Yes, it’s possible to have separation anxiety in relationships, too — here’s why it happens and how to deal.
By Rachel Wright, M.A., L.M.F.T.
When you hear the term “separation anxiety,” it’s likely that your brain’s first reference is thinking of the relationship between a parent (or another caretaker) and a young child — or, if you’re a pandemic pet parent, the situation with your puppy when you ever leave the house. But get this: It’s just as common for people in romantic relationships to experience separation anxiety with their partner. Surprised? I didn’t think so. It all stems from a place of attachment — how you relate to and feel in your caretaker relationship(s) as a child translates into how you attach to your romantic partner(s) later in life.
But where is the line between simply missing your partner and having full-on separation anxiety in a relationship? And is it always a sign that things aren’t healthy? Here’s the breakdown.
What Is Relationship Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety in a relationship is the feeling of genuine fear, anxiousness, and/or panic when being away from their partner. It’s an unusually strong fear of or anxiety that results from separating from your partner or someone to whom you feel a strong attachment.
In some cases, the separation anxiety may be severe enough to diagnose someone with separation anxiety disorder, which is “developmentally inappropriate and excessive fear or anxiety concerning separation from those to whom the individual is attached,” as outlined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5), a manual for assessment and diagnosis of mental disorders. However, not everyone who experiences separation anxiety in relationships will meet these criteria for diagnosis. Like with anything else, separation anxiety in a relationship can look different from couple to couple and person to person — it isn’t linear and can be super extreme or relatively mild.
If you think you might have relationship separation anxiety, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your relationship. Most people’s responses in relationships come from their childhood experiences, traumas, or unmet needs. Being aware and learning how to communicate about it is one of the most important first steps.
Separation Anxiety vs. Missing Your Partner
It’s important to note that relationship separation anxiety is very different from just missing your partner. Missing your partner isn’t generally coming from a place of fear or anxiousness about being apart from them in the way that separation anxiety is. Missing your partner is more of a feeling of longing adoration, while separation anxiety often feels overwhelming and all-consuming.
So, how can you tell the difference? Really try to notice and distinguish what exactly you are feeling and where those emotions are stemming from. (Try using a wheel of emotions to do exactly that.) Meaning, if you feel afraid, why do you feel afraid? Are you afraid for your partner’s safety? Your safety? Being alone? Being able to name and distinguish the feelings and why you feel these things is so helpful for breaking them down, which ultimately helps you take steps to get what you need or want.
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