Tag: Relationship Advice

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A Beginner’s Guide To Shibari

— The Beautiful Japanese Form Of Rope Bondage

By Stephanie Barnes

Ever fantasized about being tied up or tying your partner up in the bedroom? Over the years, BDSM—which covers bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism—has become increasingly popular. One popular form of bondage is shibari, also known as Japanese rope bondage.

What is shibari?

Shibari, which translates to “to tie,” is a type of kink or BDSM play that involves tying people with rope. Also called Japanese rope bondage, shibari is rooted in the adult entertainment and image-making industry of the early 20th century through to today, says Midori, sexologist and author of Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage.

“Shibari originated as an underground form of culturally specific erotic fantasy play, enjoyed by ordinary people, which centers on erotic nostalgia of bygone eras,” Midori explains to mbg. “In the same way that kinky people of European heritage have incorporated legends and tools of medieval European incarceration, such as Saint Andrew’s Cross and shackles, into their sexual shadow play, so have Japanese folks found carnal inspiration from historical fables of their captured maidens and incarcerated heroes.”

Over the past decade or so, shibari has also become very popular outside of Japan. Today it’s enjoyed by consenting adults in private, in addition to being a staple in stage performances in kink-themed bars and in porn, she says.

Common misperceptions.

As shibari has gained popularity outside of Japan, there’s also been a rise in inaccurate narratives being shared around shibari and its history, says Midori.

“[These narratives are often] very romantic and alluring, and often gorgeously storied, where shibari is a noble and complex art form, passed down from the samurai, taught today from master to acolyte. Others claim that shibari is a respected art form and spiritual practice in Japan. These narratives, however, are unfortunately deeply problematic as they are another form of ‘othering,’ Orientalism, and out-of-context cultural appropriation,” she says.

Other misperceptions include the following:

Shibari is a spiritual act.

Despite popular belief, shibari isn’t a spiritual practice in Japan. Midori says it’s normal for some shibari lovers everywhere to “find moments of emotional catharsis” and “make it their own form of spiritual exploration,” but these things aren’t exclusive to shibari.

“It’s been so for people who enjoy other forms of kink, such as leather bondage, flogging, ordeal play, and dominance and submission, just to name a few,” she explains. “Japanese Rope can be a naughty bit of sexual play or stillness of self in a chaotic world, and everything in between.”

Shibari must be complex and difficult.

While it can be complicated, it really doesn’t have to be. Midori says because the more fancy-looking and physically challenging photos posted online get so much attention, it’s easy to assume that’s the norm. It’s not. 

“You don’t have to study and master complex forms that might not even be healthy for you or your partner’s body. A few basic ties, such as one or two-column ties and maybe a simple body harness, is fine, good, and hot kink fun for most people. When it comes down to it, it’s about tying each other for shared fun and sensual delight. It shouldn’t be intimidating or irritating,” she says.

Shibari is all about sexual pleasure.

From the outside looking in, shibari may seem like it’s solely focused on sexual pleasure, but that’s not always the case. According to certified sex educator Dainis Graveris, different people have different motivations for engaging in this type of rope bondage. People often do feel aroused by the body awareness that they experience during and after shibari, he notes, but not every experience needs to include sexual stimulation. “However, you’ll still experience something intimate and feel closer to the other person because of the trust involved in the experience.”

Shibari is violent.

Graveris says pain can be an element of shibari, but it shouldn’t feel like torture, nor should it be unpleasant. “It’s meant to be enjoyed, not something that you suffer through,” he says. “Trust is another vital element during shibari play between you and your partner.”

To make sure you remain in control of the situation and that you won’t be in so much pain that the experience becomes unpleasant, make sure that you clarify your boundaries from the get-go. You can also come up with safe words and discuss nonverbal cues, like what it might look like if you’re doing OK or if you’re distressed.

Shibari is just like other forms of bondage.

Japanese rope bondage and other forms of bondage are different types of rope play. Besides the different rope materials being used in each, the motives and aesthetics are also very different, says Graveris.

“Western rope bondage entails more of a functional role or tying someone up for the purpose of restraining. On the other hand, shibari cares more about the aesthetics of tying someone up,” he explains. “The former uses tying as a foreplay practice where couples get to have sex right after. Meanwhile, each tie means something in shibari. One can say that the experience from shibari comes from the process of being tied or tying—what happens during play and not what comes after, i.e., sex.”

Benefits of shibari:

1. It promotes intimacy.

“The delicious secret about rope bondage and shibari fun that most people don’t talk about is that it requires close contact, lots of good skin sensation from light to deep, and ongoing sexy communication,” Midori says.

2. It’s easily and infinitely adaptive.

Like most things in life, there is no one-size-fits-all approach when it comes to shibari. The experience will be what you make it, and luckily, there are countless ways to tweak it to fit you and yours.

“It’s infinitely adaptive as you can adjust and change it to suit all body types, physical conditions, and experience levels. You don’t need to be flexible to enjoy shibari—you just need to be clear about what works and doesn’t work for your body that day,” Midori says.

3. It can be empowering.

“Negotiation, or the pre-play conversation required in shibari and other BDSM play, can empower everyone to set and respect good boundaries, develop excellent consent-making skills, engage in collaborative joy creation,” Midori says. “This, in turn, gives each of us more confidence, and a path toward greater authenticity in self-expression.”

4. It can give you a healthy rush of endorphins.

According to Graveris, when you decide to submit to the experience, your body will reward you with feel-good hormones like endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine. Once you’ve gotten the hang of the techniques, you can push your body’s limits until it rewards you with those benefits.

How to get started.

Even though there is plenty of information online, finding quality, reputable sources for information on shibari and related rope play can be quite challenging. If this is something you are truly interested in exploring, then consider connecting with your local BDSM community.

“Go to a class. Better yet, go to a lot of classes!” says Angie Rowntree, founder and director of ethical porn site SSSH. “Learning shibari and any kind of rope bondage takes commitment, time, and practice. Give yourself the opportunity to learn about it in person. There are also regional and national events that have a rope bondage component where you can go for a day, weekend, and sometimes longer to learn, practice and socialize with others that have similar interests to you.”

Sex educator Madeleine Ross adds that it’s vital to have an open discussion with your partner before trying shibari. “Be clear about what you expect from the experience and create a safe word that you can use with your partner if things get out of hand and either one of you wants to stop or pause,” she says. “If you don’t know your partner well in bed, it’s best to ask a few basic questions like what signals they normally give when they’re feeling good, how to tell if they’re having a good time, signs to look out for if they’re in pain or don’t feel comfortable, and others.”

Start with a few ties best suited to beginners, like the single- and double-column ties. Graveris recommends finding a comfortable and spacious place that you and your partner are familiar with.

“Do not jump straight into shibari suspension,” he adds. “Practice with floor ties to ensure that you apply the right methods and techniques before you’re up in the air.”

Tips & techniques to try:

1. Plan your aftercare.

“Preplan each of your aftercare needs. After shibari fun, whether the playtime went fantastic or not, people often need their own time to transition. Give plenty of time for aftercare. This period of the afterglow is necessary for converting a good time into a fantastic memory,” Midori says.

2. Start with a cotton rope.

Midori recommends starting with ropes made from cotton, which are “easy on the skin, hold knots well, easy to wash after messy sexy fun, budget-friendly, and are not likely to cause allergic reactions. Shibari does not require you to have exotic or expensive ropes made of hemp, jute, or other fibers. Many people are allergic to these as well.”

3. Start short, too.

Start with shorter ropes, as they’re easier to handle. Super long ropes can get tangled up, be hard to handle, and just increase frustration for the person tying and boredom for the person waiting to be tied, Midori says.

4. Always have safety scissors on hand.

Always have a set of safety scissors nearby when playing. Sometimes knots simply get too tight or the person needs to get out fast.

5. Use sex positions for inspo.

Midori recommends starting with your most favorite sex position, then use the ropes to tie your partner into that shape. (Here’s some sex position inspo, if you need it.)

6. Go for this classic technique.

Tie the right wrist to the right thigh and the left wrist to the left thigh. If the partner is a bit more flexible, try wrists to ankles.

Additional resources to consider.

The bottom line.

Exploring shibari is an excellent way to bring you and your partner closer. It’s also a great way of better understanding your own body, which could ultimately leave you feeling empowered. However, it’s super important to do your research before diving in. 

Additionally, do not try to imitate the positions or poses you’ve seen in professionally shot adult films or on the social media accounts of popular shibari lovers without the appropriate training and safety precautions. And of course: Always keep your play safe and fully consensual.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Eight contraceptive designs that revolutionise sexual health

By

Last week Dezeen reported on the invention of Wondaleaf, an adhesive prophylactic which its creator claims is the world’s first unisex condom. Here, we round up eight other contraceptive designs with the potential to challenge ideas about sexual health.

Australian scientists create ultra-thin condom from grass fibres

Grass fibre condom by the University of Queensland

Researchers at the University of Queensland discovered a way of extracting nano-fibres from the Australian native spinifex grass to use for condoms that are thinner and stronger than standard latex.

They were assisted by the indigenous Queensland community of Indjalandji-Dhidhanu, which has long used spinifex as an adhesive for spearheads.

Find out more about the grass fibre condom ›

Smart condom

i.Con by British Condoms

Described as a fitness tracker for the penis, the i.Con is a smart condom ring manufactured by British Condoms.

The wearable tech device measures penis girth, thrust counts and duration of intercourse as well as detecting signs of sexually transmitted infections – and users are even able to share their data publicly online, if they wish.

