Tag: sex and relationship advice

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What is bondage sex?

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By now, it’s likely you have heard the term ‘bondage sex.’

Maybe it was in general conversation, on the radio, in an article or quite possibly in an episode of Love Island.

However, you may be unfamiliar with what bondage sex entails. There are are many questions that surround the act and, very often, people can be wary and hesitant about even broaching the topic.

So how do you engage in it and what exactly do you do?

Well, bondage sex refers to a form of sex play that involves consensually tying or restraining a partner in a sex position to give or receive sexual pleasure.

It represents the ‘B’ in BDSM which comprises three separate yet combinable elements: bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism.

Sometimes, it is referred to as a sexual ‘kink’ as many believe it to be an activity outside of social norms.

However, as seen by the popularity of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise which portrays sadomasochistic relationships, it is a desired practice.

Different forms

According to sex expert Ness Cooper, it comes in many different forms.

‘Bondage sex is where one individual has control over their partner, often in the form of tying them up or restraining them,’ she explains.

‘There are some individuals who enjoy restraining their partner in consensual psychological ways, but for many it is a physical erotic act involving methods of restraint such as rope, cuffs, or even pallet/shrink wrap.

‘One example of bondage includes shibari, which is a form where a partner is restrained with rope. It’s not always erotic as some consider it as an art form due to how complicated rope work can be.

‘When performing rope bondage in an erotic setting some enjoy the ritualistic feeling it offers to their play as they carefully twine rope around the body.’

She continues: ‘Another form is using cuffs. This is a fun way to explore bondage and allows for a quick way of restraining a partner. Some also like to add in role play to their cuff session and play out certain roles to add extra excitement, like pretending to be a police officer.

‘Meanwhile, mummification is an erotic form of play where an individual is tightly confined in shrink wrap. The individual being wrapped likes the idea that they can’t escape and that that they are helpless when presented to the other individual involved.’

Sensations

Ness notes that individuals enjoy both the physical and psychological side of bondage, with many choosing it for the added sensations it can create.

‘Some individuals who are neurodivergent particularly enjoy bondage due to the sensory stimulation it can provide,’ she adds.

Understandably, bondage comes with some preconceived notions as it can be difficult to understand at first. Yet, Ness says it’s time for the stigma to go.

‘Bondage can be stigmatised by society as it’s not seen as “vanilla,”‘ she explains. ‘But there are many reasons why a person may want to explore bondage, and as long as it’s consensual, it’s perfectly normal.

‘We can often judge those who enjoy sexual acts that go against our social norm.’

If you wish to try bondage but don’t know how to broach it with a partner, Ness has some valuable advice.

How to try it

Communicate with a partner

‘There are many sex board games that offer you the opportunity to talk about and explore different forms of bondage,’ she advises.

‘These can be a great way to try things out with a partner when you’re struggling to find the words to ask them to explore it.

‘Shop online together looking at sex toys and talk about the reasons why something appeals to you. This gives you both a chance to reveal intimate curiosities.

‘Discuss what porn you’ve watched, and if you feel comfortable, even ask them to watch a piece of bondage porn with you. Afterwards make sure you talk about it together and allow your partner time to reflect on their feelings about it.’

Set boundaries

Finally, if you and your partner do make the decision to try bondage sex, Ness says talking about personal thresholds is crucial.

‘When exploring bondage, it’s important to make sure you and your partner discuss boundaries and give each other an idea on how far you’d be like to take things,’ she says.

‘Adding in safe words is a brilliant way to let each other know when either of you have reached your limit.’

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Can You Buy Your Way To A Better Sex Life?

We investigate whether expensive sex toys are *really* worth it.

The sexual wellness industry is worth billions. But can you put a price (or a guarantee) on an orgasm? Sex and relationships writer, Paisley Gilmour, reports from the frontline of Pleasure Inc.

By Paisley Gilmour

As a sex and relationships journalist, I often think I’ve heard it all… until something new comes along that’s either completely genius or so eye-rollingly outlandish that I find myself yelling into my laptop. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people doing what they want to improve their sex lives (as long as they’re safe).

But with the sex toy market valued at around $38 billion in 2019 (even before multiple lockdowns saw sex-toy sales rocket), our sex lives are being commodified. And the more that happens, the more likely it is that you’re marketed stuff you don’t really need.

Sexual wellness is no longer confined to a dark corner of the internet; sites like Cult Beauty and Priceline now have their own sex sections, so you can browse vibes while stocking up on toothpaste. Goop – purveyor of the controversial jade vagina egg – now sells everything from a ‘date-night box’ (around $360 for a vibrator, sex gel, massage oil, chocolate and the infamous ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’ candle) to a 14-carat gold-plated collar-and-lead bondage set (around $740).

There are sexual wellness apps, too. Emjoy is an ‘audio guide for intimate wellbeing’ with a $16 monthly subscription fee, while Ferly promises to ‘radically transform your relationship with sex’ for around $25 a month. And let’s not forget the wealth of workshops and treatments you can try in a bid to improve your sex life. Tantric sex retreats for couples starting at $1000 and a $580 three-hour massage for ‘performance and orgasm issues’ spring to mind.

So, with the thriving industry going nowhere, does spending more on your sexual wellness actually guarantee success?

Is it worth splashing out on expensive sex toys? A case study

Jess Hooper* spent nearly $5,300 on her sex life over 12 months that straddled 2020 and early 2021; a sum that includes a Sybian – a sex machine with customisable vibrating dildos you can ride – that costs around $1700, as well as a rechargeable Doxy Wand vibrator for $299.95.

Among her other investments are new lingerie (“for regaining self-confidence”) and a butt plug with crystals inside (because she “needed some sparkle in 2020”). Jess also attends a pelvic-floor Pilates class for better sexual enjoyment and is a committed OnlyFans subscriber, changing the model she pays every month to support sex workers through the pandemic.

It was after experiencing pelvic-floor issues and difficulty orgasming that Jess, now 31, decided to invest more in her personal sexual wellbeing. “Years ago, I realised how important it is when looking at wellbeing overall,” she explains. “Sexual pleasure and satisfaction are an integral part of life for many. I’m willing to spend money on it, but I’ve had to really think about what can help me sexually.”

So, does every cent spent equate to mind-blowing orgasms? Seems it’s not quite as simple as that.

“I’ve found that items that look pretty aren’t always great. Often, sex toys made from expensive materials break really easily, so they’re just decorative. There was one I wanted… and it was meant to feel like oral sex. But there was so much wrong with it, and it even damaged my skin.”

Among Jess’s other regrets is a gold-plated dildo, since the vagina’s natural lubricant stripped the plating off over time. While Jess generally likes the sex-position pillows she’s invested in, she’s since found a cheaper alternative in mobility pillows, as well as those designed to help with back pain, which can be found in supermarkets.

Overall, Jess has seen the biggest payback on her investment when she’s bought things for herself – something she’s been doing a lot more of over the past year, now that she’s no longer in a polyamorous relationship.

“What I buy now is less couples-focused and more about me – something I probably neglected for years,” reflects Jess.

Budget VS high-end sex toys: My personal experience

While I’ll groan when I see my bursting inbox, full of bizarre NSFW emails, I’m aware my job comes with a great deal of sexual privilege. I’ve been able to test and review sex toys that are way beyond my budget, visit sex resorts that would have cost me thousands and even attend a $180 workshop that taught me how to use a strap-on.

I’ve been granted unrivalled access to the luxury sexual wellness world that would otherwise have been unavailable to me. And along the way, I’ve learnt a thing or two about what’s worth the hefty price tag.

I’ve had orgasms courtesy of a $25 vibrator and a $360 model and, with the exception of the millennial-pink marketing material, I’m not sure the experiences were actually all that different.

Of the hundreds of toys I’ve tried, only 10 remain in my under-the-bed sex box. And of those, I only really use five on regular rotation. I only have one vagina, after all.

My old faithful is a $50 glass dildo from Lovehoney, and on the pricier end of the spectrum is my other favourite, the Kip vibrator from female-owned brand, Dame Products. At around $130, it isn’t cheap, but its materials are high quality – and having spent hours chatting to the brand’s founder about her activism within the industry, I feel it’s a toy worth splashing out on. As for the dildo, the glass is sustainable, will last a lifetime and – most importantly – is body-safe.

Safety of materials used

The truth behind this ever-expanding industry is that it’s unregulated. That said, last year the International Organization for Standardization (ISO) – an independent body that develops voluntary expert-backed standards for different products and processes – released its first set of standards for sex toy design and materials. It warned manufacturers against the use of certain materials, like phthalates – a group of chemicals that are used to make plastics more flexible and have been linked with decreased fertility, asthma and breast cancer. I only use toys that are made from body-safe materials, like medical-grade silicone, ceramic, metal and glass.

Behind-the-scenes production ethics

While free porn has never been more accessible, it’s undoubtedly problematic. Pornhub had to remove millions of videos in 2020 after they were found to feature victims of child exploitation and sex trafficking, and 40 women are now suing the site’s owners, MindGeek, for about $100 million. I rely heavily on my subscription to ethical porn site XConfessions instead. Starting at about $16 a month, this gives you unlimited access to independent adult films by director Erika Lust, in which the actors are paid fairly and have creative input. After all, nothing can put you off your stride more quickly than wondering whether or not the actor you’re watching was treated with respect on set.

Supporting female-founded sex toy brands

Then there’s the question of who you want your money to go to. “A lot of sex tech for women is still being designed by men,” says Alice Stewart, a creative technologist and founder of Touchy-Feely Tech, a company that makes DIY vibrator kits and holds workshops to teach people how to build their own sex toys.

But the tide is turning, with more female-founded companies that have women and non-binary people in design roles popping up. See: Dame Products, MysteryVibe and Lora DiCarlo.

“It’s like there are two sides to this industry. There are sex-positive, female-founded companies advocating for marginalised folks out there, and while they’re expensive, they’re using very new tech that’s patented and for which they’ve won awards at science and engineering trade fairs. But then there’s the side serving the mainstream, with cheap products, copying ideas and selling a hundred options. The world I prefer to be in is the one that often comes at a premium,” says Stewart.

This decision, Stewart is keen to emphasise, is a personal one, and not because the smaller companies will guarantee a better experience. “An orgasm can also be achieved with a very simple, cheap vibrator,” she adds. “Essentially, all the sex toys out there have the same components.”

Sex toys won’t fix your personal life

When you face a problem in your life, it’s tempting to open up Google, grab your credit card and throw money at it. But just as owning the world’s best hand weights won’t automatically build muscle, shelling out on your sex life doesn’t come with an orgasms-or-your-money-back guarantee.

“In reality, most of the challenges people have that prevent them from enjoying a good and flourishing sex life are psychological. They’re not necessarily issues that can be fixed with lube, a sex toy or a new workshop. Although those things can absolutely help,” says sex educator Portia Brown.

Instead, Brown suggests looking inwards and working through any relevant issues at play such as body image, boundary setting or communication troubles.

“If you’re not experienced using toys or can’t be honest with yourself about what you want from a sexual experience, chances are you won’t have the exhilarating time you hope for. You can buy great sex toys or even the services of an accomplished sex practitioner, but only you can decide whether or not you can let yourself enjoy the sex you crave in the way you want,” says psychosexual therapist Lohani Noor.

“Ultimately, communication is at the foundation of every good relationship, and investment in it will enable you to reap the rewards of mutually satisfying sex,” continues Noor.

Whether to splurge or save on sex toys: The TL;DR summary

From my own experience, and through my conversations with the sex-positive people who are trying to change this industry, I’ve learned there’s no simple answer as to whether you really can buy your way to a better sex life. Some people do rely on sex toys to orgasm and experience sexual pleasure, and if dropping a month’s salary on golden anal beads makes them happier, who are we to judge? But cheap toys are, for many people, a gateway into the sex-toy world and as such, they have an important role to play, too.

