— Why Do You Assume That Means I Don’t Have A Sex Life?
As a woman with mild Cerebral Palsy, writer Jennifer McShane has to think outside the box when it comes to navigating sex and dating. In an essay for Vogue, she reflects on misconceptions, the highs and lows of disabled sex, and why a safe space for conversation is essential.
Desire is a complex thing. It’s a potent, almost indescribable force that propels us forward; that aching yearn to be wanted and loved. Almost every great piece of work ever written, not to mention every Adele song, centres on this. Which is why it remains baffling to me how so many think that, because I am a disabled woman, I don’t have any.
I thought endlessly about this aspect of my life recently, when Billie Eilish told an interviewer, “I have never felt desired… And it’s a big thing in my life that I feel I have never been physically desired by somebody.” My throat constricted as I realised her words encapsulated how I’ve felt almost my entire adult life. As a woman with mild Cerebral Palsy (CP), living in a society rooted in ableism, it’s impossible not to notice how the words “sex and disability” are rarely used in the same sentence. It’s assumed I don’t have a sex life, that I don’t want one, that I surely don’t consider myself a sexual being.
Take the nurse who once scoffed away my mention of a cervical smear. “What would you need one for?” she asked, genuinely mystified. Even well-meaning friends’ responses to my raising the topic have hurt. “I didn’t think you were like that, Jen!” they said, wide-eyed and excited, almost gleeful. It was meant kindly and in fun, but afterwards, part of me was angry. Do I not have the right to the same desires as everyone else? Is it too much to ask to be so fiercely wanted by someone there’s room for nothing else in their brain? To want them back so fiercely it might ruin my life (as I’ve heard it can)?
It’s this base assumption from the majority that I do not – could not – need this that makes it hard for me to express something so important, so vital, so natural, to others. Talking about it doesn’t feel natural to me and so, nothing about my pursuit of desire feels natural either. It always feels slightly forced, timid, like I shouldn’t really be doing it (pun intended). Crucially, I can’t remember anyone telling me, ever, as a disabled woman, that I should make my sexual wellbeing a priority.
In my formative years, there was plenty of love but no safe space for that part. No accessible health setting I felt comfortable in, no articles in teen magazines on sex and disability to offer shaky words of wisdom (Dear Sugar would come along too late), nothing on film or TV I could identify with, no guide that wasn’t cold and only vaguely factual in its attempt to address how I should navigate this already complicated terrain. And in our Irish household, you simply didn’t discuss anything like this. So I shut that part of myself away for a long time.
I never felt I could talk about the awkwardness, the feelings of isolation and loneliness. I felt I was infantilised very early; a woman who couldn’t truly grow up, always on the outside of everyone else’s “normal”. It wasn’t until later that I took my body seriously, determined to at least try to find out what might work and what wouldn’t. Because way back when, my biggest fear was, rather dramatically, in the vein of Monica Geller, that I would die a virgin.
Happily that’s no longer a risk, and there have been good moments. Like when an older man I was casually seeing told me I didn’t have to worry about (in what can be exhausting emotional labour and no one’s idea of fun foreplay) my splints, or the fact it might take me so long to get undressed it’d surely be a mood killer, or to try this way or that, because: “I know what you need.” To my surprise, he was one of the few who really did, and I happily lay there. (Albeit lamenting the fact that – to paraphrase Vogue’s dating columnist Annie Lord – he still wouldn’t see fancy mesh underwear after all his efforts, because I regretfully hadn’t bothered to buy any.)
But those moments are, sadly, not all that frequent. Because mostly, it’s hard, and rather soul destroying when they say they can’t do this, that it’s too weird, that they don’t see a future with a disabled woman because they can’t cope with not having a sex life (an early misconception from more than one).
I’m what’s known as a maladaptive daydreamer. My vivid and near constant daydreams are my coping mechanism, a way to check out of reality when it gets tough. In these daydreams, there’s little rejection and lots of the good stuff, but lately I’ve begun to wonder if this is a subconscious crutch I’m using, one that stops me from really living, from putting myself out there. That it will stop anyone else getting near me. It would help if there truly was a safe space for disabled people to have these conversations. I want podcasts, books, films, disabled sex columns – everything we don’t have now. Because if we don’t see ourselves, how are we to break barriers? It’s 2023. We all deserve love, healthy sex lives, and the chance to have our lives ruined, should we desire it.
But while threesomes may be close to top of mind worldwide for a little adult content watching, the logistics of threesomes in real life are far more complex. From concerns about safe sex to different partner configurations, there’s a lot that goes into a great three-way sexual encounter.
Business Insider spoke to sexologists and AASECT-certified sex educators and therapists to find out how to have a safe and pleasurable threesome.
What makes for a great threesome
Carol Queen, a sexologist at Good Vibes and curator of the Antique Vibrator Museum, said “three people who are comfortable with sexuality, can communicate well, are attracted enough to each other to be sexual together” are the best group for a threesome. All partners should “have compatible interests and boundaries to have a good time.”
How to find a third
If you’re in a monogamous relationship, finding who to add as a third party can be a big decision. Queen advises to “skip the friend option unless you have a friend who is an open and openhearted sex explorer — a friend like that might actually love to take you under their wing.” Queen added that inviting a friend over and propositioning them is a big no-no. Open and honest communication will be critical to ensure the health of the friendship long-term.
If you’re not sure where to find a third, Suzannah Weiss, resident sexologist for Fleshy, suggested joining apps like Feeld or Bloom, which are “geared toward the non-monogamous community, and you can mention that you are new to this and need some time to get to know people before jumping into bed.”
The right position will vary with each threesome
Although some positions may be more conducive to a threesome than others, not every position will work in every configuration, and it’s important to communicate with partners about what will work for you, according to sexologist Lisa Lawless.
“Some sex positions are more accessible if you’re a certain height or weight or are particularly strong or flexible,” Lawless said. The best position will depend on the type of sexual stimulation one wishes to receive or provide.
Lawless suggested the following positions:
Double cowgirl
In double cowgirl, one partner rides on the partner’s genitals while the other rides that person’s face. In this position, Lawless said, “The person on the bottom gets stimulation from both partners simultaneously. For many, watching their partners in this position can be visually arousing.”
However, for the person on the bottom, supporting both partners can get tiring, and it may make communication between partners difficult. Be sure to check in regularly.
69 plus 1
Friendly for configurations with two vaginas or two penises, in this position, two partners get into a 69 position. The third partner stands at the edge of the bed to penetrate one of the partners. Lawless said that the side-to-side configuration “can increase intimacy between the two partners on the bed,” but be mindful of neck strain.
Virtual threesome
Some partners may not be comfortable inviting a third person into the bedroom, so a virtual threesome allows a couple to have sex while a third person interacts through a screen in a different location. Lawless said that “app-controlled toys can enhance pleasure and interactivity among partners despite the distance.”
Safe sex and proper planning are critical
Michele M. March, a sex therapist at the Council for Relationships, emphasized the importance of safe sex to a successful threesome. “Some discussion of partners’ current sexual health status is important.” Winging it is ill-advised. “Who will bring the condoms? Will everyone agree to a pause for hygiene needs or for time to use effective protection? Some consideration of who uses what protection — against STI’s and pregnancy,” March said will help make everyone feel comfortable.
Weiss stressed the importance of swapping condoms frequently. “It’s safest to use a new condom each time you go from penetrating one partner to the other or from one orifice to another – and definitely if you are switching from anal to vaginal or oral,”
If you’re using lubricant, which every sexpert recommended, consider your options carefully. “Silicone lube is helpful because it lasts the longest, though you don’t want to use it with silicone toys,” Weiss said. Water-based lubricants work well with both toys and condoms, and oil-based lube should be avoided with condoms.
When most people think of self-pleasure, they often associate it with single people. However, self-pleasure or masturbation can actually be incredibly helpful in maintaining a healthy and satisfying sex, whether single or coupled. Quiet as it’s kept, self-pleasure is an activity that many people engage in but rarely discuss openly. Masturbation is not only natural but is actually healthy and beneficial for individuals and their relationships. Many couples may feel hesitant or even guilty about the idea of masturbating while in a committed relationship, but the truth is, couples can benefit greatly from self-pleasure. According to a study published in 2007, masturbation not only encourages sexual satisfaction but is also a healthy practice. A smaller study from 2015 found that married women who masturbated enjoyed greater orgasms and sexual desire, high self-esteem, and greater marriage and sexual satisfaction. If that’s not proof enough that self-pleasure can benefit your relationship, here are eight more reasons why married couples should enjoy self-pleasure and how it can strengthen their relationship.
