Tag: Sexual Performance

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What Exactly Is Vanilla Sex?

— Sex Experts Share Their Takes And Debunk The Biggest Myths

“Vanilla is a delicious flavor.”

By Sabrina Talbert

When you hear the words “vanilla sex,” what do you think? What kinds of adjectives come to mind? If you’re like many people, you might have a generalized or inaccurate perception of what vanilla looks like: Some people assume it’s uninteresting, boring, or only practiced by people of certain age groups, but that’s far from the truth. No matter what social media or TV shows have taught you about vanilla sex, the term actually has a straightforward, useful meaning—and no, it’s not meant to shame people who aren’t particularly kinky.

The word “vanilla” is used in the kink community as a way to distinguish stereotypical sex from kinky, fetishistic, or BDSM environments, says Sarah Melancon, PhD, a sociologist, sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com. Having this term is important because it helps differentiate what sex looks like to different people, she explains.

“People [who practice vanilla sex] don’t really call it vanilla sex, they’re calling it sex. They don’t need to designate it, because it’s just what sex is to them,” says Melancon. And, BTW, there’s nothing wrong with that. There are even a few benefits to vanilla sex, but more on that in a moment.

Ahead, experts share insight on what it really means to be vanilla, its benefits, and common misconceptions about this kind of sex.

Meet the Experts:
Sarah Melancon, PhD, is a sociologist, sexologist, and sexuality and relationships expert for SexToyCollective.com.

Gigi Engle is a sex and intimacy expert for 3Fun.

Gloria Brame, PhD, is a sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of Different Loving Too: Real People, Real Lives, Real BDSM.

The definition of vanilla sex can be subjective, but broadly speaking, it’s anything that falls under the umbrella of “normative” sex. “Some people define it as just PIV [penis-in-vagina] intercourse, but most people would expand that to include oral sex as well,” says Gigi Engle, a sex and intimacy expert for 3Fun. “It’s your standard sex, essentially.”

Why “vanilla,” though? ” Etymologists have struggled with its origin, but despite the wrangling, most sex historians agree that the kink world circa 1970s gets the credit for using ‘vanilla’ to refer to conventional sex,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, a sex therapist, board-certified sexologist, and author of Different Loving Too: Real People, Real Lives, Real BDSM.

In the ’70s, flavors like vanilla were used because it was an easy way of explaining how everyone likes different things—not just in the bedroom, but in life. Using a food with many variations, such as ice cream, was easier for people to understand. “By the 1980s,” adds Brame, “the term took hold throughout the rapidly-growing BDSM communities and finally reached mainstream usage.” (The more you know!)

These days, “vanilla” can also refer to what someone may or may not like in the bedroom. “[It’s] sex that isn’t kinky. So if you say you have vanilla sex, what you’re saying is ‘I’m not into kink,’ and there’s nothing wrong with that,” says Engle.

What are some misconceptions about vanilla sex?

Unfortunately, there’s a lot of unnecessary judgement surrounding the idea of vanilla sex, which can result in shame. “People will be embarrassed that they’re vanilla or they’ll say it as if it’s a bad thing,” says Engle. “But vanilla is a delicious flavor! It’s fine if that’s what you want to be.”

Below are some of the most common misconceptions, debunked.

  • It’s boring. Can sex be boring? Absolutely, but the fact that it’s vanilla isn’t what makes it that way. “Any sex that you have repeatedly can become boring. As humans, we crave novelty… changing up the routine is helpful for that,” says Engle. In short, you don’t have to engage in wild, risky, or explosive sex to have a great sex life. You can do something as simple as trying out a new position, bringing in a toy, or even switching up where you have sex.
  • It’s less evolved. Some people feel like vanilla sex is barely scraping the surface of any kind of sex at all. This idea can also stem from the judgment of others, even if the person having vanilla sex is satisfied. “For some people, it is the end point. For others, [vanilla sex] is part of an evolutionary process,” says Melancon. But whether or not vanilla is one of your go-to flavors, “it’s no less evolved than anything else,” she adds.
  • It’s not for queer people. Because of stereotypes around queer sex and the misconception that vanilla sex is just PIV intercourse, many people assume that queer couples don’t engage in vanilla sex. But because vanilla sex is just non-kinky, it’s possible to be queer and prefer vanilla sex, says Engle. “A lot of queer people have basic, queer sex, and it might not even be inclusive of sex toys,” she explains.
  • It’s not pleasurable. Because a lot of people define vanilla sex as straightforward PIV intercourse, there’s a misconception that, within cis-heterosexual dynamics, vanilla sex is less pleasurable for women. But in fact, women are more likely to orgasm during sex when they receive oral, try new sex positions, and engage in deep kissing, according to a 2017 study from Archives of Sexual Behavior—all of which can be incorporated into vanilla sex (and often are).On the flip side, there’s also a widespread idea that men don’t find vanilla sex enjoyable since it might not live up to the performative standards set in porn. This isn’t true: In fact, a lot of the sex highlighted in porn could still be considered vanilla, notes Engle. “Vanilla sex doesn’t always mean passionate and loving. It can still be rough sex and be considered vanilla,” she says.

Ultimately, people of all genders can enjoy and get off from vanilla sex. “Good sex is subjective,” Engle says. “It really depends on the people who are having it and the things they like to do.”

What are the benefits of vanilla sex?

No matter what kind of sex you’re having, the most important thing is that it’s enjoyable. But, if you haven’t had a lot of vanilla sex, there are some possible benefits to giving it a try.

Just the simplicity of engaging in vanilla sex can be an approach to mindfulness in the bedroom, Melancon says. “It’s just you enjoying your ability to feel sexual sensations and enjoying an experience. So I think it can be really intimate,” she adds. “It can help us be more present and feel a different level of connection.”

It may allow people to engage their senses more, says Melancon. For example, you may be able to zone in on the sound of your partner breathing, the scent of their body, or the taste of their mouth.

If you prefer to engage in kinkier sex (which, no shame!), having some vanilla experiences can still help your sex life. “Couples who are very into kink sometimes don’t have time for everything, so it can be beneficial to keep your sexual relationship alive to also have vanilla sex involved,” says Engle. This may also be the case for those with kids or busy lifestyles.

What if my partner and I aren’t on the same page about vanilla sex?

So, one of you prefers vanilla sex and the other is kinkier—while it might seem daunting to address these differences, this is where compromise comes into play. To start, know that sexual compatibility is important. And while people are often told to stick things out when there’s an incompatibility, it’s not something you have to tolerate long-term. “Not being on the same page [sexually] is a legitimate reason to end a relationship,” says Engle. “It’s totally okay to end a relationship if it comes to that, and you can’t find a compromise.”

The good news, though, is that it’s possible to compromise in a way that leaves all parties happy and satisfied, according to Engle and Melancon. As long as there’s a good degree of overlap in sexual interests and kinks, successful compromise is possible, says Melancon. Being honest with yourself about what you do and don’t like will also help you communicate your sexual desires and boundaries better with your partner.

If you’re not sure how to explore your interests outside of the bedroom with your partner, Engle suggests finding a “yes, no, maybe” list online and taking time to go through what might be on or off the table.

You should also be mindful of when and how you bring up sexual incompatibilities with your partner. “It’s all about timing, tone, and turf,” says Engle. “You want to make sure you’re in a neutral place—not in the bedroom, not in the middle of the work day. Set time aside, sit down in the living room where it’s neutral, and come to the conversation with a really open mind.”

When it’s time to start the conversation, Engle notes that getting your partner’s consent is essential. This can sound like, for example, “Hey babe, sex is important to me and our relationship, and I really want to explore this with you. Are you in a place where you’d be open to having that conversation?” From there, you can exchange interests and work on a compromise together.

So, is there anything wrong with vanilla sex?

No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with vanilla sex. Vanilla sex can be just as rich, intimate, pleasurable, and fulfilling as any other sex. Whether you’re into kink or vanilla, it’s all of equal value, so long as consent and respect are part of the foundation.

“[In a] sex-positive world, we want to be so accepting of everyone. But in the process of that, it can make normative sex look boring or uninteresting,” says Melancon. “There are [many] ‘flavors,’ so to speak… It doesn’t mean that anyone is less than.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Emily Morse Wants You to Think Seriously About an Open Relationship

By David Marchese

For nearly 20 years, Emily Morse has been publicly talking with people about sex. She has done it in intimate, small-group conversations with friends; she has done it on radio and TV and social media; and the sex therapist has done it, most prominently, on her popular “Sex With Emily” podcast. A lot of what she has talked about over the years hasn’t changed: People want to discuss why they’re not having orgasms or their insecurities about penis size or their changing libido. But lately she has noticed something different: There’s a growing desire for more information about open sexual relationships. Indeed, Morse was already late in submitting a draft to her publisher of her new book, “Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure,” when she decided that she needed to add a section on nonmonogamy because she kept being asked about it. “People are realizing,” says Morse, who is 53, “that monogamy isn’t a one-size-fits-all model.”

Why do you think so many people are curious about nonmonogamy these days? People are in therapy more, taking care of themselves and thinking more deeply about their relationships. Now that’s part of the conversation; therapy is no longer stigmatized. That has been a big switch, and when couples get into their feelings and emotional intelligence, they’re realizing: We can love each other and be together, and we can create a relationship on our own terms that works for us. If you are in a long-term committed relationship, it can be exciting to experience sex in a new way that is equitable, consensual and pleasurable but doesn’t take away from the union of marriage.

A term I hear a lot now is “ethical nonmonogamy.”1

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Broadly, it’s the practice of being romantically or sexually involved with multiple people who are all aware of and give consent to the arrangement.

My sense is that some couples experiment with that because one-half of a relationship feels that things have to open up or the relationship isn’t going to last. But in a situation like that, how ethical is the ethical nonmonogamy? That’s coercion. That’s manipulation. If you say to your partner, “We have to open up, or I’m leaving you” — I don’t feel great about the future of those couples. I can say that there usually is one partner who starts the nonmonogamy conversation. They might say, “I’ve been thinking about it, and our friends are doing it, and what would you think about being open?” They’ll talk about what it might look like and how they would navigate and negotiate it. But if one partner is like, “We should open up,” and the other is like, “I’m shut down to that; it doesn’t work for me,” and then the partner brings it up again and again and the answer is still “No,” then it won’t work. For a majority of people, their first thought is, I never want to hear about my partner having sex with somebody else; that is my biggest nightmare. That’s where most people are. So for nonmonogamy to work, you need to be self-aware and have self-knowledge about your sexual desires and do some work. Maybe we’ll talk to our friends who we know are into it. Maybe we’ll listen to a podcast about it. Maybe we’ll go to therapy. Maybe we’ll take baby steps and go to a play party.2

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A party where people are free to engage in public sex or kinky behaviors.

But to do it to spice up your relationship is not the reason to do it. Do it because you’re open and curious and understand that your desire for pleasure extends beyond your relationship.

