— Here’s what to do if you’re in one

It doesn’t necessarily mean your relationship’s over

By Gabrielle Kassel

You know how many of your pals are proudly posting about their Stanley cups, favourite books, and hot girl walks? Well, odds are, even more of your friends are silently suffering through a sex drought. So, if you’re currently craving more coitus than your partner wants to, can, or is willing to participate in, you can take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone.

Many people don’t talk about their dry spells, because it can feel embarrassing to imply that something is ‘wrong’ in your relationship, says Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. But actually, it’s a common experience. ‘Most couples go through a period of being sexless,’ she says.

Research backs this claim up: One 2018 survey published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found more than 15 percent of married folks hadn’t had sex the previous year. But the actual statistics may even be higher than these numbers, according to Chavez. ‘Most people in sexless relationships do not disclose to others they are in a sexless relationship, due to the social stigma associated with the lack,’ she says. So, the good news: you’re not alone. But, the less-good news: the knowledge that (many!) other people are currently wading through a sex drought doesn’t make it easier to figure out what you should do.

Meet the experts: Shannon Chavez Qureshiz, PsyD, CST, is a licensed psychologist and sex therapist based in Beverly Hills. Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, is a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute. Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast.

Ahead, sex and relationship therapists answer all your questions about being in a sexless relationship, including what causes it and what you can do to fix it. (Yes, that means that many sexless relationships can return to their sex-filled beginnings—with a little tenderness, love, care, and conversation.)

What is a sexless relationship?

Traditionally, sexless relationships are defined by a lack of—or low occurrence of— intercourse within a relationship. ‘A widely used benchmark on the topic says relationships are sexless when sex happens less than 10 times per year,’ says Carolina Pataky, PhD, LMFT, a sexologist and co-founder of South Florida’s Love Discovery Institute.

The problem with this definition is that it typically centres on just one type of sex, when the definition of sex is (or at least, should be) much more expansive than intercourse, says Rachel Wright, LMFT, New York-based licensed psychotherapist and host of The Wright Conversations podcast.

‘Most people in sexless relationships do not disclose to others they are in a sexless relationship’

There’s no doubt that penis-in-vagina sex, strap-on sex, and anal sex can be pleasurable. But narrowing in on just these sex acts means that people who are having plenty of satisfying oral sex, hand hanky-panky, toy play, or mutual masturbation technically fall in the ‘sexless’ category, says Wright.

In effort to be both more inclusive and accurate, many sex educators and therapists propose a new, more nuanced understanding of sexless relationships. Chavez, for example, says the term should be reserved for partnerships where the quality, pleasure-rich physical interactions are lacking and (and this is important) this lack is distressing to one or more of the people in the relationship.

Pataky agrees that quantity shouldn’t be the sole determining factor in a sexless relationship diagnosis. ‘If both individuals in the relationship are content with their level of sexual activity—and it’s high-quality when it happens—then, regardless of its infrequency, the term ‘sexless’ might not accurately reflect their situation,’ she says.

What is the difference between a sexless relationship and a dry spell?

>Much like the differences between toe-ma-toe and toe-mah-to, the differences between sexless marriage, a dry spell, and a dead bedroom is a matter of semantics. All four imply the same concern that sexual intimacy is missing in action, says Chavez.

As you might guess, sexless marriage is a term reserved for low-copulatory couples who are wed. Meanwhile, a dry spell generally suggests that a few weeks or months have gone without an ‘adequate’ (as defined by the individual using the term) number of intimate encounters.

Someone in a dry spell, however, might not be going through a year(s)-long drought, says Pataky. ‘Usually, a dry spell is often seen as a natural ebb and flow in a relationship’s sexual dynamics, rather than a prolonged problem,’ she adds. However, Chavez notes that ‘some people feel like dry spell is a more socially acceptable term, so [they] use it over other terms, regardless of how long it has been.’

Finally, ‘dead bedroom’ generally refers to a relationship that isn’t just missing in (penetrative) sex, but also other forms of physical intimacy, too. There’s a queer-centric version of this ‘dead bedroom’ called ‘lesbian bed death,’ which also suggests a lack of action. (Though many want to retire the phrase, since it facilitates that false belief that women and non-men are less sexually-inclined than men, which is false.)

