Doing so may improve your relationship.
Developing good communication is important in relationships, and that’s just as true when it comes to sex—which is why knowing how to describe what you want in bed is such a valuable skill.
Piping up about a new turn-on, or wanting to try new positions, can increase the intimacy between the two of you—or even rekindle the spark when you and a longtime partner have plateaued in the bedroom. If you’ve just started seeing each other, the newness of your bond provides a great opportunity to start a dialogue early, so that you both feel free to verbalize what you want sexually on an ongoing basis.
“The place where I normally start with patients is helping them get curious about what’s stopped them from asking for what they want in bed in the past,” says Casey Tanner, LCPC, a therapist specializing in relationship and sex therapy and expert for LELO toys. “Folks often will come in with apprehension and anxiety around asking their partner for something. This is especially true for people who were socialized as women, taught that we can’t take up space in that way.”
Sometimes, a fear they’ll bruise their partner’s ego holds them back, Tanner says. “Others are afraid to be judged,” she continues. Often, they don’t know how to answer the question even when they’re asked, “because they don’t even know what they want. So it’s important for people to name their communication barrier.”
No matter what’s kept you from making a sexual request to your partner, you can definitely learn how to do it proudly.
To ask for what you want in bed, start by lowering the stakes.
“You don’t have to be a hundred percent sure you’re going to love something in order to ask for it,” Tanner says. “Some people think, ‘if I ask for it, I better like it!” But how do we know we like it if we haven’t tried it yet?” It’s okay if you want to stop midway through if you’re not into something new—even if it was your idea.
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Tanner suggests framing it by saying a version of this: “There’s something I’d love to try with you,” because “that leaves room for, ‘hey we’re trying this together. I’m not committing to wanting this as a part of my sex life forever, it’s just something I want to try.”
Know when to ask in the moment, and when to wait.
“For things such as small adjustments or changing a technique slightly, asking in the moment is totally appropriate,” says Tanner. Commands like “harder,” “slower” “faster,” “a little to the right,” for example.
When you’re introducing something brand-new, like experimenting with sex toys or anal sex, you definitely want to broach the idea before you’re in the heat of the moment, maybe during date night. “If it’s something that’s going to require a nuanced conversation about consent—kink or BSDM, for example—those are the requests that you want to bring up in a non-sexual context.”
If you’re afraid to hurt their feelings…
Be sure to start from a place of praise, says Taylor Sparks, sex educator and founder of pleasure site OrganicLoven. During one of those outside-the-bedroom conversations, she says, “what I like to do with my partners is to say something like, ‘You know what I really like? When you do this, this, and this. And you know what I’d like even more?'”
Describe what you want as specifically as you can, Sparks says (she uses the example of asking your partner to move their tongue up and down during oral sex, as opposed to side to side). “Once you’re in bed and they’re doing what they normally do, you’ve already planted the seed about what you want,” she says. So when they’re down there, you can say, “this is a great time for the up-and-down!”
Avoid words like “always” and “never.”
“Sometimes when we’re looking to get what we want, we confuse it with what we don’t want, and the approach to our partner can be, ‘You’re not doing it right!'” Sparks says. In the spirit of asking with appreciative enthusiasm, playful suggestions are hot. Sharp criticism is not. Tanner recommends making it a point to stay away from phrases like “you always do this,” or “you never do this.”
If you’re nervous, say so.
If you’re anxious about asking, you don’t have to pretend that you’re not. “You might say, ‘I’m new to sharing what I want during sex, so this is a little anxiety-provoking for me’,” Tanner suggests. “By just sharing that feeling with their partner, they’re also letting their partner know, ‘this is vulnerable for me, and I need you to hear this.’”
Share your “why.”
Do you know why you want to try it? “The answer doesn’t have to be complex—it could just be it sounds hot, or you’re curious, or you love doing it when you masturbate,” says Tanner. “Often, our go-to when someone gives us feedback is to think we’ve been doing something wrong. Sharing that ‘why’ helps your partner know this isn’t criticism.”
Show them with your hand.
If there’s a very specific way you’d like your partner to switch up their style during oral sex, and the words to describe it are failing you, try a nonverbal approach. Taking their hand, use your tongue on the sensitive skin between their thumb and index finger, showing them the type of speed, pressure, and technique you need to take you over the edge.
If they ask what you like in bed, and you don’t know how to answer…
You might have some self exploration to do, perhaps with the help of a good vibrator (fun!). But if it’s because you’re drawing a blank in the face of an open-ended question, Sparks suggests turning the q back to your partner. “Ask them, ‘what do you like to do with a partner in bed?’ And that gives you a moment to think about it.”
As they voice what they like, you can chime in when something excites you, too. “Now you’re kind of making your list off of theirs,” Sparks continues. When they name something that doesn’t intrigue you, try a “hmm.” “That doesn’t mean you agree or disagree. It just means you’ve heard them, and you acknowledge it.”
Return the favor.
After you’ve shared, Tanner recommends that you show curiosity in your partner’s pleasure by asking if there’s anything they would like to try (if you haven’t learned it already from your ‘what do you like in bed?’ conversation).
Don’t take a “no” personally.
The potential sting of rejection can loom large. “I think there’s so much shame around this conversation,” Tanner says. “It’s so easy to jump to, ‘I’m bad, this request is bad, what I want is wrong.’ But all it really means is that it’s not something this person wants as part of their sex life—it has nothing to do with who you are.”
And when we do get a no, “we have to ask how important it is to us,” Tanner adds. “Is this a need, or a want?”
Consider when it’s time to consult a therapist.
If you’ve tried everything, and your partner has yet to incorporate your feedback, “at that stage, it’s become a communication issue,” Tanner says. It could be a misunderstanding, or there could be something blocking your partner’s willingness to follow through. “You might say something like, ‘we’ve had this conversation a couple times, and it seems like maybe there’s a disconnect. Can you share what’s maybe holding you back?'”
If you’ve asked them to stop doing something and they won’t, Tanner says, that’s a consent issue. Alternately, “if you’ve asked for something new, it may be a discrepancy in the kind of sex that each of you desire,” she adds. In either event, it may be time to consider visiting a couple’s therapist or sex therapist to facilitate those conversations.
Ultimately, you and your partner share a goal: Enjoying your sexual experience with each other. “It’s not about a problem,” Tanner says. “It’s about potential.”
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