— What parents need to be sure their teens know
Sharing information about common STIs with teens can help them stay safe and healthy.
It’s never easy for parents to talk to their teens about having sex. Many parents feel that talking about it is the same as condoning it, so they are hesitant to do so. But according to the most recent Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRBS), a national survey of high school students, by the end of high school 30% have had sex.
It can be impossible to know for sure if your teen has had sex. Even if they haven’t, it’s likely that at some point they will — and they need to have information to help keep themselves safe and healthy.
What parents should know about sexually transmitted infections
Sexually transmitted infections, or STIs, are very common. They may be caused by bacteria, viruses, or other microorganisms, and spread through all kinds of sex. While most STIs are treatable, they can affect fertility in both women and men, can cause health problems for a baby during pregnancy, and can sometimes lead to lifelong infection or serious complications. That’s why teens need to know about them.
Below are the high-level facts about some of the most common infections: what causes them, what symptoms may occur, and how they are treated.
Science has proven that chronic, low-grade inflammation can turn into a silent killer that contributes to cardiovascular disease, cancer, type 2 diabetes and other conditions. Get simple tips to fight inflammation and stay healthy — from Harvard Medical School experts.
Chlamydia
Chlamydia is the most frequently reported bacterial STI in the United States — but just as many cases are asymptomatic, so the numbers may be higher than we realize.
Symptoms, if they are present, can include discharge from the vagina or penis, pain with urination, or pain and swelling of the testicles (this is rare). A test of the urine (or a swab from the affected area) can diagnose it, and it is curable with antibiotics. If left untreated it can lead to infertility, more commonly in women than men.
Gonorrhea
Gonorrhea is another STI caused by a bacteria, and it can also be asymptomatic. When symptoms occur, they are very similar to chlamydia. Gonorrhea also can cause infertility in both women and men. While it is treatable, some infections have been resistant to the usual antibiotics used, so additional testing and treatment is sometimes needed.
Trichomoniasis
Trichomoniasis is caused by a protozoa. It is another STI that can be asymptomatic. When there are symptoms, they are usually itch, irritation, and discharge. It is curable with medication.
Syphilis
Syphilis has been on the rise. In the first stage of infection there is usually a firm, round, painless sore where the infection entered the body. The sore is generally there for three to six weeks, but as it is painless it may go unnoticed.
In the second stage there is a more extensive rash, though it can be faint and go unnoticed, along with general feelings of illness such as fever, sore throat, fatigue, swollen lymph nodes, or weight loss.
If syphilis still goes unnoticed it can linger in the body for years, sometimes affecting organ systems, including the brain. It is curable with antibiotics, but if found late the damage it can do may be permanent. This infection can be very serious during pregnancy.
HSV
HSV (herpes simplex virus) causes blistering sores. There is both oral herpes (mouth sores) and genital herpes. Oral herpes, caused by HSV1, is not usually caused by sex — but it can lead to genital herpes through oral sex. Genital herpes is more commonly caused by HSV2.
The sores of herpes can recur throughout life. There is no cure for herpes, but there are medications that can shorten or prevent outbreaks. This infection can be particularly dangerous during pregnancy, although the risks can be managed with good prenatal care.
HPV
HPV (human papilloma virus) is the most common sexually transmitted infection. It can be transmitted even by close skin-to-skin touch, and infections are generally asymptomatic.
Most cases of HPV (90%) get better by themselves — but if they don’t, over time the virus can cause genital warts or certain cancers. Luckily, there is an effective vaccine to prevent HPV that can be given starting at age 9.
HIV
HIV (human immunodeficiency virus) is more common among people who have other STIs — mostly because having STIs is a sign of risky sexual behavior. It can be very hard to know if a person has it, because the early symptoms can feel like having the flu, and then people can move into a long period of time of having no symptoms at all.
While there is no cure for HIV, there are medications to control it, as well as medications that can prevent it.
Talking to teens about preventing STIs
All of this sounds scary. But there are actually some simple things teens can do to prevent infections or minimize complications, which is why parents need to talk with them.
Teens can:
- Use condoms every single time they have sex — and use them properly. According to the report mentioned above, about half of sexually active high schoolers don’t use condoms regularly.
- Limit their number of sexual partners — and have frank conversations with those partners before having sex. Asking about sexual history, and getting testing before starting a sexual relationship, can make a difference.
- Get tested regularly. Sexually active teens should be tested for gonorrhea and chlamydia every year, or more frequently based on their sexual history or symptoms. Testing for other infections may be a good idea too. In the YRBS, 95% of high schoolers had not been tested for STIs in the past year, which is frightening given that nearly a third report being sexually active.
Make sure your teen sees their doctor regularly. And encourage them to be honest with their doctor during their visits. As a parent, you can help by giving your teen confidential time alone with the doctor.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
How to Reclaim Intimacy in Romantic Relationships Through Somatic Healing
— Doing the inner work that comes with body work
by Julie Nguyen
As we grow into a world with a destigmatized view of therapy, our collective understanding of what it means to heal from our childhood trauma continues to expand. More and more, we are understanding there’s only so much we can say about our earliest pains before we have to feel our way through.
There are holistic modalities, such as somatic experiencing, that enable us to embrace integrative approaches to therapy—new ways of processing that underscore the importance of a mind-body connection, the symbiotic relationship between stillness and presence, and how the physical release of trapped emotions can rebalance the nervous system.1
Exploring somatic therapy has been healing for my complex PTSD2 and subsequently, has increased intimacy with my partner, who now knows me for me and not my trauma responses. For years, I would talk until I was blue in the face about my early experiences with hyper-independence. But the needle didn’t move until I finally sat with the sadness of being made into a utility. The grief allowed me to embody my disconnected self–just waiting on the other side of intellectualization.
I went to the radical Embody Lab’s Somatic Trauma Healing Immersion to add more skills to my toolkit and interview some of the world’s leading experts on how alternative somatic work can help restore emotional and physical closeness within our relationships. The tips below helped me tremendously. I hope they will help you too.
Reclaiming Intimacy in Romantic Relationships
Intimacy is about establishing trust and safety, where our innermost selves can be nurtured and safely held in a relationship.
Somatic healing, which addresses physical tension and trapped bodily sensations, removes the pent-up barriers that block us from receiving that tenderness. By releasing the stressful grips of past traumas, we open up space for emotional regulation and the capacity to show up fully in intimate moments.
Dr. Scott Lyons, holistic psychologist, founder of the Embody Lab, and author of “Addicted to Drama” explains that trauma gets in the way of experiencing an embodied sense of who we are. “When trauma blocks the bi-directional bridge of vulnerability, we lose contact with ourselves and we’re not able to be in contact with anyone else. We can’t touch or be touched.”
Lyons likens this interpersonal experience to a metaphorical drawbridge. In trauma, the drawbridge is either up where no one can get in or the drawbridge is down when there’s no sense of modulation. The result is too little contact or too much contact at the risk of codependency.
Through somatic healing, vulnerability is no longer disrupted and the levers can be intentionally pulled for connection to take place with a sustained sense of self.
Understanding Somatic Healing for Intimacy
Somatic healing takes a body-first approach. There’s a fundamental belief that the body and mind are inextricably influenced by the other, and by paying attention to the perception of the body, that expression allows for the cathartic healing of stress and trauma on a cellular level.
Research3 reveals this happens through “the completion of thwarted, biologically based, self-protective and defensive responses, and the discharge and regulation of excess autonomic arousal.”
Without awareness, we can bring the stuck energy of flight-or-fight trauma impulses4 into our romantic relationships to negative effect. The benefits of bringing somatics within an intimate context can be profound to pattern out healthier dynamics.
This therapeutic method employs various techniques—breathwork, mindfulness, and body movements—which can help address common negative relationship patterns. These methods support the optimal functioning of the nervous system,5 which includes the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems responsible for our ability to relax.
Trauma can provoke dysregulation in the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems, kicking off cascading side effects such as lower heart rate variability, which has been linked to medical problems such as anxiety, depression, diabetes, and escalated cortisol.6
Lyons notes somatics can be a tool for couples to come back into connection through the contact of their feelings and sensations, instead of engaging in regressive behaviors which won’t lead to resolution.
For repair to occur, he points out we need to let go of old narratives that support avoiding feelings, a pattern that locks couples in conflict. “When something smells, tastes, or sounds like something from the past, the past floods into the moment and we’re no longer in the present,” Lyons says.
This can obscure what’s happening as the behaviors of unmet childhood needs manifest into the driver’s seat of the relationship. He continues, “We cannot be in an adult relationship if a child is in the driver’s seat. There’s a radical responsibility to witness if our little kid is in the driver’s seat of our behaviors and actions, and how that can act out an unmet need as opposed to being in the feeling of the unmet need and expressing it.”
Exploring the Impact of Relationship Patterns
Physician Gabor Mate and author of Myth of Normal, explains that the negative and positive templates for our relationships are formed by the emotional resonances from our earliest caregivers aka attachment theory.< “If a child is heard, listened to, understood, and validated, they’ll have confidence in themselves. That’s what they’ll expect and look for in a relationship. If they were misunderstood, not seen, or worse, hurt and abused, then they tend to look for love from the kind of people that they first wanted love from,” Mate explains.
Dr. Scott Lyons, holistic psychologist
When trauma blocks the bi-directional bridge of vulnerability, we lose contact with ourselves and we’re not able to be in contact with anyone else. We can’t touch or be touched.
— Dr. Scott Lyons, holistic psychologist
Additionally, when we are stressed, our prefrontal cortex7 shuts down which weakens our rational thinking and conscious self-control, causing internal panic and inhibited decision-making within our relationships.
According to Mate, when there’s a relational blow-up of some kind, that’s often the result of trauma. “Look at the word ‘trigger.’ The reason that ‘trigger’ works is because there’s ammunition and an explosive charge,” he explains.
“If we can examine what’s behind the emotional charge, then we don’t have to blame the other person for making us feel this way. If both members of a couple recognize that and they want to work on it, the sky’s the limit.”
Techniques for Reclaiming Intimacy Through Somatic Healing
Below are a few somatic healing techniques to help build resilience, nurture feelings of non-judgmental calmness, and increase awareness so we can have more presence with ourselves and others.
Take a Breath and Ground Yourself
Take several slow, deep breaths, ensuring that your exhalations are longer than your inhalations. This type of breathing can help to calm your nervous system and encourage the physical body to relax. When you are physically feeling more relaxed, you can check in with about yourself, your feelings, and your needs with more presence, awareness, and groundedness.
“When we’re feeling disconnected or sped up, agency and consent can be confusing. Pause to take a breath and ask yourself if this feels right and if it’s wanted in the moment,” says Dr. Arielle Schwartz, clinical psychologist, PhD. “Ask, ‘Am I engaging in activities in this relationship that’s right for me? Or because I think this is who you want me to be?’” This type of grounding can be effective to ensure we don’t lose ourselves in our connection.
Build Out Your Somatic Vocabulary
Being aware of our bodily awareness and how it relates to our well-being can help with emotional management. Lyons recommends building out a somatic vocabulary with interoceptive awareness aka understanding what’s happening internally. “It could be starting to recognize basic things like your breath or fullness in your bladder. Then it gets into more nuance of sensations, feelings, or needs.”
Try “Titration”
Peter Levine, developer of Somatic Experiencing and author of Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey, shares titration as a resourcing practice to slow down and widen our window of tolerance to controllable segments.