In the book, you say nonmonogamy is not a way to fix a relationship. Why not? The people in successful ethical nonmonogamous relationships have a very healthy relationship to their own sex life and their own intimacy, their own desires. People who are like, Yeah, let’s go find someone else to have sex with, to spice it up — usually those couples don’t have a deeper understanding of their own sex life and what they want from a partner. Another version of that is, “Let’s have a baby!” These drastic things that people do to make their relationship more interesting or to distract themselves from problems usually don’t work. Couples who are successful have rigorous honesty and a deeper knowledge of their own sexual wants and desires.

Emily Morse hosting Gwyneth Paltrow on her “Sex With Emily” podcast in 2021.

What about couples who stay together because their sex life is great but the rest of their relationship is bad? People who have great sex but they can’t stand each other? I think that’s rare. If they’re not connected in other areas and the sex is what’s carrying them, I would want to sit with that couple and find out more. Maybe the relationship is better than they think. But listen, people get to decide what works for them. To me, the most satisfying pleasurable sex is when you have trust and depth and openness and intimacy and communication. If you loathe your partner outside the bedroom? I don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum; I’m sure that situation exists, but I don’t hear about it often.

It’s funny to hear you say you don’t want to yuck anyone’s yum, because in my life — If that’s you, David, in your relationship, that’s awesome! I’m so glad for you and your partner.

No, no. What I was going to say was that I use that phrase with my kids. One will say to the other, “Why are you eating that Jell-O?” or whatever, and I’ll say, “Don’t yuck their yum.” It’s a very different context! Well, that’s a big sex thing, too: You never want to yuck your partner’s yum. This is what comes up with fantasies and arousal and desire. If your partner tells you they want to use a sex toy, and you’re like, “Ew,” it’s hard to recover from that. So don’t yuck the yum if you don’t like Jell-O and if you don’t like anal sex.

You said a second ago that the best sex is about communication and depth and so on, which goes along with ideas in your book about what you call the five pillars of sex IQ,3

3
Which are embodiment (meaning awareness of your self in your own body), health, collaboration (relating to and working with your sexual partners), self-knowledge and self-acceptance.

which are basically all things that also go into being a balanced, healthy person. Obviously sex ties into one’s overall sense of self and well-being, but is there any way in which making it as central as you do also makes it more daunting? Or sets people up for disappointment? Because maybe sometimes sex is just OK, or sometimes it’s disappointing, or sometimes it’s great. Does it always have to be a referendum on one’s holistic well-being? I want people to think deeply about sex, to prioritize sex, to be intentional about sex and to think about it differently than just, I’m going to close my eyes in the dark and hope it works out. The problem is that most people compartmentalize sex. It’s shrouded in mystery. Since it’s so mysterious, people don’t want to talk about it, and they don’t have a lot of information — there’s a lot of misinformation. People are surprised every day to learn that maybe they can’t get an erection because they haven’t been working out or because of the food they’re eating. We don’t want to talk about sex unless we get a quick fix. For many years, I was like: Here’s the vibrator! Here’s the sex position! Here’s a quick-fix tip! Tips are great, but because sex becomes such a problem in relationships, I want to give people the tools to say: “I wonder if it’s a problem because I haven’t communicated with my partner lately. Maybe that’s how I can have better sex tonight.” So understanding all the elements to it might help you have more satisfaction. Once people realize this is foundational work that’s going to help you for a lifetime, once it becomes more integrated, it’ll help everybody have more freeing, satisfying sex

What are examples of misinformation about sex? That the most pleasure comes from penetration; that men want sex more than women; that men don’t fake orgasms; that desire stays the same in long-term relationships; if there isn’t desire, it means your relationship should end; that if you don’t have penetrative sex, you’re not really having sex. There’s so many of them, and every day I get hundreds of questions from people who you would think would know better. I have friends who have three children, educated, who are like, “Is the g-spot thing real?”

Can I ask about the ring you’re wearing?

4
It was quite a large ring.

I realize it looks like a vulva.

It does. It’s a vintage ring. At the time I got it, I literally didn’t realize what it looked like until the next day. [Laughs.] But now it’s my magic vulva ring!

What’s the most far-out thing that everyone should be doing? And I don’t mean far-out as in kinkiest. I mean what’s the thing that people are prudish about but need to get over? I think it’s important to masturbate. Solo sex is a great way to understand your body, what feels good. Healthy masturbation is good for people of all ages, in and out of relationships — when you are intentional about it and it makes you feel good, not bad. You don’t want to have shame after. You want to be accepting of your body, feel more in touch with yourself, feel your sexual energy. You can start to understand what turns you on. You know and accept your genitals for how they are today, and you do it without consequences.

Emily Morse at the Macworld exposition in San Francisco in 2007.

On the subject of masturbation: In the book you write about this technique of “Meditate, masturbate” — remind me of the third one? Manifest.

Right. So the idea is that I’m supposed to meditate. Then once I’m in the right head space, I can start masturbating. And at the moment of climax, if I think about the thing I want to happen in my life — “I hope I get that raise!” — then it’s more likely to happen? Yeah. I mean, manifestation is the science behind the law of attraction and all the things you think about when you are in a heightened state. So when you’re meditating, which, I don’t know if you meditate.

I do two out of the three M’s. Two out of three! You’re good! So you meditate for a few minutes, you get in the zone, then you masturbate, and at the height of orgasm, when your sexual energy is at a peak level and you’re at a clear state to transmute whatever you believe into the universe — it’s very potent, clear energy at that moment to think about and feel what it is that you want. It could be about a raise. It could be about a better day. I feel like this is so woo. I’m from California! [Laughs.] But at that moment of your orgasm, if in that moment you can feel what you want, picture it, it has powerful resonance.

But that’s magic. Magic is not real. [Expletive.] I know. I wish I could explain this better to you, the science behind it, but a lot of people have had a lot of success with this feeling. I just think that meditate, masturbate, manifest is basically a way of using your creative energy to fuel your intentions in the moment of pleasure.

What are you working on in your sex life right now? I’m always working on my sex. Research is me-search, as I say. I’m working on staying connected. I love to slow down sex and take time to experience one-way touch.

5
Which in this context means when only one of the partners is offering touch without the expectation that the other will reciprocate.

So having a night where it’s more about giving and receiving. Expanding connection and understanding what feels good is something I’m always working on.

Just to go back to the five pillars of sex IQ: It seems self-evident that if you get healthier, become more self-aware, collaborate more honestly and openly, and if you’re more comfortable in your own body and you accept yourself, you’re more likely to have better sex. So what is your unique insight there? That’s a great question, because, yeah, those are the five pillars for a better life. But if you have a better sex life, you have a better life. So my thing is that you need to take a more holistic approach to your sex life. People don’t realize that all of those things matter. I don’t think these are so groundbreaking. It’s more applying them to sex on a daily basis. What I’m hearing you say is, Don’t people know this? They don’t.

You’re a doctor of human sexuality. I don’t mean this in a glib way at all, but what is that? So, 20 years ago when I was starting this career — and I know the school isn’t there anymore. It’s a whole thing. But I’m fully open about this. I wanted to go back to school and get a degree in human sexuality. In 2003 when I started looking, there weren’t really many places to go, and I wanted to learn more about sex and education. One school was in San Francisco, called the Institute for the Advanced Study of Human Sexuality.6

6
The institute operated from the mid-1970s to 2018. In 2017, California’s Bureau for Private Postsecondary Education denied its renewal application to continue operating educational programs. In its decision, the bureau did note that the institute’s faculty and graduates “have produced a well-respected body of research and scholarship.”

A few people I admired highly recommended this school to me. So I did that for three years: an intensive program of learning everything about human sexuality and writing papers and reading everything about sex. That’s where everyone at the time in this space was going to school. Now I think there are other programs. There are some places popping up that I think are a bit better, but not a ton. It’s kind of a newer path.

My understanding is that the school didn’t meet California’s standards for private higher education. I know. This is my nightmare. But you can write about this if you want. Here’s the thing: It was run for like 40, 50 years, but it didn’t meet the criteria to be accredited, which is not fun. I haven’t really been following it. But then I went and got other degrees — in somatic sex therapy, and I’ve taken other things.

Do you think people assume that you’re a medical doctor? I hope not. I always make it clear. I don’t want people to think I’m a medical doctor. Then people think I’m a Ph.D. — not at all. I think after 20 years I’ve been doing this, people know that I’m not a medical doctor. I know putting “Dr. Emily” in the book might have been misleading, but I do say that I’m a doctor of human sexuality, which I understand might not be as well known.

I was interested in your ideas in the book about “core desires”

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The term came to Morse from the sex educators Celeste Hirschman and Danielle Harel. She defines it as “the specific feeling you want to experience during sex.” That could be feelings like power or humiliation, not merely arousal.

and how they shape our sexuality. Do you mind if I ask what your core desire is? I think to be nurtured, to be seen — loved, cared for, nourished and sometimes ravished. Twenty years ago, I was nervous around sex, disassociated. I was much more in my head and much more about my partner’s pleasure, and if they got off, that meant it was a success and a good time. I knew nothing about my body, my clitoris. I’m a totally different person. Growing up, maybe I wasn’t in an environment — divorced parents and life was hectic. I don’t think I felt as nurtured as I needed to feel. People have really intense core desires. I want to give permission to people to find out what they need, release any shame around it, express it to your partner and then see how that goes. Hopefully it goes well.

What’s the wisest thing someone ever said to you about sex? David, you with the good questions! I don’t remember who said it to me, but: “Sex isn’t just about sex.” It’s about so many other things. Sex is about your entire life. Sex is about energy, intimacy and connection. Oh, also: “Go five times slower.” That is a great sex tip!

This interview has been edited and condensed for clarity from two conversations.

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How to Have a ‘Sexual State of the Union’

— In her new book, the sex educator Emily Morse argues that every couple should have a frank conversation — ideally, once a month.

By Catherine Pearson

Work, kids, health — countless factors can get in the way of good sex. But Emily Morse, a sex educator, believes one roadblock tends to loom larger than the others.

“Most of the sexual problems in our relationships have nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with communication,” Ms. Morse writes in her new book, “Smart Sex.”

Addressing intimacy isn’t always easy, she acknowledged: “Conversations around sex are not normalized at all.” But Ms. Morse’s raison d’être across her various platforms is to encourage people to talk openly about sex — to identify what they want, and to learn how to say it.

She has a long-running podcast, “Sex With Emily,” and more than 500,000 followers on Instagram, where she explores a variety of topics, from the best sex toys to confidence in the bedroom. A 2021 article in The New York Times likened Ms. Morse, who studied at the now-defunct Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, to the iconic Dr. Ruth.

In “Smart Sex,” she breaks down her rallying cry about communication into a handful of specific sex talks she believes are useful for couples to have. Among them is the “sexual state of the union” — a monthly check-in to help determine what’s working, what’s not and where things are headed next.

The Times talked to Ms. Morse about some strategies from her new book that she believes can help couples have an effective sexual state of the union, and why she thinks it is worthwhile — even if the idea makes you or your partner cringe.

