Tag: sex and relationship advice

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How to Ask for What You Want Sexually

Doing so may improve your relationship.

By Samantha Vincenty

Developing good communication is important in relationships, and that’s just as true when it comes to sex—which is why knowing how to describe what you want in bed is such a valuable skill.

Piping up about a new turn-on, or wanting to try new positions, can increase the intimacy between the two of you—or even rekindle the spark when you and a longtime partner have plateaued in the bedroom. If you’ve just started seeing each other, the newness of your bond provides a great opportunity to start a dialogue early, so that you both feel free to verbalize what you want sexually on an ongoing basis.

“The place where I normally start with patients is helping them get curious about what’s stopped them from asking for what they want in bed in the past,” says Casey Tanner, LCPC, a therapist specializing in relationship and sex therapy and expert for LELO toys. “Folks often will come in with apprehension and anxiety around asking their partner for something. This is especially true for people who were socialized as women, taught that we can’t take up space in that way.”

Sometimes, a fear they’ll bruise their partner’s ego holds them back, Tanner says. “Others are afraid to be judged,” she continues. Often, they don’t know how to answer the question even when they’re asked, “because they don’t even know what they want. So it’s important for people to name their communication barrier.”

No matter what’s kept you from making a sexual request to your partner, you can definitely learn how to do it proudly.

To ask for what you want in bed, start by lowering the stakes.

“You don’t have to be a hundred percent sure you’re going to love something in order to ask for it,” Tanner says. “Some people think, ‘if I ask for it, I better like it!” But how do we know we like it if we haven’t tried it yet?” It’s okay if you want to stop midway through if you’re not into something new—even if it was your idea.

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Tanner suggests framing it by saying a version of this: “There’s something I’d love to try with you,” because “that leaves room for, ‘hey we’re trying this together. I’m not committing to wanting this as a part of my sex life forever, it’s just something I want to try.”

Know when to ask in the moment, and when to wait.

“For things such as small adjustments or changing a technique slightly, asking in the moment is totally appropriate,” says Tanner. Commands like “harder,” “slower” “faster,” “a little to the right,” for example.

When you’re introducing something brand-new, like experimenting with sex toys or anal sex, you definitely want to broach the idea before you’re in the heat of the moment, maybe during date night. “If it’s something that’s going to require a nuanced conversation about consent—kink or BSDM, for example—those are the requests that you want to bring up in a non-sexual context.”

If you’re afraid to hurt their feelings…

Be sure to start from a place of praise, says Taylor Sparks, sex educator and founder of pleasure site OrganicLoven. During one of those outside-the-bedroom conversations, she says, “what I like to do with my partners is to say something like, ‘You know what I really like? When you do this, this, and this. And you know what I’d like even more?'”

Describe what you want as specifically as you can, Sparks says (she uses the example of asking your partner to move their tongue up and down during oral sex, as opposed to side to side). “Once you’re in bed and they’re doing what they normally do, you’ve already planted the seed about what you want,” she says. So when they’re down there, you can say, “this is a great time for the up-and-down!”

Avoid words like “always” and “never.”

“Sometimes when we’re looking to get what we want, we confuse it with what we don’t want, and the approach to our partner can be, ‘You’re not doing it right!'” Sparks says. In the spirit of asking with appreciative enthusiasm, playful suggestions are hot. Sharp criticism is not. Tanner recommends making it a point to stay away from phrases like “you always do this,” or “you never do this.”

If you’re nervous, say so.

If you’re anxious about asking, you don’t have to pretend that you’re not. “You might say, ‘I’m new to sharing what I want during sex, so this is a little anxiety-provoking for me’,” Tanner suggests. “By just sharing that feeling with their partner, they’re also letting their partner know, ‘this is vulnerable for me, and I need you to hear this.’”

Share your “why.”

Do you know why you want to try it? “The answer doesn’t have to be complex—it could just be it sounds hot, or you’re curious, or you love doing it when you masturbate,” says Tanner. “Often, our go-to when someone gives us feedback is to think we’ve been doing something wrong. Sharing that ‘why’ helps your partner know this isn’t criticism.”

Show them with your hand.

If there’s a very specific way you’d like your partner to switch up their style during oral sex, and the words to describe it are failing you, try a nonverbal approach. Taking their hand, use your tongue on the sensitive skin between their thumb and index finger, showing them the type of speed, pressure, and technique you need to take you over the edge.

If they ask what you like in bed, and you don’t know how to answer…

You might have some self exploration to do, perhaps with the help of a good vibrator (fun!). But if it’s because you’re drawing a blank in the face of an open-ended question, Sparks suggests turning the q back to your partner. “Ask them, ‘what do you like to do with a partner in bed?’ And that gives you a moment to think about it.”

As they voice what they like, you can chime in when something excites you, too. “Now you’re kind of making your list off of theirs,” Sparks continues. When they name something that doesn’t intrigue you, try a “hmm.” “That doesn’t mean you agree or disagree. It just means you’ve heard them, and you acknowledge it.”

Return the favor.

After you’ve shared, Tanner recommends that you show curiosity in your partner’s pleasure by asking if there’s anything they would like to try (if you haven’t learned it already from your ‘what do you like in bed?’ conversation).

Don’t take a “no” personally.

The potential sting of rejection can loom large. “I think there’s so much shame around this conversation,” Tanner says. “It’s so easy to jump to, ‘I’m bad, this request is bad, what I want is wrong.’ But all it really means is that it’s not something this person wants as part of their sex life—it has nothing to do with who you are.”

And when we do get a no, “we have to ask how important it is to us,” Tanner adds. “Is this a need, or a want?”

Consider when it’s time to consult a therapist.

If you’ve tried everything, and your partner has yet to incorporate your feedback, “at that stage, it’s become a communication issue,” Tanner says. It could be a misunderstanding, or there could be something blocking your partner’s willingness to follow through. “You might say something like, ‘we’ve had this conversation a couple times, and it seems like maybe there’s a disconnect. Can you share what’s maybe holding you back?'”

If you’ve asked them to stop doing something and they won’t, Tanner says, that’s a consent issue. Alternately, “if you’ve asked for something new, it may be a discrepancy in the kind of sex that each of you desire,” she adds. In either event, it may be time to consider visiting a couple’s therapist or sex therapist to facilitate those conversations.

Ultimately, you and your partner share a goal: Enjoying your sexual experience with each other. “It’s not about a problem,” Tanner says. “It’s about potential.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How BDSM Frameworks Can Teach You to Talk About Sex

by Davey Davis

While they might look the same to the untrained eye, BDSM is the opposite of Fight Club: The first rule of BDSM is that you talk about BDSM. A lot.

One of the many things that annoys me about mainstream depictions of kink is how infrequently you see negotiation—the actual conversation—between kinksters in movies and TV. In the real world of BDSM, communicating about what we want to do, how we’re going to do it, and what our limits are before, during, and after a scene is the norm among experienced players—and should be the norm, period. In most mainstream depictions of the subculture, however, we usually see kink without preamble (and often it seems to play out in a world where consent is murky at best).

While non-negotiated kink and non-consensual harm (otherwise known as assault) do occur in the BDSM community—that’s another essay for another time, my friends—these limited and unrealistic depictions portray BDSM as an inherently dangerous activity and lifestyle. But in BDSM, there’s only one bad fantasy: that responsible play can be self-centered, unintentional, and unaccountable to a greater community. When responsible players put that fear aside, kink can be emotionally and physically sustainable as well as, you know, really fucking hot.

To be clear, I have no interest in whitewashing or defanging BDSM. It’s not a mainstream pastime! But what I do have an interest in is making sure that all players, especially new and inexperienced ones, have the tools they need to play and participate in BDSM—and all sex, more broadly—in ways that are the most responsible.

So what does it mean to be responsible about something that, to the uninitiated, might seem so very irresponsible? In the community, we have three helpful acronyms used as shorthands for talking about just that.

SSC—Safe, Sane, and Consensual

The oldest of these three acronyms, SSC can be traced back to the 1980s, when gay S/M clubs were trying to promote what we now call informed consent, both within their circles and beyond.

In broad terms, “safe” means that the risk of any kink activities should be understood by all participants and either eliminated or reduced as much as possible. “Sane” refers to the need to approach these activities in a commonsense way, with all parties able to discern between fantasy and reality (this could apply to mental state as well as to levels of inebriation and/or mind alteration from substances). “Consensual” means that everyone has freely consented to the activities on the menu and can alert other players if that changes at any point during the scene.

The growing popularity of the leather scene within the broader gay community meant that these organizations—namely Chicago’s Hellfire Club and New York’s Gay Male S/M Activists (GMSMA)—needed a slogan that communicated their values to other kinksters as well as to a world hostile to their rising profile. According to David Stein, a GMSMA committee member, the club wanted to differentiate themselves from stereotypes of S/M as “harmful, antisocial, predatory behavior.”

RACK—Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

Around the turn of the Millennium, a new evolution of SSC was born with RACK. RACK is both in conversation with SSC as well as a challenge to it; “safe” and “sane” are subjective terms that don’t mean the same thing to everyone. “I don’t know about you, but most of the BDSM I participate in would not be considered safe,” writes BDSM educator Daemonumx in her newsletter.

A leather associate of mine, Daemonumx shares with me an interest in play that is risky by any standards, and certainly by vanilla ones. No matter how cautious we are, there are inherent risks to these (very fun) activities. This means that RACK suits our purposes better than SSC does.

We go into a scene having educated ourselves, to the best of our ability, about the risks we and everyone involved are taking on; like participants of skydiving, mountain-climbing, and childbirth, we are taking part in something that can be fun, pleasurable, transcendental, or worthwhile without requiring that it be “safe.”

“‘Risk-aware’ means that both parties to a negotiation have studied the proposed activities, are informed about the risks involved, and agree how they intend to handle them,” writes Gary Switch.

In a subculture in which learning is self-taught or taught via apprenticeship, skill share, or workshop, skill-based knowledge is diffuse and often difficult to access, period. Add that to the natural diversity in “risk profiles” and desires, and one size simply doesn’t suit all. Writes Cross for XCBDSM, “RACK puts the responsibility… on the individual. It empowers each person to define their own risk profile.”

Finally, the “sane” in SSC stigmatizes mental illness—something that us paraphiliacs, with our history of pathologization, could stand to be a little more sensitive towards.