From a somatic experiencing perspective, titration is a practice of slowing things down and only working with small and manageable bits of challenging experiences at a time. It can look like pausing, taking time to notice sensations in the body that correspond to what is being spoken about, and allowing the body’s sensations to move towards completion of protective responses that may not have been able to be completed in the past.
“We don’t want to do too much too soon. It’s important to just do the smallest amount to make a shift for a chance,” Levine recommends.
Take a Pause, Give Yourself Space
Lyons advises having a redo during a rupture. During a fight, we can take a pause and give ourselves space to walk away and physically shake our body out for regulation. Then reconnect and speak from a place of what we’re feeling and what we weren’t able to acknowledge prior. “We stay out of the dramatic narrative which is ‘he said, she said’ and stay in the reflective, somatic narrative which is what we’re feeling.”
It can take 20 to 30 minutes for your body to calm down from a triggered state so it is recommended individuals take a 20-30 minute break to regulate. During this time, it is important not to think about or rehash the triggering experience and it may be helpful to go on a walk, listen to music, or practicing a breathing technique like 4-7-8 breathing.
Seek Support From a Somatic-Trained Therapist
Schwartz suggests seeking out support from a somatic-trained therapist, somatic experiencing therapist, or sensorimotor psychotherapist who works with couples.
“It’s part of being human, it’s a little scary to drop in and feel. Therapy is a tremendous, compassionate gift because you are hiring a trained listener and a trained observer. A somatic therapist can help you drop in because if neither member of a partnership has that training, there’s no co-regulator,” says Schwartz.
Navigating Trauma and Healing in Romantic Relationships
When our trauma isn’t transformed, it will be transmitted which causes significant challenges for attachment, trust, and closeness. By learning how to be aware of our mind-body connection and changing our unhealthy behaviors, we can overcome roadblocks to intimacy.
“The mind goes at lightning speed while the body is a much slower communicator,” Schwartz says. “We can’t have intimacy until we can sense ourselves, what we’re feeling, and know what we’re needing so we can bridge the gap between the self and another.”
Levine shares that when we’re able to share ourselves and our sexuality with another, it’s a gift beyond measure. Yet it takes time to harness the powerful energies of emotion to get to that place. “Practice, practice, practice sharing and take turns. Person A says what they’re experiencing and then person B says what they’re experiencing. Sometimes, it’s difficult to recognize when we are in fight, flight, freeze, or shut down. This exploration takes self-compassion.”
Building Emotional Connection, Communication, and Trust
Emotional connection and trust are foundational pillars of intimacy in all relationships. When we acknowledge our emotions and give full weight to them, our bodies calm down knowing it will be listened to and believed. As a result, this felt safety supports honesty and authenticity about who we are with our beloved, washing away people-pleasing and performative tendencies.
Through emotionally corrective experiences, where we’ve been empathetic events that challenge the negative self-beliefs informed by trauma, trust between self and others can thrive.
Here are a few elements needed to cultivate emotional intimacy, trust, and communication somatically:
- Mirroring. Mirroring a partner, such as adjusting body language to match theirs, enhances the feeling of acceptance. Other synchronized movements include mindful touch and breathwork which has been dramatically proven to improve symptoms of anxiety, fear, depression, and trauma8
- Creating a safe container.When we are feeling and want to express our emotions, we want to know our partner can hold space without interruption, criticism, avoidance, or judgment. When our partner speaks, we can focus on being present with them and their words and observing their physical body to be aware of how they are feeling. Knowing we have this support and presence can help build and strengthen trust.
- Active listening. Active listening activates the reward system9 with positive emotional appraisal, making it easier to reflect on personal experiences, recognize and release cognitive biases, ask open-ended questions, foster more empathy, and maintain a settled body. Seeing our partner want to understand improves conversation because we can somatically rest in conversation knowing we will be heard.
- Non-violent communication. By observing the body signals with the self and our partner (movement, touch, gesture, habits, tics) and using non-violent communication’s compassionate approach to express those needs, couples can connect deeper with peaceful conflict resolution.
Maintaining Intimacy in the Long Term
Intimacy is built up over time but sometimes life, work, kids, and past emotional injuries can get in the way. When we aren’t feeling connected to our partner, it’s hard to state our needs and even harder to feel sensual and have sex. Schwartz notes, “It’s normal to have dry spells in long-term relationships. “To sustain intimacy, we need mutual commitment and the willingness to have some of those open conversations.”
Schwartz says it can start small before jumping into sex. Perhaps it’s an intentional meal together without the kids or foregoing phones in the bedroom for conversation. If there’s been more conflict, it’s vital to attune to any buried conflicts. “If we have a small rupture and we don’t address them, it builds into resentment, distancing, disconnect, and untrustworthiness.”
In tandem, she explains to re-establish sexual intimacy, self-care–which is the relationship with ourselves–is needed so we can connect to our bodies. “If we’ve ignored the body for a long time and knock on the door to come back in after a certain amount of time of not reconnecting, the body may not trust you or want to let you in the room because it’s felt ignored or abandoned. We might need to make amends to the body to reconnect and rebuild trust within ourselves.”
She notes this could look like doing somatic practices for a few minutes every day, placing one hand over the heart and one hand over the belly to breathe and staying with the emotions.
What This Means for You
I’ve learned it’s not about what’s wrong with you but what happened to you. By opening the heart and attending to the mind-body connection, we can experience multifaceted healing.
Our romantic relationships offer a pathway for this level of self-inquiry since our partners often serve as the ultimate mirror. When trauma distorts the reflection, our unconscious wounds and discordant beliefs are brought forward to heal from. But relationships don’t have to feel this way when we learn the proper techniques to move away from reaction to resourcing.
Through somatic healing, we can reclaim intimacy and step into the wholeness we were always meant to experience.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Six Ways That Sex Changes After Sobriety
— We spoke with people who have given up drugs and alcohol about the clarity, awkwardness, and pleasure of sex after getting clean.
There is no universal experience of sobriety, but when GQ spoke with a range of people who have given up drugs and alcohol, there was unanimous consensus that it changed their relationship to sex. “Pretty much everything changed when I got sober, and sex was no different,” said Andrew, a 38-year-old from Columbus, OH, who has been sober for over two years (and who, like others in this story, asked to only be identified by his first name). Everyone we spoke with about sex post-sobriety, expressed this idea in one way or another. They all also talked about how intimacy generally improved after getting sober—but also emphasized how difficult it was to adjust to having sex without drugs or alcohol.
Across the board, they agreed that, despite the difficulty, sex was better in many ways—that it was one of the many improvements to their lives that made sobriety worth it.
One woman, Liz, 43, from Des Moines, IA, who has been sober for over a year, described “the amount of pleasure that I have experienced! I didn’t know my body was capable of this,” she said. Rob, 32, from Bethesda, MD, who has been sober for 8 years, agreed: “There are no aspects of my life post-sobriety—including, and in some ways especially, romantically and sexually—that are not markedly better.”
Every person we spoke with mentioned sober sex feeling like it was an entirely new skill they had to learn.
“Before I got clean, sex had a clear purpose: It filled a void. Like the drugs. And like the drugs I sort of chased it, but once I got clean, I didn’t know really where to ‘put’ sex. You know, and that’s sort of been my growth with sex.”—Keith, 41, Columbus, OH. Nine years sober.
“In a way, it kind of felt like losing my virginity again. Everything about getting sober is hard at first. It is relearning how to live life from the ground up, and that applies to sex the same way it applies to being in a relationship, whether it’s romantic or platonic. Just being in the world is unfamiliar in most ways, and that can be scary at first; it can be intimidating at first. It can often not go that well at first. But, if you are honest and patient and willing to put in the work, for me personally, it has always been worth it. And it has always been better.” —Rob
“I’m not the same person that I was a year ago. I’m not just sober, I’m working a recovery program. So I have substantially changed over the course of the past year. I don’t like the same thing sexually that I used to like. I don’t want the same things that I used to want. All of this is very foreign and confusing for my partner.” —Liz
“Now when people aren’t performing, I communicate with them, like ‘Hey, this isn’t really working.’ Some people still don’t get it. But when I was not sober, I was like, ‘It’s fine, they’ll figure it out. I’m having a great time.’” —Maria, 35, Toronto, ON. Five years sober.
The word that came up the most often was probably “present.” Each person spoke about feeling like they were much more fully aware during sex, but they also mentioned the occasional downsides of that.
“I think the biggest thing for me is that I’m more present. Present in the situation, just more aware than I ever was before. When you’re drinking, especially like I was where it was every night, you’re kind of a shell of a person. And that includes even when you’re having sex. You’re not there. When you’re sober, you’re present. You’re there. You’re more aware, more receptive, more in tune with everything.” —Andrew
How to Talk About Sex
— (Even if You Really Don’t Want To)
Many couples find it hard to open up about their intimate lives, but these tips can guide the way.
As a reporter who covers sex and intimacy, I spend a lot of time listening to experts extol the virtues of open, honest communication. To have good sex — and to keep having good sex over time — couples must be willing to talk about it, they say.
But some people would rather leave their relationships than have those conversations, said Jeffrey Chernin, a marriage and family therapist and the author of “Achieving Intimacy: How to Have a Loving Relationship That Lasts” — especially if things in the bedroom aren’t going particularly well.
“One of the things I often say to couples who are having trouble is: ‘I wish there was another way through this,’” he said. “But the only way I know to have a better sex life, or to resume your sex life, is to discuss it.”
Dr. Chernin acknowledged how stressful those conversations can be, sometimes deteriorating into finger-pointing, belittling or stonewalling. That said, these suggestions may help.
Embrace the awkwardness.
It’s common for partners to have trouble talking about intimacy and desire. Research suggests that even in long-term relationships, people know only about 60 percent of what their partner likes sexually, and only about 25 percent of what they don’t like.
Cyndi Darnell, a sex and relationships therapist in New York City, said her patients frequently tell her that talking about sex is “awkward” — which is especially true “if you’ve spent months or years avoiding it,” she said.
“We’ve been tricked into believing sex is natural,” she added. “But, if it were easy and natural, people wouldn’t struggle with it as much as they do.”
She mentioned one couple she worked with, both in their 50s, who hadn’t had sex in years. Every time they talked about it, they fought. So they sought outside help to get past their embarrassment and anger.
In therapy, they realized that they had only been focused on penetration, but the husband was really longing for closeness and tenderness. And once the wife realized that her husband was not going to “pounce on her” whenever she cuddled with him, they were able to be more sensual with each other — and to talk about what they like to do and why, Ms. Darnell said. But it took a spirit of willingness, curiosity and acceptance.
Death to ‘We need to talk.’
It may be possible to temper the dread that often accompanies these conversations, if you approach them sensitively. “When a partner says, ‘We need to talk,’ Dr. Chernin said, “the other person feels like, ‘I’m going to the principal’s office.’”
Instead, try to:
Focus on problem-solving together
That means saying something like: “On the one hand, I know how difficult this is for us to talk about,” Dr. Chernin said. “On the other hand, I think it’s important for our marriage or for our relationship to be able to have some discussions about our sex life.”
Then ask: “What can we do about it?”
Prepare questions ahead of time
A script offers scaffolding, Ms. Darnell said. She suggested prompts like: “Our relationship is really important to me, and I’d like for sex to be part of it (again). I was curious if that is something you’d be into also?”
Bring in some positives
Maggie Bennett-Brown, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and an assistant professor at Texas Tech University, said “it doesn’t have to be explicit.” Maybe you tell your partner that you like it when he hugs you or plans a romantic night on the town.
