Tag: Relationship Advice

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Some penis microbes may increase the risk of vaginal infections after penetrative sex

By Julia Naftulin

  • A new study found that 10 types of bacteria found on men’s penises were predictors in whether their female partners developed bacterial vaginosis.
  • Bacterial vaginosis is a vaginal infection that affects 1 in 3 women. Experts are unsure what exactly causes bacterial vaginosis.
  • The researchers said that their study suggests men’s sexual health and women’s are inextricably linked, and that heterosexual couples should work together to promote each other’s sexual wellbeing.

Women may have a higher risk of vaginal bacterial infection after penetrative sex with men, depending on the type of microbiota on their partner’s penis, a study has found.

Bacterial vaginosis is a type of vaginal bacterial infection that affects 1 in 3 women, but, according to the CDC, health experts are still unsure what causes it.

For the study, University of Illinois at Chicago researchers looked at 168 heterosexual couples in Kenya over a year. Just over half (56%) of the men they studied had circumcised penises, and circumcision status can affect the amount and types of bacteria on a penis.

None of the women had bacterial vaginosis at the start of the study. The researchers found that 31% of the women in the study developed bacterial vaginosis during the year-long trial.

In addition to testing the bacteria in the women’s vaginas, they also examined each man’s penile microbiota during the initial screening and three follow-up appointments.

The researchers concluded that the men were a defining factor in the women’s risk of infection. They identified 10 species of penile bacteria that appeared to increase a woman’s risk of BV. The men who carried on their penis one or more of the 10 species, his female partner was more likely to develop bacterial vaginosis.

Men should be involved in women’s reproductive health

The study’s findings don’t mean a man’s penis causes bacterial vaginosis in women, according to Dr. Supriya Mehta, lead study author and an epidemiologist at University of Illinois at Chicago.

But his team’s findings suggest male and female sexual health are inextricably linked, especially for heterosexual couples.

“I would like for clinicians, researchers, and the public to be inclusive of male sex partners in their efforts to improve women’s reproductive health,” Mehta said in a statement. “Not to place directionality or blame on one partner or another, but to increase the options and opportunity for improved reproductive health, and hopefully reduce stigma from BV.”

There were caveats to this study. Only 46% of the 168 couples attended all four doctor’s office visits during the year-long trial, so the researchers have incomplete data for some couples, which could cause skewed results. Additionally, the researchers looked at a small sample of only Kenyan couples who were heterosexual, so the results may not be applicable on a universal scale, across countries, cultures, and sexualities.

Mehta said more research should be done to determine how men can look after their own genital health to protect the genital health of women with whom they’re sexually active.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How BDSM Can Help With Pandemic Fatigue

By Gigi Engle

We are all experiencing pandemic fatigue. Whether you’re coping well or poorly, you’re still coping. And because the world is drenched in stress, developing effective coping mechanisms has never been more important.

Enter BDSM.

While I hate to bring up the most obvious examples, Fifty Shades of Grey and Netflix’s 365 Days and Bonding have successfully catapulted BDSM into the mainstream and, while seriously problematic in their own ways, these popular Hollywood-style depictions of kink have allowed what was once a seemingly fringe sexual practice to bloom in the open. People are really feeling kink right now. New research conducted by psychologist Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., suggests that nearly half of Americans have tried some sort of bondage or power play in bed.

Considering the psychological dynamics involved in BDSM play, it isn’t a far reach to see how BDSM could help people cope with pandemic stress. Pandemic fatigue is enough to test even the strongest of relationships. Anything (within reason) that can help us cope with stress can and should be utilized right now. Practitioners of kink will be the first to tell you that BDSM reduces stress and anxiety and improves communication—all of which is crucial to maintaining relationships during difficult times. “BDSM play, during this pandemic, would be a great way to achieve decreased stress while creating a delicious distraction to outside-world concerns and an opportunity to work on your relational connection,” Kristine D’Angelo, a certified sexologist, tells TheBody.

Everywhere you look, sex experts are suggesting people try new sex stuff as a way to gain closeness with a partner. Working on increased connection and intimacy is certainly more appealing than relationship estrangement.

Long story short, now is an optimal time to get kinky. It can really change your sex life and open up new relationship dynamics for lots of people. Open your mind, guys. You don’t need to go buy a bespoke corset or a full set of restraints. You can easily tie someone up using a loose T-shirt or spank them with a wooden kitchen spoon. Kink is for everyone and anyone who wants to try it.

What BDSM Is (and What It Isn’t)

BDSM stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism. You may be picturing whips, chains, and ball gags right now. While these tools can be used in this kind of play, they aren’t required. What BDSM really comes down to is control. It’s a desire to give up or receive control over someone. There is something deeply sensual about this giving and receiving—this complete power exchange.

What BDSM is: a safe and consensual sexual practice. What it is not: dangerous and for people who want to cause harm to others.

Let’s get one thing very clear: There is nothing wrong with you if you want to try BDSM. You’re probably just a person with a rich fantasy life—and we should celebrate that. According to a 2008 study, those who engage in BDSM are no more depraved or psychologically “damaged” than anyone else.

BDSM is a really fun way to try out different roles, whether dominant, submissive, or both. It can involve pain or it can not. It’s a totally customizable experience that you get to create with your partner. There is no wrong way to play—as long as everything is negotiated and safe, both physically and emotionally. Communication is a cornerstone of this practice.

Kink and Stress Release

One of the biggest reasons kinky folks love BDSM play is because of its tension-relieving effects. For instance, when you spend all day bossing people around at your day job, it can be very liberating to have a lover tell you what to do or give you a spanking. “Many people enjoy the BDSM lifestyle because it provides them with a way to escape into their ‘happy place.’ It’s been scientifically proven that the endorphins and other neurochemicals released while participating in BDSM are mood enhancers,” Angel Rios, a sexpert at AdultFriendFinder, the world’s largest sex and swinger community, tells TheBody.

We’re in the midst of a pandemic. If a new, fun way of exploring sexuality with your partner can offer up a bit of mental decompression, that sounds like a real win. “BDSM play provides a little escape from reality. A session can take you out of a state of mind which may be focused on survival in troubling times,” Daniel Saynt, founder and chief conspirator of the New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a members-only club focused on kink, tells TheBody. “You can focus on yourselves and the pleasures you can derive even in the most hopeless situations.”

Before You Get Started, There Are Some Things You Should Know

Before you go tying your partner up and having a free-for-all, you need to get really clear on the basics of consent and negotiation and commit yourself to doing proper research in advance of trying anything too intense. You don’t want to go spanking someone with the fury of a thousand suns if you don’t know how to properly spank someone in a way that won’t cause damage. Likewise, you don’t want to tie someone to the bed only to realize you’re cutting off circulation to your partner’s hands. These practices are very fun and very safe if done correctly. But, that takes sharpening your skills.

Luckily, the internet can provide plenty of articles, online workshops, and videos to help you on your kinky journey.

Saynt suggests checking out videos and workshops from Jet Setting Jasmine and King Noire, two staples of the kinky community, who have taken their rigorous BDSM skills to the online space. You can also check out Sunny Megatron’s four-part video series on YouTube called BDSM 101. For some reading, check out The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play, and the Erotic Edge by Tristan Taormino.

Even the act of learning about BDSM can be a form of foreplay and stress release—and it’ll give you something to do on those particularly dull and frustrating pandemic nights. We’re all a bit on edge right now. Make the most of it, and turn up the heat.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex-Positivity Means Unlearning Shame

Love & Lust 2021: Developing a Sense of Self

By Jamila Reddy

When I was five years old, my parents gave my sister and me a book called “Where Did I Come From?”

Published in 1973, the book featured illustrations and explanations of how babies are made. On the front and back covers were a sea of cartoon sperm swimming across the page with smiles on their faces. The book featured a friendly-looking (straight white) couple in various forms of undress; kissing, holding hands and “making love.”

My next lessons on sex came in the fourth grade, in North Carolina public school health classes. On a special day that required advance parental consent in order for students to participate, “boys and girls” were separated and sent to two different rooms to view scientific diagrams of our reproductive systems.

I remember feeling awkward in a room full of pre-pubescent youth, all of us squirming nervously through informational videos on puberty — groaning and giggling through re-enactments of first periods and wet dreams.

Before I started having sex, however, most of what I learned about it came from mainstream media: TV, music, and movies.

I remember being shocked and delighted to see portrayals of sex as a young person — the iconic sweaty backseat-window-of-the-car moment from Titanic, music video countdowns featuring scantily clad women, suggestive choreography at my very first Spice Girls concert.

As a kid, my media consumption was regulated to the extent that it could be. My mother would likely be horrified to know that, in middle and high school, I spent many an unsupervised hour at sleepovers watching BET Uncut, a late-night program that streamed sexually explicit, raunchy music videos. Many of these videos were, essentially, DIY low-budget films bordering on actual porn, and the rest were more mainstream but deemed too “mature” to show during regular countdowns. Women were almost exclusively featured in these videos as sexual objects — sporting thongs and tight dresses, licking and poking out their glistening lips, winding and bouncing and bending.

Coming of Age: Sex and Sexist Messages

I grew up unknowingly queer in the Christian, conservative South, and heteronormativity (the assumption of heterosexuality and adherence to a gender binary) pervaded most, if not all, of the lessons I learned about sex. These lessons on what was “acceptable” or “standard” behavior when it came to sex distorted my understanding of what sex was and what it could be. I did not know I was queer until my twenties because, before my twenties, I did not even know what “queer” was. I did not know that sex could be something other than the penetrative sex between a cisgender, heterosexual woman and a cisgender, heterosexual man because I had never seen it.

Until adulthood, nobody in my life talked openly about sex outside of conversations about safety or abstinence.

I learned about sex as a practical endeavor (for the purpose of making babies) and as the standard rule of intimate engagement between cishet men and cishet women (for the purpose of male orgasm). I learned that sex was a thing to be done behind closed doors. I learned that sex was dangerous and risky. I learned that sex was complex and rife with double standards.

Much of my sex education came from social myths. It seemed widely understood that for people assigned male at birth (AMAB), pursuing sex was totally normal and natural, but for people assigned female at birth (AFAB), it was devious and shameful.

Teenage me looked on in horror as the girls who wore low-cut shirts or miniskirts were admonished for having no self-respect, and the ones who made out with boys in the back rows of movie theatres were villainized and shamed for being “sluts.”  I learned, through years of observing the social stigma attached to sexual girls, that sex was something to do quietly and privately — that if I was going to do it, no one should know.

For years, I believed that something was wrong with me for being curious about sex for pleasure. I felt wrong for fantasizing about being sexually intimate with someone. I saw sex as something strange and dangerous, not just for the physical risks it posed to the body, but for how quickly it could lower one’s social worth. So, I suppressed my sexual desires. I learned to be ashamed of them.

Sexual Initiation and Sexual Passivity

The first time I had sex was on the top bunk of a dorm room bed at 19.

My boyfriend at the time, like most of my cishet male sexual partners, had had more experiences with sex than I — not only through having it but through watching porn. Since it was my first time, I deemed him the expert and deferred to him to facilitate our first sexual encounter.

It was uninspiring, to say the least.

I lay on my back in the dark, quiet as a mouse and stiff as a board, as he huffed and puffed on top of me. It was awkward and uncomfortable, and after all was said and done, I turned over and wept into his pillow. Gut-wrenching, loud, ugly sobs. I left feeling dirty. Ruined. I felt like I had “lost” something — like my value as a person worthy of respect had just dropped tenfold.