PRICK—Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

Which brings us to PRICK, a newer acronym I’ve only seen more of in the last few months. As a player who came up in the time of RACK, at first I was mildly annoyed to discover an acronym that didn’t immediately seem to add anything new to the responsibility framework. But the more I thought about it, the more it began to make sense.

What does PRICK do that RACK doesn’t? It makes a space not only for risk awareness but for personal responsibility regarding the risky choices we make—a useful distinction for a practice that very often exists within an unequal power dynamic. As a masochist, the physical risk I am taking when I submit my body to pain and even damage is much greater than that taken by the sadist wielding it—but the sadist is taking risks too, including the emotional responsibility of potentially harming me, as well as the legal responsibility for that harm should something go awry (not that I would personally involve the authorities, but the possibility of their involvement is one of the unfortunate risks that we take when we play!).

Within the PRICK model, my partners and I go into our scene not only aware of the risks, but with the intention of taking responsibility for our decisions (this does not include consent violations, of course, which are something for which only violators are responsible). There are experiences and even a few kinky relationships that I regret, but where there was consent, I don’t have bitterness or anger. The consent feels empowering, even in retrospect.

The need for acronyms like SSC, RACK, and PRICK conveys the high-maintenance nature of our hardware-heavy lifestyle—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My wish is for this approach to desire to be more normalized in the broader culture, too. While discourse around enthusiastic consent, sex positivity, and #MeToo has attempted to address the need for communication, “vanilla” people, straight or queer, can learn a thing or two about safety, consent, and desire from BDSM frameworks.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Yes, Sexual Self-Esteem Is A Thing

— How To Boost It

By Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D.

While many people can recognize when they’re struggling with their confidence, people often neglect to consider their feelings around their sexual self.

As humans, we are sexual beings, regardless of how we feel about sex or sexuality. You are a whole person made up of many parts, and your sexual self is an important piece of who you are.

It’s important to integrate your sexual self into your whole self. Yet many people struggle with connecting with this area of themselves because of their low sexual self-esteem.

What is sexual self-esteem?

Your sexual self-esteem refers to:

  • feelings about your body
  • your confidence in your sexual self
  • your feelings of worth and what you contribute or do not contribute during sex
  • how you intimately connect with yourself and others
  • your view of your sexuality

Your sexual self-esteem starts with how you feel about yourself. It’s affected by past and current experiences, and it is an essential part of you as a whole person.

Regardless of how you feel about sex, your sexual self-esteem matters. It’s just as important as your overall self-esteem. Your overall confidence affects every area of your life, and your sexual self-esteem does the same.

Sexual self-esteem can make you feel more connected or disconnected in your relationships. When you lack sexual self-esteem, it affects how you view yourself and how connected you feel to the intimate aspects of your relationship. Not only can it cause problems with sexual disconnection, but it can also negatively affect the emotional connection in a relationship as well.

What affects sexual self-esteem?

Several factors affect how you view your sexual self. Some are within your control, and others aren’t—they’re due to experiences that happen to you.

For example, messages you heard about sex growing up can affect your sexual self-talk. Depending on the environment you grew up in, your family’s view on sex, or other factors, you may have heard some of the following things about sex:

  • Sex is dirty.
  • Sex is private and never to be spoken about.
  • Sex is only between a man and a woman.
  • Don’t have sex before marriage.
  • If you have sex, you’ll get a bad reputation.

Those negative messages can turn into your own internal message. Maybe they’ve become your self-talk about your sexuality or sexual self. Take those plus any things you’ve been told about your performance or actions with sex at any point in your life, and you can end up with plenty of negative things in your inner narrative.

For example, your current or past partner may have told you:

  • That none of their past partners had any complaints about sex with them, so something must be wrong with you
  • That something must be wrong with you because you don’t like or don’t enjoy sex
  • That you’re broken because you never have an orgasm
  • That you want too much from them
  • That your expectations are too high or unrealistic
  • That you want sex too much and they don’t, so something must be wrong with you

Experiences with your current or past partners stick with you, especially the negative ones. These negative narratives become your inner narrative. Your inner critic loves these experiences because it can turn up the volume and remind you of all the things “wrong” with your sexual self.

Even though the person may not be around, their negativity is—because it has turned into your self-talk. Your self-worth or how you value your sexual self plummets to a low, making you feel worse than you did before.

How to improve your sexual self-esteem.

When your sexual self-esteem is not in a good place, how in the heck can you expect to have a pleasurable and fulfilling sexual experience with someone when you feel bad about yourself?

Your sexual self-esteem deserves a boost. If you are focused on personal growth and want to see improvements in your relationships, there’s no time like the present to focus on nurturing your sexual self.

Here are three steps to get started:

1. Scale your sexual self-esteem.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 very low and 10 very high, rank how you view your sexual self at this time. Write down the number you picked and label it as current.

Then think about how you want to feel about your sexual self in the future. Write down the number you want to represent your sexual self-esteem and label it as the future.

2. Reframe your negative self-talk.

Make a list of your thoughts, beliefs, and things you say to yourself about your sexual self—even if some of these came from others, and you’ve since adopted them into your own narrative. Try to identify at least five.

Next, rewrite each of these to be more realistic and forgiving of yourself. For example, if you wrote, “I’m not comfortable with my body during sex,” reframe it with “I want to learn to feel more comfortable in my body during sex.” Go through each item and reframe it, which will help you begin to improve how you see your sexual self.

(Here are some positive self-talk mantras for more inspo.)

3. Identify barriers to your sexual self-esteem.

On a sheet of paper, brainstorm all of the possible thoughts, things, people, experiences, narratives, or anything that keeps you from feeling confident about your sexual self. For example, a past partner may have told you that you’re not good at sex, and you can’t stop this from going through your head.

This self-talk causes you not to feel good about your sexual self. Write out any barrier you can think of. After you’ve listed them out, write one small action you can take to overcome each barrier.

There are many things you can do today to improve your view of your sexual self. Once you know about your sexual self, what affects it, and how you can improve it, you’re ready to take action. You deserve to feel confident, and working on your sexual self is a big step in the right direction.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy for Sexual Health

By Elizabeth Boskey, PhD

Pelvic floor physical therapy (PT) can be used to treat or help treat a number of sexual health problems. It is also commonly used to treat problems such as urinary or fecal incontinence, particularly when that incontinence occurs after childbirth or prostate surgery. Conditions for which pelvic floor PT can be helpful include:

All of these conditions have one thing in common—they are affected by the function of the pelvic floor.

What Is the Pelvic Floor?

The pelvic floor has several different functions. First, it supports the abdominal organs, such as the bladder, the intestines, and the internal genital organs (i.e. the uterus) inside the pelvis. Second, it resists against the pressure that builds up in the pelvis and abdomen during activities like coughing or lifting. Finally, it is the action of the pelvic floor that allows people to hold their urine and feces until they are ready to use the bathroom. The urethra and rectum pass through holes in the pelvic floor. It is relaxing the muscles of the pelvic floor that allows for urination and defecation. The normal tension in the muscles of the pelvic floor serve as a sphincter to otherwise hold these substances in.

The pelvic floor lies at the base of your pelvis. Often described as being shaped like a funnel or a bowl, it is made up of two muscle groups – the levator ani muscles and the coccygeus, The levatyor ani muscles are the pubococcygeus, the puborectalis, and the iliococcygeus. Each muscle that makes up the pelvic floor contributes to its function. Pelvic floor PT can be helpful if there are problems with one or more of these muscles, something called pelvic floor dysfunction.

Pelvic Floor Dysfunction

Pelvic floor dysfunction simply means that one or more of the muscles of the pelvic floor is not working correctly. This could mean that they are too tense, too loose, or that a person has trouble contracting and releasing them appropriately. It is also possible for the pelvic floor muscles to be damaged by childbirth, medical treatments, or certain types of surgery, such as as prostatectomy.

Pelvic floor dysfunction can be diagnosed through a combination of history taking, physical examination, MRI, and/or ultrasound. It is thought to affect up to a quarter of women in the United States1 . There is less data on prevalence in men. Pelvic floor dysfunction can be treated through a number of means including medication, surgery, and pelvic floor physical therapy. Pelvic floor PT is often a good first-line option, as it has far fewer risks and side effects than other options. That is particularly true for surgical options for pelvic floor repair, which have the potential to have significant sexual and other side effects.2

Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Sexual Health

Pelvic floor dysfunction can affect a number of areas of sexual health. These effects can be both direct and indirect. For example, a direct effect of pelvic floor dysfunction could be pain during intercourse. The potential direct sexual effects of pelvic floor dysfunction are numerous, as the pelvic floor muscles affect numerous aspects of sexual function. Muscle contraction plays a role in sexual arousal and orgasm, as well as in penile rigidity

An indirect effect could be stress urinary incontinence leading to a fear of sexual intimacy. Types of sexual health problems associated with pelvic floor dysfunction can also be categorized as either being caused by overactive or under-active muscles. In general, direct effects tend to be caused by too much muscle contraction in the pelvic floor, while indirect effects tend to be caused by too little.

Overactive Muscles

Overactive pelvic floor muscles can cause pelvic pain and pain with sexual activity. In men, this pain may be anywhere from the testicles, to the tip of the penis or the abdomen. In men, overactive pelvic floor muscles can also contribute to:

  • erectile problems
  • premature ejaculation
  • pain after ejaculation

In women, overactive muscles can contribute to:

  • itching or burning of the vulva (the outer portion of the genitalia)
  • pain in the clitoris
  • pain in the vagina

In all individuals, sexual dysfunction caused by overactive pelvic floor muscles may or may not be accompanied by pain.

Under-active Muscles

Under-active pelvic floor muscles increase the risk of conditions such as pelvic organ prolapse and urinary incontinence. Both urinary incontinence and pelvic organ prolapse have been shown to have negative effects on individual’s sex lives. 3 Each condition can affect a person’s self image, and there may also be concerns about pain during sex (with prolapse) or odor (with urinary incontinence.)

It’s worth noting that some people have pelvic floor muscles that are simultaneously over- and under-active. This is a component of some types of pelvic pain syndrome.

Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy

Going for an initial consultation for pelvic floor PT can be an intimidating experience, particularly if you do not know what to expect. The specific experience of working with a pelvic floor physical therapist will depend on why you are seeking help. However, there are several experiences that will be common to most consultations with a pelvic floor PT.