All in all, if someone is using one of these terms, they are most likely trying to express anguish. As such, whether it’s your partner, pal, or patient (heya, therapists!) who is using this language, it’s in your best interest to ask follow-up Q’s that can help you discern the exact issue.

Why are we having no (or less) sex?

To borrow a line from Elizabeth Barrett Brown, let me count the ways. ‘A sudden decrease or drop off in sexual activity can stem from a variety of reasons,’ according to Pataky. The good news is that once the trigger is identified, it can usually be trouble-shot in such a way that sex either returns, or the couple (or triad) realise they are no longer compatible, and can either restructure their relationship or split.

Ahead, 6 common culprits as to why you’re not getting it on anymore.

1. You’re busy bees.

Even a quickie takes some time! So, if you and your boo are currently only getting by with the help of your Google calendar and post-it notes, it makes sense that you’d notice a dip.

‘Having a new baby, one or more partners being in crunch time at work, and navigating a family member’s worsening health are all time-consuming things that can impact how often you have sex,’ says Pataky. Plus, all of these examples are things that take a toll on your emotional and mental bandwidth, as well, which can also throw your sex life a curveball.

If this sounds like you, Pataky says scheduling sex can be an effective strategy to enhance intimacy and connection in relationships, especially in scenarios where the spontaneity of sexual encounters has waned due to life’s demands. ‘Scheduling sex is not just about the act itself; it’s about creating a sacred space for sexual and emotional connection,’ she says.

2. You’re feeling stressed.

When you’re under periods of high stress, your stress hormone (cortisol) levels rise, explains Pataky. Because the entire endocrine system is interconnected, this can cause hormones that impact your interest in sex (such as testosterone and oestrogen) to go haywire, as well.

For some people, high stress can function a bit like an aphrodisiac, causing them to crave sex, and further enjoy the stress-relieving benefits of orgasm, says Pataky. For more people, however, there is no bigger cock or coochie block than stress.

Whether the underlying cause of the stress is financial disarray, your living situation, or work drama, finding ways to navigate it can help. Meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing, yoga, movement, and reduced caffeine intake may all prove useful. Oh, and do your best to stop stressing about how much (or how little) sex you’re currently having! Doing so is only going to exacerbate the so-called issue.

3. Someone is on the asexuality spectrum.

As individuals, our sexuality can evolve and evolve and evolve again. That’s why some people may be interested in less kinky sex in later years than they were in their 20s, while others become interested in dating across the gender spectrum after decades of only dating on one side of it. Well, an individual’s sexuality can also evolve in such a way that they find themselves hanging out on the asexuality spectrum.

Quick refresher: Asexuality is an orientation wherein individuals do not experience regular sexual attraction—if they experience it at all. Much like queer, asexual is considered an umbrella term that houses a range of non-allosexual identity, such as demisexual and graysexual.

‘Identities on the asexuality spectrum are valid sexual orientations, and individuals who identify as asexual may still form meaningful and fulfilling romantic connections,’ says Pataky. Fact is, not all people on the asexuality spectrum are also on the aromantic one. (ICYDK: Aromanticism is an orientation marked by the lack of regular romantic attraction, or interest).

‘Understanding and respecting different sexual orientations is essential for fostering inclusive and supportive romantic relationships,’ she says. So, in instances where an asexual identity underpins a lack of sex, it can be helpful for the non-asexual (also known as allosexual) partner to understand exactly what being asexual means to their partner, she says. (In addition to chatting with your partner directly, consider reading Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and The Meaning of Sex by Angela Chen).

It can also be helpful to understand the asexual partner’s current relationship to sex. Some individuals are sex-repulsed, while others are sex-neutral. Those in the latter camp may elect to have sex with their partner(s) despite not feeling sexual attraction, for a range of reasons such as the stress-relieving benefits of orgasm or the intimacy it allows them to foster with their partners.

To be clear: Happy, healthy relationships between an asexual person and an allosexual one, are possible! As is the case with other relationship dynamics, a combination of self-awareness, clear communication, and empathy are key.

4. One of you has had a medical change.

Chronic pain conditions, physical health issues, unaddressed mental health woes, medication changes or side effects, and hormonal shifts can all lead to a decrease in sexual activity within relationships, according to Pataky.

