Social distancing doesn’t have to kill your sex life.
In the uncharted waters of COVID-19, life has been put on hold. Dating IRL has gone digital—and sex? Let’s just say it’s a great time to learn how to sext. Even if you’ve never sexted in the past, didn’t have an interest in it, or just never had it come up, more people are turning to their devices for intimacy that’s not just possible in person right now.
“We have a lot more time than normal on our hands,” says Megan Stubbs, a sexologist and sex and relationships coach. “While sexting is great for couples who are already established but apart because of COVID-19, it’s also great for new relationships (i.e., meeting on a dating app), because it establishes a connection.” Connecting with someone in an intimate way can help relieve stress while staying house-bound. “The best part is you can edit what you say, and you get to be playful and creative,” Stubbs says.
Sexting can be intimidating, whether you’re messaging someone you’re in a long-term relationship with or a relative stranger. We get it. But if you’ve put off learning how to sext, there’s no time like the present. Here are five experts with your ultimate guide on sexting.
1. Ask for consent.
“Just because you’re in the head space to start sexting, that doesn’t necessarily mean your sexting pal is,” says Alicia Sinclair, CEO of sex-toy maker Children of the Revolution and certified sex educator. Checking in with your partner is required before you go from zero to 60. “Unless of course, you’ve already pre-negotiated or established you have sexting carte blanche,” she says.
Sexting example: “Hey you! Had you on my mind and wanted to share some NSFW thoughts. Are you into that right now?”
2. Know your angles.
“If you’re incorporating photo or video into your sexting routine, know your angles,” says Cassandra Corrado, sex educator and brand consultant. “I don’t mean the view that makes your ass look like the best version of itself—I mean the angles that keep you the most digitally safe. We don’t often want to think about sexual and digital safety when it comes to sexting, but you have to.”
Corrado makes a great point. Even if you’re sexting with a partner and you trust them, you still never know where those photos could end up. So when it comes to your face and distinguishing features, like tattoos, do yourself a favor and keep them out of view. Or even add a fake tattoo for fun.
Sexting example: “I’m sending you a photo of my hand down my undies and I want you to know I’m wishing they were your hands instead.”
3. Tease, tease, tease.
Just like when it comes to sex, there’s no sense in rushing it. “Don’t give it all away with the first sext,” Sinclair says. “Tell them what you want to do to them, or send them a naughty picture. Take your time.”
Sexting example: “Thinking about what I want to do to you has been driving me crazy. I get more and more turned on every time I imagine it.”
4. Be creative.
“While sexting might, in some people’s minds, mean going straight for the genitals, you can actually talk around it in a creative way,” Stubbs says.
Sexting example: “Tell me what you’d do to me if we were together in a room with just whipped cream, one candle, and no mattress in sight.”
5. Don’t skip the foreplay.
If you wouldn’t skip the foreplay while you’re with someone in person, you shouldn’t skip it during sexting either. “Foreplay and anticipation in any sexual play (aka the buildup) is what helps make the grand finale so special,” Sinclair says.
Sexting example: “Let’s take this as far as we can, slowly. Then let ourselves orgasm.”
6. Have your thirst traps locked and loaded.
“Visuals are important when sexting, and in the age of social distancing, the more you’ve got the better,” says Daniel Saynt, sex educator and founder of the New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a private community of sex-positive workshops and experiences. “Take a lesson from gay culture and consider having a library of naughty pics and videos in your arsenal for when you’re ready to sext.”
Sexting example: “Do you want to see a photo of what I’m wearing right now?”
7. Do what makes you feel sexy.
As many of these experts have pointed out, nude photos are definitely hot—especially if you’re comfortable with the person and you take the time to edit them for the sake of privacy. But, as Saynt points out, you don’t have to be totally naked in whatever photos you’re sharing. As the saying goes, sometimes less is more. “If you don’t want to go full nude, don’t feel that you have to,” Saynt says. “This is about what makes you feel sexy.”
Sexting example: “I’m sending you a photo that’s going to leave a lot to the imagination.”
8. Use a memory.
If the person you’re sexting with is someone you’ve been in a relationship with, then Stubbs suggests pulling out a hot memory, one that neither one of you will ever forget, and go from there.
Sexting example: “Remember that time in the elevator when I went down on you a few months ago?”
9. Share a fantasy.
We all have fantasies. Even if you’ve yet to explore them, they’re there. So if you’re looking to dip your toes in those waters, sexting is a chance to do that. “It’s completely normal for all of us to have fantasies,” says Sinclair. “Sexting is the perfect opportunity to share that you want to be tied up, want to tie your partner up, experiment with role playing, or try double penetration.”
Sexting example: “I feel like you’ve been really naughty lately. So naughty that I’m going to need to tie you up to teach you a lesson!”
10. Step outside your comfort zone.
One of the best parts about sex is that there’s always room to experiment. “When sexting for the first (or 40th) time, people often feel they have to follow a particular script,” says Corrado. “The thing that makes sexting fun is getting to explore desire and fantasy in a different medium, so don’t feel locked into any one script or persona.”
Sexting example: “I think it’s my turn to tell you what to do.”
11. Don’t forget to include voice notes.
Voice notes don’t exist only to make life easier when you want to get your point across to someone quickly; they also come in handy when you want to use your voice to entice your partner. “Voice notes allow you to tap into your lover’s audial desires,” says Jess O’Reilly, sexologist, relationship expert, and author of the upcoming book The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay: Techniques and Strategies for Mind-Blowing Sex. “For those of us who are auditory learners, the sound of a lover’s voice, even if they are not talking dirty, can be overwhelmingly hot.”