If it has been a while since you were intimate, it can help to reminisce — and that can segue into a deeper question. “If people have never had a conversation about: ‘What do you enjoy?’ that’s a good first step,” Dr. Bennett-Brown said.
Be mindful of your timing
Be careful about initiating a discussion about sex while in bed, Dr. Chernin said, particularly if you are being critical. (Though some couples may find it easier to talk about sex when they are basking in the afterglow, he said.)
“Think about a conversation as a series of discussions,” Dr. Chernin said. “That way, you’re not putting too much pressure on yourself or your partner.”
Know when to talk to a professional.
If your partner is unwilling to talk — or if the conversation feels painful, not just uncomfortable, Ms. Darnell said — a sex therapist or couples counselor may be able to help mediate.
She did not downplay how high-stakes these conversations can be. But she added that sex may not always be a necessary component of a satisfying romantic relationship.
“One of the questions I often ask my couples for whom sex is a tenuous and difficult issue is: Does this relationship have to be sexual?” she said. She worked with one couple in their 30s and 40s who realized they liked engaging in flirty banter, but did not want to move beyond that. “Permission to not have sex at this phase of their relationship was huge — and a relief,” she said.
“Sex is about so much more than just what we do when our pants are off,” she said.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
What Does ‘Enough’ Sex Really Look Like in a Healthy Relationship?
— Is once a week really the sweet spot? We asked experts to weigh in.
By Jenna Ryu
You may have heard from a therapist, know-it-all acquaintance, or your favorite advice columnist that couples should aim to have sex at least once a week to keep their relationship happy and thriving. But how legit is this yardstick—and should you worry if your own sex life isn’t measuring up?
It’s hard to trace the exact origins of this supposedly magic number, but some experts credit a popular 2016 study, which found that banging once a week was the sweet spot for relationship satisfaction. (Doing it more frequently didn’t increase participants’ reported happiness, and doing it less was associated with lower fulfillment.) The truth is, though, there’s no one-size-satisfies-all answer to how often you should be having sex—no matter what the research may say.
That’s because every relationship is different, and a single statistic shouldn’t be used as a prescription for all couples, says Lexx Brown-James, PhD, LMFT, AASECT-certified sex therapist and director of the Sexual Health Certificate Program at the University of Michigan. “There’s a whole host of external things [unrelated to attraction] that can affect how often you do or don’t have sex in a given week,” Dr. Brown-James says—like work stress, for instance, parental responsibilities, and simply not being in the mood. Not to mention, there are plenty of couples out there who aren’t sexual but are still perfectly happy and healthy, she adds.
You should also know that pressuring yourself to meet a certain quota may actually hurt, not help, the quality of your love life, Casey Tanner, MA, LCPC, AASECT-certified sex therapist and author of Feel it All: A Therapist’s Guide to Reimagining Your Relationship With Sex, tells SELF. “Setting these numerical goals might encourage people to approach sex with problematic ‘shoulds,’ like ‘we should have had sex by now, it’s been two weeks!’” Tanner says. Also, banging because you “have to” (and not because you want to) is a “great way to build resentment in relationships,” Dr. Brown-James adds—which “creates emotional and physical distance, leading to mistrust, miscommunication, and tension.”
Simply put, there is no golden rule for how often you and your partner need to bone in order to be “healthy.” “In my experience, I’ve met happy couples having sex once a year who are far more connected than those having it once a week,” Tanner says. So instead of fixating on the frequency, what really matters is that everyone involved feels safe, comfortable, and fulfilled.
If you’re unsure about whether your sex life is really doing it for you, here are a few helpful signs to look out for in your relationship.
1. You look forward to having sex.
In other words, you shouldn’t be annoyed, feel guilty, or approach it with a “let’s get this over with” attitude. According to Tanner, these reactions are inevitable when you’re having sex out of obligation, rather than genuine desire—which might be the case if you’re striving to meet that “perfect” once-a-week quota. (Unnecessary pressure might just kill your sexual chemistry in the long run, she warns.)
On the flip side, when you’re actually happy with how things are going in the bedroom, you’ll look forward to those moments of physical connection, no matter how often they happen, Tanner says. Of course, that doesn’t mean you’ll always be in the mood when your partner is, or that you’ll stay as horny as you were during the dirty honeymoon phase. But basically, you should still feel a sense of desire, happiness, and excitement when they’re kissing, fondling, and, well, fucking you.
2. The sex feels satisfying.
Quality is more important than quantity, Tanner says. So instead of getting hung up on the number of times you’re getting busy, it’s more helpful to tune into how you feel while it’s happening. Some questions she suggests asking yourself: “Are you feeling connected to your partner? Is the sex affirming, validating, and meaningful? Is it moving at a pace that’s right for you? Are the activities involved the ones that give you the most pleasure?”
Saying yes to all of the above is a pretty solid sign that your needs are, indeed, getting satisfied. If something is lacking, though, you may need to work together to get on the same (hot) page. Might we suggest browsing through our handy little guide on how to have more transformative and romantic sex? Or, these expert-approved tips to feel closer to your partner?
3. You’re comfortable telling your partner what you do (and don’t) want.
Maybe you’re curious about experimenting with sex toys for the first time. Or your go-to positions are getting kind of boring and you want to try new ones that get you hot and horny. Another good indicator of a thriving sex life is feeling safe enough to voice your needs, wants, and concerns (if something isn’t working), Dr. Brown-James says.
Open communication is the foundation of a healthy sex life since it builds trust and prevents relatively minor issues (like the fact that you’re the only one initiating, for example) from growing into full-blown resentment, which is much harder to fix.
Realistically, though, talking about your pent-up frustrations or dirtiest fantasies can sometimes get awkward. In that case, you might want to try bringing these things up casually—rather than making the conversation a super serious “we need to talk” moment. This approach can help you both recognize that keeping the lines of sexual communication open for business doesn’t have to be so intimidating—and can even be fun!
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
People with disabilities have sex too
– So why do some doctors think otherwise?
Disabled people have sex. They even enjoy it.
I’ve interviewed disabled people about their intimate lives for over two decades. I’ve also spoken to countless parents, carers and professionals about issues that relate to this. When I heard that Kat Watkins, who is a wheelchair user, said a doctor assumed she didn’t have sex because of her disability, I wasn’t surprised. This is a story I’ve heard many times before as part of my research and is something many disabled people have experienced.
I first wrote about sex and disability in 1999. I explored the practice of “facilitated sex”, which refers to supporting a disabled person with all aspects of their sexual expression. It was a subject that had received little attention before this, and it caused a bit of a stir at the university where I worked at the time.
Although we live in an increasingly sexualised culture, talking about sex is still taboo, even for researchers. Sex research is notoriously underfunded even though sex is an important part of most people’s lives. When I interview disabled people, they often tell me it’s the first time they’ve talked about sex. Although I’ve heard this many times now, it still jars.
Very little has changed since then for disabled people, particularly for those who have visible disabilities or learning disabilities. This is because it makes it harder for them to pass as non-disabled. Being able to pass means they are less likely to face barriers or discrimination.
Disabled people are routinely infantilised and desexualised. When disabled people are infantilised they are treated as eternal children who should be protected from harm. They are spoken to in patronising voices, or not spoken to at all, with comments and questions being directed at family members or carers, rather than to disabled people themselves.
Ableism
Infantilisation contributes to the desexualisation of disabled people. Many people assume that disabled people can’t have sex or don’t want to. Assumptions like this might seem unimportant to some, but they speak volumes about society’s ableist values and beliefs.
Ableism describes how disabled people are discriminated against within a society that assumes being non-disabled is the norm. At best, these ableist assumptions are dismissive and upsetting, just another barrier to overcome. At worst, they put people’s lives at risk.
Not being able to talk about sex openly and frankly contributes to the barriers that disabled people face. Research studies show that health and social care professionals have limited training and confidence in discussing sex with disabled people.
The World Health Organization estimates that HPV (human papillomavirus) vaccination and cervical screening programmes could prevent 62 million deaths globally by 2120. However, UK research suggests that disabled women – like Kat Watkins – can’t always access cervical screening and that one in five physically disabled women have been assumed not to be sexually active by their doctor.
There is also some evidence to suggest that the HPV vaccine is less likely to be given to adolescents with learning disabilities. This may be for different reasons. Disabled children are more likely to be absent from school but ableist attitudes are probably at play here too.
They are more vulnerable to sexual abuse and coercion than their non-disabled peers. They are nearly three times more likely to experience sexual violence than non-disabled children. Disabled adults are twice as likely to have been abused as children than other adults. Even these statistics are unlikely to reveal the truth of abuse – many disabled people have disclosed unreported sexual abuse and violence to me as part of my research.
Disabled children are often removed from sex and relationships education in school, typically by parents, who assume it isn’t important. Although many parents don’t do this – and are formidable advocates for their disabled children – it’s widely recognised that parents can be over-protective. This comes from a place of love and concern but can be counterproductive at times.
Disabled children, young people and adults have a right to age appropriate, accessible information that helps them understand their bodies and recognise healthy relationships. Access to information and support about sex and relationships helps keep people safe, as well as experience pleasure and joy.
If you would like more information or to talk to someone about any issues raised in this article, here are some recommended resources:
– Enhance the UK, a user-led charity that runs the global campaign Undressing Disability – a resource for information, education and networking within the world of disability and sexuality – and the Love Lounge, which provides free online advice on sex and love for disabled people.
– Choice Support, which hosts the Supported Loving Network to support autistic people and people with learning disabilities to get the support they need to form and maintain loving relationships.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Feel It All
— Queer Therapist Casey Tanner Invites You to Have Your Own Sexual Awakening
Part guide, part personal narrative, the book busts shame-filled myths around gender and sexuality.
For most of us, the idea of sex education brings up some uncomfortable and often embarrassing memories, whether it’s classes segregated by gender that explain the oncoming terror of puberty, or the endless litany of warnings about STIs and unplanned pregnancy with no room for any sex positivity. It’s no wonder that this culture of sex negativity has led us to experience all sorts of anxiety around intimacy.
Queer sex therapist Casey Tanner has already been doing her part to combat sex misinformation in sessions with clients, and through her insightful Instagram account, where she has accrued a large following. Tanner, who uses she/they pronouns, offers insights ranging from the factual, such as signs you’ve had an orgasm, to those that bust prevailing myths around sexuality, like reminding her followers that someone’s gender presentation doesn’t determine their sexual interests. (Not every masc has to love topping, for example, and not every bisexual fancies each gender equally.)
Their debut book Feel It All, out now from Harper, draws from their expertise as a trauma-informed therapist to dispel even more myths around sexuality, giving all of us the chance to benefit from their wisdom. Part guide, part personal narrative, the book details Tanner’s own journey from evangelical youth leader to queer sex therapist, all while helping us to understand the origin of our misconceptions around intimacy. It’s a book that recognizes the shared societal trauma of sexual miseducation while encouraging the reader to understand the nuance of their own experiences. With a gentle hand, Tanner helps us understand how our parents, friends, teachers, and a capitalist society have all impacted our intimate relationships with each other and, just as importantly, ourselves.
Ahead of the release of Feel It All, Tanner spoke with Them about the origin of her debut book, the shortcomings of sex education, and the power of queer enthusiasm.
Feel It All: A Therapist’s Guide to Reimagining Your Relationship with Sex by Casey Tanner
What was the starting point for Feel It All?