Despite spending three (monogamous) years in a relationship together, this boyfriend and I never actually had a conversation about what positive, consensual sex looked like. Our sex was boring and routine, and almost always ended with his orgasm, not mine. After we broke up, my sexual experiences varied slightly but pretty much had the same script, different cast. Even when my sexual partners were not cishet men, I followed their lead. I was agreeable, I went along for the ride.

My fear of being labeled a social deviant, a slut, had yielded a lingering sexual apathy — I learned to be passive within sexual encounters. I learned not to consider my own desires and instead to be “okay with” and “down for” anything. I spent years prioritizing my partners’ sexual experience and pleasure over my own, following their lead, doing what I was told. It was not until well into adulthood — and several difficult, transparent conversations with a TGNC (Trans Gender-Nonconforming) sex-positive partner that I realized how desperately I needed to unlearn what I had been taught about sex.

Queer Conversations: Finding Sex-Positivity

Several months into our relationship, my ex-partner — who, for a bit of context, proudly described themself as “pro-ho” — asked, “What do I have to do to get you to ask me for sex?” The question stopped me in my tracks. Admittedly, I hadn’t even noticed that they were always the one who initiated our sexual rendezvous. They expressed frustration over this discrepancy and communicated their desire to feel wanted and to be pursued. After reflecting on why it rarely occurred to me to play a lead role in our sex life, I realized: I never did it because, in the past, I never had to. All of my previous partners came on to me. I had never protested, and none of them had ever complained.

Being in a partnership with someone whose sexual expression is a core part of their identity — someone deeply invested in the pursuit of pleasure and joy — made me glaringly aware of my own internalized sex-negativity.

I discovered how much shame around sex I had internalized, and how much that shame had stunted the growth of my own sexual identity and sexual expression.

I realized that I had allowed myself to become, as James Baldwin so brilliantly put it, a “co-conspirator” in my own oppression. Patriarchy, a social system in which cisgender heterosexual men dominate, is fundamentally rooted in women/AFAB people not feeling in control of their bodies.

Under patriarchy, women — and especially women of color — are systematically disconnected from our bodies. We are socialized not to consider what feels good to us, but as to how we can use our bodies in service of men.

I am working to unlearn these lessons and to exercise full agency over my body. I am working on moving away from shame, stigma, and silence towards a personal sex-positivity. Sex-positivity is a complex notion, and lots of folks have lots of things to say about what it actually means. For me, sex-positivity is the belief that sex, as long as it is healthy and consensual, is a positive thing. The Center for Positive Sexuality provides this definition:

“A sex-positive perspective acknowledges the wide range of human and sexual diversity among individuals; a multitude of sexual identities, orientations, and practices; gender presentations; and the need for accessible healthcare and education. Sex positivity also encourages open and safe communication, ethics, consent, empowerment of sexual minorities, and the resolution of various social problems that are associated with sexuality.”

Moving away from shame and towards sex-positivity means, first and foremost, that I must affirm myself as a sexual being. I have to stop pretending sex isn’t a part of my life. I have to let go of thoughts and beliefs that prevent me from taking control over what happens to my body.

Ultimately, what I want out of sex are the same things I want out of my life as a whole: curiosity, a spirit of play, openness, vulnerability, connectivity, pleasure, freedom.

Unlearning shame is not a journey that will happen overnight, but it’s a worthy endeavor nonetheless. Being sex-positive is about so much more than just having great sex. It’s, in the words of Toni Morrison, about “letting go of the shit that weighs me down.” It’s about prioritizing my own opinions, my own desires, and ultimately, my own happiness. It’s about taking full responsibility for my life and the experiences I have within it.

And what could be more radical than that?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to introduce sex toys into your relationship

By Mark Hay

Bringing sex toys into partnered sex can open up entirely new realms of pleasure for everyone involved.

Toys do things our bodies just cannot, like pulse and vibrate. These novel sensations can help many people have more consistent and frequent — or complex and intense — orgasmic experiences. And the sheer variety of experiences on offer can help couples keep their sex varied and interesting, which certainly helps to maintain desire in long-term relationships.

Sounds good, right? But even as taboos around using sex toys in general fade, sex counselor Aleece Fosnight notes that many still hesitate to broach the idea of bringing a toy to bed with partners.

So, why do we pause when it comes to using sex toys with partners?

The hesitation often stems, at least in part, from persistent beliefs that toys are for solo play, while sex is about two people meeting each other’s every want and need with their bodies alone, explains Fosnight.

Marketing that frames toys as stand-ins for absent partners, or solutions to sexual problems, doesn’t help, adds Amy Boyajian of toy maker and retailer Wild Flower. It leads people — especially straight cis men who rarely engage with toys — to view interest in toys as an attack on their sexual performance, or as sexual competition. (They definitively are not.) And Gretchen Leigh, a sex educator who works with the toy retailer She Bop, notes that people always worry about being weird, so rather than rock the boat, they “assume, ‘this is what this person likes in sex,’ and stay the course forever.”

How to have the sex toy conversations we want to have — and better sex, too

Talking to partners about exploring sex toys does not have to be a daunting or difficult endeavor. A half-dozen sex counselors, educators, and toy experts recently shared a few key tips and tricks for broaching the issue painlessly and productively with Mashable.

Consider the timing

One of the biggest mistakes people make when trying to introduce toys to their partners, these experts said, is attempting to just whip them out during sex. Unless you know your partner is comfortable with you and appreciates surprises during sex, Boyajian says, this “can leave them feeling anxious and pressured,” potentially dredging up insecurities or creating conflict.

Instead, set aside time outside of sex for a conversation about bringing toys into your play. “It’s easy to do in a new relationship,” says sexologist Carol Queen. That’s when you’ll ideally already be talking openly about your sexual preferences and can just work toys into those chats. But talking about sexual preferences takes a level of vulnerability that not everyone feels comfortable with early on. Even those who do may not think or feel able in early talks to broach toys specifically.

And that’s fine. There is no optimal time in a relationship to talk about sex toys. Months or even years down the road, once you’ve started having more open and regular conversations about your sexual wants and needs, you can raise the topic of toys. If you’ve never had a conversation like that, mentioning toys could be a good foothold to open up wider intimate dialogue. If you’re not sure how to start that first conversation, Fosnight recommends framing it as an idea you encountered in an article, in online talk, or during a chat with a friend.

Don’t criticize or apologize

No matter when or how you start the conversation, try not to connect your interest in toys to an explicit critique of or frustration with the sex you’re currently having. That will play right into potential underlying insecurities your partner may hold.

Don’t apologize or shy away from your own desires either, as that’s a good way to build up anxiety and stress on one or both sides of the conversation. Instead, try “coming from a place of exploration,” Boyajian suggests, in which sex toys are one of many exciting things you can try together to see what you can add to your sex life, to bring you both new and great experiences. “Most of us want our partners to have pleasure during sex, and will be willing to seek higher forms of pleasure together,” Leigh notes.

Don’t force the idea

If your partner is not open to the conversation or idea, don’t force toys on them with insistence or ultimatums. Instead, Jenni Skyler, a sexologist who works with adult retail giant Adam & Eve, suggests trying to talk, then or later, about why that idea makes them uncomfortable, then finding ways down the road to address any fears or stigmas about toys or sex that they may harbor. 

Be truly open to the idea of exploration

If your partner is interested in exploring the potential of toys, try not to dictate what that will look like — the toys you’re going to use together and how you’re going to use them. Instead, keep talking, in that first conversation and later on, about the kinds of sensations you both enjoy or are interested in exploring and how you could see toys playing into the sex you already have. Encourage each other to think outside the box of genital stimulation. Talk about the way your ideas overlap or differ. From that place of understanding, you can start to dive more fully into toys.

You or your partner may already have one or more toys you use alone that you’re excited about exploring together. In that case, Fosnight recommends that the partner with a toy bring it into bed at an agreed-upon time and demonstrate how they use it on themself, then guiding their partner, verbally or physically, to join in, or talk through how to try using the toy on or with each other.

You may also want to explore all-new toys together, to find something that fits your unique dynamic as a duo. Boyajian recommends turning toy research and shopping into a couple’s activity, a chance to build intimacy and mutual excitement and expectation. But Leigh cautions against falling into the trap of just exploring toys marketed for couples. There are a ton of guides online, some backed by sexual health experts. Yet they “aren’t in any way guaranteed to work better for couples than any other toys,” she explains.

In fact, many are built on presumptions about their users’ anatomies, and attempt to stimulate both parties at the same time. The same type of stimulation rarely works for two people at once, and many people actually enjoy using a toy on their partners — watching their partner use a toy, or mutual masturbation using two different toys — more than the two-party stimulations on offer.

Be safe…

“Any toy can potentially be used as a couple’s toy,” Leigh stresses. Of course, with so many toys to choose from, the selection can be daunting. Just remember there’s no rush. Take your time to explore your options together: Read toy reviews, consult friends and experts, and, once you do buy one or more toys, explore ways of using them.

Some outlets have published ostensibly definitive guides on how couples can use various toys. But as long as you’re being safe (e.g., not putting toys without a flared base up your anus and using ample toy-safe lube during any insertive play), “then you get to make the rules,” Boyajain stresses. “If it feels good, then it’s right for you!”

And have fun with it

“Be willing to laugh at the toy and yourself,” Skyler adds, because sometimes, inevitably, your experiments will not work out. That can be frustrating, because toys certainly aren’t cheap. You can, however, find good guides online to functional, body-safe toys that will help your engage in expansive rounds of exploration with a partner — without breaking the bank.

And remember, even when things don’t go perfectly or as expected, it’s all part of the journey you’re taking with your partner, and can help bring you closer as well.

And … that’s it! Follow these simple, flexible steps and you’ll be well on your way into the wide and wonderful world of toy-enhanced partnered sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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25 Best Couples Therapy Techniques, Exercises, and Activities to Try in 2021

by Jillian Goltzman

Online resources and telehealth has made couples therapy more accessible than ever.

If you’re looking to engage in self-improvement and enhance your relationship, there’s a multitude of techniques and exercises at your fingertips.

Couples therapy techniques

Reflective listening

“Reflective listening is a highly beneficial exercise where the couple take turns being active listeners,” says Laura Louis, a licensed psychologist at Atlanta Couple Therapy.

Use “I” phrases instead of “you” statements. For example, say “I feel hurt when you do X” instead of “You’re wrong for doing X.”

“When couples take turns being active listeners, it boosts healthy communication skills as well as conflict resolution skills for the couple,” Louis says.

Emotionally focused therapy

Many therapists use a method called emotionally focused therapy (EFT).

The goal is for couples “to identify maladaptive patterns within the relationship that are interfering with secure bonds and attachments,” says Ansley Campbell, a clinical director at The Summit Wellness Group.

People “learn and utilize techniques to heal or create safe and secure attachments within the relationship,” she explains.

Narrative therapy

The practice of narrative therapy revolves around people describing their problems in narrative form and rewriting their stories. This can help them see that no single story can possibly encapsulate the totality of their experience.

“There will always be inconsistencies and contradictions,” says Sam Nabil, CEO and lead therapist at Naya Clinics.

Narrative therapy may be helpful for couples who feel like their relationship is failing due to both of their faults.