Above all, I’ve learnt that true sexual fulfilment comes from investing more than just money; it comes from investing time and emotional energy in yourself. As with just about every other thing you spend your money on, a quick fix rarely equates to long-term happiness; just as a new designer dress won’t immediately solve your body-confidence woes, a diamanté spanking paddle can’t guarantee a rich and wild sex life, either. In short, sexual wellness, ultimately, comes from within.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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All About Arousal

By Eleanor Hadley

Do you ever feel like you and your partner are on totally different wavelengths when it comes to sex? Hands up who can relate to this? You get home, see your girlfriend curled up on the couch. You feel horny, so you go over and start laying on the moves. But she’s not up for it and shuts you down. Again. You feel rejected and sexually frustrated. Why doesn’t she want sex?

What if I told you that the issue isn’t necessarily that she doesn’t want sex at all, or that she isn’t into you anymore. But instead, it’s all about context. A fundamental mismatch in libido is really common in relationships where one partner seems to always be horny at the drop of a hat, but the other doesn’t feel that same pull. There are a lot of factors that can impact our level of arousal and our desire for sex, and most of them fall into whether we are actively turned on or turned off.

In my work with women, some of the biggest concerns they come to me with is a lack of desire, connection to their pleasure, struggles with sex drive and mismatched libido with their partners. This all gets exacerbated of course if their male partner is pressuring them in any way, or making them feel like there’s something inherently wrong with them. They tell me they feel like they’re “broken”, that they need fixing or that there’s something wrong with them if they no longer feel like sex as much as they once did.

Understanding Arousal: The Car Analogy

Let’s think of our libido, our ‘sex drive’ like a car. We need a good balance between using the brakes and the accelerator, and it all depends on the situation as to which we need. Now, if we have our foot slammed on the brakes, no matter how much you rev the engine, the car won’t move, right? Similarly, the car won’t move by simply taking our foot off the brake without pressing down the accelerator. The same goes for arousal. In order for us to feel ready and excited for sex, we need to first take our foot off the brake, and then accelerate. Essentially, we need to turn off the things that turn us off and turn on the turn-ons.

Sounds simple right? Well, everyone’s brakes (what turns them off) and accelerators (what turns them on) are different. Not only do we all have unique and individual turn-ons and turn-offs, but the sensitivity of our brakes and accelerators will vary widely between people too. To have the best, most nourishing and pleasurable sex we can have, what we want to do is activate our accelerator AND deactivate our brakes. Let’s explore the difference between the two sexual arousal systems.

The Accelerator

The Sexual Excitation System (SES) is your sexual accelerator or your turn-ons. It’s in constant pursuit of pleasure, working below the level of consciousness and scanning the environment for sexually relevant stimuli. It looks for things in your sensory world – what you can see, smell, taste, touch, hear – and sends a message to your brain (and sometimes your genitals) to turn on.

Possible turn-ons could be things like:

  • Mood lighting
  • Seeing a partner’s naked body
  • Feeling desired by their partner (without pressure)
  • The smell of your lover’s fragrance
  • Sexy music
  • Seeing your lover in their element
  • Certain types of touch (sexual and non-sexual)
  • Eye contact
  • Deep conversation
  • Sex Toys
  • Imagined scenarios

The Brakes

The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is your sexual brake, or your turn-offs. This system is perpetually scanning your environment for possible threats and reasons not to be aroused because nobody wants a random boner at a family dinner, right? This system is incredibly important in our everyday life, but if our brakes are highly sensitive then they can hinder our sexual experience. This is why we want to do what we can to take our foot off the brakes when it comes time to get down. Our SIS can be split into two categories, internal and external.

Internal:

  • Body image insecurities
  • Performance anxiety
  • ‘Meaning’ (eg: are we dating?)
  • Being up in your head
  • Feeling distracted or rushed
  • Feelings toward the person
  • Not feeling seen or appreciated
  • Social consequences

External:

  • Harsh lighting
  • Fear of being caught
  • Concern around lack of protection/catching an STI
  • Fear of unwanted pregnancy
  • Temperature in the room
  • Messy environment
  • Safety in general (physical AND emotional)
  • Inappropriate context (eg a family dinner)

So, to be in a state of arousal is essentially to be able to turn on the ONs, and turn off the OFFs. But of course, whether you’re turned on or off will depend largely on the context. Everyone’s accelerators and brakes are different and have different levels of sensitivity, but these lists might give you more of an understanding of what your own turn-ons and turn-offs are so that you can share them with your partner. And similarly, discover what theirs may be.

So, the next time you’re wanting to get it on with your lover – pause and consider what you each might need in order to release the brakes and rev the engine. Enjoy!

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What Does an Orgasm Feel Like?

By Gigi Engle

You might be thinking: “Um. Anyone who’s had an orgasm knows what they feel like.” But, to be honest, that isn’t the case for everyone.

What an orgasm feels like is pretty subjective. “The question of how to define orgasm is something even scientists debate,” Sarah Melancon, Ph.D., a sociologist, clinical sexologist, and resident expert at the Sex Toy Collective, tells TheBody.

It’s not a super-definable thing—and no two are the same. Well, that might be a bit of an overstatement, but that is to say that orgasms are as varied as the stars in the universe. And this can be both very cool and very confusing.

It all begins with the nuts (LOL) and bolts of how we respond to sexual stimuli. The sexual-response model was originally thought to happen in four phases, thanks to sex researchers Masters and Johnson: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.

While this model has been updated to become more non-linear and to include desire as a stage of sexual response, orgasm has remained pretty consistent: the culmination of sexual tension that is released at the peak of sexual arousal. Sexual response, and the orgasms that often come with it, are part of a complex system. There is a ton of variance in human sexuality.

If you’re wondering what exactly happens when we have one off the wrist, look no further. The science of orgasm is something we could all do well to learn more about.

What Happens When You Orgasm

To understand orgasms, we need to understand their foundation: arousal. “Both people with penises and people with vaginas have erectile tissue. Erectile tissue contains capillaries with a unique feature. When you’re not aroused, the blood flows freely in and out, but when you are aroused, the blood goes in but not out. Erectile tissue filling with blood is called ‘engorgement,’ and it makes the tissue feel fuller and firmer,” Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Becoming Cliterate, explains to TheBody.

All this blood creates the tension we mentioned above. And, when the tension is released, that’s an orgasm.

For people with vaginas, orgasm often is associated with rhythmic contractions of the vagina and pelvic floor, along with a sensitive clitoris, but this interesting factoid is not one-size-fits-all. It’s very important for our collective sexual well-being to de-pathologize sexual function and allow people to experience what they experience, without trying to shut them away into little boxes.

And for penis-havers, orgasm follows these same principles: Orgasm consists of rhythmic contractions of the pelvic floor and a sensitive penis. Ejaculation and orgasm are, however, much more likely to occur at the same time for people with penises.

Other bodily things that occur during orgasm: increased breathing and heart rate, along with a rush of feel-good reward chemicals from the brain. Humans are nothing if not really cool.

What About Ejaculation?

Orgasm and ejaculation are not the same thing. They are related, almost inextricably so, but they aren’t the same thing. “Pelvic muscles contract, which in males, helps to eject semen,” Melancon says. Orgasm is a physiological (brain and body) response, whereas ejaculation is a physical reflex.

For vulva-owners, orgasm can sometimes accompany ejaculation (squirting fluid from the Skene’s glands and/or urethral sponge), but certainly not always. Only about 10% to 13% of women and other vulva-owners ejaculate during sexual arousal or orgasm.

Orgasm Intensity Is Varied

The old adage that orgasms are explosive, volcanic eruptions is bred out of a lack of good sex education and pornified depictions of sex. Yes, some orgasms are absolutely mind-blowing, but they fall on a massive spectrum.

Pleasure is, in fact, not an absolute when it comes to orgasms. “[Orgasmic] contractions are often experienced as highly pleasurable, though some feel pleasure without noticing the contractions specifically,” Melancon explains.

Melancon tells us that the intensity of an orgasm has a lot to do with how we want to experience them. “Orgasms vary depending on the physical areas stimulated, the emotions involved, the quality of the relationship (for partnered sex), whether we engage in our preferred sexual activities, hormones (particularly shifting across the menstrual cycle), and an individual’s physical and mental health,” she says.

Whether you have micro orgasms or orgasms that could melt your face off, you’re completely normal. Orgasms can be super fun, but at the end of the day: They’re a psychophysiological manifestation of sexual stimulation. “No one way is better than the other—however you experience orgasm is the right way for you,” Mintz adds.

The Pathway to More Orgasms Is Not Thinking About Them

Removing penetration and focusing on sensation and touch can allow people to begin to reframe their relationship to and understanding of pleasure. It allows them to move away from social scripts and start to write their own, cultivating a new path for desire to form with mindful action and a willingness to be flexible. When orgasm isn’t the focus, orgasms have a place to happen. Anxiety and intense focus are the anti-orgasm recipes.

Here’s some piping hot tea: Orgasms are not “given.” Everyone is responsible for their own orgasm. This means your pleasure, advocating for what you need and want, and understanding how your body works is actually your job. Your partner is not a mindreader, and expecting that is going to lead to a lot fewer orgasms and a lot more discontent.

Lastly, Mintz tells us that there is one thing every single human absolutely must purchase if they want to have better orgasms (both alone and with partners): lube. “Vulvas [and penises] are not meant to be touched dry, so use lubricant.”

Not Everyone Has Orgasms (and They Can Still Have Great Sex)

People may have trouble orgasming. This is known as pre-orgasmia (also known as anorgasmia). These issues with orgasming usually occur even if the person is fully sexually aroused and receiving enough and the right kind of sexual stimulation. Pre-orgasmic people who were assigned female at birth often report a lack of adequate stimulation or arousal—and this is all surely related.

Orgasms themselves vary in intensity, but the absence of them entirely is considered a “problem,” as it can cause great distress. Studies suggest orgasmic dysfunction affects 11% to 41% of women.

Pre-orgasmia is a relatively common thing I see in my sex therapy practice. I’ve found taking orgasm off the table right away can be quite helpful. A lot of orgasmic functions can be rooted in feelings of shame or an inability to let go (the fear of a loss of control).

But, at the end of the day, orgasms are not everything. It’s absolutely possible to have incredible sex without orgasms. Let’s stop pressuring ourselves to be Perfect Sexual Beings and instead enjoy the wonderful and rewarding experience that sex can be. Get after it, mate. It’s about the journey, not the destination.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Orgasms Are Great, But Masturbation Also Comes With These 5 Health Benefits

By Devon Barrow

Masturbation used to be a hush-hush topic saved for private conversations. But these days, as we’re rinsing shame out of sexuality, the holistic importance of sexual pleasure has come into full view. Backed by tons of positive science and research, we’re finally starting to see masturbation for what it really is: a wellness practice.

We tend to think of wellness as green smoothies and cycling classes, so where does masturbation fit in? To get clear on the subject, we connected with Dr. Holly Richmond, Ph.D., LMFT, CST. “I believe we should consider masturbation as a wellness practice because sex and self are not dualistic,” she describes. “There’s not my general health over here, and my sexual health over here.”

As Dr. Holly confirms, sexual health is a holistic part of our being. And that doesn”t necessitate a partner. Masturbation is just as effective at promoting sexual health…especially with the help of brands that stand for pleasure and its role in our daily lives, like Dame. Their products, designed to nourish sexual wellness and deepen connections, make it easier for us to enjoy masturbation more and claim the many health benefits behind it. And BTW, there are many.

The health benefits of masturbation.

