For couples physically separated by coronavirus, here are a few strategies to make your newly long-distance relationship feel a little bit closer.
By Vanessa Marin
The coronavirus lockdown has separated many of us from our loved ones — in some instances, even our partners and spouses. As a relationship and sex therapist, I’ve been working with a number of clients who are living separately from their partners. One patient is a medical worker who treats coronavirus patients every day and has chosen to live separately from his spouse so as not to not to expose his family to the disease. In another relationship, the couple were traveling separately when the crisis struck, and they did not have the ability to get back to the same location, so they now reside 50 miles apart, with one partner living with her elderly parents.
Being apart from your partner during this time of crisis is challenging on many levels. But connection can still exist while you’re separated. Here are some strategies to try:
First, Accept Your Quarantine Decisions
When states started instituting lockdown policies, there wasn’t much time to make decisions about where to stay. Many people made tough, snap-judgment choices to move in with family members or stay with roommates. Medical workers faced difficult decisions around picking up extra shifts or traveling to locations in need of more personnel. You may be upset that your partner’s choices led to physical separation. It’s understandable to wish you were living with your partner and to be upset at the circumstances. However, it’s also important to recognize that this was most likely an extremely difficult decision that your partner had to make under high pressure with very little time. Express your disappointment calmly and then move on. It won’t help either of you to dwell on a decision that can’t be changed.
Be Respectful of Others
If you live separately from your partner, and one or both of you are living with roommates or family members, you need to consider the safety of others. There are different approaches to quarantine safety, and everyone in a home needs to agree to one approach. One client of mine was furious that her roommate was letting his girlfriend spend the night. Another client was shocked to learn that his roommate was breaking lockdown to go on dates with her boyfriend. If you want to enter a home where people other than your partner live, or have contact with your partner when he or she is staying with others, you need to have clear, open communication to determine everyone’s level of comfort. Yes, it’s hard to not be with your partner physically, but the safety of others is more important right now.
Take Advantage of Technology
You’re getting sick of Zoom, but the reality is that there has never been a better way to stay connected to your partner while apart. You can use video chat to have daily moments of connection, maintain some of your couple routines (like cooking dinner together or watching your favorite Netflix show), and even have special date nights. I recommend using video chat instead of (or in addition to) the phone or text, because there’s something powerful about seeing your partner’s face. A few weeks ago, I was doing a three-way video chat with a couple who were living separately because of the husband’s job. As her husband joined the video chat, the wife remarked, “I didn’t realize how good it would be to see his face!” They told me they had been speaking only over the phone, and feeling disconnected from each other, but seeing each other’s faces again made a big difference.
Separate but Still Physical
One of the challenges of being apart from your partner is a lack of physical touch. Touch is one of the most essential ways we express intimacy, and it can also relieve stress. There’s not a good substitute for touch, unfortunately, but you can talk to each other about all the ways you’d like to touch when you’re reunited. It might feel silly to reminisce about your favorite hugs or snuggle sessions, but that can be a sweet way to keep your connection alive. You can also get creative about helping each other relax physically, by working out together (virtually), doing a meditation together or even a quick video chat as you tuck yourself into bed.
You can keep your sex life alive remotely, too: video chat sexy moments, or send explicit texts, photos or video clips to each other. Write erotic fiction for each other. This can also be a good time to explore your fantasies. You can share the fantasies you used to have at different points of your life, or make a sexual bucket list you want to work through together. Many of us have fantasies that we wouldn’t want to do in real life, but talking about the fantasy is thrilling enough, and you don’t need to be physically together to do that. There are also sex toys you can use remotely; one partner gets the toy, and the other gets to control it.
Be Intentional During Your Time Together
It is possible that before coronavirus, you and your partner spent a lot of time together but hadn’t been particularly present with each other during that time. Maybe you felt that your partner was often glued to her phone or zoning out.
Being separated provides an opportunity to be intentional about putting the “quality” back in quality time. When you’re on a video chat with your partner, try to be as present as possible for at least 15 minutes per day. Don’t wash the dishes or fold the laundry as you’re talking. If you find that difficult, here are some ways to try to stay engaged in conversation:
- Express appreciation for your partner.
- Give your partner specific and detailed compliments.
- Reminisce about your favorite memories together.
- Use the 36 Questions That Lead to Love as prompts.
Be Creative
The current situation presents an opportunity to create new ways to connect with each other. Think about your favorite ways of spending time when you’re physically together, and see what you can recreate over video chat. If you focus on finding creative ways to connect, you’ll feel less powerless about your separation. Here are some ideas:
- Create a new routine, like a nightly check-in with each other before you go to bed.
- Visit a museum online together.
- Read the same book and create a book club for two.
- Have a separate tasting party. Buy a few of the same wines, chocolates or cheeses, and compare tasting notes over video chat.
Make Future Plans
There’s no denying that being separated right now is tough. You can ease some of the pain by jointly daydreaming about what you’ll do together when lockdown orders are lifted. You could plan a dream vacation, make a list of restaurants you’ll visit, or start looking for apartments to move into together. A little hope can keep the spark alive.
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