1. Keep it brief.

A successful sexual state of the union shouldn’t last more than 10 minutes or so, Ms. Morse said. She believes that it can be helpful for couples to think about it as preventive care.

“You’re planting the seeds for the sex life to come,” she explained. “You’re going to learn: What worked? What didn’t work? And then how can we improve going forward?”

Ms. Morse recommends having the talk once a month (scheduled or more spontaneous, depending on the couple), though that frequency isn’t dictated by research. It’s based on her hunch that once a month feels manageable even when life is busy, and that it offers people enough time and space to do a bit of reflecting on what has been happening in their sex lives.

2. Expect it to be awkward.

Ms. Morse is adamant that good sex doesn’t just happen. Nor does talking about it somehow rob it of its “magic” — even if the resulting conversations are uncomfortable, or down right clumsy.

It can help to openly acknowledge any discomfort you might feel, she said. “In the moment, you can tell your partner: ‘Look, I know that this is new for us, but I want us to have a growth mind-set around our sexual connection,’” Ms. Morse said, noting her firm belief that vulnerability is essential for true intimacy.

“If it feels unsexy because you’re both nervous, that’s OK,” she added. “This isn’t, like, a foreplay exercise.”

Or consider other options, such as: “What can I do more of to make sex satisfying for you?” Or: “May I share something I’d like more of during sex?”

“What are you enjoying about our sex life right now?” is another option, although Ms. Morse acknowledges that is probably not a great conversation starter for those in the midst of a sexual drought, for instance.

In an ideal world, couples would get in the habit of having a regular sexual state of the union early in their relationship, Ms. Morse said, though she does believe it is a muscle that can be developed with practice — whether you have been together for “10 months or 10 years,” or beyond.

But if those sorts of questions feel impossible to ask, or if your partner is utterly unwilling to answer them, that’s a sign you may benefit from sex therapy, she said.

4. Pay attention to timing, tone and turf.

Often, when you talk about sex is as important as the actual words you use, Ms. Morse says. So make sure neither of you is hungry, angry, lonely or tired, or HALT, as you set out to discuss sex, she said. Doing so makes you and your partner less likely to be reactive or defensive.

And strive for a tone that is curious, compassionate and open, she said.

“A lot of us, when we have these intense conversations, our tone gets defensive — though we don’t mean it to be,” Ms. Morse said.

She insists conversations about sex should take place outside the bedroom, which she argues should be a sanctuary for sleep and sex — and nothing else. It may help to bring it up during an outdoor stroll, she said. You and your partner can both take a few deep breaths, and do not necessarily have to hold eye contact.

“I want people to remember that the sexual state of the union is not criticism,” Ms. Morse said. “It’s an opportunity to collaborate.”

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‘Between pleasure and health’

— How sex-tech firms are reinventing the vibrator

British firm MysteryVibe’s original vibrator was designed to alleviate pain in the vagina.

A new wave of sex toys is designed to combine orgasmic joy with relief from dryness, tension and pain

By

At first glance, it could be mistaken for a chunky bracelet or hi-tech fitness tracker. But the vibrations delivered by this device will not alert you to a new message or that you have hit your daily step goal. Neither are they strictly intended for your wrist.

Welcome to the future of vibrators, designed not only for sexual pleasure, but to tackle medical problems such as vaginal dryness, or a painful and inflamed prostate gland in men.

“The current standard of care if you go to a therapist, gynaecologist or urologist, is they will insert one or two fingers to reach the painful areas and massage them to alleviate the pain,” said Soumyadip Rakshit, CEO and co-founder of sex-tech company MysteryVibe.

“We bring together the best of biomedical engineering to recreate what currently works, so people can access these therapies easily, discreetly and cost effectively.”

MysteryVibe is not the only company that is striving to alter our relationship with sex toys. A “smart vibrator” developed by the US-based startup Lioness contains sensors that measure women’s pelvic floor movements, allowing them to track how their arousal and orgasms may be changing over time or in response to stress or alcohol. An “erection ring” developed by US company FirmTech claims to enhance men’s performance while tracking the duration and turgidity of their erections and the number of nocturnal episodes they experience – an indicator of cardiovascular health.

Dr Rakshit in the lab. MysteryVibe is funding research to back up their scientific claims.

“There are a number of different products that are now sort of skirting the line between pleasure and health,” said Dr Rachel Rubin, a urologist and sexual medicine specialist based in Washington DC. “These companies today are focusing on [pelvic] anatomy and physiology, and using what we know to try to enhance pleasure, joy, intimacy and fun.”

MysteryVibe’s laboratory – the only facility conducting vibrator research and development within the UK – is incongruously housed in a former dairy in a rural business park near Guildford, Surrey. The first clue that this is no standard office unit is an issue of Playboy tucked behind a magazine about technology startups. Then I spot a tray of wand-shaped mechanical devices, in various states of undress, their bright components resembling children’s Duplo blocks.

These are stripped-back Crescendo vibrators, MysteryVibe’s original product, which was designed to target and release tender areas inside the vagina and alleviate pelvic pain, for example in women whose pelvic floor muscles have been damaged as a result of childbirth.

“The simple answer to pelvic pain is physiotherapy. But most mums either are unaware of this, or don’t have the time and/or money to pay for it,” Soumyadip said.

Registered as medical devices, and marketed at scientific conferences, such products are a far cry from the oversized dildos traditionally stocked by sex shops. MysteryVibe is even funding research to back up their scientific claims. Preliminary results from a small trial involving 11 women with genito-pelvic pain or penetration disorder – where the muscles around the vagina contract whenever an attempt is made to penetrate – suggested that using the Crescendo device three times a week for 12 weeks resulted in significant improvement.

Larger randomised trials are needed. But other scientific evidence supports the use of vibrators in various female health conditions too. According to a recent review by Dr Alexandra Dubinskaya, a urologist at Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, and colleagues, they can improve pelvic floor muscle function, facilitate the treatment of vulvar pain and enhance women’s sexual experiences.

“We know that vibration causes vasodilation, meaning the vessels that bring blood to the organs get wider and can bring more blood. It also promotes neuromodulation, meaning it can retrain the nerves – especially those nerves responsible for pain perception,” Dubinskaya said.

Such products are also finding favour with pelvic health physiotherapists such as Katlyn Nasseri at Rush University Medical Center in Chicago, US. She said that people experience pelvic pain due to overactive muscles, stress, anxiety, conditions such as endometriosis and polycystic ovary syndrome, and childbirth injuries.

Trauma or inflammation can cause the pelvic floor muscles to become overly toned, resulting in pain. Nasseri likens using a vibrator to using a massage gun to relieve stiff muscles elsewhere in the body: “Vibration is great for muscles; it helps them to relax really well. The same principle applies to the muscles of the pelvis.”

MysteryVibe’s latest products, scheduled for release later this year, are a vulval vibrator for women experiencing vaginal dryness and/or low libido, and a prostate vibrator designed to be inserted into the anus to relieve pain in men with inflamed prostate glands.

The MysteryVibe lab is the only place conducting vibrator research and development in the UK.

“The three common things that happen to men are that the prostate becomes larger as they become older, or it gets a cancer, and the third is prostatitis – inflammation, pain or infection in the prostate gland. Of these, perhaps the most difficult to treat is prostatitis,” said Prokar Dasgupta, a professor of urology and MysteryVibe’s medical director.

“One of the treatments is regularly massaging the prostate. This allows the congealed secretions inside the prostate that are the cause of the problem to come out. Rather than a urologist doing this manually, it can be done by the patient themselves using this device.”

Men also have pelvic floor muscles and can hold tension in them, just like women, said Rubin: “This can cause symptoms such as urinary frequency or urgency, pain with ejaculation, erectile dysfunction or premature or delayed orgasm.

“In addition, the prostate is very rich with nerves and pleasure spots that can really aid in orgasm and arousal.”

MysteryVibe’s vulval vibrator is designed to sit outside the body, can be moulded to a woman’s physiological dimensions, and can even be worn during intercourse. Whether it actually counters menopause-related dryness or reduced libido is as yet unproven, but menopause expert Dr Shahzadi Harper of The Harper Clinic in London suspects it might.

“We often say use it or lose it, but when you’re feeling tired, when your hormones change, when you’ve got so many other things going on, sex can slip down the sort of priority list. This is a nice gentle way to get confidence back in your body, reignite those nerve endings and boost blood flow to the clitoris and pelvic area, which stimulates the cells that help with lubrication.”

Dr Paula Briggs, chair elect of the British Menopause Society and a consultant in sexual and reproductive health at Liverpool Women’s NHS Foundation Trust, said that a vulval vibrator could stimulate collagen-producing cells in the vaginal wall to become active again, reversing some of the thinning that occurs following menopause. Although regular sex can achieve a similar thing, “the difference with a vibrator is that the woman is in control”.

She now advises patients to experiment with a small, tapered vibrator because penetration can be difficult, and often very painful, for such women. Briggs cautioned that vibrator use alone was unlikely to combat vaginal dryness in women whose arousal issues stem from psychological causes, including physical or emotional trauma or stress.

Kate Walsh, physiotherapy lead at Liverpool Women’s Hospital, agreed. Combined with other techniques such as mindfulness and breathing exercises, a vibrator can help women to “reprogram” the way their bodies process sensation, helping to make sex pleasurable again.

“Women will come in with all sorts of gadgets and gizmos that they’ve spent money on, but if they don’t understand the context of why they’re doing this, it is unlikely to work,” she said.

“I’m not saying that someone who is struggling with pain or arousal needs to jump straight into psychosexual counselling, but they’ve got to understand that what’s feeding it isn’t always just a physical thing – the physical and psychological interact.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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As a disabled person, kink can feel empowering, subversive and even therapeutic

“Being unapologetically myself is radical, and an act of self-love.”

By Evan Johnson

You may not expect me, as a disabled person, to be interested in the world of leather and rope.

But, as an advocate for sex positivity, I’m here to tell you disabled people can be asexual or hypersexual, vanilla or kinky — and everything in between.

Disabled people experience the same full spectrum of desire

People are interested in kinks and fetishes — which can be broadly defined as all non-conventional acts of intimacy between consenting adults, often with a sexual connotation but not always — for a variety of reasons.

For me, I’ve found kinks provide a therapeutic effect that I can’t seem to find elsewhere. I feel connected to my body and empowered.

Sexual freedom and empowerment are positive forces for anyone, but especially in those who are desexualised and infantilised — as is so often the case with the disabled community.

As a disabled kinkster, I subvert expectations and embody roles you may not expect from someone like me, which I find powerful.

Being unapologetically myself in my identities as a kinky disabled person is radical, and an act of self-love.

As a more dominant person, I find flipping the script of “the weak disabled person who needs help and saving” to be important.

Being in the dominant position of more mobility and less pain by comparison to a partner is empowering, as I am not in this position in daily life.

And, of course, this goes for submission too. It can be empowering to be experiencing pain and mobility restriction consensually, rather than your “normal ongoing symptoms”.

I like to think of kink as a tool for pain management. If you’re so focused on receiving a different type of pain elsewhere on your body, or giving that to someone else, it’s like your “regular pains” become background noise, as researchers have explored.

