Tag: monogamy

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‘What if he finds someone better?’

— The agony and the ecstasy of an open relationship

And then there were three: ‘If we can both let each other go for an evening every now and then, the reunion feels so much sweeter.’

When Tom Rasmussen and their partner of seven years decided to have an open relationship, they knew it would be exciting and revitalising – but the danger of losing what they had was only too real

By Tom Rasmussen

My mother will kill me for writing this article. She doesn’t get why my partner and I would want to have sex with other people; why, God why, would we want to question a structure as sacred and, let’s face it, successful as monogamy? As she said, when I first mentioned I’d been on a date with someone who wasn’t my long-term partner, “Well, what if he finds someone better than you?” Brutal. Mothers really know how to find your deepest insecurity before wringing it – and you – out like a dishcloth.

She wasn’t wrong, though. What if he does find someone better than me? That was, admittedly, the first question I had when my partner and I decided to sleep with other people a year ago. Not only that, we decided it would be fine if we went on dates with other people, too: one, two, 10 – as long as we kept, as every pop psychologist whose bestseller I’ve never read will tell you, communication streams open.

The first date with someone else was mine. It was with an incredibly hot guy who I’d met at a fashion party, because I’m glamorous like that. He flirted so hard it was essentially impossible to say no. My partner and I discussed it: “Let’s just see what happens.”

Naturally I was nervous. The guy was hot. I was sweaty. It was the first date I’d been on in way over half a decade. What on earth do you talk about? I messaged a friend who is a very chic dater: “Just ask him his most problematic opinion… Honestly, it’s the best opener.” I wore black, because I always wear black, and I unbuttoned my shirt one lower than usual. I kissed my partner and my dog, Celine Dion, goodbye. And off I went.

The date was fun, the sex was wild – not better or worse, but invigorating in its difference. Kissing was, bizarrely, harder than anything else because a kiss with a stranger these days feels more intimate, and until then that intimacy had been reserved only for my partner.

When I arrived home that night after sleeping with the first person who wasn’t my boyfriend in seven years, I felt, simply, glad to climb into bed next to him. But also, perhaps, like I was beginning to undo three decades of conditioning towards monogamy. A monogamy which, until then, I’d held on to so tightly it was as likely to suffocate me, or my partner, as the worrisome potential of finding someone better.

See, the thing about our monogamous relationship was that the desire we had for others never went away. It was simply annexed in our brain, right there next to Catholicism and the bad exes. That’s not to say it was repressed. I don’t know a single person in a monogamous relationship who doesn’t flirt, have crushes, perhaps overstep the mark in someone’s DMs. A lot of people cheat, too. It’s been this way for aeons and it will be this way for aeons to come (or until the next pesky mass extinction event hits). And annexing this desire is perfectly fine, but when you simply ask the question, “But why?”, finding a solid answer becomes difficult.

The day after I’d consummated our open relationship, we packed a bag and drove to the countryside for a friend’s baby’s christening. The atmosphere in the car as we drove out of London was one of deep, icy tension. We could not seem to find the right song to narrate the moment, for the whole 90-minute trip, until I burst and said: “OK, we fucked!”

We decided there and then, on the A419 on the way to celebrate the choices of some dear friends who had done what they were supposed to do and moved to the countryside to raise their perfect child, that this open thing was a terrible idea.

My partner is the love of my life. Something – perhaps the only thing, except that blondes really do have more fun – I feel sure of. A climate crisis brings daily anxiety, the newspapers are littered with transphobia, the government goes beyond incompetence to arrive somewhere between casual cruelty and calculated fascism. And on days where it feels as if there is very little to live for, just looking at him still reminds me that there is something so good in the world. Something with meaning.

See I am, and always have been, a sucker for love, romance and utter dedication – a paradox with my ever-intensifying queer politic. For a long time, it was me who had a desperate stake in our monogamy. I am the kind of person who people describe as “so attractive” but, because of my hairy belly and flagrant femininity, it’s often followed by: “I’m always attracted to people over bodies.” Well, good for you. But for me, attraction has always found me in spite of my body, not because of it. And plainly put, my boyfriend has both: charm, vigour – and abs.

‘Like every gay from a small town, I believed I was Carrie Bradshaw’: Tom Rasmussen.
‘Like every gay from a small town, I believed I was Carrie Bradshaw’: Tom Rasmussen.

Now I don’t want to be shallow: I wouldn’t want to say that the only reason I clung tightly to monogamy was because I’m a six and he’s a nine. It’s also a Catholic upbringing, every bit of culture I’ve consumed, the fact I believed I was, like every gay from a small town, Carrie Bradshaw. And I was looking for “can’t-live-without-each-other-love”, because, really, I’d never felt like I’d really been properly loved before. By anyone. Romantic or not. And so, when I built futures in my head they were monogamous. It was all I had ever seen. And I had made love, commitment and true romance all synonymous with monogamy.

At the christening we barely spoke. On the outside we were still the perfect gay couple: cooing over the baby, congratulating our friends, telling jokes only marginally over the edge of inappropriate for a christening. And for that day, everything appeared blissfully normal. But normality can be suffocating. On the way home, in the car, we broke: “Oh my God that was so normal we can’t cope.” So we checked ourselves into a cheap hotel that night, halfway between London and the Cotswolds, got absolutely hammered and defined the rules of our new setup. And at that point, there were no rules. Just communication. And that we can stop whenever either of us wants.

The second person I had sex with approached me in a bar and described what he wanted to do to me. I’d never felt a turn-on like it. Not that I’m not turned on by my partner – because various types of desire, of turn-on, are not mutually exclusive. Desire, as I’m learning, exists on various planes, in various spaces. Herein lay a huge learning curve: in an open relationship, you begin to experience totally varied and different types of desire to the type of desire you feel in a monogamous setup. I’ve had fast sex, slow sex, hot sex, sex I regret. I’ve made love to a stranger and had feelingless sex with a good friend.

The more people we told, the more we were asked my mother’s fated question: “How do you know he won’t find someone better than you?” After pushing back, I realised this wasn’t my friends and my mother telling me I was shit and my partner could – and perhaps should – find another, better partner. It was that everyone worries about this, too, in their own relationships. We’re all terrified that we are phonies and that if someone else came along we would be exposed and left to become the Miss Havisham type we were always destined to be.

The truth is, I don’t know he won’t find someone better than me. But can you know that in a monogamous relationship either? No. In fact, the answer, after a year of making mistakes and communicating about them in ways we never did before, is that it’s liberating to accept that. It’s freeing to see the end, because in seeing the end you have a reason to keep choosing the relationship.

And to me it has become an absurd claim that it would be possible to find someone better than him. Because a partnership, a love, a life that took seven years to build cannot be torn apart by something as new and naive as lust and, at most, momentary love. They are different emotions. They both provide rich experience, but they are in no way comparable. If anything, my tendencies towards jealousy and self-doubt have simmered away somewhat – because here was our get-out clause. And we are still in.

“It’s easier for queer couples,” a heterosexual friend told me, after I told her. And I think, for countless reasons, this is true: like the fact the centre still sees our relationships as fringe; the fact that sex for a lot of queer people is a mode of finding community, touch and family; the fact that we were kept out of normative conventions of relationships until a brutally recent seven years ago. But, at the same time, there is still the same fear, the same worry, the same risk of loss. So easier feels like too easy a word. Perhaps more accepted.

Culturally, we always think about the rush of the new: those heady days when you meet your partner and every move they make drives you to distraction. Then we do the merry dance of less sex, less communication, less fun, more bills, more plans, more stress, until we die or someone leaves.

And, yes, with every new partner I’ve been lucky enough to have an experience with over this moment in our relationship, I’ve experienced the rush of the new. But the rush of the new spills over into my primary partnership, too: new dynamics form, each scenario brings with it something for us to negotiate, and our sex is more adventurous than ever: perhaps because we learned new moves elsewhere or perhaps because we have a reinvigorated sense of desire for each other knowing that someone, elsewhere, has found this body in front of you desirable in new ways, too.

Our open relationship wasn’t born out of a lack of sex. Don’t worry, we’ve had that phase and we really did consider going open. But we decided then that if we were ever to do it, it couldn’t come from a place of trying to cure a wound, or fill a gap. That’s when the primary partnership ends. In fact, we’d only recently talked about getting married and then we decided to try the idea that non-monogamy might be an even more immense, powerful commitment to each other than a ring and a register.

How could that be possible? How could sleeping with other people be more of a commitment than marriage? Because in sleeping with others you are allowing your partner a deeper expression of their desires. Marriage is fantastic in many ways, but it is also a means of state control – one which produces couples who care for each other, and children who will become workers. But in the case of openness, I am committing to the fullness of his desires and mine, and the risks that come with expressing them. Commitment is another word I had got wrong, too. I always equated it with sacrifice, but I’m coming to learn it means a willingness to understand the changes in a person, to understand their fullness.

Of course, there are hard parts. With certain aspects – silly insecurities, double standards, needing to know every detail – you have to take on the individual responsibility of self-management of (some of) your own emotions. You have to accept that sometimes you are going to feel strange things and that your partner cannot be responsible for curing them. Or even always listening to them if they are unfair and unfounded. I’d been on multiple dates with someone, and felt deep worry when he told me he was going on a second. This was a feeling I had to– with the help of generous friends – self-manage. And lo and behold, he came home after what he described as an “impossibly average” date.

Something I’ve come to learn, something necessary for the success of truly any relationship, is that love is not control. Monogamy, too, is not control – and this is not my accusation. Because whether monogamous, open, polyamorous, the terms of the relationship should be agreed upon by each person within it, mutually, and not simply put there because it’s what – literally – the Bible says. I have radical queer friends who adore monogamy. I’ve met viscerally dull couples who are radically polyamorous. There’s no rhyme or reason for who it fits.

But the point is that non-monogamy is actually about care. It’s about seeing your partner, and yourself, as someone separate to you who has desires, feelings, emotions that they want to, and should be able to, share with other people – not just you. For us, at least, it’s created a dynamic of tantalising flux: one where sometimes you feel lonely, sometimes you feel powerful, sometimes you feel more in love than ever. But in understanding these dynamics that whirl around inside, and between, us both it feels more likely than ever that neither of us will find a better partner. Because if we can learn with empathy, compassion and selflessness to understand each other in what is deemed such a testing situation; if we can both let each other go for an evening every now and then, the reunion feels so much sweeter. Because you come home to someone who is committing to work hard to see you, to make space in their complicated emotional life for yours. And vice versa. That feels like more commitment, more love, than anything I’ve experienced before.

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How polyamorous people are marking commitment to multiple partners

By Suzannah Weiss

Sarah Brylinsky, a 34-year-old working in higher education in Ithaca, N.Y., is legally married to 36-year-old farm manager Brandon Brylinsky. Two years ago, on a camping trip a decade into their relationship, they met 35-year-old Matte Namer, the founder of a real estate firm.

