We investigate whether expensive sex toys are *really* worth it.
The sexual wellness industry is worth billions. But can you put a price (or a guarantee) on an orgasm? Sex and relationships writer, Paisley Gilmour, reports from the frontline of Pleasure Inc.
As a sex and relationships journalist, I often think I’ve heard it all… until something new comes along that’s either completely genius or so eye-rollingly outlandish that I find myself yelling into my laptop. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people doing what they want to improve their sex lives (as long as they’re safe).
But with the sex toy market valued at around $38 billion in 2019 (even before multiple lockdowns saw sex-toy sales rocket), our sex lives are being commodified. And the more that happens, the more likely it is that you’re marketed stuff you don’t really need.
Sexual wellness is no longer confined to a dark corner of the internet; sites like Cult Beauty and Priceline now have their own sex sections, so you can browse vibes while stocking up on toothpaste. Goop – purveyor of the controversial jade vagina egg – now sells everything from a ‘date-night box’ (around $360 for a vibrator, sex gel, massage oil, chocolate and the infamous ‘This Smells Like My Vagina’ candle) to a 14-carat gold-plated collar-and-lead bondage set (around $740).
There are sexual wellness apps, too. Emjoy is an ‘audio guide for intimate wellbeing’ with a $16 monthly subscription fee, while Ferly promises to ‘radically transform your relationship with sex’ for around $25 a month. And let’s not forget the wealth of workshops and treatments you can try in a bid to improve your sex life. Tantric sex retreats for couples starting at $1000 and a $580 three-hour massage for ‘performance and orgasm issues’ spring to mind.
So, with the thriving industry going nowhere, does spending more on your sexual wellness actually guarantee success?
Is it worth splashing out on expensive sex toys? A case study
Jess Hooper* spent nearly $5,300 on her sex life over 12 months that straddled 2020 and early 2021; a sum that includes a Sybian – a sex machine with customisable vibrating dildos you can ride – that costs around $1700, as well as a rechargeable Doxy Wand vibrator for $299.95.
Among her other investments are new lingerie (“for regaining self-confidence”) and a butt plug with crystals inside (because she “needed some sparkle in 2020”). Jess also attends a pelvic-floor Pilates class for better sexual enjoyment and is a committed OnlyFans subscriber, changing the model she pays every month to support sex workers through the pandemic.
It was after experiencing pelvic-floor issues and difficulty orgasming that Jess, now 31, decided to invest more in her personal sexual wellbeing. “Years ago, I realised how important it is when looking at wellbeing overall,” she explains. “Sexual pleasure and satisfaction are an integral part of life for many. I’m willing to spend money on it, but I’ve had to really think about what can help me sexually.”
So, does every cent spent equate to mind-blowing orgasms? Seems it’s not quite as simple as that.
“I’ve found that items that look pretty aren’t always great. Often, sex toys made from expensive materials break really easily, so they’re just decorative. There was one I wanted… and it was meant to feel like oral sex. But there was so much wrong with it, and it even damaged my skin.”
Among Jess’s other regrets is a gold-plated dildo, since the vagina’s natural lubricant stripped the plating off over time. While Jess generally likes the sex-position pillows she’s invested in, she’s since found a cheaper alternative in mobility pillows, as well as those designed to help with back pain, which can be found in supermarkets.
Overall, Jess has seen the biggest payback on her investment when she’s bought things for herself – something she’s been doing a lot more of over the past year, now that she’s no longer in a polyamorous relationship.
“What I buy now is less couples-focused and more about me – something I probably neglected for years,” reflects Jess.
Budget VS high-end sex toys: My personal experience
While I’ll groan when I see my bursting inbox, full of bizarre NSFW emails, I’m aware my job comes with a great deal of sexual privilege. I’ve been able to test and review sex toys that are way beyond my budget, visit sex resorts that would have cost me thousands and even attend a $180 workshop that taught me how to use a strap-on.
I’ve been granted unrivalled access to the luxury sexual wellness world that would otherwise have been unavailable to me. And along the way, I’ve learnt a thing or two about what’s worth the hefty price tag.
I’ve had orgasms courtesy of a $25 vibrator and a $360 model and, with the exception of the millennial-pink marketing material, I’m not sure the experiences were actually all that different.
Of the hundreds of toys I’ve tried, only 10 remain in my under-the-bed sex box. And of those, I only really use five on regular rotation. I only have one vagina, after all.