Indeed, several health conditions such as diabetes, cancer, and heart disease are known to reduce libido. Further, for medically unknown reasons, decreased libido, sexual changes, and erectile dysfunction are common side effects of a wide range of medications—including medications used to treat depression and anxiety, as well as certain forms of birth control.

Pregnancy, postpartum, nursing, perimenopause and menopause, and so on are also often times when an individual might experience a decreased interest in sex as their body goes through a massive, massive change, Pataky says. ‘In particular, the postpartum period is one typically ripe with decreased sex as the pregnant person’s body recovers, and the couple adjusts to the emotional and logistical challenges of being new parents,’ she says. Makes sense!

Whether it’s baby-related or not, if you think there’s an underlying medical or medicinal culprit to your loss of interest in sex, consult a healthcare provider ASAP. You should never (ever!) simply discontinue use of the medicine you think is the culprit. Instead, tell your doc that a dip in sex drive is one of your unwanted symptoms and see if they can prescribe an additional medication to counteract the effects, or another medication altogether.

5. There’s an emotional disconnect.

‘Recognising the complex interplay between emotional well-being and sexual well-being is crucial for trouble-shooting a sexless relationship,’ says Pataky. ‘Emotional connection between partners is fundamental to a fulfilling sex life. So, a lack of or diminished emotional bond can result in decreased sexual desire and activity.’

To be clear: It would be both inaccurate to say that all people who are in sexless relationships are emotionally unfulfilled! However, there is value in analyzing how you and your partner have been spending less quality time together, have been less verbally affirmative about your TLC, have stopped communicating with as much regularity or generosity, or have otherwise stagnated emotionally, according to Pataky. ‘It can give you a good starting point,’ she says.

6. So, so many other reasons.

To put it bluntly, the aforementioned list of reasons why you and your boo have stopped boning are just the tip of the frustrating iceberg.

For folks who are allosexual, sex drive and libido serve as a barometer of the body’s state of overall health and well-being, says Chavez. When anything that impacts overall well-being pops up, a downturn in libido—and as a result a decreased interest in partnered play—can occur. As such, ‘body image issues, sexual boredom, unaddressed relationship conflicts, infidelity on one (or both) sides, job dissatisfaction, trauma, betrayal, and sexual shame can all result in someone no longer wanting to have sex,’ she says.

The best thing an individual can do when their libido lulls is to get curious about it, says Wright. ‘The lull often serves as a check-engine light, telling you that it’s time to take inventory on what’s going on with your body and life more generally.’

So… should I stay in a sexless relationship?

There is no one size fits all answer to this question. Ultimately, it comes down to whether or not you are feeling distressed by the lack of sex, says Chavez.

‘Not having sex with your partner doesn’t necessarily imply that you are dissatisfied or not fulfilling needs in other areas of intimacy,’ she says. Some people are perfectly happy in a sexless relationship! If other facets of the relationship are thriving and you can communicate about your sexual desires and needs, odds are that it is probably a relationship that is worth staying in, she says.

‘Sexlessness is really only a significant concern if one or both partners are experiencing distress, dissatisfaction, or a sense of disconnection due to the lack of sexual intimacy,’ Chavez says. This distress is most common in relationships where the individuals do not feel safe or able to communicate their sexual needs, she says. But it’s a huge problem because it often results in feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and guilt—all of which can have serious side effects on mental well-being.

When considering whether or not to stay in your relationship, Chavez says it’s important to consider:

• How important physical touch is to you
• Where intimacy exists in your relationship outside of sex, if anywhere
• Your current relationship structure and relationship orientation
• Where you and your partner(s) lie on the asexuality spectrum
• Whether you and your partner have the ability to communicate
• Whether or not you have the ability to talk about sex, specifically

What should I do if I’m unhappy in a sexless relationship?

1. First, think about how important sex is to you.

Of course, the suggestions below will give you tips around conversing with your partner(s). But before you do that, take some time to get really honest with yourself about how important sex is to you.