The Brylinskys and Namer are polyamorous, which means they are open to romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. After meeting two years ago, they started going on dates together, and soon after, Namer moved in with the Brylinskys. Now, the three plan to have a child, and they want to make their relationship official so that they can be recognized by their community as a family.

But how do you make a relationship official when there are three people in it?

Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy — when people have more than one sexual or romantic partner at once with all partners’ permission. A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology found that one in nine single American adults had engaged in polyamory.

In legal terms, polyamorous people are unable to marry all their of partners: It is illegal throughout the United States to marry more than one person at a time. Somerville, Mass., is thought to be the first U.S. city to legally recognize polyamorous domestic partnerships, which it started doing in 2020.

However, people like Namer and the Brylinskys are utilizing an option that symbolically, though not legally, binds all three of them: a commitment ceremony.

Commitment ceremonies are events that celebrate any number of people’s commitment to one another, and they can look many different ways, according to Connecticut-based marriage and family therapist Kristen C. Dew.

She’s seen some that “resemble the typical monogamous couples’ weddings,” she said, while others are parties or outdoor gatherings. She also said that “many opt for handfasting ceremonies,” or choose unique items as symbols of their love.

The ceremony that Namer and the Brylinskys are planning will be similar to a wedding. They’re discarding some traditions: They’ll have a cookie table instead of a cake, for example. But they will all make vows to one another. In addition, the Brylinskys will create a joint vow just for Namer, and vice versa, they said.

“We met Matte as a couple; there was a relationship that came before them, and it’s both important to establish that we made a family together and to acknowledge that we transitioned our existing relationship to make room for that,” Sarah said.

Ambyr D’Amato, a wedding planner based in New York, is helping to plan this ceremony. She said she has worked with several other polyamorous people on commitment ceremonies: In one of them, a couple that was already married waited at the end of the aisle, and the third person walked down the aisle to symbolically join them.

“It was important to [the third person], since they were not legally married to anybody, that they had a ceremony where they could involve their family and have things be more in the open,” D’Amato said. The event took place in Central Park, she added, replete with flowers, champagne, oysters and live music.

Another commitment ceremony D’Amato planned was between two people who were both legally married to other people, and each person’s partner was present to give their blessing. Afterward, they threw a dance party with their family and friends.

“I like that I can provide access to a heart-opening and connected time for people,” D’Amato said. “I also like that I can help them think outside of the box: You can do whatever you want. Nothing has to look a certain way.”

Many people are embracing the notion that their relationship doesn’t have to be celebrated with a traditional wedding, and opting for commitment ceremonies instead — even those whose relationships only involve two people.

Rachael, a 37-year-old writer, and Tom, a 36-year-old tech adviser — both based in Santa Barbara, Calif. — were legally married for financial and logistical reasons in 2015, but they publicly became each other’s spouses during a commitment ceremony on the lawn of the Santa Barbara courthouse six months earlier.

“We felt it was a better fit for us, being pretty nontraditional in many ways,” Rachael said. “We wanted to be very intentional about how we celebrated our commitment.”

Rachael and Tom, who spoke on the condition that only their first names be used, said they are non-monogamous and are open to committing themselves to an additional partner. Part of the reason they joined through a commitment ceremony is so that, if they do decide to hold another one with a third person, all three of them will be on the same footing, they said.

And as a genderqueer, pansexual person holding this ceremony in 2015 — before same-sex marriage was legal throughout the U.S. — Rachael wanted to stand in solidarity with queer people who couldn’t legally marry their partners, Rachael said.

To reflect the nontraditional nature of their relationship, Rachael wore blue, and instead of the gendered roles of bridesmaids and groomsmen, they designated a group they called “their people” to walk down the aisle one by one.

Jessica Fern, a Boulder-based psychotherapist who works with polyamorous people, touted the potential benefits of ceremonies like this.

“When someone experiences legal marginalization for their relationship structure or style, commitment ceremonies can go a long way to deepen a relationship, publicly acknowledge its significance, and even assuage some of the pain and injustice that being a minority can create,” she said.

Fern’s clients who have undergone commitment ceremonies have reported feeling more secure in their relationships as a result, she said: “They have more of a structure that they can rely on that’s bigger than just them. They can lean on each other in hard times, like, ‘I made this commitment.’ ”

But many non-monogamous people say they don’t feel safe holding an event as public as a commitment ceremony, because of existing stigma. And while those in polyamorous relationships can work with lawyers to secure certain legal protections (Namer and the Brylinskys are working with the Chosen Family Law Center to ensure they all have equal status as parents of their future child), a commitment ceremony does not confer the same rights as a legal wedding.

Some non-monogamous people hope that this will change in the future. “We have the right to be with our loved ones and share the resources that we would normally get to share in a monogamous context,” Fern said.

Still, Fern thinks anyone wanting to make an official commitment to a partner can learn from non-monogamous commitment ceremonies.

“There are so many traditions that we do in monogamous weddings, and we’re like, why do we do this?” she said. “Why do you throw the bouquet? … Why is the father giving the bride away? As people are questioning [these norms], they’re able to have even their own monogamous wedding that feels aligned with them and their values and their relationship.”

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Are we destined for multiple loves?

Millennials think we are

Jemima Kirke, Sasha Lane, Alison Oliver, and Joe Alwyn in the TV adaptation of Conversations with Friends.

“Is it possible we could develop an alternative model of loving each other?” This is the question posed by the character Bobbi in Sally Rooney’s debut novel Conversations with Friends, and is a core tenet of the story. Spoken by a 21-year-old, are these words merely youthful idealism?

By Lauren Ironmonger

Conversations with Friends follows university students Bobbi and Frances, whose lives become entangled with those of a wealthy couple in their 30s, Melissa and Nick. Similar to Rooney’s Normal People, it’s set in Dublin but rather than an intense love story, Conversations with Friends depicts monogamy (and the prospect of marriage) as rather bleak. Melissa and Nick sleep in separate beds and have both had affairs. The affair Nick has with Frances, the core plot line, seems to reinvigorate their marriage and they return to monogamous life. The farce is that the success of their “monogamous” relationship hinges precisely on the relationships that exist outside of it.

Now, the novel has been adapted for television as a limited series on Amazon Prime, starring Alison Oliver, Sasha Lane, Jemima Kirke, and Joe Alwyn.

In an interview with The Telegraph London, Kirke spoke of the cognitive shift the role required her to make. “It’s remarkable that someone of that age [Rooney] has so much discipline and focus, but as I was finally reading the book, I was thinking, ‘This is marriage written from the perspective of a 22-year-old.’ I don’t think that’s good or bad. Her writing is beautiful but there were moments when I struggled to make something work.”

Kirke, 37, is no stranger to married life and its potential to fail after splitting with her husband of eight years in 2017. And while she’s not opposed to marriage, she does take a more carefree approach to it. “The perspective of marriage as something super-permanent and spiritual is really antiquated.”

Jennifer Pinkerton spoke to more than 100 Australians aged under 40 for her book Heartland: What is the future of modern love? She says that the decline in people getting married is not a phenomenon that’s just relegated to Millennials and Gen Z. “Globally, marriage has been a downward travelling trend for 50 years now. When we speak about fewer people getting married, it’s not just the younger generations.” (The only exception to this, she notes, is gay marriage).

Certainly, however, this downward trend has accelerated in the past decade. In 2020, 78,989 marriages were registered in Australia, a 30.6 per cent decrease from 2019, and the largest annual drop ever reported by the ABS since 1961. Obviously COVID-19 has played a role but there are other key trends too. Pinkerton suggests that a high divorce rate means young people, seeing their parents getting divorced, have grown disillusioned with marriage. Global instability is another big one. “Climate change and war mean that the future is less certain,” says Georgia Grace, a Sydney-based sex and relationship therapist. She adds that the sex positive movement means that acceptance for different relationship models is changing.

Nina Lee, 32, is part of this declining group. A Sydney-based hairdresser and owner of Extra Silky, she married her long-term partner Aedan Lee during lockdown last year. While the couple isn’t religious and didn’t face familial pressure, marrying was just something they both knew would happen. “It felt like a natural progression”, she says, adding that it was about “solidifying our love.”

Alice, 22 (who is using a pseudonym for privacy reasons) lives in Sydney, and has been in a monogamous relationship for three-and-a-half years. Both are bisexual, and her partner identifies as non-binary. “Love is a choice to be together”, she says. “I can’t imagine anything less romantic than having a legal document officiate my relationship.”

For Millennials, there can be certain dealbreakers in finding love. Harriet, 34, has never wanted children. “Even when I was a little girl, I never played house with dolls – if anything I would play ‘dog mummy and daddy’.” Harriet’s last serious relationship ended after seven years. In her early 20s, the question of kids wasn’t such a concern. Now, it can make dating a little more complicated. “I make sure to talk kids and politics on the first or second date.”

Are rigid constraints of marriage a thing of the past? “Younger generations are now more likely to crave fulfillment, connection and flexibility rather than permanence in relationships,” says Pinkerton.

Polyamory, then, is a natural result of this shift in values. Georgia Grace says that she is increasingly working with people interested in exploring this. While popular perception of polyamory is that it’s just about promiscuity, there’s no singular model for what it can look like. “I work with couples to create a relationship structure that works for them,” she says. “Non-violent communication, consent and having a network of supportive, sex positive friends and family are at its core.”

In Melbourne, Emil, 29, works supporting people living with HIV, and is also a sex worker. They document encounters with clients and lovers on Instagram, posting polaroids of men alongside captions about the intimacy of the meeting.

The overwhelming majority of clients are straight men. Their reasons for visiting are myriad – for many, it’s a means to be a version of themselves outside of monogamous, heterosexual love, for others it’s a way of indulging a fetish or sheer curiosity. One quote accompanies an Instagram story picturing a man’s chest: “I hope you understand how hard this is for me. I always have my religion at the back of my head.”

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What’s an Open Marriage?

Here’s What to Know About the Relationship Style

For one, it’s an arrangement built on lots of trust and communication.

By Emma Glassman-Hughes

The concept of open marriage has long existed in society’s periphery. Couples consensually creating mutual arrangements that work for their needs is a good thing, but historically, the subject has been too taboo to be talked about openly. Thankfully, recent years have seen a shift in society’s attitude towards alternative relationship styles. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s willingness to be candid about their open marriage—whether it’s on Jada’s web series Red Table Talk or in magazine profiles—and other celebs who’ve been outspoken about their flexible marriage agreements (like Mo’Nique and husband Sidney Hicks and Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers) have given way to a greater cultural understanding of open relationships or marriages. But still, misconceptions persist.

Sex educator, author, and therapist Lucie Fielding says open marriages get falsely characterized in all sorts of ways. For one, some people cast them off as desperate attempts to hold together relationships that are failing anyway. But Fielding says that’s far from what open marriage is about.

“There’s sometimes this misconception that you’re trying to fix something in your partner or in your relationship,” she tells Cosmopolitan. “It’s not about that. It’s about being honest, it’s about [creating] an agreement, it’s about growing with one another.”