  • History. You will be asked to talk about what brings you to pelvic floor physical therapy. If you come for a particular symptom, you may be asked about potentially related symptoms. As talking about pelvic floor symptoms involves talking about sexuality, urinating, and pooping, this can be very difficult for some people. It may help to write down a list of your concerns in advance. You may also be asked to fill out a questionnaire about pelvic floor symptoms and function. There are several assessment tools that providers use to assess the pelvic floor.
  • Exam. There may be both an external and an internal exam. The external exam may involve having the pelvic floor physical therapist press against different muscles or having you perform actions that might activate those muscles (like coughing.) It may also involve looking at range of motion in surrounding areas. An internal exam may involve the provider putting their fingers in your vagina and/or rectum in order to check the tension in the muscles that surround and support those tissues.
  • Intervention. Physical therapists use a number of different techniques when working on the pelvic floor.

Some common types of pelvic floor PT interventions include:

  • Education about relevant aspects of pelvic anatomy, function, and hygiene
  • exercises designed to teach patients how to contract and relax the muscles of the pelvic floor. “Kegels” are a form of pelvic floor exercise.
  • Breathing exercises to help people relax and improve the efficiency of other exercises
  • Manual therapy, which could include hands-on massage or stretching. For some conditions, manual therapy may involve a provider having fingers inside the vagina or rectum in order to access affected muscles.
  • Biofeedback, which often uses technology to show patients how they are activating their pelvic floor muscles. This could include the use of a probe that is placed in the vagina or muscles and connected to a computer. Images on the computer show the person how their movements are affecting their muscles. They can then use this to learn how to relax and contract specific muscles. Biofeedback can also be performed by a therapist giving verbal feedback about muscle contraction.
  • Electrical stimulation of muscle groups to teach people how to coordinate the movement of those muscles. Percutaneous tibial nerve stimulation is another electrical stimulation technique that uses an electrode placed near the ankle to stimulate the nerves of the bladder. There is also some evidence that it can improve sexual function.4
  • Use of vaginal dilators to help patients learn to relax the muscles of the pelvis. Vaginal dilators may also be used in other circumstances, such as after vaginoplasty or for the treatment of vaginal agenesis.

One of the most important things about any physical therapy is that for it to work, patients need to do the work. That’s why in person physical therapy can sometimes be a better option for patients than being given instructions and asked to do exercises at home. If a doctor or other provider asks you to do pelvic floor exercises, and you think you’re not going to manage on your own, you might benefit from a referral to see a physical therapist.

Does Pelvic Floor PT Work for Sexual Health?

In spring of 2020, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologist released a practice bulletin on pelvic pain, in which they discussed that a combination of pelvic floor physical therapy and sex therapy can be important for individuals experiencing pain during sex.5 This is because, for many people, pain during sex is a reflection of a combination of both neuromuscular and psychosocial factors. The sex therapy helps with the psychosocial factors. The pelvic floor PT helps with the neuromuscular ones.

Special Training for Pelvic Floor Physical Therapists

Pelvic floor PTs are doctoral-level providers. They then must undergo additional, more specialized training to learn how to work with pelvic floor conditions, particularly those that require internal exams or procedures. Some pelvic floor therapists go even further and pursue certification as a Pelvic Rehabilitation Practitioner (PRPC) or a Women’s Health Clinical Specialist (WCS) or to seek a Certificate of Achievement in Pelvic Physical Therapy (CAPP).

It may be helpful to seek out therapists who are either board certified in a pelvic specialty or who are currently pursuing such certification under supervision. Physical therapists and other professionals who are particularly interested in sexual health may also seek training or certification from a specialized organization like the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).

Can People of All Sexes Benefit From Pelvic Floor PT?

Everyone has a pelvic floor. Thus anyone has the possibility of developing pelvic floor dysfunction. This is true no matter what your sex or gender. Depending on the particular pelvic floor PT clinic, therapists may see more individuals of one sex or another. However, issues like stress urinary incontinence are independent of sex. That said, specific risk factors are often sex-related. For example, two relatively common causes of incontinence are trauma from childbirth and prostate cancer surgery and radiation.

Transgender individuals can also benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy. Pelvic floor PT is often recommended for individuals considering a vaginoplasty, both before and after the procedure. Pelvic floor PT prior to surgery can identify and help with concerns related to pelvic floor dysfunction. After surgery, pelvic floor PT can help maintain pelvic floor health. It can also help women who have difficulty with the vaginal dilation that is required after vaginoplasty.6

A Word from Verywell

If you are experiencing sexual or other problems that could be related to pelvic floor dysfunction, talk to your doctor about whether it might make sense for you to explore pelvic floor PT. Pelvic floor PT can be a game-changer for some individuals who experience sexual difficulties such as pain or difficulty with penetration. It can also be a big help for those dealing with issues that can affect their sexual self image, like incontinence.

If you are trying to find a pelvic floor PT, it may take a little calling around. Check with your insurance to see what physical therapy providers are in-network, and then pick up the phone. You will want to ask not just whether or not the office provides pelvic floor PT but also things such as:

  • If any of their therapists are board-certified in pelvic floor PT
  • What, if any, specialized training providers have undergone
  • Whether they have experience treating your specific condition
  • Whether they have experience treating people of your gender

Because of the intimacy of the physical touch involved in pelvic floor PT, it is also reasonable to ask about the gender of potential providers—if that is important to you. Pelvic floor PT doesn’t involve sexual touch. However, for some individuals, clinical touch of sexualized areas of the body may be easier with either a same-gender or different-gender provider.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Get Back in Touch With Your Sexual Side If You Miss It

If you haven’t felt sexy since 2019—same.

By Patia Braithwaite

It might seem strange to read a story about how to feel sexier right now. It can seem unimportant considering the pressing concerns we’re all facing. Maybe you’re worried about your health, maybe you’re concerned about clear threats to democracy, or maybe you’re overwhelmed by childcare, work, and other pandemic-related stress. If how to feel sexier is the last thing you’re worried about, it’s understandable.

“We have to normalize that if you haven’t been ‘feeling it’ over the last few months, you’re normal,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., author of What Every Mental Health Professional Needs to Know About Sex, tells SELF.

In fact, when facing stressful or traumatic situations, it’s natural to “go back and forth between feeling disconnected as a coping strategy,” psychologist Liz Powell, Ph.D., author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. “It can be hard to reconnect with our body because our brain is trying to keep us from feeling fear, dread, and horror.”

So no one blames you if sexiness isn’t top of mind right now (or ever—that’s perfectly valid too). But if it’s a core part of yourself that you’ve been missing or craving, tapping into that feeling can come with benefits. Yes, feeling sexier is helpful if you’d like to have sex or just be more in touch with that part of yourself, but if you’ve spent the last few months as a disembodied ball of anxiety, finding ways to embrace sensuality and sexiness might also remind you of a time before the pandemic. You could end up feeling a little more secure in your own body. It could serve as an excellent distraction from the stresses of life, and if you’re exploring sex with a partner, it could also help you feel closer to each other as a big bonus. Below, you’ll find a few tips from sex therapists to help you feel a bit sexier—if you want—right now.

1. Gauge your baseline sexual energy pre-pandemic.

Before you stress about whether or not you’ve lost your “spark,” try to remember what your sex drive and sensuality were like before, er, all of this. Often we talk about these feelings as if strong sexual desire is a default way of experiencing the world (it’s not). But before you fret too much about even your pre-pandemic sex drive not being “high enough,” try to remember that sexiness and sexuality are multifaceted, and ask yourself what you think might have contributed to feeling less sexual than you would like in the past. Maybe you’ll realize some of those factors have actually changed for the better, like if your sex drive felt “too low” before the pandemic because you were dealing with health issues or relationship challenges that aren’t a problem anymore. If your drive was sort of faint or nonexistent before, be gentle with yourself as you explore. For instance, you might read some books to help you embrace your sexuality, you might consider getting a new sex toy, or if you’re in a relationship, you could try talking to your partner about what you’re feeling. Understanding what feels “normal” for you can help you set reasonable expectations for what “feeling sexy” may look like for you in 2021 and beyond.

2. Carve out time to prioritize pleasure—and remember that it’s important for resilience.

It can be easy, with all of the obligations you’re facing, to talk yourself out of any sexual desires that might be cropping up. In fact, given the Capitol riot, ongoing pandemic, police brutality, and more, it can feel downright silly or even selfish. But it’s not. “You cannot get through the long-term effort that change requires without having times you make for pleasure and enjoyment,” Dr. Powell explains, adding that you should schedule “protected time for self-pleasure” and make it as important as work and social obligations.

3. Recognize that your body has probably changed.

Just as it’s important not to romanticize who you were before the pandemic, remember to acknowledge that a lot has changed over the last few months—and that this impacts your mind and your body. “We are not in the world we were in a year ago,” Dr. Powell says. “That means that the way your body experiences pleasure and the way that your body functions may be different right now.” If, for instance, you’ve found yourself glued to your social media feeds and news (so, most of us), it could be having an impact on your mind and body. Experiencing chronic stress—which involves fight or flight hormones like cortisol and adrenaline—can have a major impact on your libido. So if your tried-and-true ways of tuning into that side of yourself are less effective, Dr. Powell suggests you ask yourself what you need, like, “Do I have to turn off the news and get off Twitter so that my brain can calm down?” It might not directly result in you feeling sexier, but it could help minimize stress so that you can reconnect to your body.

4. Then, adopt an experimental attitude.

To do this, you can revisit things you’ve ruled out or just never considered, and let your curiosity inspire new ideas. Dr. Powell suggests asking yourself questions like, “Does it help me to watch something really steamy? Does it help me to read some erotica? Does it help me to watch some porn or take a long bubble bath?” Trying new things and creating full-blown rituals—like turning off your phone notifications, lighting a candle, and watching a really sexy movie on Netflix—might help you feel a little sexier. You can absolutely experiment on your own, but if you have a partner who is ready and willing to help you get more in touch with your sexual side, you can include them in your experimentation. If necessary, work on moving away from the idea of sex only being one particular act, Dr. Buehler says, adding that you and your partner can find ways to be sensual and affection without feeling pressure to have “full-on” sex.

5. Consider playing around with your decor.

Stay with us here! It might be hard to find ways to feel sensual when you’re spending a lot of time in your house, Dr. Buehler says. “I think that’s part of our sexuality—getting out in the world, having adventures.” Clearly, the pandemic has pressed pause on many people’s ability to safely embark upon various kinds of adventures. But you might be able to bring items into your house that excite your senses a little. If reaching for a scented candle feels like advice you’ve heard before, consider a pillow spray, new perfume, or a fragrant floral arrangement. Dr. Buehler also suggests looking at your environment and making changes like rearranging furniture (maybe that means putting your bed closer to the window so you can feel the sun even if you’re stuck inside, or removing your TV from your bedroom). You might also upgrade your bedding to a softer fabric that feels great on your skin, or you could bring in a plant—somewhere that you see it often—to spruce up your environment.