Embracing the somatic experiences of letting go, being vulnerable and trusting in your body can feel healing — especially when you don’t feel so connected to your physical body.

The unexpected benefits I’ve found

It’s important to note that there’s a clear distinction between mutually consensual kink, and objectifying people without their consent.

Fetishisation of disabled people is a real issue that can be destructive for the disability community – and as with all sex acts, it’s important fetishes are only acted upon with the enthusiastic consent of those involved. (Also, kinks aren’t for everyone. And if they’re not your thing, that’s perfectly fine!)

But, personally, I’ve found kink can also be a whole-body somatic experience. Pleasure does not have to be limited to the genitals. This may be particularly important to those with certain disabilities where sensation and other factors may be altered.

Evan smiling wearing a rainbow tee and beanie while sitting in a wheelchair
“Ultimately, living with disability doesn’t have to define who you are and what you can be interested in.”

I’ve also found a sense of community through kink, learning firsthand that online or in-person communities can be a great source of information, advice and friendships.

I would not be where I am today — as a proud, disabled, sex positivity advocate — if it weren’t for the amazing people I’ve met in local Adelaide leather and fetish groups.

Communicate thoroughly, and other golden rules

For those curious about exploring the world of kinks, a good starting point is to read or watch content around consent and what you’re interested in, with a focus on safety and harm reduction.

A golden rule is: remember to start gently and communicate thoroughly with all involved.

Living with disability often means we must go about things in different ways — and luckily, there’s a wide variety of aids and toys that can help you engage in what interests you.

From positioning aids like sex swings and wedges, to long-handled toys and hands-free devices, there are infinite ways to ensure that no matter what your ability is, you can still have sex that is meaningful to you.

Ultimately, living with disability doesn’t have to define who you are and what you can be interested in.

Whether kinks interest you or not, I hope your experience of sexuality is empowering and a pleasurable experience for you.

You deserve it — no matter what your abilities are.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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When the Sex Is Good

— Ways to Avoid Unsatisfying Sex

It’s time we all elevated our sex lives to the next level.

By Ally Sweeten

You’re about to have a sexual encounter. All the elements seem to be in place, and you have high hopes. But in its aftermath, you may be forced to face an unfortunate reality.

The sex simply wasn’t very good.

Shuffling away and feeling unsatisfied or perhaps put off entirely, you can’t help but wonder how things could have gone wrong. You want to get to when the sex is good.

It’s 2023 and sex is everywhere—in advice columns, social media and woven into every aspect of our daily lives. There’s a good chance you’ll find overt or covert sexual tones in almost anything and everything. Yet despite this vast pool of information at our fingertips, people continue to have “bad” sex.

How is it possible?

Attitudes about sex over time

Over the years, societal perspectives on quality sex have undergone major generational shifts. What would have been acceptable to our grandparents may not be the case today, as society has shifted its priorities.

“Outdated beliefs would have looked at sex as a marital obligation, which does not consider pleasure and assumes sex to be more of a perfunctory role. This also continues patriarchal beliefs, which are changing,” said Lauren Muratore, an accredited sexologist and the director of Integrated Sex+Relationship Therapy in Melbourne, Australia. “A good sexual experience is also slowly shedding the social, religious, gender and media constructs that influence how people feel about their sexuality.”

She added that there is currently momentum provided by a sex-positive movement in which people are ultimately given the ability to have sex in a consenting, safe, healthy, pleasurable way whenever they feel like it. That consent education is a major shift in itself.

“What pleasure looks like can change each sexual experience; therefore, assuming consent regardless of how long you have known someone is not helpful,” she said. “Consent is sexy and having a voice to communicate sexual pleasure brings greater satisfaction.”

People need to create a safe place where all topics around sex can be exchanged positively and respectfully, according to Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and CEO/co-founder of the sexual wellness and intimate products website Bloomi.

“It’s crucial to ask for and obtain consent from your partner(s) in any sexual relationship or encounter,” she said. “Your body and sexuality belong only to you and no one else.”

Furthermore, she noted that the focus is shifting from orgasming to the giving and receiving of intimate moments and pleasure, without the pressure of reaching a climax. She believes there’s no such thing as “bad” sex because problems can be fixed with mutual communication and understanding.

Plus, there may be extenuating circumstances making sex insufficient, which have nothing to do with the actual act, such as stress, prior experiences, and cultural or religious conditioning.

“As such, ‘bad’ sex can be all situations where individuals aren’t receiving emotional or physical satisfaction, where one partner is selfish, and where there is no connection or compatibility between partners,” she explained.

Conversely, Muratore cautioned against seeing “good” sex as a one-size-fits-all approach. The spectrum of sexuality, including asexuality, is relevant.

‘Good’ and ‘bad’ sex today

Our access to sexual content has exploded, but it’s not enough to completely eradicate unsatisfying sex. A survey carried out in 2021 by OnePoll revealed 1 in 5 Americans have experienced more than 10 awful sexual encounters, and 2 in 5 have gone as far as to stop in the middle because the experience was so unpleasant. Established couples weren’t immune, either: half admitted their current partner was the worst sexual partner they’d had.

The quantity of information is part of the problem. It can be so overwhelming that people opt out of reading at all, said Debbie Rivers, a relationship coach in Australia. Instead, they learn from porn, which Rivers said is far from realistic and can warp their views on sex, particularly for men.

“Reading information is quite different from experiencing it, and people often don’t know what they don’t know, especially if they have never experienced what good sex actually is,” she said.

Acknowledging gender disparities is important, as well, as sexual encounters vary for each.

“Often, we think that people see and experience the world as we do, and that isn’t true here,” Rivers explained. “We project how we are onto other people.”

Story pointed to the changing goals of sex.

“Nowadays, sex is seen as a critical element of broader wellness and well-being, and essential for a person’s mental, emotional and physical health,” she said.

Rivers and Story agreed that the pros of a healthy sex life can:

  • Improve connections to others and lead to more intimate relationships
  • Improve self-confidence and willingness to try new sexual activities
  • Increase romantic gestures (gifts, dates, vacations, displays of affection and telling each other “I love you”)
  • Improve your immune system and lower blood pressure
  • Reduce stress, anxiety and depression

With all those benefits, finding out why you aren’t enjoying sex is worth investigating. One way to do this is through masturbation and self-exploration.

Taking the time to become familiar with your body provides a no-pressure atmosphere to discover likes and dislikes, which you can then relay to your partner. Further, self-pleasure can lead to higher self-esteem and increased libido, Story said.

Talk dirty to me

Experts noted that the process of transforming “bad” sex into “good” sex relies on interpersonal communication with your partner. The degree to which couples are comfortable sharing is subjective, and it’s never OK to assume your partner is agreeable to divulging information.

For example, Rivers wondered how you might feel if you discovered your partner was telling their friends how bad you were in bed. The odds are your reaction might be less than stellar.

“The one person that you should be talking to is your partner, as they are the only ones with the ability to change the situation. Sometimes, it can be easier to be naked than to be emotionally vulnerable,” she said.

Discuss your values and boundaries and avoid comparing yourself to others.

“Every couple has a different sex life with a different meaning, a different script and a different frequency,” Muratore explained. “Once you start comparing yourself to those around you, people often feel inadequate and it sets up false expectations for your own relationship. If you want to share how you feel, speak to a friend who can listen to your feelings with empathy, without expectations that they’ll solve your problems.”

If you feel sexually unfulfilled, speak up. Muratore, Rivers and Story all recommended waiting for the right time—namely, not before, during or after sex—to bring up the topic.

Be open and build trust slowly. Focus on the positives, such as what you like, want more of or want to try. This will allow your partner to be more receptive to hearing you out. Avoid absolutes—”you always” or “you never”—and accusations. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements.

Rivers also suggested giving a blame-free lighthearted sex review the following day.

The most important thing to remember is that it takes two to tango. After a sexual encounter, both of you should walk away feeling sexually gratified, so take the time to learn your partner’s likes and preferences, too.

“Sex is an important aspect of a relationship,” Muratore said. “However, each person’s sex needs to be considered.”

Story noted that it’s never too late to start having open conversations about sex with your partner.

“By sharing fantasies, likes, dislikes and expectations, you can learn about each other and create the best possible experience for all,” she said.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Let’s talk about sex

— And about asexuality, too

5 books explore why we don’t have to tolerate ‘bad sex,’ and what it means to have loving connections with no sex at all

By Julie Kliegman

Sex therapist Ruth Westheimer once said, when asked about the possibility of a “sex recession”: “Here is an activity that is free, here … is an activity that makes people happy, and what’s the matter with all of you not to engage in it?” Like Dr. Ruth’s dozens of books, most literature on the topic presumes that sexual attraction and desire do, in fact, exist in everyone, that sex is therefore a critical part of everyone’s life, and that there must be something wrong with people who don’t have it. Self-help resources like “The Joy of Sex,” mountains of Cosmopolitan tips and even the work of popular queer writers like Dan Savage focus on how to parlay that attraction and desire into satisfying, meaningful sex. There is something of a Freudian quality at play: the pervasive idea that sex is a critical part of fostering intimacy and personal attachment.

But for many, that’s not reality. “It’s almost like there’s a slow-moving unorganized sex strike of people who can’t find good partners or don’t desire relationships and are just opting out instead,” one 28-year-old tells Maria Yagoda in “Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop” (St. Martin’s, $27). Yagoda’s fresh book is the latest entry in a subgenre that seeks to illuminate why people may not be enjoying the sex they’re having or, in some cases, why they might be choosing not to have sex at all.

“Laid and Confused: Why We Tolerate Bad Sex and How to Stop” by Maria Yagoda

In “Laid and Confused,” Yagoda chronicles her quest to understand why she and Americans writ large have historically consented to unsatisfying sex. It excels as creative reportage, as Yagoda — who briefly quotes me in her book as a source on asexuality — gamely chats with sex therapists and sex toy creators alike. She keeps an open mind about improvement in her own life and offers tips to readers who may be in the same boat.

Editor and sex columnist Nona Willis Aronowitz explores similar themes in her 2022 book, “Bad Sex: Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution” (Plume, $28), a multigenerational memoir and manifesto that weaves together her own thoughts and feelings around sex and romance with those of her late mother, the feminist writer Ellen Willis. Specifically, Aronowitz recounts her marriage and divorce, including her reluctance to break up with her husband (in part) on the basis of what she considered bad sex.

“Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chen

The books of Yagoda and Aronowitz both veer far away from what is more traditionally considered “sex writing.” And three more books, all by asexual authors and published since the start of the pandemic — “Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex” by Angela Chen (Beacon, $26.95), “Refusing Compulsory Sexuality: A Black Asexual Lens on Our Sex-Obsessed Culture” by Sherronda J. Brown (North Atlantic, $17.95, paperback) and “Sounds Fake but Okay: An Asexual and Aromantic Perspective on Love, Relationships, Sex, and Pretty Much Anything Else” by Sarah Costello and Kayla Kaszyca (Jessica Kingsley, $19.95, paperback) — show that when it comes to consensual, partnered sex, voicing displeasure is slowly becoming more accepted.