In order to fully reap the health benefits of masturbation, we need to understand what it’s about on a deeper level. “I prescribe [self-pleasure] all the time,” Dr. Holly shares. “I don’t call it masturbation because people tend to think of that as goal-oriented, and the goal is usually to have an orgasm. Sexual pleasure is also good for us, and that doesn’t have to include an orgasm.” The bottom line is: Sexual pleasure comes with all sorts of health benefits, orgasm or not. So let’s dive in:

1. Masturbation strengthens your pelvic floor.

According to Dr. Holly, self-pleasure helps make our pelvic floor stronger. And while orgasms aren’t necessary, they certainly help. “Orgasms are like a mini-workout for the pelvic floor,” she describes. “When we orgasm, there are these micro-contractions that help enhance our pelvic floor… This prevents incontinence and makes our orgasms stronger.” So the question on everyone’s mind: How do we make orgasms easier and frequent? Dame’s AerTM is a powerful arousal tool that uses thrilling pulses of air to simulate oral stimulation. Designed to take us all the way, right away, consider this one workout you’ll never skip.

2. Self-pleasure boosts your mood.

Most of the benefits that come from sexual pleasure happen as a result of the oxytocin and dopamine released by the body. As Dr. Holly describes, these natural chemicals wash our prefrontal cortex and our brainstem, leaving us with an overall sense of wellness. Along with boosting our mood, the PomTM can help us get in the mood too. Fitting snugly in the palm of your hand, the Pom offers broad or targeted stimulation for more pleasure, with more ease. With five different intensity and vibration settings, it’ll get the dopamine flowing.

3. Orgasms help us sleep better.

“For some of my clients, having an orgasm is something they do at the end of the day that helps them sleep,” says Dr. Holly. For many of us, sexual pleasure is something that deescalates the nervous system, leaving us in a state of peace and calm. Studies show that sexual activity can lead to a release of oxytocin (the cuddle hormone) and prolactin (a hormone that makes us sleepy) while inhibiting cortisol (the stress hormone)—like a neurotransmitter nightcap for better sleep.

4. Self-touch can help promote the health of our skin.

Exfoliate, moisturize, and self-pleasure…your new skin care routine. The hormonal release that happens with sexual pleasure decreases stress, improves our sleep, and promotes relaxation. Add all these benefits up, and you get glowing skin. On top of that, sexual pleasure has been proven to raise estrogen levels, which can help maintain the youthfulness of our skin. So for the sake of your skin, enjoy extra pleasure with a partner by trying out Dame’s famous and bestselling EvaTM. This wearable clitoral vibrator stays in place during sex to enhance partner play without getting in the way.

5. Masturbation helps us stay present.

We all have the meditation apps and mindfulness books, but we may be forgetting that sexual pleasure is a simple practice to bring us here and now. “To have great sex with ourselves, we do have to be in the present moment, so there is another benefit,” Dr. Holly confirms. “When we’re taking care of ourselves with our self-pleasure practice…it’s going to help us feel more present instead of being in the shame or depression of the past or in the anxiety of the future.”

Make pleasure a practice.

The conversation surrounding masturbation is quickly changing. It’s no longer something to blush about or keep secret. (And if 76% of women and 92% of men masturbate, was it ever really a secret?) It’s important to remember that talking about masturbation means talking about pleasure. As Dr. Holly puts it, “I’m very much an advocate of any time that we’re defining or looking at sexual health—we’re talking about pleasure.” Dame offers sexual wellness products that put pleasure at our fingertips. But they also offer other products, like their Arousal Serum and Massage Oil, which help us turn pleasure into a practice.

“Dame’s sexual wellness products help us receive more benefits from masturbation because there’s literally something for everyone,” Dr. Holly says. “There’s lube to get you started and so many different kinds of vibrators based on your own sexual template. Dame does such a good job of checking all of those boxes.”

The more pleasure we experience, the better we feel—there’s no question about that. But the science shows that more pleasure also means more health and well-being. From better moods to deeper sleep to brighter skin…we officially have every reason to masturbate more.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Get Through a Dry Spell in Your Relationship

It’s completely normal, but it’s also important that you address it with your partner.

By Brianne Hogan

Everything seems better at the beginning of a relationship, but especially the sex. Impromptu romps in the sack are the norm as you and your partner are excited to explore each other’s bodies. You’re never too tired or bored either—you’re almost always in the mood.

But now you’ve hit a drought. Maybe you’re stressed and busy or maybe you’ve hit a rough patch with your partner and your timing is off. Whatever the reason, the sex is infrequent or has stopped altogether. It could be a few weeks or a few months or even a few years. Yep, you’re in the middle of the dry spell. Now what?

“Dry spells are completely normal whether you’re in a relationship or single, whether intentional or not. There will always be times in your life and relationships where you want to take a break from sex and that’s completely OK,” Aliyah Moore, a certified sex therapist, tells Lifehacker. “It all boils down to how you choose to respond to it as an individual and as a couple.”

A lot of the shame attached to having a dry season comes from the social construct on how much sex we should be having rather than focusing on what is right for our current situation.

And although dry spells happen within all relationships, according to Moore, many couples ignore the signs and don’t take the time to understand why it’s happening and how to remedy the situation. “If you avoid the problem and distance yourself from your partner, you’re just making it harder for the both of you to figure out how you can get back into the game,” she says.

While dry spells are completely normal and are nothing to be ashamed about, if your dry spell is bothering you, Moore provides insight on how to break out of it.

What causes a dry spell in a relationship?

“Dry spells often happen after the ‘honeymoon’ phase in relationships. This phase varies from couple to couple, but usually, this ‘euphoric’ stage in the relationship lasts a couple of months to two years,” Moore explains.

Once this phase ends, Moore says, couples start to see their partners for who they truly are—their imperfections, quirks, etc. “Some get annoyed by them and leave their partners, while some choose to stay and accept their partners despite their flaws.”

But then, for some, a long-term partner can also turn into a constant presence that often doesn’t make them very sexy.

“They become a part of your routine to the point that sex gets boring,” she says. “Plus, it no longer becomes a priority with everything else happening in life, like a new job or kids.”

Factor in partners being taken for granted and couples dealing with many major issues in their lives including everything from demanding jobs to family problems to health issues, and sex taking a back seat is very common for many couples.

Why sex is important in relationships

Maybe you’re thinking that a dry spell isn’t a big deal; that you can do without sex so long as you and your partner are still committed and sharing a life together. So why is sex necessary in our relationships?

“Sex is a vital part of life. Any sexual activity (solo or with a partner) offers many benefits to the person’s overall health and well-being,” Moore says. “In relationships, having sex increases the levels of intimacy, trust, and love between partners.”

Aside from increasing each other’s confidence levels in bed, according to Moore, sex between partners also empower couples to open up and be vulnerable to each other.

“Having regular sex improves a couple’s ability to perceive and identify their partners’ emotions. As a result, couples become better at expressing their feelings toward not only each other but also other people.”

Additionally, when a person orgasms from sex, the process triggers the release of the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which plays a vital role in creating a bond between partners.

Moreover, says Moore, most if not all couples feel more satisfied in their relationships when they can fulfill each other’s sexual desires. “Relationships tend to grow when partners can freely express themselves, as well as their sexual needs, desires, and even their fantasies.”

Figure out what’s causing the dry spell—and address it

First, you need to figure out why you’re not having sex as often or not having sex at all anymore. Dry spells happen for many reasons, ranging from minor problems (like being apart from your partner due to travel or job restrictions) to more serious ones (like trauma, health issues, or problems within the relationship).

“Taking a step back to assess the situation and identify the root cause makes it easier for all parties to understand the dry spell and remedy it,” Moore says, who suggests identifying and address these issues alone or with your partner. But either way, you must communicate to your partner next.

“I can’t stress the importance of being open with your partner enough. If you still haven’t learned the cause of your dry spell, you could discuss it and figure it out.”

If you have identified the potential cause, Moore says don’t wait for it to blow out of proportion without doing anything about it or talking about it. “Sharing your concerns and hearing what your partner has to say about them (and vice versa) may surprisingly resolve your dry spell issues. Moreover, communicating with your partner regularly helps you feel closer. Also, it relieves couples from talking to each other about anything—the good and the bad.”

So how do you broach such a subject? Moore cautions against starting the conversation with your partner if your emotions are high. “You’ll only end up saying hurtful things to them that you can’t take back and end up regretting.”

Also, try to avoid opening up this conversation when your partner just got home from work or is stressed because the conversation isn’t likely to be productive, and both of you will end up being more frustrated.

Once you find the best moment to talk to your partner, Moore recommends simply talking about how you feel without blaming or pointing fingers. “Don’t be afraid to say something in the present. Something like, ‘This has been a struggle for me.’ or ‘The past few weeks/months have really been hard for me because of…” And then express to your partner what you need right now. This approach allows couples to really express how they feel about the situation and with each other.”

It’s OK to take things slow

After having the dry spell conversation with your partner, Moore recommends taking things slow in the bedroom. “Don’t rush things, and don’t expect that you’ll immediately go from zero sex to five times a day.”

Instead, she suggests focusing on quality time and quality sex with your partner. “Make sure you have the right mindset, especially if lack of sleep, stress, or a demanding job is the root cause of the dry spell.”

What might also help reignite the spark is remembering how your courtship first started. “I’m talking about all the flirting and lovey-dovey things you did when you were still starting out as a couple (aka, the honeymoon phase),” Moore says. “Don’t be afraid to go back to basics. Go on a date, and make conversations. The touching part can always follow, as well as kisses, hugs, and cuddles. Savor the moment. Remember, each act shouldn’t always end up with sex. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable at the moment.”

If having sex feels right, Moore suggests initiating sex with words like, “Do you want to do something tonight?” or “do you want to play?”

Once things return to how they used to, Moore says don’t be afraid to experiment and explore different ways you can pleasure each other from time to time. “If you’ve reached this point in your relationship, you have to cultivate intimacy on a much deeper level. And by trying something new together, you’ll be surprising yourselves each time.”

Moore emphasizes it’s key to not expect that sex will be the same as it used to be when you started as a couple, because that can lead to disappointment for both of you.

“You have to remember that many things that have happened to you (or your partner) in the past contributed to the dry spell. Stress, lifestyle changes, and physical, emotional, and psychological factors are things you don’t easily resolve overnight. So again, take it slow and be patient with your partner.”

Moore says it’s important to focus on cultivating intimacy and a deeper connection with your partner without the pressure of making it all about sex all the time. “Do what’s comfortable for you at the moment. If you only feel like hugging or kissing one day, then feel free to do so. If you feel like doing it roughly the next day, so be it. And if you just feel like cuddling and talking about random things, do those, too. At the end of the day, it’s the bond you share with your partner that matters most.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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What to know about sexually transmitted infections

With rates of some STIs on the rise, it’s never been more important to understand the risks, symptoms and treatments.

By Annie Hauser

While the pandemic delayed many routine screenings, rates of some common sexually transmitted infections didn’t slow. Rather, rates of syphilis and congenital syphilis continued to surge, as did gonorrhea cases, according to a recent report from the United States Centers for Disease Control and Prevention of 2020 data.

Chlamydia infections declined though that may have been due to pandemic-related decreases in screening, rather than an actual drop in cases, the CDC notes.

Overall, rising cases of many STIs—including congenital syphilis—highlight the need for people to be aware of the risks, prevention strategies, and treatment options, says Okeoma Mmeje, M.D., M.P.H., an obstetrician-gynecologist at University of Michigan Health Von Voigtlander Women’s Hospital who has expertise in reproductive infectious diseases.

Who is at risk for STIs?

More than 50% of new STIs in the U.S. are in people aged 15 to 24. Generally, if you’re in this age group and sexually active, it’s recommended that you be screened at least once a year whether that’s at a student health center, a pediatrician or a gynecologist. The CDC also recommends that everyone between the ages of 13 and 64 be screened for HIV at least once.

In Michigan, anyone over the age of 13 can access reproductive services without parental consent, which can help make accessing services easier for young people.

“Testing is important because we know that untreated or recurrent STIs can be associated with reproductive harm, especially in those who have chronic pelvic pain, pelvic inflammatory disease or damage to their fallopian tubes, which increases their risk for ectopic pregnancy or infertility in the future,” says Mmeje.

People should be particularly aware of rising syphilis rates among heterosexual women. In recent years, syphilis hasn’t affected women as much as men. But a change in incidence means women need to know about the risk, including the worrying increase in congenital syphilis.