My old faithful is a $50 glass dildo from Lovehoney, and on the pricier end of the spectrum is my other favourite, the Kip vibrator from female-owned brand, Dame Products. At around $130, it isn’t cheap, but its materials are high quality – and having spent hours chatting to the brand’s founder about her activism within the industry, I feel it’s a toy worth splashing out on. As for the dildo, the glass is sustainable, will last a lifetime and – most importantly – is body-safe.
Safety of materials used
The truth behind this ever-expanding industry is that it’s unregulated. That said, last year the International Organization for Standardization (ISO) – an independent body that develops voluntary expert-backed standards for different products and processes – released its first set of standards for sex toy design and materials. It warned manufacturers against the use of certain materials, like phthalates – a group of chemicals that are used to make plastics more flexible and have been linked with decreased fertility, asthma and breast cancer. I only use toys that are made from body-safe materials, like medical-grade silicone, ceramic, metal and glass.
Behind-the-scenes production ethics
While free porn has never been more accessible, it’s undoubtedly problematic. Pornhub had to remove millions of videos in 2020 after they were found to feature victims of child exploitation and sex trafficking, and 40 women are now suing the site’s owners, MindGeek, for about $100 million. I rely heavily on my subscription to ethical porn site XConfessions instead. Starting at about $16 a month, this gives you unlimited access to independent adult films by director Erika Lust, in which the actors are paid fairly and have creative input. After all, nothing can put you off your stride more quickly than wondering whether or not the actor you’re watching was treated with respect on set.
Supporting female-founded sex toy brands
Then there’s the question of who you want your money to go to. “A lot of sex tech for women is still being designed by men,” says Alice Stewart, a creative technologist and founder of Touchy-Feely Tech, a company that makes DIY vibrator kits and holds workshops to teach people how to build their own sex toys.
But the tide is turning, with more female-founded companies that have women and non-binary people in design roles popping up. See: Dame Products, MysteryVibe and Lora DiCarlo.
“It’s like there are two sides to this industry. There are sex-positive, female-founded companies advocating for marginalised folks out there, and while they’re expensive, they’re using very new tech that’s patented and for which they’ve won awards at science and engineering trade fairs. But then there’s the side serving the mainstream, with cheap products, copying ideas and selling a hundred options. The world I prefer to be in is the one that often comes at a premium,” says Stewart.
This decision, Stewart is keen to emphasise, is a personal one, and not because the smaller companies will guarantee a better experience. “An orgasm can also be achieved with a very simple, cheap vibrator,” she adds. “Essentially, all the sex toys out there have the same components.”
Sex toys won’t fix your personal life
When you face a problem in your life, it’s tempting to open up Google, grab your credit card and throw money at it. But just as owning the world’s best hand weights won’t automatically build muscle, shelling out on your sex life doesn’t come with an orgasms-or-your-money-back guarantee.
“In reality, most of the challenges people have that prevent them from enjoying a good and flourishing sex life are psychological. They’re not necessarily issues that can be fixed with lube, a sex toy or a new workshop. Although those things can absolutely help,” says sex educator Portia Brown.
Instead, Brown suggests looking inwards and working through any relevant issues at play such as body image, boundary setting or communication troubles.
“If you’re not experienced using toys or can’t be honest with yourself about what you want from a sexual experience, chances are you won’t have the exhilarating time you hope for. You can buy great sex toys or even the services of an accomplished sex practitioner, but only you can decide whether or not you can let yourself enjoy the sex you crave in the way you want,” says psychosexual therapist Lohani Noor.
“Ultimately, communication is at the foundation of every good relationship, and investment in it will enable you to reap the rewards of mutually satisfying sex,” continues Noor.
Whether to splurge or save on sex toys: The TL;DR summary
From my own experience, and through my conversations with the sex-positive people who are trying to change this industry, I’ve learned there’s no simple answer as to whether you really can buy your way to a better sex life. Some people do rely on sex toys to orgasm and experience sexual pleasure, and if dropping a month’s salary on golden anal beads makes them happier, who are we to judge? But cheap toys are, for many people, a gateway into the sex-toy world and as such, they have an important role to play, too.
Above all, I’ve learnt that true sexual fulfilment comes from investing more than just money; it comes from investing time and emotional energy in yourself. As with just about every other thing you spend your money on, a quick fix rarely equates to long-term happiness; just as a new designer dress won’t immediately solve your body-confidence woes, a diamanté spanking paddle can’t guarantee a rich and wild sex life, either. In short, sexual wellness, ultimately, comes from within.
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