Find out more about i.Con ›

Coso device by Rebecca Weiss

Coso by Rebecca Weiss

After she was diagnosed with a cervical cancer precursor that meant she is unable to take the female birth control pill, German design graduate Rebecca Weiss developed Coso – a male contraceptive device that uses ultrasound waves to halt sperm regeneration temporarily.

Users of the James Dyson Award-winning gadget fill it up with water, turn it on and dip in their testicles. Contraceptive effectiveness starts two weeks after the first application and the effect is reversible, with fertility expected to return no later than six months after the last application.

Find out more about Coso ›

Hex condom by Lelo

Hex by Lelo

Swedish sex toy company Lelo developed a condom with hexagon-shaped cells intended to have better structural integrity and extra grip compared to a regular condom, despite still being made from latex.

“There’s a reason why honeycombs are the shaped they are, and why snake scales move the way they do,” said Filip Sedic, founder of Lelo. “They’re nature’s go-to shape for anything needing to be at once lightweight, and incredibly strong.”

Find out more about Hex ›

Condom based on fruit

Love Guide by Guan-Hao Pan

Created by Taiwanese designer Guan-Hao Pan, these condom packages are modelled on phallic fruit and veg denoting their girth.

The idea is that users can hold the cylindrical tubes and determine the correct size for them – whether that be courgette, turnip, banana, carrot or cucumber.

Find out more about Love Guide ›

Colourful condoms

S.T.Eye by Daanyaal Ali, Muaz Nawaz and Chirag Shah

UK schoolchildren Daanyaal Ali, Muaz Nawaz and Chirag Shah won a prize at the 2015 TeenTech Awards for their S.T.EYE concept, which saw them design condoms that change colour when a sexually transmitted disease is detected.

The proposed condom design would be embedded with chemical indicators that would react to the bacteria that cause infections such as chlamydia and syphilis, changing colour to warn of the risk.

Find out more about S.T.Eye ›

Bearina by Ronen Kadushin

Bearina by Ronen Kadushin

Bearina is a concept for a contraceptive intrauterine contraceptive device (IUD) that works using a one-cent coin.

In normal copper IUDs like the coil, metal ions dissolving from the device act as spermicide, so the Bearina provides a holder for a coin with a nylon thread.

It’s the brainchild of Ronen Kadushin, who open-sourced the design so anyone can download the production files and theoretically manufacture an IUD at the fraction of the price of a conventional model.

Find out more about Bearina ›

Condom wrapper

One-Handed Condom Wrapper by Ben Pawle

British designer Ben Pawle created a condom wrapper for people with disabilities that can be opened with a simple finger-clicking action to break both the outer layer of foil and the thin plastic lining inside.

“I guess it’s just common sense – why is a condom an obstacle and hinderance instead of enhancing a moment?” Pawle said.

Find out more about the One Handed Condom Wrapper ›

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Understanding orgasms

— a simple guide to how they work

An orgasm from penetration alone may feel out of reach. But there are ways to do it.

Let’s just take a reality check quickly, not everyone with a vagina can orgasm with penetration alone. In fact, less than 30 per cent of vagina owners can reach climax through this method. Yet there are some ways you can lend yourself a helping hand to see if it is something you can achieve.

1. Understand vagina anatomy‍

First, make sure you understand vaginal anatomy and the parts that are most likely to lead to pleasure (and maybe orgasm) when stimulated. For most people the entrance and first third of the vagina are the most sensitive areas.

This may include the G-spot area, which is on the front wall of the vagina. The internal structure of the clitoris has a lot to do with why these parts can bring a lot of pleasure, so make sure you understand the full size and shape of the clit so you know what you’re working with.

Other areas that are sexually sensitive for some people are the cervix, “A-spot”, and perineal​ sponge.

So get familiar with all these sexy bits by checking out some good anatomy diagrams. It’s much easier to reach your destination if you have a good map.

2. Find your own sensitive areas and focus there‍

Understanding anatomy is just the starting point. The important thing is to apply it to your own body.

Experiment with stimulating different areas and see what brings pleasure. Do you enjoy deep penetration?

Do you prefer G-spot stimulation? Or pressure against the back wall around your perineum? Or somewhere else entirely? Whatever feels best for you and brings the most intensity of sensation is where you should focus.

3. Take your time to get aroused

The vagina can take longer to warm up than the clit, and getting that blood flow to the genital tissues is really important for your arousal, sensation, and chances of reaching the big O.

So spend some time on kissing, nipple play, dirty talk, and oral sex before moving to penetration to make sure your body is ready.

4. Start by trying blended orgasms

You may be working up to a hands-free orgasm during intercourse, but combining vaginal stimulation with clit stimulation is a good stepping stone.

Just do penetration for a while, and then add in clit stimulation when you feel you need it to reach orgasm.

Over time, delay adding in clit stimulation and see if eventually you can climax without it. Maybe yes, maybe no, but it’s worth a try.

5. Find the best position(s) for you

Cowgirl: Riding on top is the most successful position for achieving a hands-free orgasm during intercourse. Not only can you direct the penetration to hit your sweet spots, but you can also grind your clit on your partner’s body to maximise the sensation from all angles.‍

Knees-back missionary: Lie on your back and pull your knees up so your feet are raised off the bed. You may want to prop up your butt with a pillow for support. This is an effective G-spot position since it’s much easier to access that front wall of the vagina than it is during regular missionary. During penetration, angle the penis or toy to press that G-spot area if you know you like G-spot sensation.‍

Doggy: If you enjoy deep penetration, then doggy is a great option. You can also be more in control of the speed and depth, which can help you get the stimulation you want. Another good thing about doggy is it’s so easy to use a finger or toy on your clit, to help push you over the edge. ‍

Legs together: Some people find it easier to reach orgasm when their legs are close together rather than spread apart. Try having your legs together – you could be on your front, back, side, standing, it’s your choice! Have your partner straddle you while they’re penetrating you. Clench or pulse your pelvic and thigh muscles in this position to boost the intensity of sensations and help you reach the big O.

6. Slow and steady wins the race‍

A common error when trying to reach orgasm is thinking that hard-and-fast is best. While it may be preferred by some people, for many, too much pressure and friction for too long can numb the nerve-endings, and can feel uncomfortable.

So, although it’s counterintuitive, slow movements with a lighter pressure can actually feel way more intense. Yes, hard-and-fast is often preferred as a person gets closer to orgasm, but in the build up try to keep movements on the slow and steady side.

7. Try edging‍

Switching between slower and faster is also a great way to build up arousal and increase your chances of orgasm.

You may want to indulge in a bit of hot-and-heavy bed-bouncing activity, and then dial it back to slow and focussed thrusts for a couple of minutes.

Switching intensity during sex, aka “edging” is a popular technique to help with reaching and intensifying climax.

8. Breath, focus, and relax‍

Getting relaxed and feeling present in your body can help you focus on your vaginal sensations and really enjoy the pleasure.

Find ways to reduce your mental distraction such as choosing a relaxing time and place to have sex, starting with a massage or bath, and making sure there are no lingering disagreements you need to resolve with your partner as resentment is like a cold shower to your libido.

During sex, breathing slowly and deeply and focussing on your genital area can help you hone in on those sensations. You can think of it as “breathing into your p….” to bring relaxation and blood flow to the area.

9. Pay attention to your environment‍

Being in the right environment is really important to help you feel comfortable, relaxed, and in a good mental space.

That means: getting the lighting right for you, making sure the bed (or wherever you are) is comfy, and checking the temperature – are you warm enough? Focus on your pleasure without getting distracted.

10. Practise by yourself‍

Why not dedicate some time to practising solo? Using a dildo, try masturbating with penetration only. See what speed, angle, and depth feels good.

Pay attention to how your arousal builds, and to how the intensity of the sensation increases. As you get more practice, you might find you’re able to bring yourself closer to orgasm (and you might even get there). Once you’ve worked out how to get this type of pleasure from solo play, you’ll have more idea of the techniques to try with a partner.

11. Pelvic floor strength‍

Having a well-toned pelvic floor is important. It will allow you to grip more tightly on your partner’s penis or the dildo, and this can intensify the sensations you feel in your vagina.

Also, since an orgasm is basically a series of muscle contractions, having a toned pelvic floor is important so that these muscle contractions can happen. Kegel exercises can help improve your pelvic floor strength, just make sure you do them correctly, and be sure to evaluate first if they are right for you, as they’re not appropriate for everyone.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Partnered sex of all kinds declines in United States, IU study finds

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Sexual frequency is declining in the United States, according to a study by Indiana University researchers.

“Our study adds to a growing body of research that has reported on declines in sex,” said Tsung-chieh “Jane” Fu, a research associate at the IU School of Public Health-Bloomington who co-led the study. “The declines in partnered sexual activity seen in our study are consistent with findings from studies in the U.K., Australia, Germany and Japan.”

Debby Herbenick, a professor of sexual and reproductive health at the School of Public Health who also co-led the study, said the decreases are likely caused by several factors.

“The decreases are not easily explained by a single shift, such as health status, technology, access to pornography or stress,” Herbenick said. “There are likely multiple reasons for these changes in sexual expression, and we need more research to understand how these changes may be related to changes in relationships, happiness and overall well-being.”

The study of sexual frequency is particularly important in light of the COVID-19 pandemic’s impacts on relationships, Herbenick said. Declining sexual activity among adults has consequences for human fertility and health — consequences that have been exacerbated by pandemic-era restrictions.