Congenital syphilis is still relatively rare—there were 2,148 cases in 2020, which amounts to 57.3 cases per 100,000 live births in the U.S. But that’s a staggering increase of 254% over 2016 numbers. And it can be deadly to newborns. Most people can be screened for STIs during pregnancy, so it’s thought the rise in cases is due to a lack of access to prenatal care.

“If someone misses appointments or has no prenatal care at all, that’s where we see these incidents of people falling through the cracks,” Mmeje says.

Preventing and treating STIs

Mmeje wants people to feel empowered and not judged when it comes to STIs. It’s important to have conversations about risks with sexual partners to understand your risk. Barrier methods, like male or female condoms, can help prevent STIs.

If you know you’re at a higher risk for HIV, there are medications you can take to help prevent infection. Risk factors for HIV include multiple sexual partners and intravenous drug use. Other STIs, including chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis, can be associated with an increased risk of HIV infection.

If you do contract an STI, most can be easily treated. In most states, your partner can get medication too without a visit to a health care provider. It’s called expedited partner therapy. A physician can prescribe medication to a person’s sexual partner without doing a separate clinical evaluation.

Mmeje says that clinicians would prefer that sexual partners of a person diagnosed with an STI come in for their own evaluation. But expedited partner therapy can help in cases when it’s not possible for the sexual partner to come in and be seen.

COVID-19 and STI testing

At the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, public health resources were redirected to pandemic-related efforts. As a result, STI clinics were shut down and a decrease in sexual health screening and testing followed, according to a study from the National Coalition of STD Directors. People receiving treatment at student health centers may have been particularly impacted.

While this caused many people—particularly those in economically and/or socially marginalized populations—to lose access to these critical health care services, the pandemic forced innovation too.

At-home tests for STIs are more available now than ever before.

“Almost overnight, there were all these platforms available for ordering STI tests online that can be done at home,” Mmeje says.

These home-based tests can be expensive and aren’t covered by insurance. But the privacy and convenience can’t be beat, especially for young people or college students who may not regularly visit a primary care physician or OB-GYN, or for individuals with sexual partners who do not want to seek care in a traditional clinical setting.

Trichomoniasis in women

Most people know about syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia, but trichomoniasis—known as “trich”—isn’t as well known among the general population. But it’s extremely common: there were an estimated 2.6 million cases of it in 2018, according to the CDC. That works out to infections in about 2.1% of women between the ages of 14 and 59.

Trich is a parasitic infection. About 70% of people with it don’t have symptoms. But for those who do, the signs include itching, burning and irritation, discharge from the penis or vaginal area, and discomfort while urinating.

In pregnant people, trich can be associated with early birth or a low birth weight.

Like other common STIs, it’s easily treatable after diagnosis.

Overall, Mmeje wants to reduce stigma around STIs to help more people access STI screening and treatment services.

“I want people to understand and know that an STI is not the end of the world,” says Mmeje. “You can be treated to prevent recurrent infection and complications.”

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10 Top Sex Ed Tips for Those 50 and Older

Making love is about more than intimacy. It’s good for your health, too

By Robin Westen

How sexy are your 50s?

If you think sex is the province of the young, you’re wrong. People in their 20s are having less sex now than ever before, studies show, so it’s possible that you’re as active, or more so, as the average millennial. About a third of us are getting busy several times a week, one survey found.

And most of us are still in the game: 91 percent of men and 86 percent of women in their 50s report being sexually active, although activity levels vary widely. So, there’s no “normal” amount of sex for people our age. What matters more is that you and your partner are happy with your sex life. Men and women age differently, and some studies indicate that sexual interest wanes differently as well. Combine that with emotional and physical issues, and it’s possible that you and your partner aren’t on the same wavelength when it comes to making waves.

The upsides, however, go way beyond our cravings for intimacy, pleasure and connection. Sex boosts our immune systems, improves self-esteem, decreases depression and anxiety, relieves pain, encourages sleep, reduces stress and increases heart health. (In one study, men who had sex at least twice a week were 50 percent less likely to die of heart disease than their less active peers were.) Another bonus: You burn more calories making love than by watching The Great British Baking Show.

Not only is there a lot of science around the subject of later-life lovemaking; there’s also a range of products and medicines that can help. Take these steps to revitalize your sex life.

1. Connect emotionally

Women are twice as likely as men to lose their enthusiasm for sex in long-term relationships, research shows. The problem isn’t always reduced estrogen; it could be an absence of emotional closeness. In these cases, try listening more, praising more and showing more kindness. Individual, couples and/or sex therapy can help as well. Look for a sex therapist certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.

2. Address vaginal dryness

It’s one of the top impediments to sex among older women: 34 percent of women ages 57 to 59 experience dryness and discomfort during intercourse, one study found. For help, try over-the-counter remedies before and during sex, such as water-based lubricants (K-Y Jelly and Astroglide), oil-based lubes (olive, coconut and baby oils) and OTC moisturizers (Replens and Revaree). Use these a few times a week, even if you’re not having sex.

3. Emphasize foreplay

“Regardless of the level of dryness, every woman needs to be primed with foreplay before intercourse,” says Elizabeth Kavaler, M.D., a urologist-urogynecologist at Total Urology Care of New York. Another tip: Encourage a woman to orgasm first, which provides more moisture for intercourse and other penetration.

4. Don’t let ED keep you down

Half of men who are in their 50s experience erectile dysfunction (ED), and the gold standard for treatment is prescription meds. Safe, effective options include Viagra (which lasts for four to six hours), Levitra (four hours), Cialis (up to 18 hours) and Stendra (up to six hours).

For the minority of men who can’t rely on a pill, other choices include alprostadil (a drug that’s self-injected into the penis) and Muse (a suppository that slides into the penis). Vacuum pumps use suction to coax erections, and new treatments include platelet-rich plasma (PRP) therapy, which may regenerate nerves and improve blood circulation.

5. Don’t ignore other conditions

Any problem that affects overall health can interfere with sexual pleasure. “Cardiovascular issues such as high blood pressure, as well as diabetes, can negatively impact blood flow,” which isn’t good for sexual arousal, notes New York ob-gyn Alyssa Dweck, M.D., coauthor of The Complete A to Z for Your V. “And depression or anxiety can reduce the desire or ability to have sex.” The problem? Medicines that treat these conditions may also affect sexual desire and response. Speak with your health care provider about side effects and possibly switching meds or adjusting the dosage or timing.

6. Consider estrogen

Women, if over-the-counter lubricants aren’t doing the trick, consider estrogen replacement therapy (ERT), which treats hot flashes and vaginal dryness. The most common delivery methods are creams and pills (you can self-apply Estrace and Premarin with an applicator or take these in pill form), insertable tablets (with Vagifem, you use an applicator to slide a tiny tablet into the vagina) and a ring (Estring, which your doctor inserts, or you can do this yourself; it needs to be replaced every three months). ERT is not recommended for anyone who has or had breast cancer, or for those who have recurrent or active endometrial cancer, abnormal vaginal bleeding, recurrent or active blood clots, or a history of stroke.

7. Think about lasers

A treatment called fractional laser therapy can help reduce vaginal dryness without estrogen. It works like this: A laser creates tiny superficial burns in the vaginal canal. As the area heals, this leads to fresher collagen development and increased blood supply, which makes the area more elastic and responsive, Kavaler explains. (She cautions against vaginal rejuvenation surgery, which is a cosmetic procedure: “It can reduce sensitivity in the area and can make orgasms even more difficult to achieve or, in some cases, sexual intercourse permanently painful.”)

8. Confront incontinence issues

In a national poll of more than 1,000 women, nearly half of those over age 50 reported bladder leakage during sex. The primary reason: Sexual stimulation puts pressure on the bladder and urethra. If you’re hoping to get lucky in the hours ahead, avoid consuming beverages or foods with caffeine, such as coffee and chocolate; caffeine stimulates the bladder and acts as a diuretic (citrus fruits and juices are diuretics, too). Men whose prostates have been removed can also experience incontinence during sex. This condition, known as climacturia, can be treated in a number of surgical and nonsurgical ways. Plus, medications such as Ditropan and Vesicare can decrease urination frequency.

9. Turn down testosterone

In late 2020, the American College of Physicians stated that testosterone replacement should no longer be administered to treat a lagging libido (testosterone can have serious side effects, including an increased risk of prostate abnormalities). Denver urologist David Sobel, M.D., offers three easy alternatives: “sleep, reducing stress, and — the big one — exercise.” Even better: Work out with your lover. Seventy-one percent of runners say that running as a couple plays a healthy role in their sex life, according to a 2021 survey according to a 2021 survey.

10. Overcome arthritis aches

About 58 million Americans have arthritis, and over half are younger than 65, reports the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Arthritis can limit your ability to engage in sex. In addition, an empathetic partner may resist sex to avoid creating discomfort. An option: Ask your partner to experiment with more comfortable positions. Also, time sex for when you feel best (rheumatoid arthritis pain is usually more acute in the morning), the Arthritis Foundation advises. Taking a warm bath, alone or together, can help relax joints before making love. If the pain is severe, try an OTC medicine such as ibuprofen before having sex, or speak with your doctor about prescription medications.

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How to Watch Porn With Your Partner

If both of you are interested in it, viewing porn together can bring a new level of fun and intimacy to your relationship. Here’s how to bring it up — and a few best practices to keep in mind.

by Kelly Gonsalves

Pornography is often exclusively relegated to people’s solo sex lives — that is, they only ever watch it when they’re alone. But in addition to being a very helpful masturbation aid, viewing porn can be a fun erotic activity to share with a partner. The question is, how should you bring up watching porn with your wife or husband?

Now, first thing first: There’s a lot of research out there about the impacts of porn, and the results are fairly mixed — some find negative effects on people’s relationships, some find positive ones, and some find none at all. When it comes to watching specifically with a partner, however, a lot of research has found good news: One study published last year in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, for example, found couples who watched porn together actually report happier relationships and higher sexual satisfaction than couples who don’t.

I’ve picked the brains of various sex therapists about porn use over the years, and while it can be a controversial topic for some couples, it can also be a surefire erotic boost for others. Jessa Zimmerman, a licensed couples counselor and AASECT-certified sex therapist based in Seattle, notes that lots of couples enjoy consuming adult content together, and it can be a healthy part of a couple’s sex life if both partners feel good about the activity. Some sex therapists even recommend viewing sexual media as one of many ways to help couples reinvigorate intimacy.

“Porn, like any other erotic media, can be fun and interesting for many people. What we choose to watch or consume reflects what we find erotic and arousing,” Zimmerman tells Fatherly. “And imagery in our minds — whether from viewing a video, imagining the scene we are reading in a story, or our own fantasy — engages our brain as if we are in the scene, as one of the actors or as an observer.”

Sharing this experience as a couple can help partners become much more intimate with what turns each other on, Zimmerman notes, not to mention serve as powerful fuel for arousal to kick off a sexual experience together.

How to Talk About Porn With Your Partner

If you’ve never talked to your partner about watching porn together before, Zimmerman suggests bringing it up when you have time to discuss it. Suggest it as an idea that might be fun to explore together, and ask them what they think.

You might also consider trying to bring up the concept of porn into the conversation first and then segue into the idea of watching together. Or you can bring it up during a conversation specifically about trying new things in bed.

When you do have the discussion, pay attention to the energy in the room and your partner’s mood and body language — make sure this is something that’s interesting and exciting for you both before you proceed with actually trying it.

As you probably know, porn can sometimes be a divisive subject. Some people feel very uncomfortable with the concept of it or the idea of their partner watching it, so it’s important to check the temperatures before you suddenly suggest the idea of viewing it together.

That said, conversations about pornography, while potentially uncomfortable, are important for couples to have, especially if you suspect your partner might have a problem with it. Much of the research that’s found watching porn can have a detrimental impact on relationships is in fact not about the impacts of the media itself but rather the impacts of the lying, secrecy, and feelings of betrayal that can stem from discovering a partner’s porn habits years into a relationship.