Some questions to ask yourself:

• In my dream world, how often would I be able to have sex?
• Why do I like having sex with my partner? What does it bring me (or us), exactly?
• What role can masturbation play in helping me meet my sexual wants?
• What types of touch and intimacy with others are currently allowed within the current structure of my relationship?
• Is there a relationship structure change that can be made that will support my happiness?
• What degree of compromise am I willing to make, as far as my sexual desires are concerned?

Whether you journal your answers in a Moleskine, jot them down in your Notes app, or chew them through with a therapist or friend, Wright urges you to do your best not to judge yourself for the answers that come to mind. We are taught that there is a very narrow range of what desires and frequency of sex are permissible, she says. As such, the many people who fall outside of that range (and desire more or less sex) will have to fight the internalised belief that their desires are capital-w Wrong.

If you notice feelings of shame, humiliation, or discomfort as you chew through these questions, Wright suggests working through these emotions with a sex-positive mental health professional. ‘They’ll be able to remind you that your wants and desires are normal.’

2. Talk to your partner.

Given that there’s really no way to know whether or not you and your partner are on the same page about sexual frequency unless you talk about it, communication is key, says Pataky.

‘When discussing the frequency of sex with your partner, it’s essential to approach the conversation with openness and empathy,’ she says. ‘Begin by creating a safe, non-judgmental space where both partners feel comfortable expressing their feelings and desires.’ It’s also best to use ‘I’ statements to express your feelings and avoid placing blame, she says.

Some examples of what you might say:

• ‘I read an article about sexual frequency in relationships, and it made me realize that we haven’t talked about our sex life or sexual frequency in a bit. Would you be open to reading the article, and then discussing it with me sometime this week? I think it could be a nice way for us to get on the same page.’
• ‘When you have the energy, I’d really like to make time to share about our sexual needs, desires, and wants. My perception is that I’m much more interested in physical intimacy these days, and I’d love it if you could share some insights with me about if that’s the case, and why. I want to make sure that we’re both getting our needs met and I’m not dropping the ball on some place I’m overlooking.’
• ‘I’ve observed that we haven’t been as intimate or sexual in the last few months as we were the first few years of our relationship. I’m feeling a little unsure on how to talk about this because I don’t want anyone to feel pressured, but I do miss being physically close with you. Would you be open to brainstorming ways that we can nurture that piece of our relationship?’

Remember: What you say is important—but what your partner says is, too. ‘It’s crucial to listen actively to your partner’s perspective and acknowledge their feelings as well as share your own,’ says Pataky.

3. Prioritise intimacy.

Sure, a sexless relationship can be healthy! But for most allosexual people, it’s not possible to be in a partnership that isn’t intimate.

‘Intimacy is a culture of closeness and connection between two (or more) people that builds over time,’ says psychologist and sex therapist Megan Fleming, PhD. It’s the thing that enables relationships to feel safe, supportive, sacred, and can set the foundation for sexual closeness, she said.

That’s why Pataky says that couples looking to break their sex drought should start by rebuilding intimacy. ‘This can include spending quality time together, engaging in affectionate touch like massage and cuddling, and strengthening your emotional connection through regular dates and shared activities,’ she says.

4. Consider a different relationship structure.

fully on board with—not something someone submits to due to coercion, fear of being left, or emotional distress, says Chavez.

‘Opening the relationship is never a fix for a relationship problem; it is a lifestyle not a band-aid to other unaddressed issues,’ she adds. Still, it may be a sound work-around for some duos—for instance, pairings between someone who is asexual and allosexual. ‘If you think opening your relationship might be for you, you need to commit to open communication and honesty, and should do your research before jumping in.’

The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton, Polysecure by Jessica Fern, and the Multiamory and Remodeled Love podcasts are all great resources to start your learning.

5. Consult a professional.

If your lack of sexual activity is causing distress or if there are underlying issues that you and your love are struggling to resolve on their own, professional help can be invaluable, says Pataky. ‘A couples therapist or a sex therapist can provide a structured environment to explore these issues, improve specific guidance and strategies for addressing sexual concerns and enhancing the sexual aspect of the relationship,’ she says.

A pro will also be able to remind you that there is no universal ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ amount of sex to have, she says. What’s key is that individuals in the relationships are content, communicating, and consenting to whatever sex-filled, sexless, or sex-occasional dynamic that’s at play.

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