Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Tips for Long-Distance Kink

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Many romantic partners are quarantined in separate homes, and online think pieces are falling all over themselves to teach us how to sext and how to plan the perfect long-distance date. While some couples can keep their relationships afloat by flinging the occasional nude into the cloud, those who crave consensual power exchange have been left to fend for ourselves.

Maybe you and your partner have an established kink dynamic. Maybe you’re tired of whispering, “Sit on my face,” into the phone and you’re yearning for variety. Maybe you swiped right on a BDSM-loving babe and have decided to be her Zoom daddy for the foreseeable future. Good news: there are no geographic limits to being a kinky slut, and I’m willing to lend you my perverted imagination.

First, some definitions: BDSM is acronym that can be broken down into three parts — B&D (bondage and discipline), D/s (dominance and submission) and S&M (sadism and masochism). BDSM falls under the larger “kink” umbrella, which includes any “unconventional” sexual practice (whatever that means for you) and consensual power play. Kink and BDSM don’t always involve sex. I’ve included some long-distance kink ideas that involve sexual stimulation and others where the orgasms are optional.

Safety First

You can’t shove your sweetie’s face into the mattress and flog them into next year while social distancing, but that doesn’t mean you should ditch your safe word. Since long-distance kink is often verbal, you’ll have an opportunity to discover fantasies that live in the deepest, most fucked up recesses of your mind (fun, huh?). You’ll both feel safer exploring that space if you have a word that lets your partner know it’s time to tap out.

Distance also requires us to reframe aftercare, which is how kinky people refer to the time and attention we give to each other when we’re coming down from an intense physical and/ or psychological experience. Aftercare typically involves touch. In a virtual kink scenario, aftercare might look like a verbal debrief of the roleplay you just enjoyed. It might involve sending each other calming playlists or Facetiming while you share videos of labradors learning how to surf. This won’t feel like the IRL aftercare you may have experienced before, so you’ll have to experiment (and communicate) to meet each other’s needs

Once you’ve discussed safety and boundaries, you’re ready to dive in.

Use Your Words

Since you’re not sharing a physical space, you’ll have to do some storytelling to get each other off. Talk about a kinky experience you shared pre-quarantine. List the vicious things you’d do to each other if you were in the same space now.

Do you or your partner have particular words or phrases that get you into a kinky headspace? Maybe you like to be a “good girl” or a “slut.” Maybe your partner likes to be called “Daddy,” “Mistress” or “Sir.” Sometimes a simple “please” is all it takes to thrust someone into power play mode. If you’re experimenting with a new person or if you don’t already know your partner’s kinky buzzwords, ask! Make a list. Use them with abandon.

Role Play

Role play is often rooted in power play, and this is an ideal time to stretch your fantasies to their creative limits. Is teacher/ student role play your thing? Assign your student a book report. Grade it. Make them spank themself on video chat for each grammatical error. Does doctor/ patient play turn you on? Turn your Zoom meeting into a telehealth appointment. I know you have latex gloves.

Follow Instructions

Kink is full of instructions (“Stay still;” “Get on your knees;” “Be a good boy”). Instructions can fuel a kinky video chat or phone call, but they can also keep your heart pounding throughout an entire day. Experiment with immediate demands (“Take a photo of your ass right now and text it to me”), daily tasks (“I want you to polish all of your boots every morning while I watch”) or hourly tasks (“I want you to masturbate every hour on the hour, but don’t let yourself have an orgasm”). Raise the stakes with rewards and punishments.

Practice Orgasm Control

Orgasm control can involve forcing, delaying or denying a partner’s orgasm as a form of power play. When you’re not in the same space, you can control a partner’s orgasms verbally (“You’re not allowed to come until I give you permission”) or physically using an app-compatible sex toy or chastity device.

We-Vibe makes multiple toys (including vaginal toys, butt plugs and underwear vibes) that can be operated from a cell phone. These toys are powerful and versatile, but they’re definitely pricey. If you have the funds to order one, you can wear it throughout the day and let your partner control it all day long. After a full day of edging, your evening phone sex will be electric.

Chastity devices prevent the wearer from receiving sexual pleasure. Chastity cages are designed for penises and are available at most sex toy retailers, and the more flexible options can be safely worn for long periods of time. Most of them allow the wearer to use the bathroom even when they’re locked in, so you can instruct your sub to stay in their cage all day. Chastity belt options for folks with vulvas are fairly limited, but I found some hot options on Etsy (just be aware that you won’t be able to pee while wearing one of these and plan accordingly).

Send Snail Mail

We’re in the midst of a pandemic, so it’s not the best time time to mail your worn, wet underwear your your long-distance darling. That said, receiving any form of mail that’s not a bill feels exciting, especially right now, and there are plenty of other physical objects that can make your long-distance play feel a little more personal. Send your partner a sex toy from your local sex toy store. Tell them you want them to use while you watch on video chat. Mail your sub a collar. Send lingerie or leather or latex and demand a photo shoot. Handwrite erotica. Make something that fulfills a roleplay fantasy (perhaps your student needs a report card?).

Let Someone Else Do The Work

Sex workers have been hit hard by Covid-19. The risk of infection has made in-person work dangerous for sex workers and their clients, and many people in the sex industry don’t qualify for unemployment or other government relief funds. Now is the time to pay sex workers for their expertise! Buy your partner an online domination session. Purchase a video clip from your favorite domme’s website or OnlyFans page. You’ll be supporting a worker whose livelihood is in jeopardy, and you’ll be getting hot content in return (and if you have extra dollars to spare, donate to your local sex worker relief fund or SWOP chapter).

Plan for Your Kinky Future

Long-distance power play is possible, but you can’t exactly fulfill someone’s kidnapping fantasy while remaining six feet away. When social distancing no longer keeps you and your partner apart, what do you want to do to each other? Create a kinky wish list of spankings and rope bondage and play parties. Looking forward to future exploits might help you stay grounded while you wait for the world to be closer to normal. We have no idea when that will be, but at least we can stay wet while we wait.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sexual healing

– using lockdown to ignite desire

Home truths: sex boosts our mood and increases feelings of connection.

This could be the perfect time for couples to boost their sex life

By Karen Gurney

For many of us right now, sex couldn’t be further from our minds. Our usual routines have been turned upside down and the way we are living can be challenging for even the most harmonious of relationships. But what if we viewed this time as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to reset and refresh our sex lives?

The fact that sex isn’t a priority for a large proportion of people fits with findings from sex research along with, well, common sense. Stress and anxiety are known to reduce our sexual desire and a preoccupation with the news, our finances, the health of our loved ones, or how much is in our store cupboards, can understandably slow the wheels of our sex life to a standstill.

But for some of us, the opposite happens. Sex boosts our mood and increases our feelings of connection and wellbeing. Some people are motivated to have sex to relieve stress or find that they naturally feel more sexual in times of fear and anxiety, so for them desire might be on the up and an important means of coping.

For the good of your relationship, it’s worth considering whether you know how each of you relates to sex in times of stress and make this knowledge explicit. How does dramatic change affect the libidos of you and your partner? What if one of you sees a rise and the other a fall in sexual appetite in the next few months? How can you manage this discrepancy? Research shows again and again that it’s not the difference that can be damaging, but the lack of discussion and acknowledgement around it.

It’s also useful to know a little bit about how desire actually works. We have been socialised to understand sexual desire as a drive, a feeling you have out of the blue. It’s true that many of us experience these feelings – and more so in the early years of a relationship – but this is certainly not the only way to experience desire, and definitely not the most common way in a long-term relationship.

Every day of the week I see evidence of the 34% of women and 15% of men in the UK with concerns about their lessening interest in sex as they arrive at my clinic for counselling. The truth about desire is that we don’t truly understand how it operates and, if we did, we’d manage our sex lives very differently indeed.

This is the opportunity we have ahead of us right now and some of us may be in the right headspace to take advantage of it.

It’s important to know that in long-term relationships, many people don’t ever feel like sex out of the blue, but instead need to have their desire triggered. These are the people who say to me in therapy: “I never feel like having sex, but when we do it’s great and I say to my partner, we should do this more often!” This is a normal manifestation of desire in a long-term relationship and not feeling like it from the outset shouldn’t be something to worry about.

Our societal expectations of desire have trickled down from the findings of sex science in the middle of the last century, as pioneers such as Alfred Kinsey, and Masters and Johnson made headlines with the study of human sexuality and how sex “worked”.

In sex research, the popular view of the time was that desire came first, before our bodies become aroused. When I speak to my clients for therapy, I hear the practical legacy of this societal understanding: “We don’t kiss passionately other than as part of sex”; “I never feel like it so I avoid going to bed at the same time as him/her so he/she doesn’t get the wrong idea.”

Over the decades, attitudes and understanding have progressed and we know now that sexual desire is a more complex process. Often we can start from a position that isn’t triggered by sexual longing alone, but other factors – think “stress relief” or “wanting to feel connected” or even “wanting to feel like it”. This motivation – which is neither a sex drive nor unbridled lust – encourages us to either make advances, or be open to advances in the right circumstances. Only once there is sexual stimuli – such as a passionate kiss – might desire then make an appearance. This means we’re often instinctively doing the very opposite of what our desire might need, and curtailing any opportunity we have to trigger it.

When I talk through these newer understandings of desire with my clients, it can be a complete game changer. Not only do they realise that they are not broken, but they understand that the way they have been managing their sex lives is all wrong.

Waiting to feel like it in the context of a busy life when you only have half an hour alone together a day and you’re both exhausted, does not constitute “the right circumstances” and is very unlikely to work anyhow. All the elements that we rely on to fuel sexual desire, such as novelty, a lack of pressure that “A must lead to B” and a lack of predictability, make it even more challenging in long-term relationships. Challenging, but not in the slightest bit impossible.

Another danger is to assume that sex should be the last thing on our minds at the moment, with so much else to worry about. Even though it is viewed in our society as a frivolous recreational pursuit, it is anything but. Sex meets psychological and relational needs, and sexual satisfaction has been shown to boost mood, self-esteem and wellbeing.

A good sex life has also been shown to act as a buffer against a drop in relationship satisfaction – and I think we can all agree that feeling connected to our partners and experiencing improved psychological wellbeing are important right now.

In this sense, there is no better time for many couples to nourish their desire. Long-term monogamous relationships bring with them the most challenges for maintaining desire – especially for women – and there are many reasons for this. One is the dilution of our roles as sexual partners by the prevalence of other less sexy roles, such as being housemates or co-parents.

