There are certain taboo topics that aren’t openly talked about, and masturbation — particularly, female masturbation — has certainly been one of them. But experts say that’s starting to change.
“There was a time when it wasn’t open for women to talk about it,” Dr. Leah Millheiser, director of the female sexual medicine program at Stanford University Medical Center, tells Yahoo Life. “Now patients are very open when asked. Women do it.”
While Millheiser acknowledges that “there are religions and cultures where it’s not acceptable because sexual activity is meant to be procreative” and that it’s still “more accepted that males do it even though women do it, too,” she says society has made “massive strides” in talking about masturbation. “We talk about vibrators so openly now,” she says. “Gwyneth Paltrow talks about it. We’ve normalized talking about vibrators and in [doing] that, normalized talking about masturbation, even if we don’t say it.”
Debra Herbenick, the director of the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University in Bloomington, agrees, telling Yahoo Life that, in recent years, “more of my women college students talk openly about it.” But some women still feel embarrassed, “especially if they were raised in more traditional or conservative homes,” she says. “And some women don’t learn much about their vulva and vagina until adulthood; sexuality in schools rarely addresses masturbation, sexual pleasure, sexual exploration or orgasm.”
So here’s what you need to know about female masturbation.
#1: Masturbating is healthy
While pleasure is the most obvious benefit of masturbation, experts say the practice comes with some health benefits as well, including stress relief and a better night’s sleep. That’s because having an orgasm from masturbation releases feel-good hormones called endorphins, which create feelings of relaxation and well-being.
A 2019 study found that having an orgasm through masturbation was associated with better quality sleep and an easier time falling asleep. “It [also] helps them fall asleep if they’re stressed or anxious,” says Millheiser.
The orgasms that come with masturbation also “improve blood flow to the vagina,” says Millheiser, “and that keeps it healthy.”
But that’s not all: Masturbating with a partner is also “a form of safer sex,” says Herbenick. According to Planned Parenthood: “In fact, it’s the safest way to have sexual pleasure there is — there’s no risk of pregnancy or STDs.”
As Alix Agar, associate marriage and family therapist at the SHAPE Center, tells Yahoo Life: “Masturbation to orgasm has all the benefits of genital intercourse to orgasm, without any of the downsides!”
#2: Women masturbate more often than you might think
“The single biggest misconception about female masturbation is that women don’t,” says Agar, “and of course, that’s simply not true. Women have always touched or rubbed their genitals for pleasure, just as men have. They just talk about it less.”
Herbenick agrees, saying: “Many people don’t realize how common masturbation is among women. However, about 3 in 4 women have ever masturbated.”
A 2017 study found that more than 40% of women had masturbated in the last month the research was conducted, with only about 22% of women reporting that they have never masturbated in their lifetime. The study also found that more than 50% of women had used a vibrator or dildo.
#3: It’s a good way for women (and men) to learn about their bodies
Another benefit to masturbation is that it helps with “getting to know your body” and “getting to know what works for you” in terms of stimulation and pleasure, notes Millheiser.
Agar calls masturbation “an effective tool for women to learn about their orgasmic capabilities — how quickly or slowly, how intensely and how long they can orgasm.” She says that it’s “a huge benefit to sex with a partner as well, because it teaches a woman what types of touch, rhythms, etc., will bring her to orgasm, and she can teach her partner how to do the same.”
She also points out that there’s a “dangerous misconception” that girls and women who masturbate will become “oversexed, or sexualized too young or want too much sex.” She says, “These are all outdated, misogynistic myths. They relate to ideas that women’s sexuality belongs to her husband or male partner and can only be developed or explored by him. In fact, the more any woman knows about her own body and her own capacity to achieve sexual pleasure, the more she will be able to achieve mutual sexual satisfaction with her partner. Masturbation can be an integral part of any couple’s sex life.”
#4: Masturbating “too much” is rare
It’s rare that someone masturbates “too much,” says Herbenick. “When that occurs, a person generally knows because their masturbation is getting in the way of work, school or their family or romantic/sexual relationships,” she says. “In other rare cases, someone may be masturbating so much or in such a difficult way that it hurts their body.”
Herbenick says that “people who are struggling with their approach to masturbation, or their feelings about masturbation, may be helped by connecting with a sex therapist or sex coach.” She suggests visiting AASECT.org or SSTARnet.org to find a therapist in one’s area.
#5: Married women — and older women — do it, too
Masturbating isn’t just for the young and single. Married women and men, as well as older adults, partake as well. “Masturbation is available to people across the lifespan, including people of advanced age,” says Herbenick. “Indeed, many older individuals find it easier to masturbate alone or together rather than have intercourse, given some of the logistics with intercourse positioning and/or issues such as vaginal dryness or erectile function.”
Herbenick adds: “Solo and partnered masturbation are just two parts on a very full menu of ways to explore and connect sexually.”
#6: It can improve your sex life
A 2020 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that when women use similar techniques and stimulation that feel good during masturbation and apply them during sex with their partners, they report a better orgasmic response and less difficulty achieving orgasm during partnered sex.
Masturbation can also be helpful to women entering menopause. “When a woman goes into menopause, she has decreased blood flow,” explains Millheiser. “So women will say, ‘I can’t achieve orgasm anymore’ or ‘It’s really weak in intensity.’ Or, ‘I can’t achieve it without using a vibrator.’ That’s related to a drop in estrogen and nerve conduction. You need more of that stimulation to achieve orgasm.” And that’s where masturbation comes in.
#7: For some, it’s the only way they orgasm
“Women will say, ‘I can’t achieve orgasms,’ and what they’re really saying is, ‘I can’t have an orgasm with penile-vaginal or toy-vaginal penetration,” explains Millheiser. “But you can ask them, ‘Can you have orgasms through genital or clitoral stimulation?’ ‘Oh yeah, I can do that.’ It’s more common to have clitoral stimulated orgasms than vaginal penetration orgasms.”
Millheiser says that it’s perfectly OK if the only way you’re able to achieve orgasm is through masturbation. “Don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t happen,” she says. “Enjoy the orgasms that you do have.”
The number of people who identify as queer in the UK Census has increased over the past few years. This trend is in particular driven by the rising number of LGBT+ identities among people aged 16 to 24 years. The most popular sexual identity within this emerging group is bisexual – the romantic and/or sexual attraction to more than one gender. Data from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) shows an increase from 0.7 per cent in 2015 to 1.1 per cent in 2019. Rather than a sudden new surge of bisexual desires, increased acceptance, legal protection and visibility are likely to be the cause of this increase.
But why should we count how many people are bi, or study what their experiences are? Research is young in this field, but we’re already seeing that tossing all queer identities into one research bucket renders the unique struggles of being bisexual invisible. For a start, it’s hard to even get an accurate sense of the exact number of British people who are bisexual. Many people who are attracted to people beyond one gender, shy away from the identity label ‘bisexual’. When it comes to research, this reluctance has led scientists to come up with alternative ways to capture and categorise sexuality.
One of the most common tools used is The Kinsey Scale. First published in 1948 by biologist Dr Alfred Kinsey, it is used to place people on a spectrum of sexual attraction between entirely heterosexual and entirely homosexual, using a scale from 0 to 6. It also includes ‘X’ for those who are asexual. It was so successful that it is still the single most popular scale for classifying sexuality. It’s often what people are indirectly referring to when they say, “Aren’t we all a bit bi?”
When YouGov surveys conducted in 2019 used questions that mimicked The Kinsey Scale, researchers found at least a third of people aged 18 to 24 say that they are attracted to multiple genders. A startling figure compared to the 1 per cent reporting to the ONS. Only with research can we cut through the reluctance people have to say “I am bisexual”, and find out whether those attracted to multiple genders need more support than those who aren’t.
Since social scientists and other researchers have started to analyse the B, we have begun to understand the struggles that uniquely endanger bi people. Research shows us that bi women are hypersexualised, and stereotypes that see bi women as promiscuous sexual playthings feed into people’s existing rape myths.
Accordingly, studies have found that bisexual women are significantly more likely to be raped, repeatedly sexually assaulted, and to be the victims of intimate partner abuse than lesbian and heterosexual women. Had this research homogenised all women into one group, we might never have known that the stereotypes affecting bi women specifically place them at far greater risk of sexual victimisation.
A different cluster of toxic assumptions awaits bi men. Bisexual men are seen as lying, to themselves and others, because they are thought to be gay. And, particularly in the 1980s and 1990s, bi men were also seen as murderers in disguise, catching AIDS when having sex with men and giving it their female partners. This left many bisexual men isolated and alone, failed by educational campaigns that rarely moved beyond gay spaces.
We need to acknowledge the unique needs of bi people, including a specific focus on bi men. If we don’t, we fail a huge amount of the population. Armed with bi-specific research, we stand a better chance of winning the fight back against the societal biases and misconceptions that hold bisexual people down.
As a young researcher, I didn’t know anyone else who was bisexual in my field, or, for that matter, in any field. It was rarely mentioned, not even in lectures specifically on sex and sexuality. When I graduated with my PhD in 2012, I had no idea how useful my background in criminal psychology would come to be when I turned my gaze to studying bisexuality. For my new book, Bi: The Hidden Culture, History And Science Of Bisexuality, I have found and spoken to researchers across the globe and in various disciplines who are all fighting for change.
I want the world to be a safer place for people like me. The best way that we can achieve that is to visibly support bi people. Let’s not allow the ‘B’ slip into the shadows of its colourful siblings.
Autism can affect how a person communicates, learns, behaves, and socially interacts with others.
It does not require a cure. Being autistic can simply mean a person’s brain works in a way that is different from what society expects.
Autism is known as a spectrum disorder as it can affect people in different ways. Some autistic people require higher levels of support than others. This can mean they require assistance with daily tasks or skills such as language and behavior.
Other autistic people may need low levels of support or no support at all.
Autism frequently causes a person to have difficultyTrusted Source with social interactions. This may provide some challenges when it comes to forming relationships.
Read on to learn more about autism and sex, including how autism affects the development of sexuality and how to help an autistic person understand their sexual feelings.
If an autistic person needs help to understand their sexual feelings, a friend or family member may be able to assist. It is important for an autistic person to know that there is nothing wrong with having sexual feelings.
A person can help an autistic loved one understand that sex is natural and should be enjoyable. However, sexual behaviors are private and should only involve consenting adults.
When discussing sexual feelings with an autistic person, the following tips may be beneficial:
Let them know they are safe to discuss how they are feeling and that they can ask any questions about sex and sexuality.
Communicate openly and honestly, and without judgment.
Discuss sex education with them.
Teach them how to communicate with a sexual partner about things they do and do not enjoy.
Speak with them about boundaries and how to discuss these with a sexual partner.
Let them know they deserve to be treated with respect by any prospective partner.
Autism does not prevent a person from developing sexually. A study from 2021 found that most autistic adolescents and young adults have an interest in sex and relationships.
The study also noted that, on average, autistic adolescents and young adults had less knowledge of sex and privacy. This meant they were more likely to engage in inappropriate sexual behaviors.
Researchers think this lack of sexual knowledge may be due to factors such as:
difficulties with social interaction
insufficient sexual education
ableism that assumes autistic people do not have sexual feelings
stigmatization
exclusion from social interaction
It is important to provide sufficient sex education for autistic adolescents. This can help them learn what is and is not socially acceptable.
Additionally, sex education can prepare autistic adolescents for changes in their bodies as they go through puberty.
Planned Parenthood suggests parents and caregivers should aim to teach their children about:
puberty, before their body begins developing
reproductive health and how to reduce the risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections
appropriate and inappropriate behaviors
Sometimes an autistic person may have difficulty with eye contact. In this case, it may be helpful to discuss these topics on a walk side-by-side or while preparing a meal together.