In “Ace,” Chen, an acquaintance of mine in ace — short for “asexual” — circles, dives into what life is like for people who do not experience sexual attraction, but also how asexuality can be used as a framework for reevaluating all types of platonic and romantic relationships, as well as one’s sense of self. In a particularly compelling chapter, she challenges the way most people, consciously or not, arrange their lives around a hierarchy in which romantic and sexual relationships, especially marriages, are valued above all else, emotionally and legally.

Asexuality (albeit often known by other names) is not a new orientation by any stretch — in fact, evidence of people’s lack of sexual attraction goes back centuries. But in the digital era, asexuality has gained more recognition, in part because of Julie Sondra Decker’s 2014 book, “The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality” (Skyhorse, $16.99, paperback). Chen, Brown, Costello and Kaszyca all build off Decker’s resource to present a more nuanced way of thinking about sex. The proliferation of these and similar books is also a long-overdue acknowledgment by the publishing world that topics related to asexuality and the deprioritization of sex will interest asexual and allosexual readers alike.

“Bad Sex: Truth, Pleasure, and an Unfinished Revolution” by Nona Willis Aronowitz

As Brown’s title, “Refusing Compulsory Sexuality,” indicates, questioning and ultimately casting aside “compulsory sexuality” is a huge theme of their work. The term is a riff on “compulsory heterosexuality,” the idea that societal norms force a politically constructed heterosexuality on everyone from birth — those who identify as straight and those who know they don’t fit that bill. “Asexuality exists as a refusal of compulsory sexuality, in defiance of cisheteropatriarchal mandates, and as an opportunity to deeply interrogate how sexual scripts connect with and inform conceptions of gender and race,” Brown writes. Their book pays particular attention to the way Black people are cast aside or maligned in conversations about (a)sexuality, and how the very idea of sexuality in the West is interlaced with anti-Blackness and white supremacy. Most public leaders of the asexual movement are White, but there’s room aplenty within the aspec lens (aspec is short for “asexual spectrum”) to broaden our understanding of who can be ace (anyone) and who in the community faces the most oppression (Black people, especially those who are gender-nonconforming).

As Costello and Kaszyca, creators of a podcast called “Sounds Fake but Okay,” write in their conversational book of the same name, the aspec lens is in part about “decentering the romantic-sexual relationship in our broader conversations about human connection.” It considers the flaws of putting romantic and sexual attraction at the top of our collective and personal hierarchies of needs, even at the expense of biological and chosen family, platonic friendships, and self-care. The aspec lens, Costello and Kaszyca warn, can make everything seem tinged with hopelessness, but it also offers a way to see our surroundings as they can be: beyond what was dictated in sex education classes, modeled by family members or portrayed in pop culture.

By questioning why we go through the motions of sex we don’t find rewarding, we can start to demystify the grip that compulsory sexuality has over our lives. Whether or not the readers who pick up these titles are asexual, there’s a lot to be learned about the merits of taking a step back from sex to reevaluate its place on a societal — and, in many cases, a personal — pedestal.

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The rise of voluntary celibacy

— ‘Most of the sex I’ve had, I wish I hadn’t bothered’

More and more people are choosing to go without sex. And, in many cases, they’ve never been happier

By

Caitlin didn’t set out to become celibate – at least not in the beginning. Three years ago, she was coming out of an abusive relationship and wasn’t ready to meet someone else. Then Covid happened, and the lockdowns made it impossible anyway. “I thought during that time I needed space to heal and reflect on what I’d been through,” she says. Towards the end of 2020, the 23-year-old artist started therapy. “I realised if I was going to be sexually active, I needed someone who would understand my past, and where I was coming from. I don’t want to be with someone unless I know it’s committed, and I’m not in a rush to find that.”

She had been on dating apps, but found it hard to meet men who wanted a relationship, rather than just sex. “I found they would stop talking to me if I made it known I wasn’t going to hook up with them on the first date. I found a lot of men would put on a bit of an act to appear as if they wanted a relationship, then as soon as you took sex off the table while getting to know them, they disappeared. It’s tricky when a lot of dating is around hook-up culture, which I’m not interested in.”

Caitlin’s celibacy, three years in now, became intentional. She hasn’t missed sex itself, she says, and certainly not casual sex, although sometimes, “seeing people in relationships and having healthy sex lives, can make me go: ‘Why don’t I have that?’” But it has had unintentional benefits. “It’s taught me more about what I enjoy in sex, which I wasn’t expecting. I thought it was going to put me at a disadvantage, but I feel a lot more confident in my own sexuality.” While sex with someone else is out, masturbation is still in, and she says her libido has increased. “I think because exploring different things without dealing with another person has allowed me to find what I enjoy.” It has also made her more relaxed about finding a relationship (or not). “I’ve got other things to focus on. It’s if someone fits into my life rather than me needing to make room for them.”

On TikTok, voluntary or intentional celibacy has become a trend – the #celibacy hashtag has had more than 195m views – with those who practise it claiming it has improved their focus, mental health and energy. In January, it was reported that there was a 90% increase in Google searches for celibacy that month.

“This coincides with a long‑term trend among people today, in general, having less sex with fewer partners,” says Dr Justin Lehmiller, a Kinsey Institute research fellow and host of the Sex and Psychology podcast. “Humans are increasingly less sexually active, with some forgoing sex altogether.” Study after study of sexual behaviour, in different countries, show this. The last National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) in Britain found that 16% of men and 22% of women aged 16 to 74 were sexually inactive, and for most of them, it wasn’t a problem. While the authors noted the documented wellbeing benefits of a satisfying sex life, of those who had previously had sexual experience, the majority were not dissatisfied with their situation (around a third of men, and a quarter of women reported they were dissatisfied, although age had an effect, with younger people more dissatisfied than older people). The Natsal data is more than 10 years old, though, and its authors noted in a 2019 paper on the sexually inactive how little is known about them.

The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior in the US found that between 2009 and 2018 there was a rise in adolescents reporting no sexual activity (partnered and alone), from 28.8% to 44.2% of young men and from 49.5% to 74% of young women. In one interview, the study’s authors raised several possible contributing factors, including gaming and social media taking time and precedence, more awareness of asexuality as an identity, a decline in alcohol use, an increase in “rough sex” practices such as choking that may be frightening or off-putting to many, and lower incomes.

Voluntary celibacy in the US, where Lehmiller is based, seems to have more links to religion than it does in the UK. Furthermore, he says, “in this #MeToo and post-Roe era [with the rollback of reproductive rights] we find ourselves in, the perceived risks associated with sex are higher, particularly for women. And, when you factor in the orgasm gap and the fact that women’s pleasure still isn’t on a par with men’s, some women are asking themselves whether sex is even worth it. If you see it as a high-risk, low-reward kind of thing, you might decide you’re better off without it.”

He suggests that celibacy, for some, may be part of “the growing trend towards delayed adulthood. Individuals might see sex and relationships as distractions, or as not having much point until they’ve found stability in other life circumstances.” The pressures of studying, establishing a career or saving for a home may take priority. While voluntary celibacy seems less popular among non‑religious heterosexual men, some have talked online about intentional celibacy providing more focus for their careers, with sex being a distraction.

For those who are dating, apps have changed the way many people find partners, but as Lehmiller points out, online dating is an arena “where there’s a lot of toxic behaviour, brutal rejection and feelings of intense competition for mates. It can make sex and relationships feel like a high-stress, high-stakes thing. Some people may find that taking a pause from that is good for their mental health.”

While celibacy is for many a positive personal choice, it can also be viewed as the result of, or a reaction against, a messed-up sexual culture, just as some of the second wave feminists chose political lesbianism decades ago. Last year, the “femcel”, or “female involuntary celibate”, went mainstream. “They feel the same sense of ‘humiliation and exclusion’ that ‘incels’ do,” as a piece in the Atlantic put it, “but they react to those feelings differently.”

Unlike the notorious misogynistic incels who blame women for not wanting to have sex with them, femcels posting in online groups tend to blame their celibacy on the soul-destroying sexual landscape and a society that, for all its hollow talk of “body positivity”, is still obsessed with looks and beauty conventions.

Louise Perry, author of The Case Against the Sexual Revolution, says that many young heterosexual women “now feel as if they have to run the gauntlet of hook-up culture if they want to have any kind of sexual relationship. I think a lot of them, quite fairly, would rather not have any sexual relationship at all.” The influence and availability of pornography, she adds, “has had a really destructive effect on sexual culture.” She says surveys show that “most women don’t get that much out of casual sex. The problem is, because our sexual culture is so oriented towards a more masculine style of sexuality, a lot of young women in particular don’t feel as if they are able to demand commitment from their partners. Increasing numbers are opting out of the sexual culture altogether.”

It’s naive, she says, to think you can simply choose to avoid pornography and casual sex if you’re sexually active, “because the nature of sex in general, and social relationships, is that they’re networked – you have sex with people who have sex with other people, who watch porn. Even if you choose not to do that, other people do it, and it changes the culture. I think that, particularly in young people, who are super-sensitive to what other people think about them, the default setting now is to have pornified, casual sex.” For some people, opting out might feel like their only option.

Not that voluntary celibacy has just been invented. Stephen gave up sex more than 20 years ago, when he had just turned 40. “I’d become disillusioned with the gay scene, and too much casual sex with strangers. While I was in my 20s it could be fun, but most of the time, when I had sex with someone I’d just met, I was always hoping it was going to be more than just the one night. I was hoping for a relationship.” The last time he had sex, he contracted syphilis, which was the final straw.

A year or so ago, now in his early 60s, Stephen thought he might make another attempt at a sex life. “I gave Grindr a go, and that was quite an eye-opener.” The dating scene had changed in his decades of celibacy, with apps making casual hook-ups even easier, and he says he was alarmed by the number of people who wanted to have sex while taking drugs. He went on three dates with different men. “We did a bit of touching and kissing, but when it came to going any further, each time I said: ‘I’ve changed my mind.’ Now I’ve put myself back on the shelf. Most of the sex I’ve ever had, I wish I hadn’t bothered. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and it just seems so much effort for something that’s over quickly. Looking back, it’s all very disappointing.”

He has missed intimacy, but companionship and affection have come from friends and his dogs. He is still open to being in a relationship, he says, and hasn’t lost his sex drive, but he thinks he is unlikely to meet someone now. “I’d need to have sex with someone I’ve known, even just for a few weeks, or a few days, instead of with someone whose name you can’t quite remember. An intimate but non-sexual relationship might be the best for me. It would be nice to lie in bed with someone, be an old married couple from the start.”

Celibacy, says Ammanda Major, head of clinical practice for Relate, “works when it works, and it doesn’t work when it doesn’t work. A lot of this comes down to: is this something that you feel is important to you, and you’re doing it for you? Or is it something that you feel is imposed on you, for reasons that might be very difficult? Like you’ve had a period without a partner, or you’ve gone through a period of ill health, whether mental or physical.” If it hasn’t been a positive choice, she says, it could “cause people to feel potentially unloved and uncared for”.