Many of us currently find ourselves suddenly seeing an increase in the amount of childcare in our day, or by the introduction of a new role at home together – as work colleagues. These changes are necessary and temporary, but risk the squeezing out of any time we might have left to relate to each other as sexual partners.

There are two ways we can respond to this. One is to increase the moments in the day we relate to each other as sexual partners, which I call “sexual currency”. Sexual currency can be defined as anything that’s not “sex”, but you would only do with a partner. It might look like a five-second lingering kiss rather than a peck on the cheek, a suggestive glance, a compliment, an unexpected touch as you pass each other in the kitchen. Sexual currency not only marks out and reminds you both of your role as sexual partners, but can also be a stepping stone to a natural transition to more sexual ground, should you wish to head in that direction. Sexual currency is also, of course, a trigger for desire.

The second change you could make is thinking about how you spend the time you have together. Research tells us that couples who engage in challenging, exciting or fun activities together have more desire than couples who spend that time doing something else (think Netflix). This means that swapping one of those evenings watching TV to cook something elaborate together, play a game or even planning where you’ll go when you can finally travel again, could be just what you need to feel connected sexually.

Only you can know whether this time is fertile ground for your sex life or not – and whether you use these weeks to nurture it, or put it on hold. One thing is for sure – your sex life is unlikely to be unaffected by the strange and difficult times we find ourselves in

Dr Karen’s top three tips for boosting desire

Stop Faking It Faking orgasms reinforces the sexual scripts we currently have available to us by creating the illusion that women are just as satisfied by the way sex is happening as men are. Faking it also affirms the false belief held by society that most women can come from penetrative sex.

Plan time for each other The mistake many couples make is waiting for desire to emerge without doing anything to encourage it, so no desire emerges. The key thing here is that having a good sex life is not always about needing to be on the same page, or wanting as much sex as your partner, but the success with which you navigate these differences.

Plan time for yourself Masturbation provides a great opportunity for people to enjoy their sexuality outside of a relationship, connect with their sexuality, know what works for them, and trigger arousal and desire.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Dating in Captivity

Go ahead and reinstall Tinder in self-isolation. Or, if that doesn’t work, join a virtual sext bunker.

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Some things about the human spirit persist, even in crisis: namely, our hunger for one another. Lauren, an editor in Austin, started seeing someone a month ago, and by date three, they’d declared their exclusivity — dating only each other and hanging out in close quarters only with each other — largely expedited by the desire to keep their coronavirus-exposure pool small. “My criteria has totally changed,” Lauren explains of dating in the time of COVID-19. “All the bullshit you kind of go for usually — none of that fuckboy stuff is going to cut it.”

It’s a different sort of contract now. “It’s like, can he play cards (yes), can he bake bread (yes), does he take social distancing seriously?,” she explains. Already, they have settled into the worn-in part of a relationship. They go on walks and hikes and drive to each other’s houses while they still can. “I don’t know how it would work necessarily in New York,” she tells me, sad for me here in the city. “There’s this jokey but real undertone now, like, ‘Oh yeah, better wash your hands after you go to the grocery store. You’ll compromise this union.’ But I’m actually pretty serious, I guess. He sent me a picture from the grocery store, and it was clear he wasn’t six feet from someone. And I actually felt, like, momentarily betrayed. I was like, Hmm, if he’s doing that, like, what else isn’t he doing?”

COVID-19 is like the trip-to-Ikea litmus test for relationships: Some fizzle at the prospect; some, like Lauren’s, are successfully put on a fast track; and some just cement their digital-fuck-buddy status. The dating app Hinge found that 70 percent of its members would be happy to start digitally dating, while Tinder is making its Passport function free — now you can swipe all around the world, because, if we’re all stuck at home, it doesn’t matter where the digi-dick is coming from. And if it’s just about sex from a distance, the cam site Imlive.com reports an uptick in both visitors and model sign-ups. Sex-party organizers have started using Zoom to replicate orgies, and I’ve gotten more than one invitation to Zoom-based masturbate-a-thons.

Friends have their own anecdotes about figuring out FaceTime sex while quarantined at their parents’ house, about which vibrators they’re buying (the Lelo Sona Clitoral Massager), and about how they’re discovering new things their sex partners are into. (One was surprised by her younger boyfriend’s preference for butt play, a conversation that ended with him shaving his asshole for her over FaceTime.)

Feeld, a nonmonogamous dating app, created three virtual locations where self-isolating members can meet virtually. That was barely a week ago, and already they are the app’s most popular locations — ahead of New York and London. I’m now a Sext Bunker citizen. One recent morning, I woke up to messages from a man asking me to watch him blow his load via FaceTime. I wasn’t opposed; I just prefer some more finesse at 9 a.m. But at least he was being safe.

You can’t fault anyone for trying. The libido isn’t just persevering in quarantine; it’s loudly insisting. Even our health officials know that in times of trouble people stay horny, and the question “But can I still have sex?” is top of mind. On March 21, the New York Department of Health released guidelines for sex during the COVID-19 crisis. Rimming and kissing are two ways the disease could be transmitted, the pamphlet instructs. It grants permission to have sex with someone you live with but otherwise suggests taking a break from in-person dates and even launches a poster-worthy slogan reminding us that “YOU are your safest sex partner.” Following the guidelines, I considered a new dildo, but Amazon deems it a nonessential item. It wouldn’t arrive until May. I did download the audio-erotica app Dipsea.

The prohibition is inarguably felt most by single people like me. Just when connecting feels the most urgent, when all the other life things that used to pull so much of my focus and keep me too busy to forge those connections have been silenced — the City has been put on pause, the news is too awful to pay close attention to — we’re forced to keep away. A woman I spoke to, Alexandra, had vowed celibacy for the year 2020 — she wanted to focus on her career, until, all of a sudden, she no longer had a career to focus on. Now she’s seeking romantic (well, sexual) connections via Lex, a dating app for queer women.

Like Alexandra and countless others, I’ve also taken to FaceTime dating. I redownloaded all the apps; I now have Hinge and Tinder and Bumble and Feeld on my phone. I changed my bio to indicate I was looking for distance connections and messaged a man I’d once met via Tinder who had moved to Paris before we could meet in real life. We started sharing photos of our lives in our apartments, and I’m certain I know where this is headed — his photos have become increasingly shirtless. I earnestly signed up for virtual speed dating through a service called Here/Now, and I look forward to the reason to put on hoops. When San Francisco announced a citywide shutdown, I took the opportunity to DM an ex-boyfriend. What else was he doing? Maybe now we’d reconnect and, when everything was over, get back together and — “Girl, it’s been like three days,” a concerned friend said. “Are we really at the DM-your-ex stage?

The apps aren’t as fruitful as you’d think, though. Rarely do conversations get past a few “What should we sync-watch on our date?” jokes before one or both parties wonder what the point is. And yet, it feels like a strangely fertile time to explore new ways of having relationships. Maybe, in this period of darkness, we’ll stumble upon an improvement on the way we dated before. Maybe the way we communicate about sex will be clearer and better than ever. Maybe every relationship will have the hazy-dusk glow of a summer-camp romance, when none of the rules or timelines of real life apply.

Around the time the DOH sex guidelines were released, I received a message from a man begging me to let him come over. He said he would walk from his apartment in Bushwick to mine in Fort Greene. “No cabs or subway,” he vowed. He promised to “wash his hands so good” if only I would just let him in the house for sex. I guess the guidelines were absolutely necessary.

Dating now requires a new set of skills. Phone sex necessitates a convincing auditory repartee, and video sex has its own mood-killing challenges. After days of building up anticipation via sexting with a potential partner, one friend ran into all sorts of hiccups when it was time for the big video-sex meeting. She struggled to get the angle of her iPad right, while he struggled to be quiet enough not to wake his kids. They gave up and just talked. Another friend shares a truly cautionary tale of a failed effort to spice up a flirty yet chaste chat: “I’d done the move that allowed the sweater to drop, exposing my bra. Things started to get hot and heavy. Clothes came off. I was pinching my own nipple, telling him all the ways I was gonna make up for lost time post-plague, head tilted back in ecstasy as he touches himself and the Wi-Fi flits in and out the faster he goes,” she says. “He’s about to come, and I ask him to come closer to the screen so I can watch … as my mom walks in asking if I want to finish a puzzle.”

Even relationships that were previously successfully virtual can be turned on their heads in the time of corona. Kelly didn’t have any misconceptions about her fling with a man in an open relationship she’d been sexting regularly. They’d met when she was on a solo trip around Canada and often met up for hotel hookups. When they couldn’t, they exchanged tons of hot, satisfying sexts to completion. When it became clear she wasn’t leaving her house anytime soon, she reached out to him.

“The coronavirus is making me super-horny, like during wartime,” he wrote.

“Yeah,” Kelly wrote back. “It’s definitely made me relieved to know that we have this arrangement in place.”

“And that’s when he broke it to me,” she said. Now that he was home, and not traveling, he was overextended, managing sexting relationships with several other women internationally, all isolated and looking to tap into his services.

“My girlfriend is struggling to handle the load,” he texted her. To which Kelly replied, “Pun intended?”

But then there are stories like Mabel’s, ones that feel like a Halley’s comet fairy tale of pandemic dating. Mabel met Kevin on Tinder the second week of March, and by the time they were supposed to go on their first date, neither of them was leaving the house for work, so no way was it ethical to do so for a date. They agreed to FaceTime. She put on pants — actual outside-the-home pants — and did her hair and makeup. They FaceTimed for four hours over drinks (he, tequila with lime and strawberry; she, a black-cherry White Claw).

At some point, Kevin told Mabel, “You know, this is the part of the date where I’d normally ask if you want to make out.” The sexual tension was so intense they pondered their second date: Could they meet in the park if they stayed six feet apart? No, they’d probably mount each other immediately. Instead, they had a Saturday-night dinner. They shared their addresses, and each ordered food to be delivered to the other’s apartment at 6:30 p.m. She got him a Thai feast (appetizers, drinks, a main. “I liked him,” she says, a shrug in her voice). He sent her Mediterranean. They had another four-hour date. Again they talked about meeting each other; again they decided they couldn’t.

Kevin told Mabel about his roommate, who was still going out to hook up with people he met on the apps — willing to risk it all just to get laid during the pandemic. It was frustrating, so they talked about their frustrations, which led to an open conversation about their past sex lives. One day, during a spontaneous call before their third date, things got hotter. They spoke for a long time, then switched to text. Mabel noticed Kevin was making a lot of typos. “Don’t worry, I realize it’s hard to type with one hand if the other’s busy,” she joked. The joke turned into sexting, which quickly moved to phone sex, which abruptly had to transition back to sexting because Mabel has roommates. Even still, she assures me, they both got theirs and are exploring a healthy sext routine as part of their … whatever this is.