“These couples often believe that they’re subject to this romantic pitfall and emotional trauma because they have been a ‘failure’ from the start and it is what they ‘deserve,’” Nabil says.

Gottman Method

The Gottman Method is a popular method practiced among couples therapists. The technique is designed to help couples deepen their understanding of one another while managing conflict in their relationship.

The Gottman Institute has more than 40 years of research under its belt. It provides live workshops and take-home training materials for couples, but many therapists have also trained using the Gottman Institute’s methods.

Imago relationship therapy

Imago relationship therapy, developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt in 1980, emphasizes the connection between adult relationships and childhood experiences.

By understanding childhood trauma, the therapy seeks to make couples more empathetic and understanding of one another.

Solution-focused therapy

If you’re experiencing a particular issue or want to work toward a specific goal, solution-focused therapy is a model to consider.

According to the Institute for Solution-Focused Therapy, the practice is “a short-term goal-focused evidence-based therapeutic approach which helps clients change by constructing solutions rather than dwelling on problems.”

Couples therapy exercises and activities

Get crafty

“Having a physically visible vision board can help remind you of your shared desires and goals for when you are having issues within the relationship,” Louis says.

She advises couples to get crafty by writing down goals and collecting pictures that embody your relationship desires.

“It’s a tangible reminder that a marriage is a work in progress, and that it takes hard work and time on both ends to create a strong, healthy, and long lasting relationship,” she says.

Find deeper topics to engage with

Get over surface-level conversations and ask your partner questions other than “What’s for dinner?”

Kelly Sinning, a Colorado-based licensed professional counselor, likes to give her clients the homework of simply talking with each other.

“Oftentimes, we get so busy and caught up in the day-to-day needs, we don’t realize that we stop having conversations about anything else,” she explains.

Express appreciation

Expressing gratitude and communicating what works in your relationship can help strengthen your appreciation for one another.

“Make it a habit of expressing appreciation daily through in-person conversations, texts, or a sticky note in a place your partner will find it,” suggests Meagan Prost, a licensed professional clinical counselor at Center for Heart Intelligence.

Identify your partner’s love language

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you experience love in the same way.

“The 5 Love Languages” by Dr. Gary Chapman has helped couples identify what makes them feel loved so they can show up for each other.

The five love languages are based on the idea that each person has a preferred way of receiving love:

  • receiving gifts
  • acts of service
  • words of affirmation
  • quality time
  • physical touch

Take the online quiz with your partner to discover your love language and better understand each other.

Schedule important conversations

Are you looking to have an important or difficult discussion with your partner? Take it from the experts: Serious talks are best when you have a plan.

“We often engage in conflict because the timing is wrong, and we aren’t in a frame of mind where we can thoughtfully engage in conversation,” says Alisha Powell, PhD, LCSW, with Amethyst Counseling and Consulting.

She advises tough conversations be scheduled in advance so no one is caught off guard.

Pencil in one-on-one time

While life can feel hectic, don’t let outside pressures override time with your partner.

“Scheduling an hour of ‘couples time’ to get intimate is a great start. Scheduling an hour of time to focus on topics that will help improve the relationship can be done several times a week or once a week,” says Grazel Garcia, LMFT.

Fill your intimacy bucket

As a couple and as individuals, understand that you both have intimacy needs.

Garcia calls this the “intimacy bucket,” which includes the following types of intimacy:

  • intellectual
  • experiential
  • social
  • emotional
  • sexual

Spend time finding exercises in each bucket. For example, you can explore a new hobby together or socialize with mutual friends on a Zoom game night.

Practice partner yoga

Consider teaming up with your partner for couples yoga.

Partner yoga allows you to balance together with your partner, establishing and strengthening trust as you flow through tandem moves.

A 2016 study linked mindfulness to increased relationship satisfaction. By synchronizing your breathing, you’ll be one with your partner during your practice — and the benefits may even exceed your yoga class.

The 6-second kiss

Don’t knock this technique before you try it. Dr. John Gottman, founder of the Gottman Institute, advocates for the 6-second kiss. It’s a way for couples to add a dash of romance seamlessly throughout the day.

The kiss is just long enough to be passionate while also acting as a distraction from the busyness of the day.

Show interest in each other’s day

When was the last time you asked your partner what they were most excited about for the day?

Spending a few moments discussing your partner’s agenda and goals will help support them and make them feel cared for in your relationship.

With her clients, Prost finds that “curiosity can help your partner feel connected to you.”

Share a list of things you want from your partner

Write down three things your partner could do weekly that would make you happy. Share your list with one another while looking in each other’s eyes.

The lists may not be something your partner can do every day, but a reminder of things they can manage to do once a week to help build trust and communication.

“The point is that we all show and need affection in different ways, and honoring those differences is essential to feeling heard and understood,” says Nyro Murphy, LCPC.

Have an icebreaker

You might remember icebreakers from summer camp or work seminars, but this go-to conversation-starting game may help reinvigorate your relationship and teach you something new about your partner.

Reintroduce yourself to your partner by setting time to discuss icebreaker questions that dig beneath the surface.

Connect through music

Remember the days of making your school crush the ultimate mixtape?

A 2011 study found that shared music preferences create stronger social bonds.

Feel the nostalgia and curate your own playlist of songs that remind you of your partner and the moments you’ve shared. Swap your playlists and get a peek into each other’s romantic side.

Start a book club for two

Reading can allow you to share an experience together at your own pace. Alternate the responsibility of choosing a book that’s grabbed your attention, and set a date to discuss it over dinner.

Eye gazing

Initiating long-held eye contact with your partner may help you two feel a stronger connection.

Prolonged eye contact can help you recognize emotions, build trustTrusted Source, and increase intimacy.

A 2018 study associated eye gazing with “self-other merging,” reducing the boundary between yourself and the other person to feel unity.

As the saying goes, the eyes are the window to the soul, so why not give it a try?

Practice gratitude

Gratitude has many benefits, including boosting well-being for yourself and your relationship.

A 2017 studyTrusted Source found that sharing gratitude with your partner increases oxytocin, a hormone that helps calm you and decrease stress. Researchers in the study found that gratitude led to a “greater experienced love” in the 129 participants.

At the end of each day, take time to share three things you’re grateful for with your partner.

Increase your cuddle time

There’s a reason why cuddling with your partner feels so good: Cuddling causes your body to release oxytocin and reduces cortisol, the stress hormone.

Penn Medicine reports that hugging can also lower resting blood pressure and regulate sleep patterns. If you’re feeling warm and fuzzy, your body is doing its job!

Invest in a therapy workbook

Find a couples therapy workbook in a book store or online and take time each week to go through assigned activities with your partner.

Dr. Annie Hsueh, PhD, of Hope and Sage Psychological Services, recommends her clients read and answer the question prompts in “Hold Me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson.

Hsueh also recommends “The Couple Home Connection System,” a workbook filled with exercises designed to help couples connect in “deeper, more meaningful ways.”

Unplug from your devices

According to a 2014 report by the Pew Research Center, 25 percent of people in a serious relationship say cellphones distract their partner when they’re alone together.

If distraction and a feeling of absenteeism is infiltrating your relationship, experiment with setting aside time to fully unplug and communicate with each other.

Every relationship has conflict. Learning how to handle your conflicts can not only patch up your issues but also make your relationship much stronger.

In couples therapy, a licensed counselor works with two people to improve their relationship.

Like any form of therapy, couples counseling requires a commitment and willingness to open up from both involved parties.

According to the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, more than 98 percent of people reported marriage and family therapy services as good or excellent.

Counseling doesn’t have to be a guarded practice reserved for any “type” of person. Couples therapy can help anyone in a relationship, regardless of demographics like sexual orientation and age.

“Couples can form a more secure bond with one another and be able to have vulnerable conversations without pushing the other person away,” Hsueh says.

When committing to couples therapy, come with an open mind, and be ready to break down the barriers of communication.

If you’re in need of a relationship refresh, counseling may be a great option for you.

No matter your situation, every couple can benefit from participating in couples therapy and acquiring a toolkit to deepen their connection with their loved one.

“The benefits to couples therapy are endless. The mere act of seeking couples therapy can be a demonstration of the significance and importance you place on your relationship,” says Nikki Young, LMFT.

“My goal in couples therapy is to teach couples how to navigate life together as a team, so that ultimately they say, ‘Hey, thanks for the support, but we got it from here,’” she adds.

The perks of couples therapy can include:

  • having a third-party mediator to help facilitate constructive conversations
  • finding new ways to communicate with your partner
  • decreasing distress and conflict within your relationship
  • being intentional with your time and words
  • setting time to dedicate to the improvement of your relationship
  • creating a safe, calm space in therapy to discuss difficult topics
  • practicing techniques to enhance emotional and physical intimacy
  • forming action plans to make your relationship a priority
  • identifying harmful or damaging patterns in your relationship and working around them
  • rebuilding trust with one another
  • establishing healthy boundaries in your relationship
  • having a therapist who can identify underlying issues and emotions you might not be aware exist
  • discovering and developing valuable skills to manage conflict
  • finding common ground and learning to relate to each other in a loving, kind way
  • feeling supported and listened to in your relationship
  • building skills to identify your needs and wants in a relationship

When it comes to committing to couples therapy, partners can start therapy for any reason that causes them conflict, distress, or mistrust.

Some common reasons couples may seek therapy include:

  • the need to rebuild trust after infidelity or deceit
  • to enhance physical and emotional intimacy if you’re feeling unsatisfied
  • to overcome trauma
  • going through a transition together, like parenthood or a big move
  • having different, conflicting views on how to parent
  • to help manage substance use disorder recovery for one or both partners
  • to learn more about the relationship and prevent future
  • feeling lost in the busyness of life
  • experiencing the grief of losing a loved one
  • the desire to have fun within your relationship and reignite your spark
  • anger issues that make it difficult to resolve conflict in a rational way
  • wanting to define the significance and seriousness of a relationship with the help of a third party
  • working through infertility
  • blended families and step-parenting
  • career pressures and job changes
  • financial problems

“Oftentimes, couples wait to seek therapy until they have reached a point of crisis within their relationship. And while this is likely a fitting time to seek couples therapy, please consult with a provider to ensure couples counseling is the right avenue of support,” Young says.

But in dangerous or dire situations, mental health professionals may advise another path.

“There are times when couples therapy is not indicated, such as situations of characterological domestic violence or an ongoing affair. In situations such as these, the therapist will likely recommend individual counseling instead,” she says.

No problem is too big or small for therapy, especially with the help of an experienced licensed professional.

From feeling disconnected to your partner to overcoming infidelity, exercises and techniques developed by licensed therapists can rehabilitate your relationship and improve your communication skills.

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Sexual fantasies are completely normal

— Here are the 7 most common ones

By Callie Tansill-Suddath

  • There is a wide range of common sexual fantasies from multi-partnered sex to daydreaming about sex in public. 
  • Other common sexual fantasies include voyeurism, sex with a partner of the same gender, and romantic sex.
  • Before acting on a sexual fantasy it’s important to establish consent and adhere to local laws regarding public nudity. 

Sex is a topic that can spark many complicated feelings. Even the most sex-positive folks can find themselves feeling confused and uncertain when reflecting on the arousing, erotic mental images — otherwise known as sexual fantasies — they conjure up in their head. 