She says some people fear open relationships because they fear jealousy. But Fielding says she believes the presence of jealousy is not actually a bad thing. “The presence of unprocessed jealousy is the problem,” she says. And opening up your marriage can help you work through some of those feelings together.

Atlanta-based sex educator Wendasha Jenkins Hall, PhD, founder of The Sensible Sexpert, says another misconception is that open marriages have no structure.

“When we think of open marriage, a lot of people assume it’s a free-for-all,” she says. But the truth is that open marriages often have tons of structure—it’s just structure that the spouses have created together, tailored to their specific needs, rather than a blind acceptance of the normative structure that defines monogamous marriages.

“More often than not, the [open] couple has boundaries around what takes place, when it takes place, and who they can engage sexually,” Hall explains.

There are plenty of reasons to open up a marriage, like exploring different desires, kinks, or sexualities. Maybe an open marriage is a way to make up for the discordance between aromantic and alloromantic spouses. But if you’ve only ever known monogamous relationships, it’s hard to know if an open marriage could be right for you. Read on for everything you’ve ever wanted to know about open marriages and why you might want to try one for yourself.

What is an open marriage, and what is it not?

Hall says an open marriage starts with “two individuals who’ve come together legally and spiritually” but who permit one another to engage in sexual or romantic relationships with other people.

“That’s just the baseline of what we think an open marriage is,” she says. “But there are specific boundaries that are put in place for each couple. The beauty of an open marriage is that it’s really up to the couple about what they consider an open marriage.”

She explains that open relationships of any kind—and open marriages especially—are a mix of rigorous boundary-making and total imaginative freedom. The limitlessness of an open marriage is grounded in a lot of hard work shared equally by the couple, and all parties should be aware of the expectations.

So what is an open marriage not? Static or binding. “What openness implies is there’s a possibility of closure,” Fielding says, meaning that, above all else, open marriages should be responsive to the needs of you and your spouse. If the two of you decide that, meh, this whole open marriage thing isn’t for you, you can close it right back up and carry on with your monogamous lifestyle.

The same way having kids is probably not going to repair a broken relationship, opening up your marriage is not a band-aid for other relationship problems. “Open marriage is never something to use to fix a relationship,” Fielding warns. “That will only exacerbate the issue.”

What are the different forms an open marriage can take?

Open marriages and relationships, more broadly, are highly specialized to the needs of you and your partner(s), so there’s really an infinite number of ways to express your relationship.

To appreciate the many forms an open marriage could take, Fielding refers clients to the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord. It’s basically a big flow chart full of relationship characteristics, wants, and needs—everything from ways you like to be touched to ways you relate hierarchically or financially. You and your partner(s) get to mark up the chart with your yeses and your nos and your maybe-in-the-futures, filling up your metaphorical plate with all the goods that you mutually agree would make your relationship the most delicious.

Some open marriage agreements have names that we all recognize. Swingers, for example, are couples who choose to engage with other couples together. They might go to a swingers’ club or party where they’ll hook up with other couples and engage in some partner-swapping. In that instance, Hall says, their rules might stipulate that they only engage with other couples when they’re together, and not individually. “That’s still an open marriage,” she says.

Some couples prefer to open their marriages in different ways, allowing each spouse to “have a girlfriend, boyfriend, or sexual partner on the outside” that their spouse isn’t involved with at all, Hall says.

Some outside partner(s) may actually live with the married couple. “It may be what we think of as polygamy, but it’s not always,” she explains. “You could have a married couple that has a live-in girlfriend, boyfriend, or romantic partner. It really is how the couple is defining it.”

What’s the difference between open marriages, polyamory, polygamy, ethical non-monogamy, and just plain cheating?

Sometimes these terms are used interchangeably, but they describe different things. Polyamory, for example, typically involves more intimate, loving relationships between multiple people, whereas an open marriage could involve any kind of extraneous relationship on the attachment spectrum, from a deep emotional connection to a one-night stand. Where they overlap, though, is that both polyamory and open marriages are expressions of ethical non-monogamy. This, Hall says, means you have to inform your partner of your desire to open up your marriage, and they have to consent to it.

An open marriage without that mutual understanding would constitute cheating, unless you and your partner specified otherwise. “In an ethically non-monogamous open marriage, you have an agreement, you create boundaries,” she says, as opposed to “cheating” or “being manipulative.”

“If a person feels they have to do it in order to keep their partner—like, I have to engage in this threesome or I have to allow my partner to go out and sleep with people because that’s the only way they’ll stay with me—then you’re being coerced,” Hall adds. “That’s not consent.”

As for polygamy, while an open marriage may involve multiple loving, connected relationships, it does not always involve multiple marriages, which is what polygamy is. Fielding says there’s sometimes slippage in people’s understandings of polygamy and open marriages, but they’re typically two distinct relationship styles.

What if I’m interested in an open marriage but I don’t know where to start?

Fielding recommends that you educate yourself about open relationships and nontraditional relationship structures before you bring this desire to your partner. “Dig into the various structures that are possible and think of what feels best for you and your partner—the couple at the heart of this agreement,” she says. Browse through Liz Powell’s book Building Open Relationships, and Jessica Fern’s Polysecure. Scan online forums and groups like Ready for Polyamory. And once you feel ready to take your findings to your partner, be prepared to be flexible.

“The structure is developed in concert with each partner and what they need,” Fielding says.

If you need help navigating the transition with your partner—which, like, you’re trying something brand-new here! It’s totally chill to want some expert guidance—Fielding recommends seeking relationship therapy or coaching with a professional who specializes in non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships.

What if my partner and I don’t agree on opening up our marriage?

Sometimes, one spouse wants to open the marriage while the other doesn’t. Hall says this requires some compromise, which isn’t always even. “A lot of time, that compromise ends up coming from the person who wants to open things up,” she says. “That can cause problems and lead to resentment that spills into other aspects of the relationship.”

That being said, Fielding explains there’s a fine line between expressing your own relationship needs and pressuring a partner into opening a relationship. If one of you is resistant to opening the relationship, the goal shouldn’t be to convince the other partner, she says. “It’s not about setting an ultimatum because that’s exerting power and control over the relationship.”

She adds: “If you’re feeling coerced, there’s no agency or forum to process feelings, fears, anxieties, or jealousy. And that’s something to really look at.”

Not everyone is going to be open to the idea of an open marriage. But Hall notes that “there are plenty of partners who’ve successfully navigated the process of opening up their marriage.”

Some open up a marriage and quickly decide it’s not for them. That’s okay too. You can close it back up or adapt in whatever ways you and your spouse see fit.

“An agreement is a deep conversation between partners that is renegotiable over time, as things happen over a relationship,” Fielding says. “Our relationships are constantly going through transitions just as our bodies are. It’s an opportunity to grow.”

How can I know if an open marriage would work for me?

Because monogamy is the default dynamic for most couples, it’s normal to be curious about open relationships but unsure of how it might work for you.

It’s totally possible for marriages that started off as traditionally monogamous to transition into something open. If, as you grow as a couple, you see that your sexual or romantic needs aren’t being completely met by your spouse alone, then it might be time for a conversation about opening up your marriage.

“It’s never healthy to make your partner responsible for all of your sexual or romantic needs, wants, and overall happiness,” Hall says. “There are some things that your partner is not gonna be able to do for you all of the time, and you shouldn’t expect that.”

But in order to make your open marriage work, both spouses have to be willing to put in the necessary effort. “It’s a constant conversation. It’s not a ‘set it and forget it,’” Hall says. “Our relationships evolve, especially relationships we’ve been in for a long time.”

Opening up a marriage invites a lot of exciting possibilities but also a lot of emotional considerations. After all, an open marriage means you’re adding onto your existing dynamic. “When you’re inviting other people into your marriage, you’re also inviting other emotions and other personalities,” Hall says. “The people who we go and sleep with, they’re not our sex toys. They’re not just people that we use and dispose of. They have their own feelings, they have their own personalities that we have to manage as well.” How you handle and maintain those other relationships is also a conversation you should have with yourself, your partner, and everyone involved.

While, yes, there are a lot of moving parts, ultimately an open marriage is an opportunity to be honest with yourself and your partner about how best to meet both of your needs while still remaining committed to one another and the relationship you’ve built together. And that, in and of itself, can bring you closer.

“It’s important to remember that even within a monogamous or closed context there’s still a set of relationship agreements,” Fielding says. Open relationships just force you to outline them explicitly and intentionally—something every relationship could benefit from more of, no matter how you slice it.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Polyamory vs. an Open Relationship

— What’s the Difference?

By Emma Singer

There’s been some buzz about ethical non-monogamy of late, and even if sanctioned sleeping around is so not your cup of tea, you might still be a little curious to know how it works. Well, that depends on what type of ethical non-monogamy you’re talking about—because, yes, these types of relationships come in different forms. So let’s start with polyamory vs. open relationships: It might sound like the former is just a fancier way of referring to the latter, but that’s not the case. There’s plenty of overlap between polyamorous and open relationships (*draws venn diagram*), but there are meaningful differences, too. We went to clinical psychologist Dr. Bethany Cook to help parse the details. Read on for the full scoop.

What is polyamory?

Does your love tank have enough for more than one person? If you’re in a polyamorous relationship the answer is ‘yes.’ This type of ethical non-monogamy isn’t about having more sex (though there will likely be more of that, too), it’s about having the freedom to fall in love and share an emotional connection with more than one person. What makes this ethical is that all involved parties are on the same page, which means the details of the arrangement are up for discussion. Beyond that, there aren’t too many rules.

Interestingly enough, polyamory doesn’t necessarily mean every person in the relationship has more than one love interest. Someone who identifies as solo poly is in a relationship with just one person, and that one person has an outside relationship, or several. In other words, solo poly is polygamy, polyandry or some (possibly non-binary) combination of the two that everyone feels good about. In other instances, both partners have outside relationships.

There are also open poly relationships—meaning that new partners can be brought on board—and closed poly relationships, in which the group is done growing. Whatever the case may be, the key to polyamory is that all relationships are considered equal—you know, so that everyone in the love triangle (square, pentagon, what have you) feels empowered, happy and secure. 

All this might sound like a lot of extra work, but Cook tells us that a healthy poly relationship can actually make things easier for some folks—namely because, if you’re doing it right, “you’re not responsible all the time for everyone’s needs. In fact, yours and everyone else’s needs can be met more consistently when there are options because there’s more support present.” (It takes a village, right?)

What is an open relationship?

Now it’s time to talk about open relationships. Fortunately, the concept here is a little simpler in that it just involves two partners who agree that it’s a-OK to have casual (but safe) sex with other people. The key word, though, is casual. In open relationships, emotional intimacy is exclusive to the two romantic partners, so feelings aren’t supposed to enter into the picture when it comes to outside sexual experiences. In general, couples who enter into this type of relationship enjoy both physical and emotional intimacy with one another and are fully committed, but have determined that both parties benefit from the sexual exploration and freedom that comes from keeping the below-the-belt borders, well, open.