I think the starting point of this book happened 10 years ago, when I was sitting in an inpatient residential psychiatric facility, and had been struggling with my mental health for a long time. I sort of had an epiphany when I realized that I was queer. None of my mental health providers had ever considered that my sexuality might have anything to do with my mental health. And it was at that point that I was like, “Oh my gosh, why are not enough people connecting these dots? And how can I connect these dots for myself?”
That started my own journey in sex therapy, which then led me to become a sex therapist. So when I think about the starting point for Feel It All, I really think about that version of me that never in a million years would have imagined that I would have written this book, but really, really needed this book.
That’s one of the things that I love about this book: how you chose to mix traditional nonfiction with personal insights to tell us your story. Why was that an important part of it?
I think whenever a therapist is talking about mental health, it can be really easy for there to be this divide between this healer and the people that are healing — and that divide isn’t real. That doesn’t exist. Every single therapist that I know has been on their own journey, so by using my own story as an example, I was hoping to start painting a picture of how diverse sexual awakenings can look: “Here’s my sexual awakening, but here are 10 of my clients’ sexual awakenings, and every single one of them is different.”
I wanted my readers to know that I have sat on both sides of the chair, right? I’ve been in the client chair and the therapist chair, and that the division between the two isn’t some lofty sexual perfection that no one can attain. And [I wanted them to know] that my starting point was rock bottom, just like a lot of other folks.
I’ve always had a different image of what a sexual awakening would look like. But then my sexual awakening came during the pandemic when I was isolated from sex and I got to have a think back over everything. My initial response to this book was thinking it was kind of a sex therapy session for queer people. But I think there’s actually way more to it. Would you say Feel It All is for everyone?
I think it’s time that everybody gets to learn sex ed from queer people, so I hope everybody reads it. The language that I teach in the book is language that is relevant to everybody. I don’t think that expansiveness is just for queer people; I think it is for everybody.
Feel It All certainly invites readers to have their own sexual awakening, so for those of us coming into our queerness later on, how would you work to undo the anxiety around being inexperienced?
I like to say to people who are coming out later on that no time was wasted. I mean, if you weren’t spending your 20s — or the period of time before coming out — exploring your queerness, it’s not like you weren’t doing anything: you were still getting to know yourself, you were still developing, and there’s a ton of knowledge that you still bring to the table. So I first like to point that out.
I think secondly, inexperienced people can bring an enthusiasm and curiosity to the table that experienced people can lack. I think there’s a real gift in being with somebody who’s coming to the table, curious and open and enthusiastic, because I really believe enthusiasm is like 80% of what makes sex great. So lean into that hard.
I would also say, don’t make any hard and fast rules for yourself around whether or not you disclose that it’s your first time doing something. If you want to tell somebody, “Hey, this is my first queer date” or “This is my first time having queer sex” — if that lowers your anxiety, awesome, have that conversation. But if it raises your anxiety, you don’t owe that information to anybody. You get to decide on your timeline.
That’s definitely something that comes up for me a lot is whether I need to lay all of my information out. Then I work my way back from that and remind myself that no one has ever given me the lowdown on their sexual history.
It’s because we have been taught paradoxical things about our value as a sexual partner: the more people we sleep with, the less value we have, but the less experience we have, the less value we have, right? Either way, we end up not feeling valuable. The reality is that your value as a sexual partner has nothing to do with the experience that you’ve had before or after.
It does feel really like you have to undo the virginity myth in your head.
It helps when you realize what a joke it is that we’re all supposed to be these pure virgins who are also amazing at sex, right? Like, the standard is impossible! There’s just no way. Nobody can do that.
Sex therapists and erotica authors share their best tips for navigating gender dysphoria in the bedroom.
One of the things that comes through is the importance of exploring queerness in other ways and not defining it solely by who you’re having sex with, or how you’re having sex.
It’s the virginity myth all over again, right? Like, it’s just being applied to queer people. It’s this idea that we haven’t solidified our identities until we have had sex in those identities.
And it’s a double standard, right? Straight people don’t have to have sex to prove that they’re straight. Why do we?
I think it’s a harmful thing to queer people to equate queerness with queer sex, right? I think the longer you are queer, the more it invades every area of your life, even if it maybe starts out as just being sexual. It just feels like a huge minimization of what queerness is to equate it with having sex.
What do you hope that people are going to get out of Feel It All?
I hope people walk away willing to surprise themselves, no matter how old they are, no matter where they are, or what kind of relationship they’re in. I hope that people let go of this idea that they are ever a fully formed sexual person and that there’s nothing left to surprise them or awaken them. And I hope they go out with new language, new eyes, new ways of connecting, and through that process, have a more secure relationship with sex.
This conversation has been edited and condensed for clarity.
Feel It All is available now via Harper.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Does sex get better with age?
— A sexologist explains how to improve your sex life as you get older
Lots of people would rather not think about what sex will be like later in life.
Partly because younger people might struggle with the idea that older people, in fact, do have sex and partly because there’s a myth that sex is only enjoyable when you’re young and beautiful.
Linda Kirkman is a Bendigo-based sexologist and works with clients of all ages.
Dr Kirkman says while there are no absolutes, sex can certainly get better as you age.
“[My PhD] research shows … that people in their 50s and 60s were having the best sex of their lives,” Dr Kirkman says.
She says part of the reason is a shift in social pressure and what’s expected in relationships.
“If people start out in relationships where they’re both committed to prioritising positive sexuality and willing to be adventurous and explore and prioritise pleasure, then [sex] in a long-term relationship tends to just get better and better with age,” Dr Kirkman says.
She says sex often didn’t improve with age when it’s seen as a duty or chore.
“Part of the issue is really poor sexuality education, understanding about what pleasure is possible, and how to communicate about it.”
‘I have just as much desire as I had when I was younger’
Phil, who wants to use just his first name to protect his privacy, is a 67-year-old from the Goulburn Valley who says, in many ways, sex does get better with age.
“You become more aware, more unselfish in your action, and unhurried in the whole thing and that’s just wonderful,” he says.
Phil had been married for 25 years and then had a long-term partner for another seven years, but now is searching for “that magical connection”.
He says his biggest misconception growing up was that as you got older you wouldn’t bother with sex.
“I thought desire would fall off [but] I have just as much desire as I had when I was younger,” Phil says.
He says he thinks men’s interests change in sex as they grow older.
“You realise that when you’re a young bloke … you’re looking to satisfy yourself, it can be very selfish. But when you grow older, you become much more generous,” Phil says.
Phil says he enjoys non-sexual foreplay, whether it’s cooking a meal, watching a movie, or sitting and talking.
“Sex is just the icing on the cake as far as I’m concerned. I think sometimes guys look at sex as being the be all and end all and I think that’s quite wrong. I think it’s the culmination of intimacy.”
He says while his physical capabilities have changed over time, he feels like there’s more to it.
“I can remember making love to someone about five times in an afternoon as a young man. There’s no way in the world I could do that now. But I can still satisfy the partner that I have … in different ways,” he says.
Sex is not only for the young and beautiful
Dr Kirkman says there is certainly a trope that old people having sex is somehow “icky”, which can influence how people feel about themselves.
She says people can fall into the trap that sex is only for young and beautiful people.
“The most important sex organ is between your ears … it’s your brain, how you think about sex, and what it means doing pleasure,” she says.
Dr Kirkman says some media are changing perceptions around sex and ageing like Grace and Frankie — a show about 70-year-old women looking for love and sex.
“I think [the stigma around sex and age] is improving and people are being more open to positive relationships across their life span and changing partners or finding a new partner,” she says.
Not limitations but possibilities
Dr Kirkman says people’s sexual preferences and abilities change over time.
“When you were in your 20s, what car did you drive and what music did you listen to? And then in your 40s, and what about in your 60s?” Dr Kirkman says.
“You’re not driving the same car. The car you drive now will have very different kinds of capacities and options from the car you drove when you were 20 — so don’t expect your body or the way that you engage with it to be the same.
“It’s just being open to work[ing] differently with what you’ve got.”
“There’s still nerve endings and the potential for connection and pleasure and sensation.
“And devices that are specifically designed to induce and maintain an erection without using injections or other drugs.”
Similarly, your music taste changes over time as do your sexual interests.
Some people realise when they get older that their sexuality or gender identity might not be as rigid as they thought.
“Some people are transitioning in their 60s or coming out as same-sex attracted or bisexual when they’re older,” Dr Kirkman says.
“With age and also a sense of running out of time — if you’re not going to do it now, when are you going to try this?”
Sex in elder care
Council on the Ageing Victoria’s education manager Frankie Freeman says people’s sexuality is sometimes ignored or denied in aged care facilities.
“There’s probably a tendency for those settings to be a little bit restrictive … [and not acknowledge that adults] are entitled to take some level of risk and have some autonomy [over] how they run their life,” Ms Freeman says.
She says older people may find it difficult to have conversations with medical professionals on things like lubrication and erectile dysfunction.
“While they are absolutely [a] natural [part of ageing], unfortunately, they’re seen as inevitable … when actually there are interventions that can be put in place to respond or prevent some of those symptoms that impact on people’s sex lives.”
Celebrating Ageing director Catherine Barrett has co-edited a book about the sexual rights of older people.
“There’s stigma [about sex] in aged care, and that the stigma comes from service providers, it comes from other residents, but it also comes from family members,” Dr Barrett says.
Dr Barrett says a lack of sex education for older people is part of the reason there are high rates of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) in these demographics.
“They haven’t been given information on sexual rights, they haven’t been given sexuality education, as we have with young people,” she says.
Dr Barrett says ageism underpins the stigma older people face about sex.
“That’s why we’ve taken the rights-based framework because we want to say to people: this is a really fundamental human right that older people have to be sexual,” she says.
She says while some providers are taking this on board there is still a way to go.
“Intimate relationships [are] incredibly important for older people and that can be a real bright spot.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Why Age-Gap Relationships Are So Sexually Satisfying For Older Women
— Experts explain how age-gap relationships work in real life—not just in The Idea Of You.
By Olivia Bria
The new romantic comedy, The Idea of You, based of the popular book of the same title, explores the beauty of age-gap relationships—specifically when an older woman dates a younger man. In this case, a 40-year-old single mom (played by Anne Hathaway) finds an unexpected romance with a 24-year-old boy band singer (Nicholas Galitzine).
These types of relationships have appeared in the spotlight with what seems like more frequency in recent years. Take, for example, Kristin Cavallari, 37, who is newly dating 24-year-old TikTokker Mark Estes.
Women are reaping the benefits of these relationships, too. According to a 2024 poll, 57 percent of women who date younger are more likely to rate their relationship “good to excellent” in the sexual satisfaction and fulfillment category. And 74 percent of older women dating younger men with an age gap of 10 years or more reported a “good to excellent” physical connection.
“We tend to have all kinds of assumptions about why people get into relationships with much younger people,” says Sarah E. Hill, PhD, a research psychologist and consultant for Cougar Life. However, the number-one thing this poll highlighted was these relationships were “the result of an organic connection between a couple of people who didn’t let age get in the way,” she explains.
Ahead, relationship experts weigh in on why it’s becoming more common for older women to date younger men—and what makes these types of relationships so satisfying.
More and more people are realizing that age is just a number.
Back in colonial times, it was pretty common for older men to marry younger women, in part because “there were more men than there were women, and that pushed the age of first marriage[s] for women down because there weren’t enough of them,” says Nicholas L. Syrett, PhD, a professor of women, gender, and sexuality studies at the University of Kansas.