It can increase intimacy
Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can allow couples to explore and understand their own bodies better. By doing this, they can learn what they like and don’t like, which can be communicated to their partner. Knowing what pleases oneself can help bring about better communication with their partner about what they want and need during sex. Not to mention, watching each other engage in self-pleasure can be incredibly arousing and bring couples closer together.
It relieves stress
Life can be stressful, and when it feels like you’re juggling a million things at once, it can be difficult to find time for intimacy with your partner. Engaging in self-pleasure can be a way to relieve some of that stress and tension, which can make you more relaxed and present during sexual activity with your partner.
It can improve sexual function
It’s no secret that as we age, sexual function can be impacted. Engaging in self-pleasure can help combat this by encouraging blood flow to the genital region, promoting vaginal lubrication, and potentially improving sexual function overall. Plus, practicing solo can help with premature ejaculation and even some erectile dysfunction issues.
It can be fun
Sex is meant to be enjoyable, and while it’s important to prioritize intimacy with your partner, it’s also okay to indulge in self-pleasure just for the sake of having fun. Without the pressure of a partner, individuals can let go and explore their bodies in ways they might not feel comfortable doing during partnered sex.
It can increase desire
Engaging in sexual self-pleasure can actually lead to a higher desire for sexual activity with one’s partner. It relieves sexual tension and can increase sexual attraction to a partner.
It opens up communication channels
Many couples find it difficult to communicate their desires, needs and wants when it comes to sex. By introducing self-pleasure into the mix, you are opening a channel for communication, making it easier for both partners to discuss their fantasies and desires.
It can be empowering
Many people, particularly women, are taught that self-pleasure is taboo or even shameful. However, embracing your own sexuality and engaging in self-pleasure can be incredibly empowering. It can help you feel more confident and comfortable in your own skin, which can ultimately lead to a more fulfilling sex life with your partner.
It can help you avoid pressure on your partner
In some relationships, there may be a pressure or expectation on one partner to be solely responsible for the other’s pleasure. This can be incredibly stressful and put unnecessary pressure on the partner in question. By engaging in self-pleasure, you’re able to take some of the pressure off of your partner and ensure that you’re both able to focus on enjoying each other without worrying about fulfilling specific expectations.
Self-pleasure is nothing to feel guilty about in a committed relationship. Overall, self-pleasure can be incredibly beneficial for married couples. By helping you better understand your body, relieve stress, spice things up in the bedroom, feel empowered, and avoid pressure on your partner, self-pleasure can ultimately strengthen your bond. Individuals should be encouraged to explore their bodies and find what they enjoy. So, if you’re in a committed relationship, don’t be afraid to explore your own sexuality and engage in a little self-pleasure from time to time. Your sex life (and your relationship as a whole) will thank you for it.
Sexual dysfunction, a concern affecting millions worldwide, has long been shrouded in silence and stigma. However, new developments in 2024 are transforming how we approach and treat this sensitive issue. This change isn’t just about enhancing sexual pleasure; it’s deeply tied to self-esteem, mental health, and the quality of relationships.
Open Communication: The first significant trend is the shift towards open communication about sexual dysfunction. This growing openness is largely fueled by mainstream acceptance and the increasing awareness among healthcare providers of the interconnection between sexual and overall health. Online counseling and specialized sexual wellness apps are playing a crucial role in this transformation, offering accessible resources for those hesitant to discuss these issues in person.
Advancements in Technology: Sound wave technology, particularly the development of Cliovana, is a breakthrough in treating sexual dysfunction, especially in women experiencing menopause-related symptoms. This pain-free, non-invasive technology stimulates natural healing processes, leading to enhanced blood flow, sensitivity, and sexual responsiveness. The simplicity and effectiveness of treatments like Cliovana’s soundwave therapy are key drivers in changing the landscape of sexual health solutions.
Menopause Education: The destigmatization of menopause and its associated sexual dysfunctions is gaining momentum. With the global menopause market projected to reach $22.7 billion by 2028, there’s an increasing focus on educating and providing solutions for women. This includes hormone and testosterone replacement therapies, which are tailored to individual symptoms, offering rejuvenation and improved sexual experiences.
Normalization of Sex Toys and Lubricants: Once considered taboo, sex toys and lubricants are now recognized as essential elements of sexual wellness. The market for these products is expanding rapidly, reflecting a societal shift towards accepting these products as tools for enhancing sexual experiences. Retail accessibility, both online and in physical stores, underscores this trend.
Lifestyle Choices and Sexual Health: Finally, there’s a growing understanding of how lifestyle choices impact sexual health. Research linking low-grade inflammation to erectile dysfunction (ED) has encouraged a broader distribution of information from doctors and researchers. Lifestyle modifications like reducing smoking, increasing physical activity, maintaining a healthy weight, and moderating alcohol consumption are recognized as effective strategies for minimizing the risk of ED.
One promising treatment is Cliovana, a unique, patented procedure specifically designed to enhance women’s orgasm intensity and frequency. This innovation is particularly noteworthy considering the widespread issue of sexual dissatisfaction among women. Studies indicate that 60% of women are not satisfied with their sex life, highlighting a significant disparity in sexual fulfillment between genders.
What sets Cliovana apart is its use of sound wave technology. This non-invasive approach, steering clear of lasers or scalpels, significantly reduces the risk of side effects, making it a safer alternative for sexual wellness. The technology is focused on increasing arousal levels, orgasm frequency, and intensity, aiming at a core aspect of sexual satisfaction: the clitoral responsiveness.
The efficacy of Cliovana is backed by clinical trials, which consistently show heightened sensation and stronger orgasms among women who undergo the treatment. The results are not just immediate but also long-lasting. Women report a sustained enhancement in their sexual experience, which can last for over a year, with the option of annual revitalization sessions to maintain these benefits.
2024 is setting a new tone in the realm of sexual health and wellness. With advancements in technology, increased openness, and a holistic approach to treatment and education, the future looks promising for individuals struggling with sexual dysfunction. This year symbolizes a breakthrough in not only treating the physical symptoms but also in supporting the emotional and relational aspects of sexual well-being.
— How CBD Gummies Can Enhance Your Journey to Sexual Well-Being
Hey there, pleasure seeker! If you’re looking to spice up your journey to sexual well-being, we’ve got a sweet treat for you – CBD gummies. Yep, those delightful little gummies aren’t just for chillin’; they can add a whole new layer of pleasure to your intimate adventures. Let’s unwrap the secrets and explore how CBD gummies can enhance your sexual well-being.
A Calm Prelude: CBD Gummies for Relaxation and Intimacy
Picture this: You and your partner, bathed in soft candlelight, feeling the calming effects of CBD gummies, setting the mood. CBD is known for its relaxation properties, and incorporating it into your prelude can create a serene atmosphere, easing any tension or stress. It’s like a gentle melody playing in the background, preparing you for a symphony of pleasure.
CBD gummies for sex? Absolutely. The relaxation you experience from the CBD can help you be more present in the moment, heightening your senses and paving the way for a more intimate connection. So, before you dive into the passionate crescendo, consider incorporating CBD gummies into your prelude for a calm and collected overture.
Amplifying Sensations: CBD Gummies and Heightened Pleasure
Now, let’s talk about how CBD gummies can turn up the volume on pleasure. CBD enhances blood flow, increases sensitivity, and reduces discomfort. Translation? You might just experience more heightened sensations and a smoother ride to ecstasy.
The magic lies in how CBD interacts with your body, increasing blood flow to intimate areas and promoting relaxation. It’s like a gentle breeze, enhancing the natural rhythms of pleasure. Incorporating CBD gummies for sex can be your secret weapon, intensifying the sensations and elevating your journey to new heights of pleasure.
An Encore of Connection: CBD Gummies for Intimacy and Bonding
The encore is all about connection and bonding as the curtain falls on your intimate escapade. CBD gummies, with their potential to reduce anxiety and promote a sense of calm, can foster a deeper emotional connection after the act. It’s like a post-performance glow, creating a space for you and your partner to bask in the warmth of shared intimacy.
CBD gummies for sex aren’t just about the act itself; they contribute to the entire experience, from the build-up to the afterglow. As you savor the encore, you may find that CBD helps maintain a sense of relaxation and connection, strengthening the emotional bonds that make your intimate moments truly special.
Exploring Varieties: Finding the Right CBD Gummies for Your Pleasure Palette
When it comes to CBD gummies for sex, one size doesn’t fit all. Just like choosing the right wine for a meal, finding the perfect CBD gummies to complement your pleasure preferences is key. CBD gummies come in various formulations, each offering unique benefits. Some are crafted for relaxation, while others focus on heightened sensations. Before you embark on your journey to sexual well-being, take a moment to explore the varieties available and consider what suits your pleasure palette.