A parent or caregiver may also try having conversations using “what if” questions to develop solutions, such as “what if a period begins at school?”
They should also be aware of any crushes the child or adolescent has and talk about how to be respectful of boundaries.
The following organizations and resources may be helpful:
According to the Organization for Autism Research (OAR), some autistic people may find that intimate activities help them feel less stressed or anxious.
However, some aspects of autism may lead to challenges.
Sensory sensitivity
For some people, sensory sensitivity to the sounds and physical sensations of sex may cause a person to feel uncomfortable.
If a person is uncomfortable or does not want to do something, they should share this with their partner. No one should feel required to do anything they are not comfortable with.
Discussing their needs with a partner can make it easier to find solutions. For example, people can tie their hair up if the tickling causes discomfort, or they can wear lightweight clothes during sex if skin-to-skin contact feels uncomfortable.
Communication
When entering into a sexual relationship, communication is always important.
People may benefit from discussing their needs with their partner before engaging in sexual activity.
They may find the following tips beneficial:
Decide on a safe word or sound that indicates “stop.”
Decide on a “yes, no, or maybe” list before engaging in physical activity.
Keep a notepad near the bed to write notes they can point to if needed.
An autistic person may feel worried about disclosing their autism to a potential partner. They may fear that the person will think differently of them. An autistic person should only disclose their diagnosis if they are comfortable sharing it.
People may wish to end a sexual relationship if their partner:
ignores their communication needs
ignores their sensory needs
tries to make them feel bad
Sex can also be overwhelming. Autistic people may find it hard to communicate when they are overwhelmed. This can lead to feelings of anxiety or discomfort.
People can arrange to express gestures that indicate “yes” or “no” during sex. If people become overwhelmed during sex and cannot communicate verbally, they can tap their partner on the back to indicate that they want the activity to stop.
Picking up on verbal or nonverbal cues can be difficultTrusted Source for some autistic people.
An autistic person may benefit from letting potential partners know they need to be direct with them. This can also be helpful during sex, as an autistic person may not notice if their partner is signaling discomfort.
The best thing a person can do while in a sexual relationship is to communicate with the other person. Talking openly and honestly can make things more enjoyable.
Public vs. private
Knowing the difference between behavior that is acceptable in public and private settings is important. It can help to keep everyone safe.
The following table outlines some examples of behaviors and when they might be appropriate:
Healthy relationships
Relationships can be difficult to navigate, and there are many types. Depending on the relationship, a person’s behavior can be appropriate or inappropriate.
Romantic relationships involve people having an emotional and potentially sexual connection with each other that is consensual and reciprocal.
The OAR notes that healthy relationships include the following characteristics:
communication
trust
being emotionally respectful
being physically respectful
honesty
equality
being accepting of each other
Dating
Dating can be complex, and it is important to remember that:
Having a crush is natural, and it is possible to have a crush on more than one person.
It is fine not to have a crush on anyone.
Flirting can be fun, but respecting other people’s boundaries is important.
Being in a relationship can be challenging, and communicating is important.
Although it is difficult, ending relationships is sometimes necessary.
Online relationships and safety
The internet can be a good place to develop relationships, providing a person remains safe.
When they are online, people should remember the following rules:
A person does not have to share or post anything they do not want to.
A person should take precautions if they decide to follow an online meeting with a real-life meeting.
Assume that anyone can find the information a person posts online.
Never share any personal details, including financial information and full birth date, with anyone on the internet.
Never engage with any sexually explicit materials that include people under 18 years of age.
Sexual feelings are natural and not something a person should be ashamed of. It is also natural for a person not to have sexual feelings. People should never be made to feel shame for their sexuality.
Expressing sexuality can be healthy for an autistic person. Research from 2020Trusted Source found a link between sexual dissatisfaction and depressive symptoms and lower mental health. An autistic person may find that sexual behaviors help reduce anxiety or stress.
In a recent survey, more than one-quarter of women ages 50 to 80 said menopause symptoms were interfering with their sex lives — including one-third of those ages 50 to 64.
By Amy Norton
Many women remain sexually active into their 70s, but for others, menopause symptoms and chronic health issues get in the way.
Overall, 43% said they were sexually active, be that intercourse, foreplay and caressing, or masturbation. A similar proportion, however, were limited by health issues.
More than one-quarter of women said menopause symptoms were interfering with their sex lives — including one-third of those ages 50 to 64. Meanwhile, 17% said other health conditions were the problem.
It’s not clear what specific issues were the biggest obstacles. But experts said menopause can affect a woman’s sexual function in a number of ways.
Sometimes it’s relatively straightforward, said Dr. Daniel Morgan, a professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Michigan Medicine.
He pointed to a prime example: The hormonal changes of menopause can cause dryness and irritation of the vagina or the vulvar skin — which can make sex painful.
Fortunately, there are good treatments, Morgan said. For vaginal dryness, women can try over-the-counter lubricants, or get a prescription for vaginal products that contain low doses of estrogen. Steroid ointments can help soothe vulvar skin conditions, Morgan said.
In other cases, sexual dysfunction is more complex.
Declining estrogen levels can directly affect a woman’s libido, said Dr. Stephanie Faubion, medical director of the North American Menopause Society and director of the Mayo Clinic’s Center for Women’s Health.
As a result, women may find their desires are dialed down, and they feel less motivated to initiate sex — though, Faubion said, they may still respond to their partner’s romantic overtures.
At the same time, some women feel exhausted during this time of life, whether that’s related to menopausal night sweats keeping them awake, chronic health conditions, or having a hectic life. Women in their 50s may be caring for kids and aging parents, while balancing that with work.
“If a woman is exhausted, sex drops down the list,” Faubion said.
Mental well-being is also a big factor. Depression can interfere with sexual activity for some women, Faubion said. In the survey, of women who indicated their mental health was poor to fair, only 36% said they were “very satisfied” with their sex lives, versus 65% of women who reported good mental health — though it’s not clear whether the mental health issues caused problems with sexual activity.
When sexual desire and activities do change as a woman ages, that’s not necessarily distressing, both Faubion and Morgan emphasized. It’s only a problem if she is bothered by it, or it’s causing issues in her relationship.
And in cases where a couple is having difficulties they can’t work out, Faubion said, counseling might be the right option.
Menopause-related symptoms were highly prevalent among poll respondents, with half saying they’d suffered one to three in the past year. problems and weight gain were most common, followed by diminished libido, hot flashes/night sweats and mood swings.
Yet, of all women reporting menopause symptoms, only 44% had spoken with a healthcare provider about treatment options.
“Some women may not be aware there are treatments,” Faubion said. “Or they may think the symptoms will be temporary and are waiting them out.”
And, both she and Morgan said, healthcare providers may not be asking about menopause symptoms, or any issues with sexual activity.
But Faubion said it’s important for doctors of all specialties to have sexual health on their radar: Patients with conditions ranging from heart disease to hip replacements are going to have questions about sexual activity, she pointed out.
It is fine for women to let sexual activity go, if that’s what they want: In the poll, 52% of women who were not sexually active said they were satisfied with their sex lives. That was lower, however, than the figure among women who were sexually active, at 74%.
And women who are concerned about their sexual health, or menopause symptoms in general, should feel free to broach the topic with a healthcare provider, Morgan said. Your primary care doctor is a good place to start, he noted.
The poll was conducted online and by phone between January and March and has a margin of error between 2 and 4 percentage points.
More information
The North American Menopause Society has more on sexual health.
Sarah Brylinsky, a 34-year-old working in higher education in Ithaca, N.Y., is legally married to 36-year-old farm manager Brandon Brylinsky. Two years ago, on a camping trip a decade into their relationship, they met 35-year-old Matte Namer, the founder of a real estate firm.
The Brylinskys and Namer are polyamorous, which means they are open to romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. After meeting two years ago, they started going on dates together, and soon after, Namer moved in with the Brylinskys. Now, the three plan to have a child, and they want to make their relationship official so that they can be recognized by their community as a family.
But how do you make a relationship official when there are three people in it?
Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy — when people have more than one sexual or romantic partner at once with all partners’ permission. A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychologyfound that one in nine single American adults had engaged in polyamory.
In legal terms, polyamorous people are unable to marry all their of partners: It is illegal throughout the United States to marry more than one person at a time. Somerville, Mass., is thought to be the first U.S. city to legally recognize polyamorous domestic partnerships, which it started doing in 2020.
However, people like Namer and the Brylinskys are utilizing an option that symbolically, though not legally, binds all three of them: a commitment ceremony.
Commitment ceremonies are events that celebrate any number of people’s commitment to one another, and they can look many different ways, according to Connecticut-based marriage and family therapist Kristen C. Dew.
She’s seen some that “resemble the typical monogamous couples’ weddings,” she said, while others are parties or outdoor gatherings. She also said that “many opt for handfasting ceremonies,” or choose unique items as symbols of their love.
The ceremony that Namer and the Brylinskys are planning will be similar to a wedding. They’re discarding some traditions: They’ll have a cookie table instead of a cake, for example. But they will all make vows to one another. In addition, the Brylinskys will create a joint vow just for Namer, and vice versa, they said.
“We met Matte as a couple; there was a relationship that came before them, and it’s both important to establish that we made a family together and to acknowledge that we transitioned our existing relationship to make room for that,” Sarah said.
Ambyr D’Amato, a wedding planner based in New York, is helping to plan this ceremony. She said she has worked with several other polyamorous people on commitment ceremonies: In one of them, a couple that was already married waited at the end of the aisle, and the third person walked down the aisle to symbolically join them.
“It was important to [the third person], since they were not legally married to anybody, that they had a ceremony where they could involve their family and have things be more in the open,” D’Amato said. The event took place in Central Park, she added, replete with flowers, champagne, oysters and live music.
Another commitment ceremony D’Amato planned was between two people who were both legally married to other people, and each person’s partner was present to give their blessing. Afterward, they threw a dance party with their family and friends.
“I like that I can provide access to a heart-opening and connected time for people,” D’Amato said. “I also like that I can help them think outside of the box: You can do whatever you want. Nothing has to look a certain way.”
Many people are embracing the notion that their relationship doesn’t have to be celebrated with a traditional wedding, and opting for commitment ceremonies instead — even those whose relationships only involve two people.
Rachael, a 37-year-old writer, and Tom, a 36-year-old tech adviser — both based in Santa Barbara, Calif. — were legally married for financial and logistical reasons in 2015, but they publicly became each other’s spouses during a commitment ceremony on the lawn of the Santa Barbara courthouse six months earlier.
“We felt it was a better fit for us, being pretty nontraditional in many ways,” Rachael said. “We wanted to be very intentional about how we celebrated our commitment.”
Rachael and Tom, who spoke on the condition that only their first names be used, said they are non-monogamous and are open to committing themselves to an additional partner. Part of the reason they joined through a commitment ceremony is so that, if they do decide to hold another one with a third person, all three of them will be on the same footing, they said.
And as a genderqueer, pansexual person holding this ceremony in 2015 — before same-sex marriage was legal throughout the U.S. — Rachael wanted to stand in solidarity with queer people who couldn’t legally marry their partners, Rachael said.
To reflect the nontraditional nature of their relationship, Rachael wore blue, and instead of the gendered roles of bridesmaids and groomsmen, they designated a group they called “their people” to walk down the aisle one by one.
Jessica Fern, a Boulder-based psychotherapist who works with polyamorous people, touted the potential benefits of ceremonies like this.
