriage would be the ultimate rebellion. But then college came and went — and no sex. Even flirting “felt unnatural,” she said.
In her early 20s, she watched someone she followed on Tumblr come out as asexual and realized that’s how she felt: She had yet to develop romantic feelings for anyone, and the physical act of sex just didn’t sound appealing.
“Some people assume this is about shaming other people, and it’s not,” said Rhodes, 28, who works as a certified nursing assistant in Los Angeles. “I’m glad people have fun with it and it works for them. But I think sex is kind of gross. It seems very messy, and it’s vulnerable in a way that I think would be very uncomfortable.”
For what researchers say is an array of reasons — including technology, heavy academic schedules and an overall slower-motion process of growing up — millennials and now Gen Zers are having less sex, with fewer partners, than their parents’ and grandparents’ generations did. The social isolation and transmission scares of the COVID-19 pandemic have no doubt played a role in the shift. But researchers say that’s not the whole story: The “no rush for sex” trend predates the pandemic, according to a solid body of research.
UCLA has been tracking behavioral trends for years through its annual California Health Interview Survey, the largest state health survey in the nation. It includes questions about sexual activity. In 2021, the survey found, the number of young Californians ages 18 to 30 who reported having no sexual partners in the prior year reached a decade high of 38%. In 2011, 22% of young people reported having no sexual partners during the prior year, and the percentage climbed fairly steadily as the decade progressed.
California adults ages 35 to 50 who participated in UCLA’s 2021 survey also registered an increase in abstinence from 2011 to 2021. But with the percentage of “no sex” respondents rising from 9% to 14% during that time frame, the increase was not as pronounced.
The broader trend of young adults forgoing sex holds true nationally.
The University of Chicago’s General Social Survey — which has been following shifts in Americans’ behavioral trends for decades — found that 3 in 10 Generation Z males, ages 18 to 25, surveyed in 2021 reported having gone without sex the prior year. One in four Gen Z women also reported having had no sex the prior year, according to Jean Twenge, a San Diego State University psychology professor who reviewed the data for her book “Generations.”
In an age where hook-ups might seem as unlimited as a right swipe on a dating app, it’s easy to assume that Gen Z “should be having the time of their lives sexually,” Twenge said.
But that’s not how it’s playing out. Twenge said the decline has been underway for roughly two decades.
She attributed the slowdown in sexual relations most significantly to what she calls the “slow-life factor.” Young people just aren’t growing up as fast as they once did. They’re delaying big milestones such as getting their driver’s licenses and going to college. And they’re living at home with their parents a lot longer.
“In times and places where people live longer and education takes longer, the whole developmental trajectory slows down,” she said. “And so for teens and young adults, one place that you’re going to notice that is in terms of dating and romantic relationships and sexuality.”
A slight majority of 18- to 30-year-olds — about 52% — reported having one sexual partner in 2021, a decrease from 2020, according to the UCLA survey. The proportion of young adults who reported having two or more sexual partners also declined, from 23% in 2011 to 10% in 2021.
Though sex was on the decline in the years leading into the pandemic, COVID-19 made dating trickier.
Many people tightened their social circles when the pandemic surged in 2020 and 2021. And young people’s reliance on cellphones and apps for their social interactions only intensified when in-person meet-ups posed a risk of serious illness.
In general, people coming of age in an era of dating apps say the notion of starting a relationship with someone they meet in person — say a chance encounter at a bar or dance club — seems like a piece of nostalgia. Even friendships are increasingly forged over texting and video chats.
“A lot of young people when you talk to them will say their best friends are people they’ve never met,” said Jessica Borelli, a professor of psychological science at UC Irvine. “Sometimes they live across the country or in other countries, and yet they have these very intimate relationships with them. … The in-person interface is not nearly as essential for the development of intimacy as it might be for older people.”
Ivanna Zuniga, 22, who recently graduated from UC Irvine with a degree in psychological sciences, said her peers have largely delayed sex and romance to focus on education and career. Zuniga, who is bisexual, has been with her partner for about four years. But their sex life is sporadic, she said, adding that they hadn’t been intimate in the month leading up to her graduation.