For those seeking a gentle intro, CBD gummies with a balanced blend of CBD and relaxation-promoting ingredients may be the perfect choice. On the other hand, if you’re aiming to amplify sensations, gummies with a higher concentration of CBD might be more in tune with your desires. It’s all about finding the right balance and flavor to enhance your intimate experience. Dive into the world of CBD gummies and discover the variety that speaks to your unique pleasure preferences.
Timing Matters: When and How to Integrate CBD Gummies into Your Intimate Routine
Timing is everything, especially when incorporating CBD gummies into your intimate routine. Think of it like preparing the stage for a grand performance – you want everything to align perfectly. The optimal time to indulge in CBD gummies for sex is about an hour before you plan to engage in intimate activities. This allows the CBD to take effect, promoting relaxation and enhancing sensations when needed.
Consider making it a ritual. Whether it’s before a planned romantic evening or a spontaneous rendezvous, take a moment together to enjoy the CBD gummies. It can become a shared experience, adding an extra layer of connection. As you anticipate the pleasure, CBD works its magic in the background, preparing both your minds and bodies for a harmonious and enjoyable experience. So, pay attention to the timing, make it a part of your intimate routine, and let the CBD-infused symphony unfold.
Beyond Pleasure: Exploring the Potential Health Benefits of CBD Gummies
While the focus is on pleasure, it’s worth mentioning that CBD gummies offer more than just a sweet enhancement to your intimate moments. CBD has various health benefits, and incorporating it into your routine may contribute to overall well-being. CBD is known for its anti-inflammatory and stress-relieving properties, which can indirectly support sexual health.
Beyond the immediate pleasure boost, regular use of CBD gummies might contribute to a more relaxed state of mind, reducing stress and anxiety – common factors that can impact sexual well-being. It’s like adding an extra layer of self-care to your routine, promoting pleasure and a holistic approach to your health. So, as you explore the potential of CBD gummies for sex, consider the broader spectrum of well-being that they may bring to your life.
The Sweet Symphony: Incorporating CBD Gummies into Your Pleasure Playlist
As we wrap up this exploration of pleasure, think of incorporating CBD gummies into your pleasure playlist as adding a sweet melody to your favorite tune. Whether you’re seeking relaxation, heightened sensations, or a deeper connection, CBD gummies can be the secret ingredient that enhances your journey to sexual well-being. So, why not unwrap a new level of pleasure? Your symphony of satisfaction awaits!
Mens’ sex coach Alex Grendi says changing his mindset around intimacy transformed his sex life for the better.
Grendi said four tips helped him make partnered sex more pleasurable for him and his partners.
Following these tips can turn even one-night stands into amazing sex, Grendi said.
Once a week, Alex Grendi gets on Zoom with eight men, fielding their questions about how to impress their female partners in bed and ways to maximize their performance.
As a men’s sex coach, Grendi has helped hundreds of men have the best sex of their lives, the kind that makes their female partners gush to their friends about how mind-blowing it was for them too.
Grendi does this through his 12-week virtual course, which includes 72 sex lessons and weekly group check-ins. For $3,000, Grendi’s clients get lifetime access to his video modules, he told Business Insider. The lessons, which focus on things like personal arousal and female pleasure, are useful for both single and partnered men, according to Grendi.
He said that he’s tried all of his tips, both while in relationships and single, finding that even casual hookups could be deeply satisfying when he took the right approach.
“Before using these tips, I tried to perform like a porn star without really considering my or my partner’s desires. Now, I’m having the best sex of my life. I feel complete confidence and control, can last as long as I want, and help my partners have some of the deepest and most expansive orgasms of their lives,” Grendi told Business Insider.
Below, Grendi shares his four top takeaways for men who want to have better sex.
Reduce stress in your day-to-day life
One of Grendi’s sex coaches helped him realize that taking care of your mental health is important for a satisfying sex life, he said.
Until then, Grendi said he didn’t take much time for himself to calm down after a stressful day at work, let alone before a date that could result in sex.
But when he started taking time to reduce daily stress — exercising, and swapping morning doom-scrolling on his phone for reading a book or going for a walk — Grendi noticed that he could enter sexual experiences with a more grounded and less anxious demeanor.
“You can’t just be going 100 miles an hour all day and then expect you can just switch that off at 9 PM and be totally calm and ready for pleasure. You need to be able to regulate your nervous system throughout the day,” Grendi told Insider.
Don’t assume every partner wants the same things during sex
Grendi also learned how to focus on his sexual partners in more helpful ways, he told Business Insider.
Before working with sex coaches, he fixated on how a partner might judge his performance after sex, or what she might tell her friends. But Grendi’s female sex coach taught him that turning his attention to how each individual partner likes to receive pleasure was a better strategy for improving his performance.
Grendi said that she taught him about the concept of pleasure mapping, or slowly touching different areas of a partner’s body and genitals to understand what they personally want and need to get off, and which areas to avoid.
“When I started to do this with new partners, they would tell me that they’ve never been touched like this before. It’s been pretty special to help partners connect to their pleasure or have orgasms in new ways,” Grendi said.
Since pleasure mapping doesn’t center penetrative sex, it became a way for Grendi to focus less on his penis and more on pleasure as a full-body experience, he said.
Experiment with touch when you’re alone
Another men’s sex coach taught Grendi the importance of self-touch for becoming a better sexual partner, he said.
Like he did with his partners, Grendi committed to touching himself all over, not just his genitals. He said he still sets aside an hour each week — usually three 20-minute sessions — to be alone and experiment with feel-good sensations, like lightly biting his arm or scratching his chest. This practice has never gotten in the way of his sexual relationships, Grendi said.
According to Grendi, this practice made him realize there were so many more ways to feel pleasure than he knew was possible.
“Exploring every part of your body is a huge factor in knowing what you want,” Grendi said.
Practice being comfortable with saying “no”
When Grendi explored his body, he also learned the types of sensations he doesn’t like during partnered intimacy, like being touched on the lips, he said.
“If someone’s doing that and I don’t say anything, I’m just going to be thinking, ‘Wow, this is the last thing I want right now, but I don’t want to ruin the mood,'” Grendi said.
He said that one of his male sex coaches taught him how to avoid this outcome, instilling in him the importance of saying “no” to someone in a sexual setting without feeling guilty about it.
“Now, I’ll be like, ‘Hey, please be mindful not to touch my face. I like it more if you touch my neck,'” Grendi said. He told Insider that this practice has been a “game-changer” in his sex life because it makes sex feel more like a collaboration between partners, rather than a self-sacrificing performance.
A sexologist said her kinky clients do a lot more planning around sex than the vanilla ones.
Shamrya Howard told Insider non-kinky couples can learn a lot from those who are kinkier.
Tips include frequent communication and starting foreplay for the next round at the end of sex.
You might think that kinky sex is as spontaneous as it is unconventional. But a sexologist told Insider that her kinky clients do a lot more planning than those who are more vanilla when it comes to sex, and that groundwork pays off in a way that we could all benefit from.
Shamyra Howard, a licensed clinical social worker and AASECT-certified sex therapist, realized that it was her kinkier clients who tended to discuss and plan their sexual encounters, even though scheduling sex is commonly seen as a marker of a stale sex life, and that this made having sex easier and better.
Here are three things that Howard thinks the kink community does that could improve sex for non-kinky couples.
Scheduling time for sex
Kinky sex often requires some forward planning and organization, because it can involve other people, locations outside of the home, and specific equipment. For example, you might schedule a “playdate” or “play party” to have sex with another couple, or need a costume and a free house for roleplay.
Some couples might just engage in sexual play or a kink rather than any sex acts during this scheduled time, Howard said, which allows them to be intimate without the pressure of sex and helps “to keep each other warm, until it’s time to heat each other all the way up.”
This can in turn improve sex when it does happen, because it allows partners to prepare emotionally and physically, which can make sex more enjoyable, she said.
If scheduling sex sounds too formal, Howard previously told Insider that “erotic time zones” are a less rigid way of letting your partner know when you might be up for sex.
Practicing aftercare
Aftercare involves checking in with each other after sex or play to make sure everyone was comfortable, and attending to your partners’ needs so the experience has a fulfilling end. Kinky couples who practice things such as BDSM using ropes and whips might need to tend to cuts and bruises after sex too, or it might be necessary to have some affection and conversation to reset from a consensually aggressive scenario.
