— In her new book, the sex educator Emily Morse argues that every couple should have a frank conversation — ideally, once a month.
Work, kids, health — countless factors can get in the way of good sex. But Emily Morse, a sex educator, believes one roadblock tends to loom larger than the others.
“Most of the sexual problems in our relationships have nothing to do with sex, and everything to do with communication,” Ms. Morse writes in her new book, “Smart Sex.”
Addressing intimacy isn’t always easy, she acknowledged: “Conversations around sex are not normalized at all.” But Ms. Morse’s raison d’être across her various platforms is to encourage people to talk openly about sex — to identify what they want, and to learn how to say it.
She has a long-running podcast, “Sex With Emily,” and more than 500,000 followers on Instagram, where she explores a variety of topics, from the best sex toys to confidence in the bedroom. A 2021 article in The New York Times likened Ms. Morse, who studied at the now-defunct Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, to the iconic Dr. Ruth.
In “Smart Sex,” she breaks down her rallying cry about communication into a handful of specific sex talks she believes are useful for couples to have. Among them is the “sexual state of the union” — a monthly check-in to help determine what’s working, what’s not and where things are headed next.
The Times talked to Ms. Morse about some strategies from her new book that she believes can help couples have an effective sexual state of the union, and why she thinks it is worthwhile — even if the idea makes you or your partner cringe.
1. Keep it brief.
A successful sexual state of the union shouldn’t last more than 10 minutes or so, Ms. Morse said. She believes that it can be helpful for couples to think about it as preventive care.
“You’re planting the seeds for the sex life to come,” she explained. “You’re going to learn: What worked? What didn’t work? And then how can we improve going forward?”
Ms. Morse recommends having the talk once a month (scheduled or more spontaneous, depending on the couple), though that frequency isn’t dictated by research. It’s based on her hunch that once a month feels manageable even when life is busy, and that it offers people enough time and space to do a bit of reflecting on what has been happening in their sex lives.
2. Expect it to be awkward.
Ms. Morse is adamant that good sex doesn’t just happen. Nor does talking about it somehow rob it of its “magic” — even if the resulting conversations are uncomfortable, or down right clumsy.
It can help to openly acknowledge any discomfort you might feel, she said. “In the moment, you can tell your partner: ‘Look, I know that this is new for us, but I want us to have a growth mind-set around our sexual connection,’” Ms. Morse said, noting her firm belief that vulnerability is essential for true intimacy.
“If it feels unsexy because you’re both nervous, that’s OK,” she added. “This isn’t, like, a foreplay exercise.”
3. Start by asking: ‘What would you like to see more of in our sex life?’
Or consider other options, such as: “What can I do more of to make sex satisfying for you?” Or: “May I share something I’d like more of during sex?”
“What are you enjoying about our sex life right now?” is another option, although Ms. Morse acknowledges that is probably not a great conversation starter for those in the midst of a sexual drought, for instance.
In an ideal world, couples would get in the habit of having a regular sexual state of the union early in their relationship, Ms. Morse said, though she does believe it is a muscle that can be developed with practice — whether you have been together for “10 months or 10 years,” or beyond.
But if those sorts of questions feel impossible to ask, or if your partner is utterly unwilling to answer them, that’s a sign you may benefit from sex therapy, she said.
4. Pay attention to timing, tone and turf.
Often, when you talk about sex is as important as the actual words you use, Ms. Morse says. So make sure neither of you is hungry, angry, lonely or tired, or HALT, as you set out to discuss sex, she said. Doing so makes you and your partner less likely to be reactive or defensive.
And strive for a tone that is curious, compassionate and open, she said.
“A lot of us, when we have these intense conversations, our tone gets defensive — though we don’t mean it to be,” Ms. Morse said.
She insists conversations about sex should take place outside the bedroom, which she argues should be a sanctuary for sleep and sex — and nothing else. It may help to bring it up during an outdoor stroll, she said. You and your partner can both take a few deep breaths, and do not necessarily have to hold eye contact.
“I want people to remember that the sexual state of the union is not criticism,” Ms. Morse said. “It’s an opportunity to collaborate.”
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