Tag: sex and relationship advice

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Can You Get Coronavirus From Sex?

No — and Yes

by Abby Lee Hodd

Worries about the pandemic have put a damper on dating. Should those concerns also discourage sexual activity?

Intimacy and intercourse may not transmit COVID-19, but nearly everything else about sex with a partner increases your chances of getting sick, according to immunologists and health experts.

Bodily fluids exchanged during intercourse and genital contact isn’t what infects people whose partners are COVID-19 carriers, says William Schaffner, M.D., an infectious disease specialist and professor at Vanderbilt University. Instead, it’s intimate contact like heavy breathing, kissing and close proximity that causes risk.

Though coronavirus has been detected in semen, so far there’s no evidence it can be passed on that way.

“There’s nothing sexual about the transmission,” Schaffner says. “[It’s] the intimacy part of sexuality rather than the sexual organ functionality.”

Not giving up on intimacy

So if you’re dating and don’t want to give up sex, what’s the best way to curtail risk when it comes to transmission of COVID-19?

Pandemic safe sex guidelines released by the New York City Health Department last year recommend limiting sexual partners to those in your own household or pandemic bubble. The sexually explicit guidelines, which were parodied in a Saturday Night Live segment, suggest the safest sex is masturbation (wash your hands first) and offered “sexy Zoom parties” as an alternative with partners not in your household. The guidelines also said people should refrain from kissing and should wear coronavirus-preventing masks during sex.

Despite a certain amount of risk, older adults aren’t ready to give up on dating or sex. Instead, many are checking in with partners and adapting their sex lives to stay safe.

Communication with sexual partners is key

Tanya Henderson, a 63-year-old Nashville native, says she is always concerned about her sexual safety, not just during the pandemic.

“I am committed to remaining sexually active,” Henderson says, and before the pandemic hit, she would get tested for sexually transmitted infections as part of her adult sexual wellness efforts.

When the pandemic began, Henderson reserved sexual intimacy for a trusted partner she’d previously been intimate with, although the two were not in a committed relationship. In September 2020, Henderson did find a regular, exclusive partner and has since been in a relationship for a few months.

Henderson says frank conversations about COVID-19 with partners are essential, and says she and her initial COVID intimacy partner both wore masks in public and self-isolated to prevent the risk of getting sick. She also said both kept their circles “guarded” and small, only spending time with others who’d been tested or hadn’t had a lot of exposure to the illness.

“We were confident … we were safe,” Henderson says.

Tom Sommers, 57, who is pansexual and lives in Washington, D.C., says concerns about the coronavirus led him to delete his dating apps for four months. But he’s slowly starting to feel more comfortable taking precautions and being sexually active. But one issue has nothing to do with virus transmission.

Pandemic Safe Sex

According to experts, there are precautions older adults can take for safer sexual activity. They include:

  • Limit sexual partners to those in your own household, or those in your pandemic “bubble.”
  • Consider using technology like sexting, Facetiming, texting or video calling as alternative ways to enjoy intimacy with your partner.
  • Know the science and talk to your partners. Make sure everyone agrees to the same social distancing and mask procedures and that each partner is comfortable with the other’s pandemic precautions. “The coming together should be preceded by a conversation … you need that element of trust,” Schaffner says.
  • Practice good hygiene by washing up before and after sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You’ve Survived Cancer

— Now What About Dating?

Don’t let body image concerns and emotional changes stop you from seeking love

by Susan Moeller

Six years ago, Deanna Savage had breast cancer, followed by a double mastectomy and reconstruction. After more than a year of surgeries and treatment, she returned to online dating.

But her body felt different than in past years of dating: She had new “pucks and dents” in places and lost sensitivity in some areas. And she had something extra accompanying her on dates: her cancer diagnosis.

“I either mentioned it right away or I didn’t mention it for a while,” says Savage, 52, who works for a wine distributor in Milwaukee and founded a nonprofit breast cancer support organization, Savage Support. “Both ways scare people off because everyone has their own relationship or even explanation of what cancer is.… And so they projected that onto me.”

Cancer and its treatments affect not only the look of patients’ bodies but also sensation, mechanics and stamina, says experts like Savage, who is also a mentor with ABCD, or After Breast Cancer Diagnosis, a Milwaukee one-on-one mentoring organization. Yet companionship, romance and intimacy foster healing, says Yanette Tactuk, a licensed clinical social worker with Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City.

Resources for Dating After Cancer

Here are some places that help with navigating dating and sex in the face of a cancer diagnosis.

• Check with your local cancer center. Many now have survivorship clinics that address issues of wellness and lifestyle, including relationships and sexuality.

• Ask your health care provider or chapter of the American Cancer Society about in-person or online support groups.

• Look for peer mentoring programs at cancer centers or organizations such as ABCD (After Breast Cancer Diagnosis) to connect you one-on-one with someone who has had a similar experience.

• Consider reputable online sources such as Cancer.net, sponsored by the American Society of Clinical Oncologists, which has information on dating and sexuality.

• Find a therapist or certified sex educator. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a searchable online directory.

“It’s important to feel comfortable and confident, regardless of where you are in your treatment process and regardless of your relationship status,” Tactuk says. “The advantages of finding ways to love and accept oneself and to connect with others are physical, psychological, emotional and relational.”

Dating after cancer

If you’re ready to start dating, begin by thinking about why, says Jeffrey Gaudet, a licensed clinical social worker in Mashpee, Massachusetts, who has led cancer survivorship programs. Dating could include physical intimacy or not, he says.

“Understand your body, but also understand where you’re coming from emotionally,” he says. “Someone might be looking for a fully developed relationship that might lead to marriage, or they might be saying, ‘Hey, you know what, I just need someone to be with me.’”

Consider issues you’ve had with dating in the past, he says, such as how you communicate or feelings about your body. If you are ready for intimacy, don’t be shy about gathering information on how to make it work. As cancer patients live longer, more resources are available to improve the quality of their lives, including sexually. Don’t worry that you’re the only one who has a body that’s not looking or working quite as it used to.

“This is a really common experience,” says Don Dizon, M.D., professor of medicine at Brown University and founder of the Sexual Health First Responders Program in Providence, Rhode Island. “If you look at survey data, those who report some degree of sexual compromise is anywhere between 50 and 90 percent.”

Physicians and patients rarely discuss relationships or sex because cancer checkups are so focused on survival or treatment plans, Dizon says. Patients may be too distracted or embarrassed to ask questions, or think they are alone in having issues. A survey by the health organization Livestrong found that fewer than half of patients bring up these issues, he says.

“It’s really not until people leave that room that they start thinking, Boy, I really wanted to ask those other questions,” Dizon says. “We, as clinicians, assume things that are important will be brought to our attention by patients themselves, [but] when it comes to sexual health, that’s not going to happen.”

Discussing cancer and sexuality

For starters, he says, understand who you are as a sexual being. What’s your perspective on dating and sex? How do you respond to relationship cues? Are you able to communicate with a partner? Are you one to jump right into a relationship or expose your inner life slowly?

And be flexible about what intimacy might look like, Dizon says.

“What we’re learning is that couples can … find their own ways to experience pleasure and experience satisfaction,” he says.

Ellen Barnard, a social worker and certified sex educator who co-owns; A Woman’s Touch in Madison, Wisconsin, a sex education resource center and sexual health products shop, describes herself as a “problem solver.” One reason she and co-owner Myrtle Wilhite, M.D., started the shop 25 years ago was to help breast cancer patients find ways to improve sexual response without hormone replacement therapy.

Their website has a downloadable resource sheet on “Healthy Sexuality After Cancer,” as well as a place to submit questions. These days, Barnard and Wilhite work with customers with all kinds of cancers and also train health care providers.

“There’s plenty that can be done.… Nobody needs to lose their enjoyment of sexual pleasure,” Barnard says.

And remember, it’s unlikely that anyone over 50 will have a body that works perfectly.

“The most important thing that I try to instill in people is not to see themselves as ‘damaged,’” Dizon says. “Getting older comes with its own complications, but cancer’s not the only complication people will be bringing to the table.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Here’s How Students Are Hooking Up During the Pandemic

Because they *are* still hooking up

By Michal Stein

January is not a particularly sexy month. The sparkle of the December holiday season has faded. It’s cold and dark and, even in the best of times, going out may not be particularly inviting. But in a school setting, there was always something alluring about a clean slate, new classes and the possibility of meeting new people.

If you’re a post-secondary student, you might be trying to have as normal a year as you possibly can, whether you’re living in residence, in an apartment off campus or at home with your parents. But school is already stressful enough, and with a global pandemic still ongoing, it’s safe to say that academic stress is amplified this year. And while young people turn to various outlets as a means to blow off steam and de-stress, from exercise to bread baking and Netflix marathons, one of their other outlets is no longer really an easy option—or at least as safe an option as it was pre-pandemic: having sex.

In early September 2020, Dr. Theresa Tam, Canada’s top doctor, recommended using barriers, like masks, when engaging in sex with people outside your bubble, and trying positions that aren’t face-to-face in order to reduce the risk of COVID-19 transmission. Or just abstaining from sex with another person at all (because you know, you can do it yourself). But winter is lonely. And a pandemic winter is even lonelier, so it’s a natural time to want to find someone to cozy up to, whether that’s for a couple of months or for a couple of nights. In a normal academic year, there’s the allure of the cute person in your class giving you sideways glances, or the gritty glamour of dorm parties to fuel new connections and strange conversations. (Having gone to school in the Maritimes, I can confidently say that even a rollicking sea shanty singalong can lead to romance.)

But with lockdown measures in place in Ontario and Quebec, how students should navigate dating and hooking up going forward isn’t so clear, especially when we’ve already seen institutions like Western University report COVID-19 outbreaks less than a month into the 2020 academic year. ICYMI, in mid-September the Middlesex-London Health Unit released a visualization that showed just how these cases spread. Activities ranged from meeting up on campus, masks on and physical distancing in place, to hanging out in their friends’ houses without masks, to going out to bars, to sharing an e-cigarette. While CBC reported that the outbreak in September mostly involved students who live off campus, the health unit declared another outbreak in October, this time in a student residence. Sex between people who don’t live together wasn’t on this list, but it’s safe to say that students are still getting down and dirty.

Face masks and physical distancing are part of our new reality—but how that factors into our sex lives isn’t so straightforward. While COVID-19 isn’t necessarily spreading faster on university campuses than it is in the general public, there have been instances of community spread that link back to universities. For example, in December 2020, positive cases in Kingston, Ont. were traced back to house parties around the city’s University District. All of this means that students need to reframe the way they think about hooking up in the age of COVID. 