What’s the difference between polyamory and open relationships?

The major difference between polyamory and open relationships is that, with the latter, one relationship is the clear priority and the rest is just some hot, sweaty sex on the side. Polyamory, on the other hand, is a much bigger investment in that it revolves around the idea that it’s possible to maintain full-blown romantic relationships—sex, emotional intimacy, commitment and all—with more than one person at the same time.

That said, both relationship styles represent a rejection of the more traditional, monogamous coupling in favor of a less constricting experience of romance. It’s also worth noting that in both polyamorous and open relationships, unhealthy power dynamics shouldn’t be present, and boundaries must be discussed and mutually agreed upon before the arrangement is underway (and consistently thereafter), lest it turn into a not-so-ethical non-monogamous situation. Bottom line: If monogamy feels unnatural to you, find someone who’s willing to explore some other options…but, whatever you do, remember that “being able to openly talk about and respect each other’s individual needs is important,” says Cook. Oh, and be sure to avoid the yucky patriarchal stuff, too.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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An Exploration of Ethical Non-Monogamy

Defining the terms and risks that come with unconventional relationships

By Michelle Talsma Everson

Chris Deaton and Elisha Thompson have been together over a dozen years and share a home lined with photos of family and friends in the college town of Tempe, Ariz., where they both work at Arizona State University. Both are graduate students and volunteer for causes they’re passionate about.

As they schedule their busy lives, they make sure to keep space available for Thompson’s husband of over 20 years, as she sees him most often for Wednesday lunch and Sunday dinner.

As Thompson’s primary partner in their polyamorous relationship, Deaton isn’t close friends with Thompson’s husband, but they are amicable — making sure to circle each other respectfully so that Thompson can include both men in her life. It’s an untraditional set up, but one that works for them and a growing number of people who are embracing polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy.

What is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Deaton and Thompson identify as polyamorous, which is a relationship style where participants can engage in multiple romantic or sexual relationships with the consent and knowledge of those involved. What this looks like in day-to-day life varies. It is one of multiple relationship practices under the umbrella term of ethical non-monogamy (ENM).

“So for me, the ‘why’ behind polyamory is that it is possible to love more than one person and relationships don’t all have to look the same.”

“Honestly, for me, polyamory just happened,” Thompson explains about her journey. “I fell in love with someone after I was married. I also still loved my husband, and it did not feel honorable for me to just walk away from that relationship just because it no longer looked like it did when we got married. So for me, the ‘why’ behind polyamory is that it is possible to love more than one person and relationships don’t all have to look the same.”

As a broad term, ENM covers a wide array of open relationship dynamics. The common denominator is consent — all parties involved know and fully consent to the open nature of the relationships. It is estimated that one fifth of the population has participated in an ENM relationship at some point in their lives.

Deaton and Thompson share that their lives have been changed for the better because of their journey into polyamory. Both advocates for education, the two founded their own nonprofit organization called Truly Beloved, which is dedicated to the education and support of a sex positive lifestyle.

Under the Truly Beloved banner they regularly teach classes and facilitate both virtual and in-person discussion groups centered on non-monogamy.

“For most folks, I believe non-monogamy offers an opportunity to live a different lifestyle that aligns more with how their hearts feel rather than what society has said is deemed appropriate,” Deaton says.

Ethical Non-Monogamy Terminology

While ENM is a term that encompasses a wide variety of practices, some forms of ethically non-monogamous relationships include:

Polyamory: Polyamory focuses on maintaining multiple relationships with everyone’s consent and knowledge. Within these relationship styles, there can be:

  • Solo polyamory: Where someone maintains multiple relationships but not necessarily traditional relationship milestones like living together, joint bank accounts, and others.
  • Hierarchical polyamory: Where those involved have a hierarchy of primary and secondary partners, and often establish rules to go with the order.
  • Non-hierarchical polyamory: Where there is no stated order or “main couple.”

Swinging: When an established couple has sex with other couples.

Open Relationships: Where couples are open to other romantic or sexual partners.

Polyfidelity: A group of partners where everyone is equal in the group relationship, and no one establishes relationships outside of the group.

Relationship Anarchy: An approach to relationships that often has few established rules or expectations other than the ones agreed upon by the people in the relationships.

ENM After a Life of Monogamy

For those who are interested in ENM in their later years, Deaton has some words of wisdom. “Ask yourself why and figure out what exactly appeals to you and what you are looking for on this journey,” he says. “Read a few books, ask people that participate some questions. Develop some boundaries related to personal physical and emotional safety — it is nice to have some guardrails when first exploring a new world.”

“Then I always tell people to ask themselves, ‘If you were looking to date, would you date you? If not, why?’ In my experience, most of the work needed by people looking to get into non-monogamy is the deconstructing and removing of past ideals and norms and learning to look at intimate relationships in a new light,” he adds.

Deaton’s go-to book list for those curious about ENM and polyamory include: “Polysecure,” “More Than Two,” “The Four Agreements,” “Emotional Intelligence 2.0,” “The Jealousy Handbook,” “Life on the Swingset”, “Open,” and “Opening Up.”

“Polyamory is hard and requires vulnerability, complete honesty and compromise.”

Susan Wright is the founder of the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF), a national nonprofit organization that advocates for the equal rights for consenting adults who engage in alternative sexual and relationship expressions. She has identified as non-monogamous for decades.

“Local polyamory meetups seem to be the most common way to get access to community events and socials,” she says. “Go slow and start talking about it. You have to be able to talk about it before you can do it. You can start exploring as a team, if that’s more comfortable for you, and make agreements together, like a safe word you can use that is the signal to stop and step away to talk to each other.”

Out of the Shadows, Not Out of the Woods

While ethical non-monogamy is becoming more common, it’s not without its risks. 

“Polyamorous people are discriminated against because of their relationships. If it comes out at work, polyamorous people can be harassed or even sexually harassed, and yet the workplace will label the polyamorous person as the distraction when they’re being treated badly,” Wright says. “You can also have child custody issues due to the fact that family courts don’t like it when multiple adults live together in a house with children, even though many multigenerational and extended families live together without being discriminated against.”

She advises that anyone who experiences discrimination due to ethical non-monogamy contact the NCSF for a list of resources to help.

And, of course, entering an ethically non-monogamous relationship can bring up issues that need to be navigated within already established relationships.

“Polyamory is hard and requires vulnerability, complete honesty, and compromise,” Thompson says. “I live with my day-to-day partner [Deaton] and spend time with my husband multiple times a week. That on top of work, writing, and other responsibilities means that I rarely get time alone to just relax and reflect. Having multiple partners means that your time is even more limited. I also often struggle with feeling guilty when I’m not available to do something with one of my partners.”

She continues, “On the other side, I often struggle with jealousy too — just because I have two partners doesn’t mean I’m immune to jealousy. It is all worth it, but it is something that everyone should consider before taking the leap into polyamory.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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The difference between ethical non-monogamy and cheating

By Julia Naftulin

  • In monogamous relationships, a range of intimate interactions with other people could be considered cheating.
  • This can lead to confusion about ethically non-monogamous relationships, where someone has multiple partners but isn’t cheating.
  • According to a therapist, cheating isn’t black-and-white, but defined by an agreement partners make.

People in monogamous relationships can’t seem to agree on what “cheating” entails: A kiss with a stranger? A drunken one-night stand? Exchanging flirty texts with a colleague?

But for people in ethically non-monogamous relationships, there’s a clear line between faithfulness and infidelity, and it has nothing to do with whether or not other parties are involved.

It all comes down to breaching a partner’s trust, Rachel Wright, a sex and relationship therapist who is also in a non-monogamous relationship, told Insider. (Wright uses the term “non-monogamy” without the modifier “ethical” because it suggests relationship setups outside of monogamy are inherently unethical, which isn’t the case, she said.)

“Cheating is cheating, because cheating is going against an agreement,” Wright said.

She said there’s no specific sex acts that make up “cheating.” Rather, it’s what partners agree to uphold together.

That means people in any relationship dynamic, whether non-monogamous or monogamous, can cheat on their partners. In both relationship styles, cheating is characterized by a lack of communication and breaking of trust, according to Wright.

Define ‘cheating’ with your partner using as much detail as possible

Society teaches us to avoid conversations about relationships and sex, but getting into the nitty gritty can help you better understand the difference between cheating and non-monogamy, Wright said.

“There are all of these gray areas because we’re humans,” she said, so having an honest and in-depth discussion about what feels good for you and your partner is the best way to define “cheating.”

“They just assume that everyone’s having the same experience, and there’s some relationship rule book that everybody’s going by. We all know, logically, that’s not true,” Wright said.

People in non-monogamous arrangements have more options for their sexual and romantic lives than people in monogamous relationships, which means they over-communicate their expectations and boundaries often.

She gave the example of two people in a polyamorous relationship. They may agree to date outside of their primary relationship, but also set a rule that they don’t invite their prospective partners back to their shared home. If one partner broke that rule, that would be cheating, Wright said.

But if that partner had sex with an outside partner somewhere other than their home, it wouldn’t be cheating.

“Really, the biggest difference is that someone is not ‘in the know.’ Someone is being blindsided,” Wright said.

To get a better understanding of what “cheating” means to you, Wright suggested examining your personal relationship with jealousy. 

When a person feels jealous, it often signals insecurity, Chapman University psychology professor and relationships researcher Amy Moors previously told Insider.

Rather than create relationship rules that prevent jealousy, it’s healthier to understand how you can care for yourself when that emotion comes up, Wright said.

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What’s the Difference Between Ethical Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships?

Here’s how to determine what’s right for you.

By Zachary Zane

Relationships used to be simpler. Traditionally in the United States, the vast majority of people in relationships were monogamous, whereas the few remaining more “adventurous” couples were in open relationships, meaning they slept with additional folks with the consent and knowledge of their partner.

That was it.

Now people aren’t just in open relationships, they’re in polyamorous, swinging, polyfidelitous, and monogamish relationships too. (And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. There are even more types of relationship styles out there.)

Even though the distinctions between these various relationship labels may seem insignificant, they’re necessary to differentiate the important nuances between each type of sexual and romantic connection.

In this explainer, we’ll break down everything you need to know about the main types of relationships that aren’t monogamous as well as tackle which type of relationship may work best for you and your partner(s).

Ethical non-monogamy

Ethical non-monogamy is an umbrella term for all types of relationships that aren’t monogamous, meaning it includes every single defined term below. The word “ethical” is thrown in to make it abundantly clear that non-monogamy differs from cheating and lying to your partner. In ethically non-monogamous relationships, all partners are aware of the dynamic and consent to their partner(s) either dating or having sex outside of the relationship.