But any couple can benefit from aftercare, even if it’s just fetching the other person a heated blanket or tea if they like to feel warmth after sex, Howard said.
“Aftercare can be a game changer for couples who struggle with a desire discrepancy or couples who don’t feel as connected in their sexual relationship,” Howard said, referring to a mismatch in times when different partners want sex. This is because aftercare can help partners feel closer emotionally after sex, even if they haven’t been so connected outside of the bedroom.
Howard said: “Foreplay begins at the end of your last sexual encounter, so aftercare prepares you for your next sexual experience.”
‘Using your mouth’ to communicate more about sex
Kink culture is very hot on consent and communication — for example, safe words are used to signal when something is too rough and there can be strict rules around touching at play parties.
Howard said that her kinkier clients are often therefore much better at talking about sex. “They have to have more open communication because it’s built into the negotiation of their kinks,” she said.
Plus, you can easily incorporate discussing what you enjoyed into aftercare, to make sex better next time.
“Use your mouth,” Howard said, “figure out what your partner likes, whether that’s kinky or not. That’s going to be the key to having better sex.”
In the last installment of my series on male masturbation, we discussed problematic masturbation styles—how they can get in the way of satisfying partnered sex, and offered a surefire way to resolve these problems. This time around, I’d like to offer suggestions on how men can use different styles of masturbation to overcome certain dysfunctions, such as premature ejaculation.
Short Fuse Confusion
Here we have 28-year-old Marcos from NYC:
I may have premature ejaculation, meaning after I’m excited, I can’t hold it in (ejaculation) for more than a couple of minutes, which worries me regarding the pleasure I can provide… Suggestions, other than the eventual doctor visit?
The curious thing about premature ejaculation is that what constitutes “premature” is pretty subjective. Some men report that they can only last a minute or two, others say they can last only 15 minutes, but all consider themselves as premature ejaculators. I’m not trying to suggest that PE is a figment of one’s imagination. On the contrary; any guy who isn’t satisfied with the control he has or doesn’t have over his ejaculation may fall into this general category. In the same way, lasting longer, whatever “longer” might mean, is a relatively easy thing to accomplish. All you have to do is work at prolonging the pleasure.
Let’s start with how you masturbate, Marcos. If I had to guess, these sessions are speedy little affairs, right? A quick wank just to relieve sexual tension is a good thing, but if that’s all the self-pleasuring you do, it will interfere with your partnered pleasure later. Look at it this way: If your body is sensitized to coming quickly while masturbating, then that’s how it’ll respond with a partner.
I suggest that you reevaluate your self-pleasuring activities. Most, if not all of your masturbation should be dedicated to full-body masturbation. The object is to play with the sexual tension that develops in self-pleasuring, and to delay the your ejaculation for as long as you can.
As you become turned on you, build up sexual tension. Move the sexual energy all over your body as you stroke your cock. Touch and pleasure your whole body — feet, nipples, asshole, etc. Make the pleasure last as long as you can. As you approach the point of ejaculation, stop stroking yourself and concentrate your play on the other parts of your body. When the urge to come subsides, you can start stroking your dick again. Repeat the process ’til you can last 30 minutes. (By the way, some people refer to this as edging or edge play — coming to the edge of coming and then backing away. Get it? Got it? Good!)
The purpose of this exercise, besides the joy of getting off on your whole body, is to teach your body a different way to respond to cock stimulation. If you practice this method conscientiously, it will increase your sexual stamina both alone, and when you’re with a partner, too. Spread the sexual energy around. Concentrate on stalling your orgasm through the techniques you learned in your self-pleasuring. If you’re getting close to coming, pull out until you regain control; then resume. This will take some practice, but it’s worth the effort.
One final thing: If you’re concerned about the amount of pleasure you can provide, short fuse or not, I always encourage the men I work with in my private practice to look to pleasuring their partners before they even get warmed up themselves. But even after you come, you still have a mouth and hands and fingers with which to pleasure your partner, so there’s never an excuse to leave a partner unsatisfied, regardless of your own sexual response cycle.
Keeping the Genie in the Bottle
Now let’s turn our attention to two other masturbation styles—one that comes out of the Tantric sex tradition, the other comes to us by way of the world of kink. Both are similar to edging, inasmuch as they help gain control over our ejaculatory response, however, each of these practices evolved for very different purposes.
Tantric sex is interesting, if for no other reason that it distinguishes between orgasm and ejaculation; a distinction all men should know. Although they often happen at the same time, we are capable of having orgasms without ejaculating. In the Tantric practice of controlled ejaculation, men avoid ejaculating during masturbation (or partnered sex), making it possible to capture and extend the energy of orgasm. Refraining from, or holding off on ejaculation, men can actually become multiorgasmic. Learning to control the wave of our orgasmic energy without releasing that energy, or chi, through an ejaculation will at least give the practitioner a fuller, more intense orgasm.
Here’s how this works. If you take the time, you’ll notice that you have four distinct stages of erection: lengthening and filling; swelling; full erection; rigid erection. The fourth stage, rigid erection, signifies ejaculation is close at hand. Knowing this, you can incorporate a couple of Tantric techniques to quell the rising tide. Conscious breathing is a key for extended lovemaking. Rapid breathing excites and arouses you. Slow, controlled breathing, way down into your belly, calms you and helps delay ejaculation. Focusing on your breath takes your attention away from your genitals.
Throw in a few Kegel exercises to postpone ejaculation as well. These contractions of your pelvic floor muscles will allay the approaching ejaculation.
You can also delay ejaculation by gently tugging on your balls down and away from your body.
Tantric sex is all about you being conscious of your full self in your sexual practices, alone or with a partner. Being aware of and controlling your breathing, your genital muscles and the build-up of sexual tension will allow you to last as long as you’d like. Tantric practitioners speak of opening one’s self to our higher “spiritual” centers of ecstasy, bliss, joy, and wonder.
Finally, from the kinkier side of things there is a version of ejaculation control that is far edgier than what we’ve discussed so far. Here we have actual orgasm denial, which is often associated with cock and ball torture and/or chastity play. This is either self-induced or part of power play between a sub and his Dom. We’ll leave the power-play dynamic for another time. For now we’ll just look at this as a kinky masturbation technique.
Here’s a typical scenario. An edger will begin to wank like normal, but when he gets near to coming—he stops stroking. So far so good. But here is where the cock and ball torture may be introduced. The guy will often squeeze or slap his cock and balls till the urge to shoot subsides. Once the urge to come quiets down, he begins to stroke again. Stopping again whenever he approaches climax. He repeats this whole “stop and start” cycle, along with the CBT for as many times as he would like, so that when he finally shoots, if indeed he permits himself an orgasm, it will be much stronger and he’ll spew loads more spunk.
However, like all things edgy, you gotta know when enough is enough. I know a lot of men who edge and they swear by it. I also know that a number of these men are doing themselves a disservice, even harm, because they are practicing an extreme version of edging. In the end, despite the stand-up nature of our dick, it is a very delicate instrument. Intense edging, especially accompanied by nasty squeezing or slapping to quell the building ejaculation can be injurious. And if you overdo orgasm denial you can injure your prostate and seminal vesicles.
Most people will experience a loss of sexual desire at some point in their life, be it due to parenthood, a health condition, hormonal changes, grief or other reasons. But how can you overcome this? Sex therapists and educators share the secrets to getting your mojo back.
1. Be aware that it is incredibly normal
“Fluctuations in desire are a natural part of the human experience, influenced by different life stages,” says Chris Sheridan, a psychotherapist and founder of The Queer Therapist in Glasgow. “We’re not robots,” says Natasha Silverman, a Relate sex and relationship therapist based in the Cotswolds. She has helped couples who haven’t had sex for decades and says this is one of the most common reasons people seek advice. “It is very normal for relationships to go through periods when couples aren’t having sex, or one person wants to and the other doesn’t.”
2. Mood is often a factor
Addressing this is the first step. “External life stresses and anxiety all put the brakes on sexual desire,” says Silverman. “If you are stressed and overwhelmed – worried about the kids or there are problems at work – it’s not going to be quite so easy to get into that headspace.” Medication such as antidepressants can also have an impact on sex drive, she adds.
3. Have a medical check-up
It is important to see a doctor about loss of libido. If people are describing anxiety, depression or other symptoms that may be connected to a health issue such as the menopause, “we do suggest that people get checked”, says Silverman. “For example, someone may have erectile difficulties that are putting them off sex. But if that is a chronic problem, it can be indicative of something like heart disease.”