Students *are* still hooking up—it just looks a little different

Just because there’s a pandemic doesn’t mean that all sexually active students—or those who want to explore their sexuality—are becoming celibate.

Dr. Shemeka Thorpe is a sexuality educator and researcher at the University of Kentucky. Most students she’s spoken to are using dating apps this year, are generally sticking to virtual dates and are keeping IRL dates outdoors, and at a distance. This shift in dating might mean taking things slower. For some people, the getting-to-know-you phase might last a whole lot longer, until COVID numbers settle down enough for them to be comfortable getting close with someone new, and for others, this could mean going on more distanced dates before physically hooking up to ensure you’re comfortable with a potential partner’s level of exposure and safety measures.

Frankie*, 26, graduated post-secondary school a few years ago but started dating a University of Toronto student in early September 2020. They met on a dating app and knew that they wanted to have some sort of distanced sexual encounter when they eventually met up. When it came to determining what both partners were comfortable with regarding COVID and sex, the risk assessment wasn’t boring and awkward—they just built it into their flirting. Their date, Jamie*, had recently gotten a COVID-19 test, after someone in their program at school had tested positive. Frankie says, “I [didn’t] have symptoms, I was tested a month [before], so I was just laying it out like, ‘I haven’t been tested very recently, but these are my risk levels. This is where I go out, this is where I don’t go out;’ that sort of became pillow talk.”

Which, honestly, isn’t as different of a conversation as many people have—or should be having—pre-sex, even during non-pandemic times. “Before COVID, you would want to know how many partners is someone currently intimate with, what barrier methods are they using, when was the last time they got tested, and what were the results of that test. And the conversation’s the same now,” says Deirdre McLaughlin, a registered counsellor and sexual health educator in Nelson, B.C. McLaughlin would ordinarily start the school year giving talks at universities around sex positivity and consent. This year, conversations around consent look the same as they always do, just with an added layer of COVID-19 info, they told FLARE. They said they notice that when people are newer to sex, the conversations around safe sex are sometimes the hardest ones to broach. Typically, they do a lot of coaching around how to make those conversations more positive, and all the more so during the pandemic.

Biologist and science communicator Samantha Yammine says that COVID risk mitigation messaging has a lot to learn from sex-positive sex ed. “It teaches us about communication… [and] about not shaming and stigmatizing. We know that from years of HIV research, that when you shame and stigmatize people with an HIV positive status, it doesn’t help the pandemic,” she says. “Instead, when you empower people with the tools to take care of themselves and other people, and people feel comfortable having open conversations, the negative impact of HIV can be mitigated.” 

And as for the public health recommendation to try more *literal* barrier methods, like glory holes—that option wasn’t so appealing to Frankie and their partner. “I did a bit of research into that before going on my quest for boinking,” they said. “This is not quite practical to how a lot of people need intimacy and need physicality. It won’t satisfy those things. I would rather incorporate someone into my bubble.” Which is what Frankie and Jamie ended up doing for a while—agreeing to only sleep with each other; eventually, that relationship ran its course.

Another factor to note: With many universities implementing no guest policies—meaning people who don’t live in the building aren’t allowed inside—according to Frankie, if you’re hooking up with someone in a dorm, “there will likely be sneaking in.” The Chestnut residence at the University of Toronto implemented their no-guest policy back in March of 2020. While they haven’t listed explicit consequences, their residence policy states that continued disregard of COVID-19 guidelines in shared spaces might result in “sanctions.” McMaster’s residence agreement contract doesn’t allow for guests during COVID-19 either, and references possible disciplinary action ranging from notice to eviction.

That doesn’t mean everyone feels safe getting close in person—or close at all

But while people like Frankie and Jamie were looking for ways to experience physical intimacy, that doesn’t mean that *every* sexually active student is thirsting for physical touch amidst a pandemic. In fact, sexuality and sex science educator Eva Bloom—who wrote A Compassionate Guide to Sexuality & COVID-19, an e-book on sexuality during COVID—found the opposite to be true; a lot of people she works with are reporting experiencing changes in their sexual habits during the pandemic, like having less sex with their partner.

“We’re basically living in a constant, low-level state of stress all the time,” Bloom says. “And a lot of our support system, like being connected with friends and family, has been taken away or restricted.” She points to a University of British Columbia study showing that stress is an incredibly common contributor to low sexual desire. It can be hard to get in a sexy headspace these days. Throw a bunch of term papers and online group projects on top of that, and you’ve got a recipe for a very unsexy semester.

“It’s the emotional capacity for grief and trauma, because we’re also in a racial justice uprising,” says sexual health and consent educator Samantha Bitty of the past year, and the renewed energy around the Black Lives Matter movement. “Folks recognize what their capacity is to be emotionally, physically, spiritually available to another person. I think that people opt out [of sexual encounters] because it’s overwhelming.”

Students, and young adults in general, are also living with their parents in much higher numbers during the pandemic. According to a study from the Pew Research Center, 52% of 18- to 29-year-olds in the United States are living with their parents, a level not seen since the Great Depression. Beyond any potential awkwardness of bringing home a hookup while Mom and Dad are watching The Crown, there’s also the issue of potential health issues. While the thought of getting COVID-19 can be scary for anyone, it’s *especially* scary if a parent has a pre-existing health condition.

Confusing public health messaging around sex and COVID didn’t exactly help

And it’s no surprise that young people would want to opt out of sexual encounters all together, because vague and unrepresentative public health messaging around intimacy and COVID isn’t only confusing, but it’s also partly to blame for uncertainty around best practices when it comes to hooking up. The overriding misstep when it comes to public health messaging, Bitty says, is that it really doesn’t reflect people’s lived experiences.

“It was abstinence-only type education, and there was a glaring absence of sexual health or relational information,” Bitty says. And when they did start talking about it, the messaging only really reflected a heteronormative, monogamous narrative.

“A lot of public health messaging has kind of operated under the assumption that people live in a singular kind of family,” Yammine says. This largely ignores single people living with roommates, in dorm settings, or couples living separately. If people don’t see their own circumstances reflected, Bitty says, it’s that much harder to make individual decisions that benefit a collective well-being. Or to take said well-being seriously.

Pointing to the messaging about masked sex and glory holes as an example, Bitty notes that this messaging was a 180-degree pivot in public health communication, which had been fairly conservative and more focused on sex that happened between people who already lived together. Because of this, “most people just thought it was funny and dismissed [the messaging], or they can’t imagine having sex in a way that’s rooted in a risk-aversion in that specific way,” she says. “We can’t even get people to wear condoms to have oral sex. Do you think they’re going to wear a mask?”

Not to mention the fact that many people in their late teens and twenties just find the guidelines straight-up confusing. Yammine conducted an informal survey through her Instagram about the challenges young people are facing in the pandemic—the key theme in their responses? Despite trying their best to reduce risk, they didn’t feel they were getting relevant advice and had no guidelines to work from. Some schools, like McGill, Queens and Ryerson, are integrating COVID-19 advice into their sexual health materials, and McMaster has put out a comprehensive COVID-19 Dating and Hookup Safety Guide, but many others have not.

The McMaster resource recognizes that some students will meet up for sex, even if it breaks stay-at-home orders. In the disclaimer, they write that they’re not *encouraging* in-person partnered sex. Rather, their aim is to provide tips to stay as safe as possible during partnered sex. Their harm reduction approach gives students practical, actionable tools to make informed decisions about their sex lives during a difficult and confusing time.

They organize tips in order from lowest to highest risk, starting with masturbation and fantasy and leading up to in-person partnered sex. They suggest lighting candles and reading erotica as ways to make masturbation more satisfying than just a quick way to get off, and offer a list of questions to discuss before going into a partner’s house.

“At this point, people still saying ‘just stay home’ is tired. You can’t keep saying that same message because we’re [almost a year] in,” Yammine says. “Abstinence-only has never worked well—not when it comes to sex education, and not when it comes to a pandemic. We need to talk about harm reduction and empower people with tools to make lower-risk decisions in all aspects of their life, including their personal life.”

There are some ways to get down and dirty—safely

Despite somewhat shoddy public messaging, there are ways to stay connected and forge intimacy during this time. While keeping guidelines top of mind, of course. “First and foremost, the public health guidelines take precedence,” Yammine emphasizes. This might mean trying your hand at (safe) sexting—either with a human partner or chat bot, and listening to audio erotica.

“Right now, we’re currently in lockdown [in Toronto] and being asked not to see anyone. And so I would say, maybe now is the time to do virtual dating and get to know people. And then when lockdown ends maybe then you can choose who’s worth seeing in person,” Yammine says. When it comes to dating, almost all of our experts suggested asking about the COVID precautions the other person is taking as a way to see if your values align with your potential partner. If wearing a mask is important to you, but they’re maybe a bit of an anti-masker, that’s probably a good sign that you’re not compatible in other ways, too.

Some universities have also developed online tools for less experienced students to work on their relationship skills. Farrah Khan is the manager of Consent Comes First, which offers support for students who have experienced sexual assault, at Ryerson University. A lot of research, she says, suggests that one way to address sexual violence is to provide people with relationship skills and skills around sexual health and boundary creation. Khan teamed up with her counterparts at Wilfred Laurier University and Carleton University (Sexual Violence Response Coordinator Sarah Scanlon and Bailey Reid, a Senior Advisor in Gender and Sexual Violence Prevention and Support, respectively), to create an online community called the Curiosity Lab, an online relationship lab that meets once a month to talk about things like flirting, online dating and harassment. “Sometimes it feels safer for folks to participate this way,” she says. If participants are living with their family and don’t have a lot of privacy, they can participate interactively through shared Google Docs.

Of course, with the vaccine rollout in Canada underway, it may be tempting to jump into a life of all make-out sessions, all the time. But Yammine says it won’t be quite that easy. “I think what people aren’t expecting is [that] the vaccine will come and then it’s over, snap your fingers. But in fact, it’s probably going to take several months,” she says. Depending on where you are, the first vaccine phase will likely consist of priority groups—populations that are more at-risk and front-line workers. “We’re going to still have to use other public health, non-pharmaceutical interventions like distancing, masks [and] ventilation, to continue to keep the spread low.” The hope is, once the priority groups receive their immunization, we’ll start to see things like hospital deaths declining. Once the situation becomes less dire, we may be able to slowly open up in stages. While it’s still hard to say exactly when more of the general public will be vaccinated, two web developers made a calculator that can help people estimate when they might expect to get the vaccine. Factors like age, whether you’re an essential worker, and whether you live in a congregate setting are all considered—though dorms aren’t specified in particular.

