— You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. So, what do you do?
You match, you chat, and you date for a little while. But then, things take a turn. You’re not sure you’re feeling it anymore. Perhaps it doesn’t feel like a good fit. You’re irretrievably mismatched. You’re looking for different things.You don’t want to ghost them. Blocking them feels downright mean. At the same time, you don’t want to hurt their feelings by being honest. Should you be honest and direct? What if they react badly and lash out?In the online dating realm where ghosting reigns supreme, it’s easy to hide behind our phone screens and avoid confrontation and honesty. Why have difficult conversations when you can just remove every trace of this person from your phone and forget about them instantly? It’s a tempting thought, of course. But, is it the right thing to do?Research from dating app Bumble found that 84 percent of British singles believe being open and upfront is the most important thing in a relationship.With that in mind, what is the best way to break up with someone? Mashable spoke to relationship experts to find out how to consciously uncouple without being a complete dick.
What is ‘quiet dumping’?
Another day, another buzzword for questionable dating behaviour. “Quiet dumping” is the latest bad dating behaviour and it’s inspired by “quiet quitting”, the trend describing workers who accept that work isn’t the be-all-and-end-all of their life and opt instead to put in the bare minimum at their job. Quiet dumping involves gradually distancing yourself from a partner without openly communicating how you’re feeling. The idea is that the person on the receiving end will get the hint from the change in behaviour and end the relationship of their own accord.
“As with most bad behaviour, quiet dumping reflects more on the person doing it than it does you,” Bumble’s in-house sex and relationship expert Dr. Caroline West says.
“Often, there is no malicious intent behind them fazing the relationship out, they’re just not comfortable enough to have the conversation.”
Is breaking up by text ever OK?
If there’s a modern equivalent of the “I’m sorry, I can’t, don’t hate me” Post-It note from Sex And The City, the text message has got to be it.
A lot of people think that a text message breakup is a strict no-no. But, surely there has to be an exception to the rule? As with all things in the dating world, text dumping is complicated.
Firstly, what if you’ve not yet met this match in person? Perhaps you’re stuck in a talking stage that feels like it’s headed nowhere fast. Perhaps this person is messaging you non-stop and coming on way too strong and you’re just…really not feeling it. Instead of doing the slow fade or ghosting, this kind of situation might warrant a quick message to explain how you’re feeling. You could try something along the lines of: “Hey, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m not sure this is a good fit. I wish you all the best.”
If the relationship is more established, however, dumping over text isn’t exactly a great idea.
Pippa Murphy. the sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk tells Mashable: “Breaking up with someone via a text message can be incredibly cruel, as not only is it impersonal but it doesn’t allow you to gauge what the other person is thinking or feeling, which isn’t fair on their behalf.”
Murphy says you should always pay the person the respect of sitting down in person to talk about the breakup in more detail.
“There is, however, one exception to this rule,” says Murphy. “If the relationship is emotionally or physically abusive, then breaking up over text message might be the only way to keep yourself safe.”
Don’t break up in public places
Friends have mine have recounted stories of being dumped by long-term boyfriends while out in romantic restaurants. Shocked and distraught, insult was added to emotional injury when they burst into tears in front of a room full of gawping strangers. It’s just… not what you need in that moment.
Murphy agrees with this. “While you should break up in person (if it’s safe to do so), doing it in a crowded restaurant or bar is destined for a disaster. Instead, you should pick somewhere private where you both feel comfortable having a personal conversation,” she says.
“This allows you both to be honest about the breakdown of your relationship without feeling embarrassed that people may be watching, therefore, limiting what you can or what emotions you can express.”
Communicate respectfully
When emotions run high, things can sometimes get heated.
It’s important to calmly and clearly express your reasons for ending this relationship. But as Murphy points out, you also should be mindful to listen to their perspective.
“Whoever it is, especially if it is someone you care about, you should always treat them as kindly and with as much respect as possible,” she says.
“While it is the dumper’s responsibility to break up with their partner gracefully, respectfully, and listen to them, it is not their responsibility to make the other person feel better. Being nice is a wonderful trait, however, this can backfire in a breakup and make you both feel worse.”
If you’re the one ending things, you might feel bad about the breakup, but sometimes apologising can do more harm than good, because it can put pressure on the dumpee to feel like they have to forgive you.
Is ghosting ever OK?
As Murphy says, if you’re in an abusive relationship, your priority is your own safety. If that means ghosting and blocking the individual, do it. If that means breaking up over text, do it. Never feel bad for keeping yourself safe.
As with text dumping, people have strong opinions on ghosting. But, there are circumstances in which ghosting is acceptable, in my view.
If you are a woman or marginalised person, you will be well aware that rejecting someone comes with a risk of violence.
Women have been murdered and assaulted for refusing men’s advances. As author Laura Bates writes: “For certain groups in particular, including trans women, women of colour and sex workers, it is well documented that refusing unwanted advances can result in aggression, physical or sexual violence, or even murder.”
When we fear how another person will react to our “no,” we attempt to mitigate that risk in our choice of breakup method, often choosing an evasive strategy to prevent us being harmed. If a person is exhibiting signs that they will respond aggressively to rejection, ghosting is an acceptable method to end contact. The block button is very useful in moments like this.
Cyberflashing — or the nonconsensual sending of lewd photos via messaging apps or AirDrop — is unfortunately rife. Almost half (48 percent) of UK adults aged 18-24 have received a sexual photo they didn’t ask for or consent to.
Again, in this situation, your safety is a priority. Report the sender if this behaviour occurs via a dating app. Block them.
When ghosting is not OK
In relationships and interactions where you feel safe and you’re not in danger, our approach to ghosting is a little different.
We’ve all heard the stories about marriages ending by ghosting, and long-term committed relationships ending abruptly with partners being blocked. If you’re in a committed (non-abusive) relationship with someone you once loved, ghosting will cause your partner more pain than necessary. Breaking up when you’re in a long-term relationship is already incredibly painful — why make it harder by ghosting them? Instead, follow the steps above: communicate clearly and kindly and aim for a private location if you can.
Should you go no contact?
In the aftermath of a breakup, people need space to grieve and heal. Murphy says: “Studies show that people who respectfully cut all contact for a short period allow themselves to heal fast and have more amicable breakups.”
She urges caution when opting to remain friends with an ex — while it can ease the transition, it can always leave you confused about where you stand, whether they want you back, and can make it harder to move on.
When breaking up with someone you care about, think about how you’d want to be dumped. “It is perfectly acceptable to take a short ‘no contact’ period out to emotionally recover before being friends with your ex. You don’t want your relationship status to be a confusing ‘on-again-off-again’ situation so take time out to heal so you can be friends if that’s what you both desire,” she adds.
When breaking up with someone you care about, think about how you’d want to be dumped. While no one craves rejection, we at least hope to be treated with the respect and honesty we deserve.
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