“I’ve been really preoccupied with my studies, and I’m always stressed because of all the things I have going on,” she said. “My libido is always shot, and I don’t really ever think about sex.”
The sexless phenomenon has made its way into pop culture. Gone are the days when meet-cutes in bars leading to one-night stands and sex at college parties were the cornerstone of coupling in films.
In “No Hard Feelings,” released this year, a 32-year-old woman is hired by “helicopter parents” to deflower their shy 19-year-old son. At a party, the woman frantically searching for her date busts open bedroom doors where she expects to find people feverishly tangled in sheets. Instead, she finds teens sitting side by side on a bed, fully clothed, scrolling their phones or playing virtual reality games. Bemused, she yells, “Doesn’t anyone f— anymore?”
While there are practical benefits to waiting to be in a physical relationship, including less risk of sexually transmitted diseases and unplanned pregnancy, Twenge argued that there are also downsides to young people eschewing sex and, more broadly, intimacy. Unhappiness and depression are at all-time highs among young adults, trend lines Twenge ties to the rise of smartphones and social media. And she noted with concern the steady decline in the birth rate.
“It creates the question of whether Social Security can survive,” Twenge said. “Will there be enough young workers to support older people in the system? Will there be enough young workers to take care of older people in nursing homes and in assisted-care facilities?”
Zuniga, who plans to pursue a doctorate in clinical psychology, can’t imagine pausing her education or career to have children, so safe sex is particularly important, she said. Others interviewed said “horror stories” involving friends who contracted herpes or other sexually transmitted infections had turned them off from casual sex.
“I prioritize my studies too much, and I can’t fathom the thought of having my identity as an academic fall secondary to being a mother,” Zuniga said. “Moving out of the income bracket that you’re born into is so hard to do, and a very secure way to do it is through education.”
For Rhodes, not having sex has taken a lot of the pressure off social interactions.
“It lets me relax,” she said. “It’s not that I don’t care about how I look or how I come off to other people. But I have a little extra help caring less about it, because I don’t have to worry about attracting specific kinds of people for specific things.”
And she pushes back against the notion that shying away from sex is some sort of societal problem that needs to be “fixed.” It might even be a sign that young people have more control of their bodies and desires, she said.
“Maybe you don’t have to have sex all the time,” Rhodes said. “Maybe if you’re doing other things in your life, and you’ve got other priorities, or you just don’t feel like it, that can be a good enough answer.”
Are you ready to kick things up a notch in the bedroom? Then you might consider experimenting with temperature play. Think of how an ice cube offers an instant visceral feeling to your skin or the touch of a warm cup of tea. Now imagine that type of sensation being used to arouse your entire body. That’s pretty much the essence of temperature play.
“Temperature play can add another sensory dimension to a sexual experience,” Avril Louise Clarke, in-house sexologist and intimacy coordinator at Erika Lust, tells SheKnows. “Sensory deprivation could be putting on a blindfold allowing you to delve deeper into the senses of touch, taste or smell. Temperature play is a similar experience, but instead, it heightens arousal, creating unique sensations of hot or cold.”
According to Clarke, temperature play works by intensifying the nerve endings to increase blood flow, which can increase an already pleasurable experience. “So if you put something warm or cold on your body the blood flow will react differently,” she explains. “A good practice, and basic approach when introducing any sexual activity or new play to the bedroom, is to start slowly and always communicate with partners to ensure they are comfortable and enjoying the experience.”
As always when it comes to sexual activity, remember safety is always the best policy. “And of course, always communicate and practice consent,” Clarke says. “Prioritize the comfort of everyone’s experience. Temperature play is great, and an important part of the BDSM umbrella, since it’s accessible to most, with minimal cost and preparation, and can be done solo or with multiple partners.”
Temperature play can be done with household items such as ice cubes and wax, to freezer-friendly sex toys like vibrators and dildos. Does temperature play sound intriguing to you and your partner(s)? Then read on below to learn about sexpert-approved creative ways to experiment with temperature play in your sex life.
Experiment with different textures and sensations.