“Just try to have a little fun while dating and make the most out of this year that you can, because it is different and it’s new and, truthfully, we’re all learning. Although having some of these conversations may be awkward, they’re also awkward for everyone else,” Thorpe says. She explains that a healthy sex life is still within reach, even for those of us making our way through a lockdown winter without a regular partner. “To me, a healthy sex life is one that’s pleasurable, it’s one that keeps you safe…. But it’s one, too, that’s also intimate.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!i

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How to pick the best lube for you

By Julia Naftulin

  • Lube can make penetrative and anal sex more pleasurable experiences.
  • Choose a lube that fits your needs. Some aren’t compatible with condoms and sex toys.
  • The three main categories of lubricant are water-based, oil-based, and silicone-based.
  • Lubrication, whether it comes from your vagina or an outside source, can make all kinds of sex acts more pleasurable.

    But figuring out which personal lubrication is the best one for your needs can feel tricky when you’re faced with an aisle of options.

    The key is to consider the three main categories of lube, oil-based, water-based, and silicone-based, and try one that fits your needs, according to Dr. Ina Park, an associate professor at University of California San Francisco’s School of Medicine and author of the upcoming book “Strange Bedfellows: Adventures in the Science, History and Surprising Secrets of STDs.”

    “Vaginas are really sensitive and sometimes you have to go through a process of elimination and figure out what does and doesn’t work for you,” Park told Insider.

    Water-based lubricants

    Water-based lubricants can be found at drugstores, gas stations, and grocery stores, making them an accessible and affordable option.

    This type of lube is compatible with condoms, so they’re a good option for someone who wants to use the drugstore contraceptive for birth control or STD prevention. Water-based lubes are also compatible with any type of sex toy, no matter what material it’s made from.

    Some people steer clear from water-based options because many contain genital-irritating ingredients like glycerin, according to Park.

    People who are prone to yeast infections should avoid glycerin-containing lubes, OBGYN Dr. Lauren Streicher previously told Prevention. Though this ingredient makes water-based lubes more slippery, it also contains sugar, an ingredient that can contribute to yeast overgrowth.

  • But for folks with “resilient vaginas,” as Park said, who rarely get vaginal infections, a glycerin-containing water-based lube could be fine.

    Some water-based lube brands, like Astroglide and Sliquid, also have glycerin-free options, so if you have an infection-prone vagina but need to use condoms, it’s worth giving them a try.

    There’s also a chance you could get a yeast infection from a glycerin-containing water-based lube even if you haven’t had one before.

    “It is possible that these products change the delicate balance of vaginal flora — organisms that live in the vagina — and acidity in a healthy vagina,” Joelle Brown, a researcher who authored a 2013 study on how various lubes affected women’s vaginas, told Prevention. “Any changes in that balance, whether it’s due to irritating lubricants or otherwise, can trigger an infection.”

    That’s why Park suggested experimenting with individual lubes, seeing how your body reacts, and going from there.

    Popular brands like Astroglide and K-Y Jelly are water-based lubes.

    Silicone-based lubricants

    Silicone-based lubes are slicker and more difficult to wipe away than water-based ones, making them ideal for anal sex and shower sex, said Park.

    “They’re more substantial and thicker and they can be used with condoms. So for people who like have sex in the shower, they don’t just wash away, like with water-based lubes,” Park said.

    Though silicone lubes can be used with latex condoms, it’s best to keep them off any silicone-based sex toys. That’s because combining two silicone-based objects can erode the silicone and damage your toys.

  • Oil-based lubricants

    If you prefer a more natural or do-it-yourself approach to lube, an oil-based option could be a good fit.

    Park said she’s noticed coconut oil rise in popularity as a household-essential-turned-lube because of its slippery texture and long-lasting nature. Olive oil, vitamin E oil, and avocado oil are also options for DIY oil-based lube.

    Since these oils don’t contain sugar, they’re great for people who are prone to vaginal infections, said Park.

    She said as long as the oil doesn’t have a fragrance, which many massage or body oils do, they can keep things slick without irritating your genitals.

    There’s one downside to oil-based formulas: They can’t be used with latex condoms because they’ll erode the material and render the condom ineffective. That’s why Park suggests oil-based lubes primarily for people in monogamous relationships.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Maintain Your Sexual Health in Long Relationships

– 2021 Guide

The sexual energy between you and your partner is what’s going to define how long your relationship will last. For some people this is still a taboo subject in 2021 but it really shouldn’t be. Speaking of relationships, things in the bedroom can really become dull after a few years. In fact, when you take a look at the statistics and what most sex therapists are telling us on this topic, most clients are those who are already in a relationship for more than four years. This is pretty normal but it shouldn’t be like that. Even after being with someone for twenty or more years, things can still be spicy if you know how to make them spicy.

In today’s article we’ll talk about maintaining your sexual health in a long-term relationship, so without any further ado let’s take a look at what you need to know.

Trying new things whenever you can

Even if you do the most exciting thing in your life for many years it will eventually become boring. It’s just how we humans function. We need change, we need fresh things, we need to adapt and we need to constantly stimulate our satisfactions with something that we haven’t heard or tried before. The same thing goes for your sexual relationship, and this is backed up by many professional opinions of top-tier sex therapists and doctors. Shortly put, you can’t keep things “vanilla” for multiple decades, expecting them to feel like that thrill you had on your first time.

But, feeling bored doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner anymore. It just means that you two need to start exploring and changing things up. This doesn’t have to be anything drastic, not at all actually. Something a new pair of underwear your partner has can be enough to give you that feeling of freshness and re-ignite the spark that can set the fire.

Not overdoing or forcing things in the bedroom

If you are being active in the bedroom just because you think that’s what couples need to do, and not because you feel like being active, things will surely get boring really soon. You shouldn’t force things, and you shouldn’t overdo them either. Whenever you two feel like doing something in the bedroom is the only time you should be doing something in the bedroom. Simple as that. No, there aren’t any rules you need to follow, and it certainly doesn’t mean that your marriage or relationship is about to end because you skipped a day this week. Don’t be silly.

Focusing on self-improvement which can drastically increase sexual energy

There’s nothing more attractive than seeing your partner working on improving in all fields of life. Whether this is physical exercise to sculpt their body in shape, or just trying to improve and become a happier person, it’s the most attractive thing in life. And, your partner thinks the same about you. So instead of just wondering what could be the reason for the lack of sexual energy, start self-improving, and you’ll realize that the problem is already gone.

Now of course, some people have medical conditions that prevent them from “performing” properly in the bedroom, but this is not the end of the story. There are a lot of things you can do to get back your self-confidence. The best thing is a lifestyle change but thanks to technology we have other helpful tools we can use for a boost. For more information you can click here.

Being healthier in all aspects of life, both physically and mentally

Going to the gym, or exercising at home, are both things that can drastically change your quality of life. How? Well, first of all you’ll feel better at all times thanks to the extra happiness hormones your body produces when you are physically active. Next, you’ll have a good-looking body which automatically raises your self-confidence while at the same time it increases the feelings your partner has for you. Being healthier allows you to have more stamina and to perform better in bed. If you want to be happier in your long-term relationship, physical exercise and healthy living are two things that you cannot and shouldn’t disregard.

Communicating with your partner about each and every thing

How do you know what a person likes if they don’t tell you? How can you know what your partner prefers to see or do in bed unless they tell you? Well, the same thing applies to you as well. Unless you are open and communicative about the things you like or dislike in the bedroom, your partner won’t know how to adapt and make those wishes come true. When it comes to sexual things, the picture is not as black and white. Different people have different desires. You can’t just assume that “all women like this” or “all men prefer this” and go with that mindset. Don’t guess, don’t attempt. Communicate. Nothing takes a relationship further than proper, open communication.

Mutual encouragement and accepting “flaws” and imperfections

Sometimes we feel bad about a certain imperfection and that’s perfectly normal. Although it’s silly and dumb, it’s normal. Nobody is born perfect and we all have slight imperfections that make us feel worried. Well, unless someone tells you that it’s perfectly normal to accept who you are, chances are that we’ll keep on living with the feeling of disappointment for a really long time, and this can greatly impact our self-confidence and our performance in the bedroom. Accepting your partner’s flaws and encouraging them to live how they were meant to live is very important. Don’t disregard it as it can be a complete game-changer.

Conclusion

Maintaining your sexual health in a long-term relationship is not the easiest thing unless you know how to do it. Thankfully, we created this guide to help you uncover the secrets of living happily with your partner for many years to come. We thank you for the time you took to read it, and we hope that we helped you learn a thing or two. Stay safe and protect your passion.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Ask for What You Want Sexually

Doing so may improve your relationship.

By Samantha Vincenty

Developing good communication is important in relationships, and that’s just as true when it comes to sex—which is why knowing how to describe what you want in bed is such a valuable skill.

Piping up about a new turn-on, or wanting to try new positions, can increase the intimacy between the two of you—or even rekindle the spark when you and a longtime partner have plateaued in the bedroom. If you’ve just started seeing each other, the newness of your bond provides a great opportunity to start a dialogue early, so that you both feel free to verbalize what you want sexually on an ongoing basis.

“The place where I normally start with patients is helping them get curious about what’s stopped them from asking for what they want in bed in the past,” says Casey Tanner, LCPC, a therapist specializing in relationship and sex therapy and expert for LELO toys. “Folks often will come in with apprehension and anxiety around asking their partner for something. This is especially true for people who were socialized as women, taught that we can’t take up space in that way.”

Sometimes, a fear they’ll bruise their partner’s ego holds them back, Tanner says. “Others are afraid to be judged,” she continues. Often, they don’t know how to answer the question even when they’re asked, “because they don’t even know what they want. So it’s important for people to name their communication barrier.”

No matter what’s kept you from making a sexual request to your partner, you can definitely learn how to do it proudly.

To ask for what you want in bed, start by lowering the stakes.

“You don’t have to be a hundred percent sure you’re going to love something in order to ask for it,” Tanner says. “Some people think, ‘if I ask for it, I better like it!” But how do we know we like it if we haven’t tried it yet?” It’s okay if you want to stop midway through if you’re not into something new—even if it was your idea.

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Tanner suggests framing it by saying a version of this: “There’s something I’d love to try with you,” because “that leaves room for, ‘hey we’re trying this together. I’m not committing to wanting this as a part of my sex life forever, it’s just something I want to try.”

Know when to ask in the moment, and when to wait.

“For things such as small adjustments or changing a technique slightly, asking in the moment is totally appropriate,” says Tanner. Commands like “harder,” “slower” “faster,” “a little to the right,” for example.

When you’re introducing something brand-new, like experimenting with sex toys or anal sex, you definitely want to broach the idea before you’re in the heat of the moment, maybe during date night. “If it’s something that’s going to require a nuanced conversation about consent—kink or BSDM, for example—those are the requests that you want to bring up in a non-sexual context.”