Published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, the study is the first to include such a comprehensive assessment of diverse sexual behaviors. The information came from U.S. participants ages 14 to 49 during the 2009 and 2018 waves of the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, a confidential nationally representative survey conducted online. A total of 1,647 adolescents ages 14 to 17 and 7,055 adults ages 18 to 49 were included.

“The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior includes detailed data on a variety of sexual behaviors, so we could examine more precisely whether declines in vaginal intercourse might be explained by increases in other sexual behaviors, such as oral sex,” Herbenick said. “However, we found that was not the case. Rather, we found that from 2009 to 2018, fewer adults engaged in a range of partnered sexual activities. We were also surprised to find that, among adolescents, both partnered sex and solo masturbation had declined.”

Compared to adult participants in the 2009 survey, adults in the 2018 group were significantly more likely to report no penile-vaginal intercourse in the prior year, the researchers found. Study participants were also significantly less likely to report engaging in any other sexual behaviors examined in the study, such as oral sex or anal sex. All modes of past-year partnered sex were reported by fewer people in the 2018 cohort.

“More studies are needed to understand if this decline is associated with the emergence of other types of sexual activities in recent years, such as the adverse impact of what some people call aggressive or rough sex,” Fu said.

The study’s findings regarding sexual frequency declines among adolescents are particularly notable, according to Herbenick. The proportion of adolescents reporting neither solo masturbation nor partnered sexual behavior increased from 28% of young men and 49% of young women in 2009 to 43% of young men and 74% of young women in 2018.

“Many studies haven’t included those under age 16 or 18, so our study expands what we know about younger adolescent behavior and how we think about adolescent sexual development,” Herbenick said.

The researchers noted that a number of cultural and social changes may be affecting young people’s sexual behavior, including widespread internet access, decreased alcohol use, increased conversations around sexual consent, and more contemporary young people identifying with non-heterosexual identities, including asexual identities.

While the current findings will help inform the work of sexual health researchers, clinicians and educators, Herbenick said she hopes the study also will open up new investigations into areas such as people’s feelings about their sexual lives and how those feelings may shape subsequent choices about sex.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I Have Schizophrenia.

This is How It Affects My Sex Life

“I try to judge if sex will be grounding based on if it feels good and right when we’re cuddling or starting to kiss.”

by Mark Hay

Schizophrenia, a neuro-mental condition that affects less than one percent of all people, is well-known, yet poorly understood. Contrary to typical pop culture portrayals, it does not create a split personality, or make people violent and dangerous. When it starts to manifest, typically in adolescence or early adulthood, the condition’s effects can be so subtle that both medical experts and the people experiencing them often miss them, or misread them as signs of anxiety or depression.

As it develops, schizophrenia usually causes constant or intermittent hallucinations, disorganized speech and thought, and distorted perceptions of the world, including other people’s actions and motives. People with schizophrenia may struggle to differentiate delusions from reality. Many also find it hard to feel pleasure, express or manage their emotions, or connect with others. 

The exact nature and intensity of schizophrenia symptoms and the frequency at which people experience them vary considerably from case to case. So does the extent to which the right combination of medication, therapy, and everyday support for a person’s specific needs can mitigate them. But across cases, schizophrenia usually has a major impact on people’s everyday lives—including their sex lives.

People with schizophrenia are as interested in sex and relationships as anyone. But they often have trouble finding intimacy, sometimes because their symptoms make it hard to manage dating or hookups, and sometimes because of the social stigmas surrounding the condition. Those who do find partners often report that their symptoms can make it hard to think about sex or feel sexy, to concentrate during sex, or to communicate their sexual needs and wants. Some of the medications used to manage symptoms can also lead to issues with libido, sexual sensation, and orgasm.

Conversely, some people with schizophrenia experience episodes of hypersexuality, which may lead them to take risks they otherwise wouldn’t. This, alongside the general vulnerabilities associated with symptomatic schizophrenia, may help to explain why people with the condition seem to experience more STIs and unwanted pregnancies, among other issues.

Unfortunately, it can be difficult for folks living with schizophrenia to find support in figuring out how to navigate sex and intimacy. Researchers didn’t pay much attention to the topic until fairly recently, and many clinicians don’t think to bring it up with patients. A few academics and care providers are trying to change this with calls to action in professional groups and academic journals. And in recent years, advocates have sparked public dialogue by speaking openly about sex and schizophrenia on podcasts, social media, and other public forums.

Still, it’s hard to find stories of schizophrenia’s effects on people’s intimate lives. VICE recently spoke to Lauren Kennedy, who runs the popular Living Well with Schizophrenia YouTube channel, and her longtime partner, Rob Lim, about the role schizophrenia plays in their sex lives and how they manage its effects.

This interview has been edited for length and clarity. 

Lauren: My schizophrenia started when I was in high school, with mood disturbances. I thought I had depression. That morphed into highs and lows, and mania. (I have schizoaffective disorder, which is like a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.)

When I was 24, I started to smell terrible things and hear things—like my name, or just chatter—that weren’t coming from anywhere. I had delusional thoughts, like believing my medical care team was trying to harm me.

I was in a long-term relationship when my psychosis symptoms developed. They completely changed the dynamic of that relationship. I was consumed with my symptoms and didn’t have the headspace to pursue intimacy anymore. The relationship ended just before I got diagnosed at 25.

After my diagnosis, my mind didn’t turn to sex very quickly, but I worried right away about intimacy more generally. I worried people wouldn’t accept me because of the stigmas around schizophrenia, and that I wouldn’t be able to be a good partner. On the medications I was on then, I felt like I wasn’t able to fully function, or to be as present and active a partner as I wanted.

Rob and I got together when I was 26. I’d been dating beforehand, but I hadn’t ever told anyone about my schizoaffective disorder, because that didn’t feel safe. I think I decided to tell Rob about my condition on our third date, because I did feel safe. He took it really well.

Rob: I have a degree in psychology, so I’d studied schizophrenia a little. But that was 15 years before we met, so I didn’t know a ton. I hadn’t noticed anything that I’d connected to schizophrenia before Lauren told me she had it.

Lauren: I still don’t think you really knew what schizophrenia was, or how it could affect me—or us—in practice until much later in our relationship.

Rob: No, I probably didn’t fully realize what it meant for you or us until you ended up in the hospital much later on.

Lauren: Do you think I misrepresented it to you when I first told you about it?

Rob: Umm… Not in the worst way?

Lauren: [Laughs]

Rob: There’s a lot to unpack, though, beyond just saying, “I have schizophrenia.” Like, What has your experience with it been like? Disclosing something like that is the start of a conversation.

Lauren: When did you first notice my schizophrenia in our intimate life? [Laughs] I’ve never asked, so I’m curious to know about this!

Rob: There were times when you seemed more tired—like it wasn’t a great time for sex. But the beginning of our relationship felt pretty typical to me, in terms of being in a honeymoon period where we had sex with each other a lot. I didn’t feel like schizophrenia affected that at all.

Lauren: But at that point, we weren’t living together. Our dates were on days when things were going well for me. If I was experiencing a lot of symptoms, I’d stay home in bed. It’s hard to initiate any intimacy when I’m having hallucinations or feeling restless or emotionally flat. And sometimes I’m just too manic to have sex.

Rob: Yeah, I definitely saw more of that as we got closer.

Lauren: I also feel like I was super flat when we started dating. Did you pick up on that?

Rob: When we’ve talked about what we want in sex, you’ve said you’re looking for feelings of ecstasy and connection. And I appreciate that, but sex is a more physical thing for me.

Lauren: So, maybe because sex is more about creating emotional connection for me than it is for you, I notice when I’m having trouble with my affect and connection more than you do?

Rob: Yeah, I think so. To be honest, I don’t really pick up on when Lauren’s having trouble processing or expressing emotion.

Lauren: I don’t think we’ve ever had a discussion like, “Hey, I’m symptomatic now, I don’t want to have sex.” Rob’s always just been good at picking up on when sex might not be on the table for me on any given day or night.

I’m not always symptomatic, so we still have plenty of chances to be intimate with each other. And sometimes when I am symptomatic, sex actually helps ground me. It’s a pretty intense act that occupies my headspace enough that I’m not having hallucinations or anything else when it’s happening. It also reaffirms my connection to the closest person to me in the world. I try to judge if sex will be grounding based on if it feels good and right when we’re cuddling or starting to kiss. If so, then, Yeah, let’s keep going.

Rob: As I learned more about schizophrenia, I did have some doubts about whether we’d be able to have a successful relationship in the long term.

Lauren: In 2019, I went off my medication and tried to hide the fact that I was becoming more symptomatic. I was hospitalized that October. I think Rob felt like I betrayed his trust by hiding that, and that definitely affected our intimacy.

Rob: After that, we started going to couples therapy regularly. We both have our own therapists, as well. We’ve realized that we can navigate a lot together, but there will always be friction—and especially after something like that, we need support in working through things.

Lauren: We made the conscious decision to work on communication, and on getting stability back in our lives. It’s actually dawning on me that maybe the fact that we never discussed and tried to work on schizophrenia specifically in our early relationship was an issue in and of itself. We may not have given as much thought to my condition in our intimate life as we should have.

Rob: We didn’t realize the importance of communication at the beginning of our sex life. It’s something we’re working on. Recently, we’ve had some conversations with our therapists about how we think about consent in relation to schizophrenia. Because we don’t have sex when Lauren’s really symptomatic, but…

Lauren: There are grey areas.