Try lowering your voice and speaking softly while telling your partner what you want to do to them or what you want them to do to you. “Build anticipation by sending one sentence at a time over the course of a day or week,” says O’Reilly.
Sexting example: “Tell me how the sound of my voice makes you feel.”
12. Make up a scenario.
Although creativity does score points when it comes to sexting, making up a scenario doesn’t have to be complicated, according to Stubbs. Even tossing out there the possibility of you just showing up at their house as a surprise can feel exciting.
Sexting example: “What would you do if I showed up at your house in nothing but a trench coat right now?”
13. Realize this could be practice for the real deal.
If you’re sexting with someone you’ve recently met on an app but haven’t been able to meet IRL, you could be practicing for the real deal—if you do want to meet after all this. This practice allows you to know each other intimately before that first, potentially awkward date.
Sexting example: “I guess if dinner and drinks feels awkward, we already know what we want in bed. Tell me again what you’ll do to me first?”
14. Take turns being the narrator.
“At its most basic, there are two central roles that you can take while talking dirty: the director or the narrator,” says Corrado. “The director is someone who is doing the telling, while the narrator is describing what is happening around them.” One role might feel more comfortable to you and the other to your partner, so you just might fall into them naturally. But this doesn’t mean you can’t switch it up.
Example of director: “I want you to use your vibrator on your clit, but you can’t come until I say so.”
Example of narrator: “I love it when you tease me that way.”
15. Get creative with language.
Honestly, there’s only so many times you can say “pussy” or “cock” before it wears thin. That’s why, according to O’Reilly, creative language is a must. “Consider crafting your messages with broad and vivid vocabulary,” she says.
Sexting example: “I wish you were here to feel how wet my treasure trove is.”
16. Keep the conversation going.
There’s nothing worse than getting all hot and bothered and then there’s a lull. Like, WTF. “Engage and try not to be unresponsive during moments when the sexting is consistent,” Saynt says. “There’s nothing worse than someone losing interest or getting distracted on either side, so try to be there for your partner and be sure to call them out when they seem to not be there for you.”
Sexting example: “I’m not sure where you went, but if you haven’t come yet, let’s work on that together.”
17. Get all five senses involved.
“Your sexting partner isn’t there with you, so they only have your words (and their imagination) to figure out what’s going on,” Corrado says. “If you’re describing to them the ways that you’re touching yourself, make it a sensory experience.” According to Corrado, you want the person you’re sexting to feel as if they’re right there, seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling, and tasting it all.
Sexting example: “The leather chair I’m sitting in feels so good on my skin right now.”
18. Role-play.
It’s exhausting always being the same person, isn’t it? Stubbs suggests setting up a role-play situation. This is another place where you can let your mind run wild. Did you just receive a text from a stranger that must orgasm ASAP to save the planet?! It’s totally okay to be silly while sexting!
Sexting example: “You don’t know me, but I’m from Venus and I’ve been given your number to make you wetter than you’ve ever been before.”
19. Communicate what you want.
Unless your sexting partner is a mind reader—or you’ve been together that long, you’re going to have to communicate and maybe even steer the direction of the sexting. “Want your partner to engage in a little fantasy play? Looking to have them say dirty things to you? Communicate what you want and ask for all the naughty things you know you deserve,” Saynt says. “Most likely your partner will be down to comply with giving you exactly what you’re looking for.”
Sexting example: “Tell me what you want me to do with my hands right now.”
20. And consider what arouses your partner.
Even if you’ve yet to meet IRL, a few rounds of sexting will give you an idea of what your “lover’s seduction learning style” is, according to O’Reilly. It’s in these cases that you can really cater to your partner and their exact desires by crafting “messages that make them feel sexy, desired, curious, excited, relaxed, challenged, loved, nervous, catered to, enticed, and more,” she says. “Take advantage of the variety of options including photos, videos, voice notes, text, GIFs, and live chats.”
Sexting example: “I want to know exactly what you want right now, so I want you to tell me in detail.”
21. Let sexting help you get over your fear of dirty talk.
Not everyone is comfortable using the type of words you find in sexting—and that’s totally fine! But for as long as we’re all cooped up at home, quarantined and isolated from current and future lovers, sexting is a great way to get over any cringiness.
Sexting example: “I want you to tease my clit with that dildo.”
22. Be ready to go live.
Going live isn’t for everybody, but the hotter it gets, the more likely you’ll be ready to go there, says Saynt. With that in mind, be ready for it. “As the sexting gets hotter and hotter, you may be asked to open up some live video to bring the conversation to the next level,” Saynt says. “Plan a time for this so that you can be ready for your close-up. Be voyeuristic and ask to just watch if you want the experience without having to show your goodies. Most partners will jump at the chance to show off for your pleasure.”
Sexting example: “I’m getting so close. Want to move this to FaceTime?”
23. Take time for aftercare.
“Sexting is unique because it’s a both partnered and solo sexual experience, and that can come with some intense emotions,” says Corrado. “If you find yourself feeling out of sorts once things have wrapped up, take time for physical self-care. Be mindful of how you’re touching your body, taking extra care and paying attention to how your own hands feel on you.”
According to Corrado, this can help ground you, especially if you’re feeling a bit lonely after the sexting session. This is the perfect time to light a candle and draw yourself a calming bath.
Sexting example: “Woo. That was a hot session. Now it’s time to take it easy and relish in how good it was.”
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