If you’re afraid to hurt their feelings…

Be sure to start from a place of praise, says Taylor Sparks, sex educator and founder of pleasure site OrganicLoven. During one of those outside-the-bedroom conversations, she says, “what I like to do with my partners is to say something like, ‘You know what I really like? When you do this, this, and this. And you know what I’d like even more?'”

Describe what you want as specifically as you can, Sparks says (she uses the example of asking your partner to move their tongue up and down during oral sex, as opposed to side to side). “Once you’re in bed and they’re doing what they normally do, you’ve already planted the seed about what you want,” she says. So when they’re down there, you can say, “this is a great time for the up-and-down!”

Avoid words like “always” and “never.”

“Sometimes when we’re looking to get what we want, we confuse it with what we don’t want, and the approach to our partner can be, ‘You’re not doing it right!'” Sparks says. In the spirit of asking with appreciative enthusiasm, playful suggestions are hot. Sharp criticism is not. Tanner recommends making it a point to stay away from phrases like “you always do this,” or “you never do this.”

If you’re nervous, say so.

If you’re anxious about asking, you don’t have to pretend that you’re not. “You might say, ‘I’m new to sharing what I want during sex, so this is a little anxiety-provoking for me’,” Tanner suggests. “By just sharing that feeling with their partner, they’re also letting their partner know, ‘this is vulnerable for me, and I need you to hear this.’”

Share your “why.”

Do you know why you want to try it? “The answer doesn’t have to be complex—it could just be it sounds hot, or you’re curious, or you love doing it when you masturbate,” says Tanner. “Often, our go-to when someone gives us feedback is to think we’ve been doing something wrong. Sharing that ‘why’ helps your partner know this isn’t criticism.”

Show them with your hand.

If there’s a very specific way you’d like your partner to switch up their style during oral sex, and the words to describe it are failing you, try a nonverbal approach. Taking their hand, use your tongue on the sensitive skin between their thumb and index finger, showing them the type of speed, pressure, and technique you need to take you over the edge.

If they ask what you like in bed, and you don’t know how to answer…

You might have some self exploration to do, perhaps with the help of a good vibrator (fun!). But if it’s because you’re drawing a blank in the face of an open-ended question, Sparks suggests turning the q back to your partner. “Ask them, ‘what do you like to do with a partner in bed?’ And that gives you a moment to think about it.”

As they voice what they like, you can chime in when something excites you, too. “Now you’re kind of making your list off of theirs,” Sparks continues. When they name something that doesn’t intrigue you, try a “hmm.” “That doesn’t mean you agree or disagree. It just means you’ve heard them, and you acknowledge it.”

Return the favor.

After you’ve shared, Tanner recommends that you show curiosity in your partner’s pleasure by asking if there’s anything they would like to try (if you haven’t learned it already from your ‘what do you like in bed?’ conversation).

Don’t take a “no” personally.

The potential sting of rejection can loom large. “I think there’s so much shame around this conversation,” Tanner says. “It’s so easy to jump to, ‘I’m bad, this request is bad, what I want is wrong.’ But all it really means is that it’s not something this person wants as part of their sex life—it has nothing to do with who you are.”

And when we do get a no, “we have to ask how important it is to us,” Tanner adds. “Is this a need, or a want?”

Consider when it’s time to consult a therapist.

If you’ve tried everything, and your partner has yet to incorporate your feedback, “at that stage, it’s become a communication issue,” Tanner says. It could be a misunderstanding, or there could be something blocking your partner’s willingness to follow through. “You might say something like, ‘we’ve had this conversation a couple times, and it seems like maybe there’s a disconnect. Can you share what’s maybe holding you back?'”

If you’ve asked them to stop doing something and they won’t, Tanner says, that’s a consent issue. Alternately, “if you’ve asked for something new, it may be a discrepancy in the kind of sex that each of you desire,” she adds. In either event, it may be time to consider visiting a couple’s therapist or sex therapist to facilitate those conversations.

Ultimately, you and your partner share a goal: Enjoying your sexual experience with each other. “It’s not about a problem,” Tanner says. “It’s about potential.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How BDSM Frameworks Can Teach You to Talk About Sex

by Davey Davis

While they might look the same to the untrained eye, BDSM is the opposite of Fight Club: The first rule of BDSM is that you talk about BDSM. A lot.

One of the many things that annoys me about mainstream depictions of kink is how infrequently you see negotiation—the actual conversation—between kinksters in movies and TV. In the real world of BDSM, communicating about what we want to do, how we’re going to do it, and what our limits are before, during, and after a scene is the norm among experienced players—and should be the norm, period. In most mainstream depictions of the subculture, however, we usually see kink without preamble (and often it seems to play out in a world where consent is murky at best).

While non-negotiated kink and non-consensual harm (otherwise known as assault) do occur in the BDSM community—that’s another essay for another time, my friends—these limited and unrealistic depictions portray BDSM as an inherently dangerous activity and lifestyle. But in BDSM, there’s only one bad fantasy: that responsible play can be self-centered, unintentional, and unaccountable to a greater community. When responsible players put that fear aside, kink can be emotionally and physically sustainable as well as, you know, really fucking hot.

To be clear, I have no interest in whitewashing or defanging BDSM. It’s not a mainstream pastime! But what I do have an interest in is making sure that all players, especially new and inexperienced ones, have the tools they need to play and participate in BDSM—and all sex, more broadly—in ways that are the most responsible.

So what does it mean to be responsible about something that, to the uninitiated, might seem so very irresponsible? In the community, we have three helpful acronyms used as shorthands for talking about just that.

SSC—Safe, Sane, and Consensual

The oldest of these three acronyms, SSC can be traced back to the 1980s, when gay S/M clubs were trying to promote what we now call informed consent, both within their circles and beyond.

In broad terms, “safe” means that the risk of any kink activities should be understood by all participants and either eliminated or reduced as much as possible. “Sane” refers to the need to approach these activities in a commonsense way, with all parties able to discern between fantasy and reality (this could apply to mental state as well as to levels of inebriation and/or mind alteration from substances). “Consensual” means that everyone has freely consented to the activities on the menu and can alert other players if that changes at any point during the scene.

The growing popularity of the leather scene within the broader gay community meant that these organizations—namely Chicago’s Hellfire Club and New York’s Gay Male S/M Activists (GMSMA)—needed a slogan that communicated their values to other kinksters as well as to a world hostile to their rising profile. According to David Stein, a GMSMA committee member, the club wanted to differentiate themselves from stereotypes of S/M as “harmful, antisocial, predatory behavior.”

RACK—Risk-Aware Consensual Kink

Around the turn of the Millennium, a new evolution of SSC was born with RACK. RACK is both in conversation with SSC as well as a challenge to it; “safe” and “sane” are subjective terms that don’t mean the same thing to everyone. “I don’t know about you, but most of the BDSM I participate in would not be considered safe,” writes BDSM educator Daemonumx in her newsletter.

A leather associate of mine, Daemonumx shares with me an interest in play that is risky by any standards, and certainly by vanilla ones. No matter how cautious we are, there are inherent risks to these (very fun) activities. This means that RACK suits our purposes better than SSC does.

We go into a scene having educated ourselves, to the best of our ability, about the risks we and everyone involved are taking on; like participants of skydiving, mountain-climbing, and childbirth, we are taking part in something that can be fun, pleasurable, transcendental, or worthwhile without requiring that it be “safe.”

“‘Risk-aware’ means that both parties to a negotiation have studied the proposed activities, are informed about the risks involved, and agree how they intend to handle them,” writes Gary Switch.

In a subculture in which learning is self-taught or taught via apprenticeship, skill share, or workshop, skill-based knowledge is diffuse and often difficult to access, period. Add that to the natural diversity in “risk profiles” and desires, and one size simply doesn’t suit all. Writes Cross for XCBDSM, “RACK puts the responsibility… on the individual. It empowers each person to define their own risk profile.”

Finally, the “sane” in SSC stigmatizes mental illness—something that us paraphiliacs, with our history of pathologization, could stand to be a little more sensitive towards.

PRICK—Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

Which brings us to PRICK, a newer acronym I’ve only seen more of in the last few months. As a player who came up in the time of RACK, at first I was mildly annoyed to discover an acronym that didn’t immediately seem to add anything new to the responsibility framework. But the more I thought about it, the more it began to make sense.

What does PRICK do that RACK doesn’t? It makes a space not only for risk awareness but for personal responsibility regarding the risky choices we make—a useful distinction for a practice that very often exists within an unequal power dynamic. As a masochist, the physical risk I am taking when I submit my body to pain and even damage is much greater than that taken by the sadist wielding it—but the sadist is taking risks too, including the emotional responsibility of potentially harming me, as well as the legal responsibility for that harm should something go awry (not that I would personally involve the authorities, but the possibility of their involvement is one of the unfortunate risks that we take when we play!).

Within the PRICK model, my partners and I go into our scene not only aware of the risks, but with the intention of taking responsibility for our decisions (this does not include consent violations, of course, which are something for which only violators are responsible). There are experiences and even a few kinky relationships that I regret, but where there was consent, I don’t have bitterness or anger. The consent feels empowering, even in retrospect.

The need for acronyms like SSC, RACK, and PRICK conveys the high-maintenance nature of our hardware-heavy lifestyle—and I wouldn’t have it any other way. My wish is for this approach to desire to be more normalized in the broader culture, too. While discourse around enthusiastic consent, sex positivity, and #MeToo has attempted to address the need for communication, “vanilla” people, straight or queer, can learn a thing or two about safety, consent, and desire from BDSM frameworks.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Yes, Sexual Self-Esteem Is A Thing

— How To Boost It

By Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D.

While many people can recognize when they’re struggling with their confidence, people often neglect to consider their feelings around their sexual self.

As humans, we are sexual beings, regardless of how we feel about sex or sexuality. You are a whole person made up of many parts, and your sexual self is an important piece of who you are.

It’s important to integrate your sexual self into your whole self. Yet many people struggle with connecting with this area of themselves because of their low sexual self-esteem.

What is sexual self-esteem?

Your sexual self-esteem refers to:

  • feelings about your body
  • your confidence in your sexual self
  • your feelings of worth and what you contribute or do not contribute during sex
  • how you intimately connect with yourself and others
  • your view of your sexuality

Your sexual self-esteem starts with how you feel about yourself. It’s affected by past and current experiences, and it is an essential part of you as a whole person.

Regardless of how you feel about sex, your sexual self-esteem matters. It’s just as important as your overall self-esteem. Your overall confidence affects every area of your life, and your sexual self-esteem does the same.