“When someone experiences legal marginalization for their relationship structure or style, commitment ceremonies can go a long way to deepen a relationship, publicly acknowledge its significance, and even assuage some of the pain and injustice that being a minority can create,” she said.
Fern’s clients who have undergone commitment ceremonies have reported feeling more secure in their relationships as a result, she said: “They have more of a structure that they can rely on that’s bigger than just them. They can lean on each other in hard times, like, ‘I made this commitment.’ ”
But many non-monogamous people say they don’t feel safe holding an event as public as a commitment ceremony, because of existing stigma. And while those in polyamorous relationships can work with lawyers to secure certain legal protections (Namer and the Brylinskys are working with the Chosen Family Law Center to ensure they all have equal status as parents of their future child), a commitment ceremony does not confer the same rights as a legal wedding.
Some non-monogamous people hope that this will change in the future. “We have the right to be with our loved ones and share the resources that we would normally get to share in a monogamous context,” Fern said.
Still, Fern thinks anyone wanting to make an official commitment to a partner can learn from non-monogamous commitment ceremonies.
“There are so many traditions that we do in monogamous weddings, and we’re like, why do we do this?” she said. “Why do you throw the bouquet? … Why is the father giving the bride away? As people are questioning [these norms], they’re able to have even their own monogamous wedding that feels aligned with them and their values and their relationship.”
After reaching historic lows more than a decade ago, rates are on the rise again.
By Kim Tingley
Last month, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released its latest data on cases of sexually transmitted infections during the first year of the pandemic. In the early months of 2020, the number of people diagnosed with gonorrhea and syphilis declined, as you might expect — it was, after all, a time of extreme isolation for many. Subsequently, though, infection rates surged so much that by the end of the year, the case counts were 10 percent and 7 percent higher than in 2019. In total, there were some 134,000 reports of syphilis and 678,000 reports of gonorrhea. These were “stunning” increases, says Hilary Reno, an associate professor at the Washington University School of Medicine and medical director of the St. Louis County Sexual Health Clinic. “I can’t tell you how many primary-care physicians have called me recently and said, ‘I just saw my first-ever case of syphilis this year.’”
Indeed, syphilis was nearly eradicated in the United States around 2000; gonorrhea reached its lowest rates of infection in 2009. Many doctors who began practicing during that period haven’t had experience diagnosing these S.T.I.s, particularly in their female patients. According to Ina Park, a professor of family and community medicine at the University of California, San Francisco, “There’s an entire generation of physicians and clinicians who had never seen syphilis in women and babies before.”
This is a significant problem: S.T.I.s can irrevocably damage the reproductive system. At least 20,000 women are rendered infertile by untreated S.T.I.s in the United States each year. Syphilis can cause sores and rashes and, if untreated for decades, fatal damage to the brain, heart and other organs. Gonorrhea can be painful and may result in pelvic inflammatory disease in women. Each condition is caused by bacteria and can be cured with antibiotics (though drug-resistant strains of the bacterium that causes gonorrhea are on the rise). Unfortunately, they are often asymptomatic, especially in women, and for them it can be harder to see signs of infection and easier to mistake some of those signs as normal discharge or yeast infections.
The ease with which S.T.I.s spread undetected makes it crucial to screen for them regularly. Yet that is not happening. “The pandemic made S.T.I.s worse in America — for the first year, people all but stopped getting testing and treatment,” says David C. Harvey, executive director of the National Coalition of S.T.D. Directors, a trade association for state and local S.T.I. Health Department programs that collected its own data during the pandemic. (The C.D.C. data comes from a national surveillance system that includes mandatory lab reporting and sample surveys.) Moreover, contact tracers, assigned to notify sexual partners of exposure, were redeployed to focus on Covid.
Historically, the highest rates of syphilis have been among gay and bisexual men, then among heterosexual men. And while that is still true, cases among gay and bisexual men have risen more slowly in recent years and even declined slightly in 2020. Cases among heterosexual women, on the other hand, increased 30 percent from 2018 to 2019 and 21 percent from 2019 to 2020, jumps that experts attribute in part to the increasing prevalence of opioid and methamphetamine abuse, which makes risky sexual behavior — transactional sex, condomless sex — more likely among all genders.
This trend among women has fueled a corresponding surge in syphilis among newborns. In 2020, there was a nearly 15 percent increase in congenital syphilis — amounting to a 235 percent increase from 2016. Congenital syphilis can lead to severe lifelong health complications and stillbirth; of 2,148 infants who contracted syphilis in 2020, 149 did not survive. When women who are engaging in substance abuse become pregnant, they frequently avoid prenatal care for fear of being drug-tested and potentially losing custody of the child. That means many of them aren’t tested for syphilis and don’t receive the treatment that would prevent their baby from getting it. The C.D.C. recommends testing for the infection at the first prenatal visit and, for women who test positive or are at increased risk, early in the third trimester as well as at delivery. (Most states require doctors to perform the initial test, but only 19 also require screening in the third trimester.)
Perhaps the simplest explanation for the overall rise in S.T.I.s between the 2000s and now is that lawmakers reallocated funding to other problems deemed more dire. Many S.T.I. clinics that provided free or low-cost testing and treatment closed or scaled back hours. Other factors contributed to the problem. The growth of online dating expanded sexual networks. The ability to prevent H.I.V. infection with prophylactic medication reduced the inhibitions against having sex without a condom. And most states still do not provide comprehensive sex education. If they did, more people would know that it’s important to treat S.T.I.s and not wait, says Whitney Irie, a lecturer in population medicine at Harvard Medical School. As it is, a popular impression is that S.T.I.s are “essentially obsolete,” she says. “I don’t think there’s a clear understanding, especially among people with a uterus, of the long-term impact on your reproductive organs. There’s this casualness about it that lends itself to being casual about preventive measures.”
Reducing the burden of S.T.I.s will require outreach, particularly for marginalized groups, including women, people in the L.G.B.T.Q. community, Native Americans and Alaskan Natives and people of color, all of whom suffer disproportionately high rates largely because the health care system has neglected them. Black women, for example, have rates of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia that are as much as seven times that of white women, and they face additional hurdles to receiving sexual health care. Black women, Irie says, must also contend with the “perceived stigma and perceived shame from their community” that receiving sexual health care means you don’t share its values, such as female monogamy. That’s a stereotype applied to women across many demographics.
To reach those who have been disenfranchised, providers need to be trained to offer sexual health care to patients who have experienced historical trauma and sexual trauma, including assault and abuse. “If they’re met with a system that doesn’t use open terminology or doesn’t recognize their trauma, their experience can be horrible,” Reno says. “We can retraumatize them, and they don’t come back ever.”
Public-health initiatives have also succeeded by partnering with local institutions people trust. In St. Louis, which has some of the nation’s highest rates of S.T.I.s, many barbershops and beauty salons offer testing information and free condoms; elsewhere, projects in partnership with churches have been able to increase mammograms and H.I.V. testing among Black women. Half of all new S.T.I. infections are among 15-to-24-year-olds, but school-based health centers that offer comprehensive health services on campus have been shown to improve attendance and graduation rates and decrease urgent-care visits.
The pandemic has interrupted countless health services. But it also generated solutions. For example, in March 2020, a program called TakeMeHome began mailing out free H.I.V. self-test kits, with a focus on reaching gay and bisexual men. Half the recipients had not been tested within the previous year, and more than a third of them had never been tested at all; after using the kit, more than 10 percent reported accessing other sexual-health services. “You have to make it as easy for people as possible,” Park says.
If you’re sexually active, you will inevitably be exposed to pathogens, just as you are by shaking hands with or breathing the same air as others. “Your clothes are off,” Park says. “That’s the only difference.” S.T.I.s “are not a personal failing,” Reno says. “This is a systemic societal challenge.” Thus, talking openly about sexual health care stands to benefit everyone. Park recommends pressing your provider for testing; ideally, S.T.I. screening would be treated like a trip to the dentist. “Put it in your routine as something you do regularly.”
The world of consensual non-consent (or ‘CNC’ for short) is one that has often been interpreted as a sphere of dangerous, immoral sexual practice. But is there more behind the kink than meets the eye?
As the name might suggest, CNC is a kink that falls under the umbrella of BDSM, in which two or more consenting parties agree to engage in sexual activities that mimic rape. While it may sound shocking to those who aren’t familiar with it, the r/CNC_Connect subreddit, designed for people with an interest in CNC to meet up IRL, has over 50,000 active users.
Some examples of common CNC activities (or ‘scenes’) include:
A pre-planned ‘kidnapping’ of the submissive by the dominant.
The use of restraints or bondage equipment.
Impact, pain, or choking during sex.
In an interview with Vice, an anonymous CNC enjoyer described the appeal of the experience in more detail:
“The point of CNC is a way to have those real feelings in a way that is conscious, intentional, and risk aware. It’s sexual extreme sports”
Likewise, another confided:
“I want to be manhandled, and pinned down, but not choked within an inch of my life. I want to be forced and held in position, but not punched until I bleed. I want to be violated… consensually”
But is there a real danger to be found in encouraging these behaviours? According to psychologists, it’s minimal. As all of these activities are carried out in safe, consensual, and controlled environments, the reality is much further from real instances of assault or rape than it might appear on the surface.
Dr. Leon Seltzer states:
“In such idealized “pretend scenarios,” a woman can experience her rawest, most unconstrained sexuality as fully, wondrously, even miraculously expressed — in no way impeded by any viscerally felt sense of peril. Diametrically opposed to actual rape, the fantasy really isn’t about losing control as such. It’s about willingly surrendering it.”
That being said, research on the topic is far from conclusive. There have been some studies that suggest the consumption of BDSM material can be harmful to long-term mental and sexual wellbeing.
But that still leaves the question: in a world where women are constantly subject to unwanted sexual advances, what is it about CNC that has such a broad appeal? There are a number of potential reasons.
Some speculate that it is a result of the guilt many women are made to feel by a society that only normalizes male sexual attraction. In a similar vein, it could be the opportunity for women, who are expected to appear presentable and pleasing at all times (even during intercourse), to finally let go.
CNC has proven to be beneficial to those who have suffered trauma as a result of sexual assault or rape. The re-enactment of such moments with a newfound sense of control allows victims to reemerge from the scenario in a different state of mind.
Whether CNC is your cup of tea or not, it seems that it’s much less uncommon than you think.
Jemima Kirke, Sasha Lane, Alison Oliver, and Joe Alwyn in the TV adaptation of Conversations with Friends.
“Is it possible we could develop an alternative model of loving each other?” This is the question posed by the character Bobbi in Sally Rooney’s debut novel Conversations with Friends, and is a core tenet of the story. Spoken by a 21-year-old, are these words merely youthful idealism?
Conversations with Friends follows university students Bobbi and Frances, whose lives become entangled with those of a wealthy couple in their 30s, Melissa and Nick. Similar to Rooney’s Normal People, it’s set in Dublin but rather than an intense love story, Conversations with Friends depicts monogamy (and the prospect of marriage) as rather bleak. Melissa and Nick sleep in separate beds and have both had affairs. The affair Nick has with Frances, the core plot line, seems to reinvigorate their marriage and they return to monogamous life. The farce is that the success of their “monogamous” relationship hinges precisely on the relationships that exist outside of it.
Now, the novel has been adapted for television as a limited series on Amazon Prime, starring Alison Oliver, Sasha Lane, Jemima Kirke, and Joe Alwyn.