“It’s important to understand someone’s objections to porn,” Zimmerman adds. “If they are concerned that it involves other people at all — like, ‘you should only imagine me’— that might be a bigger conversation.”

If you’re struggling to move through these big conversations, a few sessions with a sex therapist can be helpful.

Watching Porn Together: Best Practices

If you do decide to try watching a few clips as a couple, here are a few best practices to keep in mind to keep.

1. Figure out where your interests overlap

“You want to make sure that whatever content you choose is appealing to both people,” says Zimmerman. “Often, we find different things erotic than our partner does. So what you may enjoy on your own may not turn your partner on (and may even turn them off). That’s why it’s best to talk first about the idea of watching something together and what type of content you’d like to view.”

She suggests swapping links to the kind of material you each enjoy to see where there’s mutual interest. “I certainly advise doing this with an open mind and no judgment. The goal is to understand what is erotic to your partner, and for them to learn the same about you. Then you can look for the places where there is overlap between what you each find arousing.”

2. Make it a bonding activity

Watching porn together should be a way for the two of you to connect as a couple over shared erotic stimuli and learning each other’s fantasies. Talk about the scenes as you’re viewing them, identify what’s hot and interesting to you, and feel free to touch each other if you get inspired. Importantly, most people don’t find it fun to feel like your partner is absorbed by an actress on the screen and just using your body as a stand-in. Keep your focus on sexually connecting with your partner and pleasuring each other. The porn is just there for arousal and inspo.

3. Remember the fantasy principle

It’s important to remember that porn is just a fantasy, and it’s often not representative of how sex works in real life between real people — or even what people would want to actually do in their real lives.

“We can find things appealing in fantasy but have no interest in actually doing them,” Zimmerman notes. “Be aware that your partner may find your interest in porn or erotica as a symbol of what you must want in a partner or want in real life, and they could find that scary or worry that they don’t look like the people in the films. You may need to find ways to describe why something is arousing to you and why that doesn’t impact your enjoyment of your partner and of your sex life.”

4. Consider other formats

Some people find it easier or more fun to opt for other types of erotic media, such as written erotic stories or audio erotica. These non-visual formats allow couples to explore sexy themes and fantasies without having to look at specific other people’s bodies.

5. Keep checking in

Watching porn can be a lot of fun. It can also stir up some complex emotions and worries, especially when doing it with a partner and suddenly seeing in vivid detail what gets them off. If you do decide to explore this as a couple, make sure to keep checking in with each other before, during, and after to make sure you’re both continuing to feel good about it. Remember to stay connected to each other throughout the experience, and keep each other feeling sexy and satiated.

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11 Signs You May Be Bisexual & Common Myths About Bisexuality

By Stephanie Barnes

The word “bisexual,” for many, still exclusively brings to mind a person attracted to both men and women. That was the dictionary definition for decades, but as public discourse has evolved to finally acknowledge the vast number of gender identities that exist, that definition no longer feels specific or broad enough to capture the full range of experiences of bisexuality.

Today, our understanding of bisexuality has evolved along with our understanding of sexual attraction and gender identity. As people are finally able to embrace a seemingly infinite number of identities and ways of being, we need language to expand to hold us, or at the very least give us something to hold on to. The word “bisexual” is a perfect example of this shift.

What does bisexual mean?

In the most general sense, the term bisexual refers to anyone who experiences a romantic or sexual attraction toward more than one gender, which can include women, men, nonbinary folks, and other genders, as well as both cisgender and transgender folks. Bisexuality is not binary.

According to Angélique “Angel” Gravely, M.Ed., an LGBTQ+ educator and advocate, some bisexual people define their attraction in more specific ways, but the one thing that holds true for all definitions is that they indicate being attracted to more than one gender in some way.

“The most important thing to remember when it comes to defining bisexuality is that there is more than one accurate definition of bisexuality and more than one valid way of experiencing attraction as a bisexual person,” she tells mbg. “Bisexual is a label that has room for multiplicity, and that multiplicity is what makes the bisexual+ community beautiful and diverse.”

How common is bisexuality?

According to a 2016 report from the CDC, 1.9% of men and 1.3% of women identified as “homosexual, gay, or lesbian,” while 5.5% of women and around 2% of men said they were bisexual. A 2021 report from Gallup also found that about 55% of LGBT adults are bisexual, meaning that bisexual folks make up the single largest group within the LGBTQ+ community.

Since there is still so much prejudice in the world against LGBTQ+ folks, these numbers are likely lower than the reality; some are still fearful to “come out” or acknowledge their sexual orientation publicly. 

Common misconceptions:

Myth No. 1: The bi- in bisexual refers to the traditional gender binary.

One of the biggest misconceptions surrounding the bisexual community has to do with the prefix bi-, which means two. Dainis Graveris, a sex educator and founder of Sexual Alpha, says, for a long time, this is how many people defined bisexuality—that it’s only focused on the attraction to two opposing genders (men and women) within the binary.

“However, bisexuality does not mean attraction to cis-male and cis-female [people] only. It could also encompass romantic, emotional, and sexual attractions to nonbinary people,” he explains. “Many people who identify as bisexual are attracted to genders beyond the binary—specifically, attraction to gender like your own and toward genders different from yours.”

In short, you can be both bisexual and nonbinary, and being bisexual can include attraction to nonbinary people. 

Myth No. 2: Bisexual people are attracted to everyone, all the time.

This is another harmful stereotype, according to Graveris, even though it’s rarely accurate. Someone identifying as bisexual doesn’t mean they’re walking around experiencing some form of attraction to everyone they meet (just like how heterosexual women aren’t necessarily attracted to every single man they meet, for example). It also doesn’t automatically mean they’ll be more sexually promiscuous.

Graveris adds that there are some bi folks who have a split 50/50 attraction to two genders, but more often, bi folks are more interested in certain genders than others.

“Either approach is totally fine, and it’s very much normal to have a change of feelings over time. You see, being bisexual doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to be attracted to two or more genders at the same time, in the same way, and to the same degree,” he adds.

Myth No. 3: It’s just a phase…

Another common misconception about bisexuality is that being bisexual is just an experimental or transition phase, and that these people are going to “come to their senses” and eventually come out and choose one gender over the other, according to Graveris. This is false and also continues the binary of sexuality and gender.

“Never invalidate your bisexual identity, feelings, and experiences. Remember that no two bisexual experiences are the same,” he emphasizes. “Bisexuality is a unique identity. Your bisexual identity is valid. You are valid.”

Myth No. 4: Bisexual people are more likely to cheat.

It’s also a common belief that folks who identify as bi are more likely to be unfaithful. Graveris says there’s no evidence pointing out that bisexuality and cheating go hand in hand.

“Bisexual people build relationships just like any other person. If they stay in a monogamous relationship, they’re [just as] likely to be faithful as anyone else. Being faithful is a choice; cheating is a choice, regardless of gender,” he says.

Signs you may be bisexual:

1. You have conflicting feelings toward another gender.

Like any sexuality, bi feelings can be confusing—especially if you’ve grown up in a traditional household or have preferred one gender for most of your life. Graveris says you may now find that you’re questioning yourself, perhaps because you’re finding yourself with feelings for someone of a different gender. Rest assured that “these feelings are entirely normal. Over time, you’ll get some clarity over your confusion when you begin to explore your desires and feelings,” he says.

2. You’ve found yourself thinking characters in movies, series, and TV shows are hot—regardless of their gender.

“Perhaps you’ve started noticing attraction to both or any gender when you were younger. While this isn’t a surefire sign that you’re bi, it could help you begin an internal conversation about what you really want,” Graveris says. (Note: Some bisexual people are attracted to men and women, though for some bisexual people, the genders they’re attracted to may not necessarily include both men and women.)

3. You relate to a new bi character on your fave show…

…or you get a sense of pride when a famous star comes out as queer or bi. Although these two examples don’t immediately mean you’re bi, they could be good indicators.

4. You fantasize about people of different genders.

Graveris says, while some fantasies aren’t meant to be enacted upon or might not mean anything much, there might be a reason you can’t stop thinking about people of different genders in your fantasies or dreams.

5. You see yourself having a long-term relationship with someone, regardless of gender.

Visualizing having a long-term partnership with someone of any gender is a good sign that you’re bi. You might be more comfortable with one specific gender over others, but if you could see yourself dating people of different genders, that may signal some bisexual inclinations.

6. The “bi” label resounds to you.

When you think about all it entails, you realize you identify with the label and think it perfectly fits how you experience romantic and/or sexual attraction. If you’re comfortable using and being called this label, it’s a good sign that you’re bi.

7. You take the stigma personally.

Graveris says a good indication that you might be bisexual is if you find the unfair portrayal or stigmas toward bisexual identities hurtful and take them personally. Unfortunately, he says, bi folks have been subject to scrutiny from outside and even inside the LGBTQ+ community.

“If you feel hurt when someone questions your sexuality or claims that it’s nonexistent or feel attacked when someone says that bisexuality is just a phase, you just like sleeping around, or you’re not straight/gay enough, then you might be bi,” he says.

How bisexuality relates to other identities.

Bisexual vs. pansexual.

Bisexuality and pansexuality are incredibly closely related and sometimes even used interchangeably. Some people embrace both, while some prefer one over the other. We’ve got a whole guide to the difference between bisexual and pansexual, but the gist: “Bisexual incorporates gender while pansexual does not,” says Carmel Jones, a relationship coach and founder of The Big Fling. “To be pansexual means that gender doesn’t factor much (if at all) into whether you are attracted to someone. Their attraction is to the person, regardless of their gender. But bisexuals register gender in their attraction to someone and recognize that they are attracted to more than just one gender.”

Asexuality.

Asexuality means there is a lack of sexual attraction and/or desire toward others in general. This is not gender-specific, but an asexual person might still have specific genders they’re more romantically interested in or would be open to having some sort of physical intimacy with. “You can also identify as both asexual and another sexuality, leaving it open-ended. Some people call this graysexual, and it signifies very little sexual attraction,” Jones says. In other words, yes, you could be both bisexual and asexual.

Romantic orientations.

Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are not the same thing, says Jones, and someone can be sexually attracted to some genders and romantically attracted to others. So, a person could be heterosexual but biromantic, for example.

Other terms to know.

  • Queer: The dictionary defines queer as something “odd, strange, or weird,” but the word has since been reclaimed and redefined. These days, queer is an umbrella term that is sometimes used to describe anyone within the LGBTQ+ community. The term also provides a sense of community for those who may not fit into one of the other categories specifically but also don’t identify as strictly straight or strictly cisgender.
  • Multisexual: An umbrella term for any sexual identities that include romantic and/or sexual attractions to more than one gender. This can include bisexual, pansexual, omnisexual, queer, and others.
  • Omnisexual: Someone who is attracted to people of all genders, and for them, gender plays a huge role in that attraction.
  • Bi-curious: Someone who is looking to explore or has already begun exploring bisexuality. There’s some disagreement about whether this term has roots in biphobia, however.
  • Heteroflexible or homoflexible: A heteroflexible person is mostly straight (heterosexual) though occasionally attracted to the same gender or other genders. A homoflexible person likewise is mostly gay (homosexual) though occasionally is attracted to the “opposite” gender. For example, a heteroflexible man might primarily date and sleep with women but occasionally date or sleep with a man. Like with bi-curiosity, there’s still ongoing debate over whether these terms are rooted in biphobia.
  • Skoliosexual: Someone who is attracted to anyone who isn’t cisgender. This means a skoliosexual person will usually find themselves drawn to people who are trans or nonbinary.
  • Fluid: Some people describe themselves as sexually fluid. A person who is fluid experiences their sexuality or sexual identity as changing over time or in different contexts rather than having one finite way they experience attraction.

These terms and many, many more can be found in our huge glossary of sexual identities.

What’s the point of all these labels?