The other day, Kevin asked her for something truly wild. Not video sex. Instead, he said, “What if in order to be socially responsible but still see each other, we just move in together for two weeks and quarantine ourselves together?”

Mabel hadn’t watched Love Is Blind, but it’s wild to think that the show came out pre-pandemic. Its creators somehow seemed to know we’d all soon be considering love in a pod, as a reasonable way for two (or more) people to create something emotionally long-lasting (by reality-TV standards, anyhow). Though, in some ways, the millennial demographic was primed long before that. I spent hours of my life, from ages 12 through 17, on AIM, and in chat rooms, and doing weird sex stuff in chat rooms. Some of my first sexual experiences were purely digital. Hell, the first song I recognized as a fuck-track was ’N Sync’s “Digital Get Down,” which no bat-mitzvah DJ would play when I requested.

Mabel is deliberating Kevin’s offer. “The good thing is I like him,” she muses. “There’s a deeper connection. We have a more emotional base before we dive into the more physical stuff. But what if I’ve built him up in my head? What if this is a fantasy? What if he’s actually a bad kisser?

“Maybe after a few more FaceTime dates,” she continues. “I mean, it’d be kind of fun to just move in with him for two weeks and have a lot of sex and be in the honeymoon phase

A few days days after our call, I got an email from Mabel. “Kevin and I decided to go for it,” she wrote. “There are so many reasons why we shouldn’t do this, but amidst all the uncertainty, fear, I want to lean into the things I know to be good. Extraordinary circumstances, you know?”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why couples are having less sex during the pandemic

— and what they can do to change it

By Kristyn Martin

“Not a human being on this planet is built for 24/7 with somebody else,” says anthropologist Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute. (Photo illustration by Nathalie Cruz, Yahoo Life)

Studies show that couples are having less sex during the pandemic, even though experts say the health benefits of sex are exactly what is needed during these stressful times.

The Kinsey Institute released a study called “Sex and Relationships in the Time of COVID-19” showing that half of the 1,200 participants are having less sex since the pandemic began.

“There’s all this rhetoric around, everyone’s watching more porn and everyone’s buying more sex toys and then there’s going to be this baby boom,” Isharna Walsh, founder and CEO of the sex and intimacy app Coral, tells Yahoo Life.

“But I think the reality of what we’re seeing from the surveys and polls that we’re running is that people are having less sex and they’re masturbating less, but they feel that it’s even more important,” she says.

In an April survey of 700 users, Coral found that 66 percent of respondents say intimacy and connection feels more important since the start of the pandemic, but 38 percent say they are having sex less often. Walsh describes tension in many relationships right now during the pandemic, with new sources of stress that she describes as “a pressure cooker.” 

“There’s no space from our partner and spaces are often what creates that desire and eroticism. We don’t get to see our partner from afar in this current context. So a lot of people are struggling with desire,” she says. 

Helen Fisher, a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and the chief scientific adviser to dating site Match.com, says the realities of spending so much time with a significant other during the pandemic is simply not natural. She tells Yahoo Life that for millions of years, couples lived in hunter and gatherer groups where the men would go on hunting expeditions and be gone for several days in a row. 

“We were not built for 24/7, she says,” “Even in the finest of relationships, you’re going to need to alter your daily habits in various ways that meet this crisis,” she says.

Our @kinseyinstitute research finds that many people are reporting declines in their sex life & relationship right now, but some are reporting improvements. People are more likely to report improvement to the extent that they tried new sexual activities. https://t.co/WIxpHgd4l3

— Justin Lehmiller (@JustinLehmiller) May 5, 2020

She and her boyfriend found a solution to this problem.

Every day, they come up with a schedule for the day: “We set a schedule. We have our safe spaces. We know when we’re going to work. We know when we’re going to play. And, we know when we’re going to make love,” she says.

Even before the pandemic, Fisher and her boyfriend employed this sort of schedule. She says the routine – and the respect of each other’s time and boundaries — has helped them to navigate. “When I have to walk within three feet of him to go to the kitchen or various other things, I never look at him. I never talk to him. If I want to ask him a question, I say, ‘Sweetie, can I interrupt you for a minute?’”

And then when the time comes to be together, Fisher says it’s more exciting.

“You just can’t be spontaneous right now under the circumstances,” says Chris Kraft, director of clinical services at the Johns Hopkins University. He says that as the pandemic nears the two-month mark, couples who initially enjoyed being together during the stay-at-home orders tell him that things are changing.

“They’re starting to feel very self-conscious about their body image, being healthy, being active, not working out,” he says. “I’m seeing more of that become preventative to intimacy and being sexual for some longer-term couples in the epidemic.”

He says stress and anxiety often decreases sexual desire, especially for women. “Very few women turn to being sexual when they’re stressed,” he says. “The stress and the increased anxiety, frustrations, isolation factors are probably harder on female members of a couple as far as affecting their desire.”

And if a couple is raising children, Kraft says sex is a real challenge. His advice: plan, plan, plan.

“I’ve got a couple of couples that’ll be intimate early in the morning because the kids aren’t really up. In fact, earlier in the day is a better time to be sexual than later, after they were tired and worn down from a day,” he says.

Walsh says the most important thing for couples to realize during the pandemic is that sex is critical to wellness. 

“Right now, especially when we’re surrounded by health concerns and potentially death, intimacy can feel like an indulgence and pleasure might feel like a priority that doesn’t make sense, but it’s incredibly important for physical and mental health.”

Fisher agrees.

“We’ve evolved three distinctly different brain systems for mating and reproduction. One is the sex drive. The second is feelings of intense romantic love, and the third is feelings of deep attachment,” she says. “When you actually get in bed with somebody and have sex with somebody, you can stimulate all three of these basic brain systems … and they’re all very good for you.”

How good? Really good.

Fisher says the benefits of regular sex with someone you love increases energy, focus, motivation and optimism, increases pain threshold, boosts the immune system, is good for heart rate, respiration, blood pressure, promotes sleep, lowers the stress hormone cortisol, increases dopamine (associated with feelings of intense romantic love) and elevates mood. “The reason that it elevates mood is because in seminal fluid are all kinds of chemicals that are very good for the brain,” she says.

“And with orgasm, there’s a real flood of oxytocin and vasopressin. Oxytocin is associated with feelings of trust and attachment.”

Fisher says catastrophes like the pandemic push people to assess their relationships and make decisions. “Sex is a very central part of most relationships. If it’s bad, it will get worse. And if it’s good, it will get better.”

Walsh says the Coral app has seen a 60 percent spike in new users in April. She says the app, which includes exercises for partners to increase intimacy, is one way to consciously cultivate and work on our sex lives. 

“I think people are thinking about their relationships. They’re recognizing the value of their relationships,  and they’re now thinking more about ‘How do I invest in this?’ ‘How do I improve it?’” says Walsh. “I think giving permission to prioritize it is really important.”

Here are expert tips to boost intimacy during the pandemic:

  • Continuity:  Kraft says having sex regularly is critical. “I think the sweet spot is once a week if people can maintain it.” But Dr. Fisher says studies she’s conducted show both men and women believe having sex two to three times per week is ideal.
  • Plan to have sex: “If you don’t have kids or you’ve got the opportunity to get rid of the kids for the night to the grandparents — have a date night. Get dressed up, you look nice, you make an effort to turn all of the devices off and set a mood, to delineate intimate time from everyday time,” says Walsh. Kraft says having planned times for intimacy can also create something to look forward to and can help build desire.
  • Create intimacy: Kraft recommends creating a space to be together in circumstances that might lead to intimacy. “Maybe it’s a walk, maybe it’s laying and cuddling or massaging and just sort of connecting in bed … and then let that grow,” he says. Walsh recommends a massage or a bath together with candles. “Something where you can create a bit of space where the pressure is off to allow both people to opt in to coming together in a sensual setting,” she says.
  • Self-care: “Self-care is crucial to manage stress and anxiety,” says Kraft. He recommends meditation, exercise, connecting with friends and family and being playful with each other.
  • Communicate: Some of the big things that people fight about in relationships are money, children, in-laws and sex. “And if you are in a relationship where you fight about sex, this lockdown is going to be probably more difficult because you don’t have any excuses,” says Dr. Fisher.  Dr. Kraft agrees: “Bottom line is that the emphasis always needs to be on the communication, the talking, checking in about the sex life,” he says. “Because it really has to be done as a team. … It can’t be one person trying to drive at all,” he says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Happy Masturbation Month 2020!

It’s May!

It’s National Masturbation Month!
YES darling, there is such a thing.

masturbaion month

Tra la! It’s May!
The lusty month of May!
That darling month when ev’ryone throws
Self-control away.
It’s time to do
A wretched thing or two,
And try to make each precious day
One you’ll always rue!
It’s May! It’s May!
The month of “yes you may,”
The time for ev’ry frivolous whim,
Proper or “im.”
It’s wild! It’s gay!
A blot in ev’ry way.
The birds and bees with all of their vast
Amorous past
Gaze at the human race aghast,
The lusty month of May.
— Alan Jay Lerner

 

GO AHEAD Squeeze one out! Diddle yourself senseless!

It’s the patriotic thing to do.

Let’s All MASTURBATE!

jillin off life is too shortowes me money

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How Stress Can Impact Your Sex Life


By Rachel Shatto

If you’ve always had a fairly healthy sex drive, but lately you feel like desire’s the last thing on your mind, there could be one factor putting the kibosh on your libido: stress. Let’s face it, these days it feels like there’s constantly a reason to feel stressed out. Maybe it’s the pressure at work or school, or the news headlines, or family issues. Whatever the case may be, how stress impacts your sex life is that it can be a real mood killer, says Dr. Logan Levkoff, a sexuality and relationships expert. “Stress can definitely affect your sex life, because desire is greatly impacted by our emotional and mental states,” she tells Elite Daily. Over time, this can even create a self-perpetuating cycle, she warns. “Unsatisfying sex can cause us stress and stress causes unsatisfying sex (or little desire),” Dr. Levkoff says.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to stay that way forever. Even though you may feel like it now, you’re not powerless in the battle between sex and your sex drive. But the first step is understanding just how stress is impacting your libido. Then you’ll have a better idea of how to address and lessen its impact.

How Stress Impacts Your Sex Life.