4. Talk to someone outside the relationship
Find someone to confide in, says Silverman. This could be “a friend or a professional. Someone who can normalise it, help you look at why this might be happening and take the shame out of it. Think about when things changed and what might be making it more difficult.” Try to work out, “what it is that made you feel as if your mojo isn’t there any more”, says Dami “Oloni” Olonisakin, a sex positive educator and author of The Big O: An empowering guide to loving, dating and f**king.
5. Be prepared to talk to your partner
When you are ready, talk to your partner about how you are feeling. This could be in a therapy space or on your own. “Your partner will already be sensing that something has changed,” says Silverman. “And if you’re not talking about it with them, they are going to fill in the gaps, most likely with their own anxieties: ‘They don’t want to be with me any more’; ‘They don’t find me attractive’; ‘Maybe there’s someone else.’ So be upfront and honest.” Most people are too ashamed to work on stale, long-term relationships and be more creative about seeking pleasure together, says Todd Baratz, a sex therapist in New York City. It doesn’t “necessarily mean getting out the whips and chains, it just means communicating about sex, talking about what your sexual needs are”.
‘Set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies.’
6. Single people struggle with desire, too
It is not only those in a relationship who experience a loss of libido. Silverman says she is seeing increasing numbers of single people who “want to iron out mistakes from previous relationships” and women, in particular, who have become used to “minimising their needs”. There are a lot of myths that need to be busted about the G-spot and what a healthy sex life looks like, she says. Being single is a good time to figure out what works for you “and make yourself more robust”, for your next relationship or sexual encounter.
7. Work out what desire means to you
“Society often normalises saying ‘yes’ to things we may not genuinely want to do, a behaviour that can permeate our relationship dynamics,” says Sheridan. “Expressing our true desires and practising saying ‘no’ enables us to transition into healthy communication characterised by negotiation and mutual consent.”
“What is really important,” says Miranda Christophers, a sex and relationship psychotherapist at The Therapy Yard in Beaconsfield, “is that both partners have the desire for desire. If somebody’s motivation for intimacy is because they know that their partner likes to have sex and they need to do it to keep the partner happy, that wouldn’t necessarily be a positive motivator. We try to get them to work out what they enjoy about sex, what they are getting from it.” That could be pleasure in the moment or a sense of connection afterwards.
8. In most couples, one person will want sex more than the other
“This phenomenon is not exclusive to heterosexual couples,” says Sheridan. “It presents similarly within same-sex and sexually diverse relationships”, in which there can be “an additional layer of complexity emerging due to the pervasive influence of heteronormativity”. “Desire isn’t necessarily gender specific,” says Baratz. “It is often assumed that men want sex all the time and women want to be seduced, and that’s not the case. People have a wide and diverse expression of how they desire, regardless of their gender.” That said, men tend to experience spontaneous desire, whereas women are more responsive, says Christophers, and desire may only kick in at the point of arousal.
9. A sex ban can be a good place to start
Silverman says many therapists will encourage couples to abstain from sex and masturbation while initial conversations are taking place, before introducing affection for affection’s sake that won’t lead to something else. Plus, “telling someone they can’t have sex tends to be an effective way to get them in the mood”, she says.
10. Looking back is crucial
As with any kind of therapy, considering past experiences, positive and negative, can help to process problems in the present. Sheridan explains: “Examining a client’s sexual response history across their lifespan allows us to discern whether the change is a situational occurrence or a longstanding pattern. A crucial aspect of this involves understanding the current and historical dynamics of their relationships.” Silverman adds: “We look at their first relationships, the potential obstacles that are in the way of them being able to let go sexually, any health problems, trauma or historic sexual abuse.” “Trauma has a huge impact on our sensory system,” says Baratz, “and sex is all about sensory experiences, so it’s going to potentially decrease the way we feel safe or connected to our senses. That means that we need to be with a partner we feel safe with.”
11. Rediscover non-sexual intimacy
This could be “kissing each other before you leave the house or playfully patting your partner on the bum as they walk past”, says Oloni. “Different things can help reignite that spark, so when you are back in bed you’ve done things throughout the day that remind you your partner still desires you sexually and is attracted to you.” Sensate exercises, in which couples are encouraged to “set aside time each week to explore each other’s bodies, focusing on the feeling that they have themselves when they are doing this”, are helpful too, says Christophers.
12. Scheduling
This isn’t for everyone, says Silverman, as it can make sex feel like even more of a chore. But it can be helpful for some, especially if young children are getting in the way. “Schedule a romantic date night or time to find different ways to get in touch with that side,” says Oloni. For new parents, Christophers advises: “Even if it is just for an hour, go somewhere else and create a more adult space together.” Baratz recommends “planning sex instead of relying upon spontaneity and declaring our schedules are too busy”.
13. Self-love is everything
“Emphasising self-love is integral,” says Sheridan. “As it empowers individuals to honestly articulate their needs and desires, building more authentic and fulfilling sexual and emotional intimacy in the relationship.” Take care of yourself too: shower and put on fragrance, says Baratz. “Exercise plays a big role in cultivating a relationship with your body.” He encourages “yoga, if that’s pleasurable, or massage or a spa day or a bath bomb – anything that is a sensory experience that feels good and will reinforce the connection that we can feel with our body”. “When you walk past a mirror, tell yourself how beautiful you are,” says Oloni. “How lucky anybody would be to be in your presence naked.”
14. Work on body confidence
This could be through “buying yourself new lingerie that makes you feel sexy”, says Oloni. “You need to find that confidence within yourself then present that to your partner. I used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I remember a woman came in who had just had a child and she burst into tears because a bra looked good on her. That has stuck with me because it really does take the right type of underwear to make you feel sexy again, or to see yourself in a different way.”
15. Faking it can be counterproductive
Again, this is very common, thanks to people getting sex education from mainstream pornography, says Silverman, which often suggests women need to have penetrative sex to have an orgasm, whereas about 75% of women require clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. But “every time someone fakes an orgasm, they are showing their partner the exact wrong way to make them climax – there is a sexual dishonesty there”, she says. “Some people do struggle to reach orgasm, which is known as anorgasmia. This can be a result of medication, trauma or trust issues that haven’t been explored. But generally speaking, people can reach orgasm on their own. We recommend that people get to know their bodies by themselves and what does it for them, before expecting a partner to know what to do.”
16. Pornography doesn’t have to be visual
“There is a difference between ethical and non-ethical pornography,” says Oloni. “And it is important to understand what has been created for the male gaze.” She points to other forms of erotica that can be accessed, such as audio pornography and literature. “There are so many different mediums you could get that sexual rush from, but I don’t think people truly explore. It’s usually the same link or bookmark of a favourite porn site or video. I think it’s important to mix it up, especially when it comes to fantasising. They say that the biggest sexual organ that we actually have is the brain. It’s so important to fantasise in different ways instead of just one.”
17. Think about ‘sexual currency’
“This is a term that a lot of sex educators are using now,” says Oloni, “which is designed to help you find that desire and spark in your relationship. It could mean cuddling more on the sofa when you’re watching a movie, or it could be remembering to kiss your partner before you leave the house.”
18. Write down things you want to try
This helps if you can’t say them out loud. Work out what they are and send over an image or link, suggests Oloni. “Write them down on bits of paper and put them in a pot,” says Christophers, so you can pull them out and potentially try something new. “Create an opportunity for playfulness,” she says. “A bit more intrigue, a bit more mystery.”
19. Variety is the spice of life
Oils, toys and other aids can be useful after body changes due to the menopause, having a baby or other health conditions, says Christophers, as is trying different positions. “Think about comfort and practical things, such as using lubricants.”
20. Put down your phone
For those who would rather go to bed with their phone than their partner, put it away. “This comes up a lot,” says Christophers. “I’m not saying don’t ever bring your phone into bed,” says Oloni. “But that could be a time where you up your sexual currency. You’re in bed with your partner. This is where you should feel your most relaxed but you can’t really unwind when you are on your phone, you’re still taking in so much information. You could use that time instead to not necessarily have sex, but just be still, hug, spoon or giggle with your partner.”
Juliana Hauser is a licensed therapist who specializes in sex-positive counseling.
She says many women have better sex as they age.
Self pleasure can help women explore new desires, she said.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Juliana Houser, a licensed marriage and family therapist who is the resident expert and advisor at Kindra. It has been edited for length and clarity.
The success of “The Golden Bachelor” has proven something I’ve seen in my work for a long time. When it comes to love, relationships, and sex, older people don’t want to be counted out.
Many of my clients in their 50s and beyond have vibrant, exciting, and novel sex lives. They want to be seen as sexual beings. When that occurs, great things happen: I’ve met many women who are having passionate, orgasmic sex that just gets better with age. Here’s how they’re doing it and the tips that can help you have the same, no matter what your age.