According to sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes, for some people, labels can provide comfort and validation of something they experience to be true for them. Identifying with labels in sexuality can be incredibly supportive in naming your experience and finding comfort in relating to others who may feel the same.

“It’s human nature to want to feel belonging and acceptance, and labels can often be a wonderful and valid way to understand ourselves and find acceptance and belonging in our experiences. Identifying with a label that feels good to you can feel incredibly empowering and affirming to define yourself,” she tells mbg. “[Some people] identify with multiple labels, and sometimes they prefer to use terms that act more as an umbrella term without truly defining what the label is (fluid, queer, pansexual, etc.).”

On the other hand, labels aren’t the only way to feel this way. In fact, for others, labels can actually create the opposite feeling of comfort because they may feel constraining and restrictive and don’t support the experience they feel. Some folks feel like there aren’t any labels that feel good to them. So, if you’re having a hard time connecting to labels, Menezes suggests ditching them altogether.

“Sometimes folks grow and evolve, and finding new labels that match the experience can feel exhausting. The human experience of sexuality is incredibly diverse, and sometimes there isn’t a label that feels right, and so the most empowering thing to do might be to ditch the labels and just do you,” she says.

Additionally, Menezes says, “There really isn’t a one-fits-all when it comes to labels, but there is a one-fits-all around the choice in deciding what feels the most empowering to you, and that is: Take what you love and leave the rest. You get to choose what feels right for you.”

Dating when you’re bisexual:

1. Be true to who you are.

It’s OK to be upfront with potential new partners about your identity, says Antonia Hall, a transpersonal psychologist, sex educator, and author of The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life. Bisexual people can sometimes feel like they need to hide that part of themselves from dates due to the stigmas around bisexuality, but Hall says it’s important to release that shame. “Do not let societal pressures shame you for your personal sexual preferences.”

2. Be prepared for questions (and ignorance).

But remember, you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. There are people in the world that are simply behind the times, says Jones. “When dating, just remember that curiosity and ignorance might come into play, and be prepared for that. But it’s important to know that your sexuality is your business, and you never need to justify yourself to anyone. If you are in a dating scenario where you are justifying, overexplaining, or feel uncomfortable, that person is not compatible for you.”

3. Take it slow.

“If you are newly exploring your bisexuality, it is fine to take small steps until you feel more comfortable dating multiple genders,” Hall says.

Jones also recommends taking things slow. It can feel exciting (or nerve-wracking) to enter an unfamiliar dating world, but taking things slower will help you explore it on your terms. It’s not going to happen overnight, and there’s a chance you may get rejected here or there. But hey—that’s how dating goes regardless of sexuality! So, remember who you are, what you want, and that the best experiences happen when you feel comfortable and work on your own timetable, she says.

4. Create a list of nonnegotiables.

“When you are new to navigating the bisexual dating world, it can feel as if the world is your oyster sometimes, and other times like nobody understands you. This pressure can then cloud your judgment when it comes to finding the right person,” says Jones. “Make a list of dating bottom lines that you can always refer to, regardless of the gender of the person you are dating.”

Supporting the bi+ community.

When it comes to supporting the bi+ community, many people need to start by letting go of judgment and releasing the stigma. A lot of what contributes to biphobia and bi-erasure are harmful cultural ideas and narratives around bisexuality, Menezes says. 

“Biphobia is a form of homophobia toward folks who identify as bisexual or bi. It’s important to challenge harmful beliefs and stories society has created around bisexuality. Bisexual folks face a lot of challenges in the LGBTQ community as well as the straight community, and part of supporting the bi community is educating and learning about some of the issues and challenges bi folks might face,” she says.

Biphobia can be found in all communities: Bisexual folks are often fetishized by the straight community and not queer enough for the queer community. Often this leaves folks who identify as bisexual feeling invalidated in their experiences and identity.

So if you want to support the bi+ community, start by pushing back against the harmful stereotypes and bi-erasure. “That can range from calling out biphobic comments you hear in conversation to advocating for your local LGBTQ+ organizations to provide tailored supports for bi+ people,” Gravely says.

Menezes says it’s important to create more spaces for celebrating bisexuality and to uplift the voices of bi folks in both LGBTQIA+ spaces and everywhere. It’s also important to educate yourself. Interact with bisexual folks, creators, and resource centers. You can start by spending time on websites such as Bisexual Resource Center and Bi.org, Gravely says. 

Ultimately, Gravely says supporting bi+ people comes down to acknowledging they exist, affirming their bisexual+ identities and experiences, and fighting with bi+ people to create a world where they can exist without fear of discrimination or stereotyping.

The takeaway.

If you think you might be bisexual, then take some time to explore the idea. See how the label feels. Your sexual identity doesn’t make you who you are, but they are a part of the whole self—which means it’s important to explore. It’s also important to know that you don’t need to claim a label immediately or ever. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey of self-discovery.

In general, when it comes to bisexuality and all its nuances, it’s time to release those outdated definitions and the stigma rooted in misconception and ignorance. Show up for the people in your world as they need you to, and hold space for them as they continue to become.

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Autism and Sexuality

— Understanding Your Child’s Sexual Development

For parents of neurotypical children and neurodivergent children alike, some things are universal. We all want our kids to be happy, healthy, and loved, and we all worry—a lot.

By Rachel Andersen

One of the biggest concerns we may have for our kids can be how they will handle romantic relationships, sex, and the social aspects of dating in general. There is much to think about, but adding autism into the discussion takes it up a notch.

In this article we will take a few minutes to study autism and sexuality. We will find out what we as parents need to know about supporting our kids with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) as they navigate their sexual development, and all that it brings with it.

E – expression

In the grand scheme of things, children, adolescents, and young adults with autism spectrum disorders, need to know the same basic things about sex as their neurotypical peers. Most often, it’s how they process, implement, and express themselves that can be different. It is important to educate our kids.

Relationship education

Relationship education is the base of understanding for:

  • social skills
  • sexual well being

Sexual education

Sexual education is the foundation of safety for:

  • promoting sexual health
  • prevention of sexual abuse and sexual assault
  • protection from sexually transmitted infections
  • sexual function

In order for us to educate our children, we must first educate ourselves. In her paper, titled Sexuality and Adolescents with Autism, Rebecca Koller writes: “Education for caregivers of individuals with autism regarding issues of adolescence and self-pleasuring may help alleviate the anxiety of individuals with autism caused by misinformation or the absence of information. Such education, along with information regarding sexual abuse, should be included in a proactive approach to sexuality training for individuals with autism.”

A child with intellectual disability is going to process the information they need differently, and the most effective way to help them with that is to give them the information at their level.

Social stories are a great way to educate. Hypothetical situations used to illustrate real situations provide an opportunity to walk through topics and allow our child to practice relationship skills in a safe, low pressure way. Sexual education can start with these.

D – desire

According to an article published in the National Library of Medicine, titled Brief Report: Asexuality and Young Women on the Autism Spectrum, studies show that a higher percentage of people with autism spectrum disorders identify as asexual. The presence of sexual attraction will clue us in to what direction we can take with our kids.

As we build our relationship with them, we can learn about what they feel and think about sexual things, and help guide them along the way.

U – understand

Information unlocks many doors. Being misunderstood is one of the largest obstacles for our kids on the spectrum. If we as parents strive to be a constant source of understanding in our kids’ lives, our relationship with them will strengthen, and their ability to take on the world will increase.

We need to help our kids understand that their feelings are normal, and the most appropriate ways to express them. Their understanding of others feelings, desires, and appropriate expression is of utmost importance as well.

How does autism affect intimacy?

In Webster’s dictionary (2022) the word “intimate” is defined as: marked by a warm friendship developing through long association. Our kids’ first intimate relationship is with us; we are the ones they are familiar with.

As they get older that circle widens and more people are allowed in. As they grow and develop, the kind of intimacy with each person in their circle changes.

This can be difficult for children with autism. In order for them to understand appropriate intimacy with others, they need to build their social skills.

Addressing sexuality begins with setting clear and distinct boundaries about what intimacy is, and how it relates to sex and relationships. Then, we need to understand how autism can affect intimacy, and help our child comprehend and prepare for how that can show up in the interactions with others they are close to. They need to know what is appropriate and what isn’t, and from whom.

Helping our child understand sexuality socially, it is important to discuss the way sexuality is expressed. In the interest of educating ourselves first, let’s find out how autism can affect sexual behavior.

Sexual behaviors

As parents we will bring views and emotional “baggage” with us from our own lives that will affect our understanding of our kids. Some of us want to do things opposite to how our parents raised us, others want to preserve the “right” way we learned from our elders. Either way, it is imperative that we see our children clearly and strive to learn from them through a fresh set of eyes, ears, and hearts.

Sexual behavior can be terrifying to address for parents, especially if those behaviors come up at very inopportune times with our kids. Learning as much as we can about sexual behavior and how they can be influenced by autism can really help prepare us to deal with them as they come. Addressing behavior should be done with a calm and understanding approach.

Behavior like:

  • masturbation
  • hypersexuality
  • inappropriate touching

If these behaviors occur at inappropriate times or places because of a lack of understanding of social situations, it can pose a problem for our kids. Teaching them about their bodies early on can go a long way to helping our children know when, where, and with whom they may express themselves sexually.

Koller writes: “Education regarding sexual abuse should be a component of responsible sexuality education. Increased vulnerability among children with disabilities relates to their inability to understand or communicate what has happened or what will happen.

“Two of the most important issues to address in the area of social-sexual relationships are how to teach appropriate behavior and how to balance risk and opportunity. Walcott (1997) reports that ‘without proper education in the areas of sex, health, and physical education, people with moderate and severe disabilities risk exposure to sexual exploitation, poor health, abuse, and neglect.’”

The aspects of romantic relationships are just one of the complexities that our kids with autism may struggle with socially. There is some overlap in the educational needs.For example, teaching our kids about body language is helpful since they may not pick up on those cues on their own. Understanding body language at a young age will help them detect new body language signals or recognize negative ones early, just because they are different to what they already know. This can help protect them from people who may not have their best interest at heart.

Gender identity, sexual orientation, and sexual identity

In a study called: Gender identity and Sexual Orientation in Autism Spectrum Disorder, Rita George and Mark A Stokes comment that “children are generally cognizant of their gender between the ages 18 months and 3 years, and by the beginning of school years, most children will have achieved a sense of their gender identity and a certain degree of gender constancy, at which time children begin to realize that gender is a permanent state that cannot be altered by a change of clothing or activity”.

The same study revealed an increase in the likelihood of individuals with ASD to experience gender identity issues. “When compared to typically developing individuals, autistic individuals reported a higher number of gender-dysphoric traits. Rates of gender-dysphoria in the group with autism spectrum disorder were significantly higher than reported in the wider population. Mediation analysis found that the relationship between autistic traits and sexual orientation was mediated by gender-dysphoric traits.

“Results suggest that autism spectrum disorder presents a unique experience to the formation and consolidation of gender identity, and for some autistic individuals, their sexual orientation relates to their gender experience. It is important that clinicians working with autism spectrum disorder are aware of the gender-diversity in this population so that the necessary support for healthy socio-sexual functioning and mental well-being is provided.”

Children know from such an early age who they are, what they like, and though they may mask their feelings because of social pressures, it doesn’t change who they are.

As parents, looking at the data we can see that we need to be ready to support our child with autism if they come out as part of the LGBTQ+ community, and to recognize the signs, and so that we have a chance to know before they do.

Our treatment of them can either reinforce, or counteract society’s views of them. If they are loved, supported, and educated with us, they will know when to recognize safe people to have relationships with. They will know what healthy looks and feels like, and they will be confident in who they are.

Their mental health is just as important as their sexual health. Safety is the goal. Knowing the increased chances of social misunderstandings, communication is imperative.

C – communicate

As we impart the knowledge we gain to our child, and our relationship with them grows, we can watch them begin to navigate their own relationships in the world. They can learn to communicate with others they are interested in and build healthy intimate relationships.