It can also raise problems, unsurprisingly, in relationships where one partner wants to follow a celibate lifestyle, but the other doesn’t. In that situation, you have to be willing to have a potentially difficult conversation about what it means for your relationship. Our society puts a lot of emphasis on sex, “but it’s not for everyone”, she says. “Celibacy can be a conscious decision, or it may be something that you just gently morph into and that also feels OK for you.” Major suggests asking yourself what celibacy brings to your life. “Are you cutting yourself off from sex, or are you cutting yourself off from intimacy? Are they the same for you? Can you be intimate while being celibate?”

It can certainly have benefits in a variety of situations, she says. “It’s not unusual for people after the breakup of a relationship, or periods of a lot of sexual activity, to take a step back and think: ‘I need to do some self-care, which involves taking myself out of this sexual arena at the moment. I will engage with it again at some point, but this is time to think about what I want to do next.’ Which may be to maintain celibacy, or it may be to engage with an intimate partner or several partners.”

Without her period of intentional celibacy a few years ago, after a breakup, Kelly Jenner believes she wouldn’t have changed her relationship patterns for the better. “I went for men who were very unavailable,” she says. “Now I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had – I’ve got clear boundaries, we have healthy conversations, whereas I never had that before I did intentional celibacy.” Now a breakup recovery coach, Jenner often recommends a period of celibacy to others. How long it lasts is less important, she thinks, than the intention; simply a sexless period between partners doesn’t necessarily come with the same benefits. “The intention changes your whole mindset around dating.”

For Hope Flynn, 31, head of content for iPlaySafe, a home-testing STI kit and app, her eight-month stretch of celibacy – she had been having sex about three times a week, so it was intentional rather than a mere dry spell – was about resetting her attitudes to sex. “I really enjoy sex, but I started to notice I was using it in the wrong way,” she says. She was going through a difficult time – she was trying to launch a business and had experienced a couple of bereavements – and would seek no-strings sex as a distraction and for comfort.

“It wasn’t really doing anything for me, other than making me feel as if I was making wrong decisions. I had to put the brakes on it for a few months, and focus on myself and making myself feel better.” It was sometimes difficult, she says. “It was lonely at times, and I felt like I was being my own fun police, but it was needed.”

Earlier this year, she had another period of abstention – this time from pornography and masturbation, because she felt that had got out of control. “I wanted to have a better relationship with porn, and use my own imagination a bit more.” Both sexual breaks helped her focus on other areas of her life by removing sex as a distraction, and it made her appreciate sex more when she started being intimate again. “When I was having sex so regularly, it just becomes something that you do, but it was nice to have that break and make it special again.”

Some names have been changed

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Beyond the Bedroom

—Why Great Sex Makes for a Great Life (and Good Health)

By Stacey Lindsay

I’ve always understood good sex to include an orgasm and a connection with the person I’m sleeping with. But great mindful sex that’s spiritually, physically, and mentally illuminating for everyone involved is like watching Queen Rania speak: I leave the experience feeling capable and empowered, my body flooded with electric confetti.

When I started having great mindful sex (which began when I turned 40), I noticed a shift in other areas of my life. Work felt more fulfilling and my friendships more meaningful. I wanted to take better care of my body and mind. I swear I started walking a little taller, too. As I’ve continued to feel this way at 41, I’ve realized the gist: When you have mindful sex, the bliss extends beyond the sheets. Because great sex is a portal. More than a happy addition to life, it’s a pillar of good health, a way to connect with yourself and another (or others), and a beautiful right we’re all worthy of.

Featured image from our interview with Remi Ishizuka by Michelle Nash.

Experts Answer: What Is Mindful Sex

But as incredible as mindful sex is, it can be an enigma. Lack of connection, health issues, stigmatization, and many other things can get in our way. This is why we need to talk about it—more and more. So I called on two brilliant minds in this space, Cindy Barshop, founder of VSPOT, a women’s intimate and sexual clinic, and Dr. Monica Grover, a double board certified gynecologist and VSPOT Chief Medical Officer, to talk about women’s intimate health, why mindful sex is so critical, and how we can have it.

Because when we have the mindful sex that we want and we talk about it openly—look out: We’re capable of anything.

Why Women Need More Intimate and Sexual Care Support

“We’re just starting to understand how many things impact women’s intimate lives today,” Barshop tells me. Too many women aren’t enjoying the intimacy and connection they deserve. “Sex doesn’t feel good,” she adds. “It’s like, let’s do it and move on to the next thing.” This is why Barshop founded VSPOT: To give women a place to openly talk about their sexual and intimate health concerns and needs without judgment and to connect with a resource for treatment. “You would not believe how many women have sex and intimacy issues—and we are not discussing this enough.”

How often do we take the time to focus on ourselves, our self-care, and what makes us happy? — Dr. Monica Grover

Additionally, women deserve more than just 10 minutes in the doctor’s office, which is so common in Western medicine today. “It’s a shame,” says Dr. Gordon. “Not only do women feel hesitant to speak about some of these conditions in a typical doctor’s office scenario, but doctors are not even allowed to listen.” We need the room, freedom, and support to fully vent, ask, and learn about what makes us feel sexually great.

How Mindful Sex Impacts Our Lives

Sex is more than sex. It’s an avenue for so many more profound things in our lives. But too often, it gets pushed aside and “clouded,” says Dr. Grover. “Women find it as a chore, or it’s painful, or something they’re not looking forward to” because of life stressors, health conditions, menopause, or more.

This is to our detriment because sex makes us feel good. “It’s physiological,” adds Dr. Grover. “When we have an orgasm, we release all of these happy neurotransmitters—oxytocin, norepinephrine, dopamine, serotonin—everything that makes us feel great about ourselves.” Add to that, having mindful sex may help ward off certain illnesses and ailments. “We should be focused on our sexual health because that helps with depression.” Plus, research shows that sex can improve productivity.

Barshop puts it best: “Great sex makes your body stronger and healthier. It changes everything.”

How to Have Great, Mindful Sex

In my conversation with Barshop and Dr. Grover, I came away with three takeaways for how to nourish our sexual lives:

#1: We must be bold at the doctor’s office and discuss our sexual frustrations and desires.

“Open up these conversations,” says Dr. Grover. “Say, ‘I’m here because I want to talk about the fact that I have vaginal dryness or I can’t have an orgasm. This is my chief complaint.’ Get the doctors uncomfortable because that’s the only way to open up more awareness around this.”

#2: Mindful sex can be with others or just ourselves.

Whatever it looks like for you, dive into the incredible products available today, from vibrators to lubricants, that encourage more flow to any scenario. “You don’t need a partner,” says Dr. Grover. “Sometimes it’s even better on your own!”

#3: If you have hiccups around your sexual wellness, you’re not alone.

There is a growing community revolutionizing sexual health outside the medical world—including Barshop and Dr. Grover’s work at VSPOT. “Now we have a place where we can spend an hour with you and look at all the solutions,” says Dr. Grover. “We can give women the tools, so they can find that happiness again when they go home.”

The Takeaway

Like anything worthwhile, mindful sex takes a more profound knowing and connection with ourselves. Our instincts may be to quiet our desires and not speak about our sexual issues or wants. Don’t do that, say Barshop and Dr. Grover. We must talk openly—with our doctors, partners, and friends.

Through honesty and conviction, let’s start to normalize and prioritize sexual wellness so we can all have more mindful sex—and feel empowered in everything we want to do.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The culture of mistrust is bleeding into our personal lives.

— No wonder there’s a sex recession

‘In a cultural moment where liberalised attitudes towards sex and sexuality have destigmatised so many forms of sexual behaviour, younger generations appear to be growing less sexually intimate.’

The allure of digital relationships that can be curated and controlled comes at the expense of mutual vulnerability

By

The western drift away from seeking moral instruction from the church is understandable; the morality plays staged every day on Reddit’s infamous “Am I the Asshole?” threads are far more entertaining.

A few weeks ago, a post went viral in which the author seeks a public verdict on the question “AITA for asking my roommates to remove their dildos from the bathroom mirror in a way that was not kind?” The young poster had responded to the presence of newly washed sex toys in a shared space with a disgusted hostility and the dildo-owning flatmate complained the poster should have requested the removal more politely.

This brash – and now VERY public – story of objects once unlikely to be mentioned outside (ahem) the most personal of circumstances appears at the same time US magazine the Atlantic has been discussing “America’s intimacy problem”.

Researchers in the US have noticed a decline in secure attachments between individuals. Growing numbers of Americans find themselves either avoiding or incapable of maintaining intimate social relationships, with the consequence being loneliness and isolation. Psychologists report that even when their clients do want the security and comfort of meaningful connections, “there’s a lot of confusion and fear in terms of how to get there”.

In a cultural moment where liberalised attitudes towards sex and sexuality have destigmatised so many forms of sexual behaviour, younger generations appear to be growing less sexually intimate.

It’s not an exclusively American problem. In Australia, younger generations have also been in a “sex recession” for years. Figures compiled in 2020 revealed 40% of people in the 18-24 age bracket had never had a sexual partner. Disturbingly, some of those who know sexual contact may not necessarily know it with intimacy, but with coercion.

Sociologists and other researchers have speculated that social media is driving this. From chat to porn, the new networks provide on-demand experiences of connection that resemble in-person interactions without sharing the awkward, human rhythms of the real-world thing. The digital allure is of relationships that can be curated, controlled and contained.

Simultaneously, the portability of image-capture technology has facilitated an era of relentless self-surveillance. Powerful forces incentivise the exploitation of the personal, from the monetisation of the influencer to the desperate social competition for online attention.

The digital paradigm has come to contain us. To admit one is messy, inexperienced, scared, human-shaped or in any way truly vulnerable is an act of trust before another person and we’ve all learned by now to never trust anything pretending to be a person on the internet. Maybe the culture of mistrust fostered on the internet is what’s bleeding into our external lives? The relentless exposure of it renders any revelation of frailty a dangerous prospect.

Meanwhile, experiments such as Arthur Aron’s “36 questions that lead to love” established that it’s the mutual revelation of vulnerability that creates our most intimate bonds.

The terror is valid. The personal cost is incalculable.

Recently I received the sad news that an old theatre friend had passed away, and far too young. We lived on separate continents and had not been in touch for quite some time.

This news of his death, though, has shattered me. The memory that replays itself dates from 19 years ago; we’d stumbled into my apartment to crash after an all-night drunken adventure, and in his besozzlement he found himself unable to remove his contact lenses. He asked for help. My careful fingers peeled the plastic droplets from the eyeballs of my prone-on-the-spare-bed, fully clothed friend and it remains one of the most intimate experiences I’ve had with another human being. It changed the channel of our relationship – not into anything romantic, but into another kind of closeness that remains tricky to explain.

The pain of loss I’m feeling now is the price humans pay for the intensity of these connections.