Open relationship

Most simply, an open relationship is one where you can sleep with folks outside of your primary relationship or marriage. People in open relationships typically keep their relationships with others strictly sexual. They’re not trying to date or fall in love with another person—although that sometimes can happen—which can complicate things. There are numerous different types of open relationships, and many folks have various “rules” in place to decrease the likelihood of romance with another person. These rules may prohibit sleeping with the same person more than once, sleeping with friends, sleepovers after sex, and sleeping in the bed the couple share. Whereas some open couples prefer to share the details of their sexual encounters, others have a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” policy. The important thing to note here is that the primary partnership comes first.

Swinging

Swinging falls under the larger “open” umbrella, but has more specific guidelines. As Gigi Engle, a certified sex coach and educator, tells Prevention.com: “Swinging is when a committed couple engages in sexual activities with others as a form of recreation, such as a swingers party. A couple may also private swing with another couple. It’s an activity a couple does together and is usually considered part of their shared sex life.” The key here is noting that these couples swing together. They aren’t having sex with others independently, and more often than not, are having experiences at a designated swingers event.

Monogamish

Almost a decade ago, relationship and sex columnist Dan Savage coined the word “monogamish” to describe relationships that were, for the most part, monogamous, but allowed for little acts of sexual indiscretion (with the partner’s knowledge). Folks in monogamish relationships don’t often have sex outside the relationship. When they do, it’s usually when one person is out of town for work. The sexual flings with others are, for lack of a better word, meaningless. There’s no emotion involved. I’ve noticed that those in monogamish relationships are much more likely to have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy than those in an open relationship, where the primary partners are sleeping with outsiders on a more regular basis.

Polyamorous

Polyamory comes from the Greek “poly” meaning many and Latin “amor” meaning love. Those who are in a polyamorous relationship have an intimate, romantic, and/or sexual relationship with more than one person. What can complicate things are folks who identify as polyamorous, yet are only romantically involved with one person. These people claim the poly label because they want to make it clear that they are open to the idea of loving more than one person at a time—and so too are their partners. They may also be actively dating other individuals, however, at the present moment, they’re currently only in a serious relationship with one person.

Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, we don’t like it when people conflate the two terms.

Polyamorous is different than polygamy, and as someone who identifies as polyamorous, I can tell you confidently that we don’t like it when people wrongfully conflate the two terms.

Polygamy is specifically when one man marries multiple women or vice-a-versa. Typically, however, it refers to the former, whereas polyandry would refer to when one woman has multiple husbands. Polygamy is rooted in a toxic patriarchy, where the man exerts his dominance over women, whereas polyamory (when done correctly) is egalitarian. That’s why individuals in polyamorous relationships typically loathe the conflation between the two.

Hierarchical polyamory

A specific subset of polyamory, those in hierarchical poly actually have a ranking system among their relationships. At the top is the person’s primary partner. Usually those practicing hierarchical poly live with that person, share resources, make decisions together, and they’ve been partners for a long period of time. Secondary partners are, well, secondary. They tend to get less time and resources from their partner. Primary partners also may have “veto power” prohibiting their partner from dating or seeing a specific person.

Many polyamorous folks aren’t fans of hierarchical poly because who wants to be considered a second or third priority? In the past, I know I’ve explained to folks that I have a boyfriend, but also date other people, which, in my mind, illustrates the same notion of hierarchical poly without the formality. However, folks who prefer hierarchical poly like the fact that there are clear expectations that come with the hierarchy, which can make the relationship(s) easier. If there’s ever a conflict, everyone knows the main person will side with his or her primary partner. That’s to be expected.

“Having a hierarchical poly relationship may be attractive in all the large parts it entails,” explains Engle. “You have a primary partner—one you can come home to and have a solid, ‘normal’ life with, as well as a secondary partner you can date, love, and have an entirely different kind of relationship with. It also helps to combat jealousy by knowing that if you’re the primary partner, you’re going to be the most important person in their life.”

Polyfidelity

Last but certainly not least is polyfidelity, where you have a romantic and sexual relationship where all members are considered equal partners and agree to limit sexual and romantic activities to only those in the group. People will also simply call this a “closed triad” or “closed quad” depending how many people are in the polyfidelitous relationship.

“People often think if you’re in a triad, you must be open to [dating and sleeping with] everyone, and this simply isn’t the case. It may be in some triads, but certainly not all,” explains Engle.

So, which type of ethically non-monogamous relationship is right for you?

Each ethical non-monogamous relationship style has its strengths and weakness, which is why it’s necessary to discuss with your partner what it is specifically you’re looking to get out of a being romantically and or/sexually involved with others. If you’re looking to spice up your sex life but you feel fulfilled romantically—perhaps swinging or a monogamish relationship would suits you best. If you have so much love to give and want to bring in another person to love and support, perhaps a polyfidelity or another form of polyamory is right for you and your partner(s).

“Since poly relationships are so outside of the ‘normal’ relationship styles we accept as a society, a lot of couples, triads, and individuals are in a position to create their own terms and agreements,” says Engle. “It isn’t like sexual monogamy, wherein two people are expected to default to total emotional and sexual monogamy. There are layers and grey areas in polyamory that are being negotiated between all parties involved.”

With ethical non-monogamy, things can also change over time. What starts as an open relationship can evolve into a polyamorous one. Or, after years of being polyamorous, you and your partner can decide you’d like to go back to being monogamous, or something else entirely. The key is being open about what it is you want and embracing all the beautiful changes that may influence your relationship as both you and your partner(s) grow together over time.

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This is what it’s *really* like to date someone in an open relationship

From drawing boundaries to catching feelings, here’s your guide to navigating non-monogamous situationships with someone who already has a partner

By Saskia Calliste

Thanks to celebrities like the Smith family, Bella Thorne and Shailene Woodley, more people know about polyamory, throuples, open relationships and ethical non-monogamy than ever before. A once-closeted expression of love is now out in the open – and once taboo relationship structures have opened up to people who disagree with traditional attitudes towards monogamy.

However, the growing conversation around open relationships, especially in high profile pairings like Will and Jada, tends to focus more on the couples themselves – but what about the people they are dating and forming relationships with outside of their socially recognised and validated partnerships?

Who are the unicorns? Who are the thirds? How do we navigate these new dating realities when we develop feelings for individuals who already have a partner (or two)? For many people, this line of thought brings up question after question but, after a recent experience of my own, I’m set on finding answers.

“Who are the unicorns? Who are the thirds?”

Last year, I was involved in a situationship with a man, let’s call him Jason*, in an open relationship. The title of “third” or “unicorn” was not something I had a right to – and that’s because I walked into the fringes of someone else’s open relationship, not having the first clue what I was getting myself involved in.

The rules with Jason were simple: “low-aggro and don’t catch feelings because my partner will always come first.” I thought that was fair, and I wasn’t exactly looking to get into a relationship with someone already spoken for. In fact, at this stage, I was pretty much on the same page as Jason: looking for fun and an antidote to the mess and stress of conventional dating. Where is the harm in that? Well, playing out like any early 2000s rom-com, I can tell you that this arrangement worked for a while before the inevitable happened: I caught feelings. Surprise!

“The rules with Jason were simple: ‘low-aggro and don’t catch feelings.'”

During the whole experience, I tried to keep it business as usual, seeing other people to avoid the tragic fate of my life turning into an unrequited love story. But the truth was, unlike in other types of polyamorous dating, where honest communication is encouraged, dating this individual left me without any bargaining power and made me feel like I couldn’t speak up for myself for fear of being perceived as too immature to deal with what I signed up for.

It was particularly difficult because, at least in the eyes of the guy I was with, I had no rights to these feelings of sadness, anger or upset because I wasn’t supposed to have them in the first place. I was made to feel disposable, cut off and disregarded like my feelings were completely irrelevant. Regardless of whether I willingly entered this situationship or not, that is a difficult position to be in.

My situation with Jason made me wonder if I’d ever consider dating someone in an open relationship again. From the little I did know, truly open relationships, ethical non-monogamy and poly relationships are supposed to be based on trust, openness and most of all respect – and that extends to casual dating as well as committed relationships. I knew that the kind of situationship I was involved in wasn’t representative of the community as a whole.

In search of answers about the realities of responsible and ethical non-monogamous (ENM) dating, I reached out to Ana Kirova. The CEO of Feeld, a progressive dating app with over 20 sexuality and gender options, and an ethical non-monogamous person herself, she’s just the kind of expert needed to guide any newbies through the ins-and-outs of dating someone in an open relationship. Want to know more? Keep reading…

Expert advice on dating someone in an open relationship

Q. First thing’s first: how do I know that dating someone in an open relationship is right for me when I’ve only dated monogamous people before?

There’s no straightforward response to that question – but after some self-education and soul-searching the answer might be a lot more clear. “Researching and expanding your understanding of open relationships can be really helpful to start giving definitions to what you might be missing in your current relationship. Books, blogs and podcasts can empower you to understand ethical non-monogamy and help you make an informed decision before entering a new relationship structure,” Kirova explains.

Finding community through apps an also be a great learning tool, she says.“Connecting with a community is another great way to learn about ENM and to feel less isolated in your exploration. Many people join Feeld to meet others who have already explored different relationship structures.”

And as Kirova emphasises, sometimes the healthiest thing is to be honest with yourself about what you don’t want. “As with exploring any desire, it’s important to go at a pace you’re comfortable with and to be open and honest with yourself and your partner(s). Be open minded and reflect on how you’re feeling – finding out ENM isn’t for you is an equally valid and empowering choice. Exploring is a practice on its own, so be patient and open with yourself.”

Q. I took the plunge and started casually dating someone who’s currently in an open relationship. What should I do if I start developing feelings for them?

Okay, this can be a sticky one! But as Kirova recommends, honesty and direct communication are the way forward.

“Be honest with that person and share how you feel. If the person you are dating feels happy in an open relationship, reflect on your own feelings and desires and whether you are willing to accept them and their preferred relationship structure,” Kirova explains. “It’s a good idea to research ENM and the different types of open relationship structures. It helps give things a name which allows for more confidence and clarity when you’re reflecting on them.”

“It may be the case that both of you need different things from a relationship”

But you also need to be having these kinds of discussions with yourself. “Be very honest with yourself and your desires, reflect on what is your preferred relationship structure and how far you are happy to negotiate if you are willing to negotiate at all,” Kirova says. “Something I really want to emphasise is that it’s okay to not want an open relationship or another ENM arrangement, wanting commitment within a monogamous structure is a valid and authentic choice, as long as you are clear with yourself that this is what you want.”

And ultimately, if these preferences don’t align, it may be a case of understanding that it’s best to break things off. “While you are being true to yourself and honest with your partner, be prepared that it may be the case that both of you need different things from a relationship and will need to part ways. And that is okay too.”

Q. I’m new to all this and don’t know a lot about navigating the non-monogamous dating world. Are there any red flags I need to be aware of in potential partners?

To begin, it’s good to have in mind that there’s no one “right” way to do ethical non-monogamy. “There are numerous ways of practising ENM, which can include a don’t-ask-don’t-tell relationship. However, it is essential that everyone has consented to the structure and boundaries of the relationship,” Kirova explains. “Like with monogamous relationships, ENM people can be unfaithful if they break the agreed relationship structure and disrespect their partners.”