It is easy to get caught up thinking your innermost thoughts are deviant. But, chances are even your most taboo fantasies are normal and healthy. In fact, evidence suggests that those who have sexual fantasies experience less anxiety and a greater sense of self-esteem.

Daydreaming about sex is completely normal, and acting on a shared fantasy may even help spice up a relationship. Just make sure that you establish consent and boundaries with your partner, and are following all local laws around nudity and sex.

Below you will find examples of some of the most common fantasies people experience — and how to act on them safely. 

1. Multi-partner sex

Multi-partner sex involves sex with more than one partner of the same or different genders. Sex with three partners may be called a threesome and more may be called an orgy.

A 2017 study published in Archives of Sexual Behavior involving 274 Canadian university undergraduates revealed 64% of participants had some interest in multi-partner sex.

Another study published in Personality and Individual Differences involving 788 British adults found that men specifically may fantasize more about multi-partner sex. Male participants of the study were more likely to fantasize about sex with multiple people and with anonymous partners. Meanwhile, women’s fantasies were more likely to include same-sex partners and famous people.

2. Dominant or rough sex

Rough sex is a sexual act that is aggressive, animalistic, and perhaps somewhat violent. It is often depicted as more passionate than other kinds of sex, but can also be associated with unhealthy abusive sex. Though, rough is not inherently dangerous or abusive.

BDSM, which encompasses much of rough sex, stands for bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism and masochism. BDSM encompasses many different kinks — often considered atypical sexual practices. Dominant or submissive sex often involves the consensual assuming and relinquishing of power between those involved. It can involve tying your partner up, spanking, and an entire spectrum of other behaviors and emotional entanglements. 

Some people are aroused by light restraint, others by intense physical pain.

Psychological roleplay — like that between a teacher and student or a boss and employee — may also be considered BDSM as it involves an exchange of power.

Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist whose research focuses on sexuality, discovered this fantasy is wildly popular when doing research for his book on the science of sexual desire called Tell Me What You Want. He surveyed 4,000 Americans and found 93% of women and 81% of men had fantasized about being sexually dominated. Further, 85% of men and 76% of women had fantasized about being sexually dominant.

3. Voyeurism or exhibitionism

Voyeurism is arousal caused by watching an unsuspecting person or people engaged in a private intimate or sexual act. A small 1991 study found 54% of men have voyeuristic fantasies. Meanwhile, a 2006 Swedish study found that of 2,450 adults surveyed in 1996, 7.7% had reported becoming aroused watching other people have sex.

Exhibitionism is on the other end of voyeurism; it is the act of becoming aroused by others consensually watching you have sex or by exposing parts of your body to unsuspecting participants. Both of these kinks can be considered problematic if one is unable to control their urges, if the fantasy causes emotional distress, or if legal issues arise.

You probably won’t be able to act on this sexual fantasy. In the US, and many other countries, it is illegal to watch or tape anyone having sex without their consent. Additionally, public nudity is illegal in most of the US, although the definition of nudity may vary by state.

4. Sex in public or an unusual location

Sex in public is another popular fantasy that may fall under exhibitionism. In Lehmiller’s same survey, he found 81% of men and 84% of women were aroused by a public sex fantasy.

It’s important to note that acting on this fantasy is often illegal. Though actual guidelines vary by the municipality — for instance, public nudity is legal in areas like Denver where people of all sexes can go topless — sex acts in public are illegal in all 50 states.

5. Roleplay and cosplay

Despite their similar names, roleplay and cosplay are distinct fantasies:

Unfortunately, there has not been a great deal of research done on the topic of sexual roleplay or cosplay. An issue in the International Journal of Roleplaying suggests this is because sexologists consider it to be an “insignificant factor of foreplay,” and therefore, is not explicitly included in research questionnaires.

6. Romantic sex

Romantic sex is different than many fantasies because there is no specified definition — what is romantic for one person may differ for another.

In theory, any kind of sex can be romantic. Romantic sex is “…a sexual relationship in which there’s an emotional and erotic connection. It could be long and slow and sensuous, it could be tantric sex, it could, you know, have some BDSM involved in it,” says Deborah Fox, a clinical social worker and certified sex therapist.

Tantric sex, for example, is slow and doesn’t fixate its end goal on orgasm. Instead, the goal of it is to focus on the entire sexual experience and any sensations it brings up. 

Lehmiller reports finding romantic sexual fantasies more popular among younger respondents of his survey. He also found 91% of straight men, 88% of straight women, and 87% of gay and bisexual men and women, fantasize about their current romantic partner — making partners the most common person respondents fantasized about..

7. Gender-bending and homoeroticism

Gender-bending is when a person challenges societal expectations of their gender. Modern American examples of it trace back to 1920s vaudeville and can be linked to present-day drag shows. People of all sexual orientations can practice gender-bending. It’s important to note that this is different from transgenderism, which is when someone has a gender identity or gender expression that differs from their assigned sex at birth.

Homoeroticism is a fantasy that involves sexual acts with members of the same sex. It can be — and is often — experienced by people who identify as heterosexual, not just homosexual or queer.

In fact, a 2019 paper published in Social Forces suggests 3.6% to 4.1% of men and 7.6% to 9.5% of women report some level of same-sex sexual or romantic attraction.

Further, sexual desire is not an either or situation, nor does it define your sexual identity. For example, a heterosexual cisgender woman who is in a sexually fulfilling relationship with a cisgender man can still have fantasies about other women.

Fox thinks of sexuality as a spectrum, or a bell curve. On one tail of the curve is being completely straight, and on the other tail is being completely gay. Most people fall somewhere in the middle. 

“People might identify as straight, but they can have a little titillation about you know, imagining, or even engaging [in same-sex sexual acts],” says Fox. “Some heterosexual people do have sex with the same gender person occasionally…having that homosexual fantasy, I don’t think it necessarily means anything about their identity in and of itself.”

Tips for approaching your partner with sexual fantasies

Trying out fantasies with your partner is exciting and thrilling. But, before you start, there are important aspects of experimentation you should ensure are in place for utmost safety and pleasure.

1. Establish consent

The most important thing to establish when having sex with partners is consent. It shows a partner you respect them and their body, and a sexual act without consent is assault.

Consent is explicit, non-coercive permission to engage in a certain act, in this case, one of a sexual nature. It can be revoked at any time. It is the most vital aspect of healthy sex.

Consent is not merely “no means no” — but more of a “yes means yes.” It looks like:

  • Consistently checking in with a partner throughout a sexual experience
  • Asking explicitly if they like something before you do it
  • Discontinuing an act if they ask you to stop — even if they agreed to it beforehand

2. Discuss boundaries

To have the safest possible experience, you must be transparent about what it is you want and don’t want. This can include:

  • Set an agreed-upon plan for how the sexual encounter might go, including what is off-limits
  • Establish a safe word to say when you begin to feel unnerved, so your partner knows when to stop,

The basis of these boundaries is consent, which can be relinquished at any time. It is important to get permission before trying anything new, or even if it’s something you do regularly.

3. Use proper protection

To avoid transmitting any STIs, ensure you practice safe sex with a condom or other barrier.

Other forms of birth control like an IUD or spermicide do not protect against STIs; inform your partner beforehand if you may be carrying one.

4. Treat your partner with respect

Sex is intimate and should only be experienced somewhere and with someone who you feel safe with.

Understand vulnerability must be embraced when having sex, and do not say or do anything that may make your partner feel judged. Take it slow, especially when trying new things. Voice any concerns or thoughts you may have throughout.

The bottom line

Sexual fantasies are nothing to be embarrassed about. Desire is a key part of sexuality and having fantasies is normal, common, and healthy.

Just because you have a fantasy does not mean you want to act on it. But if you do, it is important to establish consent, respect your partner’s boundaries, use proper protection, and make sure you are following local laws around sex and nudity.

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Diamonds Aren’t Special and Neither Is Your Love

We’ve coupled love to marriage and marriage to gems, and all three thrive on the assumption of rarity. What would it mean for love to be common?

By Jaya Saxena

In South Africa there are mines full of more diamonds than humanity could ever want or need. You won’t get the chance to see most of them; few are flawless enough to enter the jewelry market. As the stones are excavated, carved, and judged by the four C’s—color, carat, cut, clarity—they are whittled down until only the most perfect remain.

Only about 20 percent of mined diamonds are of gemstone quality, and of those, a significant portion still have visible “flaws” or discolorations. Based on these statistics and these rigorous criteria, the diamond you might be inclined to think of, the one shimmering in the window of Tiffany’s or on a newly engaged woman’s hand, indeed seems rare. After all, it’s the perfect stone, meant to represent the perfect relationship. How often would that come along?

“Perfect” diamonds may be less common than their colorful, pockmarked counterparts, but diamonds are abundant. The criteria used to keep some from market were created to serve the diamond industry and change whenever there’s a need to unload product (think of every celebrity who has sported a yellow or pink engagement ring instead of a white one). And most people can’t tell the difference between a real diamond and something like cubic zirconia anyway. A diamond’s perfection and rarity wind up being arbitrary.

A singular person can achieve moments of perfection: a 100 on a spelling test, a just-cleaned house, straight teeth, a just-cut gem. But even then, as soon as it’s attained, it’s dulled by the end of the pursuit, or overtaken by the anxiety of maintaining it. Perfection is harder to affix to a relationship, like a paper label sliding down an oily jar. If perfection is defined in part by its transience, then it seems anathema to something as permanent, and common, as marriage. The perfect diamond is a promise of the perfect relationship, because love is supposedly rare and so is this stone. We want the story that tells us our relationship is special. And we don’t want to accept that rarity isn’t all that meaningful.

Until the 19th century, diamonds were rare. But by about 1870, they were at risk of becoming ordinary. Huge diamond mines were discovered in South Africa, flooding the market, making the gem available, and slightly more affordable, to anyone who wanted one. This was no way to run an industry that relied upon rarity, so the major investors created De Beers Consolidated Mines Ltd., a group that took control of the diamond trade to ensure price stability for the exporting countries and companies, which is to say they owned every aspect of the industry, including how many diamonds were allowed on the market, in order to perpetuate the illusion of diamond rarity—and keep prices high.

“Diamonds had little intrinsic value—and their price depended almost entirely on their scarcity,” wrote Edward Jay Epstein in his seminal 1982 article for The Atlantic, “Have You Ever Tried to Sell a Diamond?” In it, he outlines how De Beers orchestrated a dual lie: that the diamond is rare, but also that the diamond is a symbol of commitment and love that no relationship should be without. In the 1930s, during the Great Depression, diamonds were seen as a luxury, and most women thought it absurd to spend money on one when so many more practical things could be had. De Beers hired the ad company N. W. Ayer & Son, which explicitly set the goal of creating “a situation where almost every person pledging marriage feels compelled to acquire a diamond engagement ring.” The diamond ring, which was not a thing, became a thing. The slogan “A diamond is forever” became fact, and by 1951, eight out of 10 brides in the U.S. were the recipients of diamond rings.

But De Beers knows that diamonds are worth only what they mean to the buying public, and diamonds may be in crisis again. Americans are waiting longer to get married, and progressive social politics have opened up the idea of who can get married, and made people question whether or not marriage needs to be the end point of a committed relationship. The recession once again spooked a generation out of such an impractical investment. De Beers knows, maybe better than we do, that perfection is a moving target.