But in the present day, age isn’t even a deciding factor for many modern daters, according to a 2023 study conducted by Bumble. It found that 59 percent of women are specifically open to dating someone younger than them.
Plus, research has shown that the older you become, the less you care what others think. Approximately 23 percent of those between the ages of 18 to 34 are afraid of judgment from age-gap dating, while only seven percent of Americans ages 55 and up are concerned about societal opinion on their relationship.
A 2019 study in Gender and Society also busted the “cougar” stereotype that older women are typically the ones pursuing young men instead of the other way around. In a series of interviews with 55 women ages 30 to 60 who dated younger men, most women said they weren’t the initiators of the relationship—and that trend was even more pronounced among women interviewed over 40.
Meanwhile, older women are also often desexualized as they age. “We tend to, as a society, look at older women as a dwindling flame in life,” says Kate Balestrieri, PhD, a licensed psychologist, certified sex therapist, and founder of Modern Intimacy based in Los Angeles. “We really can minimize how vibrant and dynamic their 40s, 50s, 60s, and above can be.”
Older women find relationships with younger men satisfying for a variety of reasons.
Women are often very intentional, and the wisdom that comes with age plays into who they choose to date, says Gigi Engle, a certified sex and relationship psychotherapist, sex expert at the LGBTQIA+ dating app, Taimi, and the author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life. “A lot of women are conditioned to make their sexual pleasure secondary to their partners,” Balestrieri adds.
So, if the woman has spent the majority of her life raising children or has come out of a marriage, being with a younger man is “very exciting and very tempting as a relational prospect,” Engle says. Older women know their bodies significantly better than they did in their youth, and they’re ready to focus on their own exploration with a partner who prioritizes their pleasure equally—especially if they’ve been with the same person for decades, she adds.
What makes younger men so appealing to be with is that they’re generally more eager to learn, plus, they’re adventurous in terms of travel and life goals, Balestrieri adds. This eagerness translates to the bedroom, where a younger partner might be “anxious to please” and offer sexual stamina and gratification that an older woman may not have experienced in past relationships, Hill adds. (For example, in a previous marriage, the partners might have been set in their ways emotionally and sexually, Hill says.)
Anecdotally, many older women speak of feeling enthusiastic “about not only the reception they get with younger men, but about mutuality and pleasure and really diving into exploration,” and “also just physiologically, they feel more equally met,” Balestrieri notes.
Additionally, youthful men have a shorter refractory period, with the ability to have more frequent erections and a “quicker turnaround time for sexual activity” if that’s what’s desired, Balestrieri says. They also tend not to have erection problems, such as erectile dysfunction, Engle adds.
Same-sex relationships play by different rules.
Same-sex age-gap relationships are a bit different than heterosexual ones, due to the fact that age differences are much more normalized in the LGBTQ+ community. Take celeb couples Sarah Paulson and Holland Taylor (32 years apart), Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi (15 years apart), and Elton John and David Furnish (15 years apart) as examples.
One reason for this is that queer communities have “had to make their own rules about relationships because in a lot of ways, they’re not following the traditional relationship script anyway,” says Hill. People who identify as LGBTQ+ have typically explored their sexuality more than the average straight person, according to Engle and Balestrieri.
So, while heterosexual relationships can easily have innate power imbalances—a.k.a., the “man of the house” stereotype, for example—those in the LGBTQ+ community aren’t as affected. Because they’ve often had to endure judgment from peers, loved ones, and society at large, they’re generally “more intentional around communication” in terms of power imbalances and other factors related to identity (especially being a public figure), wealth, and social status, Balestrieri adds.
The bottom line: When you combine the “sexual prowess and vitality of a younger man” with an older woman’s wisdom and readiness to explore herself, it can be a truly satisfying combination, Engle explains. The younger man’s open-mindedness and free-spiritedness resonates with women as they age and care less about what society thinks, according to Hill. Thinking about pursuing something with a younger individual? Go. For. It.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
“It’s A Way Of Increasing Sexual Passion And Eroticism”
— Experts Are Sharing The One Thing You Should Incorporate Into Your Sex Life Immediately
When we talk about sex, often we’re really referring to intercourse. But there’s so much more to a satisfying sex life than just penetration. And when we broaden our definition of sex to be more inclusive, there’s a whole world of pleasure to be gained.
That’s where “outercourse” comes in.
“Outercourse is really an umbrella term for a wide variety of sexual activities that don’t involve any type of penetration,” clinical sexologist and sexuality educator Lawrence Siegel told HuffPost.
He continued. “Any rubbing, touching, kissing, or caressing that doesn’t involve any part of one body entering any part of another. It can also involve mutual masturbation, scissoring, and dry humping.” (That being said, what constitutes outercourse may vary person to person. For instance, some people believe fingering and oral sex are examples of outercourse, while others do not.)
What many people call foreplay would be considered outercourse. But when we refer to all of these sexual acts as just foreplay, it reinforces the idea that penetration is the main event. In reality, these pleasurable activities can be a satisfying sexual experience on their own, even when they don’t lead to intercourse, Siegel said.
According to sex educator and podcast host Chris Maxwell Rose, “Outercourse can include any way we touch, lick, stroke, stimulate, and turn-on the biggest organ in our bodies: the skin,” she said. “So many of us experience touch hunger — and the remedy is full-body, affectionate touch.”
Erotic massage is another example of outercourse that can “provide deeply satisfying, highly erotic experiences with touch alone,” said Maxwell Rose, who is also the founder of PleasureMechanics.com.
Outercourse can even include cuddling and spooning, which “foster closeness and a sense of security,” said sex therapist and clinical psychologist Nazanin Moali. It can also include talking openly about your sexual fantasies, “which allows partners to connect on a deeply personal level,” Moali, host of the “Sexology” podcast, told HuffPost.
The Benefits Of Outercourse
Once you get to a certain age or reach a certain stage in your relationship, having sex often means a bit of rushed foreplay as an appetizer before moving on to the intercourse entree. Outercourse can break up dull or repetitive patterns you may have fallen into in the bedroom, opening up new or forgotten pathways to sexual pleasure.
“Many of us remember the very beginnings of our sexual discoveries, even the very beginning of our relationships that started with making out and getting ‘felt up’ or ‘feeling up,’ and how exciting that was,” Siegel said. “Outercourse can really be what helps build a level of passion that creates powerful orgasms.”
Outercourse also pushes you to be more sexually creative and connect with your partners in more intentional ways, “helping people explore sexual pleasure and stimulation beyond the genitals,” said sexologist and sex educator Goody Howard.
Embracing outercourse can also be great for folks who have arousal issues, Moali said — some of whom might avoid sex entirely because of these problems. Same goes for people with certain health conditions or physical limitations that take penetrative sex off the table.
“Within many heterosexual relationships, sexual encounters often commence with an erection and culminate in ejaculation,” she said. “Consequently, erection difficulties can result in a complete withdrawal from sexual activities.”
Additionally, outercourse is a safer — but not entirely safe — alternative to penetrative vaginal, anal and oral sex in terms of both risk of pregnancy and STIs.
How To Add More Outercourse To Your Sex Life
First, take some time to reflect on one of your best sexual experiences. Think about what you felt before, during and after. This will help you tap into what Moali calls your “core erotic emotions.”
“For many, consistent themes make sex memorable and exciting. For some, this could be the thrill of being desired, for others, a sense of shame, and for others still, it’s about power exchange,” she explained.
“Identifying your core desire is akin to discovering the genre of the novel you’re writing. As an author, you can enrich this experience by incorporating elements that heighten the specific emotions you wish to explore.”
This exercise will help you zero in on the sexual narratives and types of outercourse that might be most fulfilling to you.
Exploring outercourse can also be an opportunity to start a dialogue with your partner (or partners) about your fantasies, what you enjoy in bed, and any personal boundaries around things you’re not comfortable with, too, Siegel said.
“Talking about experiencing and understanding different types of touch can contribute greatly to experiencing better intercourse,” he said.
Treat this exploration as a way to expand your sexual horizons, Siegel said. Slow things down so you can focus on intimate acts like kissing, cuddling and touching each other’s bodies in different and intentional ways.
“Use massage and genital rubbing through the clothes; try slipping up from behind while they’re brushing their teeth or doing dishes, or other ‘safe’ times when they don’t expect it,” he said.
“Incorporate mutual masturbation into your sex play, both with and without sex toys. Even simulated intercourse, like sliding a penis between a partner’s thighs, breasts or butt. This can be a wonderful entree into experimenting with more ways to pleasure yourselves and each other.”
Try to get out of your head and put aside preconceived notions about what sex “should” be so you can discover what feels fun and pleasurable for you and your partner.
“It might be awkward at first to remain clothed when connecting to sexual pleasure, especially if you’re used to being naked and ‘going all the way,’” Howard said. “But don’t be afraid to try something new. My suggestion is to start fully clothed and remove clothing as desired, but not removing any bras or underwear.”
Outercourse can be utilized in a number of different ways for a number of different reasons tailored to your needs and desires as an individual or couple.
“Outercourse can be used as a tease, taunting your lover with an everything-but approach that plays with the charge of withholding penetration,” Maxwell Rose said. “Or it can be a strategy, a way of finding deeply satisfying sexual connection when penetration is off the menu. One of our most popular podcast episodes is about playing without penetration because so many people are looking to find new ways to satisfy one another beyond traditional intercourse.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
L G B T … P?
— Polyamory is everywhere these days—except protected under the law. But some advocates have an idea about how to change that.
By Abigail Moss
In case you hadn’t noticed, polyamory is all the rage right now. The current vogue emerged back in January, with a viral cover story in New York magazine and the buzzy memoir More, about the pleasures and perils of an open marriage. The Atlantic followed suit, asking whether polyamory is just a fad for the rich, the New York Times sought lessons from a 20-person polycule, and countless other publications have jumped on the so-called poly moment with coverage both illuminating and hand-wringing. On our screens, the reality-TV series Couple to Throuple arguably offered a master class in how not to do polyamory, and even the ladies of The View felt compelled to weigh in. And, lest you think all this hubbub is some ginned-up PR campaign, consider that 4 to 5 percent of people in the U.S. are in consensually nonmonogamous relationships (not always the same thing as polyamory, but pointing in a similar direction), which is comparable to the number that identify as LGBTQ+. Research from the Kinsey Institute shows that as many as 1 in 6 people are interested in exploring polyamory.
For polyamorous folks like myself (I’m in a throuple), there’s definitely a feeling that the tide is changing. While only a few years ago, my relationship might have been met with confusion at best and outright hostility at worst, more and more, my partners and I are meeting people who simply shrug and tell us, oh sure, they’ve heard about throuples before. This increase in public familiarity, at least, seems like a good thing. I’m cautiously optimistic that polyamory is approaching a cultural tipping point, not dissimilar to the early days of the fight for something like marriage equality, support for which depended a lot on straight people knowing out gay friends and family, and same-sex relationships being normalized.
Yet, despite all this social progress, the law hasn’t been as quick to catch up with the rise of these kinds of “nontraditional” relationships. And that’s a big problem, because major, negative misconceptions persist among the non-poly public, most of them stemming from the reduction of these relationships to a sexual kink. This, in turn, leads to the belief, for example, that a polyamorous environment is not a safe one for a child, or that a poly relationship is not a serious or valid family structure. For those on the outside, polyamory can still seem like a wild and irresponsible lifestyle—and unfortunately, it’s people on the outside who are making laws and policy for the rest of us.