There’s also a lot of lessons from the wider dating world that can apply to polyamorous situations. “The red flags are likely to be similar to people in monogamous relationships,” Kirova says. “If your partner stops communicating with you in the way that you need and is putting their desires before your needs then it is important you consider whether you are still happy in that relationship.”

And as always, open dialogue and equality are paramount within non-monogamous relationships. “If you begin to feel that your partner is making decisions for you and not discussing these openly and honestly with you to gain your consent then this undermines trust which is essential for any relationship structure including ENM,” says Kirova.

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A Beginner’s Guide To Swinging

& How Couples Can Get Started

By Kesiena Boom, M.S.

Have you ever been curious about what swinging is and if it might be something that could work for you? Whether you’re interested in trying swinging for yourself or just want to understand more about this form of nonmonogamy, here’s everything you need to know.

What is swinging?

“Swinging is a social practice involving sexual contact between consenting adults, which can involve swapping sexual partners or engaging in group sexual activities—but often is done in the context of a coupled relationship,” explains Lori Lawrenz, PsyD, a clinical psychologist with the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health.

Swingers engage in sexual activities outside of their main relationship as a shared bonding experience with their partner. This means that most extra-relational sex that swingers engage in happens where their partner can see and/or join in with it.

Many swingers refer to themselves as being in “the lifestyle,” which essentially means that swinging (and often other behaviors such as kink and BDSM) are an integral part of their sexual identity and inform the way that they organize their lives.

Myths about swinging.

Importantly, swinging is not cheating or an affair, despite what people often might think. Swinging is based on a foundation of consensual nonmonogamy, which means that everyone involved has full knowledge of, and approves of, the sex that occurs outside of the main pair bond.

“Most swinging is not a sexual ‘free-for-all,'” Lawrenz says. “Rather it is an orchestrated manner of like-minded sexually curious individuals engaging in activities as a means of enhancing their relationship.”

There’s a misconception that swingers are people who “are unable to commit, do not know how to create boundaries, or are in troubled relationships,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Janet Brito, Ph.D., LCSW. Another misconception is that it can help save a dying relationship, adds sexologist Shamyra Howard, LCSW. The truth is, in fact, the opposite.

“Swinging is not prophylactic for troubled relationships. It won’t prevent cheating, and it won’t save a relationship. Swinging is only recommended for couples who feel secure in their relationships,” Howard says.

Swinging vs. open relationships.

Swinging is often confused with having an open relationship, but the two terms are not entirely synonymous.

While all swingers technically have an open relationship (i.e., the permission to have sex with people outside of the relationship), not all people in open relationships are swingers. People in non-swinging open relationships often engage in their extra-sexual relationships without their partner present and sometimes even have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding hookups. In swinging, couples do a lot more sharing of the sexual experiences and sharing stories with each other about any extra experiences, because this is erotic and exciting for people who like to swing. Some swinging couples also may only be “open” to outside sexual partners in specific situations, i.e., when the couple is jointly entering into a specific swinging experience together.

Swinging is also not the same as polyamory, as polyamory involves the creation and maintenance of romantic as well as sexual bonds with multiple people. “Unlike polyamorous individuals, swingers are not actively looking for other people to form romantic relationships with,” says sex therapist Aliyah Moore, Ph.D. “Typically, swingers are only looking to have sex with others with no or limited strings attached.”

Swinging is strictly sexual, and swingers often have minimal contact with and no romantic feelings for the people that they swing with.

What binds together all three concepts, however, is that they are all forms of consensual nonmonogamy and require a great amount of trust, communication, and honesty, says Brito.

Signs you might enjoy swinging:

  • You fantasize about engaging in sex outside of your partnership.
  • You get turned on by the idea of seeing your partner have sexual contact with other people.
  • You’re generally turned on by novelty and adventure.
  • You and your partner are good at communicating and know how to work through any issues that arise.
  • You are able to separate love and sex.
  • You like to watch porn featuring group sex, wife swapping, or voyeurism.
  • You and your partner trust each other completely.
  • You and your partner sometimes dirty talk about group sex or partner swapping.
  • You’ve had group sex in the past and thought it was hot.
  • You’re generally open-minded and sexually adventurous.

Important things to know before trying it:

1. Get to know the lingo.

Swinging comes with its own vocabulary. For example, one common form of swinging is for two couples to come together and “swap” partners for sex. You can engage in a “soft swap” or a “full swap” when you swing. A soft swap refers to engaging in anything up to oral sex with a person who isn’t your partner, and a full swap refers to intercourse.

It’s also worth knowing that a “unicorn” is a single woman who is open to sex with heterosexual couples (here’s our full guide to threesomes, btw), and that “closed door” refers to being OK with your partner having sex away from your line of sight.

2. Talk about expectations with your partner.

Make sure to have a detailed talk with your partner about what you will and won’t engage in when you swing together. Will you only engage in group sex together? Or will you swap partners with another couple? What are you looking to get out of swinging? Make sure that you both have the same goals and reasons for opening up.

It’s really important that you don’t coerce your partner into going along with what you want, Brito adds. Swinging will only be enjoyable if both parties are enthusiastic and informed.

3. Think about what safer sex precautions you’ll need to take.

It’s essential that you have a conversation beforehand about what forms of protection you’ll use and what level of risk you’re OK with. Using barrier protection methods such as condoms can lower your risk of STIs and pregnancies, but no protection is 100% secure. Therefore, you should discuss what you will do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy or a positive STI test.

4. Plan a check-in.

After your first time swinging, you’re going to have a lot of emotions! Hopefully they’ll all be positive, but it’s very likely that you might feel confused, guilty, or overwhelmed along with all the excitement.

A top tip is to put aside some time for you two as a couple to reconnect and check in with each other after the experience. You can discuss how the experience was for you, what went well, what was challenging, and anything you might like to alter if you try the experience again. Enlisting the help of a sex-positive therapist who specializes in consensual nonmonogamy can also work wonders in this situation.

5. Connect to a network.

Ready to dive in? “You can start off by attending a swinger’s club and watching before interacting,” suggests Howard. Check for local clubs in your area, and be sure to read the guidelines before showing up, she says. Make sure to practice good consent practices and be mindful of other people’s boundaries.

How to bring up the idea with your partner.

Telling your partner that you’re interested in swinging might feel like a little bit of a challenge. After all, the norm of monogamy is very strong, and even people who are turned on and excited by the idea of swinging might have some complicated feelings in the beginning.

To set the best base for a successful conversation, make sure to bring it up at a time when you know your partner will be in a relaxed mood with no pressing tasks to attend to.

“Gently bring up the topic by adopting an open and curious approach. Use ‘I’ statements to show ownership of your desires,” recommends Brito. “Ask questions to learn about your partner’s values, and practice nonjudgment if your partner is not on board. If this happens, agree to table the topic, and circle back at another time.”

In short, make the conversation a true conversation, and not just a statement of what you want. Really listening to what your partner says, and responding to it from a place of love rather than defensiveness, can take you a long way.

Once you have opened up the conversation, you can suggest that the two of you research swinging together. Framing it as a mutual exploration will make your partner feel more secure.

“If you’re the partner who initiates the conversation, make sure you get a clear ‘yes’ from your partner,” Moore adds. “Both partners in the relationship need to be at the same interest level when it comes to swinging before trying it.’

The bottom line.

Swinging, like all forms of consensual nonmonogamy, can bring a wide range of satisfying and exhilarating encounters that can deepen the bond between you and your partner. As long as you and your partner are both on board and in agreement about what swinging means for you, you can look forward to many happy, sweaty nights together!

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Study finds consensual nonmonogamy a ‘healthy’ option

by Jeffrey Renaud

Consensual nonmonogamy within a relationship showed only positive outcomes on life satisfaction and relationship quality for the primary partners in a romantically involved couple—leading researchers to believe it to be healthy, viable relationship option.

“Consensual nonmonogamy relationships and those who practice them are often stigmatized,” Psychology professor Samantha Joel said. “Monogamous relationships are generally assumed to be of higher quality than non-monogamous ones, even among consensually nonmonogamous individuals.”

Not so, according to Joel and her collaborators at York University and the University of Utah.

For the first-of-its-kind study, the team recruited people interested in consensual nonmonogamy but had not yet engaged in it and observed them over a two-month period as they ‘opened up’ their relationships.

“We found no differences in or well-being before versus after people opened up,” said Joel, who serves as director of Western’s Relationships Decisions Lab. “There were also no differences found when we compared people who did versus those who did not open up their over the course of the study.”

According to the study, those who engaged in consensual nonmonogamy experienced significant increases in sexual satisfaction, particularly if they did so with the explicit goal of addressing sexual incompatibilities within their relationships.

The study, “A Prospective Investigation of the Decision to Open Up a Romantic Relationship,” was recently published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science.

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Is The ‘Seven-Year Itch’ Actually A Real Thing?

It’s probs more common than you think.

By Madeline Howard

Look, it’s totally normal to feel a sense of stagnation—a seven-year itch, if you will—if you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage. Being with another person for an entire lifetime is no joke, people.

But what is the seven-year itch, exactly? In short, it’s the notion that after seven years of marriage (or a long AF relationship), you start to get unhappy with your partner, says Gigi Engle, resident Womanizer sexologist and author of All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life.

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While it’s normal to feel a little…itchy…after a while, there’s no alarm that goes after seven years on the dot. “The idea that you’d feel this way at some innocuous point in time is complete BS,” says Engle. “You’re not going to get bored in your marriage or your sex life if you commit to keeping it fresh and interesting.” Problem is, it’s all too easy for your relationship to fall to the bottom of your priority list as you juggle work, kids, and other, more pressing, responsibilities. It happens, but it doesn’t need to.

So how can you prevent or resolve this kind of relationship slump? Read on for expert-approved tips that will keep your itch from developing into a full-on rash.

1. Get a second opinion

Before you jump to any conclusions about whether or not you’re fed up with your current long-term relationship, Brito suggests consulting a therapist or close friend about your situation. Sometimes it’s hard to see the *real* problem from the inside, and talking it out with a third-party allows you to sort through any messy feelings before you articulate them to your partner.

2. Write it out

It’s also helpful to journal your feelings, says Brito. Writing your thoughts down offers clarity without having to dish them out loud or drop major $$ on therapy. What do you love about your partner? What went wrong? Be honest about the positives and negatives here. Your journal doesn’t judge.

3. Don’t be shy

Communicating your needs is a crucial part of maintaining a healthy long-term relationship, says Brito. If you want to bring up feelings of stagnation to your S.O., she suggests going about it verrry carefully. Use ‘I statements’ that make you accountable for the feelings you’re having and avoid placing blame on your partner. Focus on listening to your partner’s unmet emotional needs when it’s their turn to talk without becoming defensive. This goes both ways, K?