There was no first conversation about marriage with my partner, Matt. It had always been there, the assumed outcome from the moment we got together for the third time. The first time was in high school, so it didn’t count. The second time, at 21, I felt the weight of forever bearing down on my shoulders. It seemed obvious that this would be the ending, and I didn’t want to go down that road yet, so I left on one of those around-the-world trips that are supposed to stuff you with enough “life experience” in six months to let you skip over the hard work of growing up. Matt left a key for me for when I returned, and I waited in their bed, eating boxed cookies they had left and listening to a playlist they had made, until my eyes rolled shut. I woke to Matt sliding into bed and enveloping me, and to the thought that I would never have to do anything else. Maybe I was like one of those chickens that needs a new chicken to be introduced to the coop while they’re asleep, otherwise they’d be too aware of change and run away. But by morning we both knew where we were going.

Years later, I gave my partner a diamond ring. The diamond had been passed to me by my aunt, and was passed to her from my great-grandmother—a bit of luck since we were each the eldest or only granddaughter of our generations. My aunt had it reset in a yellow-gold ribbon-esque setting, too big for me, but it sat in my jewelry box, ready for me to do whatever I wanted with it.

It didn’t even occur to me that proposing was what I was doing when I walked over to Matt’s side of the bed, ring outstretched, and said that I wanted them to have this for whenever they were ready, because I was ready. As the woman, it felt like there was no way my ask was the real one.

Over the next few months I joked that if Matt didn’t propose soon, I would, as if that would be the most absurd outcome of our relationship, and as if I hadn’t already done so. A proposal—the right kind, the one in which I was being asked—would not change our relationship or our commitment to each other, but I wanted it all the same, and was deeply uncomfortable with that knowledge. I wanted something beautiful and special, and now I was scared I wouldn’t get it, or that it wouldn’t be as wonderful as I had been led to expect.

A proposal isn’t necessarily a bad thing to want. As silly as the presentation of a diamond ring could be, occasion marks intention in a way a series of small conversations just doesn’t. Asking someone to say yes or no in a life-changing situation grants the other person an awesome power. They’re not being asked to go along with a suggested plan; they’re being asked to decide. Still, eventually Matt proposed, and now I’m a woman who was proposed to with a fucking diamond ring. Just the way De Beers wanted it.

We’ve coupled love to marriage and we’ve coupled marriage to diamonds, and all three thrive on the assumption of rarity. What would it mean for love to be common? For marriage to become irrelevant as its benefits are made available to all? I say this as someone in love and in a marriage, who gets fiercely defensive of those things. But I could easily have married my college boyfriend if the terroir were right. I could have married anyone, which is not something I’m supposed to think about. We know that love is not perfect, that it’s arbitrary and common, that if we grew up a state away or spoke a different language, we might not have fallen in love with the person we currently love. But to admit that would be to break the spell and rebuild our relationships on … what exactly? I don’t know how to value things if they are not unique. I don’t know how to care about something if it’s not special, and though I feel like my relationship is the only one of its kind, I don’t know why that is.

I have told myself my marriage is different—unlike everyone who crows about it in Instagram captions, we are actually best friends, we actually have been through thick and thin and know more about each other than we know about ourselves. Surely, all other married couples must be kidding on some level. They must have something to go through the rigmarole of staying together for so long, but no one has what we have. We are the only ones who got it right.

In reality, your marriage will never transcend the institution, but you want it to feel like it will. Marriage is special, so special, but also so common, and to reach the state where it starts sounding like a good idea and not a prison, it has to feel different from the mere idea of marriage. It has to feel like the two of you cracked something open and are scamming the system, and yes, you’re technically getting married, but clearly this is something grander and deeper than the law ever scratched. There’s no way, you tell yourselves, this thing you’re doing, that billions of people have done before, is ordinary. And getting to that point takes effort, not happenstance and coincidence.

The love that you build a marriage on is lying at the back of every cave, amply dull, waiting for someone brave enough to make the journey and bring the right tools. Diamonds, the perfect stones, are not scarce, and neither is love. It can show up in any size, hidden under any mantle, forged in the worst and weirdest conditions. What if diamonds were more special the more we had, and seeing one on someone else only confirmed to both of you how wonderful your shared accessorizing was? I’m trying to let my diamond make me as common as it is, part of a world in which caves overflow with unimpressive pebbles just waiting to be shined up and sold. I do not want my sense of self to be based on what others do not or cannot have. I want to feel the true abundance of love.

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10 sex drive myths experts say are toxic and gendered

    • Many sex drive myths are based on out-dated gender norms.

    • Sex drive varies from person to person regardless of their gender.

    • A person’s sex drive might change over the course of their life.

     

    A person’s sex drive doesn’t depend on their gender and everyone’s libido fluctuates throughout their life.

    By Carla Delgado

    Sex drive (or libido) is the instinct, desire, or energy to engage in sexual behavior. There’s no right or wrong frequency or amount of sex. Everyone has their own baseline of what “normal” libido is because it varies from one individual to another.

    “Desire for sex is based on a variety of factors, including how we feel mentally and physically, the setting, the stimuli, the person(s) we are with. Sexual desire ebbs and flows in response to situations,” says Justin R. Garcia, MS, PhD, whose a sex researcher and executive director of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

    There are a number of myths surrounding sex drive like how oysters stimulate desire and all men have a high sex drive. It is important to debunk these misconceptions to prevent people from spreading inaccurate information and to prevent folks from putting unnecessary pressure on themselves or partners

    Here are some of the most commonly held myths about sex drive that we need to stop believing.

    Myth 1: Women have a lower sex drive than men

    Aside from the false, though common, assumption that there are only two genders or sexes, a 2014 study showed that sexual desire manifests similarly among men and women based on sexual arousal and motivation, as well as the frequency of sexual desire. It also concluded that gender norms and inaccurate methods used in research influence supposed gender differences.

    Libido can be affected by pregnancy, breastfeeding, illness, menopause, or andropause because of hormonal changes, but it doesn’t mean that women inherently have a lower sex drive than men. “Any given woman may report a much higher or much lower baseline interest in sex than any given man,” says Garcia.

    Myth 2: Oysters are an aphrodisiac

    Foods like oysters, chocolates, strawberries, and honey are often thought of as aphrodisiacs, which increase sexual desire when consumed. However, this claim isn’t supported by science. There is limited research suggesting that any specific food can increase sex drive, but a well-balanced diet can improve overall heart health which often supports better sexual health, says Seth Cohen, MD, MPH, assistant professor of urology and director of the division of sexual medicine at NYU Grossman School of Medicine. Many may find chocolate– or any other sensually appetizing item– appealing because it is often a source of pleasure, supporting a person’s interest in further good feelings, including sexual enjoyment. 

    Myth 3: You can never increase your sex drive

    Sex drive can increase or decrease depending on various circumstances, so it is possible to boost your libido when it is lower than what is normal for you. According to Cohen, an individual can do this by engaging in movement or exercise you enjoy,  reducing stress, increasing mindfulness, and having a diet that aligns with your health needs. Lack of quality sleep also affects sexual function, so get about seven to nine hours of sleep every night, and check out these tips for how to sleep better if you’re having trouble.

    Myth 4: People with chronic illnesses or disabilities always have a low sex drive

    It’s a common misconception that disabled people are less sexual than able-bodied people. “Some people experience their sexual pleasure differently than others, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily have more or less interest in sexual activity,” says Garcia. Chronic illnesses and disabilities may affect sexual function or arousal, but it’s wrong to think that they don’t enjoy or can’t have sex. Keep in mind that pleasure and intimacy don’t look the same for everybody and there’s more to sex than penetration. 

    Myth 5: All men have a high sex drive

    “All men do not have a high sex drive. I see plenty of men daily from the ages of 20 to 80 who have low sex drive for various reasons, whether depression, anxiety, stress, low self esteem and body image, weight gain, poor diet, multiple medical problems, and more,” says Cohen. Sexual desire varies, so the basis for a “high sex drive” is subjective. It’s also harmful to everyone involved to think men have a high sex drive, it puts unrealistic standards on men and harmful expectations for others.

    Myth 6: Age is the only factor that can reduce sex drive

    While it’s true that sex drive can change with age, there are plenty of psychological and physical factors that can affect it. Mental and emotional well-being, and habits such as smoking, drinking, and certain drugs, can all cause a low sex drive. Relationship factors and fears of consequences (such as an STI or pregnancy) can also greatly hinder a person’s sex drive. 

    Myth 7: You need to have sex often to maintain a high sex drive

    “Frequent sexual activity is not necessary in order to maintain a healthy and satisfying libido,” says Garcia. While it’s true that having sex can increase the desire for more sex, “most people can become aroused and experience sexual desire in the absence of recent sexual activity, even after long periods of abstinence,” says Garcia.

    Myth 8: Pornography doesn’t affect sex drive

    Porn, specifically ethically produced porn, in and of itself is not problematic, what can be problematic is how people engage with porn. However, pornography can decrease sex drive by conditioning an individual’s sexual arousal to elements of pornography that don’t reflect in reality, leading to unrealistic ideas of intimacy, relationships,  and body image expectations. Sexual imagery can also increase libido by encouraging a person to have a deeper sexual relationship with themself and by priming their sexual excitement. However, many people who watch pornography, either alone or with a partner, continue to have sexual desire even without pornographic stimuli, says Garcia.

    Myth 9: Having a low sex drive means you can’t enjoy sex

    “Someone can have relatively low sexual interest, but then become aroused rather quickly,” says Garcia. People often have what is called responsive desire, which means that while they may not feel the urge to initiate sex, they do still enjoy it. Even though an individual wants to have sex less frequently than they usually do, they can still enjoy it as much as they did before. “Sex is satisfying in itself. A low sex drive just means you want less of it,” says Cohen. 

    Myth 10: It’s wrong or bad to have a low sex drive

    Everyone’s sex drive is different and it normally fluctuates over time. However, if your low sex drive is distressing you or negatively affecting your relationship, you can seek a medical professional or sex therapist to discuss your sexual health and address possible causes.

    “Low sex drive is not bad, but if it’s zero for long periods of time, then further medical workup is warranted,” says Cohen. It may be a sign of underlying health problems such as an arousal disorder, the inability to attain or maintain sexual interest.

    It’s also possible that someone with low or no sexual desire is asexual.

    Many of the myths around sex drive are generalizations about a particular group of people or misinformation about the factors that affect libido. According to Garcia, “scientifically accurate sex education is woefully lacking especially here in the United States,” which might explain why there are questions and misconceptions around sex, including sex drive.

    It’s important to understand that the desire to engage in sexual behavior largely varies between people, so you shouldn’t automatically assume that everyone has the same sex drive as you. Before engaging in sexual activity, have an honest discussion with your partner/s about individual desires to establish clear boundaries.

    “In the world of sexuality, variation is the norm,” says Garcia. If you’re concerned about your sexual health, seek a medical professional for a consultation.

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Can You Get Coronavirus From Sex?

No — and Yes

by Abby Lee Hodd

Worries about the pandemic have put a damper on dating. Should those concerns also discourage sexual activity?

Intimacy and intercourse may not transmit COVID-19, but nearly everything else about sex with a partner increases your chances of getting sick, according to immunologists and health experts.