6. Wear your sexiest pre-pandemic outfit (yup, just to lounge at home).

Much the way tweaking your decor might encourage you to feel a bit sexier, dressing up can help. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to walk around in lingerie (unless you want to). Instead, you might slip on that really cute dress that makes you feel like Rihanna, even if you’re just wearing it at home. It’s not about dressing for a specific occasion. It’s about wearing something that makes you feel good. “I think it’s a good idea to look in your closet and pull something out that you feel good in, even if you feel a little silly,” Dr. Buehler says. If your go-to outfit doesn’t work that same magic—maybe it doesn’t fit like it used to or simply doesn’t make you feel hot—it might be a good time to treat yourself to a new outfit if you have the money.

7. Try yoga or other forms of exercise.

If you’re not feeling particularly sexy at the moment, Dr. Buehler suggests physical practices, like yoga or deep breathing. “It doesn’t have to be a Vinyasa yoga routine, but just doing some breathing exercises, slow movements, or connecting with your body and reminding yourself that you can feel at home in the body can help,” Dr. Buehler says. Additionally, moderate exercise, like jogging or your favorite cardio workout, might help in a lot of ways, including boosting your mood and maybe encouraging your libido, the Mayo Clinic says.

8. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about your sex life.

To be fair, not feeling as in touch with your sexual side as you like may not top your list of mental health concerns. But that doesn’t mean you have to ignore it if it’s bothering you. If you feel like losing your sexual identity or having a low sex drive is part of a larger issue, or you’re experiencing this along with feelings like grief, sadness, rage, or despair, you might need some support from a health professional. Even if you think that not feeling sexy is NBD, given all of the “other things” to fret over, you might find that talking through your concerns with your primary care provider or a mental health professional has an impact on how you feel overall. And you can work directly with a sex therapist to explore some of your feelings, if possible. “Don’t feel any trepidation or shame,” Dr. Buehler says. “Sometimes just a few sessions can be really helpful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Aftercare Conversations Might Be the BDSM Practice You Need to Try

It’s a game changer (even if you’re vanilla).

By Patia Braithwaite

If you’re familiar with BDSM, you probably know that communication is a major through line. There’s a reason for this. As SELF previously reported, BDSM, which stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism, is a term that describes a wide swath of sexual behaviors that people enjoy. This can range from things like erotic spanking and using restraints to more mental stimulation through things like domination, submission, or light humiliation. BDSM is sort of an umbrella term that describes a host of activities that people might consider kinky, but kink is a larger term for sexual activities and fantasies that tend to fall outside of what we’d consider “conventional.” You can think of BDSM as one aspect of kink.

“Communication is really key to healthy and enjoyable kink scenes,” Liz Powell, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. You and potential partners might think you’re into the same things but “might have zero things in common,” Dr. Powell explains. “So communication is the way we find out what kink means for you.”

Ideally, at the onset of any kinky sexual activity, partners will pre-negotiate a scenario. This might involve talking through likes, dislikes, and hard limits. You and your partner(s) might agree on a safe word so that anyone can end the scene at any time, Dr. Powell explains. Communication, both verbal and nonverbal, continues throughout so that everyone feels safe and supported, Dr. Powell says. But what happens when things are winding down? “There’s some aftercare or ‘cool down’ that provides a place for people to come out of the roles they’ve been in,” Dr. Powell explains.

There are lots of ways to incorporate kink and BDSM into your sex life if you’re interested. But even if you’re not, you might want to try aftercare, which is the point where you and your partner attend to your own physical and psychological needs and each other’s.

For instance, people might check in with one another and make sure they are feeling okay. They might ask for feedback on the scene or talk about what they really liked or didn’t like. Aftercare doesn’t always have to be verbal, Dr. Powell explains, adding that it could include one partner putting a blanket over their partner, stroking their hair, or tending to any bruises that might’ve occurred during a kink scene. But it can absolutely be an overt conversation about what worked and what didn’t, Dr. Powell says.

Before we get into how you might do that, let’s break down why communication often gets lost in the shuffle in more vanilla interactions. There are so many cultural messages about how sex “should” be, especially for cis women who date cis men, that talking about wants and desires might be a turnoff, Lori Michels, L.M.F.T., AASECT-certified sex therapist, tells SELF. This means that when people have sex, they might not notice the need for clear and effective dialogue. Or they might not be as intentional as they could be. And even if they’re vocal before and while having sex, they might not see the need to debrief as things wind down. “A lot of people end up having sex that doesn’t feel great for them, and they don’t know how to express that to their partners,” Dr. Powell explains.

In BDSM and kink contexts, aftercare is an integrated part of sex, Michels says. It’s a natural progression that allows partners to leave the scene and come back to reality in an intentional and intimate way, she explains.

Aftercare conversations can be helpful for anyone, but Dr. Powell says it’s especially useful for folks who might have a freeze response when they are uncomfortable. Even with the best intentions and clear communication, occasionally, something might happen during sex that doesn’t thrill you. If you’re someone who freezes when you’re uncomfortable, it might be difficult to express that displeasure in real time. In an aftercare conversation, once your body has calmed down, you might be able to speak up about how things felt. It doesn’t have to happen immediately after sex either, Dr. Powell says. You might talk to your partner in a day or two, or even longer than that when you’ve had a chance to center yourself a bit.

If aftercare is something you want to bring into your own bedroom, there are a few ways you might broach the subject. To begin, Dr. Powell says it’s okay if you’re not quite sure how to start the conversation. In fact, if you’re feeling awkward, you should just say that. “Name the emotion you’re having about it,” Dr. Powell says. “It makes it easier for you, and it puts you and your partner on the same page.” You might even mention that you saw an interesting article on the topic, Dr. Powell suggests, so that it doesn’t come off as if you’re prepping to have an overwhelmingly critical conversation about your sex life.

If you’re really verbal (or super comfortable with your partner), Dr. Powell also suggests you frame your aftercare discussion around three things that worked well and three things you both might do differently. Often, when saying “how was it for you,” there’s an implication that the answer should be “great,” and that doesn’t leave much room for talking through things you might want to try a different way. You can say something like, “Tell me your favorite parts of what we did and what could we do to make things better or more exciting,” Dr. Powell says. Additionally, she suggests that asking for three positive notes and three things that you want to improve can increase the likelihood of getting honest feedback.

If you have major resistance to bringing up aftercare or you’re not quite sure what you liked and disliked about a certain sexual experience (or sex in general)—that’s okay. You can totally explore your own body and figure out the sensations that feel best for you, Michels says. It’s not unreasonable to have aftercare conversations with yourself, TBH. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the easier it will be to express those feelings to others, Michels explains.

And, Dr. Powell says, aftercare has implications outside of your bedroom. “Aftercare might be important during an argument when your bodies are still coming down from the big emotions and all the physiological responses,” she explains. “Any time you’re having a strong emotional response, something that looks like a version of aftercare could be helpful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex After Cancer

— The Topic No One Wants to Talk About

By

I was clueless when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The fear of the unknown was overwhelming. I had so many questions but didn’t have any answers. I did however find a group of breast cancer survivors through Facebook and quickly joined.

The post pinned at the top of the group’s page said that all questions were accepted, and the administrator of the group posted that no topic was off limits and that all posts would be kept confidential.

As someone who had many questions with very little answers, I quickly decided to join the group.

I perused the page for several months and quickly became “virtual friends” with some of the women. The ladies in the group became a wonderful resource. They were gracious and kind when I’d ask a question.

But one topic seemed off limits and it was one I really wanted to discuss — sex. At first, I was afraid to bring it up. Although I assumed that I wouldn’t be openly judged, it felt odd to discuss such a sensitive topic with complete strangers. But as I’d scroll through daily posts, I found I wasn’t the only one interested in post-cancer intimacy. There seemed to be others who needed answers.

Everything I’d read indicated people didn’t openly talk about their sex lives, at least those with severe health issues didn’t. But I found, after cancer treatment, many would admit, the physical relationship with their spouse had changed. What once had been a spontaneous and natural relationship had become uncomfortable and difficult. And, many who’d admitted their struggles chose to deal with it alone instead of trying to find help because they were embarrassed to do so.

I was thankful when the topic of sex gained popularity in the Facebook group. The administrator posted questions and wanted the members to share their thoughts. According to the responses, the reasons many were struggling in their sexual relationships was due to physical pain. The second opinion in the poll indicated emotional distress to be a huge factor. Some women posted comments regarding mastectomy. They indicated losing one or both breasts greatly affected their self-esteem and negatively impacted their desire for sexual intimacy. I was surprised at their candor.

What I discovered, through the online poll, was that some women found talking about post-cancer sex easy, but for others, including myself, it was a challenge. And I wondered why that was the case.

I’d always been raised to believe sex was supposed to be a wonderful part of marriage. It was designed to bring fulfillment to both members of a relationship. While I understood health challenges could certainly affect that area of a person’s life, I wondered why those who’d faced cancer-related intimacy issues didn’t want to share.

When the editors of CURE® recently suggested some relevant topics for VOICES contributor submissions, I looked through the short list. I’m always looking for something new and interesting to write about. One topic on that list grabbed my attention but frightened me at the same time — sex.

At first, I didn’t want to write about sex. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I needed to do it. From day one, I have always tried to be open and honest about my breast cancer journey. And, I have always felt it was important to share all aspects of my journey in hopes that something I share might help others. So, I pulled up my big girl panties and made the commitment. I would broach the subject as best I could.

It was many months after my treatment ended before my husband and I decided to become intimate. I’d felt self-conscious and wanted to wait. My husband was patient and understanding but when the time felt right, we decided to try.

That evening, we scheduled a time where we could relax and enjoy being together without distractions or interruptions. Neither of us had expectations. We were in uncharted territory. What we did know was we loved each other and wanted to be together.

Since losing my breasts, I hadn’t felt very feminine, so I decided to put on some lingerie in hopes of hiding my chest.

The evening began with gentle caresses and tender touches. As we shared our love, I noticed areas of sensitivity and discomfort. Whenever a touch was uncomfortable, I’d whisper in my husband’s ear and he’d focus on another area.