Rob: This actually came up a while back: We were having sex, and I stopped and said, “I don’t know if we should be having sex right now.” Lauren was like, “Oh, no, I totally can,” and I took her at her word. But after, she was like, “I probably couldn’t have given consent then.”

Lauren: Yeah, I wasn’t sure I was totally present, or that I knew what was going on. I mean, I did know, but… It’s really hard to explain what this is like…

Rob: So… what does that mean for our sex life? I don’t feel good about that, you know?

Lauren: But I feel like that’s my fault! [Laughs] If I want to have sex in a given moment, I’m probably not going to tell Rob all the details of where my head is. But that lessens his ability to make an informed decision.

Rob: We haven’t reached a conclusion about this yet. We need to talk about it more. [Laughs]

Lauren: It’s tricky, because those grey areas are just slightly more extreme versions of what I go through all the time. But I think that usually I can consent to sex even when I’m more symptomatic—especially because I always know that Rob is someone I love and trust and want to be intimate with, even when I’m constructing alternate narratives about the rest of reality.

There’ve also been periods in our relationship where we haven’t has as much sex. Like, if I’m on different medications for any reason, my sex drive might just plummet. We also have three kids now, and one of them is seven months old. So that’s changed our sex life, too. [Laughs]

Rob: I’m impressed we’ve been able to maintain our sex life as well as we have, given that we have kids. But there’s still room for us to develop how we navigate sex, for sure.

Lauren: We’re always working on our communication. That’s an ongoing process.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How the vagina changes over time and what to do if sex becomes less enjoyable

The vagina can stretch to twice its normal size during childbirth.

By Carla Delgado

  • The average vagina is about 9.6 centimeters (3.8 inches) deep but can stretch to twice that amount.
  • Childbirth and menopause can change the depth of a vagina, which may change how sex feels.
  • If your vagina feels loose, try Kegel exercises or other exercises to strengthen your pelvic floor.

The average vagina measures seven to ten centimeters (about two to four inches). However, the vaginal canal is impressively flexible and how deep a vagina is at any given time often depends on the person as well as circumstances like sexual arousal, pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause.

How deep is a vagina?

According to a small 2005 study, the average depth of a vagina is 9.6 centimeters (or 3.78 inches). However, it has the ability to stretch when sexually aroused to accommodate a penis.

The vagina can also stretch six inches or wider during childbirth to accommodate the baby’s head and shoulders, says Maureen Whelihan, MD, FACOG, a gynecologist at the Elite GYN Care of the Palm Beaches and section chair of American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) District XII.

Does vaginal depth affect sexual pleasure?

Some people may think that having a deeper vagina is more pleasurable because there will be more nerve endings to heighten the sensation.

However, “the current evidence suggests that vaginal length is not associated with sexual satisfaction. Most women are aroused from the clitoris which is independent from vaginal length,” says Oz Harmanli, MD, chief of Yale Medicine Urogynecology & Reconstructive Pelvic Surgery and professor at the Yale School of Medicine.

Additionally, a 2010 study involving more than 500 heterosexual women found that the length of the vagina did not seem to affect how sexually active they were.

How does the vagina change over time?

Age and lifestyle has a big impact on how the vagina changes over time. In particular, giving birth and going through menopause are perhaps the two primary events in a person’s life that will significantly change their vagina.

Childbirth

Childbirth can affect vaginal depth because the pelvic floor muscles, which support the pelvic organs such as the uterus, bladder, and bowels, get stretched out to support the weight of the baby.

In fact, a 2009 study found that the pelvic floor muscles stretch more than three times their normal size during labor.

The vagina can remain lax after childbirth for up to a year, depending on the size of the baby or the number of babies that were born, says Whelihan.

“The main reason for [feeling loose] could be pelvic floor relaxation and tears as a result of pregnancies, and especially vaginal deliveries,” says Harmanli.

Experts say Kegel exercises and pelvic floor exercises can help regain muscle strength in the pelvic floor, which increases sexual arousal and vaginal lubrication.

Menopause

During menopause, estrogen levels drop, which makes the vaginal canal shorter and narrower, says Harmanli.

Postmenopausal individuals may feel like there is less room inside the vagina for intercourse if they don’t have penetrative sex for a long time, he adds. However, having regular vaginal sexual activity even after menopause helps maintain the vagina’s length and width and reduces dryness.

What if a vagina feels loose during sex?

When it comes to penetrative sex, there is a pervasive myth that having more sex will make the vagina feel “loose” and lead to less pleasurable sex. However, this is not true and is most likely used to shame people for their sexual activity.

A vagina that is perceived as loose might point to a lack of arousal or be reflective of their partner’s small penis or inability to maintain a firm erection, says Whelihan.

Therefore, if the quality of your sexual experience has diminished, it’s important to communicate with your partner(s) about each other’s wants, needs, and openness to try new things.

Insider’s takeaway

The vaginal canal is usually about seven to ten centimeters deep. But it can stretch and become deeper during sex or childbirth.

The vagina may also get shorter during menopause, but having regular sexual activity helps maintain its length.

Finally, there’s no evidence that having a lot of sex will make the vagina loose. But a vagina may feel loose after childbirth in which case pelvic floor exercises may help restore vaginal lubrication and improve sexual satisfaction.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Do You Have Relationship Separation Anxiety?

Yes, it’s possible to have separation anxiety in relationships, too — here’s why it happens and how to deal.

By Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T.

When you hear the term “separation anxiety,” it’s likely that your brain’s first reference is thinking of the relationship between a parent (or another caretaker) and a young child — or, if you’re a pandemic pet parent, the situation with your puppy when you ever leave the house. But get this: It’s just as common for people in romantic relationships to experience separation anxiety with their partner. Surprised? I didn’t think so. It all stems from a place of attachment — how you relate to and feel in your caretaker relationship(s) as a child translates into how you attach to your romantic partner(s) later in life.

But where is the line between simply missing your partner and having full-on separation anxiety in a relationship? And is it always a sign that things aren’t healthy? Here’s the breakdown.

What Is Relationship Separation Anxiety?

Separation anxiety in a relationship is the feeling of genuine fear, anxiousness, and/or panic when being away from their partner. It’s an unusually strong fear of or anxiety that results from separating from your partner or someone to whom you feel a strong attachment.

In some cases, the separation anxiety may be severe enough to diagnose someone with separation anxiety disorder, which is “developmentally inappropriate and excessive fear or anxiety concerning separation from those to whom the individual is attached,” as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5), a manual for assessment and diagnosis of mental disorders. However, not everyone who experiences separation anxiety in relationships will meet these criteria for diagnosis. Like with anything else, separation anxiety in a relationship can look different from couple to couple and person to person — it isn’t linear and can be super extreme or relatively mild.

If you think you might have relationship separation anxiety, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your relationship. Most people’s responses in relationships come from their childhood experiences, traumas, or unmet needs. Being aware and learning how to communicate about it is one of the most important first steps.

Separation Anxiety vs. Missing Your Partner

It’s important to note that relationship separation anxiety is very different from just missing your partner. Missing your partner isn’t generally coming from a place of fear or anxiousness about being apart from them in the way that separation anxiety is. Missing your partner is more of a feeling of longing adoration, while separation anxiety often feels overwhelming and all-consuming.

So, how can you tell the difference? Really try to notice and distinguish what exactly you are feeling and where those emotions are stemming from. (Try using a wheel of emotions to do exactly that.) Meaning, if you feel afraid, why do you feel afraid? Are you afraid for your partner’s safety? Your safety? Being alone? Being able to name and distinguish the feelings and why you feel these things is so helpful for breaking them down, which ultimately helps you take steps to get what you need or want.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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A Guy Who Learned About Sex From Watching Porn With His Friends

John in New Jersey talks about hooking up in college, getting a happy-ending massage, and the difference between finding someone hot and being turned on by them.

By Sophia Benoit

One of the first times I watched porn, I was over at a buddy’s house, this was probably in fifth grade. His older brother was two years older than us, and he showed a big group of us porn. I remember thinking, “Oh, this is kind of funny.” That was my first reaction to porn. I started watching it myself a few years later, but that was definitely an interesting experience for sure, standing around a computer with a number of other guys. I thought it was funny, but I was definitely, definitely intrigued as well. Soon after that I was at my middle school orientation; it was the first day of middle school and the kids from all the feeder elementary schools were in an assembly and I remember seeing this girl and for the first time I wanted to do something more than just hold her hand or kiss her.

I lost my virginity in college. I was 21 and it was a drunken one night stand. I was living with two other guys and it was one of the first weeks of school. We were living in a co-ed dorm and lived right next to these girls, and I remember one of my friends earlier in the night was talking about how he really wanted to sleep with the girl who lived next door to me. I thought she was cute, but I didn’t think anything of it. I headed back to my room to get something and their door was open and they were drinking and then we started talking and the next thing you know I’m losing my virginity. My friends were very proud of me. They all knew my situation.

Before I lost my virginity, I paid to get a happy ending massage. It was freshman year of college, spring break, and I was waiting for my fantasy baseball draft and I was really bored and horny and so I looked up “happy ending massages” or something like that and the websites made it very clear you weren’t going to have sex with the women. So I found a place at the mall about 10 minutes from my parents house and I went to this hotel next to the mall and I went up to the second floor and a woman who was in her 30s or 40s was there; again, I was 18 at this point. She told me to leave my “donation” on the table so I paid my $100 or $120, which would pay for an hour of her time. She and I both got naked and I got on the bed face down and then she just kind of started rubbing her body over me. After a couple minutes she had me turn over and she started rubbing herself on me again and I shot a load in like two seconds. Again, keep in mind I’m a virgin. She looked at me very seriously and said, “Oh, baby, you busted already?” and I said, “Is that a problem?” and she was like, “You’re only allowed to bust one time.” Keep in mind I’d paid for an hour of time and this was about seven minutes in. By the time I was getting up to leave, she was already on the phone with her next client.