Bodily fluids exchanged during intercourse and genital contact isn’t what infects people whose partners are COVID-19 carriers, says William Schaffner, M.D., an infectious disease specialist and professor at Vanderbilt University. Instead, it’s intimate contact like heavy breathing, kissing and close proximity that causes risk.

Though coronavirus has been detected in semen, so far there’s no evidence it can be passed on that way.

“There’s nothing sexual about the transmission,” Schaffner says. “[It’s] the intimacy part of sexuality rather than the sexual organ functionality.”

Not giving up on intimacy

So if you’re dating and don’t want to give up sex, what’s the best way to curtail risk when it comes to transmission of COVID-19?

Pandemic safe sex guidelines released by the New York City Health Department last year recommend limiting sexual partners to those in your own household or pandemic bubble. The sexually explicit guidelines, which were parodied in a Saturday Night Live segment, suggest the safest sex is masturbation (wash your hands first) and offered “sexy Zoom parties” as an alternative with partners not in your household. The guidelines also said people should refrain from kissing and should wear coronavirus-preventing masks during sex.

Despite a certain amount of risk, older adults aren’t ready to give up on dating or sex. Instead, many are checking in with partners and adapting their sex lives to stay safe.

Communication with sexual partners is key

Tanya Henderson, a 63-year-old Nashville native, says she is always concerned about her sexual safety, not just during the pandemic.

“I am committed to remaining sexually active,” Henderson says, and before the pandemic hit, she would get tested for sexually transmitted infections as part of her adult sexual wellness efforts.

When the pandemic began, Henderson reserved sexual intimacy for a trusted partner she’d previously been intimate with, although the two were not in a committed relationship. In September 2020, Henderson did find a regular, exclusive partner and has since been in a relationship for a few months.

Henderson says frank conversations about COVID-19 with partners are essential, and says she and her initial COVID intimacy partner both wore masks in public and self-isolated to prevent the risk of getting sick. She also said both kept their circles “guarded” and small, only spending time with others who’d been tested or hadn’t had a lot of exposure to the illness.

“We were confident … we were safe,” Henderson says.

Tom Sommers, 57, who is pansexual and lives in Washington, D.C., says concerns about the coronavirus led him to delete his dating apps for four months. But he’s slowly starting to feel more comfortable taking precautions and being sexually active. But one issue has nothing to do with virus transmission.

Pandemic Safe Sex

According to experts, there are precautions older adults can take for safer sexual activity. They include:

  • Limit sexual partners to those in your own household, or those in your pandemic “bubble.”
  • Consider using technology like sexting, Facetiming, texting or video calling as alternative ways to enjoy intimacy with your partner.
  • Know the science and talk to your partners. Make sure everyone agrees to the same social distancing and mask procedures and that each partner is comfortable with the other’s pandemic precautions. “The coming together should be preceded by a conversation … you need that element of trust,” Schaffner says.
  • Practice good hygiene by washing up before and after sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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You’ve Survived Cancer

— Now What About Dating?

Don’t let body image concerns and emotional changes stop you from seeking love

by Susan Moeller

Six years ago, Deanna Savage had breast cancer, followed by a double mastectomy and reconstruction. After more than a year of surgeries and treatment, she returned to online dating.

But her body felt different than in past years of dating: She had new “pucks and dents” in places and lost sensitivity in some areas. And she had something extra accompanying her on dates: her cancer diagnosis.

“I either mentioned it right away or I didn’t mention it for a while,” says Savage, 52, who works for a wine distributor in Milwaukee and founded a nonprofit breast cancer support organization, Savage Support. “Both ways scare people off because everyone has their own relationship or even explanation of what cancer is.… And so they projected that onto me.”

Cancer and its treatments affect not only the look of patients’ bodies but also sensation, mechanics and stamina, says experts like Savage, who is also a mentor with ABCD, or After Breast Cancer Diagnosis, a Milwaukee one-on-one mentoring organization. Yet companionship, romance and intimacy foster healing, says Yanette Tactuk, a licensed clinical social worker with Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City.

Resources for Dating After Cancer

Here are some places that help with navigating dating and sex in the face of a cancer diagnosis.

• Check with your local cancer center. Many now have survivorship clinics that address issues of wellness and lifestyle, including relationships and sexuality.

• Ask your health care provider or chapter of the American Cancer Society about in-person or online support groups.

• Look for peer mentoring programs at cancer centers or organizations such as ABCD (After Breast Cancer Diagnosis) to connect you one-on-one with someone who has had a similar experience.

• Consider reputable online sources such as Cancer.net, sponsored by the American Society of Clinical Oncologists, which has information on dating and sexuality.

• Find a therapist or certified sex educator. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a searchable online directory.

“It’s important to feel comfortable and confident, regardless of where you are in your treatment process and regardless of your relationship status,” Tactuk says. “The advantages of finding ways to love and accept oneself and to connect with others are physical, psychological, emotional and relational.”

Dating after cancer

If you’re ready to start dating, begin by thinking about why, says Jeffrey Gaudet, a licensed clinical social worker in Mashpee, Massachusetts, who has led cancer survivorship programs. Dating could include physical intimacy or not, he says.

“Understand your body, but also understand where you’re coming from emotionally,” he says. “Someone might be looking for a fully developed relationship that might lead to marriage, or they might be saying, ‘Hey, you know what, I just need someone to be with me.’”

Consider issues you’ve had with dating in the past, he says, such as how you communicate or feelings about your body. If you are ready for intimacy, don’t be shy about gathering information on how to make it work. As cancer patients live longer, more resources are available to improve the quality of their lives, including sexually. Don’t worry that you’re the only one who has a body that’s not looking or working quite as it used to.

“This is a really common experience,” says Don Dizon, M.D., professor of medicine at Brown University and founder of the Sexual Health First Responders Program in Providence, Rhode Island. “If you look at survey data, those who report some degree of sexual compromise is anywhere between 50 and 90 percent.”

Physicians and patients rarely discuss relationships or sex because cancer checkups are so focused on survival or treatment plans, Dizon says. Patients may be too distracted or embarrassed to ask questions, or think they are alone in having issues. A survey by the health organization Livestrong found that fewer than half of patients bring up these issues, he says.

“It’s really not until people leave that room that they start thinking, Boy, I really wanted to ask those other questions,” Dizon says. “We, as clinicians, assume things that are important will be brought to our attention by patients themselves, [but] when it comes to sexual health, that’s not going to happen.”

Discussing cancer and sexuality

For starters, he says, understand who you are as a sexual being. What’s your perspective on dating and sex? How do you respond to relationship cues? Are you able to communicate with a partner? Are you one to jump right into a relationship or expose your inner life slowly?

And be flexible about what intimacy might look like, Dizon says.

“What we’re learning is that couples can … find their own ways to experience pleasure and experience satisfaction,” he says.

Ellen Barnard, a social worker and certified sex educator who co-owns; A Woman’s Touch in Madison, Wisconsin, a sex education resource center and sexual health products shop, describes herself as a “problem solver.” One reason she and co-owner Myrtle Wilhite, M.D., started the shop 25 years ago was to help breast cancer patients find ways to improve sexual response without hormone replacement therapy.

Their website has a downloadable resource sheet on “Healthy Sexuality After Cancer,” as well as a place to submit questions. These days, Barnard and Wilhite work with customers with all kinds of cancers and also train health care providers.

“There’s plenty that can be done.… Nobody needs to lose their enjoyment of sexual pleasure,” Barnard says.

And remember, it’s unlikely that anyone over 50 will have a body that works perfectly.

“The most important thing that I try to instill in people is not to see themselves as ‘damaged,’” Dizon says. “Getting older comes with its own complications, but cancer’s not the only complication people will be bringing to the table.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to pick the best lube for you

By Julia Naftulin

  • Lube can make penetrative and anal sex more pleasurable experiences.
  • Choose a lube that fits your needs. Some aren’t compatible with condoms and sex toys.
  • The three main categories of lubricant are water-based, oil-based, and silicone-based.
  • Lubrication, whether it comes from your vagina or an outside source, can make all kinds of sex acts more pleasurable.

    But figuring out which personal lubrication is the best one for your needs can feel tricky when you’re faced with an aisle of options.

    The key is to consider the three main categories of lube, oil-based, water-based, and silicone-based, and try one that fits your needs, according to Dr. Ina Park, an associate professor at University of California San Francisco’s School of Medicine and author of the upcoming book “Strange Bedfellows: Adventures in the Science, History and Surprising Secrets of STDs.”

    “Vaginas are really sensitive and sometimes you have to go through a process of elimination and figure out what does and doesn’t work for you,” Park told Insider.

    Water-based lubricants

    Water-based lubricants can be found at drugstores, gas stations, and grocery stores, making them an accessible and affordable option.

    This type of lube is compatible with condoms, so they’re a good option for someone who wants to use the drugstore contraceptive for birth control or STD prevention. Water-based lubes are also compatible with any type of sex toy, no matter what material it’s made from.

    Some people steer clear from water-based options because many contain genital-irritating ingredients like glycerin, according to Park.

    People who are prone to yeast infections should avoid glycerin-containing lubes, OBGYN Dr. Lauren Streicher previously told Prevention. Though this ingredient makes water-based lubes more slippery, it also contains sugar, an ingredient that can contribute to yeast overgrowth.

  • But for folks with “resilient vaginas,” as Park said, who rarely get vaginal infections, a glycerin-containing water-based lube could be fine.

    Some water-based lube brands, like Astroglide and Sliquid, also have glycerin-free options, so if you have an infection-prone vagina but need to use condoms, it’s worth giving them a try.

    There’s also a chance you could get a yeast infection from a glycerin-containing water-based lube even if you haven’t had one before.

    “It is possible that these products change the delicate balance of vaginal flora — organisms that live in the vagina — and acidity in a healthy vagina,” Joelle Brown, a researcher who authored a 2013 study on how various lubes affected women’s vaginas, told Prevention. “Any changes in that balance, whether it’s due to irritating lubricants or otherwise, can trigger an infection.”

    That’s why Park suggested experimenting with individual lubes, seeing how your body reacts, and going from there.

    Popular brands like Astroglide and K-Y Jelly are water-based lubes.

    Silicone-based lubricants

    Silicone-based lubes are slicker and more difficult to wipe away than water-based ones, making them ideal for anal sex and shower sex, said Park.

    “They’re more substantial and thicker and they can be used with condoms. So for people who like have sex in the shower, they don’t just wash away, like with water-based lubes,” Park said.

    Though silicone lubes can be used with latex condoms, it’s best to keep them off any silicone-based sex toys. That’s because combining two silicone-based objects can erode the silicone and damage your toys.

  • Oil-based lubricants

    If you prefer a more natural or do-it-yourself approach to lube, an oil-based option could be a good fit.

    Park said she’s noticed coconut oil rise in popularity as a household-essential-turned-lube because of its slippery texture and long-lasting nature. Olive oil, vitamin E oil, and avocado oil are also options for DIY oil-based lube.

    Since these oils don’t contain sugar, they’re great for people who are prone to vaginal infections, said Park.

    She said as long as the oil doesn’t have a fragrance, which many massage or body oils do, they can keep things slick without irritating your genitals.