Harness confidence in yourself
Society feeds us lots of messages about what it means to be a woman who is desired and who desires others. We all have an image of what it means to be sexy — and if we don’t think we fit that picture, we can become disconnected from our own eroticism.
And yet, by the time women reach middle age, they have self-confidence. When you know who you authentically are, you can shed all the layers of what you thought sexy was. That lets you unapologetically embrace what sexy means to you.
Nurture the most important sexual relationship you have
Nearly everyone has their own individual sex life, whether they’re partnered or not. Your sexual relationship with yourself is the longest and most important sexual relationship you’ll have, but too often, we ignore it.
Create different sexual experiences for yourself, just like you would with a partner. Vary what times of day you self-pleasure; have slow, intimate sessions and quickies; explore your kinky side.
Take microdoses of pleasure
Lots of people, especially women, deprive themselves. We focus so much time on our careers and families while pushing pleasure off for another time — the weekends or vacation.
Instead of doing that, I recommend finding time for microdoses of pleasure every day. Change the pacing of pleasure until it’s something that’s constantly around rather than something to be waited for.
Connect with your senses
How do you microdose pleasure? By connecting with our senses. Feeling sensual can open the door to feeling pleasure, which I define as feeling a spark or vibrancy inside you.
Pleasure and sensuality start with things that aren’t sexual at all: a sunrise that brings you joy or the smell of a bouquet of flowers. Look for anything that makes your body say “yum” or “yes.” As you respond to that part of yourself, you’ll become more confident in finding and experiencing what brings you pleasure in bed.
Understand your body is changing
The impacts of menopause are undeniable and normal. But they don’t have to mean the end of your sex life — in fact, we’ve found that 70% of women who are 50 or older still enjoy sex.
There can be hard feelings associated with changing bodies and again. But embracing change can be helpful. Learn what works for your body now. Try products and toys that might ease any difficulties you have. Broaden your definition of sex. After all, there’s a whole continuum of what sex can be, not just penetration.
Get curious
Adapt an attitude of curiosity about sex. Google “10 best sex toys of 2023” and see what catches your eye. If you hear a term you don’t know, look it up. Ask your friends where they’re finding pleasure, or what aspects of sex and aging are challenging for them. Share your struggles and your interests.
You can even create a sex bucket list. Revisit it every now and then — you might notice that you might want to try things that were once a “no,” or that acts that were once appealing no longer intrigue you.
More than anything, know what pleasure is your birthright. Sexuality isn’t a luxury reserved for the young(er). It’s a necessity that we can connect with throughout our lives.
His cock will be hypersensitive after he comes, so be gentle.
By Dr Dick
And now, sex fans, the pièce de résistance of my male masturbation series. All of you folks out there who don’t have a penis—but know someone who does—join Jenna as I explain the fine art of a partnered handjob.
Dr. Dick,
My husband of four years has an exceptionally large penis. He likes nothing better than for me to rub him to climax. We have intercourse and we do oral on each other and he likes that just fine; he just prefers to watch me use my hands on him. Do you think that’s odd? Also, I don’t have a lot of experience in this area, so any pointers would be greatly appreciated.
There’s nothing wrong; he just loves a good old-fashioned wank! Here’s the deal with many of us guys: we first become acquainted with the pleasure our cock can offer through touching ourselves, and when it comes right down to it, there is rarely a mouth, pussy or ass that can compete with the variety of stroke and firmness of grip a hand can provide. Simply stated, the humble handjob, if done right, can be the ideal way to pleasure your man. Just remember, even though jerkin’ your guy off isn’t particularly exotic, as far as sex acts go, it never has to be boring—for him or you.
I am of the mind that a brilliant wank begins with a first-class lube. Many guys swear by silicone-based lubes for this purpose, but a handjob connoisseur like your hubby will probably have his own favorite. Start off with just enough to make things slick; you don’t want to overdo it. Get a feel for his johnson, and what you have to work with. Skillfully draw back the skin toward the root of his dick ’til it’s taut. This is much easier to do on uncut men, but even cut men will have some skin left to move.
While you’re doing this, feel free to “oooh” and “ahhh” a lot. This is a perfect time to marvel at the work of art before you. For, as we all know, a hard man is good to find. Your man will get off on you admiring his unit.
You say that your man is hung. Lucky you! Can you wrap your fingers around the base and get a good grip there? If not, you’ll want to consider a cockring for this purpose. In fact, if you use a cockring, you’ll free up both hands for what’s to come.
Now that you’ve got a nice boner going, get between his legs. Take his cock between the palms of your hands, interlock your fingers and guide your hands up and down his shaft. Your thumbs should be on the underside of his dick, so that on each stroke up and down, you hit his frenulum with the pads of your thumb. With his cock still between your palms, rub your hands together, like as if you’re warming them. This will provide great new sensations for him.
Hold his cock in one hand and with the well-lubed palm of your other hand, slowly move it in nice lazy circles all over his dickhead. This is a particularly delicate procedure, especially if your man is uncut. Once he’s fully aroused, his dickhead will be super-sensitive, and if you’re using a cockring, his pecker will be even more engorged than usual, making it hypersensitive. Be sure to ask for feedback on this move. If he finds this too uncomfortable, move on to something more pleasurable. Most guys will already be giving directions on what to do and how, so all you have to do is follow his lead. Remember, he knows his way around his joint better than anyone.
Don’t forget to service his testicles. Since a guy’s jewels are less sensitive to touch than his dickhead, you can handle them a bit more. Squeeze and tug and even gently slap them to your heart’s delight. While you’re doing that, and with his dick flat against his belly, shimmy the heel of your hand up and down the underside of his cock. You see how you are incorporating different sensations and movements all at the same time? Keep this up and he’ll be putty in your hands.
Interlace your fingers and make a tight passageway through the palms of your hands. Pump up and down his shaft this way. As you get to the top of his cock, close the passageway even tighter. Then make him squeeze his way in as you slide back down to the bottom. Then with one hand rapidly following the other in only a downward stroke, make like a perpetual penetration tunnel. This will make his eyes roll back in ecstasy.
Now would be a good time to incorporate other parts of your body. Most men get off on a titty-fuck. Cozy his cock between your boobs and have him hump away. You could also use your feet in the same fashion.
Go back to rhythmically stroking him. Watch as his dickhead swells and turns red or even purple. Use your fingertips on the tip of his dick like you’re turning a doorknob—to the right, then to the left. Slowly increase the pressure ’til he begs you to stop. Now you have him right where you want him.
Now things get really interesting. When he’s least expecting it, move one of your hands down past his balls and taint. Once past his taint, you’ll find his rosebud. With a well-lubed finger, massage his pucker.
If this is virgin territory for you and the hubby, he’s in for the thrill of his life. Continue to stroke his cock and asshole. Don’t be afraid to try and push your fingertip past his sphincter. If he lets you inside, you’ll have access to his prostate. But even if he doesn’t, massaging the outside of his hole will bring him very close to an explosive conclusion.
If you’re ready to finish him off, pick up the pace of your stroking. He’ll be breathing heavily now and he’ll look down over his chest at the miracle happening between his legs. Tell him to throw his legs in the air and spread them as far apart as possible. This will add considerably to the muscle tension that you’ve already built up. And a thunderous orgasm is all about muscle tension.
Now bring this puppy home. Lick his balls, finger his hole and beat his meat like it owes you money. Insist that he keeps his feet in he air and his legs splayed. Momentarily, he will begin to quake with building mini-orgasms. He will no doubt try to buck himself to conclusion, but don’t let him. For the moment you’re in charge down here, not him. Tease him one last time as he nears ejaculation. When he’s almost there, suddenly stop what you’re doing. This will, of course, drive him crazy. And don’t resume stroking ’til he begs for it.
It’ll probably only take a few more strokes before he gives it up. Keep your face—or at least your eyes—out of the way, because when he finally blows, it will be explosive. If you’ve toyed with him for any length of time, you’ll have built up quite a load and it’ll shoot in spurts ’til he’s empty.
His cock will be hypersensitive after he comes, so be gentle.
Orgasm anxiety is a topic that doesn’t get enough attention, but it’s a real issue that affects a lot of women.
What is orgasm anxiety?
Orgasm anxiety is a sense of nervousness and stress surrounding the ability to orgasm, typically during partnered sexual activity. Orgasm anxiety can manifest itself by hyperfocusing on achieving orgasm or excessively worrying about a lack of orgasm.
What causes orgasm anxiety?