Sexual self-esteem can make you feel more connected or disconnected in your relationships. When you lack sexual self-esteem, it affects how you view yourself and how connected you feel to the intimate aspects of your relationship. Not only can it cause problems with sexual disconnection, but it can also negatively affect the emotional connection in a relationship as well.

What affects sexual self-esteem?

Several factors affect how you view your sexual self. Some are within your control, and others aren’t—they’re due to experiences that happen to you.

For example, messages you heard about sex growing up can affect your sexual self-talk. Depending on the environment you grew up in, your family’s view on sex, or other factors, you may have heard some of the following things about sex:

  • Sex is dirty.
  • Sex is private and never to be spoken about.
  • Sex is only between a man and a woman.
  • Don’t have sex before marriage.
  • If you have sex, you’ll get a bad reputation.

Those negative messages can turn into your own internal message. Maybe they’ve become your self-talk about your sexuality or sexual self. Take those plus any things you’ve been told about your performance or actions with sex at any point in your life, and you can end up with plenty of negative things in your inner narrative.

For example, your current or past partner may have told you:

  • That none of their past partners had any complaints about sex with them, so something must be wrong with you
  • That something must be wrong with you because you don’t like or don’t enjoy sex
  • That you’re broken because you never have an orgasm
  • That you want too much from them
  • That your expectations are too high or unrealistic
  • That you want sex too much and they don’t, so something must be wrong with you

Experiences with your current or past partners stick with you, especially the negative ones. These negative narratives become your inner narrative. Your inner critic loves these experiences because it can turn up the volume and remind you of all the things “wrong” with your sexual self.

Even though the person may not be around, their negativity is—because it has turned into your self-talk. Your self-worth or how you value your sexual self plummets to a low, making you feel worse than you did before.

How to improve your sexual self-esteem.

When your sexual self-esteem is not in a good place, how in the heck can you expect to have a pleasurable and fulfilling sexual experience with someone when you feel bad about yourself?

Your sexual self-esteem deserves a boost. If you are focused on personal growth and want to see improvements in your relationships, there’s no time like the present to focus on nurturing your sexual self.

Here are three steps to get started:

1. Scale your sexual self-esteem.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 very low and 10 very high, rank how you view your sexual self at this time. Write down the number you picked and label it as current.

Then think about how you want to feel about your sexual self in the future. Write down the number you want to represent your sexual self-esteem and label it as the future.

2. Reframe your negative self-talk.

Make a list of your thoughts, beliefs, and things you say to yourself about your sexual self—even if some of these came from others, and you’ve since adopted them into your own narrative. Try to identify at least five.

Next, rewrite each of these to be more realistic and forgiving of yourself. For example, if you wrote, “I’m not comfortable with my body during sex,” reframe it with “I want to learn to feel more comfortable in my body during sex.” Go through each item and reframe it, which will help you begin to improve how you see your sexual self.

(Here are some positive self-talk mantras for more inspo.)

3. Identify barriers to your sexual self-esteem.

On a sheet of paper, brainstorm all of the possible thoughts, things, people, experiences, narratives, or anything that keeps you from feeling confident about your sexual self. For example, a past partner may have told you that you’re not good at sex, and you can’t stop this from going through your head.

This self-talk causes you not to feel good about your sexual self. Write out any barrier you can think of. After you’ve listed them out, write one small action you can take to overcome each barrier.

There are many things you can do today to improve your view of your sexual self. Once you know about your sexual self, what affects it, and how you can improve it, you’re ready to take action. You deserve to feel confident, and working on your sexual self is a big step in the right direction.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy for Sexual Health

By Elizabeth Boskey, PhD

Pelvic floor physical therapy (PT) can be used to treat or help treat a number of sexual health problems. It is also commonly used to treat problems such as urinary or fecal incontinence, particularly when that incontinence occurs after childbirth or prostate surgery. Conditions for which pelvic floor PT can be helpful include:

All of these conditions have one thing in common—they are affected by the function of the pelvic floor.

What Is the Pelvic Floor?

The pelvic floor has several different functions. First, it supports the abdominal organs, such as the bladder, the intestines, and the internal genital organs (i.e. the uterus) inside the pelvis. Second, it resists against the pressure that builds up in the pelvis and abdomen during activities like coughing or lifting. Finally, it is the action of the pelvic floor that allows people to hold their urine and feces until they are ready to use the bathroom. The urethra and rectum pass through holes in the pelvic floor. It is relaxing the muscles of the pelvic floor that allows for urination and defecation. The normal tension in the muscles of the pelvic floor serve as a sphincter to otherwise hold these substances in.

The pelvic floor lies at the base of your pelvis. Often described as being shaped like a funnel or a bowl, it is made up of two muscle groups – the levator ani muscles and the coccygeus, The levatyor ani muscles are the pubococcygeus, the puborectalis, and the iliococcygeus. Each muscle that makes up the pelvic floor contributes to its function. Pelvic floor PT can be helpful if there are problems with one or more of these muscles, something called pelvic floor dysfunction.

Pelvic Floor Dysfunction

Pelvic floor dysfunction simply means that one or more of the muscles of the pelvic floor is not working correctly. This could mean that they are too tense, too loose, or that a person has trouble contracting and releasing them appropriately. It is also possible for the pelvic floor muscles to be damaged by childbirth, medical treatments, or certain types of surgery, such as as prostatectomy.

Pelvic floor dysfunction can be diagnosed through a combination of history taking, physical examination, MRI, and/or ultrasound. It is thought to affect up to a quarter of women in the United States1 . There is less data on prevalence in men. Pelvic floor dysfunction can be treated through a number of means including medication, surgery, and pelvic floor physical therapy. Pelvic floor PT is often a good first-line option, as it has far fewer risks and side effects than other options. That is particularly true for surgical options for pelvic floor repair, which have the potential to have significant sexual and other side effects.2

Pelvic Floor Dysfunction and Sexual Health

Pelvic floor dysfunction can affect a number of areas of sexual health. These effects can be both direct and indirect. For example, a direct effect of pelvic floor dysfunction could be pain during intercourse. The potential direct sexual effects of pelvic floor dysfunction are numerous, as the pelvic floor muscles affect numerous aspects of sexual function. Muscle contraction plays a role in sexual arousal and orgasm, as well as in penile rigidity

An indirect effect could be stress urinary incontinence leading to a fear of sexual intimacy. Types of sexual health problems associated with pelvic floor dysfunction can also be categorized as either being caused by overactive or under-active muscles. In general, direct effects tend to be caused by too much muscle contraction in the pelvic floor, while indirect effects tend to be caused by too little.

Overactive Muscles

Overactive pelvic floor muscles can cause pelvic pain and pain with sexual activity. In men, this pain may be anywhere from the testicles, to the tip of the penis or the abdomen. In men, overactive pelvic floor muscles can also contribute to:

  • erectile problems
  • premature ejaculation
  • pain after ejaculation

In women, overactive muscles can contribute to:

  • itching or burning of the vulva (the outer portion of the genitalia)
  • pain in the clitoris
  • pain in the vagina

In all individuals, sexual dysfunction caused by overactive pelvic floor muscles may or may not be accompanied by pain.

Under-active Muscles

Under-active pelvic floor muscles increase the risk of conditions such as pelvic organ prolapse and urinary incontinence. Both urinary incontinence and pelvic organ prolapse have been shown to have negative effects on individual’s sex lives. 3 Each condition can affect a person’s self image, and there may also be concerns about pain during sex (with prolapse) or odor (with urinary incontinence.)

It’s worth noting that some people have pelvic floor muscles that are simultaneously over- and under-active. This is a component of some types of pelvic pain syndrome.

Pelvic Floor Physical Therapy

Going for an initial consultation for pelvic floor PT can be an intimidating experience, particularly if you do not know what to expect. The specific experience of working with a pelvic floor physical therapist will depend on why you are seeking help. However, there are several experiences that will be common to most consultations with a pelvic floor PT.

  • History. You will be asked to talk about what brings you to pelvic floor physical therapy. If you come for a particular symptom, you may be asked about potentially related symptoms. As talking about pelvic floor symptoms involves talking about sexuality, urinating, and pooping, this can be very difficult for some people. It may help to write down a list of your concerns in advance. You may also be asked to fill out a questionnaire about pelvic floor symptoms and function. There are several assessment tools that providers use to assess the pelvic floor.
  • Exam. There may be both an external and an internal exam. The external exam may involve having the pelvic floor physical therapist press against different muscles or having you perform actions that might activate those muscles (like coughing.) It may also involve looking at range of motion in surrounding areas. An internal exam may involve the provider putting their fingers in your vagina and/or rectum in order to check the tension in the muscles that surround and support those tissues.
  • Intervention. Physical therapists use a number of different techniques when working on the pelvic floor.

Some common types of pelvic floor PT interventions include:

  • Education about relevant aspects of pelvic anatomy, function, and hygiene
  • exercises designed to teach patients how to contract and relax the muscles of the pelvic floor. “Kegels” are a form of pelvic floor exercise.
  • Breathing exercises to help people relax and improve the efficiency of other exercises
  • Manual therapy, which could include hands-on massage or stretching. For some conditions, manual therapy may involve a provider having fingers inside the vagina or rectum in order to access affected muscles.
  • Biofeedback, which often uses technology to show patients how they are activating their pelvic floor muscles. This could include the use of a probe that is placed in the vagina or muscles and connected to a computer. Images on the computer show the person how their movements are affecting their muscles. They can then use this to learn how to relax and contract specific muscles. Biofeedback can also be performed by a therapist giving verbal feedback about muscle contraction.
  • Electrical stimulation of muscle groups to teach people how to coordinate the movement of those muscles. Percutaneous tibial nerve stimulation is another electrical stimulation technique that uses an electrode placed near the ankle to stimulate the nerves of the bladder. There is also some evidence that it can improve sexual function.4
  • Use of vaginal dilators to help patients learn to relax the muscles of the pelvis. Vaginal dilators may also be used in other circumstances, such as after vaginoplasty or for the treatment of vaginal agenesis.

One of the most important things about any physical therapy is that for it to work, patients need to do the work. That’s why in person physical therapy can sometimes be a better option for patients than being given instructions and asked to do exercises at home. If a doctor or other provider asks you to do pelvic floor exercises, and you think you’re not going to manage on your own, you might benefit from a referral to see a physical therapist.

Does Pelvic Floor PT Work for Sexual Health?

In spring of 2020, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologist released a practice bulletin on pelvic pain, in which they discussed that a combination of pelvic floor physical therapy and sex therapy can be important for individuals experiencing pain during sex.5 This is because, for many people, pain during sex is a reflection of a combination of both neuromuscular and psychosocial factors. The sex therapy helps with the psychosocial factors. The pelvic floor PT helps with the neuromuscular ones.