    There’s one downside to oil-based formulas: They can’t be used with latex condoms because they’ll erode the material and render the condom ineffective. That’s why Park suggests oil-based lubes primarily for people in monogamous relationships.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Maintain Your Sexual Health in Long Relationships

– 2021 Guide

The sexual energy between you and your partner is what’s going to define how long your relationship will last. For some people this is still a taboo subject in 2021 but it really shouldn’t be. Speaking of relationships, things in the bedroom can really become dull after a few years. In fact, when you take a look at the statistics and what most sex therapists are telling us on this topic, most clients are those who are already in a relationship for more than four years. This is pretty normal but it shouldn’t be like that. Even after being with someone for twenty or more years, things can still be spicy if you know how to make them spicy.

In today’s article we’ll talk about maintaining your sexual health in a long-term relationship, so without any further ado let’s take a look at what you need to know.

Trying new things whenever you can

Even if you do the most exciting thing in your life for many years it will eventually become boring. It’s just how we humans function. We need change, we need fresh things, we need to adapt and we need to constantly stimulate our satisfactions with something that we haven’t heard or tried before. The same thing goes for your sexual relationship, and this is backed up by many professional opinions of top-tier sex therapists and doctors. Shortly put, you can’t keep things “vanilla” for multiple decades, expecting them to feel like that thrill you had on your first time.

But, feeling bored doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner anymore. It just means that you two need to start exploring and changing things up. This doesn’t have to be anything drastic, not at all actually. Something a new pair of underwear your partner has can be enough to give you that feeling of freshness and re-ignite the spark that can set the fire.

Not overdoing or forcing things in the bedroom

If you are being active in the bedroom just because you think that’s what couples need to do, and not because you feel like being active, things will surely get boring really soon. You shouldn’t force things, and you shouldn’t overdo them either. Whenever you two feel like doing something in the bedroom is the only time you should be doing something in the bedroom. Simple as that. No, there aren’t any rules you need to follow, and it certainly doesn’t mean that your marriage or relationship is about to end because you skipped a day this week. Don’t be silly.

Focusing on self-improvement which can drastically increase sexual energy

There’s nothing more attractive than seeing your partner working on improving in all fields of life. Whether this is physical exercise to sculpt their body in shape, or just trying to improve and become a happier person, it’s the most attractive thing in life. And, your partner thinks the same about you. So instead of just wondering what could be the reason for the lack of sexual energy, start self-improving, and you’ll realize that the problem is already gone.

Now of course, some people have medical conditions that prevent them from “performing” properly in the bedroom, but this is not the end of the story. There are a lot of things you can do to get back your self-confidence. The best thing is a lifestyle change but thanks to technology we have other helpful tools we can use for a boost. For more information you can click here.

Being healthier in all aspects of life, both physically and mentally

Going to the gym, or exercising at home, are both things that can drastically change your quality of life. How? Well, first of all you’ll feel better at all times thanks to the extra happiness hormones your body produces when you are physically active. Next, you’ll have a good-looking body which automatically raises your self-confidence while at the same time it increases the feelings your partner has for you. Being healthier allows you to have more stamina and to perform better in bed. If you want to be happier in your long-term relationship, physical exercise and healthy living are two things that you cannot and shouldn’t disregard.

Communicating with your partner about each and every thing

How do you know what a person likes if they don’t tell you? How can you know what your partner prefers to see or do in bed unless they tell you? Well, the same thing applies to you as well. Unless you are open and communicative about the things you like or dislike in the bedroom, your partner won’t know how to adapt and make those wishes come true. When it comes to sexual things, the picture is not as black and white. Different people have different desires. You can’t just assume that “all women like this” or “all men prefer this” and go with that mindset. Don’t guess, don’t attempt. Communicate. Nothing takes a relationship further than proper, open communication.

Mutual encouragement and accepting “flaws” and imperfections

Sometimes we feel bad about a certain imperfection and that’s perfectly normal. Although it’s silly and dumb, it’s normal. Nobody is born perfect and we all have slight imperfections that make us feel worried. Well, unless someone tells you that it’s perfectly normal to accept who you are, chances are that we’ll keep on living with the feeling of disappointment for a really long time, and this can greatly impact our self-confidence and our performance in the bedroom. Accepting your partner’s flaws and encouraging them to live how they were meant to live is very important. Don’t disregard it as it can be a complete game-changer.

Conclusion

Maintaining your sexual health in a long-term relationship is not the easiest thing unless you know how to do it. Thankfully, we created this guide to help you uncover the secrets of living happily with your partner for many years to come. We thank you for the time you took to read it, and we hope that we helped you learn a thing or two. Stay safe and protect your passion.

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How to Ask for What You Want Sexually

Doing so may improve your relationship.

By Samantha Vincenty

Developing good communication is important in relationships, and that’s just as true when it comes to sex—which is why knowing how to describe what you want in bed is such a valuable skill.

Piping up about a new turn-on, or wanting to try new positions, can increase the intimacy between the two of you—or even rekindle the spark when you and a longtime partner have plateaued in the bedroom. If you’ve just started seeing each other, the newness of your bond provides a great opportunity to start a dialogue early, so that you both feel free to verbalize what you want sexually on an ongoing basis.

“The place where I normally start with patients is helping them get curious about what’s stopped them from asking for what they want in bed in the past,” says Casey Tanner, LCPC, a therapist specializing in relationship and sex therapy and expert for LELO toys. “Folks often will come in with apprehension and anxiety around asking their partner for something. This is especially true for people who were socialized as women, taught that we can’t take up space in that way.”

Sometimes, a fear they’ll bruise their partner’s ego holds them back, Tanner says. “Others are afraid to be judged,” she continues. Often, they don’t know how to answer the question even when they’re asked, “because they don’t even know what they want. So it’s important for people to name their communication barrier.”

No matter what’s kept you from making a sexual request to your partner, you can definitely learn how to do it proudly.

To ask for what you want in bed, start by lowering the stakes.

“You don’t have to be a hundred percent sure you’re going to love something in order to ask for it,” Tanner says. “Some people think, ‘if I ask for it, I better like it!” But how do we know we like it if we haven’t tried it yet?” It’s okay if you want to stop midway through if you’re not into something new—even if it was your idea.

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Tanner suggests framing it by saying a version of this: “There’s something I’d love to try with you,” because “that leaves room for, ‘hey we’re trying this together. I’m not committing to wanting this as a part of my sex life forever, it’s just something I want to try.”

Know when to ask in the moment, and when to wait.

“For things such as small adjustments or changing a technique slightly, asking in the moment is totally appropriate,” says Tanner. Commands like “harder,” “slower” “faster,” “a little to the right,” for example.

When you’re introducing something brand-new, like experimenting with sex toys or anal sex, you definitely want to broach the idea before you’re in the heat of the moment, maybe during date night. “If it’s something that’s going to require a nuanced conversation about consent—kink or BSDM, for example—those are the requests that you want to bring up in a non-sexual context.”

If you’re afraid to hurt their feelings…

Be sure to start from a place of praise, says Taylor Sparks, sex educator and founder of pleasure site OrganicLoven. During one of those outside-the-bedroom conversations, she says, “what I like to do with my partners is to say something like, ‘You know what I really like? When you do this, this, and this. And you know what I’d like even more?'”

Describe what you want as specifically as you can, Sparks says (she uses the example of asking your partner to move their tongue up and down during oral sex, as opposed to side to side). “Once you’re in bed and they’re doing what they normally do, you’ve already planted the seed about what you want,” she says. So when they’re down there, you can say, “this is a great time for the up-and-down!”

Avoid words like “always” and “never.”

“Sometimes when we’re looking to get what we want, we confuse it with what we don’t want, and the approach to our partner can be, ‘You’re not doing it right!'” Sparks says. In the spirit of asking with appreciative enthusiasm, playful suggestions are hot. Sharp criticism is not. Tanner recommends making it a point to stay away from phrases like “you always do this,” or “you never do this.”

If you’re nervous, say so.

If you’re anxious about asking, you don’t have to pretend that you’re not. “You might say, ‘I’m new to sharing what I want during sex, so this is a little anxiety-provoking for me’,” Tanner suggests. “By just sharing that feeling with their partner, they’re also letting their partner know, ‘this is vulnerable for me, and I need you to hear this.’”

Share your “why.”

Do you know why you want to try it? “The answer doesn’t have to be complex—it could just be it sounds hot, or you’re curious, or you love doing it when you masturbate,” says Tanner. “Often, our go-to when someone gives us feedback is to think we’ve been doing something wrong. Sharing that ‘why’ helps your partner know this isn’t criticism.”

Show them with your hand.

If there’s a very specific way you’d like your partner to switch up their style during oral sex, and the words to describe it are failing you, try a nonverbal approach. Taking their hand, use your tongue on the sensitive skin between their thumb and index finger, showing them the type of speed, pressure, and technique you need to take you over the edge.

If they ask what you like in bed, and you don’t know how to answer…

You might have some self exploration to do, perhaps with the help of a good vibrator (fun!). But if it’s because you’re drawing a blank in the face of an open-ended question, Sparks suggests turning the q back to your partner. “Ask them, ‘what do you like to do with a partner in bed?’ And that gives you a moment to think about it.”

As they voice what they like, you can chime in when something excites you, too. “Now you’re kind of making your list off of theirs,” Sparks continues. When they name something that doesn’t intrigue you, try a “hmm.” “That doesn’t mean you agree or disagree. It just means you’ve heard them, and you acknowledge it.”

Return the favor.

After you’ve shared, Tanner recommends that you show curiosity in your partner’s pleasure by asking if there’s anything they would like to try (if you haven’t learned it already from your ‘what do you like in bed?’ conversation).

Don’t take a “no” personally.

The potential sting of rejection can loom large. “I think there’s so much shame around this conversation,” Tanner says. “It’s so easy to jump to, ‘I’m bad, this request is bad, what I want is wrong.’ But all it really means is that it’s not something this person wants as part of their sex life—it has nothing to do with who you are.”

And when we do get a no, “we have to ask how important it is to us,” Tanner adds. “Is this a need, or a want?”

Consider when it’s time to consult a therapist.

If you’ve tried everything, and your partner has yet to incorporate your feedback, “at that stage, it’s become a communication issue,” Tanner says. It could be a misunderstanding, or there could be something blocking your partner’s willingness to follow through. “You might say something like, ‘we’ve had this conversation a couple times, and it seems like maybe there’s a disconnect. Can you share what’s maybe holding you back?'”

If you’ve asked them to stop doing something and they won’t, Tanner says, that’s a consent issue. Alternately, “if you’ve asked for something new, it may be a discrepancy in the kind of sex that each of you desire,” she adds. In either event, it may be time to consider visiting a couple’s therapist or sex therapist to facilitate those conversations.

Ultimately, you and your partner share a goal: Enjoying your sexual experience with each other. “It’s not about a problem,” Tanner says. “It’s about potential.”

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Yes, Sexual Self-Esteem Is A Thing

— How To Boost It

By Kristie Overstreet, Ph.D.

While many people can recognize when they’re struggling with their confidence, people often neglect to consider their feelings around their sexual self.

As humans, we are sexual beings, regardless of how we feel about sex or sexuality. You are a whole person made up of many parts, and your sexual self is an important piece of who you are.

It’s important to integrate your sexual self into your whole self. Yet many people struggle with connecting with this area of themselves because of their low sexual self-esteem.

What is sexual self-esteem?

Your sexual self-esteem refers to:

  • feelings about your body
  • your confidence in your sexual self
  • your feelings of worth and what you contribute or do not contribute during sex
  • how you intimately connect with yourself and others
  • your view of your sexuality

Your sexual self-esteem starts with how you feel about yourself. It’s affected by past and current experiences, and it is an essential part of you as a whole person.