A lack of sex-positive, pleasure-focused sex education is a significant cause of orgasm anxiety.
In our sexually liberated society, many women feel pressured to have great sex with mind-blowing orgasms. While great strides have been made to help women orgasm by self-stimulation, millions of women struggle to orgasm when a man is involved.
The ability to orgasm is of primary concern among women, with approximately 25% of women having never experienced an orgasm or having difficulty experiencing one. Even more women do not orgasm during partnered sex, with a study reporting that only 18.4% of women orgasm during intercourse alone.
Some men know how to bring a woman to orgasm. Many women are not informed or confident enough to tell men what they need to orgasm. It’s a taboo topic that must be addressed if we want to close the orgasm gap.
Six tips for overcoming orgasm anxiety and enjoying sex more
Overthinking causes stress and anxiety, the most common reasons why 58% of women don’t orgasm. Feeling anxious can cause orgasm difficulties as it creates a barrier to sexual fulfillment.
According to experts, overthinking is the most significant barrier to women’s orgasms. It’s similar to ‘spectatoring’. For example, focusing on oneself from a third-person perspective during sexual activity rather than focusing on one’s sensations or sexual partner.
In the bedroom, a lot of women overthink and find it challenging to climax due to the negative thoughts. “Overthinking gives you tunnel vision that can only focus on what’s wrong in your life,” writes renowned psychologist Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, who helps women who ruminate too much. To stop overthinking, shift your perspective from “what’s wrong?” to “what’s not wrong?” Adopt a pleasure-positive perspective to become orgasmic.
For many women, the practice of mindfulness is vital to overcoming orgasm anxiety. Learn how to be present during intimacy to enjoy sexual pleasure.
2. Focus on pleasure, not climax
While most women can easily stimulate themselves to orgasm, up to 65% of women do not orgasm during sexual intercourse, even with clitoral stimulation.
If orgasm anxiety is preventing you from having an orgasm with a partner, it might be worth focusing on sexual pleasure instead. Goal-orientated sex can create a lot of internalized pressure and may leave you feeling frustrated when you don’t orgasm.
Pressure can create anxiety and make it even more difficult to orgasm. The expectation to climax is known as the orgasm imperative.
Prioritizing sexual pleasure can help relieve orgasm worries.
Take the focus off the orgasmic goal and follow the pleasure journey. You are more likely to reach orgasm when you are on the road to pleasure.
3. You’re not broken, you’re normal
It’s common for women to experience orgasm anxiety at some stage in their life. Many women find it challenging to climax or have never experienced an orgasm, and that’s okay. Remember, when it comes to orgasm, there is no such thing as “normal.”
Every woman is different, and every woman has different orgasmic experiences. What works for one woman may not work for another, and that’s okay. Some women do not orgasm until their forties or even later, and that’s okay.
It’s important to understand that you are not abnormal, damaged, or broken because you do not orgasm as often as you would like or expect.
Learn what works for you and set realistic expectations without comparing yourself to others.
4. Communicate your feelings
Effective communication is vital to overcoming orgasm anxiety. Open communication in a safe and non-judgmental way can help eradicate bedroom stress.
If you are in a relationship, speak to your partner about your desires, preferences, and boundaries. It can help him understand your needs and learn how to support you.
Often, women will speak to their female friends about bedroom issues and assume that men are not concerned about their needs. It’s important to remember that men are not mind readers. We think differently to women, and that’s okay. This is why it’s critical to communicate your needs and desires effectively.
You can show your partner how you like to be touched or guide him with your hands to help you discover new sensations.
5. Try new techniques
The route to climax varies among women. If you’re someone who struggles to orgasm during sex, try different techniques to help you achieve the elusive big O.
Researchers at the sexual pleasure platform OMGYES identified four techniques to help women increase sexual pleasure. According to the OMGYES Pleasure Report, adult women in America reported that the “shallowing,” “pairing,” “rocking,” and “angling” techniques made vaginal intercourse more pleasurable.
Intercourse is only one technique for lovemaking; women can reach orgasm through non-penetrative techniques such as kunyaza. It’s a myth that orgasm should occur through intercourse alone.
Find the technique that works for you!
6. Learn what gives you pleasure
Many women have convinced themselves that they are unable to orgasm because they’ve experienced years of unsatisfactory sex. It can also be challenging to open up to a partner or friends about orgasmic dysfunction. A lack of sexual knowledge can lead to bedroom anxiety.
Misinformation about women’s sexuality is rampant, as there are many misconceptions about female sexual arousal and women’s orgasm. Such misinformation has contributed to many women feeling inadequate.
Hollywood actress and author Kim Cattrall believed she was unable to orgasm until she experienced her first orgasm in her forties. Despite playing a sexually confident character on screen, Cattrall struggled to orgasm until she met her third husband and learned what turns her on.
Educating yourself about women’s experiences can help normalize your path to sexual satisfaction.
Not sure where to start when it comes to spicing things up in the bedroom? Don’t be discouraged. Here’s how one viral TikTok expert suggests approaching sexual play, breaking down kink for beginners.
Kinks, fetishes and wild sexual fantasies are more often than not surrounded by a haze of misinformation, shame and secrecy. However, according to one historical author, sexual play has long been a crucial part of society.
Sharing her fascinating research with the world, author Esmé Louise James has become a TikTok sensation, boasting over 2.4 million followers, and earning a spot on the platform’s top one per cent of creators. Unmasking the fantasies and bedroom proclivities of some of history’s most prominent figures, James’ content continues to captivate her constantly growing audience.
Joining Felicity Harley, host of the Healthy-ish podcast, James breaks the fascinating world of kink, from its historical roots to today’s contemporary interpretations. Unpacking the importance of sexual exploration, the pair break down some of the stigma still attached, discussing some simple yet effective kink practices for beginners.
The history of kink
You don’t need a PhD to recognise just how XX our interpretation of all things sex has been throughout history. With every new era and cultural transformation, we seem to backtrack and reject the attitudes of late, either wholeheartedly embracing our sexuality as a society, or dismissing its relevance completely.
“Kink is generally defined as any sexual behaviour that sits outside of normal, and our definition of that can change over time,” explains James. “I guess we would define it now as anything outside of vanilla sex.”
Fluid and ever-changing, our sexual preferences and habits can’t be so easily labelled, meaning defining kink depends entirely on the context. According to the history buff, kink practices things that we would find very shocking today have existed for as long as we’ve had a human history.
“One of my favourite ones is that in the 17th century, flagellation and strangulation became so popular in England that they actually had to put laws in place because people were becoming harmed at brothels and in houses by spanking,” explains the author. “It became known as the ‘English vice’, and this was spread across Europe.”
The biggest misconceptions surrounding common sexual practices
Reflecting on the vast and ever-changing sexual landscape throughout history, James urges people to consider how their own contexts and personal histories may have influenced their comprehension of kink practices. She says in order to truly embrace and understand kink practices, one must steer the conversation away from intercourse, instead exploring the idea of pleasure and experience.
“One thing we often look over is the importance of imagination in sexual experience as well, especially for women,” the author explains. “And my God, the amount of times that we’re in the bedroom and our head is thinking about a million different other things, ‘what are we going to cook for dinner?’ ‘Have we done the laundry?’, all of these kinds of things that we’re running a million miles an hour.”
“So being able to engage the imagination in the bedroom I think is one of the easiest but most overlooked aspects of intimate experiences with someone,” she adds.
How to bring kink into the bedroom
If you’re curious about exploring the world of kink or feel like adding a bit of spice to your usual bedroom antics could pay off for you and your partner, James says it’s important not to overcomplicate matters. She suggests starting with safe, simple sensory exploration, explaining that closing down on sense, such as wearing a blindfold, can heighten and stimulate your body’s other responses.
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“Just one of you putting on a blindfold and experimenting with feeling things like feathers or silk or other things on your body, that is technically a kink because it deviates from vanilla sex,” says James. “It’s something that I think is a nice, easy access point for people to start experimenting with different sensual behaviours in the bedroom.”
But if feathers and blindfolds don’t quite scratch the itch for you, the TikTok-famous historian says it might be worth turning to the past for some inspiration.
“I always say to people, you know, if you’re looking to spice things up, what’s the best thing to do? Go and read some pornography from the 1800s,” says James. “Honestly, read about what people were doing and practising back hundreds of years ago, and weirdly enough, I think it normalises experimentations for us now.”
Picture the scene: You’ve just finished having sex, and the person who just seconds ago was digging their nails into your back, is now backing away. They’ve instantly and completely gone off the idea of any kind of physical contact. As they slip into the shower, you’re left clutching a sweaty pillow, wondering why they didn’t want to stay under the blanket for a cuddle and a chat.