One of the main ways in which stress affects your sex life is that it increases your emotional needs, while deceasing your sexual ones, as sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr tells Elite Daily. “Stress introduces extra needs that may not have been present or important before — emotional needs to be reassured, to feel safe amid the turmoil, to be heard about our struggles, to be gotten and understood,” she says. The one thing we need most in times of stress, Fehr explains. is a sense of connection and to be safe. We need to feel as though we’re not in the struggle alone. However, the problem is that, all too often, rather than voice those needs to our partner we turn inward. “Here’s the paradox,” says Fehr. “Stress makes us bottle it up and not allow their partner to see or witness how worried, stressed, or scared they are. Stress makes us share our needs less and has us go without having our needs met. All of this creates a wall between partners — a wall that they can’t penetrate emotionally and sexually.” This, in turn, leads us to feel more isolated and less sexual desire, according to Fehr.

There’s also a biological factor in the way that desire is suppressed by stress, adds Dr. Levkoff. “Stress can impact and decrease desire… and increase the production of cortisol. Cortisol is a hormone that, in excess amounts, decreases the production of sex hormones,” she explains.

The impact of prolonged stress can be felt throughout the entire body, Fehr says. “It affects every system in the body, including the brain, nerves, pituitary, adrenal, kidney, blood vessels, thyroid, liver, blood vessels, and the interrelations between them. As a result, the body mounts a stress response,” she explains. “Here, blood and energy are diverted to big organs and muscles that will help you outrun the threat or fight it — and away from desire and sex drive.” In other words, stress takes up a lot of your physical and mental energy, leaving you little left over to engage with your partner sexually.

When combined with the emotional and physical impacts, it’s little surprise that stress has such a profound effect on your sex drive.

What To Do About It.

The good news is that you’re not powerless in all of this. While eliminating all stress from your life is next to impossible, you can mitigate some of its effects, says Fehr, by addressing the emotional aspect first, by recognizing and expressing your nonsexual needs to your partner, rather than continuing to hold them back. “Getting your needs met is the key to wanting to be with your partner,” she explains. “It can be as simple as asking your partner for undivided attention as you share with them about what’s bothering you or your fears. It could be asking for extra-long hugs because they help you feel reassured,” she suggests. Another thing that can help, shares Fehr, can be simply letting your partner know that you need more space to address the causes of your stress. “Needs are individual and are appropriate to the situation. Only you will know what you need,” says Fehr. “Admitting your needs to your partner requires vulnerability and emotional risk, and it’s this vulnerability that will actually fulfill the needs of closeness that we need during stress to bring us back into desire with our partners and sex,” she concludes.

Dr. Levkoff emphasizes that there’s no magic cure in this situation; it’s more of a process. “However, recognizing that we’re entitled to sexual pleasure and fulfillment and prioritizing our needs — emotional and physical — during stressful times is a start,” Levkoff explains. Most important, she stresses, is that you should be kind to yourself through the process, and not to criticize or be hard on yourself, as that actually can stall your progress.

While life probably won’t be getting any less stressful anytime soon, the good news is that you don’t have to settle for a sex life that’s less than satisfying as a result. Solving this issue might take making yourself more emotionally vulnerable with your partner and doing a lot of self-reflection, but it’s something that you can both get through. At least that’s one less thing to be stressed about.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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5 ways to be more sexually confident

Many of us will go through periods of feeling insecure in bed. A sexologist shares her tips for boosting your sexual prowess.

by Anya Meyerowitz

Having sex for the first time is nerve wracking but it isn’t the only time when the thought of sex can feel daunting. Many of us will go through periods of abstinence later in our lives and the thought of engaging in sexual activity again can spark feelings of insecurity.

There are a variety of reasons why someone might have experienced an extended amount of time without having sex (divorce, a breakup, the loss of a loved one, or difficulty meeting the right person) and often by the time we get round to having sex again it feels as if we are back to square one with our sexual confidence.

Here, we speak to Dr Valeria Chuba, PhD, MS, ACS, a board certified clinical sexologist and a certified intimacy coach. She helps her clients overcome sexual shame and anxiety, achieve sexual confidence, and create pleasure-filled intimate relationships. She is the creator and host of the Get Sex-Smart podcast, which offers expert information and guidance to listeners around the world.

“Finding that special spark with a new partner can often take a long time,” Dr Chuba explains. “Regardless of the reasons why we may find ourselves without a lover, when the time comes to get back into the groove, most of us experience feelings of fear, anxiety and low self-confidence.”

So to help anyone who is feeling less than empowered about the idea of a new sexual encounter, we asked Dr Chuba to give us some practical advice on how to feel less nervous and more confident when starting a new sexual relationship.

Learn from the past

Each new relationship offers a promising beginning, which means an opportunity to do things differently and better than before. “Now is the perfect time to look back at your past sexual experiences,” Dr Chuba advises.

“What were some of the things that worked well (or didn’t work) in your intimate relationships? What partners were the most memorable, and why? What would you like to do differently this time around? For example, would you speak up more about your need for sensual foreplay, or share more of your sexual imagination with your partner? Getting clarity around your needs and boundaries will help you start a new sexual relationship in a more proactive way, which in turn will help you feel more safe and grounded.”

What partners were the most memorable, and why?

Know what gives you pleasure

“As a sexologist, I often tell my clients that masturbation is the foundation for partner sex,” says Dr Chuba.

“The more you know about what turns you on and helps you experience pleasure and orgasm, the better you’ll be able to share these things with your partner, leading to a more positive intimate experience.”

The more you know about what turns you on and helps you experience pleasure and orgasm, the better.

Reacquainting yourself with your body in this way will help you to first accept and then to gain confidence when it comes to being with someone else. It’s easy to forget the positive things about our body when we are feeling insecure and focusing on the parts we don’t like as much.

“If you are new to self pleasure or just want to broaden your sexual repertoire, sex-positive books like Come As You Are or fun and instructional sex ed DVDs will both inform you and spark your sensuality. It’s important to note that you should always consider seeking professional help for specific sexual concerns, like trouble experiencing orgasm with a partner, early ejaculation, erectile difficulties, or performance anxiety. Working with a sex-positive, compassionate professional can be a huge boost to your sexual confidence.”

Communication is key

“I often tell my clients that they should begin a new relationship as they mean to go on; and good communication is a big part of any successful sexual relationship,” says Dr Chuba.

“There are few things more attractive in a lover than the confidence to speak up about his or her needs and desires, and the ability to listen to his or her partner. Speaking up improves your chances of getting what you want from your sexual relationship; and being accepting of your partner will make him or her feel special and appreciated. Either way, you will come across as a generous and thoughtful lover, which is sure to boost your self-confidence.”

Speaking up improves your chances of getting what you want from your sexual relationship.

Focus on pleasure and not performance

Whenever we begin a new relationship, especially after a long time without partner sex, we tend to feel anxious about things like our attractiveness; our size, shape and weight; and how well we will ‘perform’ during sex.

“This mindset keeps us caught up in our heads and disconnected both from our bodies and pleasure, and from our lovers and the process of lovemaking. Whenever you feel yourself getting caught up in performance pressure, focus instead on your body sensations. Breathe deeply and if need be, slow down. Pay attention to how things feel as opposed to how perfect you appear to be. As a bonus, a lover who is focused on pleasure and sensuality comes off as a lot more empowered and confident than someone who is insecure about their ‘performance’.”

Have a sense of humour

Sex can be complicated and intimidating at the best of times, let alone when we’ve been celibate for an extended period. Because of this, we tend to forget that at its core, sex is about connection, pleasure and fun. And since partner sex happens between bodies, it can also be a messy, embarrassing and unintentionally hilarious experience. Using this as a point of connection with your lover, rather than something to be ashamed of, can help you lighten things up. Chances are your partner is also feeling nervous, so bonding lightheartedly over your shared anxiety and the absurdity of it all can be both relaxing and very, very sexy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Heteroflexible Means

& How To Know If It Applies To You

By Kim Wong-Shing

Up to 15% of the U.S. population may identify as heteroflexible, according to a 2020 study. That’s more than the number of gay, lesbian, and bisexual people combined. But to many people, this identity is still a mystery. Here’s what it truly means to be heteroflexible and how to figure out whether this label applies to you.

In a nutshell, heteroflexible means “mostly straight.” The term refers to people who are mostly attracted to the “opposite” gender but are also open to same-gender experiences. Because heteroflexible people are not entirely straight, they fall onto the LGBTQIA+ spectrum of sexual and romantic identity. (On the queer-women-focused dating app Her, for example, “heteroflexible” is one of the sexual identities that users can choose from.) Both women and men can identify as heteroflexible or mostly straight.

“Heteroflexible is still a very new term and can refer to a wide range of behaviors, thoughts, and feelings,” Jor-El Caraballo, LMHC, therapist and co-founder of Viva Wellness in New York City, tells mbg. People who identify as heteroflexible may experience a range of same-gender desires or behaviors, including sex, flirting, kissing, crushes, or fantasies—all while being mostly attracted to the other gender. That said, the meaning of heteroflexibility is subjective; there’s not just one way to be heteroflexible.

Heteroflexible vs. bisexual.

“Bisexual” refers to someone who is attracted to people of their own gender as well as other genders. If you think that sounds somewhat similar to being heteroflexible, you’re not wrong. The terms “heteroflexible” and “bisexual” can describe similar experiences, and some people even identify as both. Like all sexual identities, both of these words are subjective. Their meanings are nuanced and often have more to do with evolving popular usage than strict dictionary definitions.

Bisexual and heteroflexible are separate, coexisting identities. Many people do feel drawn to one label over the other, and which identity is more “accurate” for a particular person is ultimately up to that individual. “For each person it will be different,” psychotherapist Todd Baratz, LMHC, tells mbg. “Ultimately, this is a subjective experience. Some don’t want to commit to one label or feel more comfort and congruence with another.” 

Linguistically speaking, heteroflexible and bisexual are very different-sounding words. The word heteroflexible has the term “hetero” front and center, which may appeal to people who feel tied to their straight or mostly straight identity. By contrast, the word bisexual doesn’t contain “hetero” at all. This may appeal to those for whom same-gender attraction is a more central part of their identities. 

In the end, “we have to become more curious” about why people pick specific labels rather than trying to prescribe them, Baratz says. Caraballo agrees, adding, “It’s really important to listen to not only what terms people use to label themselves but also what it means for them.”

How to know if you’re heteroflexible.

In some ways, it’s great that identities like heteroflexible don’t have strict definitions—it means that the term is expansive enough to fit a range of people’s experiences. But also, this can make life confusing for not-straight folks. If there’s not a strict definition of heteroflexible, then how do you know whether you’re heteroflexible or not?