Regardless of how you feel about sex, your sexual self-esteem matters. It’s just as important as your overall self-esteem. Your overall confidence affects every area of your life, and your sexual self-esteem does the same.

Sexual self-esteem can make you feel more connected or disconnected in your relationships. When you lack sexual self-esteem, it affects how you view yourself and how connected you feel to the intimate aspects of your relationship. Not only can it cause problems with sexual disconnection, but it can also negatively affect the emotional connection in a relationship as well.

What affects sexual self-esteem?

Several factors affect how you view your sexual self. Some are within your control, and others aren’t—they’re due to experiences that happen to you.

For example, messages you heard about sex growing up can affect your sexual self-talk. Depending on the environment you grew up in, your family’s view on sex, or other factors, you may have heard some of the following things about sex:

  • Sex is dirty.
  • Sex is private and never to be spoken about.
  • Sex is only between a man and a woman.
  • Don’t have sex before marriage.
  • If you have sex, you’ll get a bad reputation.

Those negative messages can turn into your own internal message. Maybe they’ve become your self-talk about your sexuality or sexual self. Take those plus any things you’ve been told about your performance or actions with sex at any point in your life, and you can end up with plenty of negative things in your inner narrative.

For example, your current or past partner may have told you:

  • That none of their past partners had any complaints about sex with them, so something must be wrong with you
  • That something must be wrong with you because you don’t like or don’t enjoy sex
  • That you’re broken because you never have an orgasm
  • That you want too much from them
  • That your expectations are too high or unrealistic
  • That you want sex too much and they don’t, so something must be wrong with you

Experiences with your current or past partners stick with you, especially the negative ones. These negative narratives become your inner narrative. Your inner critic loves these experiences because it can turn up the volume and remind you of all the things “wrong” with your sexual self.

Even though the person may not be around, their negativity is—because it has turned into your self-talk. Your self-worth or how you value your sexual self plummets to a low, making you feel worse than you did before.

How to improve your sexual self-esteem.

When your sexual self-esteem is not in a good place, how in the heck can you expect to have a pleasurable and fulfilling sexual experience with someone when you feel bad about yourself?

Your sexual self-esteem deserves a boost. If you are focused on personal growth and want to see improvements in your relationships, there’s no time like the present to focus on nurturing your sexual self.

Here are three steps to get started:

1. Scale your sexual self-esteem.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 very low and 10 very high, rank how you view your sexual self at this time. Write down the number you picked and label it as current.

Then think about how you want to feel about your sexual self in the future. Write down the number you want to represent your sexual self-esteem and label it as the future.

2. Reframe your negative self-talk.

Make a list of your thoughts, beliefs, and things you say to yourself about your sexual self—even if some of these came from others, and you’ve since adopted them into your own narrative. Try to identify at least five.

Next, rewrite each of these to be more realistic and forgiving of yourself. For example, if you wrote, “I’m not comfortable with my body during sex,” reframe it with “I want to learn to feel more comfortable in my body during sex.” Go through each item and reframe it, which will help you begin to improve how you see your sexual self.

(Here are some positive self-talk mantras for more inspo.)

3. Identify barriers to your sexual self-esteem.

On a sheet of paper, brainstorm all of the possible thoughts, things, people, experiences, narratives, or anything that keeps you from feeling confident about your sexual self. For example, a past partner may have told you that you’re not good at sex, and you can’t stop this from going through your head.

This self-talk causes you not to feel good about your sexual self. Write out any barrier you can think of. After you’ve listed them out, write one small action you can take to overcome each barrier.

There are many things you can do today to improve your view of your sexual self. Once you know about your sexual self, what affects it, and how you can improve it, you’re ready to take action. You deserve to feel confident, and working on your sexual self is a big step in the right direction.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to Get Back in Touch With Your Sexual Side If You Miss It

If you haven’t felt sexy since 2019—same.

By Patia Braithwaite

It might seem strange to read a story about how to feel sexier right now. It can seem unimportant considering the pressing concerns we’re all facing. Maybe you’re worried about your health, maybe you’re concerned about clear threats to democracy, or maybe you’re overwhelmed by childcare, work, and other pandemic-related stress. If how to feel sexier is the last thing you’re worried about, it’s understandable.

“We have to normalize that if you haven’t been ‘feeling it’ over the last few months, you’re normal,” AASECT-certified sex therapist Stephanie Buehler, Psy.D., author of What Every Mental Health Professional Needs to Know About Sex, tells SELF.

In fact, when facing stressful or traumatic situations, it’s natural to “go back and forth between feeling disconnected as a coping strategy,” psychologist Liz Powell, Ph.D., author of Building Open Relationships, tells SELF. “It can be hard to reconnect with our body because our brain is trying to keep us from feeling fear, dread, and horror.”

So no one blames you if sexiness isn’t top of mind right now (or ever—that’s perfectly valid too). But if it’s a core part of yourself that you’ve been missing or craving, tapping into that feeling can come with benefits. Yes, feeling sexier is helpful if you’d like to have sex or just be more in touch with that part of yourself, but if you’ve spent the last few months as a disembodied ball of anxiety, finding ways to embrace sensuality and sexiness might also remind you of a time before the pandemic. You could end up feeling a little more secure in your own body. It could serve as an excellent distraction from the stresses of life, and if you’re exploring sex with a partner, it could also help you feel closer to each other as a big bonus. Below, you’ll find a few tips from sex therapists to help you feel a bit sexier—if you want—right now.

1. Gauge your baseline sexual energy pre-pandemic.

Before you stress about whether or not you’ve lost your “spark,” try to remember what your sex drive and sensuality were like before, er, all of this. Often we talk about these feelings as if strong sexual desire is a default way of experiencing the world (it’s not). But before you fret too much about even your pre-pandemic sex drive not being “high enough,” try to remember that sexiness and sexuality are multifaceted, and ask yourself what you think might have contributed to feeling less sexual than you would like in the past. Maybe you’ll realize some of those factors have actually changed for the better, like if your sex drive felt “too low” before the pandemic because you were dealing with health issues or relationship challenges that aren’t a problem anymore. If your drive was sort of faint or nonexistent before, be gentle with yourself as you explore. For instance, you might read some books to help you embrace your sexuality, you might consider getting a new sex toy, or if you’re in a relationship, you could try talking to your partner about what you’re feeling. Understanding what feels “normal” for you can help you set reasonable expectations for what “feeling sexy” may look like for you in 2021 and beyond.

2. Carve out time to prioritize pleasure—and remember that it’s important for resilience.

It can be easy, with all of the obligations you’re facing, to talk yourself out of any sexual desires that might be cropping up. In fact, given the Capitol riot, ongoing pandemic, police brutality, and more, it can feel downright silly or even selfish. But it’s not. “You cannot get through the long-term effort that change requires without having times you make for pleasure and enjoyment,” Dr. Powell explains, adding that you should schedule “protected time for self-pleasure” and make it as important as work and social obligations.

3. Recognize that your body has probably changed.

Just as it’s important not to romanticize who you were before the pandemic, remember to acknowledge that a lot has changed over the last few months—and that this impacts your mind and your body. “We are not in the world we were in a year ago,” Dr. Powell says. “That means that the way your body experiences pleasure and the way that your body functions may be different right now.” If, for instance, you’ve found yourself glued to your social media feeds and news (so, most of us), it could be having an impact on your mind and body. Experiencing chronic stress—which involves fight or flight hormones like cortisol and adrenaline—can have a major impact on your libido. So if your tried-and-true ways of tuning into that side of yourself are less effective, Dr. Powell suggests you ask yourself what you need, like, “Do I have to turn off the news and get off Twitter so that my brain can calm down?” It might not directly result in you feeling sexier, but it could help minimize stress so that you can reconnect to your body.

4. Then, adopt an experimental attitude.

To do this, you can revisit things you’ve ruled out or just never considered, and let your curiosity inspire new ideas. Dr. Powell suggests asking yourself questions like, “Does it help me to watch something really steamy? Does it help me to read some erotica? Does it help me to watch some porn or take a long bubble bath?” Trying new things and creating full-blown rituals—like turning off your phone notifications, lighting a candle, and watching a really sexy movie on Netflix—might help you feel a little sexier. You can absolutely experiment on your own, but if you have a partner who is ready and willing to help you get more in touch with your sexual side, you can include them in your experimentation. If necessary, work on moving away from the idea of sex only being one particular act, Dr. Buehler says, adding that you and your partner can find ways to be sensual and affection without feeling pressure to have “full-on” sex.

5. Consider playing around with your decor.

Stay with us here! It might be hard to find ways to feel sensual when you’re spending a lot of time in your house, Dr. Buehler says. “I think that’s part of our sexuality—getting out in the world, having adventures.” Clearly, the pandemic has pressed pause on many people’s ability to safely embark upon various kinds of adventures. But you might be able to bring items into your house that excite your senses a little. If reaching for a scented candle feels like advice you’ve heard before, consider a pillow spray, new perfume, or a fragrant floral arrangement. Dr. Buehler also suggests looking at your environment and making changes like rearranging furniture (maybe that means putting your bed closer to the window so you can feel the sun even if you’re stuck inside, or removing your TV from your bedroom). You might also upgrade your bedding to a softer fabric that feels great on your skin, or you could bring in a plant—somewhere that you see it often—to spruce up your environment.

6. Wear your sexiest pre-pandemic outfit (yup, just to lounge at home).

Much the way tweaking your decor might encourage you to feel a bit sexier, dressing up can help. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to walk around in lingerie (unless you want to). Instead, you might slip on that really cute dress that makes you feel like Rihanna, even if you’re just wearing it at home. It’s not about dressing for a specific occasion. It’s about wearing something that makes you feel good. “I think it’s a good idea to look in your closet and pull something out that you feel good in, even if you feel a little silly,” Dr. Buehler says. If your go-to outfit doesn’t work that same magic—maybe it doesn’t fit like it used to or simply doesn’t make you feel hot—it might be a good time to treat yourself to a new outfit if you have the money.

7. Try yoga or other forms of exercise.

If you’re not feeling particularly sexy at the moment, Dr. Buehler suggests physical practices, like yoga or deep breathing. “It doesn’t have to be a Vinyasa yoga routine, but just doing some breathing exercises, slow movements, or connecting with your body and reminding yourself that you can feel at home in the body can help,” Dr. Buehler says. Additionally, moderate exercise, like jogging or your favorite cardio workout, might help in a lot of ways, including boosting your mood and maybe encouraging your libido, the Mayo Clinic says.

8. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone about your sex life.

To be fair, not feeling as in touch with your sexual side as you like may not top your list of mental health concerns. But that doesn’t mean you have to ignore it if it’s bothering you. If you feel like losing your sexual identity or having a low sex drive is part of a larger issue, or you’re experiencing this along with feelings like grief, sadness, rage, or despair, you might need some support from a health professional. Even if you think that not feeling sexy is NBD, given all of the “other things” to fret over, you might find that talking through your concerns with your primary care provider or a mental health professional has an impact on how you feel overall. And you can work directly with a sex therapist to explore some of your feelings, if possible. “Don’t feel any trepidation or shame,” Dr. Buehler says. “Sometimes just a few sessions can be really helpful.”

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