As we continued to reconnect, I realized I’d lost all feeling in my chest. The nerves had been severed during surgery and my torso was completely numb. I realized, what once had been a source of pleasure was no longer.

To protect our privacy, I won’t share the remainder of the details from that evening but suffice to say, we quickly learned to change and adapt to many of the challenges breast cancer brought our way.

I did some digging as I wanted to learn more about post-cancer intimacy and the issues many men and women face. I found there are many books on the subject.

A consensus, included in the information that I read, indicated that feeling anxious or uncomfortable toward sex after surgery or treatment was completely normal, especially for those who hadn’t been intimate in some time. I was glad to learn that! Continuing to read, I gathered valuable information which included important things to remember like:

  1. Don’t attempt a physical relationship until you are ready;
  2. Talk to your mate about your feelings;
  3. Be willing to adapt and try new things, and
  4. Consult a sex therapist if necessary.

According to breastcancer.org, “The most uncomfortable stuff to talk about is probably your sex life and the changes that have taken place with your illness. You may not know what needs fixing or how to fix it, but you know things are different.”

Many women report having less sex than before their illness, for several reasons:

  • The breast cancer experience slows down your body. It takes longer to do lots of things, including getting interested in, as well as starting and finishing, sexual intercourse.
  • Sex may be uncomfortable or even painful if you’ve been thrown into sudden-onset menopause. No surprise that you tend to have less sex, for now. Many women may have had little or no sex from the time of diagnosis through treatment.

Most people have wild ideas about what goes on in other people’s bedrooms. Give yourself a break: The carefully researched book Sex in America (by Michael, Gagnon, Laumann, and Kolata) tells us that Americans have a lot less sex than the movies, television, and the guys in the locker room would have you believe. The averages reported in that book are:

  1. seven times a month between ages 30 and 40;
  2. six times a month between ages 40 and 50, and
  3. five times a month between ages 50 and 60.

For people over 60, the numbers continue to decline. But although you may assume that no one in their 70s and 80s has a sex life, that’s just not so, the authors wrote.

Whew! It helped a lot to understand everyone’s sex life is very different and there’s no gold standard for what should or shouldn’t happen, especially post cancer. And, experts agreed, even if sexual activity has decreased or even stopped, it was OK. There were still ways to maintain closeness with a partner. Sex did not need to be the focus. Some survivors found contentment in holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and kissing.

My husband and I discovered, as we took the pressure off our relationship, by removing the sex equation, we had freedom to reconnect in ways we never imagined. It has taken time and it hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve managed to rekindle that precious part of our lives.

Discussing the topic of post-cancer sex can be challenging, but there are many good resources available. Some of the ones we found most helpful include:

Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (And Yourself) During Diagnosis, Treatment, and Beyond

Sex and Cancer: Intimacy, Romance, and Love after Diagnosis and Treatment

Sex and Cancer: Six Weeks to Better Sex for Couples During and after Cancer Treatment

The Breast Cancer Survival Manual, Sixth Edition: A Step-by-Step Guide for Women with Newly Diagnosed Breast Cancer

Dr. Susan Love’s Breast Book

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex trends to expect for the year ahead

By Ellen Scott

What’s going to be big in the world of sex this year, beyond plenty of lockdown masturbation?

More inclusive language, sexual telehealth, and intimate grooming for men, apparently.

These are all trends predicted for 2021 by Dominnique Karetsos, the CEO of The Healthy Pleasure Group, which is dedicated entirely to the sexual health and technology industry.

Below she breaks down her forecast of sex trends for the year ahead.

Sexual wellness will be a priority

2020 saw a massive rise in sex toy sales, pointing to a renewed focus on self-pleasure, and Dominnique reckons that trend will continue in the year ahead.

We’ll continue to care deeply about connecting with ourselves and enjoying solo pleasure.

‘It has been a tough and challenging year, at times it felt like crawling through sludge, but on the other side it was filled with celebration,’ says Dominnique. ‘Celebrating and exploring what mother nature permitted us to explore in lockdown and the innovation, education and investment that will steer 2021 into healthier behavioural change.’

Intimate grooming for men

Brands will launch products and ranges specifically targeted to men’s sexual pleasure and wellbeing.

Think pubic hair oils targeted at men, organic lubes, and solo sex toys designed for the penis.

More inclusive, sex-positive language

‘We will see a collosal shift in reshaping the language and education in our space,’ sayd Dominnique, ‘affirming that pleasure is healthy, sex is to be explored solo or otherwise, that its ok to not to be ok, that marginalised communities deserve to be witnessed and heard.

‘From trans communities, those with disabilities, sex workers who should not be de-humanised, all these narratives have made news headlines, acronyms like enby when referring to the non-binary community, brands like EXO have launched world first products with inclusive language for trans women community, Lovehoney investing in disibility ranges and campaigns from Handi.

‘Language is vital in offering us education so we can learn how to shape our own narratives while considering our tolerance and sexual empathy for others.

‘The power of the language has the ability to build countries, reshape policies and carve spaces for our identities; just look at the acknowledgement of the use of pronouns she/he/they. It is just the beginning. Lexicons are how humanity is witnessed, here is hoping that this trend evolves into our new cultural fibre for a positive social impact.’

Sexual spaces online

The sex and health industry is ditching social platforms with harsh restrictions on sexual content and making their own spaces.

‘Innovation of social platforms like Pleazeme.com is providing safe places for all to explore their sexualities, health and wellness,’ says Dominnique. ‘STIs are shifting beyond delivering results on mobiles and encouraging ways for us to share our ‘safe to play’ results, lead by brand iPlaySafe – it won’t be long before you tick the IplaySafe box on your dating app profile before you play.

‘These digital landscapes are our new playgrounds that positively aim to make for a smart internet of sexual health and no longer having our sexualities dictated by archaic commercial structures.’

Gamification of sexual pleasure

Dominnique points towards apps like Clitar Hero, a touch screen game that matches specific pleasure techniques with music and lets you play your way to an orgasm.

‘This is all about having fun and normalising girls’ sexual pleasure,’ she explains. ‘Expect to see many more brands use gamification as a way to engage and expand reach.

‘I look forward to seeing gamification in sex ed in schools, A geat tool to adapt to different ages with relevance.’

Telehealth for sexual dysfunctions

Dominnique says: ‘Brands like Hims and Hers, Numan , Manual, Elanza Wellness have facilitated medical and professional help being delivered to millions of beings in the safety of their homes.

‘There’s nothing like a global threat to humanity to rethink how we heal humans and I believe it is safe to say we will never go back to traditional clinical care or advice about our sexual health. We can only move forward and evolve.’

Improvements to fertility care and contraception

Expect greater innovation in the world of contraception and conception.

‘Brands like OOVA and Lab’s like Cemag Care are revolutionising how we track and translate our hormones aiding women to make accurate and supported decisions about their fertility options or contraceptives,’ says Dominnique. ‘Innovation like Ballerine from OCON MED means as women we have safer, more comfortable, hormone-free smart IUD.’

Smart sex robots and virtual reality learning

Dominnique predicts more excitement in the world of sex robots and AI.

‘Brands like Hatsumi are using VR as immersive research to teach and deliver ultimate experiences from pleasure to death doula, while HPG Lab has developed exclusive IP for robotic clit stimulators,’ she says. ‘These are the next generation of toys to help women learn how to have an orgasm.

‘O School and The Femedic are brands using AI and other smart data technology to ensure our learning and content is not just trustworthy and accurate but relevant.

‘So yes robotics and AI can be used to positively impact our experiences.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘Don’t do it just before going to sleep’: how to have better sex

Wherever you’re at in life, there’s always more to learn. Here are some ways to inject joy into your sex life

by Ruby Rare

Messages about sex are everywhere: from advertising to porn to social media feeds. But rarely do they feel inclusive, consensual and pleasure-focused. I’m here to change that. My goal is to get people speaking more confidently about sex.

I spent five years teaching relationship and sex education to young people at the sexual health charity Brook, and while it’s vital these messages are communicated to teenagers, it shouldn’t start and end at school. Wherever you’re at in life, there’s always more to learn.

The underlying message of so much advice is, “Buy this, and your sex life will improve.” As we start a new year, I encourage you to spend time on your sex life, not money. This is about feeling connected and empowered through sexual play, not constantly pushing boundaries. Here are some ways to inject joy into your sex life.

Create an environment in which desire can thrive For most of us, this means somewhere comfortable and safe, where we feel able to communicate our needs (although if al fresco escapades are your thing, be my guest). Turn off your phone, try to put everyday stresses to one side, and if something’s on your mind, acknowledge it – to a partner, a friend, or to yourself. Communication is key.

The best quality for great sex is curiosity Be playful with your touch, and remember that not every movement you make needs to be mind-blowing. Consensual touch given with care and curiosity is always going to contribute something nice to a sexual experience.

Trying acrobatic new positions is overrated Variations on classics work far better than anything that’ll risk you slipping a disc. Rather than reinventing the wheel, think about the sensation you’re looking for (lots of bodily contact; room for direct stimulation), and choose a position that’s going to provide that.

Stop having sex just before going to sleep This actually comes from my mum, and it’s a gamechanger. If you wanted to get better at any other activity, would you wait to do it at the end of the day, when you’re knackered? Absolutely not. Evening sex can be lovely, but I (and evidently my mum) champion afternoon sex where possible – it makes things leisurely and indulgent.

Avoid chasing an orgasm I’ve been guilty of making sex so goal-oriented that I forget to enjoy all the stuff leading up to the grand finale. Try to avoid preconceived notions of what’s going to happen before you get started, and take the focus away from where it may lead – it’s best when you’re in the moment. Oh, and a penile orgasm doesn’t automatically signal the end of sex, OK?

Great sex involves lube: the notion that you shouldn’t need it is outdated and unhelpful I like to think of it as the ultimate sex toy, because whatever you’re doing, a good dollop of lubrication is guaranteed to change and heighten the sensation. If you’re not using it, what are you doing? And if you are, try using even more.

Believe in the importance of solo sex Masturbation is a space to indulge in your own pleasure and explore new sensations. If you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to feel as if your sexuality is tied to your partner, but it exists in its own right. Investing time to explore this on your own is a way of claiming agency over your pleasure. Plus, everything you learn can be communicated to lovers for better partnered sex.