4. Consider couples counseling

If you decide that the relationship is worth fighting for, Brito suggests booking recurring couples therapy sessions. Doing so will help the two of you create a plan for moving forward with the help of an expert. You’ll also have a calm, unbiased moderator for when uncomfortable or heated discussions inevitably arise.

5. Or sex therapy

If your issues are mostly bedroom-based, look into a therapist who specializes in sex. Yes, they exist! If you’ve tried exploring physical intimacy on your own, and it hasn’t panned out, there’s no shame in getting a little bit of outside help. “As a team, you can find solutions that don’t result in an affair or a breakup,” says Engle.

6. Try an open relationship

This one def isn’t for every couple, but some feel that they need to go outside of the relationship in order to add spice to their sex lives, and you’re better off doing so together if that’s the case.

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Exploring the boundaries of an open relationship, polyamory, or threesomes are a viable solution to feelings of sexual boredom, if agreed upon by both parties. “This newfound aspect of your relationship can look like anything you want,” Engle explains. “What’s important is that you discuss your desires and fantasies with your partner.” From there, make sure you establish some ground rules. Threesomes only? No friends? No kissing? That’s the difference between honest openness and an affair that ruins everything.

7. Explore with toys or kink

Shop for vibrators, handcuffs, and lingerie with your S.O. online or in-store. Surprises have their place, but shopping together will build up excitement. Talk to your partner about what you’ve been wanting to add to your routine—a productive and sexy convo.

8. Try role-playing

If you read #6 and thought, never in a million years, there are other ways to introduce an element of excitement into your ‘ship. Role-playing is a classic, and you can scale up or scale down depending on your comfort level. Example: Start with some dirty talk before splurging on costumes, or pretend to be your younger self if you’re improv skills feel a little rusty. Where did you meet seven years ago?

9. Schedule sex

No one likes to hear this, but scheduling sex can be a great solution to a dry spell—and even hot! Think about it: You have all day to get in the mood and you’re less likely to be stressed and distracted because, well, you planned for this.

Other experts agree that the seven-year itch isn’t really a set point in time when your relationship is doomed to collapse, but instead an idea that represents how you and your long-term bae aren’t on the same wavelength. “Some couples get stuck in dysfunctional patterns that make them feel disconnected and listless,” says Janet Brito, PhD, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in Honolulu, Hawaii. “Some may desire to end their relationship while others will remain together, work through it, and grow stronger as a result.”

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Real Couples Discuss The Key To Making An Open Relationship Work

By Morgan Mandriota

Monogamy is our society’s default relationship model. Once you find the one, you get engaged. Then you get married. And voilà! You’re with one person for the rest of your life. This might be a comforting happily ever after for some. For others, it can sound and feel like a trap. Good news: There are alternative options for those who feel limited by monogamy, one of which includes open relationships.

As it happens, more than 20% of people in the United States who participated in a 2016 study reported engaging in some form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). “Open relationships can fall within a broad spectrum that depends on a couple’s needs and their comfort level,” explains dating coach and founder of The Broom List Tennesha Wood. “The term open generally refers to the practice of ethical non-monogamy [ENM] in which couples open their relationship to the possibility of including other people in some way; emotionally, romantically, and/or sexually.”

While open relationships are certainly becoming less taboo and more widely understood in the present day, there are still tons of misconceptions surrounding them. Wood says the most common include:

  • They’re all about sex.
  • People in open relationships are unable to commit.
  • People in open relationships are confused and don’t know what they want.
  • These types of arrangements mean one or both parties no longer want to be with the other.

None of the above are accurate. Open relationships don’t have to be purely physical. Commitment issues aren’t always the case, either. There doesn’t have to be confusion to have a more free-wheeling arrangement. And you can want to be with your partner while wanting others, too. So why would a couple choose non-monogamy? And why is it worth it for them to make their open relationship work despite the challenges that can arise?

TZR tapped Wood for her tips on how to navigate open relationships and interviewed individuals on why they choose to be in one and what they do to make it work.

Set Clear Boundaries

“Open relationships should not be entered into casually or without clear boundaries,” Wood says. “Each person should have a clear vision of what they want outside of their primary relationship. From there, they can decide which form of [ENM] best fits their needs.”

Wood lists four popular types of open relationships to choose from:

  • Monogamish: having occasional strictly sexual encounters with other people
  • Swinging: having sex with another couple or swapping partners
  • Polyamory: having multiple sexual and romantic relationships simultaneously
  • Relationship anarchy: having multiple relationships without a hierarchy; no relationship is “primary” and everyone is considered equal in terms of priority

She recommends couples discuss individual and shared boundaries by asking each other the questions like: How much do you want to know about who your partner is involved with sexually or romantically? Do you want to be there or participate in your partner’s sexual activities? Are there sexual acts that are off-limits?

“No matter where on the spectrum couples decide to land, open relationships will involve trial, error, and flexibility,” she says. “Open relationships can change and evolve and it’s important that couples openly communicate at every stage of the process and allow room for change.”

Prioritize Open Communication

Before opening up your relationship, Wood suggests ensuring your reasons and goals align. “For couples who have a healthy partnership, allowing others in can foster exploration, honesty, and communication,” she says. “Opening a relationship that has existing trust or communication issues will not solve those issues. In fact, it makes them worse.”

“I’m in an open relationship because, in my current partnership, this translates to radical honesty with ourselves and each other,” says Dez*, 26. “The sexy and difficult conversations strengthen my relationship and bond with my partner in a really intense way that wouldn’t manifest otherwise, and that’s why I prefer the ‘open’ paradigm we’ve created.”

For Gina*, 29, sharing feelings and needs is key within her open partnership (where she’s the only one who actively engages in non-monogamy). “Since I grew up religious, I always told my husband I wanted to know how it felt to be with someone else. I’d [spend] late nights talking about it and he wasn’t bothered or scared,” she recalls. He eventually told her he’d give her a hall pass, especially because having another partner could help to relieve her anxiety while he’s out of state for work for days. “He’d see that when he was gone days at a time, I’d have another partner and that’d help me a lot to be calm [before] he’d come back home.” She’s been with other people ever since.

While Gina’s husband is not choosing to engage in other relationships for himself, the two have figured out how to make the open dynamic benefit them both. “[Opening our marriage] strengthens us because we have no secrets and there’s no fear of cheating. I’ve always had a bad temper and when he allowed me to continue outside marriage relationship(s), it has made me be more patient. I’d get angry for very small things and now I think, ‘If he can allow me to have another partner and be so mature about it, why do I get upset about little things?’”

Remember That Jealousy Can Be A Factor

Don’t be fooled: Jealousy still exists in open relationships. And it takes a ton of self-awareness and openness to process it in a healthy way together in order to keep things from going awry.

“I’m lucky to have an extremely patient partner who’s willing to be really gentle and caring with me when jealousy and insecurity arise in me,” adds Dez, who feels prone to jealousy due to tumultuous past relationships. “He’s more able to hold jealousy as an emotion equal to any other emotion, and alchemize the feeling into something more sensual, rather than an ugly thing to be feared. This is something I admire in him and that I strive toward, because being controlled by an emotion, for me, feels like being in prison, and the door’s wide open,” she explains. “I want to be free! And I can, just by choosing not to cling to jealousy.”

Set Rules That Honor Your Needs

Some partners want to know every detail about every date. Others have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

Aaliyah*, 24, has a sugar arrangement and additional casual partners outside of it. “[My sugar daddy and I] originally had an open [relationship] where we talked about our other partners, and this made him too jealous, so he didn’t want to talk [about them] anymore,” she says, noting that she personally loves hearing about his experiences.

As for Gina, what she “can and can’t” do changes with each partner outside of her marriage, but it’s always discussed and agreed upon with her husband. Some of the rules within her partnership over the last few years include:

  • Share your body but not your love.
  • Call when you arrive at a date.
  • Her husband has to be on board with each relationship.
  • Each new partner has to know and accept the fact that she has a husband and he is aware of the arrangement.
  • Make sure you feel safe, and call ASAP if not.

Breaking Free From Societal Norms

“What I like most about being in an open relationship is saying ‘f*ck you’ to the deeply entrenched religious institutions and misogynistic ideals I was born into,” says Nikki*, 28. “These institutions say that I’m fulfilled as a woman only when I enter marriage, that I must remain subservient and docile, that I must feel ashamed of any sexual encounter that lies outside of reproduction. These institutions (heteronormatively) tell me to hate other women who threaten my bond with my partner.”

For her, non-monogamy destroys those rules and offers space to get curious and explore ideas that make the most sense to her and her partner. “Being in an open relationship, for me, is about exploration, playfulness, and the diminishing of fear of the dark, messy feelings,” she says. “I’m aware of the journey ahead — to unravel many years of programming/conditioning that I didn’t have a say in and I’m ready for this hard work, for this opportunity to set fire to the shame that was never mine to carry.”

Embrace A World Of Endless Opportunity

Aaliyah personally enjoys having the freedom to explore her feelings to the fullest: “I don’t have to worry about if it’s OK or not. It should be OK!”

“If somebody gets jealous, we’ll generally talk about the value of the relationship,” she says. “If they’re OK with just not talking about it and keeping it under the table, that usually works. If not, it’s just not compatible.” It’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide which dynamics and rules work best for you. Openly communicating about your wants and needs will help you get there.

She also loves being able to experience other people’s worlds and lives. “I believe relationships are something to be explored and enjoyed, and they’re one of the most exciting parts of life,” she says. “I don’t believe in only one person forever. Yes to a life partner, but no to a one and only. It allows me to experience things outside of my normal realms of possibilities.”

Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner to decide which rules work best for your relationship. Each partnership is different. But if these stories teach anything, it’s that open relationships are worth the effort if maximum freedom, pleasure, joy, and opportunities are your priorities.

*Last names have been omitted for privacy.

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Could Opening Up Your Relationship Fix It?

By Quinn Rhodes

What does an open relationship have in common with getting married, having a baby and moving in with your partner? That’s right: none of them is a way to fix problems in a relationship. With an increased awareness of non-monogamous relationship structures, the myth that polyamory is a ‘fix’ for a broken relationship is also gaining momentum.

However, the reality is that non-monogamy isn’t ever easy – and it definitely won’t fix a relationship that’s not working.

Non-monogamous, polyamorous, open, monogamish – these are all words to describe relationships that fall under the umbrella of non-monogamy, where people date, have sex and have romantic relationships with more than one person. The language people use to describe their relationships, as well as the intricacies of how they work, is different for each person and each relationship. But one thing is generally true across the board: opening up your relationship is unlikely to be the solution to the issues you’re experiencing within it.

That’s not to say that people don’t try. Dr Liz Powell, a licensed psychologist specialising in non-monogamous relationships, explains that they see this a lot. They describe it as the phenomenon of “relationship broken? Add more people!” In Dr Powell’s view, too often people try to apply polyamory like a plaster when they’re struggling with differences in sexual desires or how they want to split their time and priorities.