Years later I did a nuru massage in Montreal for a friend’s bachelor party. Three other guys and I went. Basically a naked woman rubs herself all over you for an hour and then it ends with a happy ending. It’s more…professional… though. Like it’s very out in the open. You come in and they let you pick which girl you want to massage you; I chose the girl I did because she looked like Jamie Lynn Sigler. I was in a long-term relationship at that point and so were two of the other guys, but we rationalized it because it wasn’t harmful. None of our girlfriends ever found out. It’s not like we were gonna sleep with these women; it was just a massage.

I recently got out of a three year relationship, the longest relationship I’ve had, and I would consider her to be the best sex of my life. We weren’t crazy or anything. We weren’t like having sex in an elevator or a coat closet or anything, we weren’t really experimenting. I mean I think it was just the bedroom or maybe the shower. There were a couple times when we would travel and be in a hotel or something and we’d be extra frisky because it was a new place. But it was mostly that we cared about each other. I’ve had un-meaningful sex before and I’ve had a decent amount of meaningful sex and I think for me, it’s just always better when there’s a deeper connection. And we had sex frequently; we didn’t live together but pretty much every time we saw each other we had sex.

I’m pretty vanilla when it comes to sex. Trying kinky stuff isn’t really something of interest to me. I consider myself a really sexually-charged person. And if you were to ask my friends, they would probably put me near the top of the list in terms of desire or sexual appetite in general, but I’m not really interested in experimenting. I’ve never really been into sexting or phone sex either. Recently I went on a couple dates with a woman with tattoos and nipple piercings and that was really cool for me to date someone who was not my normal “type.” But she just started unprompted sending me nudes and I was like, “Where did this come from?” It was nice I guess, but getting nudes has never been something that I’ve actively sought out before. Just because I think from a guy’s perspective, it kind of makes you come off as like, creepy or desperate, and it really doesn’t turn me on much. We had a little back and forth about it, but it wasn’t like it was something I was jerking off to. Down the road, if I were to have a partner who wanted to try something more kinky, I might. Never say never. It’s gotta be the right person though. I guess I’ve always wanted to try a threesome with two women, but I don’t know that that’s in the cards for me based on the type of women I date.

My body has kind of got to be into a person, even if I find them hot. About five years ago, before my long-term relationship, there was a woman I was working with who I was really into. We worked in a place where everyone was in their 20s and we all hung out after work and went out drinking and one night I let her know I was interested and we ended up making out and then we had this kind of summer fling. She was just really a mean person, like my friends all hated her. And we were hooking up and spending the night and she was really attractive, but for whatever reason, whenever we tried to have sex, I couldn’t get hard. I think it was my body’s way of saying, “Don’t stick your dick in her!” I also had that happen once in college with a girl I was hooking up with my senior year. We hooked up for a bit and I was super into her—she was exactly my type at that time. And then she broke it off and she started sleeping around for a while and then when we tried to get back together, I couldn’t get hard. It was like, “Something’s not right here.” Even now, it’s not like I’m trying to wait until I’m married or anything, or that I even have to be in a relationship with someone. It’s just that ideally I’d have an emotional connection with somebody beforehand. It just makes it better, you know?

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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I Have a Higher Libido Than My Partner

—How Can I Be Both Supportive and Satisfied?

By Rebecca Alvarez Story

Question

In recent years, my partner and I have grown to have mismatched sex drives. Now, I have a higher libido than my partner, and while I want to be supportive and certainly don’t want them to feel pressured to have sex, I do wonder if there’s anything I can do to help rejuvenate their interest. Regardless of their libido, though, how can I make sure that I’m still satisfied within my confines of my relationship?

Answer

Mainstream society has grown to idealize fiery relationships denoted by passionate partners who can’t keep their hands off each other. The truth is, though, that libido fluctuates every day, and the chances that one’s libido will always match the level of their partner is quite slim. In fact, one of the most common issues couples face in relationships is mismatched libidos. Often, partners adapt to this reality and find a balance that works for them. Other times, though, mismatched libidos can snowball into bigger issues full of frustration, guilt, and resentment.

In particular, people with a higher libido than their partner tend to feel as if their needs are not being met, shame that they want sex more often or rejection when sex is off the table. By contrast, people with lower libido than their partner tend to feel frustrated, pressured, and anxious about their desire not being on par with their partner. Thankfully, though, a mismatched libido is a solvable issue so long as everyone involved is willing to be honest, empathetic, and to prioritize the relationship.

Being on either side of the sex drive seesaw can be frustrating, but let’s consider ways the partner with the higher sex drive can be both supportive and satisfied.

1. Access their stressors

Before you can begin addressing intimacy concerns, take inventory of what is going on in your partner’s life. The partner with the lower sex drive may be contending with a combination of libido-compromising stressors. Some of these lifestyle or health factors may include high stress, medications, chronic health issues, work demands, mental illness, family responsibilities, financial strain, or lack of sleep.

Now, what can you do about it? Well, if you know, for instance, that your partner is stressed, consider how you might be able to help them to feel better. Communicate that your intention is always to help them feel good in order to show that you’re not just trying to address your own sexual desires. Simple acts of support—like offering to cook breakfast for the week, taking a walk together at lunch or allowing them to sleep in on the weekend—can help revitalize their overall mood.

If your partner is going through a change that is more permanent than a period of stress, consider building support into your daily routine. Depending on the severity of the issue, you’ll want to pace yourself and be consistent in your support in a way that feels manageable to you.

2. Rate your sex drives

One easy way to begin healthy sexual communication on this topic is for each person in the relationship to rate their sex drive from one to 10 and explain their ranking. For the partner with the higher drive, make sure you actively listen to why your partner describes the number they share. Regardless of whether your numbers are very different or not too far from each other, use this exercise as an opportunity to empathize with your partner and try to understand their perspective.

3. Expand your definition of sex

Consider this an invitation to unlearn bad sex ed, including unhealthy myths that sex (only) means penetration and that orgasm is always the end goal. Now is a good time to expand your definition and expectations of what diverse pleasure can mean. To do so, have partner write down 10 intimate activities that they enjoy doing with their partner and 10 intimate things they’d like to try. Share the lists with one another and allow it to be the starting ground for an expanded list of acts all parties can enjoy together.

4. Try breathwork together

A few moments before bed, or when you both have downtime together, face one another and take deep breaths together. Unwinding together can help you both feel at ease next to each other. Gently reminding your partner with a lower libido to connect in breath with you allows you both to feel more synced.

5. Don’t forget you-time

While you are working on intimacy in your relationship, do not forget to build intimacy with yourself. Ideas that a partner should “fulfill you” or that they must be your sole source of pleasure aren’t healthy and put too much pressure on one person. You should be a primary part of your pleasure equation and spend time exploring and enjoying your body alone, regardless of your relationship status. Some ideas to bring more pleasure to your life can include full-body massages in the shower, a lunchtime masturbation session or a date night alone in your room with aromatherapy, music, and your favorite toys.

6. Throwback dates

Sometimes, the easiest solution for couples struggling with mismatched libidos is to go back to the basics. Many couples get stuck in a routine and don’t plan out date nights together the way they may have early on in the relationship. There’s no need to reinvent the wheel here, either. Instead, book consistent date nights and hit up old spots you used to enjoy together. Having dedicated time to look forward to helps build desire before the dates; meanwhile, spending quality time together on the dates helps you reconnect more intimately.

7. Work with a professional

It can be scary navigating intimacy concerns with your partner. Whether you are new to the relationship or are in a committed, long-term partnership, working with a professional can be a source of comfort. Sex therapists, sexologists, and intimacy experts are trained to help you talk about difficult topics and guide you on how to reach your goals together. There may also be instances where the best option for the relationship may not be one you have been open to before. Consider working with an expert if you want support navigating mismatched libidos.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Real Couples Discuss The Key To Making An Open Relationship Work

By Morgan Mandriota

Monogamy is our society’s default relationship model. Once you find the one, you get engaged. Then you get married. And voilà! You’re with one person for the rest of your life. This might be a comforting happily ever after for some. For others, it can sound and feel like a trap. Good news: There are alternative options for those who feel limited by monogamy, one of which includes open relationships.

As it happens, more than 20% of people in the United States who participated in a 2016 study reported engaging in some form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). “Open relationships can fall within a broad spectrum that depends on a couple’s needs and their comfort level,” explains dating coach and founder of The Broom List Tennesha Wood. “The term open generally refers to the practice of ethical non-monogamy [ENM] in which couples open their relationship to the possibility of including other people in some way; emotionally, romantically, and/or sexually.”

While open relationships are certainly becoming less taboo and more widely understood in the present day, there are still tons of misconceptions surrounding them. Wood says the most common include:

  • They’re all about sex.
  • People in open relationships are unable to commit.
  • People in open relationships are confused and don’t know what they want.
  • These types of arrangements mean one or both parties no longer want to be with the other.