“There isn’t usually a ‘how to do sexual orientation,'” Baratz explains. “People explore and experiment.” Only you can decide whether you identify with this word. 

Here are some clues that you may fall into the heteroflexible category:

  1. You’re mostly into the opposite gender, but you’ve been attracted to the same gender once or twice in the past.
  2. You only seriously date people of the opposite gender, but you sometimes like to “have fun” with the same gender.
  3. You’re happy being straight, but you’re curious about experimenting sexually or romantically with people of the same gender.
  4. You’re happy being straight, but you’ve tried being with someone of the same gender and enjoyed it.
  5. You don’t completely rule out being with someone who shares your gender, but you’d only do so in special circumstances.
  6. The idea of never being with the same gender makes you feel like you’d be missing out on an important experience.
  7. Or, conversely, being with the same gender is something you could take or leave—a recreational activity, not a necessity.
  8. Terms like “bisexual” or “queer” don’t feel like they fully capture who you are.

The history of heteroflexibility.

The term “heteroflexible” first appeared in slang used by college students in the early 2000s, according to Merriam-Webster. The term derives from “heterosexual,” which originated in the 19th century alongside its counterpart “homosexual.” (The term “homoflexible” also exists for those who identify as mostly gay.)

While the term “heteroflexible” is new, being mostly straight is definitely not a recent phenomenon. “This kind of flexibility has existed as long as sexuality has, so it’s not really a new idea per se,” Caraballo says. The labels “gay” and “straight” have never been enough to fully capture the wide range of human sexual experience. In 1948, Alfred Kinsey developed the Kinsey scale to more accurately reflect this range. The scale goes from 0 for “exclusively heterosexual” to 6 for “exclusively homosexual.” That leaves numbers 2 through 5 to represent everyone who’s somewhere in between, which, it turns out, is many people. Years of research, dating all the way back to Kinsey’s original studies, have found that many people who self-identify as straight also report same-sex romantic or sexual behaviors. This is true for both men and women.

In more recent years, being heteroflexible or mostly straight has evolved into its own identity, with many personal essays and books on the topic. A 2015 report found that half of people between 18 and 24 years old say they’re “not 100% straight.” Moreover, this trend seems to be on the rise in younger generations. A 2016 survey found that only 48% of Generation Z identifies as completely straight, compared to 65% of millennials.

Debates and controversy over the term heteroflexible.

Given that sexual fluidity has existed for such a long time, the rise of the word “heteroflexible” to accurately describe this fluidity has proved useful to many folks, particularly those who identify with the label. But not everyone is supportive of this new identity. “I think that any time someone finds new, uncommon language, there is a pushback,” Caraballo says.

One popular criticism holds that identifying as heteroflexible is biphobic. Biphobia often comes in the form of erasure, wherein bisexual people get excluded, invalidated, or made invisible. This is a major problem even within the LGBTQIA+ community. For example, many people mistakenly believe that bisexuality isn’t a “real” sexual orientation. Bisexual women are often presumed to be straight, while bisexual men are often presumed to be gay.

Some people believe that identifying as heteroflexible rather than bisexual is just another way to avoid validating bisexuality as a real experience. However, just because these two terms have some overlap in meaning doesn’t mean that they’re exactly the same. There are other words that people who fall into the dictionary definition of “bisexual” choose to use instead, including pansexual, queer, fluid, and polysexual. Each of these words comes with its own distinct, nuanced meaning, and people who identify with these words often do so because they feel like home, not necessarily because they have anything against being bi.

“I think that largely people use language ultimately that is both comfortable and familiar to them,” Caraballo says. Baratz agrees, adding, “Oftentimes people don’t feel as if they fit into any category, and the label becomes the default language they use to communicate to others.”

Sexual fluidity isn’t going anywhere—so the more words we can use for our experiences, the better. As heteroflexible identity becomes more popular, it also becomes more widely embraced, by both straight and queer people alike. “While there are folks in the queer community who don’t accept all of their LGBTQIA+ family, the majority do,” Baratz says. “Over time it is likely that people will be given more and more permission to self-define and/or identify as they please.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 Books That Will Help You Score Better Sex

By Theresa Gonzalez

There’s still so much stigma around the topic of sex but these authors don’t shy away from every detail you need to know to score the best kind. From breaking down the science behind it to illustrating ALL the positions, these books will help you and your partner understand more about what it is you’re doing, how to build more intimacy and ultimately have a little more fun in the hay. Enjoy!

Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Dr. Emily Nagoski

Scientists are learning more about how women’s sexuality works and Come as You Are explains it all. One nugget: we all have our own sexuality, like fingerprints, plus learn to understand how stress, mood, trust, and body image are central to a woman’s sexual well-being and how to influence these factors for better sex.

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

NYC couples therapist Esther Perel, a respected voice on “erotic intelligence,” goes into how to keep sexual desire sustainable when you’re in a long-term relationship/married. Perel’s witty, wise and straightforward advice made this one an international bestseller.

A Curious History of Sex by Kate Lister

Based on the popular research behind her Whores of Yore project, Kate Lister uses humor and a sharp wit to write about the history of sex, debunking myths, challenging stereotypes and making you wonder has anything really changed?

The Little Book of Sex by Joanna Gray

This little book doesn’t take sex too seriously, making it a fun read with fun tips (with a little Karma Sutra thrown in) for you and your partner.

Cosmo’s Sexy Sutra

Cosmopolitan has never been shy about the topic of sex and here the editors have put together a guide of sex positions and hot tips to get you and your someone in the mood.

The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Wray Gregoire

Gregoire talks about the physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sex compared to our culture’s obsession on the more shallow aspects. Hear from other “good girls” on how to truly enjoy sex in marriage.

Bonk: The Curious Coupling of Science and Sex by Mary Roach

The best-selling author of Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers takes another hilarious and OMG look at the science behind making sex so much more satisfying. She answers all the questions: Can you think yourself to an orgasm? Why doesn’t Viagra help women? Is vaginal orgasm a myth? And more.

Position of the Day from Nerve.com

The title says it all: 366 positions, leap year included!, to keep things exciting and calorie-burning (for real, they crunched the numbers) this year and beyond. Grab a rocking chair, cowboy hat and other “equipment” to experiment with your favorite bed buddy.

Unf*ck Your Intimacy: Using Science for Better Relationships, Sex, and Dating by Dr. Faith G. Harper

Dr. Faith, the best-selling author of Unf*ck Your Brain, breaks down the rules (and science) for being in a loving, intimate relationship with yourself and others. This is a great read for those healing from a past relationship and who want to make better choices in the next one, or those looking to rekindle some magic with the one you love.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Dr. Ian Kerner

Sex therapist Dr. Kerner details dozens of ways to pleasure a woman and, in turn, find mutual sexual satisfaction. Oral sex, in his book, is the key.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Best Lubes for Anal Sex

According to Sexperts

Because when it comes to any kind of butt play, lube is non-negotiable.

By Gabrielle Kotkov

Rich in sensitive nerve endings, the butt can give you some seriously mind-blowing orgasms. (Yes, anal orgasms are a thing). What the butt can not do, however, is self-lubricate (like the vagina). And that means, unless you add lubricant, any anal play is going to be…dry.

“The sensation of skin-on-skin creates a lot of friction that can be really irritating and painful,” says certified sex educator Alicia Sinclair, CEO of b-Vibe, an anal play product company. “Lube is what makes the entire anal experience pleasurable,” she says.

Wondering, “What about saliva”? Let’s be very clear: Saliva is not lube! “It dries up reallllly quickly,” says Sinclair. And it contains bacteria that could disrupt the pH of your vagina and/or rectum. Yikes.

Beyond making anal play pleasurable, lube is also what makes it safer! The tissue lining the anal canal is super thin and delicate, which makes it susceptible to microtears if it’s not well-lubricated, explains Evan Goldstein, D.O., CEO and founder of Bespoke Surgical, a sexual-wellness company specializing in anal-related health. And not only can those tiny tears be painful (duh), they also increase the risk of STI transmission if your partner has one, he says.

Convinced you need to buy lube for anal sex or other anal play activities? Scroll down for 13 of the best anal lubes, according to sex educators. (And while you’re adding things to your shopping cart, go ahead and throw one of these anal sex toys in, as well).

pJur Back Door

Anal play enthusiasts to the front! If you’re getting down with a penis, fingers, or fist, this silicone-based lube belongs on your Anal Sex Alter (right next to the nJoy Pure Plug that is). “It’s super thick, without being greasy or sticky,” says Sofiya Alexandra, co-host of Private Parts Unknown, a podcast exploring love and sexuality around the world. It also contains jojoba, which has ~anti-inflammatory properties~ that are good for the bumhole skin, she says.

pJur AQUA

If silicone toys (think: butt plugs and anal beads) are part of your anal play, Gigi Engle, certified sex coach, Womanizer sexpert and the author of All The F*cking Mistakes: a guide to sex, love, and life, recommends investing in this water-based option from pJur instead. “Silicone can degrade silicone toys, so if you’re using silicone toys, you need to stick with a high-quality water-based lube, like pjur AQUA,” says Engle. (See more: What Are Anal Beads And How Do You Use Them?)

It has a moderately thick consistency without being tacky—a very good thing because “you don’t want your lube to wind up like hair gel when you’re trying to have yourself a good ‘ole time,” she says.

Nutiva Coconut Oil

Important reminder: Oil-based lubes degrade the integrity of latex condoms, which makes them less effective at protecting against STI transmission (and in the case of vaginal intercourse, pregnancy). But for folks who aren’t using latex condoms, coconut oil is an anal sex all-star. (See More: Is It OK to Use Coconut Oil During Vaginal Sex?)

“It’s way longer lasting than water-based lubes, which means fewer reapplication interruptions,” says Sinclair. “And it’s compatible with all silicone butt plugs, anal beads, or prostate massagers,” she explains.

The Butters

Rich, creamy, and long-lasting, it doesn’t get more luxurious than The Butters Lube. “It’s the consistency of a thick lotion and far less messy than many other lubes,” says Jamie LeClaire, a sexologist who specializes in sexuality, gender, and identity.

When you get the product you’ll notice that in the jar it looks a bit like hair gel, but fear not. “When you take a dollop of the creamy goodness and rub it between your fingers, it turns into a luxurious oil lather that really easily distributes wherever you want it,” they say.