Or maybe – no judgement! – you’re the one doing the showering in this particular scenario. Everyone reacts differently in the moments after orgasm. In fact, it’s now become a burgeoning area of academic study. Until recently, much of the research was focused on what’s known clinically as post-coital dysphoria — the term given to those unmistakable sensations of sadness, anxiety and irritability that can wash over us after a sexual encounter.
Then along came a 2020 study by Andrea Burri and Peter Hilpert, two sexologists based at the Institute for Sex Counselling and Sexual Sciences in Zurich, which concluded that we might be better off redefining it as “postcoital symptoms”. They understand it as a series of feelings, including mood swings and low energy, that arise largely due to a decline in interest after sexual climax.
The duo surveyed 223 women and 76 men, asking them to answer a base set of 21 questions related to the topic. A staggering 94.3 percent of the participants were found to have shown signs of postcoital symptoms since they became sexually active. Interestingly, 46.6 percent of them reported that these feelings were just as likely to be present after masturbation as they were after sexual activity with another person (or multiple people).
It’s worth considering that much of the scientific literature on this topic has, historically at least, been rather phallocentric. A good example of just how much weight has been placed on the penis is the significance afforded to the refectory period — that is, just how long it takes a man to get an erection again after orgasm. This is largely determined by the age of the penis-possessor in question. Eighteen-year-olds only have to factor in 28 minutes or so, while sexually active men in their 70s are looking at a 20-hour gap between sessions.
Fabrizio Quattrini, a psychotherapist, sexologist and lecturer in clinical sexual disorders at Italy’s University of L’Aquila, is adamant that both sexes are affected by stimulation. “Hypersensitivity of the genitals after orgasm isn’t just a male thing,” he says. “Some people have a hypersensitive clitoral gland, which has to be stimulated in a certain way to experience pleasure. And just like men with their penises, they might not want to even think about any additional stimulation after that.”
Beyond the outmoded stereotypes that permeate our understanding of gender and sexuality (i.e. men scarpering after sex and women clinging, barnacle-like, to their partners), there’s an attempt to understand the post-sex blues as a biological phenomena. It’s an idea put forward by Filippo Maria Nimbi, a psychologist and sexologist at the Sapienza University of Rome.
“The evolutionary branches say that, on a biological level, women try to keep their partners close to guarantee a feeling of safety in the result of pregnancy, while men want to inseminate as many women as possible to ensure the continuation of the species,” Nimbi says. “But that’s a simplistic and dated concept. We have to overcome the gender binary and all the stereotypes that come with it.”
It’s possible that those stereotypes have already played a devastating role in the collective sexual imagination. We often take on roles in the bedroom, reacting and behaving in certain ways, because this is what we feel like we should be doing, as opposed to what we actually want to do. This occurs in sexual relationships of all stripes.
This stems in part from our experience of sex education in childhood and adolescence, Quattrini argues. He says that when you’ve not been educated properly on the link between emotion and sexuality, the heady combination of physical and emotional sensations that bubble up in one’s self after sex cannot be “understood, managed, and evaluated in a constructive way.” This leads to situations where people’s ideas about sex perhaps don’t align with their lived experience of it.
So how can couples handle a situation where one partner tends towards postcoital symptoms more than the other? For Quattrini, communication is key. “You’ve got to ask each other questions like: ‘How did this start? Has it always been like this? Have we ever addressed it?’” he says. “Clearly, if that aspect was never there, it means that the partners are becoming aware of some absence. If, on the other hand, they were there in the past, but not anymore, it may be a sign of losing something in the relationship. You always need to understand how a couple is evolving.”
The experts I spoke with reiterated the need to practice what we might think of as “positive sexuality”. This has nothing to do with thinking that every sexual encounter will be amazing, but instead experiencing it all without judgement and prejudice — and that extends to any postcoital anxieties. Including, it seems, running off for a shower.
Age and the passage of time usher in many changes. But in all my years practicing medicine, one thing remains a constant: My patients want to continue having a fulfilling and pleasurable sex life, even if they’re dealing with health problems or chronic illness. One disease that can take a heavy toll on a couple’s sex life is diabetes. Fortunately, there are ways to manage it and reignite your sex drive. Don’t despair! Here’s how you can do it.
The role of glucose in your sex life
People with diabetes are more prone to sexual dysfunction than the rest of the population, according to the American Diabetes Association (ADA). Both men and women may experience little or no sex drive due to poor management of their diabetes. But only 47 percent of men and 19 percent of women with diabetes discuss this issue with their doctors, according to a study published by Diabetes Care. Controlling blood sugar levels with medication and regularly monitoring these levels is essential to maintaining a healthy sex life.
But even if blood sugar is kept under control, men and women with diabetes may feel sexual desire but have difficulty becoming physically aroused.
And a failure to control blood sugar will eventually lead to blood vessel and nerve damage, which can prevent arousal.
How does diabetes affect your sex life?
There are many reasons why people with diabetes lose their sex drive or their ability to orgasm. Obesity, high blood pressure, sleep apnea and depression are conditions that often accompany diabetes and can compromise your libido. Some of the medications used to treat these conditions can also adversely affect your sex life. Some treatments for high blood pressure, for instance, can cause erectile dysfunction.
According to a study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, the sexual disorders of patients with type 1 diabetes are directly linked to depression and are less severe in those who accept their diabetes. These disorders also affect men more than women, and they take a greater toll on patients with blood glucose levels above 6.5 percent.
Erectile dysfunction in men with diabetes
If a man’s blood vessels don’t function properly or he has a blocked artery, his penis will not receive enough blood flow to get an erection. Men over 50 with type 2 diabetes are 11 times more likely to experience erectile dysfunction than younger men, according to a study published in the Caspian Journal of Internal Medicine.
Men with diabetes-related erectile dysfunction are also at greater risk of developing Peyronie’s disease, where a type of scar tissue known as plaque forms under the skin of the penis. This causes a curvature that can make erections painful, difficult or impossible.
Sexual problems in women with diabetes
Nerve damage in women can cause vaginal dryness, a condition that is not unique to people with diabetes but, according to the ADA, is twice as common in this population. The neurovascular system plays a necessary role in arousal and orgasm. If the small nerves aren’t working properly due to damage from poorly controlled blood sugar, a woman can have sensation problems. The clitoris needs optimal blood flow and sensation to become engorged enough to achieve orgasm.
Women with diabetes are also at greater risk of urinary tract and vaginal infections, which can make sexual intercourse painful and unpleasurable. Middle-aged women with diabetes who take insulin are 80 percent more likely to have difficulty reaching orgasm than women without diabetes, according to a study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology.
How can you maintain a healthy sex life?
Here are some practical suggestions that anyone can follow:
1. Eat right
Eating healthy can make all the difference. Non-starchy vegetables, such as broccoli and carrots, and whole grains can help stabilize your blood sugar and give you the energy you need to have sex. These foods are also rich in fiber and nourish your gut microbiome — the bacteria and other organisms that keep your gut healthy. A snack before sex will help boost your stamina and keep your blood sugar under control.
2. Exercise
Sex, like any other form of exercise, requires energy. So how can you be prepared? Activities such as weightlifting and Zumba classes can help you build stamina and have more energy in bed. I recommend at least 150 minutes of exercise per week, which can include walking, swimming or even gardening. Exercise also makes the body more sensitive to insulin, which helps it control insulin levels more efficiently.
3. Take your medications
Strictly follow your doctor’s instructions and make sure you take your medications. If you have diabetes, controlling your blood sugar starts with taking your prescriptions. Talk with your doctor if you suspect that a medication prescribed to treat other conditions may be interfering with your sex life, so that you can work together to look for alternatives. I also recommend buying a weekly pill organizer, which has been shown to help increase compliance with medical treatment.
4. Manage stress
Learning that you have diabetes can be upsetting and can affect your mental health. Learn how to calm your mind and body in stressful moments, such as during a sexual encounter. Brush away negative thoughts. Be grateful for — and focus on — enjoyable moments. Meditation can be very helpful. Research shows that meditation may strengthen the parts of the brain that help you remain calmer in stressful situations. But my favorite tool for reducing stress and anxiety is cognitive behavioral therapy; check with your doctor to see if this is a good option for you.
5. Be consistent
Consistency is a bridge between dreams and reality. Follow these suggestions daily. Take it gradually at first. Don’t reach for gimmicky or drastic solutions; just stick to the basics and you’ll get results, especially over time. Remember that the key is consistency, not perfection.
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