None of the above are accurate. Open relationships don’t have to be purely physical. Commitment issues aren’t always the case, either. There doesn’t have to be confusion to have a more free-wheeling arrangement. And you can want to be with your partner while wanting others, too. So why would a couple choose non-monogamy? And why is it worth it for them to make their open relationship work despite the challenges that can arise?

TZR tapped Wood for her tips on how to navigate open relationships and interviewed individuals on why they choose to be in one and what they do to make it work.

Set Clear Boundaries

“Open relationships should not be entered into casually or without clear boundaries,” Wood says. “Each person should have a clear vision of what they want outside of their primary relationship. From there, they can decide which form of [ENM] best fits their needs.”

Wood lists four popular types of open relationships to choose from:

  • Monogamish: having occasional strictly sexual encounters with other people
  • Swinging: having sex with another couple or swapping partners
  • Polyamory: having multiple sexual and romantic relationships simultaneously
  • Relationship anarchy: having multiple relationships without a hierarchy; no relationship is “primary” and everyone is considered equal in terms of priority

She recommends couples discuss individual and shared boundaries by asking each other the questions like: How much do you want to know about who your partner is involved with sexually or romantically? Do you want to be there or participate in your partner’s sexual activities? Are there sexual acts that are off-limits?

“No matter where on the spectrum couples decide to land, open relationships will involve trial, error, and flexibility,” she says. “Open relationships can change and evolve and it’s important that couples openly communicate at every stage of the process and allow room for change.”

Prioritize Open Communication

Before opening up your relationship, Wood suggests ensuring your reasons and goals align. “For couples who have a healthy partnership, allowing others in can foster exploration, honesty, and communication,” she says. “Opening a relationship that has existing trust or communication issues will not solve those issues. In fact, it makes them worse.”

“I’m in an open relationship because, in my current partnership, this translates to radical honesty with ourselves and each other,” says Dez*, 26. “The sexy and difficult conversations strengthen my relationship and bond with my partner in a really intense way that wouldn’t manifest otherwise, and that’s why I prefer the ‘open’ paradigm we’ve created.”

For Gina*, 29, sharing feelings and needs is key within her open partnership (where she’s the only one who actively engages in non-monogamy). “Since I grew up religious, I always told my husband I wanted to know how it felt to be with someone else. I’d [spend] late nights talking about it and he wasn’t bothered or scared,” she recalls. He eventually told her he’d give her a hall pass, especially because having another partner could help to relieve her anxiety while he’s out of state for work for days. “He’d see that when he was gone days at a time, I’d have another partner and that’d help me a lot to be calm [before] he’d come back home.” She’s been with other people ever since.

While Gina’s husband is not choosing to engage in other relationships for himself, the two have figured out how to make the open dynamic benefit them both. “[Opening our marriage] strengthens us because we have no secrets and there’s no fear of cheating. I’ve always had a bad temper and when he allowed me to continue outside marriage relationship(s), it has made me be more patient. I’d get angry for very small things and now I think, ‘If he can allow me to have another partner and be so mature about it, why do I get upset about little things?’”

Remember That Jealousy Can Be A Factor

Don’t be fooled: Jealousy still exists in open relationships. And it takes a ton of self-awareness and openness to process it in a healthy way together in order to keep things from going awry.

“I’m lucky to have an extremely patient partner who’s willing to be really gentle and caring with me when jealousy and insecurity arise in me,” adds Dez, who feels prone to jealousy due to tumultuous past relationships. “He’s more able to hold jealousy as an emotion equal to any other emotion, and alchemize the feeling into something more sensual, rather than an ugly thing to be feared. This is something I admire in him and that I strive toward, because being controlled by an emotion, for me, feels like being in prison, and the door’s wide open,” she explains. “I want to be free! And I can, just by choosing not to cling to jealousy.”

Set Rules That Honor Your Needs

Some partners want to know every detail about every date. Others have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.

Aaliyah*, 24, has a sugar arrangement and additional casual partners outside of it. “[My sugar daddy and I] originally had an open [relationship] where we talked about our other partners, and this made him too jealous, so he didn’t want to talk [about them] anymore,” she says, noting that she personally loves hearing about his experiences.

As for Gina, what she “can and can’t” do changes with each partner outside of her marriage, but it’s always discussed and agreed upon with her husband. Some of the rules within her partnership over the last few years include:

  • Share your body but not your love.
  • Call when you arrive at a date.
  • Her husband has to be on board with each relationship.
  • Each new partner has to know and accept the fact that she has a husband and he is aware of the arrangement.
  • Make sure you feel safe, and call ASAP if not.

Breaking Free From Societal Norms

“What I like most about being in an open relationship is saying ‘f*ck you’ to the deeply entrenched religious institutions and misogynistic ideals I was born into,” says Nikki*, 28. “These institutions say that I’m fulfilled as a woman only when I enter marriage, that I must remain subservient and docile, that I must feel ashamed of any sexual encounter that lies outside of reproduction. These institutions (heteronormatively) tell me to hate other women who threaten my bond with my partner.”

For her, non-monogamy destroys those rules and offers space to get curious and explore ideas that make the most sense to her and her partner. “Being in an open relationship, for me, is about exploration, playfulness, and the diminishing of fear of the dark, messy feelings,” she says. “I’m aware of the journey ahead — to unravel many years of programming/conditioning that I didn’t have a say in and I’m ready for this hard work, for this opportunity to set fire to the shame that was never mine to carry.”

Embrace A World Of Endless Opportunity

Aaliyah personally enjoys having the freedom to explore her feelings to the fullest: “I don’t have to worry about if it’s OK or not. It should be OK!”

“If somebody gets jealous, we’ll generally talk about the value of the relationship,” she says. “If they’re OK with just not talking about it and keeping it under the table, that usually works. If not, it’s just not compatible.” It’s up to you and your partner(s) to decide which dynamics and rules work best for you. Openly communicating about your wants and needs will help you get there.

She also loves being able to experience other people’s worlds and lives. “I believe relationships are something to be explored and enjoyed, and they’re one of the most exciting parts of life,” she says. “I don’t believe in only one person forever. Yes to a life partner, but no to a one and only. It allows me to experience things outside of my normal realms of possibilities.”

Ultimately, it’s up to you and your partner to decide which rules work best for your relationship. Each partnership is different. But if these stories teach anything, it’s that open relationships are worth the effort if maximum freedom, pleasure, joy, and opportunities are your priorities.

*Last names have been omitted for privacy.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Safe Relationships Can Feel Boring After Abusive Ones

By

There are arguably few things in life that can leave someone as emotionally unmoored as an abusive relationship. Survivors know that the fallout from such relationships doesn’t just end when the relationship ends. Social shaming, self-blame, and psychological turmoil can and do carry on long after the relationship in question are over. But there is another, much wilier effect that can often slip through the cracks — one of boredom, especially in subsequent relationships that are healthier.

This can seem counterintuitive. A look at message boards online points to this anxiety among survivors, and it is pervasive. The overwhelming feeling is shame and guilt — why does something good not feel exciting? Some even wonder if they deserved the abuse they experienced. But there is one response to such a question on a Reddit forum that stands out:

“I was in the grip of a frightening and never before experienced emotion and mood. After talking with me for some time he [a mentor] busted out laughing, and told me, “what you are feeling is called serenity my dear!”

Experts have proposed a name for what happens after such relationships: post-traumatic relationship syndrome (PTRS), or “Relationship PTSD.” It isn’t included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), but it is an emerging explanatory tool to think through and heal from the effects of abusive relationships — one of the most pervasive of which is the survivor’s belief that they don’t “deserve” healthy relationships afterward.

“If you’re a survivor, your mind is in a constant state of vigilance while trying to please another person and walking on eggshells,” says Ipsita Chatterjee, a Mumbai-based therapist and founder of Thehraav: Unwind Your Mind. There are good phases, and it’s a cycle where a survivor constantly thinks about what more they can do. This has neural impacts on the brain: in a safe relationship, in the initial period it is very difficult to switch off the hyper-vigilance.”

During this time, she explains, survivors set bare minimum standards for relationships — if it’s safe, it’s okay to “let go” of the small things. Over time, however, when they do reach a sense of safety, the blindspots come out into the open. Due to the extreme transition between relationships, the focus on equilibrium rather than building on a relationship and doing the work of setting boundaries or having open communication can eventually lead to monotony.

Even once in a healthy relationship, the new dynamic can seem unfamiliar. “After an individual exits a toxic relationship they often can find themselves reacting to new relationships with patterns or suspicions,” Naphtali Roberts, a marriage and family therapist, told Bustle. The highs, lows, and unpredictability in a past relationship can feel like the norm — anything without that level of turbulence can thus start to feel like there is something amiss.

“The mind has never been used to safety and stability, it is used to an emotional rollercoaster — a cycle of immense pain and then love-bombing. When the pain is intense, it is intolerable, and then the love-bombing is so overwhelming that they think they can’t leave the person,” says Chatterjee. Given that, a stable relationship takes a while to get used to.

“If you’re not used to safety, equilibrium, tranquility… It may take the hyper-vigilant person a while to express love without feeling threatened. By the time the hyper-vigilance switches off, the mind starts looking for a replacement for love-bombing, because they’ve never experienced healthy love. That can become a little monotonous,” she notes.

There is also an effect similar to addiction in abusive relationships, which makes survivors tend to seek similar relationships in the future. “The relationship is intoxicating. There is intermittent reinforcement, and there is a great deal of shame and guilt about the relationship,” Ellen Biros, a therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recover, told Healthline.