An open relationship could, theoretically, help with those issues. In reality, problems often begin when someone is feeling hurt, unheard or unseen by their partner. Without resolving that conflict in the first instance, and instead just opening up the relationship, you allow that pain to fester and resentment to build on top of the struggles you’re already experiencing and, crucially, communication that perhaps isn’t working.

Dr Powell says: “If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems – aside from the fact that it’s likely to end your relationship.”

If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems.

If you’re already struggling to talk about what you want and need, if you’re already struggling to advocate for your needs or have those needs met, non-monogamy is unlikely to fix those problems.
Dr Liz Powell

For Sam, who is 30 years old and non-binary, opening up their relationship did bring it to a very necessary end. After half a decade without sex, and a partner who wouldn’t discuss it, they had given their then-partner an ultimatum: they could open up the relationship so Sam could get their sexual needs met or they could break up. Opening up their relationship “revealed all the weaknesses, all the communication flaws and the fact it was abusive”. So they broke up.

Sam realised that while they had initially approached polyamory for the “wrong” reasons, they still wanted it. Their monogamous relationship hadn’t been working and opening it up didn’t fix that – but it did help them understand what they actually want from a relationship.

Twenty-nine-year-old Ellen and her now-fiancé had discussed ethical non-monogamy for a while before they opened up their relationship, after she confessed that she had a crush on someone in her running group. Her fiancé told her it was totally fine and that he also had crushes on people sometimes. When they initially opened their relationship, they tried to enforce strict boundaries, like ‘no one we know’ or ‘no sleepovers’. “I found myself going back and asking if we could actually modify those rules,” says Ellen.

While these rules may seem to make sense, they run up against the fact that people are, well, people. Human hearts are hard to predict and even harder to control. Lots of couples approach non-monogamy like this, thinking that if they create the right rules then they won’t fall in love. The reality is far messier.

Dr Powell explains that strict rules about how people should and shouldn’t feel usually end up creating more conflict. “All it does is create new ways to have fights about people having feelings that are totally reasonable and normal feelings to have when you’re interacting with other people.”

Non-monogamy is not a wand you can wave and magically fix your relationship. It might just put it under a microscope and expose all the cracks in it.

In looking for a quick fix, people can seriously underestimate just how much work goes into opening up a relationship. Despite the tropes we see whenever polyamory gets any visibility, most non-monogamous people are not constantly attending sex parties full of super attractive people. It’s less throuples and threesomes, and much more coordinating calendars and having hard conversations about everyone’s emotions.

Both Ellen and Sam put in a huge amount of practical work to maintain their relationships. Ellen also has a secondary partner (a secondary relationship is one where, either by intent or by circumstance, the partners have less involvement than their primary relationship) and her open relationship with her fiancé really forces them to communicate. “We check in with each other constantly and plan our own date nights – particularly if we’ve been busy. And while that could mean with other people, more often it means with work or life stuff that bogs us down.”

Dr Powell says that monogamy and non-monogamy take the same skills and require the same things in order to function well – it’s just that in non-monogamy you can’t assume that the normal ‘scripts’ of a relationship apply. You spend more time communicating out of necessity, because you can’t fall back on society’s defaults about what your relationship ‘should’ look like.

Kelvin, who is 23 years old and a trans guy, has had to do a lot of personal growth to make his current non-monogamous relationship work. “I had to learn that it’s okay to be insecure and while nobody else owes you comfort about it, you should feel able to communicate and talk about it in your relationships.”

For Ellen, opening up her relationship gave her a lens to explore her own vulnerabilities and look at what’s important to her in a relationship. She’s learned how to handle rejection – something you don’t expect to feel the sting of when you’re in a long-term partnership – and the difference between privacy and secrecy.

While she likes to share her experiences as a way of feeling close to her fiancé, he prefers not to talk about the other people he’s seeing. She knows that this doesn’t mean he’s hiding anything from her: he’s allowed to process his feelings internally and he has different ways of building intimacy with her. “I’m learning to accept that I can’t be everything for my partner, just like he’s not everything for me. And that’s okay! He’s still my favourite person, and I’m thrilled to be building a life together with him.”

When non-monogamy works for people, all of this work is worth it, but in the process of normalising non-monogamous relationships, portrayals of polyamory often gloss over all of this work. And as Sam, who currently has two nesting partners and a girlfriend, points out – they miss out the laundry.

Even if you’re prepared to do the work (and the laundry), non-monogamy might not be for you. In certain non-monogamous circles, you find the idea that polyamory is somehow a ‘morally superior’ relationship structure. It’s not; it’s just a different relationship structure, one that may or may not work for you. However, there can be a sense – especially in queer spaces – that polyamory is the ‘right’ thing to do.

This is what Kelvin felt when he and his partner opened up the first relationship he was in. He says that they dove into it without understanding the difficulties that come with navigating non-monogamy. Having been socialised in online queer spaces, polyamory was considered a completely legitimate choice (which is excellent), but as a trans person who wanted to date other trans people, it also felt like the only choice Kelvin was given (which is not).

Associating non-monogamous relationships with always being the secondary partner and being held at an emotional distance, Kelvin wasn’t sure polyamory was for him. In his current relationship, however, his nesting partner really puts in the work to ensure he doesn’t feel replaceable or disposable. This time around, pursuing non-monogamy feels a lot more deliberate for Kelvin. “I’m doing it because I want to date and see all the people I’m dating and seeing, not because it feels like I have to choose between letting my partner date other people and not having a partner.”

It’s easy to hope that opening up a relationship will fix your problems. It’s much harder to look at what might be causing those problems and unpacking the assumptions you hold about relationships and how they’re not serving you. Dr Powell suggests that it’s unhelpful to think of opening up your relationship as adding more people to it. Instead, you should think about it as breaking down everything you know about your relationship and building it up from scratch.

In fact, whether or not you want a non-monogamous relationship, negotiating exactly what your relationship is going to look like – rather than relying on the scripts we’re sold as to how relationships ‘should’ look – will probably help you.

Non-monogamy is not a wand you can wave and magically fix your relationship. It might just put it under a microscope and expose all the cracks in it. Polyamory is incredible, sure, but it’s incredible because of the vulnerable and intimate ways we connect to other people. And because we’re human, with hearts that rarely behave exactly as we’d like them to and feelings that won’t always do what they’re told, those connections require as much work and investment as monogamous ones

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How I Negotiated Non-Monogamy In My Monogamous Relationship

By Zoe Ligon

After getting back from a trip, a friend of mine learned that her boyfriend had gone to a strip club and gotten a lap dance, which felt like a clear crossing of her boundaries within the relationship. The problem was that her boyfriend didn’t seem to think the strip club constituted a violation, wasn’t keeping it a secret, and was surprised by her reaction. After asking her about her relationship rules in their monogamous partnership, I realised that while this was a dilemma needing work, the real issue was that they had never had a conversation about what their boundaries even were.

I’ve been there before, too. As someone who has been in both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships, I know that those of us who default to monogamous partnerships are not equipped to set our own relationship boundaries. Perhaps it’s because “exclusive” monogamous relationships are a cultural norm, but we far too often rely on what we think relationships are supposed to look like, instead of what would work for us personally. I blame Hollywood romantic comedies in part, but no one really ever teaches us how to negotiate boundaries and advocate for our needs.

I am a person who has always felt somewhere between monogamous and non-monogamous, but my boyfriend leans closer to the monogamous side of the spectrum.

While all relationships encounter difficulties and struggles, it’s so very important for you to consciously choose your own boundaries instead of simply following social scripts. In order to do this, you must first focus on identifying, communicating, and negotiating your desires, both with yourself and your partner.

Monogamy and non-monogamy aren’t binary — we all fall somewhere along a spectrum. Perhaps your needs while together in the same city or state may differ greatly when one of you is travelling, or maybe your needs for romantic intimacy with others are different from your needs for sexual intimacy. Think of all your desires as they fit into different scenarios, and don’t limit yourself to just thinking about penetrative sex.

My boyfriend and I live together, but I travel much more than he does. I am a person who has always felt somewhere between monogamous and non-monogamous, but my boyfriend leans closer to the monogamous side of the spectrum. And even with my knowledge as a sex educator, I have still felt anxiety around negotiating my needs. I fear suppressing my own non-monogamous needs in order to not cause “drama,” but I know I won’t be as good of a partner to him if I’m unable to explore these feelings to a certain degree, and he is understanding of that.

I have lost count of how many conversations I’ve had with my current boyfriend, but I do remember some breakthrough moments. I’ll never forget how nervous I felt before I went on a long trip away from home for the first time after we began dating. I realized that what I really wanted was smooches, and other forms of physical intimacy that didn’t involve genital stimulation — like dancing!

I presented him my needs, and we worked out what parameters made us both feel comfortable. We felt the same about many things: no intimacy with people in-state, BDSM stuff (without fluid exchange) is permitted and does not need a check-in, and playing with women and non-binary folks is cool. And when it came to sex with cis men, it wasn’t off the table, it would just require a conversation. While different rules for playing with different genders is often an unfair double standard, it was just what felt right for both of us.

After establishing the things that were “yeses” and “nos,” I had even more questions! Did he want me to share with him about it? Was this a thing that was okay any time, or just when I was travelling? What if an out of state person came to our state? Did it matter if this person was a previous sweetie of mine? After running through all the details and hearing each other out, I felt a little funky due to the sheer candidness of the conversation, but also incredibly connected to and thoroughly prepared. And of course, we talked about his needs as well.

At first, it’s going to be awkward. Talking through all your needs and asking questions about your partner’s needs may not feel comfy and cosy, but it’ll help you be on the same page. It may help to explore hypothetical scenarios, but don’t spend too much time ruminating on things that haven’t happened yet. Focus more on what your desires and boundaries are, and what your feelings are as you share with each other. This isn’t a conversation that is a one and done type of thing, either. It’ll probably be ongoing throughout your partnership with that person.

After having negotiated relationship boundaries with my current boyfriend, I felt confident in knowing ways that I could explore my needs without fear of deceit. That didn’t mean feelings weren’t on the line — feelings can always happen — but at least I had a game plan.

Non-monogamy isn’t better or more “evolved” than monogamy, and it certainly isn’t easier.

Part of how I’ve learned to stand up for what I want and take inventory of my boyfriend’s feelings is by learning from my failures. In previous relationships, I felt guilty and suppressed my desires. I agreed to monogamous relationships for the sheer sake of not hurting my partner. In those relationships, I felt incredibly disconnected. No amount of love and attraction can erase the need for communication and negotiation.

Non-monogamy isn’t better or more “evolved” than monogamy, and it certainly isn’t easier. All kinds of relationships experience issues. But for those of us who feel it aligns with our identity, it’s worth the struggles, awkward moments, and even the jealous ones. If we communicate and prepare ourselves for the bumps, instead of pretending they’ll never happen, we’ll be far more equipped to work our way through them.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!