In an interview with The Telegraph London, Kirke spoke of the cognitive shift the role required her to make. “It’s remarkable that someone of that age [Rooney] has so much discipline and focus, but as I was finally reading the book, I was thinking, ‘This is marriage written from the perspective of a 22-year-old.’ I don’t think that’s good or bad. Her writing is beautiful but there were moments when I struggled to make something work.”
Kirke, 37, is no stranger to married life and its potential to fail after splitting with her husband of eight years in 2017. And while she’s not opposed to marriage, she does take a more carefree approach to it. “The perspective of marriage as something super-permanent and spiritual is really antiquated.”
Jennifer Pinkerton spoke to more than 100 Australians aged under 40 for her book Heartland: What is the future of modern love? She says that the decline in people getting married is not a phenomenon that’s just relegated to Millennials and Gen Z. “Globally, marriage has been a downward travelling trend for 50 years now. When we speak about fewer people getting married, it’s not just the younger generations.” (The only exception to this, she notes, is gay marriage).
Certainly, however, this downward trend has accelerated in the past decade. In 2020, 78,989 marriages were registered in Australia, a 30.6 per cent decrease from 2019, and the largest annual drop ever reported by the ABS since 1961. Obviously COVID-19 has played a role but there are other key trends too. Pinkerton suggests that a high divorce rate means young people, seeing their parents getting divorced, have grown disillusioned with marriage. Global instability is another big one. “Climate change and war mean that the future is less certain,” says Georgia Grace, a Sydney-based sex and relationship therapist. She adds that the sex positive movement means that acceptance for different relationship models is changing.
Nina Lee, 32, is part of this declining group. A Sydney-based hairdresser and owner of Extra Silky, she married her long-term partner Aedan Lee during lockdown last year. While the couple isn’t religious and didn’t face familial pressure, marrying was just something they both knew would happen. “It felt like a natural progression”, she says, adding that it was about “solidifying our love.”
Alice, 22 (who is using a pseudonym for privacy reasons) lives in Sydney, and has been in a monogamous relationship for three-and-a-half years. Both are bisexual, and her partner identifies as non-binary. “Love is a choice to be together”, she says. “I can’t imagine anything less romantic than having a legal document officiate my relationship.”
For Millennials, there can be certain dealbreakers in finding love. Harriet, 34, has never wanted children. “Even when I was a little girl, I never played house with dolls – if anything I would play ‘dog mummy and daddy’.” Harriet’s last serious relationship ended after seven years. In her early 20s, the question of kids wasn’t such a concern. Now, it can make dating a little more complicated. “I make sure to talk kids and politics on the first or second date.”
Are rigid constraints of marriage a thing of the past? “Younger generations are now more likely to crave fulfillment, connection and flexibility rather than permanence in relationships,” says Pinkerton.
Polyamory, then, is a natural result of this shift in values. Georgia Grace says that she is increasingly working with people interested in exploring this. While popular perception of polyamory is that it’s just about promiscuity, there’s no singular model for what it can look like. “I work with couples to create a relationship structure that works for them,” she says. “Non-violent communication, consent and having a network of supportive, sex positive friends and family are at its core.”
In Melbourne, Emil, 29, works supporting people living with HIV, and is also a sex worker. They document encounters with clients and lovers on Instagram, posting polaroids of men alongside captions about the intimacy of the meeting.
The overwhelming majority of clients are straight men. Their reasons for visiting are myriad – for many, it’s a means to be a version of themselves outside of monogamous, heterosexual love, for others it’s a way of indulging a fetish or sheer curiosity. One quote accompanies an Instagram story picturing a man’s chest: “I hope you understand how hard this is for me. I always have my religion at the back of my head.”
Climax and orgasm are both parts of sexual activity. While many people use the words interchangeably, some believe they have different definitions. By these definitions, an orgasm is the buildup of pleasure just before a climax, while a climax is the peak of the orgasm, when the sexual pleasure is the most intense.
Most scientific researchers consider orgasm and climax to be the same thing. However, some people consider them to have two different definitions.
This article will look into the possible differences between climax and orgasm and tips on achieving orgasm.
Some people consider climax to be the feeling of intense pleasure a person feels at the peak of an orgasm. Other individuals consider climax and orgasm to be the same thing.
During climax, a person’s pelvic floor muscles contract repeatedly. Some people can climax multiple times during sexual activity, while others may climax once or not at all.
It can be typical for a person not to climax. However, they can speak with a healthcare professional if they have concerns about this.
There are various ways someone can achieve climax, such as through:
vaginal sex
oral sex
anal sex
masturbation
stimulation of erogenous zones, such as the nipples
However, everyone is different, and things that cause one person to climax may not work for another.
Certain people believe that an orgasm is the buildup of pleasure that occurs before a climax. Others consider orgasm to refer to the entire experience of sexual buildup and climax.
It is possible for a person to extend the time that they experience orgasm. This is known as edging. Some people believe that edging can lead to a more intense climax.
They then reduce stimulation, meaning they do not reach climax.
The individual then brings themselves back to the edge of climax.
They may then allow themselves to climax or reduce stimulation again.
This cycle may repeat multiple times.
Going by their separate definitions, an individual can achieve orgasm without climax.
Research from 2016 notes that, during sex, over 90% of menTrusted Source achieve climax. Additionally, around 50% of women climax during sex.
A person may find that they experience orgasm during sexual activity, but they do not reach climax. This can be enough for some people but frustrating for others.
If a person has concerns about being unable to climax, they can consult a healthcare professional.
According to the advocacy group Planned Parenthood, when a person climaxes, they may feel a wave of pleasure that starts in their genitals and travels through their body. Some people may experience climax more intensely than others.
When someone climaxes, their heart rate and breathing levels increase.
During climax, people may experience vaginal spasms and contractions of the uterus. This can accompany vaginal secretions. And while female ejaculation can also occur, this is typical, and the fluid is not urine.
Typically, the penis ejaculates. However, it is possible to climax without ejaculating, which is known as dry ejaculation.
The ISSM notes that dry ejaculation is usually nothing to worry about. If a person has climaxed several times in one day, it is possible for them to run out of sperm. Dry ejaculation can also occur due to certain drugs or surgery.
If a person has concerns about dry ejaculation, they can discuss this with a healthcare professional.
Following climax, a person may feel sleepy, happy, or relaxed. An individual’s clitoris or glans, the head of the penis, may be sensitive right after climaxing. Flushing of the chest, neck, and face can also occur.
In the buildup to a climax, a person may experience feelings of increasing pleasure. This feeling may build gradually or occur suddenly.
When someone starts to orgasm, they may feel a buildup of tension. They may also feel their toes curl or their hands clench.
As a person orgasms, they may achieve climax or experience a dip in pleasure levels. If this occurs, they may require a change in stimulation. This can involve increasing speed, slowing down, or changing positions.
It is possible for a person to orgasm and climax together. They may feel an intense wave of pleasure following the buildup of an orgasm. This wave is the climax of the orgasm.
A climax is usually more intense and pleasurable than an orgasm. However, this can depend on certain factors, such as:
how aroused a person is
how long it has been since they last climaxed
how much lubrication there is
their connection to other people involved
the type of sexual position
the type of sexual activity
whether they continue stimulation until the completion of the climax
After climaxing, a person may find that their genitals are too sensitive to continue sexual activity. However, some people can continue after climaxing and possibly achieve multiple climaxes.
Information from the ISSM suggests that around 15% of women can have multiple climaxes.
The concept of open marriage has long existed in society’s periphery. Couples consensually creating mutual arrangements that work for their needs is a good thing, but historically, the subject has been too taboo to be talked about openly. Thankfully, recent years have seen a shift in society’s attitude towards alternative relationship styles. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s willingness to be candid about their open marriage—whether it’s on Jada’s web series Red Table Talk or in magazine profiles—and other celebs who’ve been outspoken about their flexible marriage agreements (like Mo’Nique and husband Sidney Hicks and Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers) have given way to a greater cultural understanding of open relationships or marriages. But still, misconceptions persist.
Sex educator, author, and therapist Lucie Fielding says open marriages get falsely characterized in all sorts of ways. For one, some people cast them off as desperate attempts to hold together relationships that are failing anyway. But Fielding says that’s far from what open marriage is about.
“There’s sometimes this misconception that you’re trying to fix something in your partner or in your relationship,” she tells Cosmopolitan. “It’s not about that. It’s about being honest, it’s about [creating] an agreement, it’s about growing with one another.”
She says some people fear open relationships because they fear jealousy. But Fielding says she believes the presence of jealousy is not actually a bad thing. “The presence of unprocessed jealousy is the problem,” she says. And opening up your marriage can help you work through some of those feelings together.
“When we think of open marriage, a lot of people assume it’s a free-for-all,” she says. But the truth is that open marriages often have tons of structure—it’s just structure that the spouses have created together, tailored to their specific needs, rather than a blind acceptance of the normative structure that defines monogamous marriages.
“More often than not, the [open] couple has boundaries around what takes place, when it takes place, and who they can engage sexually,” Hall explains.
There are plenty of reasons to open up a marriage, like exploring different desires, kinks, or sexualities. Maybe an open marriage is a way to make up for the discordance between aromantic and alloromantic spouses. But if you’ve only ever known monogamous relationships, it’s hard to know if an open marriage could be right for you. Read on for everything you’ve ever wanted to know about open marriages and why you might want to try one for yourself.
What is an open marriage, and what is it not?
Hall says an open marriage starts with “two individuals who’ve come together legally and spiritually” but who permit one another to engage in sexual or romantic relationships with other people.
“That’s just the baseline of what we think an open marriage is,” she says. “But there are specific boundaries that are put in place for each couple. The beauty of an open marriage is that it’s really up to the couple about what they consider an open marriage.”
She explains that open relationships of any kind—and open marriages especially—are a mix of rigorous boundary-making and total imaginative freedom. The limitlessness of an open marriage is grounded in a lot of hard work shared equally by the couple, and all parties should be aware of the expectations.
So what is an open marriage not? Static or binding. “What openness implies is there’s a possibility of closure,” Fielding says, meaning that, above all else, open marriages should be responsive to the needs of you and your spouse. If the two of you decide that, meh, this whole open marriage thing isn’t for you, you can close it right back up and carry on with your monogamous lifestyle.
The same way having kids is probably not going to repair a broken relationship, opening up your marriage is not a band-aid for other relationship problems. “Open marriage is never something to use to fix a relationship,” Fielding warns. “That will only exacerbate the issue.”
What are the different forms an open marriage can take?
To appreciate the many forms an open marriage could take, Fielding refers clients to the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord. It’s basically a big flow chart full of relationship characteristics, wants, and needs—everything from ways you like to be touched to ways you relate hierarchically or financially. You and your partner(s) get to mark up the chart with your yeses and your nos and your maybe-in-the-futures, filling up your metaphorical plate with all the goods that you mutually agree would make your relationship the most delicious.
Some open marriage agreements have names that we all recognize. Swingers, for example, are couples who choose to engage with other couples together. They might go to a swingers’ club or party where they’ll hook up with other couples and engage in some partner-swapping. In that instance, Hall says, their rules might stipulate that they only engage with other couples when they’re together, and not individually. “That’s still an open marriage,” she says.
Some couples prefer to open their marriages in different ways, allowing each spouse to “have a girlfriend, boyfriend, or sexual partner on the outside” that their spouse isn’t involved with at all, Hall says.
Some outside partner(s) may actually live with the married couple. “It may be what we think of as polygamy, but it’s not always,” she explains. “You could have a married couple that has a live-in girlfriend, boyfriend, or romantic partner. It really is how the couple is defining it.”
What’s the difference between open marriages, polyamory, polygamy, ethical non-monogamy, and just plain cheating?