Indeed, legally, we polyamorous people find ourselves on very shaky ground. Apart from a few notable exceptions—such as the city of Somerville, Massachusetts, which was the first city to extend limited recognition to poly relationships back in 2023, and Oakland, California, which just passed a similar ordinance—there are almost no legal protections for polyamorous people, certainly not on a national level. Depending on where they live, a polyamorous person could be evicted from their home or denied housing because of their relationship style—I know firsthand that private landlords may be less likely to want to rent to a throuple, for example, than a monogamous married couple because of false assumptions that a polyamorous group will be inherently unstable and unreliable. And a poly person could be fired or denied promotions at work due to bias against polyamory (whether that’s the stated reason or not)—without the company facing the same legal ramifications they likely would if they terminated someone’s employment on, say, the basis of sexuality.
Which raises an interesting question: Should polyamory be recognized as a sexuality under the law? And what might be gained, or lost, by such a recognition? There is a lot of debate in the polyamorous and LGBTQAI+ community as to whether poly should “count” in this way. But with so many poly folks believing that their polyamory is not something they chose, but rather an innate part of themselves, running a legal gauntlet on an everyday basis can feel exhausting and more than a little censorious. Many poly people feel they have to hide their true selves and even lie to colleagues, neighbors, friends, and family, lest they bring unwanted attention into their lives and homes.
Would changing the legal status of polyamory and grouping it together with protected identities such as gender and sexuality offer a solution? As is so often the case when we’re talking about something as fluid as human sexuality, it turns out that the answer isn’t exactly a simple one. But, experts argue, the current state of play simply isn’t good enough.
Dr. Eli Sheff is a sociologist and expert witness on cases involving families who have unconventional setups, including polyamorous ones. She explains that while the legal changes happening at a local level are an important step in the right direction, there are limits to how much they’re impacting polyamorous people’s lives nationally: “The changes in Somerville, for example, only apply to city employees. Somerville can’t legislate that a national corporation must recognize your polyamorous relationship. So poly people remain extremely vulnerable; you can’t share your health insurance, for example. On the national level, it’s wholly inadequate.”
Andy Izenson knows firsthand how this feels. “It’s been an expensive year,” they say, referencing medical bills that they and their two partners have all had to deal with after suffering different illnesses in the past year. They faced limitations on how much they could claim from their insurance companies because they are not in a more traditional relationship. Izenson, the senior legal director at the Chosen Family Law Centre, is an attorney and mediator specializing in representing queer families, including polyamorous ones, and transgender people. I asked how polyamorous people might begin to advocate for themselves. Izenson explains that often, dealing with situations in a personal, one-to-one way is best. “For example, if three parents need to be able to pick their kid up from school, going to the school, speaking to the principal, trying to work things out that way is sometimes the best. You have to think about what systems in society you really need to be interacting with.”
But with no laws to protect a polyamorous person, doing this is inherently a risk. In some places, laws exist that not only fail to protect polyamorous folks, but actively work against them, such as in Connecticut, where a zoning law limits the number of unmarried adults that can live together. In other states such as Florida and Alabama, polyamory is effectively criminalized through bigamy statutes. And considering cases of parents losing custody battles because of their polyamorous relationships, a person might rightly think very carefully before coming out to a school principal, boss, or co-worker.
This is a shame, because we really don’t have anything to hide. Dr. Heath Schechinger, co-founder of the Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition, has found in his research that polyamorous and nonmonogamous relationships have benefits far beyond the sexual. He asked 175 people engaged in nonmonogamous relationships to list the benefits of their relationship structure. Responses included gaining a greater social and support network, fostering greater honesty in their relationships, and having greater autonomy and independence in their lives. Sex-related benefits ranked as only the eighth most-cited reason. Polyamorous people such as myself already know this—my partners and I argue over what to watch on Netflix and remind each other to feed our cats, just like any married couple. But while these misconceptions persist, they’re a major blocker to legal reform.
Schechinger says that although it may not be possible for everyone, visibility is a vital first step in improving rights for polyamorous people: “I think if you have the privilege of being able to come out as polyamorous, it’s important to consider doing so,” he says. “We are in an era where we’re on a precipice of significant change. Polyamory is becoming a lot more visible. The more people there are coming out and adding to that visibility, the easier it becomes for others. At the same time, companies increasingly want people to bring more of themselves, and bring their true selves, to the workplace. There are demonstrable benefits for companies in people feeling able to do this.”
Polyamorous people have been fighting for greater recognition for a number of years. In 2010, lawyer and academic Anne Tweedy wrote a paper arguing that polyamory shares common traits with other sexual orientations and warrants legal protections against discrimination. However, only a few years later, the popular sex columnist Dan Savage weighed in, writing that polyamory is “not a sexual orientation. It’s not something you are, it’s something you do,”—an assertion that led to a comment-thread “shit storm” as members of the polyamorous community leaped in to staunchly disagree.
Poly-as-sexual-orientation has always been a controversial topic, with many polyamorous people feeling that their polyamory is something they can’t control and don’t choose, and others feeling that this kind of categorization would be oversimplifying the issue.
Sheff feels that, for some people, polyamory is certainly an orientation more than a lifestyle choice. She points out that “for a lot of people it’s a long-term part of their lives; for example, when they were children, they might not have had a singular best friend, but rather several different friends that they would do different things with. Another thing is that many polyamorous folks have tried and tried to be monogamous, or live monogamously, and have simply not been able to. A little like a woman who is really a lesbian trying to date men, and dating a bunch of men, and feeling that it’s just never right.”
Izenson, however, feels ambivalent about how useful labeling polyamory as a sexual orientation would be. “We need to consider how we’re thinking about sexual behavior as a static identity. In law, for something to become a protected identity it needs to be considered an ‘immutable characteristic,’ as something fixed. Historically, in order to squish sexual identity into the civil rights framework, it became necessary to say that, like race, sexual identity is a static and immutable characteristic. We know now that this isn’t the case for race; it’s not an immutable and fixed thing at all. And we all know that’s not the case for sexuality, either; sexuality is a very fluid thing. So, if we were to apply this same approach to a relationship style, like polyamory, we’d have to say that it was fixed and immutable.” The problem, then, is that because many polyamorous people have had monogamous relationships in the past (and may choose to again in the future), it’s possible for the state to look at this and assert that their polyamory must be a choice, rather than a fixed characteristic.
Izenson points to the comparable example of bisexual asylum-seekers who have been denied asylum because past heterosexual relationships have been used as an argument to say their current same-sex relationship must be a choice. We know that a bisexual person can identify as bisexual regardless of the gender of their current partner. Likewise, a poly person may want to identify as polyamorous while having the freedom to choose any kind of relationship style they want. They also may not want to have their identity denied because of what past relationships looked like. Sex and relationship therapists commonly agree that sexual identity and sexual behavior do not always go hand in hand, but currently, the law (in most places) is not nuanced enough to accommodate this concept.
Even so, there are ways that people are getting involved and advocating for greater changes, and Schechinger feels that the dam is about to break. “We are putting together a packet that people can take to their city councilperson and advocate for similar policies [to the ones in Somerville and Oakland] to be taken up in their city,” he said. These materials will form a toolkit that will be available in the coming months, and have been created in collaboration with the Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy, Polyamory Legal Advocacy Coalition, Harvard Law LGBTQ+ Advocacy Clinic, and the Chosen Family Law Center. The toolkit will include relevant research and educational information, case examples, legal insights, and advocacy strategies.
Although there may be quite a way to go until the law protects polyamorous people’s rights across the whole of the U.S., the combination of greater visibility, companies wanting to encourage employees to bring their true selves to the workplace, and replicable local policies being taken up in more and more places may be paving the way for exciting change. “It’s comparable to where LGBTQ advocacy was in perhaps the early ’90s,” says Schechinger. And people are getting behind this advocacy in droves.
“One of the problems, one of the beautiful problems, that my colleagues and I have right now is that there are countless numbers of people reaching out and asking how they can get involved and asking how they can offer support. Up until now, a huge part of their lives and their identities was going unrecognized. Finally, now there’s hope for progress. It’s only a matter of time before we see this start to scale.” And after all, what is poly if not the belief that things like understanding and love are capable of growth.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
It turns out your sex life has a shelf life
— And it’s shorter than you think
Heard of limerance?
By Ebony Leigh
The term ‘honeymoon phase’ gets thrown around like an imaginary wonderland full of sex, sunshine and satisfaction.
But according to science, it’s very real and there’s a very real reason why it’s called a phase, because apparently there’s an exact time frame when your sex life drops off.
What is limerance?
“Limerence is that early stage of a relationship where it’s almost like an obsession that you feel with a new relationship energy,” somatic sexologist Alice Child tells Body+Soul.
“There are a lot of chemical changes which are happening in the brain and in the body in that new period of time in the relationship which can feel pretty obsessive.
“You think about that person all of the time and there’s also so much uncertainty, so much newness, so much tension and so much novelty, and that acts as really good fuel for arousal and libido.”
So no wonder the sex can be out of this world, filled with “really erotic and experimental” time under the sheets and “really connective intimacy”.
When does limerance wear off?
But given its volatility, it’s no surprise that limerence has an expiration date. And when the limerance wears off, so too can the sexual drive in a relationship, which Childs says can fall between six months and two years.
“For some people, they start to notice that the part of their relationship that was so exciting, so experimentative and so passionate has taken a backseat, and they don’t really know why or what to do about it,” Child explains.
It’s something she hears about a lot from her clients, but says there’s a good reason why it happens.
Why does sex drive have an expiry date?
“We as humans, on the one hand, really want love, security, stability and no uncertainty, and that’s where relationships start to go over a longer period of time as you get more and more committed, build up more and more trust, and get to know each other better and better,” she says.
“But on the other hand, we have this human desire for adventure, novelty, newness, uncertainty and drama, and that’s where the erotic lives.
“You can then understand why, when you’re in a relationship and really prioritising this idea of two becoming one and removing all of the uncertainty, that your sex life can suffer.”
So, how can you keep the spark alive?
4 ways to keep the sexual spark alive
#1. Put yourself first
For couples moving through the honeymoon phase, Child’s first piece of advice is not to stop prioritising yourself, and to spend time apart.
“Any sort of connection needs some sort of separateness in order to happen so give yourself some time to miss each other,” she explains. Which also gives you time for you.
“Prioritise your own friendships, your own hobbies, your own things that make you who you are, and remember why your partner found you attractive and why you found them attractive in the early days,” Child says.
“Then ask yourself, are you both still prioritising those things that make you who you are, even though you’re now in this beautiful, committed relationship?”
#2. Find your erotic core
The next step is “getting under the hood of what works”, Child says, which basically involves quizzing each other on what you like together.
“So think, ‘What’s really hot for us, what do we love and what turns us on?’,” Child recommends And then go one step deeper and ask, ‘Oh, what’s so hot about that?’
That, she says, is the key to eternal sexual satisfaction.
“That’s how you can get to the [root] of what’s called your core erotic theme, and that is really the answer to how to have hot sex year after year after year after year, even in a 20 year marriage,” Child explains.
“You’ve got to really understand your own erotic brain and your partner’s erotic brain and really understand each other so you don’t don’t ever run out of ideas.”
#3. Stay curious
Of course, the erotic brain can change over time as “you get exposed to new turn ons, new ideas, new fantasies and new things,” Child says.
“So really get into a habit of after sex turning to each other and saying, ‘What was your favourite bit? Why was that so hot? And what was fun about that for you?’.