Don’t sugarcoat the challenging stuff Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum: stress, parenting duties, mental health, body image, all this and more can impact our ability to feel desire. There’s a lot of difficult, painful stuff we have to wade through, which we can’t shy away from. It may sound counterintuitive coming from a sex educator, but it’s OK not to feel sexual; desire ebbs and flows – please remember to be kind to yourself.

And here’s the biggie: stop thinking about how you should be having sex, and focus on what you want out of sex and pleasure Provided it’s consensual, there’s no wrong way to have sex. Throw the prescribed messages about what you should and shouldn’t be doing out of the window, and focus on having fun.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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High blood pressure may lead to sexual dysfunction in women

— Know how to deal with it

By: Arushi Bidhuri

If you have high blood pressure and experiencing troubles in your sex life, then you might want to see a doctor. Sexual dysfunction in women with hypertension is not as common as it is men. But it does affect women.

High blood pressure or hypertension is a silent disease that affects millions of people across the world. If left unnoticed, the high force of blood against the artery walls can damage blood vessels and lead to health problems.

Sexual Problems In Women With High Blood Pressure

The effects of high blood pressure in women are still under investigation. But some studies have suggested that hypertension can lead to sexual dysfunction in women.

A study published in the West African Journal of Medicine examined the relationship between hypertension and female sexual functions of arousal, lubrication and orgasm. The researchers found that hypertension may produce female sexual dysfunction.

Another 2006 study reported that women with high blood pressure were twice as likely to experience sexual dysfunction to women who had normal BP. Fluctuating blood pressure is no treat either. It can also lead to sexual problems, which is why it is vital to manage blood pressure.

Experts say that the link between high blood pressure and sexual dysfunction is more complicated than imagined. But what is the link between hypertension and sexual health?

Hypertension constricts proper blood flow, which can lead to sexual dysfunction. Clitoris and vagina also need a decent blood supply, which helps you have an orgasm. With decreased blood flow due to hypertension, some women may experience a decrease in sexual desire or arousal, vaginal dryness, or find it difficult to achieve orgasm.

Women with high blood pressure may have lower libido and less interest in sex, especially if they feel tired due to the condition.

High Blood Pressure May Even Affect Female Fertility

Furthermore, studies have suggested that chronic hypertension can cause poor egg quality and lead to many health problems. A study published in the International Journal of Fertility & Sterility suggests that excess estrogen production in women with hypertension can lead to infertility.

What Can You Do To Manage High Blood Pressure

If you are suffering from hypertension and have sexual issues, then here are some strategies to help you take charge of your sex life by managing the condition.

Exercise

Regular exercise will not only improve your sex life but help you manage hypertension. It will reduce stress, improve flexibility and mitigate the risk of developing many other health problems.

Eat A Balanced Diet

Yes, eating healthy foods can lead to better sex life and improve libido. Eat nuts, berries, avocados, fruits, and green veggies to control hypertension and related disorders.

Cut Back On Alcohol And Smoking

Drinking too much alcohol and smoking can also contribute to hypertension, which can lead to sexual dysfunction. Avoid both to manage the symptoms.

Watch Your Waistline

Hypertension often increases as weight increases. Keeping your weight in check may help you manage your blood pressure levels and improve sexual performance.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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10 Tips For Exploring Your Sexuality While You’re in a Monogamous Relationship

By Gabrielle Kassel

I’m bisexual and very outspoken about it on social media. As such, a lot of bicurious and bisexual folks slide into my DMs to ask for advice. The most common question I receive? “I think I might be bi…but I’m in a monogamous relationship. What should I do?” The implication being that many believe bisexual monogamy to be impossible, and that’s very much not the case.

In fact, not only is it entirely possible to explore your sexual identity while you’re in a relationship—it’s actually recommended. By suppressing this type of soul-searching necessary to feel self-actualized, you run the risk of not being able to be your fullest, most honest self within any relationship you have. And that’s a losing situation for you and any partners you may have, in any relationship structure. So, how can you go about the sexploration without putting your current monogamous union at risk? Keep reading for expert tips.

Below, experts share 10 strategies for exploring bisexual monogamy

1. Talk with your partner

If your partner isn’t aware of your desire to explore your sexuality, loop them in if you feel safe in doing so. Withholding information from your partner can intensify the anxiety that they may react poorly.

Beyond quelling nerves, sharing with your partner can actually improve intimacy and trust within your relationship, says Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R, CST, director and sex therapist at the Gender & Sexuality Therapy Center in NYC. “This might be an opportunity for you two to have a larger conversation about desires, fantasies, and new ways of being sexual,” they say. And, who knows? Maybe your partner is also interested in exploring their own sexuality.

2. Ask yourself how important it is to you to hook up with people of other genders

To be clear, it’s absolutely possible to explore your sexuality and affirm your queerness within a monogamous relationship. “You definitely don’t need to go hook up with a bunch of people to explore your sexuality,” says Kahn. “You don’t have to have experiences with anyone of any gender in order to confidently declare that you are bisexual, or queer, or pansexual.”

“You don’t need to hook up with a bunch of people to explore your sexuality. You don’t have to have experiences with anyone of any gender in order to confidently declare that you are bisexual, or queer, or pansexual.” —sex therapist Jesse Kahn, LCSW-R

But, that doesn’t mean you can’t if you want to: “If you want to have experiences with people of genders different from your partner’s that is absolutely okay,” says Gabrielle Alexa Noel, bisexual advocate, founder of Bi Girls Club, and author of the forthcoming book, How To Live With the Internet and Not Let It Ruin Your Life. “It doesn’t make you selfish.” In this case, you do need to be honest with your partner about your desires so you can make a decision together about whether or not you’re going to open up your relationship or break up.

3. Open up your relationship

“If you and your partner mutually decide to open up the relationship, it’ll be important to move at a pace of exploration that is comfortable for you both,” says Luna Matatas, sexuality educator and creator of Peg the Patriarchy. “That means establishing clear boundaries around emotional and physical safety, determining how and how often you’re going to check in, and coming up with a game-plan to manage uncomfortable moments and feelings that are going to come up.”

To help you prepare for the difficulties of opening up a previously-closed partnership, she recommends hiring a queer-inclusive couples-therapist who specializes in non-monogamy. You could also read books together about opening your relationship.

4. Learn more about LGBTQ+ history

“Learning more about [LGBTQ+ history], is a great way to feel less alone and less isolated in your experience,” says Matatas. “It can also help put context into some of the shame or challenges or discomfort you might be experiencing by helping you understand the social location in history [of LGBTQ+ people] and how that still shapes a lot of our beliefs today. “

For bicurious folks, Kahn recommends giving @bihistory a follow on Instagram. As the account’s name suggests, its “sole purpose is to educate people about the history of bisexuality, bi communities, and queer activism.” Other LGBTQ+ history accounts to explore include: @blacklesbianarchives, @lesbianherstoryarchives, @h_e_r_s_t_o_r_y, @queerapalachia, and @LGBThistory.

5. Make queer friends

“Exploring queer community spaces in person and online, and making queer friends is another way to feel less alone in your budding queerness,” says Kahn. By using inclusive platforms—like the dating app Lex—you’ll meet folks who had similar experiences as you, which can help normalize what you’re feeling. Whether you’re looking for a bisexual reading group, queer friend to play Catan with, or more LGBTQ+ friends who work in your field, you can let other users know. You could also consult your local LGBTQ+ center, if you have one, for a list of upcoming LGBTQ+ events—whether digital or in person, if meeting up is a safe option for you.

6. Masturbate, masturbate, and masturbate some more

“Solo sex relieves all the pressures that can be associated with partnered sex and gives you space to play with your fantasies,” says Matatas. If while doing so, your mind wanders to the thought of you tasting your college roommate? Go with it! If you begin dreaming of strapping on for your hot, out co-worker? Dream on!

7. Flip on porn

From threesomes and group sex to strap-on sex and scissoring, Matatas recommends watching a wide variety of (paid) porn to see what intrigues you. “Enjoying queer porn doesn’t necessarily mean you’re queer,” says queer sex educator Andy Duran, education director for Good Vibrations. “But it may teach you about some sex acts you want to learn more about.”

But, since porn is entertainment, not education, learning how to make the sex acts you see a safe and pleasurable option to try in your real life may require asking Google or a sex educator.

8. Don’t forget about non-visual porn

Visual porn is great, but don’t snooze on audio and written erotica, either—both of which allow pleasure-seekers to fill in the blanks and envision themselves in a scene.

Given that so much audio and written erotica is also created by women and nonbinary folks for women and nonbinary folks, the resulting content tends to focus on the whole pleasure experience above climax.

9. Journal

“Journaling allows you to explore your queer sexuality and think about what that means to you,” says Kahn. They recommend the following journal prompts:

  1. What does it feel like when I say my identity out loud?
  2. What is the first thing that comes to mind when I say the word queer/bisexual/pansexual?
  3. Where in my body do I feel my queerness the most?
  4. How can I express my queerness in my sex life with my current partner?
  5. How can I celebrate my queerness with my friends? What about with my partner?
  6. What still feels distant and unknowable about my sexuality?
  7. If relevant, why am I having trouble connecting with my sexuality? What are my roadblocks?
  8. How did/does “straightness” show up in my life before beginning to explore my sexuality?
  9. How did/does compulsory heterosexuality influence the way my partner(s) and I behave around and toward one another?
  10. In what ways does exploring my sexuality feel healing to me?

10. Check out chat rooms

If it’s within the boundaries of your relationship with your partner, Matatas suggests diving into the wonderful world of chat rooms. From Chaturbate and Talk With Strangers to Instagram and Twitter DMs, chatting with strangers “can allow you to talk through and explore new sex acts than what you’re exploring with your partner,” says Matatas. Just be safe about it by making sure you don’t share any identifiable info with the folks on the other end.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sales of sex toys have boomed during lockdown

– and people are getting kinkier than ever

By Grace Dean

  • Since the pandemic first hit, people round the world have been buying more sex toys as they stay at home.
  • And people have been choosing kinkier options than usual, UK sex toy retailer Ann Summers told Insider, with sales of BDSM and high-tech equipment up in 2020.
  • “It appears we’ve been using our extra time to escape reality and try out new things in the bedroom,” the retailer said.
  • Sales of sex dolls have risen in the US this year, but the apparel industry has taken a huge hit during the pandemic, and lingerie is no exception.

People have been buying more sex toys during 2020 – and the products are kinkier than before, too, with more people buying BDSM and high-tech equipment.