Special Training for Pelvic Floor Physical Therapists

Pelvic floor PTs are doctoral-level providers. They then must undergo additional, more specialized training to learn how to work with pelvic floor conditions, particularly those that require internal exams or procedures. Some pelvic floor therapists go even further and pursue certification as a Pelvic Rehabilitation Practitioner (PRPC) or a Women’s Health Clinical Specialist (WCS) or to seek a Certificate of Achievement in Pelvic Physical Therapy (CAPP).

It may be helpful to seek out therapists who are either board certified in a pelvic specialty or who are currently pursuing such certification under supervision. Physical therapists and other professionals who are particularly interested in sexual health may also seek training or certification from a specialized organization like the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT).

Can People of All Sexes Benefit From Pelvic Floor PT?

Everyone has a pelvic floor. Thus anyone has the possibility of developing pelvic floor dysfunction. This is true no matter what your sex or gender. Depending on the particular pelvic floor PT clinic, therapists may see more individuals of one sex or another. However, issues like stress urinary incontinence are independent of sex. That said, specific risk factors are often sex-related. For example, two relatively common causes of incontinence are trauma from childbirth and prostate cancer surgery and radiation.

Transgender individuals can also benefit from pelvic floor physical therapy. Pelvic floor PT is often recommended for individuals considering a vaginoplasty, both before and after the procedure. Pelvic floor PT prior to surgery can identify and help with concerns related to pelvic floor dysfunction. After surgery, pelvic floor PT can help maintain pelvic floor health. It can also help women who have difficulty with the vaginal dilation that is required after vaginoplasty.6

A Word from Verywell

If you are experiencing sexual or other problems that could be related to pelvic floor dysfunction, talk to your doctor about whether it might make sense for you to explore pelvic floor PT. Pelvic floor PT can be a game-changer for some individuals who experience sexual difficulties such as pain or difficulty with penetration. It can also be a big help for those dealing with issues that can affect their sexual self image, like incontinence.

If you are trying to find a pelvic floor PT, it may take a little calling around. Check with your insurance to see what physical therapy providers are in-network, and then pick up the phone. You will want to ask not just whether or not the office provides pelvic floor PT but also things such as:

  • If any of their therapists are board-certified in pelvic floor PT
  • What, if any, specialized training providers have undergone
  • Whether they have experience treating your specific condition
  • Whether they have experience treating people of your gender

Because of the intimacy of the physical touch involved in pelvic floor PT, it is also reasonable to ask about the gender of potential providers—if that is important to you. Pelvic floor PT doesn’t involve sexual touch. However, for some individuals, clinical touch of sexualized areas of the body may be easier with either a same-gender or different-gender provider.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Get Back in Touch With Your Sexual Side If You Miss It

If you haven’t felt sexy since 2019—same.

By Patia Braithwaite

It might seem strange to read a story about how to feel sexier right now. It can seem unimportant considering the pressing concerns we’re all facing. Maybe you’re worried about your health, maybe you’re concerned about clear threats to democracy, or maybe you’re overwhelmed by childcare, work, and other pandemic-related stress. If how to feel sexier is the last thing you’re worried about, it’s understandable.

“We have to normalize that if you haven’t been ‘feeling it’ over the last few months, you’re normal,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., author of What Every Mental Health Professional Needs to Know About Sex, tells SELF.

In fact, when facing stressful or traumatic situations, it’s natural to “go back and forth between feeling disconnected as a coping strategy,” psychologist Liz Powell, Ph.D., author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. “It can be hard to reconnect with our body because our brain is trying to keep us from feeling fear, dread, and horror.”

So no one blames you if sexiness isn’t top of mind right now (or ever—that’s perfectly valid too). But if it’s a core part of yourself that you’ve been missing or craving, tapping into that feeling can come with benefits. Yes, feeling sexier is helpful if you’d like to have sex or just be more in touch with that part of yourself, but if you’ve spent the last few months as a disembodied ball of anxiety, finding ways to embrace sensuality and sexiness might also remind you of a time before the pandemic. You could end up feeling a little more secure in your own body. It could serve as an excellent distraction from the stresses of life, and if you’re exploring sex with a partner, it could also help you feel closer to each other as a big bonus. Below, you’ll find a few tips from sex therapists to help you feel a bit sexier—if you want—right now.

1. Gauge your baseline sexual energy pre-pandemic.

Before you stress about whether or not you’ve lost your “spark,” try to remember what your sex drive and sensuality were like before, er, all of this. Often we talk about these feelings as if strong sexual desire is a default way of experiencing the world (it’s not). But before you fret too much about even your pre-pandemic sex drive not being “high enough,” try to remember that sexiness and sexuality are multifaceted, and ask yourself what you think might have contributed to feeling less sexual than you would like in the past. Maybe you’ll realize some of those factors have actually changed for the better, like if your sex drive felt “too low” before the pandemic because you were dealing with health issues or relationship challenges that aren’t a problem anymore. If your drive was sort of faint or nonexistent before, be gentle with yourself as you explore. For instance, you might read some books to help you embrace your sexuality, you might consider getting a new sex toy, or if you’re in a relationship, you could try talking to your partner about what you’re feeling. Understanding what feels “normal” for you can help you set reasonable expectations for what “feeling sexy” may look like for you in 2021 and beyond.

2. Carve out time to prioritize pleasure—and remember that it’s important for resilience.

It can be easy, with all of the obligations you’re facing, to talk yourself out of any sexual desires that might be cropping up. In fact, given the Capitol riot, ongoing pandemic, police brutality, and more, it can feel downright silly or even selfish. But it’s not. “You cannot get through the long-term effort that change requires without having times you make for pleasure and enjoyment,” Dr. Powell explains, adding that you should schedule “protected time for self-pleasure” and make it as important as work and social obligations.

3. Recognize that your body has probably changed.

Just as it’s important not to romanticize who you were before the pandemic, remember to acknowledge that a lot has changed over the last few months—and that this impacts your mind and your body. “We are not in the world we were in a year ago,” Dr. Powell says. “That means that the way your body experiences pleasure and the way that your body functions may be different right now.” If, for instance, you’ve found yourself glued to your social media feeds and news (so, most of us), it could be having an impact on your mind and body. Experiencing chronic stress—which involves fight or flight hormones like cortisol and adrenaline—can have a major impact on your libido. So if your tried-and-true ways of tuning into that side of yourself are less effective, Dr. Powell suggests you ask yourself what you need, like, “Do I have to turn off the news and get off Twitter so that my brain can calm down?” It might not directly result in you feeling sexier, but it could help minimize stress so that you can reconnect to your body.

4. Then, adopt an experimental attitude.

To do this, you can revisit things you’ve ruled out or just never considered, and let your curiosity inspire new ideas. Dr. Powell suggests asking yourself questions like, “Does it help me to watch something really steamy? Does it help me to read some erotica? Does it help me to watch some porn or take a long bubble bath?” Trying new things and creating full-blown rituals—like turning off your phone notifications, lighting a candle, and watching a really sexy movie on Netflix—might help you feel a little sexier. You can absolutely experiment on your own, but if you have a partner who is ready and willing to help you get more in touch with your sexual side, you can include them in your experimentation. If necessary, work on moving away from the idea of sex only being one particular act, Dr. Buehler says, adding that you and your partner can find ways to be sensual and affection without feeling pressure to have “full-on” sex.

5. Consider playing around with your decor.

Stay with us here! It might be hard to find ways to feel sensual when you’re spending a lot of time in your house, Dr. Buehler says. “I think that’s part of our sexuality—getting out in the world, having adventures.” Clearly, the pandemic has pressed pause on many people’s ability to safely embark upon various kinds of adventures. But you might be able to bring items into your house that excite your senses a little. If reaching for a scented candle feels like advice you’ve heard before, consider a pillow spray, new perfume, or a fragrant floral arrangement. Dr. Buehler also suggests looking at your environment and making changes like rearranging furniture (maybe that means putting your bed closer to the window so you can feel the sun even if you’re stuck inside, or removing your TV from your bedroom). You might also upgrade your bedding to a softer fabric that feels great on your skin, or you could bring in a plant—somewhere that you see it often—to spruce up your environment.

6. Wear your sexiest pre-pandemic outfit (yup, just to lounge at home).

Much the way tweaking your decor might encourage you to feel a bit sexier, dressing up can help. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to walk around in lingerie (unless you want to). Instead, you might slip on that really cute dress that makes you feel like Rihanna, even if you’re just wearing it at home. It’s not about dressing for a specific occasion. It’s about wearing something that makes you feel good. “I think it’s a good idea to look in your closet and pull something out that you feel good in, even if you feel a little silly,” Dr. Buehler says. If your go-to outfit doesn’t work that same magic—maybe it doesn’t fit like it used to or simply doesn’t make you feel hot—it might be a good time to treat yourself to a new outfit if you have the money.

7. Try yoga or other forms of exercise.

If you’re not feeling particularly sexy at the moment, Dr. Buehler suggests physical practices, like yoga or deep breathing. “It doesn’t have to be a Vinyasa yoga routine, but just doing some breathing exercises, slow movements, or connecting with your body and reminding yourself that you can feel at home in the body can help,” Dr. Buehler says. Additionally, moderate exercise, like jogging or your favorite cardio workout, might help in a lot of ways, including boosting your mood and maybe encouraging your libido, the Mayo Clinic says.

8. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about your sex life.

To be fair, not feeling as in touch with your sexual side as you like may not top your list of mental health concerns. But that doesn’t mean you have to ignore it if it’s bothering you. If you feel like losing your sexual identity or having a low sex drive is part of a larger issue, or you’re experiencing this along with feelings like grief, sadness, rage, or despair, you might need some support from a health professional. Even if you think that not feeling sexy is NBD, given all of the “other things” to fret over, you might find that talking through your concerns with your primary care provider or a mental health professional has an impact on how you feel overall. And you can work directly with a sex therapist to explore some of your feelings, if possible. “Don’t feel any trepidation or shame,” Dr. Buehler says. “Sometimes just a few sessions can be really helpful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Aftercare Conversations Might Be the BDSM Practice You Need to Try

It’s a game changer (even if you’re vanilla).

By Patia Braithwaite

If you’re familiar with BDSM, you probably know that communication is a major through line. There’s a reason for this. As SELF previously reported, BDSM, which stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, and sadism/masochism, is a term that describes a wide swath of sexual behaviors that people enjoy. This can range from things like erotic spanking and using restraints to more mental stimulation through things like domination, submission, or light humiliation. BDSM is sort of an umbrella term that describes a host of activities that people might consider kinky, but kink is a larger term for sexual activities and fantasies that tend to fall outside of what we’d consider “conventional.” You can think of BDSM as one aspect of kink.