Whatever you do, she adds, don’t lose that “curious mindset”, because we’re constantly learning about each other and ourselves.
“It can be so easy in a long term relationship to think you know each other really and you do, but that’s when things become really routine or habitual,” Child explains.
“And that’s when things start feeling boring, so keep that beginner’s curious mindset, like ‘What more can we discover? What does that mean next time?’”
#4. Try new things
Spicing it up with a sex toy can be a real game changer for what goes on in the bedroom and in your erotic mind.
“There’s such amazing products out there now that the simple act of bringing in a new toy is enough to bring that curious mindset back,” says the sexologist, who has developed an intimacy course called Pillow Play to help couples learn new skills and increase their connection, chemistry and communication.
“It’s like ‘Oh, what’s it going to feel like? What’s it going to do? Are you going to use it on me? Am I going to use it on you?’.”
It’s all about getting back to that ‘trying new things’ headspace, Child says, along with “beautiful new sensations and beautiful new fantasies.”
But why stop at toys?
“You know, reading erotic fiction and listening to audio porn, all of these things can give you new ideas and again afterwards you can ask yourselves, ‘What part of that was exciting for me? Why was that exciting? How could I bring that into our sex life?’.
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Sexually Transmitted Infections Have Surged
— And Age Is No Barrier
Older daters are not getting adequate screening and protection from S.T.I.s. Here’s how to be a safer sexually active senior.
Since her marriage of more than 20 years ended in divorce, Amy, a 62-year-old Texan, has had a couple of committed relationships and a handful of sexual partners.
Amy is currently seeing a man she described as a “friend with benefits,” but it’s nothing she takes too seriously. What she does take seriously is talking to him — and every partner — about safe sex practices amid rising rates of sexually transmitted infections in seniors.
“I’m very aware of it,” said Amy, who asked to use only her middle name to protect her privacy. “I require proof of negative testing before I become intimate with anyone.” She also insists on using a condom.
Between 2012 and 2022, rates of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia more than doubled among those 55 and older, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Research suggests many older people are unaware of these risks, and that’s keeping them from adequate screening and practicing safer sex.
Joan Price, a sex educator who focuses on senior sexuality and who is the author of “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex,” said she was struck by the variety of reasons older daters may not practice safe sex, or even talk about it with partners.
She often hears some version of, “Oh, I can’t get pregnant,” she said, or “Our age group doesn’t get S.T.I.s.” Men have told her they were reluctant to talk about barrier methods of protection because their erections were unpredictable, and using a condom made them go away.
She has talked to older daters who were new to the scene after a divorce or the death of a longtime partner, and who felt uncomfortable navigating these conversations for the first time in years — or perhaps ever. Women, in particular, worried they would seem promiscuous if they raised the topic of using protection, she said.
“There are so many different reasons I hear,” Ms. Price said. “But a lot of it is just lack of awareness and lack of understanding.”
People are living longer, and still having sex.
The increase in S.T.I.s in older adults is part of a broader trend, and the reasons for it are complicated. But it is possible to see the rise among older Americans through a somewhat positive lens, said Dr. Shannon Dowler, a family physician in North Carolina and the author of “Never Too Late: Your Guide to Safer Sex After 60.”
“People are just living longer and having sex for longer than they used to,” she said. “Men have benefited from erectile dysfunction drugs, and women have benefited from hormone therapies that are able to help them maintain a more pleasant sex life.”
But doctors who see older patients for routine checkups often fail to counsel them about their sex lives or to offer routine S.T.I. screening, said Dr. Mariah Robertson, a geriatric medicine specialist with Johns Hopkins University.
Dr. Robertson said the rise in S.T.I.s stems, in part, from “pervasive ageism in health care” and a society that makes the harmful assumption that older adults simply don’t have much sex.
“In an ideal world, I’d wave a wand and every primary health care provider would ask their older adult patients about sexual activity during their annual wellness visit, or even more frequently than that,” she said.
How to talk about sexual health with doctors and partners.
Amy recently had her annual visit with her gynecologist of 35 years. At the end of the appointment, she asked the nurse if the doctor intended to order an S.T.I. panel. “She said, ‘I don’t think so, but we can ask for it,’” Amy recalled.
All the experts interviewed for this story expressed dismay that it often falls on older patients to ask for testing — and to understand what that testing entails. (Screening for genital herpes, for instance, is not always included in S.T.I. tests.) But they emphasized that it was important for patients of all ages to broach the topic with their health care providers.
S.T.I.s are treatable, but the immune system weakens with age, which makes it more difficult to fight infections. “Previous infections that hadn’t flared up in decades might suddenly reappear,” Dr. Dowler said. “You see that in herpes infections particularly.”
When Dr. Hilary Reno, a professor with the Washington University School of Medicine and the medical director of the St. Louis County Sexual Health clinic, sees a 70-something patient who has asked to be tested for S.T.I.s, she does her best to normalize the notion that sexual health care is for everyone. “I don’t, perhaps, congratulate them on having a healthy sex life,” she said with a laugh. “But I do emphasize that coming in and getting tested isn’t a failure. Coming in and getting tested is being proactive about your health.”
Condoms are also an important part of S.T.I. prevention, Dr. Reno said, and this is something she points out to her patients, particularly when they note they are not concerned about pregnancy anymore. Sexually active adults who prefer not to use condoms should talk about S.T.I.s and get tested before having sex with a new partner, she said.
As for navigating conversations with potential partners, Ms. Price said the simpler the language, the better. She recommends that people say something direct and nonjudgmental, like: “I always use condoms with a new partner to protect us both. Would you prefer a certain type?” Or even just: “Your condoms or mine?”
On a few occasions, Amy has been met with pushback from partners when talking about S.T.I.s. But she said she felt much more confident having these conversations now than she would have when she was younger. When she told her “friend with benefits” he needed to get tested if they were going to sleep together, he complained that he hated needles.
She told him that was OK, and that she didn’t want to make him do anything he wasn’t comfortable with. But they wouldn’t be having sex.
Shortly thereafter, Amy said, “I got a text with a picture of his test results.”
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Can therapy improve your sex life?
— We ask three psychosexual therapists to troubleshoot five common issues their clients face
Many sex therapists believe there’s no such thing as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ sex. But what they do agree on is that psychosexual therapy – the act of exploring how our thoughts about sex are formed, before slowly working to change our preconceived ideas – can help us find our way back to a more connected and satisfying relationship with a sexual partner.
So what are the common issue we all face? We asked three leading sex therapists to share the scenarios they see most often among clients, and how to navigate them.
Performance anxiety
In modern society, comparison culture is everywhere and for many of us, this leads to worries about sexual performance, says Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist and host of The Sexual Wellness Sessions podcast. ‘The sex we see through porn, films or on TV is not necessarily like the sex that we’re actually having in real life – it’s specifically designed to look good on camera.’ She adds that performance anxiety develops due to an inherent but unrealistic perfectionism: ‘Sex is one of the only areas of our lives where we form an idea that everyone should just know what they’re doing, but we rarely ask questions or open conversations about how to know what we’re doing.’
Often, clients will come to the therapist space expressing this very problem. ‘These people are in the room because what they’re doing has not been working for them,’ says Dr Amani Zarroug, a clinical psychologist and psychosexual and relationship therapist. ‘I want to find out if they’re tied to an idea that sex has to be a specific way. I then challenge that by pointing out that as soon as they start to “perform”, they’re doing what we call “spectatoring” – almost existing outside of their own body watching, so they’re no longer connected to their own pleasure.’
A really good exercise, experts agree, is myth busting. ‘By writing down our sexual beliefs on paper and asking, “Where did I learn that from?”, we can start to call into question certain ideas that we have, and think about where they come from,’ says Moyle. ‘Much of the time we’ve never really thought about where our core beliefs around pleasure stem from until it’s a problem, so actually questioning them is an important exercise.’
Discrepancy in desire
For Karen Aram, who has run her private practice in London for 10 years and works predominantly with couples, a difference in sex drive between partners – or different libido needs – is very common. ‘When people come to me, I will always start by looking at the backstory,’ she says. ‘I’ll call into question: Was it always like this, or has there been an emotional event that has triggered one partner to lose their drive?’
Issues around libido are particularly common when couples are trying to conceive, particularly during IVF, or struggling with infertility. ‘However, it could also be that one partner has just never had a high sex drive, in which case it’s about understanding that the person with the lower drive controls the amount of sex within a relationship.’
Moyle says that, in this case, the person with the lower sex drive is often left with little opportunity to really understand when they want sex, given that the other person wants it all the time. ‘Couples can then get stuck in a cycle of blame and consequently pull away from everything that might lead to sex. This can be particularly problematic because the issue then just gets bigger.’
‘Has there been an emotional event that has triggered one partner to lose their drive?’
Another factor that therapists will look at is the longevity of the relationship. ‘Spontaneous desire is over-represented in films and TV,’ explains Moyle, ‘when the reality is that lots of people, particularly in long-term relationships, have a more responsive desire style. This means that instead of the desire happening in anticipation of a sexual experience, it’s often triggered by the start of the sexual experience – we start kissing and hugging, and then we start to feel turned on. Often, people in long-term relationships think they’ve lost all their desire when, in fact, they’re just more responsive in this way.’
To this end, Moyle suggests carving out more time for intimacy. ‘As therapists, we don’t like the idea of scheduling sex, but we do recommend scheduling time to be physically intimate. We put time aside for planning holidays and calling friends, so we need to apply that same rule to our relationships.’
Avoidance and distance
All couples, Aram says, have an ‘emotional sweet spot’ when it comes to how intimate or distant they can cope with being. ‘It’s a fundamental human fear that we will be left or abandoned,’ she explains, ‘so when some couples become too far apart, they can feel inherently anxious and naturally start to withdraw and defend.’ This often results in the other person feeling even more frozen out, and can manifest in them withdrawing touch and appreciative comments or compliments. ‘They can then resort to safety behaviours, such as one deliberately going to bed early without the other,’ she explains, ‘until eventually there’s no sweetness left.’
The approach to rebuilding a major rupture in a relationship needs to be taken very slowly. ‘In therapy, I will often suggest starting safely with reconnection – whether that’s the couple staying in the same room together after dinner, or hugging and looking into each other’s eyes for three to five minutes. We’re not looking specifically at arousal at this stage, but meeting discomfort in a safe environment.’
Dr Zarroug agrees with this gradual approach, citing a technique called ‘sensate focus’, aimed to improve intimacy, confidence and communication between partners, and shifting away from ingrained, goal-oriented sexual patterns that may not be serving the couple. ‘Sensate focus is the gold-standard method for treating psychosexual issues,’ she says. As part of it, couples must agree to a sex ban for the duration of the programme as they gradually reacquaint themselves with their bodies. ‘In knowing it’s not going to lead to sex, the programme removes pressure, so that couples can start to break whatever negative association they had before.’<
Eventually, the exercises become sexual, but initially it’s more about connecting with the sensual nature of your body and what it can offer you in terms of pleasure.
Body confidence
How we feel in our own bodies can have a big impact on our sex lives. However, very often, worries about body image come down to past experiences and psychoeducation, explains Dr Zarroug, such as ‘women worrying that their vulvas don’t look like those in porn films.’
Normalising and understanding that not everyone loves every single thing about their body is a process, she says. ‘I often do an exercise where I ask the person to name three parts of themselves that they like. I might then ask them to stand naked in front of a mirror at home, and talk to that part of themselves. The negative things we’ve been told about our bodies tend to weigh much more heavily than all the positive things we’ve heard, so focusing on the bits you do like often provides an emotional release.’