Online sales of sex toys in the UK more than doubled when the country first entered lockdown in April. And this demand stayed strong over the course of 2020, sales data from British sex toys and lingerie specialist Ann Summers shows.

“The UK has become kinkier and more adventurous, with more people than ever spicing up their sex lives by trying out BDSM products and anal sex,” Ann Summers said in a press release sent to Insider.

It sold nine times as many leatherette paddles for spanking in the week from November 26 as it did during the same week in 2020, and sales of spreader bars and ball gags & nipple clamps were up more than fourfold, too.

UK retail marketplace Love The Sales also noted that sales of bondage sets rose 97% and basque sets 101% from 2019 to 2020.

This interest in sexual experimentation during lockdown is reflected in what people have been googling in 2020. UK searches for “what is pegging in sex?” have seen a 250% increase, according to data from Google Trends, while “what is BDSM?” searches are up by 70%.

Ann Summers added: “2020 has been a difficult year for many and it appears we’ve been using our extra time to escape reality and try out new things in the bedroom.”

High-tech sex toys have dominated its sales this year, the company noted, with the thrusting g-spot rampant rabbit its best-selling sex toy of 2020. Sales of remote control sex toys have also risen, with sales of one product up eleven-fold year-on-year.

“It’s clear from this data that consumers are starting to favor sex toys that are smarter, more innovative, and more tech-focused in order to provide the kind of pleasure they want,” Ann Summers explained.

“For many, this isn’t always a realistic dildo design, so we’re seeing artistic, modern, simple, and abstract sex toy designs on the rise.”

Interest in anal sex also rocketed during 2020, Ann Summers said. The company’s Intro to Anal Kit was its best-selling anal sex product of 2020, suggesting that more people were trying it for the first time.

As well as trying different toys, couples have also been buying more games to spice up their sex lives during lockdown. Sales of Ann Summers’ Kama Sutra Sex Positions Cards were up 144% year-on-year during Black Friday week, while sales of its Monogamy Couples Board Game and 50 Days of Play Couples Game more than tripled.

Ann Summers added that “people in the UK who are missing the office this year may be turning to roleplay,” noting that Black Friday week sales of its Sexy Secretary outfit doubled in 2020. Its Santa dress was its 10th best-selling item during Black Friday week.

It isn’t just Brits that are buying more sex toys. Sex toy use in the US has grown 10% during the pandemic, according to a survey of 1,464 Americans by sex toy retailer Ella Paradis.

Some people are turning to other types of sex toys during the pandemic, too – including sex dolls.

The New York Post reported that Americans are buying more of the life-like dolls, with sales up 25% year-on-year, according to Silicon Wives owner Bryan Gill. The biggest spikes have been in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Dallas, he added.

Although sex toy sales are booming, the apparel industry has taken a huge hit during the pandemic, and lingerie is no exception.

Mintel predicts that underwear sales in the UK will drop by 12% this year, with sales of high-end lingerie especially affected because of the cancellation of formal events such as weddings and parties.

But some lingerie companies and boutiques have seen above-average sales during the pandemic as people focus on self-care and divert their budgets from outdoor clothing. Love The Sales told Insider that sales of lingerie were up 49% year-on-year across its brands – including a 118% rise in sales of babydoll sets.

Silk lingerie is selling better than other fabrics these days because it’s comfortable for working from home, one lingerie seller told Business Insider, and some companies have seen sales rise for other non-lingerie products, they say, such as loungewear and pajamas.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The Best Sex Advice We Heard From Experts In 2020

by Kelly Gonsalves

Amid everything that’s happened this year, it’s possible sex wasn’t your top priority. But here at mbg, we believe intimacy can be a reprieve from the chaos—a source of much-needed relaxation, self-care, and pleasure. Below, here are some of the best tidbits of advice we received from our sexuality experts this year that you may have missed but will always be relevant when you’re ready for them.

Couples need more nonsexual touch.

“I often talk with the couples I work with about the importance of nonsexual touch in a relationship. It is okay to tickle each other, rub your partner’s back or simple sit close side-by-side. Those things are intimate but does not have to lead to sex. It is important for your partner to understand that every time you touch them, it is not always an invitation to jump your bones.”

—Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist

Remember that you’re in charge of your own arousal.

“Girls continue to be raised with the expectation that their experience of sexual arousal and desire lies in the hands of another. With very little reality-based, concrete sex education to be had in schools or homes, girls, and later, women, don’t always know the intricacies of their own bodies and how they work, what sensations mean or don’t mean, how their sensory and physical responses (or lack of responses) connect to lust, arousal, and love, and even simply what feels good and what doesn’t. If women don’t know these things about themselves and their bodies, how likely is it that a partner will?

Saddling your partner with a disproportionate amount of responsibility for your arousal can limit them and disempower you. It leaves you in a position where you’re dependent on another person for your own sexual engagement. I’m not saying people shouldn’t strive to get to know their partner’s sexuality and sexual preferences or that there’s no such thing as skilled lovemaking. I am saying that expecting your partner to arouse you can set up an all-or-nothing dynamic that blocks your own sexual desire. This expectation has as its subtext, ‘Either you know how to arouse me, or you don’t. If you don’t, we’re not a good match.’ This can lead you down the path of unrealistic hopes and erotic rescue fantasies.”

—Alicia Muñoz, LPC, couples therapist

If you masturbate frequently, mix up your masturbation method every now and then.

“If a person enjoys masturbating in a specific routinized way (e.g. always sitting in a chair, or to pornography, or with a tight fist) and only masturbates in that way, they may notice difficulty maintaining their erectile or reaching orgasm in partnered sex if it doesn’t mirror what they do when they’re alone. To avoid this potential risk, men can try switching things up every so often in their masturbation practice, and they also could add in some of their solo play activities to partnered sex! This could look like watching porn together, trying mutual masturbation, showing their partner how they like to be touched or guiding their hands, having sex in the places you masturbate, or starting with partnered play and then bringing themselves to orgasm in the way they usually do.”

—Shadeen Francis, LMFT, sex and relationship therapist

Have some type of sexual intimacy every 48 hours.

“Usually after doing some initial work with a couple, if both partners are open and willing, I will prescribe some form of sexual intimacy to be shared between the couple at least every 48 hours to speed up their reconnection.

That’s right: some kind of sexual intimacy, every 48 hours.

First of all, when I say ‘have sexual intimacy every 48 hours,’ I’m not talking about penis-in-vagina intercourse exclusively. It’s important for couples to expand their definition of sex to include other forms of sexual intimacy such as sensate touch, sensual massage, manual stimulation, and naked cuddling, just to name a few. There are many types of sexual touch that can be physically pleasurable, and all of it helps couples foster more intimacy and connection.”

—Sara Sloan, Ph.D. LMFT-A, sex therapist

Recognize the link between emotional and sexual intimacy in relationships.

“Emotional intimacy is being able to share your feelings. Being emotionally intimate with another person means being vulnerable and knowing that you’re not going to be hurt by them. This ability to share your emotions, outlook, and feelings grows your connection as a couple.

Sexual intimacy is being able to connect sexually with your partner in an emotionally and physically safe way. Sexual intimacy improves when two people can openly discuss needs, wants, or desires, creating a safe space where both individuals can communicate their physical and sexual needs without being judged.

When you get your emotional needs met and feel emotionally connected to your partner (that is, you have emotional intimacy), then you’re often more able and willing to connect sexually. In other words, emotional intimacy often bolsters sexual intimacy.”

—Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D., LPCC, LMHC, CST, clinical sexologist and psychotherapist

Having a sexual health provider you really trust matters—especially for Black women.

“Sexual communication is not only vital to sexual relationships; it is essential for doctor-patient relationships. Meeting with health care professionals for preventive care and to discuss sexual health concerns leads to a better sex life. Unfortunately, much of Black history in America stems from elements of slavery that has affected several generations. Medical experimentation on Black bodies is not just a thing of the past, and that history comes with understandable mistrust of information and treatment from medical providers. Throughout history, Black women have endured medical mistreatment and tend to feel as if they are unseen and unheard.

More than ever, Black women need access to quality sexual health care and, more importantly, a trusted medical provider. They deserve to feel like their sexual health care experiences are provided in a confidential, respectful, and nonjudgmental manner.”

—Ashley Townes, Ph.D., MPH, epidemiologist

If you open yourself to it, you can access orgasmic energy even without physical touch.

“The basic idea behind the energy orgasm is that we all have this potent stream of Eros within us, this sexual, creative, life force energy flowing and animating our being at all times. This flow is literally available to us continuously, but unfortunately, it’s currently not socially acceptable to fall into an orgasmic swoon in public at any time of the day or night, so we generally hold our energy systems kind of tightly and keep our minds firmly in control of the situation.

Due to a variety of factors, the vast majority of people only know how to access orgasmic energy when their genitals are being stimulated, with some requiring greater levels of stimulation than others to get to that place of energetic expansion and flow. (For some it is still frustratingly difficult to access orgasmic energy even with physical stimulation, possibly because the mind is stubbornly clinging on too tightly. This could be due to past traumas, feeling unsafe in one’s body, the presence of physical pain, negative social conditioning or shame around sexual pleasure, unhelpful belief systems or patterns regarding one’s sexuality, or any number of challenges.)

An energy orgasm can also be called a ‘mind-gasm’ because you only have to ‘let go’ of your mind in a particular way to allow the power of this orgasmic flow to come through. You could say that most people may only ‘let’ themselves access it during genital stimulation, but once you know it’s possible to connect with this energy without direct physical contact, it becomes vastly more available to you.”

—Leslie Grace, R.N., registered nurse and certified tantra educator

“For couples who might be struggling with sexual intimacy but feel connected in other areas of the relationship, I recommend scheduling sex. Yes, I said schedule sex.

This doesn’t mean what you might be thinking it means. And it doesn’t make sex less spontaneous. Scheduling sex is a way to show your partner that you want to prioritize sex just as you do other areas of importance in your life. Scheduling sex doesn’t mean that your sex life will run on a schedule like, every Tuesday, at 8 p.m., in the missionary position, for 6 minutes. No, not like that.

Sometimes scheduling sex is telling your partner to be naked when you get home.”

—Shamyra Howard, LCSW, sex therapist

Reject the narratives about what you “should” be doing with life after 40.

“When you feel trapped in a box, you don’t want to have sex. Truly making love is generative, free, expressive, and creative. It’s a dance that takes place in an open field, not a dark tunnel. Love cannot be confined within walls. Trying to do so makes it die.