Sometimes these terms are used interchangeably, but they describe different things. Polyamory, for example, typically involves more intimate, loving relationships between multiple people, whereas an open marriage could involve any kind of extraneous relationship on the attachment spectrum, from a deep emotional connection to a one-night stand. Where they overlap, though, is that both polyamory and open marriages are expressions of ethical non-monogamy. This, Hall says, means you have to inform your partner of your desire to open up your marriage, and they have to consent to it.
An open marriage without that mutual understanding would constitute cheating, unless you and your partner specified otherwise. “In an ethically non-monogamous open marriage, you have an agreement, you create boundaries,” she says, as opposed to “cheating” or “being manipulative.”
“If a person feels they have to do it in order to keep their partner—like, I have to engage in this threesome or I have to allow my partner to go out and sleep with people because that’s the only way they’ll stay with me—then you’re being coerced,” Hall adds. “That’s not consent.”
As for polygamy, while an open marriage may involve multiple loving, connected relationships, it does not always involve multiple marriages, which is what polygamy is. Fielding says there’s sometimes slippage in people’s understandings of polygamy and open marriages, but they’re typically two distinct relationship styles.
What if I’m interested in an open marriage but I don’t know where to start?
Fielding recommends that you educate yourself about open relationships and nontraditional relationship structures before you bring this desire to your partner. “Dig into the various structures that are possible and think of what feels best for you and your partner—the couple at the heart of this agreement,” she says. Browse through Liz Powell’s book Building Open Relationships, and Jessica Fern’s Polysecure. Scan online forums and groups like Ready for Polyamory. And once you feel ready to take your findings to your partner, be prepared to be flexible.
“The structure is developed in concert with each partner and what they need,” Fielding says.
If you need help navigating the transition with your partner—which, like, you’re trying something brand-new here! It’s totally chill to want some expert guidance—Fielding recommends seeking relationship therapy or coaching with a professional who specializes in non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships.
What if my partner and I don’t agree on opening up our marriage?
Sometimes, one spouse wants to open the marriage while the other doesn’t. Hall says this requires some compromise, which isn’t always even. “A lot of time, that compromise ends up coming from the person who wants to open things up,” she says. “That can cause problems and lead to resentment that spills into other aspects of the relationship.”
That being said, Fielding explains there’s a fine line between expressing your own relationship needs and pressuring a partner into opening a relationship. If one of you is resistant to opening the relationship, the goal shouldn’t be to convince the other partner, she says. “It’s not about setting an ultimatum because that’s exerting power and control over the relationship.”
She adds: “If you’re feeling coerced, there’s no agency or forum to process feelings, fears, anxieties, or jealousy. And that’s something to really look at.”
Not everyone is going to be open to the idea of an open marriage. But Hall notes that “there are plenty of partners who’ve successfully navigated the process of opening up their marriage.”
Some open up a marriage and quickly decide it’s not for them. That’s okay too. You can close it back up or adapt in whatever ways you and your spouse see fit.
“An agreement is a deep conversation between partners that is renegotiable over time, as things happen over a relationship,” Fielding says. “Our relationships are constantly going through transitions just as our bodies are. It’s an opportunity to grow.”
How can I know if an open marriage would work for me?
Because monogamy is the default dynamic for most couples, it’s normal to be curious about open relationships but unsure of how it might work for you.
It’s totally possible for marriages that started off as traditionally monogamous to transition into something open. If, as you grow as a couple, you see that your sexual or romantic needs aren’t being completely met by your spouse alone, then it might be time for a conversation about opening up your marriage.
“It’s never healthy to make your partner responsible for all of your sexual or romantic needs, wants, and overall happiness,” Hall says. “There are some things that your partner is not gonna be able to do for you all of the time, and you shouldn’t expect that.”
But in order to make your open marriage work, both spouses have to be willing to put in the necessary effort. “It’s a constant conversation. It’s not a ‘set it and forget it,’” Hall says. “Our relationships evolve, especially relationships we’ve been in for a long time.”
Opening up a marriage invites a lot of exciting possibilities but also a lot of emotional considerations. After all, an open marriage means you’re adding onto your existing dynamic. “When you’re inviting other people into your marriage, you’re also inviting other emotions and other personalities,” Hall says. “The people who we go and sleep with, they’re not our sex toys. They’re not just people that we use and dispose of. They have their own feelings, they have their own personalities that we have to manage as well.” How you handle and maintain those other relationships is also a conversation you should have with yourself, your partner, and everyone involved.
While, yes, there are a lot of moving parts, ultimately an open marriage is an opportunity to be honest with yourself and your partner about how best to meet both of your needs while still remaining committed to one another and the relationship you’ve built together. And that, in and of itself, can bring you closer.
“It’s important to remember that even within a monogamous or closed context there’s still a set of relationship agreements,” Fielding says. Open relationships just force you to outline them explicitly and intentionally—something every relationship could benefit from more of, no matter how you slice it.
In a newly revised book, an anthropologist dismantles harmful untruths about society, including notions about the nature of differences between men and women.
A few decades ago, author and family therapist John Gray published the first edition of his book Men Are From Mars, Women Are from Venus, which argues that to make male-female romantic relationships work, one needs to realize the natural differences in communication, emotion, and behavioral styles between males and females. More than 25 years later, this ideology of difference still reflects a common way people think about men and women.
The belief that men are by nature aggressive and belligerent but protectors—like the Roman god of war, Mars—and women are emotive, beautiful, vain, and fertile—like the goddess of love, Venus—is common. Such a belief is often rooted in stories about human evolution and offered as an explanation of why men and women have different jobs, different capacities, and different participation in politics and industry.
This is a dangerous myth.
What we actually know about men and women, and the nature of sex in humans, challenges popular views of these differences and denies any simplistic take on this topic. To bust the myths about sex and gender, we have to test core assumptions and refute them.
It is a common assumption that parts of the male and female brain have evolved to focus on different things: that men seek sex, competition, and status, and women seek protection and security, to be social and caretaking. There is near total agreement in this view; men and women want different things out of life and sex. This is a basis for misogyny, incels, and hate.
Because of the assumptions about how males and females differ in behavior, there has been an intensive search for measurable biological differences in men’s and women’s brains. The results, as neuroscientist Lise Eliot points out, are negligible:
“What I found after an exhaustive search was surprisingly little solid evidence of sex differences in children’s brains. Sure, there are studies that do find differences, but when I looked closely at all the data—not just the research that confirms what we already know about boys’ and girls’ behavior but a truly balanced collection of findings—I had to admit that only two facts have been reliably proven: boys’ brains are larger than girls, and girls’ brains finish growing earlier than boys. Overall male/female brain differences appear trivial and population-specific. The human brain is not ‘sexually dimorphic.’”
For example, for over 100 years the corpus callosum was supposed to be the Holy Grail of brain differences between males and females. The corpus callosum’s nerve fibers reach out like tendrils into the parts of the brain, acting as the mediator of signals between the left and right hemispheres.
University of California Press
In the 1990s, a number of publications purported to show size differences between men and women in the corpus callosum. Their assumption was that a larger splenium (the rear part of the corpus callosum, where it is at its thickest) would indicate a more robust set of connections and maybe reflect better kinds of social or empathetic skills. The argument was that women have a larger splenium than men, and thus better integrative, or holistic, thinking skills.
In 1997, psychologists Katherine Bishop and Douglas Wahlsten examined studies on the corpus callosum and came to the following conclusion: “A meta-analysis of 49 studies published since 1980 reveals no significant sex difference in the size or shape of the splenium of the corpus callosum, whether or not an appropriate adjustment is made for brain size.”
In addition, over the past few centuries there have been many studies of the brains of cadavers, and since the 1980s, researchers have been able to use various imaging technologies to examine the brains of living individuals. The end result is that aside from size (on average), there does not seem to be any clear pattern or consistent indication of structural differences that can be tied to biological male-female distinctions.
The bottom line is, as Eliot and colleagues note, the structures of the brain are no more “male” or “female” than are the liver or kidneys or heart. However, there are some patterns of differences in some ways in which brains respond to stimuli, especially in adults. This is because, as neuroscientist Gina Rippon notes, “a gendered world will produce a gendered brain.”
WHAT ARE SEX AND GENDER?
Recent work in biology and genetics clearly demonstrates that biological sex is not best envisioned as a binary (XX versus XY) but rather as a broad spectrum of developmental patterns and processes. To varying extents, many of us are biological hybrids on a male-female continuum.
Most of the variation is minor, and individuals more or less conform to a general division based on which genitals one has (which is not a definition of biological sex), but with a range of variation in things like hormone levels and function, physical developmental patterns, hair growth, and other physiological processes. This is a normal part of the biological processes of being human and reflects a flexible system of reproductive development.
Gender is a culturally influenced perception of the roles the range of sexes are expected to play. In many societies, gender is best conceived of as a continuum, not a dichotomy. “Gender” and “sex” are related, entangled even, but not the same thing.
Most recently the term gender/sex is used by researchers because the term recognizes that the biological and the sociocultural are typically inseparable. Humans are naturenurtural—a true synthesis and fusion of nature and nurture. It is best to think of gender/sex as a dynamic system of interaction rather than one physical part (biological sex) and one cultural part (gender); in humans, you can’t have one without the other.
BUSTING MYTHS ABOUT MALE AND FEMALE BEHAVIORS
Researchers know that men, on average, are taller and heavier. But are men and women really different when it comes to IQ or mathematical and scientific ability? Can evolutionary differences explain male-female differences in skill and behavior?
In groundbreaking work, psychologist Janet Shibley Hyde analyzed psychological studies to find out how much men and women actually differ in their abilities. In her 2005 study, she conducted an overview of psychological and standardized assessments of cognitive variables (math, verbal, spatial), communication (verbal and nonverbal), social and personality variables (aggression, negotiation, helping, sexuality, leadership, introversion/extroversion), psychological well-being, motor behaviors (throwing, balance, flexibility, et cetera), and a few others (moral reasoning, cheating behavior, et cetera.).
According to meta-analyses, one of the few large differences between men and women is in their grip strength.
Shibley Hyde examined 46 meta-analyses of male-female differences (published between 1980 and 2004), consisting of nearly 5,000 reports. In comparing the reports, Shibley Hyde used the d measure, which reflects how far apart the male and female averages are in standardized units. She found that in 78 percent of the meta-analyses, the d measures are close to zero or small.
Where are the large gender differences? Males scored noticeably higher in grip strength, sprinting, throwing velocity and throwing distance, masturbation, views on casual sex, physical aggression, and mental rotation of objects. Females scored higher on indirect aggression, agreeableness, and smiling.
Recently, psychologist Ethan Zell and colleagues retested and expanded on Shibley Hyde’s key assessments. They analyzed data from more than 20,000 studies involving over 12 million participants, and they concluded that “across most topic areas in psychological science, the difference between males and females is small or very small.”
WHERE DO GENDER DIFFERENCES COME FROM?
While we see infants through gendered eyes, infants do not have full-blown gendered behavior and perceptions at birth; instead, they have to acquire gender as they develop. In all societies, this process begins very young. By about 1 1/2 years of age, the gender schemata begin to develop, with gendered play patterns emerging by about 2 years of age.
The details of these patterns differ by culture, but one consistency is related to size and strength. Males start to play in a more rough-and-tumble manner than females at about this age (on average; there is a lot of overlap). By ages 3 to 4, children begin to display consistent culturally structured gendered behavior, and at 6 to 7 years, children form relatively fixed gender stereotypes and behave more or less in accord with them.
Each child develops their gender in the context of a given society, so the specifics of masculinity or femininity (or other gender characteristics not in a binary context) vary for children depending on societal norms.