“Communication is really key to healthy and enjoyable kink scenes,” Liz Powell, Ph.D., psychologist and author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. You and potential partners might think you’re into the same things but “might have zero things in common,” Dr. Powell explains. “So communication is the way we find out what kink means for you.”

Ideally, at the onset of any kinky sexual activity, partners will pre-negotiate a scenario. This might involve talking through likes, dislikes, and hard limits. You and your partner(s) might agree on a safe word so that anyone can end the scene at any time, Dr. Powell explains. Communication, both verbal and nonverbal, continues throughout so that everyone feels safe and supported, Dr. Powell says. But what happens when things are winding down? “There’s some aftercare or ‘cool down’ that provides a place for people to come out of the roles they’ve been in,” Dr. Powell explains.

There are lots of ways to incorporate kink and BDSM into your sex life if you’re interested. But even if you’re not, you might want to try aftercare, which is the point where you and your partner attend to your own physical and psychological needs and each other’s.

For instance, people might check in with one another and make sure they are feeling okay. They might ask for feedback on the scene or talk about what they really liked or didn’t like. Aftercare doesn’t always have to be verbal, Dr. Powell explains, adding that it could include one partner putting a blanket over their partner, stroking their hair, or tending to any bruises that might’ve occurred during a kink scene. But it can absolutely be an overt conversation about what worked and what didn’t, Dr. Powell says.

Before we get into how you might do that, let’s break down why communication often gets lost in the shuffle in more vanilla interactions. There are so many cultural messages about how sex “should” be, especially for cis women who date cis men, that talking about wants and desires might be a turnoff, Lori Michels, L.M.F.T., AASECT-certified sex therapist, tells SELF. This means that when people have sex, they might not notice the need for clear and effective dialogue. Or they might not be as intentional as they could be. And even if they’re vocal before and while having sex, they might not see the need to debrief as things wind down. “A lot of people end up having sex that doesn’t feel great for them, and they don’t know how to express that to their partners,” Dr. Powell explains.

In BDSM and kink contexts, aftercare is an integrated part of sex, Michels says. It’s a natural progression that allows partners to leave the scene and come back to reality in an intentional and intimate way, she explains.

Aftercare conversations can be helpful for anyone, but Dr. Powell says it’s especially useful for folks who might have a freeze response when they are uncomfortable. Even with the best intentions and clear communication, occasionally, something might happen during sex that doesn’t thrill you. If you’re someone who freezes when you’re uncomfortable, it might be difficult to express that displeasure in real time. In an aftercare conversation, once your body has calmed down, you might be able to speak up about how things felt. It doesn’t have to happen immediately after sex either, Dr. Powell says. You might talk to your partner in a day or two, or even longer than that when you’ve had a chance to center yourself a bit.

If aftercare is something you want to bring into your own bedroom, there are a few ways you might broach the subject. To begin, Dr. Powell says it’s okay if you’re not quite sure how to start the conversation. In fact, if you’re feeling awkward, you should just say that. “Name the emotion you’re having about it,” Dr. Powell says. “It makes it easier for you, and it puts you and your partner on the same page.” You might even mention that you saw an interesting article on the topic, Dr. Powell suggests, so that it doesn’t come off as if you’re prepping to have an overwhelmingly critical conversation about your sex life.

If you’re really verbal (or super comfortable with your partner), Dr. Powell also suggests you frame your aftercare discussion around three things that worked well and three things you both might do differently. Often, when saying “how was it for you,” there’s an implication that the answer should be “great,” and that doesn’t leave much room for talking through things you might want to try a different way. You can say something like, “Tell me your favorite parts of what we did and what could we do to make things better or more exciting,” Dr. Powell says. Additionally, she suggests that asking for three positive notes and three things that you want to improve can increase the likelihood of getting honest feedback.

If you have major resistance to bringing up aftercare or you’re not quite sure what you liked and disliked about a certain sexual experience (or sex in general)—that’s okay. You can totally explore your own body and figure out the sensations that feel best for you, Michels says. It’s not unreasonable to have aftercare conversations with yourself, TBH. The more comfortable you are with yourself, the easier it will be to express those feelings to others, Michels explains.

And, Dr. Powell says, aftercare has implications outside of your bedroom. “Aftercare might be important during an argument when your bodies are still coming down from the big emotions and all the physiological responses,” she explains. “Any time you’re having a strong emotional response, something that looks like a version of aftercare could be helpful.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex After Cancer

— The Topic No One Wants to Talk About

By

I was clueless when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. The fear of the unknown was overwhelming. I had so many questions but didn’t have any answers. I did however find a group of breast cancer survivors through Facebook and quickly joined.

The post pinned at the top of the group’s page said that all questions were accepted, and the administrator of the group posted that no topic was off limits and that all posts would be kept confidential.

As someone who had many questions with very little answers, I quickly decided to join the group.

I perused the page for several months and quickly became “virtual friends” with some of the women. The ladies in the group became a wonderful resource. They were gracious and kind when I’d ask a question.

But one topic seemed off limits and it was one I really wanted to discuss — sex. At first, I was afraid to bring it up. Although I assumed that I wouldn’t be openly judged, it felt odd to discuss such a sensitive topic with complete strangers. But as I’d scroll through daily posts, I found I wasn’t the only one interested in post-cancer intimacy. There seemed to be others who needed answers.

Everything I’d read indicated people didn’t openly talk about their sex lives, at least those with severe health issues didn’t. But I found, after cancer treatment, many would admit, the physical relationship with their spouse had changed. What once had been a spontaneous and natural relationship had become uncomfortable and difficult. And, many who’d admitted their struggles chose to deal with it alone instead of trying to find help because they were embarrassed to do so.

I was thankful when the topic of sex gained popularity in the Facebook group. The administrator posted questions and wanted the members to share their thoughts. According to the responses, the reasons many were struggling in their sexual relationships was due to physical pain. The second opinion in the poll indicated emotional distress to be a huge factor. Some women posted comments regarding mastectomy. They indicated losing one or both breasts greatly affected their self-esteem and negatively impacted their desire for sexual intimacy. I was surprised at their candor.

What I discovered, through the online poll, was that some women found talking about post-cancer sex easy, but for others, including myself, it was a challenge. And I wondered why that was the case.

I’d always been raised to believe sex was supposed to be a wonderful part of marriage. It was designed to bring fulfillment to both members of a relationship. While I understood health challenges could certainly affect that area of a person’s life, I wondered why those who’d faced cancer-related intimacy issues didn’t want to share.

When the editors of CURE® recently suggested some relevant topics for VOICES contributor submissions, I looked through the short list. I’m always looking for something new and interesting to write about. One topic on that list grabbed my attention but frightened me at the same time — sex.

At first, I didn’t want to write about sex. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt like I needed to do it. From day one, I have always tried to be open and honest about my breast cancer journey. And, I have always felt it was important to share all aspects of my journey in hopes that something I share might help others. So, I pulled up my big girl panties and made the commitment. I would broach the subject as best I could.

It was many months after my treatment ended before my husband and I decided to become intimate. I’d felt self-conscious and wanted to wait. My husband was patient and understanding but when the time felt right, we decided to try.

That evening, we scheduled a time where we could relax and enjoy being together without distractions or interruptions. Neither of us had expectations. We were in uncharted territory. What we did know was we loved each other and wanted to be together.

Since losing my breasts, I hadn’t felt very feminine, so I decided to put on some lingerie in hopes of hiding my chest.

The evening began with gentle caresses and tender touches. As we shared our love, I noticed areas of sensitivity and discomfort. Whenever a touch was uncomfortable, I’d whisper in my husband’s ear and he’d focus on another area.

As we continued to reconnect, I realized I’d lost all feeling in my chest. The nerves had been severed during surgery and my torso was completely numb. I realized, what once had been a source of pleasure was no longer.

To protect our privacy, I won’t share the remainder of the details from that evening but suffice to say, we quickly learned to change and adapt to many of the challenges breast cancer brought our way.

I did some digging as I wanted to learn more about post-cancer intimacy and the issues many men and women face. I found there are many books on the subject.

A consensus, included in the information that I read, indicated that feeling anxious or uncomfortable toward sex after surgery or treatment was completely normal, especially for those who hadn’t been intimate in some time. I was glad to learn that! Continuing to read, I gathered valuable information which included important things to remember like:

  1. Don’t attempt a physical relationship until you are ready;
  2. Talk to your mate about your feelings;
  3. Be willing to adapt and try new things, and
  4. Consult a sex therapist if necessary.

According to breastcancer.org, “The most uncomfortable stuff to talk about is probably your sex life and the changes that have taken place with your illness. You may not know what needs fixing or how to fix it, but you know things are different.”

Many women report having less sex than before their illness, for several reasons:

  • The breast cancer experience slows down your body. It takes longer to do lots of things, including getting interested in, as well as starting and finishing, sexual intercourse.
  • Sex may be uncomfortable or even painful if you’ve been thrown into sudden-onset menopause. No surprise that you tend to have less sex, for now. Many women may have had little or no sex from the time of diagnosis through treatment.

Most people have wild ideas about what goes on in other people’s bedrooms. Give yourself a break: The carefully researched book Sex in America (by Michael, Gagnon, Laumann, and Kolata) tells us that Americans have a lot less sex than the movies, television, and the guys in the locker room would have you believe. The averages reported in that book are:

  1. seven times a month between ages 30 and 40;
  2. six times a month between ages 40 and 50, and
  3. five times a month between ages 50 and 60.

For people over 60, the numbers continue to decline. But although you may assume that no one in their 70s and 80s has a sex life, that’s just not so, the authors wrote.

Whew! It helped a lot to understand everyone’s sex life is very different and there’s no gold standard for what should or shouldn’t happen, especially post cancer. And, experts agreed, even if sexual activity has decreased or even stopped, it was OK. There were still ways to maintain closeness with a partner. Sex did not need to be the focus. Some survivors found contentment in holding hands, cuddling, hugging, and kissing.

My husband and I discovered, as we took the pressure off our relationship, by removing the sex equation, we had freedom to reconnect in ways we never imagined. It has taken time and it hasn’t always been easy, but we’ve managed to rekindle that precious part of our lives.

Discussing the topic of post-cancer sex can be challenging, but there are many good resources available. Some of the ones we found most helpful include:

Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (And Yourself) During Diagnosis, Treatment, and Beyond

Sex and Cancer: Intimacy, Romance, and Love after Diagnosis and Treatment

Sex and Cancer: Six Weeks to Better Sex for Couples During and after Cancer Treatment

The Breast Cancer Survival Manual, Sixth Edition: A Step-by-Step Guide for Women with Newly Diagnosed Breast Cancer

Dr. Susan Love’s Breast Book

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex trends to expect for the year ahead

By Ellen Scott

What’s going to be big in the world of sex this year, beyond plenty of lockdown masturbation?