This observation points to one of the key findings of my research and perhaps the most important ‘secret.’ It’s not aging that causes our sex lives to decline. It’s the feeling, conscious or subconscious, that we are trapped.

This is why women of all ages invariably have a spike in libido when they start a new relationship and why having a deep spiritual understanding (of something bigger than ourselves) is associated with a better sex life. The truth is we are not and never were trapped. We put ourselves in a prison but forget we hold the key. Outside those walls is a world of infinite possibility.

As I talked with the sexually woke, this theme came up over and over again. These women did not complain about aging; rather, they appreciated their newfound wisdom and freedom and universally described this as the best time of their lives.”

—Susan Hardwick-Smith, MD, OB-GYN

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What Does Bi-Curious Mean, and How Is It Different From Bisexuality?

These two terms mean very different things.

By Jessica Migala

Bisexuality is a sexual identity most people are at least a little familiar with. But what about the term bi-curious—is this a separate identity as well, or is it part of being bisexual? How do you know if you’re bi-curious, anyway? Because the word can be confusing, we asked experts to weigh in and clear up some questions and misconceptions.

What is bi-curious?

Let’s say you identify as a heterosexual woman, but you find yourself fantasizing about pursuing a sexual encounter with another woman. Maybe she’s someone you know, someone you’ve met very briefly, or even someone you saw while watching porn. Either way, the term bi-curious would likely apply to you—whether you have a sexual encounter with that person or not.

Bi-curious generally means that a person wants to explore sexual activity with a person of a gender identity different than the gender they are usually attracted to, Marla Renee Stewart, sexologist, owner of sexuality education company Velvet Lips, and faculty member at Clayton State University in Georgia, tells Health. For example, a heterosexual woman might desire a sexual relationship with another woman, or a woman who identifies as a lesbian might find herself interested in having sex with a man. It could be a specific person, or the attraction might be to a different gender as a whole.

This attraction might stay in your mind and never turn into a real encounter. Or it might make you want to see what they’re all about. “You might reflect on your childhood interactions and feelings and realize you didn’t get to explore a facet of yourself due to [factors like] social restrictions, religion, [and more],” Stewart says. Ultimately, this “might mean that you are more open-minded than you previously thought, and you might be ready to step into your authenticity,” she adds.

Does being bi-curious mean you’re gay?

It might. If you’re a heterosexual woman, maybe after some self-reflection and exploration you decide you have an identity as a lesbian. But you might also call yourself bisexual, heterosexual, or use another sexual identity that speaks more truly to who you are. That’s for you to decide.

What’s the difference between bi-curious and bisexual?

The Human Rights Campaign (HRC) defines bisexuality as “someone who can be attracted to more than one gender.” However, this LGBTQ+ advocacy group says that many adults also use the term bisexual in a broader way, to describe that they have the potential to be romantically or sexually attracted to more than one sex or gender. The latter definition allows for more flexibility and fluidity.

What should I do if I think I’m bi-curious?

If you’re bi-curious, you don’t have to rush to figure it out. “The term bi-curious really is designed to help people identify a burgeoning or existing curiosity without really committing to any kind of identity around their sexuality. That’s the distinction between being bi-curious and bisexual,” Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, PACT-couples therapist, and founder of the mental and sexual health practice Modern Intimacy, tells Health. “Bi-curious gives people permission to entertain their arousal and explore how it takes shape without making a commitment.”

If you realize you’re bi-curious, it can feel a little scary, acknowledges Balestrieri. “Your likes and arousal can change over time. People often feel like they have to come to some crystalized understanding of their sexuality and that’s the pattern they have for the rest of their life,” she says. But it’s hardly uncommon for people to realize they’re attracted to a different gender—and then decide if they want to pursue a sexual encounter or not.

When should I start exploring being bi-curious?

“You should only act if you have weighed the benefits and consequences and feel that you are ready to step into it,” advises Stewart. “Really evaluating your actions and not going into something blindly is the best thing that you could do for yourself.”

Those glimmers of attraction to more than one gender or people who are non-binary might represent something that will be more of a constant in your life, but you may or may not be ready to solidify your idea of your sexuality, explains Balestrieri. For more resources on navigating being bi-curious, Stewart recommends visiting bi.org.

A first step, however, might be to check out dating apps for people you might be interested in. If you feel shy or hesitant to point out your intention, it’s okay to say that you’re bi-curious, exploring, or just aren’t sure yet. What’s more, the pandemic is actually the perfect time to take things slow and get to know someone virtually, taking off the pressure to move forward before you’re really ready. You might also know that you’re ready now; there’s no timeline.

It’s also worth saying that you may be worried about other people’s opinions if bi-curious exploration becomes part of your sexual identity. “You get to define who you are attracted to and love, and no one else’s opinion needs to influence your sexuality. That’s easier said than done, though,” says Balestrieri. She suggests reaching out to others who are sex positive who will support you through this process of investigation. When you’re ready, take the steps forward in a pace that feels right. “Spend the time thinking about what’s emotionally, physically, and sexually safe for you,” she says.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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8 Fascinating Things Scientists Discovered About Sex In 2020

by Kelly Gonsalves

While most of the world’s eyes remained understandably glued to the ongoing research around the coronavirus, immunity, and vaccine science, there were actually plenty of fascinating developments in the world of sexuality research. Behold, a small sampling of the many interesting studies about sex published this year.

1. People’s sex drives responded to the pandemic in a variety of ways.

When much of the world went into lockdown in March to stave off the spread of the virus, some early research found our collective libido also seemed to creak to a halt. One study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine in May found that since the pandemic kicked off, 60% of British adults reported not having sex or even masturbating at least weekly.

But another study published in the International Journal of Gynecology & Obstetrics found women were actually having more sex—and generally felt more sexual desire—in the early months of the pandemic. That said, the quality of sex had gotten worse for women, with researchers finding a “significant deterioration” in women’s sexual functioning, which includes things like arousal, lubrication, and ability to orgasm.

Together, these diverging studies suggest there are many different ways the pandemic has affected sex, which dovetails with what sex therapists have been telling us about the complex relationship between stress and libido. For some people, stress can tank your sex drive—but for others, sex can be a go-to stress reliever.

2. There’s a link between gratitude and good sex.

Gratitude practices might have some sexual benefits for people in relationships, according to a study published in the Social Psychological and Personality Science journal. Researchers found that both feeling gratitude and receiving gratitude in your relationship tended to make people care more about their partner’s pleasure—which in turn tended to lead to better sex for both parties. Why? When a person feels grateful for their partner (and their partner is showing appreciation for them), they’re likely to want to invest more into all the things that keep the relationship healthy and happy—including good sex.

3. You can smell when a woman is aroused.

Apparently, the experience of arousal comes with a certain scent—and it’s one that other people might be able to pick up. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that men could tell the difference between women who were sexually aroused and women who weren’t, all just by smelling their sweat. Previous research has indeed found that other emotional states—like sadness and fear—also have identifiable scents, aka “chemosignals.” According to this latest study, sexual arousal seems to be no different.

4. There are two types of low sexual desire among women.

In a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers surveyed over 500 women in long-term relationships to try to identify a typology of desire. They found women struggling with low sexual desire can be categorized into one of two distinct groups: “globally distressed women” and “sexually dissatisfied women.” Globally distressed women had low sexual desire relative to other women, but they were also dealing with very low relationship satisfaction and high overall life stress. In comparison, sexually dissatisfied women also had relatively low sexual desire, but they had more normal levels of relationship satisfaction and life stress—suggesting their issues were contained to the bedroom.

“It is possible that women with low sexual desire share a similar outcome but have followed unique trajectories to get to this point,” the researchers write in the paper on their findings, suggesting that there needs to be a more nuanced approach to supporting women based on what type of low sexual desire they’re experiencing.

5. One in 4 women want a good sex life after menopause.

Contrary to what may still be popular belief, plenty of women over 40 continue to care about having a good sex life. A study presented at the 2020 Virtual Annual Meeting of the Normal American Menopause Society found 45% of women believe sex is important early in midlife, and 27% of women believe sex continues to be highly important throughout midlife.

“Studies like these provide valuable insights to health care providers who may otherwise dismiss a woman’s waning sexual desire as a natural part of aging,” NAMS medical director Stephanie Faubion, M.D., MBA, said in a news release. “Often there are other treatable reasons, such as vaginal dryness or depression, as to why a woman’s interest in sex may have decreased.”

6. Viewing sex as an exchange of favors tends to backfire.

While no one would fault you for caring about fairness in the bedroom, psychologists have found that viewing sex as an exchange of benefits between partners may actually make sex feel less intimate and more transactional.

“When people endorse exchange norms, they give benefits with the expectation of receiving equal or comparable benefits in return and are concerned with keeping track of benefits to keep things even between partners,” researchers wrote in a study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior this year.

That study found couples who use this approach to sex tended to be less committed to each other, had more negative sexual interactions, and generally seemed to have less satisfying sex when compared to couples whose approach to sex was more about giving pleasure just to give. The researchers also found people with a more avoidant attachment style (aka people who tend to avoid intimacy) were more likely to have that exchange approach.

7. Growing up with unavailable parents can affect your sex life as an adult.

People who grew up with neglectful or unavailable parents tend to have more sexual difficulties, according to a study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health. That included less satisfying sex, more sexual dysfunction, and negative feelings around sex. Why? Growing up with unavailable parents makes a person more likely to have a less stable sense of self, the researchers found. A child’s interactions with their parents are what help them develop a “rich and coherent sense of self,” they write, and it’s also how they learn to feel secure in who they are and what they need from others.

“The development of the child’s sense of self and the child’s understanding of their own and others’ mental states could be thought of as essential skills for a positive and healthy sexuality later on,” the researchers write in the paper on their findings. “These results suggest that, years after having experienced neglect from attachment figures, it can still influence a person’s sexual life through its repercussions on impaired identity.”

8. Sex talk can buoy the sex lives of couples with depression.

We’ve known that depression (and antidepressants) can both reduce a person’s sex drive, and couples in which one or both partners have depression can find themselves avoiding sex because of all the other relationship challenges they face. But a study published in the Communication Research journal found just talking about sex as a couple can offset those negative effects of depression.

A lot of past research has found sexual communication is key to good sex, and for couples with depression, talking about sexual desires, challenges, and solutions together is particularly important to make sure sex doesn’t fall by the wayside.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!