It could influence how attracted they are to new people — indeed, one of the big factors is sex and intimacy. Many survivors often report that the sex with abusers was good, and that anything afterward doesn’t measure up. Intimacy with partners in healthier relationships can thus often feel less exciting.

But this doesn’t speak to the skills of the people involved themselves, but rather the psychological manipulation that survivors go through. Often, in abusive relationships, sex is one of the things that makes survivors feel loved and attended to, which aren’t otherwise generously given.

The pop culture we consume normalizes abuse in relationships, to the extent that it feels “right” only when there’s a certain level of violence, manipulation, or toxicity involved in the name of passion. Think Kabir Singh, for instance, or even Devdas.

“We need to look at what pop culture shows us about passion. In so many scenes, we see a man slapping his girlfriend and then they end up making out violently. The scripts that we’re taught… shape our ideas of relationships,” Chatterjee further explains.

“Everywhere we learned that love is control, and that a little bit of violence can ignite the passion. It makes sense to like that — when there’s someone abusing you, there’s so much pain that you will love the passion a lot more. As opposed to when you’re in a safe relationship, there will be hard work from both ends to make it passionate, because there’s already so much safety,” she adds.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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6 Tips for Having Great, Fulfilling Sex When You’re Just So Tired

By Natalie Arroyo Camacho

A healthy sex life is linked to a number of great benefits: a longer lifespan, improved heart health, and decreased stress, to name a few. That said, at one point or another, it’s likely you’ve simply been too tired to have it. But, having sex when you’re tired still stands to boost your well-being because it makes you feel more connected to your sexual partner and opens you up to all the benefits of experiencing orgasm. (Of course, this doesn’t apply to asexual people, whose relationships are still valid and intimate despite a lack of sexual activity.) And, with the help of some tips, it’s possible to still have great and satisfying sex, even if you’re pretty zonked.

And for the health of your relationship, it may be worth your effort, too. According to experts, using sleepiness as a reason to avoid sex may lead you to not regularly reap the intimacy-boosting benefits of sex. “When you’re maintaining that [sexual] connection, even if you’re going through hard times together, you’re likely to be a little kinder and nicer, and maybe even a little more patient with your partner in the rest of your relationship,” says sexologist and co-founder of GoLove CBD lubricant Sadie Allison, PhD.

That said, if you or your partner is chronically tired and not in the mood, it’s important to first connect about potential underlying issues causing the sex-life-busting exhaustion. “I always encourage couples to first talk about the fatigue,” says sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD. “If there’s not even [sexual] desire, or one partner hasn’t been in the mood, having an open dialogue around that is the first step [to having sex when tired], because you want to figure out what’s getting in the way of sex.” Following this discussion, it’s important to follow up with action. Whether that’s a change in routine, one partner helping the other to minimize sources of stress that may be stoking libido-busting fatigue, or seeking therapy, it’s important to move forward together.

But sometimes, there’s no serious or problematic underlying issue, and you’re just plain old sleepy. Read on for six expert-backed suggestions for having great consensual sex when you’re tired (and why doing so may be worth it).

6 expert-backed tips for having sex when you’re tired (and making it great)

1. Remember that sex goes beyond penetrative intercourse

Dr. Allison says that understanding intercourse as broader than just a penetrative act can ultimately make it easier to to make sure everyone is satisfied, and—considering the factor of tiredness—efficiently so.

For instance, non-penetrative sex acts can be effective for achieving orgasm (the fastest way for vulva-owners to orgasm, after all, is via the clitoris), and having an orgasm releases happiness-boosting chemicals like dopamine and oxytocin in our brains. So, it’s totally possible to reap the well-being benefits of sex without having penetrative intercourse.

2. Try “lazy” positions

In this sense, “lazy” is not meant to convey a negative feeling. It’s more so a way to depict the amount of energy that goes into sex when you’re tired. “Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection,” Dr. Chavez says.

“Lazy sex is good sex, because all sex leads to feeling more desire for connection.” —sex therapist Shannon Chavez, PsyD

Basically, it’s an expert-sanctioned excuse to take it easy on the advanced sex positions when you’re super sleepy.  “You want to choose a position that is the least amount of work necessary,” says Dr. Allison. For example, spooning can be a good go-to position for having sex when you’re tired because it doesn’t require much energy or agility—plus, it brings you physically close to your partner.

3. Try to have sex during the afternoon

If you and your partner work remotely, afternoon sex can be a real winner. At this time, we have naturally higher levels of alertness thanks to the hormone cortisol and lower levels of sleep hormone melatonin than at night. So, fitting daytime sex into your schedule may circumvent the feeling of “having to” have sex at the end of a long and draining day.

4. Give yourselves grace

Certain individuals may experience super-busy seasons at work, for example, and this may sometimes impact their bandwidth for sex. For example, if your partner has a presentation coming up they’ve been preparing for months, or you just launched your business, your sex life may lag a bit in light of those energy-absorbing realities. In cases like these, give yourselves a break and stay in communication about how you plan to prioritize your relationship—sexually or otherwise. After all, it’s important to not make sex feel like a chore or another item on an already super-long to-do list.

“During busy seasons, be realistic with the schedule and know that this particular month might be difficult or different. Give yourself some grace,” says Dr. Allison.

5. Prioritize intimacy

Whether it’s a busy season or not, make sex and intimacy a priority; something you want and need to do as opposed to something you have to do. Part of this means not leaving it as the last thing you do in a day, after all your chores and to-dos are finished. Otherwise, sex unfortunately often slips through the cracks because, well, you’re just too tired after doing everything else.

The key here? Both partners should agree that no matter what, even if each is exhausted, they’ll make time for intimate connection. Even if it’s a couple of minutes of eye gazing and not an orgasm-inducing activity, says Dr. Chavez.

6. Try having slower sex

“Slow sex can be some of the best sex,” says Dr. Chavez. And because you’re moving slower, you’re exerting less energy, which can ease anxiety about having sex when you’re just so damn tired.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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How to get consent for sex

(and no, it doesn’t have to spoil the mood)

By and

New South Wales and Victoria are set to introduce a suite of reforms to sexual offences legislation which set a new standard for sexual consent. Both states will implement an affirmative model of consent.

Affirmative consent is based on the idea that someone who is consenting to sex will actively express this through their words and actions – it’s the presence of an “enthusiastic yes”, rather than the absence of a “no”.

So what’s changing, and what does that mean for how we negotiate sex?

By law, you will need to actively seek consent

The Victorian and NSW reforms place a higher onus on the accused.

Current legislation stipulates that while any steps taken by the accused to ascertain consent should be taken into account in determining whether their belief in consent was “reasonable”, they are not required to have actively sought consent. This means an accused person could argue they had “belief” in consent, without actually taking any action to confirm this belief.

Under the new model, if an accused did not take steps to ascertain consent, their belief in consent is considered to be unreasonable. Silence or a lack of resistance cannot indicate consent.

If an accused wanted to mount a defence that they held a “reasonable belief” in the other person’s consent, they would have to demonstrate what steps or actions they took to make sure the other person was consenting.

It is hoped this will lead to an emphasis on the actions of the accused, rather than scrutinising the complainant’s behaviour. These are important improvements in the way the legal system responds to sexual assault.

No, it doesn’t mean signing a consent form

Affirmative consent means all partners should consciously and voluntarily agree to participate in sexual activity.

Responsibility for consent should be mutual, meaning all parties involved need to ensure they have obtained consent.

Affirmative consent can also be withdrawn at any time – it’s an ongoing process, not a one off “yes” at the start of an encounter.

Some people suggest affirmative consent makes sex “awkward” or “formulaic”. We’re often asked if this means we need to have our partners sign a consent form at the beginning of an encounter.

Others say having to constantly “check in” with a partner can spoil the mood or remove the spontaneity of sex.

As New Zealand comedy Flight of the Conchords reminded us, ‘a kiss is not a contract’.

Not only does an affirmative model help to ensure your partner is actively consenting to sex, it can also help enhance pleasure and fun.

So how do you actually get consent?

Here are some ways you might approach consent under an affirmative model:

Ask your partner how they like to be touched, or what they would like to do. Questions like “how does that feel” or “would you like it if I did XXX” can help ascertain consent but also ensure sex is pleasurable!

Some companies have produced cards to help facilitate this conversation with a partner. Kink communities, such as BDSM groups, often have well-established protocols for talking about consent, and there’s arguably much we could learn from them.

Pay attention to all of the cues and forms of communication a partner is using. This includes what they say, but also their body language, gestures, noises, and emotional expression.

Gay couple cuddle in bed.

If a partner is passive, silent, crying, or looking upset, these are all red flags that they are not consenting. If there’s any doubt about whether your partner/s are into what’s happening, stop and check in with them again.

If you’re still unsure, it’s best to end the encounter.

Is the other person intoxicated or drug affected? If so, they might not legally be able to consent to sex. While some people do use alcohol or other drugs to enhance sexual pleasure (for example, in Chemsex), this is something that needs to be carefully negotiated.

Again, if in any doubt, it’s always best to stop.

Consider the context, and the nature of the relationship between yourself and your partner/s. For example, are you in a position of power over the other person/people? This could be on account of your age, gender, employment status and so on.

If the answer is “yes”, exercise caution. Is it possible the other person could feel pressured or unable to say no to you?

Two young people without shoes sit on a tiled floow.
If there’s any doubt about consent, stop and check in with your partner.