A – allow

In the world in which we live, so much of what we have discussed above is controversial. We may not agree with the conclusions that our kids come to, the relationships they wish to pursue, or who they know themselves to be. Accepting them for who they are and who they love does not always mean endorsement.

Many parents choose to disassociate from their children when they find out they are not who they thought they were, whether that is their sexual orientation, gender identity, or their sexual choices. This can leave the young adult vulnerable and unsupported.

The goal for parents should be to make sure their child knows what they need to know, is capable of making their own decisions, and to love and accept them regardless. You can disagree without disengaging.

We can allow our children to be who they are, love them, and keep the lines of communication open. We should encourage free and open discussion, foster social interactions, and facilitate relationships with children their same age–mentally, not just in years. An emphasis on gender diversity, as well as children of their own gender identity is important.

T – timeline

You may be thinking, this is too much information to throw at a kid, and I would agree. However, sex education can begin very early. Age appropriate information about their bodies, body parts, and functions, who they belong to, friendships, body language of friends, family, and strangers can all be collected with our kids. All of this being before our kids experience being sexually attracted, sexual activity, sexual experiences, so that when those things do occur, they are ready—even if we are not.

I – Inspiration

How we handle the topics that come up around sexual matters with our kids will inspire them. If we are calm, matter of fact, informative, and set a good example ourselves, they will be inspired to do the same. Their view of themselves, their sexuality, and human connection starts with what they observe in us.

O – Outsource

There are programs to help children and young adults with ASD learn what they need to know socially and how to find romance safely. I want to share with you two resources, both are courses or services run by speakers from the Autism Parenting Summit.

Michael Clark runs: Amazing Skills for Kids and Adults

Jeremy Hamburgh runs: My Best Social Life

N – Nuance

Sexuality is a spectrum. It encompasses much more than the act of intercourse. Understanding your child’s sexualality is important, as it is as unique as they are. EDUCATION is key.

Acceptance and understanding start at home and carry throughout life. Your child needs to know they are loved, and worthy of love. They can grow to be confident individuals who understand their sexuality, express it appropriately, and engage in healthy relationships with others.

References:

Bush, H. H., Williams, L. W., & Mendes, E. (2021). Brief Report: Asexuality and Young Women on the Autism Spectrum. Journal of autism and developmental disorders, 51(2), 725–733. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-020-04565-6

Rebecca Koller (2000). Sexuality and Adolescents with Autism. Sexuality and Disability, Vol. 18, No. 2, https://abafit.coursewebs.com/Courses/BEHP1096/Autism%20and%20Sexuality.pdf

George, R., & Stokes, M. A. (2018). Gender identity and sexual orientation in autism spectrum disorder. Autism, 22(8), 970–982. https://doi.org/10.1177/1362361317714587

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How To Be A Better Kisser

— 26 Tips & Tricks From Sex Experts

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Kissing, making out, Frenching, locking lips…whatever you call it, it’s one of the most intimate and thrilling things that two people can do. And while the focus often lies on sex when thinking about how to be a better lover, perfecting your kissing game is just as (if not more) important. Here, we’ve collected a bunch of different tips to help you land your makeouts just right every time.

Why humans kiss.

To understand how to kiss better, it’s helpful to understand why humans kiss in the first place.

People kiss in order to express feelings of closeness and desire, as well as to amplify or intensify the arousal they might be feeling. “Kissing stimulates the brain’s pleasure regions, causing it to release a mix of hormones that leave you feeling oh-so-fantastic,” explains clinical psychologist Judy Rosenberg, Ph.D. “These molecules include oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin, which are pleasurable and promote feelings of affection and bonding.”

There are also myriad benefits of kissing, from helping to reduce stress levels to potentially supporting your immune system, according to Texas-based clinical psychologist Ana Ortiz-Lugo, PsyD., HSP. And within relationships, kissing serves a vital role in that it can help heal tensions and promotes closeness. It is also often a vital part of a couple’s sex life and a way to show intimacy outside of the bedroom. While relationships can often go a long time without sex without the intimacy between two people necessarily being lost, Rosenberg says keeping up with kissing is essential for keeping the spark alive.

Interestingly, though, while we might think of kissing as something intrinsic to being human, it’s actually culturally specific and only observed in around half of the world’s societies.

Tips & techniques to try:

1. Focus on your partner.

“The No. 1 most important trait of being a better kisser is paying attention to your partner’s response,” says sex and intimacy coach Leah Carey. “Too often we learn a ‘technique’ and become completely dedicated to that way of doing things.” The goal of kissing shouldn’t be mastering one particular “move” but to get to know your partner’s particular desires.

2. Ask, ask, ask!

“It’s so obvious, but many people are scared to ask their partner what they like because they think it will make them look foolish. In fact, it’s exactly the opposite!” says Carey. “Your partner may be sitting on a few things they want to tell you but don’t know how to bring it up.”

If it feels intimidating, you can think of it as a sexy and fun way to learn together instead of something that indicates that something has been “wrong” up until now. You can say, “I want to kiss you even better, so let’s spend 15 minutes teaching me exactly what you like and how you like it. Then we can turn the tables, and I’ll do the same for you!”

3. Prioritize kissing.

Often kissing is thought of as a precursor to sex, instead of an intimate activity in its own right. Set time aside where you focus just on kissing. You can ramp up the excitement by telling your partner you can only kiss and not take off any clothes for X number of minutes. By focusing purely on kissing, you’ll become more adept at it.

4. Make eye contact.

Before going in for the kiss itself, “lock eyes with your partner, give a sensual smile, and slowly lick your lips with a twinkle in your eye,” says sexuality coach Renee Adolphe. By establishing eye contact before making physical contact, you ramp up the anticipation and sexiness. (See also: the viral psychology love eye trick.)

5. Draw out the anticipation.

“Linger in the stages before the kiss,” adds sex educator Suzannah Weiss. “Run your hands through each other’s hair, touch each other’s faces and bodies. Graze your lips against theirs before going in for the kiss. Kiss other parts of their face before going toward their lips. Try to keep teasing each other like this until you can’t take it anymore.”

6. Build it up.

Once you get into it, start with the softest, most feathery kisses you can manage, suggests clinical psychologist and sex therapist Lori Beth Bisbey, Ph.D. Then slowly work up to kissing harder and faster. You can also use your hands at the same time to caress and passionately grab your partner for extra emphasis.

7. Use your tongue.

“Work on your tongue game,” encourages Bisbey. Try different patterns and strokes, alternating pressures and rhythms. See what your partner responds well to when it comes to this so-called French kissing.

8. Don’t be afraid to bite.

You can tug on your partner’s lips with your teeth if that’s something that they’re into. Just make sure not to bite too hard, too suddenly, says Bisbey. People’s mileage may vary with biting, so ask before diving in.

9. Suck it.

You can try sucking briefly on your partner’s tongue—bring it deep into your mouth while creating a brief but strong suction action and then gently release it, says sex therapist Lori Lawrenz, Psy.D., of the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

10. Involve your whole body.

Weiss also recommends making kissing a full-body experience: “Playfully lean forward and away as you kiss your partner. Graze your hands over their arms and legs. Grind your hips against theirs if that’s something you’re both comfortable with,” she recommends. These actions help to increase the desire between the two of you and add an edge to your kisses.

11. Pay attention to your partner’s reactions.

“Look at how your kissing partner reacts when you kiss their neck, nibble their ear, do a playful lip bite, or slip your tongue in,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. By being mindful of these things, you’ll know whether or not your partner is into what you’re doing and then you can make adjustments.

12. Kiss places other than their mouth.

Kissing doesn’t have to be limited to mouth-on-mouth. Play around with other places to kiss on your partner’s body. Try their eyelids, their nose, the crook of their arm. (Here’s our full guide to erogenous zones, too.)

13. Be a tease.

Another fun way into a make-out session: “Play a game where you lick your partner’s lips, but as soon as they try to reciprocate, you pull away. Don’t let them know what you’re doing; just keep pulling away until they finally understand that if they want your kissing, nibbling, licking, and teasing, they have to lie back and receive it,” suggests Carey.

14. Focus inward.

“Kiss mindfully,” suggests body coach Sarah Bick. “Notice everywhere your lip touches theirs. Home in to the sensation.” When you force yourself to be in the moment instead of letting your mind wander, the pleasure you feel from the kiss will be intensified.

15. Get into the groove.

Certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW, recommends that you practice relaxation techniques so that your body isn’t tense while making out. A few stretches can ground you in your body and make you a little looser so that you can really find your rhythm and have fun without feeling tight or stressed.

16. Pamper your lips.

Before you actually get to the kissing, AASECT-certified sex therapist Jessica Kicha, LMHC, recommends making sure that you always have a soothing lip balm on hand to ensure your pout is silky smooth. “No one likes kissing chapped lips!”

17. Brush up.

It’s also important to stay on top of your oral hygiene, says Kicha. Make sure you brush and floss at least twice a day. A quick swill of mouthwash before a kissing session is also considerate. You want your date to focus on how good it feels to kiss you, not on how much your mouth tastes like noodles.

18. Keep it fresh.

“If you are planning on kissing after a date scheduled around a mealtime, have mints on hand to refresh your mouth,” Oakland-based psychotherapist Julia Simone Fogelson, LCSW, adds. “This demonstrates to the person you are kissing that you care enough to do a little extra to make sure they have a positive kissing experience with you.”

19. Get consent.

“There’s nothing sexier than consent,” Fogelson says. “There will not always be the Hollywood movie moment where the two people dive in for a passionate kiss. A simple ‘Can I kiss you?’ with eye-gazing and a smile shows that you are into clear communication and respect.”

20. Follow their lead.

When you are moving your tongue into their mouth, check to see if they seem to be responding in kind. If so, keep going. If you feel like they are pulling away at all, bear that in mind and correct course, says Bat Sheva Marcus, LCSW, MPH, Ph.D.

21. Embrace awkwardness.

When you go in for the kiss, you and your partner might turn your heads in the wrong directions, you might bump heads or glasses, etc. Instead of getting flustered and pulling yourself and your partner out of the moment, try to keep it lighthearted. Laugh gently at yourself, and then try again, says therapist Renetta Weaver, LCSW.

22. Don’t forget to breathe!

“Take breathing breaks. Everyone needs to breathe,” says Marcus. It can be really easy to get swept up in the moment and not focus on your bodily needs. But if you don’t breathe regularly and deeply while making out, you risk getting dizzy and having to take a break.

23. Close your eyes.

“Closing your eyes increases the sensual nature of the kiss because it forces both parties to anticipate what will happen next. Not knowing exactly what will happen next is part of the excitement!” says marriage and family therapist Janine Piernas, M.A., LMFT. If you accidentally open your eyes to see your partner staring at you, it can be a little off-putting. Eyes closed is safest unless otherwise specified.

24. Use your hands.

Kissing is obviously mouth-centered, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get your hands in on the action too. Use your hands to gently pull your lover’s hair or grab their butt or cup their face. Ask your partner where they most like to be touched while being kissed.

25. Positive feedback is everything.

“Want a kiss booster? Tell your partner they’re a good kisser. If that’s not how you feel, you can still give them compliments with some constructive critique in the middle,” says Moore. When giving constructive criticisms, use “I” sentences so it won’t look as if your kissing partner failed at kissing you. These statements soften the blow and make it easier for the other person to overcome.

26. Use your words.

Kissing is a way of expressing desire or affection without words, but the pleasure that you can derive from a kiss can be intensified if you also tell your partner how you feel about them before the kiss.

The takeaway.

Being a more thoughtful kisser can lay the foundation for a better, more satisfying experience for everyone involved. Increase the intimacy and create moments of real connection by treating kissing like something worthy of attention rather than just a step on the way to sex

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Queerplatonic Relationships Are Like Supercharged Friendships That Aren’t Necessarily Romantic

By Ashley Broadwater

There are all kinds of relationships a person can have: friendly, romantic, professional, familial, etc. But sometimes, two or more “types” of relationships blend. For example, have you ever felt super close to someone to a degree that seems stronger than friendship but not quite romantic? If so, you may have experienced a queerplatonic relationship.