Restless and raging at the sky in the wake of too many recent deaths, I’m yet to be convinced that the worst flatmate or view-aggregating Tokfluencer doesn’t yearn for the intimacy of a profound friendship, or a loving family, or true romantic love.

For those who may find themselves insecurely attached and sad about it, some gentle guidance: it’s not our social performances that leave an indelible impression behind us – it’s the risk taken to trust someone else when we are in our greatest vulnerability. It’s in these moments we become immortal to each other.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Exploring Sex and Aging

— Good sex is about being good at communication. It’s not about how big anything is or where you put it.

(l-r) Aging bodies moderator Crystal Brown talked with Kimberlee Reece of NE Wellness; Zeynep Tuzcu, founder of Evren Chiropractic; and Carolyn Torkelson, retired women’s health specialist at the University of Minnesota.

Minnesota Women’s Press hosted panel discussions about “Sex, Menopause, and Aging Bodies” in April, moderated by the magazine’s sexuality writer Gaea Dill-D’Ascoli and outreach director Crystal Brown.

Q: As our bodies change, it can impact our sexual relationships. How do we talk about that and get away from feeling like there is a goal to reach, or dismay that we aren’t feeling the same physically?

Lindsey Hoskins, health education, Family Tree Clinic: Good sex is about being good at communication. It’s not about how big anything is or where you put it. I love this recipe from sex educator Reid Mihalko for having a difficult conversation:

1) I’ve got something I want to talk to you about. 2) I’m nervous to talk to you about it because … 3) What I hope happens is … 4) Then you say what you need to say.

I also highly recommend pelvic floor physical therapy. The muscles in the pelvic area are small, so even a little exercise is a lot. Orgasm feelings are dependent on the strength of those muscles sometimes. The beefier those muscles are, the stronger and easier it is to experience orgasm. Toning those muscles can make a huge difference.

And orgasm doesn’t have to be a goal. Learning to enjoy pleasures large and small, and without a goal, leads to greater satisfaction.

If you’ve got aches and pains in your body — your hips hurt or you can’t lie on your back anymore — talk to a good pelvic floor physical therapist. There’s a lot of referred pain in the pelvis; something hurts over here, but the cause is there.

AJ, psychotherapist, Rainbow Health:

Open up space to talk about sex that isn’t just in the bedroom. Have regular relationship check-ins, when you can talk about a variety of issues. The acronym I suggest is RADAR: Review the amount of time of since your last check in, Agree on the agenda of what you want to talk about, Discuss, name Action steps, and Reconnect after a hard conversation.

Remember that sex is about exploring each other’s bodies and your own body. Maybe there’s room for parallel masturbation or different forms of touch. Sex is expansive, and it can look different ways as we age.

People over the age of 55 have the fastest- growing rate of sexually transmitted illness (STI) in the U.S. The younger age groups are more likely to have an STI, but the older generations are more likely to contract one due to decline in practicing safe sex. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported in 2019 that the number of cases in the previous five years among Americans aged 55 and older rose 164 percent for gonorrhea, 120 percent for syphilis, and 86 percent for chlamydia.

Recommended Resources

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Getting too excited can stop men from orgasming

– But there’s a solution

By &

The way sex is portrayed in pop culture films and music could easily give you the idea that it, at least physically, should happen easily – particularly for men.

Sex may seem like a straightforward activity but it actually involves a high degree of coordination between the brain and body parts. Recent data suggests that erectile dysfunction affects around one in five UK men, with the figure rising to 50% for the 40-70 age group.

With this data in mind, we set out to explore how we could mathematically model the essence of sexual response in men and improve the experience. We found that too much psychological arousal before or during sexual stimulation can make it difficult to climax.

Until recently, little was known scientifically about physiology and psychology of what happens when people are having sex, partly because of the taboo around it. A breakthrough came in the 1960s with the work of US researchers William Masters and Virgina Johnson. They invited over 380 women and over 300 men to a lab and observed them having sex, taking notes of the physiological changes that happened.

Having collected data from over 10,000 sex acts, Masters and Johnson published their results in 1966 in their Human Sexual Response paper. It proposed a paradigm of the human sexual response cycle as a sequence of excitement, plateau, orgasm, resolution. For each of these stages Masters and Johnson described in minute detail physiological changes in genital areas, as well as more general reactions, such as hyperventilation, increased pulse and blood pressure, and involuntary sweating immediately after orgasm.

While sexual responses in women are less understood, the Masters-Johnson sexual response cycle for men has stood the test of time and is still the best representation of the stages men go through when having sex. Data collected by later studies showed that female sexual responses are more diverse and don’t follow the linear progression of excitement-plateau-orgasm-resolution of the Masters-Johnson model.

Practical insights

One of the criticisms of the Masters-Johnson framework was that it did not account for psychological component of sexual response. In our mathematical model, we wanted to capture interactions between physiological and psychological aspects of sexual response in men. Our model focused on how the levels of physiological and psychological arousal (turn-on) change during sexual stimulation.

We combined data about physiological responses from the Masters-Johnson study with insights from five functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) studies of people having sex from 2003 to 2011. fMRI measures the small changes in blood flow that occur with brain activity.

Our model made two assumptions. First, that psychological turn on increases when someone is physically excited, from watching porn or from observing a partner and interacting with them. We also assumed that after sex, psychological excitement eventually subsides.

Getting over excited

The results of our model show that if a man becomes psychologically overly excited, either due to their initial level of psychological turn-on before, or during sex, this can be detrimental to their chances of achieving orgasm. One explanation for this is that when someone is overly excited they are too focused on their sexual performance or achieving an orgasm.

This can cause anxiety, which is itself a state of psychological overstimulation. As a result, people can come to a frustrating state of being agonisingly close to the point of climax yet not being able to reach it. The solution to this is to mentally switch-off and relax to allow your psychological arousal to decrease.

Another finding of our model is that the level of physical arousal decreases with psychological stimulation. Although this may seem counter-intuitive, it fits with the data from fMRI studies from around 15 years ago, in which 21 men were put inside an fMRI scanner and asked to bring themselves to orgasm either through self-stimulation or with the help of their partners.

The results showed that right before orgasm, many areas of the brain become deactivated. These include the amygdala (responsible for processing emotions and threatening stimuli) frontal cortical regions (controls judgement and decision making) and orbitofrontal cortex (integrates sensory input and takes part in decision making for emotional and reward-related behaviour).

So orgasm is associated with letting go – it’s a mental release as much as a physical one.

The same result follows from the Yerkes-Dodson law, which over 100 years ago established that for some tasks optimal physical performance is achieved with intermediate levels of psychological arousal. For example, difficult or intellectually demanding tasks may require a lower level of arousal (to facilitate concentration), whereas tasks demanding stamina or persistence need higher levels of arousal (to increase motivation).

 

Mathematical models have already helped us understand the dynamics of other physiological processes, such as blood circulation, heart disease, cancer, neural firing in the brain. Applying them to such complex phenomenon such as sexual response can provide insights that can help improve sexual performance and develop new approaches to treatment of sexual dysfunction.

What next?

Women have a greater variety of sexual responses that can include single or multiple orgasms.

Recent data suggests that while heterosexual men achieve orgasm about 95% of the time, the equivalent figure for heterosexual women is a measly 65%.

Our next step would be to explore how to develop a mathematical model to represent the dynamics of female sexual response using the latest Basson’s circular model, which will hopefully help close the orgasm gap.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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This is how we do it

— ‘She sets a timer for sex and my job is just to enjoy what she’s doing to me’

Stella loves her new-found desire, while Satya is learning how to worry less. And they’re saving their long sessions for the weekend

As told to

Stella, 31 — The thing about lesbian sex is it takes a while

I’ve never found a sexual partner so attractive. When Satya gets naked I immediately feel weak. Soon after we started dating, I was sitting on her sofa after a night out and she put on a sexy, romantic song and gave me a really slow lapdance. She is an amazing dancer and held eye contact without laughing. I was really turned on, but I also felt very nerdy, like an undeserving teenage boy.

Feeling almost painfully desperate because you are so full of desire is a new experience for me and, unexpectedly, I love it.

In previous relationships I have been accused of wanting to have sex less than my partners, which is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy because it’s not a very sexy dynamic if your partner is always itching for it, and you’re the mean one, always withholding.

I often shut my eyes when boyfriends orgasmed because it gave me the ick.

Now often I feel the most turned on when I have to work for it a bit – when Satya doesn’t initially want it as much as me and I have to seduce her.

Satya can find it difficult to orgasm, so we’re working on that together. I get it, because I found it difficult for most of my 20s. For a long time I was convinced I was asexual. Partly that’s because I hadn’t realised I was a lesbian. When I had sex with boyfriends I suppose I got off on the mechanics of it, but I sometimes felt sickened by the closeness of it all. I often shut my eyes when they orgasmed because it gave me the ick.

Recently, Satya and I have started doing special exercises to try to make it easier for her to climax. I will set a timer for 20 minutes, and touch her, and I will stop when the timer goes off, no matter what. The point is to take the pressure off finishing, and concentrate on pleasure.

Most of the time we pencil in a session for the weekend because the thing about lesbian sex is it takes a while. You’re taking it in turns, so you need an hour, absolute minimum. You can’t have a quickie in the same way. If it’s 11pm on a weeknight you can’t get started: you’d be up all night! We like to give it a whole afternoon.

Satya, 33 — I really like that when Stella and I are having sex there’s no procreation, there’s just pleasure

I met Stella at a party and I remember noticing how self-possessed she was. She didn’t know that many people there but she was entirely at ease. A year on, sometimes I’ll look at her from across the room when we’re out and be struck by that quality all over again. I’ll watch her talking to someone and she’ll be all composed and beautiful, and I’ll think: I’m going home with you.

I’d had sex with one woman before I met Stella, but only had relationships with men. I find it difficult to orgasm with a partner, and I have tended to stop my exes concentrating on me in the bedroom because I worry I take too long. Stella won’t stand for that.

I used to make the kind of noises I’d heard in porn, mostly to reassure my male partner that he was doing well

She introduced this exercise where she sets a timer on her phone and my job is to just enjoy what she’s doing. I know it’s going to end so don’t panic about her getting bored or tired, which are my main concerns and turn me off. Before she puts the timer on, she reminds me I should stop her if I don’t like something and she will never be hurt or offended.

Another rule is her focusing on me, but I’m not allowed to make any sounds. That’s helpful because I used to make the kind of noises I’d heard in porn, mostly to reassure my male partner that he was doing well (even though he often wasn’t). One of the many wonderful things about being with a woman is they’re not so convinced by the fake noises other women make in bed. I also really like that when Stella and I are having sex there’s no procreation, there’s just pleasure. It makes things much more open and exciting.

The knowledge that I’m attracted to women didn’t strike me like a lightning bolt – it was a slow realisation. I go over it in my head a lot: how did this happen? Is everyone pansexual? Or are all women actually lesbians? Or is it just a random coincidence that I’ve fallen in love with Stella and she happens to be a woman? I think about how much I love her and how happy we are every day.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Does Penis Size Actually Matter?