While it’s not compatible with latex condoms, LeClaire says “I love it so much that I think it’s worth investing in non-latex condoms so that I can use this particular lube for anal play.” Quite the endorsement! (If you’re looking for a non-latex condom that protects against STIs and pregnancy, check out polyurethane condoms like the Trojans Bare-Skin Non-Latex condoms).

UberLube

Dr.Goldstein recommends Uberlube for anyone having anal sex with a penis, fingers, or non-silicone toy. “The silicone in UberLube is well-sourced and the company puts a lot of thought into their product.” Need proof? Just look at the bottle! Pretty damn classy for a lube, wouldn’t you say?

Because Uberlube comes in travel sizes, it’s a great option to bring on the road. And, he adds, “unlike some silicone-based lubes which are a pain to get off sheets, Uberlube doesn’t stain and is super easy to wipe off when playtime is done.” (Speaking of travel: These are the best vibrators to take with you wherever you go.)

Good Clean Love Almost Naked

Only stock your cabinets and “fun” drawer with organic and all-natural products? Good Clean Love Almost Naked will fit right in. “This all-natural water-based lube isn’t made specifically for anal, but it’s definitely up for the challenge of a backdoor adventure,” says Courtney Kocak, the other co-host of Private Parts Unknown. “It’s silky without being greasy, and easy-peasy to clean-up.”

Sociologist and clinical sexologist Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., with The Sex Toy Collective also stans this lube, adding that the aloe can help moisturize your anus, helping to protect it against microtears.

Boy Butter

Don’t let the name turn you off—you can enjoy and use Boy Butter no matter your identifying gender. “It’s one of my favorites on the market right now because it’s extra thick and creamy and stays in place during anal,” says sexpert Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of The New Society for Wellness (NSFW) a private members club for the sexually adventurous. It’s made of a blend of silicone and coconut oil, so you get the best of both worlds—just note that, since it’s oil-based, it’s not safe for use with latex condoms.

Saynt especially recommends this anal lube for use in showers. “Because of its staying power, it doesn’t immediately come off under the stream of water, so the receiver can fully enjoy the experience,” he says. Just be careful because when it does wash off, the floor can get a little slippery. (Related: How to Have Shower Sex That’s Actually Amazing)

Sliquid Organics Gel

Unlike some water-based lubes which are runny, Sliquid Organics’ water-based gel is thick AF. Since it’s gel-like, “it won’t dry up as quickly as other lubricants,” says Rebecca Alvarez Story, M.A., sexologist and founder of intimate care marketplace Bloomi. Of course, if you plan on going at it for a long time, re-apply the moment it starts to feel a little more “ouch” than “ooh.”

b-Vibe Lube Applicator 

This isn’t lube, but it is a nifty way to apply lube to the (ahem) desired area. “When you apply lube to whatever is going to go inside the anal canal (a penis, dildo, butt plug), as it enters the canal, the anal sphincter can cause a squeegee effect,” explains Sinclair. Meaning, rather than the lube actually getting into the ~hole in question~, most of it ends up on the outside of the bum. 

“Lube applicators allow you to easily lube up the interior anal canal,” she says. Just insert your lube-of-choice into the applicator, use your finger to apply some lube to the applicator, and whammo-bammo, you’re set!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Feel Together When You Are Apart

For couples physically separated by coronavirus, here are a few strategies to make your newly long-distance relationship feel a little bit closer.

By Vanessa Marin

The coronavirus lockdown has separated many of us from our loved ones — in some instances, even our partners and spouses. As a relationship and sex therapist, I’ve been working with a number of clients who are living separately from their partners. One patient is a medical worker who treats coronavirus patients every day and has chosen to live separately from his spouse so as not to not to expose his family to the disease. In another relationship, the couple were traveling separately when the crisis struck, and they did not have the ability to get back to the same location, so they now reside 50 miles apart, with one partner living with her elderly parents.

Being apart from your partner during this time of crisis is challenging on many levels. But connection can still exist while you’re separated. Here are some strategies to try:

When states started instituting lockdown policies, there wasn’t much time to make decisions about where to stay. Many people made tough, snap-judgment choices to move in with family members or stay with roommates. Medical workers faced difficult decisions around picking up extra shifts or traveling to locations in need of more personnel. You may be upset that your partner’s choices led to physical separation. It’s understandable to wish you were living with your partner and to be upset at the circumstances. However, it’s also important to recognize that this was most likely an extremely difficult decision that your partner had to make under high pressure with very little time. Express your disappointment calmly and then move on. It won’t help either of you to dwell on a decision that can’t be changed.

Be Respectful of Others

If you live separately from your partner, and one or both of you are living with roommates or family members, you need to consider the safety of others. There are different approaches to quarantine safety, and everyone in a home needs to agree to one approach. One client of mine was furious that her roommate was letting his girlfriend spend the night. Another client was shocked to learn that his roommate was breaking lockdown to go on dates with her boyfriend. If you want to enter a home where people other than your partner live, or have contact with your partner when he or she is staying with others, you need to have clear, open communication to determine everyone’s level of comfort. Yes, it’s hard to not be with your partner physically, but the safety of others is more important right now.

Take Advantage of Technology

You’re getting sick of Zoom, but the reality is that there has never been a better way to stay connected to your partner while apart. You can use video chat to have daily moments of connection, maintain some of your couple routines (like cooking dinner together or watching your favorite Netflix show), and even have special date nights. I recommend using video chat instead of (or in addition to) the phone or text, because there’s something powerful about seeing your partner’s face. A few weeks ago, I was doing a three-way video chat with a couple who were living separately because of the husband’s job. As her husband joined the video chat, the wife remarked, “I didn’t realize how good it would be to see his face!” They told me they had been speaking only over the phone, and feeling disconnected from each other, but seeing each other’s faces again made a big difference.

Separate but Still Physical

One of the challenges of being apart from your partner is a lack of physical touch. Touch is one of the most essential ways we express intimacy, and it can also relieve stress. There’s not a good substitute for touch, unfortunately, but you can talk to each other about all the ways you’d like to touch when you’re reunited. It might feel silly to reminisce about your favorite hugs or snuggle sessions, but that can be a sweet way to keep your connection alive. You can also get creative about helping each other relax physically, by working out together (virtually), doing a meditation together or even a quick video chat as you tuck yourself into bed.

You can keep your sex life alive remotely, too: video chat sexy moments, or send explicit texts, photos or video clips to each other. Write erotic fiction for each other. This can also be a good time to explore your fantasies. You can share the fantasies you used to have at different points of your life, or make a sexual bucket list you want to work through together. Many of us have fantasies that we wouldn’t want to do in real life, but talking about the fantasy is thrilling enough, and you don’t need to be physically together to do that. There are also sex toys you can use remotely; one partner gets the toy, and the other gets to control it.

Be Intentional During Your Time Together

It is possible that before coronavirus, you and your partner spent a lot of time together but hadn’t been particularly present with each other during that time. Maybe you felt that your partner was often glued to her phone or zoning out.

Being separated provides an opportunity to be intentional about putting the “quality” back in quality time. When you’re on a video chat with your partner, try to be as present as possible for at least 15 minutes per day. Don’t wash the dishes or fold the laundry as you’re talking. If you find that difficult, here are some ways to try to stay engaged in conversation:

  • Express appreciation for your partner.
  • Give your partner specific and detailed compliments.
  • Reminisce about your favorite memories together.
  • Use the 36 Questions That Lead to Love as prompts.

Be Creative

The current situation presents an opportunity to create new ways to connect with each other. Think about your favorite ways of spending time when you’re physically together, and see what you can recreate over video chat. If you focus on finding creative ways to connect, you’ll feel less powerless about your separation. Here are some ideas:

  • Create a new routine, like a nightly check-in with each other before you go to bed.
  • Visit a museum online together.
  • Read the same book and create a book club for two.
  • Have a separate tasting party. Buy a few of the same wines, chocolates or cheeses, and compare tasting notes over video chat.

Make Future Plans

There’s no denying that being separated right now is tough. You can ease some of the pain by jointly daydreaming about what you’ll do together when lockdown orders are lifted. You could plan a dream vacation, make a list of restaurants you’ll visit, or start looking for apartments to move into together. A little hope can keep the spark alive.

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Xs & Os:

Couples Who Regularly Show Physical Affection Have Happier Relationships

by John Anderer

Cuddling, hugging, and touching that doesn’t lead to sex can help build a stronger and happier relationship and marriage, according to a new study conducted at Binghamton University. The research team examined the effect of non-sexual physical intimacy on relationship satisfaction across a variety of attachment styles.

One’s “attachment style” refers to how comfortable a person is regarding both physical and emotional intimacy. Some people crave such affection, while others are more reserved and selective. These tendencies usually develop within a person during their childhood, but they can also change over time as well.

“It all depends on how open, close and secure you feel with that person, which is impacted by many, many factors,” explains study leader Samantha Wagner, a Binghamton University doctoral student in psychology, in a release.

To examine the connection between marital or relationship satisfaction, attachment style, and touch satisfaction, a group of 184 couples were gathered for the study. All participants were over the age of 18, and no same-sex couples were included. People receiving hormone therapy, and pregnant or breastfeeding women, were also excluded due to the study including hormonal sampling.

Each participant was interviewed separately and asked about their attachment style, the usual amount of touching and affection in their relationship, and their overall happiness with the relationship.

Before starting the study, researchers expected to find that avoidant people wouldn’t enjoy being touched and anxious people would like more physical affection. The findings, though, weren’t as cut and dry as expected.

Regardless of attachment styles, the more a couple reported showing physical affection towards one another, the more satisfied they felt with their partner’s touch. Anxious husbands tended to be less satisfied with their wife’s touch if physical affection was infrequent, but the same relationship wasn’t observed in anxious women. This suggests, according to the study’s authors, that women may look for missing affection more naturally.

Higher overall levels of physical intimacy were linked to more relationship satisfaction in men, and low levels of physical intimacy were linked to relationship dissatisfaction in women. It’s subtle, but researchers believe those two findings point to distinct differences in the genders. For men, physical intimacy is a nice extra, but for women it’s a necessity.

“There’s something specific about touch satisfaction that interplays with relationship satisfaction but not dissatisfaction for wives,” Wagner notes.

Additionally, regardless of attachment styles, touch perception was associated with “touch satisfaction.” Essentially, this means more touching is beneficial because it helps partners communicate without actually speaking. All in all, researchers believe their work indicates non-sexual physical affection can help build a strong relationship.

“Interestingly, there’s some evidence that holding your partner’s hand while you’re arguing de-escalates the argument and makes it more productive,” Wagner comments.

Just like anything else, there are exceptions to these observations. Someone with physical abuse in their past may not react positively to lots of touching, for example.