“The term ‘queerplatonic’ was conceived in aromantic and asexual communities to describe ‘alterous’ relationships—or emotional connections that aren’t sexual, romantic, or strictly platonic,” says mental health counselor Laura Harris, LCMHC. “Over time, the term has evolved to include how relationships could transition.” And, that evolution extends to relationships outside the LGBTQ+ community.

“The term ‘queerplatonic’ was conceived in aromantic and asexual communities to describe emotional connections that aren’t sexual, romantic, or strictly platonic.” —mental health counselor Laura Harris, LCMHC.

With an ebb and flow that doesn’t require a “define the relationship” conversation, queerplatonic dynamics are largely characterized by a fluidity and flexibility. “Usually, societal norms dictate lines separating friendship and romance, but in queerplatonic relationships, there are no lines, and they are more flexible in nature,” Lee Phillips, EdD, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist who works with LGBTQIA+ clients. “Queerplatonic relationships cultivate mutual deep intimacy and trust between partners with a level of emotional closeness and loyalty found in a romantic relationship.”

And queerplatonic relationships may be growing in popularity, as well. According to OkCupid data, the word “queerplatonic” saw a 50 percent spike in appearances on people’s dating profiles in April 2022 compared to April 2021, says Michael Kaye, head of global communications with the company.

As for why this might be and how such relationships tend to form, Dr. Phillips suggests it has to do with people growing increasingly close with one another but not necessarily feeling a romantic or sexual pull. This, perhaps, could be a side effect of our networks becoming tighter-knit amid pandemic socializing conditions, which have challenged fringe friendships and casual dating, and given more attention to our primary relationships.

In practice, queerplatonic relationships may look like people planning out their lives together, designating one another as emergency contacts, and traveling together, for just a few examples. According to Harris, a queerplatonic relationship could also mean cohabitation, physical intimacy (without the assumption of sex), sharing finances, and coparenting. So, basically like a best friend with benefits, assuming the benefits in question aren’t sexual in nature.

That said, queerplatonic relationships can turn romantic for some people. Such simply isn’t a given or even necessarily a likely scenario (especially if you’re already in a committed romantic partnership with another person). Rather, the closeness of queerplatonic relationships tends to focus on other forms of intimacy beyond that of romantic or physical elements. The people involved “may enjoy the friendship and emotional intimacy so much more than taking it further into something more romantic or sexual,” Dr. Phillips says. And if you are in a committed romantic partnership but also have a queerplatonic relationship with someone else, remember that communication is the of the game. There is no right or wrong so long as all parties involved are comfortable and feel safe.

Ultimately, the people involved in the relationship are the ones deciphering what is and isn’t included in their specific partnership—and there are no hard-and-fast guidelines by which to abide with this framework. “The individuals engaged in that relationship intentionally define rules in what their commitment entails, rather than automatic subscription to societal norms, such as sexual intercourse or romantic obligations,” Harris says.

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Let’s Talk about Sex and Diabetes


By Matthew Garza

Though certain sexual disorders are well-understood in men with diabetes, we know a lot less about the prevalence, impact, and management of sexual dysfunction in women with diabetes. At the ADA Scientific Sessions, Dr. Sharon Parish gave a broad overview of what we do know about this topic.

Dr. Sharon Parish, professor of medicine, clinical psychology and professor of clinical medicine at Weill Cornell Medicine, delivered a fascinating presentation on the third day of the 82nd ADA Scientific Sessions that included a broad overview of sexual disorders and dysfunction in women with diabetes.

What sexual disorders do women with diabetes face?

There are a number of sexual disorders that can affect women and women with diabetes specifically. These include hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) (reduced sexual desire and motivation), female sexual arousal disorder (reduced sexual arousal), and female orgasm disorder (reduced frequency, intensity, or pleasure of orgasms, and/or delayed, spontaneous, or premature orgasms), among many others.

How common is sexual dysfunction?

The prevalence of these conditions is disheartening. Research shows that in sexually active women with type 2 diabetes, as many as:

  • 50% experience desire problems
  • 34% experience arousal problems
  • 36% experience lubrication problems
  • 36% experience orgasm problems

More recent data shows these rates may actually be slightly lower, and there are differences with type 1 vs. type 2 diabetes. Women with type 1 diabetes having a greater prevalence of sexual dysfunction, including decreased desire, lubrication, and arousal. In women who do have sexual dysfunction, there are also higher rates of diabetes distress, impaired emotional well-being, and anxiety.

The reasons these conditions show up more prominently in women with diabetes could include hormonal reasons, infections, hyperglycemia that affects vaginal lubrication, neurological damage, and increased rates of mental health conditions like depression.

What are the risk factors?

Risk factors for these sexual dysfunctions include older age, obesity, smoking, higher A1C, and longer duration of diabetes. Interestingly, depression and marital status are significant predictors of sexual dysfunction in women.

The importance of screening for sexual dysfunction and reducing stigma

Parish stressed that screening is key, but that these conversations should be initiated by healthcare providers by asking open-ended questions. “Have them tell you a story, ask follow-up questions,” she said.

And as a person with diabetes, being honest with your healthcare provider about how diabetes affects your sex life can help them help you. If they don’t bring the topic up, and you are comfortable, initiate the conversation yourself. This can help normalize talking about sex and reduce the stigma associated with these conversations – all people deserve to have a healthy and fulfilling sex life.

Treatment options for some sexual disorders in women with diabetes

For women with HSDD, Parish broke down three treatment options. If you have this condition, ask your healthcare provider if any of these may be available to you.

For pre-menopausal women, Flibanserin could elevate hormones in your brain that lead to sexual desire and Bremelanotide (an injection taken on-demand) can increase desire and decrease distress. Though there is less research in the area, there is some evidence that testosterone injections given off-label could moderately improve desire in post-menopausal women.

In addition, if the root cause of HSDD is determined to be tied to a psychological or relationship/lifestyle issue, counseling, cognitive behavioral therapy, or psychotherapy could also be good options for treatment.

Finally, Parish explained some signs and symptoms of vulvovaginal atrophy (VVA) and genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM) and treatment options. These conditions, which occur post-menopause, can lead to loss of elasticity, soreness, dryness, irritation, and burning. They may be able to be treated with lubricants and moisturizers or low-dose vaginal estrogen.

Why is sexual health important?

Sexual health is an important part of your overall health. Talking to your healthcare team about how diabetes affects your sex life, and finding ways to address the root causes of any issues you notice, could improve not only this area of your life but also your emotional and mental well-being. It’s also important for healthcare providers to help initiate these conversations in their clinics.

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Pelvic Floor Therapy

— How Can it Help You?

Man and woman holding exercise ball between legs in the clinic

By Women Fitness Magazine

If you suffer from urinary dysfunction, pain in the pelvic area, or painful intercourse, then you might need pelvic floor therapy to relieve the pain. This kind of treatment is effective in treating many disruptive and painful conditions involving the pelvic floor.

But what is involved in this treatment? The experts from Pelvic floor therapy NYC will provide you with all the information you need on this treatment procedure in this article.

What is Pelvic Floor?

Most of us know where the pelvic area is but do not know what a pelvic floor is. The pelvic floor pertains to the group of muscles, tendons, ligaments, nerves and connective tissues that serves as the base and support for the pelvic area.

Men and women both have a pelvic floor, but there are slight differences. In women, the pelvic floor supports the bladder at the front, the uterus at the top, and the vagina, and rectum at the back. In men, the pelvic floor holds the bowel, bladder, urethra, and rectum. The openings from the aforementioned organs pass through the pelvic floor.

The pelvic floor muscles are attached to the pubic bone at the front and the tailbone to the back for both men and women.

The Importance of the Pelvic Floor

The pelvic floor plays an important part in bladder and bowel control of both men and women. This is because it ‘holds’ or supports the said organs. The pelvic floor is also important for the sexual health of both men and women.

For men, a weak pelvic floor can lead to erectile dysfunction; for women, a tight pelvic floor can cause painful intercourse. A dysfunctional pelvic floor can lead to urinary dysfunction for both men and women, especially adults and teenagers that participate in high-impact sports.

Other Types of Pelvic Floor Dysfunction

Pelvic floor dysfunction can refer to a wide range of issues, including but not limited to:

  • Bladder pain
  • Constipation
  • Bowel incontinence
  • Cystocele
  • Endometriosis
  • Frequent urination and urinary incontinence
  • Enterocele
  • Groin pain
  • Lower abdominal pain
  • Pubic or tailbone pain
  • Sacroiliac (SI) joint pain
  • Pelvic asymmetry
  • Pelvic pain
  • Pelvic organ prolapse (POP)
  • Prostatitis
  • Urinary dysfunction due to impact sports

If you suffer from any of these conditions, you might need pelvic floor therapy NYC.

When Can Pelvic Floor Therapy Help?

Although some of the conditions mentioned above require surgery to repair structural defects, some can opt for physical therapy instead.

The best candidates for physical therapy are those that prefer conservative treatment options. They may not be surgical candidates, or they may not need or want surgery for the time being.

If you are experiencing pelvic floor symptoms that keeps you from enjoying life, you might want to consider giving pelvic floor therapy a try.

What to Expect from Pelvic Floor Therapy?

On the first appointment…

Like most people, you might feel a bit anxious or apprehensive when starting therapy. On the first appointment, your therapist will guide you through the details of the therapy and try to answer all your concerns and questions. The appointment is usually held in a private room; therapy will not start until you feel comfortable and are ready to start.

The therapist will usually explain how pelvic floor therapy is still physical therapy—but just for a different body part. Patients are encouraged to ask questions, and your therapist should try to answer them as much as they can.

During Treatment …

As with most outpatient therapies, pelvic floor therapy NYC includes exercises, movement coordination and manual techniques. But including electronic therapies can also help. One therapy included in the treatment is biofeedback, which involves small, painless electrodes applied to the area being treated (which could be the rectal, genital, or perianal area). Biofeedback can be an effective treatment option for patients especially for those that want to improve their bladder function.

Your therapy may have to perform an internal exam, when needed. While this can be uncomfortable, it’s a necessary part of the appointment. Imaging going to a therapist for a leg injury. If they ask you questions about your injury but don’t check your leg, that would definitely be weird. To see if your pelvic floor is working just fine, therapists must check and assess it to give you a proper and safe physical therapy diagnosis.

Length of Treatment

A common pelvic floor physical therapy treatment usually requires one visit every week for eight weeks. But the length of treatment can vary depending on several factors such as the diagnosis, how severe the dysfunction is, and your individual goals. The goal of any therapy is to help you get back to your ideal level of function so you can enjoy and live your life fully.

What You Can Expect from Pelvic Floor Therapy Results

After undergoing pelvic floor therapy NYC, you can expect and enjoy results such as:

  • Being able to enjoy your favorite sport again
  • Being able to start a family
  • Getting through the day without incontinence

Before any of these things could be possible, it’s important that you completely dismiss the idea that your problem isn’t important or that it doesn’t matter. Many of us, especially women, minimize our symptoms and dismiss them as ‘normal’. But it’s never normal to ‘leak urine’ or to experience pain during intercourse. With the right treatment and support group, you’ll be able to correct such problems.

Conclusion

You should be able to notice improvements within the first few visits to your pelvic floor therapy NYC therapist. If you feel or do not notice any changes or improvements at all, you can request for adjustments during a re-assessment appointment. But remember recovery is a process that happens at a different pace for each person.

Speak with your therapist with regards to your gains and setbacks. Once you reach your goals, do check in with your therapist once or twice a year.

To get started with your pelvic floor therapy journey, you’ll need a physician referral. For women, this usually comes from an OB-GYNE or a specialist in urogynecology. For men, these would come from urology or a physician that deals with post prostate surgery care.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!