While research suggests non-verbal communication is the most common way people communicate consent, people can misinterpret non-verbal cues. So it’s best not to rely on reading non-verbal cues alone.

Try using verbal consent as well (or the use of sign language or written communication for people who are non-verbal). This doesn’t have to be awkward, or contractual, and consent can be communicated through dirty talk.

Asking a partner what they like also allows you to learn about their body and what feels good, rather than just guessing what they might find pleasurable.

Beyond affirmative consent

While affirmative consent certainly provides a better framework for sexual communication than just waiting for someone to say “no” (or simply assuming the other person consents), it also has limitations.

People may still affirmatively consent to sex they do not want for various reasons. Consenting to sex may be the safer option in an abusive relationship, for example. People also often engage in sex due to peer pressure or because they feel it is their duty as a partner.

Our sexual scripts and dominant gender norms can also make it difficult to enact affirmative consent in practice.

Young women, for example, are often socialised to be polite, compliant, and pleasing to others. Sexual double standards presenting women as “sluts” or “whores” for actively engaging in and enjoying sex persist. As a result, it can be difficult for some women to openly express their sexual wants and desires.

Woman sits on the end of a bed.
Some people are less able to say no.

Affirmative consent is less able to take into account the broader structural and social factors that make saying “yes” or “no” difficult, or that mean we sometimes “consent” to unwanted sex.

While affirmative consent is vital, you might also want to think about how you can ensure your partners feel comfortable and safe to express their needs, desires, and what feels good.

You also want to make sure they feel comfortable to say “no” at any time without any ramifications.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Sex and the Single Woman at 66

— Ageism and Sexism be Damned

Studies show that women well into their 80s and 90s wish to remain sexually active.

by

It’s time we had a candid conversation about sex and the single senior, especially if you’re a woman.

Last month, I turned 66. I’ve had no age-defying surgeries. I have accepted—but will never embrace—the 10 extra pounds on my 5’1″ frame. Still, men haven’t exactly been running the other way.

One morning earlier this year, after we in the 65-and-older crowd were vaccinated, I received flirty texts from three male friends inviting me out. I smiled reading each one, but I didn’t text back. 

Like so many aging single women who like sex, I had succumbed to the double whammy of ageism and sexism. Engaging with any of these three men would require scheming, sneaking around and outright lying to my millennial daughters. It was exhausting.

Studies show that women well into their 80s and 90s wish to remain sexually active. If they aren’t married or in a committed relationship, however, they likely have given up on sex. For many, the problem is a shortage of available good guys or the dreaded dry vagina. For others, it’s the tsk tsk of society—and family—that keeps us home, watching Netflix alone.

As a feminist of the 1970s who fought long and hard against sexism, including making the bedroom a level playing field, how can be stopped in my tracks by my own daughters?

I was divorced in 2016 and waited the recommended year before going online. Match.com served up a plethora of men who seemed too good to be true. Of course, in the end, they were. Still, I decided to indulge.

Despite my discretion, my daughters quickly caught on. The younger lived with me. The older was newly married and lived nearby. They didn’t hesitate to share their displeasure.

I was pouring coffee one morning after a post-divorce date when my younger daughter walked into the kitchen. I offered her my cup. She eyed me suspiciously.

“What?” I asked.

“You had sex last night.” She spat out the words and poured her own coffee. I was stunned. He left long before she came home, I thought. How could she know?

“I can see it all over your face. You look like someone who just had sex!”

Growing up Catholic, I learned early on you can sin to the high heavens as long as you are contrite and do your penance. I continued to seek and find the wonderfulness of a kiss, a caress, an orgasm on Saturday night, erasing the guilt by doing my daughters’ laundry on Monday morning.

For the next two years, I wore skinny jeans with heels and spent too much money on makeup brand Boom! By Cindy Joseph. I dated men who were 15 years younger and 10 years older. Some took me to wonderful restaurants, others to five-star hotels. We went dancing, to the movies and watched the moon’s reflection over Lake St. Clair. It wasn’t all Hollywood-like bliss, but it was close enough.

My daughters told me I was acting like a teenager. The younger continued to huff past me in the morning. The older told me she had no interest in meeting anyone. Ever.

The sting was not lessened by my therapist reminding me that children, regardless of age, have difficulty seeing their parents as sexual beings. Furthermore, she said, their reproach proved just how powerful the cultural messaging is against older women who don’t follow the rules.

Indeed, last year Harvard Health Publishing reported on attitudes toward sexuality: “Society is inclined to desexualize older adults. When older adults do express their sexuality, it’s often viewed with derision.”

Eventually, my daughters wore me down. I took my profile down from Match.com and let my gray grow out. I used the pandemic, as so many people did, to pull in and reflect. I babysat my new granddaughter and built up my freelance writing business. I made dinner for my girls and son-in-law and watched The Office reruns with them.

“Society is inclined to desexualize older adults. When older adults do express their sexuality, it’s often viewed with derision.”

As I pass from middle-aged to elderly, I think about how I will live out my final chapter—and with whom, if anyone. I have no clear vision of what’s ahead.

I do know, however, that sex is healthy, and I have no intention of calling it quits. Nor do I intend to apologize for it. I applaud the experts who shine a spotlight on the inequity of it all and propose solutions.

One such authority is Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg, co-director of the Sexual Medicine and Vulvovaginal Health Program at University Hospitals Cleveland Medical Center, and past president of the International Society for the Study of Women’s Health. She believes the way to change negative stereotyping of menopausal women starts with their doctors.

“Menopause and sexuality are not addressed in medical schools or residency,” she told me in a recent interview. “Most doctors can talk about a smelly discharge but are not comfortable asking about orgasm. They aren’t taught how to deal with issues of desire and arousal.’’

On average, women enter menopause at 51 and live well past 80. That means many of us could spend one-third of our lives being censured if we dare to exert ourselves as sexual beings.

“Most doctors can talk about a smelly discharge but are not comfortable asking about orgasm. They aren’t taught how to deal with issues of desire and arousal.’’

During the summer, I ran into a former colleague from my early newspaper days. He asked me to dinner. Then he invited me to go birdwatching. He arranged a bicycling outing and reintroduced me to old reporter pals.

A week ago, I invited him over to start the third season of The Kominsky Method. We were on the sofa getting cozy when my daughter came home early. She stomped into the house and, without saying hello, asked him to move his car.

He left immediately. This time, I glared at her.

“What?” she asked.

“That was rude,” I said. She started to object. I cut her off: “You don’t get to have a say in what I do and whom I see. Not anymore. I expect you to treat me and my friends cordially. Always.”

Kingsberg said I should have done that a long time ago. “Why, in any realm, should a woman feel bad about the fact that she is healthy and has a good strong desire? We should have fun and experience passion. To keep that going is something you should embrace.”

“It’s good you told your daughter to knock it off,” she said.

Now, we need to stand up to the rest of society and make it clear that our right to the “pursuit of happiness” includes pursuing pleasure, no matter our age, gender or preferred position.

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!

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Why Aftercare Isn’t Just Important In BDSM

The ritual is inculcated into those practicing BDSM, but for anyone else engaging in sexual relationships, it would do well to focus on aftercare, too.

By WH Staff

Many a rom-com has depicted that moment that immediately follows climax during sex. Audiences have laughed at the sight of partners rolling their sweaty body over, only to then reach for their phone and zone out as they begin another endless scroll on the Instagram feed. There are those who embrace for some time, and others who simply get up and stroll directly for the shower. It’s funny to watch because for most of us, we’ve been there: we’ve been with that person who wants nothing to do with us after sex, or alternatively had that partner who enjoys the post-sex cuddle as much as they do the main event. The fact remains, what happens after sex is just as important as it can leave many people feeling embarrassed or a sense of shame should such care be neglected.

It makes ‘aftercare’ a buzzword worth thinking about. In the world of BDSM, the practice of aftercare is something that is non-negotiable. It refers to a post-play ritual in which partners exchange physical or emotional comfort following an intense sexual experience. While it’s grounded in the assumption that such care is essential following kink play, it also is an important factor to consider in more vanilla sexual engagements, too.

Examples of aftercare include offering your partner a snack or something to drink, cuddling, giving them a compliment, having a good conversation, watching a movie, or even tending to any minor injuries that may have been sustained during BDSM play. It also offers a safe space to talk about what you might have enjoyed about the experience, as well as the things you might not have enjoyed. Ultimately, aftercare is dependent on the individuals at hand and varies depending on individual preferences.

As a way of nurturing your partner, it offers the chance to come down from the neurochemical high of BDSM, and avoid the low emotional state known as “drop” in kink circles. Given that BDSM is often more risky – physically and emotionally – and involves a higher level of vulnerability and trust, aftercare is seen as just an important part of it as establishing safe words. It offers protection and care, helping partners to ease back into normal consciousness, with grounded feelings of tenderness and affection.

With this in mind, aftercare is something we all can benefit from in casual sex. Regardless of what kind of sex you’re having, trust is imperative and good sex requires a level of vulnerability as we lower our inhibitions and seek to let go. It’s not uncommon then, for people to experience feelings of anxiety when it’s over, or simply feel a little down. As sexologist Gigi Engle explained in an interview with MindBodyGreen, “While it may seem odd to engage in aftercare with someone you’re not seriously dating, it’s still important.”

Engle added, “It’s not about making someone fall in love with you or trying to make a more serious relationship out of something casual. It’s about making sure everyone is cared for with respect and tenderness so that they can leave a sexual experience feeling good about themselves.”

Complete Article ↪HERE↩!