Psychologists Wendy Wood and Alice H. Eagly looked at anthropological records of hundreds of societies and examined the gender roles, divisions of labor, and patterns of gender/sex differences over time. They found that there is variation in the roles males and females play across societies, with high degrees of overlap in many areas. There are greater differences in aspects of those societies that deal very directly with size and strength or giving birth and taking care of young children. Other patterns then become associated with, or emerge from, these differences.
Wood and Eagly suggest that many of the current social divisions of labor typically associated with gender emerge from both the biological facets of being human and human evolutionary histories, combined with our histories of resource use and distribution. However, these assertions are not fully supported by the fossil and archaeological record. Data from many studies show few major differences between males and females in sexual activity.
Recent work makes it clear that at least some percentage of those individuals we would classify biologically as females did engage in the kinds of physically demanding hunting often thought to be “men’s” domain. Archaeological evidence demonstrates that the bodies and capacities of those we classify as female show physical characteristics in some areas (such as upper arm strength in some early agricultural populations) that map to elite athletes of today, suggesting substantial physical exertion and likely different sets of gendered expectations around them.
It is highly likely that gender roles and divisions of labor have undergone substantial changes over the last few centuries as societies have transformed both structurally (through industrialization and technology) and socially (with shifts in politics, economy, and education).
In the areas of gendered aggression differences, it seems clear that males’ size and strength are important factors in their increased likelihood of exhibiting physical aggression. However, the details are quite complicated. Women also use physical aggression, at even higher rates than men, at least within heterosexual couples. However, males typically have potential to do greater harm. Might this be a reflection of our evolutionary past?
Yes and no. Male size and muscle mass are part of our evolutionary heritage, but this pattern did not evolve so that males could beat up or intimidate females. However, this difference can have an effect in our societies and our gender systems. In social structures where males have political and economic power, they can exploit this physical difference to help maintain these patterns of control. In this case, males’ use of physical aggression toward females is a cultural co-option of a biological potential and not a specific evolutionary adaptation in our species.
BUSTING MYTHS ABOUT SEXUAL ACTIVITY
The myth of male and female differences in sexual behavior is a dominant one. But the data from many studies show few major differences between males and females in sexual activity. However, one might argue that the real differences between males and females are not in sexual activity but in the expression of interest in the pattern of sexual behavior as it relates to mating.
This concept is called sociosexual orientation. It is measured via the sociosexual orientation inventory (SOI), a self-reported measure of individual differences in human mating strategies. These scores range from low (preferring monogamy) to high (preferring promiscuous mating). The assumption is that men should rate higher or more unrestricted on sociosexuality than women because of their evolutionarily based tendency to want to reproduce as much as possible and females’ tendency to look for the best mates rather than mate with many males.
When one looks closely at data about how many partners men and women want to have during their lifetimes, the numbers are remarkably similar.
In general, the major datasets reporting on this variable show that men across the globe tend to score higher than women on the SOI. In studies of the United States, men do tend to report higher interest in sexual activity and sexual fantasies, higher numbers of preferred or actual sexual partners, and desire for short-term versus long-term mating opportunities (on average).
But are those differences as great as many make them out to be? Psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt argued that there is a radical difference in male and female mating strategies based on self-reported ideal partner number over time. Males reported wanting an average of about 10 partners over their lifetimes, and females reported wanting about four.
However, if we look closely at the data and ask what the median was (the absolute true middle of the distribution of responses), the answer is around one for both males and females! No real difference. In fact, the large average differences seem to be brought about mostly by more males reporting much higher numbers (100 partners or more) than females; these outliers increased the average. Also, much of this data comes from college students across the globe—not really a great representative sample of humanity.
MOVING BEYOND MYTHS ABOUT GENDER/SEX
Men and women do not naturally want different things from life; we are all humans. However, some biological patterns combine with specific cultural and experiential contexts to create different desires, expectations, and patterns of behavior. We must realize that each individual may or may not match the ideas society has for gender/sex but that such variation is normal for humanity.
Understanding how humans are similar and different and the range of human variation gives us a broader notion of what is natural. There is no evolved battle of the sexes in humans. Nor are gender differences and similarities unimportant. But understanding how humans do and do not vary can help people move forward toward better societies.
There are so many potential reasons why sexual desire in a relationship may wane over time. You might fall into a sexual routine that fails to inspire much excitement, or you become parents and have little time or energy for anything outside of keeping the house running. Or maybe you just stop prioritizing sex altogether because other areas of life are taking precedence.
But recent research suggests there’s one factor that people don’t often consider—and this one can have significant implications for the relationship’s future.
Your perception of your partner may be changing in a bad way.
The link between sexual desire and partner perception.
In a recent study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, researchers had a hunch that sexual desire plays a specific, unique role in the maintenance of relationships. Sexual desire, they hypothesized, “serves as a gut-level indicator of partner mate value that motivates investment in valued partners.”
That is, sexual desire is an instinctive barometer of how valuable you perceive your partner to be, which includes the extent to which they possess the qualities of a good partner, how invested you both are in the relationship, and how easily you think they could find a new partner if you weren’t in the picture.
Moreover, past studies have shown that people who have sexual desire for their romantic partner are also more likely to engage in behaviors that will help maintain and strengthen the relationship overall.
“Sexual desire for current partners thus apparently tends to spill over outside the bedroom, enhancing the willingness to employ strategies that allow individuals to get closer to their partners and improve their relationships,” the researchers write in the paper.
The researchers wanted to see if all these dots were in fact connected, with sexual desire being an indicator of seeing your partner as valuable and—because of that—a motivator to nurture the relationship. A decline in desire, in turn, would align with lower partner perception and declining investment.
Testing the role of sexual desire in relationships.
To test their theory, the team, led by Gurit Birnbaum, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at Reichman University in Israel, conducted a series of experiments with a total of nearly 800 people in relationships (mostly college students, except for one experiment that included people up to age 60).
In one experiment, the researchers asked a batch of these romantically involved individuals to recall—in vivid detail—either an event in which they highly valued their partner or an event that made them value their partner less. Then, the participants were asked to rate their level of sexual desire for their partner and then to indicate how many spa treatments they wanted to transfer to their partner (out of five) in case of winning a lottery at the end of the experiment.
Partners who remembered a moment of highly valuing their partner experienced increased sexual desire for them, and those who had more sexual desire for their partner tended to gift them with more spa treatments.
In other experiments, the researchers actually tracked couples throughout their daily lives to see if these trends held true in real life. Over the course of six weeks (in one experiment) and then six months (in another), researchers asked both members of each couple to complete a daily or weekly diary recording their feelings about their partner and the relationship. They tracked their perceptions of their partner’s value as a partner (for example, rating their agreement with statements like “If my partner were single, he would have been romantically pursued by other individuals”), their desire to have sex with them (“I was very interested in having sex with my partner today”), and how positively they treated each other (“My partner behaved thoughtfully toward me today,” “I often put aside my own interests for the sake of my relationship with my partner,” and so on).
Consistently, the findings showed that, at times when a person perceived their partner as being more valuable, they also experienced more sexual desire for them. That increased desire, in turn, predicted a higher likelihood of doing things to nurture the relationship—including non-sexual things like being thoughtful toward the partner and making sacrifices for them.
What this means for relationships where desire is declining.
Past research has linked sexual satisfaction with relationship satisfaction; that is, when a couple is happy with their sex life, they tend to be happy with their relationship overall too.
This study by Birnbaum and her colleagues suggests that there’s a specific reason for this: Wanting to have sex with your S.O. is a manifestation of how positively you view them as a partner, and it’s a motivator to be more engaged in ensuring the relationship’s health.
“Reduced sexual desire, in contrast, may deny the relationship these benefits,” Birnbaum and her colleagues note. “Experiencing low sexual desire for one’s partner may stem from perceiving this partner to be less valuable as a mate, and second, may be translated into less investment in the relationship, which eventually might hurt the relationship and foretell its demise.”
Meaning: If you’re noticing you’re less sexually interested in your partner than you have been in the past, it may in part be because you’re valuing them less as a romantic partner in general. Your perception of them may be becoming more negative.
Viewing your partner through a negative lens has obvious destructive consequences in terms of how happy you are in your relationship and how you treat your partner accordingly.
Birnbaum and her team’s research shows that sexual desire is a mediating factor between valuing your partner less and disengaging from the relationship. In other words, it’s a bit of a canary in the coal mine situation: when desire for your partner declines, it may be a sign that overall investment in your partner is declining too.
What to do if you’re in this situation.
First of all, it’s important to again remember that sexual desire in a relationship can decrease for all sorts of reasons. You might have less interest in sex with your partner because of other issues in your relationship, stress, increased responsibilities in other parts of your life, or any other number of reasons.
“Perceived partner mate value is only one of the factors that may affect desire,” Birnbaum tells mbg. “Many psychological processes influence relationship quality and stability (e.g., interdependence, commitment, trust) and may contribute to decreases and increases in the level of sexual desire.” It’s also OK to not want sex from time to time, or at all.
That said, per this study’s findings, Birnbaum notes that declines in sexual desire in a long-term relationship may be driven, at least in part, by negative changes in perception of your partner’s mate value. “Such decreases are likely to be a prime factor in the well-documented decreases in relationship satisfaction that occur over time in marriage and other marital-like relationships,” she explains.
That means, if you notice you’re feeling less sexually interested in your partner than you have been in the past, it’s important to check in with yourself and your relationship to understand why that might be. Are your opinions about your partner overall changing? Is a negative bias beginning to cloud your view of them?
Maybe that doesn’t feel accurate to your situation. Or maybe it is.
The good news is, there are ways to build up positive regard for your partner again, if that’s what you want to do. “Make sure that you are paying attention to where your thoughts go,” licensed couples therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, recently told mbg. “While it is important to maintain a realistic understanding of our relationship—which does include having complaints and negative thoughts—we also need to make sure we are making room for the good things, noticing what we appreciate, love, and where our partner is doing things ‘right.’”
And as Birnbaum’s team write in their paper, working specifically on increasing sexual desire in your relationship again can also have a positive overall effect on the relationship by encouraging more investment and positive engagement with one another.
During the first year-ish of the pandemic, I counted down the minutes until I could crash into bed. But every night, as depleted as I felt, I stayed awake to indulge in a guilty pleasure best enjoyed alone: an hour of TV and my phone. So recently, when my husband’s New Year’s resolution coaxed him into bed at the same time I turned in, I was grumpy.
I assumed he would have opinions about what to watch during my sacred solo time. And what if he wanted to make out when I felt like passing out? Admittedly, I felt selfish about wanting to just lie there, streaming PEN15 and scrolling Twitter.
Conventional wisdom tells us technology is bad. Too much screen time disrupts our sleep and disturbs our focus. Casual social media use can turn into less-healthy doomscrolling. And research points to potential negative effects of technology on relationships. Take for instance, the phenomenon of “technoference,” or interruptions in couple interactions caused by technology use. Maybe it’s one person talking to another while they’re typing an email, or your partner venting about their day while you mindlessly scroll Instagram. Not surprisingly, a 2019 study of 173 couples in Computers in Behavior found that this type of behavior can have a significant negative impact on mood and how we feel about our relationships.
I can relate. When stay-at-home social distancing orders had us spending all day, every day together, my husband’s phones—yes, there are two—were always around: chirping ESPN notifications at dinner, lighting up in his pocket, demanding an email response, even if we were in the middle of a conversation or trying to get out the door for a neighborhood stroll. I started to think of his phones as unwanted third (and fourth) partners in our marriage. But did I tell him that’s how I felt? If you count my animated eye rolls and barely audible, “Here we go again,” when he reached for his phone, then yes.