By Adrienne Santos-Longhurst

What’s the short answer?

No, penis size doesn’t matter — at least not in terms of desirability or function.
Its size has zero bearing on its ability to give and receive pleasure or do any of what it’s supposed to do.

That’s not to say that some people don’t prefer a bigger or smaller one, but that’s a matter of perceived preference, kind of like pineapple on pizza. To each their own.

Need some reassurance — or better yet, proof? Read on.

Bigger isn’t necessarily better

Contrary to the bull you might hear in the locker room or media, a bigger dick isn’t everything.

Bigger-than-average penises have been associated with a higher risk of injury and infection.

Extra length can also make some positions especially painful.

Too much girth can cause tearing if you’re not careful, especially during anal sex. Then there’s the whole choking and gag reflex to contend with during oral.

Of course, there are ways around these things, but it just goes to show that having a huge D isn’t all that.

Smaller isn’t necessarily bad

A smaller D is automatically easier to handle, which means all involved can focus on pleasure rather than pain or trying to figure out how the eff you’re gonna get THAT in there.

It’s certainly easier for fitting in the mouth. And when it comes to anal, a smaller peen is basically top dog.

Like any size penis, any perceived shortcomings are easily — and enjoyably — rectified with the right position.

And average is, well, smaller than you probably think

Most people with penises — around 85 percent — overestimate what average is when it comes to dick size and are convinced everyone else is packing something a lot beefier.

Here’s a dose of reality based on the most recent stats on schlong size:

  • The average penis length is 3.6 in (9.1 cm) when flaccid and 5.2 in (13.1 cm) when erect.
  • Girth-wise, the average flaccid penis measures 3.66 (9.31 cm) around and 4.59 (11.66 cm) in while erect.

To be clear: Size has nothing to do with stamina

You can be hung like the proverbial stallion and still lack stamina in the sack.

A big dick won’t last longer than a smaller one or keep you from running out of steam or cumming faster than you’d like.

It doesn’t affect fertility, either

If you’ve got baby-making on the mind, the last thing you need to do is stress about your size.

For starters, sperm is produced in the testicles — not the penis. Plus, there’s evidence that stress can reduce sperm quality and affect fertility.

FYI, stress can also put a kibosh on sexual pleasure, boners, and negatively impact your overall health.

The only thing size can do is affect your game — for better or worse

Peen size can totally affect your game, but how comes down to you.

Learn how to make the most of what you’ve got and all the other ways there are to give pleasure and you’ll be a rockstar. Focus on size alone and you’ll flop — literally and figuratively.

For example, some folks neglect their skillset because they think a big dick is all they need to rock someone’s world… and it’s not.

Others may let worries of a small D drain their confidence, causing them to overcompensate in other ways.

All of these things can take a mental toll on the penis-haver and suck the fun out of a sex sesh for all involved.

How to maximize what you’re working with

Not to keep hammering away at it, but it’s not the size of your penis that matters as much as what you do with it.

There’s nothing quite like leaving your partner writhing in ecstasy to thrust your confidence sky high, which will serve you well, in and out of the bedroom.

Here’s how to max the crap out of what you’ve got and feel good about what you’re working with — whether you lean bigger, smaller, or fall someplace between.

If you’re more endowed

The key to working with a bigger-than-average penis isn’t even really about your penis — at least not at first.

Making sure your partner is super-aroused will make it easier for them to handle your beast of a boner, so some extra focus on foreplay is a must. And lube. Lots of lube.

Use your mouth, tongue, or fingers to tease their erogenous zones, focusing on all the usual suspects, like the nips and genitals, as well as some less explored but surprisingly erotic bits, like the inner arms of behind the knees.

If you’re both ready to move onto penetration, choose positions that allow your partner a little more control over the depth. Having them on top is always a good way to go.

First, they can take you in at a pace that feels good. Plus, you get a bangin’ view of all the action and easy access to their other parts for maximum arousal.

If you’re less endowed

If your penis falls to the smaller side of the spectrum, focus on positions that let you go deep, like doggy style. Take it deeper by having your partner lower their head and chest while arching their back.

If you have a thinner penis, choose positions that make for a tighter squeeze. This can be any sex position, really, so long as your partner keeps their legs tight together.

Missionary, face-down, and them-on-top positions all work with closed legs.

And don’t let your wang worries make you forget about other types of sex. Add oral sex to the menu as the appetizer or even the main course.

And when giving, incorporate your hands or a sex toy to increase the chances of a clitoral or anal orgasm.

And speaking of orgasms, know that the chances of having them increases greatly with manual or oral stimulation than with intercourse.

You may also find it easier to hit the G spot, A spot, or P spot using your fingers or a toy. Seriously. Give it a try. You can thank us later.

If you’re somewhere in the middle

Well look at you and your not-too-big and not-too-small D, Goldicocks!

In terms of sex positions, anything goes if you aren’t trying to accommodate a penis that falls outside the average range. This is your chance to experiment like mad and fine tune the positions that you and your partner enjoy the most.

As long as your partner’s up for it, mix things up with sex in different places or consider exploring your kinky side.

Sensation play using sex toys, feathers, and ice cubes is a good start, especially if you’re BDSM-curious.

The bottom line

Being good in bed — or anywhere else you choose to get busy — isn’t about penis size, but how you handle it.

Figuring out what feels good for you and your partner and choosing moves that make the most of your penis type will serve you better than worrying will, so get to it!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How Does Chemotherapy Affect Your Sexual Health?

— Chemo is a powerful cancer treatment, but there are side effects you should be looking out for.

Chemo is a powerful cancer treatment, but there are side effects you should be looking out for.

By Jennifer Sizeland

Chemotherapy is the chemical treatment of cancer using drugs. The primary purpose of chemo is to kill cancer cells, shrink tumors, relieve symptoms of untreatable cancer and prevent it from returning.ƒhealth

It can be administered in several different ways but is usually given through a needle or tube inserted into a vein or orally—by mouth in capsule, liquid or tablet form—over a period of time. This treatment can be used in conjunction with other therapies, such as radiation therapy, immunotherapy and surgery. Progress is monitored by an oncologist, a cancer specialist who will perform various tests to see how the cancer responds to chemotherapy.

While chemotherapy has come a long way, it still has side effects that can influence all areas of your life.

How does chemotherapy affect general health?

Aside from the symptoms and problems caused by the cancer itself, chemotherapy can have myriad side effects.

“One of the most common side effects of chemotherapy is myelosuppression, or lowering the blood counts,” said Mohamad Cherry, M.D., the medical director of hematology at Atlantic Medical Group Hematology Oncology in Morristown, New Jersey.

He noted that this treatment can impact the body in the following ways:

  • Lowering platelets can cause bleeding.
  • Lowering the red blood cells can cause anemia and lead to fatigue.
  • Lowering the white blood cells can affect the immune system and increase the risk of infections.

Different chemotherapeutic agents create different side effects. These can vary depending on the type and stage of cancer, he added.

Some of the other common side effects of chemotherapy include the following:

  • Appetite loss
  • Bleeding
  • Bruising
  • Constipation
  • Hair loss
  • Mouth soreness
  • Nausea
  • Vomiting

Cherry recommended talking with your doctor about the best way to treat the symptoms of chemotherapy, as there are medications and other tools to help manage these side effects. Methods like cooling caps can help prevent hair loss, and antiemetic medication can reduce vomiting and nausea.

It is important to look after your mental health, he added, as this is an aspect of cancer treatment that is often ignored. Some cancer sufferers find that speaking to a therapist is helpful.

How does chemotherapy affect sexual health?

“Chemotherapy can, unfortunately, impact sexual health in many ways, although not everyone has these symptoms,” said Anne Peled, M.D., a breast cancer surgeon and the co-director of the Breast Care Center of Excellence at Sutter Health California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco.

She explained that women can experience the following sexual side effects as a result of chemo:

Men can experience:

“Chemotherapy can also impact future fertility, which is unfortunately not always discussed before treatment when options like sperm and egg harvest are potentially available,” Peled added. 

If you would like to have children, this is something you can discuss with your doctor before chemotherapy starts.

Whitney McSparran, L.P.C.C., a counselor who specializes in relationships, stress, grief, anxiety and self-esteem at Thriveworks in Cleveland, Ohio, explained that there are other forms of intimacy partners can share that don’t involve intercourse.

“Exploring non-sexual forms of physical intimacy like massage, cuddling and hand-holding can be helpful in maintaining a sense of intimacy when sexual activity isn’t on the table,” she said.

Complications and related conditions

The powerful nature of chemotherapy means it can cause serious complications.

“Certain chemotherapeutic agents can affect the heart, causing congestive heart failure or arrhythmias, and others can affect the lungs, causing shortness of breath,” Cherry said.

Chemotherapy drugs can especially affect the kidneys and liver, he added, which can result in increased liver enzymes or a decrease in kidney function. These organs will be closely monitored throughout treatment.

If any severe complications arise as a result of chemotherapy, your doctor will adjust your schedule or prescribe supportive medication to help your body to better cope or recover.

Living with chemotherapy

While undergoing chemotherapy, it’s important to build a support network of friends and family to go along with a healthcare team. Cherry recommends asking for social worker support as well.

It is important to be open and honest about your cancer and treatment, even when you feel uncomfortable talking, in order to maintain those relationships, McSparran said.

“Many healthcare systems may have social workers or nurse navigators that can answer questions or help facilitate these difficult discussions,” she said.

Many people find that they can live relatively normal lives while on chemotherapy and even continue their day-to-day responsibilities.

Dating and relationships with chemotherapy

“Transparency, boundary setting and communication are important in all dating relationships but are especially important when navigating dating and chemotherapy,” McSparran said.

Her advice for managing romantic relationships while undergoing chemo includes:

  • Accept that your priorities or values may change.
  • Be aware that your relationship may change as a result of cancer and cancer treatment.
  • Be clear on your expectations of the relationship.
  • Be clear about the time and energy you have to commit.
  • Be open to talking about what is and isn’t working.
  • Explore possible solutions to your feelings and problems.

Practicing safe sex is very important during chemo, as these drugs can severely harm a pregnancy in the first trimester.

It may help partners to join a support group where they can speak to others whose relationships have been impacted by cancer.

Supporting someone and aftercare

“Don’t rely on the person going through chemo to tell you what they want or need. Know the type of support you can provide and be consistent,” McSparran said.

She stressed the importance of looking after yourself, as being someone’s support during cancer treatment can take its toll.

McSparran recommended these strategies as the most important so that you look after yourself while you’re caring for someone on chemo:

  • Find a professional to talk with if you need to.
  • Lean on your own support network.
  • Practice self-care.

Chemotherapy and cancer can have unexpected impacts, so it is vital to keep checking in with yourself as well as the person you’re caring for.

Whatever you’re going through, there is likely someone else who has been through a similar experience. Charities, groups and online resources can provide emotional, financial and practical help during your time of need.

Resources for patients and caregivers

Here are some great resources to start learning more about chemotherapy and its potential effects:

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