“Feel free to give some extra snugs on the couch. There’s plenty of evidence that suggests touch as a way to decrease stress,” she concludes.

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What it’s like to be sharing a polyamorous home during lockdown

Love in the time of coronavirus is tough enough for two. Adding a third or fourth romantic partner to the quarantine equation only makes life more complicated.

by Abby Moss

Quarantine is putting a lot of strain on people in relationships. For long-term couples, being trapped under the same roof 24/7 is inevitably going to cause friction. And while people might have entered lockdown expecting daytime sex and boozy lunches, many have ended up with arguments over whose turn it is to go queue at the supermarket. Divorce rates went through the roof in China post lockdown, and there’s no reason to expect things will be any different in the UK. For people in the early days of a relationship, it’s even tougher. There’s only so much phone sex you can have before things start to go stale.

For people in polyamorous relationships these complications are multiplied, and quarantine has forced some tough decisions. Some polyamorous people have been forced to choose one (or more than one) partner over others, while others have taken the choice to quarantine together. Polyamorous relationships aren’t exactly mainstream, and polyamorous individuals are more likely to reject traditional labels for their sexualities. However, the concept of exploring sex and relationships outside of monogamy is certainly on the rise. Five percent of people in relationships report practicing some form of consensual non-monogamy and dating app Feeld — dubbed ‘Tinder for threesomes’ — is reportedly thriving.

Billy Procida is the host of The Manwhore Podcast and has been in his current polyamorous relationship for 10 months. Billy lives in Brooklyn but is currently quarantined in Jersey City with his girlfriend Megan and Megan’s partner Kyle. “I figured if I’m going to be stuck somewhere, I’d rather be stuck with someone I love,” Billy tells me over the phone. Their quarantine started out on a trial basis when Billy happened to be in the area after a comedy gig, before a full lockdown was announced. Billy explains that they wanted to test the waters first and make sure the arrangement worked for everyone. The longest amount of time he and Megan had spent together prior to lockdown was on a five-day road trip. Luckily, they realised the set up was going to work out, and they’re now over a month into being quarantined together.

“People think it’s a 24-hour fuck fest, but, I don’t know, something about a global pandemic being mishandled by the most powerful world leaders… yeah, that doesn’t make me feel so horny.”

Unlike some poly couples, Billy, Megan and Kyle are not all in a relationship together, but rather in a “V formation”, in other words, Billy and Kyle are not in a relationship with each other. I wanted to know if this caused any animosity between them. “Not at all,” says Billy instantly. “The only beef he’s had with me is ‘cause I’m kind of messy. Or he might be like ‘Billy can you crack a window if you’re gonna smoke weed in here?’” The dynamic isn’t all that different to being in a house share.

Billy doesn’t feel that his quarantine experience is all that different from that of monogamous couples. “I mean, we’re all still sitting around here in our sweatpants watching Netflix,“ he explains. “People think it’s a 24-hour fuck fest, but, I don’t know, something about a global pandemic being mishandled by the most powerful world leaders… yeah, that doesn’t make me feel so horny.” Quarantine has, however, helped him think up new ways of showing affection and expressing his feelings. “I’m naturally quite romantic,” he says. “I’ve had to think of new ways to be romantic, which in quarantine might just be something small like making her a cup of matcha tea for when she wakes up. Or perhaps an act of love could just be giving Megan some time and space to be by herself.”

Claire (not her real name) has been married for three years. When full lockdown was announced, Claire, her husband, and their girlfriend of six months chose not to quarantine together. “We did discuss it, but we all decided it was too soon to be doing that, that it would put too much pressure on the relationship,” she explained. “But now that we’ve been apart for a few weeks it’s made us realise how much we all mean to each other. We’re all really missing each other and it’s been tough.” They have been regularly catching up on FaceTime and having virtual date nights, but Claire is worried for the future of the relationship. “I really feel for anyone in a new relationship right now,” she says. “Ours is no different, it’s still got that new relationship feeling, we’re still excited by one another, and trying to keep that spark going while we’re physically separated is hard.”

For Daniel Saynt — founder of New York sex club NSFW — the quarantine has left him and his relationships in limbo. Daniel was on vacation with one of his partners when the full lockdown was announced and the pair are now stuck on St Maarten. “I feel like I’m in some kind of limbo,” Daniel explains over email. “Like I’m in poly purgatory. I’m very happy to be with one of my partners, but I am severely missing my other partners and hope I can see them again before the connection diminishes.” Being with just one partner for an extended period isn’t something Daniel is used to. I wanted to know what quarantine had taught him about relationships, connection, and intimacy. “Being forced to be ‘monogamish’ has been a lesson for me,“ he says. I know I’m capable of being with one person, but it’s not what I want. And not getting what I want has taught me a lot about patience, acceptance, and how I love. I’m still very much in lust and love with the partner who is with me, but it’s a relationship based on restrictions out of our control. Will we still feel this way once the world becomes available to us?”

In the weeks and months to come the world will begin to return to normal. Once going on Tinder dates and meeting matches from Feeld becomes a possibility, how many relationships, (monogamous or poly) will survive? “We keep joking that if we can survive this, they’ll be no breaking us up,” says Claire. “We’ll be the toughest triad going. But for now, we’re just taking it day by day, just like the rest of the world.”

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Now’s the Time to Learn How to Sext

Social distancing doesn’t have to kill your sex life. 

By Amanda Chatel

In the uncharted waters of COVID-19, life has been put on hold. Dating IRL has gone digital—and sex? Let’s just say it’s a great time to learn how to sext. Even if you’ve never sexted in the past, didn’t have an interest in it, or just never had it come up, more people are turning to their devices for intimacy that’s not just possible in person right now.

“We have a lot more time than normal on our hands,” says Megan Stubbs, a sexologist and sex and relationships coach. “While sexting is great for couples who are already established but apart because of COVID-19, it’s also great for new relationships (i.e., meeting on a dating app), because it establishes a connection.” Connecting with someone in an intimate way can help relieve stress while staying house-bound. “The best part is you can edit what you say, and you get to be playful and creative,” Stubbs says.

Sexting can be intimidating, whether you’re messaging someone you’re in a long-term relationship with or a relative stranger. We get it. But if you’ve put off learning how to sext, there’s no time like the present. Here are five experts with your ultimate guide on sexting.

1. Ask for consent.

“Just because you’re in the head space to start sexting, that doesn’t necessarily mean your sexting pal is,” says Alicia Sinclair, CEO of sex-toy maker Children of the Revolution and certified sex educator. Checking in with your partner is required before you go from zero to 60. “Unless of course, you’ve already pre-negotiated or established you have sexting carte blanche,” she says.

Sexting example: “Hey you! Had you on my mind and wanted to share some NSFW thoughts. Are you into that right now?”

2. Know your angles.

“If you’re incorporating photo or video into your sexting routine, know your angles,” says Cassandra Corrado, sex educator and brand consultant. “I don’t mean the view that makes your ass look like the best version of itself—I mean the angles that keep you the most digitally safe. We don’t often want to think about sexual and digital safety when it comes to sexting, but you have to.”

Corrado makes a great point. Even if you’re sexting with a partner and you trust them, you still never know where those photos could end up. So when it comes to your face and distinguishing features, like tattoos, do yourself a favor and keep them out of view. Or even add a fake tattoo for fun.

Sexting example: “I’m sending you a photo of my hand down my undies and I want you to know I’m wishing they were your hands instead.”

3. Tease, tease, tease.

Just like when it comes to sex, there’s no sense in rushing it. “Don’t give it all away with the first sext,” Sinclair says. “Tell them what you want to do to them, or send them a naughty picture. Take your time.”

Sexting example: “Thinking about what I want to do to you has been driving me crazy. I get more and more turned on every time I imagine it.”

4. Be creative.

“While sexting might, in some people’s minds, mean going straight for the genitals, you can actually talk around it in a creative way,” Stubbs says.

Sexting example: “Tell me what you’d do to me if we were together in a room with just whipped cream, one candle, and no mattress in sight.”

5. Don’t skip the foreplay.

If you wouldn’t skip the foreplay while you’re with someone in person, you shouldn’t skip it during sexting either. “Foreplay and anticipation in any sexual play (aka the buildup) is what helps make the grand finale so special,” Sinclair says.

Sexting example: “Let’s take this as far as we can, slowly. Then let ourselves orgasm.”

6. Have your thirst traps locked and loaded.

“Visuals are important when sexting, and in the age of social distancing, the more you’ve got the better,” says Daniel Saynt, sex educator and founder of the New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a private community of sex-positive workshops and experiences. “Take a lesson from gay culture and consider having a library of naughty pics and videos in your arsenal for when you’re ready to sext.”

Sexting example: “Do you want to see a photo of what I’m wearing right now?”

7. Do what makes you feel sexy.

As many of these experts have pointed out, nude photos are definitely hot—especially if you’re comfortable with the person and you take the time to edit them for the sake of privacy. But, as Saynt points out, you don’t have to be totally naked in whatever photos you’re sharing. As the saying goes, sometimes less is more. “If you don’t want to go full nude, don’t feel that you have to,” Saynt says. “This is about what makes you feel sexy.”

Sexting example: “I’m sending you a photo that’s going to leave a lot to the imagination.”

8. Use a memory.

If the person you’re sexting with is someone you’ve been in a relationship with, then Stubbs suggests pulling out a hot memory, one that neither one of you will ever forget, and go from there.

Sexting example: “Remember that time in the elevator when I went down on you a few months ago?”

9. Share a fantasy.

We all have fantasies. Even if you’ve yet to explore them, they’re there. So if you’re looking to dip your toes in those waters, sexting is a chance to do that. “It’s completely normal for all of us to have fantasies,” says Sinclair. “Sexting is the perfect opportunity to share that you want to be tied up, want to tie your partner up, experiment with role playing, or try double penetration.”

Sexting example: “I feel like you’ve been really naughty lately. So naughty that I’m going to need to tie you up to teach you a lesson!”

10. Step outside your comfort zone.

One of the best parts about sex is that there’s always room to experiment. “When sexting for the first (or 40th) time, people often feel they have to follow a particular script,” says Corrado. “The thing that makes sexting fun is getting to explore desire and fantasy in a different medium, so don’t feel locked into any one script or persona.”

Sexting example: “I think it’s my turn to tell you what to do.”