According to Rebecca Alvarez Story, sexologist and Bloomi CEO and Co-Founder, different people may enjoy different temperatures, textures, and sensations on their skin. Trying different things with temperature play is a good way to experiment with what’s right for you until you know what turns you (and your partner) on.
“You can adapt temperature play to your needs and preferences and you can do it solo, partnered, with a toy, or without – it’s totally up to you,” Alvarez Story says. “Some suggestions are: licking ice cream off your partner’s skin, letting an ice cube melt on your or your partner’s nipples, or warming/freezing a towel, and putting on your partner.”
Alvarez Story also adds that it’s important to talk about desires, expectations, and limitations as well as come up with a safe word “so you or your partner can revoke your consent at any given time before getting into temperature play.”
Start slowly and explore the entire body.
Whenever you’re playing with hot or cold items, Dr. Jess O’Reilly, Lovehoney sex and relationship expert, recommends to start slowly – not only to enjoy and enhance the experience but to test out the thresholds for heat and cold on your and your partner’s body. “In the beginning, run your toy under hot or cold water for 10 to 15 seconds and test it out for a moment. If you want to increase or decrease the temperature, you can always extend the time underwater.”
And remember that different parts of your body will respond differently to temperature variations. “For example, your mouth can handle hotter temperatures than much of your exposed skin (think about drinking hot tea versus spilling hot tea on your thighs), so take care to test the temperature a little at a time across the body,” she says.
O’Reilly suggests exploring your entire body with your hot or cold toys — and not heading straight to your genitals. “You can play with temperature from head to toe — alternating between the nipples, along the collarbone, down the sides of your chest and between your thighs.”
Go the sensual route.
If you’re looking for something more sensual to kick off your temperature play, Alvarez Story recommends giving a sensual massage with hot oil or wax from a body-safe candle.
Not that you need much of a reason to give or receive a massage from your lover, but Alvarez Story points out that “relaxing and having an intimate massage can help to reduce muscle tension and stress, improve circulation, and has even been reported to reduce stress, anxiety, and depression.” Choose a massage oil or candle that is suitable for use on intimate skin. She suggests Bloomi’s Relax, which is a clean massage oil that doubles as an everyday body oil with lavender aromatherapy and is safe to be cooled down or warmed up. Set the space with some soft pillows and blankets and enjoy.
Work with contrast.
Nora Langknecht, marketing manager and certified sex educator at FUN FACTORY, recommends switching between hot and cold sensations to keep your partner in pleasurable suspense. “Use ice to cool someone’s skin (or nipple, or whatever else), and you’ll create contrast with the natural heat of your mouth or tongue,” she says. “So, follow the cool touch of an ice cube with the warmth of your tongue or kisses.”
She also suggests gently heating or cooling your toys to experiment with temperature in a safe way. “Try sticking VOLTA, our external vibrator, or MANTA, our vibrating penis stroker, in hot (not boiling) or cold water. Your partner will get all the stimulation of the toy, plus the added benefit of an unexpected temperature.”
And as always, since temperatures that are too hot or cold may be unpleasant or even painful, she warns to “test the toys against the inside of your wrist before using them on your partner!”
Chill a dildo (or vibrator) in the fridge.
To add a different sensation, Alvarez Story suggests cooling down a dildo in the fridge before playing with it. “Make sure that the dildo is composed of a material that can be frozen and is still body-safe when frozen,” she says. “Our recommendation is Indulge Double-sided Vibrator, a powerful, versatile, and body-safe vibrator with double sides: enjoy one non-vibrating and one vibrating side, both great for vaginal and anal use.”
In fact, according to Clarke, many silicone toys can be popped in the freezer, or in a bowl of ice and teased across the body during intercorse or foreplay. “A toy that comes to mind is Maya by Love Not War,” she says. “It is a great toy for temperature play since it is responsive to temperatures, meaning the head can be unscrewed and heated before use or put into the refrigerator to cool down. Since it is made out of 99 percent recycled aluminum, it will conduct the temperature really quickly.
Ready to get started with some temperature play? Things are about to get hot (or really cold).
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