But contrary to the technical interference in my relationship, some researchers think technology has been undeservedly criticized when it comes to intimate connection. And, with a little self-awareness, our devices have the potential to bring us closer to our partners. That’s why we consulted a couple of experts who specialize in the effects of technology on relationships. Read on for their practical tips on how to prevent tech from destroying intimacy—without giving up your devices, naturally.
1. Try to establish healthy tech boundaries.
“Technology was a connector, refuge, and even lifeline for most of us during the pandemic,” Michelle Drouin, PhD, psychology professor at Purdue University, writes in her recently released book Out of Touch: How to Survive an Intimacy Famine. But pandemic or not, there’s a pitfall to our ubiquitous connection: the technoference we mentioned earlier. These technological interruptions in our face-to-face interactions—like when one partner’s phone is at the dinner table and the other really wishes it wasn’t—can have a lasting impact. “Even if it’s only a momentary experience, it can feel like rejection,” Dr. Drouin tells SELF. “It sends a signal to your partner that you’re choosing your phone over them.”
The best thing to do if technoference is a hot button issue in your relationship? You guessed it: Talk to your partner. But Dr. Drouin emphasizes that we should avoid threats and accusations. Instead, try to use “I” statements. For example, “I feel sad when I’m lying next to you but I’m not the focus of your attention,” rather than, “You’re always on your phone and it’s ruining our relationship.” Obviously, the latter is more likely to cause the phubber (the phone snubber) to feel attacked and less open to adjusting their tech habits. Conversely, approaching the subject in a nonthreatening way can help you and your partner set tech boundaries that work for both of you. Think putting phones away at dinner or bedtime, or setting time limits for social media scrolling.
And it’s worth noting that phones don’t interfere in every relationship. “There are some couples who are perfectly fine that they’re both on the couch scrolling on technology while watching a show,” says Dr. Drouin. In other words, if screens aren’t preventing anyone from getting their needs met, then keep calm and scroll on.
2. Learn to read between the (text message) lines.
For the past couple of months, my husband and I have been going to bed and waking up together. Still, once the day starts, our communication is almost exclusively electronic: a texted grocery list, a reminder about which kid needs to be picked up, a scheduling confirmation for the coming weekend.
Mimi Winsberg, MD, a Stanford-trained psychiatrist and the chief medical officer at Brightside Health, calls texting “the lingua franca of love”—meaning that texting has become our primary form of communication, not just with friends and colleagues, but with our romantic partners.
And yet, Dr. Winsberg, who spent three years as Facebook’s resident psychiatrist, tells SELF, “You can be the most tech-savvy person in the world, but our brains are still catching up to the way we’re using technology in our closest relationships. We have a lot to learn.”
In her recently released book, Speaking in Thumbs: A Psychiatrist Decodes Your Relationship Texts So You Don’t Have To, Dr. Winsberg draws on 25 years of clinical experience and research—her own and others’—to help people understand how texting impacts our relationships. Why texting? Dr. Winsberg argues that each person has ways they want to express and experience love, and since double-thumbing phone messages has generally become the dominant mode of communication in modern relationships, those preferences clearly manifest in texts. Borrowing terminology from Dr. Gary Chapman’s popular The 5 Love Languages, Dr. Winsberg’s book introduces five text love languages: compliments, riffing (rapid-fire banter), spoon-feeding (sending an interesting read or meme, or little personal updates), nooking (sweet nothings, like “XO,” or sexting), and nudging (reminders that you’re thinking of them).
“I think it’s helpful for people to know how they like to communicate and be communicated with,” says Dr. Winsberg. That way, partners are more likely to feel like they’re getting their emotional needs met. If you can’t decipher each other’s preferences from your text thread, have a chat. For example, you could say, “I’m not very good at chatting during the workday, but I love a good text sesh in the evening,” or “I’d love a goodnight text.” Then meet your partner where they are—if they prefer compliments, keep them sincere, or if they’re into riffing, set aside five minutes when you’re both normally free and see if you can make them LOL.
3. Consider doing a self-diagnostic.
We can learn a lot by scrolling back over our texts and looking at how we interact with our partners. According to Dr. Winsberg, our texting history “can provide an electronic health record” of sorts for our relationship. Recently, I read through my text exchanges with my husband. His “out of Ziplock bags” text probably didn’t count as riffing, just like my “Are you coming?” could hardly be mistaken for sexting, given the context. In fact, I found little evidence that the two people communicating were even in love, unless you count the occasional red heart emoji.
Dr. Winsberg writes in her book, “While messages may inevitably become more utilitarian in this way over the course of a relationship, there are good reasons to suggest that affectionate exchanges can help a couple maintain their bond.” After a year of living in constant contact (with kids), browsing our history was just the advice my husband and I needed. It inspired us to start sprinkling in texts like “I appreciate you” or a simple heart-eyes emoji—small acts of affection that have been satisfying to both send and receive.
Shanhong Luo, PhD, relationship researcher and professor at the University of North Carolina Wilmington, tested a similar hypothesis in a 2015 study published in Computers in Human Behavior titled “Can texting improve romantic relationships?” And according to her research, it can. “If people send a positive text message to their partner, either something generic or something nice about the partner, it helps to combat the downward satisfaction pattern,” Dr. Luo tells SELF. In other words, we all know it’s common for a relationship to have an early honeymoon phase followed by a slow fade in attraction over time. A super doable antidote? Send nice text messages.
4. Use evening screen time to your advantage.
Spending quality time with your significant other before bed, specifically, may offer a beneficial bonding boost, according to Dr. Drouin. And—good news for me–together tech-time totally counts.
In a 2021 study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Dr. Drouin found that more than half of the 289 participants reported going to bed at the same time as their partner, while 27% said they usually didn’t, but wanted to. In her book, Dr. Drouin writes, “Simply going to bed with a romantic partner predicted bedtime satisfaction. In turn, increased bedtime satisfaction led to more sexual, relationship, and life satisfaction.”
If that sounds like too big a pivot because, like me, you value your solo screen time at night, take heart: “It doesn’t matter what couples are doing together, as long as they’re doing it right before bed,” Dr. Drouin says.
For example, she says that partners don’t necessarily need to have sex, or even long conversations, to bond. “Sometimes watching a movie or show together can get you to a positive place in terms of your relationship satisfaction,” she tells SELF. What if Netflix isn’t your jam? No problem, Dr. Drouin’s study found all that’s needed for activities to be “pro-bonding” for couples is that they’re experienced together—which is good news for pairs who prefer playing video games or listening to a podcast (or even side-by-side scrolling) over streaming shows.
The caveat: If you do opt for tech over touch at night, be cognizant of blue light before sleep. According to the CDC, exposure to blue light can make it difficult to fall and stay asleep. But a study in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine suggests that TV is less likely to interfere with sleep than more interactive devices like mobile phones, which are more physiologically and cognitively stimulating—plus, since TVs aren’t typically as close to your face as phones and tablets, your eyes may get less blue light exposure.
5. Make incremental autocorrection the goal.
Becoming aware of technology’s impact on our closest relationships is critical, says Dr. Luo, but revamping our tech habits wholesale may seem too daunting. That’s why she encourages couples to focus on small acts of romantic upkeep. “For houses, cars, and relationships, regular maintenance makes it possible to sustain satisfaction,” she says.
For me this little-by-little mindset helps. During the day I now make an effort to notice when I’m mindlessly scrolling (hello check-out lines and parking lots), stop myself, and send some e-love to my man instead. Even if love looks like a meme of Taylor Swift making heart hands. “It’s easy to do,” Dr. Luo says. “Remembering to do it is a big first step.”
As for his phone mistresses, I also finally took a deep breath, promised myself to reach for “I statements”—even though barking criticisms felt more emotionally authentic—and talked to him about how it feels when his phones come to dinner. Lately, he’s been leaving them behind at dinnertime more often than not and charging them overnight in the kitchen so they’re out of reach when we go to bed. And he’s also going to ditch his personal phone in favor of keeping only one phone for business and pleasure.
When nighttime rolls around, I’ve taken Dr. Drouin’s advice about conversation and negotiation. “People don’t like being forced to do something,” Dr. Drouin tells SELF. “The best thing to do is ask your partner, ‘What does your ideal bedtime look like?’” If one person prefers streaming a Netflix series, say, and another wants to get busy, consider splitting the week and meeting your partner in the middle.
I’ve finally come around to his crashing my bedtime ritual, too. Though he never got into PEN15, we agree on Ozark and the idea of lights out by 10. Now, once we find the movie or show for the night, we snuggle up to watch it (usually with our phones out of reach). I’ve actually started to prefer his armpit to the pillow I used when he wasn’t lying next to me.
Maybe the next time I conduct a post-mortem of my marital text thread, I’ll find evidence of more than the groceries we lack. But I’m not expecting a bolt of romantic lightning either. “As with most things in science, a gradual synthesis is much more likely than a great leap,” Dr. Drouin says. “So couples may find that just like resentment can increase over time as phones interfere with interactions, positive feelings can also build as they take small steps together.”
If you think your magical relationship is never going to encounter a fight, you’re just plain wrong. Sorry to pop your love bubble, but welcome to reality.
Conflict is both inevitable and normal in romantic relationships. Where there is love and passion, there will be arguing, at least on occasion. In recent years, many psychologists, therapists and relationship coaches have even suggested that couples who do not fight have a higher chance of breaking up.
One 2012 study published in Society for Personality and Social Psychology found that in many cases, it’s beneficial for the overall well-being of a long-term relationship if couples openly express feelings of anger, rather than burying their feelings and avoiding them. This may seem obvious, but in practice, many of us do push away unpleasant feelings about our partners, instead of being open about our discontent.
Now, every single couple expresses anger or annoyance in their own way, as highlighted by a 2020 study that looked at the nuances of inter-couple conflict and ways it is expressed, and that’s something that must be acknowledged. That being said, there is a healthier way for all couples to fight. There’s no need to take the nuclear option at the first sign of a disagreement.
Silva Neves, an accredited psychotherapist specializing in psychosexual and relationship therapy, tells us that there are two main ways of fighting: Constructive (the healthy, positive way) and Destructive (the unhealthy, negative way). “If you are disrespectful to your partner, call them derogatory names or shout in a way that is intimidating, this is destructive and it doesn’t solve anything,” he says. “It makes things worse because these kinds of behaviors erode relationships.”
OK, but how do you fight constructively then? With the help of some of the best relationship experts in the business, we put together a simple and straightforward guide to healthy fighting. Because all couples argue, but most could be arguing better.
Why couples fight
Couples fight because they are in close proximity and because, as Laurie Mintz, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist and author of Becoming Cliterate, puts it, “We are two separate human beings trying to forge a connection and sometimes a life together.” And that shit is hard.
There are many reasons why we might find ourselves in conflict. “It might be when you find that you have a different point of view from your partner, or when you want them to do something they’re not willing to do,” Neves explains. “Most of the time, the arguments are over small things and it is usually when we feel vulnerable [or] insecure about ourselves for one reason or another.”
Romantic relationships can bring out the best in us in so many ways, but they can also trigger deeper attachment wounds. How we interact with people we love is largely influenced by the ways in which we experienced relationships and attachment as children and throughout our lives — and so is the way we fight.
“If we have insecure attachment styles, getting involved in a close relationship may trigger our attachment [systems],” says Nazanin Moali, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and sex and relationship expert. “Oftentimes people manage more distanced relationships by avoiding conflicts; however, when we are in closer relationships, we may not have a choice other than facing the issues.”