11. Don’t forget to include voice notes.

Voice notes don’t exist only to make life easier when you want to get your point across to someone quickly; they also come in handy when you want to use your voice to entice your partner. “Voice notes allow you to tap into your lover’s audial desires,” says Jess O’Reilly, sexologist, relationship expert, and author of the upcoming book The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay: Techniques and Strategies for Mind-Blowing Sex. “For those of us who are auditory learners, the sound of a lover’s voice, even if they are not talking dirty, can be overwhelmingly hot.”

Try lowering your voice and speaking softly while telling your partner what you want to do to them or what you want them to do to you. “Build anticipation by sending one sentence at a time over the course of a day or week,” says O’Reilly.

Sexting example: “Tell me how the sound of my voice makes you feel.”

12. Make up a scenario.

Although creativity does score points when it comes to sexting, making up a scenario doesn’t have to be complicated, according to Stubbs. Even tossing out there the possibility of you just showing up at their house as a surprise can feel exciting.

Sexting example: “What would you do if I showed up at your house in nothing but a trench coat right now?”

13. Realize this could be practice for the real deal.

If you’re sexting with someone you’ve recently met on an app but haven’t been able to meet IRL, you could be practicing for the real deal—if you do want to meet after all this. This practice allows you to know each other intimately before that first, potentially awkward date.

Sexting example: “I guess if dinner and drinks feels awkward, we already know what we want in bed. Tell me again what you’ll do to me first?”

14. Take turns being the narrator.

“At its most basic, there are two central roles that you can take while talking dirty: the director or the narrator,” says Corrado. “The director is someone who is doing the telling, while the narrator is describing what is happening around them.” One role might feel more comfortable to you and the other to your partner, so you just might fall into them naturally. But this doesn’t mean you can’t switch it up.

Example of director: “I want you to use your vibrator on your clit, but you can’t come until I say so.”

Example of narrator: “I love it when you tease me that way.”

15. Get creative with language.

Honestly, there’s only so many times you can say “pussy” or “cock” before it wears thin. That’s why, according to O’Reilly, creative language is a must. “Consider crafting your messages with broad and vivid vocabulary,” she says.

Sexting example: “I wish you were here to feel how wet my treasure trove is.”

16. Keep the conversation going.

There’s nothing worse than getting all hot and bothered and then there’s a lull. Like, WTF. “Engage and try not to be unresponsive during moments when the sexting is consistent,” Saynt says. “There’s nothing worse than someone losing interest or getting distracted on either side, so try to be there for your partner and be sure to call them out when they seem to not be there for you.”

Sexting example: “I’m not sure where you went, but if you haven’t come yet, let’s work on that together.”

17. Get all five senses involved.

“Your sexting partner isn’t there with you, so they only have your words (and their imagination) to figure out what’s going on,” Corrado says. “If you’re describing to them the ways that you’re touching yourself, make it a sensory experience.” According to Corrado, you want the person you’re sexting to feel as if they’re right there, seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling, and tasting it all.

Sexting example: “The leather chair I’m sitting in feels so good on my skin right now.”

18. Role-play.

It’s exhausting always being the same person, isn’t it? Stubbs suggests setting up a role-play situation. This is another place where you can let your mind run wild. Did you just receive a text from a stranger that must orgasm ASAP to save the planet?! It’s totally okay to be silly while sexting!

Sexting example: “You don’t know me, but I’m from Venus and I’ve been given your number to make you wetter than you’ve ever been before.”

19. Communicate what you want.

Unless your sexting partner is a mind reader—or you’ve been together that long, you’re going to have to communicate and maybe even steer the direction of the sexting. “Want your partner to engage in a little fantasy play? Looking to have them say dirty things to you? Communicate what you want and ask for all the naughty things you know you deserve,” Saynt says. “Most likely your partner will be down to comply with giving you exactly what you’re looking for.”

Sexting example: “Tell me what you want me to do with my hands right now.”

20. And consider what arouses your partner.

Even if you’ve yet to meet IRL, a few rounds of sexting will give you an idea of what your “lover’s seduction learning style” is, according to O’Reilly. It’s in these cases that you can really cater to your partner and their exact desires by crafting “messages that make them feel sexy, desired, curious, excited, relaxed, challenged, loved, nervous, catered to, enticed, and more,” she says. “Take advantage of the variety of options including photos, videos, voice notes, text, GIFs, and live chats.”

Sexting example: “I want to know exactly what you want right now, so I want you to tell me in detail.”

21. Let sexting help you get over your fear of dirty talk.

Not everyone is comfortable using the type of words you find in sexting—and that’s totally fine! But for as long as we’re all cooped up at home, quarantined and isolated from current and future lovers, sexting is a great way to get over any cringiness.

Sexting example: “I want you to tease my clit with that dildo.”

22. Be ready to go live.

Going live isn’t for everybody, but the hotter it gets, the more likely you’ll be ready to go there, says Saynt. With that in mind, be ready for it. “As the sexting gets hotter and hotter, you may be asked to open up some live video to bring the conversation to the next level,” Saynt says. “Plan a time for this so that you can be ready for your close-up. Be voyeuristic and ask to just watch if you want the experience without having to show your goodies. Most partners will jump at the chance to show off for your pleasure.”

Sexting example: “I’m getting so close. Want to move this to FaceTime?”

23. Take time for aftercare.

“Sexting is unique because it’s a both partnered and solo sexual experience, and that can come with some intense emotions,” says Corrado. “If you find yourself feeling out of sorts once things have wrapped up, take time for physical self-care. Be mindful of how you’re touching your body, taking extra care and paying attention to how your own hands feel on you.”

According to Corrado, this can help ground you, especially if you’re feeling a bit lonely after the sexting session. This is the perfect time to light a candle and draw yourself a calming bath.

Sexting example: “Woo. That was a hot session. Now it’s time to take it easy and relish in how good it was.”

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What Does Asexual Mean? Definitions & How To Know If You’re “Ace”

Definitions & How To Know If You’re “Ace”

By Suzannah Weiss

Even as people gain more awareness of LGBTQ+ identities, asexuality remains poorly understood by many. Until recently, lots of people assumed that everyone was sexually attracted to someone or another. But in fact, some people don’t experience sexual attraction. Here’s what you should understand about being asexual, or “ace” for short.

The National LGBTQ Task Force defines asexuality as “a sexual orientation where a person experiences little to no sexual attraction to anyone and/or does not experience desire for sexual contact.” Different people define it differently for themselves, however. For some, it’s more about a lack of sexual desire, while for others, it’s just a lack of desire for anyone. And while some feel neutral about sexual activity, others are put off by the idea of it.

Asexuality exists on a spectrum that ranges from “no sexual interest or feelings at all” to “maybe sex under very specific circumstances,” explains Good Vibrations staff sexologist Carol Queen, Ph.D. Some people may feel more comfortable saying that they’re on the asexual spectrum than classifying themselves as asexual since it leaves wiggle room for different gradations of the identity.

Aromantic, panromantic, and more

An aromantic person is someone who isn’t interested in romantic relationships, though they may still be interested in sexual relationships. “They might be put off by the idea of [romantic partnerships] or just experience little or no desire or interest,” says Queen. A panromantic person, on the flip side, is open to romantic relationships with any gender, though they may or may not experience sexual attraction. So someone could be panromantic asexual, for example, or aromantic asexual. Or somewhere in between!

“Demisexuals still experience sexual attraction but in a way that centers emotions rather than lust,” explains sex and relationship therapist Cyndi Darnell. Often, demisexual people don’t feel sexually attracted to someone until they get to know them.

Some people use the term “graysexual” to refer to being somewhere in between asexual and sexual. “If you’re graysexual, you sometimes feel sexual attraction but not always,” says Queen.

Can asexual people fall in love?

One popular misconception is that asexual people can’t fall in love—but they absolutely can. “Sex does not equal love,” says LGBTQ+ expert and dual-licensed social worker Kryss Shane. Someone who doesn’t tend to fall in love would more likely designate themselves as aromantic, says Queen. Some asexual people get into romantic relationships, and some have sexual relationships with their partners.

Just like it’s not really clear what makes someone heterosexual, we don’t know what makes someone asexual, says Darnell. Some people feel they were always that way, while others may become asexual because they feel that societal conventions around how people have sex don’t work for them, says Queen.

Where you are on the asexual spectrum may change throughout your life. For example, some women begin identifying as asexual due to hormonal shifts around menopause, says Queen. Some young people might begin to identify as asexual after having sex and realizing they don’t enjoy it. “But very often, if someone ‘comes out’ as asexual, it basically acknowledges what they have felt all along,” Queen says.

No sex drive whatsoever: Am I asexual?

You might wonder if you’re asexual if you’ve been experiencing a lower libido than usual or in comparison to others. Even among allosexual people (aka people who are not on the asexual spectrum), it’s normal to not want sex sometimes. The key difference between being asexual and having a lower libido is whether you feel this lack of interest in sex is at the core of who you are or merely a challenge you are facing. Feeling like you can’t get turned on (even though you want to) is often linked to a medical, psychological, or relational problem that people can fix, whereas asexuality is an intrinsic trait that you probably can’t change and wouldn’t necessarily want to, Shane explains.

“A person with low libido likely still feels interest or attraction, but there’s not much fuel in the engine, so to speak—no, or a very limited, sense of urge,” says Queen. “They might be really dissatisfied with this, and very much want to get their ‘oomph’ back. An asexual person, once they are comfortable with themselves as they are, probably won’t feel this way.”

How do I know if I am asexual?

A few signs you might be asexual include:

1. You don’t relate to other people’s sexuality.

Asexual people often feel alienated when the people around them talk about their desire for sex or feelings of sexual attraction, says Queen. “They really don’t get why the people around them seem so motivated by sex.”

2. Other people don’t turn you on.

Some asexual people actually do experience sexual desire and even masturbate. But most asexual people won’t get turned on in response to other people. “You may feel that someone is attractive but not be attracted to them,” Shane explains. You may not have ever had much interest in engaging in sexual activity, or you may have tried to be intimate with someone but not gotten aroused, says Queen.

3. The label resonates with you.

Ultimately, there’s no test that will tell you if you’re asexual—it all comes down to how you feel. “People who are not ace spectrum might still not always enjoy sex or not be super motivated to have it because there is ample variation within sexuality, too,” says Queen. “But when someone discovers asexuality as a potential self-identity and really feels like ‘that’s it, that explains it,’ they’re probably ace.”

“Being asexual is normal, and there is nothing wrong with being asexual,” Shane adds. “Some never feel the need to seek out trying to increase their desire for sexual intimacy. If this is you, awesome! Own it! Just be sure you are clear with any romantic partner so that expectations on all sides are clear.”

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