‘Couples can get stuck in a cycle of blame and pull away from everything that might lead to sex’
From there, Dr Zarroug says, she’ll hone in on a client’s perception of body image when it’s in the specific context of sex. ‘I ask, “when are you most self-conscious? Is it when you’re in a particular position? Is it when there’s lots of light in the room?” In shedding light on those moments, we can start to focus on the areas they like more.’
‘Learning what feels good for us is a big part of improving body confidence in sex,’ adds Moyle. ‘So I ask: “What are your good conditions for sex?” It might be that having sex with the light off feels comfortable for you because you’re able to really relax and tune in to what’s happening, or that mindfulness exercises help you to connect with your body more.’
Struggles with orgasm
‘Difficulties orgasming are very common in women and it’s something I see people worry about a lot,’ says Aram. ‘But orgasm can only happen when there is a certain point of tension and relaxation, like opposing forces. We have to be aroused, but we also have to be relaxed and allow the body to take over.’
‘I start by getting people to write a pleasure journal,’ says Moyle. ‘They note down five things in their day that give them pleasure, whether it’s putting on a really soft jumper, walking outside feeling the sun on their face, getting into bed with clean sheets, the first sip of coffee in the morning or a smile from a stranger. We’re not very good at noticing small moments of pleasure – often it happens and we simply rush to the next thing, and it’s the same with sex.’
Aram agrees with this mindful approach. ‘I encourage an exploration of touch for pleasure,’ she says. ‘I’ve had women tell me they had an orgasm when their partner started stroking their coccyx at the bottom of their back, or the back of their neck while having sex. In reframing what we’ve been taught about orgasm and embracing the whole body as a potential touch zone, we can rebalance expectations around what we think our body should be doing, and focus on that feeling of pleasure and how to build it.’
Sometimes it’s even a case of looking at breathwork, says Aram. ‘A good tip is to try taking in more oxygen than you need to as you become more aroused,’ she suggests. ‘Trust me, you’ll be surprised where you can go!’
Complete Article ↪HERE↩!
Down with monogamy, up with orgies!
— Why the sex party industry is thriving
It was a big day for Alicia. Heading to her new boyfriend’s flat for a party, she was going to meet some of his friends – and his other girlfriend.
by
Alicia – who’s going by a pseudonym – wasn’t sure what to wear to this evening soiree, hoping to look effortlessly chic in a long-sleeved top and jeans. She was nervous as other guests started to arrive. One brought flowers. Another baked a cake. For such a liberal, open-minded set up, the event was jarringly wholesome.
And then, people started taking their clothes off.
Alicia, knew she was there for a sex party – but she was still surprised at just how… naked everyone got.
‘My mind was completely blown,’ recalls the 32-year-old. ‘It was eye-opening. There were people having sex in corners, threesomes in the middle of the living room.
‘I had my first lesbian experience there. I was clear that I didn’t fancy women but it was fun to dabble in an environment that was judgement-free.
‘It also changed my appreciation for open relationships. The guy I was with clearly loved his partner – even when she was having sex with other people in front of him.
‘The whole event was like nothing I’d seen before.’
Alicia’s experience is becoming increasingly common amongst millennials and Gen Z, who are eschewing the traditional dating scene in favour of a rapidly growing alternative way to meet people – sex parties.
As a concept, these shindigs aren’t anything new. The advent of the pill heralded the sexual revolution of the 1960s, which in turn saw the proliferation of alternative relationship structures. Swinging, where people in committed relationships exchange partners, became increasingly popular, with ‘the lifestyle’ being embraced by an estimated 1.5 million Brits.
However, sex parties have far evolved beyond throwing keys into a bowl and decorating your garden with pampas grass. The scene is now embraced by the sexually adventurous younger generation on a mission to make sex soirees mainstream.
Research has found that millennials and Gen Z are more accepting of alternative relationship dynamics – a 2020 YouGov study found 43% of millennials are likely to say their ideal relationship is non-monogamous, while the annual LELO sex census has found 38% of people aged 18 to 24 are open to polyamory.
These more liberally minded attitudes have seen apps which promote alternative relationship structures flourishing in more recent years, with Feeld (essentially, a kinky Tinder for people looking to try ethical non-monogamy) being hailed as ‘single handedly firing up London’s sex party scene.’
‘Millennials represent our largest demographic,’ Feeld’s CEO, Ana Kirova, explains to Metro.co.uk. ‘They stand at the intersection of heteronormative dynamics and a newly discovered desire to explore beyond the traditional norms.’
‘In the meantime, we are seeing more Gen Z users join. While this younger demographic represents a smaller portion of our overall user base, they are certainly more fluid with their sexuality – they are our smallest straight-identifying audience.’
With Feeld having grown steadily since its inception in 2014, its peak came when it experienced ‘triple digit growth’ between 2020 and 2022, and now makes around 700,000 connections each month.
‘Millennials and Gen Z have the mindset that Feeld users share – they are known as more open-minded than generations prior, and are exploring the boundaries of societal expectation and reality,’ Ana adds.
Polly, who is in her early 30s, has certainly observed a change in attendees at sex parties over the years. Having been a regular at established events such as Killing Kittens and Torture Garden, and attending around five to six parties a year, she had seen a marked shift in the volume of younger guests.
‘When I first started going, I was definitely among the younger people in attendance,’ she tells Metro.co.uk. ‘Now the parties I tend to go to are mostly people in their mid to late 20s. There’s still people who are older but they are by no means the prominent demographic.
‘It’s always such a mix of people: all shapes, sizes, personalities, and there’s been a greater prevalence of people going to just try it out. It’s less of a secret now.’
Polly has always been interested in the sex party scene. Previously a member of FetLife (which she describes as a kinky Facebook), she was always looking for events to attend that weren’t too fetish-heavy, but also weren’t marketed as swingers events, as she was keen to go as a single woman without a partner.
After a friend suggested she attended a Killing Kittens event, Polly decided to give the party a go – where she caught the sex soiree bug.
‘I jumped in at the deep end,’ she confesses. ‘I’m an actor, so I’m very comfortable being naked around people.
‘The moment I arrived, I stripped off and put all my clothes in the cloakroom and walked around naked.
‘Everyone was so chilled. When you put the taboo in front of someone, it is immediately easier to talk about. No one needed to covertly flirt with you. We all knew what we were there for.’
Polly adds the sheer sexiness of the event is what made attending so intoxicating.
‘It’s certainly on the classier side,’ Polly says. ‘People wear nice dresses and make an effort, the parties tend to be grand townhouses with chandeliers and high ceilings.
‘It was like going to a cocktail party where anything goes. Everyone is very tactile and up for anything. It’s nice not to feel inhibited by society’s norms.’
Killing Kittens is certainly one of the more established sex party stalwarts on the scene. Founded in 2005 by Emma Sayle, the parties initially started as small soirees which put the pleasure of the ‘kittens’ – the female party-goers – at the forefront.
The brand’s popularity has since exploded in more recent years, with Killing Kittens’s Senior Events and Education Manager, Kamila Rybankiewicz, reporting a 400% increase in party attendance in the last two years.
We’re in the Roaring Twenties…people want to go out and try new things
‘We’re definitely getting a lot more younger people coming to our parties,’ Kamila, who has been with the brand for eight years, explains. ‘We’ve gone to our biggest events having 200 attendees in 2019, and now we’re easily having 800 guests at parties.
‘Everyone wants to explore to some extent. Whether it’s just going and dancing in their lingerie in front of other people or full sex or a group experience, people realise they need to do it in a safe environment.’
It’s the safety features Killing Kittens offers which may be why its popularity has soared. Partnering with the WeAreX app, the brand insists everyone that attends their parties needs to be approved and verified first. Those who make it on the party’s guestlist are then sent an exhaustive list of rules of conduct and decorum they must abide by at each event.
‘Consent is at the heart of everything we do,’ Kamila explains. ‘We want to create an environment where the kittens, so people who identify as femme, are in charge. Only kittens can approach men, a bit like Bumble, and no man can buy a ticket on his own – he has to be invited by a kitten. We want to create an environment which is empowering for femmes.’
Kamila also attributes the brand’s sharp increase in popularity to a post-pandemic hedonism, where the enforced national lockdowns saw people pondering new experiences.
‘We’re in the roaring twenties,’ Kamila explains. ‘People want to go out, try new things, and do things they wouldn’t have done otherwise. If we’ve learned anything from the pandemic, it’s that life is too short. We need to live our lives to the fullest.’
The pandemic is what propelled Alicia to attend her boyfriend’s sex party. Having been in a serious relationship through lockdown and a self-described ‘serial monogomist’, she was willing to dive headfirst into the world of sex parties when restrictions lifting finally allowing people space to breathe again.
Polly argues the popularity of sex parties, particularly amongst younger clientele, may stem from the more casual nature of dating and relationships.
‘A sex party is basically an in-person dating app,’ she explains. ‘You can meet someone, instead of swiping, see if you click and see if you have chemistry. If you don’t, you never have to see them again
‘You can do it safely. You don’t have to go home with someone you don’t know. I genuinely feel safer at sex parties than I have at nightclubs, because the rules and boundaries are made very clear. You can go off privately with someone and have sex.’
Now firmly embedded into the sex party scene, Polly has made a large group of close friends from the numerous events she’s attended. The sex parties facilitated a strange sort of inverted courtship between them; starting out with sex and ending up as friends.
‘There’s groups of us where we don’t necessarily have sex with each other but we’re all comfortable in that environment where that happens,’ Polly says. ‘We actually rarely talk about sex. We have really in-depth conversations about life and we’re all open emotionally with each other.
‘We have to be attuned to our own emotions or boundaries and what you need from someone in given moment. If you can communicate that during sex, you can communicate in any other context. It lends itself to much deeper relationships.’
Of course, not everyone’s encounters at sex parties are intended to be so wholesome. For William*, who started going to events when he was 27, the casual sex he has with women helps him improve technique.
‘I’m very aware of the orgasm gap,’ he explains. ‘I like to watch and see what I learn, as it’s important that both parties come.
‘There are some parties I’ve gone to, and it’s like being in a chocolate factory – it’s very visual and there’s so much to see and experience.
‘However, you can’t always go and expect sexual intercourse. There’s a lot more sexual tourists recently – people who just want to see what’s going on.
‘But it’s not always about the sex at a sex party. It’s the spectacle of doing something different.’
Kamila agrees that sex isn’t – and shouldn’t be – a guarantee at a party.
‘Sometimes, only 40% of people who are at the party want to play,’ she explains. ‘And that’s completely fine. It’s about experimenting and feeling comfortable.
‘Sex parties may not be mainstream yet, but we’re seeing baby steps to this being much more acceptable. We’re seeing such huge growth, and I hope it continues. We need these spaces for people of all ages to explore and experiment.’
Alicia and her boyfriend went their separate ways on good terms after she attended his sex party, and she hasn’t attended any since.
‘If I’m honest, I enjoyed it too much,’ she confesses. ‘It was such an adrenaline rush. I think I’d become addicted to it. I have a business to run, work to do, friends and family to see, relationships I’m trying to build. I’d find it too much of a distraction.’
Polly, however, has no plans to put pause on the parties.
‘Sex parties have changed my life,’ she says. ‘People are so friendly and welcoming. Of course, it’s easy to overindulge. But seeing older people at parties reassures me. I will be doing this decades down the line.’
*names have been changed
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