Hence, we fight.
Fighting the healthy way (yes, it’s possible)
Now that we know why we fight, we can figure out the best ways to fight in order to not completely destroy each other and/or our relationships.
Lucy Rowett, a certified sex and relationships coach, says that it’s always best to stay with “I” statements, rather than “You” statements. This means avoiding statements like “You always/You never” and instead saying, “I feel like you don’t do X.”
Neves expands on this idea: “Constructive fighting is taking responsibility for your opinions and feelings and not blaming the other [person], but making more of a statement for yourself: ‘When you don’t wash the dishes, I feel hurt because I enjoy a clean kitchen. It is important for me to share tasks in order to feel respected. If I cook, I would like you to wash the dishes.’ Compared to: ‘You haven’t done the dishes yet again, you’re useless.’” Basically, the blame game just makes us defensive and that is not productive.
When having an argument, it comes down to priorities. Constructive fighting is about problem solving and sharing feelings, not making the other person feel like shit about themselves. “Real intimacy isn’t the absence of conflict; it’s the recognition of conflict and the willingness to address it as a team when it arises,” Moali says. “It is important to address the ongoing issues in the relationship, but focus on resolving the problem instead of proving your partner wrong.”
Lastly, and this one might sting, Mintz says that even in the midst of a heated fight, you need to “remind yourself that this is a person you love and respect and work to find the grain of truth (there is always one) in what they are saying.”
Firm, but fair. We’re all just trying to be heard, right?
Reconnecting after a fight (and moving forward together)
Once you’re finished with the blowout, it’s important to then find a post-combat, neutral place. Neves tells us that you should take some time, regroup and calm down before you attempt to reconnect.
Next, both parties need to take responsibility for their actions and be willing to apologize. Apologize “properly if you raised your voice and said something hurtful, and then start the conversation again in a calmer state,” Neves says.
This is a grand time for physical affection — in whatever form works for you. Hugs, kisses, cuddles, etc. all help to get the oxytocin flowing and recreate intimate connection with those we love. “Then, you can choose what’s next together — a walk, a movie, time alone, sex. There is no right or wrong — whatever works for both of you, individually and as a couple,” Mintz adds.
Safeguarding for future conflicts
The best way to safeguard is to first set “absolute limits.” Rowett tells us she recommends “that you make an agreement with each other when you’re both connected of what is absolutely off-limits when you are fighting, such as hurling anything at your partner that you know will hurt them or hit a pain point, because this can cause real damage to your relationship and you may not be able to rebuild trust.”
Neves suggests paying attention to these Big 4 Unhealthy Fight Red Flags.
1. Criticism
Sure, it’s perfectly fine to tell your partner if something they did upset you, but don’t point the finger of blame and try to tear them down. Instead “focus on the impact their behaviors [or] thoughts ha[ve] on you instead.”
2. Defensiveness
Now, if you’re on the opposite side of this and you’re receiving feedback, “don’t jump [on] the defense straight away as it encourages more conflicts,” Neves says. “Instead, take a deep breath, try to understand their point of view and invite them for brainstorming to resolve the issue together.”
3. Contempt
Contempt arises when you genuinely believe that you are superior to your partner. “Whether it is better at doing some tasks, or more emotionally intelligent or have higher intellect, whatever it is that you believe you’re better at, don’t,” Neves says. You might be better at some things than your partner, but they have their strengths too. “If you have contempt for your partner, this builds resentment over time, and this is very toxic for a relationship.”
4. Stonewalling
If your partner does something that pisses you off, don’t shut down or blow them off. These kinds of counterproductive reactions only fuel anger and resentment. “If it is not the right time for you to have an argument, just tell your partner that you’re not ready for it and that you commit to address the issues later, when it’s more convenient,” Neves says.
At the end of the day, everyone fights. We just need to have the emotional maturity to understand why we’re fighting and to be able to apologize and take responsibility where it’s needed. We all want beautiful, healthy, happy relationships, and they start with taking steps to engage in conflict in a positive way.
Male anorgasmia is the persistent inability of a man to have an orgasm, even after sexual stimulation. Anorgasmia, or Coughlan’s syndrome, affects both men and women, but it’s more common in women.
Male anorgasmia can be distressing to those who experience it, especially since it often occurs with delayed ejaculation. This is when an orgasm is possible, but it’s difficult and takes longer to achieve.
It’s estimated that about 8% of men have delayed or absent orgasm.1 It’s less common among younger men and increases with age.
The condition should not be confused with erectile dysfunction (the inability to achieve an erection) or low libido (lack of sexual desire). However, these conditions may co-exist.
There are multiple causes of male anorgasmia. They include:
Physiological problems present at birth
Side effects from surgery
Medications
Psychological issues
A treatment plan can be created once the cause has been identified. Then a man should be able to regain normal and satisfying sexual function.
This article will explain the types and causes of male anorgasmia. It will also address diagnosis and treatment as well as how to cope with this condition.
Physiology of the Male Orgasm
The male orgasm is a complex process. It is the third of four distinct phases in the sexual response cycle: Desire (libido), arousal (excitement), orgasm, and resolution.
Male orgasm results from sexual activity and arousal. It involves multiple hormones, organs, and nerve pathways.
Testosterone, a hormone produced in the testicles, plays a central role in this process by enhancing sexual desire that leads to arousal, erection, and ultimately, orgasm.
Also involved are contractions of the muscles of the penis, anus, and perineum. This space is located between the anus and scrotum. Ultimately, these contractions propel semen from the body.
During orgasm, the reward center of the brain floods with neurochemicals. These chemicals are responsible for the intense emotional response associated with an orgasm.
A man may be unable to achieve a normal orgasm when physical or emotional issues affect any of these parts of the process.
Types
Men can experience one of two types of anorgasmia:
Primary anorgasmia, when a person has never been able to have an orgasm
Secondary, or situational, anorgasmia, when orgasm can be reached only under specific conditions, such as during oral sex or masturbation
Causes
The potential causes of male anorgasmia can be divided into two categories: physiological and psychological:
Physiological
Conditions such as multiple sclerosis, neuropathy (nerve damage) caused by diabetes, and uncontrolled hypertension (high blood pressure)
Hypogonadism (low testosterone levels) and endocrine disorders that affect hormonal balance
Complications from prostate surgery (prostatectomy) or radiation to treat prostate cancer
Cauda equina syndrome, a rare condition in which exposed nerve fibers at the bottom of the spinal cord become irritated
Congenital absence of the bulbocavernosus sphincter to contract during ejaculation
Substance abuse (especially heroin use)
Prescription side effects with certain medications, such as antipsychotics, opiates, and antidepressants, particularly selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) like Prozac (fluoxetine)
A study of about 2,000 men evaluated for the sexual effects of antidepressants found that the inability to achieve orgasm was seven times more common in those who took SSRIs.
Psychological
General mental health issues such as anxiety, stress, depression, relationship difficulties, and hostility
Sexual performance anxiety (the most common psychological cause of anorgasmia), which can affect men of any age and can be intensified by erectile dysfunction
Negative attitudes about sex tied to a repressive religious upbringing or family/parental issues
Early sexual abuse and trauma
Certain phobias, such as haphephobia (fear of being touched) and genophobia (generalized fear of sexual intercourse)
Grief, including that brought on by the loss of a partner
Diagnosis
To treat male anorgasmia, it must be diagnosed accurately. If you’re dealing with this problem, a visit to your primary care healthcare provider can get the process started.
Your healthcare provider will do a thorough physical exam and review your medical history. This may include an evaluation of all medications you take or have taken in the past.
It’s possible that your anorgasmia started about the same time you began taking a new medication.
This initial evaluation will steer the next move: either more tests or a referral to a specialist. This could be a urologist for a physical cause or a mental health professional for a psychological issue. You could get a referral to both.
Tests commonly used to help diagnose the cause of male anorgasmia include:
Blood tests to measure levels of hormones such as testosterone, thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH), and prolactin, a hormone that affects testosterone levels
Biothesiometry to measure whether there’s a loss of sensation in the penis
Penile sympathetic skin response to test the function of nerves supplying the penis
Sacral reflex arc testing, another way to evaluate the function of the nerves that supply the genital area
Treatment
Testosterone replacement therapy such as Tlando (testosterone undecanoate) or a dopamine-promoting drug, like Dostinex (cabergoline), may restore a man’s ability to orgasm
Therapy and/or medication for depression, anxiety, or other mood disorders that contribute to male anorgasmia
Psychotherapy to overcome sexual performance anxiety or past sexual and non-sexual trauma
Couples counseling, which may help resolve relationship issues
Sex therapy to treat certain sexual issues
Instruction in digital prostate massage to help stimulate what some people consider to be the male G-spot
Sometimes, changing the dosage of a prescription is all that’s necessary to return sexual function to normal. It’s a simple “cure” that serves as a reminder about why it doesn’t pay to postpone a trip to the doctor.
What About Viagra?
Medications such as Viagra (sildenafil) and Cialis (tadalafil) increase blood flow to the penis. They treat erectile dysfunction but will not enhance libido or make it easier for a man to reach orgasm.
Coping
Male anorgasmia, like any type of sexual dysfunction, can take a big toll on a man’s physical, psychological, and emotional life. It may have similar effects on his partner.
The most important step is to seek a medical diagnosis. It does no good to allow fear or embarrassment to prevent you from confronting the issue.
Usually, there is hope. But an effective treatment may not be possible if you:
Have had a radical prostatectomy (a surgical procedure on the prostate)
Have suffered severe pelvic trauma
Have multiple sclerosis
In this case, the best solution may be to focus on enhancing sexual pleasure and intimacy without orgasm. A psychologist or sex therapist can help you embrace a healthy sexual lifestyle in ways you may not have considered.
Summary
There are two types of male anorgasmia and two primary causes: physiological and psychological. Diagnosis is straightforward, and many treatment options exist.
Coping with the condition can be difficult for the man as well as his partner. But taking a proactive stance and seeing a physician as soon as possible can help both people resume their sexual activities with confidence.
A Word from Verywell
Male anorgasmia can be frustrating and embarrassing for a man at any age or stage of life. There are many possible reasons why a man does not reach orgasm. However, once the cause is clear, effective treatment options abound. They can restore sexual function to normal.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is male anorgasmia?
It is the medical term used to describe the inability to reach orgasm despite sexual stimulation.2
How common is male anorgasmia?
Anorgasmia is thought to affect around 8% of people with penises. The risk increases with age.1
What is situational anorgasmia?
Situational anorgasmia is the inability to achieve orgasm in specific sexual situations, such as during oral sex.
What are medical causes of male anorgasmia?
There are many physiological explanations for male anorgasmia. The most common are:
Low testosterone (often age-related)
Uncontrolled high blood pressure
Prostate surgery or radiation
Alcohol or substance abuse
Cauda equina syndrome, a rare spinal cord condition
Neurologic disorders like diabetic neuropathy
Can medications cause male anorgasmia?
Yes. Among the most common causes of male anorgasmia are antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). These include Celexa (citalopram), Lexapro (escitalopram), Paxil (paroxetine), Prozac (fluoxetine), and Zoloft (sertraline).
Are there psychological causes of anorgasmia?
Yes. Sexual trauma, performance anxiety, depression, and other psychological issues may cause anorgasmia.
How do you diagnose male anorgasmia?
To help pinpoint the cause, healthcare providers often take a blood test to detect any hormonal or metabolic abnormalities, conduct in-office tests to evaluate penile skin sensitivity and erectile function, and possibly make a referral to a mental health professional.
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