More inclusive language, sexual telehealth, and intimate grooming for men, apparently.

These are all trends predicted for 2021 by Dominnique Karetsos, the CEO of The Healthy Pleasure Group, which is dedicated entirely to the sexual health and technology industry.

Below she breaks down her forecast of sex trends for the year ahead.

Sexual wellness will be a priority

2020 saw a massive rise in sex toy sales, pointing to a renewed focus on self-pleasure, and Dominnique reckons that trend will continue in the year ahead.

We’ll continue to care deeply about connecting with ourselves and enjoying solo pleasure.

‘It has been a tough and challenging year, at times it felt like crawling through sludge, but on the other side it was filled with celebration,’ says Dominnique. ‘Celebrating and exploring what mother nature permitted us to explore in lockdown and the innovation, education and investment that will steer 2021 into healthier behavioural change.’

Intimate grooming for men

Brands will launch products and ranges specifically targeted to men’s sexual pleasure and wellbeing.

Think pubic hair oils targeted at men, organic lubes, and solo sex toys designed for the penis.

More inclusive, sex-positive language

‘We will see a collosal shift in reshaping the language and education in our space,’ sayd Dominnique, ‘affirming that pleasure is healthy, sex is to be explored solo or otherwise, that its ok to not to be ok, that marginalised communities deserve to be witnessed and heard.

‘From trans communities, those with disabilities, sex workers who should not be de-humanised, all these narratives have made news headlines, acronyms like enby when referring to the non-binary community, brands like EXO have launched world first products with inclusive language for trans women community, Lovehoney investing in disibility ranges and campaigns from Handi.

‘Language is vital in offering us education so we can learn how to shape our own narratives while considering our tolerance and sexual empathy for others.

‘The power of the language has the ability to build countries, reshape policies and carve spaces for our identities; just look at the acknowledgement of the use of pronouns she/he/they. It is just the beginning. Lexicons are how humanity is witnessed, here is hoping that this trend evolves into our new cultural fibre for a positive social impact.’

Sexual spaces online

The sex and health industry is ditching social platforms with harsh restrictions on sexual content and making their own spaces.

‘Innovation of social platforms like Pleazeme.com is providing safe places for all to explore their sexualities, health and wellness,’ says Dominnique. ‘STIs are shifting beyond delivering results on mobiles and encouraging ways for us to share our ‘safe to play’ results, lead by brand iPlaySafe – it won’t be long before you tick the IplaySafe box on your dating app profile before you play.

‘These digital landscapes are our new playgrounds that positively aim to make for a smart internet of sexual health and no longer having our sexualities dictated by archaic commercial structures.’

Gamification of sexual pleasure

Dominnique points towards apps like Clitar Hero, a touch screen game that matches specific pleasure techniques with music and lets you play your way to an orgasm.

‘This is all about having fun and normalising girls’ sexual pleasure,’ she explains. ‘Expect to see many more brands use gamification as a way to engage and expand reach.

‘I look forward to seeing gamification in sex ed in schools, A geat tool to adapt to different ages with relevance.’

Telehealth for sexual dysfunctions

Dominnique says: ‘Brands like Hims and Hers, Numan , Manual, Elanza Wellness have facilitated medical and professional help being delivered to millions of beings in the safety of their homes.

‘There’s nothing like a global threat to humanity to rethink how we heal humans and I believe it is safe to say we will never go back to traditional clinical care or advice about our sexual health. We can only move forward and evolve.’

Improvements to fertility care and contraception

Expect greater innovation in the world of contraception and conception.

‘Brands like OOVA and Lab’s like Cemag Care are revolutionising how we track and translate our hormones aiding women to make accurate and supported decisions about their fertility options or contraceptives,’ says Dominnique. ‘Innovation like Ballerine from OCON MED means as women we have safer, more comfortable, hormone-free smart IUD.’

Smart sex robots and virtual reality learning

Dominnique predicts more excitement in the world of sex robots and AI.

‘Brands like Hatsumi are using VR as immersive research to teach and deliver ultimate experiences from pleasure to death doula, while HPG Lab has developed exclusive IP for robotic clit stimulators,’ she says. ‘These are the next generation of toys to help women learn how to have an orgasm.

‘O School and The Femedic are brands using AI and other smart data technology to ensure our learning and content is not just trustworthy and accurate but relevant.

‘So yes robotics and AI can be used to positively impact our experiences.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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‘Don’t do it just before going to sleep’: how to have better sex

Wherever you’re at in life, there’s always more to learn. Here are some ways to inject joy into your sex life

by Ruby Rare

Messages about sex are everywhere: from advertising to porn to social media feeds. But rarely do they feel inclusive, consensual and pleasure-focused. I’m here to change that. My goal is to get people speaking more confidently about sex.

I spent five years teaching relationship and sex education to young people at the sexual health charity Brook, and while it’s vital these messages are communicated to teenagers, it shouldn’t start and end at school. Wherever you’re at in life, there’s always more to learn.

The underlying message of so much advice is, “Buy this, and your sex life will improve.” As we start a new year, I encourage you to spend time on your sex life, not money. This is about feeling connected and empowered through sexual play, not constantly pushing boundaries. Here are some ways to inject joy into your sex life.

Create an environment in which desire can thrive For most of us, this means somewhere comfortable and safe, where we feel able to communicate our needs (although if al fresco escapades are your thing, be my guest). Turn off your phone, try to put everyday stresses to one side, and if something’s on your mind, acknowledge it – to a partner, a friend, or to yourself. Communication is key.

The best quality for great sex is curiosity Be playful with your touch, and remember that not every movement you make needs to be mind-blowing. Consensual touch given with care and curiosity is always going to contribute something nice to a sexual experience.

Trying acrobatic new positions is overrated Variations on classics work far better than anything that’ll risk you slipping a disc. Rather than reinventing the wheel, think about the sensation you’re looking for (lots of bodily contact; room for direct stimulation), and choose a position that’s going to provide that.

Stop having sex just before going to sleep This actually comes from my mum, and it’s a gamechanger. If you wanted to get better at any other activity, would you wait to do it at the end of the day, when you’re knackered? Absolutely not. Evening sex can be lovely, but I (and evidently my mum) champion afternoon sex where possible – it makes things leisurely and indulgent.

Avoid chasing an orgasm I’ve been guilty of making sex so goal-oriented that I forget to enjoy all the stuff leading up to the grand finale. Try to avoid preconceived notions of what’s going to happen before you get started, and take the focus away from where it may lead – it’s best when you’re in the moment. Oh, and a penile orgasm doesn’t automatically signal the end of sex, OK?

Great sex involves lube: the notion that you shouldn’t need it is outdated and unhelpful I like to think of it as the ultimate sex toy, because whatever you’re doing, a good dollop of lubrication is guaranteed to change and heighten the sensation. If you’re not using it, what are you doing? And if you are, try using even more.

Believe in the importance of solo sex Masturbation is a space to indulge in your own pleasure and explore new sensations. If you’re in a relationship, it’s easy to feel as if your sexuality is tied to your partner, but it exists in its own right. Investing time to explore this on your own is a way of claiming agency over your pleasure. Plus, everything you learn can be communicated to lovers for better partnered sex.

Don’t sugarcoat the challenging stuff Sex doesn’t exist in a vacuum: stress, parenting duties, mental health, body image, all this and more can impact our ability to feel desire. There’s a lot of difficult, painful stuff we have to wade through, which we can’t shy away from. It may sound counterintuitive coming from a sex educator, but it’s OK not to feel sexual; desire ebbs and flows – please remember to be kind to yourself.

And here’s the biggie: stop thinking about how you should be having sex, and focus on what you want out of sex and pleasure Provided it’s consensual, there’s no wrong way to have sex. Throw the prescribed messages about what you should and shouldn’t be doing out of the window, and focus on having fun.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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High blood pressure may lead to sexual dysfunction in women

— Know how to deal with it

By: Arushi Bidhuri

If you have high blood pressure and experiencing troubles in your sex life, then you might want to see a doctor. Sexual dysfunction in women with hypertension is not as common as it is men. But it does affect women.

High blood pressure or hypertension is a silent disease that affects millions of people across the world. If left unnoticed, the high force of blood against the artery walls can damage blood vessels and lead to health problems.

Sexual Problems In Women With High Blood Pressure

The effects of high blood pressure in women are still under investigation. But some studies have suggested that hypertension can lead to sexual dysfunction in women.

A study published in the West African Journal of Medicine examined the relationship between hypertension and female sexual functions of arousal, lubrication and orgasm. The researchers found that hypertension may produce female sexual dysfunction.

Another 2006 study reported that women with high blood pressure were twice as likely to experience sexual dysfunction to women who had normal BP. Fluctuating blood pressure is no treat either. It can also lead to sexual problems, which is why it is vital to manage blood pressure.

Experts say that the link between high blood pressure and sexual dysfunction is more complicated than imagined. But what is the link between hypertension and sexual health?

Hypertension constricts proper blood flow, which can lead to sexual dysfunction. Clitoris and vagina also need a decent blood supply, which helps you have an orgasm. With decreased blood flow due to hypertension, some women may experience a decrease in sexual desire or arousal, vaginal dryness, or find it difficult to achieve orgasm.

Women with high blood pressure may have lower libido and less interest in sex, especially if they feel tired due to the condition.

High Blood Pressure May Even Affect Female Fertility

Furthermore, studies have suggested that chronic hypertension can cause poor egg quality and lead to many health problems. A study published in the International Journal of Fertility & Sterility suggests that excess estrogen production in women with hypertension can lead to infertility.

What Can You Do To Manage High Blood Pressure

If you are suffering from hypertension and have sexual issues, then here are some strategies to help you take charge of your sex life by managing the condition.

Exercise

Regular exercise will not only improve your sex life but help you manage hypertension. It will reduce stress, improve flexibility and mitigate the risk of developing many other health problems.

Eat A Balanced Diet

Yes, eating healthy foods can lead to better sex life and improve libido. Eat nuts, berries, avocados, fruits, and green veggies to control hypertension and related disorders.

Cut Back On Alcohol And Smoking

Drinking too much alcohol and smoking can also contribute to hypertension, which can lead to sexual dysfunction. Avoid both to manage the symptoms.

Watch Your Waistline

Hypertension often increases as weight increases. Keeping your weight in check may help you manage your blood pressure levels and improve sexual performance.

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